My dad backed out of my wedding 6 months before because I was letting my stepdad give a speech. He then cried to his mom (my grandmother) and she sent me a series of letters telling me how horrible of a daughter I was. We talked about it a year or more later and he didn’t think he did anything wrong by not coming. Never underestimate what selfish people will do.
you could do other subreddits, not just aita, There is r/bridezillas, r/weddingdrama, r/weddingshaming and even r/weddingplanning. Weddingplanning is where brides ask actual help with the planning, and is rarely dramafilled like the other three. I suggest that because those three forums are more wedding related, they will repost aita posts as well, but have a lot of unique and original posts. R/bridezillas has a lot of orininal posts wheree brides ask if some behavior is approprie or not. Or bridesmaids/ MOHs ask help in dealing with tricky emotional situations involving brides. Name videos Reddit reactions or something.
Do you know of any other TH-cam channels that cover these subreddits or do other wedding drama videos? I watch Charlotte Dobre but if you know of any others I would love to hear! (Since I got engaged these types of videos have been a guilty pleasure of mine and it helps me remember my family drama isn’t THAT bad 😂)
@@tinyheranxy2007 glad to know I'm not the only one who watches family/wedding drama to feel better about my own family drama lmao. Love Charlotte Dobre and also am curious about other channels that cover wedding drama content.
I had to leave my cousin's wedding early bc I became suddenly ill. I went to the bathroom twice to breathe some fresh air and hope it got better. It didn't. I only managed to stay through the first dance. No dinner. No cake. No dancing with the bride. My mother, brothers, and I had all come together in one car, so four people had to leave my cousin's wedding before it even really started. That was 7 years ago, and I still feel bad about it. I actually apologized for it again this summer, when we were looking at my own wedding photos. That was my cousin, not my child. I can not relate to this dad at all. You show up for the people who are important to you.
As someone with severe anxiety (and hospitalized five times) we are taught that managing our anxiety is our responsibility. Of course, there are times where things will be time out of our control but we have to try. In the case For my own wedding, I had to step out probably once an hour for like 5 min. Large crowds overwhelm me, so I took a moment to breathe and get some space. But ya know what? Went right back in, because that was a hugely important event. And not just for me, but for the people I care about.
Quick add-on for the wife. Sometimes my husband will contact my family on my behalf. This is because I have a very strained relationship with my parents and often can’t communicate when I’m truly upset by them. Not to say you should “chew out” your in-laws, but based on the son’s response when the dad called him, I wonder how many times he’s been hurt by his farther. and maybe if the wife finally snapped at the person causing their love pain.
The realization that his parents wouldn't be in any wedding photos absolutely broke my heart. If I were the DIL I'd support my husband in whatever he wanted to do because I tend to take a "I'll deal with my family, you deal with yours" stance in relationships and, as you rightly pointed out, it'd probably mean more coming from his son. That being said, I can't promise I wouldn't make a snarky comment about it at the next family gathering if there was one.
The fact that he considered staying for dinner and then decided the food didn't look good enough to tempt him makes me think it's more about HIM and what he wants than about him having genuine social anxiety or anything. If he was actually having that much trouble socially and couldn't stand to be there any longer and needed to "tap out", then there was no need for him to to make snarky comments about "but the food didn't look appetizing to me, so I decided to just leave".
I don't care how much you hate being here or how anxious you are dude, you go sit in the car and wait so your son can dance with his mother. And saying "well the food doesn't look that good so I won't stay for dinner" is bizarre. It is his JOB as a father to be there for his kid and put in whatever work he has to do to make that possible. Instead he not only abandoned his son at his wedding, he made his wife do the same.
Absolutely! Totally well said and seriously even if he did know the mental health lingo.... as you say, go wait in the damn car. Suck it up for your son ffs. It's NOT the father's day. Suck it the hell up and stop making everything about you, dad! I've got some mental health lingo for dad. NPD Narcissistic personality disorder.
Or suck it up and stay. Wear some noise cancelling earbuds, take some calming supplements, leave the room, go outside for some air. I have major wedding/event anxiety, especially if I don't know anyone, but I still go if they are close friends or family. My grandpa is abit like this and he is the sweetest and always goes to every large function.
I love that you teach your children anger isn’t an evil thing! I think a lot of parents teach kids (especially girls) that expressing anger in any way is unacceptable.
I have social anxiety. But I would NEVER!!!!! I avoid social gatherings a lot but if I go to a wedding, I stay until its appropriate to leave I can't imagine leaving my kid's wedding 💔 😢 This is a moment that you can never get back.
I think it had to come from the daughter in law, if it came from the groom the dad may have just brushed it off. I mean the dad skipped his own sons wedding, he could easily laugh off the situation when confronted with it. The daughter in law did the right thing to stick up for her husband knowing that this could set a strange precedent for their relationship, but the dad already set up a strange relationship for them when he left the wedding early.
I felt compassion for the dad AT FIRST, because there’s a lot of anxiety, autism, etc. in my own family, so I know what a struggle large gatherings can be. But he clearly demonstrated through the rest of his post that he was also selfish and just a bad father, so he still deserves the YTA imo, whether or not he suffers from anxiety. I also totally get the new wife calling-the poster hurt his son, and she was righteously offended on his behalf.
This!! As an autistic person myself, even if he does have anxiety/autism/etc, there is no explanation as to why he couldn’t have just left early ALONE and asked his wife to stay
I have autism and social anxiety and I would never, ever leave a wedding this early, especially not my childrens. No matter how uncomfortable I feel, I will find ways to last at least until after the dance/cake.
My husband's small family had a high number of legitimate health issues going on around the time of our wedding, and since it was a backyard wedding and of course it was the only day that whole week that it rained, they all left after the cake. But the first guy couldn't be bothered to tough it out bc he "doesn't enjoy parties" 😒
"All right, whatever, just go," How did the son say that because I bet the father heard it way different from how he's son said it. I'm willing to guess he said that because he knew his father would be leaving no matter what and he just didn't have the time or energy to fight something he knew he couldn't change. Plus who would want to end up in an argument with their parents at their wedding with family and friends there to witness it
"Alright, whatever, just go" to me also sounds like the words of someone who feels defeated. Like you said, he knew he couldn't change his father's mind or opinion and didn't want the fight but still wasn't happy with the events.
Nah he lost me when he mentioned his son’s wife and said 25-26F… he doesn’t even know how old she is and basically said he didn’t like her or the food they picked. These sound like excuses to do something selfish
THIS!!!! I was looking if someone else noticed. He doesn't care about her, their relationship, and thus the wedding. I'm sure if it was an award ceremony for what a great dad he is, he would have sucked it up.
i loved watching your gradual dawning horror about the BS this man pulled lol i have social anxiety too and i'm definitely one of those people who also doesn't do well with public speaking but like that one commenter said, when my sister got engaged and i knew a MOH speech was in my future, i sucked it up and gave one. it wasn't long, got a couple laughs, and idr any of the actual speech because i blacked out, but i sucked it up because it wasn't about me. i already couldn't do any of the other MOH duties (due to both a recent diagnosis of lupus and general lack of knowing how to plan/cooradinate events), i wasn't about to disappoint on the few that i COULD do. i was assured by several people it was a good speech, at least, but i wanted to sink into the floor the entire time
In the almost 40 years that I've been on this blue marble, I have left early from a wedding exactly TWICE. One was, as Jamie says, long after the cake was cut and the party had been going for almost an hour. The other one WAS before the reception because I unfortunately was required to be in Canada by the next morning. The difference between me and the father in the story is that I wasn't involved in the wedding aside from being a standard guest. Moreover, I had explained my situation to the couple and apologized, and they had told me that they were just happy that I would be able to be there to see them get married.
My bf and I have been together 5.5 months and are looking at the engagement and wedding process for the future. My bfs mom has a chronic condition called lupus so I honestly thank you for this cause this makes me want to create pockets for her for the possible future reception
Please please please keep in mind that with Lupus, an early departure like the one in this story is not at all selfish or personal, but a medical necessity. I have Multiple Sclerosis, and am worried about making it through my daughter’s wedding next month-it’s a real balance between pushing yourself as hard as possible to be there for your children, but also not wanting to take the attention from them by pushing so hard you hurt yourself. If I ignore the warning signs and stay too long I could wind up fainting or having seizures, which would really put a damper on the celebration. So please keep that in mind.
Wow, this is wild to me. Dad is definitely the a hole. Honestly, mom should have stood up to him a bit and said something about at least staying until after the mother/son dance. That is a moment neither of them can get back.
I do not do well in large gatherings (hell even small ones) or social events. I have extreme misophonia and get overstimulated and overwhelmed easily. I also have social anxiety when around new people but am an extroverted introvert and can fake it well with people I know. Going to a wedding I would never leave after the ceremony like this. I would step outside if I needed to get away for a moment and there are definitely appropriate times to leave early. But the mom just leaving with the dad so she didn't have to drive by herself, what was the point of taking 2 cars then?!
I feel like the son is so used to his dad doing this that he wouldn’t have said anything, because what’s the point? The DIL calling is actually a good sign for me. It’s hard watching someone suffer in silence especially if it’s your significant other. Instead of berating her for her “temper” he should be happy that his son has someone willing to go to bat for him when it counts. This isn’t some random event they missed. It’s their son’s wedding!! If they aren’t going to dip out about it now when else would they?
We love these AITA videos so much! I feel like most of us found you in the middle of wedding planning, and you helped calm us down so much. But after the wedding I want nothing to do with wedding planning anymore im done 😅. So these videos keep me coming back to your channel because I miss your videos! Keep making them please the stories are so interesting!
My husband and I got married last month, we had an issue with his aunty wanting to leave at an “unconfirmed time” between the ceremony and dinner. She was so difficult the whole lead up to the wedding, and is actually very narcissistic, so in the end I politely told her it would be inappropriate to leave mid dinner or so early because the venue was very remote and also it was a small wedding 24 guests each. Even the week before the wedding she was kicking a fuss up and giving excuse after excuse after excuse. We are so so glad she didn’t come, maybe the couple should have had a more candid conversation about what they wanted the dad and mom to do, what they as a couple were comfortable with. ❤️
Where is the mom in this moment!?!?! She should've stayed regardless of dad leaving. If dad had anxiety great he leaves no big surprise. Mom is really the A-hole here for not staying for her son. 😢
Yeah, they could have taken two vehicles or arranged with someone else to take the mom home after. I have anxiety (wasn't diagnosed yet at any wedding I attended), but still managed to stay through the meal and part of the dancing.
My mother (76) left my wedding early, with my aunt (67) and uncle (67). Honestly it didn't bother me at all and I was glad to see her go. It was so stressful having her there for the entire days before the wedding and the day of, that I was happy to be free of the duties. I had to put her first and foremost, because no one else would help me with her, so I didn't really get a chance to enjoy anything. I never even got my mani/pedi the day before like I'd been scheduled to do. (She lives 6 hours away, I had to go get her (Wednesday) and drive her back to where we live on Thursday, then it was making sure she was not abandoned at the hotel for the days and activities leading up to the wedding.)
Word of caution on people saying they have social anxiety. I have social anxiety and find ways to suck it up and be present, usually that involves me taking a helper role and trying to fade into the background. My ex made the claim that he had social anxiety to get out of or explain his behavior at certain family functions. This excuse got blown apart by my youngest son who called out my ex for being a narcissist after my ex DESTROYED our youngest son’s high school graduation. I then realized what my kids had already known. My ex was very chatty and enjoyed social events with his friends or his side of the family when he was the center of attention. Ex had to leave early, refuse to talk at, and complain about any event that wasn’t about him. Once I realized I very much standing by him and explaining away his bad behavior as social anxiety.
I actually really appreciate you pointing out that the dad might have actually had strong social anxiety. He's still the a-hole here, but I appreciate the reframing of the situation given that he is from a generation that treated men in a certain way that didn't allow for feeling the things we are more open about more recently, and how that may have played a factor in his reaction around the wedding. I honestly didn't consider that idea myself so I'm grateful for the opportunity to expand my own mindset here. I will say if I had been the new wife here, I absolutely would have reamed the dad out over this. I realize that it isn't necessarily my place to do so but I don't think I'd be able to restrain myself. They skipped the photos?? This is so much worse than I thought it could be.
I have autism, social anxiety and an eating disorder, but I would never leave a wedding before cake/dance. No matter how hard it might be, I will be there for the couple.
Please please please talk about the drama with the wedding cake and the coordinator - look for Malina Lee. My mind is blown and I’d love to hear your take on it.
I cannot imagine any decent Mom leaving early. Get a ride with a family member or a hotel room! She was hurt by the bully husband. She should have said you leave now you just keep on driving!!
Idk I had the worst anxiety of my life at my brothers wedding and the worst IBS flair, and I stayed the whole time. I attended to guests he didn’t want to, and I helped the bridesmaid drama. You do your best for family.
Not going to lie, I would be the daughter in law. Yes, I would check in on my partner, but if anything that would make me livid. And I would be calling screaming at him. I am loyal, I am protective, and when I love you, I am ride or die. Anyone makes my people miserable, I make sure they hear from me and I make it known that they're dead in books. Honestly, I might have been nastier than the DIL in this story. I also admit I have experience with a dad dipping last minute for a big event and getting the "so where is he?" Questions for the entire night. I'd be angry on so many levels in this scenario.
It's quite common for guests in my family and friends group to only attend the ceremony and not go to the reception (yes, often due to anxiety) But that needs to be WELL established! Especially if someone is expected to be part of the wedding.... that sounds insane to me. He could have waiting until the mother son dance, or come back and gotten mom or arranged a ride home for her. Something to still let that expected moment happen
As someone whose autism gives him social anxiety and it dislikes large gatherings on top of that. Your suggested changing language to mental health language by itself would not change our position or at least mine. But if he started there and then went on to explain the difference between leaving when he did and leaving at the end of the cake that could. He would probably still be for the way he reacted to being confronted but I wouldn't necessarily say he was for leaving. There would still be the question of the mom leaving before the mother's Sundance, but that's whether she's the A.H. So to make it to nah, First you would need that mental health language.You talked about then you would need a specific acknowledgment of after the cake versus before dinner and how that interacted with the mental health on that one hour difrance. Then he would have had to talk about a balism as opposed to talking to inlaws with his daughter in law. Then the conversation with his son would have also had to be about that. And interestingly on top of being the minimum to get to NAH it would have probably gotten to nta under those circumstances.
Different take: the dad can't stand being in social situations where HE IS NOT the main character. Just throwing that out there as a possibility since it's clear he missed his son's graduation, ball games, plays and all else. I doubt the guy missed his own promotion party. I am family to many narcissistic personality disorder. This screams NPD if he was really just socially anxious, he could have gone into a side room, gone to a little corner and just had some moments to himself. It doesn't make up for everything else he's done to his son throughout his entire life of never showing up for him. And my only explanation does is that he doesn't actually hate large groups. He just resents any event that isn't about him
Yes yes and yes. Not to mention he also pulled the mum from the event. Not Ill come and get you later, I;; organise a taxi/uber for your/ someone else from the wedding could take her home, get her accomodation close and pick her up the next day.
I suspect the biggest problem was that the mom left with the dad. Dad warned son ahead of time he would leave early, but nothing was said about the mom. Which would be why she missed the scheduled mother-son dance. As an introvert with bad social anxiety who also has ADHD and experiences sensory overload, I totally understand wanting to leave a wedding early. I have done it myself! After everyone else had started dancing (after the cake) and the scheduled part of the evening was over. This always still makes me feel a bit guilty, as weddings are special occasions and often double as family reunions. I always seek out the bride and/or groom to give my congratulations, thanks and apologies before leaving. But…BOTH the parents dipping out on their son’s wedding early? Before dinner, even? Missing toasts (and not giving toasts, which parents often traditionally do), missing the special dances, not eating the carefully chosen food, witnessing the cutting of the cake (also a big moment), not being around to experience this with their son and new daughter-in-law or support them through what is also an emotionally taxing event? And to do all that publicly, where other guests will ask about their absence? That is insulting, humiliating and hurtful. It sounds like, from the son’s response when they left, and the fact he didn’t complain when the dad first mentioned he’d leave early, like he doesn’t feel like he can just confront the dad about it. So, his protective new wife called up to rip her in-laws a new one, and when they called to complain about HER, the son finally lost it and said what he’d been thinking for a long time. Sounds like a kid who has accumulated a greater and greater wound over time. Unfortunate it came out over what should have been a happy occasion, but at least now they can deal with it. I think you are probably right that the dad simply doesn’t know how to express why he doesn’t like large gatherings. The wording, which sounds casually dismissive, likely made things worse.
My husband and I got married pretty young. But I instilled a rule that has worked really well for our relationship with in-laws. We deal with our own families. When plans are being made I communicate with my side of the family and he communicates with his. This way we are a united front as well as in-laws can't complain that it's the spouse keeping their child from coming to family events. Idk if I would of texted as the DIL. But, I would definitely support my new husband in communicating his disappointment and hurt in his Dad.
They should have made a quite time and space for the dad to get away for a little while. Or, made sure the mom was all set to ride home with someone else she trusted. The dad clearly has
The dad is who he is. He clearly has a history of having social issues. Therefore the couple should have planned better for the reality of the dad's issues instead of getting mad at him for having issues. The history says that he can't pick and choose where the issues effect his life, so he works around them. It's like telling someone with broken legs they should get over it and stand up and walk like everyone else. It's hard when the barrier is invisible, but that doesn't mean it isn't crippling. The good thing is that he knows his limit and is upfront. The bad thing is the people closest to still expecting him to be a different person. The couple couple could have done a few things to accommodate this issue. 1. Make sure there was a quite place the dad could escape to that was walking distance to the venue. 2. As Jamie mentioned, the couple should have given the dad a time when it was good to leave. Socially awkward folks often don't know social norms. He probably thought the ceremony was the important part. While this may seem like a given to people who've attended a lot of weddings, this was probably the only wedding he'd ever been to, since he doesn't do large social gatherings. 3. Make sure the mom was all set to ride home with other trusted friends. Chances are, the mom has been caring for the dad for a long time. He may have trouble driving after being so overwhelmed or may need to sleep 16 hrs or have whatever comforting thing he needs after being in a large gathering. Also, the mom may also have issues, and let's her's hide under her husbands. It's sad when people can't be who we want them to be especially when it's a really important moment.
They could have at least stayed until after dinner, I think. But I agree the groom should have communicated if he knew he was going to be mad all night that they left early.
As a neurodivergent person, I can sympathize because not having any food to eat sucks and 150 guests sounds like literal hell. But there are some things you can do to avoid this situation. Bringing earplugs and taking frequent bathroom breaks to get away from all the people. Keeping a snack in your pocket so that you can eat it while everyone else is having dinner or getting involved in planning the menu and if it’s really overwhelming, then you can leave right after the dance instead of before it
Im with all the other people saying the dad shouldve waited in the car so the groom could have that dance with his mom. He wouldve been there for the photos too if he had just stepped out for a while. I say this as someone who has diagnosed social anxiety. There are many, many, many ways to deal with this. The father chose the easy way out
I don’t think I would have called my FIL but I do think it would have come up in person at some point and I can’t predict how it would go from there. But I KNOW I’d bring it up in person later!!!!
I haven’t been to many weddings and didn’t know you had to stay until the cake cutting. I’ve left early twice, but they were huge weddings and I didn’t really know them, certainly not a parent. One of those times I just went to go sit in the car for a while and fell asleep while my partner stayed.
Parents actions can make or break a wedding day. My dad and his wife moved from ND to UT just 6 months before my original wedding date (later delayed 3 month due to "The Vid"). He decided when they came back, for my wedding, to bring along their 3 dogs. We told him multiple times it would be a bad idea. SURPRISE! He didn't listen. My dad left my wedding moments after our father daughter dance. Gone without saying good-bye to me, my new husband, or my brother. He had the audacity to give my (step)sister said "put this [$10] to the "$ dance". We're heading out". Turns out they left all because he didn't want to "leave the 3 dogs alone for to long" at his BIL's house. MIND YOU THIS he was late to getting ready & pictures prior to the wedding because of these damn dogs as well. It broke my heart when I found out he left. This action been branded into my memory of when I realized his dogs are more important. My MIL hurt my Husband dearly on our wedding day as well, when she wouldn't help him set up decor at our wedding, even though she made multiple comments about not being involved. On our wedding day, we had to do everything (rehearsal, setup, wedding, etc) in 5 ish hours. My husband begged his mom to come help him, his dad and the groomsmen set up the wedding decor, but she refused. Said she wouldn't leave our house until it was her time to get her hair and makeup done. When I saw him at rehearsal, about half way through setting up, I saw he was upset. So, pulled him aside to see what was wrong. He ended up tearing up while he told me what happened. I ended up setting up because I had about an hour to spare before I was needed, all while my wedding party got ready. I couldn't let him feel unsupported on what is his "big day" too. MIL lazily sat at our home while the whole wedding party was either setting up or getting dressed. To this day she states she was left out of her "baby boys big day" even though it was at her own choosing. You sir are the A-Hole! Love these video's keep coming back even tho I have been married for almost 4 years now.
Wedding or funeral it is your choice to attend. Simply let people know when they ask in the beginning. If Dad had said "I plan to leave ten minutes after the ceremony then any needed discussions about photos, dances, etc could have happened with cooler heads. A request to be at the wedding as well as spending an hour at the reception surely would have been happily accommodated by this Dad.
It sounds like this dad has autism and is either undiagnosed or has no interest in taking responsibility for himself. I am autistic, i have a lot of sensory and food issues. Many many weddings ive been to have been literal torture to me and i have left a wedding early more than once. But as I've grown (and gotten more medication and treatment) there are many more compassionate ways the dad could have behaved. He could have worn ear plugs, taken a break by sitting in his car or the bathroom, brought snacks, asked the son the earliest time he'd be comfortable with the dad leaving, made sure that even if he left the mom could stay, left a heartfelt note apologizing for the early exit. If i know i need to go to a big event like this i might stay home and rest and avoid people for a whole day or two to make sure i have the fullest battery possible for the event. Maybe even (as mentioned) come late to make sure to be there for the most important parts of the day. So while i think people may be underestimating just how hard weddings can be for certain people, i do agree that this father profoundly failed at planning ahead, taking responsibility, or communicating properly with his son about priorities, expectations, and intent.
Yall, I think we can be more patient with the Dad here. To me the Dad sounds autistic: 1. Really dislikes large gatherings (overstimulating). 2. Has food sensitivities (didn’t want to eat the food). 3. Doesn’t apparently have any negative intentions, but didn’t understand what he was “expected” to do in the situation or why people reacted the way they did.
I feel like both parents are the aholes, not just the dad. All the excuses in the story are wild! I also don't agree with calling somebody and immediately yelling and throwing insults at them. I understand her anger but how was that supposed to end well? I think she or OPs son should've calmly expressed their disappointment. Dad probably still would've stood his ground, but calling people out the blue and fussing only makes both parties more upset.
OP has zero excuse. I have social anxiety and at least stay for dinner. He wasn't alone he was with his WIFE and FAMILY. The anxiety is way worse in a room of strangers, but with your own family you couldn't stay for dinner? I never thought about the photos! 😳😱😱 If he missed the photos, I don't think his son will ever forgive him
Putting aside situations like this one where the dad is clearly an AH, please take Jamie’s advice on being flexible and giving grace for actually disabled people. My daughter is getting married next month-my son, my mother, and I are all disabled. My daughter made sure to pick a handicapped accessible venue, and she planned family photos before the ceremony so that they would get done before things get too difficult/overwhelming. My son’s disability is mostly mental, and he’ll most likely leave as soon as the ceremony ends, but again, this has been planned for ahead of time to avoid disrupting the event.
Parents leaving son’s wedding early: I think this is a planning issue and a lack of care for other people’s feelings. The mother knowing her husband would leave early should have arranged a ride so that she should stay. The dad needed to suck it up and stay until the appropriate time. This affected pictures and other wonderful moments. Shame on him for not putting his child first on this special day. If I was the DIL I would have pulled them aside before they left and let them know what important moments they would miss and how it would affect their son’s future relationship with them. I would have been polite but let them know it’s not okay.
I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder & even I wouldn’t be an asshole like this. I find a quiet corner or sit in the bathroom (most venues have a sitting area in the bathroom that’s very nice). This dad is just a selfish jerk used to having his way & he’s not used to being called out.
Wooooow, the father is so full of himself. Also, what kind of baffles me is the fact that he said the food looked unappetizing.. which he could have asked his son what kind of food was going to be at the wedding, and if he had a problem with it the father could have just said 'oh, I don't like that kind of food, Will there be any other options?' I do agree that the wife probably should have just stayed out of the drama, but I can't fault her for standing up for her new husband. I think this dad is a massive asshole. I would be so hurt if my dad, who I am planning on having a father-daughter dance with, decided to leave before we could do that because one, I took time out of my wedding planning to find the perfect song for that, and two, I have been looking forward to that and I know my dad has to (so this wouldn't even happen) but the fact that this son had his mother taken away from the event before he could even accomplish that dance is just terrible. I don't care if the dad has social anxiety- he could have just went and sat in the car or gotten away by walking outside, or did whatever he had to, but he didn't and he dragged the whole rest of the family's event down because of his personal feelings.
I will say his wording and the way he phrases things really makes him sound like an A-hole and like "well I told you" and gave the attitude of "this is who I am and I will not make any changes for anyone".
My guess, is that the family is conditioned to follow dad. Why else would mom leave? I’m guessing bride was broken hearted over how it affected her husband, and furious that neither of them was willing to talk about it and snapped. Sometimes, in order to break a toxic culture, you have to be the squeaky wheel.
After reading the book ‘strong female character’ by Feen Brady. I wonder if he is Autistic?? I mean, if he doesn’t see why the behaviour is upsetting to others. At the end of the day it’s social rules and if you don’t understand them, if you are deeply uncomfortable with crowds and masking with strangers. Also, it’s not really in their nature to lie or know when they are being lied to so why would they then lie about the food being not what they want to eat? Just speculation. I’m no psychologist. None of this reads deliberately malicious…..
NTA for communicating you are uncomftorable and will leave ear;y, TA for leaving before dinner and cake, the mother son dance, and being rude to your new daughter in law, then telling your son because "he needs to know she has an attitude". You could have left right after dinner, cake, and the mother son dance
I wonder if the dad is autistic. Not to excuse behavior because I am autistic and I would *never* but it just makes me wonder with the social difficulties, food pickiness, and the lack of emotional awareness and tone. Either way, I think you gave great tips on some accommodations that could have happened had there been more communication.
So if he has immense social anxiety he could have gone into the bridal party room and sat for a half an hour. Then, maybe go and do some perfunctory eating to just perform your fatherly responsibility which was to be a warm body in a room for four hours. He could have even waited in his car, on a bench outside or anywhere for mom to do the tradition in his quiet place. But Dad drags Mom home, too? Get a couple Xanax to hang in for four hours. Jebus, this incredibly selfish ahole!
I disagree that the son had that much to do with the communication breakdown. Both of his parents knew that there was a mother/son dance. Surely he wasn't wrong to assume his parents would stay THAT long at least. Frankly, after reading the OP's comments on this, it sounds less like OP has social anxiety, and more like he has main character syndrome. I hope his DIL has better parents.
I just feel like I need to add my grain of salt about the funeral comment. It's not the same thing. Weddings are about the couple, not the attendees, funerals are about the attendees, funerals are for the living. The dead are dead, they don't care anymore. Funerals are a rite for the living to process the death and their feelings associated with it, by remembering and paying hommage to the dead person.
The dad seems socially clueless to the point where he likely is autistic and/or hasn't ever been to a wedding. He should be evaluated, as it might shine a light on what's happening. Yes, I know the dad is married, but they probably didn't have a wedding or it was very small. In any case, the couple knew the groom's parents have issues, so they should have planned around it, and made sure both parents knew about the important parts not to miss. Some people really do need to be told the whole time line of events ahead of the event. If one's never been to a wedding, it would be silly to assume they know about pictures or the other important events following the ceremony. Yes, it's a lot of work for the couple, but the parents are broken, so they've gotta work around the sad reality of the situation.
Honestly, this man sounds like he is on the spectrum. He doesn't like big gatherings (overstimulation), doesn't get social norms and has no ability to mentalize others' mindstate, emotions. The thing is, at that age, he won't be receptive to a diagnosis and treatment. He lived the better half of his life like this, everyone had accepted it, he won't be bothered to change things.
I don't think it's weird at all...he was there for the ceremony, that's the part that matters. His son should know his dad well enough to have expected him to leave early and was, in fact, given a heads up. Not the a*hole...not at all. And the DIL...wow, to be so disrespectful is unreal. Also, the wife/Mom leaving with, that's on her, not the dad...she could have gotten a ride with someone.
No, the dad is a massive selfish piece of work asshole. It takes no effort to be a present parent a your son’s wedding and the son is lucky to have a wife who stands up for him, it takes courage to be a new wife and stand up to your self indulgent selfish father in law. The mother in law is just as bad for leaving as well. Anything but staying until the END of the event for your son’s wedding and also offering to help with anything is unacceptable.
I guess I’m alone because I don’t think the dad is the asshole. The mom is. They made the plan to leave separately so there was no reason for her to change her mind. She should’ve stayed. She was being weird in my opinion. The son knew ahead of time and should have said that it was an issue. And the daughter in law was rude.
A) This man is absolutely an a hole. B) Throwing yourself an extravagant party is cool and everything, but the reverence our society has for wedding receptions is objectively absurd and, in some ways, damaging.
So I have an interesting perspective here. My mom did not attend my Jan 2024 wedding for a very similar reason. My mother has suffered with social anxiety for years. Even before I was born. That and other mental health issues. She planned to attend and even showed me dresses she would want to wear. In the end, her fear didn’t allow her to come to the wedding. She is almost 70 which I assume is around the age of the OP. Though very disappointed I understood. I’m not saying he is or isn’t the AH. I just understand who my mom is and this was not her first or third time. I have pictures with only my dad and moments that my makeup artist has to step in and do things my mom would do. But I just get that is who my mom is. I think mental illness just robs everyone in the path of the person who suffers of so many moments. Hope my perspective sheds tiny light from another perspective. 🩷
They should have made a quite time and space for the dad to get away for a little while. Or, made sure the mom was all set to ride home with someone else she trusted. The dad clearly has
My dad backed out of my wedding 6 months before because I was letting my stepdad give a speech. He then cried to his mom (my grandmother) and she sent me a series of letters telling me how horrible of a daughter I was. We talked about it a year or more later and he didn’t think he did anything wrong by not coming. Never underestimate what selfish people will do.
you could do other subreddits, not just aita, There is r/bridezillas, r/weddingdrama, r/weddingshaming and even r/weddingplanning. Weddingplanning is where brides ask actual help with the planning, and is rarely dramafilled like the other three. I suggest that because those three forums are more wedding related, they will repost aita posts as well, but have a lot of unique and original posts. R/bridezillas has a lot of orininal posts wheree brides ask if some behavior is approprie or not. Or bridesmaids/ MOHs ask help in dealing with tricky emotional situations involving brides. Name videos Reddit reactions or something.
Do you know of any other TH-cam channels that cover these subreddits or do other wedding drama videos? I watch Charlotte Dobre but if you know of any others I would love to hear! (Since I got engaged these types of videos have been a guilty pleasure of mine and it helps me remember my family drama isn’t THAT bad 😂)
@@tinyheranxy2007 glad to know I'm not the only one who watches family/wedding drama to feel better about my own family drama lmao. Love Charlotte Dobre and also am curious about other channels that cover wedding drama content.
@@cuppy3874 right?? It’s cathartic 😂
I had to leave my cousin's wedding early bc I became suddenly ill. I went to the bathroom twice to breathe some fresh air and hope it got better. It didn't. I only managed to stay through the first dance. No dinner. No cake. No dancing with the bride. My mother, brothers, and I had all come together in one car, so four people had to leave my cousin's wedding before it even really started. That was 7 years ago, and I still feel bad about it. I actually apologized for it again this summer, when we were looking at my own wedding photos.
That was my cousin, not my child. I can not relate to this dad at all. You show up for the people who are important to you.
As someone with severe anxiety (and hospitalized five times) we are taught that managing our anxiety is our responsibility. Of course, there are times where things will be time out of our control but we have to try.
In the case For my own wedding, I had to step out probably once an hour for like 5 min. Large crowds overwhelm me, so I took a moment to breathe and get some space. But ya know what? Went right back in, because that was a hugely important event. And not just for me, but for the people I care about.
Quick add-on for the wife. Sometimes my husband will contact my family on my behalf. This is because I have a very strained relationship with my parents and often can’t communicate when I’m truly upset by them.
Not to say you should “chew out” your in-laws, but based on the son’s response when the dad called him, I wonder how many times he’s been hurt by his farther. and maybe if the wife finally snapped at the person causing their love pain.
The realization that his parents wouldn't be in any wedding photos absolutely broke my heart.
If I were the DIL I'd support my husband in whatever he wanted to do because I tend to take a "I'll deal with my family, you deal with yours" stance in relationships and, as you rightly pointed out, it'd probably mean more coming from his son. That being said, I can't promise I wouldn't make a snarky comment about it at the next family gathering if there was one.
The fact that he considered staying for dinner and then decided the food didn't look good enough to tempt him makes me think it's more about HIM and what he wants than about him having genuine social anxiety or anything. If he was actually having that much trouble socially and couldn't stand to be there any longer and needed to "tap out", then there was no need for him to to make snarky comments about "but the food didn't look appetizing to me, so I decided to just leave".
I don't care how much you hate being here or how anxious you are dude, you go sit in the car and wait so your son can dance with his mother. And saying "well the food doesn't look that good so I won't stay for dinner" is bizarre. It is his JOB as a father to be there for his kid and put in whatever work he has to do to make that possible. Instead he not only abandoned his son at his wedding, he made his wife do the same.
Or find the wife a ride home! There were 150 people at the wedding, and no one could give her a ride home?
Absolutely! Totally well said and seriously even if he did know the mental health lingo.... as you say, go wait in the damn car. Suck it up for your son ffs. It's NOT the father's day. Suck it the hell up and stop making everything about you, dad! I've got some mental health lingo for dad. NPD Narcissistic personality disorder.
Exactly what I was thinking. Mom was clearly reluctant to leave and I sensed some previous history of bullying in her decision to leave.
Or suck it up and stay. Wear some noise cancelling earbuds, take some calming supplements, leave the room, go outside for some air. I have major wedding/event anxiety, especially if I don't know anyone, but I still go if they are close friends or family.
My grandpa is abit like this and he is the sweetest and always goes to every large function.
The mom should have let the dad leave and stayed behind - he wants to go, doesn't mean you need too as well. Find a different ride ect
I love that you teach your children anger isn’t an evil thing! I think a lot of parents teach kids (especially girls) that expressing anger in any way is unacceptable.
I have social anxiety. But I would NEVER!!!!! I avoid social gatherings a lot but if I go to a wedding, I stay until its appropriate to leave I can't imagine leaving my kid's wedding 💔 😢 This is a moment that you can never get back.
When you got to the point where we realized that the grooms parents are not in the wedding photos. 😮😮😮😮😮
I think it had to come from the daughter in law, if it came from the groom the dad may have just brushed it off. I mean the dad skipped his own sons wedding, he could easily laugh off the situation when confronted with it. The daughter in law did the right thing to stick up for her husband knowing that this could set a strange precedent for their relationship, but the dad already set up a strange relationship for them when he left the wedding early.
I felt compassion for the dad AT FIRST, because there’s a lot of anxiety, autism, etc. in my own family, so I know what a struggle large gatherings can be. But he clearly demonstrated through the rest of his post that he was also selfish and just a bad father, so he still deserves the YTA imo, whether or not he suffers from anxiety.
I also totally get the new wife calling-the poster hurt his son, and she was righteously offended on his behalf.
This!! As an autistic person myself, even if he does have anxiety/autism/etc, there is no explanation as to why he couldn’t have just left early ALONE and asked his wife to stay
I have autism and social anxiety and I would never, ever leave a wedding this early, especially not my childrens. No matter how uncomfortable I feel, I will find ways to last at least until after the dance/cake.
My husband's small family had a high number of legitimate health issues going on around the time of our wedding, and since it was a backyard wedding and of course it was the only day that whole week that it rained, they all left after the cake.
But the first guy couldn't be bothered to tough it out bc he "doesn't enjoy parties" 😒
"All right, whatever, just go," How did the son say that because I bet the father heard it way different from how he's son said it. I'm willing to guess he said that because he knew his father would be leaving no matter what and he just didn't have the time or energy to fight something he knew he couldn't change. Plus who would want to end up in an argument with their parents at their wedding with family and friends there to witness it
"Alright, whatever, just go" to me also sounds like the words of someone who feels defeated. Like you said, he knew he couldn't change his father's mind or opinion and didn't want the fight but still wasn't happy with the events.
Nah he lost me when he mentioned his son’s wife and said 25-26F… he doesn’t even know how old she is and basically said he didn’t like her or the food they picked. These sound like excuses to do something selfish
THIS!!!! I was looking if someone else noticed. He doesn't care about her, their relationship, and thus the wedding. I'm sure if it was an award ceremony for what a great dad he is, he would have sucked it up.
i loved watching your gradual dawning horror about the BS this man pulled lol
i have social anxiety too and i'm definitely one of those people who also doesn't do well with public speaking but like that one commenter said, when my sister got engaged and i knew a MOH speech was in my future, i sucked it up and gave one. it wasn't long, got a couple laughs, and idr any of the actual speech because i blacked out, but i sucked it up because it wasn't about me. i already couldn't do any of the other MOH duties (due to both a recent diagnosis of lupus and general lack of knowing how to plan/cooradinate events), i wasn't about to disappoint on the few that i COULD do. i was assured by several people it was a good speech, at least, but i wanted to sink into the floor the entire time
In the almost 40 years that I've been on this blue marble, I have left early from a wedding exactly TWICE. One was, as Jamie says, long after the cake was cut and the party had been going for almost an hour. The other one WAS before the reception because I unfortunately was required to be in Canada by the next morning. The difference between me and the father in the story is that I wasn't involved in the wedding aside from being a standard guest. Moreover, I had explained my situation to the couple and apologized, and they had told me that they were just happy that I would be able to be there to see them get married.
My bf and I have been together 5.5 months and are looking at the engagement and wedding process for the future.
My bfs mom has a chronic condition called lupus so I honestly thank you for this cause this makes me want to create pockets for her for the possible future reception
Please please please keep in mind that with Lupus, an early departure like the one in this story is not at all selfish or personal, but a medical necessity.
I have Multiple Sclerosis, and am worried about making it through my daughter’s wedding next month-it’s a real balance between pushing yourself as hard as possible to be there for your children, but also not wanting to take the attention from them by pushing so hard you hurt yourself. If I ignore the warning signs and stay too long I could wind up fainting or having seizures, which would really put a damper on the celebration. So please keep that in mind.
@@joyfulinhope1210 I know. My sister also has chronic fatigue so I know there would be people to keep in mind.
Wow, this is wild to me. Dad is definitely the a hole. Honestly, mom should have stood up to him a bit and said something about at least staying until after the mother/son dance. That is a moment neither of them can get back.
wait ... he left BEFORE pics? why show up at all at that point?
I do not do well in large gatherings (hell even small ones) or social events. I have extreme misophonia and get overstimulated and overwhelmed easily. I also have social anxiety when around new people but am an extroverted introvert and can fake it well with people I know. Going to a wedding I would never leave after the ceremony like this. I would step outside if I needed to get away for a moment and there are definitely appropriate times to leave early. But the mom just leaving with the dad so she didn't have to drive by herself, what was the point of taking 2 cars then?!
Unrelated to the video, but I love this hair color on you, Jamie! 🤗
Came here to say the same thing!
I feel like the son is so used to his dad doing this that he wouldn’t have said anything, because what’s the point? The DIL calling is actually a good sign for me. It’s hard watching someone suffer in silence especially if it’s your significant other. Instead of berating her for her “temper” he should be happy that his son has someone willing to go to bat for him when it counts. This isn’t some random event they missed. It’s their son’s wedding!! If they aren’t going to dip out about it now when else would they?
We love these AITA videos so much! I feel like most of us found you in the middle of wedding planning, and you helped calm us down so much. But after the wedding I want nothing to do with wedding planning anymore im done 😅. So these videos keep me coming back to your channel because I miss your videos! Keep making them please the stories are so interesting!
Same!
My husband and I got married last month, we had an issue with his aunty wanting to leave at an “unconfirmed time” between the ceremony and dinner.
She was so difficult the whole lead up to the wedding, and is actually very narcissistic, so in the end I politely told her it would be inappropriate to leave mid dinner or so early because the venue was very remote and also it was a small wedding 24 guests each.
Even the week before the wedding she was kicking a fuss up and giving excuse after excuse after excuse.
We are so so glad she didn’t come, maybe the couple should have had a more candid conversation about what they wanted the dad and mom to do, what they as a couple were comfortable with.
❤️
This dark warm brown hair color is so flattering!
Where is the mom in this moment!?!?! She should've stayed regardless of dad leaving. If dad had anxiety great he leaves no big surprise. Mom is really the A-hole here for not staying for her son. 😢
Yeah, they could have taken two vehicles or arranged with someone else to take the mom home after. I have anxiety (wasn't diagnosed yet at any wedding I attended), but still managed to stay through the meal and part of the dancing.
I thought this too. Especially since she knew other things were planned.
There were 150 people at the wedding, and no one could give her a ride?
Even if I was having a mental moment i wouldnt deny child and spouse the special dance wtf
Just popping in to say your hair-the color, the cut, idk what’s different but it looks SO GOOD on you!
I feel so heard. I am very passionate which comes across as having a temper to most people….
My mother (76) left my wedding early, with my aunt (67) and uncle (67). Honestly it didn't bother me at all and I was glad to see her go. It was so stressful having her there for the entire days before the wedding and the day of, that I was happy to be free of the duties. I had to put her first and foremost, because no one else would help me with her, so I didn't really get a chance to enjoy anything. I never even got my mani/pedi the day before like I'd been scheduled to do. (She lives 6 hours away, I had to go get her (Wednesday) and drive her back to where we live on Thursday, then it was making sure she was not abandoned at the hotel for the days and activities leading up to the wedding.)
Word of caution on people saying they have social anxiety. I have social anxiety and find ways to suck it up and be present, usually that involves me taking a helper role and trying to fade into the background. My ex made the claim that he had social anxiety to get out of or explain his behavior at certain family functions. This excuse got blown apart by my youngest son who called out my ex for being a narcissist after my ex DESTROYED our youngest son’s high school graduation. I then realized what my kids had already known. My ex was very chatty and enjoyed social events with his friends or his side of the family when he was the center of attention. Ex had to leave early, refuse to talk at, and complain about any event that wasn’t about him. Once I realized I very much standing by him and explaining away his bad behavior as social anxiety.
I actually really appreciate you pointing out that the dad might have actually had strong social anxiety. He's still the a-hole here, but I appreciate the reframing of the situation given that he is from a generation that treated men in a certain way that didn't allow for feeling the things we are more open about more recently, and how that may have played a factor in his reaction around the wedding. I honestly didn't consider that idea myself so I'm grateful for the opportunity to expand my own mindset here.
I will say if I had been the new wife here, I absolutely would have reamed the dad out over this. I realize that it isn't necessarily my place to do so but I don't think I'd be able to restrain myself. They skipped the photos?? This is so much worse than I thought it could be.
I love these videos, you are such a good story teller and have great insights! I wish you did these videos more often!❤
I clicked this SO FAST, what a series Jamie 😍
I have autism, social anxiety and an eating disorder, but I would never leave a wedding before cake/dance. No matter how hard it might be, I will be there for the couple.
Please please please talk about the drama with the wedding cake and the coordinator - look for Malina Lee. My mind is blown and I’d love to hear your take on it.
I cannot imagine any decent Mom leaving early. Get a ride with a family member or a hotel room! She was hurt by the bully husband. She should have said you leave now you just keep on driving!!
Idk I had the worst anxiety of my life at my brothers wedding and the worst IBS flair, and I stayed the whole time. I attended to guests he didn’t want to, and I helped the bridesmaid drama. You do your best for family.
Please do more videos like this!
Not going to lie, I would be the daughter in law. Yes, I would check in on my partner, but if anything that would make me livid. And I would be calling screaming at him. I am loyal, I am protective, and when I love you, I am ride or die. Anyone makes my people miserable, I make sure they hear from me and I make it known that they're dead in books. Honestly, I might have been nastier than the DIL in this story. I also admit I have experience with a dad dipping last minute for a big event and getting the "so where is he?" Questions for the entire night. I'd be angry on so many levels in this scenario.
It's quite common for guests in my family and friends group to only attend the ceremony and not go to the reception (yes, often due to anxiety)
But that needs to be WELL established! Especially if someone is expected to be part of the wedding.... that sounds insane to me.
He could have waiting until the mother son dance, or come back and gotten mom or arranged a ride home for her. Something to still let that expected moment happen
This is giving me flashbacks to issendai's guide on recognizing narcissistic parents 😬
Wouldn’t a narcissist relish in the photos speeches etc? Being father of the groom is a good role
As someone whose autism gives him social anxiety and it dislikes large gatherings on top of that. Your suggested changing language to mental health language by itself would not change our position or at least mine. But if he started there and then went on to explain the difference between leaving when he did and leaving at the end of the cake that could. He would probably still be for the way he reacted to being confronted but I wouldn't necessarily say he was for leaving. There would still be the question of the mom leaving before the mother's Sundance, but that's whether she's the A.H.
So to make it to nah, First you would need that mental health language.You talked about then you would need a specific acknowledgment of after the cake versus before dinner and how that interacted with the mental health on that one hour difrance. Then he would have had to talk about a balism as opposed to talking to inlaws with his daughter in law. Then the conversation with his son would have also had to be about that. And interestingly on top of being the minimum to get to NAH it would have probably gotten to nta under those circumstances.
Different take: the dad can't stand being in social situations where HE IS NOT the main character. Just throwing that out there as a possibility since it's clear he missed his son's graduation, ball games, plays and all else. I doubt the guy missed his own promotion party.
I am family to many narcissistic personality disorder. This screams NPD if he was really just socially anxious, he could have gone into a side room, gone to a little corner and just had some moments to himself. It doesn't make up for everything else he's done to his son throughout his entire life of never showing up for him. And my only explanation does is that he doesn't actually hate large groups. He just resents any event that isn't about him
He also mentioned he left bc he didn't think the food looked appealing. He didn't choose his meal so now he's pissy
This makes a lot more sense than any sort of anxiety.
Yes yes and yes. Not to mention he also pulled the mum from the event. Not Ill come and get you later, I;; organise a taxi/uber for your/ someone else from the wedding could take her home, get her accomodation close and pick her up the next day.
I love your reaction videos and you look so beautiful. ❤
I suspect the biggest problem was that the mom left with the dad. Dad warned son ahead of time he would leave early, but nothing was said about the mom. Which would be why she missed the scheduled mother-son dance.
As an introvert with bad social anxiety who also has ADHD and experiences sensory overload, I totally understand wanting to leave a wedding early. I have done it myself! After everyone else had started dancing (after the cake) and the scheduled part of the evening was over.
This always still makes me feel a bit guilty, as weddings are special occasions and often double as family reunions. I always seek out the bride and/or groom to give my congratulations, thanks and apologies before leaving.
But…BOTH the parents dipping out on their son’s wedding early? Before dinner, even? Missing toasts (and not giving toasts, which parents often traditionally do), missing the special dances, not eating the carefully chosen food, witnessing the cutting of the cake (also a big moment), not being around to experience this with their son and new daughter-in-law or support them through what is also an emotionally taxing event?
And to do all that publicly, where other guests will ask about their absence? That is insulting, humiliating and hurtful.
It sounds like, from the son’s response when they left, and the fact he didn’t complain when the dad first mentioned he’d leave early, like he doesn’t feel like he can just confront the dad about it. So, his protective new wife called up to rip her in-laws a new one, and when they called to complain about HER, the son finally lost it and said what he’d been thinking for a long time. Sounds like a kid who has accumulated a greater and greater wound over time. Unfortunate it came out over what should have been a happy occasion, but at least now they can deal with it.
I think you are probably right that the dad simply doesn’t know how to express why he doesn’t like large gatherings. The wording, which sounds casually dismissive, likely made things worse.
My husband and I got married pretty young. But I instilled a rule that has worked really well for our relationship with in-laws. We deal with our own families. When plans are being made I communicate with my side of the family and he communicates with his. This way we are a united front as well as in-laws can't complain that it's the spouse keeping their child from coming to family events. Idk if I would of texted as the DIL. But, I would definitely support my new husband in communicating his disappointment and hurt in his Dad.
if my parents treated me like that I would kindly never talk to them again :)
Another thing is that they apparently didnt even say goodbye, which could have avoided a lot of the miscommunication here
Please please please do a wedding dress friendly bra review! I am floundering I have no idea what to buy or who to trust.
They should have made a quite time and space for the dad to get away for a little while. Or, made sure the mom was all set to ride home with someone else she trusted. The dad clearly has
The dad is who he is. He clearly has a history of having social issues. Therefore the couple should have planned better for the reality of the dad's issues instead of getting mad at him for having issues. The history says that he can't pick and choose where the issues effect his life, so he works around them. It's like telling someone with broken legs they should get over it and stand up and walk like everyone else. It's hard when the barrier is invisible, but that doesn't mean it isn't crippling.
The good thing is that he knows his limit and is upfront. The bad thing is the people closest to still expecting him to be a different person. The couple couple could have done a few things to accommodate this issue. 1. Make sure there was a quite place the dad could escape to that was walking distance to the venue. 2. As Jamie mentioned, the couple should have given the dad a time when it was good to leave. Socially awkward folks often don't know social norms. He probably thought the ceremony was the important part. While this may seem like a given to people who've attended a lot of weddings, this was probably the only wedding he'd ever been to, since he doesn't do large social gatherings. 3. Make sure the mom was all set to ride home with other trusted friends. Chances are, the mom has been caring for the dad for a long time. He may have trouble driving after being so overwhelmed or may need to sleep 16 hrs or have whatever comforting thing he needs after being in a large gathering. Also, the mom may also have issues, and let's her's hide under her husbands. It's sad when people can't be who we want them to be especially when it's a really important moment.
They could have at least stayed until after dinner, I think. But I agree the groom should have communicated if he knew he was going to be mad all night that they left early.
As a neurodivergent person, I can sympathize because not having any food to eat sucks and 150 guests sounds like literal hell. But there are some things you can do to avoid this situation. Bringing earplugs and taking frequent bathroom breaks to get away from all the people. Keeping a snack in your pocket so that you can eat it while everyone else is having dinner or getting involved in planning the menu and if it’s really overwhelming, then you can leave right after the dance instead of before it
Im with all the other people saying the dad shouldve waited in the car so the groom could have that dance with his mom. He wouldve been there for the photos too if he had just stepped out for a while. I say this as someone who has diagnosed social anxiety. There are many, many, many ways to deal with this. The father chose the easy way out
I don’t think I would have called my FIL but I do think it would have come up in person at some point and I can’t predict how it would go from there. But I KNOW I’d bring it up in person later!!!!
I worry this will be my brother at my wedding. Last family holiday at my home he retreqted into my basement and drank half a bottle of crown. :(
I haven’t been to many weddings and didn’t know you had to stay until the cake cutting. I’ve left early twice, but they were huge weddings and I didn’t really know them, certainly not a parent. One of those times I just went to go sit in the car for a while and fell asleep while my partner stayed.
Parents actions can make or break a wedding day. My dad and his wife moved from ND to UT just 6 months before my original wedding date (later delayed 3 month due to "The Vid"). He decided when they came back, for my wedding, to bring along their 3 dogs. We told him multiple times it would be a bad idea. SURPRISE! He didn't listen. My dad left my wedding moments after our father daughter dance. Gone without saying good-bye to me, my new husband, or my brother. He had the audacity to give my (step)sister said "put this [$10] to the "$ dance". We're heading out". Turns out they left all because he didn't want to "leave the 3 dogs alone for to long" at his BIL's house. MIND YOU THIS he was late to getting ready & pictures prior to the wedding because of these damn dogs as well. It broke my heart when I found out he left. This action been branded into my memory of when I realized his dogs are more important. My MIL hurt my Husband dearly on our wedding day as well, when she wouldn't help him set up decor at our wedding, even though she made multiple comments about not being involved. On our wedding day, we had to do everything (rehearsal, setup, wedding, etc) in 5 ish hours. My husband begged his mom to come help him, his dad and the groomsmen set up the wedding decor, but she refused. Said she wouldn't leave our house until it was her time to get her hair and makeup done. When I saw him at rehearsal, about half way through setting up, I saw he was upset. So, pulled him aside to see what was wrong. He ended up tearing up while he told me what happened. I ended up setting up because I had about an hour to spare before I was needed, all while my wedding party got ready. I couldn't let him feel unsupported on what is his "big day" too. MIL lazily sat at our home while the whole wedding party was either setting up or getting dressed. To this day she states she was left out of her "baby boys big day" even though it was at her own choosing. You sir are the A-Hole! Love these video's keep coming back even tho I have been married for almost 4 years now.
Wedding or funeral it is your choice to attend. Simply let people know when they ask in the beginning. If Dad had said "I plan to leave ten minutes after the ceremony then any needed discussions about photos, dances, etc could have happened with cooler heads. A request to be at the wedding as well as spending an hour at the reception surely would have been happily accommodated by this Dad.
It sounds like this dad has autism and is either undiagnosed or has no interest in taking responsibility for himself. I am autistic, i have a lot of sensory and food issues. Many many weddings ive been to have been literal torture to me and i have left a wedding early more than once. But as I've grown (and gotten more medication and treatment) there are many more compassionate ways the dad could have behaved. He could have worn ear plugs, taken a break by sitting in his car or the bathroom, brought snacks, asked the son the earliest time he'd be comfortable with the dad leaving, made sure that even if he left the mom could stay, left a heartfelt note apologizing for the early exit. If i know i need to go to a big event like this i might stay home and rest and avoid people for a whole day or two to make sure i have the fullest battery possible for the event. Maybe even (as mentioned) come late to make sure to be there for the most important parts of the day. So while i think people may be underestimating just how hard weddings can be for certain people, i do agree that this father profoundly failed at planning ahead, taking responsibility, or communicating properly with his son about priorities, expectations, and intent.
Yall, I think we can be more patient with the Dad here. To me the Dad sounds autistic: 1. Really dislikes large gatherings (overstimulating). 2. Has food sensitivities (didn’t want to eat the food). 3. Doesn’t apparently have any negative intentions, but didn’t understand what he was “expected” to do in the situation or why people reacted the way they did.
I have both strong social anxiety and food allergies. I wouldn’t even think about abandoning my own child at their wedding. This dad sucks.
I totally agree, it sounds more like autism or mental health issue. Criticism without awareness of this is like bashing mental or behavioral health
The fact that he had to guesstimate DIL's age makes it clear he doesn't give a shit about their marriage.
I feel like both parents are the aholes, not just the dad. All the excuses in the story are wild! I also don't agree with calling somebody and immediately yelling and throwing insults at them. I understand her anger but how was that supposed to end well? I think she or OPs son should've calmly expressed their disappointment. Dad probably still would've stood his ground, but calling people out the blue and fussing only makes both parties more upset.
OP has zero excuse. I have social anxiety and at least stay for dinner. He wasn't alone he was with his WIFE and FAMILY. The anxiety is way worse in a room of strangers, but with your own family you couldn't stay for dinner? I never thought about the photos! 😳😱😱 If he missed the photos, I don't think his son will ever forgive him
I don’t think he thought through this, sir it’s your kids wedding
Putting aside situations like this one where the dad is clearly an AH, please take Jamie’s advice on being flexible and giving grace for actually disabled people.
My daughter is getting married next month-my son, my mother, and I are all disabled. My daughter made sure to pick a handicapped accessible venue, and she planned family photos before the ceremony so that they would get done before things get too difficult/overwhelming.
My son’s disability is mostly mental, and he’ll most likely leave as soon as the ceremony ends, but again, this has been planned for ahead of time to avoid disrupting the event.
Parents leaving son’s wedding early: I think this is a planning issue and a lack of care for other people’s feelings. The mother knowing her husband would leave early should have arranged a ride so that she should stay. The dad needed to suck it up and stay until the appropriate time. This affected pictures and other wonderful moments. Shame on him for not putting his child first on this special day. If I was the DIL I would have pulled them aside before they left and let them know what important moments they would miss and how it would affect their son’s future relationship with them. I would have been polite but let them know it’s not okay.
I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder & even I wouldn’t be an asshole like this. I find a quiet corner or sit in the bathroom (most venues have a sitting area in the bathroom that’s very nice). This dad is just a selfish jerk used to having his way & he’s not used to being called out.
Wooooow, the father is so full of himself. Also, what kind of baffles me is the fact that he said the food looked unappetizing.. which he could have asked his son what kind of food was going to be at the wedding, and if he had a problem with it the father could have just said 'oh, I don't like that kind of food, Will there be any other options?' I do agree that the wife probably should have just stayed out of the drama, but I can't fault her for standing up for her new husband. I think this dad is a massive asshole. I would be so hurt if my dad, who I am planning on having a father-daughter dance with, decided to leave before we could do that because one, I took time out of my wedding planning to find the perfect song for that, and two, I have been looking forward to that and I know my dad has to (so this wouldn't even happen) but the fact that this son had his mother taken away from the event before he could even accomplish that dance is just terrible. I don't care if the dad has social anxiety- he could have just went and sat in the car or gotten away by walking outside, or did whatever he had to, but he didn't and he dragged the whole rest of the family's event down because of his personal feelings.
My dad cant stand large gatherings and he even came to my after party! I dont know this man but its pretty selfish to not attempt to work past it
I will say his wording and the way he phrases things really makes him sound like an A-hole and like "well I told you" and gave the attitude of "this is who I am and I will not make any changes for anyone".
My guess, is that the family is conditioned to follow dad. Why else would mom leave? I’m guessing bride was broken hearted over how it affected her husband, and furious that neither of them was willing to talk about it and snapped. Sometimes, in order to break a toxic culture, you have to be the squeaky wheel.
After reading the book ‘strong female character’ by Feen Brady. I wonder if he is Autistic?? I mean, if he doesn’t see why the behaviour is upsetting to others. At the end of the day it’s social rules and if you don’t understand them, if you are deeply uncomfortable with crowds and masking with strangers. Also, it’s not really in their nature to lie or know when they are being lied to so why would they then lie about the food being not what they want to eat? Just speculation. I’m no psychologist. None of this reads deliberately malicious…..
NTA for communicating you are uncomftorable and will leave ear;y, TA for leaving before dinner and cake, the mother son dance, and being rude to your new daughter in law, then telling your son because "he needs to know she has an attitude". You could have left right after dinner, cake, and the mother son dance
I wonder if the dad is autistic. Not to excuse behavior because I am autistic and I would *never* but it just makes me wonder with the social difficulties, food pickiness, and the lack of emotional awareness and tone. Either way, I think you gave great tips on some accommodations that could have happened had there been more communication.
So if he has immense social anxiety he could have gone into the bridal party room and sat for a half an hour. Then, maybe go and do some perfunctory eating to just perform your fatherly responsibility which was to be a warm body in a room for four hours. He could have even waited in his car, on a bench outside or anywhere for mom to do the tradition in his quiet place. But Dad drags Mom home, too? Get a couple Xanax to hang in for four hours. Jebus, this incredibly selfish ahole!
Story 1 probably assumptions on both sides.
I disagree that the son had that much to do with the communication breakdown. Both of his parents knew that there was a mother/son dance. Surely he wasn't wrong to assume his parents would stay THAT long at least. Frankly, after reading the OP's comments on this, it sounds less like OP has social anxiety, and more like he has main character syndrome. I hope his DIL has better parents.
I just feel like I need to add my grain of salt about the funeral comment. It's not the same thing. Weddings are about the couple, not the attendees, funerals are about the attendees, funerals are for the living. The dead are dead, they don't care anymore. Funerals are a rite for the living to process the death and their feelings associated with it, by remembering and paying hommage to the dead person.
"yes I love him" no you don't. You don't speak like that to someone you love
The dad seems socially clueless to the point where he likely is autistic and/or hasn't ever been to a wedding. He should be evaluated, as it might shine a light on what's happening. Yes, I know the dad is married, but they probably didn't have a wedding or it was very small.
In any case, the couple knew the groom's parents have issues, so they should have planned around it, and made sure both parents knew about the important parts not to miss. Some people really do need to be told the whole time line of events ahead of the event. If one's never been to a wedding, it would be silly to assume they know about pictures or the other important events following the ceremony.
Yes, it's a lot of work for the couple, but the parents are broken, so they've gotta work around the sad reality of the situation.
When people don't get their social anxiety under control, they start to degrade the lives of those around them.
Honestly, this man sounds like he is on the spectrum. He doesn't like big gatherings (overstimulation), doesn't get social norms and has no ability to mentalize others' mindstate, emotions. The thing is, at that age, he won't be receptive to a diagnosis and treatment. He lived the better half of his life like this, everyone had accepted it, he won't be bothered to change things.
I don't think it's weird at all...he was there for the ceremony, that's the part that matters. His son should know his dad well enough to have expected him to leave early and was, in fact, given a heads up. Not the a*hole...not at all. And the DIL...wow, to be so disrespectful is unreal. Also, the wife/Mom leaving with, that's on her, not the dad...she could have gotten a ride with someone.
No, the dad is a massive selfish piece of work asshole. It takes no effort to be a present parent a your son’s wedding and the son is lucky to have a wife who stands up for him, it takes courage to be a new wife and stand up to your self indulgent selfish father in law. The mother in law is just as bad for leaving as well.
Anything but staying until the END of the event for your son’s wedding and also offering to help with anything is unacceptable.
I guess I’m alone because I don’t think the dad is the asshole. The mom is. They made the plan to leave separately so there was no reason for her to change her mind. She should’ve stayed. She was being weird in my opinion. The son knew ahead of time and should have said that it was an issue. And the daughter in law was rude.
A) This man is absolutely an a hole. B) Throwing yourself an extravagant party is cool and everything, but the reverence our society has for wedding receptions is objectively absurd and, in some ways, damaging.
Is there a joke in the spelling of inappropriate in the title? If not then you might want to change it 🙄
So I have an interesting perspective here. My mom did not attend my Jan 2024 wedding for a very similar reason. My mother has suffered with social anxiety for years. Even before I was born. That and other mental health issues. She planned to attend and even showed me dresses she would want to wear. In the end, her fear didn’t allow her to come to the wedding. She is almost 70 which I assume is around the age of the OP. Though very disappointed I understood. I’m not saying he is or isn’t the AH. I just understand who my mom is and this was not her first or third time. I have pictures with only my dad and moments that my makeup artist has to step in and do things my mom would do. But I just get that is who my mom is. I think mental illness just robs everyone in the path of the person who suffers of so many moments. Hope my perspective sheds tiny light from another perspective. 🩷
They should have made a quite time and space for the dad to get away for a little while. Or, made sure the mom was all set to ride home with someone else she trusted. The dad clearly has