As you were explaining the phases and your cats started helping you I immediately thought of the natural behavior of cats: 20 hours or so of sleeping with maybe 4 hours of work. All cats I'm aware of work this way. Here's the thing: if you consider how things work in nature, the longer you are exposed out of your safe space (if you have such a thing) the more vulnerable you are to attack and death. This is why many types of animals aren't likely to hunt and eat more than required even if only due to instinct: getting fat gets you eaten. Perhaps autistic inertia combined with delayed processing are meant to work together to minimize risk.
I literally sit in my house talking to myself and trying to come up with scripts to explain this concept to other people and I always feel like the result is still going to be them judging me as if I’m just lazy. I’m a really hard worker and I always produce thorough, high quality work like you, but afterwards I just collapse inside and can’t keep going.
Same here. It sounds like the same thing that happens as a trauma response also. It might not automatically mean autism, could be something else like complex ptsd or childhood ptsd
Amen ! Yes this has always been the case for me . A dear freind a few decades ago , said don't worry , you are not a tortoise or a hare , you are a grass hopper . You move when & how its right , & remain still in the same way . He said i should remember that . I need to remind myself every week of my life that I am not a slacker , nor a super robot on a tread mill . Almost half a century till i got my Dx , this concern is in my top 3 of major issues in life . Being constantly needing to figure out how the heck to refill my battery / recuperate , yet remain focused & productive . After extended periods of autistic burn out , the past few years , however productivity has meant- not having much of a life . Well much of a life beyond being grateful and apreciative of anything i can get done work wise , & any decent time with my son i get .
Woah-- just when I feel like the questions have been answered, more questions are answered!! This is such a realm of self-discovery for me, it keeps surprising me how many of my "idiosyncrasies" or personal challenges I haven't even really been able to put into words or clearly defined thoughts are tied to an actual cognitive THING that so many others can relate to! It is exhilarating to find this resonance, when many of my tendencies have been hard for neuro-typical people to understand and for me to understand how they can be so different my entire life! I can completely shut out everything around me (even as a mom of three...) to work on a project I am into and grind away excitedly at it, ultra-focused and very throrough in my process, quite thrown off and disgruntled when life necessitates me to break away from it (frequent in family life), and my ability to put my whole soul, brain, body into a day at school or work, but then need to just shut out everything when I arrive home and not be questioned about the day, told to do things, offered things, or anything else until I have had some time to process and "unwind." Wow. Learning so much. I agree-- I think there is a place for us in this world, things we can do that others can't. We just have to figure out how to meld our special skills to various situations' demands... hard to do at times. I don't think I'd give it up though. And the inertia thing... exactly!! I have been so hard on myself for not being able to just START the thing! Or finish something I was passionate about if something caused me to lose inertia.
I was diagnosed this week and doubts still haunt me whether I conveyed my experience to professionals correctly, but when you said "it's hard to stop an its hard to start" I went "wow" because that is so me, this whole video is so me, but this sentence brought up memories during which I struggled to start tasks or daily routines
I’ve just found this channel. I’m 44 yo, mom of three kiddos, and I was recently asked (by a classmate) if I was autistic. I don’t have an ASD diagnosis but I do have a CPTSD diagnosis and a history of childhood trauma and abuse. I identify so strongly with everything in this video and it definitely makes me wonder if I need to further examine things. Thank you so much.
I experience this to a similar extent. And I agree with the information you provided. Awesome video! I personally experience this.. I have trouble getting things started unless I'm intrigued and interested in whatever it is. Then when I get started I lose track of time forget to eat sleep etc. It's the need to get something done that makes hard for me to stop. It's a struggle I'm still trying to figure out. Like you I am a creator too. I just recently started and I share my experience's there. It's nice to see so many creators offering so much for the autism community. Great video and I've subscribed. I enjoy getting a different perspective from different people also on the spectrum. It helps me out alot in self growth.
I just found you the other day and I can't thank you enough. I looked up Rudy Simones chart myself and I matched almost every single characteristic. Seeing my doc in a couple days. Thank you for what you're doing. What you said about the dentist appt killed me. I'm 32, mom of three, and stable at this point in my life, but could never figure out why it takes me a whole day just to get myself through a dentist appointment. Thank you again! ❤️
This is an excellent video. I have never been diagnosed as on the spectrum, but I recognise what you are saying. It is my default mode of working. I am either wholly immersed, not coming up for air, deep dive work, or totally distracted; reading, listening to music or watching great yt vids like this one. As a software engineer, this way of working is ok for me, but I always felt I was lazy. Now I know I am just being awesome. Thank you for explaining it so well.
The inertia is kicking my butt currently! I have been taking ADHD meds for aprox 1yr now and I have found that with my impulsivity reduced my autism appears worse in that I am unable to go out and do things anymore. I didn't realise that most things I would do were on impulse! I usually feel great once hyperfocused on a task (if I manage to get started). I also need lots of time to recover as in the past by September each year I would go into a mental shutdown that would often see me on psych wards over the winter season. I thought it was seasonal effective disorder and/or Bipolar disorder until I was finally correctly diagnosed with ASD and ADHD at age 37 (2 yrs ago). Very interesting, thanks for sharing xx
I have both ASD 1 and ADHD I’m 42 and late diagnosed and I have been denied the creative life that I truly deserve. I’m still fighting the world for my rights to express my authentic self without anyone judging me
Thank you for this. I subscribed because of this video (uneven productivity). I've only recently become aware that I would probably have been diagnosed with Aspergers when I was younger, had it been understood better back then, and had I not learned young how to mask my 'weirdness.' When a professional gently raised the subject of 'neurodiversity' recently, though, I knew that she was probably right. It immediately made sense of countless incidents, decisions, and conversations from over the years. I'm still sorting it out. What you've said here does describe my approach to work, much to the irritation of people in my life. I'm better at evening out the productivity, now, but it's taken a looooong time, and I never understood why it was such a challenge. Or why it felt like I had to suspend my personality in order to keep life moving forward. Only when I saw your video did it occur to me that the hyper-focus I find so enjoyable might be from ASD. When you describe feeling exhausted later, and the disorienting impact of having an event of your calendar, I understood how these familiar experiences *could* all be related to ASD. I don't know if the science will back it up, but it seems very possible that you're right.
I also love the intense work and then intense rest!! ❤ As a person working for an agency, outside of myself…This is not something they could understand. I’m hopeful someday I can work for myself and be able to manage my own productivity on a scale that was made for me! 😍
What really caught my attention is when you called it a "Cosmic Force." I can fight it, but I can't stop it. When I hit my limit, I melt down or turn to stone. No choice. It's a Fact of my biology.
man, this video made me feel so much better about my own uneven productivity, thank you so much ;_; back when i was 18-19, i'd be at my tablet pretty much from sundown to sunrise. i was so immersed in my art that i'd put off eating, restroom/stretch breaks, & even sleep, in many cases. but i didn't care about the consequences of that, being relatively young & feeling immortal, lol ... and then realizing that said consequences of denying yourself your basic needs inevitably catch up with you as you get older >_< i'm 27 now, & whether i can make progress with my art studies & other interests (or anything, really) on any given day ultimately comes down to a roll of the dice. one day, i'll have spent the whole day studying/creating, happy with my progress. the next? i can barely manage one loose sketch, & i always felt so guilty for that. "this isn't how the real world works - you need to overcome this ASAP if you want to stand any chance of doing this as a job," i'd tell myself. basically scolding myself for Not Measuring Up every single time i fell short of my own expectations, which get harder & harder to consistently reach when you feel compelled keep raising the bar to overcompensate for what productivity you've "lost" in the interim. it makes perfect sense that this process would end up working like a pendulum, in a way. at least pendulums always come around to swing in the direction it came from, & vice versa... hm. maybe some can be productive like the hands on a clock - always ticking at the same set speed. maybe others are productive like a pendulum - swinging slowly, but ultimately like clockwork. every once in awhile, something has to climb to the top & give that pendulum a gentle push to keep the momentum going, but it's not like that means it never moves at all. goodness, i gotta stop myself here, this video really got me musing! thank you so much for making it, the ideas & empathy you expressed with this topic really resonated with me. suddenly i don't feel so ashamed, anymore 💜
Thanks for this video Taylor, which came at just the right time. No such thing as coincidence.. Yesterday I had such a productive dat as a stay at home mom. Grocery shopping, cooking crockpot dinner, licking up my kids from school and social events. Everything went in a flow and almost effortless. Happy me all day, yeah that's ne. And today total wreck, mentally beating myself up for not being able to be as productive as I was yesterday. Not able to give my kids as much attention and dedication as I wish to. Thank you soooo much for this insight. Not my fault, no reason to feel guilty. It just my oneven productivity. Tomorrow is another day, now its time for rest and recharge my battery
At 63 I am dealing with acceptance of this. Looking back, I think that I always felt immense shame If I wasn’t perfect and on the flipside, I felt immense guilt if I needed to take care of myself. It was so confusing and I always felt I wasn’t good enough matter how hard I try. Overall, I ended up having a meltdown and needing to isolate and hide. Somehow I always got myself together and pulled off whatever I needed to do. 🤯🤮🙏🏻
Thank you for this video! It helped me put my own experiences with this into words instead of just being a vague blur in my mind. That see-saw sort of effect of hyperfocusing followed by exhaustion. It makes so much more sense now
Than you so much for this video! I have never in my life come into contact with other people that struggle with this. And I always feel so guilty that I don't get work done as fast as I do when I'm in hyper focus mode. Especially since I've had coworkers tell me I'm good at my job. Anyway I'm glad to know I'm not the only one
omg I am so excited!! Your video jsut made my day :D not only do I resonate of course (recently diagnosed with HFA and ADHD) but I also thought of writing up guidebooks and lists for myself and my family and friends to follow and use in case of meltdowns and when travelling ect.! I have recently started working wiht and NGO that works with the autistic youth community locally too so I am super keen on sharing more of these useful resources. Thank you so much for being suh an inspiration! It makes all the difference knowing we are not alone :D
I thought this had to do with other factors in my life but this makes a lot sense to be bigger than those. I can usually physically rest when something is happening later and I've been learning to set alarms and get myself into a relax state mentally to help get what I can when I can. Been taking a lot of work on that though. Guilt thing is real. I'm getting better with that as well. We are just different and not wrong...100%!
Im not diagnosed with anything officially, but looking up a lot about ADHD and C-PTSD, and a lot relates there including what you discuss in this video. I got to start WFH in the pandemic, and it worked out better for me, since i had days of doing not much at all, but at leats i didnt have to pretend to work. Then the next day i'd be much more productive, and make up for the previous. I definitely still have to force myself to make deadlines, but its good to know im not just inherently lazy.
So relatable and so timely. I’ve had a very intense week of work where I felt I had to be very “on” and threw myself into it full force. At the end of a particularly draining day (lots of phone calls and e-mails 💀), I was just zoning out on the couch and looking absolutely shell-shocked, and my fiancé asked what I needed to relax. I said “I guess like…to go into a sensory deprivation chamber for a week?” 😂 I also feel I have been starting to come to terms with this cycle more and appreciating the good that comes from it. I love the feeling of getting into that productivity black hole, especially when it’s something I’m really passionate and excited about. The problems I still struggle with are 1. communicating my needs to others without feeling guilty/selfish/inferior/etc. and 2. figuring out how to not spend a disproportionate amount of time on some things that might excite me a lot but not really be that “important”; time management in general. If I’m in a productivity black hole for a whole day, and I need a whole day to recover, then it’s hard to find time to do the in-between things, i.e. cooking, cleaning, running errands (all of which I actually enjoy doing but take time away from much needed rest time). I feel like I’m constantly out of sync with the way that time works for everyone else.
I don't know anything about this "uneven productivity" concept other than what I've heard described in this video. But I don't think it's exclusively related to autism. It seems to describe what happens to many people with or without any autism. I experience it myself, sometimes, so do some of the people I know. Maybe it's just anxiety. Maybe it's just what happens when you don't pace yourself. I don't know. But I find the pattern easy to break when I actively shift some of my focus away from the task at hand, when I mentally step away from the moment and towards things I'm looking forward to doing later. It's not that I don't "enjoy" extreme focus or extreme rest, exactly ... it's that I enjoy sustaining a "normal" balance more. I've learned that this approach actually increases the quality of my productivity and of my rest, overall. It gives my mind a chance to refresh, to re-evaluate what I'm doing (and what I'm going to be doing), to stimulate creativity, to obtain new perspectives. Other people have noticed, commenting I'm easier to be around when I'm not so "intense".
I’m not autistic, but I do have OCD and I relate to the concept of autistic inertia so much. I remember reading that autism’s repetitive behaviors are genetically separable from social cues processing difficulties. I definitely don’t have difficulty socializing, but I wonder whether I’ve inherited some of the genes linked to repetitive behaviors which manifest in my OCD.
Yep, I can be a clean freak one week/day/hour…and yet, the basket of laundry that has been sitting for a good week is literally laughing at me and calling me a slob lol. Also, I the time where my kids are at school and it’s myself and the baby is precious to me. If an appointment is on one of those days, I feel like the day is wasted. I’m really struggling with the lack of alone time or down time with 3 kids now. It’s turned me into such a grumpy mom. Pregnant with this last baby, I was on point all the time, but now that he’s 1, it’s frustrating. My husband doesn’t understand or really care tbh. I end up staying up late to get my alone time in. And I’m a fan of being weird too…I’m pretty well versed in doing so ✌️❤️
For awhile before using the term Autism spectrum and others in mental illness/depression/feeling unproductive i tell myself and others to make a list of HAVE DONES instead of the TO DO. No matter how small write it down. You got up. You ate. You brushed your teeth. Etc. I always would get told later by others that it helped them a lot. I like the term youuse here. I can not have appts more than 2 days together, and then i need to decompress for at least a day. I cannot work either because i would never sleep. My mind would be on work when i am at home, then right after work i have to process the day and unwind and would not have time to sleep before the next days work again cycling. Thankfully i do not got kids. Years ago i managed to care for 4 nephews on the spectrum, adhd, bipolar etc.... 4 boys 5, 4, 3, 1. I had them for 5 years. No way i could do it now. I also cannot have appts early in the day cause by time i fall asleep it is anywhere between hours of 3-7am. I tell people they can put me down, but no promises. I have called last min to cancel because i could not wake up. I just learned to roll with it. As long as i am sleeping i am good. If i go more than 2 ½ day not sleeping i decline mentally, emotionally and physically.
I'm wondering if you ever looked into your Human Design chart. It really really helped me to understand why my energy is this way. It's the same as yours. I'm curious if you're a Projector or Manifestor. That would explain it and it's way better to accept yourself as you are. I would love to talk to you more. I just finished up a life coach certification and I'm trying to figure out my direction. Btw. I LOVE yoga with Adriene! I started watching her in 2014! 😁 I love your videos! Thank you so much for sharing yourself with us. ❤️
great topic, I have Autism, and am the male of the species, so I get this!, but to analogise it for others, it is like a steam train, if the fire gets too hot, or the water too low, you need to shut the doors, and cool the fire down (otherwise you have a bomb on your hands- in 'our case' a meltdown;aka a cronic exposure to triggering events); this 'slow time' allows our computers' battery to recharge, so we (the fireman in the steam loco example), can manage the fire effectively and safely; if on the other hand we have a long 'zen' activity, where we lose track of time, the battery goes down, and our 'fuel load' of coal, so we need a 'stop off at the depot to refuel'- if we don't, this in and of itself is a trigger (lack of energy, also read in, ability to control the ship{fatigue of drivers/pilots}), so like a computer, too much data (the slow build up of it after weeks or days), our brains say we have had enough, so it 're-boots', this is the "shutdown" minimal systems active, so no communication, etc. this minimises inputs, so we can recharge, like taking a pressure cooker off the stove. THIS IS MANDATORY for our own good, not to be defeated by others! the only tip is to minimise the obtuse exposure (shutdowns), we can have food (chocolate, coffee, ice-cream), listen to music, or do the 'calming activity', this lowers inputs, adds calming safe motions (stimming), which all, as the singer John Farnam said in a song, "keeps the pressure down"; it effectively releases this pressure, allowing us to accumulate more, before anything happens, and allows us to do our daily things.
This applies to neroripical persons too but the diference is that they reach mental fatigue to zoom out after tasks very difficult and long and I get exhausted much easier in common social interaction and I need to zoom out for a couple of minutes or more to rest and they are not able to understand why I am so tired.
Well yes, i also love being in this "black hole productivity" but i can handle this about once a week, and it will be a "mild" black hole, if you get what i mean, And if i'm lucky once per month i will have a pretty good day, But im burned after a few hours, 3 to 4 hours at most, and on the mild days it will be 1 to 2 hours max. so if you think that i can only handle them once to two times per week, it sucks. i do get some things done, but not enough to even keep my house (or myself) clean, and i don't even have work. and on the days i need rest i just can not get rest, because i can not let go that there are still things that i have not done, and the stress and bad feelings towards myself because im so weak etc will also not help me get rest. So yes i absolutely love having these black hole productivity hours, but i wish i could just have them everyday, or every other day would also be good. I've known this about myself for a long time, and i call them good and bad days, also because the days are so random, i never know when i will have a good day or bad day, so planning things is awfull, because i have to cancel everything when i have a bad day, and i have a lot of bad days..
Question , ( related to the intermittent productivity etc) Anyone else run into the situation where you... advocate for getting services and case management for self & family members on the spectrum ... so as to have help with organizing & skills/ tools & assistance navigating the sea of offices , agencies & lifes important things.... Only to feel like you have jumped from the frying pan into the fire . Meaning, the sheer amount of time and effort expended on navigating all these supposed " needed services " plus the meetings with the folks supposed to be of benefit within this , becomes an exponential stress / drain on you and autistic family members ? Apologies for long wording , converting mental pictures to concise wording , can get messy .
Yes yes yes 💯 there are many times I won’t even bother with something bc the process is too overwhelming. Or i will just do things myself rather than ask for help bc the social element of it is too daunting.
Okay but like... how do I explain to my boss why some days I'm SUPER PRODUCTIVE and some days I get literally nothing done? I'm doing more than anyone else in my office, but he doesn't understand why I can't be super efficient every day...
I'm not diagnosed yet, I have my first appointment next week. But I wonder if this is why I've been feeling kinda off all week. I was so productive on Monday getting lots done and since then I've felt so tired and kinda lost, not wanting to do anything but rest... 🤔
How do you even balance work-life with this trait? I got a late diagnosis and used to get by decently in school thanks to my other strengths, however when at work I keep finding that the expectation is always consistency and predictability, I guess I can understand why, but that appears to be explicitly anti-human to me, not to mention anti-ND!
I call it hyper focus, when I was in my 20s I could do the 5 days of 10 to 12 hour days, and get a lot of stuff done. When I left that job they had to hire 3 people to do the work I did by myself. However, it took a hit on my health. Constant meltdowns toward the end and a witch of a boss. I would spend the weekends sleeping and not doing much of anything. I was young, single and basically my life was work for a time.
i can totally relate to what you're saying about working so hard when you were younger. When I left a job, I did a write up for how to train the next person, and realized I had taken on so much work that I was doing 3-5 other people's jobs. I was young and still didn't register the implications of that - over time, now that I'm older, I look back and think, "how did I let it get to that point?" But dang I worked hard and got a TON of stuff done.
@@MomontheSpectrum "how did I let it get to that point?" I think you already answered that question: "I was young and still didn't register the implications of that." Or am I missing something?
Yes so much yes I relate. I can do the work of 3 and after I have to rest, take time out. So, on average I still do work for 2. But when focussing on the time out the accomplishments don't get celebrated, by me or others. It is only: you could do so and so and now you can't do anything? I am so glad to find this recognition on the web (and in your video's).
@thegreenmachine well I can still not register the implications of stuff like that at an advanced age, LOL! But I always specialized in obliviousness. An especially demanding job I took about 10 years ago really did a number on my health. A lot of it had to do with the obsessive interest phase, which lasted about 5 years. It was all I did or thought about, and I remember being proud of outlasting a coworker half my age on one of the death march trips. When my ADHD decided it was time to move on, and the job stopped being my obsession, the work got more and more brutal.
Perhaps another way to describe this series of events is as a “supernova of productivity” followed by a “black hole of consolidation and recovery”. In nature, a supernova, which is the explosion of the outer layers of a star, often precedes the collapse of the stars core into a black hole. Production is outwardly directed energy and recovery requires energy to be pulled inward. Just the thoughts of a science nerd…
I literally mentioned this to a friend today. Uneven productivity is the reason why I wanted to work remotely and considering what you were saying about being a mother and never been "off", it is one of the big reasons why I do not want to have kids. It is a responsibility that has no off days and that scares the shit out of me. I want to accept my natural cycle without having to apologise for it or feel guilty about it too much.
Same here. I have 2 nephews and when they're home with me, my mom and their dad I find monitoring them to be exhausting. Everyone else doesn't seem to be phased by it. Maybe it's my hyperfocusing but one thing I DO know is I feel drained. It's also why I'm studying Software Engineering so that I can work remotely and not have to deal with office politics and having to consistent constantly.
I knew I didn't want children as teenager, and that's never changed. I didn't know I was on the spectrum until last year. I'm 58. I knew I was different, but I didn't know that so many others were different in the same ways as me. All I knew was it was incredibly difficult to keep myself and my life together, and that bringing children into it would be irreseponsible of me. Some people, including romantic partners and therapists shamed me for that. Said I was selfish or immature or whatever. But I knew having children would be a disaster for them and for me, so I never had them, and have no regrets about that. Autism isn't the problem. Ignorance, intollerance, bigotry and bullying and pressure to conform are the problem. A society that accepts, accomdates and supports autistic people will be a better society for everyone. It will be more tolerant, loving, and creative. It will celebrate the rich variety of human conciousness and expression rather than attempting to force everyone into the same ugly, cruel, noisy box full of flashing lights, beeping alarms, sirens, obnoxious motorized garden torture devices, and vain, greedy, superficial power hungry social bullies. I'll remain childless and isolated on my boat with my passions and interests. Instead of trying to steal cheese from the social rat-trap like I did for almost half a century before the resulting anxiety and depression nearlt ended me. Seriously: No thanks. It doesn't work for me. Judging by the looks on the faces of most people as they go off to steal their daily rat-trap cheese, it doesn't work for them either. That's what needs to change. Not my attitude towards sexual self replication, lol
@@TheWilliamHoganExperience Damn, I couldn't agree more with you! The third paragraph, when you started listing the models that we are forced to, gave me a headache just to read. About having children: I also have the mindset that a lot of people are just not meant to be parents, and that should be okay! It's better to not put a child in the world, then to do so and be a shitty parent. And I think I would be a shitty parent, to be honest. How could I not, when loud noises and especially high pitch sounds physically hurt me to the point of not being capable of continuing to even walk for a few seconds after the sound is gone? Children are constantly screeching to their full lungs! What you mention about isolating yourself also resonates a lot with me. I am friends with my former therapist and sometimes we discuss philosophical or functioning topics. When I tell her that society is too toxic and I would live much better and have a much richer life in isolation, she considers that Im taking an easy way out, to avoid challenges. I know she means well, but there are so many challenges out there, why would I need to put myself through the ones I feel incapable of handling, or hurt me so much, or that my empathy makes me die inside by seeing how many people are doing things that are just purely bad for them, only because they need something to numb the pain of, as you call it, suffering from their pursue of the "daily rat-rap cheese".
@@ravingcuriosity6345 12 years before I knew I was autistic, I read a long multi-part article in LA Times about autism. and it really upset me. Not autism itself, but the way it was framed as pathological. They invertented this fictional boy who was in his own world, and who loved to stare at the sky and line up his toys. He wasn't interested in people - just nature and other things he was interested in. THIS was framed as a "tragic". It enraged me! I thought to myself "So what? - Let that boy stare at the sky all day while he lines up his toys. Just make sure he's not staring at the sun. And if he wants to do THAT, get him some welding goggles..." I didn't know I was autistic, but I knew I was different, and that people and society weren't safe for me. I'd just washed out of a 15 year academic teaching career due to typical neurotypical f*kery. This was after spending 15 years becoming a lisenced architect, and finding that profession just as horrible for me. So I bought a 20' sailboat, and equiped it for crossing oceans. I moved aboard it. Then I sold or gave away literally everything that I didn't need for sailing away: My home, my car and all my funiture all were liquidated or donated to charity. I burned what was left over on the beach. At that point I'd been trying to be "normal" and do what society expected and wanted from me for 46 years. It simply didn't work. I'm 57 now, and I still live aboard a sailboat. I live off my teaching pension now, and perform music because I love it, not to survive. I'm happy now, but it wasn't easy getting here. Trying to conform almost killed me. I was so anxious and depressed and confused and hopeless that suicide started looming larger and larger in my mind, like a bad song I couldn't get out of my head. In 2018, in desperation, I tried Ketamine infusion theraphy, and that saved me. The depression and anxiety and sucidal thoughts vanished. My autism diagnosis came in 2022. What a relief! Everything suddenly made sense. The more I dug into it, the more I realized that autism is a GIFT that triggers FEAR and RESENTMENT in many nuerotypical people, and that's what makes social interactions so difficult. Missing social cues and taking people at their word makes matters worse. But we can't help that anymore than a blind person can help not being able to see. The difference is that thier deficit is obvious, and it's shameful to bully them over it. Not so with the autistic. The word itself is often used as an insult in popular culture. My response is to disclose my autism and to educate people about autism generally, and how it impacts me specifically. Without my super sensitive hearing, love of repetition, echolalia, and love of routine, I wouldn't be a professional muscian now. It was following my passion for music that led me to start playing when I was 51 - an old man picking up a guitar and teaching himself to play it while singing his favorite songs. All alone on his boat for 5 years. Every single day without fail, for hours and hours and hours before having the chops and courage to start playing with other musicians and ultimately performing solo. ...and I loved every minute of it. That's all there is to "treating" autism: It's not about acceptance - it's about embracing it as the gift it is. No matter what. Anything else as Radiohead's "No Surprises" says, is: "...a job that slowly kills you..." and "...wounds that will not heal..." So lean into your autism.
It's really cool to hear how what I've always called my "cluster work style" is potentially related to my autism, and not just a 'strange and inefficient' work ethic. It's admittedly difficult in grad school now, where the work is endless yet I never know until I wake up each day whether it will be a cluster work or cluster rest day. It's really nice to hear others' experiences with this!!
I have this pattern of fluctuating productivity, too! I hate the guilt-cycle that came with it and am slowly working towards radical self-acceptance there. two inputs I got from other people on the matter I want to share: 1) a guy in uni once told me „as long as you get stuff done in time, why care how/when you got there? done is done. 2) when I complained to my husband about one such uneaven productivity cycle he made me list off all the things I did that week, gave me a strange look and pointed out that while being in hyperfocus I got more done than any reasonable person could expect (or do themselves)… lesson ftom both encounters: the cycles of inertia and productivity are just a different way of doing things and when interacting with the nt world around us it‘s okay to ask gor acceptance of our way of doing things if the end result is unaffected.
@@mortenle I just read up on the symptoms of a manic phase in bpd and I donˋt think it resembles the „black hole“ as taylor describes it at all. Maybe on an extremly superficial level in that I feel very driven to do something/be productive. But other than that - nope. I find the concept of hyperfocus far more acurat. I get however that when described to others it might seem similar and even that it might have led to some misdiagnoses in the past, especially since many high-masking autists also deal with depression. Also, this is not a diagnostic criterium for autism and might also happen as a result of overlapping adhd/asd/giftedness more so than asd alone - so if you do not experience this or it feels different for you, please do not let this irritate you. We‘re not all the same and that‘s just fine!
The high-productivity day for me was yesterday. Then at like 5:30 pm, I was like, "Oh no, I am all out of spoons!" But I still had to chase my little son (who is autistic also and a very busy boy). He was wired and I was tired; consequently, I think he ate a bar of soap. I was exhausted. He's okay this morning. I survived by going straight to bed after putting my kids down. I think I'll call my son Bubbles now.
This video is exactly what I needed!! Two days ago I had the most productive day and I just didn't want it to end, I LOVED it and felt so so proud. Yesterday I couldn't get anything done. Didn't shower, eat, etc. When my fiancé got home he said I shouldn't be hard on myself, this is how it works for me (I got diagnosed with autism at the age of 7, so we know). I could barely accept it though, because I felt so frustrated and lazy. So this video came at the right time, thank you! Just like he said, I shouldn't be so hard on myself. And thank you all for the comments too, definitely made me feel less alone ❤🤗
So glad you brought this up Taylor. I resonate with this immediately. The trap I constantly fall into is that I will feel great and motivated on productive days and I will plan future productive days thinking that I should be able to maintain this momentum that feels so good and so easy in the moment. And then the next few days come and I'm inexplicably burnt out and unable to do any of my plans no matter how much I wanted to. My hope is that knowing this is a thing that is probably true of me will help me have more acceptance of how I operate and to not plan for continued productivity in the first place. I need to accept that with great productivity will come a period of great rest.
I totally do this too. It’s like every time I have a few good productive and positive days I completely forget that for my whole life is two steps forward and one back. I then beat myself up thru the whole recovery period for being an idiot 😵
I'm diagnosed as ADHD, just finished ADHD coach school, consider myself very knowledgeable on all things ADHD, and I'm perceptive in areas that I am self aware. But it wasn't until I surrounded myself with 17 other ADHD coaches-in-training that also have ADHD, that I finally fully accepted that I am also autistic (an idea I played with for years). I am very similar to my other ADHD friends and classmates, however I always felt different with the people I felt such connection with. It's hard to tease out what is ADHD hyperfocus and what is ADHD plus autism hyperfocus. It's really the thoroughness in which I dive into and fully submerge in that hyperfocus. And even when I become aware that I'm in that "zone", I just can't. It is a black hole that I want so fondly to be in. It is a fantasy world of details and wonderful things. But it is also a ball and chain that is so utterly exhausting and has held me back in so many many times in life. It's inflexible preservative cognition combined with utmost passion and the inability to see the forest for the trees. Sometimes I see the forest, the bigger picture, but I'm still so hung up on the trees. I want to see every tree. I NEED to see every tree. Thank you for this TH-cam video, you explained autism inertia so well. It was a concept I didn't know about until now. Also, thank you for being a part of the reason why I can fully accept my autism suspicion that I had for years. You show what it's like to be seemingly normal...but not. It is indeed in a spectrum and the world needs to see that.
I have frequently had to ask myself why I have just spent 2 weeks researching the pros and cons of widget A and Widget B without asking myself if I really need a widget. Studying is a nightmare. I follow an endless network of ancillary links because I have this infuriating inability to just scratch the surface of anything.
This. All of this. I have literally tried to explain this to my husband using almost these exact same words: "Sometimes I see the forest, the bigger picture, but I'm still so hung up on the trees. I want to see every tree. I NEED to see every tree." Yes. I always try to explain it like I can zoom out and see the whole forest and then zoom in and see every tree and blade of grass. Once I zoom in though, it takes forever to zoom out again because I need to see everything, leave no stone unturned (as they say). I thought I was the only one. 😭
I relate so much to this comment. Grocery shopping is challenging because I have to compare every single option of ice cream and cracker in case they have added more options or the prices have changed. People say why can’t you just go in and grab what you need…. Sorry I have to look at every tree!
Yes!!!! For me to avoid feeling totally overwhelmed and exhausted I’ve found what works best for me is one day of “normalling” followed by one day of “caving” where I stay in bed all day with the blockout curtains drawn, windows closed, AC on and zero interaction with any other humans. It seems extreme but it’s the only way I can function!
I'd love to be able to do this, but how do you manage this schedule with real life? I feel like with two small kids, a job, and a husband, there is no way I can incorporate this schedule. Truly curious?
@@sunnyaz1508 not 100% solution but perhaps do like we do at home, take turns and have backup of big food batches we make two to three times a week plus get takeout and get a cleaning service.
@SunnyAz yes it wasn't possible when I was working or when my kids were young so my meltdowns were way more frequent then. After suffering a complete mental and physical breakdown a few years ago I knew if I didn't completely change my life, it would probably kill me, so a lot has changed for me but the increase in inner peace was worth everything I lost.
@@lisawanderess what changes did you make? And how old were your kids when it became easier in regards to being an autistic parent (not a general patent)? I am now realizing I need to make drastic changes, but I have a hard time figure out what and how. I feel very stuck with the way society functions and also feel the responsibility towards by kids and husband to keep somewhat a normal life. But it is costing me myself.
Honestly I would love to get back to uneven productivity, as annoying and exhausting as it can be sometimes. This is totally how I used to be throughout my life. In the last few years due to massive burnout it's devolved into barely existent productivity which is far worse. I would take the uneven kind any day over feeling like I can't do anything anymore.
You are not the only one, that's my story too. Living on adrenaline caught up with me at last. I'm doing a smidge better than I was, but if I try to push it at all I crash fast.
I feel you so bad. After losing my extremely high maintenance geriatric pets (that had me giving meds every 2-3 hours from 6am until midnight every day for the entirety of last year) and all that's left to me is freeloading off mentally abusive relatives who don't accept that I can't act like that all my life, I've reached a state where sometimes I stay awake until 8am, unable to sleep at all, or crash for 16 hours a day, or eat instant noodles after 14h of starving myself because I don't wanna face anyone or leave my bed. If I make it through this, I'll consider myself a literal survivor, because it feels like I'm slowly dying. If I'm lucky I can get some intense drawing or writing in between, but not without a break of several days. I can't even get myself to reply emails... I worry about my future. I need a job, but I don't feel like I can work in this state. If by any miracle I do get in, I'll probably get fired as soon as they realize my pattern....
@@t.k.5088 I have an idea how you feel, I hit bottom in 2020-21. Life is still a struggle at times, but it is so much better than it was then, which at the time my amygdala assured me could never happen. I wish you the best, and I'll offer this thought, based on my own experience: no matter how tough things get, I suspect your amygdala is making them seem even worse than they are. When I was finally able to convince my cortex that my amygdala was lying to me, it was a big step forward. (tbh, I needed help from an antidepressant to do it.) Sending you good thoughts. I didn't believe my life could ever improve, but it did.
Oh man, I related to this video so much. It's been so cathartic to be able to have a name for these feelings I've felt my whole life. I just turned 32 and I feel like I have just started to truly understand myself. I've never felt so related to or "seen" in my life, and I never even knew I needed that. Thanks for doing these videos!
"It's been so cathartic to be able to have a name for these feelings I've felt my whole life." When I learned recently that I might be "neurodiverse," I actually laughed, because it made so much sense. (The professional who gently raised the subject was not expecting that response.)
“Scientifically scientific”. I love it. I have suffered from sporadic productivity my whole professional life. I go from periods of intense productivity to periods where I can only function at a minimal level.
This describes me to a T! I retired 4 years ago after total burnout and couldn't do anything for 6 months. 2 years ago I realized, at age 72, that I'm autistic and my life started to make sense. I struggle with inertia and know I can be very focused and active at times, and inertia was making me feel guilty and lazy. The idea of uneven productivity makes so much sense. Thanks for the insight.
I'm going to turn 70 in early February. My daughter is 40. I am divorced. Once was a Special Ed teacher, couldn't do it full time. I figured around age 45 that I was probably Aspie. At age 53 a few scientists in Boulder, CO defined the term divergent for me. I sparked right up, and said that sounds like me. And they smiled and said, yes, your divergent. But the word Autism wasn't spoken. This was maybe 2003.
@@joycecz I'm about a year younger than you. I am still trying to figure out how to get a diagnosis. Not sure about the area I live in having the best resources, but I will find it if there are any. I think knowing has empowered you.
I too had a late diagnosis, I was born with Asperger's, and it was truly cathartic for me. I told the doctor who had a PhD that "the dots connected!" I am fortunate to have a wonderful therapist who specializes in autistic spectrum disorder and recommended trying to find one then perhaps they can give you the right resources to get the proper diagnosis.
I am navigating my own late diagnosis (58) and burnout recovery. I have used sensory deprivation as a term for a space I needed to be away from the world to create original ideas and to nurture myself. What you pointed out is so relevant right now especially the working 5 days in a row thing. My self diagnosis means I no longer have to compare myself to neurotypicals. The community is so driven by compassion. This vid made me cry. Thank you.
I was also diagnosed at 62. It's really helped, I no longer feel stupid or that I'm a bad person for finding people difficult. Just wish there was support counselling etc, there isn't 😕 No funding for it.
Yvette, I am working on a book on late diagnosed women, would love to have your story for it. I was diagnosed at 57 and am also recovering from the severe burnout that led to my diagnosis. I feel that having several stories together will have more if an impact.
This very much describes my problem at the mo. I'm in the IT industry,I'm very good at my job and get loads done in a short period.....but only if I'm left alone with zero interaction. These bursts last a short period, sometimes just a few hours, then it can be days or weeks of just not being able to start or work on anything meaningful, it's just too exhausting and unpleasant
Similar experience. I have exchanged several companies in recent two decades so I know it is related to motivation. What project, how is it managed and what colleagues. After all that years I am considering found my own IT company which will be exactly friendly to neurodivergent people so we can be happy and productive as much as possible.
YES! When I worked office jobs (which thankfully I no longer have to do), I wanted to be left *absolutely alone* to do my work. I could accomplish more in less time than just about anyone -- just *leave me alone* to do it. I especially struggled when someone would come to my desk and hover over my shoulder -- nope!!! I couldn't even type my name correctly with someone standing over me.
Same here. I am a freelance copywriter and webdesigner and I have to be at home alone with my dog to be able to work. Then I am in hyperfocus most of the time while working. Sometimes I work 2 or 4 hours, sometimes 10 hours. Als after some very productive hours or days I don't work for a day or two. That's the only way I can work. Not for somebody who tells me where, what and at what time I have to do stuff. Only I know how I feel today and in this moment.
@@kj3d812Exactly. I can only work at home as a freelancer. No people, no meetings (not even online), no phone calls and if someone would ring my doorbell I would just ignore it (which is easy with noise cancelling headphones on). I need to be alone with my dog and silence to work.
One of the most relatable things I've seen. Black hole productivity, black hole rest. This is exactly what I need, and basically no one seems to understand. I also like the black hole, but it's also not very sustainable, but it's one of the places I get the most joy,and feel the most expressive and the most me, but it gets in the way of other life things and responsibilities. I wish my job and life circumstances allowed me to do it more.
you are one of several people who has spoken of the joy it brings you to be in the black hole. This is a great point and something I really get from that space, too. One of the times I am the happiest, for sure, is in my black hole!
I love putting my whole being into what I’m doing but it is exhausting so we have to be careful to take care of ourselves. To me it’s important to have boundaries and realize in order to do what I love that I also need to rest.
You totally nailed it with the feeling of guilt. I would totally feel that way when I was still working as a full time SPED teacher. I was basically non-functional after work and felt like a horrible wife and mom. Now, since I get to work from home, I have days that are incredibly productive followed by days of recovery, and I’m accepting that 😊
^Agreed. Just gonna say, your name, " Sparkling Spectrumite", is brilliant! ( Was it by chance a variation on, "neurosparkly", which might be a different way of saying neurodivergent for some?
@@sparklingspectrumite It's a "gem", as they say. I like the thought process, too. To me, it sounds like a beautiful iridescent discovery rising from a cave floor, ( stalagmite : )
The video really resonates with me. I had never connected my fluctuating productivity with my Asperger’s, but that totally makes sense. I tend to work incredibly hard 3-4 days a week and be very burnt out that other 1-2 days of the week. My bosses are still amazed at how productive I can be when I’m in the zone. In college I wrote my 80-page undergraduate thesis in about 2 weeks after barely getting a page written in the prior 10 months. 😂 Once I got started, there was no stopping until it was done.
I am resonating with so much of your channel. Not sure if I’m on the spectrum, but this is exactly how I work. If I even need to go out to grab food on a rest day, I feel like I didn’t rest at all.
I spent the morning plastered to the couch. I got a lot done yesterday and my mom visited. This made me feel better as I felt like I was being so lazy. Great topic! 💞
This definitely resonates with me. I was very much like this in my younger years. The thing is, now I feel like it's so hard to be black hole productive. Even my special interests tire me out quickly. I always feel like I need rest but I never feel like I can get it because I'm a husband to an ADHD wife and father to an ADHD and most likely Autistic daughter who don't let me rest for any length of time. Sometimes I feel like Oliver Twist asking ' "Please, sir, I want some more"... spoons'.
"please sir, I want some more spoons" oh my goodness, love this. Sounds like you are in a long period of shutdown. I hope you are able to find some moments for yourself. Thanks for your comment.
I discovered I was on the spectrum last year at 58 when I had a severe meltdown from too many changes to my schedule by committee work. I shut down for weeks which luckily included spring break. when the semester ended, I stopped and mostly stayed in bed for 4 months--but it wasn't even close to enough rest after 58 years of masking. You may have to ask your wife and kid for more space, but it's hard...
I've was thinking the same listening to this, I lost my blackhole abilities, totally burned out for years. I've recently discovered sensory deprivation floats and for me it is like concentrated rest, I just wish it was cheaper I'd do it every day if I could. Meditation has done similar in the past but I can't tolerate it at this time in my life (ADHD+grief).
I love my black hole. It is the thing that I’m good at that recharges my sense of purpose even though it drains my tolerance to other stimuli. I also struggle with guilt daily. I feel like you made this video just for me. Thanks Taylor.
At age 62 I’ve diagnosed myself as high functioning Autistic and your podcasts explain so much of my confusion in my teens and adult life. Thank you so much for sharing your journey with us, which helps us like the way for ourselves.
I became self-employed and plan myself times throughout the week, when I can jump into my rabbit holes plus days to recover, to do self-care. That seems to work and helps me with not feeling guilty.
so glad to hear this. I think self-employment might be beneficial for many people on the spectrum...but the executive functioning challenging can make planning and managing oneself a big stressful.
@@MomontheSpectrum Yes, that's right, I struggle with that, too. But being self-employed I'm only angry with myself and don't have an angry boss "on top", what would lead me to melt downs or break downs.
I find everyday after work I’m exhausted and just have to shut down because if I don’t I end up in a lot of physical pain and cannot think with a clear thought. I will even start saying things that make absolutely no sense. And I also find that I lose my temper a lot easier too when I don’t just shut down after work.
Being late diagnosed I wasn’t taught any skills to manage my autism. I didn’t learn to recognise the early signs that I’m struggling. So I was pushed to keep going until I basically collapsed. The only time people stopped pushing me to keep going/coping was when I was stuck in bed exhausted or admitted to hospital with severe burnout/catatonic (misdiagnosed as severe depression/mental health crisis). I now have to learn to recognise what my body actually needs after 42yrs of being told to ignore every signal from my body and mind. I may learn a little but I’m not going to get to the point where this pattern disappears. I imagine this is why this is possibly more common in late diagnosed/high masking autistics, and why life just gets harder for us as we age.
Thanks for sharing your experience here. It makes me happy to know that you are learning how to listen to your body. Such an important skill at any age. 💜
Thank you for sharing your experience. I'm 67 and late knowledge of ASD, and have had a mostly long, hard, complicated, difficult, painful and traumatic life. I have done a LOT of hard work on myself in the ongoing fallout. I agree it is getting harder and I still struggle a lot daily. I keep trying though, because I decided to keep living and not leave my grandchildren. I'm trying to be softer with myself but it is not easy after a lifetime of pushing myself to the outer limits. 🙏
Yeah. Psyching myself up to do things, yes, familiar. Recovery time has become part of life. It drives my husband crazy because he’s ADHD and was raised by terrible people who taught him to be responsible by forcing him and his brother to so all the housework and babysitting and errands and basically doing almost nothing for him themselves. So he’s a workaholic and has always had a wicked sharp memory and just doesn’t understand the type of Autism/ADHD that I and a couple of our kids deal with. They have a school diagnosis and I have no diagnosis but I think if we all had clinical diagnoses he still would say things like, “Sometimes I think all these things are just names they put on people who are just quirky.” Yeah, honey… that’s why I can’t stand eye contact (I even have to turn magazines over), have no filters, have to drive around screaming after social events, peel my lip until it bleeds, make whistling sounds in my throat and rub my hands constantly to deal with stress, and jerk my head to the side until my neck aches because one eye feels different than the other and I want to even them out… among other things. Because I’m quirky. There you go. Not saying I’m not quirky but dang. So trying to convince this go-getter that I have a terrible time getting to bed because it’s hard to stop what I’m doing… yeah. He doesn’t give me a hard time about it, we got mutual love and respect here, but I wish he understood and he just doesn’t.
"So i just wanted to say 'maybe that is your nature and that's okay'". THANK YOU!!! This is EXACTLY what I needed to hear today. I, too, like the black hole of productivity. I don't want to fix it, I just want to learn how to ride the natural rhythms.
I definitely feel this. I don’t know how I was ever a nurse in the hospital. I would get so burnt out in those 3 days I worked and would need a day to recover. Now I do less than that but get into these black holes for a day working at home and then need a whole day to recover. But yes so much self judgement around it. I think figuring out that my brain works differently than others is really helping me understand and accept myself more. I have traits of asd and adhd.
And really, I’d start to feel more like myself after my 4 days off and then would have to go right back to it again. I started having migraines after every shift.
This is a topic I've been really thinking a lot about lately. As someone that is coming out of burnout, I'm finding that doing my job is like like this lately. I've been more or less successful, lately, having good productivity at work until my pre-set stop time (I work full time from home), then I just stop everything and go into black hole-mode. This has been allowing me to detach, process and recuperate so I can do it all again the next day. It's like I'm scheduling and planning this black hole into my day so I don't do too much, and push myself back into the burnout cycle. The big difference for me, I'm letting myself do more nothing each day, so I can do more productive work later, and that's okay , I'm doing better that way.
Same here! It took Tay's video and decades of high productivity followed by burnouts to validate that I need to work and rest in cycles. I work in an office 9-6, a very analytical role and with significant interaction with others in meetings, calls, emails, etc. My day goes in cycles of hyper focus, superproductive slots of between 1- 3 hours. Then I jump off my chair and find a quiet space (ladies', walk out, coffee by my self; do nothing for 5-10 minutes). Lunch alone, find a booth in the canteen or go out to avoid people who want to talk to me :). By 5pm, my brain feels full, like a bucket with water about to burst. So unless there are meetings, I do light tasks or talk around with people; set appointments with myself with to do lists for next day but at all cost I avoid any solid work. Headphones on, out to walk and take the bus home. 5 days of this routine and on Saturday mornings my family knows that I stay in bed, with no interruptions, slowly wake up or do nothing until at least mid-day. This is my recovery which I cannot skip.
Would love a video on how this can affect friendships. I'm always waiting for the perfect time to call or visit with someone and it rarely comes. (Your not wanting to answer one email on an off day made me think of this.)
I feel this so deeply. Been this way for years and I attributed it to PTSD or fibromyalgia. When I was 17-18 I could go non-stop on 5 hours of sleep but after some serious trauma, years later still... I call it rest hard work hard play hard. I used to need a day or 2 to recover from 1 day doing errands in town. The day out is great I'm running on all cylinders then crash. I have always had that autistic super focus on a passion project I can spend hours on for days and years. When I crash I'm still needing craving to learn though, thanks TH-cam for that. I melt on couch Because I'm so literal fiction doesn't cut it I NEED to learn. I always feel bad and out of place because I can't function like others. The workforce doesn't understand the needs of people who are different. They aren't supposed to discriminate but the need to crash in order to be productive is something no employer understands but I can do 3x the work of the average person when I'm on a roll. I don't do good with distractions anymore either. I'd prefer to stock goods vs be a cashier because the overstimulation is a panic attack waiting to happen.
I’ve been dealing with this recently and feel the same…maybe it’s just my nature. I’ve been trying so hard to wake up early (at least by 8am) but I often get into a black hole of productivity late at night. I have a huge project I need to work on and literally CANNOT be balanced about it. I have to hype myself up and then work on it for hours at a time, I really can’t just work on it an hour here an hour there on a schedule. Makes it so hard to function in the real world, and even violates my own need for structure and order😂 Really don’t know what to do other than allow it to happen but try to be present enough to not let myself get too hungry/tired/etc while I’m in the black hole
ooh you bring up a good point that is important to talk about - yes, operating on this black hole non-schedule is really hard for the routine side of our brains. It is really hard for me. I would prefer a predictable order and structure but a lot of times it almost feels like self sabotage to lean into the black hole productivity. it's all very paradoxical and confusing.
The black hole productivity late at night because the distractions of the world have gone to bed and things are quiet. I so know this space and also struggle with the self imposed mandate of getting up "on time" to be at my desk by 9 after so many years of working corporate.
Autism has it's own rythm. Do the best you can to respect it. I used to be an architect. I would engage in long periods of intensely focused, creativive work followed by equally long periods of being shutdown . It was difficult, but I never missed a deadline, and always had time to recover while I was in school. The profession was different. It demanded constant productivity, and little creativity. It was a horrific grind under flashing flourescent lights in front of flashing CRT CAD screens. I was only able to manage for 7 hellish years before I utterly burned out, shut-down, and lost the abilty to perform even the most basic aspects of my profession. I had no idea I was autistic back in the 90s when this took place. Had I known I was autistic and what my support needs, sensory issues, and gifts were, I wouldn't have gone anywhere near the architecture profession. Instead, I gave it everything I had for a total of 15 years of school and work, only to wash out of it. But don't worry!!! Everything turned out GREAT! I'm 58 now, and was diagnosed as autistic last year. I've been playing music full-time now for 7 years with the same intensity I brought to my career as an architect. If you want to see what happens when an older autistic person finds a way to devote themself fully to their "special interest" for many years, check out my TH-cam channel. There you'll find my Magnum Opus: A 2 hour long concert film I made of a recent musical perfomance I gave at a local Farmer's Market. Here's a single I released from that film: th-cam.com/video/8wFnVlIdj7c/w-d-xo.html My own arrangement and interpretation of Radiohead's "How to Disappear Completely" - a song that perfectly expresses what I feel like when I'm shutting-down: "Strobe lights...and blown speakers... Fireworks, and hurricanes..... ...and I'm not here... This....isn't happening..." I'm guessing Tom Yorke is on the spectrum too. He's also one of the greatest artists of our time. Respect your autism, and it becomes a beautiful gift. Lean into it, and you'll find at least some peace and love and maybe - just maybe, acceptance and appreciation by others for it. That's what's happening to me. I'm so happy now that my autistic gifts are being reognized and are making other people happy too. Finally I feel like I'm connecting with ordinary people in a meaningful way. After feeling locked in and frozen out for so long. It's just so beautiful. For me music was the key to the lock. It might be something different for you. Or the same. It doesn't matter: Lean into it. Whatever it is. Whatever brings you the most joy as an autistic person. That is your gift.
This is exactly what I naturally do. Now I can stop feeling guilty about it/worrying something's wrong with me. Trying to be evenly productive just leads to burnout for me.
I'd rest more on my "burnout days" usually an extra 2-4 hours maybe longer. I have a schedule for the days where I'm "burned out" I do the bare minimum. I call them "maintenance days." I scheduled tasks to do everyday or every other day. Most of the time, I can do it and still rest.
It is so necessary for us to have our own literal community where we have our own businesses, housing schemes etc. I wouldn't wish this current experience we are having on the future generations of autistics.
This video nailed it for me! I’m trying to heal from burnout. I’m a public school teacher, it’s been a rough ride. I have huge dreams for my program. I love to get lost in my creative plans but the follow thru is so hard because I don’t get sufficient time to disengage from the teaching part and focus my energy on creation and changing (which is so hard!) I have been trying a lot of new things and I’m proud of myself for practicing response intervention and continuing to change things in response to my students reflections. Balancing being autistic and a teacher is such a trip man 😂😂😂😅 the black hole feels so nice. It’s blocking everything else out. It’s not even realizing I’ve needed to pee for five hours. I’ve been having to really practice body checks for tension and clenching during those moments. Phew. But I love that phrasing, having sensory deprivation. I keep using the word catatonia. Deep down, I don’t know why but I feel ashamed that catatonia feels so good. I get the best feeling of restfulness just staring at a wall. I feel like a nutjob (or honestly like the girl in the ring) but I could stare at the clock with my mouth open like I’m in one flew over the cookoo’s nest or something. It feels so nice tho to just zone out and let me brain process without me having to tune into that mess 😂 Thanks for all you do! Do you do scholarships/grants for the community meetings?
Yes, this resonates. And I also have mixed feelings about whether or not this uneven productivity is a good thing. When it comes to writing, I love it. I'll write and write and write and write and I'll have a blast. I feel good about myself and I feel good about my place in the world and it is AWESOME. But then I'll have these other times when I can't get myself to slow down and stop doing stuff but it feels like a weird fever and I don't like it. I'm thinking of this past Christmas Eve when I was go, go, go all day and I got everything done that I wanted to do but I also couldn't rest when the opportunity came -- I couldn't sit down even though I was tired. But I think I would have been all right if my middle child hadn't woken up at 2:20am on Christmas morning (if you can call it that) and basically removed all chance of getting a good night's sleep. And then I was pretty much unable to function on Christmas Day. So I think it is a mixed bag and maybe we just need to embrace it for the sake of the positive side.
Yes I agree with you SueAnne. Just learning to embrace it and whatever comes of it. But it is hard, and life has demands that can’t be avoided sometimes.
Great content! You can’t suppress it. Its like being a ware wolf transforming in front of your family and friends. Mood and sensory problems is also affected. My wife often notice it way before I do but I can’t balance My productivity and level of intense focus, it’s on or off. It feels like having super power for a few days before hangover takes over. Not all of life’s events fits this schedule.
@@MomontheSpectrum If full moon 🌕 occurs when I’m in the hyper mode I literally stay awake for days. Yes the guilt is deep - for being so selfish and not able to regulate, it’s hard on family.
Oh my!! This totally resonates. I spent yesterday rearranging my workroom and hoped to finish it today. Then, today, I just couldn't do anything. This happens all the time. I'm either busy all day or struggling to do the basics and feeling guilty for not getting anything done. I felt like I've been losing the plot. Sorry, I don't really have anyone to talk this through.
Tina, it's the same for me! I'm 71 and am just discovering what all my 'issues' mean. It's so comforting! I always plan to be busy every day and have felt I am a terrible manager of myself. This new understanding is lightening my guilt by leaps and bounds! What a gift to see ourselves in a better light!
I really appreciate the "This is my reality" approach of this video. I like put together, bulleted helpful videos too. But I relate more to this one today. Thank you for making these. :)
I'm 43 and in the spectrum. This happens to me not only with the way I work in my business but also in the way I exercise. I work out 3 times a week, and I mean hard, long sessions of heavy weightlifting and super in the zone, but then, for the rest of the time I don't want to get up from the couch. I feel lethargic, I don't even want to go out for a walk or anything, and I just feel exhausted. I just wish I could be more "even" with my energy and focus levels.
That's how I feel about ADHD too. It's not good for a 9 to 5 job, but my overall productivity / creativity over a week / month / year is fine. It's more about playing to your strengths rather than trying to fit into the NT world. I know not everyone has that luxury though.
Yes! Love it! Thank you for bringing this topic up. I call it my Boom-Bust cycle. And I agree getting curious instead of judgmental is key. I use to beat myself up for failing to get through my week. Now I like to approach each week like a scientist 👨🔬 Every 3 months I conduct an “experiment” and log my energy patterns for a week. I then take that data to map out my time each week. For example, Tuesdays is typically a BOOM day and Wednesday is typically a BUST day, so I try to schedule my creative work on Tues, and try not to schedule morning meetings on Wednesday. It’s not perfect, but it has been helpful. And it gives me a feeling of working with my AuDHD brain, instead of against it. Stay weird, and be well friends! 😊
⭐🎥Watch PART 2 Autism and Uneven Productivity: How to Adult th-cam.com/video/QL-JK9MRPxA/w-d-xo.html
As you were explaining the phases and your cats started helping you I immediately thought of the natural behavior of cats: 20 hours or so of sleeping with maybe 4 hours of work. All cats I'm aware of work this way.
Here's the thing: if you consider how things work in nature, the longer you are exposed out of your safe space (if you have such a thing) the more vulnerable you are to attack and death.
This is why many types of animals aren't likely to hunt and eat more than required even if only due to instinct: getting fat gets you eaten.
Perhaps autistic inertia combined with delayed processing are meant to work together to minimize risk.
I literally sit in my house talking to myself and trying to come up with scripts to explain this concept to other people and I always feel like the result is still going to be them judging me as if I’m just lazy. I’m a really hard worker and I always produce thorough, high quality work like you, but afterwards I just collapse inside and can’t keep going.
Your weird, I like it.
Same here. It sounds like the same thing that happens as a trauma response also. It might not automatically mean autism, could be something else like complex ptsd or childhood ptsd
Glad I'm not the only one scripting and rehearsing most of what I say.
And they.....never. listen.
And.....always. judge.
@melelconquistador it's called survival 😢
Amen ! Yes this has always been the case for me . A dear freind a few decades ago , said don't worry , you are not a tortoise or a hare , you are a grass hopper . You move when & how its right , & remain still in the same way . He said i should remember that . I need to remind myself every week of my life that I am not a slacker , nor a super robot on a tread mill . Almost half a century till i got my Dx , this concern is in my top 3 of major issues in life . Being constantly needing to figure out how the heck to refill my battery / recuperate , yet remain focused & productive . After extended periods of autistic burn out , the past few years , however productivity has meant- not having much of a life . Well much of a life beyond being grateful and apreciative of anything i can get done work wise , & any decent time with my son i get .
A grasshopper! I love this! Thanks for sharing.
LOVE the grasshopper analogy. Thank you for sharing!
Woah-- just when I feel like the questions have been answered, more questions are answered!! This is such a realm of self-discovery for me, it keeps surprising me how many of my "idiosyncrasies" or personal challenges I haven't even really been able to put into words or clearly defined thoughts are tied to an actual cognitive THING that so many others can relate to! It is exhilarating to find this resonance, when many of my tendencies have been hard for neuro-typical people to understand and for me to understand how they can be so different my entire life! I can completely shut out everything around me (even as a mom of three...) to work on a project I am into and grind away excitedly at it, ultra-focused and very throrough in my process, quite thrown off and disgruntled when life necessitates me to break away from it (frequent in family life), and my ability to put my whole soul, brain, body into a day at school or work, but then need to just shut out everything when I arrive home and not be questioned about the day, told to do things, offered things, or anything else until I have had some time to process and "unwind." Wow. Learning so much. I agree-- I think there is a place for us in this world, things we can do that others can't. We just have to figure out how to meld our special skills to various situations' demands... hard to do at times. I don't think I'd give it up though. And the inertia thing... exactly!! I have been so hard on myself for not being able to just START the thing! Or finish something I was passionate about if something caused me to lose inertia.
yeah im with you - i don't think i'd give it up either, but sometimes it sure makes things challenging. Thanks for your comment!
Yesterday I had a day with extraordinary productivity. Other times I feel stuck. This video crossed my path at the right time.
I was diagnosed this week and doubts still haunt me whether I conveyed my experience to professionals correctly, but when you said "it's hard to stop an its hard to start" I went "wow" because that is so me, this whole video is so me, but this sentence brought up memories during which I struggled to start tasks or daily routines
I’ve just found this channel. I’m 44 yo, mom of three kiddos, and I was recently asked (by a classmate) if I was autistic. I don’t have an ASD diagnosis but I do have a CPTSD diagnosis and a history of childhood trauma and abuse. I identify so strongly with everything in this video and it definitely makes me wonder if I need to further examine things. Thank you so much.
I experience this to a similar extent. And I agree with the information you provided. Awesome video! I personally experience this.. I have trouble getting things started unless I'm intrigued and interested in whatever it is. Then when I get started I lose track of time forget to eat sleep etc. It's the need to get something done that makes hard for me to stop. It's a struggle I'm still trying to figure out. Like you I am a creator too. I just recently started and I share my experience's there. It's nice to see so many creators offering so much for the autism community. Great video and I've subscribed. I enjoy getting a different perspective from different people also on the spectrum. It helps me out alot in self growth.
Welcome to the community!
I just found you the other day and I can't thank you enough. I looked up Rudy Simones chart myself and I matched almost every single characteristic. Seeing my doc in a couple days. Thank you for what you're doing. What you said about the dentist appt killed me. I'm 32, mom of three, and stable at this point in my life, but could never figure out why it takes me a whole day just to get myself through a dentist appointment. Thank you again! ❤️
This is an excellent video. I have never been diagnosed as on the spectrum, but I recognise what you are saying. It is my default mode of working. I am either wholly immersed, not coming up for air, deep dive work, or totally distracted; reading, listening to music or watching great yt vids like this one. As a software engineer, this way of working is ok for me, but I always felt I was lazy. Now I know I am just being awesome. Thank you for explaining it so well.
The inertia is kicking my butt currently! I have been taking ADHD meds for aprox 1yr now and I have found that with my impulsivity reduced my autism appears worse in that I am unable to go out and do things anymore. I didn't realise that most things I would do were on impulse! I usually feel great once hyperfocused on a task (if I manage to get started). I also need lots of time to recover as in the past by September each year I would go into a mental shutdown that would often see me on psych wards over the winter season. I thought it was seasonal effective disorder and/or Bipolar disorder until I was finally correctly diagnosed with ASD and ADHD at age 37 (2 yrs ago). Very interesting, thanks for sharing xx
I have both ASD 1 and ADHD I’m 42 and late diagnosed and I have been denied the creative life that I truly deserve. I’m still fighting the world for my rights to express my authentic self without anyone judging me
Thank you for this. I subscribed because of this video (uneven productivity). I've only recently become aware that I would probably have been diagnosed with Aspergers when I was younger, had it been understood better back then, and had I not learned young how to mask my 'weirdness.' When a professional gently raised the subject of 'neurodiversity' recently, though, I knew that she was probably right. It immediately made sense of countless incidents, decisions, and conversations from over the years. I'm still sorting it out.
What you've said here does describe my approach to work, much to the irritation of people in my life. I'm better at evening out the productivity, now, but it's taken a looooong time, and I never understood why it was such a challenge. Or why it felt like I had to suspend my personality in order to keep life moving forward.
Only when I saw your video did it occur to me that the hyper-focus I find so enjoyable might be from ASD. When you describe feeling exhausted later, and the disorienting impact of having an event of your calendar, I understood how these familiar experiences *could* all be related to ASD. I don't know if the science will back it up, but it seems very possible that you're right.
I also love the intense work and then intense rest!! ❤ As a person working for an agency, outside of myself…This is not something they could understand. I’m hopeful someday I can work for myself and be able to manage my own productivity on a scale that was made for me! 😍
Oh my goodness! The dentist appointment example was spot on for me!
What really caught my attention is when you called it a "Cosmic Force." I can fight it, but I can't stop it. When I hit my limit, I melt down or turn to stone. No choice. It's a Fact of my biology.
Yes 💯 well said
man, this video made me feel so much better about my own uneven productivity, thank you so much ;_; back when i was 18-19, i'd be at my tablet pretty much from sundown to sunrise. i was so immersed in my art that i'd put off eating, restroom/stretch breaks, & even sleep, in many cases. but i didn't care about the consequences of that, being relatively young & feeling immortal, lol
... and then realizing that said consequences of denying yourself your basic needs inevitably catch up with you as you get older >_< i'm 27 now, & whether i can make progress with my art studies & other interests (or anything, really) on any given day ultimately comes down to a roll of the dice. one day, i'll have spent the whole day studying/creating, happy with my progress. the next? i can barely manage one loose sketch, & i always felt so guilty for that. "this isn't how the real world works - you need to overcome this ASAP if you want to stand any chance of doing this as a job," i'd tell myself. basically scolding myself for Not Measuring Up every single time i fell short of my own expectations, which get harder & harder to consistently reach when you feel compelled keep raising the bar to overcompensate for what productivity you've "lost" in the interim. it makes perfect sense that this process would end up working like a pendulum, in a way. at least pendulums always come around to swing in the direction it came from, & vice versa...
hm. maybe some can be productive like the hands on a clock - always ticking at the same set speed. maybe others are productive like a pendulum - swinging slowly, but ultimately like clockwork. every once in awhile, something has to climb to the top & give that pendulum a gentle push to keep the momentum going, but it's not like that means it never moves at all.
goodness, i gotta stop myself here, this video really got me musing! thank you so much for making it, the ideas & empathy you expressed with this topic really resonated with me. suddenly i don't feel so ashamed, anymore 💜
Thanks for this video Taylor, which came at just the right time. No such thing as coincidence.. Yesterday I had such a productive dat as a stay at home mom. Grocery shopping, cooking crockpot dinner, licking up my kids from school and social events. Everything went in a flow and almost effortless. Happy me all day, yeah that's ne. And today total wreck, mentally beating myself up for not being able to be as productive as I was yesterday. Not able to give my kids as much attention and dedication as I wish to. Thank you soooo much for this insight. Not my fault, no reason to feel guilty. It just my oneven productivity. Tomorrow is another day, now its time for rest and recharge my battery
💯
At 63 I am dealing with acceptance of this. Looking back, I think that I always felt immense shame If I wasn’t perfect and on the flipside, I felt immense guilt if I needed to take care of myself. It was so confusing and I always felt I wasn’t good enough matter how hard I try. Overall, I ended up having a meltdown and needing to isolate and hide. Somehow I always got myself together and pulled off whatever I needed to do. 🤯🤮🙏🏻
Thank you for this video! It helped me put my own experiences with this into words instead of just being a vague blur in my mind. That see-saw sort of effect of hyperfocusing followed by exhaustion. It makes so much more sense now
Than you so much for this video! I have never in my life come into contact with other people that struggle with this. And I always feel so guilty that I don't get work done as fast as I do when I'm in hyper focus mode. Especially since I've had coworkers tell me I'm good at my job. Anyway I'm glad to know I'm not the only one
Definitely not the only one!! There are so many others in this community with you.
I just love your cat randomly passing on the background 😂❤
omg I am so excited!! Your video jsut made my day :D not only do I resonate of course (recently diagnosed with HFA and ADHD) but I also thought of writing up guidebooks and lists for myself and my family and friends to follow and use in case of meltdowns and when travelling ect.! I have recently started working wiht and NGO that works with the autistic youth community locally too so I am super keen on sharing more of these useful resources. Thank you so much for being suh an inspiration! It makes all the difference knowing we are not alone :D
Wow. Does that ever resonate with me. Thanks for helping me with acceptance.
I thought this had to do with other factors in my life but this makes a lot sense to be bigger than those. I can usually physically rest when something is happening later and I've been learning to set alarms and get myself into a relax state mentally to help get what I can when I can. Been taking a lot of work on that though.
Guilt thing is real. I'm getting better with that as well.
We are just different and not wrong...100%!
Im not diagnosed with anything officially, but looking up a lot about ADHD and C-PTSD, and a lot relates there including what you discuss in this video. I got to start WFH in the pandemic, and it worked out better for me, since i had days of doing not much at all, but at leats i didnt have to pretend to work. Then the next day i'd be much more productive, and make up for the previous. I definitely still have to force myself to make deadlines, but its good to know im not just inherently lazy.
This happens to us with ADHD, too.
yes! there is a lot of crossover
So autistic inertia..
(me, 51, single dad, diagnosed 11 years ago)
Greetings from Netherland
I resonate with all of that. I have mild PDA autism and mild inattentive AD(H)D. I tend to attribute these traits to ADHD hyper focus though.
I can accept this in myself now, but how do you explain it to a workaholic spouse or their judgemental family who just think you’re lazy?
Make him watch the video with you.
And read all the comments to see how many other people resonate with this. ❤
So relatable and so timely. I’ve had a very intense week of work where I felt I had to be very “on” and threw myself into it full force. At the end of a particularly draining day (lots of phone calls and e-mails 💀), I was just zoning out on the couch and looking absolutely shell-shocked, and my fiancé asked what I needed to relax. I said “I guess like…to go into a sensory deprivation chamber for a week?” 😂 I also feel I have been starting to come to terms with this cycle more and appreciating the good that comes from it. I love the feeling of getting into that productivity black hole, especially when it’s something I’m really passionate and excited about. The problems I still struggle with are 1. communicating my needs to others without feeling guilty/selfish/inferior/etc. and 2. figuring out how to not spend a disproportionate amount of time on some things that might excite me a lot but not really be that “important”; time management in general. If I’m in a productivity black hole for a whole day, and I need a whole day to recover, then it’s hard to find time to do the in-between things, i.e. cooking, cleaning, running errands (all of which I actually enjoy doing but take time away from much needed rest time). I feel like I’m constantly out of sync with the way that time works for everyone else.
I don't know anything about this "uneven productivity" concept other than what I've heard described in this video. But I don't think it's exclusively related to autism. It seems to describe what happens to many people with or without any autism. I experience it myself, sometimes, so do some of the people I know.
Maybe it's just anxiety. Maybe it's just what happens when you don't pace yourself. I don't know.
But I find the pattern easy to break when I actively shift some of my focus away from the task at hand, when I mentally step away from the moment and towards things I'm looking forward to doing later. It's not that I don't "enjoy" extreme focus or extreme rest, exactly ... it's that I enjoy sustaining a "normal" balance more. I've learned that this approach actually increases the quality of my productivity and of my rest, overall. It gives my mind a chance to refresh, to re-evaluate what I'm doing (and what I'm going to be doing), to stimulate creativity, to obtain new perspectives. Other people have noticed, commenting I'm easier to be around when I'm not so "intense".
I’m not autistic, but I do have OCD and I relate to the concept of autistic inertia so much. I remember reading that autism’s repetitive behaviors are genetically separable from social cues processing difficulties. I definitely don’t have difficulty socializing, but I wonder whether I’ve inherited some of the genes linked to repetitive behaviors which manifest in my OCD.
I really, really needed this 🫶🏼 Thank you!
Yep, I can be a clean freak one week/day/hour…and yet, the basket of laundry that has been sitting for a good week is literally laughing at me and calling me a slob lol. Also, I the time where my kids are at school and it’s myself and the baby is precious to me. If an appointment is on one of those days, I feel like the day is wasted. I’m really struggling with the lack of alone time or down time with 3 kids now. It’s turned me into such a grumpy mom. Pregnant with this last baby, I was on point all the time, but now that he’s 1, it’s frustrating. My husband doesn’t understand or really care tbh. I end up staying up late to get my alone time in. And I’m a fan of being weird too…I’m pretty well versed in doing so ✌️❤️
For awhile before using the term Autism spectrum and others in mental illness/depression/feeling unproductive i tell myself and others to make a list of HAVE DONES instead of the TO DO. No matter how small write it down. You got up. You ate. You brushed your teeth. Etc. I always would get told later by others that it helped them a lot.
I like the term youuse here. I can not have appts more than 2 days together, and then i need to decompress for at least a day.
I cannot work either because i would never sleep. My mind would be on work when i am at home, then right after work i have to process the day and unwind and would not have time to sleep before the next days work again cycling.
Thankfully i do not got kids. Years ago i managed to care for 4 nephews on the spectrum, adhd, bipolar etc.... 4 boys 5, 4, 3, 1. I had them for 5 years. No way i could do it now.
I also cannot have appts early in the day cause by time i fall asleep it is anywhere between hours of 3-7am. I tell people they can put me down, but no promises. I have called last min to cancel because i could not wake up.
I just learned to roll with it. As long as i am sleeping i am good. If i go more than 2 ½ day not sleeping i decline mentally, emotionally and physically.
I 🚶♀️ through the same thing.
I'm wondering if you ever looked into your Human Design chart. It really really helped me to understand why my energy is this way. It's the same as yours. I'm curious if you're a Projector or Manifestor. That would explain it and it's way better to accept yourself as you are. I would love to talk to you more. I just finished up a life coach certification and I'm trying to figure out my direction. Btw. I LOVE yoga with Adriene! I started watching her in 2014! 😁 I love your videos! Thank you so much for sharing yourself with us. ❤️
great topic, I have Autism, and am the male of the species, so I get this!, but to analogise it for others, it is like a steam train, if the fire gets too hot, or the water too low, you need to shut the doors, and cool the fire down (otherwise you have a bomb on your hands- in 'our case' a meltdown;aka a cronic exposure to triggering events); this 'slow time' allows our computers' battery to recharge, so we (the fireman in the steam loco example), can manage the fire effectively and safely; if on the other hand we have a long 'zen' activity, where we lose track of time, the battery goes down, and our 'fuel load' of coal, so we need a 'stop off at the depot to refuel'- if we don't, this in and of itself is a trigger (lack of energy, also read in, ability to control the ship{fatigue of drivers/pilots}), so like a computer, too much data (the slow build up of it after weeks or days), our brains say we have had enough, so it 're-boots', this is the "shutdown" minimal systems active, so no communication, etc. this minimises inputs, so we can recharge, like taking a pressure cooker off the stove. THIS IS MANDATORY for our own good, not to be defeated by others! the only tip is to minimise the obtuse exposure (shutdowns), we can have food (chocolate, coffee, ice-cream), listen to music, or do the 'calming activity', this lowers inputs, adds calming safe motions (stimming), which all, as the singer John Farnam said in a song, "keeps the pressure down"; it effectively releases this pressure, allowing us to accumulate more, before anything happens, and allows us to do our daily things.
This applies to neroripical persons too but the diference is that they reach mental fatigue to zoom out after tasks very difficult and long and I get exhausted much easier in common social interaction and I need to zoom out for a couple of minutes or more to rest and they are not able to understand why I am so tired.
Well yes, i also love being in this "black hole productivity" but i can handle this about once a week, and it will be a "mild" black hole, if you get what i mean, And if i'm lucky once per month i will have a pretty good day,
But im burned after a few hours, 3 to 4 hours at most, and on the mild days it will be 1 to 2 hours max. so if you think that i can only handle them once to two times per week, it sucks.
i do get some things done, but not enough to even keep my house (or myself) clean, and i don't even have work. and on the days i need rest i just can not get rest, because i can not let go that there are still things that i have not done, and the stress and bad feelings towards myself because im so weak etc will also not help me get rest.
So yes i absolutely love having these black hole productivity hours, but i wish i could just have them everyday, or every other day would also be good. I've known this about myself for a long time, and i call them good and bad days, also because the days are so random, i never know when i will have a good day or bad day, so planning things is awfull, because i have to cancel everything when i have a bad day, and i have a lot of bad days..
Question , ( related to the intermittent productivity etc) Anyone else run into the situation where you... advocate for getting services and case management for self & family members on the spectrum ... so as to have help with organizing & skills/ tools & assistance navigating the sea of offices , agencies & lifes important things.... Only to feel like you have jumped from the frying pan into the fire . Meaning, the sheer amount of time and effort expended on navigating all these supposed " needed services " plus the meetings with the folks supposed to be of benefit within this , becomes an exponential stress / drain on you and autistic family members ? Apologies for long wording , converting mental pictures to concise wording , can get messy .
Yes yes yes 💯 there are many times I won’t even bother with something bc the process is too overwhelming. Or i will just do things myself rather than ask for help bc the social element of it is too daunting.
Absolutely especially if the assistance you ask for doesn’t meet your needs.
Okay but like... how do I explain to my boss why some days I'm SUPER PRODUCTIVE and some days I get literally nothing done? I'm doing more than anyone else in my office, but he doesn't understand why I can't be super efficient every day...
I'm not diagnosed yet, I have my first appointment next week.
But I wonder if this is why I've been feeling kinda off all week. I was so productive on Monday getting lots done and since then I've felt so tired and kinda lost, not wanting to do anything but rest... 🤔
Coldplay!
How do you even balance work-life with this trait? I got a late diagnosis and used to get by decently in school thanks to my other strengths, however when at work I keep finding that the expectation is always consistency and predictability, I guess I can understand why, but that appears to be explicitly anti-human to me, not to mention anti-ND!
Yeah, intertia
I call it hyper focus, when I was in my 20s I could do the 5 days of 10 to 12 hour days, and get a lot of stuff done. When I left that job they had to hire 3 people to do the work I did by myself. However, it took a hit on my health. Constant meltdowns toward the end and a witch of a boss. I would spend the weekends sleeping and not doing much of anything. I was young, single and basically my life was work for a time.
i can totally relate to what you're saying about working so hard when you were younger. When I left a job, I did a write up for how to train the next person, and realized I had taken on so much work that I was doing 3-5 other people's jobs. I was young and still didn't register the implications of that - over time, now that I'm older, I look back and think, "how did I let it get to that point?" But dang I worked hard and got a TON of stuff done.
@@MomontheSpectrum
"how did I let it get to that point?" I think you already answered that question: "I was young and still didn't register the implications of that." Or am I missing something?
You just described my past, down to every single detail. ❤
Yes so much yes I relate. I can do the work of 3 and after I have to rest, take time out. So, on average I still do work for 2. But when focussing on the time out the accomplishments don't get celebrated, by me or others. It is only: you could do so and so and now you can't do anything?
I am so glad to find this recognition on the web (and in your video's).
@thegreenmachine well I can still not register the implications of stuff like that at an advanced age, LOL! But I always specialized in obliviousness. An especially demanding job I took about 10 years ago really did a number on my health. A lot of it had to do with the obsessive interest phase, which lasted about 5 years. It was all I did or thought about, and I remember being proud of outlasting a coworker half my age on one of the death march trips. When my ADHD decided it was time to move on, and the job stopped being my obsession, the work got more and more brutal.
Perhaps another way to describe this series of events is as a “supernova of productivity” followed by a “black hole of consolidation and recovery”. In nature, a supernova, which is the explosion of the outer layers of a star, often precedes the collapse of the stars core into a black hole. Production is outwardly directed energy and recovery requires energy to be pulled inward. Just the thoughts of a science nerd…
I love it! 🧬 🌟 thanks for sharing
I literally mentioned this to a friend today. Uneven productivity is the reason why I wanted to work remotely and considering what you were saying about being a mother and never been "off", it is one of the big reasons why I do not want to have kids. It is a responsibility that has no off days and that scares the shit out of me. I want to accept my natural cycle without having to apologise for it or feel guilty about it too much.
Same here. I have 2 nephews and when they're home with me, my mom and their dad I find monitoring them to be exhausting. Everyone else doesn't seem to be phased by it. Maybe it's my hyperfocusing but one thing I DO know is I feel drained. It's also why I'm studying Software Engineering so that I can work remotely and not have to deal with office politics and having to consistent constantly.
I knew I didn't want children as teenager, and that's never changed. I didn't know I was on the spectrum until last year. I'm 58. I knew I was different, but I didn't know that so many others were different in the same ways as me. All I knew was it was incredibly difficult to keep myself and my life together, and that bringing children into it would be irreseponsible of me.
Some people, including romantic partners and therapists shamed me for that. Said I was selfish or immature or whatever. But I knew having children would be a disaster for them and for me, so I never had them, and have no regrets about that.
Autism isn't the problem. Ignorance, intollerance, bigotry and bullying and pressure to conform are the problem. A society that accepts, accomdates and supports autistic people will be a better society for everyone. It will be more tolerant, loving, and creative. It will celebrate the rich variety of human conciousness and expression rather than attempting to force everyone into the same ugly, cruel, noisy box full of flashing lights, beeping alarms, sirens, obnoxious motorized garden torture devices, and vain, greedy, superficial power hungry social bullies.
I'll remain childless and isolated on my boat with my passions and interests. Instead of trying to steal cheese from the social rat-trap like I did for almost half a century before the resulting anxiety and depression nearlt ended me. Seriously:
No thanks. It doesn't work for me. Judging by the looks on the faces of most people as they go off to steal their daily rat-trap cheese, it doesn't work for them either.
That's what needs to change. Not my attitude towards sexual self replication, lol
@@TheWilliamHoganExperience Damn, I couldn't agree more with you!
The third paragraph, when you started listing the models that we are forced to, gave me a headache just to read.
About having children: I also have the mindset that a lot of people are just not meant to be parents, and that should be okay! It's better to not put a child in the world, then to do so and be a shitty parent. And I think I would be a shitty parent, to be honest. How could I not, when loud noises and especially high pitch sounds physically hurt me to the point of not being capable of continuing to even walk for a few seconds after the sound is gone? Children are constantly screeching to their full lungs!
What you mention about isolating yourself also resonates a lot with me. I am friends with my former therapist and sometimes we discuss philosophical or functioning topics. When I tell her that society is too toxic and I would live much better and have a much richer life in isolation, she considers that Im taking an easy way out, to avoid challenges. I know she means well, but there are so many challenges out there, why would I need to put myself through the ones I feel incapable of handling, or hurt me so much, or that my empathy makes me die inside by seeing how many people are doing things that are just purely bad for them, only because they need something to numb the pain of, as you call it, suffering from their pursue of the "daily rat-rap cheese".
@@ravingcuriosity6345 12 years before I knew I was autistic, I read a long multi-part article in LA Times about autism. and it really upset me. Not autism itself, but the way it was framed as pathological. They invertented this fictional boy who was in his own world, and who loved to stare at the sky and line up his toys. He wasn't interested in people - just nature and other things he was interested in. THIS was framed as a "tragic".
It enraged me! I thought to myself "So what? - Let that boy stare at the sky all day while he lines up his toys. Just make sure he's not staring at the sun. And if he wants to do THAT, get him some welding goggles..."
I didn't know I was autistic, but I knew I was different, and that people and society weren't safe for me. I'd just washed out of a 15 year academic teaching career due to typical neurotypical f*kery. This was after spending 15 years becoming a lisenced architect, and finding that profession just as horrible for me.
So I bought a 20' sailboat, and equiped it for crossing oceans. I moved aboard it.
Then I sold or gave away literally everything that I didn't need for sailing away: My home, my car and all my funiture all were liquidated or donated to charity. I burned what was left over on the beach.
At that point I'd been trying to be "normal" and do what society expected and wanted from me for 46 years. It simply didn't work.
I'm 57 now, and I still live aboard a sailboat. I live off my teaching pension now, and perform music because I love it, not to survive. I'm happy now, but it wasn't easy getting here. Trying to conform almost killed me. I was so anxious and depressed and confused and hopeless that suicide started looming larger and larger in my mind, like a bad song I couldn't get out of my head. In 2018, in desperation, I tried Ketamine infusion theraphy, and that saved me. The depression and anxiety and sucidal thoughts vanished.
My autism diagnosis came in 2022. What a relief! Everything suddenly made sense. The more I dug into it, the more I realized that autism is a GIFT that triggers FEAR and RESENTMENT in many nuerotypical people, and that's what makes social interactions so difficult. Missing social cues and taking people at their word makes matters worse.
But we can't help that anymore than a blind person can help not being able to see. The difference is that thier deficit is obvious, and it's shameful to bully them over it.
Not so with the autistic. The word itself is often used as an insult in popular culture. My response is to disclose my autism and to educate people about autism generally, and how it impacts me specifically.
Without my super sensitive hearing, love of repetition, echolalia, and love of routine, I wouldn't be a professional muscian now. It was following my passion for music that led me to start playing when I was 51 - an old man picking up a guitar and teaching himself to play it while singing his favorite songs. All alone on his boat for 5 years. Every single day without fail, for hours and hours and hours before having the chops and courage to start playing with other musicians and ultimately performing solo.
...and I loved every minute of it.
That's all there is to "treating" autism: It's not about acceptance - it's about embracing it as the gift it is. No matter what.
Anything else as Radiohead's "No Surprises" says, is:
"...a job that slowly kills you..."
and
"...wounds that will not heal..."
So lean into your autism.
I already did what your doing, sort of. Never had kids. Im everyone's fave aunt and fave God-mother. It works.
main take-away: when entering the black hole of productivity, bring snacks ❤
Hahaha yessss I wish I could put this in the video. Lol greatness.
It's really cool to hear how what I've always called my "cluster work style" is potentially related to my autism, and not just a 'strange and inefficient' work ethic. It's admittedly difficult in grad school now, where the work is endless yet I never know until I wake up each day whether it will be a cluster work or cluster rest day. It's really nice to hear others' experiences with this!!
Im sure grad school makes this especially challenging!
I have this pattern of fluctuating productivity, too! I hate the guilt-cycle that came with it and am slowly working towards radical self-acceptance there. two inputs I got from other people on the matter I want to share: 1) a guy in uni once told me „as long as you get stuff done in time, why care how/when you got there? done is done. 2) when I complained to my husband about one such uneaven productivity cycle he made me list off all the things I did that week, gave me a strange look and pointed out that while being in hyperfocus I got more done than any reasonable person could expect (or do themselves)…
lesson ftom both encounters: the cycles of inertia and productivity are just a different way of doing things and when interacting with the nt world around us it‘s okay to ask gor acceptance of our way of doing things if the end result is unaffected.
Nicely put! Thanks Simone.
My husband has made me do a similar thing to this exact purpose and yes.
The black hole work cycle sounds like a manic phase, yet I don't think I'm bipolar at all.
@@mortenle I just read up on the symptoms of a manic phase in bpd and I donˋt think it resembles the „black hole“ as taylor describes it at all. Maybe on an extremly superficial level in that I feel very driven to do something/be productive. But other than that - nope. I find the concept of hyperfocus far more acurat. I get however that when described to others it might seem similar and even that it might have led to some misdiagnoses in the past, especially since many high-masking autists also deal with depression. Also, this is not a diagnostic criterium for autism and might also happen as a result of overlapping adhd/asd/giftedness more so than asd alone - so if you do not experience this or it feels different for you, please do not let this irritate you. We‘re not all the same and that‘s just fine!
Shame we don’t get the full acceptance we deserve
The high-productivity day for me was yesterday. Then at like 5:30 pm, I was like, "Oh no, I am all out of spoons!" But I still had to chase my little son (who is autistic also and a very busy boy). He was wired and I was tired; consequently, I think he ate a bar of soap. I was exhausted. He's okay this morning. I survived by going straight to bed after putting my kids down. I think I'll call my son Bubbles now.
I just love that your orange cat is walking back and forth behind you!🐱
he is always jealous of screen time!! 😛
I noticed him wandering around too 😺 What an absolute sweetheart ❤️
Back and forth. Haha. Camera time!
Busy cat! 😂
I came to comment on this.
This video is exactly what I needed!!
Two days ago I had the most productive day and I just didn't want it to end, I LOVED it and felt so so proud. Yesterday I couldn't get anything done. Didn't shower, eat, etc. When my fiancé got home he said I shouldn't be hard on myself, this is how it works for me (I got diagnosed with autism at the age of 7, so we know). I could barely accept it though, because I felt so frustrated and lazy. So this video came at the right time, thank you! Just like he said, I shouldn't be so hard on myself. And thank you all for the comments too, definitely made me feel less alone ❤🤗
So happy to hear this! And there have been multiple people saying their partners are encouraging more self compassion. Yes yes yes!!!
Sounds like you have the right fiancee.
Feeling the same and having a hard time accepting 😞
@@MomontheSpectrum i have no compassion for ⬜♀. you arent even people
So glad you brought this up Taylor. I resonate with this immediately. The trap I constantly fall into is that I will feel great and motivated on productive days and I will plan future productive days thinking that I should be able to maintain this momentum that feels so good and so easy in the moment. And then the next few days come and I'm inexplicably burnt out and unable to do any of my plans no matter how much I wanted to.
My hope is that knowing this is a thing that is probably true of me will help me have more acceptance of how I operate and to not plan for continued productivity in the first place. I need to accept that with great productivity will come a period of great rest.
I totally do this too. It’s like every time I have a few good productive and positive days I completely forget that for my whole life is two steps forward and one back. I then beat myself up thru the whole recovery period for being an idiot 😵
I'm diagnosed as ADHD, just finished ADHD coach school, consider myself very knowledgeable on all things ADHD, and I'm perceptive in areas that I am self aware. But it wasn't until I surrounded myself with 17 other ADHD coaches-in-training that also have ADHD, that I finally fully accepted that I am also autistic (an idea I played with for years). I am very similar to my other ADHD friends and classmates, however I always felt different with the people I felt such connection with. It's hard to tease out what is ADHD hyperfocus and what is ADHD plus autism hyperfocus. It's really the thoroughness in which I dive into and fully submerge in that hyperfocus. And even when I become aware that I'm in that "zone", I just can't. It is a black hole that I want so fondly to be in. It is a fantasy world of details and wonderful things. But it is also a ball and chain that is so utterly exhausting and has held me back in so many many times in life. It's inflexible preservative cognition combined with utmost passion and the inability to see the forest for the trees. Sometimes I see the forest, the bigger picture, but I'm still so hung up on the trees. I want to see every tree. I NEED to see every tree.
Thank you for this TH-cam video, you explained autism inertia so well. It was a concept I didn't know about until now. Also, thank you for being a part of the reason why I can fully accept my autism suspicion that I had for years. You show what it's like to be seemingly normal...but not. It is indeed in a spectrum and the world needs to see that.
I can relate to this so much 😭
I have frequently had to ask myself why I have just spent 2 weeks researching the pros and cons of widget A and Widget B without asking myself if I really need a widget.
Studying is a nightmare. I follow an endless network of ancillary links because I have this infuriating inability to just scratch the surface of anything.
The commonly co-occur I think.
This. All of this. I have literally tried to explain this to my husband using almost these exact same words:
"Sometimes I see the forest, the bigger picture, but I'm still so hung up on the trees. I want to see every tree. I NEED to see every tree." Yes. I always try to explain it like I can zoom out and see the whole forest and then zoom in and see every tree and blade of grass. Once I zoom in though, it takes forever to zoom out again because I need to see everything, leave no stone unturned (as they say).
I thought I was the only one. 😭
I relate so much to this comment.
Grocery shopping is challenging because I have to compare every single option of ice cream and cracker in case they have added more options or the prices have changed.
People say why can’t you just go in and grab what you need….
Sorry I have to look at every tree!
Yes!!!! For me to avoid feeling totally overwhelmed and exhausted I’ve found what works best for me is one day of “normalling” followed by one day of “caving” where I stay in bed all day with the blockout curtains drawn, windows closed, AC on and zero interaction with any other humans. It seems extreme but it’s the only way I can function!
Sounds right on par with so many others here!
I'd love to be able to do this, but how do you manage this schedule with real life? I feel like with two small kids, a job, and a husband, there is no way I can incorporate this schedule. Truly curious?
@@sunnyaz1508 not 100% solution but perhaps do like we do at home, take turns and have backup of big food batches we make two to three times a week plus get takeout and get a cleaning service.
@SunnyAz yes it wasn't possible when I was working or when my kids were young so my meltdowns were way more frequent then. After suffering a complete mental and physical breakdown a few years ago I knew if I didn't completely change my life, it would probably kill me, so a lot has changed for me but the increase in inner peace was worth everything I lost.
@@lisawanderess what changes did you make? And how old were your kids when it became easier in regards to being an autistic parent (not a general patent)? I am now realizing I need to make drastic changes, but I have a hard time figure out what and how. I feel very stuck with the way society functions and also feel the responsibility towards by kids and husband to keep somewhat a normal life. But it is costing me myself.
Honestly I would love to get back to uneven productivity, as annoying and exhausting as it can be sometimes. This is totally how I used to be throughout my life. In the last few years due to massive burnout it's devolved into barely existent productivity which is far worse. I would take the uneven kind any day over feeling like I can't do anything anymore.
You are not the only one, that's my story too. Living on adrenaline caught up with me at last. I'm doing a smidge better than I was, but if I try to push it at all I crash fast.
I feel you so bad. After losing my extremely high maintenance geriatric pets (that had me giving meds every 2-3 hours from 6am until midnight every day for the entirety of last year) and all that's left to me is freeloading off mentally abusive relatives who don't accept that I can't act like that all my life, I've reached a state where sometimes I stay awake until 8am, unable to sleep at all, or crash for 16 hours a day, or eat instant noodles after 14h of starving myself because I don't wanna face anyone or leave my bed. If I make it through this, I'll consider myself a literal survivor, because it feels like I'm slowly dying. If I'm lucky I can get some intense drawing or writing in between, but not without a break of several days. I can't even get myself to reply emails... I worry about my future. I need a job, but I don't feel like I can work in this state. If by any miracle I do get in, I'll probably get fired as soon as they realize my pattern....
@@t.k.5088 I have an idea how you feel, I hit bottom in 2020-21. Life is still a struggle at times, but it is so much better than it was then, which at the time my amygdala assured me could never happen.
I wish you the best, and I'll offer this thought, based on my own experience: no matter how tough things get, I suspect your amygdala is making them seem even worse than they are. When I was finally able to convince my cortex that my amygdala was lying to me, it was a big step forward. (tbh, I needed help from an antidepressant to do it.)
Sending you good thoughts. I didn't believe my life could ever improve, but it did.
@@t.k.5088 ❤ you're not alone.
I totally get you, I'm in the same boat. Burnout is a pain, can't seem to get rid of it.
Oh man, I related to this video so much. It's been so cathartic to be able to have a name for these feelings I've felt my whole life. I just turned 32 and I feel like I have just started to truly understand myself. I've never felt so related to or "seen" in my life, and I never even knew I needed that. Thanks for doing these videos!
You’re very welcome. I’m glad it was helpful to you. Thank you for your comment.
"It's been so cathartic to be able to have a name for these feelings I've felt my whole life." When I learned recently that I might be "neurodiverse," I actually laughed, because it made so much sense. (The professional who gently raised the subject was not expecting that response.)
I think you should do as well videos -record 1 or 2 minutes and play it to yourself or if willing share with others on youtube.
“Scientifically scientific”. I love it.
I have suffered from sporadic productivity my whole professional life. I go from periods of intense productivity to periods where I can only function at a minimal level.
lol I used to be a research scientist and a friend of mine would call me "Scientistic Lady" 😄
This describes me to a T! I retired 4 years ago after total burnout and couldn't do anything for 6 months. 2 years ago I realized, at age 72, that I'm autistic and my life started to make sense. I struggle with inertia and know I can be very focused and active at times, and inertia was making me feel guilty and lazy. The idea of uneven productivity makes so much sense. Thanks for the insight.
you're welcome. I'm glad it was helpful to you. Thank you for your comment.
I'm going to turn 70 in early February. My daughter is 40. I am divorced. Once was a Special Ed teacher, couldn't do it full time. I figured around age 45 that I was probably Aspie. At age 53 a few scientists in Boulder, CO defined the term divergent for me. I sparked right up, and said that sounds like me. And they smiled and said, yes, your divergent. But the word Autism wasn't spoken. This was maybe 2003.
@@joycecz I'm about a year younger than you. I am still trying to figure out how to get a diagnosis. Not sure about the area I live in having the best resources, but I will find it if there are any. I think knowing has empowered you.
I too had a late diagnosis, I was born with Asperger's, and it was truly cathartic for me. I told the doctor who had a PhD that "the dots connected!" I am fortunate to have a wonderful therapist who specializes in autistic spectrum disorder and recommended trying to find one then perhaps they can give you the right resources to get the proper diagnosis.
@@johnzimpelman9018 Thanks, I will attempt this, since it would explain a lot of things about my life and give me new direction.
I am navigating my own late diagnosis (58) and burnout recovery. I have used sensory deprivation as a term for a space I needed to be away from the world to create original ideas and to nurture myself. What you pointed out is so relevant right now especially the working 5 days in a row thing. My self diagnosis means I no longer have to compare myself to neurotypicals. The community is so driven by compassion. This vid made me cry. Thank you.
Good luck on your assessment journey. I had my diagnosis three years ago aged 62. It’s well worth the time spent.
I was also diagnosed at 62. It's really helped, I no longer feel stupid or that I'm a bad person for finding people difficult. Just wish there was support counselling etc, there isn't 😕 No funding for it.
the line 'i no longer have to compare myself to neurotypicals' really left an emotional impact on me. thank you for sharing your story :)
Yvette, I am working on a book on late diagnosed women, would love to have your story for it. I was diagnosed at 57 and am also recovering from the severe burnout that led to my diagnosis. I feel that having several stories together will have more if an impact.
@@ruthhorowitz7625 Ruth, send me your info. We can chat.
This very much describes my problem at the mo. I'm in the IT industry,I'm very good at my job and get loads done in a short period.....but only if I'm left alone with zero interaction. These bursts last a short period, sometimes just a few hours, then it can be days or weeks of just not being able to start or work on anything meaningful, it's just too exhausting and unpleasant
Similar experience. I have exchanged several companies in recent two decades so I know it is related to motivation. What project, how is it managed and what colleagues. After all that years I am considering found my own IT company which will be exactly friendly to neurodivergent people so we can be happy and productive as much as possible.
YES! When I worked office jobs (which thankfully I no longer have to do), I wanted to be left *absolutely alone* to do my work. I could accomplish more in less time than just about anyone -- just *leave me alone* to do it. I especially struggled when someone would come to my desk and hover over my shoulder -- nope!!! I couldn't even type my name correctly with someone standing over me.
Same here. I am a freelance copywriter and webdesigner and I have to be at home alone with my dog to be able to work. Then I am in hyperfocus most of the time while working. Sometimes I work 2 or 4 hours, sometimes 10 hours. Als after some very productive hours or days I don't work for a day or two. That's the only way I can work. Not for somebody who tells me where, what and at what time I have to do stuff. Only I know how I feel today and in this moment.
@@kj3d812Exactly. I can only work at home as a freelancer. No people, no meetings (not even online), no phone calls and if someone would ring my doorbell I would just ignore it (which is easy with noise cancelling headphones on).
I need to be alone with my dog and silence to work.
One of the most relatable things I've seen. Black hole productivity, black hole rest. This is exactly what I need, and basically no one seems to understand. I also like the black hole, but it's also not very sustainable, but it's one of the places I get the most joy,and feel the most expressive and the most me, but it gets in the way of other life things and responsibilities. I wish my job and life circumstances allowed me to do it more.
you are one of several people who has spoken of the joy it brings you to be in the black hole. This is a great point and something I really get from that space, too. One of the times I am the happiest, for sure, is in my black hole!
Yes the black hole productivity. Everything else is gone and I am in the zone !
I love putting my whole being into what I’m doing but it is exhausting so we have to be careful to take care of ourselves. To me it’s important to have boundaries and realize in order to do what I love that I also need to rest.
You totally nailed it with the feeling of guilt. I would totally feel that way when I was still working as a full time SPED teacher. I was basically non-functional after work and felt like a horrible wife and mom. Now, since I get to work from home, I have days that are incredibly productive followed by days of recovery, and I’m accepting that 😊
So happy to hear about this transformation! 🌈
^Agreed. Just gonna say, your name, " Sparkling Spectrumite", is brilliant! ( Was it by chance a variation on, "neurosparkly", which might be a different way of saying neurodivergent for some?
@@lizhyink5636 thank you! I figured I was on the Autism spectrum, so Spectrumite sounded good to me 😊
@@sparklingspectrumite It's a "gem", as they say. I like the thought process, too. To me, it sounds like a beautiful iridescent discovery rising from a cave floor, ( stalagmite : )
@@lizhyink5636 awww thank you so much 🥰
The video really resonates with me. I had never connected my fluctuating productivity with my Asperger’s, but that totally makes sense. I tend to work incredibly hard 3-4 days a week and be very burnt out that other 1-2 days of the week. My bosses are still amazed at how productive I can be when I’m in the zone.
In college I wrote my 80-page undergraduate thesis in about 2 weeks after barely getting a page written in the prior 10 months. 😂 Once I got started, there was no stopping until it was done.
Yes, takes me forever to get started but once I do I cannot stop until it's done.
I am resonating with so much of your channel. Not sure if I’m on the spectrum, but this is exactly how I work. If I even need to go out to grab food on a rest day, I feel like I didn’t rest at all.
I spent the morning plastered to the couch. I got a lot done yesterday and my mom visited. This made me feel better as I felt like I was being so lazy. Great topic! 💞
so glad you got some good couch time! that's always helpful for me
This definitely resonates with me. I was very much like this in my younger years. The thing is, now I feel like it's so hard to be black hole productive. Even my special interests tire me out quickly. I always feel like I need rest but I never feel like I can get it because I'm a husband to an ADHD wife and father to an ADHD and most likely Autistic daughter who don't let me rest for any length of time. Sometimes I feel like Oliver Twist asking ' "Please, sir, I want some more"... spoons'.
"please sir, I want some more spoons" oh my goodness, love this. Sounds like you are in a long period of shutdown. I hope you are able to find some moments for yourself. Thanks for your comment.
I discovered I was on the spectrum last year at 58 when I had a severe meltdown from too many changes to my schedule by committee work. I shut down for weeks which luckily included spring break. when the semester ended, I stopped and mostly stayed in bed for 4 months--but it wasn't even close to enough rest after 58 years of masking. You may have to ask your wife and kid for more space, but it's hard...
I've was thinking the same listening to this, I lost my blackhole abilities, totally burned out for years. I've recently discovered sensory deprivation floats and for me it is like concentrated rest, I just wish it was cheaper I'd do it every day if I could. Meditation has done similar in the past but I can't tolerate it at this time in my life (ADHD+grief).
I love my black hole. It is the thing that I’m good at that recharges my sense of purpose even though it drains my tolerance to other stimuli. I also struggle with guilt daily. I feel like you made this video just for me. Thanks Taylor.
You’re welcome. 💜
Indeed!
At age 62 I’ve diagnosed myself as high functioning Autistic and your podcasts explain so much of my confusion in my teens and adult life.
Thank you so much for sharing your journey with us, which helps us like the way for ourselves.
I became self-employed and plan myself times throughout the week, when I can jump into my rabbit holes plus days to recover, to do self-care. That seems to work and helps me with not feeling guilty.
so glad to hear this. I think self-employment might be beneficial for many people on the spectrum...but the executive functioning challenging can make planning and managing oneself a big stressful.
@@MomontheSpectrum Yes, that's right, I struggle with that, too. But being self-employed I'm only angry with myself and don't have an angry boss "on top", what would lead me to melt downs or break downs.
I find everyday after work I’m exhausted and just have to shut down because if I don’t I end up in a lot of physical pain and cannot think with a clear thought. I will even start saying things that make absolutely no sense. And I also find that I lose my temper a lot easier too when I don’t just shut down after work.
Being late diagnosed I wasn’t taught any skills to manage my autism. I didn’t learn to recognise the early signs that I’m struggling. So I was pushed to keep going until I basically collapsed. The only time people stopped pushing me to keep going/coping was when I was stuck in bed exhausted or admitted to hospital with severe burnout/catatonic (misdiagnosed as severe depression/mental health crisis). I now have to learn to recognise what my body actually needs after 42yrs of being told to ignore every signal from my body and mind. I may learn a little but I’m not going to get to the point where this pattern disappears. I imagine this is why this is possibly more common in late diagnosed/high masking autistics, and why life just gets harder for us as we age.
Thanks for sharing your experience here. It makes me happy to know that you are learning how to listen to your body. Such an important skill at any age. 💜
I had a similar experience, but I crashed and burned at 57.
Thank you for sharing your experience. I'm 67 and late knowledge of ASD, and have had a mostly long, hard, complicated, difficult, painful and traumatic life. I have done a LOT of hard work on myself in the ongoing fallout. I agree it is getting harder and I still struggle a lot daily. I keep trying though, because I decided to keep living and not leave my grandchildren. I'm trying to be softer with myself but it is not easy after a lifetime of pushing myself to the outer limits. 🙏
Yeah. Psyching myself up to do things, yes, familiar. Recovery time has become part of life. It drives my husband crazy because he’s ADHD and was raised by terrible people who taught him to be responsible by forcing him and his brother to so all the housework and babysitting and errands and basically doing almost nothing for him themselves. So he’s a workaholic and has always had a wicked sharp memory and just doesn’t understand the type of Autism/ADHD that I and a couple of our kids deal with. They have a school diagnosis and I have no diagnosis but I think if we all had clinical diagnoses he still would say things like, “Sometimes I think all these things are just names they put on people who are just quirky.” Yeah, honey… that’s why I can’t stand eye contact (I even have to turn magazines over), have no filters, have to drive around screaming after social events, peel my lip until it bleeds, make whistling sounds in my throat and rub my hands constantly to deal with stress, and jerk my head to the side until my neck aches because one eye feels different than the other and I want to even them out… among other things. Because I’m quirky. There you go. Not saying I’m not quirky but dang. So trying to convince this go-getter that I have a terrible time getting to bed because it’s hard to stop what I’m doing… yeah. He doesn’t give me a hard time about it, we got mutual love and respect here, but I wish he understood and he just doesn’t.
"So i just wanted to say 'maybe that is your nature and that's okay'". THANK YOU!!! This is EXACTLY what I needed to hear today. I, too, like the black hole of productivity. I don't want to fix it, I just want to learn how to ride the natural rhythms.
I definitely feel this. I don’t know how I was ever a nurse in the hospital. I would get so burnt out in those 3 days I worked and would need a day to recover. Now I do less than that but get into these black holes for a day working at home and then need a whole day to recover. But yes so much self judgement around it. I think figuring out that my brain works differently than others is really helping me understand and accept myself more. I have traits of asd and adhd.
And really, I’d start to feel more like myself after my 4 days off and then would have to go right back to it again. I started having migraines after every shift.
This is a topic I've been really thinking a lot about lately. As someone that is coming out of burnout, I'm finding that doing my job is like like this lately. I've been more or less successful, lately, having good productivity at work until my pre-set stop time (I work full time from home), then I just stop everything and go into black hole-mode. This has been allowing me to detach, process and recuperate so I can do it all again the next day. It's like I'm scheduling and planning this black hole into my day so I don't do too much, and push myself back into the burnout cycle. The big difference for me, I'm letting myself do more nothing each day, so I can do more productive work later, and that's okay , I'm doing better that way.
It makes me happy to hear that you’re making ways to accommodate yourself
Same here! It took Tay's video and decades of high productivity followed by burnouts to validate that I need to work and rest in cycles.
I work in an office 9-6, a very analytical role and with significant interaction with others in meetings, calls, emails, etc. My day goes in cycles of hyper focus, superproductive slots of between 1- 3 hours. Then I jump off my chair and find a quiet space (ladies', walk out, coffee by my self; do nothing for 5-10 minutes). Lunch alone, find a booth in the canteen or go out to avoid people who want to talk to me :). By 5pm, my brain feels full, like a bucket with water about to burst. So unless there are meetings, I do light tasks or talk around with people; set appointments with myself with to do lists for next day but at all cost I avoid any solid work. Headphones on, out to walk and take the bus home.
5 days of this routine and on Saturday mornings my family knows that I stay in bed, with no interruptions, slowly wake up or do nothing until at least mid-day. This is my recovery which I cannot skip.
Would love a video on how this can affect friendships. I'm always waiting for the perfect time to call or visit with someone and it rarely comes. (Your not wanting to answer one email on an off day made me think of this.)
Great suggestion!
I feel this so deeply. Been this way for years and I attributed it to PTSD or fibromyalgia. When I was 17-18 I could go non-stop on 5 hours of sleep but after some serious trauma, years later still... I call it rest hard work hard play hard. I used to need a day or 2 to recover from 1 day doing errands in town. The day out is great I'm running on all cylinders then crash. I have always had that autistic super focus on a passion project I can spend hours on for days and years. When I crash I'm still needing craving to learn though, thanks TH-cam for that. I melt on couch Because I'm so literal fiction doesn't cut it I NEED to learn. I always feel bad and out of place because I can't function like others. The workforce doesn't understand the needs of people who are different. They aren't supposed to discriminate but the need to crash in order to be productive is something no employer understands but I can do 3x the work of the average person when I'm on a roll. I don't do good with distractions anymore either. I'd prefer to stock goods vs be a cashier because the overstimulation is a panic attack waiting to happen.
Oh my gosh, I NEED to learn also! I haven't seen it put that way before. I have a sense of company now. Plus tarot? I love it!
Me too !
I’ve been dealing with this recently and feel the same…maybe it’s just my nature. I’ve been trying so hard to wake up early (at least by 8am) but I often get into a black hole of productivity late at night. I have a huge project I need to work on and literally CANNOT be balanced about it. I have to hype myself up and then work on it for hours at a time, I really can’t just work on it an hour here an hour there on a schedule. Makes it so hard to function in the real world, and even violates my own need for structure and order😂 Really don’t know what to do other than allow it to happen but try to be present enough to not let myself get too hungry/tired/etc while I’m in the black hole
ooh you bring up a good point that is important to talk about - yes, operating on this black hole non-schedule is really hard for the routine side of our brains. It is really hard for me. I would prefer a predictable order and structure but a lot of times it almost feels like self sabotage to lean into the black hole productivity. it's all very paradoxical and confusing.
@@MomontheSpectrum exactly! I want to be super organized but then feel totally suffocated by my own schedule🫠
The black hole productivity late at night because the distractions of the world have gone to bed and things are quiet. I so know this space and also struggle with the self imposed mandate of getting up "on time" to be at my desk by 9 after so many years of working corporate.
Thank you so much, at 73 you have just described what I have been wondering about myself.
You’re welcome Sara. Glad you’re here!
All your videos convince me I have autism along with my current ADHD diagnosis..... 😲😲
Autism has it's own rythm. Do the best you can to respect it. I used to be an architect. I would engage in long periods of intensely focused, creativive work followed by equally long periods of being shutdown . It was difficult, but I never missed a deadline, and always had time to recover while I was in school.
The profession was different. It demanded constant productivity, and little creativity. It was a horrific grind under flashing flourescent lights in front of flashing CRT CAD screens. I was only able to manage for 7 hellish years before I utterly burned out, shut-down, and lost the abilty to perform even the most basic aspects of my profession. I had no idea I was autistic back in the 90s when this took place.
Had I known I was autistic and what my support needs, sensory issues, and gifts were, I wouldn't have gone anywhere near the architecture profession. Instead, I gave it everything I had for a total of 15 years of school and work, only to wash out of it.
But don't worry!!! Everything turned out GREAT!
I'm 58 now, and was diagnosed as autistic last year. I've been playing music full-time now for 7 years with the same intensity I brought to my career as an architect. If you want to see what happens when an older autistic person finds a way to devote themself fully to their "special interest" for many years, check out my TH-cam channel. There you'll find my Magnum Opus: A 2 hour long concert film I made of a recent musical perfomance I gave at a local Farmer's Market. Here's a single I released from that film:
th-cam.com/video/8wFnVlIdj7c/w-d-xo.html
My own arrangement and interpretation of Radiohead's "How to Disappear Completely" - a song that perfectly expresses what I feel like when I'm shutting-down:
"Strobe lights...and blown speakers...
Fireworks, and hurricanes.....
...and I'm not here...
This....isn't happening..."
I'm guessing Tom Yorke is on the spectrum too. He's also one of the greatest artists of our time.
Respect your autism, and it becomes a beautiful gift. Lean into it, and you'll find at least some peace and love and maybe - just maybe, acceptance and appreciation by others for it. That's what's happening to me. I'm so happy now that my autistic gifts are being reognized and are making other people happy too. Finally I feel like I'm connecting with ordinary people in a meaningful way. After feeling locked in and frozen out for so long. It's just so beautiful. For me music was the key to the lock. It might be something different for you. Or the same. It doesn't matter:
Lean into it. Whatever it is. Whatever brings you the most joy as an autistic person.
That is your gift.
My gift is art. I can days obsessed with it create some fabulous work and cannot function for days after.
This is exactly what I naturally do. Now I can stop feeling guilty about it/worrying something's wrong with me. Trying to be evenly productive just leads to burnout for me.
💓
I'd rest more on my "burnout days" usually an extra 2-4 hours maybe longer. I have a schedule for the days where I'm "burned out" I do the bare minimum. I call them "maintenance days." I scheduled tasks to do everyday or every other day. Most of the time, I can do it and still rest.
I am focused, very focused, on the orange cat, in the background.
He was pacing so much during this video! 🐈
It is so necessary for us to have our own literal community where we have our own businesses, housing schemes etc. I wouldn't wish this current experience we are having on the future generations of autistics.
This video nailed it for me! I’m trying to heal from burnout. I’m a public school teacher, it’s been a rough ride. I have huge dreams for my program. I love to get lost in my creative plans but the follow thru is so hard because I don’t get sufficient time to disengage from the teaching part and focus my energy on creation and changing (which is so hard!) I have been trying a lot of new things and I’m proud of myself for practicing response intervention and continuing to change things in response to my students reflections. Balancing being autistic and a teacher is such a trip man 😂😂😂😅 the black hole feels so nice. It’s blocking everything else out. It’s not even realizing I’ve needed to pee for five hours. I’ve been having to really practice body checks for tension and clenching during those moments. Phew. But I love that phrasing, having sensory deprivation. I keep using the word catatonia. Deep down, I don’t know why but I feel ashamed that catatonia feels so good. I get the best feeling of restfulness just staring at a wall. I feel like a nutjob (or honestly like the girl in the ring) but I could stare at the clock with my mouth open like I’m in one flew over the cookoo’s nest or something. It feels so nice tho to just zone out and let me brain process without me having to tune into that mess 😂
Thanks for all you do! Do you do scholarships/grants for the community meetings?
Yes 💯 thank you so much for the work you do as a teacher. It is invaluable and you deserve the 🌎
Yes, this resonates. And I also have mixed feelings about whether or not this uneven productivity is a good thing. When it comes to writing, I love it. I'll write and write and write and write and I'll have a blast. I feel good about myself and I feel good about my place in the world and it is AWESOME. But then I'll have these other times when I can't get myself to slow down and stop doing stuff but it feels like a weird fever and I don't like it. I'm thinking of this past Christmas Eve when I was go, go, go all day and I got everything done that I wanted to do but I also couldn't rest when the opportunity came -- I couldn't sit down even though I was tired. But I think I would have been all right if my middle child hadn't woken up at 2:20am on Christmas morning (if you can call it that) and basically removed all chance of getting a good night's sleep. And then I was pretty much unable to function on Christmas Day. So I think it is a mixed bag and maybe we just need to embrace it for the sake of the positive side.
Yes I agree with you SueAnne. Just learning to embrace it and whatever comes of it. But it is hard, and life has demands that can’t be avoided sometimes.
Great content! You can’t suppress it. Its like being a ware wolf transforming in front of your family and friends. Mood and sensory problems is also affected. My wife often notice it way before I do but I can’t balance My productivity and level of intense focus, it’s on or off. It feels like having super power for a few days before hangover takes over. Not all of life’s events fits this schedule.
yes it does feel like a superpower sometimes but the hangover is so intense and that's when i'm really hard on myself and experience feelings of guilt
@@MomontheSpectrum If full moon 🌕 occurs when I’m in the hyper mode I literally stay awake for days. Yes the guilt is deep - for being so selfish and not able to regulate, it’s hard on family.
This is extremely resonant, especially as I get older and start listening to my body and mental cues more and more.
Oh my!! This totally resonates.
I spent yesterday rearranging my workroom and hoped to finish it today. Then, today, I just couldn't do anything.
This happens all the time. I'm either busy all day or struggling to do the basics and feeling guilty for not getting anything done.
I felt like I've been losing the plot. Sorry, I don't really have anyone to talk this through.
I totally understand!
Tina, it's the same for me! I'm 71 and am just discovering what all my 'issues' mean. It's so comforting! I always plan to be busy every day and have felt I am a terrible manager of myself. This new understanding is lightening my guilt by leaps and bounds! What a gift to see ourselves in a better light!
People had me convinced I had depression. Wrong! It’s just me doing my thing.
I started doing this in school without know what it was. I started planning around those periods. It help my grades tremendously.
I really appreciate the "This is my reality" approach of this video. I like put together, bulleted helpful videos too. But I relate more to this one today. Thank you for making these. :)
Glad it was helpful! Thanks for the feedback!
I'm 43 and in the spectrum. This happens to me not only with the way I work in my business but also in the way I exercise. I work out 3 times a week, and I mean hard, long sessions of heavy weightlifting and super in the zone, but then, for the rest of the time I don't want to get up from the couch. I feel lethargic, I don't even want to go out for a walk or anything, and I just feel exhausted. I just wish I could be more "even" with my energy and focus levels.
That's how I feel about ADHD too. It's not good for a 9 to 5 job, but my overall productivity / creativity over a week / month / year is fine. It's more about playing to your strengths rather than trying to fit into the NT world. I know not everyone has that luxury though.
Yes! Love it! Thank you for bringing this topic up. I call it my Boom-Bust cycle. And I agree getting curious instead of judgmental is key.
I use to beat myself up for failing to get through my week. Now I like to approach each week like a scientist 👨🔬
Every 3 months I conduct an “experiment” and log my energy patterns for a week. I then take that data to map out my time each week. For example, Tuesdays is typically a BOOM day and Wednesday is typically a BUST day, so I try to schedule my creative work on Tues, and try not to schedule morning meetings on Wednesday.
It’s not perfect, but it has been helpful. And it gives me a feeling of working with my AuDHD brain, instead of against it.
Stay weird, and be well friends! 😊
Love this!
Love this too 🎉🫶
Woow 😍
Loll I also call it this, and I agree to a T. Consistency ain't where's I'm at whether I like it or not, just gotta learn to work with it