„How you get into a relationship with people you don’t know” FRICKIN THIS! I’m a lesbian with mostly straight female friends. They lowkey laught at me for texting with a girl for a month before going on a date with her. But they don’t find it absolutely unhinged if one of them is suddenly in a relationship with a dude she met once and they talked for TWO DAYS. One date with a complete stranger and she is not single anymore. And later she is in big shock when he turns out to be a creep.
This is hilarious to me bc of the lesbian stereotype type of us jumping into relationships really quickly 😭 I love how your friend group turns that on its head!
@@thegillmachine yeah idk i’m just a „no bs, no surprises” type of person and treat talking to potential partner like a job interview 💀 not very romantic but better safe than sorry lol
@@edgaranalhoe7678 Imo it’s more romantic to get to know someone. Way less romantic to go “I just met you but we’re in a relationship now”. I blame Disney for making people think that’s romantic
ever since i started noticing it, the sheer force of possessiveness among modern day relationships absolutely terrifies me. it makes no sense and is just fucked up in so many ways. i just-why???
i think that this boils down to seeing relationships as capitalistic competition. everyone is always “on the market”, constantly being evaluated on how lovable they are. it’s not about personal connection, it’s about valuable exchange. so, naturally, you want to protect “property” that you acquired. edit: typo
I think it comes down to an expectation of reliance; ppl have normalised wanting your partner to be _emotionally dependant_ on you as being a healthy thing, rather than controlling. So any ancillary connections from which they derive support & emotional reward are seen as a potential threat to the romantic one. At its fundament, it's toxic AF, but it's so normalised that even otherwise non-abusive partners accept it unexaminedly as an innocent social more. And then when the object of affection shows any sort of loyalty & attachment to those long-standing social connections that they're now being arbitrarily asked to step back from or cut off entirely, _they_ are seen as transgressing the romantic contract, & viewed with unhappiness + distrust.
The irony is that ppl _need_ other deep, rewarding, but also challenging relationships to teach them the skills to be a kind, healthy, conflict-resolution-capable partner in the first place.
I don't understand the assumption that everybody is born already equipped for healthy long term relationships. I can honestly relate to being borderline incapable of trusting a partner. I cannot, however, relate to seeking a partner anyway and feeling entitled to them dealing with my unresolved issues. I feel like being single should be considered our natural state no matter what stage of life we're in. Relationships take certain skills. Not everyone is qualified at any given moment. That's not that complicated.
and the assumption we need to seek out a relationship to begin with. aro people exist as well, and sometimes it's better to be single if it's happier rather than stressing yourself by always entering one
Yeah, as someone who definitely is in a bad way mental health wise, in a relationship with someone who's the same, we're willing to help each other, but our own issues aren't each other's *responsibility*, it's ultimately our own work to do, not each other's work.
This one did upset me too and I'm allosexual. Like, being attributed sexual intentions since I'm like 10 always made me feel weird. People need to stop assigning men sexual intentions all the time.
to me, this idea of people who can be attracted to specific genders automatically wanting to fuck anyone of those genders always made me uncomfortable because I’m BISEXUAL. Like what are you saying?? That i indiscriminately wanna fuck anyone and everyone?? and worse than that, it made me really afraid that my _potential_ attraction to them will make them uncomfortable, so around girls I’ve learned to actively avoid acting too touchy-feely, or being too vocal about how i think they’re beautiful (not necessarily because I’m attracted to them, some people are just very good at dressing, doing makeup, taking care of themselves etc) and others. just a couple days ago i had to ask a friend if i ever made her feel uncomfortable because of my sexuality. she fortunately and without hesitation said “no”, but it sucks that this toxic mentality that some people have has made me insecure. of course I’ll work on it by myself too, but i can’t really change how other people feel about my sexuality and gender so…
I agree 1000%. I actually broke up with a partner because of this. They continuously asked to look through me phone, because they hated I had a lot of guy friends (they knew this, because I told them that in the beginning). I told them I would never cheat, and long story short, they cheated first... So I've just been with myself. Getting to know myself better, and genuinely just excepting myself. Highly recommend staying single, self love is the best love.
first, damn, fuck that hypocrite and second, I'm really glad you've been able to do that. there's just this really toxic mentality common amongst people that you NEED to be in a relationship to be happy or complete, and it's so stressful I cut off all types of deep relationships when it distressed me then realized I was aroace, and I only kept my longterm partner who felt less like an obligation and more like someone close who supports and has fun with me. it really helped me self determine and grow and as I enter another close relationship, I'm better off for it cause now I'm capable of feeling fulfilled myself, and it makes the relationship so much less stressful
Starting to think that my monogamous relationship is unusual. We: - know each other very well, sometimes better than we know ourselves - have shared interests *and* seperate interests - have friends outside the relationship, of various genders - support each other and don't play weird controlling mind games You mean to tell me it isn't just boomers that are all "I hate my wife lol"?
The I hate my wife thing was more because they had to marry a woman if the woman wanted to keep the child that they were told is theirs OR because men were pressured after being with a woman for a few years to "make her an honest woman". So they were both essentially stuck together without wanting to be. This modern stuff is just wild...
my relationship is like this this too and so are all my friends' relationships and i DO think it's the norm. i think we need to remember that social media is not a reflection of what is normal. it's always the crazy ppl who are the loudest and garner the most attention. people in healthy relationships aren't going to post about their relationships talking about how healthy it is because they are secure in that relationship.
It *should* be the norm but it isn’t nowadays. My partner and I are the exact same way. And I was never treated well before him so I had a long night talk about it with him, that I didn’t understand *how* to be treated right, and this whole healthy relationship was new to me. He’s a very caring, patient and loving person. And I’m slowly starting to get use to be treated right.
I never understood the concept of not being allowed friends of the opposite gender when you're in a relationship. Like, what if I'm gay? Does that mean I'm not allowed to have friends of the same gender? What if I'm bi or pan? Am i not allowed to have friends at all????
I’m bi as well and the idea that I’d just fuck/be attracted to anyone and everyone infuriates me :D It has made me so insecure about making my friends uncomfortable because of my _potential_ attraction to them, especially with girls because they tend to be comfortable changing in front of me and stuff, and my immediate reaction in my head is just “SHIT DO THEY KNOW IM BI?? DID THEY FORGET?? I HOPE THEY WONT RETROACTIVELY FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE WHEN THEY FIND OUT IF THEY DONT” fortunately my friends are quite reasonable, and so far I haven’t had any friend actually act in the way I described. i actually asked a friend a couple days ago if my sexuality made her uncomfortable, and she said without hesitation “no, of course not.” so that was a huge relief
EXACTLYYYYY!!! Queer nonbinary here!! Are they really gonna tell me I can’t have friends with ANYONE, since someone of any gender could be into me? Wtf!
yeah actually. i was thinking about this. a long time ago i had a "partner" - things were complicate but yk - who, because i can be attracted to all genders, didn't like me talking or getting close with ANYONE. it was horrible and extremely isolating. Nick is right to call it abuse.
This feels like a good comment section to shout from the rooftops: you are not entitled to treating your partner like a ticking time bomb because you were cheated on by someone else in the past. I strongly recommend therapy and/or couples therapy as soon as you’re able if this is a problem for you.
It hurts more when you make a continuous and conscious effort not to, but they end up exploding all over you anyway :/ Gonna stay single for a while this time… I’m so done with people
I personally don’t even believe in concept of cheating. It shocks that anyone would be bothered by the thought of their partner enjoying themselves with someone else.
@@Estradiol_Gaming depends on the person, the boundaries and whether or not trust was violated. For me personally I’m non-monogamous if it’s something my partner and I share. My last ex was adamant that the boundaries of our relationship were closed, I found out later that they had been going behind my back and it hurt me. If they had done the same thing with my consent and knowledge I would have been okay and happy for them.
Tbh considering how much jealousy is normalized in monogamous relationships I'm gonna take a guess and ASSUME that these are not necessarily just ""jokes"" all the time... Maybe I'm just a clueless asexual but I've grown up with a bunch of people around me being in heterosexual monogamous relationships (beyond just what media portrays) and I've always found weird how extreme jealousy is encouraged or even expected.
Jealousy shouldn't be normalized but yet people think it is okay. Unhealthy amounts of Jealousy isn't okay but little bit can be reasonable. Honestly I am pansexual and been in past relationships. Jealousy did happen a few times but I never encourage it but this is coming from my own pov
@@delicatesmilesys yeah I understand how jealousy can happen. I just always thought that ~how much~ and to what extent it goes it's what makes a difference between a normal/ healthy relationship or a mess lol but that's all talk tho cuz I can't speak for people with actual experience ( also I didn't expect that many people to like my comment lol) so I appreciate your input.
The day I realised that mono relationships were just too draining for me personally was the day a partner admitted to feeling threatened by _my brother_ . Now, tbf, my bro & I do have a beautifully close relationship; he came after work every single day I was in the hospital for 2.5 weeks + stayed past visiting hours, we have dinner + shows/a movie once a week & often hang on the weekend, too, + sometimes I _do_ crash over in his bed when there's been too much wine to drive home, but we sleep top-to-tail & it's appropriately _completely familial_ . He's one of my favourite ppl, & given how sh!t my folks were, I feel blessed to have this wholesome, rewarding, loving relationship with him. _He's one of my 3 best friends_ . And when my BF said he was insecure about the intimacy of that connection, I had difficulty balancing compassion for his insecurity with my mortification over how he could _ever_ see arguably the most mentally chaste relationship in my life that way. I wound up having to say, "I love you, but he's all the family I've got, & our time together brings me joy. I can't give you what you're asking, I'm sorry," & we broke up. It's not that it was eating into our time together as a couple. He just didn't like how dearly connected we were. But _he's my brother_ , & he was here first. On first dates, I now lead with talking about our relationship, because that friggin' mentally scarred me, lol, & I never want to have that conversation again.
“how are you getting into relationships without knowing these things are you guys idiots”. bruh my parents married each other after just a year knowing each other and had me and my brother cause they wanted to hurry up and have kids. its these dumb societal expectations that leads to these toxic families and relationships the cycle just wont stop. my parents are divorced and my brother and i are stuck with the emotional damage 🙂
And then they're prolife too, because they usually got married so fast so they could have sex without going to hell. At least, that's how it is in the Bible belt
yeah i think i was conceived within a year of my parents knowing each other as well… my parents aren’t divorced (yet?) but honestly my mom should not have hurried cause BOY do they have some issues… mom deserves better
Part of me wonders if this rise in hyper-possessive and codependent relationships is due to how isolated everyone is. I feel like there just isn't as much friendship or camaraderie anymore, so people end up expecting too much from their romantic relationships since its the one kind of close relationship that's still acceptable.
Yeah that’s a good point! Food for thought. I def agree there isn’t enough emphasis on platonic relationships and having needs in platonic relationships
It sure also doesn't help that this posessiveness increased with the pandemic, since (atleast here in Germany) in 2021 during our longest lockdown abuse and even violence in relationships/households have spiked to an unprecedented degree.
@@TrainsReloaded Fellow German here to add that we kept up strict lockdown measures longer than a lot of US states, too, which means a stronger psychological effect. I've noticed that as we've been doing more shifts at the library instead of home office both customers and employees have become somewhat awkward and essentially have to re-learn how to socialise and integrate that into work life. Arguments and misunderstandings are really common now too, both online and irl.
“I do not value my romantic relationships over my friendships because I don’t think that there’s an intrinsic value of one over the other” THANK YOU Why is this so hard for people
can tell you it is 100% based in reality, an old friend of mine was in a toxic relationship like this, the guy went through her phone before they even started dating and after they started dating, like long after, he brings up how awful he felt that she was flirting and talking to other guys years before they had even met... like he scroll years back just to find SOMETHIGN..
@@Nameless-ny8nk literally... he did have similar ideals. he never took her seriously because he legitimately thought women were supposed to please men and made to be owned by men. by the end of their relationship he said that she'd never be able to actually leave him and that she'd be a used up whore. he said that he owned her because he took her virginity and how no other guy will want her and she'd never be able to please another guy because he already took her virginity and she was "used" already. I didnt believe these people were real until i met this man.. he smelt bad, hated his mother for being too nice and not giving him a harder life, borderline pedophilic, was proud to call himself a redditor and had a persona 5 addiction. i still cant believe people like this exist..
My aroace ass is so eternally confused by how possessive some people are over their partners. I have had multiple incidents with male friends where their girlfriends came and yelled at me for trying to steal their man, and dude and I are looking at each other like "bro we're like brother-sister tf is she on abt?" Usually coming out to girlfriend as being an eternal catlady works and she'll calm down. But still... it's weird. The joys of being aroace and loving to give ppl hugs /s
I feel like it all stems from fear of ending up alone honestly, most people go through life without doing much introspection so they're mostly driven by primal fear.
@@raviolik1273 I think it’s the combination of social pressure to be in a relationship and the desire for sex. Humans are social creatures, but romance or having sexual encounters is by no means necessary to fill that need.
@@pheonixrises11 of course but in its essence it all goes back to fear. Jealousy stems from this fear, being alone and rejected from the group meant you would die at some point in time, it's not that relevant now but the irrational fear is still there and manifest itself in the human relationships we deem most important atm (romantic ones for now). Social expectations are layers on top of it, making it worse of course.
this sort of thing definitely manifests in the lgbt community, i know some people dont trust bi/pan people because of the stereotypes of like "oh if they like twice or three times the amount of people then i have way more competition" or "oh theyre super promiscuous"
Ive had internalized biphobia along this sort of mindset before because of trauma being cheated on, ironically enough being bisexual myself. But I'd like to believe I'm not that kind of hateful person anymore ❤️🩹
My best friend is straight and is in a hetero marriage with her husband but I will say they have their shit together and she's mature enough to know when anger at he husband is justified or she's projecting her trauma onto him and she corrects it immediately if correction is needed. That being said my best friend is super woman in my eyes and is the exception to the norm.
Anxiety and jealousy are things you’re going to feel in a relationship sometimes but being able to talk through these things and set aside expectations is what’s must important.
Communication and consent plus trust are really important things to have in a relationship no matter if it’s romantic or platonic. If you have none of those it’s really concerning, I hope that you learn to build these things or leave the relationship if it’s getting unhealthy. (This is just general, not aimed at anyone)
My parents got married after two weeks of knowing each other. They are, unfortunately, still married. Please send help. I still have years before I can legally move out.
As a bi, poly person who still struggles to differentiate between what could be a relationship versus a friendship (especially after being led on multiple times by friends displaying sexual desire or physical affection like kissing me-) as well as struggling to maintain any friendships, I do wonder how I’ll have to relearn this all, and maybe my identity will change too - I’m just not sure about everything right now, but I hope that’s normal, and I hope if anyone is experiencing anything even remotely similar, that you get through it too and that it’s ok.
Sorry if this is rude, but if you're having trouble discerning between a relationship and a friendship can't you just ask? Just go "Wait a minute, is this just friendship or... ?" Also those friends sound a bit fucked up
I'm aroace but I also want romantic/sexual relationships.. or at least I _think_ I do but I'm not really sure If I _actually_ do because what sounds nice in my head might not be so nice in real life. It's difficult to figure out because no matter how much I think about it I need to experience the opportunity in order to be able to tell if it's what I want or not. This whole time I thought I was a nonbinary lesbian but now I feel like I don't care much for my gender and I don't know if I want a relationship at all. Queerplatonic relationships sound nice, but I'm not sure. I understand how confusing the "I don't know what I want" situation can be so I empathize with you on that wish you well on figuring it all out 👍💖
As a confused bisexual, it helps to figure out your boundaries. I at first was very flimsy with everything and had a “this is what we’re doing now? Cool” kind of energy and that left me with a heavy lack of boundaries and immense confusion because a person and I were not on the same page. Someone I saw in a platonic light was doing romantic shit with me and I passed it off because well maybe this is normal. Make a list. What are your limits with partners and friends? What do you require in friends and partners? What is the difference between those two relationships to you? It should get a little easier after you discern that
I was afraid that I gonna be condemned as a bad girlfriend, but thankfully I'm not the kind of monogamous being talked about here. Of course my partner can have friends of the gender of he is attracted too. He is still friends with some of his exes, and friends with benefits. That's all completely fine, because I trust my Boyfriend. Also it would be so much harder to play long running tabletop rpg campaigns if neither of us could be friends with people of a gender different to ourselves.
Of course, they aren’t talking about all monogamous people. Or even all straight people. There’s just been this weird kinda normalized possessive going on lately. Mainly with toxic monogamous straight people. I’m sure you and your boyfriend are fine; it sounds like you guys got a healthy thing going on.
@@SM-yz4hi They were friends with benefits before we got together and now they're just friends. He has only been intimate with me while we have been together. Sorry I wasn't very clear about that.
@@emny876 ah that makes sense. It’s great that you trust him even with people he’s been intimate with before. It feels like not a lot of people have that kind of maturity haha
Man, you have some pretty hair. I'm a man with pretty long and curly hair like that, but I have more of it, and It's a bit longer. How do you keep your hair so shiny? My boyfriend has hair that looks like yours, but It's really short. How do some of you do that? Lol. Also, I love your content dude. Oh and, I myself am poly, and I don't understand mono people lol. 💗💗💗 Hearts to you, my man. Have an amazing day
Here is how I do things, as a person with textured hair :) I use a sulfate free shampoo and a conditioner with no silicones. I don't style my hair with heat at all, because it's damaging long term. I use a little bit of leave in conditioner that helps define my curls. I avoid brushing my hair when it's dry, only when I'm detangling it in the shower, to avoid breakage.
Me being asexual, I actually thought this whole dating culture was all just an exaggeration for media and the fact that people actually think like this is lowkey frightening.
Omg fellow ace here as well, the first time this happened to me was not with sex thou not romance, I remember clearly being so shocked about a lot of women talking about their partners not making sure they finished or felt satisfied like them and my first thought was “isn’t it logical to make sure the person with you is also having a good time like you are?” (I was in high school and in my sex ed they didn’t even mentioned to us about consent but I always assumed this was basic knowledge to people) and now on the beginning on my 20s I only start to realize romance (or the culture we fabricated socially on what romantic love is) it’s not that different from that experience in my teen years
yeahh i saw someone say that in a comment section and the amount of likes it had maddened me. i feel like they didn’t even understand what polyam meant.
the misconception of polyamory = cheating is so insulting as someone who is poly myself. Polyamory never supports cheating instead it’s all about building trust,communication and asking consent always to partners , that was always the foundation of it, I just want to love multiple people in peace leave polyam people alone.
I'm not even interested in polygamous relationships and I can tell anyone the difference. In a polygamous relationship, all parties know about it and want to be in that type of relationship. Cheating is when one party in a relationship is lied to about the other party's romantic or sexual pursuits
It is lol, sorry if this is a projection but if you fall for someone and they emotionally claim to be monogamous and only want you then manipulate you to be alright with them being with other people and shame you for not being alright with it is 100% cheating, it’s not a mutual acceptance of seeking more. It’s a forced perspective and a controlling possessive abuse. a lot of polygamous people are hypocritical in the matter that they’ll check their partners phone and barate them about people they’re friends with, and force them to block people, all the while, they’re the ones flirting with other dudes and having a secondary relationship. polygamous people need to realize that the other person is a person aswell and that they need to be respected.
@@jimbo0386 “Polyamory: the practice of engaging in multiple romantic (and typically sexual) relationships, with the consent of all the people involved.” I literally just Googled it. I did not claim to be monogamous. Neither verbally nor “emotionally.” I told him I had a girlfriend, too, and he was like, “ok” cuz he’d still be dating me. If he said no, I would’ve let him. Also, Straight Monogamous People tend to have a possessive streak to the point where the only person the victim is allowed to see is themself. “Isolate her from her loved ones.” The point is that the cheater is an abusive unhealthy asshole who feels like being with other women without her consent is a-ok. Straight People have a tendency to do that, anyway. Anyway, there’s also the thing where, in fandom, poly shipping is ALL over the place. Like Naruto Harems. And shipping Sasuke, Sakura, and Naruto in a poly. Is THAT cheating?
Trust isn't a requirement for love. Put it in different context. If a family member you love that does something that causes you to lose your trust in them do you also stop loving that person? That's like saying that people who have trust problems aren't capable of love, or shouldn't love people because of those problems. Not trying to pick a fight, just trying to show a different perspective on the relationship between love and trust.
As someone who still hasn't beat this habit, its more of a physical attraction to obsession pipeline rather than love. Sometimes people find someone physically attractive and in a caveman sort of way see the need to be in a relationship to "own" that person, it's hoe trophy wife/husband came to be a thing. It's definitely not healthy, but sadly it is common.
« cringe straight people way » ur so progressive and kind!!!! You expect straight ppl to support you for being lgbtq but will insult them whenever you get the chance. Rational behavior :D
I have been cheated on in both my past relationships, but I do not act possessive or controlling over my current boyfriend because - believe it or not - I fully trust him. Also I have grown up with abusive and controlling parents, and I do not *ever* want to put him through anything like that.
I may never understand monogamous (straight) people. I'm pan (afab) and my girlfriend is pan. We both have interests in others. Me and my gf even will see two people we like and act like who will get who if we did date others. My girlfriend has also asked us to be in a poly relationship before. Thing is, I have BPD and I don't think I could ever manage that. So I told her that. As much as we both experience attraction to others and wanting a poly relationship, it is not something our relationship could handle. So we both agreed we're only okay with that when it's with sexual experiences like foursomes together, nothing romantic. And considering I have a huge fear of cheating, I was so terrified, but I still let my girlfriend do what she want because it's MY problem. Even if it hurts, I decided that if it happens then it happens and nothing I ever did wold ever change that. If she ends up cheating on me, then I couldn't prevent that and being possessive and controlling would probably just drive her to cheat so she would have someone who treats her better. Now when I get worried, I let her know I'm feeling a bit insecure and she reassures me. It is absolutely so easy and the fact that most monogamous and straight relationships can't do that is so scary. I worry for anyone in those relationships. My gf and I weren't always healthy, but we both worked out our issues and grew up and got help. We both have trauma and problems we had to work on that hurt the other. My friend is in a poly relationship with her boyfriend and she's never been in one before. She's ace and they're not. Honestly, it's one of the chillest relationships ever. We're only like 20 and seeing people that look older than us act so unhealthy is so terrifying. Please don't treat your partner in such a way. I really worry for anyone in relationships like that. I know my ex boyfriend was like that (he pressured me into a relationship anyway.) You all deserve someone that will listen to you and work with you through problems and issues.
@@idk-vx7vm It isn't that they're not jealous. Being poly means you can have an open relationship with consent. You both agree on a partner or are okay with your partner having a partner (or more.) Just because someone is in a poly relationship doesn't mean cheating can't happen. If they go behind the partner's back and have an affair with another person, that's still cheating because they never discussed it with their partner. Poly relationships are about being open, honest, and communicating as well as benefiting all the needs of those involved. If there's deceit or lies then it isn't okay. And jealousy can happen in poly relationships. That's how I know that I can't have one, my BPD makes me feel things intensely and leaves me feeling unstable so as much as I would like to be in a poly relationship with my gf and another person, I cannot. Cheating is destroying the trust that a person had. Most people in poly relationships aren't typically jealous if it's a healthy one because they discuss things and work through it and trust. While some people will be manipulated into a "poly" relationship just for the one person to have "consensual" affairs. An example I can think of is Onision where he was always angry about his partners interacting and pretty much he just wanted to be able to have sex with multiple people. If the poly relationship comes with one or more people feeling unloved or miserable, then that isn't okay and isn't what being poly is about. Nobody wants to be cheated on and any kind of deceit, manipulation, or lying instantly makes it an unhealthy relationship. Someone can still fear cheating, but put their trust in someone and have an open, poly relationship. Besides, most people will end up in poly relationships around people they know rather than just finding a stranger and getting to know them, at least what's what I believe. My gf wanted someone who was her friend to join us. I have a friend of mine I'd like to join if I could handle it. I hope this explained it well enough. /gen
I totally relate to wanting a poly relationship but being too jealous. With my recent ex I would get jealous very easily, but it had nothing to do with them. I didn't take it out on them and act controlling. It's freaky that these straight monogamous relationships seem to normalize this abusive behavior.
opening up about insecurities and asking for reassurance should be more normalized. so many people fish for compliments or project their insecurities instead and it honestly helps no one. I’d much rather tell someone “no, you’re actually really beautiful and of course I don’t care about (insert insecurity)” or “of course I love you and I want to be with you” than being backed into a corner until i say what they want to hear and beg them to believe me. and it can’t feel better on the receiving end either, cause it’s less genuine when you feel forced to say something
I think the getting into romantic relationships when they're just horny thing comes from purity culture somewhat. A lot of people feel that hookups are "cheap" so they jump into relationships with people they don't know or don't agree with just to take the guilt away.
thank you so much for making this video. I can admit that I have engaged with these behaviors a lot throughout my 2.5 year relationship. My issues are rooted in insecurity, but I think that's pretty self-explanatory. I get really jealous of my partner's friends of the opposite sex, until I meet them, realise they're always really lovely women , and usually end up becoming friends with them myself. I would never ask them to stop being friends with any of them though, because that crosses a line in my eyes. Over the past few months I have really been trying to deconstruct my toxicity, and actively trust my partner more, and I'm noticing a definite increase in my mental health, and the overall quality of our relationship, but I'm not perfect yet. Thank you for making this video, it's definitely something I needed to hear a long time ago, and will help a lot of people in my situation
wow… It was really interesting hearing the thought process behind these behaviors. I’m also super glad you took the time to reflect and work on these behaviors, given how it helps your relationship and mental health. You should be proud of yourself for how far you’ve come!
@@thesleepydot thank you so much!! I'm trying my best with soothing my anxiety whenever my partner mentions a new friend who is a girl, but my body and mind do still go straight into panic mode ahaha. I think it's also important to note that I am autistic, and I'm learning more about how that impacts my everyday life- I've realized I'm really prone to getting fixed on certain thoughts for months, even years on end, in an almost OCD-like fashion. And I made the mistake of obsessively watching these relationship tiktoks, which spouted takes such as "If he's not posting you, he doesn't think ur worth being shown off", and "A man cannot have a purely platonic relationship with an attractive woman. If your boyfriend has a lot of girl friends, he wants to have sex with them" (yes, those are real ones lol). Being the slightly gullible autistic girl I am, I obsessively read these takes, because I thought these women had authority to speak on these issues, and I struggled with seeing the grey area in what they were saying. I also had a friend a few years ago who prided herself in being able to have any man she wanted- including those whose who were taken. I saw so many men cheat on their girlfriends immediately when they realized they had a chance with her, then go on to treat their girlfriends like princesses the next day. If I'm being honest, what helped the most, was focusing on building confidence in my appearance and personality- all the areas I thought my partner would leave me for, and practicing believing them when they say they love me. I also started working with a therapist on challenging negative core beliefs about myself and the world around me, and cutting off friends like my ex friend above lol. To any women who struggle with jealousy like I do, those tips above are what I would recommend to improve xx
@@fairycinna i don’t know how to express, without sounding repetitive, that I’m super glad you shared this haha. It’s great to hear how you’ve been coping and I’m happy for you! I can also agree that building self-confidence is helpful and great in general (I’m trying to build myself up as well currently. I think I’ve come a long way especially in term of gaining confidence in my appearance, but there’s still room for improvement :)) If you’re receptive to tips, I would also recommend opening up about your insecurities to your partner and friends. From personal experience I know it can be very scary, but getting the reassurance you need and deserve has always been worth it for me, and good friends and partners should be open to reminding you that you are loved, worthy and such :)
@@thesleepydot thank you so much!! it's brilliant that you've been able to build up confidence in the way you look, do you have any tips? I find that clothing pieces that accentuate the features I was previously insecure about helps more than trying to cover them up (for me). It helps me believe there is nothing to be ashamed of about my body
Am a pansexual girl in a relationship with a straight guy, and instead of hating his female friends and feeling jealous, I simply turned friends with them too, I think it makes the relationship a lot more harmonic and fun
From a female perspective, i find it really interesting how aggressive a lot of guys are with this sort of thing. Women do this garbage controlling shit too, obviously, but as showcased in these reels they tend to be a lot more manipulative and sneaky about it, as opposed to the overt and domineering behavior of a lot of guys. I also think it's really funny when men like this tell their girlfriends that they can't have guy friends, but if the girl is bi then they'll either immediately take that as "oh sweet, now i get to have a bunch of hot kinky sex with multiple women" or just not care. This way of thinking is so nonsensical, but it's so ingrained into almost all media that portrays any sort of romance that it's not too surprising.
Domestic abuse is universal. Monogamy. Polyamory. Queer. Straight. TFT. WLW. MLM. No matter who you are or what your romantic relationships look like in abuse is not ok.
One thing that bugs me about some of this, as an aro person at least, is that I don't see kissing and cuddling as romantic gestures. I do that kind of thing with my close friends, because to me, affection isn't a sign of romantic or sexual attraction, and is just a way to build or signify closeness. I have a long-term, serious QPP/boyfriend (who is totally cool with me sharing that kind of affection with my friends) but I get a looooot of questions and "concerns" from family and non-close friends about how I'm cheating/if my BF is jealous/why I'm allowed to have (insert literally any gender here because I'm bi) friends if I'm going to kiss and cuddle with them. Like... Not everyone functions the way you do? It also makes me viscerally angry when people assume friends of the opposite sex automatically want a relationship/sex with you, like, what? Maybe it's because I'm queer and have friends of every gender/sexuality and therefore don't assign people random assumptions about their feelings towards me.
does QQP stand for queerplatonic partner? also, I’m bi as well and the idea that I’d just fuck/be attracted to anyone and everyone infuriates me :D It has made me so insecure about making my friends uncomfortable because of my _potential_ attraction to them, especially with girls because they tend to be comfortable changing in front of me and stuff, and my immediate reaction in my head is just “SHIT DO THEY KNOW IM BI?? I HOPE THEY WONT RETROACTIVELY FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE WHEN THEY FIND OUT” fortunately my friends are quite reasonable, and so far I haven’t had any friend actually act in the way I described ah and also also… i wish cuddling and other “romantic” gestures would be more normalized in non-romantic relationships. it’s so weird to me how aggressively abrupt the “curve” between being strangers and being sexual/romantic partners is in a lot of cishet relationships. why is it that so many people dont even hold hands before they get in a relationship, but the MOMENT they are in a rom/sexual relationship they have sex and make out all the time and just do EVERYTHING ALL THE TIME AHHHH like it makes me appreciate queer relationships where the line between friends and lovers is a LOT more blurred and like just natural? smooth progression y’know?
@@thesleepydot Yes that's what QPP stands for! I prefer to call mine my boyfriend but technically speaking he's more of a best friend that I have sex with. Of course I'm in love with him, but not in the strictly romantic sense. I think that's hard for a lot of people to grasp.
Small point about the first clip it's not just the possessiveness but specifically that the possess of this only works one way the guy said they are mature enough to not be possessive and then immediately said the opposite thing about the question in reverse
I’ve recently been seeing a clip going around of this guy who appears to be on a podcast or something and he’s saying that in his opinion if he’s in a relationship with a girl and she has an instagram then he considers it cheating and that is so fucking mind boggling to me. Like I don’t even know where to start with understanding how he thinks that. It makes me so angry that some people think that as soon as you get into a relationship you have no other personal life and your life should revolve around that one relationship.
meanwhile my bf and i used to do full on photo shoots for pictures that i posted on instagram 😂 get a man that supports your interests and doesn't shame them
I honestly don’t care if I’m in a poly or mono relationship. I donno what I would call that, either way if someone values me as a partner. I will cherish that person.
That’s a pretty solid point actually. Like, it could just be a sign that he cannot show decency or time of day to person of the opposite gender unless it’s a romantic relationship.
I think this should be re-framed as "no woman friends, and strictly male friends". Because I don't have any female friends.. but I don't have any male friends either. I do not spend deliberate time on people to either talk to them or bond with them. It is my personal choice. But, even so, I don't think being male having no female friends (only male friends) means anything. I believe there is many viable reasons why this might occur, besides "reD FLag MIsoGyNist". In fact, I'll turn it up to eleven and I'll say that thinking that they are misogynist is actually a destructive and harmful accusation, which, hopefully, you understand to keep your thoughts to yourself.
@@cutekirby360 As someone that is quite the lone wolf too I have to disagree, I have seen myself that in most cases men that do not have woman friends or even interact with them are indeed pretty misogynistic, as you said it cannot be something that immediately points out for that to be the case but I wouldn’t blame anyone if they do not put their guard down if they realize this about a man
My bestie (straight) has been in this relationship with this guy she’s known for a few months and like I ask her about him and what does he like and what do you do together and she can never tell me anything interesting about this man other than he’s nice and kind and polite and it’s like how do you not know anything about him like his favorite foods and hobbies and interests just anything??? I could literally talk about my girlfriend all day and everything she likes and all her little mannerisms and quirks because I want to know everything about her
I'm a monogamous straight cis woman and I couldn't agree more.😤 These people must have some weird trust issues from what people have taught them about relationships or something🤔 I mean not having FRIENDS OF THE OPPOSITE GENDER???? Grow up, please.🙄
The fact some people need to be told that they should know the person before marriage and that there have been cases where a man wanted a divorce because he saw his wife without makeup for the first time,, I'm scared for the Straights. Then there's friends I had in high school who went out with people known for cheating and when this was pointed out they were like "they've changed!" only to get cheated on a month later. Yeah. Like, I feel bad but how did you not see that coming?
I think part of the reason why possessiveness in straight monogamous relations is more prevalent is the fact that many straight people are often raised with the idea that the opposite sex is “another species” and shit like that. So instead of talking out their concerns with their partner and reaching a reasonable conclusion, they go to the extreme to control them instead. It’s the same kind of thinking that often reduces the opposite sex into animalistic creatures with the implication being that they have to be “controlled” or “tamed” in some way (at best, it’s implied, at worst it’s explicitly encouraged and treated as gospel [ex: “alpha male” pick-up artists]). And the heteronormativity that often goes along with this advice really cements the idea that this is the *only* way to go about a relationship.
I agree with the sentiment that it's not healthy to be uncomfortable or unable to handle your partner having friends of the opposite sex, but I also think it's unfair to say that people who struggle with that shouldn't be in relationships. Some of the comments I'm reading feel as though people are saying that those of us with trauma and mental health problems relating to insecurity and trust issues shouldn't or don't deserve to be in relationships. That until we're "fixed" (using quotes not because I don't think it's something that should be worked on, but because I dislike the sentiment that we're broken rather than sick) we shouldn't have a partner, we should be alone. If I waited until I wasn't mentally ill and struggling I'd be single forever. Again, not an argument saying that this level of insecurity is healthy or ok, it's totally not, just dislike the idea that those of us like this should be alone. Also the complete the lack of empathy for people who have these problem (really not a fan of being called immature and compared to children). What if we don't have access to help, are we doomed to forever be alone because of our lack of acess to help and the inability to recover and change without help. Just trying to throw some different perspectives out there. Again, this isn't healthy behavior but there's also no need to demonize and look down on people for having these problems. To clarify I'm not saying people are explicitly saying that traumatized or mentally ill people shouldn't be in relationships. What I wanted was to bring attention to people who have these problems because of mental health/trauma. Remember that when you mock and criticize people who exhibit specific behavior your also mocking and criticizing people who are like this because of mental health. I already struggle with feeling as though I'm undeserving of love and shouldn't have a partner because I'm too broken. So reading these kinds of comments only helps to solidify those feelings. I'm sure this isn't people's intentions, but intentions alone don't prevent words from causing harm. Oh and side note, there's no denying that as a culture we've encouraged this type of thinking and behavior in healthy people too, I mean just look at Hollywood and the toxic media they churn out.
I totally agree with you, yet I also feel like the overwhelming sentiment in the comments isn’t “people with insecurities/trust issues shouldn’t be in relationships” …but rather “if you are insecure/have trust issues, don’t make it your partner’s responsibility and don’t project your insecurities.” maybe we’ve come across different comments tho, idk. you still make great points. by the way, of course you are deserving of love!!
@@selfcompassionate That makes me real happy to hear. I know that my take on this is kind of unpopular, but all the more reason why I wanted to express it here.
I forget what my mother and I were dicussing beforehand, but one time when I was in like 7th grade, I asked her "But isn't trust the most important part of a relationship?" Her response? "That depends on how naive you are." MA'AM YOU'RE MARRIED WITH 3 CHILDREN AND YOU THINK IT'S NAIVE TO TRUST YOUR PARTNER???
this whole video is spot on, but that point abt people getting into relationships with people who you dont know is so weird to me as well. like ????? you dont even know them ????? its so so weird to me. anyone ive liked is someone ive known/been super close to for around a year minimum. i think the fastest ever was like 6 months into knowing them, but we talked EVERY DAY and were best friends. i have no clue how people decide they know someone enough to be in a romantic relationship with them when they have literally just met each other
i feel like ppl are confusing dating and relationships in a lot of the examples in the video bc dating is when you are getting to know someone by hanging out together but you aren't exclusive or have a label yet and a relationship is the next step from there actually putting a label on things and making a commitment. but also idk i could be wrong and these ppl really ARE getting into full on relationships with people they barely know
Well, I am polygamous person... And I get , that some people are happy to have monogamous relationships with their partners. Possessive behavior, however, isn`t healthy... Thanks for this video. Very relatable and informative. I know someone who needs to listen to "they can make their own decisions " part.
Some people just don’t want their partner to hurt them. Sometimes being “possessive” when you’re telling your polygamous partner to please not mess around with other people and shove it in your face and be toxic is a reflection of the other person not the person being possessive
I see jokes on TikTok all the time like “he’s not allowed to have a girl best friend 🤪🤪” and the comments are always in agreement and I’m just like, what?? Why are we normalizing this toxic mentality? In conclusion, THANK YOU FOR THIS VIDEO
I've actually seen some of the things mentioned in this video in high school and it's very concerning to say the least. We did our gender and sexuality unit in sociology class a few months ago, and some of the student-submitted questions the class answered had to do with their romantic partner's friend groups, 'body counts'/past relationships, and social media. The majority of the class is straight (To my knowledge at least; I'm not exactly friends with any of them, but just about everyone who participated at least showed interest in the opposite gender) and monogamous (Found out the latter after asking a question about polyamory, to which everyone responded that it's not for them or similar sentiments). I heard a lot of the same possessive and untrusting things that were went over in the video, and I was genuinely bewildered that most of my peers expressed those opinions and beliefs. As similar responses were being made over the three or so days we went over the discussion questions, I started to get really uncomfortable and worried. Everyone in the class- including myself- are either juniors or seniors, which means that A) they've most likely held these thoughts for at least a few years, meaning they've learned and accepted this behavior since freshman or sophomore year, if not earlier, and B) they're going to go into adulthood carrying these same beliefs, which will most likely then continue to be spread by them to their kids/peers/friends/family/whatever unless something changes their mindset. The fact that so many students of different backgrounds and lifestyles expressed similar ideologies sorta showed me that this isn't just something you'd find from a random creep or an established abuser- this is pervasive enough in the US's society that it's learned and adopted by teenagers, some of which may have never even been in a relationship before.
11:53 I think it's a good, but sad post. A testament to how a lot of straight people really do follow this expected timeline of getting married to whoever you're dating for a relatively serious amount of time in your 20s-30s so you can have biological babies before you're "too old." It becomes a sunk cost fallacy of "Wait, you wanted three kids, large house, and living near your parents? I wanted one kid, expensive car, and living in a city so I can get a better job. Too late, I guess we'll decide whatever is most convenient or whatever I want and can wear you down into acceptance." Also, how many straight couples will decide to get married before living together and/or before knowing each other's true finances, so they'll talk about joining finances for years but then just suddenly find out that their partner has a ton of debt and takes money from the joint bank account for impulse purchases (like the expensive car).
I have had so many issues with this kind of thing being in relationships with men. It’s been difficult for me going from a very non-jealous relationship with healthier dynamics in that vein with another woman to some of the toxic behaviors cishet people are taught about how their partner should be. It’s been straight up toxic to the point that I would be shamed for expressing that I found a fictional character attractive or speaking well of an ex at all. These kinds of jokes are rooted in real life consequences because these people are always like “wow this is relatable” instead of making fun of these ridiculous standards
THANK YOU. it pisses me off, relationships are built on trust, communication, and boundaries. without any single one of these, its kinda set up to fail.
i’m afab non-binary(they/them), but assumed to be a woman by people. and i have more guy friends than girl friends. and the number of ppl who assume they’re all “hitting” is… astonishing. it’s literally so ridiculous. i’m bisexual and no one asks if my girl friends are “more” even tho we act sm more lovingly than w my guy friends. some ppl literally assume i’m a th0t or s1!t or whatever just bc i have guy friends. it’s wild out here fr, heteronormativity has made some ppl genuinely believe guys and girls can’t be friends
This is why no one is allowed to ask me out if they haven't known me for a year. I'm tired of people prioritizing lust over actually caring for another person's well being.
I agree with you so much on this. I tried out being in a poly relationship and figured out I did not care for that, so I identify as monogamous. However, I'm more of the philosophy of being romantically monogamous. I'm very much for consensual non-monogamy when the other people involved aren't romantic partners, but just friends you have a good time with. I'm very open to inviting a third for something, or having friends specifically that we're allowed to do things with and be comfortable with that. And the key thing being consensual. I want rules, I want contracts, I want to know that my partner respects me and our relationship. Communication is very much key to this, but also to literally every other kind of relationship. For the love of all that is good, talk to your partner(s)!!! Edit: All of that jealousy shit is part of why I refuse to date anyone under the age of 25 (I'm 28) because I absolutely cannot stand that lmao. My current partner is older than me and can I just say that the maturity with relationships is soooo refreshing after dealing with tinder bullshit for years.
As an AroAce I went through this video with the single thought of ".....People act like this?? What's the point?" and all I can say is I understand heteronormative people even less than I did before.
I think the sound from that first tiktok is from an account where the bit is about double standards, not actually jealousy, as it is in all their tiktoks. Gross that it was used for actual jealous stuff :/
I’ve been in a monogamous relationship for 25 years and there was a brief breakup that included a third person. Ultimately, it ended up being an understandable situation and I 100% trust my partner, who has friendships with other women that I know about and endorse because they help him in ways I can’t. I don’t look at my partner as my property and even if he “cheated,” I wouldn’t automatically end things like so many people say. The only reason I ever log into his phone is to go change the device name as a prank. (The first time I did it was while he was picking up a new car and he was so confused, thinking that one of the sales staff had their phone connected to his new car…lol.) we have access to each other’s stuff solely to help each other out or deal with emergencies. He doesn’t go digging around mine and I don’t dig around his. I don’t know how people have time and energy for all that nonsense. All that is to say there are *some* healthy monogamous relationships among us straights in the world. But it’s wild how many people have super concerning beliefs about relationships. Oof.
I became friends with my ex's best friend while me and my ex were dating. He turned round to me and said, and I quote, "I'm worried you'll cheat on me with my best friend, because I'm a bad boyfriend. I trust you 100% but I don't trust him". Several things are wrong with that statement and I quickly left the relationship after that.
another thing thats super gross to me is that ive met straight men who freak out abt their gfs having male friends, yet if their gf cheated on them with a women theyd just be like "lol thats hot"
I agree 100%. I have realized this for a while and no one is talking about it. It’s so stupid how people in relationships care so much about who the other person is hanging out with and even when. Like it should matter if the person has friends of the opposite sex. If someone cares about that so much they are controlling and untrusting of the other person. When you are in a relationship you have to trust the other person. I hate the stupid tiktok trend where the person is like “let me see your phone” and the other person doesn’t want to show then and the other person just assumes they are hiding something. Like you wouldn’t want your parents to go through you phone would you? It’s the same thing. I dated a guy a few years ago and he was so happy I wasn’t like this, and we were literally the least jealous couple ever. He even apologized when he found other people attractive but I explained to him that it doesn’t matter and that I don’t care. And people need to understand it’s fine to be aesthetically and platonically attracted to the opposite sex when your in a relationship.
Before my parents moved in together, my dad's roommate was a woman, and to this day she is still his best friend. My mom (because she's a normal human being) has no issue with this and my parents have been happily married for more than 20 years. Literally there is no reason to control your partner's friends, it puts strain on relationships at best and leads to abusive situations at worst
One of the things I've seen that I just cannot wrap my head around is this overplayed scenario that's beginning to become a cliche: Person 1: *cheats on Person 2 with Person 3* Person 2: *finds out about it* Person 2: *goes and beats the everloving shit out of Person 3 without talking to them, seeing if they knew about Person 1's other relationship, and not knowing the situation at all.*
Ok so I’m straight monogamous and I feel very boring lol. First of all, I totally agree all the jokes mentioned in the video are disgusting. But I think it’s ok to sometimes feel insecure about some of the opposite-sex friends your partner has? (And I draw a line between feeling insecure and feeling like your partner has no right to spend time with anyone except you) I mean, jealousy is still a thing and I perfectly realise it only happens because of my low self esteem, but the fact that I have insecurities and mental health issues doesn’t mean I’m not grownup enough to be in a relationship, does it? As long as you communicate it all in a healthy way, I think it’s fine.
I'm happy to see you coming up more on my TH-cam home page, you always have something valid to say. I think the problem is everyone tries to slap the joke label on something to explain it away. Jokes are based on mostly true experience or a version of the truth, even if it isn't the "joke teller's" experience it's still an experience many people face with their partners.
11:38 dude that image baffles me.... you're telling me you don't know any of these things about your partner.... yet you claim you love and you wanna marry them?? and have KIDS??? what do you even love about this person?? you don't even know them wtf. Is your definition of love just "we have our status as 'in a relationship' on Facebook and we fuck sometimes"
another discussion i saw lately, that i find very weird is people demonizing long term dating without marriage and how the man isn't serious if he didn't decide to propose. it gets weird to the point where people tell them to break up and act like they know the relationship better than the actual people involved
as a kid i would go on instagram back when they had those awful meme accounts and would always see memes portraying relationships like this so i legitimately thought that was how relationships were like for the longest time
I've always hated this attitude, these people are in their mid 20's and yet I know 16 year-olds with healthier relationships. What if their partner's bi? Are they just not allowed friends?
My partner and I consider ourselves monogamous, but we also leave space to breathe and live our lives. I've never understood the possessiveness that the people around us have. If you can't talk about the pretty person you saw at the coffee shop or the time you spend with friends because of jealousy, you start slowly cutting off communication lines, and the whole relationship goes to shit because you don't trust each other. There is no reason to feel the need to control someone you trust or be with someone you can't trust. Ever.
exactly!! my bf and i have been together for over 2 years and in those two years never have either of us felt like we couldn't talk ab celebrity crushes or our exes or anything like that. especially once he got me into kpop like.. how could i NOT simp for some of these kpop idols lol and he feels the same way
im literally aroace and in a * ROMANTIC * relationship that is healthier than any of the shit ive seen like ??? ive known my boyfriend for ~5 years before we started dating and i love him more than anything, i cant imagine my future w/out him in it ... meanwhile some of the cishets i know go thru 3, even 4 guys a month and say "i love you" to all of them as if dating someone automatically means you love them ... sometimes things just dont work and yet they tend to expect their new partner to be forever w/out even knowing their fav color im ??? moral of the story: heal + learn to love yrself before trying to love others
Me aggressively agreeing with this eating my Milano cookies. Also planning on just ranting abt this to the guy I like and if he agrees then I will continue liking him, if he disagrees I will try to get over him as soon as possible! Nick, legit love your content! I always have the type of thoughts your videos are based on, just never think about it too much. And also, we love being asexual so I just simply don't think with my "metaphorical dick" :)
The idea men and women can't be friends really comes down to the man and the woman in question. One of my best friends is a woman and I wouldn't allow a woman to tell me I can't be friends with her. If one of her guy friends has feelings for my girlfriend, I wouldn't want him around her if I was her boyfriend tbh. Orbiters exist for men and women.
I’m very glad you made this video, because I’ve been thinking about this lately. The way we view relationships and the way we view platonic and romantic relationships in relation to each other (we being this general society) is concerning, and uncomfortable, and annoying.
I remember when i first watched Nick because my friend was sharing his videos and found him intimidating. Now, i think of him as a big brother i never had.
As a bi person, I accept that my marriage means that I cannot have any friends😔 (Really though, my husband is supportive of my relationships with my friends, and it's great. We trust each other..)
Being the average asexual enjoyer alleviates my life of such benign struggles
ah yes, we aces are above these meagre problems
Indeed, I am immune to such folly. Mwahahah!
yes we asexual aromantics are high above such low issues
Yup, gotta love being a god
Indeed, hear hear!
„How you get into a relationship with people you don’t know” FRICKIN THIS! I’m a lesbian with mostly straight female friends. They lowkey laught at me for texting with a girl for a month before going on a date with her. But they don’t find it absolutely unhinged if one of them is suddenly in a relationship with a dude she met once and they talked for TWO DAYS. One date with a complete stranger and she is not single anymore. And later she is in big shock when he turns out to be a creep.
This is hilarious to me bc of the lesbian stereotype type of us jumping into relationships really quickly 😭 I love how your friend group turns that on its head!
@@thegillmachine yeah idk i’m just a „no bs, no surprises” type of person and treat talking to potential partner like a job interview 💀 not very romantic but better safe than sorry lol
Your friend, gets with someone within 48 hours: I sleep
You, trying to get to know someone overtime before dating: I WAKE
@@edgaranalhoe7678 Imo it’s more romantic to get to know someone. Way less romantic to go “I just met you but we’re in a relationship now”. I blame Disney for making people think that’s romantic
@@edgaranalhoe7678 I’m definitely the same I spent a whole year talking to a girl before I finally agreed to date her
ever since i started noticing it, the sheer force of possessiveness among modern day relationships absolutely terrifies me. it makes no sense and is just fucked up in so many ways. i just-why???
even goes back further than modern day- yeesh
And the way it's romantasized too
i think that this boils down to seeing relationships as capitalistic competition. everyone is always “on the market”, constantly being evaluated on how lovable they are. it’s not about personal connection, it’s about valuable exchange. so, naturally, you want to protect “property” that you acquired.
edit: typo
I think it comes down to an expectation of reliance; ppl have normalised wanting your partner to be _emotionally dependant_ on you as being a healthy thing, rather than controlling. So any ancillary connections from which they derive support & emotional reward are seen as a potential threat to the romantic one.
At its fundament, it's toxic AF, but it's so normalised that even otherwise non-abusive partners accept it unexaminedly as an innocent social more. And then when the object of affection shows any sort of loyalty & attachment to those long-standing social connections that they're now being arbitrarily asked to step back from or cut off entirely, _they_ are seen as transgressing the romantic contract, & viewed with unhappiness + distrust.
The irony is that ppl _need_ other deep, rewarding, but also challenging relationships to teach them the skills to be a kind, healthy, conflict-resolution-capable partner in the first place.
I don't understand the assumption that everybody is born already equipped for healthy long term relationships. I can honestly relate to being borderline incapable of trusting a partner. I cannot, however, relate to seeking a partner anyway and feeling entitled to them dealing with my unresolved issues. I feel like being single should be considered our natural state no matter what stage of life we're in. Relationships take certain skills. Not everyone is qualified at any given moment. That's not that complicated.
and the assumption we need to seek out a relationship to begin with. aro people exist as well, and sometimes it's better to be single if it's happier rather than stressing yourself by always entering one
Yeah, as someone who definitely is in a bad way mental health wise, in a relationship with someone who's the same, we're willing to help each other, but our own issues aren't each other's *responsibility*, it's ultimately our own work to do, not each other's work.
I really like this take
If life was more communal being single would be more bearable. I've decided to be single but it's hard not having anyone to depend on
that’s very mature and true
female: why can't i have male friends?
guy: because they all want to sleep with you.
me:
my asexuality: *are you sure about that?*
This one did upset me too and I'm allosexual. Like, being attributed sexual intentions since I'm like 10 always made me feel weird. People need to stop assigning men sexual intentions all the time.
to me, this idea of people who can be attracted to specific genders automatically wanting to fuck anyone of those genders always made me uncomfortable because I’m BISEXUAL. Like what are you saying?? That i indiscriminately wanna fuck anyone and everyone?? and worse than that, it made me really afraid that my _potential_ attraction to them will make them uncomfortable, so around girls I’ve learned to actively avoid acting too touchy-feely, or being too vocal about how i think they’re beautiful (not necessarily because I’m attracted to them, some people are just very good at dressing, doing makeup, taking care of themselves etc) and others. just a couple days ago i had to ask a friend if i ever made her feel uncomfortable because of my sexuality. she fortunately and without hesitation said “no”, but it sucks that this toxic mentality that some people have has made me insecure. of course I’ll work on it by myself too, but i can’t really change how other people feel about my sexuality and gender so…
ps. sorry for getting so heated, your joke made me chuckle but it also got me thinking about my own experiences :)
homosexual/gay men, aromantic + asexual men, etc.: are you sure about that?
that also implied that he wants to sleep with his female friends
I agree 1000%. I actually broke up with a partner because of this. They continuously asked to look through me phone, because they hated I had a lot of guy friends (they knew this, because I told them that in the beginning). I told them I would never cheat, and long story short, they cheated first...
So I've just been with myself. Getting to know myself better, and genuinely just excepting myself. Highly recommend staying single, self love is the best love.
first, damn, fuck that hypocrite and second, I'm really glad you've been able to do that. there's just this really toxic mentality common amongst people that you NEED to be in a relationship to be happy or complete, and it's so stressful
I cut off all types of deep relationships when it distressed me then realized I was aroace, and I only kept my longterm partner who felt less like an obligation and more like someone close who supports and has fun with me. it really helped me self determine and grow and as I enter another close relationship, I'm better off for it cause now I'm capable of feeling fulfilled myself, and it makes the relationship so much less stressful
🙌🙌🙌 loving yourself is life
pro tip if someone is absolutely convinced you are cheating that may be because they are cheating
Starting to think that my monogamous relationship is unusual. We:
- know each other very well, sometimes better than we know ourselves
- have shared interests *and* seperate interests
- have friends outside the relationship, of various genders
- support each other and don't play weird controlling mind games
You mean to tell me it isn't just boomers that are all "I hate my wife lol"?
Sadly this isn't the norm :(
The I hate my wife thing was more because they had to marry a woman if the woman wanted to keep the child that they were told is theirs OR because men were pressured after being with a woman for a few years to "make her an honest woman". So they were both essentially stuck together without wanting to be. This modern stuff is just wild...
it’s sad and kind of pathetic of modern society that your relationship can be considered uncommon/unusual, given how healthy and amazing it sounds…
my relationship is like this this too and so are all my friends' relationships and i DO think it's the norm. i think we need to remember that social media is not a reflection of what is normal. it's always the crazy ppl who are the loudest and garner the most attention. people in healthy relationships aren't going to post about their relationships talking about how healthy it is because they are secure in that relationship.
It *should* be the norm but it isn’t nowadays. My partner and I are the exact same way. And I was never treated well before him so I had a long night talk about it with him, that I didn’t understand *how* to be treated right, and this whole healthy relationship was new to me. He’s a very caring, patient and loving person. And I’m slowly starting to get use to be treated right.
I never understood the concept of not being allowed friends of the opposite gender when you're in a relationship. Like, what if I'm gay? Does that mean I'm not allowed to have friends of the same gender? What if I'm bi or pan? Am i not allowed to have friends at all????
It's almost as if they have heteronormative thinking with no logic behind it hmmmm....
Exactly! I'm queer and non binary, am I just supposed to be alone lmao
I’m bi as well and the idea that I’d just fuck/be attracted to anyone and everyone infuriates me :D It has made me so insecure about making my friends uncomfortable because of my _potential_ attraction to them, especially with girls because they tend to be comfortable changing in front of me and stuff, and my immediate reaction in my head is just “SHIT DO THEY KNOW IM BI?? DID THEY FORGET?? I HOPE THEY WONT RETROACTIVELY FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE WHEN THEY FIND OUT IF THEY DONT”
fortunately my friends are quite reasonable, and so far I haven’t had any friend actually act in the way I described. i actually asked a friend a couple days ago if my sexuality made her uncomfortable, and she said without hesitation “no, of course not.” so that was a huge relief
EXACTLYYYYY!!! Queer nonbinary here!! Are they really gonna tell me I can’t have friends with ANYONE, since someone of any gender could be into me? Wtf!
yeah actually. i was thinking about this. a long time ago i had a "partner" - things were complicate but yk - who, because i can be attracted to all genders, didn't like me talking or getting close with ANYONE. it was horrible and extremely isolating. Nick is right to call it abuse.
I love watching "dear god some of you concern me" makes my day
This feels like a good comment section to shout from the rooftops: you are not entitled to treating your partner like a ticking time bomb because you were cheated on by someone else in the past. I strongly recommend therapy and/or couples therapy as soon as you’re able if this is a problem for you.
It hurts more when you make a continuous and conscious effort not to, but they end up exploding all over you anyway :/
Gonna stay single for a while this time… I’m so done with people
I personally don’t even believe in concept of cheating. It shocks that anyone would be bothered by the thought of their partner enjoying themselves with someone else.
@@Estradiol_Gaming I don’t think you understand what cheating is. There’s a difference between a consensually open relationship and cheating
@@Estradiol_Gaming depends on the person, the boundaries and whether or not trust was violated. For me personally I’m non-monogamous if it’s something my partner and I share. My last ex was adamant that the boundaries of our relationship were closed, I found out later that they had been going behind my back and it hurt me. If they had done the same thing with my consent and knowledge I would have been okay and happy for them.
@@DeathnoteBB and even in poly relationships, cheating is possible.
Tbh considering how much jealousy is normalized in monogamous relationships I'm gonna take a guess and ASSUME that these are not necessarily just ""jokes"" all the time... Maybe I'm just a clueless asexual but I've grown up with a bunch of people around me being in heterosexual monogamous relationships (beyond just what media portrays) and I've always found weird how extreme jealousy is encouraged or even expected.
Jealousy shouldn't be normalized but yet people think it is okay. Unhealthy amounts of Jealousy isn't okay but little bit can be reasonable. Honestly I am pansexual and been in past relationships. Jealousy did happen a few times but I never encourage it but this is coming from my own pov
@@delicatesmilesys yeah I understand how jealousy can happen. I just always thought that ~how much~ and to what extent it goes it's what makes a difference between a normal/ healthy relationship or a mess lol but that's all talk tho cuz I can't speak for people with actual experience ( also I didn't expect that many people to like my comment lol) so I appreciate your input.
Your profile picture is the best thing I've seen all day
@@perrytheplatypus3950 loool thanks, I edited myself hahaha 😅 Rango is such a fun movie
The day I realised that mono relationships were just too draining for me personally was the day a partner admitted to feeling threatened by _my brother_ . Now, tbf, my bro & I do have a beautifully close relationship; he came after work every single day I was in the hospital for 2.5 weeks + stayed past visiting hours, we have dinner + shows/a movie once a week & often hang on the weekend, too, + sometimes I _do_ crash over in his bed when there's been too much wine to drive home, but we sleep top-to-tail & it's appropriately _completely familial_ . He's one of my favourite ppl, & given how sh!t my folks were, I feel blessed to have this wholesome, rewarding, loving relationship with him.
_He's one of my 3 best friends_ .
And when my BF said he was insecure about the intimacy of that connection, I had difficulty balancing compassion for his insecurity with my mortification over how he could _ever_ see arguably the most mentally chaste relationship in my life that way. I wound up having to say, "I love you, but he's all the family I've got, & our time together brings me joy. I can't give you what you're asking, I'm sorry," & we broke up.
It's not that it was eating into our time together as a couple. He just didn't like how dearly connected we were. But _he's my brother_ , & he was here first.
On first dates, I now lead with talking about our relationship, because that friggin' mentally scarred me, lol, & I never want to have that conversation again.
“how are you getting into relationships without knowing these things are you guys idiots”. bruh my parents married each other after just a year knowing each other and had me and my brother cause they wanted to hurry up and have kids. its these dumb societal expectations that leads to these toxic families and relationships the cycle just wont stop. my parents are divorced and my brother and i are stuck with the emotional damage 🙂
And then they're prolife too, because they usually got married so fast so they could have sex without going to hell. At least, that's how it is in the Bible belt
yeah i think i was conceived within a year of my parents knowing each other as well… my parents aren’t divorced (yet?) but honestly my mom should not have hurried cause BOY do they have some issues… mom deserves better
@@thesleepydot ME TOO I was created after several years tho
Part of me wonders if this rise in hyper-possessive and codependent relationships is due to how isolated everyone is. I feel like there just isn't as much friendship or camaraderie anymore, so people end up expecting too much from their romantic relationships since its the one kind of close relationship that's still acceptable.
Yeah that’s a good point! Food for thought. I def agree there isn’t enough emphasis on platonic relationships and having needs in platonic relationships
It sure also doesn't help that this posessiveness increased with the pandemic, since (atleast here in Germany) in 2021 during our longest lockdown abuse and even violence in relationships/households have spiked to an unprecedented degree.
@@TrainsReloaded Fellow German here to add that we kept up strict lockdown measures longer than a lot of US states, too, which means a stronger psychological effect. I've noticed that as we've been doing more shifts at the library instead of home office both customers and employees have become somewhat awkward and essentially have to re-learn how to socialise and integrate that into work life. Arguments and misunderstandings are really common now too, both online and irl.
“I do not value my romantic relationships over my friendships because I don’t think that there’s an intrinsic value of one over the other” THANK YOU
Why is this so hard for people
These people shouldn't be in relationships if this is how they treat their partners
can tell you it is 100% based in reality, an old friend of mine was in a toxic relationship like this, the guy went through her phone before they even started dating and after they started dating, like long after, he brings up how awful he felt that she was flirting and talking to other guys years before they had even met... like he scroll years back just to find SOMETHIGN..
gross -_-
@@Nameless-ny8nk literally... he did have similar ideals. he never took her seriously because he legitimately thought women were supposed to please men and made to be owned by men. by the end of their relationship he said that she'd never be able to actually leave him and that she'd be a used up whore. he said that he owned her because he took her virginity and how no other guy will want her and she'd never be able to please another guy because he already took her virginity and she was "used" already. I didnt believe these people were real until i met this man.. he smelt bad, hated his mother for being too nice and not giving him a harder life, borderline pedophilic, was proud to call himself a redditor and had a persona 5 addiction.
i still cant believe people like this exist..
My aroace ass is so eternally confused by how possessive some people are over their partners. I have had multiple incidents with male friends where their girlfriends came and yelled at me for trying to steal their man, and dude and I are looking at each other like "bro we're like brother-sister tf is she on abt?"
Usually coming out to girlfriend as being an eternal catlady works and she'll calm down. But still... it's weird.
The joys of being aroace and loving to give ppl hugs /s
I feel like it all stems from fear of ending up alone honestly, most people go through life without doing much introspection so they're mostly driven by primal fear.
@@raviolik1273 I think it’s the combination of social pressure to be in a relationship and the desire for sex. Humans are social creatures, but romance or having sexual encounters is by no means necessary to fill that need.
@@pheonixrises11 of course but in its essence it all goes back to fear. Jealousy stems from this fear, being alone and rejected from the group meant you would die at some point in time, it's not that relevant now but the irrational fear is still there and manifest itself in the human relationships we deem most important atm (romantic ones for now). Social expectations are layers on top of it, making it worse of course.
As a fellow aroace, i completely agree!!
this sort of thing definitely manifests in the lgbt community, i know some people dont trust bi/pan people because of the stereotypes of like "oh if they like twice or three times the amount of people then i have way more competition" or "oh theyre super promiscuous"
Ive had internalized biphobia along this sort of mindset before because of trauma being cheated on, ironically enough being bisexual myself. But I'd like to believe I'm not that kind of hateful person anymore ❤️🩹
My best friend is straight and is in a hetero marriage with her husband but I will say they have their shit together and she's mature enough to know when anger at he husband is justified or she's projecting her trauma onto him and she corrects it immediately if correction is needed. That being said my best friend is super woman in my eyes and is the exception to the norm.
as she should ig. I'm happy for your friend
Anxiety and jealousy are things you’re going to feel in a relationship sometimes but being able to talk through these things and set aside expectations is what’s must important.
Yes. 👍🏽
Communication and consent plus trust are really important things to have in a relationship no matter if it’s romantic or platonic. If you have none of those it’s really concerning, I hope that you learn to build these things or leave the relationship if it’s getting unhealthy. (This is just general, not aimed at anyone)
My parents got married after two weeks of knowing each other.
They are, unfortunately, still married.
Please send help.
I still have years before I can legally move out.
ayoo shoutout to your suffering
Your parents looked at dating and really said “parkour,” huh?
your parents speedran the whole process of dating huh
TWO WEEKS!!??
same here, they met online and then got married a few days after meeting irl. this was early 2000's. what the hell
I have more problems than being monogamous like my mental state 💅🏽💋💄
As a bi, poly person who still struggles to differentiate between what could be a relationship versus a friendship (especially after being led on multiple times by friends displaying sexual desire or physical affection like kissing me-) as well as struggling to maintain any friendships, I do wonder how I’ll have to relearn this all, and maybe my identity will change too - I’m just not sure about everything right now, but I hope that’s normal, and I hope if anyone is experiencing anything even remotely similar, that you get through it too and that it’s ok.
Honestly I feel you and I am myself am pan and poly. It's okay to be not so sure and I am sure you would get through
Sorry if this is rude, but if you're having trouble discerning between a relationship and a friendship can't you just ask?
Just go "Wait a minute, is this just friendship or... ?"
Also those friends sound a bit fucked up
I'm aroace but I also want romantic/sexual relationships.. or at least I _think_ I do but I'm not really sure If I _actually_ do because what sounds nice in my head might not be so nice in real life. It's difficult to figure out because no matter how much I think about it I need to experience the opportunity in order to be able to tell if it's what I want or not.
This whole time I thought I was a nonbinary lesbian but now I feel like I don't care much for my gender and I don't know if I want a relationship at all. Queerplatonic relationships sound nice, but I'm not sure.
I understand how confusing the "I don't know what I want" situation can be so I empathize with you on that
wish you well on figuring it all out 👍💖
As a confused bisexual, it helps to figure out your boundaries. I at first was very flimsy with everything and had a “this is what we’re doing now? Cool” kind of energy and that left me with a heavy lack of boundaries and immense confusion because a person and I were not on the same page. Someone I saw in a platonic light was doing romantic shit with me and I passed it off because well maybe this is normal. Make a list. What are your limits with partners and friends? What do you require in friends and partners? What is the difference between those two relationships to you? It should get a little easier after you discern that
Me and my enchiladas wondering wtf nick is mad about today
Just got a “PragurU Kids” ad on your video and if that’s not traumatizing enough-
Got an ad right after targeting trans people WOW
@@LobsterHaunting Going through it bro
I was afraid that I gonna be condemned as a bad girlfriend, but thankfully I'm not the kind of monogamous being talked about here. Of course my partner can have friends of the gender of he is attracted too. He is still friends with some of his exes, and friends with benefits. That's all completely fine, because I trust my Boyfriend.
Also it would be so much harder to play long running tabletop rpg campaigns if neither of us could be friends with people of a gender different to ourselves.
Of course, they aren’t talking about all monogamous people. Or even all straight people. There’s just been this weird kinda normalized possessive going on lately. Mainly with toxic monogamous straight people.
I’m sure you and your boyfriend are fine; it sounds like you guys got a healthy thing going on.
Congratulations on your relationship. It’s hard to find that nowadays
wait if he’s got fwb then how are you guys monogamous?
@@SM-yz4hi They were friends with benefits before we got together and now they're just friends. He has only been intimate with me while we have been together. Sorry I wasn't very clear about that.
@@emny876 ah that makes sense. It’s great that you trust him even with people he’s been intimate with before. It feels like not a lot of people have that kind of maturity haha
Man, you have some pretty hair. I'm a man with pretty long and curly hair like that, but I have more of it, and It's a bit longer. How do you keep your hair so shiny? My boyfriend has hair that looks like yours, but It's really short. How do some of you do that? Lol. Also, I love your content dude. Oh and, I myself am poly, and I don't understand mono people lol. 💗💗💗 Hearts to you, my man. Have an amazing day
I second all of this. Much love.
first thing i thought about watching this vid is how pretty his hair is haha
i second this!
Do you use a leave-in conditioner? Highly recommend
Here is how I do things, as a person with textured hair :)
I use a sulfate free shampoo and a conditioner with no silicones. I don't style my hair with heat at all, because it's damaging long term. I use a little bit of leave in conditioner that helps define my curls. I avoid brushing my hair when it's dry, only when I'm detangling it in the shower, to avoid breakage.
This just sounds like "are the straights okay" with extra steps
Me being asexual, I actually thought this whole dating culture was all just an exaggeration for media and the fact that people actually think like this is lowkey frightening.
Omg fellow ace here as well, the first time this happened to me was not with sex thou not romance, I remember clearly being so shocked about a lot of women talking about their partners not making sure they finished or felt satisfied like them and my first thought was “isn’t it logical to make sure the person with you is also having a good time like you are?” (I was in high school and in my sex ed they didn’t even mentioned to us about consent but I always assumed this was basic knowledge to people) and now on the beginning on my 20s I only start to realize romance (or the culture we fabricated socially on what romantic love is) it’s not that different from that experience in my teen years
alloromantics are terrifying
Big fucking mood! Especially when they think polyamory = cheating ;-;
yeahh i saw someone say that in a comment section and the amount of likes it had maddened me. i feel like they didn’t even understand what polyam meant.
the misconception of polyamory = cheating is so insulting as someone who is poly myself. Polyamory never supports cheating instead it’s all about building trust,communication and asking consent always to partners , that was always the foundation of it, I just want to love multiple people in peace leave polyam people alone.
I'm not even interested in polygamous relationships and I can tell anyone the difference.
In a polygamous relationship, all parties know about it and want to be in that type of relationship.
Cheating is when one party in a relationship is lied to about the other party's romantic or sexual pursuits
It is lol, sorry if this is a projection but if you fall for someone and they emotionally claim to be monogamous and only want you then manipulate you to be alright with them being with other people and shame you for not being alright with it is 100% cheating, it’s not a mutual acceptance of seeking more. It’s a forced perspective and a controlling possessive abuse. a lot of polygamous people are hypocritical in the matter that they’ll check their partners phone and barate them about people they’re friends with, and force them to block people, all the while, they’re the ones flirting with other dudes and having a secondary relationship. polygamous people need to realize that the other person is a person aswell and that they need to be respected.
@@jimbo0386 “Polyamory: the practice of engaging in multiple romantic (and typically sexual) relationships, with the consent of all the people involved.” I literally just Googled it. I did not claim to be monogamous. Neither verbally nor “emotionally.” I told him I had a girlfriend, too, and he was like, “ok” cuz he’d still be dating me. If he said no, I would’ve let him.
Also, Straight Monogamous People tend to have a possessive streak to the point where the only person the victim is allowed to see is themself. “Isolate her from her loved ones.”
The point is that the cheater is an abusive unhealthy asshole who feels like being with other women without her consent is a-ok.
Straight People have a tendency to do that, anyway.
Anyway, there’s also the thing where, in fandom, poly shipping is ALL over the place. Like Naruto Harems. And shipping Sasuke, Sakura, and Naruto in a poly.
Is THAT cheating?
My gf is snuggled up asleep next to me, and God am I so happy to have found her 🏳️🌈🤍🧡💓
The world is becoming a very problematic Wattpad fanfiction.
As someone who’s never been in a relationship, this was absolutely wild to watch.
wake up babe new nick video
I'm nb and pass as a woman, and if I dated a guy with a bunch of female friends.... My biggest concern would be if I'd fit in with them lol
how do you fall in love with someone you dont trust in the first place too??
Trust isn't a requirement for love. Put it in different context. If a family member you love that does something that causes you to lose your trust in them do you also stop loving that person? That's like saying that people who have trust problems aren't capable of love, or shouldn't love people because of those problems. Not trying to pick a fight, just trying to show a different perspective on the relationship between love and trust.
As someone who still hasn't beat this habit, its more of a physical attraction to obsession pipeline rather than love. Sometimes people find someone physically attractive and in a caveman sort of way see the need to be in a relationship to "own" that person, it's hoe trophy wife/husband came to be a thing. It's definitely not healthy, but sadly it is common.
Im aro, so my gf is just homie² (i love her but not in a cringe straight people way)
homie^2 💀💀
« cringe straight people way » ur so progressive and kind!!!! You expect straight ppl to support you for being lgbtq but will insult them whenever you get the chance. Rational behavior :D
I have been cheated on in both my past relationships, but I do not act possessive or controlling over my current boyfriend because - believe it or not - I fully trust him. Also I have grown up with abusive and controlling parents, and I do not *ever* want to put him through anything like that.
"i dont have tiktok because i have a little bit of self respect- not a lot, a little bit" -nick, rn
mmm yes that
I may never understand monogamous (straight) people. I'm pan (afab) and my girlfriend is pan. We both have interests in others. Me and my gf even will see two people we like and act like who will get who if we did date others. My girlfriend has also asked us to be in a poly relationship before. Thing is, I have BPD and I don't think I could ever manage that. So I told her that. As much as we both experience attraction to others and wanting a poly relationship, it is not something our relationship could handle. So we both agreed we're only okay with that when it's with sexual experiences like foursomes together, nothing romantic.
And considering I have a huge fear of cheating, I was so terrified, but I still let my girlfriend do what she want because it's MY problem. Even if it hurts, I decided that if it happens then it happens and nothing I ever did wold ever change that. If she ends up cheating on me, then I couldn't prevent that and being possessive and controlling would probably just drive her to cheat so she would have someone who treats her better. Now when I get worried, I let her know I'm feeling a bit insecure and she reassures me. It is absolutely so easy and the fact that most monogamous and straight relationships can't do that is so scary. I worry for anyone in those relationships. My gf and I weren't always healthy, but we both worked out our issues and grew up and got help. We both have trauma and problems we had to work on that hurt the other. My friend is in a poly relationship with her boyfriend and she's never been in one before. She's ace and they're not. Honestly, it's one of the chillest relationships ever. We're only like 20 and seeing people that look older than us act so unhealthy is so terrifying.
Please don't treat your partner in such a way. I really worry for anyone in relationships like that. I know my ex boyfriend was like that (he pressured me into a relationship anyway.) You all deserve someone that will listen to you and work with you through problems and issues.
hey may i ask how does being poly but also being scared of getting cheated on, work? i thought poly ppl usually weren't "jealous"
@@idk-vx7vm It isn't that they're not jealous. Being poly means you can have an open relationship with consent. You both agree on a partner or are okay with your partner having a partner (or more.) Just because someone is in a poly relationship doesn't mean cheating can't happen. If they go behind the partner's back and have an affair with another person, that's still cheating because they never discussed it with their partner. Poly relationships are about being open, honest, and communicating as well as benefiting all the needs of those involved. If there's deceit or lies then it isn't okay. And jealousy can happen in poly relationships. That's how I know that I can't have one, my BPD makes me feel things intensely and leaves me feeling unstable so as much as I would like to be in a poly relationship with my gf and another person, I cannot. Cheating is destroying the trust that a person had. Most people in poly relationships aren't typically jealous if it's a healthy one because they discuss things and work through it and trust. While some people will be manipulated into a "poly" relationship just for the one person to have "consensual" affairs. An example I can think of is Onision where he was always angry about his partners interacting and pretty much he just wanted to be able to have sex with multiple people. If the poly relationship comes with one or more people feeling unloved or miserable, then that isn't okay and isn't what being poly is about. Nobody wants to be cheated on and any kind of deceit, manipulation, or lying instantly makes it an unhealthy relationship. Someone can still fear cheating, but put their trust in someone and have an open, poly relationship. Besides, most people will end up in poly relationships around people they know rather than just finding a stranger and getting to know them, at least what's what I believe. My gf wanted someone who was her friend to join us. I have a friend of mine I'd like to join if I could handle it.
I hope this explained it well enough. /gen
@@hannahdavis4256 yeah thanks i do understand now :D
I totally relate to wanting a poly relationship but being too jealous. With my recent ex I would get jealous very easily, but it had nothing to do with them. I didn't take it out on them and act controlling. It's freaky that these straight monogamous relationships seem to normalize this abusive behavior.
opening up about insecurities and asking for reassurance should be more normalized. so many people fish for compliments or project their insecurities instead and it honestly helps no one. I’d much rather tell someone “no, you’re actually really beautiful and of course I don’t care about (insert insecurity)” or “of course I love you and I want to be with you” than being backed into a corner until i say what they want to hear and beg them to believe me. and it can’t feel better on the receiving end either, cause it’s less genuine when you feel forced to say something
I think the getting into romantic relationships when they're just horny thing comes from purity culture somewhat. A lot of people feel that hookups are "cheap" so they jump into relationships with people they don't know or don't agree with just to take the guilt away.
A lot of people on tiktok concern me,
thank you so much for making this video. I can admit that I have engaged with these behaviors a lot throughout my 2.5 year relationship. My issues are rooted in insecurity, but I think that's pretty self-explanatory. I get really jealous of my partner's friends of the opposite sex, until I meet them, realise they're always really lovely women , and usually end up becoming friends with them myself. I would never ask them to stop being friends with any of them though, because that crosses a line in my eyes. Over the past few months I have really been trying to deconstruct my toxicity, and actively trust my partner more, and I'm noticing a definite increase in my mental health, and the overall quality of our relationship, but I'm not perfect yet. Thank you for making this video, it's definitely something I needed to hear a long time ago, and will help a lot of people in my situation
We stan growth :)
wow… It was really interesting hearing the thought process behind these behaviors. I’m also super glad you took the time to reflect and work on these behaviors, given how it helps your relationship and mental health. You should be proud of yourself for how far you’ve come!
@@thesleepydot thank you so much!! I'm trying my best with soothing my anxiety whenever my partner mentions a new friend who is a girl, but my body and mind do still go straight into panic mode ahaha.
I think it's also important to note that I am autistic, and I'm learning more about how that impacts my everyday life- I've realized I'm really prone to getting fixed on certain thoughts for months, even years on end, in an almost OCD-like fashion. And I made the mistake of obsessively watching these relationship tiktoks, which spouted takes such as "If he's not posting you, he doesn't think ur worth being shown off", and "A man cannot have a purely platonic relationship with an attractive woman. If your boyfriend has a lot of girl friends, he wants to have sex with them" (yes, those are real ones lol). Being the slightly gullible autistic girl I am, I obsessively read these takes, because I thought these women had authority to speak on these issues, and I struggled with seeing the grey area in what they were saying.
I also had a friend a few years ago who prided herself in being able to have any man she wanted- including those whose who were taken. I saw so many men cheat on their girlfriends immediately when they realized they had a chance with her, then go on to treat their girlfriends like princesses the next day.
If I'm being honest, what helped the most, was focusing on building confidence in my appearance and personality- all the areas I thought my partner would leave me for, and practicing believing them when they say they love me. I also started working with a therapist on challenging negative core beliefs about myself and the world around me, and cutting off friends like my ex friend above lol.
To any women who struggle with jealousy like I do, those tips above are what I would recommend to improve xx
@@fairycinna i don’t know how to express, without sounding repetitive, that I’m super glad you shared this haha. It’s great to hear how you’ve been coping and I’m happy for you! I can also agree that building self-confidence is helpful and great in general (I’m trying to build myself up as well currently. I think I’ve come a long way especially in term of gaining confidence in my appearance, but there’s still room for improvement :)) If you’re receptive to tips, I would also recommend opening up about your insecurities to your partner and friends. From personal experience I know it can be very scary, but getting the reassurance you need and deserve has always been worth it for me, and good friends and partners should be open to reminding you that you are loved, worthy and such :)
@@thesleepydot thank you so much!! it's brilliant that you've been able to build up confidence in the way you look, do you have any tips? I find that clothing pieces that accentuate the features I was previously insecure about helps more than trying to cover them up (for me). It helps me believe there is nothing to be ashamed of about my body
Am a pansexual girl in a relationship with a straight guy, and instead of hating his female friends and feeling jealous, I simply turned friends with them too, I think it makes the relationship a lot more harmonic and fun
From a female perspective, i find it really interesting how aggressive a lot of guys are with this sort of thing. Women do this garbage controlling shit too, obviously, but as showcased in these reels they tend to be a lot more manipulative and sneaky about it, as opposed to the overt and domineering behavior of a lot of guys. I also think it's really funny when men like this tell their girlfriends that they can't have guy friends, but if the girl is bi then they'll either immediately take that as "oh sweet, now i get to have a bunch of hot kinky sex with multiple women" or just not care. This way of thinking is so nonsensical, but it's so ingrained into almost all media that portrays any sort of romance that it's not too surprising.
Domestic abuse is universal. Monogamy. Polyamory. Queer. Straight. TFT. WLW. MLM. No matter who you are or what your romantic relationships look like in abuse is not ok.
One thing that bugs me about some of this, as an aro person at least, is that I don't see kissing and cuddling as romantic gestures. I do that kind of thing with my close friends, because to me, affection isn't a sign of romantic or sexual attraction, and is just a way to build or signify closeness. I have a long-term, serious QPP/boyfriend (who is totally cool with me sharing that kind of affection with my friends) but I get a looooot of questions and "concerns" from family and non-close friends about how I'm cheating/if my BF is jealous/why I'm allowed to have (insert literally any gender here because I'm bi) friends if I'm going to kiss and cuddle with them. Like... Not everyone functions the way you do? It also makes me viscerally angry when people assume friends of the opposite sex automatically want a relationship/sex with you, like, what? Maybe it's because I'm queer and have friends of every gender/sexuality and therefore don't assign people random assumptions about their feelings towards me.
does QQP stand for queerplatonic partner? also, I’m bi as well and the idea that I’d just fuck/be attracted to anyone and everyone infuriates me :D It has made me so insecure about making my friends uncomfortable because of my _potential_ attraction to them, especially with girls because they tend to be comfortable changing in front of me and stuff, and my immediate reaction in my head is just “SHIT DO THEY KNOW IM BI?? I HOPE THEY WONT RETROACTIVELY FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE WHEN THEY FIND OUT”
fortunately my friends are quite reasonable, and so far I haven’t had any friend actually act in the way I described
ah and also also… i wish cuddling and other “romantic” gestures would be more normalized in non-romantic relationships. it’s so weird to me how aggressively abrupt the “curve” between being strangers and being sexual/romantic partners is in a lot of cishet relationships. why is it that so many people dont even hold hands before they get in a relationship, but the MOMENT they are in a rom/sexual relationship they have sex and make out all the time and just do EVERYTHING ALL THE TIME AHHHH like it makes me appreciate queer relationships where the line between friends and lovers is a LOT more blurred and like just natural? smooth progression y’know?
@@thesleepydot
Yes that's what QPP stands for! I prefer to call mine my boyfriend but technically speaking he's more of a best friend that I have sex with. Of course I'm in love with him, but not in the strictly romantic sense. I think that's hard for a lot of people to grasp.
Small point about the first clip it's not just the possessiveness but specifically that the possess of this only works one way the guy said they are mature enough to not be possessive and then immediately said the opposite thing about the question in reverse
I’ve recently been seeing a clip going around of this guy who appears to be on a podcast or something and he’s saying that in his opinion if he’s in a relationship with a girl and she has an instagram then he considers it cheating and that is so fucking mind boggling to me. Like I don’t even know where to start with understanding how he thinks that. It makes me so angry that some people think that as soon as you get into a relationship you have no other personal life and your life should revolve around that one relationship.
It mostly stems from the idea that romance is more important than friendships....It's such a toxic thought.
meanwhile my bf and i used to do full on photo shoots for pictures that i posted on instagram 😂 get a man that supports your interests and doesn't shame them
I honestly don’t care if I’m in a poly or mono relationship. I donno what I would call that, either way if someone values me as a partner. I will cherish that person.
If you want a label, there’s ambiamorous. Just means you’re good with mono or poly relationships. It’s the label i use.
Honestly I would be concerned if a man had no women friends, it feels like a huge red flag that he's a misogynist.
That’s a pretty solid point actually. Like, it could just be a sign that he cannot show decency or time of day to person of the opposite gender unless it’s a romantic relationship.
I think this should be re-framed as "no woman friends, and strictly male friends". Because I don't have any female friends.. but I don't have any male friends either. I do not spend deliberate time on people to either talk to them or bond with them. It is my personal choice. But, even so, I don't think being male having no female friends (only male friends) means anything. I believe there is many viable reasons why this might occur, besides "reD FLag MIsoGyNist". In fact, I'll turn it up to eleven and I'll say that thinking that they are misogynist is actually a destructive and harmful accusation, which, hopefully, you understand to keep your thoughts to yourself.
@@cutekirby360 you're an idiot
@@cutekirby360 As someone that is quite the lone wolf too I have to disagree, I have seen myself that in most cases men that do not have woman friends or even interact with them are indeed pretty misogynistic, as you said it cannot be something that immediately points out for that to be the case but I wouldn’t blame anyone if they do not put their guard down if they realize this about a man
Yes! I see a man having female friends as a green flag tbh
My bestie (straight) has been in this relationship with this guy she’s known for a few months and like I ask her about him and what does he like and what do you do together and she can never tell me anything interesting about this man other than he’s nice and kind and polite and it’s like how do you not know anything about him like his favorite foods and hobbies and interests just anything??? I could literally talk about my girlfriend all day and everything she likes and all her little mannerisms and quirks because I want to know everything about her
I'm a monogamous straight cis woman and I couldn't agree more.😤
These people must have some weird trust issues from what people have taught them about relationships or something🤔
I mean not having FRIENDS OF THE OPPOSITE GENDER????
Grow up, please.🙄
i get the whole point of the video, but my god you're funny af comedy wise👏😭😂
The fact some people need to be told that they should know the person before marriage and that there have been cases where a man wanted a divorce because he saw his wife without makeup for the first time,, I'm scared for the Straights. Then there's friends I had in high school who went out with people known for cheating and when this was pointed out they were like "they've changed!" only to get cheated on a month later. Yeah. Like, I feel bad but how did you not see that coming?
I think part of the reason why possessiveness in straight monogamous relations is more prevalent is the fact that many straight people are often raised with the idea that the opposite sex is “another species” and shit like that. So instead of talking out their concerns with their partner and reaching a reasonable conclusion, they go to the extreme to control them instead.
It’s the same kind of thinking that often reduces the opposite sex into animalistic creatures with the implication being that they have to be “controlled” or “tamed” in some way (at best, it’s implied, at worst it’s explicitly encouraged and treated as gospel [ex: “alpha male” pick-up artists]). And the heteronormativity that often goes along with this advice really cements the idea that this is the *only* way to go about a relationship.
Allo people in general scare me.
As an enby, binary trans people are terrifying
I agree with the sentiment that it's not healthy to be uncomfortable or unable to handle your partner having friends of the opposite sex, but I also think it's unfair to say that people who struggle with that shouldn't be in relationships. Some of the comments I'm reading feel as though people are saying that those of us with trauma and mental health problems relating to insecurity and trust issues shouldn't or don't deserve to be in relationships. That until we're "fixed" (using quotes not because I don't think it's something that should be worked on, but because I dislike the sentiment that we're broken rather than sick) we shouldn't have a partner, we should be alone. If I waited until I wasn't mentally ill and struggling I'd be single forever. Again, not an argument saying that this level of insecurity is healthy or ok, it's totally not, just dislike the idea that those of us like this should be alone. Also the complete the lack of empathy for people who have these problem (really not a fan of being called immature and compared to children). What if we don't have access to help, are we doomed to forever be alone because of our lack of acess to help and the inability to recover and change without help. Just trying to throw some different perspectives out there. Again, this isn't healthy behavior but there's also no need to demonize and look down on people for having these problems.
To clarify I'm not saying people are explicitly saying that traumatized or mentally ill people shouldn't be in relationships. What I wanted was to bring attention to people who have these problems because of mental health/trauma. Remember that when you mock and criticize people who exhibit specific behavior your also mocking and criticizing people who are like this because of mental health. I already struggle with feeling as though I'm undeserving of love and shouldn't have a partner because I'm too broken. So reading these kinds of comments only helps to solidify those feelings. I'm sure this isn't people's intentions, but intentions alone don't prevent words from causing harm.
Oh and side note, there's no denying that as a culture we've encouraged this type of thinking and behavior in healthy people too, I mean just look at Hollywood and the toxic media they churn out.
I totally agree with you, yet I also feel like the overwhelming sentiment in the comments isn’t “people with insecurities/trust issues shouldn’t be in relationships” …but rather “if you are insecure/have trust issues, don’t make it your partner’s responsibility and don’t project your insecurities.” maybe we’ve come across different comments tho, idk. you still make great points.
by the way, of course you are deserving of love!!
@@selfcompassionate That makes me real happy to hear. I know that my take on this is kind of unpopular, but all the more reason why I wanted to express it here.
I forget what my mother and I were dicussing beforehand, but one time when I was in like 7th grade, I asked her "But isn't trust the most important part of a relationship?"
Her response?
"That depends on how naive you are."
MA'AM YOU'RE MARRIED WITH 3 CHILDREN AND YOU THINK IT'S NAIVE TO TRUST YOUR PARTNER???
this whole video is spot on, but that point abt people getting into relationships with people who you dont know is so weird to me as well. like ????? you dont even know them ????? its so so weird to me. anyone ive liked is someone ive known/been super close to for around a year minimum. i think the fastest ever was like 6 months into knowing them, but we talked EVERY DAY and were best friends. i have no clue how people decide they know someone enough to be in a romantic relationship with them when they have literally just met each other
i feel like ppl are confusing dating and relationships in a lot of the examples in the video bc dating is when you are getting to know someone by hanging out together but you aren't exclusive or have a label yet and a relationship is the next step from there actually putting a label on things and making a commitment. but also idk i could be wrong and these ppl really ARE getting into full on relationships with people they barely know
"Love is not enough" just means "lust is not enough."
If my wife ever steals my phone or does that “vibe check” bs, divorce. Instantly.
Well, I am polygamous person... And I get , that some people are happy to have monogamous relationships with their partners. Possessive behavior, however, isn`t healthy...
Thanks for this video. Very relatable and informative. I know someone who needs to listen to "they can make their own decisions " part.
Stay at your place.
Some people just don’t want their partner to hurt them. Sometimes being “possessive” when you’re telling your polygamous partner to please not mess around with other people and shove it in your face and be toxic is a reflection of the other person not the person being possessive
I saw dudes on Instagram legit sad and uncomfortable at the thought of their girlfriend having sex with other people before dating them
I see jokes on TikTok all the time like “he’s not allowed to have a girl best friend 🤪🤪” and the comments are always in agreement and I’m just like, what?? Why are we normalizing this toxic mentality?
In conclusion, THANK YOU FOR THIS VIDEO
I've actually seen some of the things mentioned in this video in high school and it's very concerning to say the least. We did our gender and sexuality unit in sociology class a few months ago, and some of the student-submitted questions the class answered had to do with their romantic partner's friend groups, 'body counts'/past relationships, and social media. The majority of the class is straight (To my knowledge at least; I'm not exactly friends with any of them, but just about everyone who participated at least showed interest in the opposite gender) and monogamous (Found out the latter after asking a question about polyamory, to which everyone responded that it's not for them or similar sentiments).
I heard a lot of the same possessive and untrusting things that were went over in the video, and I was genuinely bewildered that most of my peers expressed those opinions and beliefs. As similar responses were being made over the three or so days we went over the discussion questions, I started to get really uncomfortable and worried. Everyone in the class- including myself- are either juniors or seniors, which means that A) they've most likely held these thoughts for at least a few years, meaning they've learned and accepted this behavior since freshman or sophomore year, if not earlier, and B) they're going to go into adulthood carrying these same beliefs, which will most likely then continue to be spread by them to their kids/peers/friends/family/whatever unless something changes their mindset.
The fact that so many students of different backgrounds and lifestyles expressed similar ideologies sorta showed me that this isn't just something you'd find from a random creep or an established abuser- this is pervasive enough in the US's society that it's learned and adopted by teenagers, some of which may have never even been in a relationship before.
11:53 I think it's a good, but sad post. A testament to how a lot of straight people really do follow this expected timeline of getting married to whoever you're dating for a relatively serious amount of time in your 20s-30s so you can have biological babies before you're "too old." It becomes a sunk cost fallacy of "Wait, you wanted three kids, large house, and living near your parents? I wanted one kid, expensive car, and living in a city so I can get a better job. Too late, I guess we'll decide whatever is most convenient or whatever I want and can wear you down into acceptance." Also, how many straight couples will decide to get married before living together and/or before knowing each other's true finances, so they'll talk about joining finances for years but then just suddenly find out that their partner has a ton of debt and takes money from the joint bank account for impulse purchases (like the expensive car).
I have had so many issues with this kind of thing being in relationships with men. It’s been difficult for me going from a very non-jealous relationship with healthier dynamics in that vein with another woman to some of the toxic behaviors cishet people are taught about how their partner should be. It’s been straight up toxic to the point that I would be shamed for expressing that I found a fictional character attractive or speaking well of an ex at all. These kinds of jokes are rooted in real life consequences because these people are always like “wow this is relatable” instead of making fun of these ridiculous standards
THANK YOU. it pisses me off, relationships are built on trust, communication, and boundaries. without any single one of these, its kinda set up to fail.
here's a weird one: when I was 15 my LDR boyfriend didn't want me to have British male friends. Yeah that was quickly dealt with 😂
I'm convinced this is whilst Sherlock was airing 😂
i’m afab non-binary(they/them), but assumed to be a woman by people. and i have more guy friends than girl friends. and the number of ppl who assume they’re all “hitting” is… astonishing. it’s literally so ridiculous. i’m bisexual and no one asks if my girl friends are “more” even tho we act sm more lovingly than w my guy friends. some ppl literally assume i’m a th0t or s1!t or whatever just bc i have guy friends. it’s wild out here fr, heteronormativity has made some ppl genuinely believe guys and girls can’t be friends
oH for sure poly people definitely have our own issues.... like finding someone to dm for our polycules dnd group
BRUH ONLY TIME IM STEALING MY GIRL PHONE IS TO INVITE HER FRIENDS OVER CUZ I WANNA HANGOUT WITH THEM ION GET ALLOCISHETS ATALL AT ALLLLL
This is why no one is allowed to ask me out if they haven't known me for a year. I'm tired of people prioritizing lust over actually caring for another person's well being.
I agree with you so much on this. I tried out being in a poly relationship and figured out I did not care for that, so I identify as monogamous.
However, I'm more of the philosophy of being romantically monogamous. I'm very much for consensual non-monogamy when the other people involved aren't romantic partners, but just friends you have a good time with. I'm very open to inviting a third for something, or having friends specifically that we're allowed to do things with and be comfortable with that.
And the key thing being consensual. I want rules, I want contracts, I want to know that my partner respects me and our relationship. Communication is very much key to this, but also to literally every other kind of relationship. For the love of all that is good, talk to your partner(s)!!!
Edit: All of that jealousy shit is part of why I refuse to date anyone under the age of 25 (I'm 28) because I absolutely cannot stand that lmao. My current partner is older than me and can I just say that the maturity with relationships is soooo refreshing after dealing with tinder bullshit for years.
As an AroAce I went through this video with the single thought of ".....People act like this?? What's the point?" and all I can say is I understand heteronormative people even less than I did before.
I think the sound from that first tiktok is from an account where the bit is about double standards, not actually jealousy, as it is in all their tiktoks. Gross that it was used for actual jealous stuff :/
I’ve been in a monogamous relationship for 25 years and there was a brief breakup that included a third person. Ultimately, it ended up being an understandable situation and I 100% trust my partner, who has friendships with other women that I know about and endorse because they help him in ways I can’t. I don’t look at my partner as my property and even if he “cheated,” I wouldn’t automatically end things like so many people say. The only reason I ever log into his phone is to go change the device name as a prank. (The first time I did it was while he was picking up a new car and he was so confused, thinking that one of the sales staff had their phone connected to his new car…lol.) we have access to each other’s stuff solely to help each other out or deal with emergencies. He doesn’t go digging around mine and I don’t dig around his. I don’t know how people have time and energy for all that nonsense.
All that is to say there are *some* healthy monogamous relationships among us straights in the world. But it’s wild how many people have super concerning beliefs about relationships. Oof.
I became friends with my ex's best friend while me and my ex were dating. He turned round to me and said, and I quote, "I'm worried you'll cheat on me with my best friend, because I'm a bad boyfriend. I trust you 100% but I don't trust him". Several things are wrong with that statement and I quickly left the relationship after that.
another thing thats super gross to me is that ive met straight men who freak out abt their gfs having male friends, yet if their gf cheated on them with a women theyd just be like "lol thats hot"
I agree 100%. I have realized this for a while and no one is talking about it. It’s so stupid how people in relationships care so much about who the other person is hanging out with and even when. Like it should matter if the person has friends of the opposite sex. If someone cares about that so much they are controlling and untrusting of the other person. When you are in a relationship you have to trust the other person. I hate the stupid tiktok trend where the person is like “let me see your phone” and the other person doesn’t want to show then and the other person just assumes they are hiding something. Like you wouldn’t want your parents to go through you phone would you? It’s the same thing. I dated a guy a few years ago and he was so happy I wasn’t like this, and we were literally the least jealous couple ever. He even apologized when he found other people attractive but I explained to him that it doesn’t matter and that I don’t care. And people need to understand it’s fine to be aesthetically and platonically attracted to the opposite sex when your in a relationship.
Before my parents moved in together, my dad's roommate was a woman, and to this day she is still his best friend. My mom (because she's a normal human being) has no issue with this and my parents have been happily married for more than 20 years. Literally there is no reason to control your partner's friends, it puts strain on relationships at best and leads to abusive situations at worst
One of the things I've seen that I just cannot wrap my head around is this overplayed scenario that's beginning to become a cliche:
Person 1: *cheats on Person 2 with Person 3*
Person 2: *finds out about it*
Person 2: *goes and beats the everloving shit out of Person 3 without talking to them, seeing if they knew about Person 1's other relationship, and not knowing the situation at all.*
Ok so I’m straight monogamous and I feel very boring lol. First of all, I totally agree all the jokes mentioned in the video are disgusting. But I think it’s ok to sometimes feel insecure about some of the opposite-sex friends your partner has? (And I draw a line between feeling insecure and feeling like your partner has no right to spend time with anyone except you) I mean, jealousy is still a thing and I perfectly realise it only happens because of my low self esteem, but the fact that I have insecurities and mental health issues doesn’t mean I’m not grownup enough to be in a relationship, does it? As long as you communicate it all in a healthy way, I think it’s fine.
I'm happy to see you coming up more on my TH-cam home page, you always have something valid to say. I think the problem is everyone tries to slap the joke label on something to explain it away. Jokes are based on mostly true experience or a version of the truth, even if it isn't the "joke teller's" experience it's still an experience many people face with their partners.
Entre broma y broma la verdad se asoma - Between joke and joke, the truth come out.
Thanks for reminding me that I have emotional problems. I need to be reminded of that
11:38 dude that image baffles me.... you're telling me you don't know any of these things about your partner.... yet you claim you love and you wanna marry them?? and have KIDS??? what do you even love about this person?? you don't even know them wtf. Is your definition of love just "we have our status as 'in a relationship' on Facebook and we fuck sometimes"
another discussion i saw lately, that i find very weird is people demonizing long term dating without marriage and how the man isn't serious if he didn't decide to propose. it gets weird to the point where people tell them to break up and act like they know the relationship better than the actual people involved
as a kid i would go on instagram back when they had those awful meme accounts and would always see memes portraying relationships like this so i legitimately thought that was how relationships were like for the longest time
I've always hated this attitude, these people are in their mid 20's and yet I know 16 year-olds with healthier relationships. What if their partner's bi? Are they just not allowed friends?
Question, is it reasonable to not be ok with a significant other’s friend if they openly have feelings for and hit on said significant other?
If that’s the case, the significant other should have nipped that in the bud tbh…
It's ok but you should talk it out with your partner
more than reasonable, that’s a terrible situation to be in
but yeah you should definitely talk it over with your partner
My partner and I consider ourselves monogamous, but we also leave space to breathe and live our lives. I've never understood the possessiveness that the people around us have. If you can't talk about the pretty person you saw at the coffee shop or the time you spend with friends because of jealousy, you start slowly cutting off communication lines, and the whole relationship goes to shit because you don't trust each other. There is no reason to feel the need to control someone you trust or be with someone you can't trust. Ever.
exactly!! my bf and i have been together for over 2 years and in those two years never have either of us felt like we couldn't talk ab celebrity crushes or our exes or anything like that. especially once he got me into kpop like.. how could i NOT simp for some of these kpop idols lol and he feels the same way
im literally aroace and in a * ROMANTIC * relationship that is healthier than any of the shit ive seen like ??? ive known my boyfriend for ~5 years before we started dating and i love him more than anything, i cant imagine my future w/out him in it ... meanwhile some of the cishets i know go thru 3, even 4 guys a month and say "i love you" to all of them as if dating someone automatically means you love them ... sometimes things just dont work and yet they tend to expect their new partner to be forever w/out even knowing their fav color im ??? moral of the story: heal + learn to love yrself before trying to love others
Me aggressively agreeing with this eating my Milano cookies. Also planning on just ranting abt this to the guy I like and if he agrees then I will continue liking him, if he disagrees I will try to get over him as soon as possible! Nick, legit love your content! I always have the type of thoughts your videos are based on, just never think about it too much. And also, we love being asexual so I just simply don't think with my "metaphorical dick" :)
hahahaha what a master plan! genius. hope it goes well for you!
The idea men and women can't be friends really comes down to the man and the woman in question. One of my best friends is a woman and I wouldn't allow a woman to tell me I can't be friends with her. If one of her guy friends has feelings for my girlfriend, I wouldn't want him around her if I was her boyfriend tbh. Orbiters exist for men and women.
I’m very glad you made this video, because I’ve been thinking about this lately. The way we view relationships and the way we view platonic and romantic relationships in relation to each other (we being this general society) is concerning, and uncomfortable, and annoying.
I remember when i first watched Nick because my friend was sharing his videos and found him intimidating. Now, i think of him as a big brother i never had.
As a bi person, I accept that my marriage means that I cannot have any friends😔
(Really though, my husband is supportive of my relationships with my friends, and it's great. We trust each other..)