Hey dude.... you aren’t alone in not feeling the need for condolences. When my biological father died we had been estranged for many many years. He was a bad person and I couldn’t bring myself to mourn his loss. But I did mourn the reality that I would never have the father I wished I had. It is rough and felt so weird - I didn’t grieve... but it still hit me harder than I expected in very unexpected ways. A lot of what you have said in this video hit so so so close to home.
My biological mother isn't dead yet, but I already mourned the fact that I never had and probably never would have a real mom. It was tough but also relieving to make that realization.
"The Misery Chick" episode from MTV's "Daria" comes to mind. The super-star NFL player who graduated from their highschool dies suddenly, but he was a class-A jerk to everyone there. Everyone is conflicted by his death except Daria, and Daria gets angry because people keep coming to her for advice and coping.
That is a very honest episode and dealt with something people deal with. When my step-grandfather died, I felt safe visiting my grandma. When I'd stay over before, I'd wake up to find him sitting in a chair leering at me. I started sleeping with a knife under my pillow.
Damn, I thought this was going to be about Hannah's dad because she was talking about it in the last chick tract. Jake, I hope you take it as another way of moving on and healing yourself. Glad you are feeling relief.
... Hi, Jake. My best friend took it upon herself to inform me of both of my parents' deaths, years ago. I was unaware of both deaths. For her own reasons, she could never understand why I was able to completely walk away from my family the first chance I got, back in the '70's, despite my detailed explanations over the years. FYI, I'll be 69 next month, and I still haven't mourned either of them. I, too, felt relieved when I found out they had passed.. What happened with "My Family" was not my fault ... *but how I handle that is definitely my responsibility.* All that has passed, and is now in The Past. I simply can not allow it to interfere with my Present ... which would tend to fuck up whatever Future I have left. Shit Happened. *Let It Be.* Let it drop away in memory, like a cursed ring flung into a midnight sea. And I agree 100% with you re: that perfect vacuum of not really feeling anything. I think that's why I'm so kind to, and considerate of people *whom I think are worth the effort.* Kindness and Consideration are not to be wasted. Our Non-Pain Pain never completely goes away, I suspect. But in my experience, it does lessen, and it reappears less and less often. That works just fine for me. *I very much hope that the same will go for you.*
@Darth Mizinth ... That means an awful lot to me. Thank *you.* The Pain of not being able to feel pain can be a brutal mirror trick. Just make sure to stay on your side of the mirror, and you'll be fine ;)
my grandmother died around the same age, and she was also so terrible to us. She made me cry multiple times, yelled at my siblings and I, called us every name in the book, and tried to kick my sister out because she (grandmother) thought sister was pregnant (she was doing that fake baby assignment). The day I found out she died, I just went back to watching my movie with my sister. and though I feel glad she's not in pain anymore, the death never effected me. How are you meant to love someone who only showed you disgust and scorn?
You're completely allowed to feel what you feel. Respect and love isn't owed, even for parents, you have to earn it. I hate it when abusive family members die and everyone talks about how deep down they were actually a good person.
@@stephaniewilson3955 it's also because they know are 'bad' people, and want the same level of forgiveness and validation for themselves. Never mind that when you're dead, you're dead, and you can't have feelings or anything...
Thank you for saying love and respect are earned, even for parents. I think people give family members a pass on bad behavior because they're blood. If you wouldn't put up with that kind of behavior from a friend or stranger, why are you enduring it because that person is family? Makes no sense.
@@stephaniewilson3955 EXACTLY. I had this same feeling toward my uncles and grandparents a few years ago when my mother started similar control freak crap she did with my sister as she had with me. I told them to their faces that I thought they were horrible for allowing it and horrible for not helping us because of some unsaid allegiance to my mother. I didn't talk to them for several years; but I was able to slightly amend that and talk to them sometimes. My mom on the other hand can OD on fentanyl as far as I am concerned
"My dad threatened to shoot my dogs..." You dont have to be a victim to be a victim, if that can make any sense. You were the victim of childhood domestic abuse. It doesn't have to be something you define yourself by or that you have to minimize, it's just the reality of the situation you were in.
@Brett Segmento threatening to destroy things of someone, threatening to hurt or murder pets to get something? someone who belittles for their own fun? s literally domestic abuse
When my folks died, I felt relieved. That is the word that I always use for it. I don't have to try to be nice to my Mom and Dad anymore while they shit all over me. I don't have to be part of a family that doesn't give me anything positive. Not all families are like those in Hallmark movies. Real life can be messy, and some people are not good at being parents. Hannah and others close to you are your family. Blood is not always thicker than water.
It's weird when someone you aren't emotionally close to, but are still related to dies. The condolences just feel empty, and then people expect you to be sad about what they perceive as a loss. It's fine that they had a good relationship, but there is just no way you can feel like that. I hope this allows you to move ahead with renewed vigor for life.
It was a weird set of feelings when my mom's mom died. How I remember her is so different than what everybody else seemed to think of her. I found myself thinking, "oh so she was only horrible to me. Cool.." What complicated it for me was that since she was so good with everyone else, I was expected to feel sad along with them. Her funeral was hard, because I knew my mom was hurting, and I wanted to sympathize, but I just couldn't. And i had to pretend that i could.
Yeah, I got that from my dad's dad. This person who I was literally terrified of, was getting framed as this kind Santa Claus figure by the rest of my family (especially my generation of cousins), and I'm just like.... was it just me? But no, it wasn't turns out. He scared everyone. It's just funerals make people pull out whatever fond memories they have of people, whatever hopes they might have had for improvement, the person at their best. And even though he was an angry judgmental violent man, he wasn't always. There were happy memories to mine if one were inclined. I wasn't. Everyone else was. Eventually I let that be okay, but it sure was a weird socially uncomfortable week while it was happening for sure, it felt lowkey like gaslighting.
@@jessielefey I think my situation is a little different then. My brother and sister both think the world of her and were surprised when I told them the kinds of "discipline" she used to use on me.
@@jessielefey I completely understand your situation. My grandmother who was a narcissist died 2 weeks ago and my uncle's family and her friends on Facebook are sending me messages about how devastated they are that she passed and how generous she was. I personally question if everyone around her was as superficial in their affection like she was or if I am going insane. The reality is that people play different roles with different people. When a person is manipulative, they did to act the way they think others want them to act. Those that are close to them, such as family, tend to hide their feelings in the fear that others might thing them petty or ungrateful.
@@jessielefey I don't think I will go to my mother's funeral. I don't know about either of my dads yet. They have both apologized and admitted where they were wrong, so I do harbor some forgiveness and have relationships with them. Not my mother. I don't think I will even go.
Totally get the validity of not mourning. Several years ago, a prominent member of my hometown died. He was a teacher in my middle school and high school. Everyone was talking about what a positive influence he was, and hie he impacted their future in a positive way. I won't dismiss their experiences. If they say he impacted them positively, I believe them. That was not my experience. I remember him being a bully who threw things across the room and screamed when students failed to meet his standard. I remember him bragging about beating his kids. So, no I wasn't sad he died.
@@Buttington_Headerson on Mother's Day last year I was in the flower shop buying roses for my wife when one of my executive clients (I work in a bank) came in. This dude is deeply self-important and we do not have a cordial relationship, but he felt the need to ask me if the flowers were for my wife or my mom. I responded with some vitriol that "my mom had done enough to me" and had no small satisfaction in seeing the confusion and shock spread over his rich, boomer face. Love and respect are made and earned, not owned or bought. It was nice to not be the deeply awkward and embarrassed person in the room for once!
This makes me grateful for the relationship I had with my mother. She passed yesterday. It was sudden but not unexpected. I'm grateful I saw her this weekend. And I'm grateful that I am as sad about it as I am, which might seem weird, but I'm glad we had a good relationship.
I've been almost a year now since I decided that I will not actively pursue engagement with my immediate family. I haven't had a row with anyone, just made the decision after a visit. I just realized how uncomfortable I felt around all these people, and, importantly, I realized *how little* they care about my discomfort. It comes down to: I don't feel like myself in your presence. Now I have a teenage son and I'm worried that I'm being the sort of parent that my parents were; in other words, I'm terrified of driving him away like that. I worry that I'm modeling bad behavior even though in this case it's justified
@@stephaniewilson3955 That's not how it works. Abusive partners also care about their significant other. Healthy relationships need work and when you have children you can't rely on the other person just pointing out what you are doing wrong like it happens in most adult relationships. It's a good thing to worry on whether you are a good parent ot not. And correct when you find that you are doing something wrong.
The main thing is that you obviously do care about your son and you care about how your son feels. From what you described, that's not true of your parents. As long as your son knows that you care, not just about him, but about how he feels and that you want to try to accommodate and make things work out between you and your son (regardless of what the differences between the two of you are), it should be okay. At that point, it's about whether or not your son feels the same way about you - and that's not something you can control or change. From the tiny little snippet you shared here, I'm guessing that what happened between you and your parents won't repeat itself with you and your son. Most familial relationships struggle to continue despite all the difficulties and differences. My mother can be extremely selfish and self-absorbed, but every time she pushes me too far and we're on the verge of cutting each other off completely, she calms down after a couple weeks and... not quite apologizes, but she reaches out to me in little ways to show that she does still want me in her life. I think the hardest part about our relationship is that I didn't turn out the way she wanted me to and that I'm refusing to bend to what she wants for me. And as I've gotten older and more confident in who I am, it's become harder and harder for her to accept.
This video just makes me so sad. My dad isn’t perfect, but he did his absolute best to be a good and loving father. I’m so sorry that you didn’t really get that.
I lost my father when I was 23 years old (over 15 years ago now). He had been an alcoholic and my relationship with him deteriorated as I got older and he was less and less in my life. I was in college and the last conversation I had with him was how I hated him calling me to chat about the weather and people I didn't know about. I said that if he wanted any kind of relationship with me that he needed to get to know me as an adult and quit thinking of me as a child. He died of alcohol withdrawal in a halfway house half a country away from where I lived. Everything he owned fit into the back of his car and it only took me and my sister about an hour to go through it all and donate it to charity. In many ways I was relieved when he was gone. If nothing else, he provided an example of how I didn't want my own kids to grow up. I will say that no one can or should judge a child for their feelings or non-feelings about a parent's death.
I’m so happy to see these kinds of feelings being talked about more. I’ve been through similar shit and this kind of reaction to the death of someone who was a problem in your life is very common but it gets pretty much no discussion
Don't feel bad for the way you feel. It is very valid. My sperm donor was both physically and verbally abusive growing up. My egg donor was also verbally abusive. (The title of parents is something they did not earn.) I feel exactly the same way you do. I get it. When I reached adulthood I had to walk away and leave that poison behind me for good and I've never once regretted it. I do not know what either one of them are up to or even where they live and neither of them have any means to contact me. One or both could be dead for all I know and I honestly don't even care. I moved on. I found a new family and I am genuinely happy. The important thing is to be happy with the people who HAVE earned their titles and not worry about those who don't. Thank you for sharing Jake.
Don't feel bad Jake, bad ppl need to die so the rest of us can live better lives. I once worked w a guy who groped all the female employees, and management did nothing bc they were buds. He ended up dying in a car crash (bc he drove like a douche) and the only thing I felt was relief. No more women would have to deal w his roaming hands.
When it comes to death, you get to feel whatever’s going on in your head, even if it’s nothing. It’s healthier to be honest about it and it’s good that you’re clearly aware of why you feel the way you do.
For a very long time I felt really weird about how when my mother died, I moved past it so quickly that people offering me condolences was confusing and felt wrong, and I didn't understand why people did it even only a month or so afterward. My mother was manipulative and emotionally abusive, and I won't ever forgive her for that, so I guess I'm saying I know how weird and unusual that feels. I've stopped talking with my sister as well, because while she definitely suffered too, she is also a primary source of trauma for me, also manipulative and abusive. She took what she got and gave it to me too, and if I never see her again, I won't be sad. I only feel bad that this also means not seeing my nephews as a result.
My dad is in jail. He is a rly bad guy and hurt my siblings and I. Hes not dead, hes a bad guy, and I dont want him in my life. But iv mourned the loss of him in a way. Like some times I get sad because ill never see him again, witch is what I want, but I'm still sad about it... If that makes sences
This video made me cry. Not because it's necessarily sad, but because I think I finally was able to validate my own feelings toward my father. Thank you Jake. And I'm sorry you had to go through something like this.
My dad divorced my mom and was absent from my life from my early teen years onward. So when I got the news that he had died, it didn't really affect me. I didn't tell people about it, because I knew they would expect me to feel a certain way, which I just didn't. Even my current family which I am living with, while loving - has been so dysfunctional and emotionally negative, that I have learned to distance myself emotionally as an act of self-preservation. If people aren't willing to work on their own problems then it is self-harmful for you to feel empathy for them, I learned. It's like trying to save a drowning person, only for them to pull you under too. All that to say, I kind of understand what you're going through. We all have different families and sometimes we don't feel for them in the way society says we ought to.
what an important video! this is somewhat relatable for me. my amazing dad who died a long time ago had a horribly abusive mother (physically, mentally, all the things) who was in my life until i was old enough to realise what kind of person she was. she died last year and i felt absolutely nothing when i found out. i felt a little relieved that she would now never try to contact me again. but i never wished her any harm, i just didn't care about her.
Thank you for posting this video. I just lost my paternal grandmother two weeks ago and I am going through the same issue as you are. I honestly have been going to therapy because I feel a lot of guilt over not being upset that she has passed. She was not a terrible person; however, she was a narcissist who has been judgemental and demanding up until her final days. It is honestly a relief to me that she is no longer trying to manipulate or control others, but I also do not want to seem ungrateful for the times she financially supported me. It's a rough position to be in and I'm sorry that you are experiencing the same conflict.
relief at the death of someone close, even loved, is NORMAL. the pain is over for you or them or both of you. my dad was a good dad and i loved him, but he got dementia and was quite a handful to put it mildly. i was relieved when he died. i miss him and i grieved the loss, but it was such a relief to not deal with his illness anymore. you don't have to love your parents or siblings. you don't have to love your family. your feelings are VALID and NORMAL and OK.
I get it. I grew up seeing my grandma every day until I was 11 and then she called me every week from the time I was 13 to the time I was 17. Even took me in at 19. But the things she said through my life and the way she pushed views and openly attacked people she didn’t agree with...I didn’t care when she died. I wasn’t feeling nothing, exactly, but it was more like a feeling of peace and guilt that peace was my response to another human being’s death. I’m glad I was in therapy to have someone tell me it was perfectly valid to feel that way. I even had my first good Christmas in years. She died Christmas Eve that year.
My friends have often commented on how I didn’t do things as a teenager like they did and how painfully shy and scared of the slightest raised voice or loud noise I was. It was only coming to uni and opening up to my friends that made me realise how not normal my upbringing was. It’s coming up for 6 months without speaking to my mum and I’ve honestly never been in a better head space. Originally when I said it out loud I thought people were judging me and I was a terrible person but what I’ve realised is you need to do what makes you feel happy and safe. Jake I’m sending love your way regardless, never feel sad or bad for feeling your feelings everyone processes everything and every situation differently ❤️
When you were talking about supporting your kids hobbies and interests, whatever they are it reminded me of my dad. When I was younger I wanted to be like my dad, he was a programmer, so I wanted to be a programmer. He liked astronomy so I wanted to like astronomy. He used to be a pilot, so I wanted to be a pilot. But every single one of those things he did his very best to ruin for me. Not that that was his intention. I know he was thrilled to have me interested in what he was interested in. For astronomy, he took me to late night astronomy talks that were the driest shit ever, because they were for adults and I was like 8. For aviation, he was very encouraging of my study of it, was thrilled when I took a high school aerodynamics course, but kept pushing me to get a private pilot's license even though I had too much anxiety to get a driver's license. (I didn't finally get a dl until I was 19, which, because some backwater legality, he had been pushing me to get since I was 14.) The first real programming course I ever had was the tail end of my junior year of high school, and it was an after school club. For some context, This also happened right around the time that my mother and I moved into a women's shelter to get away from my father. So, y'know, my father was very excited I was doing programming, and decided to audit the class. Basically just show up, and make sure the teacher was teaching good. Then my mom and I moved out. She told my school not to let my dad pick me up (on my behalf, I have anxiety and probably wouldn't have been able to kick up a fuss and make my way home to the shelter if he ever tried to take me back to his house.) But the after school class was at a different school, and we didn't want to make a fuss. It was an after school program, so there was maybe 1 real teacher there, not the guy teaching the class, and well, "my dad's not really that bad, is he?" And "do you really want to cut him completely out of your life?" So we let him keep coming to class, and it made me miserable. I kept worrying he might bring up the fact we left, or he might offer to drive me to where we were staying, which if you've never been in an abuse shelter, is a big fat fucking no-no, you don't tell the fucker you're running from where you are. And eventually I just stopped going to the class. So my shitty ass dad couldn't have tried harder to pressure me out of our shared interests if he wanted to. I still love the stars, but I dont know if I will ever formally study astronomy because of what he did. I still am fascinated by computer science and what you can do with it, but I don't know if i will ever be able to actually learn any programming. And i love aviation still, but I'm pretty sure I will now never learn how to fly a plane. So TLDR: my shit dad tried way too hard to be invested in our shared interests, and ended up ruining them for me.
"You know what it's like? It's like that show "Becker," you know, with Ted Danson? I watched the entire run of that show, hoping that it would get better, and it never did. It had all the right pieces, but it just... It couldn't put them together. And when it got cancelled, I was really bummed out, not because I liked the show, but because I knew it could be so much better, and now it never would be. And that's what losing a parent is like. It's like "Becker." Suddenly, you realize you'll never have the good relationship you wanted, and as long as they were alive, even though you'd never admit it, part of you - the stupidest goddamn part of you - was still holding on to that chance. And you didn't even realize it until that chance went away." -Bojack Horseman
I was in a foster family from 1-13. For some reason at 13 I was moved to a different foster home, never figured out why but 6 months ago the man that raised me from 1-13 died and I was relieved. Finally I could stop faking allegiance to that family. They were abusive mentally, emotionally, and physically. Everyone in the family treated me different and it was all fake love. On the day of his funeral I did not attend and deleted every last one of them from my social media. Ill never forget giftless Christmases every year, holey clothes, worn down shoes, and having a knife held to my chest while being threatened to cut the candy out of me that I did not take. I was relieved when he died because I could finally stop faking besides, they put me into another foster home with no explaination, I should have cut them off then.
With someone with a conservative father that's not quite as domestically abusive as yours sounded, this kind of video helps with conceptualizing of how I'll deal with it when mine passes, thank you for uploading this
Mario mario yup because their beliefs have supported those who have led to people dying but because it’s not a direct 1:1 you don’t care, whoops looks like we’ve spotted who’s the problem here
@@ryansvideos100 no I dont base my love of family and friends and dont revel in someone's death over a fucking political belief you idiot. Grow the hell up
Mario mario so political beliefs don’t just exist in a vacuum where they can’t hurt anyone. They inform your worldview. If your political beliefs, for instance, contribute to high death rates in certain communities or create a harmful stigma, that’s not good. That’s especially not good when you are family or friends with individuals who are part of those communities. It makes complete sense to cut someone out of your life if their views are cruel and harmful. You don’t have to mourn someone if their political views we’re in favor of policies that harmed you or others.
I'm transgender. my dad gladly votes away my rights every time. He does not care he is hurting me. Then he turns around and complains that I rarely can get and maintain a job, because I keep getting fired for being trans, which is pretty much exactly what he voted for. Never feel bad for disliking family members that are politically at odds with you.
Hey Jake! Thank you so much for sharing this video and your honest feelings. My dad died ten years ago and we were not on good terms and it was a very strange emotional experience. The best advice I got was from my brother "Whatever you feel is right." Because I was caught up in what you're supposed to feel. His death meant the end of nightmares about him popping up in my life, but also the end of a chance at closure. I was devastated and relieved at the same time. Its a weird place to be. Thank you again and we love you!
My mom was garbage. I would have NO sadness or regrets if she were to pass. And I'm so ok and healthy with the situation. I am pleasant with her for the sake of my grown kids. That's all. No love. You're valid, Jake.
Complicated relationships with parents often end this way. There's no need to feel guilt or sadness when someone was essentially not involved in your life already...
When you say you felt relieved, I related deeply. My abusive dad is still alive but he is old and has health issues due to his alcoholism and poor diet choices. When I think of him likely dying before I have my own children I too feel relieved, not in a malicious way, but just the lack of his presence and knowing he won’t hurt anyone I care about would be so liberating.
Wow. This was really intense. It honestly put into words some things I've felt...probably my whole life, and certainly since I've more come to terms with my own abuse. Thank you for sharing something this deeply personal.
I sometimes think when people mourn the passing of an awful person, its that they are mourning what the relationship could have and should have been, not who the person was. Others do that before they are gone, and maybe that is why you feel the way you do Jake, and why it is ok that you are not upset with your dad's passing, you already did the emotional work.
I'm tearing up about this..."he took from me any chance I had to be sad about it" Damn...that is sad, and something I've never pondered before. Hugs, Jake. Not hugs because he's dead, but hugs that he was such a negative force in your life. Thanks for sharing.
I’ve been watching your old videos and. I didn’t realize this was new for a sec. I always have a hard time feeling normal grief feelings over someone’s death. I think it’s especially hard when it’s someone you’re not close to. There’s so much pressure to cry and act sad.
My dad was very similar, he was a black whole of rage all the time, almost never connected to me untill i was over 25 years old, i used to be scared of him all the time, however now i understand some of his pain when i think he had 5 children and had to provide for them all in a middle eastern country, he was pretty generous with money, and he was very very hard working guy
Thank you so much. Your father sounds like my stepfather, and I had very similar feelings when he finally died. I felt like a monster, because my mom and brother are still hurting, and seeing everyone at his funeral talk about how great he was when all I could remember was the threats and emotional abuse and manipulation was terrible
Wow, I can identify so much with this and I'm so grateful you've shared this, thank you! My dad was a horrible person, he died back in 2005, and I felt a brief sense of relief followed by nothing but perfectly normal day to day things as life progressed as usual. I feel less weird about that now.
Thank you for this honesty. When my dad died I didn't feel anything and when my awful grandmother dies, I won't care. They are basically strangers we are embarrassed to be related to. The only thing to grieve is that we didn't have the family we deserved.
Hey Jake. Thanks for articulating exactly what I felt when I lost a parent suddenly. The worst part was how everyone I knew expected my life to be upended with the news, and I never felt much of anything. Not numb, just nothing. You're not the asshole for how you feel. I admire your honesty in talking about this, and I hope your social circle understands you well enough to skip the condolences and platitudes. Thanks again for all you do.
I totally related to the idea of having a distant relationship, and living with the fear of "growing up" to repeat your parent's mistakes, that fear can either make us or break us, so you've literally taken the words out of my mouth with regards to that. Thank you for this video.
I'm glad you posted this video. It sounds like your dad and mine were cut from the same cloth. Especially the part about gifts feeling like thinly veiled threats. I felt like I was looking to much into that and also like the ungrateful p.o.s that he constantly told me I was through out my life. I've felt guilt over not caring about his life or eventual death, but it feels good to know that someone else has gone through this and feels similarly. Thank you.
Thanks, Jake! This is the best video you've ever done. I totally understand what you mean. I've spent the last 35 years being as much as I can the kind of person that I would have wanted as a dad, instead of the dad that I got. He had some great moments, and I respect him as a person, but he had a great big hole in all his relationships with other people.
I always feel so overwhelmingly sad when I hear stories of people with shitty parents, because I didn't. My parents were exactly like the *good* parents you described, they always validated my brother and I in whatever we wanted to do with our lives, and showed genuine excitement for the things we loved, which is doubly amazing since my brother and I are both autistic, so we have frequent and intense obsessions and hyperfixations. So I always get really depressed when I learn about how so many people failed to have the good parents I did, because I can't imagine how much worse my life would be if I grew up scared of expressing who I am to my parents, my friends
Me and my dad were estranged when he died, barely spoke for years because in the midst of his alcoholism and avoidance he just couldn't make the effort. I felt relieved when he died because the pressure of reconciliation was gone but still a lot of bad feels. I relate to not wanting to hear condolences, I got SO SICK of "I'm sorry for your loss". Death is weird and complex, I honestly wish people wouldn't even say that they are sorry or whatever. Thanks for sharing Jake
Boonehams oh my god, I just recently learned about the alternative name that exists for Brazil nuts and I was mortified. The 75 year old family member who told me, as if it were some fun little trivia bit, did not understand my horrified reaction. Jezus.
That's one of the tricky things in life, if we have a friend who we no longer want to associate with its relatively easy to ditch that relationship and move on. But when its a blood relative you cant ever really shake that. So the fact Jake felt "relieved" when his dad died is completely understandable. That was literally his only way to end that relationship with the man.
I have been struggling with a very similar situation, except with my mom, not my dad. This video really spoke to me. Though it hurts at first, cutting the toxic people out, even if they are you're own mother or sister has changed my life for the better.
I feel very similar about my dad. The last couple years have been even worse for my mom and I. When he dies I'll find relief but, I'll feel awful for my mom. I totally get where you're coming from Jake.
Thanks for sharing this, dude. I feel the same way about my mom who abused my older siblings and I but died 2 years ago. It's weird to not be sad about her death, but for me I'm just glad that I don't have to grieve 2 parents since my dad died 2 years before my mom did.
This just made me apreciate my parents much more. They are the best people on this earth I know, and am deeply thankful for getting to spend so much time with them, day in and day out. I will cherish every second I will get to spend with them in the future. I am truly sorry that you never got to feel this type of love from your father, but you've turned out to be a better man than he ever was.
This really hits home to me in that our Father fit many of the descriptors you used. Add a healthy dollop of bullying, telling my brother he wish he was never born. I totally understand the way you’re feeling. Truly when my own father passed a few years ago my only regret and only feeling of remorse was that I never confronted him for how he terrorized our family, bullied his own wife and my brother. Like I said, I made my peace years ago in that he meant nothing more to me than the 23 chromosomes he contributed.
Thank you for sharing this. My dad's still alive, but I haven't spoken to him in over 6 years - my choice. The biggest thing that's been bothering me in that time is not knowing how I'll feel when he eventually dies. I feel nothing when I think about it now, but hearing that you continue to feel nothing after your dad's death is actually really reassuring!
I know how you feel, dude. It's such a weird place to be, and it's such a strange position to be in, but it's not on us to manufacture sadness for someone like this. Personally I feel like it's a good show of your character to not pretend to be sad anyways. It's nice to see people I respect going through this too.
I have a lot of respect for you, Jake, and I am sorry for what happened to you, but I am immensely proud and glad that you've managed to stay a decent person even through this bullshit. It takes strength to remain kind through abuse, to refuse to be the same kind of person who hurt you.
I felt the same way when my dad died 5 years ago. He expressed his love to me at least, but I felt relieved when he was gone. The pressure went away and it was nice.
We lost my father about a year ago and it was devastating. It says a lot of positive things about the quality of a man that we can all agree the worst thing he ever did was cheat us out of the last few decades with him by drinking his kidney into oblivion.
I’ve had a very complex relationship with my mom. She did abuse me physically and mentally and I was recently diagnosed with a mental illness related to my childhood. But at the same time I think she’s been giving me the best she could and I have become tough and independent person thanks to her. Even though she still really doesn’t validate me. She probably has her own problems and a hard childhood behind her. There are so many things that affect us and shape the person we end up becoming. I’m sorry you couldn’t have the father you deserved.
You gotta feel what you gotta feel. I had to go No Contact with my mom for similar reasons. I know that whenever I learn about her death, any tears I shed will be ones of relief. It hurts to feel grief over the loss over the parent you wish you had. Especially when the one you got is so far off the mark.
I can definitely relate to your experiences a lot. I have a very similar situation with my father. He's not dead yet, but I haven't seen him now for over fifteen years and have treated him as dead pretty much that entire time. What you said about finding family through other people, that's something I very much stand behind. The fact that when I get letter or whatever informing me that he's dead, I already know I won't be shedding a single tear and that's not on me. It says more about him than anything else, that a situation like that can happen. They've made their decisions and that's the payoff; simple as that.
I feel this to an extent, as my grandfather was horribly abusive to my dad and grandmother (to the point that he directly contributed to my grandmother's bad health towards the end of her life), but was never abusive to me. But still I was never able to have a decent relationship w/him because of how he treated my parents for most of my life. His passing fucked me up because I didn't really feel sad/anger about it, but I felt anger and sadness that I didn't get to have a grandpa, at all. He never really cared that I existed, his freakin NEIGHBOR cared more about me than he did! Anyways, I got to laugh after his passing that he had a lighter shaped like a very wrinkly dong, like the whole dong lighter was made of wrinkles and veins, so yknow. Anyways, it was nice to hear your perspective on it and thank you for talking about it. I'm sorry he was a shit person to you, Jake. You deserved better.
You are definitely not alone in this. I have not so much cut my dad out of my life as I simply just never think about him/our relationship and when I do, it's with a feeling of obligation but most of all ambivalence.
Jake. In not feeling sad, in feeling happy looking forward to a future without your father’s negativity, you are not being your father. You are being very human. A good human, in fact. I have always appreciated your kindness, your thoughtfulness, your empathy. I see no deficit in any of these things in your words here.
I know this feeling Jake. I feel like I can't talk with my parents. They both do what they can but neither of them show the kind of kindness I'd hope they would. I dunno if I'd feel that way, but your feelings are absolutely valid. Whatever it is you *need* I hope you get it to get through this time. Whether it be a chance to think through your feelings or whatever.
I'm glad you made this video. I lost my father recently after not seeing him in 17 years and felt a lot of the same things. Made me feel a bit nuts not feeling "Like I should" when he passed. Thank you for this. I really feel you on this.
I know it's almost a year, but I found this and it resonates, my mom abused me and it took me awhile to realize, you don't have to forgive or forget or even like the abuser no matter who they are, just don't let it control you
It's fine to feel whatever it is. If you also allow yourself to be sad if you feel like it as well. Grief can be weird over time and is different for anyone.
Yeah, sometimes abuse or abusive people in general leave you with weird reactions. My mom's an alcoholic and an asshole, and I often wish she would die. And then I feel guilty, even tough she has caused so many problems in my life. Because you're supposed to love your parents and to be sad if they die, and when you are not, it feels like you are a bad person. Sometimes society (or just people) don't really see how complicated those situations get and that you are allowed to have complicated feelings. Even if you supposed to respect parents, sometimes they just aren't worth respecting, and that's okay.
You can feel however you want about this. If he was someone that affected you badly in life you are under no obligation to feel sad about it. You're right that I want to offer condolences but since that's a bad idea, I want you to know that we support you in any way.
You're not an asshole for feeling the way you feel. I had a very similar experience, and I felt the way you do about being relieved and feeling bad that I didn't feel bad. Your feelings are valid.
Jake, I don't know how you’re supposed to feel. But you know, we just want you to know that we support you. And you process it however you need to for your mental health.
My dad just died on the 18th, I`m so sorry you are also dealing with losing a parent. I am struggling to sort out my feelings about my father dying, I have PTSD and my parents and my hometown are big triggers for me, and your video helped a little, hearing someone talking candidly about what would be considered not the socially appropriate reaction to the death of a parent. Abuse is such a deeply scarring thing, and even death does not settle broken feelings and damaged parts of you as a result of your parent.
Hey Jake this video hit really close to home and I think your view on it is really solid and honestly im still working on getting all the negativity out of my life as im still in need of support from my abusive parents, regardless I always felt like shit for wanting to disconnect from my family they even use my own brothers to guilt trip me into showing up on the holidays. Anyways what im trying to say is videos like this help me validate these feeling's and know that I might not be the nicest person but im certainly not wrong in how I know I feel. Keep making your videos you and Hannah are both a source of inspiration for me and im so proud to have watched this channel grow alongside my own life.
I know you don't want condolences, but I will say that I'm sorry you're going through all this. My father died a few months ago, and we also had a "complicated" relationship. I had terribly conflicted feelings, and I still do.
Hey dude.... you aren’t alone in not feeling the need for condolences.
When my biological father died we had been estranged for many many years. He was a bad person and I couldn’t bring myself to mourn his loss. But I did mourn the reality that I would never have the father I wished I had. It is rough and felt so weird - I didn’t grieve... but it still hit me harder than I expected in very unexpected ways.
A lot of what you have said in this video hit so so so close to home.
Jaye Cole BoJack Horseman really got that right, I guess.
... And look how many of us are in the same boat. Not to be alone with this means everything,.
when my biological grandmother dies, my entire family will feel the same. it's not just the father, it can be anyone, at any age, in any position.
My biological mother isn't dead yet, but I already mourned the fact that I never had and probably never would have a real mom. It was tough but also relieving to make that realization.
"The Misery Chick" episode from MTV's "Daria" comes to mind. The super-star NFL player who graduated from their highschool dies suddenly, but he was a class-A jerk to everyone there. Everyone is conflicted by his death except Daria, and Daria gets angry because people keep coming to her for advice and coping.
One of my favourite episodes of one of my favourite shows. Now I feel like rewatching it.
My college dorm friend group nicknamed me after this episode.
That is a very honest episode and dealt with something people deal with. When my step-grandfather died, I felt safe visiting my grandma. When I'd stay over before, I'd wake up to find him sitting in a chair leering at me. I started sleeping with a knife under my pillow.
Damn, I thought this was going to be about Hannah's dad because she was talking about it in the last chick tract. Jake, I hope you take it as another way of moving on and healing yourself. Glad you are feeling relief.
We all know Hannah has death note super powers from the Jack Chick thing too.
I had the same thought just like how Jack Chick died shortly afer they joked about it
... Hi, Jake. My best friend took it upon herself to inform me of both of my parents' deaths, years ago. I was unaware of both deaths. For her own reasons, she could never understand why I was able to completely walk away from my family the first chance I got, back in the '70's, despite my detailed explanations over the years.
FYI, I'll be 69 next month, and I still haven't mourned either of them. I, too, felt relieved when I found out they had passed.. What happened with "My Family" was not my fault ... *but how I handle that is definitely my responsibility.* All that has passed, and is now in The Past. I simply can not allow it to interfere with my Present ... which would tend to fuck up whatever Future I have left. Shit Happened. *Let It Be.* Let it drop away in memory, like a cursed ring flung into a midnight sea.
And I agree 100% with you re: that perfect vacuum of not really feeling anything. I think that's why I'm so kind to, and considerate of people *whom I think are worth the effort.* Kindness and Consideration are not to be wasted.
Our Non-Pain Pain never completely goes away, I suspect. But in my experience, it does lessen, and it reappears less and less often. That works just fine for me. *I very much hope that the same will go for you.*
@Darth Mizinth ... That means an awful lot to me. Thank *you.* The Pain of not being able to feel pain can be a brutal mirror trick. Just make sure to stay on your side of the mirror, and you'll be fine ;)
Thomas Cervasio Beautifully stated!
The only thing I will offer condolences for is that I'm sorry you never had the father you deserved. You're a great man, Jake. Keep up the good work.
I was 14 when my grandmother died.
I didn’t cry, I didn’t feel a thing. I literally could not cry. She was awful to us.
I get it.
my grandmother died around the same age, and she was also so terrible to us. She made me cry multiple times, yelled at my siblings and I, called us every name in the book, and tried to kick my sister out because she (grandmother) thought sister was pregnant (she was doing that fake baby assignment). The day I found out she died, I just went back to watching my movie with my sister. and though I feel glad she's not in pain anymore, the death never effected me. How are you meant to love someone who only showed you disgust and scorn?
My grandfather died two months ago and I felt nothing.
You're completely allowed to feel what you feel. Respect and love isn't owed, even for parents, you have to earn it.
I hate it when abusive family members die and everyone talks about how deep down they were actually a good person.
It justifies their inaction when the monster was loose.
@@stephaniewilson3955 it's also because they know are 'bad' people, and want the same level of forgiveness and validation for themselves. Never mind that when you're dead, you're dead, and you can't have feelings or anything...
Thank you for saying love and respect are earned, even for parents. I think people give family members a pass on bad behavior because they're blood. If you wouldn't put up with that kind of behavior from a friend or stranger, why are you enduring it because that person is family? Makes no sense.
@@stephaniewilson3955 EXACTLY. I had this same feeling toward my uncles and grandparents a few years ago when my mother started similar control freak crap she did with my sister as she had with me. I told them to their faces that I thought they were horrible for allowing it and horrible for not helping us because of some unsaid allegiance to my mother. I didn't talk to them for several years; but I was able to slightly amend that and talk to them sometimes. My mom on the other hand can OD on fentanyl as far as I am concerned
"My dad threatened to shoot my dogs..."
You dont have to be a victim to be a victim, if that can make any sense. You were the victim of childhood domestic abuse. It doesn't have to be something you define yourself by or that you have to minimize, it's just the reality of the situation you were in.
@Brett Segmento threatening to destroy things of someone, threatening to hurt or murder pets
to get something? someone who belittles for their own fun?
s literally domestic abuse
When my folks died, I felt relieved. That is the word that I always use for it. I don't have to try to be nice to my Mom and Dad anymore while they shit all over me. I don't have to be part of a family that doesn't give me anything positive. Not all families are like those in Hallmark movies. Real life can be messy, and some people are not good at being parents. Hannah and others close to you are your family. Blood is not always thicker than water.
It's weird when someone you aren't emotionally close to, but are still related to dies. The condolences just feel empty, and then people expect you to be sad about what they perceive as a loss. It's fine that they had a good relationship, but there is just no way you can feel like that. I hope this allows you to move ahead with renewed vigor for life.
Well, If I shouldn’t send condolences, do I congratulate you? Support either way. Keep up the good work on the channel guys.
It was a weird set of feelings when my mom's mom died. How I remember her is so different than what everybody else seemed to think of her. I found myself thinking, "oh so she was only horrible to me. Cool.."
What complicated it for me was that since she was so good with everyone else, I was expected to feel sad along with them. Her funeral was hard, because I knew my mom was hurting, and I wanted to sympathize, but I just couldn't. And i had to pretend that i could.
Yeah, I got that from my dad's dad.
This person who I was literally terrified of, was getting framed as this kind Santa Claus figure by the rest of my family (especially my generation of cousins), and I'm just like.... was it just me?
But no, it wasn't turns out. He scared everyone. It's just funerals make people pull out whatever fond memories they have of people, whatever hopes they might have had for improvement, the person at their best. And even though he was an angry judgmental violent man, he wasn't always. There were happy memories to mine if one were inclined. I wasn't. Everyone else was. Eventually I let that be okay, but it sure was a weird socially uncomfortable week while it was happening for sure, it felt lowkey like gaslighting.
@@jessielefey I think my situation is a little different then. My brother and sister both think the world of her and were surprised when I told them the kinds of "discipline" she used to use on me.
@@jessielefey I definitely feel you on that gaslighting feeling for like a week before and after the services though
@@jessielefey I completely understand your situation. My grandmother who was a narcissist died 2 weeks ago and my uncle's family and her friends on Facebook are sending me messages about how devastated they are that she passed and how generous she was. I personally question if everyone around her was as superficial in their affection like she was or if I am going insane. The reality is that people play different roles with different people. When a person is manipulative, they did to act the way they think others want them to act. Those that are close to them, such as family, tend to hide their feelings in the fear that others might thing them petty or ungrateful.
@@jessielefey I don't think I will go to my mother's funeral. I don't know about either of my dads yet. They have both apologized and admitted where they were wrong, so I do harbor some forgiveness and have relationships with them. Not my mother. I don't think I will even go.
I think you literally vocalized how I will feel when my father dies. I love you man, your feelings are valid.
Totally get the validity of not mourning. Several years ago, a prominent member of my hometown died. He was a teacher in my middle school and high school. Everyone was talking about what a positive influence he was, and hie he impacted their future in a positive way. I won't dismiss their experiences. If they say he impacted them positively, I believe them. That was not my experience. I remember him being a bully who threw things across the room and screamed when students failed to meet his standard. I remember him bragging about beating his kids. So, no I wasn't sad he died.
When my mother dies, I will feel nothing but relief. And I don't know how to feel about that. Thank you for shining a light on this.
Those are your feelings. How you learn to deal with them and move forward in your life is entirely up to you.
Same. I don't think I'm feeling guilty about it but this video certainly has triggered me.
Desperadox23 Yeah, it s so fucked up when people are like “but that’s your mom!”
Dude, that makes the pain they caused 1000 times worse.
@@Buttington_Headerson on Mother's Day last year I was in the flower shop buying roses for my wife when one of my executive clients (I work in a bank) came in. This dude is deeply self-important and we do not have a cordial relationship, but he felt the need to ask me if the flowers were for my wife or my mom.
I responded with some vitriol that "my mom had done enough to me" and had no small satisfaction in seeing the confusion and shock spread over his rich, boomer face.
Love and respect are made and earned, not owned or bought. It was nice to not be the deeply awkward and embarrassed person in the room for once!
This makes me grateful for the relationship I had with my mother. She passed yesterday. It was sudden but not unexpected. I'm grateful I saw her this weekend. And I'm grateful that I am as sad about it as I am, which might seem weird, but I'm glad we had a good relationship.
I'm sorry to hear that your mother passed way. hope you get through this hard time in one piece.
My dad passed on February 7th and he was a terrific father. I appreciate how good our relationship was and will always miss him. Sorry for your loss.
You deserve condolences for having ever had to interact with that monster.
I've been almost a year now since I decided that I will not actively pursue engagement with my immediate family. I haven't had a row with anyone, just made the decision after a visit. I just realized how uncomfortable I felt around all these people, and, importantly, I realized *how little* they care about my discomfort. It comes down to: I don't feel like myself in your presence.
Now I have a teenage son and I'm worried that I'm being the sort of parent that my parents were; in other words, I'm terrified of driving him away like that. I worry that I'm modeling bad behavior even though in this case it's justified
You care about your son. That will show even if you are not smothering him in hugs.
@@stephaniewilson3955 That's not how it works. Abusive partners also care about their significant other. Healthy relationships need work and when you have children you can't rely on the other person just pointing out what you are doing wrong like it happens in most adult relationships.
It's a good thing to worry on whether you are a good parent ot not. And correct when you find that you are doing something wrong.
The main thing is that you obviously do care about your son and you care about how your son feels. From what you described, that's not true of your parents. As long as your son knows that you care, not just about him, but about how he feels and that you want to try to accommodate and make things work out between you and your son (regardless of what the differences between the two of you are), it should be okay. At that point, it's about whether or not your son feels the same way about you - and that's not something you can control or change.
From the tiny little snippet you shared here, I'm guessing that what happened between you and your parents won't repeat itself with you and your son. Most familial relationships struggle to continue despite all the difficulties and differences.
My mother can be extremely selfish and self-absorbed, but every time she pushes me too far and we're on the verge of cutting each other off completely, she calms down after a couple weeks and... not quite apologizes, but she reaches out to me in little ways to show that she does still want me in her life. I think the hardest part about our relationship is that I didn't turn out the way she wanted me to and that I'm refusing to bend to what she wants for me. And as I've gotten older and more confident in who I am, it's become harder and harder for her to accept.
Well, what's the bad behavior that you're modeling that you think is justified? Jake's dad thought threatening to shoot Jake's dog was justified.
I just have a baby cousin and I recoil in horror when I end up yelling at her or getting passive aggressive.
You don’t owe anyone a relationship. Not even your parents. You are perfectly valid in how you feel.
This video just makes me so sad. My dad isn’t perfect, but he did his absolute best to be a good and loving father. I’m so sorry that you didn’t really get that.
Jake: My dad died.
Me: Dope.
Right? The urge to send a high five gif was overwhelming.
Haha, same here except I was thinking; Congrats.
I lost my father when I was 23 years old (over 15 years ago now). He had been an alcoholic and my relationship with him deteriorated as I got older and he was less and less in my life. I was in college and the last conversation I had with him was how I hated him calling me to chat about the weather and people I didn't know about. I said that if he wanted any kind of relationship with me that he needed to get to know me as an adult and quit thinking of me as a child. He died of alcohol withdrawal in a halfway house half a country away from where I lived. Everything he owned fit into the back of his car and it only took me and my sister about an hour to go through it all and donate it to charity. In many ways I was relieved when he was gone. If nothing else, he provided an example of how I didn't want my own kids to grow up.
I will say that no one can or should judge a child for their feelings or non-feelings about a parent's death.
I’m so happy to see these kinds of feelings being talked about more. I’ve been through similar shit and this kind of reaction to the death of someone who was a problem in your life is very common but it gets pretty much no discussion
Don't feel bad for the way you feel. It is very valid. My sperm donor was both physically and verbally abusive growing up. My egg donor was also verbally abusive. (The title of parents is something they did not earn.) I feel exactly the same way you do. I get it. When I reached adulthood I had to walk away and leave that poison behind me for good and I've never once regretted it. I do not know what either one of them are up to or even where they live and neither of them have any means to contact me. One or both could be dead for all I know and I honestly don't even care. I moved on. I found a new family and I am genuinely happy. The important thing is to be happy with the people who HAVE earned their titles and not worry about those who don't. Thank you for sharing Jake.
Don't feel bad Jake, bad ppl need to die so the rest of us can live better lives. I once worked w a guy who groped all the female employees, and management did nothing bc they were buds. He ended up dying in a car crash (bc he drove like a douche) and the only thing I felt was relief. No more women would have to deal w his roaming hands.
When it comes to death, you get to feel whatever’s going on in your head, even if it’s nothing. It’s healthier to be honest about it and it’s good that you’re clearly aware of why you feel the way you do.
Whatever it is man, we support you.
My motto is "Blood is not family, it's who you choose." I understand where you're coming from.
For a very long time I felt really weird about how when my mother died, I moved past it so quickly that people offering me condolences was confusing and felt wrong, and I didn't understand why people did it even only a month or so afterward. My mother was manipulative and emotionally abusive, and I won't ever forgive her for that, so I guess I'm saying I know how weird and unusual that feels.
I've stopped talking with my sister as well, because while she definitely suffered too, she is also a primary source of trauma for me, also manipulative and abusive. She took what she got and gave it to me too, and if I never see her again, I won't be sad. I only feel bad that this also means not seeing my nephews as a result.
My dad is in jail. He is a rly bad guy and hurt my siblings and I. Hes not dead, hes a bad guy, and I dont want him in my life. But iv mourned the loss of him in a way. Like some times I get sad because ill never see him again, witch is what I want, but I'm still sad about it... If that makes sences
it does, Justin.
I hope your life is better now with him out of the way
This video made me cry. Not because it's necessarily sad, but because I think I finally was able to validate my own feelings toward my father. Thank you Jake. And I'm sorry you had to go through something like this.
My dad divorced my mom and was absent from my life from my early teen years onward. So when I got the news that he had died, it didn't really affect me. I didn't tell people about it, because I knew they would expect me to feel a certain way, which I just didn't.
Even my current family which I am living with, while loving - has been so dysfunctional and emotionally negative, that I have learned to distance myself emotionally as an act of self-preservation. If people aren't willing to work on their own problems then it is self-harmful for you to feel empathy for them, I learned. It's like trying to save a drowning person, only for them to pull you under too.
All that to say, I kind of understand what you're going through. We all have different families and sometimes we don't feel for them in the way society says we ought to.
what an important video! this is somewhat relatable for me. my amazing dad who died a long time ago had a horribly abusive mother (physically, mentally, all the things) who was in my life until i was old enough to realise what kind of person she was. she died last year and i felt absolutely nothing when i found out. i felt a little relieved that she would now never try to contact me again. but i never wished her any harm, i just didn't care about her.
Thank you for posting this video. I just lost my paternal grandmother two weeks ago and I am going through the same issue as you are. I honestly have been going to therapy because I feel a lot of guilt over not being upset that she has passed. She was not a terrible person; however, she was a narcissist who has been judgemental and demanding up until her final days. It is honestly a relief to me that she is no longer trying to manipulate or control others, but I also do not want to seem ungrateful for the times she financially supported me. It's a rough position to be in and I'm sorry that you are experiencing the same conflict.
relief at the death of someone close, even loved, is NORMAL.
the pain is over for you or them or both of you.
my dad was a good dad and i loved him, but he got dementia and was quite a handful to put it mildly. i was relieved when he died. i miss him and i grieved the loss, but it was such a relief to not deal with his illness anymore.
you don't have to love your parents or siblings. you don't have to love your family.
your feelings are VALID and NORMAL and OK.
I get it. I grew up seeing my grandma every day until I was 11 and then she called me every week from the time I was 13 to the time I was 17. Even took me in at 19. But the things she said through my life and the way she pushed views and openly attacked people she didn’t agree with...I didn’t care when she died. I wasn’t feeling nothing, exactly, but it was more like a feeling of peace and guilt that peace was my response to another human being’s death. I’m glad I was in therapy to have someone tell me it was perfectly valid to feel that way. I even had my first good Christmas in years. She died Christmas Eve that year.
My friends have often commented on how I didn’t do things as a teenager like they did and how painfully shy and scared of the slightest raised voice or loud noise I was. It was only coming to uni and opening up to my friends that made me realise how not normal my upbringing was. It’s coming up for 6 months without speaking to my mum and I’ve honestly never been in a better head space. Originally when I said it out loud I thought people were judging me and I was a terrible person but what I’ve realised is you need to do what makes you feel happy and safe. Jake I’m sending love your way regardless, never feel sad or bad for feeling your feelings everyone processes everything and every situation differently ❤️
When you were talking about supporting your kids hobbies and interests, whatever they are it reminded me of my dad. When I was younger I wanted to be like my dad, he was a programmer, so I wanted to be a programmer. He liked astronomy so I wanted to like astronomy. He used to be a pilot, so I wanted to be a pilot. But every single one of those things he did his very best to ruin for me. Not that that was his intention. I know he was thrilled to have me interested in what he was interested in.
For astronomy, he took me to late night astronomy talks that were the driest shit ever, because they were for adults and I was like 8.
For aviation, he was very encouraging of my study of it, was thrilled when I took a high school aerodynamics course, but kept pushing me to get a private pilot's license even though I had too much anxiety to get a driver's license. (I didn't finally get a dl until I was 19, which, because some backwater legality, he had been pushing me to get since I was 14.)
The first real programming course I ever had was the tail end of my junior year of high school, and it was an after school club. For some context, This also happened right around the time that my mother and I moved into a women's shelter to get away from my father. So, y'know, my father was very excited I was doing programming, and decided to audit the class. Basically just show up, and make sure the teacher was teaching good. Then my mom and I moved out. She told my school not to let my dad pick me up (on my behalf, I have anxiety and probably wouldn't have been able to kick up a fuss and make my way home to the shelter if he ever tried to take me back to his house.) But the after school class was at a different school, and we didn't want to make a fuss. It was an after school program, so there was maybe 1 real teacher there, not the guy teaching the class, and well, "my dad's not really that bad, is he?" And "do you really want to cut him completely out of your life?" So we let him keep coming to class, and it made me miserable. I kept worrying he might bring up the fact we left, or he might offer to drive me to where we were staying, which if you've never been in an abuse shelter, is a big fat fucking no-no, you don't tell the fucker you're running from where you are. And eventually I just stopped going to the class.
So my shitty ass dad couldn't have tried harder to pressure me out of our shared interests if he wanted to.
I still love the stars, but I dont know if I will ever formally study astronomy because of what he did. I still am fascinated by computer science and what you can do with it, but I don't know if i will ever be able to actually learn any programming. And i love aviation still, but I'm pretty sure I will now never learn how to fly a plane.
So TLDR: my shit dad tried way too hard to be invested in our shared interests, and ended up ruining them for me.
I've cut negative people from my life for less than you've described in this video. I think the sense of relief you described is more than valid.
"You know what it's like? It's like that show "Becker," you know, with Ted Danson? I watched the entire run of that show, hoping that it would get better, and it never did. It had all the right pieces, but it just... It couldn't put them together. And when it got cancelled, I was really bummed out, not because I liked the show, but because I knew it could be so much better, and now it never would be. And that's what losing a parent is like. It's like "Becker." Suddenly, you realize you'll never have the good relationship you wanted, and as long as they were alive, even though you'd never admit it, part of you - the stupidest goddamn part of you - was still holding on to that chance. And you didn't even realize it until that chance went away."
-Bojack Horseman
OMG so this
@Joe Average Fair warning, the first half of season 1 isn't great, you gotta get through it before getting to the good stuff.
I was in a foster family from 1-13. For some reason at 13 I was moved to a different foster home, never figured out why but 6 months ago the man that raised me from 1-13 died and I was relieved. Finally I could stop faking allegiance to that family. They were abusive mentally, emotionally, and physically. Everyone in the family treated me different and it was all fake love. On the day of his funeral I did not attend and deleted every last one of them from my social media. Ill never forget giftless Christmases every year, holey clothes, worn down shoes, and having a knife held to my chest while being threatened to cut the candy out of me that I did not take. I was relieved when he died because I could finally stop faking besides, they put me into another foster home with no explaination, I should have cut them off then.
With someone with a conservative father that's not quite as domestically abusive as yours sounded, this kind of video helps with conceptualizing of how I'll deal with it when mine passes, thank you for uploading this
So someone has a different political belief therefore them dying is good. Wow. You're the one with the issues
Mario mario yup because their beliefs have supported those who have led to people dying but because it’s not a direct 1:1 you don’t care, whoops looks like we’ve spotted who’s the problem here
@@ryansvideos100 no I dont base my love of family and friends and dont revel in someone's death over a fucking political belief you idiot. Grow the hell up
Mario mario so political beliefs don’t just exist in a vacuum where they can’t hurt anyone. They inform your worldview. If your political beliefs, for instance, contribute to high death rates in certain communities or create a harmful stigma, that’s not good. That’s especially not good when you are family or friends with individuals who are part of those communities. It makes complete sense to cut someone out of your life if their views are cruel and harmful. You don’t have to mourn someone if their political views we’re in favor of policies that harmed you or others.
I'm transgender. my dad gladly votes away my rights every time. He does not care he is hurting me. Then he turns around and complains that I rarely can get and maintain a job, because I keep getting fired for being trans, which is pretty much exactly what he voted for. Never feel bad for disliking family members that are politically at odds with you.
Hey Jake! Thank you so much for sharing this video and your honest feelings. My dad died ten years ago and we were not on good terms and it was a very strange emotional experience. The best advice I got was from my brother "Whatever you feel is right." Because I was caught up in what you're supposed to feel. His death meant the end of nightmares about him popping up in my life, but also the end of a chance at closure. I was devastated and relieved at the same time. Its a weird place to be.
Thank you again and we love you!
My mom was garbage. I would have NO sadness or regrets if she were to pass. And I'm so ok and healthy with the situation. I am pleasant with her for the sake of my grown kids. That's all. No love.
You're valid, Jake.
Complicated relationships with parents often end this way. There's no need to feel guilt or sadness when someone was essentially not involved in your life already...
This is pretty much how I expect I'd feel if either of my parents died. Thanks for putting this out there.
When you say you felt relieved, I related deeply. My abusive dad is still alive but he is old and has health issues due to his alcoholism and poor diet choices. When I think of him likely dying before I have my own children I too feel relieved, not in a malicious way, but just the lack of his presence and knowing he won’t hurt anyone I care about would be so liberating.
Wow. This was really intense. It honestly put into words some things I've felt...probably my whole life, and certainly since I've more come to terms with my own abuse. Thank you for sharing something this deeply personal.
I sometimes think when people mourn the passing of an awful person, its that they are mourning what the relationship could have and should have been, not who the person was. Others do that before they are gone, and maybe that is why you feel the way you do Jake, and why it is ok that you are not upset with your dad's passing, you already did the emotional work.
I know that feel Jake, my mom was murdered last year and the only thing I felt was relief that I would never have to interact with her ever again
Hol up.
Forgive me for asking, but what was the motive?
The dude was just a shit bag wanting to kill US women. She fled to Mexico because she was a criminal and was murdered there
@@4thhorsman155 wow..
I'm tearing up about this..."he took from me any chance I had to be sad about it" Damn...that is sad, and something I've never pondered before. Hugs, Jake. Not hugs because he's dead, but hugs that he was such a negative force in your life. Thanks for sharing.
I’ve been watching your old videos and. I didn’t realize this was new for a sec. I always have a hard time feeling normal grief feelings over someone’s death. I think it’s especially hard when it’s someone you’re not close to. There’s so much pressure to cry and act sad.
My dad was very similar, he was a black whole of rage all the time, almost never connected to me untill i was over 25 years old, i used to be scared of him all the time, however now i understand some of his pain when i think he had 5 children and had to provide for them all in a middle eastern country, he was pretty generous with money, and he was very very hard working guy
Thank you so much. Your father sounds like my stepfather, and I had very similar feelings when he finally died. I felt like a monster, because my mom and brother are still hurting, and seeing everyone at his funeral talk about how great he was when all I could remember was the threats and emotional abuse and manipulation was terrible
Wow, I can identify so much with this and I'm so grateful you've shared this, thank you! My dad was a horrible person, he died back in 2005, and I felt a brief sense of relief followed by nothing but perfectly normal day to day things as life progressed as usual. I feel less weird about that now.
Thank you for this honesty. When my dad died I didn't feel anything and when my awful grandmother dies, I won't care. They are basically strangers we are embarrassed to be related to. The only thing to grieve is that we didn't have the family we deserved.
Hey Jake. Thanks for articulating exactly what I felt when I lost a parent suddenly. The worst part was how everyone I knew expected my life to be upended with the news, and I never felt much of anything. Not numb, just nothing. You're not the asshole for how you feel. I admire your honesty in talking about this, and I hope your social circle understands you well enough to skip the condolences and platitudes. Thanks again for all you do.
I totally related to the idea of having a distant relationship, and living with the fear of "growing up" to repeat your parent's mistakes, that fear can either make us or break us, so you've literally taken the words out of my mouth with regards to that. Thank you for this video.
I'm glad you posted this video. It sounds like your dad and mine were cut from the same cloth. Especially the part about gifts feeling like thinly veiled threats. I felt like I was looking to much into that and also like the ungrateful p.o.s that he constantly told me I was through out my life. I've felt guilt over not caring about his life or eventual death, but it feels good to know that someone else has gone through this and feels similarly. Thank you.
Jake, you are the awesomest. The family we make/find is, indeed, the best, and I'm glad you made this video. XOXOXO😻
Thanks, Jake! This is the best video you've ever done. I totally understand what you mean. I've spent the last 35 years being as much as I can the kind of person that I would have wanted as a dad, instead of the dad that I got. He had some great moments, and I respect him as a person, but he had a great big hole in all his relationships with other people.
I always feel so overwhelmingly sad when I hear stories of people with shitty parents, because I didn't. My parents were exactly like the *good* parents you described, they always validated my brother and I in whatever we wanted to do with our lives, and showed genuine excitement for the things we loved, which is doubly amazing since my brother and I are both autistic, so we have frequent and intense obsessions and hyperfixations. So I always get really depressed when I learn about how so many people failed to have the good parents I did, because I can't imagine how much worse my life would be if I grew up scared of expressing who I am to my parents, my friends
Me and my dad were estranged when he died, barely spoke for years because in the midst of his alcoholism and avoidance he just couldn't make the effort. I felt relieved when he died because the pressure of reconciliation was gone but still a lot of bad feels.
I relate to not wanting to hear condolences, I got SO SICK of "I'm sorry for your loss". Death is weird and complex, I honestly wish people wouldn't even say that they are sorry or whatever.
Thanks for sharing Jake
Been there with a family member passing as well. Thanks for being honest about your feelings.
"No, dad, they're called Brazil nuts."
- Jake, during his adolescence, probably
Boonehams oh my god, I just recently learned about the alternative name that exists for Brazil nuts and I was mortified. The 75 year old family member who told me, as if it were some fun little trivia bit, did not understand my horrified reaction. Jezus.
A good chuckle was had. Thanks.
That's one of the tricky things in life, if we have a friend who we no longer want to associate with its relatively easy to ditch that relationship and move on. But when its a blood relative you cant ever really shake that. So the fact Jake felt "relieved" when his dad died is completely understandable. That was literally his only way to end that relationship with the man.
I have been struggling with a very similar situation, except with my mom, not my dad. This video really spoke to me. Though it hurts at first, cutting the toxic people out, even if they are you're own mother or sister has changed my life for the better.
I feel very similar about my dad. The last couple years have been even worse for my mom and I. When he dies I'll find relief but, I'll feel awful for my mom. I totally get where you're coming from Jake.
Thanks for sharing this, dude. I feel the same way about my mom who abused my older siblings and I but died 2 years ago. It's weird to not be sad about her death, but for me I'm just glad that I don't have to grieve 2 parents since my dad died 2 years before my mom did.
I never cry when people die, I highly believe they are somewhere better, and you always have the memories of them
This just made me apreciate my parents much more. They are the best people on this earth I know, and am deeply thankful for getting to spend so much time with them, day in and day out.
I will cherish every second I will get to spend with them in the future.
I am truly sorry that you never got to feel this type of love from your father, but you've turned out to be a better man than he ever was.
This really hits home to me in that our Father fit many of the descriptors you used. Add a healthy dollop of bullying, telling my brother he wish he was never born. I totally understand the way you’re feeling. Truly when my own father passed a few years ago my only regret and only feeling of remorse was that I never confronted him for how he terrorized our family, bullied his own wife and my brother. Like I said, I made my peace years ago in that he meant nothing more to me than the 23 chromosomes he contributed.
I find such comfort in your lack of grief, Jake. Thank you for this video.
Thank you for sharing this. My dad's still alive, but I haven't spoken to him in over 6 years - my choice. The biggest thing that's been bothering me in that time is not knowing how I'll feel when he eventually dies. I feel nothing when I think about it now, but hearing that you continue to feel nothing after your dad's death is actually really reassuring!
I know how you feel, dude. It's such a weird place to be, and it's such a strange position to be in, but it's not on us to manufacture sadness for someone like this. Personally I feel like it's a good show of your character to not pretend to be sad anyways. It's nice to see people I respect going through this too.
I have a lot of respect for you, Jake, and I am sorry for what happened to you, but I am immensely proud and glad that you've managed to stay a decent person even through this bullshit. It takes strength to remain kind through abuse, to refuse to be the same kind of person who hurt you.
I felt the same way when my dad died 5 years ago. He expressed his love to me at least, but I felt relieved when he was gone. The pressure went away and it was nice.
We lost my father about a year ago and it was devastating.
It says a lot of positive things about the quality of a man that we can all agree the worst thing he ever did was cheat us out of the last few decades with him by drinking his kidney into oblivion.
I’ve had a very complex relationship with my mom. She did abuse me physically and mentally and I was recently diagnosed with a mental illness related to my childhood. But at the same time I think she’s been giving me the best she could and I have become tough and independent person thanks to her. Even though she still really doesn’t validate me. She probably has her own problems and a hard childhood behind her. There are so many things that affect us and shape the person we end up becoming. I’m sorry you couldn’t have the father you deserved.
You gotta feel what you gotta feel. I had to go No Contact with my mom for similar reasons. I know that whenever I learn about her death, any tears I shed will be ones of relief. It hurts to feel grief over the loss over the parent you wish you had. Especially when the one you got is so far off the mark.
I can definitely relate to your experiences a lot. I have a very similar situation with my father. He's not dead yet, but I haven't seen him now for over fifteen years and have treated him as dead pretty much that entire time. What you said about finding family through other people, that's something I very much stand behind. The fact that when I get letter or whatever informing me that he's dead, I already know I won't be shedding a single tear and that's not on me. It says more about him than anything else, that a situation like that can happen. They've made their decisions and that's the payoff; simple as that.
I feel this to an extent, as my grandfather was horribly abusive to my dad and grandmother (to the point that he directly contributed to my grandmother's bad health towards the end of her life), but was never abusive to me. But still I was never able to have a decent relationship w/him because of how he treated my parents for most of my life. His passing fucked me up because I didn't really feel sad/anger about it, but I felt anger and sadness that I didn't get to have a grandpa, at all. He never really cared that I existed, his freakin NEIGHBOR cared more about me than he did! Anyways, I got to laugh after his passing that he had a lighter shaped like a very wrinkly dong, like the whole dong lighter was made of wrinkles and veins, so yknow.
Anyways, it was nice to hear your perspective on it and thank you for talking about it. I'm sorry he was a shit person to you, Jake. You deserved better.
You are definitely not alone in this. I have not so much cut my dad out of my life as I simply just never think about him/our relationship and when I do, it's with a feeling of obligation but most of all ambivalence.
Jake. In not feeling sad, in feeling happy looking forward to a future without your father’s negativity, you are not being your father. You are being very human. A good human, in fact. I have always appreciated your kindness, your thoughtfulness, your empathy. I see no deficit in any of these things in your words here.
I know this feeling Jake. I feel like I can't talk with my parents. They both do what they can but neither of them show the kind of kindness I'd hope they would. I dunno if I'd feel that way, but your feelings are absolutely valid. Whatever it is you *need* I hope you get it to get through this time. Whether it be a chance to think through your feelings or whatever.
I'm glad you made this video. I lost my father recently after not seeing him in 17 years and felt a lot of the same things. Made me feel a bit nuts not feeling "Like I should" when he passed. Thank you for this. I really feel you on this.
I know it's almost a year, but I found this and it resonates, my mom abused me and it took me awhile to realize, you don't have to forgive or forget or even like the abuser no matter who they are, just don't let it control you
It's fine to feel whatever it is. If you also allow yourself to be sad if you feel like it as well. Grief can be weird over time and is different for anyone.
I've thought about people like that dying, and I've had that same thought and concern. You're not alone.
This is really valuable, my dad's not dead but I certainly don't have a relationship with him. Cutting toxic people out of your life is 100% valid.
Yeah, sometimes abuse or abusive people in general leave you with weird reactions. My mom's an alcoholic and an asshole, and I often wish she would die. And then I feel guilty, even tough she has caused so many problems in my life. Because you're supposed to love your parents and to be sad if they die, and when you are not, it feels like you are a bad person. Sometimes society (or just people) don't really see how complicated those situations get and that you are allowed to have complicated feelings. Even if you supposed to respect parents, sometimes they just aren't worth respecting, and that's okay.
You can feel however you want about this. If he was someone that affected you badly in life you are under no obligation to feel sad about it. You're right that I want to offer condolences but since that's a bad idea, I want you to know that we support you in any way.
I had this sort of feeling when my first mom died. Thank you for validating that.
You're not an asshole for feeling the way you feel. I had a very similar experience, and I felt the way you do about being relieved and feeling bad that I didn't feel bad.
Your feelings are valid.
Jake, I don't know how you’re supposed to feel. But you know, we just want you to know that we support you. And you process it however you need to for your mental health.
I can relate. I wasn’t that close to my dad. When he died it was pretty much just another day. It never really felt like a loss.
Sometimes you just don't feel grief after a great loss, even tho you loved the other person, it's just a brain trying to protect itself
My dad just died on the 18th, I`m so sorry you are also dealing with losing a parent. I am struggling to sort out my feelings about my father dying, I have PTSD and my parents and my hometown are big triggers for me, and your video helped a little, hearing someone talking candidly about what would be considered not the socially appropriate reaction to the death of a parent. Abuse is such a deeply scarring thing, and even death does not settle broken feelings and damaged parts of you as a result of your parent.
Hey Jake this video hit really close to home and I think your view on it is really solid and honestly im still working on getting all the negativity out of my life as im still in need of support from my abusive parents, regardless I always felt like shit for wanting to disconnect from my family they even use my own brothers to guilt trip me into showing up on the holidays. Anyways what im trying to say is videos like this help me validate these feeling's and know that I might not be the nicest person but im certainly not wrong in how I know I feel. Keep making your videos you and Hannah are both a source of inspiration for me and im so proud to have watched this channel grow alongside my own life.
I know you don't want condolences, but I will say that I'm sorry you're going through all this. My father died a few months ago, and we also had a "complicated" relationship. I had terribly conflicted feelings, and I still do.