Surviving versus Thriving: How to Move the Brain toward Wholeness
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 9 มิ.ย. 2024
- There are powerful forces that play out when we do not have the emotional support we need as children. One thing leads to the next. Here's the quick summary: when are emotions are ignored as children, they are coded by the brain as dangerous, which means that when we have feelings as adults they will be followed by a stress response. This stress response causes our brains to be less integrated, which makes it more difficult to regulate the very emotions that frighten us. This lack of integration leads to inner chaos, which leads to 'rigidity', as we cling to behaviors which help us cope with the chaos (including emotional numbing and getting depressed, blocking intimacy, etc.). This chaos and rigidity make it more difficult to make choices that are actually based on what is good for us, which causes our life to suffer. When we are struggling to have success in life, judgment ensues--judgement from others and judgement from ourselves in the form of shame. When we shame or attack ourselves, our brain reads that just like an attack from the outside. In other words, more stress response is trigged. And we are back where we started! Only now whatever mistreatment we had from our parents (in the form of either neglect or punishment) has been internalized and taken on a life of its own. It is easy to see how people get stuck!
The good news is that while negative begets negative, positive also begets positive. So when we can shift any part of the "circle", we suddenly have access to forces that will help us along. For instance, when we learn self-compassion, we can foster an inner safety that allows us to move to the 'circle of thriving'. The same is true when we learn to not fear our emotions. Feeling safe in our own internal world helps the brain become more integrated, which allows our potential to open up.
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Wow.
What a gift you are! This explaination of how I have gone through life with these issues r/t emotions is SPOT ON accurate. I am just breathing this is right now. I am 64. And I am feeling hopeful that I will have a happier, more whole, future. That is a sweet feeling. I have dealt with serious mental health issues that neither of my olser sisters have had. This explains why. My "parents" were burned out, overwhelmed and unavailable when I was born. Not a loving world to enter. I learned to hide. Freeze. Deny/ suppress. Ive done a lot of work in therapy, and will be seeking qualified counselor to continue my growth. 🙏
Having dealt with depression and worked with several therapists for nearly 30 years, listening to your presentations has helped me to understand what I've experienced in a way that I've never been able to understand it before. And framing it in terms of trauma has enabled me to see it all much clearer. Thankfully I have finally found a therapist who specializes in treating trauma and who employs much of what you discuss in your videos. Thank you so much for the wonderful and compassionate way that you explain these things.
Oh, that's wonderful to hear!! I'm truly glad this content was of benefit to you! That is my hope--that understanding some of the underlying principles will help people feel empowered. Thank you!!
Dr. Olds, The intellect of Einstein and the compassion of the Dalai Lama. This information is extremely valuable because the inflexible defenses of most will prevent them from seeing it, but because our society has developed the logical mind over emotional reasoning, it can be a map to a full overview of their dysfunction, which leads to expanded awareness, and then mindfulness. Knowing where you are on the map is just as important as knowing who you are along the journey.
Thanks for this insight! And for the supportive comments! Are you pointing out how when we have a more clear map of the mind (even just intellectually) it sort of 'lays bare' the ways we are in defense and not accessing the full ranger of our potential, and any starting point like that can be an opening for further exploration and truth? Is that along the lines of what you are saying here?
@@DrToriOlds yes. The battle with unconscious patterns needs an interrupt and these are many fold in the approach of insight as a cure; schemas, coping style, modes, cognitive bias, thoughts, emotions, archetypes, etc. The list is endless for patients. Of course it's not all psychological, its neurobiological, and habituation, or the repetition compulsion, or conditioning, or memory reconsolidation, illuminates this. But, each is often discussed separately. Multifactored approach is required, psychological and biological, whether it be schema therapy with pharmacology or electric brain stimulation or deep meditation for reaching alpha brain states so that reconsolidation or corrective experience can occur seems more promising. Without the full overview people will never know much lies in the brain, and are doomed to the feelings of failure and defectiveness/shame as they repeat facing the hydra only to discover another head grows back.
@@mwil619 brilliant yes!
Oh lord….
Brilliant. I am currently learning how to turn towards rather than away from my emotions by checking in with myself more regularly and being honest with myself about how I feel. Getting to know my emotional world is beginning to open up doors for me and I'm beginning to feel different, more resourced in fact! Being there for myself is the best gift I can give myself, and I now have a better understanding of what it means to be in touch with my inner child. My life, my being, my inner world is starting to come into focus, and this video helped give me a better understanding of the shame cycle, its origins, and how I can begin integrating my emotions more to arrive at a place of compassion to begin growing into my potential. Thank you for the work you do!
Oh, that's wonderful to hear!! I wish you the best in your journey and am glad I could be of help :)
This needs to be taught in high school!!! Amazing!!
I've been struggling for years because of how my I was bullied in my early years of school, it's been so hard trying to survive while also walking without sight or hope, this video helped me feel like I have hope again, thank you so much Dr. Tori, I'm praying I can get out of this self perpetuating cycle!
I hope you can be free of it as well!!!!!
Beautifully explained.. and in a so gentle and caring way :-)
Thank you.
I really appreciate you saying so! Thanks for taking the time to let me know! ;)
This information is mind blowing!! No pun intended 😄 One.of my biggest challenges is having anxiety about my emotions (specifically wondering if my reactions/responses are "normal") Now I understand why!
My mother was neglectful and not only ignored our needs but made fun of our emotions (laughed when we got hurt or were sad, etc) She was a CN & had her own issues.
Thank you!! ♡
Dr. Olds you have become one of my absolute favorite psychology grand masters. And I have studied courses from many leaders in the field. 🙏🏽
That one presentation is so very very good. I can see myself, past, present and future. Wow! A complex presentation, presented in a way that is so understandable. I need to put this one on loop.
This is really helpful... I could sense how I had actually moved in that direction the past years and even had a fairly good relationship with my parents. But as my mother noticed my change she latched on to feed her own needs. Its really hard to deal with the state of surviving when you feel the heaviness of another person latching on, but also guilt that as a grown up I was not able to set healthy boundaries and that I have caused additional suffering because of me silently pulling away.
Your videos have become a resource on many levels, and this one, with the fantastic graphic, is one of the best. I come from an emotionally neglected childhood and have tried for decades to understand my reactions and get in control of my emotions with very little success. Through watching your videos I have hope some of my angst and frustration can begin to unravel. THANK YOU
Tori Olds explains stuff we all struggle with in a straightforward understandable way. The result is empowering: I can do this!
A few days ago I met Dr. Olds with very insightful information about IFS. The calm and clear explanation and the compassionate way of telling gives me great insights and help to get in contact with my managers and my exiles. This video gives me more insight how to get more thriving instead of surviving. Thanks for being there 🙏
Wow...thank you...this is exactly the visual I was hoping to find somewhere. I am mid flight on this journey to learn how to switch it up...but was getting caught up on when these things happen to get formed. Observing this visual removed that constraint for me and now I can just see the system backwards much more clearly. Thank you again...now to go see about reversing some of the maladaptive behaviors as coping strategies I have that annoy me and others.
I came here as a coach looking for parts work facilitation training. Now I want to become a therapist. This is outstanding content and I’ll be sure to watch it all. Thank you.
The diagram is so useful. Is there a place a therapist can purchase a copy of the diagram? I believe it's a useful tool to include in my counseling office.
Thank you so much for the simple way of explaining these difficult topics, much appreciated!
The shattering problem is just that all guides refer to "using your support system" when people with cptsd or ptsd almost never have that - given that the people surrounding them are LITERALLY the cause for their ptsd as they were the ones abusing, so you have to cut everyone out and then are completely alone.
Your videos are really helpful. You are great at explaining complex things in simple terms. I appreciate it ❤
So glad to hear that!! Thanks for the amazing compliment!! Making complex things simpler is truly my goad, so yay! :)
This is powerfully informative! A lot of therapy does focus on being more tolerant, or less fearful, of emotions, but most professionals miss the social resource, and emotional connection. There is still a cultural and professional expectation that clients are responsible for their own healing. While that is mostly true, interpersonal neurobiology still needs to take place, especially if someone really does not have any internal resources yet. It is rare, but some people have been abandoned and neglected so badly, that they still need an initial attachment figure, or just need to be accepted by anyone for anything. How would you work with someone who does not fear or suppress their negative emotions, but clearly is unable to receive and perceive social resources provided, and unable to experience emotional connection? They cognitively function and receive these things, but their nervous system does not.
When you refer to someone who is 'unable to receive social resources provided,' were you referring back to your comment about people who have been so badly abandoned...or to some other topic (like a neurological difference)?
@@DrToriOlds I refer to being abandoned. My question is how to get those resources to the nervous system, when cognition is not effective? Someone can talk to me and validate safety, but it stays cognitive, and my body stays in a stress response if dis regulated. Thinking and perceiving safety doesn’t reach the nervous system, even if safety is provided, even if provided somatically. What is powerful enough to validate safety to a nervous system so severely undeveloped?
@@DrToriOlds actually, a much better way to ask the same question, what is the most direct, powerful, effective thing that the central nervous system validates safety? What does the central nervous system use, or sense, or pay attention to, or respond to, the most powerfully to validate safety or become regulated? Basically, what is the deepest most powerful thing human physiology can sense or do that really really sends the point home of safety?
I love your work. So clear and relevant. Thank you for putting it out there!!
Amazing! Thank you so much!
You are so beautifully combining psychology and spirituality - I am inspired, and am now fully committed to watching all of your videos!
Oh, thanks so much!! For some reason I think you’d like the one on the “vulnerability of complexity”. Let me know what you think! :)
Wow! Really useful. Re-coding emotion as less of a threat and more of a resource is a gold nugget to be treasured, thank you. Don't agree with dividing emotions into negative and positive though.
Haha 2:40 in realizing I'm screwed and even less optimistic about figuring out how to help me then before. People leave, the ones who get close....dissappear and let you down. The ones who are there in that moment are always gone in alter moments never to be heard from or depended upon again. I must be truly f*ckin broken to never have this in my life and most of the time have connection do the opposite of what you are speaking of.
Iv loved your videos on IFS and I myself have learned a lot about all sorts of healing modalities. Thing is I am not sure it matters anymore....
Thanks for the time and energy it took to make this video.
This video is an incredible resource. Thank you!
Thank you so much. I am so grateful for your work. 💙
Dude!!! Thank You for the visual!!! You are awesome 👏
Thank you this is one of the most helpful videos I have come across. The visual map made so much sense
Love it!!! ❤❤❤❤❤
This is really helpful. I'm so glad I discovered your videos.
Thank you for sharing your knowledge. I am liking all the videos
1:55 ...the power of emotional connection as a valuable resource... fosters bonding in relationship!!
Thank You Tori. Brilliant!
You're so welcome! Thanks for the kind comment!! :)
🤯 Thank you! ❤
Thanks for the video.
All your videos are amazing - massive value-add. Thanks so much for sharing (for free!) with us
You're welcome, Victor!! Glad they've been valuable to you! ;)
This really helped me. Thanks. 💕
You’re very welcome 😊
Thank you
This was really good!
Explains why I've felt so alone and so independent
Yeah…it’s at the root for so many of us. A basic aloneness…
This was so incredibly helpful. Thank you
So glad to hear that Stacey!! Thank you! ;)
wow. thank you
Excellent explanation. Thank you for taking the time to share this.
You're very welcome! And thanks so much for take time to say so in the comments!! ;)
It's not just the brain, but heart and poly-vegal, somatic responses sending message to brain, safe or not safe. Breath work, EFT tells the body, heart it's safe, which signals to brain safety.
Love your series! Thank you!
Thanks John!! Really sweet of you to leave a post ;)
@@DrToriOlds ❤️
Is the graphic available ? Where can i can got one ? Thanks, im therapist and this grap is really usefull for education with patient and a nice resume. THank for your contribution.
What a beautiful diagram
Thank you.
You're welcome! ;)
Emotional connection and social resourse is the biggest missing peice for me, I'm trying to be that for others as is so needed
Yes, it is so needed!! Please keep fighting to undo your aloneness! Most important mission…
Wow this really explains a lot, I'm seeing others reason for rage and disconnect
Oh good…
Thanks for the clear and concise summary! I'd be interested in watching the longer version for professionals if it's still available? Thanks!
Hey Kim!
Yeah, the more complete explanation of the triangles (multiple videos in a row) are part of my 10-hour course on my website, www.toriolds.com (the Integrating Experiential Therapies course). I also go over them from a trauma perspective in the 3-hour 'ethics of working with trauma' course there. But since you are already one of my students, I'll email you the links to the videos...
Thanks for being interested! :)
Excellent concept and amazing presentation
Thanks so much!! I'm glad you thought so and I appreciate you taking time to leave a comment!! :)
I was asked to watch this video as well as your "Transformation Series" in preparation for a "Coherence Therapy"; I am really happy my future therapist asked me to do so ! Your videos are truly amazing and I truly appreciate them all. Thanks a lot for making them available. Also, I was wondering if you have a picture available for the great diagram displayed in the background. I am also a fan of Dan Siegel's work, having read "Mindsight" a few years ago ;-).
Thanks so much for taking the time to tell me this, Simon! I’m delighted that you found these videos helpful!! So glad to hear it and truly appreciate the kind words... tori
@@DrToriOlds I'll ask also " if you have a picture/diagram at your website - available for download - of the great diagram displayed in the background." Much thanks for your consideration
Im trapped in a child's mind. I cant become an adult. I would have been punished by any attempt to do so. Punishment was so scary.
Makes sense
Brilliant video, thank you for bringing this work
Through the somatic work and trauma work, I've found out that resources is also energetical, ie does the cell as a whole or the nervous system have enough energy to carry out task, fight flight or getting away can take a lot of energy, so does the immense amount of energy needed to come out of shutdown into fight flight and shake off the trauma
Yeah, a lot comes down to resource…
Hi Dr. Olds, I love your videos!! Can you tell me where I can get a copy of your Circle of Thriving graphic?
Super helpful Tori. Curious why you used the word lust, as opposed to sexual expression.
Interesting
❤
I love your videos! Do you have, or could you link, an explanation of what "FACES Flow" is?
FACES refers to Flexible, Adaptive, Coherent, Energized and Stable. It is an acronym used by Dan Siegel to help remember the characteristics of an integrated flow of the "complex dynamical system" that is formed by the Mind-Brain-Relationships triangle of Well-Being. Sorry I am not able to provide a simpler explanation, as Dr. Olds certainly wpould be 😉
Yes, Simon is absolutely correct!! FACES stands for Flexible, Adaptive, Coherent, Energized and Stable. In his study of complex systems (which the brain would be included), Siegel was surprised to discover that complexity theory teaches us that complex systems (when highly integrated) are "flexible, adaptive, and coherent" (those are math terms!!). He is an acronym junkie, so he added "energized and stable" because those qualities pretty clearly show up for us humans when the complex system of our brain is integrated. The bottom line is that when our brain, with all its diverse networks and ways of processing information, can do a good job pulling together the unique threads of information (rather than shutting any out or one over riding the other--like when our thoughts dominate and we have trouble feeling, or visa versa), that state (which we call integration), is optimal in achieving complexity (think of complexity as the sophisticated, stunning beauty of a symphony), and that complexity is optimal for mental health (by producing FACES flow...just like complexity theory would suggest!!). :) BTW, when integration is not achieved, then complex systems will err either on the side of rigidity or chaos (which all mental health problems could be categorized under).
Hope that helps!! For more, just turn to the book Mindsight...
@@DrToriOlds Thank you so much for the detailed response, that's super helpful! I've added Mindsight to my to-read list. :)
Helpful chart, anyone know where I can get a copy ?
Can you please enable captioning or transcript, for people like me with adhd it is hard to maintain attention. Reading along whilst listening to the video helps to take in more information. Thanks 🎉
I had to replay parts of it a few times
Hi Tori, you mentioned another version for therapists. Where can I find that?
This is great! Do you have a PDF that we can print off for our clients? This would be helpful!
If you contact me through my website, I'd be happy to share it...
Could you Please enable captions for this video? I love your channel and normally watch it but I am deaf so without the captions I can't. Thank you
Hey, Dr. Tori, thank you for the video. I'd like to know which age range you're talking about when you say "child", please. Thank you!
You know, I don't mean anything to 'technical' or specific when I say 'child'. A lot of people focus on the first 2 years because so much is happening in that time (and because historically it was ignored), but not all of our emotional learning happens during early childhood, or with our parents for that matter (I'm thinking of later experiences like bullying, or racism / oppression, etc...that can impact older children -- or even adults). I just tend to focus on childhood because there is just SO much learning happening for kids (basically all they are doing is learning constantly!). And I also tend to focus on parents, because when we are young our parents impact us to profoundly...but again, so do other people / parts of our culture or the systems we are in. So I don't mean to imply that everything happens during some specific age range or anything like that... Hope that helps!
great chart!!
Thank you! Glad it was helpful!
Nice graphs! I don’t think mindfulness works for severely traumatized clients, especially for pre-verbal trauma. It has to be supported by neurophysiological concomitant processing of the emotions such as EFT tapping, EMDR and brainspotting.
It is true that it is very common for highly traumatized clients to need emotional regulation tools (or what I call 'differentiation work') to most effectively maintain a state of mindfulness. My favorite is actually 'unblending' from IFS. It allows people to both witness the difficult material without as much need for regulation / grounded techniques, which is kind of amazing...
Is there a way to download your "Circle of Thriving vs. Circle of Surviving" diagram?
That would be a good idea!! To put it up somewhere downloadable! If you want to reach out to me through my website, I can email it to you as well ;)
can we get out of the loop of surving without social help?
Hey Tori!
Would it be possible to download this as a PDF? I would love to frame it and have on my wall for daily reminder
For sure! I have your email, so I'll email you. But if I forget (not on the computer I could find the diagram right now), just email me a reminder in a day or two please! Thanks! :)
@@DrToriOlds May I please get a copy of that diagram too?
Any luck finding that diagram?
Death is peace and grace. Please catch me before this happens.
I am learning that most if not all of the experts in "healing" are trained in eastern religion (such as Stan Tatkin and Peter Levine) or believe in buddhism, hinduism, shamanism. This is disturbing since they dont openly share this belief system. Why do they all follow it yet never speak of it? Many current psychology experts spent time and training in Boulder CO where they taught or were taught by others at the eastern religion based Naropa Institute. I wonder why so many in the psychology world endorse the influences of eastern religion such as buddhism or what Stan Tatkin endorses, called Vipassana meditation. "Tatkin was a primary inpatient group therapist at the John Bradshaw Center, where among other things, he taught mindfulness to patients and staff. He was trained in vipassana meditation by Shinzen Young, PhD, and became an experienced facilitator. He was also trained by David Reynolds, PhD, in two Japanese forms of psychotherapy, Morita and Naikan. "
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My gratitude goes to the name mentioned above who helped me put a round-the-clock monitoring on my partner and I got concrete evidence of his escapades..if your spouse is an expert at hiding his cheating adventures You can also msg him We must put an end to all this emotional cheats
Thank you
You're welcome!
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My gratitude goes to the name mentioned above who helped me put a round-the-clock monitoring on my partner and I got concrete evidence of his escapades..if your spouse is an expert at hiding his cheating adventures You can also msg him We must put an end to all this emotional cheats