What happens when the family scapegoat leaves?
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 18 มิ.ย. 2023
- What happens if the scapegoat leaves? Insights from about 7 years of workshops devoted to family systems healing. Was this your experience?
#scapegoat #scapegoatchild #familyconstellations #narcissisticfamily #cyclebreaker #cyclebreakers #blacksheep
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The kid who sees the pathology and refuses to comply ❤
That would be me. I wouldn't play along with the dysfunction and rejection.
Well said, succinctly!
Meeeeee!!! I’m free!!!
Yes!❤
@@daodejing81 Thank You ! True thou ! 🌸
I was my family's scapegoat.
I left my house as soon as I graduated college because I felt bad that I was always hurting my family (which I believed because of being constantly blamed).
While I was living alone during that first year, my sister calls and tells me that the family was a lot happier ever since I left.
Over 5 years later, that same sister calls me and tells me that I made my family unhappy, that I made them suffer because I left. That I hurt the family.
Thank you for the information, it's helping me understand my life a little bit better.
What an a-hole. I had a similar problem and my sibling right after me (I’m the eldest child) told me I was abandoning them and leaving the burdens on them next. The nerve.
Sounds like your sister became the scapegoat, but instead of realizing the mistreatment of you was rerouted to her, she sees it as your fault shes unhappy. She hasn’t learned a thing. Good for her, I hope it teaches her something, eventually
Block ur sister. U don’t need that in ur life. U got out, stay out whatever happens.
Oof. Good for you to stay away, although if available (and affordable) I'd still recommend some therapy. I know it's helped me with many issues.
Life always gets worse for the narcissistic set-up when the scapegoat leaves. Without fail.
Before I knew what a scapegoat was, I went low contact with my family because (surprise!) I always got blamed for everything and they all acted like I was stupid. A couple years later my mom and sisters reeled me back into the family dynamics by begging me to go on a sisters vacation where we would go to a cabin in the mountains and all "bond" for four days. My mom said I "owed" it to them for being so distant. My smart husband told me I shouldn't go but I naively thought things had changed so I went. My sisters locked me out of the cabin on day two and took off in the car to a spot to hike almost all day. They just left me with no access to my phone, water, food, book, camp chair nothing. When they got back I was extremely upset but they said it was my fault I couldn't take a joke and had no reason to be upset with them. It was all in "good" fun. When we got back my sisters told my parents that I had made the trip miserable and caused trouble. Nobody wanted to hear my side. This time, both sides went no contact.
PS Edit: Of course they badmouthed me to the entire extended family afterward.
Weirdly, they always think we're stupid, yet we're the only ones who ever will see it all clearly. 🤔
That's what you call a hoover. They'll act like normal people to pull you into yet another abusive scenario, and then proceed to completely drop the mask when they've got you where they want you. It works because you naturally crave compassion and connection, but they've learned to exploit your healthy human instincts in order to trick you into falling for their trap.
@@cc1k435
Right?! So true.
@aaronwood2063
Wow! I'm just figuring this all out, and your comment really put the whole incident into perspective for me. You nailed it. Thank you!
I'm so sorry you had to experience that level of abuse from them. That's awful! 😠 Never go near them ever again. They showed you exactly who they are. Don't fall into the trap of "hoping" they will change. They will not. Pure evil with no compassion.
My aunt adopted me when my mom was declared unable to provide care, and my uncle (and by extension, everyone in his family) started acting like I was a useless servant at best, and a freeloading parasite at worst.
I was seven when that started. As I got older, my cousins started blaming everything on me as well, since they knew their dad would spank me without asking any questions, and as that continued my aunt basically gave up on me being anything more than a "problem child" since it was 3 (Uncle + cousins) against 1 (me), so obviously I _had_ to be the bad one.
I got a job as soon as possible, and saved up $5k (difficult, since I was being forced to pay my uncle rent), and moved out of the house when I was 20. Less than a month later my cousins and aunt were literally *_begging_* me to come back, because suddenly all of my uncle's vitriol was aimed at them.
They've had seven people rent my old bedroom over the past 4 years, trying to hold the family together while also having something to keep my uncle in check.
Not my problem.
Good on you for growing into an independent person.
@@smartyben101 It's been difficult, but if there's one thing my aunt and uncle taught me, it was to hate feeling like a freeloader.
@@SuperiorPosterior The most powerful form of revenge is to be happy and successful while leaving your tormentors to rot.
I’m so sorry as an innocent child you endured that
Okay, what about the friends? who scapegoated you and the whole school or class treated you less when you are all emotional, as a trauma response not rational, or felt loved! That narcissistic group of friends has their own ego self and they lack nothing in life, such as love, home, and parents! So why she or they would be jealous of me? To smear campaign and to isolate & betray me, she admits she isn't jealous as I can see they have everything in life which they need, the safety which we lack, which means I am the worthless one who got used, and disrespected? From family & friends, and it is our BPD grandiosity towards which doesn't let us to see behind the wall, is my grandiosity unreal & untrue about me, I am I really unworthy to all & to the society and as a human being and in schoolmates, as they feel superior from me and I never truly understood why they are considering me as dumb, they are pious and pray, so they are flower to god as well, then what I am, even my own mom treated me the same as the rest, it's all I blame myself and my Cushing syndrome which all of sudden I blamed at 8years old, Which no one is there to help me or give me treatment as I am 23years old now but I have been struggling and trying to figure it out since my teenage and I said to this controlling narcissistic family and relatives who are forcefully in my life to take advantage by scapegoating my covert narcissism mom, who still dismiss it and then say you are perfect, how hideous
Please make me understand
Being hated by my family strengthened me to the man I am now. The beatings toughened me up to the point of fearing no person or group of people. Apparently, I was supposed to be a girl, so my father hated me from birth. Now I'm 54 and married for 21 years and very happy. I'm a bit of a loner but that gives me time to read and go out with my dog. When I was recently contacted that my mother was dying, I sent a one-word answer "Good".
I hear ya. I will have someone call me soon about my bio mother who is a Covert narcisist. I have been no contact since my father died.
Not sure how I will react when I hear "the news" about the flying monkey's boss.
I have to admit, my mourning period for my father was (checks watch) rather short. There were no expressions of any pride, consideration, or anything else at any point. I was pretty much ignored.
Both parents were OK with me as long as I didn't have an opinion that differed from theirs, liked all the people they did--even when they were abusive to me--and so on. So basically, they were never OK with me. "Oh...(sigh). Can't you ever just like anybody?" Who abused me verbally for years? No. I'm glad he's dead, I wouldn't mind if it hurt. Did you forget he accused me of molesting him as a kid just to get out of some minor trouble and you bought the lie and questioned me for two hours?
I'm not exactly going to mourn your death either there, egg donor. (checks watch) Is it going to be soon, because there's stuff in that house worth a couple bucks.
We sound horribly cold toward them but...that's the way we've been treated. Transactionally. It should be no surprise that's the way we treat them in return.
I hear you and I did the same about my mom. Never go back because they never change.
Narcissists never die even after you bury them. The demonic possession that they have will continue to haunt you after the host is long gone, by way of the damage that they did to your self, your soul and the aftermath of the trauma which you may or may not heal from. That is their goal.
@@jacqueslee2592 Yep. Sell 'em. They're worth a couple bucks and they won't haunt other people, who never knew the narc.
In my case, all 3 things happened. The family first celebrated and said that I wouldn't be able to make it on my own and crawl back home in like a month. Then the entire family fell apart once they realized I wasn't coming back. Then they scapegoated the older sibling in the family after a few years of me not being there. Such a miserable existence.
Okay, what about the friends? who scapegoated you and the whole school or class treated you less when you are all emotional, as a trauma response not rational, or felt loved! That narcissistic group of friends has their own ego self and they lack nothing in life, such as love, home, and parents! So why she or they would be jealous of me? To smear campaign and to isolate & betray me, she admits she isn't jealous as I can see they have everything in life which they need, the safety which we lack, which means I am the worthless one who got used, and disrespected? From family & friends, and it is our BPD grandiosity towards which doesn't let us to see behind the wall, is my grandiosity unreal & untrue about me, I am I really unworthy to all & to the society and as a human being and in schoolmates, as they feel superior from me and I never truly understood why they are considering me as dumb, they are pious and pray, so they are flower to god as well, then what I am, even my own mom treated me the same as the rest, it's all I blame myself and my Cushing syndrome which all of sudden I blamed at 8years old, Which no one is there to help me or give me treatment as I am 23years old now but I have been struggling and trying to figure it out since my teenage and I said to this controlling narcissistic family and relatives who are forcefully in my life to take advantage by scapegoating my covert narcissism mom, who still dismiss it and then say you are perfect, how hideous
Please make me understand
@@miss_8thwonder Oh believe me, I had no friends growing up either and I lived in a predominately white neighborhood so a lot of the teachers and staff at my school couldn't even relate to me, being black and all. I've learned that the less people I have in my life now, the better. I grew up in a pit full of snapping cobras. There's nothing to understand, there are a lot of covert narcissist in the world and the only thing you can do to defend yourself from them is to separate from the people who've done you harm.
Thank you for mentioning this! So many people wrongly believe that going no contact will end scapegoat status, and that's not true! They continue to blame and smear the scapegoat from a distance, perhaps even more so due to the rage for the scapegoat leaving!
Of course but you do not have to hear it or see it. Going NO CONTACT and forgetting them is best. Do not let them know how you are, where you live or work or who your friends are. They cannot hurt you just blabbering amongst themselves at Thanksgiving. The people in your new life will know you as a great person and you will be happy you left all that behind. They never change, they never love you, they only seek to use you for what they can get then run you down again. They are SICK and you cannot fix or save them. SAFE YOURSELF. They love to upset you, she you hurt or angry because of them. Go FULL NO CONTACT FOREVER. Bless you🙏🙏👍
It doesn't matter how long you're gone, if you ever return, they'll jump right back in where it all left off. 😕
And the absolute worse part is becoming the scapegoat to the next generation - nieces and nephews who don't even know you, but HATE you anyway just to keep up tradition. Seeing once innocent kids corrupted is truly sickening.
@@cynthiajohnson9412 👍 Agreed.
As the scapegoat who’s gone no contact (finally), I know the 3 abusers will stop - when they are either physically/mentally incapacitated or are dead. Im number 3 scapegoat. The original my dear Mum is dead and for that I am grateful. The 2nd an older brother - he is only easily accessible by phone otherwise he keeps kind of to himself. To an extent but will get close if ‘Help’ is needed. Me - last time I got close to help (care for Mum when she was dying from cancer), and it was like the twilight zone me being target practice for the parent one in particular. As soon as mum was ‘out of the house for good’ the other 2 just went at it every time I spoke them on the phone. It was like they’d been waiting for Mum to die so they could start their perverted toxic behavior all over again. they’ve not been able to do it for over 30 years coz I kept away and the abuse was totally unhinged uncontrolled and more cruel and perverse than what I remember. 🤮. Like I did when I was 11yrs old I’ve taken steps to actively avoid but this time permanently. As long as I and my own family are not in the vicinity to be targeted - by one psycho sibling in particular who has proven she will individually go after my own kids if she can get her filthy spiteful abusing hands on them and spit her venom at them.. my kids have been trained to defend themselves if needed (something my abuser parent made sure I was denied), and they can handle themselves against these awful people but just knowing they are are in harms way whenever they are close to these people really bothers me. No contact IS the only option. These people will never change.
Pro tip: if you're a former scapegoat and have kids of your own, do not go back to your horrible families, it could ruin your kid's lives.
Both of my parents were the scapegoats of their respective families. They went back for a while before i was born, and we ended up losing everything. I made bonds with a couple of those people, but i was 5 or 6 so they're mostly dead now anyway. And going back to Florida to be with "family" instead of staying in Ohio where we were well off basically destroyed the lives of all three of their own kids (me and my older siblings). Also robbed us of decent childhoods for the most part. Looking back on it, I'd have rather not known my extended family then have felt unloved by most of the people i knew.
That should be common sense but common sense was never common
Okay, what about the friends? who scapegoated you and the whole school or class treated you less when you are all emotional, as a trauma response not rational, or felt loved! That narcissistic group of friends has their own ego self and they lack nothing in life, such as love, home, and parents! So why she or they would be jealous of me? To smear campaign and to isolate & betray me, she admits she isn't jealous as I can see they have everything in life which they need, the safety which we lack, which means I am the worthless one who got used, and disrespected? From family & friends, and it is our BPD grandiosity towards which doesn't let us to see behind the wall, is my grandiosity unreal & untrue about me, I am I really unworthy to all & to the society and as a human being and in schoolmates, as they feel superior from me and I never truly understood why they are considering me as dumb, they are pious and pray, so they are flower to god as well, then what I am, even my own mom treated me the same as the rest, it's all I blame myself and my Cushing syndrome which all of sudden I blamed at 8years old, Which no one is there to help me or give me treatment as I am 23years old now but I have been struggling and trying to figure it out since my teenage and I said to this controlling narcissistic family and relatives who are forcefully in my life to take advantage by scapegoating my covert narcissism mom, who still dismiss it and then say you are perfect, how hideous
Please make me understand
I left after 43 years of abuse, 20 years gone. They still blame me for behavior they do today, I heard through someone. Both my narcissistic parents are out of the picture now, but my two sisters have continued their legacy with abusive behavior toward me through letters, a few ugly encounters at work and on the street. They really miss having someone to punch in the face, psychologically speaking. They wanted me back after my father died, but I knew it would be a disaster. They never give up trying to get me back through fake-nice phone messages, gifts in the mail. I know who they are. I will never allow any of them in my presence again. They have only gotten worse with age.
I am experiencing that same fake-nice thing w my toxic family members... it's all a ploy to get you right back where they had you so they can finish the job and destroy you. All without being aware that they're doing it because they're programmed agents, not even aware of what they're doing, just carrying out a plan that's been programmed into them since childhood.
I know they are "locked in" to the cult of my narcissistically abuse parents, and I would feel sorry for them except they are shaming, blaming, mean and abusive to me. I was best friends to both my sisters for my whole life and they turned on me viciously when I went into therapy and talked about the abuse of all of us. Suddenly, I had "false memory syndrome." and I have been vilified ever since. I will never trust them in my presence again. And that's sad because I really thought we would be friends for life, but that's the power of a cult, of narcissists, especially when they can get a sibling out of the family trust and take more for themselves.@@levelintent
You're very smart to spot this fake nice behavior. Best to you in everything you do.@@levelintent
@@bonnieforman9700 you are not alone. I have a sister and thought we would be friends for life as well. I never thought it would come a time where I wouldn't even want her at my wedding if I ever get married, but that time has come... I don't want any of my family at my wedding. I will never trust her again and the bond we used to have is permanently broken... I was forced to communicate with her recently (because my mother was moving out of our childhood home) and God gave me a sign by having me overhear something she said showing me that she is still the exact same person. I confronted her about what I overheard, but she gaslighted me and denied it, saying she has changed...
I actually sat back and thought about how many chances I've given my sister over our lives, including the times she's pulled away from me and it's around 300... I can't give any more chances. I'm beyond trying to work things out. I'm exhausted and done, I just want to be left alone...
Don’t you mean to say that they got better at what they do..?
I actually complemented my sister that she’s better at what she does now without specifics (manipulation, lying, slander).
She looked at me like not sure how to take my statement, and cautiously said “thanks”.
I’m still chuckling…
I was the shield and the punching bag for a looooong time. When I blew the cover of the abuser, the response of my "family" was absolute rage, followed by amputation. Don't know what happened after that, but I pray for them. My life has become healthy and peaceful, although I will forever grieve the loss of people I loved and though loved me.
Okay, what about the friends? who scapegoated you and the whole school or class treated you less when you are all emotional, as a trauma response not rational, or felt loved! That narcissistic group of friends has their own ego self and they lack nothing in life, such as love, home, and parents! So why she or they would be jealous of me? To smear campaign and to isolate & betray me, she admits she isn't jealous as I can see they have everything in life which they need, the safety which we lack, which means I am the worthless one who got used, and disrespected? From family & friends, and it is our BPD grandiosity towards which doesn't let us to see behind the wall, is my grandiosity unreal & untrue about me, I am I really unworthy to all & to the society and as a human being and in schoolmates, as they feel superior from me and I never truly understood why they are considering me as dumb, they are pious and pray, so they are flower to god as well, then what I am, even my own mom treated me the same as the rest, it's all I blame myself and my Cushing syndrome which all of sudden I blamed at 8years old, Which no one is there to help me or give me treatment as I am 23years old now but I have been struggling and trying to figure it out since my teenage and I said to this controlling narcissistic family and relatives who are forcefully in my life to take advantage by scapegoating my covert narcissism mom, who still dismiss it and then say you are perfect, how hideous
Please make me understand
If there's anything I've learned, a lot of people are so unbelievably entrenched in their denial, they are quite LITERALLY willing to die before looking at reality. I'm serious.
I just lost my closest family member a few weeks ago. His lies and denial literally got him killed. His health deteriorated hideously because he refused to look at it or admit fault in anyway. He was willing to die to live in a sick fantasy, and thus he did. He chose to die, in my honest opinion.
I talk about this because I am the scapegoat of my family. I have never ever been able to play the games of denial that my family are good at. And I feel strongly that my family are the same. Their denial is so unshakeable, that I believe it will eventually kill them. I think many people would opt to have their health deteriorate and stress build up to the point of killing them rather than to embark on a mission of introspection and resolution.
People literally choose DEATH before they choose themselves, because denial (and by extension, scapegoating) is an illness of self-abandonment.
Yup
Alot of parents have these unresolved issues before their kids were born and project their issues on to the kids.
Okay, what about the friends? who scapegoated you and the whole school or class treated you less when you are all emotional, as a trauma response not rational, or felt loved! That narcissistic group of friends has their own ego self and they lack nothing in life, such as love, home, and parents! So why she or they would be jealous of me? To smear campaign and to isolate & betray me, she admits she isn't jealous as I can see they have everything in life which they need, the safety which we lack, which means I am the worthless one who got used, and disrespected? From family & friends, and it is our BPD grandiosity towards which doesn't let us to see behind the wall, is my grandiosity unreal & untrue about me, I am I really unworthy to all & to the society and as a human being and in schoolmates, as they feel superior from me and I never truly understood why they are considering me as dumb, they are pious and pray, so they are flower to god as well, then what I am, even my own mom treated me the same as the rest, it's all I blame myself and my Cushing syndrome which all of sudden I blamed at 8years old, Which no one is there to help me or give me treatment as I am 23years old now but I have been struggling and trying to figure it out since my teenage and I said to this controlling narcissistic family and relatives who are forcefully in my life to take advantage by scapegoating my covert narcissism mom, who still dismiss it and then say you are perfect, how hideous
Please make me understand
I went no contact and feel the stories of my evil have probably reached mythical proportions.
This comment makes me feel less alone
To gain a wider perspective, I just went down a very uncomfortable rabbit hole of watching a few videos from "estranged" parents. Now granted, I only saw a handful of videos because it was so hard to watch. It is truly remarkable how many of them see themselves as the sole victim and the victimhood is so performative and over-the-top, I literally couldn't finish some of the videos. In stark contrast, most of the videos I have seen from the self-identified scapegoats are generally very level-headed and informative -- meant to help others heal from often years, or even decades of abuse.
The estranged parents in these videos literally scapegoat their children in full daylight for the world to see, and even as they do it in front of thousands of people on TH-cam, they can't see that they are doing it. And even more disturbing is the legions of other "estranged" parents chiming in on the comment section, often quoting bible passages, while throwing their own children under the bus.
I would be very interested in getting Nick's take on this. Is it a performance for sympathy or are they really that unaware of their part in the disfunction?
This happened to me a few days ago as well! I bet we were riding the same algorithm. I just saw a video of quotes from abusers admitting/implying that they know they treated the person wrong. It really opened my eyes. They know. I do think it's performative, for sympathy, or to hoover the child back.
The fact that most of those ppl are boomers or early gen-x is really concerning to me... Like what happened to yall?? Damn!
My understanding is that when the behavior is high on the spectrum... it is equivalent to a very bad drug addiction.
Family dysfunction seems very high in many families lack of faith or
addiction issues ?
It's both, they want people on their side because they are always competing and they are not self-aware
Ever since I started standing up to my dad and talking back to him he doesn’t know how to deal with it, he’s so used to getting his own way that he was shocked that I would dare to argue back. I always used to be the ‘bottom of the heap’ in my family but since getting some distance from them I’ve very much realised that their problems are their problems and not mine and I’d like to keep it that way 💜
I dealt and still dealing with my father's prideful attitude of always being right, nosey, and etc. even at the age of 36. I forgive and love him, but also my mom enabled that behavior from him for so long due to her rule of "just be quiet, dont say nothing." But I had to tell her, I'm not that kind of person to hold it in because doing that destroyed me at one point in my life. He can start arguments, get angry because he doesn't know the details of your business, but its still my fault. Come to find out, I have a few cousins that's dealing with similar issues from my dad's brorhers and sisters. So its a family thing and they continue passing it down the line. So my husband and I, we've been keeping out of sight of him so he doesn't "start" anything.
Okay, what about the friends? who scapegoated you and the whole school or class treated you less when you are all emotional, as a trauma response not rational, or felt loved! That narcissistic group of friends has their own ego self and they lack nothing in life, such as love, home, and parents! So why she or they would be jealous of me? To smear campaign and to isolate & betray me, she admits she isn't jealous as I can see they have everything in life which they need, the safety which we lack, which means I am the worthless one who got used, and disrespected? From family & friends, and it is our BPD grandiosity towards which doesn't let us to see behind the wall, is my grandiosity unreal & untrue about me, I am I really unworthy to all & to the society and as a human being and in schoolmates, as they feel superior from me and I never truly understood why they are considering me as dumb, they are pious and pray, so they are flower to god as well, then what I am, even my own mom treated me the same as the rest, it's all I blame myself and Cushing syndrome. Which no one is there to help me or give me treatment as I am 23years old now but I have been struggling and trying to figure it out since my teenage and I said to this controlling narcissistic family and relatives who are forcefully in my life to take advantage by scapegoating my covert narcissism mom, who still dismiss it and then say you are perfect, how hideous
Please make me understand
I went through that as well with family and friends. It’s about them not being comfortable with vulnerability or being intimated that someone is different. It also depends on your social groups and access to different people - sadly until you get connected to things that interest you and support you in other ways, it’s hard to know what friends are real until you know yourself more.
I was always the scape goat. I'm 49 and still get blamed for everything. I didnt realize this dysfunctional family dynamic till I was 36. Then everything fell into place in terms of why I was always miss treated.
I heard someone say, recently, that the mid-30s is the age when most of us fall out of our ability to keep the whole circus up and dancing. We get tired. We get stressed. We just can't do it anymore. Then, a lot of stuff shakes up. We get therapy. We get distance. We start to heal. Wishing that you get peace, too.
I didn't even realize I was the scapegoat until I was 49. I'm now about to turn 52. Parents have been gone for years. I'm no contact with 2 siblings, and minimal contact with the other. My life is still far from perfect, but so much more peaceful now!
Best wishes to us all! 🙏❤️
Okay, what about the friends? who scapegoated you and the whole school or class treated you less when you are all emotional, as a trauma response not rational, or felt loved! That narcissistic group of friends has their own ego self and they lack nothing in life, such as love, home, and parents! So why she or they would be jealous of me? To smear campaign and to isolate & betray me, she admits she isn't jealous as I can see they have everything in life which they need, the safety which we lack, which means I am the worthless one who got used, and disrespected? From family & friends, and it is our BPD grandiosity towards which doesn't let us to see behind the wall, is my grandiosity unreal & untrue about me, I am I really unworthy to all & to the society and as a human being and in schoolmates, as they feel superior from me and I never truly understood why they are considering me as dumb, they are pious and pray, so they are flower to god as well, then what I am, even my own mom treated me the same as the rest, it's all I blame myself and my Cushing syndrome which all of sudden I blamed at 8years old, Which no one is there to help me or give me treatment as I am 23years old now but I have been struggling and trying to figure it out since my teenage and I said to this controlling narcissistic family and relatives who are forcefully in my life to take advantage by scapegoating my covert narcissism mom, who still dismiss it and then say you are perfect, how hideous
Please make me understand
@@miss_8thwonder That was alot. Forgive me if I didn't catch the most important part of what you wrote. I only want to say this to you:
You DO NOT need weak people to love or validate you. They will never meet the need you have. They never did, never could, never will.
YOU have to LOVE YOU. That is free. It is not terribly difficult and it does not have to be painful.
Find that kid you were. Divide yourself, as an adult, from the memories. See that kid you were and love that kid like you are their parent. You are that kid's protector. You love that kid more than anyone else could. Claim yourself. Be fierce. Love yourself better than any one else ever could.
And remember that "healing" is different from "healthy". Learn to live healthy because that kid you once were deserves the best. Forever.
Much love and support to you on your journey. Wishing you the best new year.
I'm #2. Definitely. After I left home at 17, there was a startling amount of talk about me for years, even beyond my immediate family. The creation of a mythology by the core of my family, notably siblings really rings true for me.
Well, then I would tell myself the story of how I was the one who got to get away from the whole mess. Legend! 😆
When your whole family can't see what's really happening, it matters how you talk to yourself.
This happened to me too. I'm the youngest in my family and was the first to move out. I was the main subject of their conversations for years and they even created ridiculous lore about me, none of which was true. 🤣
You got your own mythology!
Most gods don't even get that honor!
But honestly, good on you dude. Keep those toxic fucks out
I left first to move away and then my mom followed. We're much happier now. Other relatives always had issues with us and would often deflect and project their insecurities, shortcomings, unhappiness etc onto us yet would look to us to resolve their problems and if it didn't work out, we caught the blame once more. My mom and i have made breakthroughs on our journey as mother and daughter and as individuals. We've healed many emotional/ spiritual wounds.
If any of you ever get the opportunity to leave, go and don't look back. They will not change with time. It only gets worse and the longer you stay the more you'll feel obligated to remain in that position. "They'll hate me if i leave"... My love, they already do because they actually hate themselves and seeing you is a reminder that they never made it in life. They see your light, your potential, growth etc they just don't want YOU to see it within yourself. Please leave those ppl and don't look back
❤
Okay, what about the friends? who scapegoated you and the whole school or class treated you less when you are all emotional, as a trauma response not rational, or felt loved! That narcissistic group of friends has their own ego self and they lack nothing in life, such as love, home, and parents! So why she or they would be jealous of me? To smear campaign and to isolate & betray me, she admits she isn't jealous as I can see they have everything in life which they need, the safety which we lack, which means I am the worthless one who got used, and disrespected? From family & friends, and it is our BPD grandiosity towards which doesn't let us to see behind the wall, is my grandiosity unreal & untrue about me, I am I really unworthy to all & to the society and as a human being and in schoolmates, as they feel superior from me and I never truly understood why they are considering me as dumb, they are pious and pray, so they are flower to god as well, then what I am, even my own mom treated me the same as the rest, it's all I blame myself and my Cushing syndrome which all of sudden I blamed at 8years old, Which no one is there to help me or give me treatment as I am 23years old now but I have been struggling and trying to figure it out since my teenage and I said to this controlling narcissistic family and relatives who are forcefully in my life to take advantage by scapegoating my covert narcissism mom, who still dismiss it and then say you are perfect, how hideous
Please make me understand
It’s been over four years since I ended contact and I just recently ground out from a friend that my sister is going around saying crazy stuff about me. It like, you leave so they can’t keep mistreating you but even after you’re gone they’re still mistreating you. I don’t want them to know anything about me because they’ll just come up with weird ways to see it. I want to heal. I am healing.
I like how in this video he didn’t just claim #1 is true, like so many videos out there. Knowing my family, #2 is probably true.
My family seems to have done a hybrid. They turned it up on a sibling in my absence, but when I moved back to the area, it was, "Yay, the scapegoat's back!" I am really thinking the move back is not going to be forever. 😂
The last thing I said to my mother is that if she ever slanders me again I will seek legal counsel (from a particular attorney who can't stand her)
Okay, what about the friends? who scapegoated you and the whole school or class treated you less when you are all emotional, as a trauma response not rational, or felt loved! That narcissistic group of friends has their own ego self and they lack nothing in life, such as love, home, and parents! So why she or they would be jealous of me? To smear campaign and to isolate & betray me, she admits she isn't jealous as I can see they have everything in life which they need, the safety which we lack, which means I am the worthless one who got used, and disrespected? From family & friends, and it is our BPD grandiosity towards which doesn't let us to see behind the wall, is my grandiosity unreal & untrue about me, I am I really unworthy to all & to the society and as a human being and in schoolmates, as they feel superior from me and I never truly understood why they are considering me as dumb, they are pious and pray, so they are flower to god as well, then what I am, even my own mom treated me the same as the rest, it's all I blame myself and my Cushing syndrome which all of sudden I blamed at 8years old, Which no one is there to help me or give me treatment as I am 23years old now but I have been struggling and trying to figure it out since my teenage and I said to this controlling narcissistic family and relatives who are forcefully in my life to take advantage by scapegoating my covert narcissism mom, who still dismiss it and then say you are perfect, how hideous
Please make me understand
I never knew I was the scapegoat until I put my foot down and told people NO, to just a few things I didnt want to do (as a middle aged adult, my choice). Man did all hell break loose.
My dad blamed me when he divorced my mom. Not sure what the logic behind it was, as I was already living on my own and was married, but there you go. Just crazy. My mom obviously who isn't better than him keeps using me as the "evil" one who is responsible for everything incl. for people getting ill. I mean I wish I could control these kind of things, but according to them I have apparently evil superpowers that can control other people's health, relationships and even (I am not joking) the weather. wow
That sounds rough. Please do your best not to believe him when he blames you for sh*t that you have no power over.
I have been called witch because I see things coming (patterns). They are so stupid 😂
You are a super human, all Unique by yourself, you rock. Enjoy life.
Sounds like you'd be burned at the stake hundreds of years ago for being a 'witch'.
Charles Xavier wants to know your location.
I walked away years ago. The smear campaign is still running right through that whole family down the generations. I'm happy to say I couldn't care less due to wonderful education from videos and victims comments. Freedom! 😊
Okay, what about the friends? who scapegoated you and the whole school or class treated you less when you are all emotional, as a trauma response not rational, or felt loved! That narcissistic group of friends has their own ego self and they lack nothing in life, such as love, home, and parents! So why she or they would be jealous of me? To smear campaign and to isolate & betray me, she admits she isn't jealous as I can see they have everything in life which they need, the safety which we lack, which means I am the worthless one who got used, and disrespected? From family & friends, and it is our BPD grandiosity towards which doesn't let us to see behind the wall, is my grandiosity unreal & untrue about me, I am I really unworthy to all & to the society and as a human being and in schoolmates, as they feel superior from me and I never truly understood why they are considering me as dumb, they are pious and pray, so they are flower to god as well, then what I am, even my own mom treated me the same as the rest, it's all I blame myself and my Cushing syndrome which all of sudden I blamed at 8years old, Which no one is there to help me or give me treatment as I am 23years old now but I have been struggling and trying to figure it out since my teenage and I said to this controlling narcissistic family and relatives who are forcefully in my life to take advantage by scapegoating my covert narcissism mom, who still dismiss it and then say you are perfect, how hideous
Please make me understand
I finally left the family when being labeled the scapegoat didn't stop with me. At the time, I deliberately had minimal contact. When the treatment started on my children, I stopped all contact. Our lives were so much more peaceful after that.
I'm always wrong but they try to hoover me back
Classic blame-shifting !
yeah, that's the weird thing about these toxic families. Apparently you are the problem but they can't cope without you. My mother says its because she "loves" me "so much". But not enough to treat me with dignity and respect
THIS. But “friends.”
Yup, they can’t live with you, they can’t live without you. They are bi-polar. And we are the scapegoat
Story of my life. The best part is I left, and they haven't met my children, nor will I give them my consent to be around them.
Feeling like the scapegoat where it spreads into extended family is the worst
Their smear campaigns are psychic attacks, it's an overwhelming amount of negative energy meant to shame, embarrass, demean and blame us. As empaths we can't help but be affected
Amen.
That's a whole other can of worms 😵💫
Any idiot cousins confront. Confront them and let them know you're not proud of them for abandoning their daughters during a car accident. Disgusting. She never told her husband either. Just lied about her own sweet, selfless mother who raised her kids. Tsk tsk tsk. Just worthless use of air.
Majority society is worshipping narcs. 90% of people narcs come in contact with narc will turn against you. People want other people acceptance and validation. If they don't join the narc they will get shamed so why I think a lot of people join in on attacking scapegoat.
I left almost a decade ago, and have no idea what happened because I went no contact. Not taking the blame, or gaslighting, and was sick of being the one that was to blame for everything even when I wasn’t around. I was the whipping board for their anger (which from my parents was explosive. They’d suddenly attack me verbally for no reason, or they’d make one up to justify the hate). Nope, done
I was even blamed for my mothers two heart attacks and quintuple bypass… not her years of bad eating habits, high weight, no exercise and diabetes. Me. I did that to her 😂
Make it make sense
I hope they all turned on each other, it’s the least they deserve
I’m 18, and I’ll be leaving my parents soon without letting them know. It’s definitely scary, and all three of those situations line up with my fears. I didn’t realize it was as bad until my father openly called me the problem child to his visiting work-friend. On top of that my brother seems to be most loved and appreciated, especially by my father. In general I’ve always felt like I stand out because I don’t always want to comply or question a lot about their ways of “discipline.” Ive been told I don’t do enough when I’m the sole-caretaker of all of the animals in the house and general household chores. I just wish people could see how my family really is instead of idolizing them and saying how great we are together. It’s like the neighbors and friends always think they’re good people even though they’ve mentally and physically abused me (mainly my father with my mother excusing his actions over and over) which leaves me feeling like I’m the one overreacting sometimes. I’m scared, I really am, this place is all I’ve known but come the middle of December.. I’ll be leaving with nothing but a note and a few gifts left behind. They’ve held all they’ve given me and provided me with over my head long enough, I want to prove to them I can be independent. I’ll finished my paid schooling just as I promised my mother, but it’ll be away from them. I hope I’ll be able to keep contact with my mom, but that is if she isn’t brainwashed by my father to the point of disscontempt for my disappearance. Maybe she’ll finally realize it’s time to leave instead of dealing with my father despite talking behind his back about how she doesn’t love him anymore and how she’s fed up with him. I don’t know, I just wanna go home, I want to heal.
Maybe I'm not the one to say anything. But I truly feel getting out of a situation like that will allow you to heal. Getting away from the place that has such a negative feeling around it. Even just going to a friend's house for a while can be such a reliving feeling. I know everything will go well for you. ❤❤
I will pray for you.
People are strong.
You are strong.
And you are loved and you are enough. Just the way you are.
You're twenty years younger than me, yet you sound so mature for your age. It sounds like you've got the courage and determination to be independently successful and I feel you will be 😊 good luck.
Make sure when you leave you tell the police that you are not missing and you are leaving of your own free will that way they can’t put out a missing persons to track you down. Also make sure to get your birth documents/tax info
@@moistmarader5595 I’ll be leaving my mother with a note, so I’ll have that covered. And I already have my important documentation stashed away, Thankyou you for the help!
I remember writing in a journal when I was a young teen that I was an unloveable monster, and I remember that I felt blamed for everything to the point that if the sky fell my family would blame me for it.
Now I'm big on being a self-loving monster 😂
I'm a former family scapegoat and I went no contact with my family in December of 2018 and I've been at peace ever since. My parents waited until they were dying to try and reconcile, and I refused. I don't feel the least bit bad about it.
I was the scapegoat. I ran away from home at 16 and ended up sleeping on the streets in London because I refused to go back. A few months after I left, my mum finally divorced my stepdad and he left the house but it was already too late for me. I have always been angry because I felt like everyone put up with the horrid things happening because I was there to take it all on my back, but when I left they decided they didn't want to deal with it anymore.
Okay, what about the friends? who scapegoated you and the whole school or class treated you less when you are all emotional, as a trauma response not rational, or felt loved! That narcissistic group of friends has their own ego self and they lack nothing in life, such as love, home, and parents! So why she or they would be jealous of me? To smear campaign and to isolate & betray me, she admits she isn't jealous as I can see they have everything in life which they need, the safety which we lack, which means I am the worthless one who got used, and disrespected? From family & friends, and it is our BPD grandiosity towards which doesn't let us to see behind the wall, is my grandiosity unreal & untrue about me, I am I really unworthy to all & to the society and as a human being and in schoolmates, as they feel superior from me and I never truly understood why they are considering me as dumb, they are pious and pray, so they are flower to god as well, then what I am, even my own mom treated me the same as the rest, it's all I blame myself and my Cushing syndrome which all of sudden I blamed at 8years old, Which no one is there to help me or give me treatment as I am 23years old now but I have been struggling and trying to figure it out since my teenage and I said to this controlling narcissistic family and relatives who are forcefully in my life to take advantage by scapegoating my covert narcissism mom, who still dismiss it and then say you are perfect, how hideous
Please make me understand
My family selected option 2. I finally realized I can only control how I react. Now that I’ve cut all contact with my mother and brother are on a mission to ruin my relationship with my son and grandson. The truth is they were going to do it if I didn’t cut contact by making me look bad at every family gathering. Now they can only talk about me not prod me until I respond in anger. My Mom is 85 and I hope to outlive her long enough to mend the relationship with my son and my family
Sorry you had to go through this. I totally understand your situation. It’s not you, they need a target. Most of the time it’s a gender thing or an age thing. That’s how they chose sometimes.
@@kryssiaqcreet8951 thank you! I am the oldest child. It has been me since I can remember. It felt like my Mom was jealous, so maybe a sex thing(she even slept with one of my boyfriends). I didn’t understand and kept trying to do better. The past 2 years I have learned and so stepped back. I can’t compete with my Mom and brother. I miss my son and his family but I had to get out her range - I’m much happier and have found a sense of peace.
I don’t know why they live so. phocking. long.
@@msdhinMTThat was exactly why I didn't want my mother around my child. And my mother definitely would have slept with one of my boyfriends if I hadn't cut her off years ago. Your story confirms what my instincts were telling me at the time. ❤
I am the scapegoat laughing from afar as they eat at each other, desperate not to take responsibility but instead to deflect. 😂😂😂
My family has been broken since I was a young child. Extremely abusive, toxic household. Parents divorced. I've always been the outsider, and the only reason I don't leave is because I can't financially. I hope one day I am able to because I will close that door, possibly to never reopen it. I've had 30 years of mistreatment from these people, and they have caused more harm than anyone else, and most importantly they don't care. They still do it. I don't wish harm on anyone but I don't really care about any of them besides my niece.
🙏🙏🙏
I am about to get 30 and see no escape due to financial and social issues too. But I am hopeful that I will improve myself spiritually and found way out to never return.
Did you contact the police about this stuff?
@@Cacowninja When I was growing up the police were at our house basically every week over domestic violence. Nothing happened. What am I going to tell them now that I'm an adult? My family is being mean to me? I'm doing my best to be able to get away and completely cut contact, that's about all I can do.
As the scapegoat I left and joined the military as soon as I could. Unfortunately my younger sister became the scapegoat. She says I abandoned her and now resents me. Our older sister keeps pushing a connection with narc mom…she wants it’s so badly. I can’t stand another minute of the drama
It's sadly ironic that the younger sister's response to being unfairly blamed for everything is to unfairly blame you for it.
@@wizardsuthIt can't be helped. The shitty parents are probably saying that he's the reason for them to abuse her.
Y'know... the classic narc behavior.
I was the scapegoat but left that toxic environment. Best move I ever made.
This is scary true in my life. Disconnected like 30-40 years ago with my whole family but my mother, but had a recent contact with two of my brothers and it was hell on earth. They immediately took up from where it was when I left that hell decades ago. It was unbelievable.
Trust me when i say this.. there is a big difference between family, and relatives... dont ever forget
Yu didn't disconnected from your mother? Is that what you mean
@@thepervertedmonk2353 difference? But are capable of much worse harm, both destroyed me!
It's a huge Catholic clan, but it's falling apart. It's pretty much the narcs on their own blowing smoke up each others' a$$es and talking sh*t about others, while hating and putting other people down, making fun of them
They're incredibly boring people, stirring up the most ridiculous stupid trauma. Other family members including myself got tired of them. As narcs are incredibly predictable closed-minded people- truly boring, after awhile you do heal and get almost completely indifferent toward them and going no contact frees up a lot of energy and space for yourself
Every Christmas I think how lucky I am I don't have to see their faces and those of my brothers in law 😂
It's the only way for me to have a silent and holly night.
You sound like you’re in no position to make judgments either. But here you are.
Its #2. I am always talked in my family because to them Im sh*t fot living on my own, not going to family gatherings anymore and not giving a f*ck with their lives. They resent me for not active on fb. Why would I? That platform is as toxic as them! Im living a great life on my own and Im not allowing my family to ruin it again. They ruined it before but NOT THIS TIME!!!!
Thank you! This just confirmed everything I needed to know. These people are NO longer going to piggyback on my expense. It’s costing me wayyy to much. I’m overweight, experiencing hair loss, tired - low energy , still living in my parents house, and I’m done.
They will try to suck you dry & try to destroy your happiness!! Get far away and do not let them know very much about you, your friends or associates.
I totally get how you feel. all of that is the physical manifestation of living/being raised in a HIGHLY TOXIC environment
Get out! You can do it!
@@msdhinMT it’s not as easy. I have no where to go. I’ve been applying for apartments for years with no answers. I’m hopeful I get a response soon.
The only way out is to get out. If you try to tell them something like "I'm tired of being treated this way and I deserve better", they'll do everything they can to squash that healthy instinct out of you. But, even if they'll never change, you still have the ultimate capacity to change yourself in spite of their destructive influence.
After watching this, I realize, that *I* am the scapegoat. But even before this, I have started making plans to move on, and away from my family, because I can see the writing on the wall of what is going to happen after my mother passes away. I have long had the impression that I was the blacksheep of the family.
In some families they call the scapegoat "glue", because he/ she/it keeps the family together by taking all the ish😮.
When the SC leaves, there is a period of chaos snd then they find another SC if possible.
In my divorced family of origin I was the scapegoat/persecutor with my mom and the rescuer/golden child/hero/parent with my dad. I was their only child so I had a number of roles, but I resonate a lot with scapegoat because my mom continues to treat me that way, even at 50. My husband was the golden child for his mother and his brother was the scapegoat until my husband left home (abandoned his mother) and now he is the scapegoat. Plus he is associated with me, and I entered his family of origin as their scapegoat. Crazy making! Your videos totally help illuminate and provide a conceptual framework that allows me to understand my situation better. Thanks so much!
your mom cannot treat u this way if you dont have any contact with her. so STOP going to see her and STOP calling her and STOP taking her calls. tell her ONCE PLAINLY via TEXT that if she does not treat you with respect, you will NOT engage with her. then stay AWAY....dont go to any family dinners etc that she will be at, see your family members separately, and if they side with her, avoid them.
Scapegoat to everyone except my grandma who sees me as the golden child, my kid brother went no contact last year and this was his role, after my parents died, it just seemed everyone lost their minds, and because I have special needs, I was a target
This is bizarre. I was a scapegoat, but not for my family. I used to go to a community theatre run by an abusive man who blamed everything on me, even when other people admitted to the thing I was being blamed for. I left, and now others are starting to say that they're being blamed a lot more. It seems like my leaving has sort of "spread the wealth" as it were. He's always blamed others for his shortcomings, that's nothing new. Even while I was there, if I wasn't in the building at any given time he would blame someone else. But if I was there, I was always the problem. Made me question why he cast me in stuff if I did so much wrong. But this makes sense, it's to maintain status quo while coming off as nicer to everyone who wasn't me.
Okay, what about the friends? who scapegoated you and the whole school or class treated you less when you are all emotional, as a trauma response not rational, & not felt loved from love! That narcissistic group of friends has their own ego self and they lack nothing in life, such as love, home, and parents! So why she or they would be jealous of me? To smear campaign and to isolate & betray me, she admits she isn't jealous as I can see they have everything in life which they need, the safety which we lack, which means I am the worthless one who got used, and disrespected? From family & friends, and it is our BPD grandiosity towards which doesn't let us to see behind the wall, is my grandiosity unreal & untrue about me, I am I really unworthy to all & to the society and as a human being and in schoolmates, as they feel superior from me and I never truly understood why they are considering me as dumb, they are pious and pray, so they are flower to god as well, then what I am, even my own mom treated me the same as the rest, it's all I blame myself and my Cushing syndrome which all of sudden I developed at 8years old, Which no one is there to help me or give me treatment as I am 23years old now but I have been struggling and trying to figure it out since my teenage and I said to this controlling narcissistic family and relatives who are forcefully in my life to take advantage by scapegoating my covert narcissism mom, who still dismiss it and then say you are perfect, how hideous
Please make me understand
@@miss_8thwonder Idk how to make you understand when I dont even understand what you're saying?
@@blueturtle3623 I meant to ask, if parents do scapegoat out of blame, what could be snake friend's motive behind, "when a person gets scapegoat" ( in other's patterns scapegoating looks like: blame everything that goes wrong
In my pattern of getting scapegoated: I was always "disrespected, treated as worthless, and as someone who isn't respectable in their mind" among my cousins or backward religious guys or the guys who are born into money family with no good looks and my family & relatives are narcissists abusers as well, so I always felt like it is always my Cushing syndrome's fault which they treat me that way as a girl, In my mind with a trauma barrier as grandiose self that protects you from harm and further damage from the abusers , I felt they are less intelligent than me due to hyper independency due to trauma & attachment style in me or they felt jealous of me of my success and me" so they scapegoated me
But they don't have trauma or abuse and those snake narcissists ex friend most of them have safe home and loving
So what exactly is the truth, what is the reason behind for scapegoating if they aren't jealous of me when they already had self-esteem, which comes from a secure attachment
@@miss_8thwonder I have no idea. I think that would be a good thing to bring up in therapy, though.
@@blueturtle3623 once you are a scapegoat at home, you will be a scapegoat to the outside world too as you can not see your own pain and turmoil you are going through, a guy commented the same, he got scapegoated by his friends and everyone treated him the same! I just wanted to find out, the reason behind scapegoating
Yeah, they blamed me from afar.
I bet someone else is paying... they need a trash can near them so, no matter how bad they talk about you, they still need someone handy to lash out at them. They have anger issues so, be glad you are away and some enabler is tasting what they gave you.
A far away scapegoat can't cover all their needs.
Great post, Nick. I wonder sometimes what my mom and The Sisters will do when I go no contact.
It's gonna take some time, but I see the end in sight.
I'm at the point where I don't care what they do or say.
Like a fool, I kept returning to the "Empty Well" magically thinking there had to be some shred of love or compassion because we are a family.
My youngest daughter opened my eyes one day when she said, "Mom, they are not very nice people. You need to get away from them!"
She's right! On both counts!
They are having their own dramas and fights even if you don't know about them: they are addicted to drama and swearing about you won't be enough for them to go own after a while. They will turn on each other.
@@Lyrielonwind
Thank you; narcissist personality disordered individuals turn everyday interactions into major battles because they view every situation as "a Struggle for Supremacy"
It's exhausting and never worth it.
I don't argue anymore -- if they start calling names or accusing me of doing things I didn't do, I walk away.
@@bearosophy ,
I'm in my early 70s, I don't need to prove anything to anyone.
Walk away NOW! Don’t wait! I waited too long and it cost me years of counseling. I totally went no contact from everyone in my extended family several years ago and I have never felt freer! I still have nightmares and memories that resurface at inopportune times. I do miss 2 of my sisters, out of 7 siblings, but I don’t want to hear about the rest of my extended family which I would have to if I was in contact with them. Also I don’t want my family knowing my business, the last few years have been rough health wise for my family and I just don’t want to hear their comments!
One of the benefits of no contact is that I can laugh again! I find the joy in life again! I have learned to not let anyone get me down or put me down. It’s so easy to just walk away!
I hope things go well for you and that you find the happiness and joy you and your family deserve! 💚💚💚
Over the last 15years,i learned the differences between family and relatives..
"These patterns started long before the scapegoat arrived."
Yes...yes they did.
I was a scapegoat in a workplace. I'm pretty sure to this day they blame things not working or go missing because of me when I haven't worked there in 5 years!
All my life I was compared to the grandmother who took her life. At the same time I was told over and over by my mother that she didn’t want to live because life was so hard. It took a long time to realize why I tried to commit suicide at seventeen and was labeled the crazy one who would commit suicide. At sixty it is much easier to see through the dialogue. My mother is now one hundred and one. She suffers from severe osteoarthritis. I think karma is keeping her one earth but I feel sorry for her. I see now that perhaps she didn’t know why she was doing this as a parent. She was unhappy. She still takes pains to let me understand that I am the least successful of her children but it doesn’t bother me a great deal. Time heals everything.
I was labeled as soon as I was born as the one who was as crazy as my aunt, my narcissistic mother's only sister. They made her life miserable.
Don't feel sorry for your mother or do feel sorry but never responsible; they know what they do.
They need to point an "identified patient" and they do what is called "character assesination".
They are mentioned in the bible as pharisees and Canaanites.
Me too. My codependent mother's nuclear family (including her brother's wife who is from other family) always compare me to my mother's sister who committed suicide. Even my father's overextend family couldn't help but compare me to a ghost.
No one ever met her. She killed herself long before any of her sibling married. She was kept "well buried". No one ever mentioned her until it came to me comparing with her.
When I mentioned that she was being torcherd by them, they married her off at very little age to first man(and extremely poor as my mother mentioned to defend him too) they found, my codependent mother and her own codependent mother even started blaming that poor dead girl who never had chance to grew up. They called her crazy, bjtch, psycho and whatnot. They even put all of the blame on that only innocent child in their family. And still they feel no shame to compare me her.
I was #2. Firstborn, first to be blamed. Of course, it was the parental alcohol addiction which was to blame. I moved 1500 miles away, got a LOT of therapy, eventually forgave everyone but stayed away from my toxic family for self-preservation. God bless anyone who’s “been there done that.” 🙏🏻
I m the scapegoat of my family.. They are narcissists..
Keep studying up on the subject. It'll pay big dividends and you'll be amazed at what you find out about yourself.
Being the Scapegoat definitely sucks. I clean up and take responsibility for messes that aren’t mine, even in my everyday life. I’m not sure if a therapist or a friend pointed this out, and I responded, “I just don’t know how to deal with things if it isn’t my fault.” But in doing this I allow others to escape accountability and I blame myself for things outside of my control. Still healing.
Okay, what about the friends? who scapegoated you and the whole school or class treated you less when you are all emotional, as a trauma response not rational, or felt loved! That narcissistic group of friends has their own ego self and they lack nothing in life, such as love, home, and parents! So why she or they would be jealous of me? To smear campaign and to isolate & betray me, she admits she isn't jealous as I can see they have everything in life which they need, the safety which we lack, which means I am the worthless one who got used, and disrespected? From family & friends, and it is our BPD grandiosity towards which doesn't let us to see behind the wall, is my grandiosity unreal & untrue about me, I am I really unworthy to all & to the society and as a human being and in schoolmates, as they feel superior from me and I never truly understood why they are considering me as dumb, they are pious and pray, so they are flower to god as well, then what I am, even my own mom treated me the same as the rest, it's all I blame myself and my Cushing syndrome which all of sudden I blamed at 8years old, Which no one is there to help me or give me treatment as I am 23years old now but I have been struggling and trying to figure it out since my teenage and I said to this controlling narcissistic family and relatives who are forcefully in my life to take advantage by scapegoating my covert narcissism mom, who still dismiss it and then say you are perfect, how hideous
Please make me understand
Oh man I'm the scapegoat they still talk shit about even though I'm doing 1000% better than they ever thought I would.
After being switched from maybe the golden child, to the scapegoat role, I went no contact and now that my covert narcissist mother is deceased, oh boy, probate.😂 My younger sister thinks she’s my a** kicker. Anything I ever did, in her 30 year absence doesn’t exist, in contrast to her 4 years of presence. Everything including kicking in and changing the lock on the house I’m inheriting, because she felt she should inherit all. Total malignant narcissist.
Can’t wait for probate to end. We will no longer be kin, in life or death…
Continuing to blame the scapegoat from afar is only a temporary solution, and always devolves into one of the other two approaches eventually. That's because new conflicts and issues will arise, and if they've been gone long enough, it no longer makes enough sense (not that it ever made much sense but there's a level of presence that can be twisted into responsibility) to keep blaming them for events that happened totally unrelated to them. They stop getting the satisfaction out of using the scapegoat and must either pick a new one or bust apart.
My fiance was the scapegoat of his family, and it wasn't until he got out of the house and lived with me instead that this reality really set in for them. They attempted to keep blaming him, but with no further entanglement with them that they could use to place blame, eventually they wound up degrading into smaller units that blame each other. Their finances couldn't be blamed on him being a "drain" (actually the opposite, he was overpaying them for the worth of his room and board), their hording couldn't be blamed on his being a 'slob', their unhappiness couldn't be blamed on his staying in his room all the time, etc.
I believe it was GK Chesterton who said something to the effect that the scapegoat in a family begins by being argued *with* but ends by being argued *about*.
The scapegoat is like the abused partner in a marriage. When they escape and gain their freedom, then the abuser loses their focus and looks for someone else to target.
I'm speaking from experience. Meyers-Briggs INFJ here, who was the family's scapegoat until I just shut the door on all of them. They mean nothing to me and no longer exist in my world. 1Best decision I ever made in my life.
What part of YT did I just wonder into? This is like the most scary/depressing comment section I've read in a while. I'm really sorry to all the people that seem to be hated by the people who should care for them most.
People always tell me how bad my childhood must have been, whenever anything about it gets brought up, and, sure, I had to deal with some things, but nothing compared to what I'm reading in half this comment section. I'm grateful, that, even tho my family was entirely dysfunctional, everyone still actually loved everyone else.
When one of the parents is an abuser and the scapegoat is the only buffer, it feels like leaving would put the other parent in the line of fire.
Thank you Nick. I was the scapegoat in a large (8 kids). I turned my back on the narcissist 18 years ago.
During this time I've learned a lot and now I'm glad for being the sensitive one (empath) and feel special!
I wouldn't want to be them especially the narcissist!! I gave it to God since no one would listen to me and it is finally starting to turn around, thanks to my Jesus! One thing I learned about narcissists is that you HAVE to completely cut them off!
I needed to read your comment.
One sibling hates me, the other appears to think I’m like that one, and cut all contact.
I don’t mind closing the chapter on the hateful one, but I also have to close the chapter on other relationships that slander has damaged, which does sting.
I’ve reached out to the one who had always been kind to me, in hopes that our dad can see the one that cut us all off because of slander and lies in our family, before he dies.
@@salauerman7082I can relate…and I’m sorry. Both of my parents died a slow death over the last year and a half. The lies were rampant, and I had to reach a point where I no longer cared what my siblings thought of me. I’d lost not only them, but their children and grandchildren, all of whom I love dearly. It took reaching a point of acceptance for me to truly be okay with it all. You’re gonna be okay…
@@lisacellini3516 thank-you so much for your support!
It’s the support of strangers that gives me strength to persevere.
I did come to the conclusion that I need to do what works for me and the rest can have their funeral service for our dad/grandpa wherever they wish, without me. I will have one locally where people have gotten to know us a bit. They can come, if they see the public announcement, or if the one niece who speaks to me tells them.
Sounds familiar.
I'm glad you're doing better, but I don't know why you're thanking Jesus for it. He didn't turn your life around, you did. Christianity treats everyone as a scapegoat: when something bad happens it's your fault, but when good things happen you're supposed to thank Jesus for them. Give yourself some credit.
The scapegoat is the truth teller of the family. Also, the one that helps out the most and is then held responsible for everything that goes wrong in the family. My sister hasn't spoken to my mother in over 40 years. When my mother wrote her out of her will, I got blamed for influencing my mother to do it. I had nothing to do with it. If you hate someone and don't speak to them for over 40 years, why would you expect or even want to be in their will?
I found out a decade after leaving the country that my family was STILL talking shit about me. I was flabbergasted. I had rarely spoke to them since I'd left. What in the world did they even have to say?!? It was insane and really really sad. I never talked or thought about them at all. Lol
Oh The Accuracy! It's something about hearing The Truth you've known for so long and having it validated. Even if it's not validation from those who watched you suffer, it is still good to know that there are other people who have the EYES to SEE and the EARS to HEAR. Thank You.
No matter how much they smear you, some people will ask for you and I bet not all of them will believe them but best thing is you don't have to see it or hear about it.
My family is not abusive, but I'd like to send my full support to those who have to suffer from this kind of situation!
While I'm at it, you gave me some content for writing inspiration, thank you very much!
The number two (and one, and even three, to some extent) is portrayed in Encanto really well. I still can't get over how well this movie displays generational trauma as well as a bunch of other (toxic, but not only) family dynamics.
Wow, it's true, now that I realise
As a scapegoat in a family system with generational trauma, one of the smartest things I did was reach out to the scapegoat in the generation above mine (my uncle). He gave me the best advice: Run. If they will categorically never see you for all that you really are because they need to keep you in that role, YOU DON'T NEED THEM. Walk away, and be happy with yourself as the person you know you want to be. You don't want to get to the end of your life and regret always leaning into that role and constantly feeling put down and devalued. Run away (if it's the right decision for you). Don't worry what others will think of you for running. ANYONE would run from something that repeatedly keeps causing them grief and suffering.
I like being the scapegoat because you never have to go back.😂
I think I needed to hear this. Going No Contact is freeing. I'll never forget my real and true family putting my things out one night because they couldn't have their parties with my twins crying. I'm a house full of people no one would ask if I needed help. It rained that night and I lost all my things, including baby pictures. I was in my 20's. My sisters and I, raised by our father, were very close until my mother came around. She pitted us against one another and caused such a huge rift between us that we don't talk unless it's business. And since they leave me out, we don't talk. I'm the oldest. They go on vacations and do things often, without me. They invite me and pressure me to go, and when I do, it's hell. They spend the entire time picking me apart. "When are you getting married, going to gain weight, get a job, find a place...
If I don't, I'm talked about. She's never going to get married, find a job, get a place...
When my father died, seeing my nieces and nephews was like the I've bucket challenge. It hit me hard that I'd missed their whole, entire lives. They're close to adulthood and the last time I'd seen any of them, they were babies. That was hard. But I had my sense of self intact and not unraveling at the seams. My father was still the asshole to me but I'm over it.
I was the scapegoat as a kid, even got sent to the ymca, group home, foster homes, and a boot camp. It was awful. I feel lucky i was used to being sent away and was able to adapt quickly. Id cry myself to sleep the first night, hate life for about a lil while then just got used to it. As i got older my little brother got hooked on drugs after breaking his leg badly. Then he was the scapegoat. Honestly it broke my heart to see him treated this way. Part of me was happy i wasnt the black sheep anymore. But most of me eanted to stay the black sheep to protect him from it. If you're not used to it, it can kill you. And it did kill him. Love you ricky. Miss you
Comiserations.
This brings up some memories. I'm 31 now, but for years, I was treated like I was an idiot and lazy. My grandma and her SO (common law thing. I dunno) fought all the time, I always used to trry to get them to see sense. I was always disciplined for it. My sister was the favorite of the family. Despite the fact that she always, ALWAYS, did wrong. Drugs, alcohol. My grandma's SO stuck his head in the sand to try and avoid conflict. Meanwhile, hatred brewed. Nobody listened to me, and I was always blamed for stuff. There are some memories I try not to avoid, because they trigger PTSD, but I got in both of their faces (individually) at some point, getting violent. No charges. At the end of high school, I was convinced by a counselor, my youth pastor, and an online friend to leave. I had zero qualms about moving at 18. 2010. One year later, 2011. Shortly before Christmas. I learned it all burned down. Literally. Fire caused by drugs. Ever since that day, I've cut myself from my family almost entirely. My grandmother's dead, my mother's a thief and a disgrace, and with the exception of my older sister, I don't know any of my siblings hardly at all. Recently, I've considered looking into counselors to try and sort through my emotions somehow. Once in a while, I still lash out due to this stuff. Hence the counselor search.
They blame me for everything. Their shortcomings, their lack of success in life, their decision to have children, their poor habits, the way their parents treated them, the fact that they decided not to eat breakfast, if their bedroom is dirty, if their car needs gas, when they don't feel well. It's really bizarre to live this. What's stranger is that they just don't care. Regardless of where you are mentally etc. I've been through a lot aside from being the scapegoat. It all has been thrown back on me or used as a weapon against me as if I have done something wrong. There are times that I lock myself away and don't communicate but continue to be blamed. As someone who experiences...extremely low mood, anxiety, SI, etc. I don't need that. And they know. And they don't care. Just the other day a family member who took his own life was laid begrudgingly to rest and my family members in the area he is from continued using him as a scapegoat in his death! They stood before strangers, and pastors, and projected onto him even as he lay their rotten and lifeless. SMH. People are really sick. Really, really sick.
So true , my parents blame my younger son for his brothers death - so they seem to not want us - reminds me of cast the first stone story - my parents are nor perfect. Some bad karma just arrived to my brothers family - I feel like I am dead to them - but the weight is lifted - I always knew I was the scapegoat , the black sheep and their easy target - shame on them.
You are the white sheep 🐑
oh no. Don't tell me that I caused my family to fall apart when I left. That can't be possible. But then my family DID start to fall apart soon after I cut them off. I never heard of this before. Don't tell me that I was the buffer like you say. That makes me feel guilty. But I feel the guilt fading rapidly. This is a tremendous weight off my shoulders. Of course I'm shocked to think i did this, because my family was always so quick to inform me of how inconsequential and unimportant I am.
You feel guilty (most likely) because you were conditioned to be an emotional punching bag for someone else. You were also conditioned to think that taking 'care' of yourself is selfish and shameful; am I right?
This is how toxic families operate; they did the same thing to me.
My mom's emotions were all that mattered, but she didn't give two craps about anybody else's feelings.
Yup.@@vladimirofsvalbard9477
I was thrown into the streets by my abusive father when I was 15. After that they imploded, and I bet it was because they had no slave. I did all the housework, the cooking...I'm sure they turned on each other like a pack of dogs.
Amen, sir. It's crazy how decades can pass but mentalities stay stuck.
I was the scapegoat, I left as soon as I could, I knew it wasn’t my fault! And you are rCorrect, that family fell right apart
I was the family scape-goat my entire life until I moved out at 23; that was 6 years ago.
Since then, my parents and sister have almost completely fallen apart. If and when I go over, the dishes are no longer done, the house is a mess, and everyone's attitude is rather pathetic.
I was everyone's punching bag due to my mother (NPD) controlling the household illusions. Unbeknownst to me, my mother spent the first 20 years of my life building an image of 'me' to other people in the family.
I always wondered why I was treated like an idiot, disregarded, and told that I was clueless. I didn't even have to do anything for that to happen.
Now that the economy has taken a huge hit (and my wife, son, and I are doing rather well). The rest of my family now compounds those old sentiments to make it seem like I'm cheating everyone in order to continue living life. It's rather exhausting!
We went to a Halloween party recently 'without' my parents and the social atmosphere was exceptionally cold. It's a very strange thing watching your family fall apart when you finally choose not to be a punching bag anymore.
I have a friend who is such a lovely guy who had a family who treated him terribly. I won't go into it much but there was extreme financial abuse and they put his health in serious jeopardy many times throughout his life. He is doing so well since he cut all contact with his former family. He bought a house with his partner who gave him loads of support and she has a family who treated him like a son from nearly the first day they met him, so that new loving and respectful support network is there. He went zero contact with his family, married his partner and took on her family name. I am so proud of him.
In my family's case, they try to pretend that they're fine now that I'm gone, despite my brother spending less and less time there, my step-dad being drunk 24/7 when he's off shift and my mom snapping into horrible mood swings at every gathering. Moving out of my parent's house at 16 is the best thing I ever did for myself.
I left at 15 And my youngest sister became the scapegoat soon after though I was still scapegoated for many years. I lived 3 hours away from my mom and she called me and accused me of coming down to her house and stealing towels😂😂😂. Until this moment that has upset me all my life. Now I know why. Thank you
Same here! I was the scapegoat for 23 years.
When I moved out, my mother switched tactics to turn my sister into the scapegoat. Got her to sign student loans worth $144,000 for a degree that wouldn't be able to pay them back. I suspect that she plans on forcing my sister to live with her forever. I told her not to sign them. At the same time, my family has fallen apart since both of us are out of the house.
I had to try to forgive them for for years, and for things they didnt even feel the need to apologize for. And then after I do all that work, in silence, they turn around and come at me again. I had to go.
Its sad because I really will miss some of them.
But I have OCD and High Blood Pressure…I had to block them for my health.
This too sounds familiar.
I moved out of state and I’ve been gone for 20 years. My siblings got into their own muck. I thought it was funny, but it really wasn’t because they tore up their own families. My mom lead my father around by the nose. He rarely stood up to her and he truly needed to put her in her place a few times.
Being a scapegoat is an obvious thing to me after the fact. I was always the money drain on the family with my newly developing disabilities and mental health issues. Not parent's drug abuse and otherwise wasted money. When I finally left over a stupid argument with my mother, I continued to be the scapegoat for a few years until they seem to be self-destructing. Their relationship with my sisters seemed to be falling apart as well as their marriage. I was completely cut from my parents but at least my sisters seem to be supportive, even if we are pretty distanced. Healthiest decision I ever made was ignoring my mother's terrible excuses and pleading/guilting me into returning to a normal family. I know they are not going to be supportive and only want me back to make themselves feel better.
Okay, what about the friends? who scapegoated you and the whole school or class treated you less when you are all emotional, as a trauma response not rational, or felt loved! That narcissistic group of friends has their own ego self and they lack nothing in life, such as love, home, and parents! So why she or they would be jealous of me? To smear campaign and to isolate & betray me, she admits she isn't jealous as I can see they have everything in life which they need, the safety which we lack, which means I am the worthless one who got used, and disrespected? From family & friends, and it is our BPD grandiosity towards which doesn't let us to see behind the wall, is my grandiosity unreal & untrue about me, I am I really unworthy to all & to the society and as a human being and in schoolmates, as they feel superior from me and I never truly understood why they are considering me as dumb, they are pious and pray, so they are flower to god as well, then what I am, even my own mom treated me the same as the rest, it's all I blame myself and my Cushing syndrome which all of sudden I blamed at 8years old, Which no one is there to help me or give me treatment as I am 23years old now but I have been struggling and trying to figure it out since my teenage and I said to this controlling narcissistic family and relatives who are forcefully in my life to take advantage by scapegoating my covert narcissism mom, who still dismiss it and then say you are perfect, how hideous
Please make me understand
Mom was the scapegoat of her family, once my brother and I came of age and were no longer the only grandchildren, suddenly we were too much like our mom. We were being groomed to replace our mom as scapegoats. Mom saw this, and it was what finally got it through to her that her family was irredeemably abusive and she needed to stop letting it happen. (The amount of "Now that I am a mother with an adult daughter, I'm disgusted by my mom's actions. I could NEVER picture myself treating you that way for ANY reason!" I've gotten from her over the last few years is a lot.)
TELL THAT TRUTH!!!
I was the scapegoat, and believed my strength could hold the family together, but my Lord and Saviour had other plans for me; therefore, when my life plans changed my living arrangements many states away; and I could actually see the forest 🌳 for what it was…the (firm) family imploded. “Peace, be still.” Mark 4:39
If there's a way for them to see their own nature is by not having you around.
As scapegoats, we are not doing them any favour. If they have a chance to change and heal, they need to hit rock bottom and seek professional help.
We are out of the picture because they forced it so, let it be.
I wonder why the lord set you up in that family in the first place
@@oftin_wong I can’t say why, but this I do know - It’s good to be away. 😉
@@phabulous1614 yeh...me too
I left. I was abused since birth until I was 17. I was beaten up and mentally abused by my so called mother and big sister. After that it was mental abuse. I hope they rot in Hell. Horrible people. My advice, rescue yourself. Don't get use to abuse. You deserve more than those Satans give you.
My relationship with my mother exactly.
Took enlisting in the Army to get away from it.
My little sister was the scapegoat, and we both kept my parents at arm’s length as soon as we hit adulthood. Eventually my parents divorced because there was no one to shift the dysfunction on to.
As the family black sheep sect, it took two major deaths for the rest to realize we were the sane ones the whole time. Its weird, isn't it?
thank you. I remember feeling I had to stay connected to my dad and step mom, as I was so concerned for her... and for her children from her first marriage. she tried to stand up for me...and she was so kind and nice, when I left, the focus went to one of her children. There was some guilt, but also, I had to see that it wasn't my job to stay and that indeed she had to find her own way through this changed dynamic. Now I keep far away, but am usually able to figure out through family who the current scapegoat is....Also therapy is well worth the money to help a person recover. Though not reconnect! That was the best thing a therapist ever said to me "You don't have to ever go back if you don't want to!"
Sums that 🆙 so quickly and beautifully…
Thank you for this! I'm my family's scapegoat, and recently went full on no contact. Your words rang true 💯%! I went full on no contact, and they're still blaming me for all of their problems! I just found your channel, and am so glad I did! You most definitely have a new subscriber! 💖
No contact 35 years. Have a wonderful life. Free as a bird. Live in the present and look forward. Welcome to YOUR life Crow Feather.
@@goldcoastlady5377 Aaww... thanks so much for that! That show of support really means a lot, and reminds me of all of the awesome things I have to look forward to, now that my life is finally, at long last, MINE!!! Congratulations to you as well on your independence! I bet that having your freedom feels AMAZING!!! 💖🥳🎉
I'm glad we're not alone. Hey! I'm proud of all of you who made the choice to do what's best for you.🎉 ✨️
I'm the one who can never do anything right and i anyways ruin things and are lazy but yet im the only one getting random gifts..... so many gifts for being the worst person in the family.
Always rerun the gifts unopened. It’s a Trojan horse to your mental health.
When I left, my family closed ranks around the little prince and devoted themselves to spoiling him more. I was out, gone, good riddance; to be treated as a visitor to my own home in the future, which was fine with me.
As the former family scape goat I can tell you my experiences kind of line up a lot with number 3 with maybe a dash of the others. I left at 18 to join the Army, I knew I had a lot of issues and figured at the time the Army was the only thing that could get me right since my parents had convinced me I was practically a loser (they were low key right, if I hadn’t left I’m pretty sure I’d be dead). After my first year or so of being away my parents tried shifting focus to my only full blooded brother pretty much had an easy ride since my Mom met my step Dad, he did some pretty stupid shit that they practically brushed off like set a garbage fire in the middle of the road and uprooted a bunch of stop signs to give you an idea. After I left they tried to scrutinize him but he practically moved out at 16, my youngest half sister was their next target but she stood her ground and straight up called them out almost immediately. I think my sister was the only one to realize to do that although I have my suspicions that my parents acting the way they did towards me in public caused them to lose some friends.
After being away from 9 years I was forced to move back, it was my choice after I’d lost almost everything in my divorce and my career had ended. I remember after struggling to find a job for 6 months I’d finally found an over night security gig and had been there a week. I remember on one Sunday I’d stayed back a bit to talk with some of my supervisors, I wasn’t in trouble they just wanted to get to know me a bit, cool dues btw. Anyway I got home like an hour and a half later than they expected me and my step dad tried to grill me but I just laughed at him and egged him on a bit. He actually at one point told me “you need to be home on time from now on” and when I asked why he acted like he was going to take a swing at me, I remember instinctively grabbing a coffee cup and raising it to smash it over his fat, bald head and silently begging him to “fuck around and find out” but my Mom stopped him and asked me to go back to my camper. That was the last time he tried threatening violence but every time after that when he opened his mouth I would egg him on to try something!
My mom was the scapegoat for her own mom and sister. Seeing what they did to her fills me with anger and hatred towards them. Fortunately, the rest of her siblings saw that my aunt and grandma were abusive, and most of my aunts and uncles on mom's side are estranged from my grandparents, but not each other.
That's what makes it difficult about bringing people together and you become the next to be assigned the role. Happens in work situations, also.
It's like that one episode of family guy and meg realized that without her as the one to be bullied and mistreated, everything would fall apart and like how you said.. she ended up choosing to stay in that circumstance and allow the abuse.