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Hi Mark, Just want to hop on here to say that your message, your delivery and your radical acceptance brought me to tears. For so long I felt so much shame because of my attractions to different people. Hearing you encourage me to accept my attractions and integrate them into myself made me feel so much relief. Looking forward to this next step of my sexuality journey. Much love!
This literally makes so much sense 🙌🙌🙌 I identify as gay (a woman) but I’m pretty sexually fluid I found that throughout my life when I started to embrace my sexual attractions to women, I started to become more attracted to men as well, I think when we repress a part of our sexuality, it all starts to become repressed
Great video Mark! I feel this one is extremely needed by the bisexual community, so I appreciate you uploading it! I think lots if not all of us have or will go through this type of experience during our lifetime. I know I have. I've never cheated on any past partners of mine and I never would because I know nothing but negativity could come out of that. Even if I'm unhappy with the relationship, I would rather just end it than cheat. But, you're definitely right about how important it is to accept our bisexuality, especially when in relationships. I've been attracted to others while in relationships but I never cheated, not even once. Another thing I think is great, if your partner agrees and it's something you feel you can personally handle yourself is to explore polyamory. Of course, you still have to make sure your partner knows who you're involved with outside of your relationship with them, otherwise it's still cheating but it's a great way to fulfill multiple needs without hurting anyone, including yourself. Personally, I have experimented with polyamory and figured out it's not for me but I know lots of people who were able to feel even more confident in themselves and their relationship with their partner/partners after exploring it. It's not for everyone but it can help some people.
Hey thank you so much for your thoughtful comments and for sharing your experience. I'm so glad it resonates. Proud of us all in this community and the things we overcome.
Mark! You are on point with the topics of your videos! This is exactly what I needed. Unfortunately I wish I could have had this information a year and a half ago when I first went through it with my ex girlfriend. But, none the less, I believe this is the first video explaining this topic and it is SO IMPORTANT. The anxiety, the loss of attraction, all of the above. Wow! I thank you so much for your efforts of helping people like us navigate our attractions and complex sexualities.
Oh gosh thank you so much for saying this. I also wish I knew it sooner. I only learned it through life experience, research and lots of coaching plus my own therapy. I'm so sorry to hear that you had struggled with this. It's absolutely horrid isn't it? I find it a really tricky topic to approach because it's so complicated and also easily misunderstood. I'm so pleased it resonates with you. Thank you again for your kind words. If I can support you further don't hesitate. Much love, Mark x
@@notdefining oh sir, you will soon be supporting me. Just got to budget for it. I shared this with a girl on Reddit who I've been talking with and she LOST HER MIND in excitement...agreeing with what I said that this is the only video I have ever found on this topic and how to navigate it. It obviously makes me a little weary as to how I am going to navigate a future relationship because I don't want to lose another good match but I also want to be able to be very honest in my relationships.
@@SParker1289 Hey thank you so much that's so great. I really appreciate you sharing it. This helps us get to more people and is greatly appreciated. I'm going to be making more content on this topic as it's really something that - as you say - doesn't get talked about enough. Thanks again and looking forward to supporting you so that you can feel super stable and awesome in your future life and relationships :-)
@@notdefining yes! I completely agree...as I said, I think this is the first video I saw that explained EXACTLY how I felt. Obviously we all have our own experiences but they are somehow similar also. When this first hit me, I had NO resources. It's obviously not something you plan for when in a relationship and your early 30s. So to wake up one morning and have an awakening can be a very scary place to be in mentally, especially when you plan to see your SO later that day or week. I typed in 'heterosexual man having homosexual thoughts' and ended up at an HOCD channel which was Great! But still didn't have the information I was looking for...to be honest, I think this is all something that takes time to navigate and feel and possibly hit some low points in order to really make it through. But I believe your channel is going to become a great source of information for people who are dealing with similar feelings and experiences. I appreciate you Mark and I know you're well on your way to being a staple in the complex sexuality+ space. Please don't ever give up.
Gosh thank you for taking the time to write. I'm delighted to hear this. If you can ever share our content please do, otherwise stay tuned for more on this topic and more.
I personally think us humans are naturally predisposed to sleep with multiple partners, and thus being in a monogamous relationship for a period of time will inevitably lead to some boredom (even if you love your partner), which in turn can lead to some fantasising and more noticeable attraction to other people. In other words, what is different becomes more exciting and enticing, and the more you feed it (fantasising), the stronger the attraction becomes. This is not to say you should ignore your attraction. I totally agree with accepting the attraction as being part of the solution. However entertaining this attraction regularly will inevitably make it more much powerful, and this can lead to all sorts of problems for your relationship. One thing that personally helps me to stay loyal to my GF, is that no matter how fun and feel good sleeping with another person might be, it will only be a very short term feeling, and will never be able to replace the overall (and quite frankly, much more warm) feeling that my GF provides me. Once you acknowledge that sleeping with another person would result in the termination of your much more fulfilling relationship, then it actually makes resisting temptation much easier.
Hey thanks again for your excellent comments. They really are a contribution to the content and I really value them. I know lots of people will read them and benefit so thank you. Yes agree with what you say absolutely. The thing for me that a lot of people I think miss is that they treat sex with someone else as the need - it's not the need. The need is something within you that you can satisfy through acceptance, self love, honesty and communication with your partner. The other person is just a symptom. That's why it doesn't make anything better. It just makes it worse. You feel bad for needing that thing, then you try to get that thing then feel even worse because you don't get that thing and you have also done something wrong so you feel even worse. Identifying the core need within you and dealing with that is the real way to heal from it. Allowing yourself to have that need, not judging it, is the key. It's just hard because we often berate ourselves. Then if that need is something that doesn't conform to sexuality norms then you feel ultra ashamed. A need or feeling is never shameful. It's always natural. We just need to acknowledge, accept, nurture and honour our authentic feelings and not fear or shame them. Then we open ourselves up to being loved fully by our partner and a deeper connection. Sometimes a partner also won't want that deeper connection with you. They don't actually love the real you. That can be really hard. So hard choices have to be made. But only once you have done the work. Anyway I'm rambling on. Thanks so much for opening this discussion.
@@notdefining 100 percent agree man. However, I'd like to add that having sex with other people outside of your relationship isn't a true need, and is more of a desire/natural attraction. So like you said, learning to accept it rather than feeling ashamed about it is the key. And no, thank you. As I said on your other video, these videos that you do help so many people around the world, and for me, they provide a very warm feeling of solidarity (especially since I've come out on the other side for the better, just like you).
@@Rafael-xt1nm Gosh thank you again so much for your kind words, they really mean a lot. Yes that's what I was trying to say - sex outside of the relationship is not the need, it's usually the symptom of a need. People think it's a need and it's not. That's why seeking it out rarely satisfies the need. Because it wasn't the need in the first place. I wish they taught this in school lol! Anyway, thank you again. If you're ever able to share my content with anyone you feel may benefit or repost it on Twitter/FB or recommend anyone I'd be so grateful. Otherwise I'm just glad to be able to connect with you here. Much love and all the very best, Mark x
You got it mate. If you have some free time, my advice would be to share your content on forums like NoFap, and on NoFap Telegram groups. Lots of insecure guys on there who are struggling with their sexuality, and who can defo benefit from your content.
Thanks Mark! Really insightful video. I've gone through fluid cycles a couple of times now. This really helps put a useful perspective on what I've gone through. I can only imagine how many people have been through their own fluidity and they thought were alone and had no way to navigate these kinds of feelings. I'm glad i found your channel and I hope it gets much more traction as it deserves.
Mark is there anyway you could also expand on how trauma can affect sexual attraction and fluidity? As well as maybe a video on the ace spectrum specifically about demisexual, demirromantic and dellosexual . Sexual aversion vs being in denial. Just a couple of ideas 😅 btw I really liked this video.
Totally agree with this. After years of denial and Large amounts of alcohol, I accepted my bisexual attractions as part of me. I am very open with friends and my partner about it. I feel so confident and attractive. More than ever in my life. However my partner of 16yrs struggles with it. How do I help them see that even though my attractions fluctuate I love him, am attracted to him, and am not looking for something else just because I am into it? I have been trying to get this idea across to him for 10 +yrs. Any pointers?
Hey thank you so much for sharing. Pointers yes. Stop trying to make them see. Don’t explain. Don’t try to convince. Release yourself from the need to have their approval. Simply state who and what you are and don’t entertain any questioning. This is hard because we want our loved ones to accept us. But we must be strong in our own identity. Once we embody that inner confidence it will shine on the outside. Have a boundary around it. You don’t debate or question your sexuality. Period. Zero tolerance. Check out my self confidence play list. There is a video on there about dealing with homophobic families. The subject is a bit different to your case but the technique is the same. Influence rather than convince. What do you think?
Mark, thank you SO much for doing what you're doing... I am upset that after all the compulsive searching I've done, I never came across your content!😮 You get things on a much deeper level than most people, and your insight is SO needed in the world right now! I've suffered from SOOCD since I was a kid - since I recognized that women aroused me, and I began "checking" and finding that men don't create the same response. I know everyone with OCD thinks their case is the exception.. my OCD tells me I've been gay all along, and that the little attraction I did have to men won't come back (its been at 0/nothing for a few years straight now. I don't get moments of clarity). I've heard countless stories of people turning from bi to gay, and I feel terrified this is my case, too. Its especially terrifying now since I'd previously fallen in love with a man I was devastated to lose from this all. Thanks again for being and sharing your incredible self💙🙏
Hey thank you so much for sharing your experience with us here. I’m absolutely thrilled that you have found us and that you have found the content beneficial. When we share in the comments lots of people read and relate and it helps so much so thank you for being open and honest. The more we share our experiences the more we beak too so well done you’re doing so great. It sounds like you’ve had a real struggle with SOOCD for a long time and I feel it through your words. It’s just so difficult isn’t it? I really connected with what you said about everyone thinking they’re the exception - omg that was me totally!!! I hope that you will keep sharing with us here so we can support you as you go along your journey of healing. You have a community around you now so you’re not alone. You’re always welcome to chat with us here and we’ll uplift you if you’re feeling down. I’m going to be sharing more content about SOOCD which I hope you’ll find helpful too. If you haven’t already done so, check out my two meditations. They’re designed to create a sense of calm for those moments where intrusive thoughts get too much. Finally, if you’d ever like to have some dedicated coaching from me or support us to reach more people check out Patreon.com/notdefining. Welcome to our community. Thank you again for your kind words and take it easy - you’re doing so great and we’re going to get you feeling so much better soon. Much love, Mark x
@@notdefining Hugs Mark!! Thank you so much for your thoughtful, personal replies. You're such a caring, insightful person, and I can't wait to keep sharing you and your work!! Thank you for the warm invitation to keep sharing, and for sharing also.🙏 Something I've felt throughout my life with all this is that my attraction to men never felt "enough", and particularly during intimacy, my mental desire just feels.. nonexistent. Is this something you relate to at all? If its okay to ask, do you feel more attracted to women than ever since accepting your attraction to men? Or is it the same? Or less? I always hear OCD sufferers going in and out of "clarity", but my attraction has been constantly gone for so long. Can that still be an OCD symptom? I cannot wait to see more content from you on this... it is SOO needed in the world!! Thanks again!💙 EDIT: Also, can SOOCD reduce our attractions, even if it's really mild/not acute?
@@Nicole-yx8ms Hey thanks again for sharing and for your kind words. It's honestly why I do it. I've been in your position and never had someone to talk to so I'm just thrilled that we can connect. You're doing so great and I'm excited for your healing. Yes I have absolutely felt that my attraction to women is not enough. There have been so many times when it feels completely non existent. I told myself "you're just gay and trying to pretend you're not because you're scared". This is a horrid thought because really it doesn't actually make any sense and just distressed me. SOOCD can absolutely reduce our attractions. Obsessing about your sexuality can cause anxiety, exhaustion, low libido as well as a sense of disconnection and low self esteem. That is of course an absolutely dynamite cocktail for lack of interest in intimacy/sex etc. Honestly there have been times where I obsessed so much I basically lost sight of what sex or attraction was at all. It was like asexuality. I still get that sometimes. I'm glad you asked the question about accepting my attraction. I can whole heartedly say it absolutely transformed me. The more I worried about my attractions to men, the less I could connect with women. When I embraced the whole beautiful, wonderful spectrum of my sexuality and accepted myself as a gorgeous, sexy, fantastic bi/fluid guy who has so much to give both physically and emotionally... ...wow I just felt so good about myself and I started to feel so many attractions and positive energies I had never felt before. I also realised a lot about women (for you, it may be the same for men). I always thought women were one way (like feminine, straight etc.). But when I starting loving and enjoying my own unique version of queer masculinity, I realised that there were really gorgeous amazing women out there who were super into that. You yourself have an amazing unique and super attractive version of womanhood. You are an incredible person with so much to give. Start loving that. When YOU feel sexy and in love with yourself MY GOODNESS other people will follow! I'm telling you. You will find feminine men, non-binary, agender people, trans men, trans women, queer women, fem lesbians, masculine bi women, male/female couples etc. There is so much variety out there and men don't have to be one thing. So that's what I'd say. I know it's scary but try to accept, embrace and love the uniqueness of who you are and realise that there are SO MANY people of all genders out there just waiting to love you and give you all the happiness you deserve. Anyway, okay pep talk over! Let me know what you think. I'm always here to chat and I can't wait to see how you grow and flourish into the most amazing version of you. Take it easy, OCD can be really tough. Have a peaceful and beautiful day. Love, Mark x
@@notdefining Mark, you are SUCH a beautiful person, and I wish I could give you a biiig in-person hug!!! Thank you always for being so loving and giving of your time, insights, and connection. You are truly changing the world with being the beautiful being you are!!🙏 You sharing about your experience helps me to feel less alone... bless your heart! It's been one of the most isolating journeys I've ever walked, and finding you is incredibly validating and inspiring. Thank you for sharing your experiences and thoughts. So relatable. My OCD really latches to the fact that once my SOOCD REALLYY flared up, my attraction to women skyrocketed, and whatever attraction there was for men (which, as mentioned, felt "not enough" already) vanished. I've felt gay for a few years now as I panic about being gay. Can we lose one part of our attractions, and have other-gender attractions heighten from the angst? I've never lost my libido.. it just felt like it all went towards women. This all skyrocketed after meeting the most incredible man, after falling in love with him. It's been hell beyond all reckoning. And I see SO many people out there coming out as gay after being with their partner for so long.. it actually drove me to being suicidal (in a better place now, thanks so LOTS of Somatic Experiencing trauma therapy). I've resisted the "gayness" SO hard, and felt desperate for the "straightness", and always had this hunch that accepting was the only way through OCD... but it feels virtually impossible. Is it okay to ask how old you were when you finally accepted your attraction to men? Did doing so increase your attraction to women than ever before? Or was it the same intensity? Did you feel like you were accepting being gay? Almost feels ironic- accepting attraction to men made you feel attracted to women again, is that right? Thanks again. Always. You are an angel!! Xx
@@Nicole-yx8ms Thank you for your kind words once again and for being so brave to share your story. I'm so sorry to hear that you had to endure suicidal feelings. I've been there and I just want you to know that your feelings are welcome here. You also don't have to be feeling better. You can be feeling absolutely horrendous and that's welcome too. Sometimes we just do and that's okay. We can sit and just be, that's what this space is for. The only thing is that you're not doing it by yourself anymore. So I was about 30-32, that's where I really came into my deep acceptance. And yes my attraction for women went crazy and deepened massively. I didn't lose my attraction to men, my whole sense of sexuality and positivity towards myself increased as a whole and I started enjoying myself as I am more with all the parts of me. We tend to see being attracted to women or men as mutually exclusive - they're not. Scientific research shows that this is actually the opposite of the truth. Being gay also doesn't exist. That's why we get so obsessed and can't find an answer to whether we really are or aren't. It's a misleading term. Sex is a spectrum. It is a conglomeration of many diverse traits. It's not a binary. So sexuality by definition is not a binary either. There's no "same sex" because we're all different sexes actually. The way I would see it is to see everyone as a human. Just a human, with different traits. You have experienced a draw, both emotional and physical to different humans. I want to invite you to watch the video on my channel entitled "amazing method for figuring out your sexuality". It's coloured yellow and black. You can find it on the home screen when you click on my channel as the into video actually. Try this out and let me know if you have any insights. It gets us away from thinking about "gay" or "straight" "men" or "women" and helps us see our sexuality in a holistic, authentic way. Anyway, Let me know what you think and I'm happy to chat through further. Sending so much love, Mark x
Hey Mark! I know it's literally a tough question with being obsessed over Hocd thoughts or denial ones. But I was a hard core straight still find men attractive all the way. But one day I just felt like kissing my best friend that's it. That was just for a sec but problem created when i found a webshow portraying a straight female turning into bi all of a sudden. And i literally found those thoughts irritating. I genuinely don't want to be bii. Not like I am against the community but it's like I see myself with a man in future. I don't know whether it's just a phase or denial. But the fact is that i just want to come out of it asap because its making me to not focus on my studies and my exams are going to be held in Feb. PS : i have been through OCD in past with other topics . They troubled me the same way as this new topic is doing so.
I hear you. It’s okay. I can guide you to healing from this. It sounds very much like you are obsessing over something small which doesn’t dictate your ability to be with a man in the future. Kissing your friend is extremely normal. Most straight people do this, it’s okay. But if you continue to obsess about it it will grow and become really stressful. So I want you to do one thing for me when you’re studying. If the thoughts come into your mind, allocate a time regularly for obsessing. It might be in the evening from 8pm-8:30pm. It might be some time in the morning or in a lunch break. Whatever works for you. This is your time for obsessing. You are allowed. When the thoughts come in you can say “I will think about this during my allocated time”. You can say “this is important and it deserves my thought and I’ve got my allocated time later on”. Let me know how you get on. This should help to transfer the obsession. Don’t ignore it though. It will just get bigger.
Interesting! I wonder if that feeling of accepting what you may find attractive, also applies to not being in a relationship. By finding something sexy and attractive, and by accepting that you find it that way, will also make you more confident and in by extension feel Sevier. Hopefully that made sense lol
Hey mark just another question. I was wondering can hocd make you think you want to be gay? Becusse when my hocd first started I was scared terrified and all that and didn’t want it. After I starting feeling straight again. My Brain told me I wanted to be gay and then it felt like I actually wanted that do you think this could be ocd?
@@notdefining no that's not the point..... I'm asking what to do if you just get a crush on your best friend and you often meet and then your feelings get stronger but you think that they'll affect your friendship so what to do? Should you restrain them in that situation? If you'll restrain them then you'll face a loss of attraction to your partner as you mentioned in this video so my question is what to do?
Mark I just finished this video on Denial or hocd, and I have a question in the video he mentioned how it’s people in denial have anxiety about people looking at them differently and it feels natural. Well here’s what happened this has been happening for about 3 weeks and now and everytime I feel this false attraction I used to get very nervous and scared and all that but ever since I watched your video on false attraction my brain has stopped getting nervous but it still does every now and then. I also get anxious about the way people would look at me when I was gay but it also doesn’t feel right like I tried admitting I was gay but it didn’t feel right at all. But honestly the false attraction has been happening so much it honestly is just like natural now to me and I used to be so scared and nervous and confused. Could this be the ocd? But ever since I watched his video my brain doesn’t get nervous anymore but the false attraction is still happening. Could this be ocd at work? But it comes in waves he also mentioned how the libido can crash and my libido is fully crashed and I’m wondering can it still happen if you are truly gay? But I really like the way he explained it like it doesn’t feel right when I’m attracted to another guy also is it possible for hocd to make you think you want to be gay? Because when I felt someone straight for a day when I was challenging the thoughts my brain said that I don’t want to be straight. It also made me thought I wanted to be with a guy and that sounded nice and that’s what I wanted. Could this be ocd or is this me. Like it felt like an actually desire but I would get nervous every time I thought it even though it sounded nice. I haven’t felt this in like 3-4 days. could this be ocd or is this truly what I desire? I obsessed and obsessed over it I even remember repeating to myself “ well if your straight It can’t change” And was happy then it started happening again. I just started seeing a therapist but I want you to let me know what you think.
Thanks so much for sharing my friend. It sounds very much like you are dealing with intrusive thoughts and quite possibly OCD. I can’t diagnose officially but what you have described seems like there is certainly an obsessive anxiety about the nature of your sexual orientation (which is what SOOCD/HOCD is). It’s great that you’re seeing a therapist. This is the best approach. Try to be as open and honest with them as you can and you should be able to work through things with them. I’m here to support if you want to tell me what you’re thinking or just chat about it on here. You’re doing all the right things by talking and seeking help. You’re doing great. Let me know if I can support further and let me know how your therapy goes. You’re not alone. This is hard so take it easy if you can. Much love x
@@notdefining thank you! I just find it very weird that I used to have to much anxiety and fear and all of that but once I found out that that meant the attraction was fake, it all stopped I just find it so odd that that would happen to fast and also how my brain tells me I want to be gay and all of that and I don’t want a wife. But like a few days ago I was with this girl at a party and dancing with her and I swear I felt something and everytime for like a day I thought of being gay and not being able to be with her I teared up and got sad I swear that might have been love or something.
@@notdefining I have also felt like I have started like girls again but there is no sexual attraction and my brain is saying your jsut trying to convince yourself your straight and it’s not real. Is this ocd?
@@Real-location Hey thanks so much for sharing this experience. It sounds like it's just really challenging for you and I totally hear you. The thing with OCD is that it's not really about the subject of the obsession. The obsession tends to be anything that could be considered to be life changing or dangerous, (an illness, being hurt or hurting someone etc.). At it's base it is a fear and that fear is saying - "I can't be safe and happy because something awful is going to happen to me so I had better be on guard and never let myself relax". It's your brain's way of protecting you from danger. Most of the time, people with OCD have had some kind of trauma in their lives, perhaps early on, which has upset the balance of the brain and caused it to panic in this way. OCD is the brain getting confused and seeing a danger where there is none. So it can seem strange because of course the brain is doing all this mad stuff, but the best thing to do is to be kind to your brain and understand that it's just confused and trying to protect you. Soothe it. Be loving to your brain. Tell it that it's okay and it doesn't have to be afraid. Wishing you a calm, peaceful and enjoyable day x
Mark please help me you see I have never questioned my sexuality before but for the past 2 years I have had this debut think it’s hocd I have had ocd for a long time it took hearing one of the guys I was working with said I can see why gay men are happy they don’t have women in there life I have been stuck ever since I I’m with my partner I love her very much but these thoughts are telling me that I don’t I hate please help me I also have Aspergers so I have very black and white thinking and that makes it worse
Hey thanks for sharing what's been going on for you. I hear what you're saying and completely get what you mean when you hear things like that. Your neuro diversity is very welcome as well don't worry, thank you for giving that context as well. I can tell you unequivocally that not hating your partner is a very good thing. Hating your partner or hating women is actually a real sign of toxic masculinity. You are a loving man with a great partner who you love and care for. That is perfection. To help me understand a bit more, could you let me know how often these thoughts are coming into your head, if you can tell? Roughly?
@@notdefining hey the thoughts are in my head everyday all day it’s painful I just want to be the old me with out this doubt all the time I feel like I don’t even know who I am anymore thank you for replying back
@@Kyleprayerwarrior127 Hey I hear you. I'm hearing you are imagining an "old you" that you're trying to get to and you're resisting the current you. What would it feel like if there was nothing wrong with the current you?
@@notdefining I don’t want to be gay I never questioned it before and I was a lot happier before this happened to me I don’t know if this is hocd all I know is this is a living hell
@@Kyleprayerwarrior127 Hey my friend I know. I'm here for you and you're not alone anymore ok? I've got you. Treatment for OCD the way it works is we have to gently confront you with your core fear. Now I'm hearing there is a fear of being gay. Would that be right in saying? It's okay if so. I want to invite you to imagine what it would be like if you were. OCD is a fear. It gives us a big scary irrational thing and tells us it's real. It's not real, but to break it, we need to confront it. It's not easy, that's okay too. I'm with you. What if you were gay? Tell me. What that mean for you? Take it easy my friend. It's going to be okay. I promise you. Take it from someone who has beaten this and coached many others to beat it too. YOU'RE GOING TO BE OKAY. OKAY? Sending so much love and a big hug because this is tough, I know. You're doing great.
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Hi Mark,
Just want to hop on here to say that your message, your delivery and your radical acceptance brought me to tears. For so long I felt so much shame because of my attractions to different people. Hearing you encourage me to accept my attractions and integrate them into myself made me feel so much relief. Looking forward to this next step of my sexuality journey.
Much love!
Wow thank you so much for these powerful words.
This literally makes so much sense 🙌🙌🙌 I identify as gay (a woman) but I’m pretty sexually fluid I found that throughout my life when I started to embrace my sexual attractions to women, I started to become more attracted to men as well, I think when we repress a part of our sexuality, it all starts to become repressed
Totally true. I’m so glad it made sense.
Great video Mark! I feel this one is extremely needed by the bisexual community, so I appreciate you uploading it! I think lots if not all of us have or will go through this type of experience during our lifetime. I know I have. I've never cheated on any past partners of mine and I never would because I know nothing but negativity could come out of that. Even if I'm unhappy with the relationship, I would rather just end it than cheat. But, you're definitely right about how important it is to accept our bisexuality, especially when in relationships. I've been attracted to others while in relationships but I never cheated, not even once. Another thing I think is great, if your partner agrees and it's something you feel you can personally handle yourself is to explore polyamory. Of course, you still have to make sure your partner knows who you're involved with outside of your relationship with them, otherwise it's still cheating but it's a great way to fulfill multiple needs without hurting anyone, including yourself. Personally, I have experimented with polyamory and figured out it's not for me but I know lots of people who were able to feel even more confident in themselves and their relationship with their partner/partners after exploring it. It's not for everyone but it can help some people.
Hey thank you so much for your thoughtful comments and for sharing your experience. I'm so glad it resonates. Proud of us all in this community and the things we overcome.
Mark! You are on point with the topics of your videos! This is exactly what I needed. Unfortunately I wish I could have had this information a year and a half ago when I first went through it with my ex girlfriend. But, none the less, I believe this is the first video explaining this topic and it is SO IMPORTANT. The anxiety, the loss of attraction, all of the above. Wow! I thank you so much for your efforts of helping people like us navigate our attractions and complex sexualities.
Oh gosh thank you so much for saying this. I also wish I knew it sooner. I only learned it through life experience, research and lots of coaching plus my own therapy. I'm so sorry to hear that you had struggled with this. It's absolutely horrid isn't it? I find it a really tricky topic to approach because it's so complicated and also easily misunderstood. I'm so pleased it resonates with you. Thank you again for your kind words. If I can support you further don't hesitate. Much love, Mark x
@@notdefining oh sir, you will soon be supporting me. Just got to budget for it. I shared this with a girl on Reddit who I've been talking with and she LOST HER MIND in excitement...agreeing with what I said that this is the only video I have ever found on this topic and how to navigate it.
It obviously makes me a little weary as to how I am going to navigate a future relationship because I don't want to lose another good match but I also want to be able to be very honest in my relationships.
@@SParker1289 Hey thank you so much that's so great. I really appreciate you sharing it. This helps us get to more people and is greatly appreciated. I'm going to be making more content on this topic as it's really something that - as you say - doesn't get talked about enough. Thanks again and looking forward to supporting you so that you can feel super stable and awesome in your future life and relationships :-)
@@notdefining yes! I completely agree...as I said, I think this is the first video I saw that explained EXACTLY how I felt. Obviously we all have our own experiences but they are somehow similar also.
When this first hit me, I had NO resources. It's obviously not something you plan for when in a relationship and your early 30s. So to wake up one morning and have an awakening can be a very scary place to be in mentally, especially when you plan to see your SO later that day or week. I typed in 'heterosexual man having homosexual thoughts' and ended up at an HOCD channel which was Great! But still didn't have the information I was looking for...to be honest, I think this is all something that takes time to navigate and feel and possibly hit some low points in order to really make it through. But I believe your channel is going to become a great source of information for people who are dealing with similar feelings and experiences. I appreciate you Mark and I know you're well on your way to being a staple in the complex sexuality+ space. Please don't ever give up.
Hey, it's me! I'm that girl😄 you're both amazing!!😍 THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart.❤
Omg what this is GENIUS it actually works!! Like, really this is really good thank you so much for all these tips!! 💘
Gosh thank you for taking the time to write. I'm delighted to hear this. If you can ever share our content please do, otherwise stay tuned for more on this topic and more.
I personally think us humans are naturally predisposed to sleep with multiple partners, and thus being in a monogamous relationship for a period of time will inevitably lead to some boredom (even if you love your partner), which in turn can lead to some fantasising and more noticeable attraction to other people.
In other words, what is different becomes more exciting and enticing, and the more you feed it (fantasising), the stronger the attraction becomes. This is not to say you should ignore your attraction. I totally agree with accepting the attraction as being part of the solution. However entertaining this attraction regularly will inevitably make it more much powerful, and this can lead to all sorts of problems for your relationship.
One thing that personally helps me to stay loyal to my GF, is that no matter how fun and feel good sleeping with another person might be, it will only be a very short term feeling, and will never be able to replace the overall (and quite frankly, much more warm) feeling that my GF provides me. Once you acknowledge that sleeping with another person would result in the termination of your much more fulfilling relationship, then it actually makes resisting temptation much easier.
Hey thanks again for your excellent comments. They really are a contribution to the content and I really value them. I know lots of people will read them and benefit so thank you.
Yes agree with what you say absolutely. The thing for me that a lot of people I think miss is that they treat sex with someone else as the need - it's not the need. The need is something within you that you can satisfy through acceptance, self love, honesty and communication with your partner. The other person is just a symptom.
That's why it doesn't make anything better. It just makes it worse. You feel bad for needing that thing, then you try to get that thing then feel even worse because you don't get that thing and you have also done something wrong so you feel even worse.
Identifying the core need within you and dealing with that is the real way to heal from it. Allowing yourself to have that need, not judging it, is the key. It's just hard because we often berate ourselves. Then if that need is something that doesn't conform to sexuality norms then you feel ultra ashamed.
A need or feeling is never shameful. It's always natural. We just need to acknowledge, accept, nurture and honour our authentic feelings and not fear or shame them. Then we open ourselves up to being loved fully by our partner and a deeper connection.
Sometimes a partner also won't want that deeper connection with you. They don't actually love the real you. That can be really hard. So hard choices have to be made. But only once you have done the work.
Anyway I'm rambling on. Thanks so much for opening this discussion.
@@notdefining 100 percent agree man. However, I'd like to add that having sex with other people outside of your relationship isn't a true need, and is more of a desire/natural attraction. So like you said, learning to accept it rather than feeling ashamed about it is the key.
And no, thank you. As I said on your other video, these videos that you do help so many people around the world, and for me, they provide a very warm feeling of solidarity (especially since I've come out on the other side for the better, just like you).
@@Rafael-xt1nm Gosh thank you again so much for your kind words, they really mean a lot. Yes that's what I was trying to say - sex outside of the relationship is not the need, it's usually the symptom of a need. People think it's a need and it's not. That's why seeking it out rarely satisfies the need. Because it wasn't the need in the first place.
I wish they taught this in school lol! Anyway, thank you again. If you're ever able to share my content with anyone you feel may benefit or repost it on Twitter/FB or recommend anyone I'd be so grateful. Otherwise I'm just glad to be able to connect with you here.
Much love and all the very best, Mark x
You got it mate.
If you have some free time, my advice would be to share your content on forums like NoFap, and on NoFap Telegram groups.
Lots of insecure guys on there who are struggling with their sexuality, and who can defo benefit from your content.
@@Rafael-xt1nm Hey thanks so much for this advice. That's a really interesting idea there. I will definitely look into it. Much appreciated as always.
Thanks Mark! Really insightful video. I've gone through fluid cycles a couple of times now. This really helps put a useful perspective on what I've gone through. I can only imagine how many people have been through their own fluidity and they thought were alone and had no way to navigate these kinds of feelings. I'm glad i found your channel and I hope it gets much more traction as it deserves.
Great to hear! I’m so glad it was helpful.
Mark is there anyway you could also expand on how trauma can affect sexual attraction and fluidity? As well as maybe a video on the ace spectrum specifically about demisexual, demirromantic and dellosexual . Sexual aversion vs being in denial. Just a couple of ideas 😅 btw I really liked this video.
Hey thanks so much for the recommendations. I have put these ideas on my list and will see if I can do something on this in the near future.
I think this saved my life. Thank you so much.
Wow. You’re so welcome. Sending so much love.
Totally agree with this. After years of denial and Large amounts of alcohol, I accepted my bisexual attractions as part of me. I am very open with friends and my partner about it. I feel so confident and attractive. More than ever in my life. However my partner of 16yrs struggles with it. How do I help them see that even though my attractions fluctuate I love him, am attracted to him, and am not looking for something else just because I am into it? I have been trying to get this idea across to him for 10 +yrs. Any pointers?
Hey thank you so much for sharing. Pointers yes. Stop trying to make them see. Don’t explain. Don’t try to convince. Release yourself from the need to have their approval. Simply state who and what you are and don’t entertain any questioning. This is hard because we want our loved ones to accept us. But we must be strong in our own identity. Once we embody that inner confidence it will shine on the outside. Have a boundary around it. You don’t debate or question your sexuality. Period. Zero tolerance. Check out my self confidence play list. There is a video on there about dealing with homophobic families. The subject is a bit different to your case but the technique is the same. Influence rather than convince. What do you think?
Mark, thank you SO much for doing what you're doing... I am upset that after all the compulsive searching I've done, I never came across your content!😮 You get things on a much deeper level than most people, and your insight is SO needed in the world right now!
I've suffered from SOOCD since I was a kid - since I recognized that women aroused me, and I began "checking" and finding that men don't create the same response. I know everyone with OCD thinks their case is the exception.. my OCD tells me I've been gay all along, and that the little attraction I did have to men won't come back (its been at 0/nothing for a few years straight now. I don't get moments of clarity). I've heard countless stories of people turning from bi to gay, and I feel terrified this is my case, too. Its especially terrifying now since I'd previously fallen in love with a man I was devastated to lose from this all.
Thanks again for being and sharing your incredible self💙🙏
Hey thank you so much for sharing your experience with us here. I’m absolutely thrilled that you have found us and that you have found the content beneficial.
When we share in the comments lots of people read and relate and it helps so much so thank you for being open and honest.
The more we share our experiences the more we beak too so well done you’re doing so great.
It sounds like you’ve had a real struggle with SOOCD for a long time and I feel it through your words.
It’s just so difficult isn’t it? I really connected with what you said about everyone thinking they’re the exception - omg that was me totally!!!
I hope that you will keep sharing with us here so we can support you as you go along your journey of healing. You have a community around you now so you’re not alone.
You’re always welcome to chat with us here and we’ll uplift you if you’re feeling down. I’m going to be sharing more content about SOOCD which I hope you’ll find helpful too.
If you haven’t already done so, check out my two meditations. They’re designed to create a sense of calm for those moments where intrusive thoughts get too much.
Finally, if you’d ever like to have some dedicated coaching from me or support us to reach more people check out Patreon.com/notdefining.
Welcome to our community. Thank you again for your kind words and take it easy - you’re doing so great and we’re going to get you feeling so much better soon.
Much love, Mark x
@@notdefining Hugs Mark!! Thank you so much for your thoughtful, personal replies. You're such a caring, insightful person, and I can't wait to keep sharing you and your work!!
Thank you for the warm invitation to keep sharing, and for sharing also.🙏
Something I've felt throughout my life with all this is that my attraction to men never felt "enough", and particularly during intimacy, my mental desire just feels.. nonexistent. Is this something you relate to at all?
If its okay to ask, do you feel more attracted to women than ever since accepting your attraction to men? Or is it the same? Or less?
I always hear OCD sufferers going in and out of "clarity", but my attraction has been constantly gone for so long. Can that still be an OCD symptom?
I cannot wait to see more content from you on this... it is SOO needed in the world!! Thanks again!💙
EDIT: Also, can SOOCD reduce our attractions, even if it's really mild/not acute?
@@Nicole-yx8ms Hey thanks again for sharing and for your kind words. It's honestly why I do it. I've been in your position and never had someone to talk to so I'm just thrilled that we can connect. You're doing so great and I'm excited for your healing.
Yes I have absolutely felt that my attraction to women is not enough. There have been so many times when it feels completely non existent. I told myself "you're just gay and trying to pretend you're not because you're scared". This is a horrid thought because really it doesn't actually make any sense and just distressed me.
SOOCD can absolutely reduce our attractions. Obsessing about your sexuality can cause anxiety, exhaustion, low libido as well as a sense of disconnection and low self esteem. That is of course an absolutely dynamite cocktail for lack of interest in intimacy/sex etc. Honestly there have been times where I obsessed so much I basically lost sight of what sex or attraction was at all. It was like asexuality. I still get that sometimes.
I'm glad you asked the question about accepting my attraction. I can whole heartedly say it absolutely transformed me. The more I worried about my attractions to men, the less I could connect with women. When I embraced the whole beautiful, wonderful spectrum of my sexuality and accepted myself as a gorgeous, sexy, fantastic bi/fluid guy who has so much to give both physically and emotionally...
...wow I just felt so good about myself and I started to feel so many attractions and positive energies I had never felt before.
I also realised a lot about women (for you, it may be the same for men). I always thought women were one way (like feminine, straight etc.). But when I starting loving and enjoying my own unique version of queer masculinity, I realised that there were really gorgeous amazing women out there who were super into that.
You yourself have an amazing unique and super attractive version of womanhood. You are an incredible person with so much to give. Start loving that. When YOU feel sexy and in love with yourself MY GOODNESS other people will follow! I'm telling you.
You will find feminine men, non-binary, agender people, trans men, trans women, queer women, fem lesbians, masculine bi women, male/female couples etc. There is so much variety out there and men don't have to be one thing.
So that's what I'd say. I know it's scary but try to accept, embrace and love the uniqueness of who you are and realise that there are SO MANY people of all genders out there just waiting to love you and give you all the happiness you deserve.
Anyway, okay pep talk over! Let me know what you think. I'm always here to chat and I can't wait to see how you grow and flourish into the most amazing version of you.
Take it easy, OCD can be really tough. Have a peaceful and beautiful day.
Love, Mark x
@@notdefining Mark, you are SUCH a beautiful person, and I wish I could give you a biiig in-person hug!!! Thank you always for being so loving and giving of your time, insights, and connection. You are truly changing the world with being the beautiful being you are!!🙏
You sharing about your experience helps me to feel less alone... bless your heart! It's been one of the most isolating journeys I've ever walked, and finding you is incredibly validating and inspiring. Thank you for sharing your experiences and thoughts. So relatable.
My OCD really latches to the fact that once my SOOCD REALLYY flared up, my attraction to women skyrocketed, and whatever attraction there was for men (which, as mentioned, felt "not enough" already) vanished. I've felt gay for a few years now as I panic about being gay. Can we lose one part of our attractions, and have other-gender attractions heighten from the angst? I've never lost my libido.. it just felt like it all went towards women.
This all skyrocketed after meeting the most incredible man, after falling in love with him. It's been hell beyond all reckoning. And I see SO many people out there coming out as gay after being with their partner for so long.. it actually drove me to being suicidal (in a better place now, thanks so LOTS of Somatic Experiencing trauma therapy). I've resisted the "gayness" SO hard, and felt desperate for the "straightness", and always had this hunch that accepting was the only way through OCD... but it feels virtually impossible. Is it okay to ask how old you were when you finally accepted your attraction to men? Did doing so increase your attraction to women than ever before? Or was it the same intensity? Did you feel like you were accepting being gay? Almost feels ironic- accepting attraction to men made you feel attracted to women again, is that right?
Thanks again. Always. You are an angel!!
Xx
@@Nicole-yx8ms Thank you for your kind words once again and for being so brave to share your story.
I'm so sorry to hear that you had to endure suicidal feelings. I've been there and I just want you to know that your feelings are welcome here.
You also don't have to be feeling better. You can be feeling absolutely horrendous and that's welcome too. Sometimes we just do and that's okay.
We can sit and just be, that's what this space is for. The only thing is that you're not doing it by yourself anymore.
So I was about 30-32, that's where I really came into my deep acceptance. And yes my attraction for women went crazy and deepened massively. I didn't lose my attraction to men, my whole sense of sexuality and positivity towards myself increased as a whole and I started enjoying myself as I am more with all the parts of me.
We tend to see being attracted to women or men as mutually exclusive - they're not. Scientific research shows that this is actually the opposite of the truth.
Being gay also doesn't exist. That's why we get so obsessed and can't find an answer to whether we really are or aren't. It's a misleading term.
Sex is a spectrum. It is a conglomeration of many diverse traits. It's not a binary. So sexuality by definition is not a binary either. There's no "same sex" because we're all different sexes actually.
The way I would see it is to see everyone as a human. Just a human, with different traits. You have experienced a draw, both emotional and physical to different humans.
I want to invite you to watch the video on my channel entitled "amazing method for figuring out your sexuality". It's coloured yellow and black. You can find it on the home screen when you click on my channel as the into video actually.
Try this out and let me know if you have any insights. It gets us away from thinking about "gay" or "straight" "men" or "women" and helps us see our sexuality in a holistic, authentic way.
Anyway, Let me know what you think and I'm happy to chat through further.
Sending so much love, Mark x
Hey Mark! I know it's literally a tough question with being obsessed over Hocd thoughts or denial ones.
But I was a hard core straight still find men attractive all the way. But one day I just felt like kissing my best friend that's it. That was just for a sec but problem created when i found a webshow portraying a straight female turning into bi all of a sudden. And i literally found those thoughts irritating. I genuinely don't want to be bii. Not like I am against the community but it's like I see myself with a man in future. I don't know whether it's just a phase or denial. But the fact is that i just want to come out of it asap because its making me to not focus on my studies and my exams are going to be held in Feb.
PS : i have been through OCD in past with other topics . They troubled me the same way as this new topic is doing so.
I hear you. It’s okay. I can guide you to healing from this. It sounds very much like you are obsessing over something small which doesn’t dictate your ability to be with a man in the future. Kissing your friend is extremely normal. Most straight people do this, it’s okay. But if you continue to obsess about it it will grow and become really stressful. So I want you to do one thing for me when you’re studying. If the thoughts come into your mind, allocate a time regularly for obsessing. It might be in the evening from 8pm-8:30pm. It might be some time in the morning or in a lunch break. Whatever works for you. This is your time for obsessing. You are allowed. When the thoughts come in you can say “I will think about this during my allocated time”. You can say “this is important and it deserves my thought and I’ve got my allocated time later on”. Let me know how you get on. This should help to transfer the obsession. Don’t ignore it though. It will just get bigger.
Interesting! I wonder if that feeling of accepting what you may find attractive, also applies to not being in a relationship. By finding something sexy and attractive, and by accepting that you find it that way, will also make you more confident and in by extension feel Sevier.
Hopefully that made sense lol
It did and yes it works that way just the same.
Hey mark just another question. I was wondering can hocd make you think you want to be gay? Becusse when my hocd first started I was scared terrified and all that and didn’t want it. After I starting feeling straight again. My Brain told me I wanted to be gay and then it felt like I actually wanted that do you think this could be ocd?
Yes HOCD can absolutely make your brain think you want to be gay.
What if you get a crush on your best friend and you often meet ?
That’s cool. Enjoy it. How wonderful.
@@notdefining no that's not the point..... I'm asking what to do if you just get a crush on your best friend and you often meet and then your feelings get stronger but you think that they'll affect your friendship so what to do? Should you restrain them in that situation? If you'll restrain them then you'll face a loss of attraction to your partner as you mentioned in this video so my question is what to do?
Mark I just finished this video on Denial or hocd, and I have a question in the video he mentioned how it’s people in denial have anxiety about people looking at them differently and it feels natural. Well here’s what happened this has been happening for about 3 weeks and now and everytime I feel this false attraction I used to get very nervous and scared and all that but ever since I watched your video on false attraction my brain has stopped getting nervous but it still does every now and then.
I also get anxious about the way people would look at me when I was gay but it also doesn’t feel right like I tried admitting I was gay but it didn’t feel right at all.
But honestly the false attraction has been happening so much it honestly is just like natural now to me and I used to be so scared and nervous and confused. Could this be the ocd?
But ever since I watched his video my brain doesn’t get nervous anymore but the false attraction is still happening. Could this be ocd at work?
But it comes in waves he also mentioned how the libido can crash and my libido is fully crashed and I’m wondering can it still happen if you are truly gay?
But I really like the way he explained it like it doesn’t feel right when I’m attracted to another guy also is it possible for hocd to make you think you want to be gay? Because when I felt someone straight for a day when I was challenging the thoughts my brain said that I don’t want to be straight. It also made me thought I wanted to be with a guy and that sounded nice and that’s what I wanted. Could this be ocd or is this me. Like it felt like an actually desire but I would get nervous every time I thought it even though it sounded nice. I haven’t felt this in like 3-4 days. could this be ocd or is this truly what I desire? I obsessed and obsessed over it I even remember repeating to myself “ well if your straight It can’t change”
And was happy then it started happening again. I just started seeing a therapist but I want you to let me know what you think.
Thanks so much for sharing my friend. It sounds very much like you are dealing with intrusive thoughts and quite possibly OCD. I can’t diagnose officially but what you have described seems like there is certainly an obsessive anxiety about the nature of your sexual orientation (which is what SOOCD/HOCD is).
It’s great that you’re seeing a therapist. This is the best approach. Try to be as open and honest with them as you can and you should be able to work through things with them.
I’m here to support if you want to tell me what you’re thinking or just chat about it on here. You’re doing all the right things by talking and seeking help. You’re doing great.
Let me know if I can support further and let me know how your therapy goes. You’re not alone. This is hard so take it easy if you can. Much love x
@@notdefining thank you! I just find it very weird that I used to have to much anxiety and fear and all of that but once I found out that that meant the attraction was fake, it all stopped I just find it so odd that that would happen to fast and also how my brain tells me I want to be gay and all of that and I don’t want a wife. But like a few days ago I was with this girl at a party and dancing with her and I swear I felt something and everytime for like a day I thought of being gay and not being able to be with her I teared up and got sad I swear that might have been love or something.
@@notdefining I have also felt like I have started like girls again but there is no sexual attraction and my brain is saying your jsut trying to convince yourself your straight and it’s not real. Is this ocd?
@@Real-location Hey thanks so much for sharing this experience. It sounds like it's just really challenging for you and I totally hear you.
The thing with OCD is that it's not really about the subject of the obsession. The obsession tends to be anything that could be considered to be life changing or dangerous, (an illness, being hurt or hurting someone etc.). At it's base it is a fear and that fear is saying - "I can't be safe and happy because something awful is going to happen to me so I had better be on guard and never let myself relax". It's your brain's way of protecting you from danger.
Most of the time, people with OCD have had some kind of trauma in their lives, perhaps early on, which has upset the balance of the brain and caused it to panic in this way. OCD is the brain getting confused and seeing a danger where there is none.
So it can seem strange because of course the brain is doing all this mad stuff, but the best thing to do is to be kind to your brain and understand that it's just confused and trying to protect you. Soothe it. Be loving to your brain. Tell it that it's okay and it doesn't have to be afraid.
Wishing you a calm, peaceful and enjoyable day x
❤
Hey thanks for the love
Mark please help me you see I have never questioned my sexuality before but for the past 2 years I have had this debut think it’s hocd I have had ocd for a long time it took hearing one of the guys I was working with said I can see why gay men are happy they don’t have women in there life I have been stuck ever since I I’m with my partner I love her very much but these thoughts are telling me that I don’t I hate please help me I also have Aspergers so I have very black and white thinking and that makes it worse
Hey thanks for sharing what's been going on for you. I hear what you're saying and completely get what you mean when you hear things like that.
Your neuro diversity is very welcome as well don't worry, thank you for giving that context as well.
I can tell you unequivocally that not hating your partner is a very good thing. Hating your partner or hating women is actually a real sign of toxic masculinity.
You are a loving man with a great partner who you love and care for. That is perfection.
To help me understand a bit more, could you let me know how often these thoughts are coming into your head, if you can tell? Roughly?
@@notdefining hey the thoughts are in my head everyday all day it’s painful I just want to be the old me with out this doubt all the time I feel like I don’t even know who I am anymore thank you for replying back
@@Kyleprayerwarrior127 Hey I hear you. I'm hearing you are imagining an "old you" that you're trying to get to and you're resisting the current you. What would it feel like if there was nothing wrong with the current you?
@@notdefining I don’t want to be gay I never questioned it before and I was a lot happier before this happened to me I don’t know if this is hocd all I know is this is a living hell
@@Kyleprayerwarrior127 Hey my friend I know. I'm here for you and you're not alone anymore ok? I've got you.
Treatment for OCD the way it works is we have to gently confront you with your core fear.
Now I'm hearing there is a fear of being gay. Would that be right in saying? It's okay if so.
I want to invite you to imagine what it would be like if you were.
OCD is a fear. It gives us a big scary irrational thing and tells us it's real. It's not real, but to break it, we need to confront it.
It's not easy, that's okay too.
I'm with you. What if you were gay? Tell me. What that mean for you?
Take it easy my friend. It's going to be okay. I promise you. Take it from someone who has beaten this and coached many others to beat it too.
YOU'RE GOING TO BE OKAY. OKAY? Sending so much love and a big hug because this is tough, I know. You're doing great.