How to Be a Parent | Philippa Perry | RSA Replay
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 27 ก.พ. 2019
- Renowned psychotherapist, author and broadcaster, Philippa Perry visits the RSA to give tips for any parent looking to navigate their past, avoid repeating their own parents' mistakes, and ensure they don't saddle their children with life-long issues.
Through the combination of case studies, her own experiences as a parent, and therapeutic insight gained from a career spanning over 20 years, Perry tackles the wider issues of what it actually means to be a parent, rather than getting bogged down in the little details. She is not interested in developmental milestones, training your child to have enviable manners, or how to get the much idealised 'perfect' family. Instead, she shows how to create functional, emotionally intelligent relationships with your children so that they grow up feeling secure, knowing who they are and what they want - creating positive outcomes for them, you, and the wider world.
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Starts at 8:03
Thank you
She speaks a lot of sense.
This kind how video should have subtitles for many many languages, I wish I could show it to my parents.
Starts at 10:10.
Great content, great speaker
"Doer and done to" is from the work of Jessica Benjamin.
Amazing woman!
I like it but a lot of it feels like it's straight out of Alfie Kohn's publications (or vice versa ofc)..?
sections of this video are another layer of make parents punching bags
The basic message of this book is sound : empathise and sympathise with your child as much as possible. She writes well about this.
My problem with the book is that it is blindly and one-sidedly "progressive" on every key matter of parenting.
So she claims that family structure is irrelevant to children's wellbeing. It's just love that matters. Well, that's a view, but she implies it's a fact. Some research does actually show that having two parents is better for kids than one, even when controlling for socio economic factors. Much research confirms the unique benefits of having a father, as they parent differently to mothers on average. Of course, this is progressive heresy, as it could "stigmatise" non traditional families, so Perry ignores this and asserts the progressive line that any kind of family is as good as another. All you need is love, as The Beatles sang. Maybe, but maybe not. Love is very important but it's not everything.
Then there is her description of "regulator" and "facilitator" parents. At first she tries to be even handed and say each to his own. But then she describes all the downsides of regulators (uptight, selfish) against their enlightened facilitator peers (loving, responsive, etc). Her own preferences bristle through the text.
Worst of all is her ignorant treatment of sleep in children. If you want an expert view read Matthew Walker's Why We Sleep. Or read the Millpond Clinic, who have researched the matter in depth. It is a huge disservice to children and their parents not to get them to sleep through the night. This need not involve the traumatising cruel abandonment she hysterically and incorrectly describes. The idea that children are traumatised by a few nights of disturbed sleep as they learn to sleep and string together sleep cycles without parental interference is not supported by evidence (there is one notorious non finding based on rats that most co sleeping advocates cite to defend their sin of omission). Denying your child full nights of sleep is cruel and leads to MUCH more crying over the long run than sensible sleep training. Good sleep is crucial for the physical and mental health of families. Not letting your child sleep deeply and independently is a huge mistake for everyone. Her proposal of co-sleeping is a total disaster. She cherry picks a few other foreign cultures where they Co sleep as the norm, ignoring the fact that bad child sleep is overwhelmingly an Anglo American plague since progressive parenting became orthodoxy (read French Children Don't Throw Food for some key references here). And cultures in Africa and Asia she approvingly cites for Co sleeping do all sorts of things we'd never dream of in the West. Why seek African wisdom on this and not on female genital mutilation? Again, progressives cherry pick any examples that support their case. Please read a proper sleep expert (baby whisperer also good) and don't go with the trauma-obsessed psychotherapist here
I also think this book is a case of everything looking like a nail because all she has is the hammer of psychotherapy. She constantly recommends looking into your own childhood to explain why you find your child irritating occasionally. Perhaps this is relevant sometimes. But not always or even most times, in my view. For example, I find my colleagues irritating sometimes, not because I had traumatic "colleagues" as a child as I obviously had none! Some behaviour is just irritating, regardless of your childhood experience.
I recommend reading the chapter in Jordan Peterson's book 12 Rules for Life, called "Don't let your children do anything that makes you dislike them". He goes too far towards the conservative disciplinarian approach for me, but it's a good corrective to Perry's dogmatic left wing approach thinly disguised as non judgmental.
You sound very afraid.
@@helgaherbstreit5102 your comment is 4 words long and it still needed editing...
This post, this post here was more useful to me than the video. Thank you!
You've brought up some interesting points here. Cherry picking for example is a must when it comes to practices. In terms of the happiness of their offsprings, every culture can get specific things totally backwards while simultaneously nailing other things. I don't think that we can approach cultures with strictly either praise or condemnation.
And sleep training might not be harmful on its own IF other alienating methods don't follow it. Children instinctively crave certain behaviours from their caregivers, one of them being closeness, and if those cravings are not met, there could be consequences.
@@helgaherbstreit5102 🤭🤣🤣