Personally, I do not view the “Just Leave” statement as shaming. Annoying and inconsiderate of others circumstances-yes. Another thing I am working on is not focusing on what other people say or don’t say about my marriage and I am more careful who I share information with.
Got it! 1. You can't change them so stop trying. Change yourself. 2. Actively Focus on your mental health growth. 3. Detach emotionally. Stop engaging. you won't win. 4. Create strong boundaries, without needing them to understand or even know. 5. Slowly Reduce dependency financially. 6. Create an exit/after plan because once you become stronger, they may leave faster than you think. I'll be using this when people ask for advice. ty ladies. ❤
Exactly! If leaving is not hard at an emotional level (you won't tolerate abuse any longer), it is almost always immensely challenging on a practical level, especially for women, even more so, women with children.
Thank you for a greatly informative and supportive conversation. It’s vital to put up strong boundaries and take responsibility for your and your kids wellbeing. Once we start saying NO and we get our self confidence and self trust back, it’s the beginning of the end of the relationship with the narcissist.
Thank you for addressing the topic of staying in a toxic relationship. Unless a person is blessed with an incredible support system of family and friends (not common in toxic relationships because one of the first things the toxic partner does is isolate their "victim" from those support systems), it is a monumental decision to, metaphorically, burn down the house and leave.
Thank God for yall. I'm reeling. This is all what I've been dealing with and not knowing wth is gong on. And thinking it was me. I'm certain I am not blameless. I know I've done stuff, real messed up stuff. I have thought I was mentally ill. Because he has flat out told me and others that very thing. I finally feel some hope.
Feels like this conversation also fits for adult children of narcissistic parents who are taking care of their elderly parents. The financial aspects, the emotional neglect from childhood into adulthood, statements such as "just roommates" reflected from the parent(s) being taking care of. The guilt of wanting out with guilt of leaving the situation/parent knowing/feeling a responsibility that the parent(s) are in a position of dependancy . The need for strong boundaries, plan, etc. Great video
As you describe whether to stay or to leave, it brought back a lot of memories about the process I went through. My CPAN husband developed a gambling addiction that kept escalating, and when it began to negatively affect our children (as in drunken poker parties until midnight on school nights), I realized I had no choice but to take our children and leave. Any attempt to set reasonable boundaries was met with escalating rage that was approaching violence.
@KerryMcAvoyPhD Yes. Thank you for asking. The divorce was a "classic Narcissistic style" divorce. It took 3 years, it cost me close to $80,000, he attempted to alienate my children from me (parental alienation), attempted to claim my inheritance from my aunt (who he met exactly 3 times), and played games with the child support and child custody. Luckily for me, the judge disliked him and ruled in my favor on everything. Even his own attorney was talking badly about him in the end. The judge encouraged me to sue him for reimbursement of some of my legal fees for his lack of cooperation, and I was awarded an additional $27,500. 😉
He knows my attachment to my beautiful home is strong. I worked so hard to create this environment of antiques, custom furniture, and my own handmade items. I am an artist, and he considers my attachment to my art as my weakness. He uses that against me when he breaks my things in his rage. I am trying to figure out how to leave.
Me too! I've contemplated renting a unit to stash some of my most important craft items in a ploy to make the house more "clutter free". Its all junk to him anyway. I can say I've donated them. I'm waiting for the rage and the throwing of my stuff. He used to do that a lot when the children were small. Now that we are in our 60's and they are grown he needs to portray me as the crazy one and that wouldn't play well if he goes berserk on my belongings. It hasn't happened yet but I believe that's only because he is a Covert and has to keep his mask up to two of our adult sons who live in the house with us right now. If they move, it will be game on. He recently started a new thing, pitting them against each other. Insideous. I'm working to set firm boundaries on not tolerating that behaviour with them. God help us all. What a reality...
@ajeff6480 It's so insidious how they use our love of home, and the love we have put into it, as a weapon against us. Funny you mention moving some of your treasured items to a storage unit. I have recently rented such a space to store important documents now, and my favorite furniture and art later. I hope you are able to expose your narcissist husband to your sons!
For right now, at 40 years old with a 2 year old daughter, haven’t been working since 2017, having absolutely zero credit and nothing to my name. (I trusted him too much.) We just bought a home with MY INHERITANCE MONEY and moved to a new state… I’m technically disabled with hEDS and have zero family support. He makes good money, we have excellent healthcare and his company even pays part of our daughter’s child care to go to a Christian daycare/school. What can I do? I want stability for our daughter. I want her to have her parents. He really loves that little girl and so does she with him. He’s a good Dad. The ONLY thing I can think to do is to leave it in God’s hands and know in faith, He will work everything out. Because I’ve seen Him do it before. I have faith that God will always have my back. His ways are higher than my ways. Even when I can’t see a way out and I’m so exhausted and discouraged; I know He will pave a way. I just have to have faith and be patient.❤ This video was the start to that hope, thank you!🙏
I’m am living all of this and ‘stuck’ in the financial aspect. I’ve attempted to get myself out 3x’s and all doors that I thought were opening, closed as quickly as they opened. It’s horrendous One of the hardest things I’ve ever experienced in my life and I’m completely isolated. If you have a follow up podcast with any advice on how to financially get out and move states, PLEASE post🙏
The favorite line that’s told to me is “What about the kids?” At one point I those thoughts did haunt me for a short time, but I didn’t break my family SHE did!!!!! I have set my plans and making escape, but sadly I have to leave my kids behind as I heal. I’m beyond fed up with dealing the abuse and there’s NOTHING left in me. Honestly!!! I’m completely detached emotionally, physically, mentally across the board. I don’t allow HER to touch me at all. I sleep with the kids and NOT with her. She’s not room mate SHE is a neighbor!!!!
If you can help it, please don’t leave the kids with her. They will get what you used to get from her and more. I was that child. Is there any way you could take your kids with you when you leave?????
I am in the same position. As the father I plan to get full custody. I don’t want her to pass her traits to the next generation. The nature of my business is highly irregular but I am even contemplating to give it up. Like you I am fully detached while still living together. Stay safe.
I think I’m trauma bonded but I’m not sure, I think it’s possible that I might be codependent as well. When I’m around my wife I feel very anxious and on eggshells. There have been many instances when I was about to leave her but I would then feel an immense amount of fear, panic and terror of the thought of not being with her, I will then end up running back to her. It’s so confusing for me because she is so controlling over everything. She will be nice then she will act as if she could care less if I’m around, I used to message or text her all the time saying how I love her and miss her, she would message back stating the same in return but she will only message or text if she needs me to do something for her or she needs to tell me something she deems important. Im so confused! I’m I trauma bonded?
You do sound codependent. I pray you find your worth and value from Jesus first and foremost, and a good counselor to help you see what exactly is going on in your marriage. Be good to yourself. God loves you!
@@ChildoftheLIGHT thank you! I do lean on Jesus, that’s another reason I find it hard to leave. I feel obligated to stay and care for her, I took my vow “tell death do is part” seriously, and I now know that she lied to me about who she is before we got married. We’ve been married for 19 years and the only time things were (what I that was good) was when I came running back to her after I separated from her and we decided that we should live our life and marriage modeled after Christ ( or at least I did). So I decided to die to self and sacrifice myself for her, but then when life happened our oldest daughter wasn’t doing, saying and acting the way she deemed appropriate and doing many many hours of research and praying I started to see who she really is.
The “Just Leave” shaming must stop. Thank you for amplifying this conversation.
Im glad it helped. Now if only more people who listen!
Personally, I do not view the “Just Leave” statement as shaming. Annoying and inconsiderate of others circumstances-yes. Another thing I am working on is not focusing on what other people say or don’t say about my marriage and I am more careful who I share information with.
Got it! 1. You can't change them so stop trying. Change yourself. 2. Actively Focus on your mental health growth. 3. Detach emotionally. Stop engaging. you won't win. 4. Create strong boundaries, without needing them to understand or even know. 5. Slowly Reduce dependency financially. 6. Create an exit/after plan because once you become stronger, they may leave faster than you think.
I'll be using this when people ask for advice. ty ladies. ❤
Perfect Timing! I’m in this situation right now.
Im so glad its helpful v
This video is mind blowing. You described my marriage in a nutshell
Exactly! If leaving is not hard at an emotional level (you won't tolerate abuse any longer), it is almost always immensely challenging on a practical level, especially for women, even more so, women with children.
Thank you for a greatly informative and supportive conversation. It’s vital to put up strong boundaries and take responsibility for your and your kids wellbeing. Once we start saying NO and we get our self confidence and self trust back, it’s the beginning of the end of the relationship with the narcissist.
Staying is hard
Thank you for addressing the topic of staying in a toxic relationship. Unless a person is blessed with an incredible support system of family and friends (not common in toxic relationships because one of the first things the toxic partner does is isolate their "victim" from those support systems), it is a monumental decision to, metaphorically, burn down the house and leave.
Thank God for yall. I'm reeling. This is all what I've been dealing with and not knowing wth is gong on. And thinking it was me. I'm certain I am not blameless. I know I've done stuff, real messed up stuff. I have thought I was mentally ill. Because he has flat out told me and others that very thing. I finally feel some hope.
Feels like this conversation also fits for adult children of narcissistic parents who are taking care of their elderly parents. The financial aspects, the emotional neglect from childhood into adulthood, statements such as "just roommates" reflected from the parent(s) being taking care of. The guilt of wanting out with guilt of leaving the situation/parent knowing/feeling a responsibility that the parent(s) are in a position of dependancy . The need for strong boundaries, plan, etc. Great video
As you describe whether to stay or to leave, it brought back a lot of memories about the process I went through. My CPAN husband developed a gambling addiction that kept escalating, and when it began to negatively affect our children (as in drunken poker parties until midnight on school nights), I realized I had no choice but to take our children and leave. Any attempt to set reasonable boundaries was met with escalating rage that was approaching violence.
It is so tough. This decision is never easy. How scary to face such rage. You doing okay now?
@KerryMcAvoyPhD Yes. Thank you for asking. The divorce was a "classic Narcissistic style" divorce. It took 3 years, it cost me close to $80,000, he attempted to alienate my children from me (parental alienation), attempted to claim my inheritance from my aunt (who he met exactly 3 times), and played games with the child support and child custody. Luckily for me, the judge disliked him and ruled in my favor on everything. Even his own attorney was talking badly about him in the end. The judge encouraged me to sue him for reimbursement of some of my legal fees for his lack of cooperation, and I was awarded an additional $27,500. 😉
When l set boundaries some people can't stand that
I need more self validation
He knows my attachment to my beautiful home is strong. I worked so hard to create this environment of antiques, custom furniture, and my own handmade items. I am an artist, and he considers my attachment to my art as my weakness. He uses that against me when he breaks my things in his rage. I am trying to figure out how to leave.
Me too! I've contemplated renting a unit to stash some of my most important craft items in a ploy to make the house more "clutter free". Its all junk to him anyway. I can say I've donated them. I'm waiting for the rage and the throwing of my stuff. He used to do that a lot when the children were small. Now that we are in our 60's and they are grown he needs to portray me as the crazy one and that wouldn't play well if he goes berserk on my belongings. It hasn't happened yet but I believe that's only because he is a Covert and has to keep his mask up to two of our adult sons who live in the house with us right now. If they move, it will be game on. He recently started a new thing, pitting them against each other. Insideous. I'm working to set firm boundaries on not tolerating that behaviour with them. God help us all. What a reality...
@ajeff6480 It's so insidious how they use our love of home, and the love we have put into it, as a weapon against us. Funny you mention moving some of your treasured items to a storage unit. I have recently rented such a space to store important documents now, and my favorite furniture and art later.
I hope you are able to expose your narcissist husband to your sons!
For right now, at 40 years old with a 2 year old daughter, haven’t been working since 2017, having absolutely zero credit and nothing to my name. (I trusted him too much.) We just bought a home with MY INHERITANCE MONEY and moved to a new state… I’m technically disabled with hEDS and have zero family support. He makes good money, we have excellent healthcare and his company even pays part of our daughter’s child care to go to a Christian daycare/school. What can I do? I want stability for our daughter. I want her to have her parents. He really loves that little girl and so does she with him. He’s a good Dad.
The ONLY thing I can think to do is to leave it in God’s hands and know in faith, He will work everything out. Because I’ve seen Him do it before. I have faith that God will always have my back. His ways are higher than my ways. Even when I can’t see a way out and I’m so exhausted and discouraged; I know He will pave a way. I just have to have faith and be patient.❤
This video was the start to that hope, thank you!🙏
Some people l know like to tear down my peace and boundaries
This information is very helpful. Thank you so much. ❤
Thank you!
Omg i keep saying I'm in a prison. The door is locked. I would have to leave my house. I would have nothing.
Exactly
Am trying to educate myself
I’m am living all of this and ‘stuck’ in the financial aspect. I’ve attempted to get myself out 3x’s and all doors that I thought were opening, closed as quickly as they opened. It’s horrendous
One of the hardest things I’ve ever experienced in my life and I’m completely isolated. If you have a follow up podcast with any advice on how to financially get out and move states, PLEASE post🙏
I know how you feel. ❤. Be safe. ❤❤
@@1980shameka We have to keep the faith❤
The favorite line that’s told to me is “What about the kids?” At one point I those thoughts did haunt me for a short time, but I didn’t break my family SHE did!!!!! I have set my plans and making escape, but sadly I have to leave my kids behind as I heal. I’m beyond fed up with dealing the abuse and there’s NOTHING left in me. Honestly!!! I’m completely detached emotionally, physically, mentally across the board. I don’t allow HER to touch me at all. I sleep with the kids and NOT with her. She’s not room mate SHE is a neighbor!!!!
Oh such good points. Neighbor- powerful.
If you can help it, please don’t leave the kids with her. They will get what you used to get from her and more. I was that child. Is there any way you could take your kids with you when you leave?????
I am in the same position. As the father I plan to get full custody. I don’t want her to pass her traits to the next generation. The nature of my business is highly irregular but I am even contemplating to give it up. Like you I am fully detached while still living together. Stay safe.
@@thebirima91 thank you. I will definitely stay safe for sure. I’m looking to get out and moving in my life. This is a silent killer.
Thank you for this pod cast! I needed this!
I think I’m trauma bonded but I’m not sure, I think it’s possible that I might be codependent as well. When I’m around my wife I feel very anxious and on eggshells. There have been many instances when I was about to leave her but I would then feel an immense amount of fear, panic and terror of the thought of not being with her, I will then end up running back to her. It’s so confusing for me because she is so controlling over everything. She will be nice then she will act as if she could care less if I’m around, I used to message or text her all the time saying how I love her and miss her, she would message back stating the same in return but she will only message or text if she needs me to do something for her or she needs to tell me something she deems important. Im so confused! I’m I trauma bonded?
You do sound codependent. I pray you find your worth and value from Jesus first and foremost, and a good counselor to help you see what exactly is going on in your marriage. Be good to yourself. God loves you!
@@ChildoftheLIGHT thank you! I do lean on Jesus, that’s another reason I find it hard to leave. I feel obligated to stay and care for her, I took my vow “tell death do is part” seriously, and I now know that she lied to me about who she is before we got married. We’ve been married for 19 years and the only time things were (what I that was good) was when I came running back to her after I separated from her and we decided that we should live our life and marriage modeled after Christ ( or at least I did). So I decided to die to self and sacrifice myself for her, but then when life happened our oldest daughter wasn’t doing, saying and acting the way she deemed appropriate and doing many many hours of research and praying I started to see who she really is.
How to survive that prison is crazy am so used to that state little bit its hard to thrive
I don't know how l survive in that narcissist toxic turmoil friendship
I don't know how l survive that on going pressure
I got alot of trauma bond with some people l know
How to survive ???? …. This video is mostly about personal experiences
Rose, email me (hello@kerrymcavoyphd.com) and I’ll send you the exclusive interview on the practical steps to surviving.
Please pray for me l gotta have oral facial surgery
Some people l know like to tear down my peace and boundaries