Someone obsessed with you? What to do as the object of limerence
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 7 ส.ค. 2023
- Counselling with me, for limerence: www.unfoldinglimerence.com
Hi I’m Marios, on this channel we talk about psychology. I'm soon starting my doctorate degree in counselling psychology at City, University of London.
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Disclaimer: On the channel we discuss themes relating to psychology and mental health, but it is not advice and if you need support including mental or medical attention please seek support from a licensed professional.
#limerence #obsession #heartbreak
tags: counselling, change, self-acceptance, psychology, personal development, limerence help, limerence cure, limerence vs love, limerence abandonment, limerence addiction, limerence intrusive thoughts
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This happened to me in my teen years; I felt sorry for the boy but was repelled too. He later married and was fine, which was a comfort. Given what I'm currently enduring as a limerent myself, I'll say or do things that show them I'm NOT what or who they think I am. If I can feign ignorance of their condition, I'll tell them I've just met the love of my life or found out I'm actually lesbian or whatever orientation puts them off; whatever thoroughly kills any hope they had left, while sparing their dignity and privacy.
I disagree with the “be nice but not too nice” advice. Limerent people take simple eye contact and blow it up into a serious indication of devotion. If I knew then what I know now I’d be the rudest, most offensive and hostile person possible. I have no natural inclination to be hurtful but it’s been absolute hell being targeted for years by an insistent limerent.
I see your point, I guess from your message that you’re saying it’s better to be clearly rejecting or ‘negative’ towards the limerent person? That might work to make the situation clear, but it’s hard for me to recommend that as some who works with people with limerence because I see the pain and harm it causes. I also acknowledge that the limerent objects (people targeted by the limerence) suffer in the process also. It’s a tough one.
@@Marios_CG It may help you to see it as an addiction. People with any addiction suffer from the same thing- a desperate need to relieve their pain. We have compassion, understanding, and help for them, and no shaming is allowed or appropriate. But if the addiction in unchecked and the consequences and ravages of the addiction are inflicted on others then we say, stop! Knock it off! Get help! Unchecked limerence is the gateway to stalking. You can clearly see that just in the comments of limerence videos, and I certain beliefs such as twin flames reinforce it. End stage limerent people have fully surrendered their sanity in the belief their object is their one and only intended true love and they must persist, because the aching void of pain within is too much, and no other coping mechanisms exist.
That has been experience too. They see what they want to see, it's almost like you're not even there.
nah I perceived it as signs of love lmao, that won't help
@@Marios_CGthere may be pain and harm from stern behavior toward the limerant, but they have already violated the victims boundaries or plan to so they have lost their right to a kind interaction
It was incredibly helpful that you mentioned 'social media'. I met someone online during Covid and definitely got carried away, although I felt like I hid it better than most. It was very confusing and difficult to only have photos of the person and have no real life interaction. Although I felt like I did not say the wrong thing, come on too strong or talk to him too much, I think he grew tired of me and cut me loose. Not really anywhere to go with that except to accept it and move on. On a related note, I'm sick of people that rely on "the hint" and hope that people get it. BE DIRECT, people!
I had someone that made me a bit uncomfortable and it ended with this man contacting me, telling me that he was working on creating my family tree for me, searching for information about my family, relatives and ancestors. When I told him I didn´t want that (it felt weird to me) he put the blame on me, telling me I was overreacting. I still don´t understand why someone would collect that kind of information about me without asking if it´s ok first. I felt like he made me, and even my family history, into his own hobby.
That's scary and weird. I hope you are comfortable now
This sound just really weird...
Hi Marios, I have just discovered your channel…it is super interesting & helpful as indeed limerence is a very lonely, painful and isolating experience. Thank you!
The “well done” comment cracked me up 😂 very good video from beginning to end.
Thank you for this video. I'm the limerent, but it's helpful to see how my platonic friend and limerent object probably have felt. In my disclosure (hopefully the last one), he behaved kindly, polite, but distant and decisive about his only friendship interest in me. It was quite painful, though liberating. Before, he acted sometimes like this, sometimes ambiguous (eg., demanding to stay in touch). He was quite ambiguous sometimes. I have this sour feeling : was I completely crazy or did he flirty with me, even if he knew that he was not romantically interested? Well, it's pointless trying to answer this question... I already have lost a lot of time trying to do it. I just want to move on and let him go 😔. Thank you for your valuable work. Ps. Sorry for my English, it's not my first language. 10:06
Thank you for sharing. Yes letting go can be difficult, sometimes it just means living with the feelings but not attaching to them too much. Take care.
Sure you don't want to be purposefully hurtful, but be absolutely clear that you are closing that door, that you are sure about it and have no chance of changing your mind. And act accordingly. If you can't go no contact, give them as much space as possible. If you can't avoid having to interact regularly, try to find out what they misconstrued as signs of romantic interest and clarify to them what you consider platonic friendly gestures they might have misread, and if you have different ideas about which qualifies as which (nobody's necessarily wrong, people just have different "thresholds" and definitions, and it's helpful to communicate them), discuss it with them and be mindful of those behaviours around them. Of course not everything is under your control because the limerent mind magnifies small things out of proportion, but don't be careless either. I daresay that EVEN if you are actually NOT 100% sure your lack of interest is complete and definitive, don't let it show. If you actually care about that person in any capacity, set them free, they are in agony. Should you actually change your mind later on, you'll see about disclosing that to them *if and when it actually happens.* But don't keep them waiting in that horrible state of limbo "just in case", that's at best clueless, but honestly, horribly selfish. Uncertainty is a central ingredient of limerence, it is the canvas for the limerent imagination to go wild, the door to the parallel dimension of fantasies, don't leave it ajar.
For you limerent buddies, let me try and make things simpler for you: whatever happens, remind yourself that if it isn't a clear and enthusiastic yes, then it's a no. You know, a bit like with consent. If they don't give that clear "yes" to you, then whatever they feel about you that stops them from being clearer, I can tell you right away is not "love", and if they don't give you a clear "no", they are probably not even a good friend either. If they did love you, they would say yes, simple. If they did care about you, as a friend or even just a fellow human worthy of respect and dignity, they would set you free with a clear "no" and not selfishly keep that little ember alive in you, just because they like having you around or just in case they change their mind.
If you feel a part of you getting defensive, thinking I'm demonizing your LO, I'm talking about actions, not intentions. They may or may not be purposeful in being this unclear, and it doesn't really matter. Whether they are clueless, immature, going through something, whatever attenuating circumstances you might think about, or actually manipulative, I can't be sure, you can't be sure, but what is certain is that the end result is the same: their behaviour is hurting you and they are proving to be unable or unwilling to do otherwise. Either way, you must take this as a no.
Yes or no, there is no other good answer, anything else is them making things horribly harder for you just to keep their options open. There is no clearer sign that the image of that person you are obsessing about and the real person you have in front of you are NOT the same. There is no clearer sign that the way out of limerence is working on your sense of self worth, because if you got an unclear answer and you're actually considering settling for this vagueness, that's you settling for crumbs... nay, less than crumbs, just the idea of crumbs being dangled in front of you, and you might still get nothing in the end. Anything other than a clear yes or no is NOT "better than nothing", it's worse.
Focus on yourself, build yourself up, reparent yourself. The good news is that if the image in your head is not the person in front of you, it means the thing you need is actually already inside of you! Your brain came up with it, you could picture it vividly, you know what it looks like and feels like, you can identify the need, and you can give yourself that love and validation you crave, and/or seek it in healthier places. But don't wait on anyone to solve it for you, use it to solve the issue for yourself.
Edit: I should disclose I have no credentials or qualifications in the domain to be saying all this... the reason I'm so adamant about it is of course because of personal experiences. I have been limerent myself and I saw my best friend be consumed by limerence, with LOs who made all of those mistakes and it was like gas on a flame. Again I do not wish to demonize anyone, I don't even think those specific LOs were fully aware of the consequences of what they were doing. They were selfish alright but maybe not purposefully destroying us, maybe just overly casual with our feelings, maybe they thought they were just playing and we'd get over it, maybe we were somewhat good at hiding the severity of the impact, maybe they were just too focussed on themselves and whatever they had going on to even pay attention to what was going on on the other side... who am I to know. But I got over it, and my friend didn't, her mental health and this obsession eventually took her away, leaving her family, friends and I devastated, so if this message can help anyone avoid such disasters, I'm throwing it out there.
I wish that instead of following this advice people in my past would have asked me if I was romantically interested in them and told me they don’t feel the same when I told them yes.
Why is it so much harder for people to be direct and save the person from confusion?
The last bit is the bit you should follow. Bring it into the light.
I agree with you, but it’s not always possible. And not everyone can handle the truth straight up. If you want the truth, ask for it.
I would go full no contact if I didn't have to work with the person. I actually need to have work conversations with him, and ask for things to be done, and acknowledge when they are done which means i must genuinely express thanks. I severely limit any other conversations, to the point that with others I'm sure it would be considered rude. Sometimes i think he is stopping but then there will come a day when the ridiculous oversized smile and obsequious, almost militaristic, door holding start up again. The sooner I can get another job the better.
Thanks for this video. I'm not sure if I'm just normal in love with someone or if its already limerence. He is a colleague, but we are also friends and as I came out with my intention to date him, he refused, giving the cause that we work together. So it is very helpful for me to put myself in his shoes and to get a feeling for his situation. I don't know how to handle the situation well. I would like to got full no contact (which is not possible cause of work) but I'm also not sure if he would feel bad if I distance myself as much as possible. He often comes in my office with no real work reason, he calls me beautiful and make jokes and sometimes asks me to spend the lunch break with him. This gives me mixed feelings. Its not easy to shut my feelings down when there is still contact.
Oh wow! That's not easy. 💙
You absolutely need to get angry and this applies for both parties.
As the object of limerence you need to be strict and not feed them. Don't bathe in that attention. Be distant. Set a boundary. Don't be hostile but don't be nice either.
As the limerent person, you need to get angry at your inner object. It is absolutely necessary. You need to understand, to feel, that they are insufficient and lacking, because they are not physically there with you now.
The objects is in many cases a replacement for your first caregiver, someone you were unable to separate from despite of them being distant and insufficient, because your life depended on them.
You can separate now. Blame that object, draw a line, say "you have no right having a space in my head when you are not giving me anything".
And avoid the actual person as much as you can. You were never really friends to begin with and if they really wanted you in their life, they could make that happen by reaching out .
Limerance can be far more complicated than this. If it works for you, great. It did not work for me.
@@StephieGsrEvolution oh I'm not saying that's the one-fits-all solution to all our problems. Just one building block ❤️
I have obsessive thoughts for someone. And sometimes i want to get out of this situation and sometimes i don't want to get out of this situation and it's just distrubing me continuously . How can i get out of this situation ?
I relate to you, because sometimes I don't want to be in limerence but sometimes I really want, but unfortunately I don't know how to help you 😔
@@EV143 hmm I understand .
@@user-ps5nc1ne5j thank you for understanding 😊
What do I do if it's my roommate? I had a space free in my shared appartment, he asked if he could move in and because we are good friends, I agreed. Now three weeks before moving in, he confessed to having a crush on me which I already suspected because he would like everything I like, do everything I do etc. and generally be obsessed. I couldn't just not allow him to move in anymore because I can't afford the space on my own and wouldn't be able to find a new roommate that fast and also he is a good friend and part of my friend group and so now he lives here and it's just awkward but neither I want to move out nor can he move out already 😬
That is difficult, and likely to feel strange because he confessed and you are friends. It's your choice how to handle it of course, and each of you are responsible for your feelings and behaviour, but a general point I would make is that his feelings will likely run their course in time and you can make sure you keep an appropriate distance to ensure you don't give mixed signals while also not being hurtful. Hard to be more specific than that and try to be honest and follow your intuition. Remember, his feelings are his! He needs to take care of them.
@@Marios_CG why are you not replying my message? Sir
I have this where the person keeps drinking and saying it’s my fault because I don’t share the same feelings . When I block them they find other ways of contacting me . I try to let them down gently but it doesn’t work
You are not responsible for their behaviour, look after yourself.
I have had limerence but often wonder what would be if the boot was on the other foot, and I was a limerent object, or what would the limerent object think if he/she knew I had obsessive thoughts over them.
Take my platonic limerent object, Tim, the one who I mentioned died in 2006 aged 61. I always got on OK with him at work, he had learning difficulties but he was a bit opinionated and a busybody. Tim spoke to everyone though, so why would I be any different to others? If I left the workplace, I very much doubt Tim would give me a 2nd thought. OK he may occasionally wonder how I was but even then, it would be a passing thought. I do not think he would miss me. You seem to think the limerent object cares about you as much as you do with them, but you are wrong. If he was still alive, I wonder what would he think of my obsessional thoughts over him?
Thanks for sharing, it's definitely a useful exercise to think about what if the boot was on the other foot. It's a uniquely strange experience from both ends of limerence.
What do I do, if I genuinely like the guy? He broke it off, after three weeks of talking because I wasn't as emotionally invested as him. I feel like we could have been good, if he didn't blow everything out of proportion like this 😅 I'd still like to have him in my life and even try something romantically, but he went through an entire relationship in the span of three weeks 😅
hey, not sure if I have any right to give advice. Right now I (probably) feel limerence towards a person that I want to be friends with. So literally today I found out what this state of mind even exists and hope I can work on it to overcome it as soon as possible.
If this guy broke it off after 3 weeks, my hope here would be that his case was not as hardcore as others. IF you really want to have this guy in your life he would probably come running back as soon as you text him something like "hey how are you doing?". If you wanna give this a try, I think you have to be very specific and clear with him. You have to tell him that his behaviour is possibly Limerence (in case he was not aware of it, like I was until today). He has to at least realize what he was doing and work on this subject. It would be even better if he saw a therapist about this. If he still is into you in the same way as before, he will probably do whatever it takes to increase his chances.
I'm only guessing here, but it's possible that actully spending time together and talking a lot could decrease the obsessive feelings. Because back then, he probably only saw your good points. If he gets the time to learn about your "bad points" he might come to see that you are not perfect. And then , he will either stay interested in you, or he might lose interest because his perfect mental image of you that he build in his head will be destroyed.
I kinda wish I would get the chance to see the bad parts of the person I'm currently crushing on.. because I actully just want to go back to being friends. But right now we are on a weird "keeping an awkward distance" situation where nothing can really change. I can only sit here and wait for time to pass and try to disract myself.
Can one person be limerernt and get the person, then pull back getting the other person limerent for them??
These people never accept the reality that they are in limberence and sees everything especially women they stalks are doing everything for their love ( they makes fake sceníors in mind)even when people says that nothing is from my side they still tries lots of narcissistic ways to get their object of limberence's attention 😂😅 these creatures stalks too at great extent......and these fragile dudes even struggles to accept rejection ( they will see either as something their victim doing in the pressure of family or other factors) this loop goes round and round most of these catagory of individuals are immature, weak and in mg language a**hole...cause I am still suffering from this I am victim of these people....they stalks my every social media accounts and tries to study me...but thanks to psychology cause it saved me
you mistake stalkers with people who are in love with an imaginary version of a person
I don't understand
like you mind your life everything is about their stalking it's been years it's heavy
It’s scary asf
I think you contradict yourself pretty quickly in this video. You say that Limerent people often don’t have a full picture of the person they have Limerence towards. But then say the object of Limerence should have zero contact because even a look in their direction could encourage them. I find this to be wildly untrue. Often the aspect of having ZERO contact with her whatsoever is the thing that keeps me stuck the most. It seems like pure torture. Therefore, wouldn’t it often be a successful strategy to allow the limerant person at least some small glimpse into the object of Limerence’s life thereby clearing up who the person really is? Rather than that person creating some fake illusion of who that person thinks they are?
I’m speaking from the point of view of someone stuck in deep Limerence, from which I have after quite some time and lots of therapy, concluded I may never emerge, although I am still trying, and my case is quite different from many aspects you have previously discussed. For example: 1. I’m under no illusions this person is perfect by any means. I know they are quite flawed (as are all humans) they have insecurities and things they need to work on. But I care about them in spite of these flaws. 2. Part of the thing that keeps me stuck is being aware that I don’t really know her well enough to know whether my mental picture is completely accurate. I’ve met her, know her, we dated, every so briefly, and for me I honestly wish I could just be friends with her long enough to even find out whether my perception of her is true or not. But without knowing that, I will always just be stuck in wonder and curiosity whether or not I’m right about who she is. And I do say whether or not because I am aware it’s entirely likely she may not be who I think she is. But from the brief time we spent together, it seems very likely she is at the very least very similar to the person I think she is.
So… where do I go from here? Because for me, it will be impossible for me to ever let go without finding out if she is the person I think she is or not. But it would be very easy to let go if she would just let me be friends, and she not friends, with her and get to see first hand that I might in fact be very wrong…
I think you have to access 2 things first...
1. Are the both of you available? If the answer is no, then there isn't anything further to consider. You can only create a mature & incredible relationship when both parties want that, and their actions are clear that they do.
2. After knowing they and you are available and speaking with them, are they also feeling that way for you and building the relationship with you? You do need to speak and be open to progress any relationship.
So what I am saying is that you need not learn more about the person except to know if they are available and also interested in pursuing a relationship with you.
This world is full of both available and unavailable people. Make sure you cross off the unavailable ones immediately. They aren't what you want. Then cross off the ones that aren't interested in you as well and showing that consistently to a point where you are at peace with your relationship.
The focus should always be on what you want. You don't want suffering. You want something awesome. That comes from being open & accepting what is *mutual*.
I find cutting myself off from the platonic OOL yes hurts tons at first yet this is the time you need to do inner work and uncover the real whys behind the pain and why where you limerant on them at all.
For example my; Platonic OOL broke up with me after being rageful for 2 years on why they weren't repairing cuz I had determined it was unfair to me to repair this "relationship" for a 9th time. I choose to put a stop to that I wanted badly to do the xyz of the past to repair yet forced myself to not do so. And so I spent 2 years that I precived as only being 4 months! of time being rageful and angry at them cuz we live together so this makes it harder.
After getting constant feed back on I'm mad I'm angry cuz I had a disconnect from how angry I actually was I did self work on am I angry? I started taking note every time I saw my OOL what feelings went on on my body, if I spoke to them what did I notice? I deduced body wise things weren't matching up I'd say I'm fine, I'm talking to them normal, they'd say I'm yelling at them turns out while I still can't hear if I'm yelling or not which is a trait we're self tone death so anyhow I could notice sensations altered yelling at them or not I learned this only happened around the OOL so I decided to journal and think on it why would this be so? I wasn't there to blame me nor them I wanted to self understand. For instance the anger I felt at my OOL for not repairing was actual projected anger that should've gone to my parent who was distant and did not love me, they cared maybe but that's not a give in for love, and they didn't repair past pains with me I wanted this unavailable parent and I found a good copy in my OOL not their fault!
Finding the answers especially to big pains I may hurt after acknowledging the actual truth, I may need to mourn a few days but next time I saw OOL come in I noticed I was less angry, less judgy, less blaming, more accepting we're broken up and so long as I didn't ask about them to others, I stayed off their social media refusing to stalk them, I cut them off like they were not interested in me which was hard at first yet it's getting easier. I'm way more ok now then several months ago in accepting we're broken up, I will not repair it, they don't want to repair it, they're fine with me not in their life, yet I'm learning to be fine with them not in mine I tried for years to have this OOL love me, want me, accept me they proved they were unsafe, didn't love me they may care for me yet this seems pretty done as well due to my outbursts when I didn't know better and I thought that was bid for love & bid for repairing I was doing it wasn't, and now they can be as nice or inclusive to anyone but me and I'm learning to be ok with that let them go so I can live my life build & rebuild my life without them in it.
If I go to their social media or learn to much into on them I start limerancing again yet that means if I catch myself doing it I can also redirect myself to me and what do I want and need now cuz clearly I need and want something or else I'd not be looking at the external world (and my OOL) for it!
Ok this is going to sound cruel. But it's essential you know this. The Only Thing you need to know about this real person is that they are not into you. After that, frankly, they can be as anything from amazing to horrible, it is not relevant. If you persist in seeking to know more you are trespassing on details that belong to people who are in fact close to that person.
So, for your own good, listen to and respect their distance.
No bc you will interpret any kind of politeness as them being into you.
But also remember, make him or her clear what who you are & don't forget if he or she is genuine feelings towards you then YOU will loose a diamond 💎...so be careful before saying NO to such person...once gone gone....
Great advice, thank you so much!!!