People absolutely hate when you set boundaries AFTER you meet them. If you have boundaries when you first meet, people don't really mind. But if you set a new boundary after they have known you for a while, it makes them go nuts.
This is soooo true, but I'll say that many people don't like when others change in general, even when it has nothing to do with them. I'm not sure why it is, but that's what I've observed a lot and what others around me have observed as well.
@@micheller3251 I think it has to do with the fact that seeing someone change points out that you can change too if you would try, so it shines a light on your insecurities. Change is scary because it leads to new territory A.K.A the unknown and there is nothing the ego fears more than the unknown.
Absolutely agree. They also tend to react quite shocked that they can't take advantage of you and "that you've changed so much". It took me decades to learn it, but I'm so good at it now. I don't care how I might come across at all.
Actual experience trying to set a boundary with an entitled family member. I'd get home from work, go to my room to get undressed. My aunt goes into my room and starts telling me about her day and follows me into the bathroom until I turn on the water. With the help of a therapist, I set the boundary "Don't come into my room when I arrive. You can tell me about your day after I've showered." She stopped doing it for a week. Next week she waltzes in, mocks my voice "Don't come into my room" and laughs. I tell her to leave, in different words she says I'm too sensitive. That was the smallest of issues. A month or so after that, I moved out
One SUPER important thing I've learned About proper healthy boundaries is that our boundaries are all about us, not controlling others' behavior. So a rewording of the first boundary could be "I'm not going to talk to you about my romantic life. My request is you honor my boundary by not asking about it" then if they still ask, it's our own job to uphold our boundary: they ask, don't answer. Perhaps remind them of the boundary
Setting boundaries is a hard thing to do depending on what kind of household you have. Like, setting boundaries in a Filipino household where it is most likely that people are very conservative and close-minded; they would even guilt trip you by saying that you are still living under their roof therefore you should comply to everything they say. But I am sure that these lessons are a great help to many viewers around the world, Thanks Dr. K!
But as he also said: if you're in that situation, time is on your side. Eventually you won't be needing "their roof", so you can set boundaries with them when you become independant and has the ability to move out.
Yeah same boat, no matter how airtight your argument is they're always going to fall back on that card and shame you into obedience without even trying to understand you or hear what you have to say. In reality it shouldn't matter how old you are or what your nationality is, you deserve to be understood and respected as a human being. Being your parent doesn't change that, and you should be grateful for their sacrifice, sure; but you are always entitled to setting your own boundaries, regardless of relationship.
Because they cross the boundaries anyway and when we point to that fact they start to rant. Instead of just setting boundaries, sometimes we have to kick people out from our lives.
One of the things about learning to set boundaries for the first time as an adult that no one tells you is that if you've been a doormat your whole life, you've likely surrounded yourself with people who won't respect your boundaries. If you're prepared to change how you approach life you should be aware that its a possibility that you're going to lose a lot of the friends/partners Where the entire basis of the relationship is that you don’t have boundaries.
Hi! Im a 43 yr old mexican woman. Recently diagnosed with ADHD. A nurse and work in psychiatry, let me tell you... school was sooo hard, but I did great. I grew up with a single mom and 5 siblings for 13 yrs in the north of mexico. It was toxic AF, but I know we did the best we could. Growing up realized my biggest hardship always grownded from poor boundaries and I got to say that this is the most helpful and practical information I have ever come by. You ate not too harsh or anything along those lines. This is clear pure GOLD. 👑 Thank you sooo much. ❤️
Felt what you said about not being allowed to date then being pestered on why I’m not in a relationship as an East Asian female!! I also realized my family not letting me date made me super weird and afraid of commitment since I’d have hide the guys I’d date and basically wasn’t able to see anything long term with anyone
Asians are contradictory like that. Conservative in that they don't want you to date. Then you hit a certain age and then they wonder why you don't have a partner yet.
Index- Articulating Boundary Implementing Boundaries Pitfalls Aftermath of boundary setting Articulating a boundary The boundary should be very clear The boundary should be very behavioral in nature "When we talk on the phone, don't ask about when I'm going to marry"(towards a parent who keeps annoying you) Start with a small boundary It's an over time process You can't expect people to make drastic adjustments over night Start by implementing a tiny boundary at first Don't start with "You can never ask me about marriage". Start with "not on the phone". Provide a very simple reason Preferable 1 sentence We try to give multiple reasons to make it easier for us and them (so we both don't feel as bad) But instead more reasons will invite more argument More reasons will make it look more like a discussion to them Laying out a boundary isn't a discussion Implementing a Boundary Don't Lay the boundary when you should be enforcing it. If you say "no more video games after 10" then don't lay the boundary at 10 Do it at 2 in the day. Or tell them "starting this sunday". You want to give people some time to understand the boundary. So give them advance notice. Acknowledge their perspective. One of the most common counterarguments is "you don't understand..." Clarify their understanding. Ask them what they understood about your boundary "I just wanna make sure we're on the same page, what did you understand about what i want to talk about on the phone and what i dont wanna talk about on the phone" Offer them anticipatory consequences. First thank them "Just so you know mom, I'm so glad that you understood and heard me that i dont wanna talk about marriage everytime we talk on the phone. That really means a lot to me" Then tell them the consequences- "If in the future you decide to ask me on phone, just understand that I'm gonna remind you that you broke your promise and I'm gonna end the conversation." "If you're playing games after 10 PM, then no games for the next 48 hours." Try to make the consequences relatively small for them in the start. The consequences should be behavioral (like you retreating from the conversation) rather than you just shouting your emotions at them. Ask them what they understood again. You wanna make sure they understand it well. "Hey I'm sorry I'm asking this again and again, I just wanna make sure you understand this properly." Pitfalls Avoid lengthy explanations. You will try lengthy explanations because you wish "Don't be mad at me" This wish is one of the biggest reasons people screw up their boundaries Avoid engaging their justifications Prepare for the consequences you'll be facing as well It can be emotionally painful You might feel lonely for a while They might guilt trip you They will treat you differently for a while Emotional drivers to compromising your boundaries You will often give up your boundaries What is your weakness- Guilt? "What if they don't like me"? Loneliness Avoidance Ask yourself "What am i willing to actually enforce?" Remember that if you set a boundary and don't implement it, you are teaching them that your boundaries can be safely ignored. This can make things even worse for you. Aftermath- Relationships must grow If you're afraid of the relationship being ruined, well, sometimes aspects of relationships need to be ruined. 24-96 hrs after enforcement- Feedback conversation Actively reach out to the person "Hey mom how are you? I know I stepped off the phone yesterday, what was that like for you?" "Are you ok with what i did? Did you feel hurt? Can you tell me a bit about that?" Don't change your boundary, but ask to understand their perspective. This is important because some of your boundaries may be unreasonable. So you need feedback. Express feedback and potential gratitude- "Hey mom I'm really glad that you didn't immediately call me again. And that you answered up my phone today." "I know that you're feeling upset about that. And I'm grateful that you're choosing to respect my boundary here. It means a lot to me." "This makes it so much easier for me to call you. I kept noticing, because you kept asking me about this, I felt like I didn't even want to talk to you. I'd started avoiding your call. And that's not the kind of relationship i want with you." This makes it hard for them to stay mad at you. Process your emotions externally. You will be pretty pissed at them breaking that boundary. "I told you i didn't want you to do that!!!" ----Don't say this Instead you need to appear Calm, cool and collected. So you need to take your emotions somewhere else. Vent to a 3rd party. Remember one step at a time. You need to gradually tighten a boundary. Go slow and be patient.
Thank you a lot, this makes it easier to gain access to this information. I like doctor K's videos, they are interesting enough that i can watch them for a pretty long time, but ADHD and depression makes it hard even if i want to watch it.
@@Dice-Z You're welcome. I have ADHD too so this helps me as well. Tell you what, I'll edit my answer to make it shorter, so only the important stuff is there.
I think this is a video a lot of people need. I had to deal with being raised by a narcissistic mom, so my sense of boundaries is absolute shit. Even to the point I feel guilty if I try to make one. This video is going to be helpful.
I recently found out I’m exactly the same. I recently learned how to set boundaries lol. I asked my mum to clean up before she wants me to cook for her. She lost her mind and kicked me out XD
@@poisonouscarnage2289 Losing your home because you don't want to do what your mother tells you to do in her house isn't the point. If you are in a vulnerable state, this isn't the video for you. If you could've already done so good for you though. Just saying that you were dealing with vulnerabilities holding you back. Can't lay boundaries on someone else's floor.
@@TheRealNickG yeah you have a good point, I guess the problem too me is that there seems to be no meeting in the middle. I’m doing well now and since I moved out the relationship has started to improve wich is good
For real for like 5 vids in a row he posted something oddly relevant to what I was struggling with that week, and it was like🤔 I must be in the matrix 🤣
@@nicholasgannas5018 I think that’s true to some extent, but we all come from different backgrounds so it’s hard to tell what problems are shared among the majority.
I'm so glad that someone is putting valuable information like this out there for free 🥰 I only started enforcing my boundaries with people relatively recently and I ended up just removing more people from my life because they insisted on crossing them..life's better without them but maybe I should have told them that I'd remove them from my life if they kept it up
You can also contact them later to ask how they are and what they think. Some people I think figure things out after they had some time to think and calm down. You can maybe even apologize if your communication was not entirely clear. Even if they don't listen, you might feel better.
Depends how much they crossed those boundaries, if it was a lack of common sense, and what the boundaries are about. In some cases you may be justified in not giving an explanation or warning, but in general i'd say it's common decency to give a warning, especially if you blow up after letting it simmer quietly for too long.
Nah, they just use that chance to guilt trip you and try to make you come back. At least, that's how it's been for me. If they can't respect your boundaries simply because they care about you then fuck em. You did the right thing.
Yeah thats always good. Its a neutral statement that really freaks people out. "I need this. I WILL respect myself so if im not getting that, or you're denying me that, i will choose for myself first."
34:20 His sudden shift into 'the voice' was so accurate that it caught me by surprise. I felt as if my whole extended family just Raibow Six Sieged through the walls and windows into my room (and head) and just started reciting every event through out my life. I am crylaughing shit and tears under my desk. 10/10 coaching. Can recommend, changed my life.
I am late on comment but: that voice always gets me. And in the way you describe! I am not even remotely (well maybe very very remotely, few hundred years remotely) indian! How that even works I don't get it?!
I need this so baaaad. I have a ton of triggers and things that trully hurt me because of autism, misophonia, and childhood trauma. Plus I have had a lot of bad experiences trying to set boundaries with narcissistic people... Having to set one sends me into intense anxiety spirals
Be carefull with narcissistic people, they tend to see your boundary as a personal attack on themselfs. They can be really toxic if your are sensitive to their emotional manipulation.
@@micheller3251 I'm proud you found the courage to get help. I know how hard it is to realize that you are not the one at fault. Wish you the best and hope you find the strenght again within you to overcome your traumas.
This is really good but I've always wondered how you set boundaries with people you can't enforce consequences with. Roommates, children living under parents, etc etc. You can't separate from these people if things go badly. You are stuck with them and their undesired behavior. Ultimately I've always felt stuck in these situations.
This feels really hard to do with your parents when you live with your parents. I thank Dr. K for the work he is doing to help all of this with this, as well as all of his other invaluable content
I remember when I was homeless after my stepdad died, my uncle offered to take care of my dog. When I asked the snide, abusive piece of crap that he married to stop harassing me over text, she called me a 'fucking joke' and dumped the dog back on us while we were stranded in a Motel 6 -- because SHE threw us out. It was the most toxic shit. I started a job at Amazon, but they took a month to vet me. So she literally SHRIEKED at my family, 'GET OUT, GET OUT, GET OUT!!!!' and used the couch to barricade...the...sliding glass door...and then told her hubby, 'Nooo, I didn't mean it literally, I never raised my voice, they must have misunderstood.' The constant lies and backstabbing were insufferable. When I told my uncle how she was behaving, he told me I needed to 'learn that my actions have consequences.' The consequences of _her_ abusive actions were never discussed. I had a manager use that line on me after firing me because I had a panic attack. It's so fascinating how these people think I'm the only one whose actions require 'consequences,' and that 'consequence' means 'whatever petty or borderline personal reaction another person may have.' Now I'm taking care of my mom, because being homeless nearly killed us both, and I can't set boundaries with her either. Every time I try, it turns into a giant fight. People think they get to walk all over me and then blame me for the 'consequences of my actions.'
Im so so sorry that you have to go through such a horrible experience. Since I've had my own experiences here's what I can tell you. I can tell that you feel responsible for taking care of everyone around you and your value comes from that. What I've learned is that your value doesn't come from doing but being. Think about it. When we come into this world we are innocent and helpess but we still have value. Just existing makes you valuable. And if you are valuable then you deserve to be loved and respected. If someone is inappropriate with you then you owe it to yourself to stand up for yourself. Fight for yourself. Become the adult that the child you needed. Be in your corner always even if no one else is. And always know that you're not alone in your fight. Hugs ❤
This feels like something that should be taught in a required class in high school. Definitely wasn't taught in my high school or college though, not even in an elective psychology class I took.
For me (and I think for a lot of people) the most helpful thing BY FAR is just to hear words that are examples of someone setting healthy boundaries. I read a lot and have a fairly large vocabulary, but when it comes to setting boundaries it's like I literally had no vocabulary for it at all. I knew no words. Just learning a couple of phrases, repeating them to myself, even practicing the delivery, did a lot for me.
I've been taking in and listening to Dr K's videos for almost a month. And I've seen mostly people from other countries here. I think the reason is that K's advice comes from a non-usa perspective. I've been consuming lots of material and advice, mainly from English, usa sources. While i found the material very interesting it always seemed "too american" for me, in the sense that its not really how I was raised nor think. But Dr K teaches you and comes from an Eastern perspetive, which is more akin and normal for other collectivist cultures. His advice is more akin to something my mother or a relative would say to me. I think thats why there's so many viewers from latin america, asia, europe and so on. I dont know, I just think thats the reason his advice is so memorable and resonates with me.
Re: ADHD, aside from what Dr K said, I think that with people who have ADHD it may be worth it to emphasize that the boundaries aren't any kind of personal attack on them, because that may be what their emotional dysregulation is telling them, that your boundaries are code for "I hate you and I'm trying to put distance between us" instead of the opposite.
Are you inside my head? Because yeah. Also, when a new rule is implemented, it sometimes takes me 2-3 tries before I remember it. I often remember I was/was not supposed to do something in the middle of doing/not doing it :( I am not doing it on purpose, my brain just does not connect the info. And the more it matters to me, the more stressed I am and therefore more likely to forget :(
its gonna feel weird, its gonna feel like you're changing who you are, its gonna feel like you're an asshole. some celebs who are people pleasers struggle with this when fans ask for autographs, they would push or guilt trip if the celeb is eating or working out. some people can't take a no, can't handle it, makes you feel like shit, but remember, you can't control how they react. we're just doing what we need to, and that's taking care of ourselves first. others come later.
If you set boundaries and enforce in the same moment, it looks like you're being controlling and manipulative because you take away the chance for the other person to plan around the boundaries you want people to respect.
Aww yeah I'm so pumped for the self boundaries video I have a feeling it's going to be pretty similar to this one, set boundaries that are reasonable, and make sure to enforce them. Enforcing for yourself does seem harder.
i legit had this conversation with my psychiatrist couple days ago and ever since then i have been learning to voice myself and letting my friends and family know my boundaries which is something i have never even considered bringing up before, so this is very helpful!
I always love so hard in terms of friendships and closeness, and I feel like I’m taken for granted a lot. When I do feel like that, I try to discuss it with them and if they shut me out by saying things like “it’s your problem” I don’t take it anymore. It sucks when i set boundaries and then people are like “what’s wrong?” And the answer is literally nothing is wrong; I’m just giving you less attention because I’m focusing my energy on other things.
Just an alternative outcome which I did as a kid, if my parents (who were honestly great parents) told me "no gaming after X time if you don't improve in school", all i really did was just play the times i was allowed and hated school even more and did worse on purpose to show them that these are not the ways you get me to improve. Maybe I was stupid yeah but it worked most of the time. I didn't value gaming over doing what they tell me to do, always wanted to be as independant in my choices as possible.
this came at the right time. I always had the thought of “If i set this boundary, they may never talk to me again” so end up just not following through with it.
I legit gave my mom a cat, when she asked "when are you going to get married and give me grandkidsss???" "mom, you banned me from befriending girls, let alone get a gf. now you ask for a grandkid? here (I scooped my cat), how about this? (I gave her the cat, and stormed off the house) she never asked again
This came at a great time, my mom assaulted me on my birthday a few days ago, (I'm staying at my aunt's house now) and I'm going to have to have this conversation with my parents when I decide to go back
It came at a great time for me also, and I couldn't be more grateful. My s/o and I moved in with my in-laws to save for a house and it's very difficult for them not parent and criticize us even though we're very stable adults. I hope everything works out well for you.
I enjoy grinding in a game when listening to your talks.. but they are so good I actually stop and put the controller to pay more attention several times. Love how you break down concepts.
I literally just went to therapy for the first time in my life. Learned about setting boundaries. Then out of nowhere comes this video about setting boundaries. 😆 Super informative and helpful.
I love this breakdown. I've just had to let go of someone who routinely for years has ignored my boundaries. You know what? He got bolder over the years. The consequences are hard, I'm heart broken.. but I have to hope that my strength comes from caring about myself enough to have people in my life who respect me.
Fantastic informative video. I just sent it to my group chat because I think there is a lot of utility in actively learning about how to have good relationship practices on a conscious level. Very black and white step by step guide. Love it. Keep killing it Dr. K!
I needed this so badly right now, the family on my mothers side are all rich suckers that don't want anything to do with me unless I'm spending a lot of money. and i mean a lot! in the ten thousands euro's
@@smorevids its not about fiscal responsibilities, its more about throwing a party and i should at least spent 10K or their standards are not met. i mean I'm a graphic and web designer and i make enough money to provide for myself and go on vacation a few times a year but all i get when i see that side of the family is that I'm not wearing special branded clothing that cost like 4k for a pair of shoes and why i cant rent a entire castle to throw a party like the rest does.
@@radiationgeneration4006 That's ridiculous. Tell them to f*** off and waste their own money. That's what I would to. But it took me decades to learn to stand up for myself. The good thing about getting older is that you don't give a f*** anymore.😏
@@radiationgeneration4006 Damn dude that sucks. Just tell them they should be grateful you aren't in poverty 😂 You're doing just fine bro, trust me. I live in poverty and I would kill to have a vacation! Fuckin rich people 🙄 I swear they care about the stupidest shit in the world.
I’ve been going to therapy for over a year and yet this segment was the most profoundly helpful and practical educational experience regarding boundaries I’ve experienced. Cheers Dr!!! *Not knocking therapy at all btw! It has helped me in certain areas for which I’m grateful, I’m just realizing that Dr. K’s teaching style works really well for me. :)
Damn the comment about the wedding near the end. I want to basically do this (although I'm not getting married). I don't like my parents. I've realised, after much denial, growing up in their care was torment. "What if they never talk to you again?" - I'd be fine with that.
This is one of the most helpful videos I've ever listened to. Everyone should learn this, especially people who are/will be parents. I'm astounded by how eloquently this was structured and spoken. Thank you!
This one should be a highlight for your videos because it can really be applied to anyone you meet! I for once am downloading it to have it on hand whenever I need a reminder! 1. For my family 2. For any future relationship I creat with coworkers 3. (Most importantly) for my children and how to discipline them, how to set boundaries and how to guide them on a much healthier path that I could have had!
I mean eh, it all depends on you the therapist and the context. I like these vids a lot but with a therapist I’ve personally found it very helpful. Different things for different people and all that ig
These videos get straight to the point and that itself saves so energy and time in therapy. It’s been super helpful taking what I’ve learned here and continue discussing it with a therapist to better understand how it all applies to me specifically.
Last year I had to take the final step of cutting my mom out of my life after so many times of telling her to not try to guilt trip me into not keeping boundaries set or trying to gaslight me about what happened as I was growing up. It's still hard to not message her to tell her about things in my life or ask about hers, but I know that letting her back into mine, my wife, and my children's lives would only be detrimental to our long term mental health.
Highly recommend Dr. K's guide. I'm about 70% through since December, and some of his points on eating, keeping the gastrointestinal organs clean, electronics avoidance, consistently getting up early- I can confirm that's all very true. If I let any of those variables get a little too much out of tolerance, then I usually end up having a bad day...if I keep it all in check, it's very likely I'll have a positive day.
Thank you for including that advice for ADHD at the end! While mostly all I can realistically do to deal with my entitled/narcissistic parents while my son and I live with them is bide my time until I finish my degree and get hired to move to Japan, when it comes to consistent discipline with my 6-year-old son, I struggle so hard because we BOTH have ADHD and ODD and we are both very volatile emotionally, but also best friends (not in a “cool parent” or codependent toxic way). While I’m drowning in coursework, and also fending off toxic jabs from my unempathetic parents, it’s almost been unthinkable to start figuring out structured, set boundaries and consequences for him beyond yelling and ineffective punishments in the moment, especially while everything I do is constantly being undermined anyway. Thankfully, next week I’m on spring break, so I think I’ll have a talk with the kiddo to work out a plan together and have it printed out somewhere for both of us since we share the working memory of a golden retriever puppy.
I have a friend who he and his wife have become hoarders. The last time I went to their house I had to fight gagging and throwing up because it smelled so bad while I was there. I told them after that that going forward, I would not be coming into their house. Its not fair for me to feel that uncomfortable the entire time. I have no right to tell them to clean their house, but I just wont be coming inside. We can grab food in town or hangout outside of the house, but I will not be coming over.
just recently stumbled upon your channel and now i am lucky enough to see a fresh video being uploaded. thanks so much for your effort, i've learned a lot about myself and others through your content
One of the best advice videos on TH-cam. Very well organised thoughts and very easy to comprehend due to the relatable examples. Hahaha bro your tone and voice when you do the indian parents are epic!!!
This has been the most helpful videos I have watched in a long time. I wish I had known this 20 years ago... moving forward this will be an asset in my social toolbelt as I can already see its application in dealing wth other interpersonal skills. Thank you.
This is a good video. I recently had a bad breakup with a friend that i've known for years and it was extremely painful. Though watching this video it was sorta clear why so much friction was generated overtime. I was usually the one that seek to work things out and repair any issues we were having between us. However this person would just get angry, leave and avoid engaging with me at all until I came with an apology. I had to navigate boundaries myself and sometimes they would come appear and disappear on a whim. I had a desire for the relationship to grow and all this navigation was making me frustrated. Overtime I stopped wandering the invisible maze and started making a beeline to my destination, brute forcing my way through any walls I came across. It was discovered later that person was choosing who they wanted close to based on ever changing information and interactions. It was less of a maze and more of a trial. If you pass, you can move closer. If you fail, you get a random wall and you're chastised for trying to get around it. There was just no consistency, so I was set up to fail unless I preformed perfectly without any information to go on. I wanted a growing relationship and this person wanted an exclusive club for the people who interest them the most. I'm just happy knowing that everything wasn't my fault and I really tried my best. It really erodes your self confidence when you mess something up without ever knowing why or what you should have done. It's good to know it wasn't due to my ignorance but rather the other person constantly changing the goalpost based on how they feel that day.
Glad you were able to figure this out for yourself. Some of the biggest pieces of shit in one’s life can be right in front of you without you even knowing
I've had to set boundaries and cut off people in the past because I have felt like a doormat. I've felt that people in my friend groups would make rules that only applied to me and no one else. And for a long time I would just accept it because I thought there was something wrong with me. But when I finally have enough, call them out and set boundaries I get called sensitive and other things that make it seem that it's all in my head, so I cut them off. Could it be that the rules they set for me are boundaries? It's usually something like, "you can't come with us, or you can't bring this or you can't do this" even though they do the very thing themselves. I've also felt that there was a racial component to it. How do you handle this kind of thing.
@@TurningTesting In the end it seems that when I set the boundaries, it's ever between me and them, others get involved and side with them. Again, they call me sensitive even if I tell them that they are pushing rules on me that only apply to me. It's like others are enabling those I set boundaries for because, and this is what they say, "You're making them feel bad" and my feelings never count. Again, I think there might be a racial component to this.
That really sucks. I get this alot at a work. I liked my work and use to work hard because I had loyalty and pride where I worked at. This led to me often doing the work for other and got taken advantage of for that. I wouldnt mind helping someone if they were backed up but if they start asking me to help them when they arent doing shit was when I figured it out. I called out their bullshit to the managers higher ups and guess what, nothing happen . Why, because they themselves were lazy mofo who had other people do work for them which was us underlings. Sure but if I'm seen chilling they call me out and set me to do work that wasnt my area. All it did was paint a target on me. Different situations similar aspect. Boundaries and respect go hand in hand, they gave me neither.
One of the most helpful videos I have ever seen, also great timing for me I really needed that right now! Thank you Dr.K for your videos, they have helped me so much alongside my current cunseling sessions :)
I’m a newcomer to the channel and I absolutely love it. I’m making my way through the videos right now, and I have a suggestion. I don’t know if you’ve covered this topic before, but take a look at toxicity surrounding alcohol abuse in families. It’s a huge and underlooked/unseen problem that affects tens of millions of people, myself included. Lots to digest, unpack and explain but I think it would be good!
I was bullied by my so called bestfriends when i graduated hs. These guys were so relentless i had to leave the friend group when i met others who were nice. Sad to hear so many have dealt with that bs in life. My heart goes out to those who know 😮
As someone who lost a friend because they didn't know any of these and completely failed to set boundaries correctly, this couldn't be more accurate If they'd done even one of these things, our relationship might've had a chance People can't respect your boundaries if you don't tell them what they are. That's step one. Unless they're actively trying to be a jerk or something, any line crossing that happens before you draw lines isn't on them, it's on you. So don't hold grudges against them for that, they didn't have a choice, because choice requires knowledge of the options Second step, tell em before or in-between needing to set boundaries. Neither of you are equipped to either set or internalize boundaries while feelings are running hot. It won't work. Trying to set a boundary while someone's trying to cross it feels like an insult to that person, so they won't be able to understand that this isn't a one time resistance, but a pre-meditated boundary. And they'll probably be concerned as to why you're setting said boundary now, and pry more Acknowledging the other prospective is important too, though less catastrophic than the first two if missed Generally the other person is crossing boundaries because either they aren't aware of the social norms (shout-out to neurodivergents) or they're concerned about you. Or both The easiest way to enforce a boundary is for the other person to feel no need to cross it. So if they aren't aware that they're missing a social rule, asking them why they're doing whatever will bring that to the surface, and then you can teach them about it. Boom, everyone wins And if they're doing it out of concern of some kind, they get an opportunity to explain their concern, which could benefit you if it's valid and they opened your eyes to something. But at the very least, it will help alleviate their concern if they are able to make you aware of it, and you give them a straight answer of "I see where you're coming from, but I am not concerned about it (insert reasons for why if you want to) That's probably one of the few things my friend did right, I made the social faux pas of expressing to my friend my concern that they were maybe spending too much time with their boyfriend and letting their other relationships slip. And they let me know in no uncertain terms that, they were in fact balancing things well, they just weren't investing in our relationship because she didn't want to Which, I daresay was unnecessarily harsh, and it hurt a lot because I wasn't asking her to invest in our relationship, I was just concerned because it was the middle of the pandemic, she was seeming stressed, was spending a lot of time with her boyfriend, and as far as I'm aware, teenagers overprioritizing romantic relationships and suffering for it is hardly rare. So I was not expecting her to basically scream "I don't actually care about you that much" at me But, it did the trick, I learned that the half of their life that I was seeing and was making me think her romantic relationship was the problem was simply not the full picture, and thus my diagnosis was wrong Since I'm telling this story, I might as well finish it by saying that while she was telling me I wasn't a social priority to her, she might as well have told me that the stress I was seeing was actually being caused by me, and my trying to be a friend for her when she didn't want me to be a friend, and thus crossing a bunch of boundaries Rather than saving that little nugget of truth until later when she tried to set those boundaries when she was even more furious and angry at my transgressions Anywho, I really can't blame either party for what happened. We were both teens, didn't know the information in this video, and I was neurodivergent and didn't know how friendship works, and certainly not how to pick up on whatever social cues she was dropping But I beg everyone who has read this far to heed the lesson of my story, and learn how to set boundaries properly. For not only the other person's mental health, but also your own, because in my example, it was failing to set boundaries that caused stress to build up, which was picked up on by your's truly, and I caused more stress by trying to help And from my experience, the things Dr K is saying here are pretty darn accurate, so start by implementing what he says
I'm about 3 minutes in the video. Hearing someone talk about how to actually deal with setting a boundary feels like a weight lifted off of my shoulders. Whenever I personally set a boundary I always think about it too much, "have i been firm enough?" "have i been too firm?". People don't expect it from a light-hearted person like I am. Which makes it difficult for people to take me seriously. Whatever lesson(s) I will learn from this video, the most important thing to me is that people talk about setting boundaries more openly, its a taboo where I come from especially. Just wanted to share my thoughts :) thanks for the video!
Wow talk about timing, this is exactly what happened to my family last week. Boundary setting was something I never thought would really think would be a family thing
My parents fucked me up in opposite ways regarding boundaries. My mom would set ridiculous consequences and pretty much never enforce them, whereas my dad created ridiculous boundaries like, don't get below a certain GPA in college or else you're dead to me. And enforced them.
Thank you for this. I learned so much from this video. I wish I had sought out a resource like this 3-4 years ago, when I was struggling in a toxic relationship. I do have a question, though. How do you know what's a reasonable boundary to set? For example, whenever my ex and I spent "quality time" together, cuddling and/or talking about our feelings and whatever, it would drag out for four, five, sometimes six hours. This often involved deep, emotional discussions of her numerous emotional and mental health issues, and/or a desire for physical intimacy of one kind or another. I am in no way expert at either, and nothing I did ever seemed to be enough for her. It was absolutely exhausting for me. Trying to be enough for her became like my full time job. She would say "why don't we cuddle for just 20 mins," and then an hour would go by, and she still hasn't indicated that it was enough, that she was happy, that she was satisfied. Just as you say, you can't set boundaries suddenly, arbitrarily, right in the middle of something, so I would think to myself, okay, I'll give it another 15-30 mins, see if maybe this time that might be enough for her. In any case, it's the path of least resistance - trying to step away at that point would only incur anger, disappointment, etc. So I'd tell myself, another 15-30 mins. But then an hour would go by, and another, and another, and I would only get more and more physically and emotionally drained. And she still never said it was enough - never said "thank you for spending time with me, I'm really happy/content/satisfied now." Never said "okay, that's enough, I have work to do" or "I know you have work to do," or "okay, why don't we go make dinner." Instead, I would just keep giving of myself, keep trying to wait it out, hoping that maybe eventually if I gave her enough of my time and attention, it might eventually be enough. So, here's the question: I finally worked up the courage to try to discuss boundaries with her. But I felt weird about setting an arbitrary time limit. We can't cuddle or talk about emotional stuff for more than an hour. Or 45 mins. Or an hour and a half. I'm setting a timer, and once that timer goes off, I'm walking away. I have work to do, I need to eat, I need to sleep, I need to relax and have time to myself. The justification, I thought, was reasonable. But what's a reasonable time limit? Or, what's a reasonable way to do this? How do you establish something like this without seeming antagonistic? Without seeming like a bad boyfriend? How do you enforce your boundaries while also allowing for exceptions? There were many days when she was having a particularly bad time - panic attacks, whathaveyou. "This time is different." And sometimes, yeah, it is different. So how do you know how to draw those lines? Similarly, she would text/message me all day, every day. I was constantly anxious about her thinking I was ignoring her if I didn't check my phone constantly. Or, perhaps more to the point, I was constantly afraid that there'd be some kind of emergency. That not checking my phone most of the time was fine, but how am I to know when she's really trying to reach me, really needs me? And, one important bit, this woman has an extremely skewed sense of what is and isn't an emergency, what is and isn't reasonable to ask. So, I couldn't rely on her to draw reasonable boundaries about what to contact me about and what not. So, I was tempted to suggest a boundary to her, no texting me between 9 and 5. Or between 10 and 3. Or between those hours but only on certain days of the week. Or, I wish it had occurred to me at the time, something like, you can text me but you cannot expect a response back until after 3, or 5, or whatever. But, I guess the key point: how do I know where to draw the line? If I said I need at least 4 hours to myself every day, well, I was tempted to say 10, and wasn't sure if instead of saying 4, whether I could get away with saying 5 or 6.... So, how do you know what's reasonable to ask? Thank you.
This is how I see girls setting boundaries. They will reply to you a day late, and only after 5PM, say at 6PM every single day. You're texting back and forth and just when it gets good, after 20 minutes, the girl says she has to go now. Dinner or pick up a package or take a shower or something with roommate. OK, she just disappears. As for cuddling, you can state we cuddle only after dinner is cooked, we both finished eating, watching a movie after 8PM preparing to go to bed, then we can cuddle starting at 8PM and all night long, but in the morning you have to go to work again.
I recently broke a friends boundary, managed to not outwardly be angry at all, and eventually we made up, but man oh man does it hurt to have no one listen to you during a breakdown. I understand that I needed to turn to therapy, and I did, but me breaking a boundary not on purpose is embarrassing 😵
I set a boundary with an ex friend/girlfriend to not come by my work because our relationship ended badly and it made me uncomfortable to see her. I asked her to not come by my work because it made me uncomfortable to which she told me that I have no right to tell her where she can and cannot go and that I wasn’t working there anymore so it didn’t matter. I said I am not telling you, I’m asking you. Since that wasn’t respected I cut her off and we haven’t spoken since. It made me feel so powerless to have done the right thing which was setting the boundary and it was disregarded in a second. I suppose me cutting her off was the consequence but it still feels incredibly frustrating to have it play out like that. Like finally I’m able to voice what I will not stand for and this person has no understanding of what they’re entitled to. She has bpd so I think there’s a misunderstanding of boundaries in general on her part but even though I know that it remains frustrating to me. It makes me feel like if I have another situation where I have to set this kind of boundary I’m going to end up frustrated and powerless again even though I think I’ve done what I can with the knowledge and understanding so far. If anyone has some insight I would love to hear it. It’s a daily occurrence to I think back on a couple of these situations (thanks CPTSD) and it’s dysregulating to feel the exact awful emotions as i did then. I’ve come a long way but this is a big speed bump to my recovery because it makes me question my choices.
People absolutely hate when you set boundaries AFTER you meet them. If you have boundaries when you first meet, people don't really mind. But if you set a new boundary after they have known you for a while, it makes them go nuts.
This is soooo true, but I'll say that many people don't like when others change in general, even when it has nothing to do with them. I'm not sure why it is, but that's what I've observed a lot and what others around me have observed as well.
People also freak out on boundaries in the first meet.
@@micheller3251 I think it has to do with the fact that seeing someone change points out that you can change too if you would try, so it shines a light on your insecurities. Change is scary because it leads to new territory A.K.A the unknown and there is nothing the ego fears more than the unknown.
This is why it is so hard to set boundaries with family members.
Absolutely agree. They also tend to react quite shocked that they can't take advantage of you and "that you've changed so much".
It took me decades to learn it, but I'm so good at it now. I don't care how I might come across at all.
Actual experience trying to set a boundary with an entitled family member.
I'd get home from work, go to my room to get undressed. My aunt goes into my room and starts telling me about her day and follows me into the bathroom until I turn on the water.
With the help of a therapist, I set the boundary "Don't come into my room when I arrive. You can tell me about your day after I've showered."
She stopped doing it for a week. Next week she waltzes in, mocks my voice "Don't come into my room" and laughs. I tell her to leave, in different words she says I'm too sensitive.
That was the smallest of issues. A month or so after that, I moved out
Thank god you've moved out. If you were any younger that might have turned into something really ugly.
Lack of privacy is a huge one that makes me so upset.
One SUPER important thing I've learned About proper healthy boundaries is that our boundaries are all about us, not controlling others' behavior. So a rewording of the first boundary could be "I'm not going to talk to you about my romantic life. My request is you honor my boundary by not asking about it" then if they still ask, it's our own job to uphold our boundary: they ask, don't answer. Perhaps remind them of the boundary
He is on a roll this week, everything has been what I needed lol
Same for me, last 3 video titles resonated with me rather than just being interesting
You’re not lying
He’s on a mf roll
It's actually eerie man 😂 he's in our heads forreal
bro its getting freaking scary he uploads antidotes to my questions a day after i ask them
Agreed on the ball 1000%
6:29 Articulate boundary
15:51 Implementing boundary
27:10 Pitfalls
39:46 In the moment
45:00 Aftermath
Thank you.
Thank you for this!
King
Yo boo, you the real MVP!
Thank you!
Setting boundaries is a hard thing to do depending on what kind of household you have. Like, setting boundaries in a Filipino household where it is most likely that people are very conservative and close-minded; they would even guilt trip you by saying that you are still living under their roof therefore you should comply to everything they say. But I am sure that these lessons are a great help to many viewers around the world, Thanks Dr. K!
But as he also said: if you're in that situation, time is on your side. Eventually you won't be needing "their roof", so you can set boundaries with them when you become independant and has the ability to move out.
@@4xzx4 It is quite hard to set boundaries with parents on a culturally narcisistic society, even after you leave their home.
@@mechanicallydev4536 Yup, parents can be complicated. But they are still like other people.
Yeah same boat, no matter how airtight your argument is they're always going to fall back on that card and shame you into obedience without even trying to understand you or hear what you have to say.
In reality it shouldn't matter how old you are or what your nationality is, you deserve to be understood and respected as a human being. Being your parent doesn't change that, and you should be grateful for their sacrifice, sure; but you are always entitled to setting your own boundaries, regardless of relationship.
same 4 my fam and im no Filipino, appreciate people speaking their truths
Because they cross the boundaries anyway and when we point to that fact they start to rant.
Instead of just setting boundaries, sometimes we have to kick people out from our lives.
That's the endgame of repeatedly broken boundaries and lack of respect, yes.
@@anthonyskrzypczak9437 Absolutely, in those cases, we need to move on.
One of the things about learning to set boundaries for the first time as an adult that no one tells you is that if you've been a doormat your whole life, you've likely surrounded yourself with people who won't respect your boundaries.
If you're prepared to change how you approach life you should be aware that its a possibility that you're going to lose a lot of the friends/partners Where the entire basis of the relationship is that you don’t have boundaries.
Hi! Im a 43 yr old mexican woman. Recently diagnosed with ADHD. A nurse and work in psychiatry, let me tell you... school was sooo hard, but I did great. I grew up with a single mom and 5 siblings for 13 yrs in the north of mexico. It was toxic AF, but I know we did the best we could. Growing up realized my biggest hardship always grownded from poor boundaries and I got to say that this is the most helpful and practical information I have ever come by.
You ate not too harsh or anything along those lines. This is clear pure GOLD. 👑
Thank you sooo much. ❤️
as an indian i love when he takes sucker punches on some aspects of Indian culture that he's probably seen people repeatedly troubled by kekw.
Felt what you said about not being allowed to date then being pestered on why I’m not in a relationship as an East Asian female!! I also realized my family not letting me date made me super weird and afraid of commitment since I’d have hide the guys I’d date and basically wasn’t able to see anything long term with anyone
Asians are contradictory like that. Conservative in that they don't want you to date. Then you hit a certain age and then they wonder why you don't have a partner yet.
That was very hard on you.
Index-
Articulating Boundary
Implementing Boundaries
Pitfalls
Aftermath of boundary setting
Articulating a boundary
The boundary should be very clear
The boundary should be very behavioral in nature
"When we talk on the phone, don't ask about when I'm going to marry"(towards a parent who keeps annoying you)
Start with a small boundary
It's an over time process
You can't expect people to make drastic adjustments over night
Start by implementing a tiny boundary at first
Don't start with "You can never ask me about marriage".
Start with "not on the phone".
Provide a very simple reason
Preferable 1 sentence
We try to give multiple reasons to make it easier for us and them (so we both don't feel as bad)
But instead more reasons will invite more argument
More reasons will make it look more like a discussion to them
Laying out a boundary isn't a discussion
Implementing a Boundary
Don't Lay the boundary when you should be enforcing it.
If you say "no more video games after 10" then don't lay the boundary at 10
Do it at 2 in the day. Or tell them "starting this sunday".
You want to give people some time to understand the boundary. So give them advance notice.
Acknowledge their perspective.
One of the most common counterarguments is "you don't understand..."
Clarify their understanding.
Ask them what they understood about your boundary
"I just wanna make sure we're on the same page, what did you understand about what i want to talk about on the phone and what i dont wanna talk about on the phone"
Offer them anticipatory consequences.
First thank them
"Just so you know mom, I'm so glad that you understood and heard me that i dont wanna talk about marriage everytime we talk on the phone. That really means a lot to me"
Then tell them the consequences-
"If in the future you decide to ask me on phone, just understand that I'm gonna remind you that you broke your promise and I'm gonna end the conversation."
"If you're playing games after 10 PM, then no games for the next 48 hours."
Try to make the consequences relatively small for them in the start.
The consequences should be behavioral (like you retreating from the conversation) rather than you just shouting your emotions at them.
Ask them what they understood again.
You wanna make sure they understand it well.
"Hey I'm sorry I'm asking this again and again, I just wanna make sure you understand this properly."
Pitfalls
Avoid lengthy explanations.
You will try lengthy explanations because you wish "Don't be mad at me"
This wish is one of the biggest reasons people screw up their boundaries
Avoid engaging their justifications
Prepare for the consequences you'll be facing as well
It can be emotionally painful
You might feel lonely for a while
They might guilt trip you
They will treat you differently for a while
Emotional drivers to compromising your boundaries
You will often give up your boundaries
What is your weakness-
Guilt?
"What if they don't like me"?
Loneliness Avoidance
Ask yourself "What am i willing to actually enforce?"
Remember that if you set a boundary and don't implement it, you are teaching them that your boundaries can be safely ignored. This can make things even worse for you.
Aftermath-
Relationships must grow
If you're afraid of the relationship being ruined, well, sometimes aspects of relationships need to be ruined.
24-96 hrs after enforcement- Feedback conversation
Actively reach out to the person
"Hey mom how are you? I know I stepped off the phone yesterday, what was that like for you?"
"Are you ok with what i did? Did you feel hurt? Can you tell me a bit about that?"
Don't change your boundary, but ask to understand their perspective.
This is important because some of your boundaries may be unreasonable. So you need feedback.
Express feedback and potential gratitude-
"Hey mom I'm really glad that you didn't immediately call me again. And that you answered up my phone today."
"I know that you're feeling upset about that. And I'm grateful that you're choosing to respect my boundary here. It means a lot to me."
"This makes it so much easier for me to call you. I kept noticing, because you kept asking me about this, I felt like I didn't even want to talk to you. I'd started avoiding your call. And that's not the kind of relationship i want with you."
This makes it hard for them to stay mad at you.
Process your emotions externally.
You will be pretty pissed at them breaking that boundary.
"I told you i didn't want you to do that!!!" ----Don't say this
Instead you need to appear Calm, cool and collected.
So you need to take your emotions somewhere else. Vent to a 3rd party.
Remember one step at a time.
You need to gradually tighten a boundary.
Go slow and be patient.
Thanks, this is helpful.
thank you so much!!
Thank you a lot, this makes it easier to gain access to this information. I like doctor K's videos, they are interesting enough that i can watch them for a pretty long time, but ADHD and depression makes it hard even if i want to watch it.
@@Dice-Z You're welcome. I have ADHD too so this helps me as well. Tell you what, I'll edit my answer to make it shorter, so only the important stuff is there.
Good job bro thank you
I think this is a video a lot of people need. I had to deal with being raised by a narcissistic mom, so my sense of boundaries is absolute shit. Even to the point I feel guilty if I try to make one. This video is going to be helpful.
I recently found out I’m exactly the same. I recently learned how to set boundaries lol. I asked my mum to clean up before she wants me to cook for her. She lost her mind and kicked me out XD
Jesus this guy is me
@@poisonouscarnage2289 Losing your home because you don't want to do what your mother tells you to do in her house isn't the point. If you are in a vulnerable state, this isn't the video for you. If you could've already done so good for you though. Just saying that you were dealing with vulnerabilities holding you back. Can't lay boundaries on someone else's floor.
@@TheRealNickG yeah you have a good point, I guess the problem too me is that there seems to be no meeting in the middle. I’m doing well now and since I moved out the relationship has started to improve wich is good
@@TheRealNickG also another point. I was paying rent and a good amount at that so it’s not really just her house at that point
This is something I’ve been struggling with. His timing is always good
For real for like 5 vids in a row he posted something oddly relevant to what I was struggling with that week, and it was like🤔 I must be in the matrix 🤣
@@muderbuder he’s a mind reader lol
Everyone deep down has the same problems
@@nicholasgannas5018 I think that’s true to some extent, but we all come from different backgrounds so it’s hard to tell what problems are shared among the majority.
I'm so glad that someone is putting valuable information like this out there for free 🥰 I only started enforcing my boundaries with people relatively recently and I ended up just removing more people from my life because they insisted on crossing them..life's better without them but maybe I should have told them that I'd remove them from my life if they kept it up
You can also contact them later to ask how they are and what they think. Some people I think figure things out after they had some time to think and calm down. You can maybe even apologize if your communication was not entirely clear. Even if they don't listen, you might feel better.
Depends how much they crossed those boundaries, if it was a lack of common sense, and what the boundaries are about. In some cases you may be justified in not giving an explanation or warning, but in general i'd say it's common decency to give a warning, especially if you blow up after letting it simmer quietly for too long.
Nah, they just use that chance to guilt trip you and try to make you come back. At least, that's how it's been for me. If they can't respect your boundaries simply because they care about you then fuck em. You did the right thing.
Yeah thats always good. Its a neutral statement that really freaks people out. "I need this. I WILL respect myself so if im not getting that, or you're denying me that, i will choose for myself first."
34:20 His sudden shift into 'the voice' was so accurate that it caught me by surprise. I felt as if my whole extended family just Raibow Six Sieged through the walls and windows into my room (and head) and just started reciting every event through out my life.
I am crylaughing shit and tears under my desk. 10/10 coaching. Can recommend, changed my life.
Wrong timestamp I think
Do you maybe mean 35:25?
"Oh Betta, don't you understand: your mother worries so much!"
(Without context it's 35:33)
I am late on comment but: that voice always gets me. And in the way you describe! I am not even remotely (well maybe very very remotely, few hundred years remotely) indian! How that even works I don't get it?!
I need this so baaaad. I have a ton of triggers and things that trully hurt me because of autism, misophonia, and childhood trauma. Plus I have had a lot of bad experiences trying to set boundaries with narcissistic people... Having to set one sends me into intense anxiety spirals
Be carefull with narcissistic people, they tend to see your boundary as a personal attack on themselfs. They can be really toxic if your are sensitive to their emotional manipulation.
@@minfuji I know I've already been there... It left some serious trauma I'm trying to heal with a therapist
@@micheller3251 I'm proud you found the courage to get help. I know how hard it is to realize that you are not the one at fault. Wish you the best and hope you find the strenght again within you to overcome your traumas.
@@minfuji oh wow yh this is totally my mum
I love when he does the voices and examples. Informative, hilarious and painfully true.
IKR You gotta love Betta
"OH BETTA" had me freaking rolling lmao
This is really good but I've always wondered how you set boundaries with people you can't enforce consequences with. Roommates, children living under parents, etc etc. You can't separate from these people if things go badly. You are stuck with them and their undesired behavior. Ultimately I've always felt stuck in these situations.
Same
especially if you're only a teenager, I can't set a boundary with my Dad so I just punish him by bonding with him less
This feels really hard to do with your parents when you live with your parents. I thank Dr. K for the work he is doing to help all of this with this, as well as all of his other invaluable content
I remember when I was homeless after my stepdad died, my uncle offered to take care of my dog. When I asked the snide, abusive piece of crap that he married to stop harassing me over text, she called me a 'fucking joke' and dumped the dog back on us while we were stranded in a Motel 6 -- because SHE threw us out.
It was the most toxic shit. I started a job at Amazon, but they took a month to vet me. So she literally SHRIEKED at my family, 'GET OUT, GET OUT, GET OUT!!!!' and used the couch to barricade...the...sliding glass door...and then told her hubby, 'Nooo, I didn't mean it literally, I never raised my voice, they must have misunderstood.' The constant lies and backstabbing were insufferable.
When I told my uncle how she was behaving, he told me I needed to 'learn that my actions have consequences.' The consequences of _her_ abusive actions were never discussed. I had a manager use that line on me after firing me because I had a panic attack. It's so fascinating how these people think I'm the only one whose actions require 'consequences,' and that 'consequence' means 'whatever petty or borderline personal reaction another person may have.'
Now I'm taking care of my mom, because being homeless nearly killed us both, and I can't set boundaries with her either. Every time I try, it turns into a giant fight. People think they get to walk all over me and then blame me for the 'consequences of my actions.'
You need to find NOT shit people to surround yourself with.
Im so so sorry that you have to go through such a horrible experience. Since I've had my own experiences here's what I can tell you. I can tell that you feel responsible for taking care of everyone around you and your value comes from that. What I've learned is that your value doesn't come from doing but being. Think about it. When we come into this world we are innocent and helpess but we still have value. Just existing makes you valuable. And if you are valuable then you deserve to be loved and respected. If someone is inappropriate with you then you owe it to yourself to stand up for yourself. Fight for yourself. Become the adult that the child you needed. Be in your corner always even if no one else is. And always know that you're not alone in your fight. Hugs ❤
Boundaries are for yourself, not others.
Im now learning this. I started setting boundaries with people and they have changed and act all different towards me now.
Love the passage from 1:02:41 for kids who can't set boundaries yet.
"And I'm not inviting you to my wedding" ❤️
Bully: "Like anyone could ever want to marry YOU"
This feels like something that should be taught in a required class in high school. Definitely wasn't taught in my high school or college though, not even in an elective psychology class I took.
For me (and I think for a lot of people) the most helpful thing BY FAR is just to hear words that are examples of someone setting healthy boundaries.
I read a lot and have a fairly large vocabulary, but when it comes to setting boundaries it's like I literally had no vocabulary for it at all. I knew no words.
Just learning a couple of phrases, repeating them to myself, even practicing the delivery, did a lot for me.
I've been taking in and listening to Dr K's videos for almost a month. And I've seen mostly people from other countries here. I think the reason is that K's advice comes from a non-usa perspective.
I've been consuming lots of material and advice, mainly from English, usa sources. While i found the material very interesting it always seemed "too american" for me, in the sense that its not really how I was raised nor think.
But Dr K teaches you and comes from an Eastern perspetive, which is more akin and normal for other collectivist cultures. His advice is more akin to something my mother or a relative would say to me. I think thats why there's so many viewers from latin america, asia, europe and so on.
I dont know, I just think thats the reason his advice is so memorable and resonates with me.
Re: ADHD, aside from what Dr K said, I think that with people who have ADHD it may be worth it to emphasize that the boundaries aren't any kind of personal attack on them, because that may be what their emotional dysregulation is telling them, that your boundaries are code for "I hate you and I'm trying to put distance between us" instead of the opposite.
Are you inside my head? Because yeah. Also, when a new rule is implemented, it sometimes takes me 2-3 tries before I remember it. I often remember I was/was not supposed to do something in the middle of doing/not doing it :( I am not doing it on purpose, my brain just does not connect the info. And the more it matters to me, the more stressed I am and therefore more likely to forget :(
its gonna feel weird, its gonna feel like you're changing who you are, its gonna feel like you're an asshole. some celebs who are people pleasers struggle with this when fans ask for autographs, they would push or guilt trip if the celeb is eating or working out. some people can't take a no, can't handle it, makes you feel like shit, but remember, you can't control how they react. we're just doing what we need to, and that's taking care of ourselves first. others come later.
🎉🎉🎉
If you set boundaries and enforce in the same moment, it looks like you're being controlling and manipulative because you take away the chance for the other person to plan around the boundaries you want people to respect.
don't know how/why but it felt really raw, it felt like it was coming from his own experience. Thanks for sharing doc
Aww yeah I'm so pumped for the self boundaries video
I have a feeling it's going to be pretty similar to this one, set boundaries that are reasonable, and make sure to enforce them. Enforcing for yourself does seem harder.
i legit had this conversation with my psychiatrist couple days ago and ever since then i have been learning to voice myself and letting my friends and family know my boundaries which is something i have never even considered bringing up before, so this is very helpful!
I always love so hard in terms of friendships and closeness, and I feel like I’m taken for granted a lot. When I do feel like that, I try to discuss it with them and if they shut me out by saying things like “it’s your problem” I don’t take it anymore.
It sucks when i set boundaries and then people are like “what’s wrong?” And the answer is literally nothing is wrong; I’m just giving you less attention because I’m focusing my energy on other things.
Just an alternative outcome which I did as a kid, if my parents (who were honestly great parents) told me "no gaming after X time if you don't improve in school", all i really did was just play the times i was allowed and hated school even more and did worse on purpose to show them that these are not the ways you get me to improve.
Maybe I was stupid yeah but it worked most of the time. I didn't value gaming over doing what they tell me to do, always wanted to be as independant in my choices as possible.
This come in the right time to me, had breakdown with too much burden, thank you Doctor K
this came at the right time. I always had the thought of “If i set this boundary, they may never talk to me again” so end up just not following through with it.
I legit gave my mom a cat, when she asked "when are you going to get married and give me grandkidsss???"
"mom, you banned me from befriending girls, let alone get a gf. now you ask for a grandkid? here (I scooped my cat), how about this? (I gave her the cat, and stormed off the house)
she never asked again
This came at a great time, my mom assaulted me on my birthday a few days ago, (I'm staying at my aunt's house now) and I'm going to have to have this conversation with my parents when I decide to go back
It came at a great time for me also, and I couldn't be more grateful. My s/o and I moved in with my in-laws to save for a house and it's very difficult for them not parent and criticize us even though we're very stable adults. I hope everything works out well for you.
dont go back
Don’t go back
Def do not go back, if your own mom assaulted you, she will NOT listen to your boundaries
Don't even think about going back. Your mom will do it again and your dad(?) let it happen.
I enjoy grinding in a game when listening to your talks.. but they are so good I actually stop and put the controller to pay more attention several times.
Love how you break down concepts.
I literally just went to therapy for the first time in my life. Learned about setting boundaries. Then out of nowhere comes this video about setting boundaries. 😆 Super informative and helpful.
I keep sending people this video. Family, friends, strangers on the internet. A comprehensive guide on setting boundaries with dangers and drawbacks.
So good DK! Love the talk at the end (prior to adhd, which was still good, just not my specific ref)
I love this breakdown. I've just had to let go of someone who routinely for years has ignored my boundaries. You know what? He got bolder over the years. The consequences are hard, I'm heart broken.. but I have to hope that my strength comes from caring about myself enough to have people in my life who respect me.
Fantastic informative video. I just sent it to my group chat because I think there is a lot of utility in actively learning about how to have good relationship practices on a conscious level. Very black and white step by step guide. Love it. Keep killing it Dr. K!
What do they thought about the video?
@@JxSTICK they didn't watch it, you know the struggles hahaha
I needed this so badly right now, the family on my mothers side are all rich suckers that don't want anything to do with me unless I'm spending a lot of money. and i mean a lot! in the ten thousands euro's
That's weird because ignoring any and all fiscal responsibility is peak poor behaviour.
@@smorevids suppose its probably more about appearing rich
@@smorevids its not about fiscal responsibilities, its more about throwing a party and i should at least spent 10K or their standards are not met. i mean I'm a graphic and web designer and i make enough money to provide for myself and go on vacation a few times a year but all i get when i see that side of the family is that I'm not wearing special branded clothing that cost like 4k for a pair of shoes and why i cant rent a entire castle to throw a party like the rest does.
@@radiationgeneration4006 That's ridiculous. Tell them to f*** off and waste their own money. That's what I would to. But it took me decades to learn to stand up for myself.
The good thing about getting older is that you don't give a f*** anymore.😏
@@radiationgeneration4006 Damn dude that sucks. Just tell them they should be grateful you aren't in poverty 😂 You're doing just fine bro, trust me. I live in poverty and I would kill to have a vacation! Fuckin rich people 🙄 I swear they care about the stupidest shit in the world.
You absolutely can set boundaries with family. Blood relation does not change anything.
You can, but its more difficult. Mainly because with family their are no boundaries to what is going to come out of your mouth lol.
@@XenogearsPS true.
kids love healthy boundaries. I love them for sure. boundaries rock. I just want to do them better.
I’ve been going to therapy for over a year and yet this segment was the most profoundly helpful and practical educational experience regarding boundaries I’ve experienced. Cheers Dr!!!
*Not knocking therapy at all btw! It has helped me in certain areas for which I’m grateful, I’m just realizing that Dr. K’s teaching style works really well for me. :)
i love when your videos perfectly describe all these issues i have and all these things i’m currently working on. Appreciate 🤝
my feelings exactly!
Damn the comment about the wedding near the end. I want to basically do this (although I'm not getting married). I don't like my parents. I've realised, after much denial, growing up in their care was torment. "What if they never talk to you again?" - I'd be fine with that.
This is such great information. Miles ahead of the hundred or so videos about boundaries I’ve watched.
This is one of the most helpful videos I've ever listened to. Everyone should learn this, especially people who are/will be parents. I'm astounded by how eloquently this was structured and spoken. Thank you!
I base boundaries on my value system.
This is what drives all my decisions & makes it easy to know where I may need the strongest boundaries.
This one should be a highlight for your videos because it can really be applied to anyone you meet!
I for once am downloading it to have it on hand whenever I need a reminder!
1. For my family
2. For any future relationship I creat with coworkers
3. (Most importantly) for my children and how to discipline them, how to set boundaries and how to guide them on a much healthier path that I could have had!
These videos are way more valuable than therapy.
Actually getting info instead of talking to a wall that takes my money.
I mean eh, it all depends on you the therapist and the context. I like these vids a lot but with a therapist I’ve personally found it very helpful. Different things for different people and all that ig
Sounds like you need to look for a new therapist.
@@Ozzianman I’ve had a few and don’t have the disposable income to keep shopping around.
@@brentsta if you have the income to see one, you most likely have the income to see another in lieu of the one you’re currently seeing.
These videos get straight to the point and that itself saves so energy and time in therapy.
It’s been super helpful taking what I’ve learned here and continue discussing it with a therapist to better understand how it all applies to me specifically.
it’s like this guy was a play tester and a dev of the game and knows every nuance and every tip to help people play
Last year I had to take the final step of cutting my mom out of my life after so many times of telling her to not try to guilt trip me into not keeping boundaries set or trying to gaslight me about what happened as I was growing up. It's still hard to not message her to tell her about things in my life or ask about hers, but I know that letting her back into mine, my wife, and my children's lives would only be detrimental to our long term mental health.
Highly recommend Dr. K's guide. I'm about 70% through since December, and some of his points on eating, keeping the gastrointestinal organs clean, electronics avoidance, consistently getting up early- I can confirm that's all very true. If I let any of those variables get a little too much out of tolerance, then I usually end up having a bad day...if I keep it all in check, it's very likely I'll have a positive day.
Is there a playlist of this guide? Where can I find it?
Check the video description for the link. You need to pay access, but it's totally worth it.
Thank you for including that advice for ADHD at the end! While mostly all I can realistically do to deal with my entitled/narcissistic parents while my son and I live with them is bide my time until I finish my degree and get hired to move to Japan, when it comes to consistent discipline with my 6-year-old son, I struggle so hard because we BOTH have ADHD and ODD and we are both very volatile emotionally, but also best friends (not in a “cool parent” or codependent toxic way). While I’m drowning in coursework, and also fending off toxic jabs from my unempathetic parents, it’s almost been unthinkable to start figuring out structured, set boundaries and consequences for him beyond yelling and ineffective punishments in the moment, especially while everything I do is constantly being undermined anyway. Thankfully, next week I’m on spring break, so I think I’ll have a talk with the kiddo to work out a plan together and have it printed out somewhere for both of us since we share the working memory of a golden retriever puppy.
I have a friend who he and his wife have become hoarders. The last time I went to their house I had to fight gagging and throwing up because it smelled so bad while I was there. I told them after that that going forward, I would not be coming into their house. Its not fair for me to feel that uncomfortable the entire time. I have no right to tell them to clean their house, but I just wont be coming inside. We can grab food in town or hangout outside of the house, but I will not be coming over.
just recently stumbled upon your channel and now i am lucky enough to see a fresh video being uploaded. thanks so much for your effort, i've learned a lot about myself and others through your content
One of the best advice videos on TH-cam. Very well organised thoughts and very easy to comprehend due to the relatable examples. Hahaha bro your tone and voice when you do the indian parents are epic!!!
Galaxy brain. I've been doing this so wrong for so long, even though I had all the right tools.
I'm happy I spent an hour watching this.
This has been the most helpful videos I have watched in a long time. I wish I had known this 20 years ago... moving forward this will be an asset in my social toolbelt as I can already see its application in dealing wth other interpersonal skills. Thank you.
This is very high quality content delivered with regularly hilarious interludes … very well played sir … your deliver is top notch!
This is a good video. I recently had a bad breakup with a friend that i've known for years and it was extremely painful. Though watching this video it was sorta clear why so much friction was generated overtime. I was usually the one that seek to work things out and repair any issues we were having between us. However this person would just get angry, leave and avoid engaging with me at all until I came with an apology. I had to navigate boundaries myself and sometimes they would come appear and disappear on a whim. I had a desire for the relationship to grow and all this navigation was making me frustrated. Overtime I stopped wandering the invisible maze and started making a beeline to my destination, brute forcing my way through any walls I came across. It was discovered later that person was choosing who they wanted close to based on ever changing information and interactions. It was less of a maze and more of a trial. If you pass, you can move closer. If you fail, you get a random wall and you're chastised for trying to get around it. There was just no consistency, so I was set up to fail unless I preformed perfectly without any information to go on. I wanted a growing relationship and this person wanted an exclusive club for the people who interest them the most. I'm just happy knowing that everything wasn't my fault and I really tried my best. It really erodes your self confidence when you mess something up without ever knowing why or what you should have done. It's good to know it wasn't due to my ignorance but rather the other person constantly changing the goalpost based on how they feel that day.
Glad you were able to figure this out for yourself. Some of the biggest pieces of shit in one’s life can be right in front of you without you even knowing
Such incredible content! Thank you so much!!!!
Great video! I'll sure watch it again theres a lot of usefull information
I've had to set boundaries and cut off people in the past because I have felt like a doormat. I've felt that people in my friend groups would make rules that only applied to me and no one else. And for a long time I would just accept it because I thought there was something wrong with me. But when I finally have enough, call them out and set boundaries I get called sensitive and other things that make it seem that it's all in my head, so I cut them off. Could it be that the rules they set for me are boundaries? It's usually something like, "you can't come with us, or you can't bring this or you can't do this" even though they do the very thing themselves. I've also felt that there was a racial component to it. How do you handle this kind of thing.
What about your own boundaries? Seems like you have a strong sense of what's fair.
@@TurningTesting In the end it seems that when I set the boundaries, it's ever between me and them, others get involved and side with them. Again, they call me sensitive even if I tell them that they are pushing rules on me that only apply to me. It's like others are enabling those I set boundaries for because, and this is what they say, "You're making them feel bad" and my feelings never count. Again, I think there might be a racial component to this.
@@zzzzz619 whether there is or isn't, they do not take your feelings into consideration. What do _your boundaries_ say about that? 🌻
@@TurningTesting that's what I mean. I create boundaries, they all fight me and I have to cut them off.
That really sucks. I get this alot at a work. I liked my work and use to work hard because I had loyalty and pride where I worked at. This led to me often doing the work for other and got taken advantage of for that. I wouldnt mind helping someone if they were backed up but if they start asking me to help them when they arent doing shit was when I figured it out. I called out their bullshit to the managers higher ups and guess what, nothing happen . Why, because they themselves were lazy mofo who had other people do work for them which was us underlings. Sure but if I'm seen chilling they call me out and set me to do work that wasnt my area. All it did was paint a target on me. Different situations similar aspect. Boundaries and respect go hand in hand, they gave me neither.
Very much needed this video. I even took notes throughout it lmao
man i really appreciate the quick uploads 🥺
You are teaching my to Become a better version of myself thanks doc.
YOU ARE PREACHING TO ME ... 😭😭😭 I'm so grateful for what i learn from you
This is literally the best available guide to boundary settings
This arrived just when i needed it, thank you
Damn I fking love you Dr K, my journey on psychic development started with you and I am learning all the time . You are the hero this world needs
Bless you Dr. K. I needed all your videos more than you know. It’s been helping me so much since I found you.
One of the most helpful videos I have ever seen, also great timing for me I really needed that right now! Thank you Dr.K for your videos, they have helped me so much alongside my current cunseling sessions :)
I’m a newcomer to the channel and I absolutely love it. I’m making my way through the videos right now, and I have a suggestion. I don’t know if you’ve covered this topic before, but take a look at toxicity surrounding alcohol abuse in families. It’s a huge and underlooked/unseen problem that affects tens of millions of people, myself included. Lots to digest, unpack and explain but I think it would be good!
I was bullied by my so called bestfriends when i graduated hs. These guys were so relentless i had to leave the friend group when i met others who were nice. Sad to hear so many have dealt with that bs in life. My heart goes out to those who know 😮
I absolutely love when Dr. K voice acts his hypothetic Indian family arguments
Love this tutorial on how to parent your parent 👏🏼
As someone who lost a friend because they didn't know any of these and completely failed to set boundaries correctly, this couldn't be more accurate
If they'd done even one of these things, our relationship might've had a chance
People can't respect your boundaries if you don't tell them what they are. That's step one. Unless they're actively trying to be a jerk or something, any line crossing that happens before you draw lines isn't on them, it's on you. So don't hold grudges against them for that, they didn't have a choice, because choice requires knowledge of the options
Second step, tell em before or in-between needing to set boundaries. Neither of you are equipped to either set or internalize boundaries while feelings are running hot. It won't work. Trying to set a boundary while someone's trying to cross it feels like an insult to that person, so they won't be able to understand that this isn't a one time resistance, but a pre-meditated boundary. And they'll probably be concerned as to why you're setting said boundary now, and pry more
Acknowledging the other prospective is important too, though less catastrophic than the first two if missed
Generally the other person is crossing boundaries because either they aren't aware of the social norms (shout-out to neurodivergents) or they're concerned about you. Or both
The easiest way to enforce a boundary is for the other person to feel no need to cross it. So if they aren't aware that they're missing a social rule, asking them why they're doing whatever will bring that to the surface, and then you can teach them about it. Boom, everyone wins
And if they're doing it out of concern of some kind, they get an opportunity to explain their concern, which could benefit you if it's valid and they opened your eyes to something. But at the very least, it will help alleviate their concern if they are able to make you aware of it, and you give them a straight answer of "I see where you're coming from, but I am not concerned about it (insert reasons for why if you want to)
That's probably one of the few things my friend did right, I made the social faux pas of expressing to my friend my concern that they were maybe spending too much time with their boyfriend and letting their other relationships slip. And they let me know in no uncertain terms that, they were in fact balancing things well, they just weren't investing in our relationship because she didn't want to
Which, I daresay was unnecessarily harsh, and it hurt a lot because I wasn't asking her to invest in our relationship, I was just concerned because it was the middle of the pandemic, she was seeming stressed, was spending a lot of time with her boyfriend, and as far as I'm aware, teenagers overprioritizing romantic relationships and suffering for it is hardly rare. So I was not expecting her to basically scream "I don't actually care about you that much" at me
But, it did the trick, I learned that the half of their life that I was seeing and was making me think her romantic relationship was the problem was simply not the full picture, and thus my diagnosis was wrong
Since I'm telling this story, I might as well finish it by saying that while she was telling me I wasn't a social priority to her, she might as well have told me that the stress I was seeing was actually being caused by me, and my trying to be a friend for her when she didn't want me to be a friend, and thus crossing a bunch of boundaries
Rather than saving that little nugget of truth until later when she tried to set those boundaries when she was even more furious and angry at my transgressions
Anywho, I really can't blame either party for what happened. We were both teens, didn't know the information in this video, and I was neurodivergent and didn't know how friendship works, and certainly not how to pick up on whatever social cues she was dropping
But I beg everyone who has read this far to heed the lesson of my story, and learn how to set boundaries properly. For not only the other person's mental health, but also your own, because in my example, it was failing to set boundaries that caused stress to build up, which was picked up on by your's truly, and I caused more stress by trying to help
And from my experience, the things Dr K is saying here are pretty darn accurate, so start by implementing what he says
Just had a mushroom trip wherein this was a main takeaway. Thank you dr k
This is so great, thank you
This video was so unbelievably helpful and needed, thank you
Boundaries are FOR us, not AGAINST others. ✌️
Positive reinforcement is the greatest tool here.
Always nice to see new content from the streams posted here on youtube, sucks that I almost never have time to watch it because of studies -_-
I'm about 3 minutes in the video. Hearing someone talk about how to actually deal with setting a boundary feels like a weight lifted off of my shoulders. Whenever I personally set a boundary I always think about it too much, "have i been firm enough?" "have i been too firm?". People don't expect it from a light-hearted person like I am. Which makes it difficult for people to take me seriously.
Whatever lesson(s) I will learn from this video, the most important thing to me is that people talk about setting boundaries more openly, its a taboo where I come from especially.
Just wanted to share my thoughts :) thanks for the video!
Wow talk about timing, this is exactly what happened to my family last week. Boundary setting was something I never thought would really think would be a family thing
Beautiful setup my guy
My parents fucked me up in opposite ways regarding boundaries. My mom would set ridiculous consequences and pretty much never enforce them, whereas my dad created ridiculous boundaries like, don't get below a certain GPA in college or else you're dead to me. And enforced them.
Brilliant talk!
Thank you for this. I learned so much from this video. I wish I had sought out a resource like this 3-4 years ago, when I was struggling in a toxic relationship.
I do have a question, though. How do you know what's a reasonable boundary to set?
For example, whenever my ex and I spent "quality time" together, cuddling and/or talking about our feelings and whatever, it would drag out for four, five, sometimes six hours. This often involved deep, emotional discussions of her numerous emotional and mental health issues, and/or a desire for physical intimacy of one kind or another. I am in no way expert at either, and nothing I did ever seemed to be enough for her. It was absolutely exhausting for me. Trying to be enough for her became like my full time job.
She would say "why don't we cuddle for just 20 mins," and then an hour would go by, and she still hasn't indicated that it was enough, that she was happy, that she was satisfied. Just as you say, you can't set boundaries suddenly, arbitrarily, right in the middle of something, so I would think to myself, okay, I'll give it another 15-30 mins, see if maybe this time that might be enough for her. In any case, it's the path of least resistance - trying to step away at that point would only incur anger, disappointment, etc. So I'd tell myself, another 15-30 mins. But then an hour would go by, and another, and another, and I would only get more and more physically and emotionally drained. And she still never said it was enough - never said "thank you for spending time with me, I'm really happy/content/satisfied now." Never said "okay, that's enough, I have work to do" or "I know you have work to do," or "okay, why don't we go make dinner." Instead, I would just keep giving of myself, keep trying to wait it out, hoping that maybe eventually if I gave her enough of my time and attention, it might eventually be enough.
So, here's the question: I finally worked up the courage to try to discuss boundaries with her. But I felt weird about setting an arbitrary time limit. We can't cuddle or talk about emotional stuff for more than an hour. Or 45 mins. Or an hour and a half. I'm setting a timer, and once that timer goes off, I'm walking away. I have work to do, I need to eat, I need to sleep, I need to relax and have time to myself. The justification, I thought, was reasonable. But what's a reasonable time limit? Or, what's a reasonable way to do this?
How do you establish something like this without seeming antagonistic? Without seeming like a bad boyfriend?
How do you enforce your boundaries while also allowing for exceptions? There were many days when she was having a particularly bad time - panic attacks, whathaveyou. "This time is different." And sometimes, yeah, it is different. So how do you know how to draw those lines?
Similarly, she would text/message me all day, every day. I was constantly anxious about her thinking I was ignoring her if I didn't check my phone constantly. Or, perhaps more to the point, I was constantly afraid that there'd be some kind of emergency. That not checking my phone most of the time was fine, but how am I to know when she's really trying to reach me, really needs me? And, one important bit, this woman has an extremely skewed sense of what is and isn't an emergency, what is and isn't reasonable to ask. So, I couldn't rely on her to draw reasonable boundaries about what to contact me about and what not.
So, I was tempted to suggest a boundary to her, no texting me between 9 and 5. Or between 10 and 3. Or between those hours but only on certain days of the week. Or, I wish it had occurred to me at the time, something like, you can text me but you cannot expect a response back until after 3, or 5, or whatever.
But, I guess the key point: how do I know where to draw the line? If I said I need at least 4 hours to myself every day, well, I was tempted to say 10, and wasn't sure if instead of saying 4, whether I could get away with saying 5 or 6.... So, how do you know what's reasonable to ask?
Thank you.
This is how I see girls setting boundaries. They will reply to you a day late, and only after 5PM, say at 6PM every single day. You're texting back and forth and just when it gets good, after 20 minutes, the girl says she has to go now. Dinner or pick up a package or take a shower or something with roommate. OK, she just disappears. As for cuddling, you can state we cuddle only after dinner is cooked, we both finished eating, watching a movie after 8PM preparing to go to bed, then we can cuddle starting at 8PM and all night long, but in the morning you have to go to work again.
Dr K been on a roll lately with these hot take videos. So many uploads this week!
I needed this. Thank you.
I recently broke a friends boundary, managed to not outwardly be angry at all, and eventually we made up, but man oh man does it hurt to have no one listen to you during a breakdown. I understand that I needed to turn to therapy, and I did, but me breaking a boundary not on purpose is embarrassing 😵
I implemented some of this information yesterday.
Wow, what an improvement to my life.
Thank you Dr K
I set a boundary with an ex friend/girlfriend to not come by my work because our relationship ended badly and it made me uncomfortable to see her. I asked her to not come by my work because it made me uncomfortable to which she told me that I have no right to tell her where she can and cannot go and that I wasn’t working there anymore so it didn’t matter. I said I am not telling you, I’m asking you. Since that wasn’t respected I cut her off and we haven’t spoken since. It made me feel so powerless to have done the right thing which was setting the boundary and it was disregarded in a second. I suppose me cutting her off was the consequence but it still feels incredibly frustrating to have it play out like that. Like finally I’m able to voice what I will not stand for and this person has no understanding of what they’re entitled to. She has bpd so I think there’s a misunderstanding of boundaries in general on her part but even though I know that it remains frustrating to me. It makes me feel like if I have another situation where I have to set this kind of boundary I’m going to end up frustrated and powerless again even though I think I’ve done what I can with the knowledge and understanding so far. If anyone has some insight I would love to hear it. It’s a daily occurrence to I think back on a couple of these situations (thanks CPTSD) and it’s dysregulating to feel the exact awful emotions as i did then. I’ve come a long way but this is a big speed bump to my recovery because it makes me question my choices.
Man. I wish this video was in my feed yesterday.