I very much appreciate this. I will say honestly, I think there is an added stress when one person (me in both of my marriages that ended in divorce) was living with undiagnosed ADHD, which makes keeping track of things so much more difficult, and it makes it so difficult to keep motivated to do the work when it is not interesting or fulfilling. Even with some treatment it is still very difficult to keep up with everything as I learn to live alone.
My entire house, including myself, has ADHD. Mine is technically the worst, but the mental load is still my job. Needless to say, I'm stressed, depressed, and always exhausted (I also have physically disabling chronic conditions, wondering if all of this over a sustainable amount of time actually caused it). Honestly, it's not just mental, it's everything, he goes to work and thinks he's done with his responsibilities. SO, you can imagine the failsafes I need just to function. Have a to-do list ALWAYS at hand, because u WILL forget to add it if you have to physically go somewhere to add it (usually on ur phone is best). My house is covered with google homes and I'm CONSTANTLY telling it to set reminders, even if it's something in 5-10 minutes. If you can't do it when it chimes, set it again! When adding things to my cal, my calendar's default is to remind me 3 days ahead, 1 day ahead, and 1 hr (I change if needed). Organize your home, closet, etc in ways where drawers are rarely used (drawers are places things go to die, lol) and only put things you go looking for in drawers (like socks/undies or condiments in the fridge). Also, tips for "lazy" people are great -- I have a hook system and just hang all my clothes (no dreaded folding!). Occupy yourself with a video or music while you do chores OR (if you have supportive friends) have a "body double" around for big tasks if you find it helpful (google it, lol). Therapy is a HUGE help for any stress and depression. "How to ADHD" here on YT is great, she does a LOT of stuff I've done that I didn't even realize were failsafes for my ADHD brain, lol. Lastly, ADHD Tiktok has amazing tips and you really feel like you're supported and not alone. Some great "hey I do that too!" or just for a healthy laugh at ourselves I love @workyourheid (a super supportive wife documents her husband's ADHD) and themichaeldarcy (who is actually a comedian too, so he's fun, lol).
I'm curious what was the final thing that made you pressue getting diagnosed? I strongly believe that my husband has ADHD and it causea him to lose track of tasks easily, get distracted, even forget things that our household has been doing for years. The other problem is that he is a nurse so he is very prideful/resistant when it comes to being diagnosed or admitting that he may need to see a doctor. The fact that I am not a nurse (tho I am a mother of 4) somehow makes me unqualified to point out the issues and observations I have seen over our almost 10 year relationship. For me it's quite hurtful because I do carry probably 99% of the mental load in our house. I do all the cooking all the cleaning.. And I literally do mean ALL of it. I take care of every single appointment for all the children. I even pack his lunch for work. I homeschool are older two kids, our younger ones are too little to start school. I understand that he works so that I can stay home in order to take care of the kids. And I very much appreciate that. But he actually does get days off work, where is I do not. I don't even get to shower by myself oh, there is usually a toddler in the water by my feet.. and when he's home he just expects me to ask him for what I need instead of seeing that I'm drowning. I have talked to him many many times. And he seems willing to help but then he quickly forgets and gets distracted.
Justin, I completely agree. I have been living with ADHD for years. I am being treated for it, but things still feel really chaotic. The stress of working on that, working on the marriage, keeping track of things at home (yes, stay-at-home dad, cooking and cleaning are not fun), covid-19, to vaccine or not vaccine, etc. etc. Things gets really out of hand, but hang in there, it will get better. This is a great piece that sheds light on the invisible work that MEN and WOMEN do to keep their households functioning.
I just want to say thank you both for sharing your insight on this over normalized inequality!!!!! Additional thank you to the commenters who have mentioned the adult attention deficit disorders as it certainly adds to challenges and makes for more unique compromise.
YES!!!!! Just this week I had a moment where I just snapped internally when I thought of all the 'things' that this time of year brings. And it occurred to me how much I do so now I want to figure out a way to address it in a healthy way with my husband. I was so happy to find this video here as I follow you guys on IG and already feel like I know you! :) Thanks for the help!
We are so happy to hear that our content has been helpful! We also have a podcast episode about Mental Load that might be helpful! Check out Pillow Talks episode 4: "Mental Load: What It Is and How to Stop It from Destroying Your Relationship", at vmtherapy.com/episode4 or wherever you like to listen to podcasts!
recently learned about the mental load so many (espc women) take on in a household and/or relationship. you guys said concisely exactly what I’ve been thinking for years! the fact that it’s not a visible thing and mostly internal makes it even more nuanced of a topic sending this to my mom and dad asap lol
Ok I love this, BUT what about when your partner agrees to do something, does it, but doesn’t do it “good enough?” My husband takes over dishes… but the baby bottles always have a film left on them and he doesn’t even notice! And if he sweeps or mops he doesn’t get underneath the table or chairs, because he doesn’t notice… but I do! It’s not that he “failed” in his eyes, so there’s not a learning opportunity here. What do you do in this situation?
Thank you for your question! Check out our Mental Load Workbook, this guide walks you through exactly how to approach this kind of conversation with your partner. Detailed task lists, strategies for splitting the mental load, and access to a free Notion template are also included! If you have any trouble finding the workbook on our website, contact info@vmtherapy.com.
I agree. “Sure I’ll do it and take this on” and then the dog hasn’t been washed in 3 months. ☠️ so then it’s my burden again because I’m thinking about it.
There's need to be standards and consequences, maybe take away his play time if he doesn't clean well. But you need to communicate better YOUR expectations and maybe some better PRAISE if he does well.
I love the question about them doing it wrong…. That’s what happens when people aren’t trained. It’s just like at work. If you don’t show someone who doesn’t know how to do something, then OF COURSE they’re going to fail…
Thank you so much! I have had multiple arguments w my partner about this and this video really helped explain why I was so frustrated. I am so thankful.
SO glad it helped! Thank you so much for your support! We also have a Mental Load Workbook you can check out at vmtherapy.thrivecart.com/mental-load-workbook/?ref=yt-mentalload& Hope this helps!
Y What’s worse is when your partner only seems to notice the work you do when you “slack” or forget something…. It feels like they’re only pointing out your failings.
My favorite is when I ask for his help with the dishes and he said "I'm not the one who made all these dirty dishes" and when I point out that didn’t stop him from eating the dinner I made, he says he would have cooked something a lot simpler that only dirties up one dish if it were up to him 🙄 he also loves to brag about what a good and creative cook I am tho
I get frustrated because just because you’re a woman doesn’t mean that you need relief from mental load and just because I’m a man doesn’t mean that I don’t know anything about it. I don’t like the feeling I get that says, you need to bow down to your wife because you clearly don’t know anything or you’re clearly not doing enough. I think there’s too much time spent on the focus of women and their inequality and not enough focus on equality. If it was equal, it would be like hey let’s talk about how we are going to take care of everything. I’ve tried this with my significant other only to get anger from her for “not knowing enough about mental load”. What a slap in the face. You try to help and then you get blasted. Any advice?
The pay is the roof over their head and food in the fridge. Otherwise she needs to get a job and provide that herself. It's a team effort to care for a home and family. A woman has to do her part.
Why do peoples’ mental problems become their partners’? Probably because they have to deal with them but I don’t believe in encouraging mental illness. If you obsess and over mentalize, then that’s a problem and should not continue. We shouldn’t just be like oh well that’s just the way I am and it’s actually a problem you are responsible for fixing too.
![ILLSLICK - THE KING'S LANDING [Freestyle]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/feIJJnNkTfk/mqdefault.jpg)
I very much appreciate this. I will say honestly, I think there is an added stress when one person (me in both of my marriages that ended in divorce) was living with undiagnosed ADHD, which makes keeping track of things so much more difficult, and it makes it so difficult to keep motivated to do the work when it is not interesting or fulfilling. Even with some treatment it is still very difficult to keep up with everything as I learn to live alone.
My entire house, including myself, has ADHD. Mine is technically the worst, but the mental load is still my job. Needless to say, I'm stressed, depressed, and always exhausted (I also have physically disabling chronic conditions, wondering if all of this over a sustainable amount of time actually caused it). Honestly, it's not just mental, it's everything, he goes to work and thinks he's done with his responsibilities. SO, you can imagine the failsafes I need just to function. Have a to-do list ALWAYS at hand, because u WILL forget to add it if you have to physically go somewhere to add it (usually on ur phone is best). My house is covered with google homes and I'm CONSTANTLY telling it to set reminders, even if it's something in 5-10 minutes. If you can't do it when it chimes, set it again! When adding things to my cal, my calendar's default is to remind me 3 days ahead, 1 day ahead, and 1 hr (I change if needed). Organize your home, closet, etc in ways where drawers are rarely used (drawers are places things go to die, lol) and only put things you go looking for in drawers (like socks/undies or condiments in the fridge). Also, tips for "lazy" people are great -- I have a hook system and just hang all my clothes (no dreaded folding!). Occupy yourself with a video or music while you do chores OR (if you have supportive friends) have a "body double" around for big tasks if you find it helpful (google it, lol). Therapy is a HUGE help for any stress and depression. "How to ADHD" here on YT is great, she does a LOT of stuff I've done that I didn't even realize were failsafes for my ADHD brain, lol. Lastly, ADHD Tiktok has amazing tips and you really feel like you're supported and not alone. Some great "hey I do that too!" or just for a healthy laugh at ourselves I love @workyourheid (a super supportive wife documents her husband's ADHD) and themichaeldarcy (who is actually a comedian too, so he's fun, lol).
I'm curious what was the final thing that made you pressue getting diagnosed? I strongly believe that my husband has ADHD and it causea him to lose track of tasks easily, get distracted, even forget things that our household has been doing for years. The other problem is that he is a nurse so he is very prideful/resistant when it comes to being diagnosed or admitting that he may need to see a doctor. The fact that I am not a nurse (tho I am a mother of 4) somehow makes me unqualified to point out the issues and observations I have seen over our almost 10 year relationship. For me it's quite hurtful because I do carry probably 99% of the mental load in our house. I do all the cooking all the cleaning.. And I literally do mean ALL of it. I take care of every single appointment for all the children. I even pack his lunch for work. I homeschool are older two kids, our younger ones are too little to start school. I understand that he works so that I can stay home in order to take care of the kids. And I very much appreciate that. But he actually does get days off work, where is I do not. I don't even get to shower by myself oh, there is usually a toddler in the water by my feet.. and when he's home he just expects me to ask him for what I need instead of seeing that I'm drowning. I have talked to him many many times. And he seems willing to help but then he quickly forgets and gets distracted.
Justin, I completely agree. I have been living with ADHD for years. I am being treated for it, but things still feel really chaotic. The stress of working on that, working on the marriage, keeping track of things at home (yes, stay-at-home dad, cooking and cleaning are not fun), covid-19, to vaccine or not vaccine, etc. etc. Things gets really out of hand, but hang in there, it will get better. This is a great piece that sheds light on the invisible work that MEN and WOMEN do to keep their households functioning.
🙄
This is exactly the situation I'm facing at present. It's exhausting.
I just want to say thank you both for sharing your insight on this over normalized inequality!!!!! Additional thank you to the commenters who have mentioned the adult attention deficit disorders as it certainly adds to challenges and makes for more unique compromise.
YES!!!!! Just this week I had a moment where I just snapped internally when I thought of all the 'things' that this time of year brings. And it occurred to me how much I do so now I want to figure out a way to address it in a healthy way with my husband. I was so happy to find this video here as I follow you guys on IG and already feel like I know you! :) Thanks for the help!
We are so happy to hear that our content has been helpful! We also have a podcast episode about Mental Load that might be helpful! Check out Pillow Talks episode 4: "Mental Load: What It Is and How to Stop It from Destroying Your Relationship", at vmtherapy.com/episode4 or wherever you like to listen to podcasts!
recently learned about the mental load so many (espc women) take on in a household and/or relationship. you guys said concisely exactly what I’ve been thinking for years!
the fact that it’s not a visible thing and mostly internal makes it even more nuanced of a topic
sending this to my mom and dad asap lol
Ok I love this, BUT what about when your partner agrees to do something, does it, but doesn’t do it “good enough?” My husband takes over dishes… but the baby bottles always have a film left on them and he doesn’t even notice! And if he sweeps or mops he doesn’t get underneath the table or chairs, because he doesn’t notice… but I do! It’s not that he “failed” in his eyes, so there’s not a learning opportunity here. What do you do in this situation?
Thank you for your question! Check out our Mental Load Workbook, this guide walks you through exactly how to approach this kind of conversation with your partner. Detailed task lists, strategies for splitting the mental load, and access to a free Notion template are also included! If you have any trouble finding the workbook on our website, contact info@vmtherapy.com.
I agree. “Sure I’ll do it and take this on” and then the dog hasn’t been washed in 3 months. ☠️ so then it’s my burden again because I’m thinking about it.
There's need to be standards and consequences, maybe take away his play time if he doesn't clean well. But you need to communicate better YOUR expectations and maybe some better PRAISE if he does well.
Please make this into a series!! My husband and I are looking to learn more about this.
I love the question about them doing it wrong…. That’s what happens when people aren’t trained. It’s just like at work. If you don’t show someone who doesn’t know how to do something, then OF COURSE they’re going to fail…
Thank you so much! I have had multiple arguments w my partner about this and this video really helped explain why I was so frustrated. I am so thankful.
SO glad it helped! Thank you so much for your support! We also have a Mental Load Workbook you can check out at vmtherapy.thrivecart.com/mental-load-workbook/?ref=yt-mentalload& Hope this helps!
Every time I've brought this up with a male partner or roommate I've been screamed at. Not sure how common that is but it's definitely not ok.
If you ever want to try the conversation again, our guide really does help!
It's very common, unfortunately. If they listen with reason, then they're obligated to do something about it and that's what they want to avoid.
Hei. I am going trough this. But is the first time I find a definition for it. Thank you for the great video.
Thanks for watching Raquel! Glad you found this video helpful!
Y
What’s worse is when your partner only seems to notice the work you do when you “slack” or forget something…. It feels like they’re only pointing out your failings.
Well yeah of course. No one likes that. Thats called lack of appreciation.
My favorite is when I ask for his help with the dishes and he said "I'm not the one who made all these dirty dishes" and when I point out that didn’t stop him from eating the dinner I made, he says he would have cooked something a lot simpler that only dirties up one dish if it were up to him 🙄 he also loves to brag about what a good and creative cook I am tho
That has got to be infuriating! - Team V&X
You should just say “you can’t have any of this food unless you help clean it up.” Simple.
I get frustrated because just because you’re a woman doesn’t mean that you need relief from mental load and just because I’m a man doesn’t mean that I don’t know anything about it. I don’t like the feeling I get that says, you need to bow down to your wife because you clearly don’t know anything or you’re clearly not doing enough. I think there’s too much time spent on the focus of women and their inequality and not enough focus on equality. If it was equal, it would be like hey let’s talk about how we are going to take care of everything. I’ve tried this with my significant other only to get anger from her for “not knowing enough about mental load”. What a slap in the face. You try to help and then you get blasted. Any advice?
Oh man I feel like the woman in my house. Exhaaaausted
Women over think, and men make due.
That’s why women shroud get paid by THIER partners to do the chores of the man doesn’t want to do the chores or they both do it
The pay is the roof over their head and food in the fridge. Otherwise she needs to get a job and provide that herself. It's a team effort to care for a home and family. A woman has to do her part.
Why do peoples’ mental problems become their partners’? Probably because they have to deal with them but I don’t believe in encouraging mental illness. If you obsess and over mentalize, then that’s a problem and should not continue. We shouldn’t just be like oh well that’s just the way I am and it’s actually a problem you are responsible for fixing too.
2:30
Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y!!!!!
I enjoy the mental load. I find it keeps my mind sharp and I like knowing everything that is happening in my home.
That’s a YYYYYYYYYYY
Y, I was terrible at seeing this
Y
Y!!!!
Y 🫶🏽🌸🦋💕
Y
Y
Y