Ep. 16 | 2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer
ฝัง
- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 28 ส.ค. 2024
- What do the 2 Bears get up to in the cave this week? First, Tom and Bert show off hats that they're not sure if they can sell or not, but if guys like them, we'll figure something out! Then we get on the subject of Tom's new found love for speaking Spanish on podcasts! Is it all a rouse? What's the ACTUAL reason? Bert has some ideas! Bert then tells us about his spiritual healer. They also discuss their love of 50 Cent and how incredibly funny he is. Bert then starts to make some interesting observations: he thinks Christina P is the mastermind behind all the Bert-shaming that's been going on for years! is it true? Let us know in the comments!
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I miss Toms opening jokes about Bert being racist. Like “Bert will you stop saying the N word”.
He doesn't need to, Bert finished this one strong with no help
Best opening to a podcast I've ever heard! 😂. One of my best friends loves the show as well and hadn't seen it yet I was like wait til you hear the newest one and he text me and was like brooooo 😂😂
Had to pause at that moment just to cry with laughter, it was absolute gold 😭😭
Bert I just wanted to say thank you. I’ve have felt with anxiety my entire life and I herd you talking about your struggles with OCD, and everything you go through. I started thinking about the similarities to my own situation. Because of you I talked to my doctor about and we found a treatment that she thought might help and it has changed my life COMPLETELY. Because of you Bert, for the first time in my life I feel safe in my own mind. You have truly changed my life!
Bert: "Why did your mom and dad escape Peru?"
"Uh, they didn't escape my dad got a job in Venezuela" 😂😂
he said *Minnesota I think I would check but I don't have time I gotta save my sister she went down in the mountain ok bye i gotta save my sister bye
@@ppaulisdeadd2710 definitely said Venezuela
How many South American countries could Bert find on a map?
Bert: there's Mexico.
😁♥️
That was fucking hilarious 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Tom: talks about a horrific terrorist attack
Bert: Did you ever hook up with any girls in Peru?
He was too excited about the question to pay attention to Tom.
@@dailysmoke1687 Are you twelve and speaking from experience?
LMFAO
This has quickly become a go to podcast for me.
Swirly Kalen aye
I stopped watching ymh because imo Bert is a way better target than Christine.
I wish they put out more 2 Bears 1 Cave man Tom and Bert go together like the peanut butter an jelly perfectly distributed into a snickers uncrustable.
Honestly these two beer disappoint
Absolutely agree they always make me laugh
Bert: I’m not racist
Also Bert: He looks like a normal person
He sure does 👌🏻
56:00
Also Bert, before we knew Costa Rican people could be black
Bert: I'm not racist
Also Bert: He probably missed out on selling rugs or jewelry or whatever.
@@allisonzed lol! He owns hotels! gonna still be rich after bert mc hammers all his kids college money away! what a fat racist dirtmouth!
Bert looks like a guy who dodged being on “To Catch a Predator” simply for getting lost trying to follow Apple Maps directions to the house
LMAO when Tom called up his cousin to ask about Latinx, LMAOOOO
Breaking news, the guy that thinks swimming in a pool counts as a shower has bad teeth.
Well he also thinks that eating peppermints count as brushing your teeth.
He started boycotting brushing teeth when Quip dropped him as a sponsor.
Plus, you dont need to brush your teeth when you just take them out because theyre all fake
Well he has no real teeth to begin with so its neither here nor there
And believes in using mediums and seances. What a clown Bert has become.
@@leohong5845 many are fake because they got knocked out young. so he uses soap because he doesn't like toothpaste And "doesn't need it" . it comes up in the sober October recap
Tom looks like he would have a car with a garbage bag covering a window
98 grand am with a doughnut spare and I bumping system that still skips if you cross railroad tracks to fast.
Dammit I really need to replace my fucking window
@@e7725 yeah that would suck. Looking like a bag of dicks.
A Lamborghini with a bagged window
in 5 years hipsters will ironically put bags over their non broken windows.
Bert "I'll tell you off air" Kreischer
Bert: “The house was owned by a prominent Jewish couple.”
Tom: “Ughh...”
Bert Kosher
@@SufferWithPride nobody acknowledged this comment and that's sad it was quality.
Toms bent ear is really looseining my jeans.
Sames
It's better than when people put their ear inside of the hat. That shit really bothers me for some reason.
Guinea's hats too fucking big for is already big ass face
cuff jeans on that try
@@TheXquizid piss on me beat me. Try it out. Home here now.👖
Tom looks like newly divorced suburban dad, who's wearing his Wigga son's clothes
You just mad jealous cuz he about that suwu life you bitch ass nigga
I guarantee he hired someone to curate his outfits.
@@westcoastfire2061 Nigga please!!!...Tom ain't work no wreck
Lmfao
If yall wanna talk shit on tom he's home here now
Tom’s kid sounds like Chris D’Elia
S'spanish
😂
This aged well...
🤣🤣🤣 perfect
so all the serial killer parts of tom are being genetically expressed in his son?
Exactly. They think it sounds cute, but their raising a functional sociopath.
Tom's serial killer half + half Hungarian. Kid's gonna be burying people in their backyard when he's a teenager.
@@brandonboykin9228 dude, I was joking. All kids are kind of psychotic. They literally have a developmental phase nicknamed the "me" phase
@@johnnycashew9101 No you are right. Its natural psychology and is a very normal phase. Its how causally they act about it tho This kid will always be more privileged than the average child. No need to entitled about it. It was a good story, just Hopefully he privately took a moment to do a little parenting that's all.
Bert "I'm gonna burn 'em in the backyard" Kreischer 🤣🤣
I was picturing step Brothers when they were trying scare people from buying their house.
Matt Cole Comedy His whole life must be that feeling 2 seconds after he says something that he instantly regrets. Just knowing how we like to take him out of context as it is.
Bert would be 6 years late on the 50 cent Mayweather beef
Fkking 2014 haha, were does he actually read this as ‘news’
Yeah he really keeps up on the current events..
I was like there's no way he's bringing that shit up lmao
Bringing up something related to the ice bucket challenge in 2020 as if it's hot news 😂
He's from Florida what do you expect lmao
“She was younger than me and she still is “
chente diaz I was just thinking about when he said that laughed, then seen this 2 seconds after 😂😂
@@pubgpickle8761 lmfao
"I've definitely had issues with trust" - Bert talking to a scam artist getting money from him
Wow man we just watched an ice bucket challenge from 6 years ago. Let’s never let Bert suggest videos to watch again.
“20 shades Lighter” The Sammy Sosa story.
N
Netflix original
Exec producer: Tom segura
@@Doorito_ "Fifty Shades of Sosa"
“What if I told you”
the two bears hats look like something from a mall kiosk that also sells those light up tshirts
Hannah Barker they’re full-on dad hats lol
You look like the girl that works the kiosk.
@@hoodiestimbs2783 lol
Hannah Barker 😏😋
Tom:I can't stop looking at your nose hair
Bert: oh my eye hair
Tom: no your nose hair
Bert: look at my eye hair
quality podcasting right there
Glad they decided to not do 5 minutes of ad reads to start the show off like the last couple.
Just skip through it..
I sooooo agree. I was going to see if someone put a timestamp on when the show actually started and was presently surprised.
7PurpleElephants bro dont act like if you were in their positions you wouldnt be runnin ads and gettin that money boi! So shut up and getcha guap up 💸
I hate ads typically but at least you know where the ad money goes here I just wish they'd timestamp it. I like pre ads rather than midshow ones those usually derail the momentum.
TH-cam showed them the how many of us skip it lol
It’s got to be at least 90% skip it
When Bert talks and laughs he sounds like a faucet turning on and off.
I have never laughed so hard in my entire life than when Bert said “me llama alberto... la machina” 🤣
“and she cleared that out for another $150 and we’re good..” 😂
“Unrefined Coca Cola” that killed me😂
2nd best moment on 2bears after the dance video
“50 cent would love us” bert thinks that about everyone lmao
Devin McNulty he might like tom, no chance he’s a fan of bert hahaha
He is really obsessed with what (famous) people would think of him. He's so insecure it makes me cringe. Lady Gaga, Taylor Swift, Katy Perry, 50 cent, Jerry Seinfeld, etc etc
@@ghoulsarefree Ya..and it's always the worse celebrities he wonders about, too. The MTV / NBC mainstream dull type celebrities.
i don't know how you can just do the audio of this show. the looks that Tom gives Bert, and just everything else, priceless.
Bert: Wow, Sammy Sosa is batshit now.
Also Bert: Yo I had a spiritual healer come do a seance and cure my future cancer for 150 bucks.
Okay, buddy.
At least 450 if you add it all up
Which might be cheap for a bit... I cant pretend i understand what brat Chiseler needs
“It’s a $150 to clear the energy” like that’s even a real sentence
He's a dummy
Plus an extra $150 to clear out the prostate cancer he was supposed to get in the future
Bruce Gillett and one more 150$ to remove a future cancer? Bert if you want to throw money away send it my way!
Shit if i had the money and a “professional” told me I was going to get cancer and she could “get rid of it”, I’m paying that fuckin money with a tip.
I realized how much Tom loves Bert when he didn't rip him to shreds for that story.
I bet Bruts Krishler least favorite bear is the black bear...
Oh he hates them!
@John Malkovich polar bears?
@John Malkovich koala bear?
John Malkovich Bears, beets, Battlestar Galactica.
TheeDrtyGhttoKid last week I was in a drug store
"so we gon let you read Cat in the Hat" 😂😂😂
The best part about this podcast is when they're both laughing and explaining something in their high pitched voices. It kills me every time I can't get enough of them
Tom looks like a recently divorced dad who was court ordered to attend rehab. He ceaned up and now works as the head counselor.
David A. This is the one
really weirdly specific and not at all true.
@@cornjobb Boy o boy, arnt you just a bundle of joy? Why are you even here? Move on with your loose ass jeans.
Tom: "Im gonna go down there" (to Peru)
Bert: "To do spanish?"
Tom: I’m going to Peru this year
Bert: To do Spanish?
LMAOOO
Best part is Tom's face when bert starts giving too much info
They added Nadivs laugh to the intro....yasss
This podcast is an absolute blessing!!
Christina’s teeth bullying made me so self conscious, I bought braces. And I’m just a podcast listener.
and yet she seems to only share tiktoks with shitty teeth. drives me crazy.. Bert's onto something with push being the crazy instigator.
ScAnDeLeZ where’d you buy your small ones?
“Yo no tambien”😂😂😂 Gordo Bert is bilingual like Tom
Boom son
I think Ari paid this spiritual healer to make Bert forgive him. 🤨
I don't he cares that much.
You know you're drunk listening to a podcast when you are both watching it and solely listening to it at the same time
We need “Gendral Neutrid” merch!!
Stock it right next to the “Jewid Flender” shirt
3:43
I love how like 30 seconds later he says “Gendral Neutral” both times on accident because it’s so fucking absurd, people’s brain literally fuck up when trying to conform to nonsense hahahaha
Tom Segura's cousin is the MVP of this episode! 😂
Tom's "cooooocaaaaacoooolllllaaaaa" voice had Me dyin
The amount of joy I get from seeing a new episode of two bears one cave is fucking ridiculous
I could listen to these two TikToks all day
Bert: “there’s a producer that owes 50 some money”
Tom: “Who Young Buck”
It was the other way around though
You sho is right. That shit had me dying tho
Fixed lol
One bear has been hitting the trash can pretty hard outside of the Wendy’s 🤷♀️
They should really use the back TV to pull up clips and pictures when they talk about them
my *favorite* thing is when tom talks about his kids
Lol god damnit I hope they never stop doing this podcast.
Bert, bert bert. Spiritual healers? I did not know this man’s stupidity was that severe lmao. He got sold on it so fast with vague answers hahaha, lovable dude
Spiritual healers run in circles with extra money floating around. Its much sadder when they prey on people that don't have extra money.
Nothing feels more pleasing to the ear than when they both stop squealing/laughing and go back to normal deep voice.
One day you guys will realize there's a TV on the wall next to you and that the images/videos you cut to can be shown on this TV, with you two still in frame.
(Bert, The TV with the Two Bears One Cave image to YOUR right).
That is actually a painting.
hell yes
I very much love the "Type 2 Diabetes" advertisements that frequently appear under these vids.
This show brings me so much joy by comparison that I don't have your lives. Thanks for sharing.
At episode 100 its rumored that the two bears will touch tips. 🙏
Uncle Terry style
You cannot stop this inevitablity....
not these two homophobes
I heard Brent is so racist that he even hates others whites...
This is literally the best podcast channel ever.
Glad I took one year of Spanish in high school 👌🏻 glad I can understand Burt.
Weekly uploads were not enough, so now I'm traveling back in time to watch more 2 Bears. Thanks for all the laughs, hope I get to catch your shows sometime soon
When Tom and Bert laugh, they morph into one.
The best part is when Tom realizes Bert is lady Gaga😂🤣😂🤣😂
This was so much better with no commercials. Thank you guys so much
Hey Tim and Brandt,
Love the show. My favorite segment is when you guys are scrolling through your phones and showing each other pictures. You guys should do only that from now on.
I am Tom’s left ear
-Tyler Durden
Tristan Roux this made me crack the fuck up
The Steaming hot tea kettle thats coming out of your mouths when you laugh...priceless
Guys we need this weekly. Loving podcast the past 4 years and this one is my favorite, even above ymh main
Bert held his dad's hand when walking until he was 23.
They mouth kiss when they say goodbye
So did Theo Von, but for different reasons.
Thought that said wanking for a second!
No way!? Where did you hear this? Haha
Thank you for making this a great Monday!
Dr. Drew has said Christina is a psychopath. And I can see it 🤣🤣
According to her shes not and also better at everything then tom.. and the least disgusting.. oh and she thinks shes funny to?
She might have some issues . . . just makes her funnier
The hats and the cuban link are hilarious af
My God! These 2 Bears episodes are getting so so much better!!!!! In this episode a little bit of Tom Segura En Español... I want more, much much more.
I'm guessing recorded pre sober October recap, the whole teeth thing right
Good call.. Must be, I was totally confused by Tom's reaction to the teeth, considering how they covered it on Rogan..
I scrolled through to see if anyone beat me to this statement before I posted
Yes
Was thinking the same thing I was like Bert just talked about it on rogan did Tom forget already lol
That’s the only way it makes sense. What doesn’t make sense to me, is why has Brett been hiding this teeth story for so long? 🧐
The hat pushing toms ears out is driving me crazy
The intro......yesssssssssss
haha i lost it when they both started laughing high pitched at the same time
IS IT THOOOOOOOOOOOO
Didn't Floyd clap back at 50 telling him that he would do the same if 50s son told him he loved him.
Yeah, but how is he like 5-6 years late on this is what i wanna know lol
Please Please Please record your Peru trip with Bert! That will be GOLD!
Tom & Bert look great in this ep! Bert especially looks...like he’s not dying. 😂
Pleeeease record Tom getting a spiritual healing!!!!
Been waiting on the new one and it's finally here let's go!!!
Tom...Ellis understands "sarcasm". That's the word that you were looking for. I love that you're sooo sarcastic that you don't even know that it's a learned trait.
I’m never gonna be able to listen to “Disgraceful” the same again.
Aiden Saroka I’ll be listening out for every sniff now, kinda wish I didn’t know. Although it is kinda fascinating
Tobias Robertson same here!
Duuude imagine being the guy who's got to painstakingly edit out hundreds of sniffs 😭
I could listen to their children stories all day
Yesssssssssss
Bert made it 17 minutes before kidnapping the conversation and yammering on about getting roofied by Ari, I think that's a new record.
#releasethemollycast .
Yaaaaaay!!!!! This is my absolute favorite podcast right now, love Tom and Bert together! I imagine a cartoon version of them with Tom leading Bert to his doom with a trail of uncrustables and Tito's 😂😂😂
When Tim says he screwed then dumped some chick before college, he surely means into a shallow grave.
Honestly the hats look bad but love you guys
I'm just here for the squeals 😂😂
Bert: "I.. I.. I.."
Bert, alternatively: "You.. you.. I.."
Tom's bent ear almost made this episode unwatchable.
😂
why did you have to say somthing OMG lol cant take my eyes off
David Adams why though? 😬
@@Ragnarok6664 only a complete psychopath wouldn't notice his ear being over for an hour.
Saw it, Im still ambivalent so I guess Im a psycho 🤣