Early childhood experiences: (Core wounds) 1. Emotional neglect 2. Phisical neglect (neglect of phisical needs, like food, clothing etc) 3. Sometimes parents push kids but don't support them. (Expect a lot) So they come across as: 1. Selfish. 2. Consequences: 1. I am unsafe in interdependency on other people. 2. I need to be independent in order to survive. Fears: 1. Fear of abandonment (emotional, safety, phisical). To keep themselves safe they maintain space between themselves and their partner. They feel it as irritation/frustration/being trapped. 2. People come with a lot of pressure, expectation. Their solutions: 1. Work 2. Games 3. Food They prioritize this over their partner. They don't know what emotions they feel because they supress them. Because it triggers their feeling of rejection. Re-program: 0. Repetitively reprogram yourself (after wakeup and before going to bed). 1. Take inventory where you feel safe. (How do I have enough money, food, safety, home? Look for when it's enough.) You don't want to stay in the survival "fight or flight response" . Because then you are not flexible, you are rigid, you want to control. 2. Practice giving and notice that it feels great. (You were lacking resources and wanted to keep them to yourself, also with emotions and energy). Do it in small bits over time, but consciously and deliberately. (Give 1$, give time, give attention). You will do it and notice you still survive. 3. Reflect on how you come up in a relationship vs. How other people come up in relationships (also DA usually don't hear and shut down criticism). How do I want to be in a relationship? What is stopping me? 4. Value yourself daily. How you are good enough. Build that positive reinforcement. After that they will be more open to criticism and more open to giving. Self-validate.
See, I tend to be some type of avoidant which is absolutely DA at times.. but I have no problem giving and generally have no problem doing it. I feel better doing it. But I have this massive fear of abandonment which is fine at first. But when I don’t feel secure in a relationship or that my needs aren’t being met I wall up.... hard. My last relationship I actually made quite the effort to actually talk about both issues and about more personal stuff and got brushed off. This started a nose dive back into my DA ways. I don’t think that I’ve ever been called selfish but I am constantly in this flight or flight mode and usually flight wins... unless I really care about someone than I’m constantly at battle with myself to open up again but I also fear losing independence because at no point in my life have I ever been able to depend on someone else. It’s hard to describe.
@@jimmygee3219 wow! Thank you! It's really helpful to hear real-life feedback, as i've been struggling with someone's DA style. This video is actually genious!
Wow. This is me. And the examples you gave for programming were exactly my childhood. Emotionally distant father, caregiver mother, and high expectations from both. I have a hard time getting close. And tend to find myself in other things for emotional release. Wow. I never felt more understood and accepted than I have just watching this video. I'll have to bring this up in therapy and see what she thinks.
@@tedarcher9120 just thinking if any successful scientists or superior on their profession are DA as they successfully sublimated their repression into productive ways... and in the way it's not neccesarily a bad figure in our society but maybe in relationships..
Kristen, I wish you would share what led you to acknowledge this. Many of us with DA loved ones are desperate to know how they can arrive at this understanding without us telling them and risking triggering them.
This video has brought me to tears This is 101% me. My parents were very good people and I was free to talk to them but I have never confined in them any thing emotional nor to my friends and I always say to my self " you are all you have and everyone have their own problem they dont have time for you. So help them or don't add more problems to their life." I remember word to word these were the things I used to tell my self when I was a child and it grew on me. And I become too self sufficient.and I began the cycle of pushing people away when they get too close (even if I wanted it). And that also left me feel hate and guilt towards myself. Also I am pretty obsessed with fictions like really obsessed. I feel like it is the only way I could experience connection with people from a safe distance this also will leave me feeling like a coward.
I wish you would share what led you to acknowledge this. Many of us with DA loved ones are desperate to know how they can arrive at this understanding without us telling them and risking triggering them.
I withdraw emotionally and only show the fun, lovely side of myself. I always felt like there is a divide, because as much as I seem open I am not. I am warm, I am nice and fun but I would NOT let people IN. And not a lot of people know that they don’t actually know me. I just think this is none of anyone’s business, and at the same time, I do feel great sense of shame and fear of actually being emotionally receptive.
I spend half my life on TH-cam, looking for what's keeping me stuck. This channel is gold! As I learned to emotionally dissociate and generally disconnect from my authentic self, I feel like the key to everything is in these three very simple principles. th-cam.com/video/UUnRKf2CemA/w-d-xo.html
I relate way too much to this comment...i’ve been this exact same way my whole life it seems...I crave being in meaningful relationships so much, but am terrified of them at the same time.
I wish you would share what led you to acknowledge this. Many of us with DA loved ones are desperate to know how they can arrive at this understanding without us telling them and risking triggering them.
“Frustration, irritation, feeling trapped” stole the words right out of my mouth!! That’s exactly how i describe my first dating experience to myself and label it feeling caged or trapped!! And every time I’m worried or want to help my mom i feel frustrated and irritated by her need for help because I don’t depend on anybody for help so when I have to do it for her it’s like “damn do it yourself you’re annoying it’s so easy” and then I feel like shit because I don’t want to be frustrated her but it just internally comes out
My mom yells like a crazy person when she gets mad and she tends to say very hurtful things and never really takes responsibility for her behavior. Among the things she says to me is that I am selfish and this one in particular really gets to me because I am the complete opposite of a selfish person I just never knew how and why I felt that way. Now you're helping understand that I've been living in a deprivation state my entire life so it's natural for me to hold back my resources and appear selfish and closed off. The ironic thing is that the more I do it, the more it hurts me. Thank you, Thais, from the bottom of my heart. You're a big part of my healing process.
Kaz Kaffenberger I can relate so much to this, my mom does the exact same thing, to this day I can’t stand shouting and ppl telling me I am selfish for looking after myself when no one else is doing it
This is me described in the clearest way I have ever heard; and I've done lots of personal development work, am even a therapist myself. You are very good at the fine details in educating people. I am grateful to have found your channel.
When my partner says cute lovely things suggesting that he loves me and that i am lovable i literally get sick to my stomach and my heart races like that's the first reaction in my body even though consciously i might think "aaaw that's so cute i love him" my body just panics
wow thank you for confirming that I did not think it was me. I used to tell my partner that she was beautiful and how much I loved her and I have never witnessed such an uncomfortable response in all my life - confused the hell out of me
Wow yes I got really uncomfortable whenever my ex complimented me. I would dismiss it in my head so quickly. I would just think of my flaws and decide that they didn't know what they were talking about 😔
Compliments feel bad to me too, I get very upset when I’m praised, especially when I don’t feel it’s been earned at all, and as we all know every scrap of praise we get had to be earned
I have a hoarding disorder and found out it's rooted from a dismissive avoidant attachment to other people. The subconscious suppression of need for other people is replaced with clutter in order to feel surrounded.. Without having to share my surroundings and safe space with other humans. I have to heal my attachment disorder in order to cure the hoarding compulsive behaviors.
@@Alphacentauri819 Based on the spirit of your, third hand offense, and presumed intent on my part, and then what? What sort of heirarchy do I have to conform to have a view and post it, in your self elected thought policing? I'll not bother responding to you as if you are genuine,. Not with that bundle of disingenuity, emotional rhetoric and game playing. Oh, and I am just that, a complete stranger on the internet. Unpleasant, ignorant, rude and even histrionic people are allowed on here. Fancy that, eh?
Triggered Science is Science no matter where it comes from, Medical Professionals once laughed at the idea of using running water to clean hand before delivering babies. Medical institutions are always the last on the paradigm shifts.
That’s exactly how to articulate how I feel, except sometimes I feel like we’re not actually being selfish, we’re just trying to get what we need, but have been trained to be selfless / people pleasers to a fault
This is the first of your videos I have watched, but holy cow! This was the most in depth and correct analysis of dismissive-avoidant attachment and I really found it helpful. SUPER validating and very tangible ideas on how to heal. Excellent content, thank you so much!!
Generosity is not an area where I struggle with. I use it to make my friends happy in a way that I feel I fall short by keeping myself emotionally distant from others.
Omg this is literally me to a T. I just realized just how numb and emotionally repressed I have been in my life. Now that I'm not as numb nore self aware been in a very gray area
I wish you would share what led you to acknowledge this. Many of us with DA loved ones are desperate to know how they can arrive at this understanding without us telling them and risking triggering them.
It’s crazy how both anxious and dismissive avoidant attachments biggest fear is abandonment, rejection, etc yet the dismissive avoidant triggers that in the anxious attachment.
I want to point out that the anxious also triggers rejection and abandonment in the dismissive avoidant. It's a two way street and the anxious is kind of an expert at hurting the avoidant in the most precise hurtful ways that validate all their fears, and they most likely don't realize. Just like I had no idea me retreating and going no contact for a while was seen as a sing like I didn't care or that it could be so hurtful to an anxious person. I thought we all need our alone time to soothe and heal ourselves. Welp.. I was very wrong I now realize. And I see patterns the Anxious type repeats and I can't comprehend how they don't see how hurtful it is... I think it's insane these two attachment styles end up together so much they both seem designed to hurt the other in the worst possible ways.
Fractal Disarray I totally agree with you. Thank you for bringing that up. It’s very unfortunate that the two hurt each other so much, yet both want to love each other. Both attachments need a lot of self healing and putting in the work to dig deep and understand that they have these tendencies and how it’s unhealthy. But I’m sure as long as they individually work on themselves and try to understand each other and be more self aware of how they trigger each other, then there is a possibility of them becoming secure and working it out. It will take time but if a couple is meant to be then it will be. But I feel as though if there’s too much resistance from the two attachments then it’s best to separate to preventing hurting each other even more.
@@kitten0331 Yeah I think you said it perfectly, I absolutely agree. To make it work it really requires a ton of effort and patience towards oneself and each other!
@@SpriteoftheDnieper I'm not sure if links outside youtube work, but I wrote up something, in Reddit there is a subreddit called "attachment_theory"and there I tried to write a bit about that and my personal experience. It is called "how the anxious hurts the avoidant" or something along those lines, I hope it helps somewhat, I wrote it from a hurt PoV but I don't blame everything on the other person, we both messed up big time and hurt each other in ways we had no idea, I believe these two attachment styles downplay in a terrible way the struggles of the other and also expect the other person to read minds, even though they both come from completely different mindsets.. things each believe to be common sense are points of view the other has never even experienced before.
Thais, thank you so much for your videos. I have been watching them a lot the last few weeks & learning so much. I have been navigating the challenges that come with a relationship with a dismissive avoidant and these videos have helped me so much to focus on empathy rather than frustration. you are so knowledgeable and easy to listen to.
I didn't even realize that i had crossed over from anxious to avoidant in a matter of 2,3 years. so much denial for real. Slowly starting to warm up again.
I was in relationship with a dismissive avoidant for 2 yrs. I wish i knew about this before because it would have saved me a lot of heart break. We broke up but grateful that i can learn from it and implement this knowledge to my next relationship
Thank you for this video. I wish I discovered these videos before my relationship ended. Maybe it could have helped. I never even thought of myself as a DA before. My friends describe me as warm and loving. However, in this past relationship I realized just how much I pulled away and couldn't seem to maintain intimacy. My partner was so in love with me and I just couldn't even feel it. I'm 32 now and worried that I'll never be able to have a meaningful, long-lasting relationship.
I wish you would share what led you to acknowledge this. Many of us with DA loved ones are desperate to know how they can arrive at this understanding without us telling them and risking triggering them.
@@lakelvp I hit a low point in my life and I kind of had to face these hard truths. This was during the lock down and everything was going wrong in my life and my relationship was one of those. Then I realized I was alone and deeply depressed and didn't know how I got there so I kind of had to look inward.
Thank you. Been in a relationship with my boo for 5 years. We are 19-20 now. It has been difficult but we have true love. But this helps me understand so much about him.
I have spent 8 years on and off with a partner that fits this description to a T. I finally understand why he pushes me away. Thank you for this amazing and insightful video!
Super practical and in-depth explanation of dismissive avoidant attachment. It doesn’t feel too theoretical or academic. Clear explanation that can be applied in real world is what she’s delivering-I love it!! My ex had DAA but I didn’t have this info during my relationship. :( I am wondering if I could reconnect with my ex now that I have better knowledge of this attachment style.
I would love to see some content on how to validate someone or even ourselves. It seems easy but for some people like me is like a whole other language. I just don't know how to do it. And looking at your videos I might be fearful Avoidant when I thought I was anxious. 😕
7:00 you made me cry here... Now i kinda realize why my girlfriend used to say, i always keep some sort of a distance from her...even though i thought i was giving enough... I also think she has DPD ...
This is me and I don't want to be this. I want to have a healthy attachment. I am told I'm aloof but I don't feel aloof. Maybe I'm not very reactionary. Thanks for your videos.
I wish you would share what led you to acknowledge this. Many of us with DA loved ones are desperate to know how they can arrive at this understanding without us telling them and risking triggering them.
I keep coming back to this video to strengthen my core life relationship. So much great data here! Amazing to see everything reflected in all that we are discovering about our Selves~ 💜👍🏽
Thank you so much for all your videos, I have never felt so understood and accepted and even kinda hopeful that things could change. I relate to everything in this and other of your videos regarding the dismissive avoidant. I am trying to be more aware of myself but it's hard and I keep isolating myself when things get hard which is a lot of times because I have depression. Right now it's a bit hard to find the motivation and energy (I think I first have to tackle the depression because without a future, what's the point?) to take the right steps and I'm still very unsure and confused but I am so thankful to you for all this insight. I will try to practice the exercise about figuring out where I have enough resources I feel like that could be huge if I start believing and internalizing that. I don't think I can do the second one because I can't see myself in a relationship, I feel like the only thing I am good for is "an acquaintance". And the last one about validating yourself and your feelings, I am confused, isn't that like allowing myself to fall into the same unhealthy patterns? Because I might think "I am too overwhelmed and I need time for myself", but that's not a good thing because that hurts people. So how do you know you are validating the right things and not allowing the bad to take over and make things worse? I'm trying to get a job to save up and seek help, I will also check out the material in your website when I have the money! THANK YOU!!!
You are this way because your emotions, especially negative ones, were not validated by your parents. That negative response to our emotions keeps us from opening up now cause we're afraid we won't be loved by expressing them, this is why I feel we isolate when we're depressed. You have to meet all your emotions with love and compassion. Sometimes you really do need time to yourself. Explain to those around you that you need time. It great also if you have someone in your life that will validate with you and hold space for you to feel what ever it is and just be with it. All your emotions just want to be seen, felt, and loved exactly as they are, which is exactly what we wanted as children. I'm currently depressed and am isolating from my partner, and he's really good at giving me space when I need it, but this comment helped me see that I should talk to him and tell him more about why I feel the need to isolate.
Hi, thank you! You just described my wife in all aspects, what makes it worse is for me to be empathetic person, wish I knew this long ago. Thanks again 🤗
Do dismissive avoidants treat their partners like their caregivers? Example : Want them near but not necessarily next to or interacting with them often?
I feel exactly the way you described. I'm always approached by my partner when he needs something but not the other way around....he doesn't even cuddle with me anymore. 😞 I'm appreciated when I do him a favor but almost every time I ask for a favor he usually forgets. THAT hurts worse.
I’m working hard to ensure I’m dismissive avoidant to any romantic relationship. I’m pretty secure with family and friends which meets my needs. Having a partner is a soul sucking nightmare of icky intrusion and control, avoid, avoid, avoid
This was 100% the last guy I was seeing. This is so helpful. I really hope he stumbles on this content as it’s so introspective and advantageous to understand our patterns and why we respond the way we do
Interesting, my ex husband has said I am a narcissist. I would try to tell him it is more that I had to rely on myself so much that I think of myself first. I think this confirms that.
5:00 How ironic and cruel, the DA fears abandonment so they abandon anyone who actually gets close enough to them to activate their avoidant behavior… and the DA is also the one who pressures in the beginning and is attached, lustful, and eager to pursue until the tables turn and they start to feel pursued by reciprocation!! Such a dualistic, dichotomous mentality. Flip flop, black and white, no greys!
I really enjoy your videos! I know this is kind of a niche topic, but I'm wondering about why siblings would develop different attachment styles. I am a lot like my sister and we have basically the same upbringing, but she mostly relates to anxious attachment and I mostly relate to avoidant attachment. Why would the same environment cause such different reactions in two people? Thanks! Learn so much from your videos!
People change over years so their treatment to their children and that cause different attachment styles to develop, also the circumstances of living maybe differ over the years which cause the caregiver to change, you have been raised by the same parent but not necessarily have received the same treatment or lived the same circumstances
My partner is a DA. At first didn't want to open up, then he opened up and was so loving. Next day his closes off and running and avoiding. I don't know why? Even resign his work and want space but when we together he would take me in his arms but then push away. So confusing
wondering if any successful scientists or those who superior on their professions are DA as they successfully sublimated their repression into productive fields.. so wanna ask if there many cases of workaholics as DA
look this is true but being with a partner who doesn't want intimacy but doesn't want you to leave, but can even let you live somewhere else as long as it is not with someone else, so you end up living in this no-man land, literally. So you leave and fulfill their prophecy, and yours too. My only advice is to give them nothing it just encourages the reward fr the behavior and plan your escape as soon as you can, they're not bad their just not available, ever! It's simply not worth it. The best relationship is with yourself.
Hi, I have a question. How can a dismissive avoidant person can realize who is the appropriate partner for her. I've been chasing many avoidant men till I fell empty and emotionally exhausted. Now that I want to break free from this pattern, I realize I, myself am a dismissive avoidant with my actual partner and I am constantly questioning myself if he really makes me happy, since he is not challenging me like those one in the past.
Hi, I might have hurt the trust of a dismissive avoidant girl, i'm anxious and I tend to withdraw somethimes to think, during our relationship I got insecure and cold; the thing is, I still care about this person, and i'd like to know how to gain her trust again
@@Alphacentauri819 oh no :( it sounds so horrible because I can really imagine things developing that way. At least in moments when I am pessimistic and feel hopeless. Wish you the best
@@Alphacentauri819 gave incredible insight and hit the nail on the head. Putting aside people pleasing and prioritizing your own emotional health is so incredibly hard to do, especially once you have years of your life and children invested. If I could do it over again I would have waited until I found a partner with a secure attachment style so I could feel safe. Unfortunately anxious attachment types are attracted to dismissives so repeating the mistake is easy to do. My advice? Learn to be alone, to self soothe, to be selfish in healthy ways that help you learn to become emotionally self reliant before you make a choice to commit to a dismissive partner. That way if you do commit yourself you won't feel so hurt and unloved by the dismissives behavior and will be better at clearly stating and supporting your own personal boundaries.
I heard you say CAA in a video...Americans have AAA...so you're in Canada? There's another life coach I just found on TH-cam. She's in Vancouver...Irene Lyon.
@@tiaweidman Bless you. Your great love made me weep. Thank you for taking the time to answer her. It's the little things like that.. that are so very huge.
Jessica T. May you wake up and see the beauty of the sun, the clear jewel blue of the sky, the deep expanse of the stars... and know you have a place among them.
Rachel Anne Creamer aww, this is so lovely. Thank you. I feel that this is what so many people feel they need until they have the awakening that it’s within them and has been all along! ❤️
@@tiaweidman Same. I've just privately decided to move on with my life as a mom, from a place of compassion. He grew up with a very abusive, alcoholic, overbearing, narcissistic mother, and he loves to tell his friends that he chose me bc I'm the antithesis of her. The truth is, he didn't choose me at all lol. Our r-ship lasted 6 months & he decided he wanted out, so he moved 2 states away & we carried on a long distance relationship w/me covering every last dime of the expense & him cheating on me lol. I forgave him, moved in w/him, and w/every new chapter in life that unfolded - events that are supposed to bring people closer together - he just pulled further & further away. We are only together bc I consistently pursued him & offered to do the things he had no interest in doing (working full time & housework, and after I got pregnant, housework & childrearing). To the extent he "chose" to stay in our relationship, it was purely in an attempt to get everything he never got from his mother (doting on him every blue moon when he felt like being close, respecting his personal space & alone time (which is all the time), keeping the house for him, working full time so he could be unemployed, housekeeping, etc) and to get back at her vicariously through me by being a cold shoulder whenever I needed him, by lashing out at me whenever I wasn't perfect at cleaning, the way she always did w/him & by treating any attempt to coordinate our daily lives as if I was her just trying to control him, smother him, etc. I am so exhausted. I've come to realize this poor guy is beyond my help, and therefore, so is our relationship. Asking him to change, even for our son's sake, seems like another form of cruelty at this point. Our relationship is not only not worth fighting over, it's not even worth fighting FOR anymore. I just want peace for myself & my son, so that is the only goal I am going to pursue from now on, whatever that may look like, we'll see...
Early childhood experiences:
(Core wounds)
1. Emotional neglect
2. Phisical neglect (neglect of phisical needs, like food, clothing etc)
3. Sometimes parents push kids but don't support them. (Expect a lot)
So they come across as:
1. Selfish.
2.
Consequences:
1. I am unsafe in interdependency on other people.
2. I need to be independent in order to survive.
Fears:
1. Fear of abandonment (emotional, safety, phisical). To keep themselves safe they maintain space between themselves and their partner. They feel it as irritation/frustration/being trapped.
2. People come with a lot of pressure, expectation.
Their solutions:
1. Work
2. Games
3. Food
They prioritize this over their partner.
They don't know what emotions they feel because they supress them. Because it triggers their feeling of rejection.
Re-program:
0. Repetitively reprogram yourself (after wakeup and before going to bed).
1. Take inventory where you feel safe. (How do I have enough money, food, safety, home? Look for when it's enough.) You don't want to stay in the survival "fight or flight response" . Because then you are not flexible, you are rigid, you want to control.
2. Practice giving and notice that it feels great. (You were lacking resources and wanted to keep them to yourself, also with emotions and energy). Do it in small bits over time, but consciously and deliberately.
(Give 1$, give time, give attention). You will do it and notice you still survive.
3. Reflect on how you come up in a relationship vs. How other people come up in relationships (also DA usually don't hear and shut down criticism). How do I want to be in a relationship? What is stopping me?
4. Value yourself daily. How you are good enough. Build that positive reinforcement. After that they will be more open to criticism and more open to giving. Self-validate.
avgonyma1 this is brilliant and so accurate
@@lubnash8545 thank you!
Thank you!!
See, I tend to be some type of avoidant which is absolutely DA at times.. but I have no problem giving and generally have no problem doing it. I feel better doing it. But I have this massive fear of abandonment which is fine at first. But when I don’t feel secure in a relationship or that my needs aren’t being met I wall up.... hard. My last relationship I actually made quite the effort to actually talk about both issues and about more personal stuff and got brushed off. This started a nose dive back into my DA ways. I don’t think that I’ve ever been called selfish but I am constantly in this flight or flight mode and usually flight wins... unless I really care about someone than I’m constantly at battle with myself to open up again but I also fear losing independence because at no point in my life have I ever been able to depend on someone else. It’s hard to describe.
@@jimmygee3219 wow! Thank you! It's really helpful to hear real-life feedback, as i've been struggling with someone's DA style.
This video is actually genious!
This video brings me to tears. It’s unearthing memories I didn’t know I had and it’s painful to confront these.
Wow. This is me. And the examples you gave for programming were exactly my childhood. Emotionally distant father, caregiver mother, and high expectations from both. I have a hard time getting close. And tend to find myself in other things for emotional release. Wow. I never felt more understood and accepted than I have just watching this video. I'll have to bring this up in therapy and see what she thinks.
Exactly me too. I was also a huge book worm in my childhood, and later turned into gaming addict
@@tedarcher9120 just thinking if any successful scientists or superior on their profession are DA as they successfully sublimated their repression into productive ways... and in the way it's not neccesarily a bad figure in our society but maybe in relationships..
Kristen, I wish you would share what led you to acknowledge this. Many of us with DA loved ones are desperate to know how they can arrive at this understanding without us telling them and risking triggering them.
This video has brought me to tears This is 101% me. My parents were very good people and I was free to talk to them but I have never confined in them any thing emotional nor to my friends and I always say to my self " you are all you have and everyone have their own problem they dont have time for you. So help them or don't add more problems to their life." I remember word to word these were the things I used to tell my self when I was a child and it grew on me. And I become too self sufficient.and I began the cycle of pushing people away when they get too close (even if I wanted it). And that also left me feel hate and guilt towards myself. Also I am pretty obsessed with fictions like really obsessed. I feel like it is the only way I could experience connection with people from a safe distance this also will leave me feeling like a coward.
I wish you would share what led you to acknowledge this. Many of us with DA loved ones are desperate to know how they can arrive at this understanding without us telling them and risking triggering them.
I withdraw emotionally and only show the fun, lovely side of myself. I always felt like there is a divide, because as much as I seem open I am not. I am warm, I am nice and fun but I would NOT let people IN. And not a lot of people know that they don’t actually know me. I just think this is none of anyone’s business, and at the same time, I do feel great sense of shame and fear of actually being emotionally receptive.
I spend half my life on TH-cam, looking for what's keeping me stuck. This channel is gold!
As I learned to emotionally dissociate and generally disconnect from my authentic self, I feel like the key to everything is in these three very simple principles. th-cam.com/video/UUnRKf2CemA/w-d-xo.html
I relate way too much to this comment...i’ve been this exact same way my whole life it seems...I crave being in meaningful relationships so much, but am terrified of them at the same time.
I wish you would share what led you to acknowledge this. Many of us with DA loved ones are desperate to know how they can arrive at this understanding without us telling them and risking triggering them.
“Frustration, irritation, feeling trapped” stole the words right out of my mouth!! That’s exactly how i describe my first dating experience to myself and label it feeling caged or trapped!! And every time I’m worried or want to help my mom i feel frustrated and irritated by her need for help because I don’t depend on anybody for help so when I have to do it for her it’s like “damn do it yourself you’re annoying it’s so easy” and then I feel like shit because I don’t want to be frustrated her but it just internally comes out
My mom yells like a crazy person when she gets mad and she tends to say very hurtful things and never really takes responsibility for her behavior. Among the things she says to me is that I am selfish and this one in particular really gets to me because I am the complete opposite of a selfish person I just never knew how and why I felt that way. Now you're helping understand that I've been living in a deprivation state my entire life so it's natural for me to hold back my resources and appear selfish and closed off. The ironic thing is that the more I do it, the more it hurts me.
Thank you, Thais, from the bottom of my heart. You're a big part of my healing process.
Kaz Kaffenberger I can relate so much to this, my mom does the exact same thing, to this day I can’t stand shouting and ppl telling me I am selfish for looking after myself when no one else is doing it
Kaz Kaffenberger she’s the best person on TH-cam when it comes to Avoidant attachment style
same here
Same here
Sounds like she's projecting her character onto you. Look up narcissistic abuse, it helped me.
This is me described in the clearest way I have ever heard; and I've done lots of personal development work, am even a therapist myself. You are very good at the fine details in educating people. I am grateful to have found your channel.
Double spaced?...
It's sadly ironic that their coping mechanism for neglect just causes more neglect from most people.
All coping mechanisms work like that.
Hence why it's pervasive enough to categorize an entire subset of 7 billion people
As a result they end up neglecting others
It’s all you know....
When my partner says cute lovely things suggesting that he loves me and that i am lovable i literally get sick to my stomach and my heart races like that's the first reaction in my body even though consciously i might think "aaaw that's so cute i love him" my body just panics
wow thank you for confirming that I did not think it was me. I used to tell my partner that she was beautiful and how much I loved her and I have never witnessed such an uncomfortable response in all my life - confused the hell out of me
Wow yes I got really uncomfortable whenever my ex complimented me. I would dismiss it in my head so quickly. I would just think of my flaws and decide that they didn't know what they were talking about 😔
Compliments feel bad to me too, I get very upset when I’m praised, especially when I don’t feel it’s been earned at all, and as we all know every scrap of praise we get had to be earned
I have a hoarding disorder and found out it's rooted from a dismissive avoidant attachment to other people. The subconscious suppression of need for other people is replaced with clutter in order to feel surrounded.. Without having to share my surroundings and safe space with other humans. I have to heal my attachment disorder in order to cure the hoarding compulsive behaviors.
@@Alphacentauri819 Might not be aspergers at all. Those symptoms/behaviours can look like both.
@@Alphacentauri819 Based on the spirit of your, third hand offense, and presumed intent on my part, and then what? What sort of heirarchy do I have to conform to have a view and post it, in your self elected thought policing?
I'll not bother responding to you as if you are genuine,. Not with that bundle of disingenuity, emotional rhetoric and game playing.
Oh, and I am just that, a complete stranger on the internet. Unpleasant, ignorant, rude and even histrionic people are allowed on here. Fancy that, eh?
Triggered
Science is Science no matter where it comes from, Medical Professionals once laughed at the idea of using running water to clean hand before delivering babies. Medical institutions are always the last on the paradigm shifts.
How are you now? Have you been able to change it?
This explains why I'm selfish a lot of the time even though I'm empathetic.
I'm starting to realize I'm the same.
That’s exactly how to articulate how I feel, except sometimes I feel like we’re not actually being selfish, we’re just trying to get what we need, but have been trained to be selfless / people pleasers to a fault
It seems you are the only one on youtube by now going that deep into this topic. Thank you so much for helping me to better understand myself.
This is the first of your videos I have watched, but holy cow! This was the most in depth and correct analysis of dismissive-avoidant attachment and I really found it helpful. SUPER validating and very tangible ideas on how to heal. Excellent content, thank you so much!!
Generosity is not an area where I struggle with. I use it to make my friends happy in a way that I feel I fall short by keeping myself emotionally distant from others.
But the problem is not giving - the problem is when you give and give and give and get nothing back but expectations.
Omg this is literally me to a T. I just realized just how numb and emotionally repressed I have been in my life. Now that I'm not as numb nore self aware been in a very gray area
I wish you would share what led you to acknowledge this. Many of us with DA loved ones are desperate to know how they can arrive at this understanding without us telling them and risking triggering them.
Emotional expression = rejection you nailed it when you said that
always wondered why i seemingly suddenly develop a resentment for the other in a relationship...
It’s crazy how both anxious and dismissive avoidant attachments biggest fear is abandonment, rejection, etc yet the dismissive avoidant triggers that in the anxious attachment.
I want to point out that the anxious also triggers rejection and abandonment in the dismissive avoidant. It's a two way street and the anxious is kind of an expert at hurting the avoidant in the most precise hurtful ways that validate all their fears, and they most likely don't realize.
Just like I had no idea me retreating and going no contact for a while was seen as a sing like I didn't care or that it could be so hurtful to an anxious person. I thought we all need our alone time to soothe and heal ourselves. Welp.. I was very wrong I now realize. And I see patterns the Anxious type repeats and I can't comprehend how they don't see how hurtful it is... I think it's insane these two attachment styles end up together so much they both seem designed to hurt the other in the worst possible ways.
Fractal Disarray I totally agree with you. Thank you for bringing that up. It’s very unfortunate that the two hurt each other so much, yet both want to love each other. Both attachments need a lot of self healing and putting in the work to dig deep and understand that they have these tendencies and how it’s unhealthy. But I’m sure as long as they individually work on themselves and try to understand each other and be more self aware of how they trigger each other, then there is a possibility of them becoming secure and working it out. It will take time but if a couple is meant to be then it will be. But I feel as though if there’s too much resistance from the two attachments then it’s best to separate to preventing hurting each other even more.
@@kitten0331 Yeah I think you said it perfectly, I absolutely agree. To make it work it really requires a ton of effort and patience towards oneself and each other!
@@fractaldisarray1518 how do the anxious hurt the avoidant? Can give some examples, please?
@@SpriteoftheDnieper I'm not sure if links outside youtube work, but I wrote up something, in Reddit there is a subreddit called "attachment_theory"and there I tried to write a bit about that and my personal experience. It is called "how the anxious hurts the avoidant" or something along those lines, I hope it helps somewhat, I wrote it from a hurt PoV but I don't blame everything on the other person, we both messed up big time and hurt each other in ways we had no idea, I believe these two attachment styles downplay in a terrible way the struggles of the other and also expect the other person to read minds, even though they both come from completely different mindsets.. things each believe to be common sense are points of view the other has never even experienced before.
Thais, thank you so much for your videos. I have been watching them a lot the last few weeks & learning so much. I have been navigating the challenges that come with a relationship with a dismissive avoidant and these videos have helped me so much to focus on empathy rather than frustration. you are so knowledgeable and easy to listen to.
I didn't even realize that i had crossed over from anxious to avoidant in a matter of 2,3 years. so much denial for real. Slowly starting to warm up again.
I was in relationship with a dismissive avoidant for 2 yrs. I wish i knew about this before because it would have saved me a lot of heart break. We broke up but grateful that i can learn from it and implement this knowledge to my next relationship
This is a fantastic video if you’re a dismissive avoidant. Thanks for posting!
Thank you for this video. I wish I discovered these videos before my relationship ended. Maybe it could have helped. I never even thought of myself as a DA before. My friends describe me as warm and loving. However, in this past relationship I realized just how much I pulled away and couldn't seem to maintain intimacy. My partner was so in love with me and I just couldn't even feel it. I'm 32 now and worried that I'll never be able to have a meaningful, long-lasting relationship.
I wish you would share what led you to acknowledge this. Many of us with DA loved ones are desperate to know how they can arrive at this understanding without us telling them and risking triggering them.
@@lakelvp I hit a low point in my life and I kind of had to face these hard truths. This was during the lock down and everything was going wrong in my life and my relationship was one of those. Then I realized I was alone and deeply depressed and didn't know how I got there so I kind of had to look inward.
Im sure this was an amazing 2019 Valentine’s Day gift for some folks who really needed this!
Thank you. Been in a relationship with my boo for 5 years. We are 19-20 now. It has been difficult but we have true love. But this helps me understand so much about him.
I have spent 8 years on and off with a partner that fits this description to a T. I finally understand why he pushes me away. Thank you for this amazing and insightful video!
I lived 26 years and I never felt so understood!!!
Super practical and in-depth explanation of dismissive avoidant attachment. It doesn’t feel too theoretical or academic. Clear explanation that can be applied in real world is what she’s delivering-I love it!! My ex had DAA but I didn’t have this info during my relationship. :( I am wondering if I could reconnect with my ex now that I have better knowledge of this attachment style.
(Single mother + physical needs met) - (narcissistic sister + mother's emotional neglect) = dismissive attachment style (Me).
I would love to see some content on how to validate someone or even ourselves. It seems easy but for some people like me is like a whole other language. I just don't know how to do it. And looking at your videos I might be fearful Avoidant when I thought I was anxious. 😕
7:00 you made me cry here...
Now i kinda realize why my girlfriend used to say, i always keep some sort of a distance from her...even though i thought i was giving enough...
I also think she has DPD ...
This is just gold. So so helpful.
I wish your videos came in different translations and languages too. Your videos are so helpful and life changing that they would have global impact!
Love the Personal Development School and All you are giving Thais. Blessings to You!
Are you a therapist or psychologist?
You described my attachment style pretty well
This is me and I don't want to be this. I want to have a healthy attachment. I am told I'm aloof but I don't feel aloof. Maybe I'm not very reactionary.
Thanks for your videos.
I wish you would share what led you to acknowledge this. Many of us with DA loved ones are desperate to know how they can arrive at this understanding without us telling them and risking triggering them.
I keep coming back to this video to strengthen my core life relationship. So much great data here! Amazing to see everything reflected in all that we are discovering about our Selves~ 💜👍🏽
Thank You for throwing some light on these attributes 🦋 Lot's of love
Thank you for helping me to understand myself.
Thank you so much for all your videos, I have never felt so understood and accepted and even kinda hopeful that things could change. I relate to everything in this and other of your videos regarding the dismissive avoidant. I am trying to be more aware of myself but it's hard and I keep isolating myself when things get hard which is a lot of times because I have depression.
Right now it's a bit hard to find the motivation and energy (I think I first have to tackle the depression because without a future, what's the point?) to take the right steps and I'm still very unsure and confused but I am so thankful to you for all this insight. I will try to practice the exercise about figuring out where I have enough resources I feel like that could be huge if I start believing and internalizing that. I don't think I can do the second one because I can't see myself in a relationship, I feel like the only thing I am good for is "an acquaintance". And the last one about validating yourself and your feelings, I am confused, isn't that like allowing myself to fall into the same unhealthy patterns? Because I might think "I am too overwhelmed and I need time for myself", but that's not a good thing because that hurts people. So how do you know you are validating the right things and not allowing the bad to take over and make things worse? I'm trying to get a job to save up and seek help, I will also check out the material in your website when I have the money! THANK YOU!!!
You are this way because your emotions, especially negative ones, were not validated by your parents. That negative response to our emotions keeps us from opening up now cause we're afraid we won't be loved by expressing them, this is why I feel we isolate when we're depressed. You have to meet all your emotions with love and compassion. Sometimes you really do need time to yourself. Explain to those around you that you need time. It great also if you have someone in your life that will validate with you and hold space for you to feel what ever it is and just be with it. All your emotions just want to be seen, felt, and loved exactly as they are, which is exactly what we wanted as children. I'm currently depressed and am isolating from my partner, and he's really good at giving me space when I need it, but this comment helped me see that I should talk to him and tell him more about why I feel the need to isolate.
Wonderful talk
Pretty accurate I would think, but the enthusiasm in you tone also makes it very interesting :)
Thank you very much, you are so informative on the subject I never fully understood the whole attachment theory but I finally have a handle on it now.
Hi, thank you! You just described my wife in all aspects, what makes it worse is for me to be empathetic person, wish I knew this long ago.
Thanks again 🤗
You’re so beautiful! Thank you for your wonderful content.
This woman knows me more than I know myself 😂
You've described almost every traditional Asian family 😂😂😂.
Spot on description of my partner. You know your stuff.
Nailed it! Thank you so much, will be ingesting more of your content.
Amazing ! i have learnt so much
Do dismissive avoidants treat their partners like their caregivers? Example : Want them near but not necessarily next to or interacting with them often?
I feel exactly the way you described. I'm always approached by my partner when he needs something but not the other way around....he doesn't even cuddle with me anymore. 😞 I'm appreciated when I do him a favor but almost every time I ask for a favor he usually forgets. THAT hurts worse.
Yes unfortunately
Wow another gem and wealth of information. Appreciate what you do for others! 🙌🙏
I’m working hard to ensure I’m dismissive avoidant to any romantic relationship. I’m pretty secure with family and friends which meets my needs. Having a partner is a soul sucking nightmare of icky intrusion and control, avoid, avoid, avoid
Amazing. You are really smart. Thank u for this video.
This was 100% the last guy I was seeing. This is so helpful. I really hope he stumbles on this content as it’s so introspective and advantageous to understand our patterns and why we respond the way we do
just share a link to this with him. so he don't have to stumble :-)
Totally seeing myself.
Yes BUT it doesn't have to be early childhood. Trauma rewires the brain at any stage of life.
♥️♥️♥️ I absolutely adore you!
Very good and enlightening
Interesting, my ex husband has said I am a narcissist. I would try to tell him it is more that I had to rely on myself so much that I think of myself first. I think this confirms that.
5:00 How ironic and cruel, the DA fears abandonment so they abandon anyone who actually gets close enough to them to activate their avoidant behavior… and the DA is also the one who pressures in the beginning and is attached, lustful, and eager to pursue until the tables turn and they start to feel pursued by reciprocation!! Such a dualistic, dichotomous mentality. Flip flop, black and white, no greys!
Really appreciate this info, thank you!
I really enjoy your videos! I know this is kind of a niche topic, but I'm wondering about why siblings would develop different attachment styles. I am a lot like my sister and we have basically the same upbringing, but she mostly relates to anxious attachment and I mostly relate to avoidant attachment. Why would the same environment cause such different reactions in two people? Thanks! Learn so much from your videos!
People change over years so their treatment to their children and that cause different attachment styles to develop, also the circumstances of living maybe differ over the years which cause the caregiver to change, you have been raised by the same parent but not necessarily have received the same treatment or lived the same circumstances
My partner is a DA. At first didn't want to open up, then he opened up and was so loving. Next day his closes off and running and avoiding. I don't know why? Even resign his work and want space but when we together he would take me in his arms but then push away. So confusing
letter by letter me and my "family" dynamics.
How can one self validate if they don't even like themselves? How can a person begin to even like who they are?
“Radical Acceptance” is a great book that helped me. Very soothing.
The horrible thing is that I try to research this to fix it yet I still live in my abusive household at the age of 14 and it gets worse everyday
wondering if any successful scientists or those who superior on their professions are DA as they successfully sublimated their repression into productive fields.. so wanna ask if there many cases of workaholics as DA
look this is true but being with a partner who doesn't want intimacy but doesn't want you to leave, but can even let you live somewhere else as long as it is not with someone else, so you end up living in this no-man land, literally. So you leave and fulfill their prophecy, and yours too. My only advice is to give them nothing it just encourages the reward fr the behavior and plan your escape as soon as you can, they're not bad their just not available, ever! It's simply not worth it. The best relationship is with yourself.
Hi, I have a question. How can a dismissive avoidant person can realize who is the appropriate partner for her. I've been chasing many avoidant men till I fell empty and emotionally exhausted. Now that I want to break free from this pattern, I realize I, myself am a dismissive avoidant with my actual partner and I am constantly questioning myself if he really makes me happy, since he is not challenging me like those one in the past.
wow, thats precisley how things were in my family :o
Finding themselves in other things - or if they were learning disabled they dissociate - future mental patients.
Probably that's why i usually take good care of my stuff maybe I am unconsciously scared of loosing them and not having them to use.
Hi, I might have hurt the trust of a dismissive avoidant girl, i'm anxious and I tend to withdraw somethimes to think, during our relationship I got insecure and cold; the thing is, I still care about this person, and i'd like to know how to gain her trust again
Great educational videos. THANKS so much. At 11min taking about sensing an unsafe state do these people bite their nails down to the onion?
Great video, Thais. Do you think it is possible to nurture a healthy relationship with an individual like this?
I mean, make marriage plans etc?
@@Alphacentauri819 oh no :( it sounds so horrible because I can really imagine things developing that way. At least in moments when I am pessimistic and feel hopeless. Wish you the best
@@Alphacentauri819 gave incredible insight and hit the nail on the head. Putting aside people pleasing and prioritizing your own emotional health is so incredibly hard to do, especially once you have years of your life and children invested.
If I could do it over again I would have waited until I found a partner with a secure attachment style so I could feel safe. Unfortunately anxious attachment types are attracted to dismissives so repeating the mistake is easy to do.
My advice? Learn to be alone, to self soothe, to be selfish in healthy ways that help you learn to become emotionally self reliant before you make a choice to commit to a dismissive partner.
That way if you do commit yourself you won't feel so hurt and unloved by the dismissives behavior and will be better at clearly stating and supporting your own personal boundaries.
I am a bit of hoarder/collector as well as OCD about my possessions. I don't know how to interpret this behaviour?
So accurate wow
I heard you say CAA in a video...Americans have AAA...so you're in Canada?
There's another life coach I just found on TH-cam. She's in Vancouver...Irene Lyon.
I have BPD on top of this . I feel like I’m dying inside .
How are you? Just saw this comment. I hope you are ok.
@@tiaweidman
Bless you.
Your great love made me weep. Thank you for taking the time to answer her. It's the little things like that.. that are so very huge.
Jessica T. May you wake up and see the beauty of the sun, the clear jewel blue of the sky, the deep expanse of the stars... and know you have a place among them.
Rachel Anne Creamer aww, this is so lovely. Thank you. I feel that this is what so many people feel they need until they have the awakening that it’s within them and has been all along! ❤️
I wish my ex was open to learn about attachment trauma. 😞
Taryn101 I wish my mom was.
Mya Michelle my mother denies the notion that my upbringing effected my life. It’s like continued invalidation.
Taryn101 SAME!!!!!!! she refuses to acknowledge it.
I wish my husband was. I don’t know how our family can be happy unless he does.
@@tiaweidman Same. I've just privately decided to move on with my life as a mom, from a place of compassion. He grew up with a very abusive, alcoholic, overbearing, narcissistic mother, and he loves to tell his friends that he chose me bc I'm the antithesis of her. The truth is, he didn't choose me at all lol. Our r-ship lasted 6 months & he decided he wanted out, so he moved 2 states away & we carried on a long distance relationship w/me covering every last dime of the expense & him cheating on me lol. I forgave him, moved in w/him, and w/every new chapter in life that unfolded - events that are supposed to bring people closer together - he just pulled further & further away. We are only together bc I consistently pursued him & offered to do the things he had no interest in doing (working full time & housework, and after I got pregnant, housework & childrearing). To the extent he "chose" to stay in our relationship, it was purely in an attempt to get everything he never got from his mother (doting on him every blue moon when he felt like being close, respecting his personal space & alone time (which is all the time), keeping the house for him, working full time so he could be unemployed, housekeeping, etc) and to get back at her vicariously through me by being a cold shoulder whenever I needed him, by lashing out at me whenever I wasn't perfect at cleaning, the way she always did w/him & by treating any attempt to coordinate our daily lives as if I was her just trying to control him, smother him, etc. I am so exhausted. I've come to realize this poor guy is beyond my help, and therefore, so is our relationship. Asking him to change, even for our son's sake, seems like another form of cruelty at this point. Our relationship is not only not worth fighting over, it's not even worth fighting FOR anymore. I just want peace for myself & my son, so that is the only goal I am going to pursue from now on, whatever that may look like, we'll see...
You said collaborate when talking about helping dismissive avoidant people, can you elaborate on what you think?
equilibrate*
Is it the sound or your voice? It sound cracking
2:44
Sounds like me......the anxious
Breaking up with my DA ex was the best thing. Too selfish. Selfishness is the biggest turnoff
Dear Thais: Please stop using your magic mirror to take examples from my life!
(future scapegoats)
Thank you so much 🤍🫶🏼 I feel seen and understood and have hope my core wounds can be reprogrammed. 🥹🙏🏼