As a child I was given a "care award" at my school 2x. - Now in hind sight, I was given an award for caring about everyone, while almost no one cared about me. An award for being codependent, for overly feeling the suffering of others.
When I volunteered for the special Olympics in 3rd grade we had to help our buddy with whatever they couldn’t do for themselves as a result of their disability. As a result of the help I was giving my teacher told me I would be a good maid. It’s unfortunate the things teachers say/ insinuate but do nothing about.
I was educated to be care giver since I was young. After I grow up, I realized people do not appreciate my efforts. When I stopped giving 100%, people get mad. I broke down after and went to therapy. I learned that I was really rude to myself and I need to learn putting myself first and block people who do not respect me.
This really spoke to me. As I turned 30 I realized alot has to change in my life. I'm natural giver and I'm naturally very kind hearted but I have noticed that I never get the same in return , I over extend myself and drop things for loved ones all the time but when it comes to me hardly anyone is there. My mindset has completely changed and I've noticed the need is to feel excepted and to be seen and loved. I need to start to loving me and putting myself first for once in my life. These situations have occured alot of times in my life, throughout friendships and relationships and it has to stop.
Terri, Thank you ever so much for speaking on the codependency topic. Your books and You Tube videos have changed my life after many, many years of struggling but pretending I was okay. Everything you speak to, I completely relate to.
I grew up in a violent home. My mother would fawn over my father to try and limit the violence. I learned to do the exact same behaviors. It seemed to work for me for a long time, until I was giving so much, with young children, aging parents, aging in-laws, and a covert Narc husband with a severe gambling problem. There was one particular day when I hit the wall and realized that I could no longer continue to do what was doing. I was physically and mentally exhausted. I had been to a doctor and explained my bad marriage. I was prescribed anti-anxiety meds, sleeping pills, and an anti-depressant. What I really needed was a divorce. As I tried to change the dynamics in my relationships, I learned that the people that I loved and thought loved me, became very angry when I started saying "NO". I still struggle with how to say no to people without them becoming enraged at me and insulting me. There seems to be some sort of unwritten agreement that people think they have with me, where I am not allowed to say "NO". I just experienced this with a girlfriend 2 days ago and she blew up at me. I am at a loss.
The Brownie story I recall very much and find you are accurate. I found one of their books at Goodwill and reread it. Stop over giving and over doing and you will see who is really in your circle. This video is very helpful to me. Thank you.
I found you after looking for information about daughters of narcissistic mothers. Found lots of insight in that one. This one is equally good. I see the connection of always having to step softly and agree with my mother and her competitiveness with me and my needing to give too much now in my life. Working on self love in therapy. Finding it all so connected. All trails lead to my early childhood and my Mom. She died when I was 14 and it was such a relief but I also felt lost. No purpose. A lifetime of unhealthy relationships behind me, I’m finally releasing all those chains
I have a new spin on codependency that seems to feel more accurate and would welcome your thoughts Terry. This came from my own therapist, and she said that codependency should actually exist in a marriage-- that it's normal for two people to mesh on a certain level, AND it is more accurate to acknowledge this and refer to it as range of unhealthy or healthy manifestations. It does seem that humans naturally co-depend but that our place on the range scale is healthy or not.
Terri, you nailed this. SO much freedom and liberation in understanding these maladaptive patterns in relationships. Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom!
I am new l have just discovered your videos. I am not very good at having boundaries and I always put other people's needs before my own. I am 42 and I want to meet someone and have a family and am upset that it maybe too late. My Mum is 85 and muddled (she has hyperparathyroidism and is waiting for a second operation) and my brother and sister see me as the main carer for Mum. They do very little and their reasoning is that they have children and I don't. My mum never used to be very loving but since she has become muddled and also older she is lovely and nice to look after. She doesn't need personal care. What my issue is is that my brother and sister don't do their share and if they did then I would have time to have a life also. The worst example is last week my mum started with covid and I asked my brother if he would come to help so that I could go back to my house for just one night but he wouldn't come as he said he couldn't risk him and his family getting it (yet they have all had it before and he's vaccinated etc). I feel resentment as he's not bothered about my health, I caught covid from my mum and have been looking after her whilst I am ill. I have no resentment towards looking after my mum, I will always look after her. I just want some help off my brother and sister. Many thanks x
I thought after going to therapy for six years I figured it all out and then I started this TH-cam channel out of boredom I did really enjoy it but then I started to do more and more and give and give and then now I’m just burned out angry and resentful lol realizing I did it all to myself. Now people are expecting more from me and I even told my subscribers I don’t have to work I manifested a life where I don’t have to work and I just started enjoying my retirement last year I have way more work to do than I thought lol
I see you ❤️ I recognized (after the fact) that it was on me, too. When I was a talent agent I kept over-giving, over-doing, and over-functioning. I kept wondering why everyone just expected me to handle things. Eventually I realized it was up to ME to set limits for myself. No one else was going to do it for me. Taking radical responsibility is the first step. You got this. ❤️ And honor your anger and resentment!
When you said not just to get a new hand but to make up a new game, it reminded me of "Calvin and Hobbes." Want my life to be Calvinball! Focus on having fun and feeling good, not on winning or losing
I often feel like I should do something if a friend or coworker has a problem... and I also take for granted that people expect it from me... colleagues or friends have pointed it out to me which was helpful xxx
Thank you so much for sharing your personal experience with this matter because I felt some shame as if something was wrong with me, I assumed I was in the minority of people who struggle with this lol thank you so much for sharing and being vulnerable.
“I don’t like this hand, I even don’t like this game!” What a great metaphor! We can choose - we don’t have to stay stuck in old games… This was SO helpful for me. I saw clearly that as codependent I have a great deal of responsibility as to how I over give and over function. I can’t blame others that take my offers, I have to stop serving them what I don’t want to give. Thank you Terri 😘 And by the way, I am halfway through your absolutely fantastic book Boundary Boss- I LOVE IT! ❤️
Dear Terri, Thank you so much for your informative videos. I am going through a lot in my relationship and I am discovering myself with your videos 😮😊.
Hi Terri! Your video made me cry, it spoke to me so loud and clear. Thanks for doing the work that you do. Your book BB was a huge eye opener for me. But I still need more to learn and change my habits. Looking forward to this.
Thank you so much Terri… I bought your Book - It is soooo helpful & great!! I think you are wonderful!!! I have learned soooo much!! My life is so much better since I can say … NO!!! Thanks again! Much appreciated 🥰
Thank you so much I have know this for years but i stll behave in this way. I enjoyed your talk because it was presented in such a way that help understand it a bit further and also a bit better how to change this. Love all you talks
Thanks Terri for this video and your work. I LOVE the whole video, but, really LOVE your statements towards the end. They are so EMPOWERING! Questioning 'is this the way it is'? And, WHY does your life have to be this way? Great stuff, Terri. Thank you! 🙌💞🙏
Hi Terri, I am so grateful to have just discovered your work through one of Lee Harris’s wonderful ‘Impact The World’ interviews with you. Thank you Terri! I am learning so much from watching your videos. 💕
It is hard for me to allow people to give because they are never upfront about what they want in exchange, and I don't want to be put in a bind. Like the example of the Taxi man carrying a heavy bag, he may want an extra tip. Do I have the money at that tims to give him? Basically, I don't want to owe him.
I see you and feel you ❤️ I am a fan of clear expectations. Perhaps, in the case of the taxi driver, you could simply say, "Oh, I'd love help with that, but I don't have any cash on me to tip." If they say no problem, then it's not yours to worry about. We have to be discerning about what is on our side of the street and what is on other people's side of the street. Sometimes, people don't voice their expectations. If you're in doubt, you can ask and give them the opportunity to share, but beyond that, it is not our worry to carry. I know that can be difficult if people aren't emotionally trustworthy, though. ❤️
Hi Deborah - have you downloaded the guide for this episode? There are two inventories in there that can help you be aware of how much you may be overgiving: www.terricole.com/stop-overgiving-guide/
Hi Terri. I am 73-yrs old and have all these traits of co-dependency. Would your course be for me even if I am at 73? I need some kind of relief from trying to be there for everyone else and not being here for Mr. I never take time for me. Thank you. I receive your emails. I need these emails.
Hi there- I'm not sure what you're referring to, but I think it is always worth having a conversation about the state of a relationship and going over what is working, what isn't working, and what could be better. ❤️
As a child I was given a "care award" at my school 2x. - Now in hind sight, I was given an award for caring about everyone, while almost no one cared about me. An award for being codependent, for overly feeling the suffering of others.
When I volunteered for the special Olympics in 3rd grade we had to help our buddy with whatever they couldn’t do for themselves as a result of their disability. As a result of the help I was giving my teacher told me I would be a good maid.
It’s unfortunate the things teachers say/ insinuate but do nothing about.
I was educated to be care giver since I was young. After I grow up, I realized people do not appreciate my efforts. When I stopped giving 100%, people get mad. I broke down after and went to therapy. I learned that I was really rude to myself and I need to learn putting myself first and block people who do not respect me.
I'm so glad you sought out therapy and got the help you needed ❤️❤️
I'm a 57-year old Tunisian woman and l think you are amazing. You're talking about me
This really spoke to me. As I turned 30 I realized alot has to change in my life. I'm natural giver and I'm naturally very kind hearted but I have noticed that I never get the same in return , I over extend myself and drop things for loved ones all the time but when it comes to me hardly anyone is there. My mindset has completely changed and I've noticed the need is to feel excepted and to be seen and loved. I need to start to loving me and putting myself first for once in my life.
These situations have occured alot of times in my life, throughout friendships and relationships and it has to stop.
“people can become projects”…this is huge.
Terri, Thank you ever so much for speaking on the codependency topic. Your books and You Tube videos have changed my life after many, many years of struggling but pretending I was okay. Everything you speak to, I completely relate to.
Wow, thank you!
Thank you so much for this video Terri. It really helps me to understand my codependency andI really want to heal from it.
Glad it was helpful!
I grew up in a violent home. My mother would fawn over my father to try and limit the violence. I learned to do the exact same behaviors. It seemed to work for me for a long time, until I was giving so much, with young children, aging parents, aging in-laws, and a covert Narc husband with a severe gambling problem. There was one particular day when I hit the wall and realized that I could no longer continue to do what was doing. I was physically and mentally exhausted. I had been to a doctor and explained my bad marriage. I was prescribed anti-anxiety meds, sleeping pills, and an anti-depressant. What I really needed was a divorce. As I tried to change the dynamics in my relationships, I learned that the people that I loved and thought loved me, became very angry when I started saying "NO". I still struggle with how to say no to people without them becoming enraged at me and insulting me. There seems to be some sort of unwritten agreement that people think they have with me, where I am not allowed to say "NO". I just experienced this with a girlfriend 2 days ago and she blew up at me. I am at a loss.
I am so sorry you are experiencing this resistance to boundaries, Janathena ❤️ I am witnessing you with so much compassion and understanding.
The Brownie story I recall very much and find you are accurate. I found one of their books at Goodwill and reread it. Stop over giving and over doing and you will see who is really in your circle. This video is very helpful to me. Thank you.
“See who is in your circle”….thanks for that. I have a list now of people who get full access, limited access or restricted access.
Your videos have been of great help to change, set boundaries and stop overgiving. Thanks a lot❤
Thank you for saying so 💕💕
I found you after looking for information about daughters of narcissistic mothers. Found lots of insight in that one. This one is equally good. I see the connection of always having to step softly and agree with my mother and her competitiveness with me and my needing to give too much now in my life. Working on self love in therapy. Finding it all so connected. All trails lead to my early childhood and my Mom. She died when I was 14 and it was such a relief but I also felt lost. No purpose. A lifetime of unhealthy relationships behind me, I’m finally releasing all those chains
I have a new spin on codependency that seems to feel more accurate and would welcome your thoughts Terry. This came from my own therapist, and she said that codependency should actually exist in a marriage-- that it's normal for two people to mesh on a certain level, AND it is more accurate to acknowledge this and refer to it as range of unhealthy or healthy manifestations. It does seem that humans naturally co-depend but that our place on the range scale is healthy or not.
radical curiosity versus judgement 🙏🏻
Terri, you nailed this. SO much freedom and liberation in understanding these maladaptive patterns in relationships. Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom!
Thanks. I do this.I appreciate this video so much. Overgiving has harmed my life. Thank you for helping to improve people's lives!
Glad it was helpful!
I am new l have just discovered your videos. I am not very good at having boundaries and I always put other people's needs before my own. I am 42 and I want to meet someone and have a family and am upset that it maybe too late. My Mum is 85 and muddled (she has hyperparathyroidism and is waiting for a second operation) and my brother and sister see me as the main carer for Mum. They do very little and their reasoning is that they have children and I don't. My mum never used to be very loving but since she has become muddled and also older she is lovely and nice to look after. She doesn't need personal care. What my issue is is that my brother and sister don't do their share and if they did then I would have time to have a life also.
The worst example is last week my mum started with covid and I asked my brother if he would come to help so that I could go back to my house for just one night but he wouldn't come as he said he couldn't risk him and his family getting it (yet they have all had it before and he's vaccinated etc). I feel resentment as he's not bothered about my health, I caught covid from my mum and have been looking after her whilst I am ill. I have no resentment towards looking after my mum, I will always look after her. I just want some help off my brother and sister. Many thanks x
Thanks so much💖
This is deep! It resonates with me. Thanks 🙏🏾
So glad it resonated with you ❤️
Can you be both narcissistic avoidance and dependent?
I thought after going to therapy for six years I figured it all out and then I started this TH-cam channel out of boredom I did really enjoy it but then I started to do more and more and give and give and then now I’m just burned out angry and resentful lol realizing I did it all to myself. Now people are expecting more from me and I even told my subscribers I don’t have to work I manifested a life where I don’t have to work and I just started enjoying my retirement last year I have way more work to do than I thought lol
I see you ❤️ I recognized (after the fact) that it was on me, too. When I was a talent agent I kept over-giving, over-doing, and over-functioning. I kept wondering why everyone just expected me to handle things. Eventually I realized it was up to ME to set limits for myself. No one else was going to do it for me. Taking radical responsibility is the first step. You got this. ❤️ And honor your anger and resentment!
I absolutely loved this video! Thank you for sharing such intelligent and helpful content. Terri, you are an inspiration ❤️
You are so welcome!
When you said not just to get a new hand but to make up a new game, it reminded me of "Calvin and Hobbes." Want my life to be Calvinball! Focus on having fun and feeling good, not on winning or losing
Hello 👋
I often feel like I should do something if a friend or coworker has a problem... and I also take for granted that people expect it from me... colleagues or friends have pointed it out to me which was helpful xxx
That's a loving thing for them to do ❤️ I'd go a step further and ask yourself why you feel like you need to do something when they have a problem?
Amazing. So helpful, thank you
It was a trauma bond and neither one of us had affectionate parents to learn about relationships. Thanks again!❤
You're so welcome ❤️
Thanks for your wisdom.
❤️❤️❤️
My goodness ! This video made so enlightened to the codependency in my life !
I'm glad it was helpful ❤️
Thank you Terry, this is an 'eye-opener'. I just received your book and hope to learn how to stop being an overgiver.
Hello Rita , how are you doing over there this morning. hope you had a wonderful rest in the night??
Wonderful!
Hello
Thank you so much for sharing your personal experience with this matter because I felt some shame as if something was wrong with me, I assumed I was in the minority of people who struggle with this lol thank you so much for sharing and being vulnerable.
You are SO not alone!! ❤️
“I don’t like this hand, I even don’t like this game!” What a great metaphor! We can choose - we don’t have to stay stuck in old games… This was SO helpful for me. I saw clearly that as codependent I have a great deal of responsibility as to how I over give and over function. I can’t blame others that take my offers, I have to stop serving them what I don’t want to give. Thank you Terri 😘 And by the way, I am halfway through your absolutely fantastic book Boundary Boss- I LOVE IT! ❤️
Glad you enjoyed it!
Dear Terri,
Thank you so much for your informative videos. I am going through a lot in my relationship and I am discovering myself with your videos 😮😊.
You are so welcome ❤️ Glad you're here and that you're finding the videos helpful.
This is such a good video.
Your teaching is amazing and life giving
Thank you so much, I'm so glad you find it helpful 💕
Hi Terri! Your video made me cry, it spoke to me so loud and clear. Thanks for doing the work that you do. Your book BB was a huge eye opener for me. But I still need more to learn and change my habits. Looking forward to this.
Finally BB at my coffeetable 😀On the road to become a BB 🙏🙌Thank you Terri, from Sweden and the wonderful arcipelago on the westcoast ☀️
Wonderful!
Thank you so much Terri… I bought your Book - It is soooo helpful & great!! I think you are wonderful!!! I have learned soooo much!! My life is so much better since I can say … NO!!! Thanks again! Much appreciated 🥰
You are so welcome!
Thank you so much I have know this for years but i stll behave in this way. I enjoyed your talk because it was presented in such a way that help understand it a bit further and also a bit better how to change this. Love all you talks
Glad it was helpful!
Thanks Terri for this video and your work. I LOVE the whole video, but, really LOVE your statements towards the end. They are so EMPOWERING! Questioning 'is this the way it is'? And, WHY does your life have to be this way? Great stuff, Terri. Thank you! 🙌💞🙏
Thanks for sharing!!
Thank you Terri 💖
Hello!!
You are so welcome
Hi Terri, I am so grateful to have just discovered your work through one of Lee Harris’s wonderful ‘Impact The World’ interviews with you. Thank you Terri! I am learning so much from watching your videos. 💕
Welcome aboard!
It is hard for me to allow people to give because they are never upfront about what they want in exchange, and I don't want to be put in a bind. Like the example of the Taxi man carrying a heavy bag, he may want an extra tip. Do I have the money at that tims to give him? Basically, I don't want to owe him.
I see you and feel you ❤️ I am a fan of clear expectations. Perhaps, in the case of the taxi driver, you could simply say, "Oh, I'd love help with that, but I don't have any cash on me to tip." If they say no problem, then it's not yours to worry about.
We have to be discerning about what is on our side of the street and what is on other people's side of the street. Sometimes, people don't voice their expectations. If you're in doubt, you can ask and give them the opportunity to share, but beyond that, it is not our worry to carry. I know that can be difficult if people aren't emotionally trustworthy, though. ❤️
OMG I was in the Brownies as a kid!!!
the best!
Yes, how do you stay aware of balance?
Hi Deborah - have you downloaded the guide for this episode? There are two inventories in there that can help you be aware of how much you may be overgiving: www.terricole.com/stop-overgiving-guide/
i over give to my dog!!!!
I feel that!
I can't get my bully to lose weight
No i like the idea of pay back.
Hi Terri. I am 73-yrs old and have all these traits of co-dependency. Would your course be for me even if I am at 73? I need some kind of relief from trying to be there for everyone else and not being here for Mr. I never take time for me. Thank you. I receive your emails. I need these emails.
I think so!
Hello Kathleen, how are you doing?
We must stop sh*ing (shoulding) on ourselves! 😅
Indeed!
Can I talk about this behaviour with him?
Hi there- I'm not sure what you're referring to, but I think it is always worth having a conversation about the state of a relationship and going over what is working, what isn't working, and what could be better. ❤️
This is so random but I’m just wondering are you mixed race? I’m just watching this video thinking this is a black woman. ❤ i don’t mean to be rude
Thank you for your contribution- you are the best 🤍
Thank you for being here!