Responding vs Reacting (Next Level Skills)
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 28 เม.ย. 2018
- This video is a follow-up from the Responding vs. Reacting video I did in 2017. Last week I did a quick guide version of that video. Check it out if you haven’t had a chance yet. It really simplifies the process into basic steps. Here’s the link: • Responding vs. Reactin... Learn about the 2 phases of developing the ability to respond instead of reacting when someone psychologically abuses you or provokes you to react. This skill helps you take your power back and stop giving other people control over you.
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NOTE: Meredith Miller is not a therapist or counselor. She is a holistic integration coach, helping you to self-heal and transform your life after narcissistic abuse and toxic relationships. Meredith teaches the mindsets and tactical skills to help with recovery. She works with a mind-body-spirit approach to wellness that is a valuable complement to traditional psychotherapy. Meredith recommends that you also seek out a licensed therapist who has experience with narcissistic abuse and relational trauma in order to help you with the complex-PTSD symptoms. Thank you for taking responsibility for yourself!
You’re saving so many people from slipping into depression, more anxiety issues, trauma, etc. Knowledge is freedom. We are so happy to have the ability to hear you. You’re literally helping to save my actual life...........
You are saving your life! I’m glad this info is helping you ❤️
My aha moment was realizing the narcissistic didn't care about me. It was all about him. That knowledge was freeing.
im starting to see the same
Validation is key to our recovery.
I agree- however- it really hurts when the narc is your very own child you love with all your heart.......
That has been the most frustrating and difficult thing for me. Part of my brain knows he doesn’t care about me, but my inner child is convinced that this is the parent who will look after me. This has been so off the scale that I was suicidal, because I felt there was no escape. Now I can see the light of freedom ahead.
Susan S 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
“Develop boundaries like a mo-fo” LOVE. IT😍
Changing how you respond to toxic people is true strength, it took me three years to reprogram my mind to not respond to my abusive mother's emotional abuse.
I've been trying my best to not respond to her but everytime I see her, she triggers me and I can't control myself I respond and after I feel bad about me for days because I have failed again.
@@personne3837me too😢
Your Responding vs. Reacting videos make me feel like I hold the keys to the universe. I wake up in the morning so much lighter and happier than I used to. Thank you so much!
Me too. This is so good
Yes in one of your videos you said " do you get this response when saying no to something and how they respond to it. Anyhow I didn't react and i kept calm. I even asked this" you get off to seeing me so distressed and he told me yes I do".
How I interpret this video advice: instead of treating the Narcissist as being higher and grander - the way they want to be seen - just flip it around that assume the higher and grander position yourself back to them. So when they push a button, instead of giving away your power by reacting, you just take away their power by being condescending toward them. E.g., you are a bit overweight and wish you were slimmer. The narc says something like 'you look like you may have gained a pound or two lately, have you? (You know you have gained a bit of weight and hate it - so you feel angry). You say back to them: 'you know what, [narc name] I wonder sometimes why it is that you are so insecure that you keep such close tabs on me and my weight. It's not natural. No one else has. Why don't you focus on your own insecurity issues instead of my weight." This immediately tells them that their prod hasn't worked and you have weaved a message into your response that implies that they are far from perfect and need to work on something. This is a narc injury. They won't do it again.
One of the most intelligent psychoanalyzers on the Tube.
I always redpond with "ya know, you may be right" while rubbing my chin. She(my NM) walks away confused. Its so funny. Plus, i'm instantly freed up because she's no longer interested in conversing with me. Great video. Great topic. Blessings.😊👍
Agreed 100% Wish I would have known this 20+yrs ago.
Tory Scott sorey to know that ... but its never too late
It took me three years to master this method.
Some of us are slow learners, but thank goodness this information is out there and we can learn and evolve. With me, it's my sister, who has emotionally bullied and manipulated me my entire life. I'm taking back my power now that I understand what's going on, but still, it saddens me and I grieve for the sibling relationship I'll never have.
That's the whole purpose of Narcs we learn lessons through them about healthy interaction with unhealthy individuals. You live and you learn. You learn and you live.
@@TheCarolgibbons if we are slowly learning an evolving then this is the sign of a true human.
Feeling like the narcissist gets to have all the fun screaming and getting away with things, knowing that it is power to not have those same emotional reactions as the narcissist opened my eyes the most. Thank god for your videos. I don't know where I would be Meredith 💓
I'm learning this skill and I must say that now everytime I don't react to a provocation makes me feel more powerful, it feels wonderful keeping my peace intact. Thanks for your lessons :)
I have used those short phrases. My best one was " I am sorry you feel that way." It worked so well. Thank you for all of the great guidance.
"I am sorry you feel that way" is actually a classic narcissist apology. I dont think I would use that phrase.
Great video, this helps me a lot. mastering emotional (childish) reactions, and transforming them into an undisturbed peace, is my life goal.
Please share what learn here.
I like "undisturbed peace"! I need some of that in my life!!!!
I face this problem so many times and I'm very empathetic, It drains my energy alot.
My response was "I'm not you", after an attack That caused the narcissist to walk away within a minute.
Gray Rock works, it literally deflates the energy out of them.
I'm finding that so many narcs have things so scripted that when you break the (their) routine, they don't know what to do.
Sometimes it does. Not always, though, especially if you are bit wobbly and they've pressed a button that really does hurts. Sometimes it can prompt them to try an even greater attempt to prod at your weaknesses until they get the reaction they do want which could get you into a lot of trouble too, instead of being ignored like before when the button push didn't work and you stayed calm and didn't react at all or just walked away. GR probably works better when you aren't likely to see them any time soon or you genuinely aren't bothered, so you are responding to how you genuinely feel because they've miscalculated that you have a button you don't have at all (even if you are annoyed that they tried). But most of the time you will be genuinely hurt because the button push does hurt and is not a miscalculation on their part, but you still mustn't show it. That's a different kettle of fish altogether. So, if you are privately hurt but can't afford to let on to your narc that you are, for fear of giving them supply and permission to do that same again, I prefer to use the 'flip around' technique that provides a clear narc injury to your narc without lowering yourself to their level and it denies them supply too. Here's a scenario: your narc believes that you are sensitive about losing your job lately and are a bit short of cash and can't afford that replacement car he knows you need and want. So they say something button pushing like: "hey when are you going to change your car, I've just got a great deal on mine lately (trying to show you the result in the carpark). Isn't that great? Clearly they want you to feel lousy about having less cash than them and maybe you do too. But the trick is not to show it. Instead, you need to convey that 1. you are teaching them to be a better person (makes them feel inferior) and that 2. what they had said to you hadn't bothered you (no supply). So just say calmly as a response without answering the question by agreeing it is a great car (between clenched teeth and fists) 1. "You know what, I have to wonder why it is that keeping my older car is so very important to you. Personally, I am not remotely bothered by what car you drive because I'm not insecure enough to compare the car I drive with other peoples' cars. I grew out of that yonks ago." Say this with a patronising smile. That response tells them 1. They are silly and inferior and childish for having commented on your car in the first place and 2. It shows them you aren't bothered by the car they drive, even if it's newer than yours. You make them feel inferior (narc injury) don't give them supply either (by being bothered). Grey rock is just one prong - a refusal to give supply - it doesn't address the need to provide them with narcissistic injury as well, e.g., just walking away or not answering or just agreeing with what they've said and reminding them you are entitled to your point of view that differs. Reacting is even worse. This could take the form of explaining that you intend to buy one soon. Or trying to hurt them back "oh, go to hell, you p***" or "what an awful car. I would never buy a piece of junk like that" or flattening them and risking an assault charge. That just gives them supply or supply with a bloody nose too because 1. It isn't junk, very likely, and displays that you are lying and hurt and 2. you are annoyed and angry. They will really hate this two pronged approach (narc supply withholding and narc injury approach) and know that if they try a stunt like that again they are likely to get worse the next time with your condescension and unflappability (which they definitely don't want). It is easier said that done though and does take practice. You just have to recognise and believe that you are the one with the power and they are the needy ones that need you (or another victim) for supply. You don't need them though. Narcs are essentially manipulators that tries to convince their victims that they are powerless when, in fact, they are the weak and dependent parasites and need to leech off their targets, only they don't want them to realise that truth. Once you show them and truly believe that because it is true, you will not be their victim again.
Yes, it does take time for this to work. But, I was fortunate one morning at work, a week into watching your videos when I tried "That's interesting. I wonder why you think that." to a person who is very toxic. Damn. It worked. They were nonplussed and speechless. A first.
GREAT job!
I look forward to using that one😎🙂
One of my daughters always responded her whole life to her aunt (my sister)and her stepdad both narcissist. I always thought why does she not fight back ? I asked her and she said why give people like that the time of day. I know what happened. They would get so mad at her and sometimes rage at her and she still gave no response. She has been like this her whole life with toxic people and especially these two. I guess she got it from my mom.who helped raised her. Not from me..lol.. They called her weak and it makes sense now they were weak and were projecting. I always reacted to these two but now I respond since your first video. I have a saying I see at my desk every day "observe dont obsorb". Thank you meredith I no longer react to toxic abusers. I always admired that mature quality in my daughter. When I talk about you to her and your advice she giggles and says see I told you to stop reacting..lol..it works as when I stopped giving reactions to these two my Ex left and so did my sister..
You have a wise daughter! It’s also great that you can be humble and learn from her.
That is pretty amazing! What a gift for your daughter to have been blessed with.
Crazy timing. Was just grappling with some cognitive dissonance today around the 'passive aggressive' accusation regarding no contact/grey rock. You just confirmed what i realized today. That's their only last ditch effort at getting a reaction! Not only that, it's a projection as they are experts at covert (passive) aggression.
My light bulb moment was when you said they call you “cold”. I remember my colleages used to say “Does anything upset you?”.I felt so confused because I know myself as a kind person.
Reacting (and over-reacting) has been a lifelong issue for me, and one I've been aware of (and have worked on within myself) for some time. It's interesting to me that I allow it to slip back into my unconscious and (like an old addiction) find myself reverting back to that automatic response. What a tremendous lesson you're teaching. I am going to make a conscious decision to remind myself daily about the possibility of this coming up for me and work on responding in the least reactionary manner. God bless you, Meridith.
Yesss, all of it!! I was so blind to my childish reactions. I am learning day to day. Journaling has helped so much.
I debated confronting rude behaviour, but decided to simply regroup & carry on with bland indifferent distance.
This made a positive difference within me - I felt good b/c I remained in control of myself by boringly deflecting (and not reacting).
I suddenly didn’t care & projected that thru grey rock.
As if to say: your behaviour reflects you, not me! It also has zero effect on me.
No reaction equaled restoring my power - and it did.
Thank you!
GREAT job!
Inner Integration Thank you Meredith! 💙
Thank you. This is one of the things I've needed to focus on after 40 years of narcissistic abuse. Very empowering.
I can't thank you enough, Meredith! I really need all the help I can get in this area. I had an emotional outburst last week that left me fully aware of the changes I need to make. I'll never be at peace if I don't work on controlling my emotions. This video really helped me connect with my inner knowing. 💓
Loved this video. I'm in process of practicing not reacting. The more I respond the better I feel!
I love this “holding the feelings that don’t belong to” me and neutralizing my own hot buttons so they can’t poke at me ❤️❇️💜💎Thank you so very much. I am working on my exit strategy (implementing it)
Love the 'drop the ball' analogy! Let them play alone, like Meredith says it's not even about us as the target but them and their toxicity. Not reacting is actually the best thing I learned, as it shows them they ain't as special as they think....play poker face and keep dropping the ball! Great stuff Meredith
I feel so empowered after hearing this 💪
This is so good. So accurate. My mentor taught it to me in the form of either being the thermometer (reacting to the social temperature) or the thermostat (setting the social temperature) in relationships. I grew up being the thermometer (reacting!) but I am growing into being a thermostat (responding). It's a wonderful thing. Thank you for this teaching; it's right on!
Great metaphor!
Your videos have literally saved my life and sanity. Thank you!
Thank you Meredith, I appreciate you addressing my question about how to handle the "hit and run" comments, I will just keep on walking away, ignore the behavior and the person !!!
Fantastic, Meredith! I need to heal myself from years of bullying.
Putting the power entirely to your hands is freeing on all levels, it’s part of letting go of abuse and even codependency, very powerful stuff 🙏🏻
I learned a lot from your videos. I now know I can think and keep my integrity before reacting.
I laughed out loud at "you might as well wait for the govt to admit their corruption" lmao
Outstanding how you break down what Gray Rock really means and also telling people to feel those feelings later. I think many people just stuff them and that is what causes dis-ease in the body. Never stuff your feelings. I love this video.
Yasss! That's exactly the difference between stuffing them and hitting pause to explore the feelings later.
Well said!
You say it well. I'm learning about this. Thank God for an exit strategy.
I am 1yr post abandoned-wife since my narcissist/ psychopathic Husband of 28 yrs kicked me out for the 2nd time in 4 & 1/2 yrs. I was devastated , stunned , ill prepared and frozen for 6 + months. I have lived partially homeless by myself , staying at some friends rarely.
My husband moved to his mothers home w/ our cats , belongings. I was given 1 day to remove my things. This has been extremely difficult. Plus I know I am codependent and this process/ grieving state has been unbearable to endure everyday .
I still wake up and automatically wonder where my husband, is out of habit . But no coffee comes. But the abuse cycle, I have realized has shifted. The attachment I have to our unhealthy patterns and the dysfunctional dance that we were accustomed to has been a huge change . It blows my mind that I would once again , be agreeable to my husbands attempts to win me back ! Sick!
I can’t believe my incapacity to say no ! I have lived his life for all these yrs , endured abuse, psychological/physical/emotional .
He has taunted me , deliberately brought me to my knees with the emotional abuse and neglect.
This dance pattern is our default. My homeless exp of 1 yr + living, with few options avail and I have no family, no siblings, parents gone, etc.
plus the absence of my in laws throughout this is blowing my mind ! I thought I was significant ?! I hadn’t considered the additional loss of my in laws. I’ve had to accept that I am no longer connected with them, their alliance goes automatically to their family. Not to me. I might as well be dead . ( no drama meant, just the truth).
I have struggled with this throughout. They were my own family for nearly 30 yrs! I guess I am naive to what occurs during a separation/divorce. Sure it makes sense. . I have grown accustomed to a sense of belonging, being part of a family/ tribe for 28 yrs.
So being disabled and homeless has been scary and difficult.
I didn’t have a plan B.
But I am starting to gain strength to but I still cry out of control and am experience suicidal ideation several times a day . I don’t want that but it feels like I wont survive . I know these words seem so desperate and poor me and I resent being so self absorbed! I am 54 yrs old ! I have no assets , I have his car with 200,000 miles , I am disabled , mild cognitive impairment and have major depression. I am clueless as to what I am supposed to do . Go to hospital due to my fragile state of mind? What do I do ? How do I know what’s right . I need help to figure out who I am , where I am to go and I am not emotionally equipped to sustain any sense of balance for a more than a day or so. Then it repeats ! Help me maintain some sense of inner strength gain direction , I need help . I have little hope and lack any confidence or self esteem . I am so scared everyday and it is excruciating that my husband is off on his new life having not given me any $$ assistance , even a windfall from his SSDI last Summer ( 07/17) I saw none of this and in calif it’s 50/50! He also has Workman’s comp settlement that I won’t be informed about . I feel so ill equipped to handle this . Yet he is housed , fed , has money , home , family , and no remorse or regrets or grieving process . I meant nothing !?
God it just fucking sucks being almost 55 and what the heck am I to do where to go ? Help me. I know I sound like a immature child and self absorbed and wallowing but I am just putting it all out there . If anyone can help or has ideas I would be grateful . Thank you ! My apologies for the long entry . Lisa J M K
@@lisamcnair9285 I can't ignore your honest outreach. I don't see a way to contact you privately, so if you call me and and say your name, so I know who it is, we can talk this out. Deb at 770-896-8128
Emotional maturity!!! Right on!!! I'm approaching 50 years old and just developed this. So freeing!!! I'm so greatful for loving friends who helped me see this, who loved and accepted me right where I was which was an emotional wreck! It was hard and super painful but now I am a million times Happier and better! Sometimes its difficult cause my abuse steams from an adult narsassistic step child. I love my spouse so much but can not put myself in emotional harms way with this child! Any suggestions Merideth? Thank you! 👍👍👍🙌🙌🙌
Boundaries. Boundaries. Boundaries! The tactics in the video 5 Ways to Disarm Toxic People may help too.
Thank you so much for sharing this amazing information and techniques. I am using these techniques with my narc mother and have really noticed how frustrated she gets when I do not react. When I use phrases like "that's interesting" she replies by mocking me in a childish tone. This has really opened my eyes to how emotionally immature she is.
I appreciate all that you do. Your videos have helped me so much ❤️
GREAT job! Thank you for sharing your success implementing responding instead of reacting.
WOW
Gratitude! Responding instead of reaction is my main goal in 2019. You nailed it. Everything you said is applicable to the life challenges I have been facing over and over and nobody had oriented me in that sense so far. Thank you from Brazil.
You are fantastic. Thank you! I'm still not in a position to see the end of the tunnel yet but I can't tell you how much sanity you have helped me regain with this simple idea. From day one of trying this out, I have felt so much less awful! Married for 18 yrs, with a 16 yr old daughter who has been hurt in so many ways by all this. He's still managed to bait me a few times but there have been NO more exhausting, heart and mind crushing marathon arguments where I try desperately to get him to finally understand ANYTHING! God bless you.
Lisa pierce-smith Oooh, the arguments. All the arguments. Let me tell you, I got out and life is SO MUCH better. I wish you all the best. 💙💙
I learned so much from this video. I feel, with each video, I have much homework to do. Thank you for helping me become a better person.
M Daze I feel the same way 😄 these videos are so great, I‘m so happy I found them ❤️
Great video.
I’ve done the reacting/responding bit but now I smile and say ‘oh you are funny’ in a soft tone.
For me/him it works. I don’t feel anger and it disarms him. I keep smiling as I walk/move away from his presence.
Meredith, you hit on all the points and then some!! You knocked it out of the park. I don't have enough superlatives to describe how this video touched me. Yes, I am (was) that person running down the hall, chasing after the narcissist (narc mom, abuser, gaslighter par excellence) defending, justifying and explaining myself for the things I wasn't even at fault for, and then left holding the bag (HER poisonous feelings). It's so ludicrous when you think about it, to let another human being disturb your state of mind. Thanks for addressing Projective Identification and how to handle it. From now on it's "Could be. That's possible. That's interesting." Choice really is freedom. Thank you so much.
Breakthrough Moment
'Choice is freedom' -golden words .
This explains why we suffered so much in childhood.
A child is so vulnerable and defenseless - imagine the extreme trauma and the aftertremors..........
So haunting is the whole Narc abuse episodes.
Find Faith So true. Just imagine if we had received empowerment, trust and love from our parents right from the jump, instead of their breaking down our defense mechanisms, inner power and inner strength; it's a lot harder to pick up the pieces of a shattered self-esteem and do the necessary repair work. Thankfully, however, we had the good fortune to come across forums like this to gain knowledge, wisdom and awareness to change and learn a new, healthier way of living and thinking.
Breakthrough Moment
Absolutely.
Feel so grateful that we hv a community that help us learn more about 'humanity'.
Is it not a great feeling to be "heard".
At least now we know why certain people act the way they do.
It's better late than never.
Find Faith 👍
My problem is I can’t have minimal contact. I care for my 89 year old mum and the narcissism is still strongly there - it will never go away. These guidelines are the best. Very helpful thank you.
my narcicistic grandma had it going strong, it got worse and worse, it took her like two decades to die, she was almost 100. Oh how I miss her but she hurt everyone around her.
Because of you and Ross , learning to observe and not react my narc wife is starting to fall apart emotionally and physically.thanks.
At last, a sound advice. A hidden gem I found 💎
I’ve been wanting to understand how to deal with my emotions in a healthy way. Thank you for creating this video ❤️
So , so , true !
I've been on this different road for a few weeks now ...
Thank you for all your help .
It's all still new , but it's been going on for years ... I just didn't know it had a name .
The narcissist I can't help ...
But I can help me .
I have gotten started with your help ...
I will watch your video aften ...
Your such a big help .
.... A big hug to you .
Thanks for this video. It really has helped me to deal with a relative. I top up every now and again.... a life saver!
All of your videos are superb. They help me so much. Please keep making them. I find it so amazing that your videos are helping people you will never meet, your work is brilliant 😊
"You develop boundaries, like a mo-fo" lol, yes! I am working on that. So hard because it is only a separation and we still share children. I cannot completely cut off ties and he is working so hard to rope me back in. The energy it takes to navigate this is way too much for me. Your videos are helping. But I have such a long way to go! Trying to believe that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. At any rate, I need to listen to these videos over and over and over so that they tools can be on my mind in the heat of the moment. As it is now, in the heat of the moment, I forget all my tools. I think if I keep repeating these videos that will improve.
Really empowering! I'll probably be watching it more than once. Thank you, as always!
wow! you nailed it! you are incredibly intelligent and insightful about this. you have helped me so much in dealing with the demon narcissist in my life . God helps too!
thank you for this video, the timing is perfect as I have to deal with my ex narc and was struggling with coming up with a game plan. "Not to react", what a concept, not part of my skill set just yet but I am working on it.
This is life-changing and helping me so much.. you are appreciated more than you know
Thanks again Meredith. Reinforcement. Reinforcement. Reinforcement. A great follow up on "Responding Verses Reacting" Volume One and "How to Disarm A Toxic Person."
Hope you are 100% rid of the cold.
Yes, I'm putting out a lot of reinforcement on this topic because Respond vs. React is a total game-changer in life and especially when we have to deal with a manipulator. I'm much better from that flu, thank you!
I use “ cool, bummer, wow”. If I must respond. it’s extremely hard when you stop the supply; the Narc goes right for the child we share to get me to react. Hard hard situation. ..... bummer..... lol.
Hard week for me as I have to let go of my 13 yr old..... stop trying to protect him or trying to educate him on what’s happening to him from the narc... difficult to do but unfortunately not sure how else to cut remaining cords. Need to trust kiddo will learn or at least survive.
It's awful but totally predictable that the narc uses the kids as extensions and pawns to abuse the other parent. It's so hard to be a kid of a narc but we end up becoming strong and resilient adults if we survive. Be the lighthouse, work on healing yourself and show him through your example how to empower himself. I hope he finds his way out.
Thank you, and I’m sorry you went through that, you’re helping me develop boundaries like a “mofo”. You’ve helped me understand and treat the insanity I was going through - namaste 🙏🏼
That is so valuable video. I liked the sentence about how reaction versus response is one of the most powerful ways to take control of your life. Thanks again!
One of the best videos on this topic. May God bless you
This video is absolutely amazing. I don't even know why I'm going to psychotherapy. Only watching a couple of your videos I've learned so much that I can't wait to start practicing all your techniques. So sad I didn't know about you before! I can see more clearly now, it's like the rain is gone. Thank you, Meredith. Thank you so much for sharing this valuable info.
Really .... Alack of self love is the root cause of all suffering in this universe!!! Stay away from toxic folks they have problem for every solution !!!! I wish you well and take care of yourself and your sanity ......
Hi Valeria, My apologies for this 2 year later reply as I just came across this video. I hope that you're in a better place since your reply? I just want you to know that I feel your pain & frustration as I have a Malignant mother & Malignant boss. I read that you're questioning Psychotherapy. While I'm a fan of proper therapy..many therapists have yet to be trained on all things Narcissism, so, it;s like the blind leading the blind or they'll actually Gaslight you. Meredith is spectacular. Also, you may want to check out Dr. Ramini, a Psychologist who's been through her share of Narcissistic relationships is one of the top Psychologists specializing in Narcissism. Also, Psychotherapist Dr. Les Carter.
TL, those are my go to helpers too! Also Lee Hammock ‘Mental Healness’, who is recovering narc who knows ALL the tricks and angles and uses this to help victims identify and clarify abuse , so they can cope or move on in healthy ways. Obviously not everyone would like to hear from a narc, but I find it helpful to hear one who’s regretful-the one I’m presently trying to escape sure isn’t!
These videos how to respond saved my mental health, And my self respect changed my life. Thank you from the bottom of my heart 💖
I have felt powerless, or a victim, when others got to express anything, and I was frozen. So frustrating, not having the skills I needed. I'm checking out your offerings in the links.
Thank you so much for what you do Merideth. Today marks a year for me being free and your videos have helped me so much getting through all the emotions and identifying all the abusive people I know or have known. You are amazing!
your video's have really helped me to understand all this and how to better handle it, thank you!
Thank you Meredith! Not reacting while your abuser is trying to get you to incite a fight is probably the most important piece of advice for victims still stuck in their living hell, so they don't go insane. It is one of the hardest things I've ever had to endure, more than the physical abuse which has disabled me, because it was so viscous and coming from someone you thought loved you. But that person doesn't exist anymore so you are now fighting a stranger who is destroying you. Be careful and know what level of abuser you are dealing with. From Meredith's experience a Narcissist will get pissed off and may, hopefully, walk away because they aren't getting the attention they need. A Psychopath will not only get really pissed off but will most likely escalate their rage and now they know you're learning how to play their game. And they are really good at their game.This can be very dangerous with a psychopathic abuser who is usually calm and calculated because he has controlled you for so long, and may result in an impulsive act of violence so please do not push your abuser if you sense they may respond this way. If you feel strong enough to stay calm, quiet and not react, let your abuser keep talking and pay attention to what they're saying to you, they will give you hints of what they may be planning or how they manipulated you, because they are dying to tell someone how great they are. Nod your head and agree with them from time to time. Meredith is so spot on!!! My husband did the stand up from the couch, stared at me, continued the verbal abuse and studied my reactions. Study your abuser back. You have no idea who this person is anymore. Plan your escape if that is what you want. This is a life or death decision and must be done with thought and support. You will not make it without a strong and reliable support group. Your friends and family are scared for you, themselves, and just simply not knowing what happened to you, and you will realize you don't understand either. Keep your support people's contact information safe and away from his view. If you are missing a person's contact info, your abuser knows you are considering leaving and is trying to isolate you more. You are your own WARRIOR! This is your fight. Don't start reacting at this stage in the game. Keep your head on straight, there are no mistakes when you are escaping your abuser, so be ready, committed and most of all be safe.
Lady you don’t know this but you just saved my life !!!!!!!! I love you !!!
Toddler Reaction. Yes, at this point in my life i’m trying to have a better grip on things. Words only mean something if YOU believe them. It’s amazing how quickly the cowards retreat when you give them nothing.
Thank you for the time you've given to help educate on this topic of deflecting abuse. It seems to become a cultural mindset in America to
demean people or each other. The bottom line, we are responsible for how we treat one another, but moreover how we treat ourselves.
Very useful for learning the skills to protect yourself and become more emotionally mature
I had a reflection on how my former narc always managed to hone in om my exact level of energy and use that as a point of provocation. If I was physically tired he would demand a massage, if I was mentally fatigued he would start telling long detailed family-life historical accounts I couldn't follow, or if I was genuinely interested in watching a TV show I he had to sit across from me and start a conversation (about himself of course) so as to divert my attention from the TV to him. He had extra sensory perception when it came to reading my body language, energy levels and know exactly what my weak point was at just that moment. Thank you for your insights and revelations Meredith about self-care, self-control and self-mastery.
Wow it’s incredible how intuitive some of them are!
Often we are taught to confront ‘bad behaviour’ head on by addressing it.
Citing this, I believe not everyone is a contender. If someone is reasonable it might work. If they are not, it only gives them more unworthy attention/supply.
Never reward bad behaviour.
Identify people who are toxic and simply avoid them - teach them (thru your actions/indifference) that they cannot ruffle your feathers b/c they’re unworthy and oh so unimportant.
Carry on, carry on ...
Exactly! You hit the nail on the head, "if someone is reasonable" it's best to confront the behavior. That person will usually self-reflect and recognize where they need to grow. Unfortunately the normal rules of human engagement just don't apply to manipulators who will use them against the target so we have to come up with different strategies to deal with them when we can't avoid them in the moment.
You’re wonderful , a true blessing are your TH-cams. Helps me so much. I know all of the tactics, but I haven’t been successful at not letting him get my energy and hurt me. I’ve set boundaries and now his onslaught is very hard and I’m having to decide how to direct my energy as I’m aggravated -retraining myself. Thank you
Thank you
Well done!
This is exactly what people need & quite often don’t have the tools to put this in place! You have definitely given us the tools- love your style xx
Merideth, you are literally a life saver. I am trapped with a narcissist who can be physically abusive as well as emotional. We are selling the property so. I will be able to get away but meanwhile, I'll remember your words. Bless you.
Great video. It’s a hard lesson but will get there. Thank you Meredith ♥️
A Heartfelt THANK YOU for the compassionate, and concrete Usable Steps you are thoughtfully presenting to us in Need.
Just wanted to say thank you for this video. Your videos help me so much!!
So so good!! Thanks Meredith. I’ve learned so much from you. I’m forever grateful.
This is huge ! Very timely thank you for turning on the much needed lights in my cave of confusion ! Much work to be done - officially rolling up my sleeves.
Thank you, you are beautiful inside and outside!
Thankyou this really helped i'm dealing with this right now I made a mistake with that I've reacted to that many times and I regret but now i'm learning to ignore those people and not be around them.
Alot of great info! I need to rewatch it a few times to internalize everything, thanks!
This definitely gave me a few lightbulb moments. Also, thank you for the clarity. I really appreciate it. I've learned alot from your videos so far.
This video is what I've been waiting for. Thank you, now I have a new arsenal for dealing with any toxic person in my life.
Thank u soo much. Its more like a full chandelier turned on ! and u put in soo much content that people dont need therapists anymorr. Ty again 💞
This video is a literal life saver! If I could like it 100 times, I would!
Thank you so much for sharing it.
Thank you for this, Meredith. You are a consummate professional.
I watch this every now and then...to keep me on my toes!!! Thankyou Meredith!👍👍👍❤❤❤
This is so good. I wish I’d learnt about all this a long time ago. Thanks Meredith for your videos and sharing your knowledge, it has all helped hugely. Your book too. Sending much love and light to you 🙏🏼💫
So many a-ha moments watching your videos- thank you - you’re changing my life and giving me hope
As powerful as always! Thank you. You have saved my life, Meredith. Blessings from Germany.
THE definitive video about this topic for me! Thank you Meredith! SO powerful and empowering!!! 💕
this is so insightful! Thank you so so much!! It all makes much sense now and am till learning to hold back my reaction, but hearing you say that it takes time made me feel better and actually proud of having started the practice.
Your advice and explanations are so good. Thanks so much for the work you do.
This video is so helpful. I'm only halfway through and have already spent an hour on it taking notes and journaling to myself. THANK YOU!!
Grateful for this informative video.
The relentless provocation i was subjected to caused explosive reaction vs response. A primal defense mechanism .. as you stated , the need to defend yourself can cause you to React in a less than mature manner , especially when strategically antagonized for their own manipulative agenda . It was an orchestration to the extreme - So many tactics were employed in his process , flying monkeys , flipping and rewriting scripts , moving the goal posts , maintaining the confusion & the blatant cruelty at the heart of the matter. They got the reaction they worked for ........ and i have given myself time to reflect and see all the manipulation from the different angles they used to their advantage.
Im gaining a greater understanding of this NPD dynamic through research and videos such as yours. Thank you
Makes so much sense!! I grew up with a narcissist parent and just got out of a friendship with one. They both loved provoking me. They really try desperately when you start setting boundaries.
This video almost make me cry. I learn so much. Thank you. And be bless.
Helpful information in dealing with bullies that think they can push you around and steal your peace. It’s their playground and your in it but you don’t have to be the object that they try to take out their frustration on. Bullies can be so disruptive in their negativity This talk was good to hear and very affirming to keep things together. Thank you.