I remember since I was very young, feeling like my mom didn't like me. Whatever I did, I was never good enough for her. I tried really hard for years until I just gave up, it just wasn't worth the energy to try and make her happy. She also had an obvious preference for my brother, he was a bully... Whatever he did, she was always on his side, blaming me for it. As an adult, I tried to talk to her about it, even my dad admitted they did things wrong, which is okay because they tried. But she just accused me of making things up and being ridiculous, answering me with sarcasm. Her usual answer if I ever ask for help is to "get over it." She's a great person to everyone else, caring and understanding, just not with me.
My mother comes from a culture where men are seen as gods and raised better than girls, women are not seen as humans with needs or emotions, they are just something to own & do as they please with them & to decide over them , their future etc, even whom to marry, they force you to marry the one they like. My mother favoured her son all her life, even now when he is cheating on his wife, she just babies him and accepts him & think it is his wife's fault for him cheating. I am unmarried, and in her culture it's the worst thing ever happening, it's the biggest disappointment, its even worse than cheating or killing someone, they look at you as if you are a witch. For this I have shamed her so much & she worries & i am blamed for all her problems, that she can't sleep because I am unmarried, and my siblings blames all her health problems on me. But it's OK when her disgusting pig son is whoring around with every woman he sees, and she still looks at him like a newborn pure baby. She even said how bad & disgraceful my other girl cousins were for having a boyfriend. But she never said it was bad when her son or the other male cousins have girlfriends, she think women are bad & are whores for having a boyfriend, fir having love & sexual needs to be fulfilled. A woman should only be quiet and accept everything is what she means, only to sacrifice herself & her happiness for others and for her family. A woman is not allowed to be happy or have any desires or wishes or dreams, she only dies what she is told.
Omg, I read your post after I wrote mine, and this is nearly identical to my experience. Everyone in our immediate circle thought my mother was wonderful since she was “authentically” kind, humorous, attentive and generous with them. Because of this, I came to believe that something was seriously wrong with me, although I couldn’t figure out what it was. I never was able to do anything right in her eyes, and if I came close, it was always met with something snarky like “Its about time.” or “You finally decided to use your brain for a change.” Never any words of support, praise or encouragement. It’s been 20 years of no contact, and I have zero regret.
My mother went to prison when I was a few months old. I was raised by grandparents for a good chunk of early years who were both alcoholics. I broke the cycle of addiction by getting clean in 2016,
I'm now almost 62 and never felt safe, wanted, or loved by my mother. I haven't seen my mom now since 1995. I never had my own children because I was taught that children weren't important and didn't have any rights or value. I struggle to be around people, but I'm good with animals.
So sad to hear it, I dont know you but I believe that every one deserves to be healed and have a chance to establish a family. The important part of you as a woman has been taken away from you. I am sending you lots of love!
Sending you big hugs, Im in some ways kind of in the same dynamic. Life can be absolutely brutal and you can feel disconnected from others even after you have done a lot of healing and self-reflection. Its down in the foundation the first 7 years of our brain and nervous system development. There is no quick fix, but slow patient work.
I am in too. We feel relaxed and in peace when alone, and stressed when in company. I think it's because our narc mother took so many space in our life, they love to be the center of attention. So there is no room to our self, we tend to forget our own self, because the delusional ego of our mother was put in the place of our forming self. Taking this trauma away feels like removing a tattoo but in the psych , i never let her hurt my heart, that is why she hate me, she never destroyed me as she wanted to. These beings are demons in human flesh.
@@naturalhealingmexico I agree but there is much more behind like patriarchy. Right now I'm watching The Beauty and the Beast which I never thought I would watch it (it's pouring outside 😕 which is good because we need the water), anyway, I'm watching the film already started and I see the Beauty returning to her home and I can see my sisters 🤣 this world is crazy and neither men nor women are healthy. My mother has been destroying me slowly with the help of my already deceased father (I wonder if he found out what a witch he married before dying, I doubt it) and my siblings, mostly female. I understand why I don't feel safe with men or women. I have lost all faith in humanity but some people on TH-cam channels call us "the chosen ones"... it's so pathetic...I can't understand why they called scapegoats the chosen ones when most of us won't ever reach maturity or our purpose. Most of us end up being isolated but by choice after being isolated since childhood. I can't understand God's plan but from my perspective, we have been waisted. All our potential thrown with the water of the baby's water. Sorry, right now I can't be positive. My best wishes 💜☘️... try to make your life worth living, I'm trying but it seems I can't. Love 💕
it backfires...I'm not giving up. Being in isolation as people age, become sick, like I learned with a disability that ended my nursing career I 2020 as I was abandoned by 'mother healthcare' and lit the match to going through ALL of this now, the decades leading up? .....while I understand it and attracted people who are cold, distant, etc, I remain committed to working on myself so I can meet and attract healthy people. Anti-social media has NOT helped and people need to get their heads our their Apps to do their part. @@sorkiemernie
You speak life into your own soul....every morning I go infront my mirror and repeat I love you to myself......I feel so safe because I'm leading with my own words. But get all your negativity out first. All the best.... you still have Purpose
I'm a complete lone wolf. I dont like to rely on anybody for anything but the funny thing is, as soon as somebody else needs help, I'm more than willing to help them. I battle with low self esteem and self worth.
Damn brother, i just read my life through your comment, how crazy, the other thing is i never knew this was a mother wound instead i thought it was due to my father since he caused all the BS but anyway, love you brother we will make the best path
Breaking the cycle. 50 this year and I wish I would've recognised earlier the mother wound passed on through our generations. After digging the past I see where my mom got it from as well. I used to blame her inability to create a close, affectionate relationship with me, but then in my late 30's I learned about the abuse she went through since very young. Now I feel compassion for her. We don't speak because of religious believes that she shares, so I am thiking to write her a letter. A letter of acknowledgement of her struggles... of forgiveness. Maybe this way she can also find healing.
I had the emotionally unavailable, highly critical, cold and shut down mom. She wasn’t this way with anyone in our lives, except me. Went no contact years ago and never looked back.
Definitely, have suffered from the mother wound! I also passed it to my daughter being a single mom when she was younger working and being in survival mode the only difference is I work hard now to be present for my daughter and granddaughter. I have a close relationship with them. A genuine, loving bond, thank God for correction.
I invite you to do yourself another favor and call it healing instead of correction❤and as someone who's just started to go through that path, reading your comment and knowing it's beautiful where you're at on your process gives me a lot of encouragement and put a mich needed smile on my face. I'm happy for you and your future generations of women who, I have faith, will someday help to heal this deeply wounded world ❤ thanks for sharing
I realized today that my mother will never change, so our relationship will never change. After crying for hours, I came to your channel. Thank you. Just thank you.
It's definitely sad and I've been there but trust me it's a lot better when you just accept it instead of having false hope and doing the whole magical thinking thing because they will never get it they won't generally apologize they won't do anything to correct their behaviors and in the end you'll just keep getting hurt. Just because someone doesn't know how to love you doesn't mean you're not worthy of love.
It can feel soul crushing, enraging, numbing.. Expect a full spectrum of emotions. It’s unsettling and destabilizing but know that it’s a completely normal response to an abnormal thing. There’s a wonderful freedom that comes with accepting our mothers for who they are and where they are. Acceptance brings the ability to stop coming to them hoping for a different response. We know the response well. It’s just human nature to want to be loved and accepted by our parents. It also takes time to reach acceptance because this is a grieving process. Grief of what you experienced and the reality of the relationship and grief of what you didn’t receive that you should have. I’m glad you allowed yourself to cry, not everyone has that ability. Keep feeling your feelings even when they are incredibly uncomfortable. Lean into the discomfort. You’ll be okay even when it doesn’t feel like it. 🩷
The relationship will change, if you show up differently in the relationship. Maybe it still will not be what you would want it to be, however the relationship will change.
It is sad to come to the realization that a mother is incapable of loving and protecting her daughter. However, it is better to have that settled than to go through the never-ending yo-yo effect of hoping against hope that a toxic mother may some day show some self-awareness and compassion for her child.
I never share. Or comment or post, But I think that is part of my mother wound. If I took up too much space use my voice had an opinion or had an emotion I was a problem. So I learned to go into a little turtle shell. Unfortunately I’ve struggled to reach out for support when I need it as an adult.
Just you posting this is amazing. Youre not only validating your emotions by writing them out, but believing yourself when you post and document it. I wish you luck on your journey. How you feel is real, and its ok to ask for help
@@raelatable8798I couldn’t have said that better! And @kristendreamy- be proud! Writing something out is absolutely courageous! I’ve learned myself that if I say it out loud (either in writing anywhere or vocalizing them) the thoughts/feelings/emotions don’t seem quite as intimidating! Lots of love to you both!!!
I'm the same I was never allowed to be sad or even look sad or unhappy. At 68 I still find it difficult to allow my feelings to just be. I think that's why my relationships have been disastrous. You've made the first step by commenting here, keep going. I say they may have ruined my childhood but I'm dammed if I'm going to let them ruin the rest of my life. Big hugs ❤❤❤
I'm 68 and was taken away from my mother at 5 years old. My step mother hated me and my foster mother never let me forget that I didn't belong. I was not allowed to have any feelings. I had to look 'happy'. I feel no connection to family and it set me up for bad relationships. Whatever happens I 'look happy' while inside I'm screaming 😢
I’m so incredibly sorry you have endured this. No one should ever be made to feel any of those horrible feelings, especially as a child whenever you needed the opposite. Sending you huge hugs and I hope you know how valuable you are, how much you matter and mean to us in this world, and I wish the next 50 years to be filled with lots of love and happiness - you deserve them friend! 💝
Good luck, let their innocent little face(s) always inspire you to be not the best version of yourself as a mother but as the HEALTHIEST version of yourself as a mom🌞👍🏻👍🏻❤️🩹.
@@elisabethhughes6005 this is what i always say and people look at me like i'm crazy but i TRULY believe the up and coming generations are going to be the catalyst for some really, really deep change in the way we all do things.
My mom had a miscarriage before me and always told me “you’re lucky you are here. If I had the other baby, you wouldn’t be here.” It was not in a tone that made me feel loved and cherished. I was told children should be seen and not heard. I was told not to cry. When bottled up emotions erupted as anger, she laughed and said I was overreacting. She always criticized that I was a perfectionist believing I was born that way. My mom may have told me she loves me (I don’t remember if she did) but I feel energy and I could tell it wasn’t genuine. I could go on and on……. I fought with everything within me NOT to become my mom. Thankfully my relationship with my kids is a beautiful gift. When I’m called out on bad behavior, I take responsibility for my actions, heal and transform.
When I was 9 my mother told me she had a miscarriage 6 months before she conceived me. I'm the one who immediately figured out that if that baby had lived I wouldn't exist. She agreed in a detached, academic-interest sort of way. I developed a serious case of imposter syndrome that day, believing I wasn't really supposed to be alive and I better keep my head down in case God noticed me or something. I still struggle with it. At the same time she told me how she thought she miscarried me because she passed a "clot" at about 20 weeks, but the next day the doctor heard my heartbeat so "all was well." She always said she swore the clot looked like a baby, though. Just a few years ago I found out that clot WAS a baby, my twin sister... so no wonder I developed the feeling I wasn't supposed to be here on Earth. My mother was not a warm, nurturing person and I've wondered if she was a bit on the autism spectrum. She always treated us more like a teacher than a mother, which is what she was before she had us. Complicated dynamics for sure!
I’m so sorry! Sending you lots of love! I was the oldest and my mom told me it was my fault she had a miscarriage when I was a teenager. 😢 I tell my baby I’m so lucky to have him!
My mother would constantly remind me of her miscarriage she had before she became pregnant with me and usually she would melt down around that time each year. Made me feel as if she really did not want me 😞
@@cherylmockotr there is research about lost twins brothers or sisters and the fact that the surviving twin feels lonely or has a sense of never belonging anywhere, guilt and imposter syndrome. You can talk it out with a therapist, but basically talk to your twin and acknowledge them. You can tell them about not knowing their existence till then and loving them. Also tell yourself that you are innocent AND that you didn't know about them.
I experienced no comfort from my mother. I can’t even recall her ever giving me advice. I do remember crying to her and telling her my fears and hurts as a kid and her simply not responding to me, no comfort, no hugs, no words at all to encourage me or indicate she cared. She has Alzheimer’s now, close to end stage. She can’t remember me anymore but I was like a ghost anyway, so….
Many are in the same situation my mum was hyper critical very toxic. Now she has dementia and I look forward to when she forgets me. Its better than being her punching bag. 😢
I do this to my mom today as an adult. I try to get all of these things, still from her. Perhaps i should take a break or cut her off? I don't know anymore...I have no support, but i try to get her support and everything else you mentioned. I hope you find healing and peace.
Total lone wolf here , never felt safe, seen, heard or understood growing up, its a damn curse because its ingrained and enforced over decades. Slow process to unlearn and build trust in people.
Focus in your self love acceptance etc, i am in the same boat, but imaging open yourself to trust in people while living in a town infested with narcs. That be more traumatic. So i still keep doors closed, after terrible experience with narc people in my community.
Same here, but I’ve been hurt and sabotaged by so many people during my life that I don’t think I’ll ever trust anyone again. It’s just not safe out there for me, or at least that’s my experience.
@kgs2280 yeah thats the exact loop of hurt and pain that you try to break and heal, but with fast paced modern life, social media etc it can be really difficult to build up new connections that show you can trust people. Its like capitalism and individualism doesn't promote community, love and connection more to the contrary of egoism and discussion. Real sad and makes it harder to heal, trauma happened in a social setting and part of healing is also in a social setting.
Distance is the right word, there never is real intimacy, they say they love you but there is always that Distance that tells you the love is not real, it is not unconditional....I am lucky to have married a man who is secure and loving, there is no distance emotionally I know he loves me, he does not need to say the words...I feel badly for my mom who will never know what true love feels like but so proud of myself for breaking the cycle...😊
I'm 58 - no kids, no husband, no boyfriends ever, emotional/romantic/intimacy anorexic. I disassociated from my body & needs bc hers always come first. She always tried to hide/isolate me from the world (even resented time spent w/my brother.) A lifetime of invalidation, trying to break my self-esteem, infantalize me, shame me< I am a fearful avoidant attachment style/cptsd/codependent, enmeshed w/her. Bc of emotional hunger, I fed my face instead of my body w/real intimacy & partnership and lived in magical thinking and with limerence. THANK YOU AGAIN DR. LEPERA!!
Thank you for teaching me what limerence is, I'll put that in a poem. 42m divorced, emotionally immature, and I struggle with eating my feelings (it's tradition). I fill my belly 'til it presses on my sternum so my solar plexus feels like it's getting hugged. Perhaps a desperate attempt by the subconscious for touch.
Maybe the last two? She was working, sleeping, or reading romance novels. Our job was to leave her the hell alone. She hated me, especially. I was “weird.” Then she chose my abuser over me and that necessitated an end to whatever relationship we had.
I received the punishment for "all men" from toddler age onward. Physical abuse, emotional abuse, neglect, silent treatment, whatever my mom needed to self soothe. There was always an implied condition of verbal abuse with every meal, clothing item, and gesture. Self-reliance wasn't just safety, it became existential salvation.
Circumcision is often another "punishment" that boys receive that society refused to talk about. A big problem in the USA, supposed land of "FREEDOM AND LIBERTY"...this cannot be if boys don't own their own genitals.
More and more I'm grateful to have had the mother I did. She wasn't perfect by any means (I certainly do have a "mother wound") but she genuinely tried. She went to therapy for YEARS to deal with her own mother (and father) wounds. She started the cycle breaking (and what an awful cycle it was) and I believe she deserves all the credit for that. I hope when I have my own children I can continue the cycle-breaking.
Any time I expressed myself my Mother countered my expression with, "NO YOU DON'T! YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU LIKE OR WHAT YOU DON'T LIKE!!!" Her inference was SHE WOULD DETERMINE WHAT I DID AND DIDN'T LIKE! When I graduated from high school I allowed "ZERO" self expression and recognized that fact. I started giving myself permission to truely discover who I really am. I was blessed with two wonderful friend's who helped me through that procces. Today I am the me that God created me to be. I was able to forgive my misguided Mother. Today I am happy being the ME that God created me to be.
I'm not sure about my great-grandmother, but my mother had this from my grandmother, and I had this from my mom. I have one daughter, and was on this track with her until she was about 5. Then God saved me and changed my heart. I'm not perfect, but I'm ending the cycle. I cherish my relationship with my little girl and I pray she doesn't feel like this as she grows up.
I would add "parenting your mother" as my malignant narc mother did. So the roles get inverted. Please Dr LePera make a book about how to heal the mother wounds , your books are very assertive and effective.
Agreed. There are a bunch of other things I was surprised to not see on the board, tbh, like psychological abuse (like gaslighting), emotional abuse (as opposed to neglect), physical neglect, and physical or sexual abuse. Not sure of why they weren’t mentioned, because they seem more straightforward than many of the things that were.
@@naturalhealingmexico or really overwhelming for some who may just be identifying this in their mother call I've had so much self-help in therapy in bulshit I'm the only one in my family know that my brother and my mother I'm the crazy one
My mother has given me the cold shoulder for YEARS but she denies it! Even though she has sent texts saying ''don't bother to reply'' and drafted in her sisters and a few cousins to also give me the cold shoulder, she still somehow manages to believe that it is merely my perception that she gave me the cold shoulder. So bizarre. She feels genuine anger that I DARED to try to communicate something that mattered. She doesn't recognise passive aggression as anger though. She only recognises a really straight forward plea to be heard as anger (well this is my take. It has been so awful and upsetting and it's been going on for four years now, well four years since I first stood really firmly in my own interpretation of events that YES SHE HAD HURT ME AND THAT I NOT HER AM THE JUDGE OF WHETHER OR NOT I'M HURT.
Your dealing with a covert narcissist. Who has twisted your reality into you having to prove you are not giving the cold shoulder. When really as the “parent” she should be taking steps to bring you together. Really, you already know all of this. The only thing left is to have a relationship or to not have a relationship with her, decide.
Very glad for you, sometimes these narc mothers feel entitled because we don't sent boundaries and never complain about what they say. We need to keep our ground in order to not be intimidated by them. At the end it's their crazy ego what is all about, the more we back the more they feel powerful, so don't be afraid of confronting , rebel !!! They never act as mother's, but as wolf's.
Stay strong dear. You are dealing with a narcissistic mother and you are the scapegoat of the family. This is a toxic, unsafe environment and is NOT your fault! She is an injured perpetual child, empty and toxic. Go no contact and seek a happy, fulfilling life with people that offer mutual respect, caring, kindness, support and love. Keep knowing your self worth and do this for yourself so that you can be all you are meant to be and have enough left to offer good things in return. Big hug to you ❤
Speaking your truth and owning it and calling her out for her lies and bull sh... will drive her nuts lol. just do it over and over and watch her flip out then laugh to yourself, because ur in control not her. Flipping the script on someone like that is so much fun to do
@@RedHeadie_88 but it is not convenient, specially if the mother it's narc, they search for revenge eventually, on the contrary I suggest just to make them believe we are still in their lies, ba vs never accept fault or a different opinion, besides that, discussing with names can it's pointless and exhausting. Better to avoid them.
All of the above applied to my situation. The one that endangered me the most was crippling pacifism in the face of abusive people, because negative emotions are "sinful".
I'd also like a video about the father wound because my weak father always backed up my mother so the message I got, I think, was that no man would ever stand up for me, and that that was too much to ask. I just had to accept fitting in around other people. My father is STILL the same now as he always was.
Yes please. The only thing worse than having a mother wound is having a mother and father wound. My mother died in 2011, father is still on the planet but he regrets my existence.
I love my mother. I think she was definitly in Survivor mode. When i told her i was depressed in high school, she said that I'm just spoild and that she has more problems than I do. Even now, I'm 30 and she gets annoyed if I cry. She says 'that's not gonna help you'. But I tell her 'It acctualy helps me'. But when I talk to her about her childhood, she grow up with six siblings and they would make fun of her cause she was the youngest so she would cry a lot and they gave her a nickname 'crybaby' so maybe she feels like the only way to feel protected is to not show emotions to much
I didn’t realize until much later how abusive my father was to my mom, psychologically and emotionally. She suffered a lot and inevitably it trickled down. I’m so grateful for the new awareness both in myself and in the larger world.
same 💔 i think i was alienated from her very early on, and knowing how hard her life was even before she got married, it makes me really sad for her. She deserved so much better, and i wish we could have had a better relationship than we did (I think most of the family strife, even just among the siblings, comes from my father being abusive towards her for their entire marriage. i used to be close to him as a kid, but by now his memory is almost completely tarnished. She did nothing to him, ever, to deserve the way he treated her).
My mother had borderline personality disorder. I can tick almost all those boxes, unfortunately. Having a daughter myself now, I'm so aware of all these things. I've been going to therapy for over ten years and luckily I've become aware of these things. So I hope my own daughter has the best future possible.
That's rough, I've heard many horror stories of chaos involving untreated Borderline parents.Hats off to you for going to therapy for years & focusing on being the healthiest mother you can be🌞👍🏻👍🏻.
Hi. I feel you. My mom also had BPD. She had a complicated life. My mom was one of 7 and the only child that was given out for adoption. I never understood why she was unhappy with that arrangement. She went from getting abused by her violent and crazy mother and absent father. To be the only daughter of a rich older couple who gave my mom an amazing life. Coming home was like a bad forest Gump box of chocolates. You never knew what Mom I came home too. She treated me with so much disdain but lucky for me I had people around me like my nanny who protected me, my adoptive grandmother and my dad. Today I take pride in breaking the cycle of abuse. I just do the opposite my mother would have done. I follow heart and therapy. My kids are normal and live the life I wished I had as a kid. My greatest accomplishment.
My mom had bipolar manic depression. My dad was so toxic to her that one day after a week on her medicine she was having side effects of being mean to everyone verbally and my dad threw a pack of cigarettes at her and tried to get rid of her meds. She hasn't been on those meds since because of the side effects. She would also get twitching in her neck as well.
I took a pause from my mom and my power came back. I did full time healing for 15 years, deep shadow work and experienced illness and despite a lot of awareness, I allowed myself to be blind to her toxicity. My mom isn't mean. But she hid her alcoholism and refused to take responsibility for herself. I felt emotionally responsible for her and I felt like I carried her. So I literally felt extremely heavy in all ways possible. Once I got away.. The weight LIFTED.
I have this badly. My mother will not communicate. She won't listen. She sees no need for communication because there is ONE perspective; hers! So therefore, any other perspective is ''entitled'', ''aggressive''. I'm just trying to piece myself back together again but luckily, when my daughter was about 11, I kind had another epiphany, I realised I was stressed that I couldn't control her. So I had this moment where I got it. What had been done to me and how I needed to be different. YES< again, no negative emotions were allowed. Toxic positivity, instantly, even if you lost your job, you're not allowed to be sad for five minutes. You're instantly commanded to look on the bright side and count your blessings. You might just want to wallow for ten minutes before you pick yourself up and brush yourself down.
Lone wolf here! 😅 Check 1 through 6 for how my mom was. Good news though, I have consciously broken the cycle for how I am raising my child! ❤ Thank you so much for your videos. Feeling less alone. Love and peace to all. ❤❤❤
My mom was emotionally explosive and a functional alcoholic. One day nice and helpful the next day drunk, raging anger, or partying with others in bars or she tried to break down my room door or took away my things. This damaged my nervous system. i'm soo glad that I can spend a lot of time alone doing good things for me (i'm an INFJ). But i also crave soulmate type of love - I never had a boyfriend and i'm very good at visualizing love and intimacy scenarios about my future-partner. Feeling save and cozy in my surroundings is very important to me.
Mom was obese, constantly yo-yo dieted. I joined her, and she allowed it. I got a lot of "Of course he loves you, he's your father!" "Of course (they) love you, they're your (family member.)" Told how much she loved me, but I never felt loved.Told to be "ladylike" all the time. Constant criticism of my behavior and demeanor. Allowed to be sad, or happy - but nothing else ever. Complained about my father, to me, but tolerated no complaint about him from me. Her esthetics were moral dictum, I was not even allowed to like dark colors since "children wear pastels." Never felt safe telling her anything about myself, she - knew me better than I knew myself, though. Told how to wear my hair, what shoes were appropriate - this until I left home, and after. And I was naturally modest, nothing skimpy about what I preferred to wear. This was always about the color or the level of formality. She wanted a little girl, but never managed to explain puberty/menstruation to me. Wow. Um, I didn't realize how much all of this still sits on my soul. She died 4 years ago, I'd gone NC a decade earlier. I never had children, partly knowing how damaged I was and not wanting to pass it on.
Sorry to read that, we all are in this trip, sadly. I have 2 malignant narc parents, i was criticize by both of them, i always felt like a punching bag as a kid, ether one or the other get on me, also my siblings, i am the scapegoat, and until you realize this, you keep playing the role they assigned. Narcs are demons in human flesh no doubt
You just described my childhood. Im past the age and never had children either. I wanted them but didn't feel like I deserved or could handle them. I taught myself. I relied on myself and adopted the mantra that if you wanted it done you had to do it yourself. I believe something fundamental and maybe even spiritual happened to women and consequently to families in WW II that will continue to haunt generations to come. I can't have children now so it's too late for me to be able to pass down healthy skills. It is extremely sad what is happening to families.
Circumcision is CHILDHOOD SEXUAL ABUSE. Circumcision damages the maternal infant bond. So tired of these enlightened therapists that talk about equality avoid talking about MALE GENITAL MUTILATION SEXUAL ABUSE. Sexual violence performed upon boys will OBVIOUSLY CREATE PROBLEMS IN SOCIETY. Circumcision: The Hidden Trauma by Dr. Ronald Goldman covers this and anyone that is SOMATICALLY TRAINED MUST ADMIT THIS OR BECOME A COWARDLY MISANDRIST LIAR. Where's the inclusivity and "equality", folks? All non-life saving procedures should be banned on all minors. American men are treated like farm animals - but, I rarely ever see people talk about it. "My body, my choice..." - shouldn't that be for boys and men, too? EQUALITY? ANYONE? Disappointed.
My Mommy had 6 kids. I was #5. She always told me she didn’t have to worry about me because I was stronger than my older siblings. I took care of her in her later years with leukemia and dementia. Both diseases are cruel but dementia was worse. Seeing her berate me and accuse me of horrible things while she was hallucinating was heartbreaking. I praise God that she now has a new body and mind. I love you Mamita. Rest In His Glory! 💫
My grandmother was extremely under-resourced, raising 6 kids on her own, in rural poverty from the time my own mom was an early adolescent. Grandma fully dissociated during that time. So my mom hit me and my brother with all of these, all the while giving heaps of emotional support to her friend's kids after their dad split and getting angry/dismissive when we expressed any emotional need. I feel like she resented us for being brought up in a better situation than she was.
I know my mom struggled with her body (now in my adult life she’s been diagnosed with an eating disorder), but the thing that stands out the most is vague memories of being upset and being alone in my room, with no parental comfort (when they were often the source of the conflict and upset)… so through therapy have come to realize how self-reliant I have been and working on asking for help, trusting others more, etc… thank you Dr Nicole 🙏🏼
This very reason is why It's very hard to have a loving relationship with my mother. I'm 47 and have been in therapy for 20 years to work through this and other issues. My mother just refuses to own her mental health. She states that conselours just don't work for her after going only two or three times. She has tried several times. She says this is just the way she is and is too old now to change. Mom is 73. I still love her and want the best for her. I just can't get as close to her as I really want to because she keeps me at arms length. Thank you for everything you do. 💚🙏
I feel joyful for them and with them....then later, I cry from the pit of my soul. I have to ask Jesus to remind my heart to not envy...it helps, it works. I get it though
I’m 38 and I have such a deep mother wound. My mom had almost all of those. She was in physical pain constantly, under resourced, constantly working, her mother was the same way only much worse that left her extremely cold. She still ignores me when she’s mad, critized herself and my weight, and never gave any emotional attention to me. Ugh I can go on and on. She gave me everything I needed which makes me feel guilty for being upset with her. I should be over it. My father was the polar opposite, he made up for that missing part the best he could. My saving grace was therapy and I’ve worked through the issues that resulted from it. I knowing she loves me but I get to change the curse by loving my daughter with all my heart and making her feel my love.
I see myself passing down my own mother wound to my kids and it frightens me. I’m the lone wolf-type and also have dealt with a lot of existential issues over the last few years (coupled with a husband who was fully absent emotionally) and it’s impacted my ability to care for my kids. Try to course correct by helping them reflect their feelings and experiences in conversation because I never learned that. So I’m trying to learn AND teach this. It’s exhausting.
Hang in there! It’s amazing that you are trying to break the cycle with your own children. So many parents excuse themselves with being too busy to worry about things like that
My mother threw me away like I was garbage into group homes and foster homes when I was 8. Staying with her briefly when I was 16 she took me to my first bar and later my first time at the strippers. Assaulted me sexually and was innapropriate in so many ways. She hasnt called or visited in 35yrs. I still get sad at times but I quickly realize im better without her. I didnt have children of my own out of fear of passing on my trauma. By not having kids I can 100% ensure the trauma ends with me. 🙏
From feeling validated by all but one of those check boxes, I'm now feeling the need to send you a hello through this whole mess. I've always felt grateful that at least my mother didn't give me away. I'm so sorry for how you were treated and the cost of that extreme neglect, I hope you found some peace x
Sorry to read that, focus in your spiritual side, it has helped me a lot in my recovery from my mother who loves dramas and scenes, extremely histrionic, etc, give it a try, the wounds these narc mothers did cause demage in our soul and psyche.
@@kymandrew1850 Thank you for your kindness in reaching out. Im getting close to peace in my life after spending my entire adulthood managing this trauma. Hoping you have managed and found peace yourself.
@@naturalhealingmexico Thank you. I think that would be good for me. I know nothing about my spiritual side. I will be starting to go to yoga classes soon. Perhaps this can provide the peace I will need in my brain to explore that side of me.
@@kymandrew1850 Thank you for the kindness and reaching out. Im getting closer to peace everyday. As anyone here knows its really hard to find the peace when your existence is dominated by trauma. Im hoping you have managed and found peace.
I got this on all counts. However with some healing I felt comfortable having kiddos and have had an amazing relationship. In fact they showed me what I felt I was always “missing” and I had to re-grieve how bad it was for me as a kid.
I / my mum tick all those boxes and I'm looking forward to the rest of this series! Emotional neglect and a mother wound mean you're robbed of skills to thrive in life. You may appear very high functioning, like I did, and slip under the radar until the consequences of the impact it has on your adulthood start to pile up - and they will, and in my case it nearly killed me more than once. Society should stop kidding itself that it's excusable to parent in this way. It's not. Our parents had their own trauma, sure. But they chose to not reflect on it, heal it, nor consider how their behaviour and belief system impacts a child. Many continue to choose not to enquire nor take accountability. I'm glad videos like this are getting a generation to wake up, even if we've lost half our adulthood first. Unfortunately, you're talking about damage that's imprinted on us in development. Therapists able to genuinely shift this are as rare as unicorn farts. Even then, it's a lifetime's work unravelling these patterns in ourselves.
I agree with all you say. I'm nearly 60 and have had years of therapy. It helped but I'm now doing Internal Family Systems therapy and it is transformational!! The new experiential therapies that work with the body (IFS, coherence therapy, somatic experiencing) seem to help re-wire the brain and calm the nervous system - do look into these if you haven't already (also Family Constellations work) ❤
I wanted desparately to enjoy being around my mother. I tried so hard. Never worked out, although she occasionally gave me a temporary delusion of delight only to then crush me worse. I loved her deeply, made excuses for her weird behaviors toward me, and tried to hide these toxic experiences from others. My Dad (and my Faith in God) was my rock, but Dad's work gave him little time with me. I was stuck with her and her bewildering madness. When she passed, it's like a Pandora's box opened flooding me with hard sickening forgotten memories of her abuse.
I'm currently reading her book "How to be the love you seek" I have read about 1/4th of it and It's already been like a weight has been lifted over my soul. Tried answers looking for "god", meditated, used supplements, searched from esoteric knowledge, cold showers, holotrophic breathing, did peyote, you name it, I've done it. Even read books like "12 rules for life" and Robert Greens books also! Even did the whole carnivore diet thing.... This book has given me the understanding of what really happened in my childhood. So straight to the point. Yet such powerful information. Thank you for writing this. Thank you. Is there a translation in Spanish? If there isn't I'm willing to translate it myself. I'm starting to tear up by the way. So powerful! Thank you for your existence un this world. Thank you ❤
I resonate with most of your content tbh. I had already worked on understanding this stuff but your videos confirm what I worked on. I just don't know what to do to stop feeling annoyed and invalidated by her and and all this that's all. I love your videos and what you do. Everything you put out is on point and resonates with me massively.
Cut off all ties is my way to help me heal. I’ve finally accepted reality and now I will heal and live an amazing life creating my own family. She will not rob me of the future my creature has promised.
All of these apply to my mother and father, and there are even additional signs of abuse. And then all people around me (including psychologists because I live in a bad country) tell me that I have no trauma, that I'm lazy and ungrateful and that my parents are good parents. Whatever, I've learned to heal and survive completely alone. And now I'll try to open the eyes of as many of the ignorant people as I can.
Sounds to me like Asian parents, lacking emotional support, kindness or compassion while valuing only external markers of achievement. Unquestioning respect and subservience to parents and elders. Caring more about image than children’s actual emotional needs. Lots of cruelty and narcissism in Asian parents that goes unnoticed.
Yes just yes. Mom is a young boomer who was raised by greatest generation and silent generationers. She also went through food insecurity and rual poverty.She was a kid when they got running water and a flush toliet in the 60s.. She's a stuffer by nature and hides from bad emotions unless it's anger. Her severe depressive episode led to me having to help dad with my sibling.This line ends with us and unless my adopted cousin has kids one side of mom's family will end as well.
@@Jennifer-gr7hn Most of my family is 55+ so I'm used to the older generations and their thought patterns.She didn't want her kids to go through what she did so she did the opposite. The longterm study under the name gentle parenting is about as old as my 34 years.They are finally adding gentle parenting type things to college child development classes.
Wow, I knew this was spot on for me, especially the part about “Highly Critical” and after because I completely checked out and my mind wandered to other things, so I had to listen to it again. I’ve also saved this video to listen to a lot more times, until I can let it totally sink into my mind where I can work on it.
I think so many of us are healing the mother wound. So much love and abundant healing blessings to all you beautiful Souls. I’m so proud of all of us. 🙏🏽❤️🩹🙏🏽
Thank you for sharing you video, I feel like all those boxes were checked. I thought I was so alone and now I don’t feel alone. Thanks again for sharing
My parents and how they reacted around each other is the primary reason why i wont give them a grandchild or bear children myself. Im 30 years old and am learning disabled. I am not with anyone and it doesnt bother me at all. I have severe anxiety and still live with family because doctors have told my parents that i would never live on my own. I need a financial advisor thats not my family because i cant even save money to pay bills or I'm just barely scraping by. In my town its either factory or retail to get decent pay and with my anxiety i cant deal with either. My mother blames everything on my weight why im anxious etc. Doctors did too. 😅
I definitely resonate with some of these characteristics and have been a lone wolf most of my life. I cannot wait to hear how to heal this wound. Thank you!
My life hits every single mark. 😢. I am almost in tears with some of your videos. They hit soo close to home and help me understand sooo much. Thank you!
My entire childhood I could not stand her. I don't have one single good memory of my mom. I only have a few bad memories, but just never felt loved. Now at 49, she is my best friend, my biggest cheerleader in life, someone I admire. I still to this day cannot point out why I felt so distant and so much dislike for my mom as a child, but I am very glad things are different now
@@dn-cp6sh We both did. I had my first kid at 14 then had a bad drug habit till I was 44. My life was a disaster and I almost lost it many times. She prayed for me non stop and God ended up changing both of us. Now 5 years sober and we are blessed to be able to talk about all of it with no hard feelings, just love for each other and a desire to heal. She was going through so much more than I realized when I was little and I'm so glad I can see that now and not hold anything against her.
My mother resented me from the moment she knew that i was a 'parasite' in her body. I had to become her companion in misery, while she whined about my father (she subcontracted the blame to me, her 'husband' became 'your father'). So found women in my life to take her position. Now aged 64 I've really embraced my vulnerability, rage and hurt, and above all oceans of grief. It's very embodied, as I literally have to push (punch, kick etc) both parents away from a very lonely little me. I'm lucky to have been able to do this, but what a crap way to bring up a child. Somatic work has helped in a huge way.
I have mother wounds, I have a great family but never was able to have a decent relationship with my mother. It was really hard for my sisters and I to feel like we could talk to her. We all have kids now and we are making sure our kids always feel like they can come to us for anything, especially in times of trouble. Thank God for allowing us to correct things with our kids 🙏🏽
My mother was amazing, the best mother a person can have , she passeed away almost 13 years or more ago ans i still miss her, my mother wound is that i lost her and till now it breaks my heart and i cry. Love you Ammi ❤ forever 💞♾️
My mother left home when I was 10. I'm an only child and grew up with my shift working policeman dad, who I adore. I've never had children. Lots of the above resonates. Having jumped from one relationship to the next I've now been single for three years and am learning a lot about myself.
Thank you for this video. My mother literally ticks off every single one of these boxes, which explains a lot about me. I would love to know how I can heal from this.
I've experienced some of these things. Questioning how many I've passed to my daughter. I know of 2, for sure. Completely unintentional. My daughter is persuing psychology in college ❤ My mom is a wonderful person and would be sad to know these were passed on. I haven't ever heard the words to describe these things. Thank you ❤
I have several of those checked off. However, even though I went through some trauma, I resist blaming my mother because she lost her mother very young and was doing the best she could. She loved me to the moon and back, but I am such a people pleaser and always have been. I don't like to ask for help and do things on my own, but will help everyone else.
My father made it a point to tell me on my birthday every year that my mother didn’t want me. Finally he died in 2020 so I don’t have to hear that story again! But I did hear it for 60 years - ugh Now concerned that I screwed up my daughter
Just reading these comments and felt the urge to tell you how important you are. How precious you are to this world. I'm sorry you were never told that. I hope the seeds of kind words can take seed & grow. Im sure its never to late to repair with our children. There is always hope. Go gentle xx
I'm glad I saw this. I have had these inner struggles concerning my mother all my years- especially since I was a teenager. I have been looking for a way to heal the hurt. My mom was divorced when I was 10. I could check all the boxes on those signs listed. She haf her own mental issues as well that we grew up with in dealing with her. There were some positive times and things she did, but there was criticism for minor things. And because she was in survival mode I felt I couldn't go to her. That I had to deal with things myself.
OMG Dr. Nicole, I think we had the same Mother! Video totally resonated, and I also ticked off all of these boxes. One time I remember coming home and she was cutting up all the photos of herself in the photo album (she didn't like the way she looked)
These are all me due to my relationship with my mother. I’m currently dealing with cycle breaking. I would like this video so much more if it worked in how to heal these things.
Soooo relatable! My mother is so in denial about all this. Cant have a conversation with her. She just either says she cant remember or treats me like I'm a liar. Several of us kids have tried to talk to her about it too. She just wants to hide behind the cloth and joined a monastery instead. She apologizes for NOTHING and says she doesnt have to since she's 'right' with God; so she says its MY problem. 🙄
Mine was 1, 2, 3, & 4. She wasn’t under-resourced financially, but she (and my dad) behaved as though we were on the breadline in some ways (like being able to have a bath or put the heating on), while they splurged on stupid pointless shit like a Weightwatchers subscription or a Soda Stream or novelty Christmas tack. And I wish she’d been “shut down”, i.e. given me the silent treatment rather than flying into a rage at the drop of a hat. This is a really good list, thank you.
Thank you, this is highlighting for me the life experience I'm in right now and I fully resonate with what you said. The high level of indecisiveness and fear to take action has brought me to a point where I now have to reset certain parts of my self life and consciously choose my path. I am so thankful for the growth i have received but i cannot help but believe if my childhood was different how further along i would now be at the age of 36years but also thankful for the years by God's Grace that i still have when i know of others in their 50s and 70s now on the path. Eagerly awaiting your thought research on how to help the healing process. Thank you for living your journey to help us live ours 🙏🏾❤️💛💚
I appreciate how you explain issues. My adult children have distanced themselves because they blame me for all their problems. You’ve brought to light the issues I had with my mother and this one is spot on. But, there were so many issues in her own family how could she not be wounded herself and pass those on to me and I inadvertently passed them on to mine. Then again I realized I had to forgive her in her final years because she refused to recognize her own “wounds” as you put it. I’m widowed 13 yrs and now self sufficient…I don’t have a choice. And I’m realizing my own “wounds” but that’s not sufficient for my children. They expect me to “change” immediately something that took me 66 yrs to “develop”. I ask what exactly they want from me and they say “you know”. To me they don’t know how to verbalize their own emotions but expect me to. So I pray a lot and ask Jesus for guidance.
I think I ticked all of the boxes 😢 I’m a loaner-Woolf. Not that I like it or want it, but I have a hard time to connect with people. My mum was always distanced and cold and only wanted to please my dad to get some approval as she never got it from my grandma. So so sad 😞
The Mother wound is very posdible to heal. Ive been working on it for sonetime now, and i cannot express the joy the is starting to fill up my heart when i work on giving myself what i wanted as a child. The first step is admitting it, compassion for your mother. And then putting the kind acts and thoughts in place to replace all that inner noise and unkindness. ❤
I remember since I was very young, feeling like my mom didn't like me. Whatever I did, I was never good enough for her. I tried really hard for years until I just gave up, it just wasn't worth the energy to try and make her happy.
She also had an obvious preference for my brother, he was a bully... Whatever he did, she was always on his side, blaming me for it.
As an adult, I tried to talk to her about it, even my dad admitted they did things wrong, which is okay because they tried. But she just accused me of making things up and being ridiculous, answering me with sarcasm. Her usual answer if I ever ask for help is to "get over it."
She's a great person to everyone else, caring and understanding, just not with me.
You are not alone ❤
By God that is awful
A narcissistic mother for sure,had same experience in life and I absolutely do not care what she thinks.
My mother comes from a culture where men are seen as gods and raised better than girls, women are not seen as humans with needs or emotions, they are just something to own & do as they please with them & to decide over them , their future etc, even whom to marry, they force you to marry the one they like.
My mother favoured her son all her life, even now when he is cheating on his wife, she just babies him and accepts him & think it is his wife's fault for him cheating.
I am unmarried, and in her culture it's the worst thing ever happening, it's the biggest disappointment, its even worse than cheating or killing someone, they look at you as if you are a witch.
For this I have shamed her so much & she worries & i am blamed for all her problems, that she can't sleep because I am unmarried, and my siblings blames all her health problems on me.
But it's OK when her disgusting pig son is whoring around with every woman he sees, and she still looks at him like a newborn pure baby.
She even said how bad & disgraceful my other girl cousins were for having a boyfriend. But she never said it was bad when her son or the other male cousins have girlfriends, she think women are bad & are whores for having a boyfriend, fir having love & sexual needs to be fulfilled.
A woman should only be quiet and accept everything is what she means, only to sacrifice herself & her happiness for others and for her family.
A woman is not allowed to be happy or have any desires or wishes or dreams, she only dies what she is told.
Omg, I read your post after I wrote mine, and this is nearly identical to my experience.
Everyone in our immediate circle thought my mother was wonderful since she was “authentically” kind, humorous, attentive and generous with them. Because of this, I came to believe that something was seriously wrong with me, although I couldn’t figure out what it was. I never was able to do anything right in her eyes, and if I came close, it was always met with something snarky like “Its about time.” or “You finally decided to use your brain for a change.” Never any words of support, praise or encouragement.
It’s been 20 years of no contact, and I have zero regret.
My mother went to prison when I was a few months old. I was raised by grandparents for a good chunk of early years who were both alcoholics. I broke the cycle of addiction by getting clean in 2016,
I don’t know you but I am proud of you for breaking the cycle! ❤
Proud of you too!!! Stay strong 💪
@@intentionallyleftblank3016 Thank you, Bless you my friend
@@TheDoconnor1266
Whish you the best! You are a great person
I'm now almost 62 and never felt safe, wanted, or loved by my mother. I haven't seen my mom now since 1995. I never had my own children because I was taught that children weren't important and didn't have any rights or value. I struggle to be around people, but I'm good with animals.
❤️🩷🧡💛
So sad to hear it, I dont know you but I believe that every one deserves to be healed and have a chance to establish a family. The important part of you as a woman has been taken away from you.
I am sending you lots of love!
@@marcybar4797 Thank you. Sometimes the kind words from a stranger mean more to someone than you know.
Sending you big hugs, Im in some ways kind of in the same dynamic. Life can be absolutely brutal and you can feel disconnected from others even after you have done a lot of healing and self-reflection. Its down in the foundation the first 7 years of our brain and nervous system development. There is no quick fix, but slow patient work.
So sorry. I know how you feel. You deserve to feel safe and loved. Big hug 🤗💖
Coldness and rejection made me a lone wolf...I gave up trying to find alike people.
Same. We are safe from harm alone…
I am in too. We feel relaxed and in peace when alone, and stressed when in company. I think it's because our narc mother took so many space in our life, they love to be the center of attention. So there is no room to our self, we tend to forget our own self, because the delusional ego of our mother was put in the place of our forming self. Taking this trauma away feels like removing a tattoo but in the psych , i never let her hurt my heart, that is why she hate me, she never destroyed me as she wanted to. These beings are demons in human flesh.
@@naturalhealingmexico
I agree but there is much more behind like patriarchy. Right now I'm watching The Beauty and the Beast which I never thought I would watch it (it's pouring outside 😕 which is good because we need the water), anyway, I'm watching the film already started and I see the Beauty returning to her home and I can see my sisters 🤣 this world is crazy and neither men nor women are healthy. My mother has been destroying me slowly with the help of my already deceased father (I wonder if he found out what a witch he married before dying, I doubt it) and my siblings, mostly female.
I understand why I don't feel safe with men or women. I have lost all faith in humanity but some people on TH-cam channels call us "the chosen ones"... it's so pathetic...I can't understand why they called scapegoats the chosen ones when most of us won't ever reach maturity or our purpose. Most of us end up being isolated but by choice after being isolated since childhood.
I can't understand God's plan but from my perspective, we have been waisted. All our potential thrown with the water of the baby's water.
Sorry, right now I can't be positive.
My best wishes 💜☘️... try to make your life worth living, I'm trying but it seems I can't. Love 💕
it backfires...I'm not giving up. Being in isolation as people age, become sick, like I learned with a disability that ended my nursing career I 2020 as I was abandoned by 'mother healthcare' and lit the match to going through ALL of this now, the decades leading up? .....while I understand it and attracted people who are cold, distant, etc, I remain committed to working on myself so I can meet and attract healthy people. Anti-social media has NOT helped and people need to get their heads our their Apps to do their part. @@sorkiemernie
You speak life into your own soul....every morning I go infront my mirror and repeat I love you to myself......I feel so safe because I'm leading with my own words. But get all your negativity out first. All the best.... you still have Purpose
I'm a complete lone wolf. I dont like to rely on anybody for anything but the funny thing is, as soon as somebody else needs help, I'm more than willing to help them. I battle with low self esteem and self worth.
Support and love to you. May you be free in this life and be able to have whatever it is you need emotionally.
You are worthy and deserving of love ❤
❤
Damn brother, i just read my life through your comment, how crazy, the other thing is i never knew this was a mother wound instead i thought it was due to my father since he caused all the BS but anyway, love you brother we will make the best path
I wish I knew someone like you ! I need so much help as a low-income single, but it's not there so I'm on my own, and things just don't get done.
Breaking the cycle. 50 this year and I wish I would've recognised earlier the mother wound passed on through our generations. After digging the past I see where my mom got it from as well. I used to blame her inability to create a close, affectionate relationship with me, but then in my late 30's I learned about the abuse she went through since very young. Now I feel compassion for her. We don't speak because of religious believes that she shares, so I am thiking to write her a letter. A letter of acknowledgement of her struggles... of forgiveness. Maybe this way she can also find healing.
I had the emotionally unavailable, highly critical, cold and shut down mom. She wasn’t this way with anyone in our lives, except me. Went no contact years ago and never looked back.
You can do that? Lol
Definitely, have suffered from the mother wound! I also passed it to my daughter being a single mom when she was younger working and being in survival mode the only difference is I work hard now to be present for my daughter and granddaughter. I have a close relationship with them. A genuine, loving bond, thank God for correction.
You're a great mother
So happy you were able to mend things! x
I invite you to do yourself another favor and call it healing instead of correction❤and as someone who's just started to go through that path, reading your comment and knowing it's beautiful where you're at on your process gives me a lot of encouragement and put a mich needed smile on my face. I'm happy for you and your future generations of women who, I have faith, will someday help to heal this deeply wounded world ❤ thanks for sharing
That's so wonderful! much the same for me, I'm so grateful for this time and all these moments to be present, accepting and loving.
I realized today that my mother will never change, so our relationship will never change. After crying for hours, I came to your channel. Thank you. Just thank you.
It's definitely sad and I've been there but trust me it's a lot better when you just accept it instead of having false hope and doing the whole magical thinking thing because they will never get it they won't generally apologize they won't do anything to correct their behaviors and in the end you'll just keep getting hurt. Just because someone doesn't know how to love you doesn't mean you're not worthy of love.
@@jclyntoledo thank you!
It can feel soul crushing, enraging, numbing.. Expect a full spectrum of emotions. It’s unsettling and destabilizing but know that it’s a completely normal response to an abnormal thing.
There’s a wonderful freedom that comes with accepting our mothers for who they are and where they are. Acceptance brings the ability to stop coming to them hoping for a different response. We know the response well. It’s just human nature to want to be loved and accepted by our parents.
It also takes time to reach acceptance because this is a grieving process. Grief of what you experienced and the reality of the relationship and grief of what you didn’t receive that you should have.
I’m glad you allowed yourself to cry, not everyone has that ability. Keep feeling your feelings even when they are incredibly uncomfortable. Lean into the discomfort. You’ll be okay even when it doesn’t feel like it. 🩷
The relationship will change, if you show up differently in the relationship. Maybe it still will not be what you would want it to be, however the relationship will change.
It is sad to come to the realization that a mother is incapable of loving and protecting her daughter. However, it is better to have that settled than to go through the never-ending yo-yo effect of hoping against hope that a toxic mother may some day show some self-awareness and compassion for her child.
I never share. Or comment or post, But I think that is part of my mother wound. If I took up too much space use my voice had an opinion or had an emotion I was a problem. So I learned to go into a little turtle shell. Unfortunately I’ve struggled to reach out for support when I need it as an adult.
Just you posting this is amazing. Youre not only validating your emotions by writing them out, but believing yourself when you post and document it. I wish you luck on your journey. How you feel is real, and its ok to ask for help
@@raelatable8798I couldn’t have said that better! And @kristendreamy- be proud! Writing something out is absolutely courageous! I’ve learned myself that if I say it out loud (either in writing anywhere or vocalizing them) the thoughts/feelings/emotions don’t seem quite as intimidating! Lots of love to you both!!!
I'm the same I was never allowed to be sad or even look sad or unhappy. At 68 I still find it difficult to allow my feelings to just be. I think that's why my relationships have been disastrous. You've made the first step by commenting here, keep going. I say they may have ruined my childhood but I'm dammed if I'm going to let them ruin the rest of my life. Big hugs ❤❤❤
Sad how many people, myself included, are going to tick all boxes
same
Or add more!
I ticked em all. 57 and still healing them! It’s ridiculous.
same
✋🏻
I'm 68 and was taken away from my mother at 5 years old. My step mother hated me and my foster mother never let me forget that I didn't belong. I was not allowed to have any feelings. I had to look 'happy'. I feel no connection to family and it set me up for bad relationships. Whatever happens I 'look happy' while inside I'm screaming 😢
That's so sad. I'm sorry you went through that ❤
I am so sorry :-( ❤️
I’m so incredibly sorry you have endured this. No one should ever be made to feel any of those horrible feelings, especially as a child whenever you needed the opposite. Sending you huge hugs and I hope you know how valuable you are, how much you matter and mean to us in this world, and I wish the next 50 years to be filled with lots of love and happiness - you deserve them friend! 💝
Bless you all for your kind words ❤️❤️❤️
🙏❤️
I am aware of my mother wounds. As a mother myself now, I’m working on healing and being a better mom for my child 🙏❤️✨
Me too😊
This is why I love the new generations so much. They’re learning from the past and changing the bad patterns.
Good luck, let their innocent little face(s) always inspire you to be not the best version of yourself as a mother but as the HEALTHIEST version of yourself as a mom🌞👍🏻👍🏻❤️🩹.
same here ♥
@@elisabethhughes6005 this is what i always say and people look at me like i'm crazy but i TRULY believe the up and coming generations are going to be the catalyst for some really, really deep change in the way we all do things.
My mom had a miscarriage before me and always told me “you’re lucky you are here. If I had the other baby, you wouldn’t be here.” It was not in a tone that made me feel loved and cherished. I was told children should be seen and not heard. I was told not to cry. When bottled up emotions erupted as anger, she laughed and said I was overreacting. She always criticized that I was a perfectionist believing I was born that way. My mom may have told me she loves me (I don’t remember if she did) but I feel energy and I could tell it wasn’t genuine. I could go on and on…….
I fought with everything within me NOT to become my mom. Thankfully my relationship with my kids is a beautiful gift. When I’m called out on bad behavior, I take responsibility for my actions, heal and transform.
What a hideous thing to say to a child... awful 😢
When I was 9 my mother told me she had a miscarriage 6 months before she conceived me. I'm the one who immediately figured out that if that baby had lived I wouldn't exist. She agreed in a detached, academic-interest sort of way. I developed a serious case of imposter syndrome that day, believing I wasn't really supposed to be alive and I better keep my head down in case God noticed me or something. I still struggle with it. At the same time she told me how she thought she miscarried me because she passed a "clot" at about 20 weeks, but the next day the doctor heard my heartbeat so "all was well." She always said she swore the clot looked like a baby, though. Just a few years ago I found out that clot WAS a baby, my twin sister... so no wonder I developed the feeling I wasn't supposed to be here on Earth. My mother was not a warm, nurturing person and I've wondered if she was a bit on the autism spectrum. She always treated us more like a teacher than a mother, which is what she was before she had us. Complicated dynamics for sure!
I’m so sorry! Sending you lots of love! I was the oldest and my mom told me it was my fault she had a miscarriage when I was a teenager. 😢 I tell my baby I’m so lucky to have him!
My mother would constantly remind me of her miscarriage she had before she became pregnant with me and usually she would melt down around that time each year. Made me feel as if she really did not want me 😞
@@cherylmockotr there is research about lost twins brothers or sisters and the fact that the surviving twin feels lonely or has a sense of never belonging anywhere, guilt and imposter syndrome. You can talk it out with a therapist, but basically talk to your twin and acknowledge them. You can tell them about not knowing their existence till then and loving them. Also tell yourself that you are innocent AND that you didn't know about them.
I experienced no comfort from my mother. I can’t even recall her ever giving me advice. I do remember crying to her and telling her my fears and hurts as a kid and her simply not responding to me, no comfort, no hugs, no words at all to encourage me or indicate she cared. She has Alzheimer’s now, close to end stage. She can’t remember me anymore but I was like a ghost anyway, so….
❤ im sorry angel sending you so much love and healing
I feel for you.. Sending some good vibes and wishing you some peace. 💙
Oh darling it wasn’t you … it was her …I had a similar experience with my mum so I know how hurt you must feel 💔
Many are in the same situation my mum was hyper critical very toxic. Now she has dementia and I look forward to when she forgets me. Its better than being her punching bag. 😢
I do this to my mom today as an adult. I try to get all of these things, still from her. Perhaps i should take a break or cut her off? I don't know anymore...I have no support, but i try to get her support and everything else you mentioned. I hope you find healing and peace.
Total lone wolf here , never felt safe, seen, heard or understood growing up, its a damn curse because its ingrained and enforced over decades. Slow process to unlearn and build trust in people.
Focus in your self love acceptance etc, i am in the same boat, but imaging open yourself to trust in people while living in a town infested with narcs. That be more traumatic. So i still keep doors closed, after terrible experience with narc people in my community.
❤
yes, it's a slow process, but it's worth the hard work, the psychotherapy...or else we will die as unloved as we were in our childhood. hugs.
Same here, but I’ve been hurt and sabotaged by so many people during my life that I don’t think I’ll ever trust anyone again. It’s just not safe out there for me, or at least that’s my experience.
@kgs2280 yeah thats the exact loop of hurt and pain that you try to break and heal, but with fast paced modern life, social media etc it can be really difficult to build up new connections that show you can trust people. Its like capitalism and individualism doesn't promote community, love and connection more to the contrary of egoism and discussion. Real sad and makes it harder to heal, trauma happened in a social setting and part of healing is also in a social setting.
Distance is the right word, there never is real intimacy, they say they love you but there is always that Distance that tells you the love is not real, it is not unconditional....I am lucky to have married a man who is secure and loving, there is no distance emotionally I know he loves me, he does not need to say the words...I feel badly for my mom who will never know what true love feels like but so proud of myself for breaking the cycle...😊
I'm 58 - no kids, no husband, no boyfriends ever, emotional/romantic/intimacy anorexic. I disassociated from my body & needs bc hers always come first. She always tried to hide/isolate me from the world (even resented time spent w/my brother.) A lifetime of invalidation, trying to break my self-esteem, infantalize me, shame me< I am a fearful avoidant attachment style/cptsd/codependent, enmeshed w/her. Bc of emotional hunger, I fed my face instead of my body w/real intimacy & partnership and lived in magical thinking and with limerence. THANK YOU AGAIN DR. LEPERA!!
Same, well said.
❤🫂 So relatable. May you find freedom and genuine, unburdened love.
You are not alone. Your story is so much like mine.
Thank you for teaching me what limerence is, I'll put that in a poem. 42m divorced, emotionally immature, and I struggle with eating my feelings (it's tradition). I fill my belly 'til it presses on my sternum so my solar plexus feels like it's getting hugged. Perhaps a desperate attempt by the subconscious for touch.
💜
Maybe the last two? She was working, sleeping, or reading romance novels. Our job was to leave her the hell alone. She hated me, especially. I was “weird.” Then she chose my abuser over me and that necessitated an end to whatever relationship we had.
Hugs for you if you want them. I know exactly how that feels.
i’m sorry you went through that nobody deserves that, sending you lots of love
💔
I hope you find deep healing and know your enough ❤
I received the punishment for "all men" from toddler age onward. Physical abuse, emotional abuse, neglect, silent treatment, whatever my mom needed to self soothe. There was always an implied condition of verbal abuse with every meal, clothing item, and gesture. Self-reliance wasn't just safety, it became existential salvation.
Circumcision is often another "punishment" that boys receive that society refused to talk about. A big problem in the USA, supposed land of "FREEDOM AND LIBERTY"...this cannot be if boys don't own their own genitals.
More and more I'm grateful to have had the mother I did. She wasn't perfect by any means (I certainly do have a "mother wound") but she genuinely tried. She went to therapy for YEARS to deal with her own mother (and father) wounds. She started the cycle breaking (and what an awful cycle it was) and I believe she deserves all the credit for that. I hope when I have my own children I can continue the cycle-breaking.
Any time I expressed myself my Mother countered my expression with, "NO YOU DON'T! YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU LIKE OR WHAT YOU DON'T LIKE!!!" Her inference was SHE WOULD DETERMINE WHAT I DID AND DIDN'T LIKE!
When I graduated from high school I allowed "ZERO" self expression and recognized that fact. I started giving myself permission to truely discover who I really am. I was blessed with two wonderful friend's who helped me through that procces. Today I am the me that God created me to be. I was able to forgive my misguided Mother. Today I am happy being the ME that God created me to be.
i love it!!
I'm not sure about my great-grandmother, but my mother had this from my grandmother, and I had this from my mom. I have one daughter, and was on this track with her until she was about 5. Then God saved me and changed my heart. I'm not perfect, but I'm ending the cycle. I cherish my relationship with my little girl and I pray she doesn't feel like this as she grows up.
Wow I’m a lone wolf. Never connected the phenomenon to cold mother and me never wanting to ask for help knowing I would be lambasted… 💡 🐺
I would add "parenting your mother" as my malignant narc mother did. So the roles get inverted. Please Dr LePera make a book about how to heal the mother wounds , your books are very assertive and effective.
Agreed. There are a bunch of other things I was surprised to not see on the board, tbh, like psychological abuse (like gaslighting), emotional abuse (as opposed to neglect), physical neglect, and physical or sexual abuse. Not sure of why they weren’t mentioned, because they seem more straightforward than many of the things that were.
@@EIizabethGrace I suppose Dr LePera wants to keep it mild, i guess if she writes a book about this issue it will be wild.
I have to do the same thing. She is totally shut done emotionally.
@@naturalhealingmexico or really overwhelming for some who may just be identifying this in their mother call I've had so much self-help in therapy in bulshit I'm the only one in my family know that my brother and my mother I'm the crazy one
My mother has given me the cold shoulder for YEARS but she denies it! Even though she has sent texts saying ''don't bother to reply'' and drafted in her sisters and a few cousins to also give me the cold shoulder, she still somehow manages to believe that it is merely my perception that she gave me the cold shoulder. So bizarre. She feels genuine anger that I DARED to try to communicate something that mattered. She doesn't recognise passive aggression as anger though. She only recognises a really straight forward plea to be heard as anger (well this is my take. It has been so awful and upsetting and it's been going on for four years now, well four years since I first stood really firmly in my own interpretation of events that YES SHE HAD HURT ME AND THAT I NOT HER AM THE JUDGE OF WHETHER OR NOT I'M HURT.
Your dealing with a covert narcissist. Who has twisted your reality into you having to prove you are not giving the cold shoulder. When really as the “parent” she should be taking steps to bring you together. Really, you already know all of this. The only thing left is to have a relationship or to not have a relationship with her, decide.
Very glad for you, sometimes these narc mothers feel entitled because we don't sent boundaries and never complain about what they say. We need to keep our ground in order to not be intimidated by them. At the end it's their crazy ego what is all about, the more we back the more they feel powerful, so don't be afraid of confronting , rebel !!! They never act as mother's, but as wolf's.
Stay strong dear. You are dealing with a narcissistic mother and you are the scapegoat of the family. This is a toxic, unsafe environment and is NOT your fault! She is an injured perpetual child, empty and toxic. Go no contact and seek a happy, fulfilling life with people that offer mutual respect, caring, kindness, support and love. Keep knowing your self worth and do this for yourself so that you can be all you are meant to be and have enough left to offer good things in return. Big hug to you ❤
Speaking your truth and owning it and calling her out for her lies and bull sh... will drive her nuts lol. just do it over and over and watch her flip out then laugh to yourself, because ur in control
not her. Flipping the script on someone like that is so much fun to do
@@RedHeadie_88 but it is not convenient, specially if the mother it's narc, they search for revenge eventually, on the contrary I suggest just to make them believe we are still in their lies, ba vs never accept fault or a different opinion, besides that, discussing with names can it's pointless and exhausting. Better to avoid them.
All of the above applied to my situation. The one that endangered me the most was crippling pacifism in the face of abusive people, because negative emotions are "sinful".
I'd also like a video about the father wound because my weak father always backed up my mother so the message I got, I think, was that no man would ever stand up for me, and that that was too much to ask. I just had to accept fitting in around other people. My father is STILL the same now as he always was.
Yes please. The only thing worse than having a mother wound is having a mother and father wound. My mother died in 2011, father is still on the planet but he regrets my existence.
I think we all have mother and father wounds
I love my mother. I think she was definitly in Survivor mode. When i told her i was depressed in high school, she said that I'm just spoild and that she has more problems than I do. Even now, I'm 30 and she gets annoyed if I cry. She says 'that's not gonna help you'. But I tell her 'It acctualy helps me'. But when I talk to her about her childhood, she grow up with six siblings and they would make fun of her cause she was the youngest so she would cry a lot and they gave her a nickname 'crybaby' so maybe she feels like the only way to feel protected is to not show emotions to much
glad you cry when you need to. it helps regulate our nervous system and will make you feel better afterwards!
I didn’t realize until much later how abusive my father was to my mom, psychologically and emotionally. She suffered a lot and inevitably it trickled down. I’m so grateful for the new awareness both in myself and in the larger world.
same 💔 i think i was alienated from her very early on, and knowing how hard her life was even before she got married, it makes me really sad for her. She deserved so much better, and i wish we could have had a better relationship than we did (I think most of the family strife, even just among the siblings, comes from my father being abusive towards her for their entire marriage. i used to be close to him as a kid, but by now his memory is almost completely tarnished. She did nothing to him, ever, to deserve the way he treated her).
This is also my story. So sad. Didn’t realize these things until I was much older.
Amen 🙏🏾
This part! ❤
We have almost the same name! I’m Elizabeth Hughes!
My mother had borderline personality disorder. I can tick almost all those boxes, unfortunately. Having a daughter myself now, I'm so aware of all these things. I've been going to therapy for over ten years and luckily I've become aware of these things. So I hope my own daughter has the best future possible.
That's rough, I've heard many horror stories of chaos involving untreated Borderline parents.Hats off to you for going to therapy for years & focusing on being the healthiest mother you can be🌞👍🏻👍🏻.
Hi. I feel you. My mom also had BPD. She had a complicated life. My mom was one of 7 and the only child that was given out for adoption. I never understood why she was unhappy with that arrangement. She went from getting abused by her violent and crazy mother and absent father. To be the only daughter of a rich older couple who gave my mom an amazing life. Coming home was like a bad forest Gump box of chocolates. You never knew what Mom I came home too. She treated me with so much disdain but lucky for me I had people around me like my nanny who protected me, my adoptive grandmother and my dad. Today I take pride in breaking the cycle of abuse. I just do the opposite my mother would have done. I follow heart and therapy. My kids are normal and live the life I wished I had as a kid. My greatest accomplishment.
Yes, therapy is self care.....it is WELL with you and your future generations ❤❤
My mom had bipolar manic depression. My dad was so toxic to her that one day after a week on her medicine she was having side effects of being mean to everyone verbally and my dad threw a pack of cigarettes at her and tried to get rid of her meds. She hasn't been on those meds since because of the side effects. She would also get twitching in her neck as well.
❤❤❤❤❤
I took a pause from my mom and my power came back. I did full time healing for 15 years, deep shadow work and experienced illness and despite a lot of awareness, I allowed myself to be blind to her toxicity.
My mom isn't mean.
But she hid her alcoholism and refused to take responsibility for herself.
I felt emotionally responsible for her and I felt like I carried her.
So I literally felt extremely heavy in all ways possible.
Once I got away..
The weight LIFTED.
I have this badly. My mother will not communicate. She won't listen. She sees no need for communication because there is ONE perspective; hers! So therefore, any other perspective is ''entitled'', ''aggressive''. I'm just trying to piece myself back together again but luckily, when my daughter was about 11, I kind had another epiphany, I realised I was stressed that I couldn't control her. So I had this moment where I got it. What had been done to me and how I needed to be different. YES< again, no negative emotions were allowed. Toxic positivity, instantly, even if you lost your job, you're not allowed to be sad for five minutes. You're instantly commanded to look on the bright side and count your blessings. You might just want to wallow for ten minutes before you pick yourself up and brush yourself down.
Lone wolf here! 😅 Check 1 through 6 for how my mom was. Good news though, I have consciously broken the cycle for how I am raising my child! ❤ Thank you so much for your videos. Feeling less alone. Love and peace to all. ❤❤❤
My mom was emotionally explosive and a functional alcoholic. One day nice and helpful the next day drunk, raging anger, or partying with others in bars or she tried to break down my room door or took away my things. This damaged my nervous system. i'm soo glad that I can spend a lot of time alone doing good things for me (i'm an INFJ). But i also crave soulmate type of love - I never had a boyfriend and i'm very good at visualizing love and intimacy scenarios about my future-partner. Feeling save and cozy in my surroundings is very important to me.
Mom was obese, constantly yo-yo dieted. I joined her, and she allowed it. I got a lot of "Of course he loves you, he's your father!" "Of course (they) love you, they're your (family member.)" Told how much she loved me, but I never felt loved.Told to be "ladylike" all the time. Constant criticism of my behavior and demeanor. Allowed to be sad, or happy - but nothing else ever. Complained about my father, to me, but tolerated no complaint about him from me. Her esthetics were moral dictum, I was not even allowed to like dark colors since "children wear pastels." Never felt safe telling her anything about myself, she - knew me better than I knew myself, though. Told how to wear my hair, what shoes were appropriate - this until I left home, and after. And I was naturally modest, nothing skimpy about what I preferred to wear. This was always about the color or the level of formality. She wanted a little girl, but never managed to explain puberty/menstruation to me.
Wow. Um, I didn't realize how much all of this still sits on my soul. She died 4 years ago, I'd gone NC a decade earlier. I never had children, partly knowing how damaged I was and not wanting to pass it on.
Sorry to read that, we all are in this trip, sadly. I have 2 malignant narc parents, i was criticize by both of them, i always felt like a punching bag as a kid, ether one or the other get on me, also my siblings, i am the scapegoat, and until you realize this, you keep playing the role they assigned. Narcs are demons in human flesh no doubt
I feel like I could have written this … I’ve had a very similar experience.
39 no kids honestly same reason. The trauma ends with me
@@Em-im1yzSame
You just described my childhood. Im past the age and never had children either. I wanted them but didn't feel like I deserved or could handle them.
I taught myself. I relied on myself and adopted the mantra that if you wanted it done you had to do it yourself.
I believe something fundamental and maybe even spiritual happened to women and consequently to families in WW II that will continue to haunt generations to come.
I can't have children now so it's too late for me to be able to pass down healthy skills. It is extremely sad what is happening to families.
I really want to heal from this😢
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Me too 🥺
First sign: you clicked on this video
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Circumcision is CHILDHOOD SEXUAL ABUSE.
Circumcision damages the maternal infant bond.
So tired of these enlightened therapists that talk about equality avoid talking about MALE GENITAL MUTILATION SEXUAL ABUSE.
Sexual violence performed upon boys will OBVIOUSLY CREATE PROBLEMS IN SOCIETY.
Circumcision: The Hidden Trauma by Dr. Ronald Goldman covers this and anyone that is SOMATICALLY TRAINED MUST ADMIT THIS OR BECOME A COWARDLY MISANDRIST LIAR.
Where's the inclusivity and "equality", folks?
All non-life saving procedures should be banned on all minors.
American men are treated like farm animals - but, I rarely ever see people talk about it.
"My body, my choice..." - shouldn't that be for boys and men, too? EQUALITY? ANYONE?
Disappointed.
My Mommy had 6 kids. I was #5. She always told me she didn’t have to worry about me because I was stronger than my older siblings. I took care of her in her later years with leukemia and dementia. Both diseases are cruel but dementia was worse. Seeing her berate me and accuse me of horrible things while she was hallucinating was heartbreaking. I praise God that she now has a new body and mind. I love you Mamita. Rest In His Glory! 💫
This is my mother from A-Z.
It's been a Living Hell growing up with her and with my abusive father.
I wish i had these kind of videos back then.😢
My grandmother was extremely under-resourced, raising 6 kids on her own, in rural poverty from the time my own mom was an early adolescent. Grandma fully dissociated during that time. So my mom hit me and my brother with all of these, all the while giving heaps of emotional support to her friend's kids after their dad split and getting angry/dismissive when we expressed any emotional need. I feel like she resented us for being brought up in a better situation than she was.
I know my mom struggled with her body (now in my adult life she’s been diagnosed with an eating disorder), but the thing that stands out the most is vague memories of being upset and being alone in my room, with no parental comfort (when they were often the source of the conflict and upset)… so through therapy have come to realize how self-reliant I have been and working on asking for help, trusting others more, etc… thank you Dr Nicole 🙏🏼
This very reason is why It's very hard to have a loving relationship with my mother. I'm 47 and have been in therapy for 20 years to work through this and other issues. My mother just refuses to own her mental health. She states that conselours just don't work for her after going only two or three times. She has tried several times. She says this is just the way she is and is too old now to change. Mom is 73. I still love her and want the best for her. I just can't get as close to her as I really want to because she keeps me at arms length. Thank you for everything you do. 💚🙏
I urge you to go no contact. Lots of love to you ❤
Me too. I am 70.
I got this. Seeing happy families and loving mothers makes me feel hatred and envy.
I feel joyful for them and with them....then later, I cry from the pit of my soul. I have to ask Jesus to remind my heart to not envy...it helps, it works. I get it though
That’s a very valid feeling
I’m 38 and I have such a deep mother wound. My mom had almost all of those. She was in physical pain constantly, under resourced, constantly working, her mother was the same way only much worse that left her extremely cold. She still ignores me when she’s mad, critized herself and my weight, and never gave any emotional attention to me. Ugh I can go on and on. She gave me everything I needed which makes me feel guilty for being upset with her. I should be over it. My father was the polar opposite, he made up for that missing part the best he could. My saving grace was therapy and I’ve worked through the issues that resulted from it. I knowing she loves me but I get to change the curse by loving my daughter with all my heart and making her feel my love.
I see myself passing down my own mother wound to my kids and it frightens me. I’m the lone wolf-type and also have dealt with a lot of existential issues over the last few years (coupled with a husband who was fully absent emotionally) and it’s impacted my ability to care for my kids. Try to course correct by helping them reflect their feelings and experiences in conversation because I never learned that. So I’m trying to learn AND teach this. It’s exhausting.
Hang in there! It’s amazing that you are trying to break the cycle with your own children. So many parents excuse themselves with being too busy to worry about things like that
My mother threw me away like I was garbage into group homes and foster homes when I was 8. Staying with her briefly when I was 16 she took me to my first bar and later my first time at the strippers. Assaulted me sexually and was innapropriate in so many ways. She hasnt called or visited in 35yrs. I still get sad at times but I quickly realize im better without her. I didnt have children of my own out of fear of passing on my trauma. By not having kids I can 100% ensure the trauma ends with me. 🙏
From feeling validated by all but one of those check boxes, I'm now feeling the need to send you a hello through this whole mess. I've always felt grateful that at least my mother didn't give me away. I'm so sorry for how you were treated and the cost of that extreme neglect, I hope you found some peace x
Sorry to read that, focus in your spiritual side, it has helped me a lot in my recovery from my mother who loves dramas and scenes, extremely histrionic, etc, give it a try, the wounds these narc mothers did cause demage in our soul and psyche.
@@kymandrew1850 Thank you for your kindness in reaching out. Im getting close to peace in my life after spending my entire adulthood managing this trauma. Hoping you have managed and found peace yourself.
@@naturalhealingmexico Thank you. I think that would be good for me. I know nothing about my spiritual side. I will be starting to go to yoga classes soon. Perhaps this can provide the peace I will need in my brain to explore that side of me.
@@kymandrew1850 Thank you for the kindness and reaching out. Im getting closer to peace everyday. As anyone here knows its really hard to find the peace when your existence is dominated by trauma. Im hoping you have managed and found peace.
I got this on all counts. However with some healing I felt comfortable having kiddos and have had an amazing relationship. In fact they showed me what I felt I was always “missing” and I had to re-grieve how bad it was for me as a kid.
I / my mum tick all those boxes and I'm looking forward to the rest of this series! Emotional neglect and a mother wound mean you're robbed of skills to thrive in life. You may appear very high functioning, like I did, and slip under the radar until the consequences of the impact it has on your adulthood start to pile up - and they will, and in my case it nearly killed me more than once. Society should stop kidding itself that it's excusable to parent in this way. It's not. Our parents had their own trauma, sure. But they chose to not reflect on it, heal it, nor consider how their behaviour and belief system impacts a child. Many continue to choose not to enquire nor take accountability. I'm glad videos like this are getting a generation to wake up, even if we've lost half our adulthood first. Unfortunately, you're talking about damage that's imprinted on us in development. Therapists able to genuinely shift this are as rare as unicorn farts. Even then, it's a lifetime's work unravelling these patterns in ourselves.
I agree with all you say. I'm nearly 60 and have had years of therapy. It helped but I'm now doing Internal Family Systems therapy and it is transformational!! The new experiential therapies that work with the body (IFS, coherence therapy, somatic experiencing) seem to help re-wire the brain and calm the nervous system - do look into these if you haven't already (also Family Constellations work) ❤
Feeling this and relating through many different levels. 💜💙
🫂 Feeling exactly what you mean.
I wanted desparately to enjoy being around my mother. I tried so hard. Never worked out, although she occasionally gave me a temporary delusion of delight only to then crush me worse. I loved her deeply, made excuses for her weird behaviors toward me, and tried to hide these toxic experiences from others. My Dad (and my Faith in God) was my rock, but Dad's work gave him little time with me. I was stuck with her and her bewildering madness. When she passed, it's like a Pandora's box opened flooding me with hard sickening forgotten memories of her abuse.
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I'm currently reading her book "How to be the love you seek" I have read about 1/4th of it and It's already been like a weight has been lifted over my soul. Tried answers looking for "god", meditated, used supplements, searched from esoteric knowledge, cold showers, holotrophic breathing, did peyote, you name it, I've done it. Even read books like "12 rules for life" and Robert Greens books also! Even did the whole carnivore diet thing.... This book has given me the understanding of what really happened in my childhood. So straight to the point. Yet such powerful information. Thank you for writing this. Thank you. Is there a translation in Spanish? If there isn't I'm willing to translate it myself. I'm starting to tear up by the way. So powerful! Thank you for your existence un this world. Thank you ❤
I resonate with most of your content tbh. I had already worked on understanding this stuff but your videos confirm what I worked on. I just don't know what to do to stop feeling annoyed and invalidated by her and and all this that's all.
I love your videos and what you do. Everything you put out is on point and resonates with me massively.
Thank you 😊
Cut off all ties is my way to help me heal. I’ve finally accepted reality and now I will heal and live an amazing life creating my own family. She will not rob me of the future my creature has promised.
All of these apply to my mother and father, and there are even additional signs of abuse. And then all people around me (including psychologists because I live in a bad country) tell me that I have no trauma, that I'm lazy and ungrateful and that my parents are good parents. Whatever, I've learned to heal and survive completely alone. And now I'll try to open the eyes of as many of the ignorant people as I can.
Let me guess, you live in a Catholic county....in most that countries trauma by parents is taboo.
@@naturalhealingmexicoThere's been plenty of Catholic religious leader scandals involving child abuse that got swept under the rug too🤢.
Sounds to me like Asian parents, lacking emotional support, kindness or compassion while valuing only external markers of achievement. Unquestioning respect and subservience to parents and elders. Caring more about image than children’s actual emotional needs. Lots of cruelty and narcissism in Asian parents that goes unnoticed.
Oh no, you just described my childhood. All those points. 😯
ALMOST 62.....MY CHILDHOOD WAS LIKE THIS...AND I TOO WAS AN EMOTIONALY UNAVAILABLE MOTHER...THIS IS SO PAINFUL...
I had all of them. I am now hyper independent, Fearful Avoidant, and spend my life doing for others.
Yes just yes. Mom is a young boomer who was raised by greatest generation and silent generationers. She also went through food insecurity and rual poverty.She was a kid when they got running water and a flush toliet in the 60s..
She's a stuffer by nature and hides from bad emotions unless it's anger. Her severe depressive episode led to me having to help dad with my sibling.This line ends with us and unless my adopted cousin has kids one side of mom's family will end as well.
exactly, generational aspects are huge...so are cultural.
@@Jennifer-gr7hn Most of my family is 55+ so I'm used to the older generations and their thought patterns.She didn't want her kids to go through what she did so she did the opposite.
The longterm study under the name gentle parenting is about as old as my 34 years.They are finally adding gentle parenting type things to college child development classes.
Wow, I knew this was spot on for me, especially the part about “Highly Critical” and after because I completely checked out and my mind wandered to other things, so I had to listen to it again. I’ve also saved this video to listen to a lot more times, until I can let it totally sink into my mind where I can work on it.
Wow! Just Wow. Thank you for this the best explanation I've seen yet. Please do a Father wound video would love to hear your insights on that. ❤
Watching this next to my newborn so I can do better for her
I think so many of us are healing the mother wound. So much love and abundant healing blessings to all you beautiful Souls. I’m so proud of all of us. 🙏🏽❤️🩹🙏🏽
“Sometimes gives a silent treatment”…
My mother’s “personal best” was three months of silence. I still don’t know the reason.
Thank you for sharing you video, I feel like all those boxes were checked. I thought I was so alone and now I don’t feel alone. Thanks again for sharing
WOW, thank you!! Excellent presentation! I'm looking forward to your next one!!
My parents and how they reacted around each other is the primary reason why i wont give them a grandchild or bear children myself. Im 30 years old and am learning disabled. I am not with anyone and it doesnt bother me at all. I have severe anxiety and still live with family because doctors have told my parents that i would never live on my own. I need a financial advisor thats not my family because i cant even save money to pay bills or I'm just barely scraping by. In my town its either factory or retail to get decent pay and with my anxiety i cant deal with either. My mother blames everything on my weight why im anxious etc. Doctors did too. 😅
Such a clear and helpful explanation. Thank you! I had issues with a mother who had body image issues of her own body and she was under resourced.
Oh gosh. Yes. All of these, yes.
Can you do a father wound too?
Thank you, Nicole!
I definitely resonate with some of these characteristics and have been a lone wolf most of my life. I cannot wait to hear how to heal this wound. Thank you!
This truly helps us understand a lot of deep rooted patterns. Would love to understand how we can let go of blame even if forgiveness takes time.
Yep. Definitely have the mother wound. Single mum struggling financially and a lot more.
My life hits every single mark. 😢. I am almost in tears with some of your videos. They hit soo close to home and help me understand sooo much. Thank you!
My entire childhood I could not stand her. I don't have one single good memory of my mom. I only have a few bad memories, but just never felt loved. Now at 49, she is my best friend, my biggest cheerleader in life, someone I admire. I still to this day cannot point out why I felt so distant and so much dislike for my mom as a child, but I am very glad things are different now
What changed?
@@dn-cp6sh We both did. I had my first kid at 14 then had a bad drug habit till I was 44. My life was a disaster and I almost lost it many times. She prayed for me non stop and God ended up changing both of us. Now 5 years sober and we are blessed to be able to talk about all of it with no hard feelings, just love for each other and a desire to heal. She was going through so much more than I realized when I was little and I'm so glad I can see that now and not hold anything against her.
My mother resented me from the moment she knew that i was a 'parasite' in her body. I had to become her companion in misery, while she whined about my father (she subcontracted the blame to me, her 'husband' became 'your father'). So found women in my life to take her position. Now aged 64 I've really embraced my vulnerability, rage and hurt, and above all oceans of grief. It's very embodied, as I literally have to push (punch, kick etc) both parents away from a very lonely little me. I'm lucky to have been able to do this, but what a crap way to bring up a child. Somatic work has helped in a huge way.
I have mother wounds, I have a great family but never was able to have a decent relationship with my mother. It was really hard for my sisters and I to feel like we could talk to her. We all have kids now and we are making sure our kids always feel like they can come to us for anything, especially in times of trouble. Thank God for allowing us to correct things with our kids 🙏🏽
my mother is a psycho. No contact saved me and now I live my life fully.
My mother was amazing, the best mother a person can have , she passeed away almost 13 years or more ago ans i still miss her, my mother wound is that i lost her and till now it breaks my heart and i cry. Love you Ammi ❤ forever 💞♾️
So perfectly said.... Explains everything so clearly...all your messages are so spot on Nicole...i thank you❤
My mother left home when I was 10. I'm an only child and grew up with my shift working policeman dad, who I adore. I've never had children. Lots of the above resonates. Having jumped from one relationship to the next I've now been single for three years and am learning a lot about myself.
this is precisely why I never had children. too much damage healed too late in life.
Thank you for sharing. I'm in the same boat now and it's extremely frustrating.
Thank you for this video. My mother literally ticks off every single one of these boxes, which explains a lot about me. I would love to know how I can heal from this.
I've experienced some of these things. Questioning how many I've passed to my daughter. I know of 2, for sure. Completely unintentional. My daughter is persuing psychology in college ❤ My mom is a wonderful person and would be sad to know these were passed on. I haven't ever heard the words to describe these things. Thank you ❤
I have several of those checked off. However, even though I went through some trauma, I resist blaming my mother because she lost her mother very young and was doing the best she could. She loved me to the moon and back, but I am such a people pleaser and always have been. I don't like to ask for help and do things on my own, but will help everyone else.
My father made it a point to tell me on my birthday every year that my mother didn’t want me. Finally he died in 2020 so I don’t have to hear that story again! But I did hear it for 60 years - ugh
Now concerned that I screwed up my daughter
Just reading these comments and felt the urge to tell you how important you are. How precious you are to this world. I'm sorry you were never told that. I hope the seeds of kind words can take seed & grow. Im sure its never to late to repair with our children. There is always hope. Go gentle xx
I'm glad I saw this. I have had these inner struggles concerning my mother all my years- especially since I was a teenager. I have been looking for a way to heal the hurt. My mom was divorced when I was 10. I could check all the boxes on those signs listed. She haf her own mental issues as well that we grew up with in dealing with her. There were some positive times and things she did, but there was criticism for minor things. And because she was in survival mode I felt I couldn't go to her. That I had to deal with things myself.
OMG Dr. Nicole, I think we had the same Mother! Video totally resonated, and I also ticked off all of these boxes. One time I remember coming home and she was cutting up all the photos of herself in the photo album (she didn't like the way she looked)
These are all me due to my relationship with my mother. I’m currently dealing with cycle breaking.
I would like this video so much more if it worked in how to heal these things.
Thank you for doing this channel to help us all become aware and heal.❤❤❤
Soooo relatable! My mother is so in denial about all this. Cant have a conversation with her. She just either says she cant remember or treats me like I'm a liar. Several of us kids have tried to talk to her about it too. She just wants to hide behind the cloth and joined a monastery instead. She apologizes for NOTHING and says she doesnt have to since she's 'right' with God; so she says its MY problem. 🙄
Mine was 1, 2, 3, & 4. She wasn’t under-resourced financially, but she (and my dad) behaved as though we were on the breadline in some ways (like being able to have a bath or put the heating on), while they splurged on stupid pointless shit like a Weightwatchers subscription or a Soda Stream or novelty Christmas tack.
And I wish she’d been “shut down”, i.e. given me the silent treatment rather than flying into a rage at the drop of a hat.
This is a really good list, thank you.
I say all this in the past tense but she’s still the same, except I’ve distanced myself.
Excellent talk. Thank you. I'm interested in HEALING . 70 Y old .
Thank you, this is highlighting for me the life experience I'm in right now and I fully resonate with what you said. The high level of indecisiveness and fear to take action has brought me to a point where I now have to reset certain parts of my self life and consciously choose my path. I am so thankful for the growth i have received but i cannot help but believe if my childhood was different how further along i would now be at the age of 36years but also thankful for the years by God's Grace that i still have when i know of others in their 50s and 70s now on the path. Eagerly awaiting your thought research on how to help the healing process. Thank you for living your journey to help us live ours 🙏🏾❤️💛💚
Awesome topic that is not discussed often enough, since everyone has been brought up to believe mothers are the best.🧿
I have both mother and father wounds. Great for me! So thankful...
I appreciate how you explain issues. My adult children have distanced themselves because they blame me for all their problems. You’ve brought to light the issues I had with my mother and this one is spot on. But, there were so many issues in her own family how could she not be wounded herself and pass those on to me and I inadvertently passed them on to mine. Then again I realized I had to forgive her in her final years because she refused to recognize her own “wounds” as you put it. I’m widowed 13 yrs and now self sufficient…I don’t have a choice. And I’m realizing my own “wounds” but that’s not sufficient for my children. They expect me to “change” immediately something that took me 66 yrs to “develop”. I ask what exactly they want from me and they say “you know”. To me they don’t know how to verbalize their own emotions but expect me to. So I pray a lot and ask Jesus for guidance.
I think I ticked all of the boxes 😢
I’m a loaner-Woolf. Not that I like it or want it, but I have a hard time to connect with people. My mum was always distanced and cold and only wanted to please my dad to get some approval as she never got it from my grandma. So so sad 😞
I ticked all boxes. Makes me feel sad.
The Mother wound is very posdible to heal. Ive been working on it for sonetime now, and i cannot express the joy the is starting to fill up my heart when i work on giving myself what i wanted as a child. The first step is admitting it, compassion for your mother. And then putting the kind acts and thoughts in place to replace all that inner noise and unkindness. ❤
Wow, amazing video! I have been aware of this wound for a while now, it all makes sense now. Very much looking forward to your next video! Much love🤍.