My husband is doing this with my 23 year old daughter and 20 year old son I can’t even look at my children I raised my 28 year old daughter he had no say so she was my first the hardest but she is the best child
In this economy...Depending on the adult child, I don't feel it's always threatening, as it could actually be helpful. Depending on the family's situation also. If the adult kid has the mindset of being a blessing instead of a curse. On the flip side, the "blessing or curse" part may also apply to the parents. If the adult kid financially pays his/her keeps and helps out with reasonable chores and responsibilities around the home. They can work as a new phase functional family unit. Providing everyone comes to the table with an understanding of respecting boundaries, it could at-least work out indefinitely.
That is called a Hippie Commune....and in the defense of the Hippie Commune, at least they were adults living together without any parents there to be a safety net. It is different when you are out on your own...which these Hippies were. Different dynamic, and still living with your parents instead of a set of roommates is destructive to all.
It's amazing to see the rationalizations parents come up with to excuse the "adult" child from owning their responsibilities. I like what Dr. Cloud said "regression" when referring to the "adult" child being dependent on their parent(s). That hit me clearly. What is the issue? REGRESSION. Can an adult-age child move out and support themselves? Of course. I live in Silicon Valley, one of the most expensive places to live and yes - it's absolutely reality each and every day that millions of young people accomplish this. They live with roommates, they rent a room, they even figure out how to buy a $1M+ home right out of college! As one of these parents with a 31 yr. old living in my home (paying rent), I KNOW IT'S PARTIALLY ME enabling his regression. Why do I do it? Fear. My own fear. Thank you for the encouragement Dr. Cloud!
My Adult children ages 35 and 38, both went to college, both own a home, both have good jobs. They grew up watching their Dad minimize me, cut me down, ...as my Son said "Mom, Dad does things on purpose to upset you, then he blames y ou for being upset"....Well that only got worse, much worse....so I divorced him, about 20 years ago. Before the divorce and after, he tells my kids "The mother has to do what the kids want her to do"....and they believe him, so they do what he did....Speak in Arrogant tones of voice, condemn me, gossip about me, to make their family friends dislike me, cut me down, steal my things, damage my property.....and at times they ask me for help. And I do help. My daughter asked me to help her with her wedding, so I did. She also asked if I would keep her wedding dress at my house....so I did. Now....they go to their Dad and he tells them how to treat me. So my daughter then decides to let me know I may not be invited to her wedding....I was shocked and asked "Why"...her answer "Because I deserve to feel special".....then she wanted to have me arrested for stealing her wedding dress....which she asked me to keep for her. THEY SET ME UP....just exactly as their Dad did. I have tried every way I know how, and they want attention from their Dad so badly.....they do what he says, even if it harms me, or it's illegal. Their Dad was not home much....he had other women, and was "too busy" for us. I seriously do not know how to have a relationship with them, without their Dad's instructions to be cruel and abusive, or do something illegal to me. I did remarry, and oh boy....they also tried to make him treat me as they do. I think this is called Parental Alienation Syndrome....and I have tried so many times to try to have a normal adult relationship....I do 99.99 % of the work, and they speak down to me.
05:29, parents should consider this. Many of them do not and that is very frustrating. The children no longer need the parents advice and their pushing and their interferring.
Thank you for this video. I am in a living hell or made for tv movie. My son had a motorcycle accident two years ago and is now a paraplegic. He is 21 now and I am his caretaker. I'm recently divorced from a marriage of 26 years and he was an incredible narc. Now 2 of my three sons are narcs, bipolar,....idk. My paralyzed boy became and addict from this accident but has put me through heinous mental torture. I believe much of it is from drug use but am seriously believing I am dealing with a narc. He emotionally manipulates me and verbally abuses me. I have this guilt about abandoning him and am continually threatened that he will kill himself. I feel so trapped and am in total despair. Please someone help me. Has anyone out there had to deal with a life changing event such as my son's accident and is this typical?
Heartbreaking. We have a son who was in a car accident 15 yrs ago and also a down syndrome son. They are now in their late 30's. They live at home with my husband and I. We were warned that this kind of stress can destroy a marriage. I haven't seen any replies that mentioned the Jesus Factor and so I will comment. We had a successful business and my husband was crushed by this. Slowly we moved forward in this, making sure we spend time alone and get support from others. Our strong faith in Christ has helped us to truly move into a joy filled life. I did go to Al Anon so I could learn how to not react to the challenges before us. If you will truly trust him, he will direct your paths. My husband is now home with a disability, has become a beekeeper and the two boys help him paint the hives and jar the honey. PLEASE go through the entire boundaries class, find a support network so you can get strong. And then learn how to say no and establish boundaries with your sons. You will experience a new level of freedom....
Lady Heart Bless you my dear, you need to apply for social security disability, you should qualify, can’t tell you to abandon your husband or grandchildren but your two adult children do not need your attention, once you’re gone your gone, they will have to fend for themselves
I am 33 and my father estranged himself from me because of accusations and $. Now my father is assuming that all I do is freeload my grandmother but I'm actually caregiving his mother!! He has brain washed my sister and mom into ignoring me, labeling me a failure when he has no idea what I do and my grandmother has been spoiling me for decades. If anyone has any ideas or thoughts at parents who estrange one kid and is civil with my sister and brother but since I partied and celebrated my early 20s and got in trouble and now I'm still paying for it, I got clean and my relationship between them just got worse and worse and now I have no contact with them
#2 sorry I also forgot another question: If say someone like me that has this problem and I'm 37 years old but honestly if feel like a kid in my body, it's so very impossibly difficult to be responsible!!!!! So actually how I'm sure I have this problem and if I do is there any good advice how to be more like my age again?? I mean I'm not childish I do act my age but just other things that seem so hard but people can still do it or if I ask them "how are you so devoted?" They just say "well it's hard but you have to do it ! " And I certainly know that but in my case I can't even do that!!! If it's hard I can't do it, even if it's easy........ ???
Excuse me but I'm just curious....... You said it was the fathers problems but wouldn't they still be the son 's problems but the father is just trying to help his son, also his son wasn't ther but f he could have made it there wouldn't that cancel out the part about the son skiing and having fun ......... Making him not look like his somewhere fun skiing. ???? I would love your reply back thank you!!! : )
The economy is not so bad that an adult child has to live with Mommy and Daddy. The lazy adult children I have known were not responsible with their money. They wasted it all the time on silly things. They never seemed to be able to save up enough to move out, why would they when Mommy allows them to use the washing machine without having to pay for it. Free stuff all the time, meals made for them, etc. causes them to be lazy.
Excuse me but I'm just curious....... You said it was the fathers problems but wouldn't they still be the son 's problems but the father is just trying to help his son, also his son wasn't ther but f he could have made it there wouldn't that cancel out the part about the son skiing and having fun ......... Making him not look like his somewhere fun skiing. ???? I would love your reply back thank you!!! : )
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My husband is doing this with my 23 year old daughter and 20 year old son I can’t even look at my children I raised my 28 year old daughter he had no say so she was my first the hardest but she is the best child
The common sense and the wisdom are amazing in this video! I am going to watch more thank you so much!
In this economy...Depending on the adult child, I don't feel it's always threatening, as it could actually be helpful. Depending on the family's situation also. If the adult kid has the mindset of being a blessing instead of a curse. On the flip side, the "blessing or curse" part may also apply to the parents. If the adult kid financially pays his/her keeps and helps out with reasonable chores and responsibilities around the home. They can work as a new phase functional family unit. Providing everyone comes to the table with an understanding of respecting boundaries, it could at-least work out indefinitely.
That is called a Hippie Commune....and in the defense of the Hippie Commune, at least they were adults living together without any parents there to be a safety net. It is different when you are out on your own...which these Hippies were. Different dynamic, and still living with your parents instead of a set of roommates is destructive to all.
Never put your children above your spouse. Kids are temporary visitors...your spouse will still be there once the kids are long gone.
He's a great teacher!
Exactly, the dad has a lot of problems. Once he quits supporting that son and paying for ski trips maybe the son can own his own problems.
It's amazing to see the rationalizations parents come up with to excuse the "adult" child from owning their responsibilities. I like what Dr. Cloud said "regression" when referring to the "adult" child being dependent on their parent(s). That hit me clearly. What is the issue? REGRESSION. Can an adult-age child move out and support themselves? Of course. I live in Silicon Valley, one of the most expensive places to live and yes - it's absolutely reality each and every day that millions of young people accomplish this. They live with roommates, they rent a room, they even figure out how to buy a $1M+ home right out of college! As one of these parents with a 31 yr. old living in my home (paying rent), I KNOW IT'S PARTIALLY ME enabling his regression. Why do I do it? Fear. My own fear. Thank you for the encouragement Dr. Cloud!
Took almost 2 minutes to define "adult children." Then he keeps repeating the definition, still explaining it for over 6 minutes.
The 14 dislikes are the adult children sleeping on the couch at their mommy house smh
Damien Keene 😂
My Adult children ages 35 and 38, both went to college, both own a home, both have good jobs. They grew up watching their Dad minimize me, cut me down, ...as my Son said "Mom, Dad does things on purpose to upset you, then he blames y ou for being upset"....Well that only got worse, much worse....so I divorced him, about 20 years ago. Before the divorce and after, he tells my kids "The mother has to do what the kids want her to do"....and they believe him, so they do what he did....Speak in Arrogant tones of voice, condemn me, gossip about me, to make their family friends dislike me, cut me down, steal my things, damage my property.....and at times they ask me for help. And I do help. My daughter asked me to help her with her wedding, so I did. She also asked if I would keep her wedding dress at my house....so I did. Now....they go to their Dad and he tells them how to treat me. So my daughter then decides to let me know I may not be invited to her wedding....I was shocked and asked "Why"...her answer "Because I deserve to feel special".....then she wanted to have me arrested for stealing her wedding dress....which she asked me to keep for her. THEY SET ME UP....just exactly as their Dad did. I have tried every way I know how, and they want attention from their Dad so badly.....they do what he says, even if it harms me, or it's illegal. Their Dad was not home much....he had other women, and was "too busy" for us. I seriously do not know how to have a relationship with them, without their Dad's instructions to be cruel and abusive, or do something illegal to me. I did remarry, and oh boy....they also tried to make him treat me as they do. I think this is called Parental Alienation Syndrome....and I have tried so many times to try to have a normal adult relationship....I do 99.99 % of the work, and they speak down to me.
Wonderful! Have just discovered this site:-) Very engaging.
I’m 29 this video hit my like a curve ball lol.
05:29, parents should consider this. Many of them do not and that is very frustrating. The children no longer need the parents advice and their pushing and their interferring.
That was great. “ you have a lot of problems,” codependency...
Thank you for this video. I am in a living hell or made for tv movie. My son had a motorcycle accident two years ago and is now a paraplegic. He is 21 now and I am his caretaker. I'm recently divorced from a marriage of 26 years and he was an incredible narc. Now 2 of my three sons are narcs, bipolar,....idk. My paralyzed boy became and addict from this accident but has put me through heinous mental torture. I believe much of it is from drug use but am seriously believing I am dealing with a narc. He emotionally manipulates me and verbally abuses me. I have this guilt about abandoning him and am continually threatened that he will kill himself. I feel so trapped and am in total despair. Please someone help me. Has anyone out there had to deal with a life changing event such as my son's accident and is this typical?
Research boundaries and think about leaving the house and attending aalanon for family with addicts.
Maybe get him some state assisted total care, while you heal and recover. Then, just visit him from time to time.
Heartbreaking. We have a son who was in a car accident 15 yrs ago and also a down syndrome son. They are now in their late 30's. They live at home with my husband and I. We were warned that this kind of stress can destroy a marriage. I haven't seen any replies that mentioned the Jesus Factor and so I will comment. We had a successful business and my husband was crushed by this. Slowly we moved forward in this, making sure we spend time alone and get support from others. Our strong faith in Christ has helped us to truly move into a joy filled life. I did go to Al Anon so I could learn how to not react to the challenges before us. If you will truly trust him, he will direct your paths. My husband is now home with a disability, has become a beekeeper and the two boys help him paint the hives and jar the honey. PLEASE go through the entire boundaries class, find a support network so you can get strong. And then learn how to say no and establish boundaries with your sons. You will experience a new level of freedom....
Lady Heart Bless you my dear, you need to apply for social security disability, you should qualify, can’t tell you to abandon your husband or grandchildren but your two adult children do not need your attention, once you’re gone your gone, they will have to fend for themselves
How do I get more resources about Boundaries with your Adult Children?
I am 33 and my father estranged himself from me because of accusations and $. Now my father is assuming that all I do is freeload my grandmother but I'm actually caregiving his mother!! He has brain washed my sister and mom into ignoring me, labeling me a failure when he has no idea what I do and my grandmother has been spoiling me for decades. If anyone has any ideas or thoughts at parents who estrange one kid and is civil with my sister and brother but since I partied and celebrated my early 20s and got in trouble and now I'm still paying for it, I got clean and my relationship between them just got worse and worse and now I have no contact with them
Richie That’s sad!
this video doesn't say a thing about boundries
I started being an adult at age 12, supporting my single parent. Their are adult kids over 18 that are not independent.
Now that was Deep!
#2 sorry I also forgot another question: If say someone like me that has this problem and I'm 37 years old but honestly if feel like a kid in my body, it's so very impossibly difficult to be responsible!!!!! So actually how I'm sure I have this problem and if I do is there any good advice how to be more like my age again?? I mean I'm not childish I do act my age but just other things that seem so hard but people can still do it or if I ask them "how are you so devoted?" They just say "well it's hard but you have to do it ! " And I certainly know that but in my case I can't even do that!!! If it's hard I can't do it, even if it's easy........ ???
Payden Maxwell. Seems you need motivation, that has to come from within, sometimes hardship brings you to motivation.
Excuse me but I'm just curious....... You said it was the fathers problems but wouldn't they still be the son 's problems but the father is just trying to help his son, also his son wasn't ther but f he could have made it there wouldn't that cancel out the part about the son skiing and having fun ......... Making him not look like his somewhere fun skiing. ???? I would love your reply back thank you!!! : )
So are you saying ignore your adult kid problems? Just let them go there merry way?
The economy is not so bad that an adult child has to live with Mommy and Daddy. The lazy adult children I have known were not responsible with their money. They wasted it all the time on silly things. They never seemed to be able to save up enough to move out, why would they when Mommy allows them to use the washing machine without having to pay for it. Free stuff all the time, meals made for them, etc. causes them to be lazy.
8
Sir the contempt you display while talking is disgusting, wish I could refund my 8 minutes
says the enabler. There is no contempt. You should listen to all his videos and read his books..
Excuse me but I'm just curious....... You said it was the fathers problems but wouldn't they still be the son 's problems but the father is just trying to help his son, also his son wasn't ther but f he could have made it there wouldn't that cancel out the part about the son skiing and having fun ......... Making him not look like his somewhere fun skiing. ???? I would love your reply back thank you!!! : )
The son has a problem...his father takes care of his needs so he needn't become self-reliant and mature.