They choose you, and you are not aware. They plan things, you don’t. They have an agenda, you don’t. Trying to understand them is fruitless. Don’t try just remove yourself and don’t look back ❤
I agree, even though it’s human nature to try & understand, especially if you are a compassionate/empathetic person, this exercise is pointless if dealing with a narcissist/disordered person. You will never understand WHY or how they do the things they do… it’s upsetting & exhausting to even try. Onwards & upwards 🤌🏻🙅🏼♀️
I tried to understand my ex and to be honest it was a fascinating discovery. I reached out to her ex before me and I was expecting a similar story of their relationship. What I wasn't expecting was the exact same, picture perfect story. From start to finish our relationship with her was the exact same. Only difference was theirs lasted 9 months. Mine lasted 4 years.
I wish he could told me 20 years earlier, or at least when 3 other girlfriens showed up. It would have spared me the best years of my life. What a lousy person who didn't tell me he wanted a divorce. He continued like that for another 10 years of our marriage. My lawyer has never seen such a well-planned divorce.
I never knew what a naturally relaxed, calm, reasonable person I was until 5 years after I got rid of my ex narcissistic husband. Over the years I reflected on who he was as a person, and I couldn't tell you. He was a mystery to me even after 30 years of marriage. I didn't know him. But he certainly made me walk on eggshells every minute of the day and gave me next level anxiety. What a relief to finally be my true self.
You're not alone...I don't know who or what my ex was either, and I spent 22 years there. So many experiences are the same, or very similar. Amazing stuff. 🎉
Recovering from a narcissistic relationship, there is a plus side... they show us our true light, value and authenticity, of which a journey within that they won't experience. I love who I am and my life now because of this experience and wise enough to only allow good people into my world. Be the light that you are and blind them 😅
Yes. I'm proud too just like you cause I too learned a lot of things. I make notes. And the narcissist showed me my value, personality, goodness. Also I already learned to instantly understand people and their intention. We have a strong mind and can anytime go through even worse than this still I can survive and we can survive anything it's a feeling of grown in fire.
20 years, married and with kids! We met at a wedding in Glastonbury and thought it was a special spiritual connection, which I kept telling myself was special, yet ignoring all the red flags, thinking it would change. The mask slowly slipped and I continued to stay together for the kids sake. With the amazing help through Richard sharing his experiences and expert knowledge and the love and reconnection with myself, I managed to find the strength to get out and start a new life with my kids. I look upon the experience as the biggest lesson of my life and my cup is full and overflowing now. Just finalising my divorce and feel amazing. My real life is just beginning...
That is absolutely. chilling. I know someone who is a musician...who used that same 'phraseology' on my granddaughter...hmm...I heard they have 'flying monkeys' who parrot them and do their bidding....she just told me she was introduced to old friends of his she hadn't met before. They all commented on the way she looked at him while he was singing...that they wished thEY had someone like that...who looked at thEM...the way she did...him. I guess it could be innocent...but...the very last line on this video...got me thinking.....
If somebody high on the narc spectrum chooses you, take it as a compliment. You are the hero that could absorb the fragile little ego of theirs and kept their fantasy playing. You are the one that holds the power.
Thanks for this comment. I was married to a very malignant narc for 45 years. Saw the light 7months ago and escaped. Been no contact ever since. Filed for divorce just after Christmas and Domestic Violence police unit are putting a case together for prosecution. He has completely imploded without my strength to feed off. I am healing and getting stronger by the day❤
Don't know how about others, but I take compliments (intended or not) about things I want more in myself, not less..... Unless increasing one's capacity to fantasy play is something intrinsically good and I just keep failing to understand why. 'Keep failing' because my mother insists that it was good for me to learn to lie for dear life - I "was expanding my imagination" And somehow that imagination is supposed to be a good thing even at the cost of loosing links with reality?
Okay so they are out of your life but can you greet them in a casual encounter, I mean as in hello. It seems sulky and weak to face to face ignore. Or am I wrong?
@@scout123-catwhy would you want to say hello? If they say hello to you just tell them you aren’t friends and you don’t know them and you’ve got no interest in talking to them. It’s direct and truthful - best way to be.
My narc hubby is a great guy, fantastic neighbour, perfect colleague, charitable, kind, friendly, committed, saviour, people pleaser... who wouldn't want him in their life?? Until he's at home, with his head in his hands, staring into space, depressed, on repeat speech, entitled, in a perpetual state of victim hood, projecting negativity at every opportunity and yet totally absent!! It's the most harrowing experience I've ever endured. After 33yrs, I need out!!
They are like an actor in many plays. Their whole lives are theater, and they must have the lead role in every production. It's after the curtains go down that's when you see the real them, and that terrifies them.
Its likely you're the narcissist making his life a living hell. That its his reponse to you. My best friend has recently divorced one and she has no clue sh'es the cause of all this.
What I felt very strongly was that he was looking at how he looked (with me as an accessory) through other people's eyes. How he looked through my eyes was irrelevant - there was no space for me or my emotions, thoughts, or opinions.
I was born into a narcissistic family and married a narcissist with narcissist parents. I observed them and was abused by them for decades. I have seen what is under their mask, they’re ugly creatures without any emotions. They only light up for their addictions, whatever that might be and for the public. As soon as they get home the mask come off and back to that ugly creature they really are again. I’ve gone no contact with the whole pack and feel great again. I’m getting more and more educations which is so therapeutic by professionals like yourself on U-Tube thank you so much Richard 🙏
I never knew that I could be fooled like this. After two and a half years I’m done. His mood is crazy then says well it’s your fault you made me yell at you and call you names. ? I try to explain myself why I’m leaving and he says I never said that and tells me I’m crazy. It’s like everyone’s post sounds like my life. Please GOD help me to leave, I don’t have money or a job but I know I have to leave 😢
@David-eu1ms Yes! My ex-narc would stand in the mirror & take selfies. I can't even imagine the delusions she was imagining while always staring at herself.
Mirroring is when Narky says things that you say has the same interests. Imitates your gestures. May dress like you. Narky does this to reflect yourself back at you. Cuz Narky knows they are nasty. Narky is hoping you see Narky as yourself and fall in love with you own image...
LOL I did the same thing and it totally worked. She just faded out of my life like our 6 year relationship didn’t even exist. Didn’t bother to call or text me, but honestly thank god. Good riddance
And then what, you moved on. Yaaay, you found out you were with a narcissist, you went through the destruction and you learned about it. Then what, they still walk on this planet and cause destruction. They are still doing them while everyone else is trying to heal from it.
I see all these videos, I'm glad you all were able to heal, but truly and honestly victim of narcissist abuse not everyone is that easy, specially ones who suffered from PTSD or CPTSD While we are given medication or spending money for treatment, they are still who they are. Why isn't there a law that looks at it as a white weapon and they face criminal charges, without waiting till they take someone's life or the other gives up on life. Not everyone can heal from narcissistic abuse nor not everyone can just walk away. My point is, we now know who they are, they are a lot stronger and stupid but yet win. We don't win in any means. Just like cancer, even if you are cured, you'll always be high risk
One thing to understand that Richard often talks about here is that you can only fix yourself - in most cases, after finding oneself being affected by these types of people, one must ultimately only take responsibility for being codependent and unable to set boundaries in their relationships and etc and so on
While truing to recover its his job to stalk every narcissist he knows to expose them to everyone they know? A large % of people are narcs. Unless you know nobody, you know narcs. Do you spend every waking moment stalking them to expose them? What if after being done a yr later they change? You wouldnt know. Then youd be stalking an ex narc to make them pay and in suffering they might relapse.... Think your stuff out please.
@Gmanwonderswhy Narcs never change. If anything they get worse.Unles they are affecting you or someone you care about, there is no point wasting your time exposing them. Eventually they will be exposed for what they are because of the way they behave.
Having to be a different person for everyone that you come in to contact with must be exhausting. No wonder my narc was always complaining about being tired.
Narc woman told me she was up all night staring at the ceiling. I knew she was up talking to supply one called at 3 a.m while we were together. She refused to answer the call. But she did present ask shy vulnerable and awkward
Yes, 9 years for me. When you begin, the journey through the "valley" of your life, you never know the person that you will emerge as, and that is a beautiful thing. I feel so grounded now. When I first found out that my X had lived a whole secret life, the ground beneath my feet was literally shaking. I had to hang on and that thing that I hung on to, was " me".
You say "Friends" like you believe a Narcissist has friends. (Pun). They only build reputations amongst these groups; never character from within, there's no place to put it.
One thing I’ve learned: narcissists ever expanding and deep-rooted friend groups are more important to them than any partner or kids. It’s like they own their friends, and you can’t have them, or be part of that. They compartmentalise their lives. The double lives and secrets they keep are part of their selfishness. It’s only for them, keep out, no entry.
This is very true, and it was a problem in my marriage. My ex husband never once in ten years of being together let me talk to, let alone MEET his friends. They knew I existed -- or some of them did, not all I'm sure -- but he was allowed friends, while he ran down the few I had until I had none. He would bend over backwards for friends and coworkers, but if I needed help with anything, I was shit outta luck. His new victim was a coworker he NEVER ONCE told me about. I only discovered her accidentally when I was looking at our family Spotify account. He'd put his new fling on the Spotify account and for some reason didn't kick me off it. Then I did a bit of internet sleuthing and found out she'd worked with him for YEARS. Never once never once never once did he mention her. And then after my discard, he married her within the year after I had to pay for the divorce even though he was the one who wanted it. YES. YES. I totally resonate with your comment because it happened to me. It's bizarre until you realize it's a narc and that's how they are.
Yes, exactly. Anyone, other than their partner & children, are always more important bc those people dont see or live with them 24/7/365 & don't have a clue. Even those who know the narc is married with or without kids, never question why they dont ever see their family nor see the lack of morals & integrity of said narc.
@@the_grassy_noel hit the nail on the head I believe those people know whats going on or they just want to keep the peace.. the ex I was with went to every family wedding without her 2 kids or partner and not one person questioned it.
Yes. How they look through OUR eyes is very important. I think thats why the raging flip outs from hell when they're called out on their lies and utter bullshit. They see .. they catch glimpses (on some level) of what a pos we see them as in those moments. Cheers. Christi 🇨🇦
Absolutely 🎯! Narcs aren't the only ones who can smell fear, and you can see just how insecure and terrified they really ARE when you call them out on their bullshit...if you can actually get a sentence in. Haha
Similar with my ex....over 25 years and I am still shocked Richard. The thing is I think that we are feeling in some way that we don't really know them and this makes us anxious and then we try to understand ,to analyse etc....but at the end this also is like a dark hole. 😫😫Thank you for sharing. It really does help.
Hi Richard Thank You So Very Much For Sharing This I Went Through Horrific Emotional And Psychological Abuse Almost Suffering A Never Breakdown I Would Get Months And Years Of The Silent Treatment Almost Driving Me Crazy!!! This Person Destroyed My Self Esteem Self Confidence Self Worth.I Have A Month Of No Contact!! Narcissistic Abuse Is Beyond Brutal It’s Torturing Cruel Abuse..My Safety Is Self Isolating Myself.
Why you ain’t leave the relationship I knew from day 1 and still stayed he tried to kill me tho but TRIED he slipped hard asf don’t worry about it you’ll be fine are u trauma bonded ?
It is an emotionally shocking experience but it is hard to miss someone that you never knew to begin with. Once you realize that, you quit obsessing about what happened or why, etc. You imagined you loved what turned out to be an illusion. Maybe you did or maybe you were just playing pretend too? It leaves one feeling empty, but it leaves you with a real impetus to get very real and become authentic and autonomous. You learn that being w your Self is fulfilling, that you are real and worth knowing. Did you really love them or were you just focused on trying to get them to love you? Crazy making waste of time, except that you woke up when it hit the wall.
Very accurate. It like being with a spy. My former husband completely espoused the exact same beliefs as me, on animal rights, on race, on religion, absolutely on the same page. Then he left to be with the new person, and his views changed 180 degrees. Now he wears different clothes, eats different food, has opposing views on religion. It totally blew my mind.
Professor Sam Vaknin states that narcissists have multiple personalities. Perhaps different people tsp into one of the narc's other personas. Very interesting and creepy.
it might be that your relationship was the catalyst for his change in views, or maybe they associate those views with you and they dont wanna associate with anything that reminds them of you
Yes, yes and yes. Interestingly, as a 'people pleaser' I have also been a mirror, and I'm highly sensitive to others emotions, inflections in their voice, mannerisms, changes in behaviour, and I will use this information to try to provide the person of what they need, I'll mirror whoever I want to like me, I hate that I do this, but it happens instinctually, I'm trying to be more me now though. Also, I could sometimes tell who my ex had been talking to because sometimes he forgot to turn his 'mirror' off and he would be still acting like the other person to me, he would deny it of course...
yes, same here... it's so true, they often forget to turn the mirror off, that's how one can find all their lies. It's funny and heartbreaking at the same time.
Richard - you are amazing. I have an excellent non-copywrite analogy for the Narcissistic acting performance. Ref - Movie scene in Mission Impossible Ghost Protocol, where Ethan (Tom Cruise) erects a 'screen visual' in Kremlin where the viewer sees a false screen, moving constantly to match the eyes. Perfect! Even more perfect lesson from this is even where the viewer notices errors in what he/she is looking at, they will dismiss the thought once the imagery returns to 'normal'. Anyone who has emerged from the narcisisstic fog, will understand how amazing this analogy is.
The scariest thing is when you have children with them. They feed on their innocence. When you set hard boundaries they move to the next woman's child, or have more children, to replace the supply that you've taken from them. Very dark and demonic souls these people have. Trying to divorce mine now, he won't just go away, even though he's "moved on". Can't make sense out of crazy.
The worst thing is when they start figuring out that you're on to them and you're no longer their victim they will go to your children and go scorched Earth on you and they will lie to your kids about you and they will try everything they can possibly do over years and years to convince your kids that you're the bad person and that they're the wonderful ones and you just got to hope and pray that your kids are smart enough to be able to see through that crap one of mine is, and one of mine isn't.
😮@@proudamerican2133yes I've just been through this, my son is 18 and doesn't see his Dad now and really couldn't care less about him, I never thought and I always hoped his Dad would pull through but he never did, he just controlled us after the separation withholding and punishing, what a horror of a human being. Police officer who wouldn't pay maintenance, wouldn't buy his son a pair of shoes for school. Waited for me to have meltdowns when I called his shit out then got me arrested by his own police force! Had I forgot how brutal he was to me? What a scum bag!
@@cmrosscmrossthey get into your head and mirror you, pretending to know you! It's a technique to make you doubt your own sense of self, it breaks down barriers, the love bombing stage is a good example of this!
Thank you for sharing your story, it helps to know that we do not know their agenda, and are not naive for making the mistake of letting them in. Letting go is brave!
I realized I became a “home base” for my narcissist: that was my sole significance to him so I was basically a housekeeper/so-called wife/parent to our children. Heck, that was convenient and rather than living as a single he got this bonus base of operation where the world could at least superficially see him as “family man” which, of course, he wasn’t. On the side he was able to have both female and male lovers and I mostly got the sexually transmitted diseases, the constant shocks from his behaviors, the dramas and the lies, the lies, the lies…
My eyes are fully open to this. I realised manipulations against me were going on for years, friendships have been destroyed, and ge came over like a wonderful person to others.
I believe a lot of this has been drug induced; I believe these drugs open them up to demonic influences. When you deal with demons, you can observe extreme cleverness, extreme ability to drive the knife in deeper than any human can. " Our battle is not with the flesh, but with evil forces in high places etc"
Note if people are talking Too You or With You? A narcissist doesn’t talk with You They Talk To You. If your Talking? It’s 99% likely your answering a question to something that they will use against You.
They're talking AT you, not TO you. Yes or no grunts to something that is an important discussion from yourself about your life. Only to be followed up by a monologue that has nothing to do with what you were just talking about when it's their turn to talk. This is just a one-way conversation!
Exactly!! They use something you say as a springboard to their story. It’s like being in the Twilight Zone. You think to yourself, there wasn’t even an acknowledgment of what I said. So self centered.
What I found interesting with my narcissistic ex was how her personality ever so slightly changed over the 4 years we were together from being exactly like mine to someone else entirely. The gaslighting was her trying to explain to me that we had nothing in common and that we weren't compatible. Not anymore but that we were never compatible. She completely ignored the times we would joke about being being separated at birth and it was scary how similar we were.
Wow. My ex husband said the same exact stuff. We have nothing in common, we weren't compatible, you're not my person. Well, I sure was for ten years so how was I suddenly NOT that person anymore? Oh I was suddenly not that person when the next victim came into the picture and all of the life and energy and joy had been sucked out of me. Looking back on it, I thought it was the most bizarre shift in our situationship. I was everything and then like a ton of bricks I was not and then there was so much revisionism going on. (And then I was accused of being the revisionist historian! lol!) I get you completely. Went through it all too. I hope you are doing infinitely better now!
@@spacegirl226 Yes exactly. It's a recent occurrence for me so I'm still working through it. I'm not letting her turn me into a victim. I was victimised but I was to blame for my parts. I should have left when the red flags became too much to ignore. When boundaries were weren't adhered to. I'm much better off without her and I hope the next person she immediately moved to sees her manipulative ways before she ruins his life too. I got lucky since we never got married, had kids or bought a house together. I told her to leave and never come back. Calling her out as a narcissist wasn't the best idea but at least it got her to leave without too much damage and since she knows I know I doubt she'll try to hoover me.
That’s probably the best description yet to explain this horendous nightmare you can never wake up from or so your brain thinks so . 2 years of therapy and still trying to unravel the sadistic abuse inflicted on me . Just simply horrific !!!
As I divorced my wife a narcissist I found out she knew literally every club in town. Talking about a whole different life! I sometimes traveled for work and sometimes had to work nights, I also found out she had affairs with men at work and I frequented her work place and everyone there knew what I didn't know. My kids didn't tell me she went out at night because she would tell them she would be sent to jail if they did. Trying to get full custody. I thought that given the fact that she barely sees them one night a week would give me the ability to get full custody but the laws are set up to protect the rights of the mother and not the child. By the way, when she found out I wanted the kids full time she threatened to have kids with the new man in her life and she would not see our kids anymore and would make sure our kids knew I caused the pain of her not seeing them...ohh and she would make sure our kids will see her happy with her new family. How could I be so wrong?
There's nothing like carrying a different tone of voice when they speak to different people (that you don't hear from them) as if they are completely different person. It's as if they're an actor using a different character for each person that they talk to. Of course you or I or whoever else that they take for granted does not get that nice sweet tone of voice. (We did in the beginning but it's been so long we forgot that idealization mask version that we used to hear from their lips)
It wasn't just the network of people I discovered she had but it was the way she portrayed me to these people, I was a different person to different people in her world. Some I was her partner, some I was a friend, some I was my profession, some I was her ex. This was so damaging over time because i was getting mixed atmospheres and reactions depending on who she was with. The only way it was stable and normal is when I saw her when and where she wanted me, if I turned up randomly or someone she knew turned up randomly one day everything changed and she was completely different, some times a person would appear who she had explained to me she hated, then when they arrived she would be all over them like long lost friends, it was so confusing,
Since moving on with his new supply, narc has made his FB page private so that I don't see the bs he's posting. I've been calling out his lies this past decade so the discard was inevitable
This is spot on and gives me insights to the hellscape I was once forced to "live" in with a narcon. Thank you Richard. I usually say, when I talk to people about those years that its quite impressive the damage and deceit the smart ones are capable of. The narcon that ran my life to hell was my former therapist who started a "relationship" with me during traumatreatment. At that point she knew everything about me.
Thanks for takeing the time to reply. It was and still is (as Im still severly damaged from it but getting the right help LifespanIntegration/DBR etc). And also the legal stuff with reporting her to the authorities and what not@@sabrinasetzler689
I am amazed with this last one I just got out of. I thought I had seen it all with Narc Man #2. But, then I met the notorious covert narcissist. Now I think I’ll just stay single. Cuz wow…just wow. Lol
He keeps telling me i am synthetic, artificial in my behaviour - one person at home & one person outside. Is it gaslighting me?. He tells me that frequently with anger, screaming. Initially I got shocked when he started saying this to me, then out of humility I started believing this with myself.
The thing is the girl I was with had a double life but the deception was engineered to perfection, if it hadn't been leaked out, I would of gone to my grave without knowing a thing, it's mental. You just cannot believe that people behave this way, it's shocking but I am good now and wiser
I keep asking myself : when they scan you to get to know your biggest fears and worst nightmare, so they can trigger you exactly on the right spots : do they do this intentionally or is this an unconscious act. … Sometimes I think they really don’t realize, but other moments I say to myself ‘He knows exactly what he’s doing cause he’s not an idiot !!! It’s hard though to accept that someone who claims to LOVE you, can treat you and harm you this way 😢
I think many times its a subconscious thing. They've been doing it since children as a type of coping technique that it becomes a part of them. I don't think they wake up and think "how will I find this guy's weaknesses to trigger", I think its just something they do without thinking.
@@Eugenetra7 I think it's a baseline instinctive response but that they can also ramp it up intentionally. So, it's what they do in a low-key way all the time, naturally, but they can also amplify their 'gift' for doing it if the situation demands.
Oh no they totally do it on purpose because they feed off your emotions they want to break you down because they're so insecure they can't stand being around anybody who has anything more together than them so they'll find your weak spots and then they'll just keep hammering and hammering and hammering away at those areas causing you to react emotionally and then they'll point to you and tell everybody else look I live with an unstable person poor me look at how terrible it is for me they're diabolical and they're freaking evil
I too just was discarded by my narcissist wife. After 36 years I’m just trash she put out at the curb. My wife moved in on my friends and I’ve never known hers. She lies about everything. I really didn’t care at the time. My wife also played our children against me and against each other. My oldest told me her mother doesn’t love her. Heartbreaking 💔 .
In another video, Richard talked about the narc getting you just for the purpose of eventually throwing you away. In other words, you’re being collected like a trinket to be traded away when they are done with you.(Paraphrased).
I spent 40years knowing a narcissist and not knowing even the WORD "narcissist", none the less that I was an empathetic. I've been spending the last 7 years in recovery. These types of videos help when they define the calculated narcissist. 💯 Facts and acceptance is the key.
Actors on a theater stage. Individual people or groups or situations are simply different theater stages. They literally STEP onto "your" stage and take on a whole different character. Including body language, facial expressions, accent, words, vocal tones. They BECOME a whole different person, instantaneously. No idea why they didn't go to Hollywood. Brilliant actors, no conscience no remorse. WILD.
Yes! The friend thing. Lots I didn’t know about. He used to hide cards and presents in his wardrobe, where he also kept his ladies clothes and other paraphernalia. (He was into BDSM as well) it was shocking to me at first.
Really interesting. Especially the concept that they are not looking at me. They are looking at how they look in relationship to or with me. Damn. 🙈 That explains why after 2 years as a couple, followed by a 1-year engagement, he did not even remember my middle name, nor my favorite foods, etc. But this came in handy within a few months after our wedding...when his violent, gaslighting, blame shifting, and deceiving side took over. I was able to make a fast, safe, no contact exit to my bff sister in another state--knowing he would not likely have any recollection of her name nor the state I spent 20 years! 🤣👏
you can't have them as a main partner, or friend, they are good for nothing. I honestly believe they don't mind if you cheat either long as your still there to be bullied
Mine was extremely controlling, verbally abused a male friend I was texting without any sexual intention. I dropped all my male friends over the course of 25 yrs marriage
Richard- this is possibly one of the most illuminating and powerful videos wrt narcs that I've ever watched. The obfuscations + compartmentalization that these people employ as their life's work is sheer insanity. They must do this because they can never EVER willingly show their AUTHENTIC SELVES to anyone, so they play roles and hide double and triple lives.
The fake woman I wasted years on, used to say " I feel sorry for her? I feel sorry for him? It always weirded me out as it didn't warrant that over the top response. It's only now that I realise it was 'performed empathy ' by a stealer of confidence and souls, failed to full understand. I'll never get those years with her back.
Richard, this is so true. I keep hoping that one time you won't be right about everything, but alas, you always are lol. I'm very grateful and blessed that I saw thru his bullshit before he really destroyed me. Thank you for your videos. You have helped me tremendously over the last year. 😊
There is one 'benefit' to being a narc I suppose. They don't have to worry about wearing a mask on Halloween! And what a mask it is they're wearing! Fits the contours of their face perfectly Everything aligned & moulded with absolute precision.
This sounds so familiar. My bf (gay) had a complete circle of friends anti gay, they did not know my existence for 3 years we were together, i was not supposed to meet with them ever, and he would often harass or make jokes with them targeting gays playing the act to fit.
My awakening to the existence of these individuals and their behaviors was an unexpected blessing that has affected my life very positively, in countless ways. It is a gift that too many never receive. I am eternally grateful.
Tries to make me think he’s concerns about my well being.. I know better. Uses it to contact me.. he’s so nervous .. he can hardly breath . He needs me to tell him something good about himself. So pathetic
"They're not really looking at us." They're looking at how THEY LOOK through your eyes." Excellent description! I spent years listening to how SHE FELT I should view her. NOT based on REALITY but some fake desire of hers to be viewed as awesome. She wasn't. It sucked being around her. You never knew when the PSYCHO was coming out. You only knew it was a matter of time.
I remember the narc ex asking me if I could change my personality with different people I knew. I think he may have been testing me to see if I was like him. It was really weird. It was like he was trying to open up like be vulnerable and tell me who or what he was really about. I’m very much like you and ask a lot of questions and if something seems off I’ll say how I see it. This seemed to weaken him immensely. It made me realise he had fed off my emotions for a very long time and I had fell into the trap of inquisitiveness which gave him fuel but also was destroying him. I hope this makes sense, it’s just how I’m seeing things now 😊
They mirror our good behaviour at first to hook us in then they do the switch to get us to mirror them and their vile behaviour, that’s when they can leave us for being the horrible vile person or keep us in the relationship by saying no one will ever want you now. They have then shown in their mind that they aren’t that bad because we are the same as them. They aren’t the only one like that. This could be to show in their head it was the caregivers fault when they were a child, they may be trying to prove it wasn’t their fault by re-enacting the whole scenario over and over again due to confusion. Just a thought 💭 All humans have the capability to be evil but most of us have a conscience. It’s like peados harm kids by grooming them and making them believe they wanted the abuse.
It's good that Richard shares this experience. It seems that I need to really be scanning and testing for this kind of double-life behaviour in women, so I don't get a parasite in my life ("I'm using this person for this and that, that person for that and this, ... etc")
I was in the gay milieu in a Central European country for a long while a couple of decades ago. So many narcs among them! Just brought back the memories.
New subscriber Thank you for pointing out some things I didn't understand I am going through sheer hell right now I don't know how much more I can take from him I have no one nothing to turn to
Just pray for me I spend life but my time in a cooped up bathroom to stay away from him even have to eat and hear sometimes I'm in here right now just pray
Holy fucking... After 3 years of confusion, abuse, bread crumbing, love bombing... More videos thank I could possibly count (shout out to @DrRamani) You put it in a way I've never heard. And it made it SO MUCH MORE CLEAR. I just want authentic. And they are the opposite.
When molding clay, impressions can be smoothed out, but DEEP impressions that are baked- in are almost impossible to remove. Smash the clay pot to dust and reconstitute it into raw clay again. A near death experience might reform a narcissist.
With the online thing games like fortnight and all types of groups ppl like that have a fantasy land of virtual friends and value ppl they never met more than you. They would be called ppl they care about based on late night conversations. Multiple friends groups and you in the flesh your just a tool to them
I just want to comment on this video. Born in the Netherlands with a fairly liberal view on life. My interest in psychology (not just narcissism) brought me to your Canal. I lived for 17 years in, if I understand correctly, the same part of Europe as your ex. I want to add something to your content with my response. The countries that were once dominated by communism still have major traces of this in their thinking and feeling world. Like that many things have to be done and remain in secret because of a very deep fear of discovery (whether rightly or wrongly). This distrust is already instilled in the upbringing and still has clear traces. Not talking openly about sexual orientation and political preference is one of them. Not expressing who your friends are (regardless of sexuality or political preference) is also something like that. People are afraid if those friends do or say something wrong, they will also be looked at and judged for it in the eyes of others and that can have negative consequences. So it is easier not to come out for who your friends are. Friendships in those countries really work differently, as only the family bond counts. And yes friends use each other and strange in our eyes they don't care as much about it as we do. Remember that oppression is still (not always overtly) a way of life there. After all, your girlfriend has become narcissistic for a reason. In other words, the social culture of origin also can play a role.
My ex runs a couple of conspiracy theories groups of FB. People used to participate quite often when we were first together two and a half years ago. I noticed people stopped commenting and viewing his posts and I realized I think his friends are sick of being one-upped by his self proclaimed “expertise”. It got old and tired.
I’m tired of all these cowards saying not to expose them. Fear is the mind kill3r. They are fear-based, which means it is them who should fear you. Enjoy! I have. And yes, this post is a narc lure. Let me play with them. It makes me happy. And I get to show everyone how it’s done and embarrass the narc who dares come up against me.
They choose you, and you are not aware. They plan things, you don’t. They have an agenda, you don’t. Trying to understand them is fruitless. Don’t try just remove yourself and don’t look back ❤
He literally told me he researched me and went through my families profiles as well to gain a upper hand! Crazy
I agree, even though it’s human nature to try & understand, especially if you are a compassionate/empathetic person, this exercise is pointless if dealing with a narcissist/disordered person. You will never understand WHY or how they do the things they do… it’s upsetting & exhausting to even try. Onwards & upwards 🤌🏻🙅🏼♀️
I tried to understand my ex and to be honest it was a fascinating discovery. I reached out to her ex before me and I was expecting a similar story of their relationship. What I wasn't expecting was the exact same, picture perfect story. From start to finish our relationship with her was the exact same. Only difference was theirs lasted 9 months. Mine lasted 4 years.
You're so accurate.
I wish he could told me 20 years earlier, or at least when 3 other girlfriens showed up. It would have spared me the best years of my life.
What a lousy person who didn't tell me he wanted a divorce. He continued like that for another 10 years of our marriage. My lawyer has never seen such a well-planned divorce.
I never knew what a naturally relaxed, calm, reasonable person I was until 5 years after I got rid of my ex narcissistic husband. Over the years I reflected on who he was as a person, and I couldn't tell you. He was a mystery to me even after 30 years of marriage. I didn't know him. But he certainly made me walk on eggshells every minute of the day and gave me next level anxiety. What a relief to finally be my true self.
Yeah you pretty much just just described exactly the 30 years I wasted with mine but I'm out now and it's awesome.
That hits really close to home
Over 30 years agree still don't know her !
Yeah kept in the dark.. far away fields be well nicer.
You're not alone...I don't know who or what my ex was either, and I spent 22 years there. So many experiences are the same, or very similar. Amazing stuff. 🎉
Recovering from a narcissistic relationship, there is a plus side... they show us our true light, value and authenticity, of which a journey within that they won't experience.
I love who I am and my life now because of this experience and wise enough to only allow good people into my world. Be the light that you are and blind them 😅
This just made me cry 😢 it’s so true.
Yes. I'm proud too just like you cause I too learned a lot of things. I make notes. And the narcissist showed me my value, personality, goodness. Also I already learned to instantly understand people and their intention. We have a strong mind and can anytime go through even worse than this still I can survive and we can survive anything it's a feeling of grown in fire.
I’m on the same journey honey bun it’s a true closer relationship u get with self ur peace and mindful very of ur space even more ! ❤😢😊😊😀💆🏽♀️🙏🏽
How long were you with the narcissist?
20 years, married and with kids! We met at a wedding in Glastonbury and thought it was a special spiritual connection, which I kept telling myself was special, yet ignoring all the red flags, thinking it would change. The mask slowly slipped and I continued to stay together for the kids sake. With the amazing help through Richard sharing his experiences and expert knowledge and the love and reconnection with myself, I managed to find the strength to get out and start a new life with my kids. I look upon the experience as the biggest lesson of my life and my cup is full and overflowing now. Just finalising my divorce and feel amazing. My real life is just beginning...
“They are looking at how they look through your eyes.” Absolutely True!
That is absolutely. chilling. I know someone who is a musician...who used that same 'phraseology' on my granddaughter...hmm...I heard they have 'flying monkeys' who parrot them and do their bidding....she just told me she was introduced to old friends of his she hadn't met before. They all commented on the way she looked at him while he was singing...that they wished thEY had someone like that...who looked at thEM...the way she did...him. I guess it could be innocent...but...the very last line on this video...got me thinking.....
And that makes us feel invisible because they're sooo good at perception management. You're still the leader in this great act.
If somebody high on the narc spectrum chooses you, take it as a compliment. You are the hero that could absorb the fragile little ego of theirs and kept their fantasy playing. You are the one that holds the power.
Thanks for this comment. I was married to a very malignant narc for 45 years. Saw the light 7months ago and escaped. Been no contact ever since. Filed for divorce just after Christmas and Domestic Violence police unit are putting a case together for prosecution. He has completely imploded without my strength to feed off. I am healing and getting stronger by the day❤
@@snowiecat456good job.
Don't know how about others, but I take compliments (intended or not) about things I want more in myself, not less..... Unless increasing one's capacity to fantasy play is something intrinsically good and I just keep failing to understand why. 'Keep failing' because my mother insists that it was good for me to learn to lie for dear life - I "was expanding my imagination"
And somehow that imagination is supposed to be a good thing even at the cost of loosing links with reality?
Okay so they are out of your life but can you greet them in a casual encounter, I mean as in hello. It seems sulky and weak to face to face ignore. Or am I wrong?
@@scout123-catwhy would you want to say hello?
If they say hello to you just tell them you aren’t friends and you don’t know them and you’ve got no interest in talking to them. It’s direct and truthful - best way to be.
My narc hubby is a great guy, fantastic neighbour, perfect colleague, charitable, kind, friendly, committed, saviour, people pleaser... who wouldn't want him in their life??
Until he's at home, with his head in his hands, staring into space, depressed, on repeat speech, entitled, in a perpetual state of victim hood, projecting negativity at every opportunity and yet totally absent!!
It's the most harrowing experience I've ever endured. After 33yrs, I need out!!
💔
My EXACT experience with my hubs of 25 years. I’m filing for divorce now
this is a covered Narcissist,those people deserved punishment from the law and God!
They are like an actor in many plays. Their whole lives are theater, and they must have the lead role in every production. It's after the curtains go down that's when you see the real them, and that terrifies them.
Its likely you're the narcissist making his life a living hell. That its his reponse to you. My best friend has recently divorced one and she has no clue sh'es the cause of all this.
What I felt very strongly was that he was looking at how he looked (with me as an accessory) through other people's eyes. How he looked through my eyes was irrelevant - there was no space for me or my emotions, thoughts, or opinions.
I was born into a narcissistic family and married a narcissist with narcissist parents. I observed them and was abused by them for decades. I have seen what is under their mask, they’re ugly creatures without any emotions. They only light up for their addictions, whatever that might be and for the public. As soon as they get home the mask come off and back to that ugly creature they really are again. I’ve gone no contact with the whole pack and feel great again. I’m getting more and more educations which is so therapeutic by professionals like yourself on U-Tube thank you so much Richard 🙏
Well put so true
Don't beat yourself up, I was fooled for 26 years! Who cares who they are!
You're probably everything they'll never be!
@lyn...
I hear ya !
That’s very narcissistic view of yourself - these comments are all hilariously ironic “they can never be as good as me 😂😂😂
Narcissism is just another word for "evil".
I never knew that I could be fooled like this. After two and a half years I’m done. His mood is crazy then says well it’s your fault you made me yell at you and call you names. ? I try to explain myself why I’m leaving and he says I never said that and tells me I’m crazy. It’s like everyone’s post sounds like my life. Please GOD help me to leave, I don’t have money or a job but I know I have to leave 😢
God will provide for you. I did 20 years of being with a narcissist. Leave.
"Part of the tool you always are, is a mirror" - is right! They are obsessed, and constantly seeking their own reflection
Not an accurate reflection though, it's more like a fun house mirror.
@David-eu1ms Yes! My ex-narc would stand in the mirror & take selfies. I can't even imagine the delusions she was imagining while always staring at herself.
Mirroring is when Narky says things that you say has the same interests. Imitates your gestures. May dress like you. Narky does this to reflect yourself back at you. Cuz Narky knows they are nasty. Narky is hoping you see Narky as yourself and fall in love with you own image...
Narky DOESN'T want to see their own reflection. They know they are evil and disgusting...
@@David-eu1msa house-of-mirrored-horrors 😢
Conclusion: to get rid of a narc- make sure they look excruciatingly bad through your eyes. Totally worked for me.
LOL I did the same thing and it totally worked. She just faded out of my life like our 6 year relationship didn’t even exist. Didn’t bother to call or text me, but honestly thank god. Good riddance
Spot on!! Yes...remove the narc fog and see them as they truly are. Not the fictitious false self they portray.
My ex really does seem like an emotionless robot.
Research Alexithymia. Often comorbid with NPD. Along with DID.
And then what, you moved on. Yaaay, you found out you were with a narcissist, you went through the destruction and you learned about it. Then what, they still walk on this planet and cause destruction. They are still doing them while everyone else is trying to heal from it.
I see all these videos, I'm glad you all were able to heal, but truly and honestly victim of narcissist abuse not everyone is that easy, specially ones who suffered from PTSD or CPTSD
While we are given medication or spending money for treatment, they are still who they are. Why isn't there a law that looks at it as a white weapon and they face criminal charges, without waiting till they take someone's life or the other gives up on life. Not everyone can heal from narcissistic abuse nor not everyone can just walk away. My point is, we now know who they are, they are a lot stronger and stupid but yet win. We don't win in any means. Just like cancer, even if you are cured, you'll always be high risk
One thing to understand that Richard often talks about here is that you can only fix yourself - in most cases, after finding oneself being affected by these types of people, one must ultimately only take responsibility for being codependent and unable to set boundaries in their relationships and etc and so on
While truing to recover its his job to stalk every narcissist he knows to expose them to everyone they know?
A large % of people are narcs. Unless you know nobody, you know narcs. Do you spend every waking moment stalking them to expose them?
What if after being done a yr later they change? You wouldnt know. Then youd be stalking an ex narc to make them pay and in suffering they might relapse....
Think your stuff out please.
@Gmanwonderswhy
Narcs never change. If anything they get worse.Unles they are affecting you or someone you care about, there is no point wasting your time exposing them. Eventually they will be exposed for what they are because of the way they behave.
Exactly ‼️ They are demons in meat suits 😭
They are empty,broken souls.
👍
But that does not give them the right to abuse other people !
@romygarcia3782
Agreed. Just stating a fact.
They have no soul.
Agreed they can’t feel ! Even if you show them love they never had they still can’t accept it !😢❤
Having to be a different person for everyone that you come in to contact with must be exhausting.
No wonder my narc was always complaining about being tired.
😂😭🤣😭😂😭😭😭
Ghhhuhh
😂 👍
Narc woman told me she was up all night staring at the ceiling. I knew she was up talking to supply one called at 3 a.m while we were together. She refused to answer the call. But she did present ask shy vulnerable and awkward
😅😂😢😅
They tend to be hypocrites
But they do not at all understand this when it’s pointed out to them. Incredulous
"Rules for thee, not for me!"--the narcs motto
9 years narc free! Everyday is a healing journey! 😊
Wauw ! That sounds encouraging 😳😝
As long as you stay no contact you truly find peace again
True
Yes, 9 years for me. When you begin, the journey through the "valley" of your life, you never know the person that you will emerge as, and that is a beautiful thing. I feel so grounded now. When I first found out that my X had lived a whole secret life, the ground beneath my feet was literally shaking. I had to hang on and that thing that I hung on to, was " me".
I’m 6 years. Are you still alone? I can’t trust anyone ever again I don’t think. It was so convincing….
You say "Friends" like you believe a Narcissist has friends. (Pun). They only build reputations amongst these groups; never character from within, there's no place to put it.
One thing I’ve learned: narcissists ever expanding and deep-rooted friend groups are more important to them than any partner or kids. It’s like they own their friends, and you can’t have them, or be part of that. They compartmentalise their lives. The double lives and secrets they keep are part of their selfishness. It’s only for them, keep out, no entry.
This is very true, and it was a problem in my marriage. My ex husband never once in ten years of being together let me talk to, let alone MEET his friends. They knew I existed -- or some of them did, not all I'm sure -- but he was allowed friends, while he ran down the few I had until I had none. He would bend over backwards for friends and coworkers, but if I needed help with anything, I was shit outta luck.
His new victim was a coworker he NEVER ONCE told me about. I only discovered her accidentally when I was looking at our family Spotify account. He'd put his new fling on the Spotify account and for some reason didn't kick me off it. Then I did a bit of internet sleuthing and found out she'd worked with him for YEARS. Never once never once never once did he mention her. And then after my discard, he married her within the year after I had to pay for the divorce even though he was the one who wanted it.
YES. YES. I totally resonate with your comment because it happened to me. It's bizarre until you realize it's a narc and that's how they are.
Yes, exactly. Anyone, other than their partner & children, are always more important bc those people dont see or live with them 24/7/365 & don't have a clue. Even those who know the narc is married with or without kids, never question why they dont ever see their family nor see the lack of morals & integrity of said narc.
Yes
💯
@@the_grassy_noel
hit the nail on the head I believe those people know whats going on or they just want to keep the peace.. the ex I was with went to every family wedding without her 2 kids or partner and not one person questioned it.
Yes, and when the narc is your mother, it's like living in a dark pit covered with a thousands mirrors, sharp as razors, forever cutting your soul.
Life's a stage and narcissists are the Academy Award winning actors n actressss
Best comment.
Yes.
How they look through OUR eyes is very important.
I think thats why the raging flip outs from hell when they're called out on their lies and utter bullshit.
They see .. they catch glimpses (on some level) of what a pos we see them as in those moments.
Cheers.
Christi 🇨🇦
Yes!!
Oh I made sure before I left that POS that I knew exactly what he was and what his game has been all along and what an evil human being he is
Absolutely 🎯! Narcs aren't the only ones who can smell fear, and you can see just how insecure and terrified they really ARE when you call them out on their bullshit...if you can actually get a sentence in. Haha
Similar with my ex....over 25 years and I am still shocked Richard. The thing is I think that we are feeling in some way that we don't really know them and this makes us anxious and then we try to understand ,to analyse etc....but at the end this also is like a dark hole. 😫😫Thank you for sharing. It really does help.
The best gage for me is their lack of intimacy and attention span for others ..but of course...so self-centred..
Amazing Talk Richard.
Thank You💯👁
Hi Richard Thank You So Very Much For Sharing This I Went Through Horrific Emotional And Psychological
Abuse Almost Suffering A Never Breakdown I Would Get Months And Years Of The Silent Treatment Almost Driving Me Crazy!!!
This Person Destroyed My Self Esteem Self Confidence Self Worth.I Have A Month Of No Contact!!
Narcissistic Abuse Is Beyond Brutal It’s Torturing Cruel Abuse..My Safety Is Self Isolating Myself.
Why you ain’t leave the relationship I knew from day 1 and still stayed he tried to kill me tho but TRIED he slipped hard asf don’t worry about it you’ll be fine are u trauma bonded ?
They love to pick on the girls but if you would ever notice they don’t pick on someone they own size they weak asf***
We are still shocked and surprised when we are shocked and surprised😂
It is an emotionally shocking experience but it is hard to miss someone
that you never knew to begin with. Once you realize that, you quit obsessing about what happened or why, etc.
You imagined you loved what turned out to be an illusion. Maybe you did or maybe you were just playing pretend too? It leaves one feeling empty, but it leaves you with a real impetus to get very real and become authentic and autonomous. You learn that being w your Self is fulfilling, that you are real and worth knowing. Did you really love them or were you just focused on trying to get them to love you? Crazy making waste of time, except that you woke up when it hit the wall.
Excellent video and so true. They are chameleons.
So true Richard, looking at how they look through our eyes, we are used as a mirror.
Very accurate. It like being with a spy. My former husband completely espoused the exact same beliefs as me, on animal rights, on race, on religion, absolutely on the same page. Then he left to be with the new person, and his views changed 180 degrees. Now he wears different clothes, eats different food, has opposing views on religion. It totally blew my mind.
Reinvent themselves.
Professor Sam Vaknin states that narcissists have multiple personalities. Perhaps different people tsp into one of the narc's other personas. Very interesting and creepy.
it might be that your relationship was the catalyst for his change in views, or maybe they associate those views with you and they dont wanna associate with anything that reminds them of you
The person designed their own personality to survive life itself. Yes, its full of lies and delusions too..thank you for showing me the way
Yes, yes and yes. Interestingly, as a 'people pleaser' I have also been a mirror, and I'm highly sensitive to others emotions, inflections in their voice, mannerisms, changes in behaviour, and I will use this information to try to provide the person of what they need, I'll mirror whoever I want to like me, I hate that I do this, but it happens instinctually, I'm trying to be more me now though.
Also, I could sometimes tell who my ex had been talking to because sometimes he forgot to turn his 'mirror' off and he would be still acting like the other person to me, he would deny it of course...
yes, same here... it's so true, they often forget to turn the mirror off, that's how one can find all their lies. It's funny and heartbreaking at the same time.
Richard - you are amazing. I have an excellent non-copywrite analogy for the Narcissistic acting performance. Ref - Movie scene in Mission Impossible Ghost Protocol, where Ethan (Tom Cruise) erects a 'screen visual' in Kremlin where the viewer sees a false screen, moving constantly to match the eyes. Perfect! Even more perfect lesson from this is even where the viewer notices errors in what he/she is looking at, they will dismiss the thought once the imagery returns to 'normal'. Anyone who has emerged from the narcisisstic fog, will understand how amazing this analogy is.
The scariest thing is when you have children with them. They feed on their innocence. When you set hard boundaries they move to the next woman's child, or have more children, to replace the supply that you've taken from them. Very dark and demonic souls these people have. Trying to divorce mine now, he won't just go away, even though he's "moved on". Can't make sense out of crazy.
He’d pick my youngest up like a shield pretending he cared. Everything is false. They are false pathetic people
The worst thing is when they start figuring out that you're on to them and you're no longer their victim they will go to your children and go scorched Earth on you and they will lie to your kids about you and they will try everything they can possibly do over years and years to convince your kids that you're the bad person and that they're the wonderful ones and you just got to hope and pray that your kids are smart enough to be able to see through that crap one of mine is, and one of mine isn't.
Can't make sense out of crazy.
😮@@proudamerican2133yes I've just been through this, my son is 18 and doesn't see his Dad now and really couldn't care less about him, I never thought and I always hoped his Dad would pull through but he never did, he just controlled us after the separation withholding and punishing, what a horror of a human being. Police officer who wouldn't pay maintenance, wouldn't buy his son a pair of shoes for school. Waited for me to have meltdowns when I called his shit out then got me arrested by his own police force! Had I forgot how brutal he was to me? What a scum bag!
The point about us being a mirror makes so much sense.
What does that really mean though. I don't understand this part.
@@cmrosscmrossthey get into your head and mirror you, pretending to know you! It's a technique to make you doubt your own sense of self, it breaks down barriers, the love bombing stage is a good example of this!
Thank you for sharing your story, it helps to know that we do not know their agenda, and are not naive for making the mistake of letting them in. Letting go is brave!
The mask always slips. Thank you for this most informative video🙏
I realized I became a “home base” for my narcissist: that was my sole significance to him so I was basically a housekeeper/so-called wife/parent to our children. Heck, that was convenient and rather than living as a single he got this bonus base of operation where the world could at least superficially see him as “family man” which, of course, he wasn’t. On the side he was able to have both female and male lovers and I mostly got the sexually transmitted diseases, the constant shocks from his behaviors, the dramas and the lies, the lies, the lies…
You just described my hell of 32 years!
💔
Bro… this. We’re just maids/cooks/nannies.
Same …
@@ashr8801 just like June Cleaver except it's not 1960 anymore it's 2024 and their views on task division and "women's work" is absolutely insane!!
My eyes are fully open to this. I realised manipulations against me were going on for years, friendships have been destroyed, and ge came over like a wonderful person to others.
I believe a lot of this has been drug induced; I believe these drugs open them up to demonic influences. When you deal with demons, you can observe extreme cleverness, extreme ability to drive the knife in deeper than any human can. " Our battle is not with the flesh, but with evil forces in high places etc"
Note if people are talking Too You or With You? A narcissist doesn’t talk with You They Talk To You. If your Talking? It’s 99% likely your answering a question to something that they will use against You.
They're talking AT you, not TO you. Yes or no grunts to something that is an important discussion from yourself about your life. Only to be followed up by a monologue that has nothing to do with what you were just talking about when it's their turn to talk. This is just a one-way conversation!
They never listen, nor pretend to either
Exactly!! They use something you say as a springboard to their story. It’s like being in the Twilight Zone. You think to yourself, there wasn’t even an acknowledgment of what I said. So self centered.
The acting skills of my narc can put the skills of Meryl Streep to shame. 😊
I know what you mean. Its one way they are able to convince their flying monkeys that the NARC is the victim
What I found interesting with my narcissistic ex was how her personality ever so slightly changed over the 4 years we were together from being exactly like mine to someone else entirely. The gaslighting was her trying to explain to me that we had nothing in common and that we weren't compatible. Not anymore but that we were never compatible. She completely ignored the times we would joke about being being separated at birth and it was scary how similar we were.
Wow. My ex husband said the same exact stuff. We have nothing in common, we weren't compatible, you're not my person. Well, I sure was for ten years so how was I suddenly NOT that person anymore?
Oh I was suddenly not that person when the next victim came into the picture and all of the life and energy and joy had been sucked out of me. Looking back on it, I thought it was the most bizarre shift in our situationship. I was everything and then like a ton of bricks I was not and then there was so much revisionism going on. (And then I was accused of being the revisionist historian! lol!)
I get you completely. Went through it all too. I hope you are doing infinitely better now!
@@spacegirl226 Yes exactly. It's a recent occurrence for me so I'm still working through it. I'm not letting her turn me into a victim. I was victimised but I was to blame for my parts. I should have left when the red flags became too much to ignore. When boundaries were weren't adhered to. I'm much better off without her and I hope the next person she immediately moved to sees her manipulative ways before she ruins his life too. I got lucky since we never got married, had kids or bought a house together. I told her to leave and never come back. Calling her out as a narcissist wasn't the best idea but at least it got her to leave without too much damage and since she knows I know I doubt she'll try to hoover me.
Yeah i heard the exact same things.
@@123MGshe will when she realises she messed up
That’s probably the best description yet to explain this horendous nightmare you can never wake up from or so your brain thinks so . 2 years of therapy and still trying to unravel the sadistic abuse inflicted on me . Just simply horrific !!!
As I divorced my wife a narcissist I found out she knew literally every club in town. Talking about a whole different life! I sometimes traveled for work and sometimes had to work nights, I also found out she had affairs with men at work and I frequented her work place and everyone there knew what I didn't know. My kids didn't tell me she went out at night because she would tell them she would be sent to jail if they did. Trying to get full custody. I thought that given the fact that she barely sees them one night a week would give me the ability to get full custody but the laws are set up to protect the rights of the mother and not the child.
By the way, when she found out I wanted the kids full time she threatened to have kids with the new man in her life and she would not see our kids anymore and would make sure our kids knew I caused the pain of her not seeing them...ohh and she would make sure our kids will see her happy with her new family. How could I be so wrong?
Because normal people don't think like a criminal.
There's nothing like carrying a different tone of voice when they speak to different people (that you don't hear from them) as if they are completely different person. It's as if they're an actor using a different character for each person that they talk to.
Of course you or I or whoever else that they take for granted does not get that nice sweet tone of voice. (We did in the beginning but it's been so long we forgot that idealization mask version that we used to hear from their lips)
Thank you for doing this i agree with everything you said, please continue to be the light for people who are lost from being with the narcissist. ❤
It wasn't just the network of people I discovered she had but it was the way she portrayed me to these people, I was a different person to different people in her world. Some I was her partner, some I was a friend, some I was my profession, some I was her ex. This was so damaging over time because i was getting mixed atmospheres and reactions depending on who she was with. The only way it was stable and normal is when I saw her when and where she wanted me, if I turned up randomly or someone she knew turned up randomly one day everything changed and she was completely different, some times a person would appear who she had explained to me she hated, then when they arrived she would be all over them like long lost friends, it was so confusing,
The narc had 2 FB pages. I was not invited to join either.
Since moving on with his new supply, narc has made his FB page private so that I don't see the bs he's posting. I've been calling out his lies this past decade so the discard was inevitable
This is spot on and gives me insights to the hellscape I was once forced to "live" in with a narcon. Thank you Richard. I usually say, when I talk to people about those years that its quite impressive the damage and deceit the smart ones are capable of. The narcon that ran my life to hell was my former therapist who started a "relationship" with me during traumatreatment. At that point she knew everything about me.
How horrific.💔
Thanks for takeing the time to reply.
It was and still is (as Im still severly damaged from it but getting the right help LifespanIntegration/DBR etc). And also the legal stuff with reporting her to the authorities and what not@@sabrinasetzler689
I am so sorry, this is why I avoid therapy. She is honoured to know your vulnerabilities, but what a betrayal of trust have you reported her?
@@jomoon9391 Yes, she has been reported to authorities. With the help of my psychologists that help me heal now at a special trauma treatment center.
@@jomoon9391 Yes she has been reported with the help of my two psycholigists at a traumatreatment center
I am amazed with this last one I just got out of. I thought I had seen it all with Narc Man #2. But, then I met the notorious covert narcissist. Now I think I’ll just stay single. Cuz wow…just wow. Lol
He keeps telling me i am synthetic, artificial in my behaviour - one person at home & one person outside. Is it gaslighting me?. He tells me that frequently with anger, screaming. Initially I got shocked when he started saying this to me, then out of humility I started believing this with myself.
The thing is the girl I was with had a double life but the deception was engineered to perfection, if it hadn't been leaked out, I would of gone to my grave without knowing a thing, it's mental. You just cannot believe that people behave this way, it's shocking but I am good now and wiser
I keep asking myself : when they scan you to get to know your biggest fears and worst nightmare, so they can trigger you exactly on the right spots : do they do this intentionally or is this an unconscious act. … Sometimes I think they really don’t realize, but other moments I say to myself ‘He knows exactly what he’s doing cause he’s not an idiot !!! It’s hard though to accept that someone who claims to LOVE you, can treat you and harm you this way 😢
It's a form of control when they play those mind games just to keep you in a fog
I think many times its a subconscious thing. They've been doing it since children as a type of coping technique that it becomes a part of them. I don't think they wake up and think "how will I find this guy's weaknesses to trigger", I think its just something they do without thinking.
They know and do it on purpose.
@@Eugenetra7 I think it's a baseline instinctive response but that they can also ramp it up intentionally. So, it's what they do in a low-key way all the time, naturally, but they can also amplify their 'gift' for doing it if the situation demands.
Oh no they totally do it on purpose because they feed off your emotions they want to break you down because they're so insecure they can't stand being around anybody who has anything more together than them so they'll find your weak spots and then they'll just keep hammering and hammering and hammering away at those areas causing you to react emotionally and then they'll point to you and tell everybody else look I live with an unstable person poor me look at how terrible it is for me they're diabolical and they're freaking evil
I too just was discarded by my narcissist wife. After 36 years I’m just trash she put out at the curb. My wife moved in on my friends and I’ve never known hers. She lies about everything. I really didn’t care at the time. My wife also played our children against me and against each other. My oldest told me her mother doesn’t love her. Heartbreaking 💔 .
Please get your children into therapy...if they aren't already. Even if they seem fine...they aren't. 💔
I called her a secret agent... she loved it...
Her mask fell off when set a boundary LoL and then she ghosted me only after 2 years of marriage
What a coward
I too set one boundary and she threw a tantrum.
In another video, Richard talked about the narc getting you just for the purpose of eventually throwing you away. In other words, you’re being collected like a trinket to be traded away when they are done with you.(Paraphrased).
Wow!
I spent 40years knowing a narcissist and not knowing even the WORD "narcissist", none the less that I was an empathetic. I've been spending the last 7 years in recovery. These types of videos help when they define the calculated narcissist. 💯 Facts and acceptance is the key.
Actors on a theater stage. Individual people or groups or situations are simply different theater stages. They literally STEP onto "your" stage and take on a whole different character. Including body language, facial expressions, accent, words, vocal tones. They BECOME a whole different person, instantaneously. No idea why they didn't go to Hollywood. Brilliant actors, no conscience no remorse. WILD.
Yes! The friend thing. Lots I didn’t know about. He used to hide cards and presents in his wardrobe, where he also kept his ladies clothes and other paraphernalia. (He was into BDSM as well) it was shocking to me at first.
like you say richard narcisist are not there so this empty shell makes for
the perfect hosting body for a entity Narcisist are catalyst for darkness
Correct. Do your homework on this one! Dangerous. He has sent me hex threats of death.
Really interesting. Especially the concept that they are not looking at me. They are looking at how they look in relationship to or with me. Damn. 🙈 That explains why after 2 years as a couple, followed by a 1-year engagement, he did not even remember my middle name, nor my favorite foods, etc. But this came in handy within a few months after our wedding...when his violent, gaslighting, blame shifting, and deceiving side took over. I was able to make a fast, safe, no contact exit to my bff sister in another state--knowing he would not likely have any recollection of her name nor the state I spent 20 years! 🤣👏
Everything is response driven. Yup.
you can't have them as a main partner, or friend, they are good for nothing. I honestly believe they don't mind if you cheat either long as your still there to be bullied
👍👍👍👍
Mine was extremely controlling, verbally abused a male friend I was texting without any sexual intention. I dropped all my male friends over the course of 25 yrs marriage
Thank you Richard for this video. You describe the narcissist very well. I have listen to the video three times to understand it completely.
Richard- this is possibly one of the most illuminating and powerful videos wrt narcs that I've ever watched. The obfuscations + compartmentalization that these people employ as their life's work is sheer insanity. They must do this because they can never EVER willingly show their AUTHENTIC SELVES to anyone, so they play roles and hide double and triple lives.
The fake woman I wasted years on, used to say " I feel sorry for her? I feel sorry for him? It always weirded me out as it didn't warrant that over the top response. It's only now that I realise it was 'performed empathy ' by a stealer of confidence and souls, failed to full understand. I'll never get those years with her back.
Richard, this is so true. I keep hoping that one time you won't be right about everything, but alas, you always are lol. I'm very grateful and blessed that I saw thru his bullshit before he really destroyed me. Thank you for your videos. You have helped me tremendously over the last year. 😊
There is one 'benefit' to being a narc I suppose. They don't have to worry about wearing a mask on Halloween! And what a mask it is they're wearing! Fits the contours of their face perfectly Everything aligned & moulded with absolute precision.
Yep, they live mulitple lives and hide their gay tendencies.
It doesn't matter to them. Whomever can give supply. They no morals...
Truth. @@RandallGlatt
This sounds so familiar. My bf (gay) had a complete circle of friends anti gay, they did not know my existence for 3 years we were together, i was not supposed to meet with them ever, and he would often harass or make jokes with them targeting gays playing the act to fit.
Demonic Intelligence
How exhausting.
Too much effing work to feed a social addiction like this. Sorry to hear more of the BS relationship stuff for you, Richard.
My awakening to the existence of these individuals and their behaviors was an unexpected blessing that has affected my life very positively, in countless ways. It is a gift that too many never receive. I am eternally grateful.
Tries to make me think he’s concerns about my well being.. I know better. Uses it to contact me.. he’s so nervous .. he can hardly breath . He needs me to tell him something good about himself. So pathetic
"They're not really looking at us." They're looking at how THEY LOOK through your eyes." Excellent description! I spent years listening to how SHE FELT I should view her. NOT based on REALITY but some fake desire of hers to be viewed as awesome. She wasn't. It sucked being around her. You never knew when the PSYCHO was coming out. You only knew it was a matter of time.
I remember the narc ex asking me if I could change my personality with different people I knew. I think he may have been testing me to see if I was like him. It was really weird. It was like he was trying to open up like be vulnerable and tell me who or what he was really about. I’m very much like you and ask a lot of questions and if something seems off I’ll say how I see it. This seemed to weaken him immensely. It made me realise he had fed off my emotions for a very long time and I had fell into the trap of inquisitiveness which gave him fuel but also was destroying him. I hope this makes sense, it’s just how I’m seeing things now 😊
They mirror our good behaviour at first to hook us in then they do the switch to get us to mirror them and their vile behaviour, that’s when they can leave us for being the horrible vile person or keep us in the relationship by saying no one will ever want you now. They have then shown in their mind that they aren’t that bad because we are the same as them. They aren’t the only one like that.
This could be to show in their head it was the caregivers fault when they were a child, they may be trying to prove it wasn’t their fault by re-enacting the whole scenario over and over again due to confusion. Just a thought 💭
All humans have the capability to be evil but most of us have a conscience. It’s like peados harm kids by grooming them and making them believe they wanted the abuse.
Good evening from Pennsylvania ❤
It's good that Richard shares this experience. It seems that I need to really be scanning and testing for this kind of double-life behaviour in women, so I don't get a parasite in my life ("I'm using this person for this and that, that person for that and this, ... etc")
I was in the gay milieu in a Central European country for a long while a couple of decades ago. So many narcs among them! Just brought back the memories.
Oh yeah. Most gays are narcs. Pride is the root of homosexuality.
"You live your life like a sleeper agent," that is comedy GOLD!!!
New subscriber Thank you for pointing out some things I didn't understand I am going through sheer hell right now I don't know how much more I can take from him I have no one nothing to turn to
So sorry you have to go through this 🥺💔
Hold on, I thought I was going to die but seven months on, I am growing my power 🙏
Get help.
Make a plan.
Leave.
Heal.
Thank you all I have no family left none no friends and need medical attention and three surgeries and nowhere to go
Just pray for me I spend life but my time in a cooped up bathroom to stay away from him even have to eat and hear sometimes I'm in here right now just pray
Holy fucking... After 3 years of confusion, abuse, bread crumbing, love bombing... More videos thank I could possibly count (shout out to @DrRamani) You put it in a way I've never heard. And it made it SO MUCH MORE CLEAR. I just want authentic. And they are the opposite.
When molding clay, impressions can be smoothed out, but DEEP impressions that are baked- in are almost impossible to remove.
Smash the clay pot to dust and reconstitute it into raw clay again.
A near death experience might reform a narcissist.
Yeah it happens... lol ❤ 10years of mask, last two years of mask off!! That's when things get spicy...💯💯💯
I have learnt so much from Richards videos ,I need to learn more.
thanks for doing this Richard. I have a covert Narcistic Mother, enabling father and flying monkeys as siblings. This is really difficult :(
With the online thing games like fortnight and all types of groups ppl like that have a fantasy land of virtual friends and value ppl they never met more than you. They would be called ppl they care about based on late night conversations. Multiple friends groups and you in the flesh your just a tool to them
I just want to comment on this video. Born in the Netherlands with a fairly liberal view on life.
My interest in psychology (not just narcissism) brought me to your Canal.
I lived for 17 years in, if I understand correctly, the same part of Europe as your ex. I want to add something to your content with my response. The countries that were once dominated by communism still have major traces of this in their thinking and feeling world. Like that many things have to be done and remain in secret because of a very deep fear of discovery (whether rightly or wrongly). This distrust is already instilled in the upbringing and still has clear traces. Not talking openly about sexual orientation and political preference is one of them. Not expressing who your friends are (regardless of sexuality or political preference) is also something like that. People are afraid if those friends do or say something wrong, they will also be looked at and judged for it in the eyes of others and that can have negative consequences. So it is easier not to come out for who your friends are.
Friendships in those countries really work differently, as only the family bond counts.
And yes friends use each other and strange in our eyes they don't care as much about it as we do.
Remember that oppression is still (not always overtly) a way of life there. After all, your girlfriend has become narcissistic for a reason. In other words, the social culture of origin also can play a role.
Very well stated, especially near the end....
I totally agree, but it is funny, when you say that you were "cool". You're so passionate about the topic. I would need your anger
Deep...just deep... i'm just a mirror to her...
Complete Perfection ..
Well stated
My ex runs a couple of conspiracy theories groups of FB. People used to participate quite often when we were first together two and a half years ago. I noticed people stopped commenting and viewing his posts and I realized I think his friends are sick of being one-upped by his self proclaimed “expertise”. It got old and tired.
Brilliant work thanks
I saw this woman’s eyes turned black and her face changed
You have helped me so much!! Will not be watching anymore! 😅
I’m tired of all these cowards saying not to expose them. Fear is the mind kill3r. They are fear-based, which means it is them who should fear you. Enjoy! I have. And yes, this post is a narc lure. Let me play with them. It makes me happy. And I get to show everyone how it’s done and embarrass the narc who dares come up against me.