The Three Requirements of a Good Relationship
ฝัง
- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 12 ม.ค. 2021
- It can be hard to know what we really need from a relationship. But the task becomes much simpler if we keep in mind that every relationship requires just three crucial ingredients to work.
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“Many people, after they’ve been in a couple for some time, will privately admit that they are - in many ways - frustrated and disappointed by the person they’ve chosen to share their lives with. If pressed for details, they will have no difficulty coming up with a list: their partner, they might complain:..”
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“It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.” - Friedrich Nietzsche
Besides this,I think for some people it can be the other way round too : they can function very well as friends but maybe not as life-time lovers.
he's not wrong, but i wouldn't take relationship advice from Fredrch "how to get over a woman in 10 days" Nietzche
@@adudeontheinterweb6571 hehe well said
So true !!!
The precious truth
1. Kindness
2. Shared vulnerability
3. Empathy and Understanding.
@Charles Lewis you okay dude?
@Charles Lewis I believe you are out of correct in your understanding of grammar.
Does that sound correct to you? I've never heard "out of correct" in my life.
@@fellowfreak he probably had a stroke, let him rest
Thank you
@@fellowfreak Lol. I read that and my mind glitched.
“When you stop expecting people to be perfect, you can like them for who they are.”
Had to learn that the hard way but u b speakin straight fax 📠
I can't really accept this statement as it is. Once you get in a relationship of any kind with an individual you expect them to have a few specific traits. That's why you enter the relationship after all. The person provides you with what you want. Then you'll have to accept their "bad" traits.
Yep, & that also means sometimes you need to move on with acceptance.
Accept imperfections absolutely, but never use "nobody's perfect" as an excuse to accept abuse.
Indeed. But the moment of stopping your expectation towards others comes after you start to love yourself. So that’s the first step. Everything else will come...
Be you & love yourself! 💖
It's important to choose people who also consistently choose you. When someone is choosing you, they will put effort into the relationship and work to keep you in their life! If someone isn't choosing you, you'll feel like you're chasing them and trying to force things to work. Nobody is worth chasing for this reason. Always choose people who choose you!
So true. Took me 20 years to acknowledge this. I don't know why I was so stupid to think men who are harder to get are more 'worthwhile'. Thank god I realised how misguided I was and now I'm happily married.
@@marthas.4456 Happy for you! 😄
"Putting effort" is ambiguous. Both may put equal effort but on different fronts of the relationship, often leading one or both to think the other is not putting in any effort into the relationship. When we lack a deeper understanding of each other, it is bound to happen eventually.
I feel this way all the time. I’m tired of chasing and adjusting for someone who doesn’t choose to be with me
I'm doing my best to stay away from extremely difficult people in dating. I have so much I'm trying to do in life, it's like we are either gonna make the effort or iam gonna keep it moving.
People that are dissatisfied with themselves usually have difficulty finding fulfilling relationships. A relationship is just as reflective of you as it is of the other person.
Agreed
🤔 interesting comment..... sounds like I need a therapist 🙄
Simply put it i would agree, but you have people who are layered they will never even admit they are dissatisfied, constantly satisfied and constantly accumulating and grinding inside. This is where these meditation and silent retreats come from, to give you an illusion that helps people to stay satisfied and constantly positive. Well that does not change a shit how do you feel when suddenly you are pissed, it is just a nature of the beast. The best we can do is to recognize patterns and learn to dose, and to do that, other people should not have telling you what to do. But if you ask me, writing out can help, to see the patterns. What is really dissapointing that people do not recognize they are dissatisfied, they are not honest to themselves. We are all sick in one way or another with norms and regulations. This does not matter at the end. You live this life as you see it. So the only mantra i have, it is all changing as the moments go by, so appreciate what you have today, tomorrow you might be dead.
Not true
I disagree
"Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are."
- Will Ferrell
Theres nothing like reverting to dial up to bring out your inner most demons lol
Why is this so accurate lol
I guess no one would marry me. Once I almost broke my laptop cuz i hit it due to slow internet
Hahahha so him, genius
If that is the case, I'm gonna be single for the rest of my life. LMAO
One important lesson I learned from relationships is that you can save yourself a lot of heartache by loving someone for who they are in the present moment, not who they could be in the future. People rarely change.
This this this!
Your words " woke me up ". Thank you for the words, i know now he is not the one
If more people were humble and caring, they just might change, often for the better.
So just because they don't change, doesn't mean you can't hold out hope.
learned in my psych 101 class that happy couples 1. turn to each other as friends 2. respect and admire each other 3. compromise, let go of power sometimes
Been best of friends guarantees 💯❤️
Soon to be ex and did the exact opposite of this ad oddly enough it has been one of the most toxic relationships I have ever had
Hello beautiful😍
Yeah thats not how it works, but 1: having a huge dingdong and 2: look good and be rich, and finally 3: Treating her like a b1tch. Thats how relationships works.
They are rare that's weird psychology class
A relationship should add to your life.
A relationship shouldn't be your life.
If you have a family, a relationship IS and WILL BE in your life. It's a commitment, not a high school romance.
@@marthas.4456 but then it wouldn't comprise of just one relationship then you'll have multiple relationships in that dynamics like kids, parents, parents in laws, siblings , siblings in law. So many people so again one relationship won't be the entire life but a part of it. IMO.
Very well said
Narcissistic individualist comment.
@@marthas.4456 It's an important part of your life.
1. Being present as a couple and having quality time together while respecting each other boundaries
2. Acknowledging as often as possible the partner qualities & actions while being compassionate with each other failures
3. Celebrating successes & achievements together while being a kind listener for the heartaches.
This is all I want from a relationship!
That's awesome, It should be embroidered and put on the wall in every kitchen.
Thanks for putting this in words. It resonate with me too ! I am minimal in love but won't compromise the high quality of it! I need my a lone time and its healthy for both. It is not conventional or traditional but the whole world is changing why shouldn't we?!
Fantastic!!!!
Thank you for sharing your awesome thoughts:)
I'm in this kind of relationship now💗
Why does this TH-cam channel always post shit right at the moment I’m going through some thing? I feel this channel is watching me
Our promblems cant really get any different
LMFAO! I have to admit ive had that exact thought at times. Only i was grateful not irritated. But Thx u just made my morning. 😂
Right 😁
Same here. I guess we're not as different as we may think..
All going through the same sh*t
In my opinion this is a trick. Not the kind of that the channel is giving you the right videos and at the right time answers, more the kind of that you subconciously looking for help in your situation and then your brain get the idea: Ah that is what I need right now! Its the same with people we meet that "suddenly" people appear in the right moment even when they were already "existent". But all in all I could be also wrong and they (the school oflife) already implemented a chip in our head and wants to help the people. And honestly I dont mind at all. ;)
Basically, trade your Expectations for Appreciation
👏
Wow. This is so right
Well said.
What if your partner doesn't appreciate you...
I cant appreciate My girlfriend when i dont have a girlfriend.
“By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you will be happy. If you get a bad one, you will be a philosopher.” - Socrates
😂😂😂
Socrates is the goat
Don't need to share your life, if you don't like their habits, irritation causes frustration, impossible expectations, be kind , be affectionate, be honest🚩
Bro is stoned )
For Socrates to be a great philosopher then how bad was his wife?
Me, a single 15 year old: *interesting*
me, single 19 years old😎
If I had seen this at 15 , things would have been very different in the last 20 years
25 single: still intresting
same
@@dgw6448 same 😊
Living in alternative relationships helped me understand that I can never blend together to become one with my partner. We are two different people having a unique relationship, so instead of following someone else's rules, how about we talk and define our own rules?
Exactly
Nice
Monogamy is a white supremacist, patriarchal tradition anyways. Sex needs to be free and open, never exclusive.
@@noanyabizniz4333 🤣🤣🤣 are u kidding or what?! Tell me you're not that dumb.
exaxtly, we should never become a smoothie with another person
Remember: If you feel broken or empty inside, a relationship will never fix you. ☀️
EDIT: A relationship ALONE won't fix you, and chances are you will attract a person who will break you down further and exploit your feelings of emptiness, or the other way around.
Yep. But that doesn't mean you have to wait until you're ""fixed"" to be in a relationship. Those 3 things might help us to love more ourselves, our partners and grow together.
I disagree. A healthy one can.
@@christina4012 If you are unhealthy, can you have a healthy relationship?
@@renan8699 Yeah, but the problem is that if you’re broken you are less likely to go for the right partner, or to engage in healthy relationship behavior.
@@assreductionist8575 Yes, yes you can. As long as you recognize your unhealthy behaviors and work on it outside the relationship.
Kindness is incredibly important to me.
How does kindness make u happy.? 😊 and how do u see the future of your relationship?
A successful relationship and marriage is "people can find the common things between themselves and understand the contrasts" 🍀
For me personally I'd pick:
1. Respect for each other and for other people - I think if you respect each other you will be kind and be abke to get through differences
2. The ability to laugh with each other and make each other laugh - to me there is no life or love without laughter and fun
3. Listens and empathises - I think if you and your partner respect, listen and understand each other you will feel more able to open up about with your vulnerabilities as well 💜
❤
Absolutely.
But as out of the choir as it might seem, I think a dose of passion is necessary to keep the relationship up and running.
There’s no point in having a best friend we call “partner” while wanting to sleep with everyone else but them!
There is open relationships for that. Some people can absolutely love and be certain they want to live their entire life with someone and still want to have sex with others, maybe even only with others. The sexual agreement is unique, or should be, for each relationship. If it's good for them, then it's good. Sex and love are different things. We don't chose someone to be with us because of sex (even if sex may create deeper feelings), and it's sad that many relationships are thrown away because of it. Being free to express your own sexual identity is key for a relationship to work, but it does mean exactly the opposite of necessarily being in a strict and active sexual bond.
These traits are important for relationships and good friendships.
3:42 That sounds more like just a friendship, and if I wanted that kind of relationship I’d just have casual sex with my friends. That could work for some people but not everyone. What I love about a relationship is what makes it special: love and intimacy and a potential lifelong connection built on the foundation of a strong friendship. I don’t need to spend every second with my partner, we don’t have to like all the same things and we don’t have to have all the same friends. What I do expect is someone to share with, move through life with, and someone to spend time with on a level I don’t have with anyone else.
Yes, that's exactly what I think too. While undoubtedly close and genuine friendship is the foundation of a life-long relationship, I think some may be better as friends than how they function as life-long lovers.
@@acuriousbeing3122 Great point! That’s definitely true, not every good friend could make a good romantic partner. I just think in any good relationship your partner should also be one of your best friends.
I think you are interpreting this as if a relationship can work without ALL of these examples at the same time. They rather mean that a relationship can function without SOME of those examples.
@@marcblondin6016 You cant know whether they meant all or some unless you were apart of making the video. They don’t clarify whether they mean all of the examples at the same time or just individually. They may have left it open for interpretation on purpose. So because they left it open, I interpreted one thing and you interpreted another. But that doesn’t change the viewpoint I made in my interpretation.
@@maxiemus5 Based on your interpretation, you are right. However, this is a common theme on this channel and I have read some of Alain de Botton books (author of this channel) so I can say with a relatively high degree of confidence that they are not implying that everybody can live happily with someone they see once a month, share no friends and never have sex ;)
I’d say you’d have to add loyalty and honesty to the list, these qualities are the strong foundation a relationship is built off of (in my opinion)
Agreed. I prefer a close-knit team, where we know we’re very high priority for each other, not just one more pleasant person in life. And honesty is absolutely key.
Loyalty like she shouldn't bang the mailman that you might encounter everyday, keep that somewhere else
Yes my kitty has these 3 qualities you mentioned and our relationship is good. thank you :)
It is almost always the unrealistic expectations that tend to drive us crazy
Absolutely this. I was deluded... And so was she!
is it realistic to always be kind, understanding, and vulnerable in a relationship though?
@@joyyu7753 That depends on how important it is to you and how much you made it your character ;D
@@raycochrane3971 I corrected it, thanks
@@TheDhammaHub I don't believe people can be vulnerable all the time, that's why most people act like they're ok when they're not.
I do agree with this. All the men i have been in relationships with that had very different occupations from me were great relationships, because they were kind and loving. One time i met a guy who did exactly the same as me and we seemed to be fitting perfectly together. But it didn't work, because the emotional connection wasn't there entirely. The only thing i would add to the list you guys made is (at least for me) a similar willingness to sacrifice/ do things for the other. Too often there is one person who does everything to please their partner while the other doesn't really acknowledge it. A good relationship is a balance. Maybe this plays into kindness
I definitely agree with that last one. In my last relationship, for the first two years we both were equally there for eachother but last year, I felt, like I was supposed to do at least the major part. I mean, there was still a lot of things that I liked, like surprising her with breakfast in bed every couple days. Or waiting at the station, when she's taking the train home. Basically all those "being there for someone and being appreciated for it"-stuff. But when I had learn for my exams from 7am to 8pm every day for a couple of weeks during the quarantine and she thought, just because I'm at home, I might as well be in charge of cleaning, cooking, grocery shopping etc., that kind of hurt. End of the story, she left me for someone +10yrs older. No discussion, nothing, just a bunch of fake reasons, that would change constantly.
Watch and LISTEN TO the video again!
Once there's no balance that's not a relationship worth investing on, you're being played (at least for me) , I feel like people should respect individualities in a relationship I'm not a fan of many compromises because I have a very demanding schedule I both study and work, on top of that have responsibilities at said areas so if I start compromising I'm ruining my future if someone is not willing to meet me at the middle I don't see the point, last time I sacrificed my time for a relationship things didn't go well for me at school I'm never making the same mistakes
@@moonie5836 well it was great having someone be as passionate about the same things. So that itself wasn't the issue. The issue was the emotional connection not being there. It was always me who had to do everything and he wasn't a bad person, but he did enjoy a lot that it was me who always took care of him and made compromises. Every time i would say it's too much, he'd begged me to stay and knew exactly what to say. But he has never changed and now today i can safely say that it wasn't healthy for me. But yeah the Problem wasn't us being in the same.professional branch
@@rileybx2236 but saying meeting in the middle that is a compromise and for some even a sacrifice. If you expect the other person to bend to your will and schedule perfectly, you won't have a lasting relationship. You know it's not a question of time, but of willingness. I've had relationships where we'd see each other only one night a week because we were busy, but it worked for that period of time. Even when people are super busy you can make compromises
Yes I'm single and still watching this!!👀
👀
Same here
Better to learn how to be in one before you get into one. Do things right
You'll know what to do when you actually get into a relationship
Lucky u
Kindness and Empathy are the main qualities I’m looking for in a person. Unfortunately, the vast majority of men I’ve dated have lacked these qualities. A considerable amount have been narcissistic. Kindness is a rare quality these days. I’ve figured out I can’t be with someone who isn’t kind. A good kind man is like a rare diamond.
Maybe you're looking in the wrong areas... men are good, just if you're looking for 6 ft beauties it's gonna ba a much smaller pool
Keep looking, it’s better to be on your own than live with an unkind person.
Hi Ladytea. Your profile pops up in my feed and decided to check it out and found it interesting. If you don’t mind, may i keep your company ?
@@fluffy6299AJHi Katyln. Your profile pops up in my feed and decided to check it out and found it interesting. If you don’t mind, may i keep your company ?
This describes my best friendships. My best friends I’ve been with for ten years. We are women who support each other, help each other grow - with kindness, understanding, and yes sharing each other’s vulnerability.
With regards to romantic partners, it is hard work to unlearn the idealized perfect romantic relationship. But work that needs to be done, nonetheless.
Thats sounding like some Thing humans would Day.
Would SAY.
does that mean being in relationships without physical loving?
@@anderstermansen130 humans?
I would say you need exactly the same qualities with your partner as with your friends. Understanding is the key to lasting love.
False. These are the foundation of ANY good relationship, not couple. I have this is all my best friendships, so How couple differenciate from any other relationship? Sex? Common projects? Engagement? This is where it starts to become complicated and that your oversimplified view falls short of answers...
as I watch this video,
what arises in me,
is longing and desire...
and an immense and intense
ache inside my soul...
I pray magical blessings
in the lives of myself
and my true love (whom I am yet to meet).
may him and I, both experience magical transformation
and new levels of enlightenment and bliss...
and may that lead us to each other, very-very soon!
and may you, as well, beloved reader, be blessed, too...
My priest always said: Do things without expecting anything in return. Because when you love someone, you do it because you love them and not because you expect something in return from them.
So true. As soon as you start keeping track of who’s done more things for the other person it becomes pretty toxic
@@arn6083 you should be aware of how much effort someone is putting in though. Thats a big indicator of how good of a fit they are for you. It shouldn’t be onesided.
Do things with love ...not for love
While it’s not healthy to keep a chart of what they do for you and what you’ve done for them... It’s natural and rightful to expect effort in return in a relationship. Relationship love and partnership is not one sided caring like the way one would care for their child. If you don’t watch out for your own needs and emphasize a situation where they can be met, you’ll be running bankrupt on your own emotions and become bitter because few good people will give you what you deserve. Having a balance is key I think.
Maybe he was getting a little something something,
For me, and I think for most men, It is sometimes hard to share their vulnerabilities or insecurities. But it is surely an important part of the relationship and the bond between significant duo.
Agree totally!
Yeah it's imperative but rarely looked for in a man
I realized we broke up because at the end we lack of those 3 traits:
1. Kindness
2. Shared vulnerability
3. Empathy and Understanding...
communication is so much more important than any of these points!!!
Me and my gf have been together for a year officially but have known each other since we were teenagers. From my experience, our relationship works because those 3 factors are not only important but also cherished between us. We don't need words to communicate at times and yet we perfectly understand each other. We are not afraid to admit our vulnerabilities to each other and most importantly, we don't need to keep any appearances to each other. And I have never been this happy since.
That's lovely. Well said
You forgot RESPECT & SUPPORT. Nothing is more important than respecting your partner and supporting them at difficult times
"...we might not even ask each other too many questions about each other's sex life". I think a lot of people would have a hard time being fully vulnerable in a relationship, knowing that any given night the other person might be with someone else.
Yes... That bit ruined what was looking like a very helpful video. IMO that's🤮. 👍🏻
Indeed. Alain de Botton despises romanticism and apparently advocates 'open' relationships. His version of love seems cold and distant.
I wonder who his wife is with right now? Presumably, he doesn't care.
@@janb5177 70 % of people in relationships cheat at some point 20 % of marriages end in infidelity. People have had agreements in the past in relationships, or dont ask dont tell policies. There isn't one correct way of doing things
@@ryanyoung5259 If a couple go into marriage with such an agreement in place, that's fine. The vast majority of people don't.
Alain de Botton wants the 18th century aristocratic way of marriage applied to everyone today. Make a practical choice of partner and then turn a blind eye if/when they sleep with other people. Most people can't live like that, and that is not because of airy-fairy 'romanticism' but because sex is a big part of what binds a couple together and that bond is severely damaged, even broken, by infidelity.
@@ryanyoung5259 70% includes looking at Playboy magazines as cheating. It’s more like from 4% to 26% marrieds have affairs.
Expectation is the root cause ... being selfless can do wonders to our life. After losing my father 14 years ago, somehow I got to know that people don't care who you are until you matter to them. People, relatives pass by, only the only who gave birth to you really care, stood by times. Earn for your loved ones, make others smile, helping the needy some or other way lessens the karmic burden, stoicism is best .. open up yourself to one who really care about you, others only gossip about.
It is harder to find someone willing to be in a relationship with you in the first place, keeping it together is just a question of commitment and maturity
We say that now while we are young but when we grow old, will we think the same? Personally, I don't know. Right now, finding someone mostly is about a game of chance, a constant trial and error you can influence but never truly control. But when I think about the future, about what it really means to commit to someone for a long time - that never seems simple. Meeting someone is easy. Sure, you need luck but when the chemistry is right aso. it can be almost effortless. Staying together however - I know few folks that do that in my age for more than usually 2 years.
@@Arcaryon you're right and I agree with you. But as you pointed out, the element needed to maintain a relationship is you own effort, whereas to be in a relationship you need luck. For staying in a relationship, your success depends on your own actions (and the context) while for the finding one, the success is partially based on luck.
My point is, I'm not saying that keeping together a relationship is easy, quite the contrary. But finding a relationship Is way harder because there are elements of luck that are not within your reach and that, no matter how hard you try, you cannot change.
@@Arcaryon thats because those whos relationship begins effortlessly tend to be of thr opinion it will/should always be that way. When in fact just like every other area of our lives it takes work to maintain and sustain a good relationship. You basically get out of it what you put into it.
@@3DJMV3 Agreed.
The problem with that ideology is that if you find yourself in a bad relationship you then feel like it is easier or better to stay in that relationship than find someone new who will actually make you happy.
In my experience, more than 90% of all relationships are bad in some way, and made much worse due to overcommitment and over-settling. Don’t over settle. Its your life, spend it with someone that actually makes you happy.
I struggle to agree with what you said about being comfortable with your partner having sexual thoughts about others and having sex with others when you're not together. I don't care if we have mutual kindness, shared vulnerability and understanding. If he's emotionally and physically cheating on me then I don't want him and am happy to be single forever lol. Another expectation should be loyalty. Loyalty and trust is everything, I know it's true for me and many others. If the guy I'm with can't be loyal then we can't be together.
Totally agree. Well said ! It's one thing to have ideas and thoughts about other people, it's another to act on them.
Agree 👍💯
You don' t always know what' s going on in someones mind, I get whaf you are saying but expecting someone to not emotionally cheat is to much, we are all human, everyone looks, I notice other attractive men and women and can appreciate their beauty and everyone has fantasizes this is only normal, it dosen' t mean you will act on them.
Would you follow the same when being in a LDR?
I would say that it is only human nature to still find other people attractive. I think it would be unfair to expect your partner to pretend that they don't find X celebrity hot or like the way that a stranger looks as they pass by.
I think what makes cheating cheating isn't so much the act of sexual engagment with others. I believe that it is doing so without any regard to the emotional contract that you have agreed to with your S.O. Or otherwise, acting in a sexual manner that may harmful when not done so under a careful and well commucated arrangement with your S.O.
For example, assuming that it's okay to have sexual interacitons with someone while in a serious relationship is wrong, imo. And so is having an affair under the promise of monogamy. What I think this video is saying is that the idea of polyamoury or discussions around open relationships, maybe the key for to a good relationship for some people. But being sexually reckless while in a relationship is problematic, selfish, and cruel in my opinion.
But ultimately, it al depends on the relationship.
I disagree with this utter dismissal of common interests. A lifetime is a long time to spend with someone you don't share any interest with. I think it's equally important to have reasons to enjoy the time spent together which necessarily implies having or being able to build common interests. To me those similarities deserve to make it to the shortlist.
I guess in my head i grouped this kind of thing with the "understanding pillar" - in my mind people who can understand each other will share common interests or goals, if that's of enough importance to the people (as it is to me). There are also some relationships in which individuals are totally happy to have a less heavy overlap in interests, activities and goals. :)
I dated a wonderful person for 7 years and ultimately the demise was that we just didn't enjoy doing the same things. When spending time together one of us always felt like we were compromising in order to do something the other wanted. It was a very unsatisfying and unfulfilling way to share experiences. I agree that common interests is often overlooked in what makes a relationship work. It isn't everything but it is very important!
I think you're missing the point. You technically do just need the 3 pillars because other things will fall into place. Assuming the two love each other: when they meet up, they will enjoy doing anything they don't already mind with each other. The reason they met up in the first place is because they simply enjoy each other's company. You can do activities that solely involve each other's company, like walking, driving around, or eating out/in together, essentially just spending time together - the point is the company. Additionally, the fewer interests each person shares, or the more contrasts there are, perhaps the more individualized the relationship will be. The relationship might not be tight enough to be ready for something as committal as marriage, just yet. Nonetheless, the love is there, and on a simple, basic level with lots of abstracted details, complications, and overthinking, despite their differences - people can be in love. They'll make it work as a happy couple, as long as they have the 3 pillars: kindness, expressing vulnerability, and understanding.
I think the point is that your relationship can’t be built on common interests. I always thought they were and my husband and I oddly enough met at game day at the library. But due to COVID 19 those events got canceled and many other activities that we liked did as well. But since we had the three traits we were able to find more common interests. My husband liked watching adult cartoons but I felt like most of them were too dirty or gory. So I settled on “Bob’s burgers because their was nothing that really bothered me in that show. So I think that is what they mean that you don’t have to have the same common interests because interests could change or circumstances could change.
Yeah, these videos tend to exaggerate stuff a little too much. Sound almost bullshit sometimes
Couldn't explain everyone why I wanted a divorce, but this video nails it. All three points missing completely in our relationship.
I hope you are doing well now, have a nice day :D
I think it can be boiled down to 2 (based on this video): Understanding and being understanding. Because you use 'kindness' to be open and 'vulnerable' and also to be 'understanding' (empathetic). And then it would helpful to literally 'understand' the other person. I would actually add a third, however, and that would be a 'common goal' as small or big as you like, but usually when there is no goal or it has finished, interest goes quickly after.
Common goal is absolutely important
I've recently discovered that I'm aromantic and this type of partnership is ideal for me. I've been trying to force myself in the "normal marriage" box for a decade now, and it always ends up with my partners trying to "fix me." I really needed to see this. It helps me feel less broken.
I figured this out before realizing I was aro. I just wanted a "life partner". She's a romantic type, but that's no different in my mind from any other hobby a friend might have. I care for her, just not romantic feelings.
One issue is some people hold grudges and don’t know how to forgive and move on.
No relationship is perfect. I think you should solve the problem before you go to bed and what you did to get her is how you going to keep her. Don’t lose the romance keep going on dates
When you both mutually understand and value these things, everything feels good together, even bad days.
In order to be successful in any relationship, one needs to have a good relationship with themselves.
Understanding each other is key. Communication is the way to go.
The message of this video can be summarized in one word : respect.
I can respect you without being vulnerable with you
Video
Show my text
All relationships starts with acceptance and it is connected together by longing for each other, connection and compromise
For me personally I agree with everything except for two things:
1. Personally for me, I don't care if you think sexually of others, but I set the boundary of that person having sex with someone else if we're together.
2. I feel as if this list is in and of itself, although again I might agree, is a bit idealistic. As in it assumes things although I do hope that anyone in any relationship has a life outside with their own set of friends and hobbies because otherwise the relationship can definitely become very toxic. And in terms of if I can't have that then I would rather be happily single 🙈
Sexual boundaries are important and should be discussed in the advent of relationship, and monogamy is one for me.
Agreed. This channel seems to like normalising the idea of allowing sex with people outside of the core relationship: "[the expectation of]... only ever having sex with, and only ever having sexual thoughts about each other". Having thoughts is one thing. But I'd take a wild guess here and say 95% of people want a sexually monogamous relationship. In a small percentage of relationships, having sex with other people might work for them. But for most people it's usually a recipe to complicate matters, raise the risk of STDs and makes it more likely the relationship will end. Speaking from experience.
@@sushimamba4281 - I just wanted to write a similar comment. Being faithful is a kind of (very important) loyalty. If I would cheat on my husband, he would be very hurt. I would feel same if he would sleep with an other woman. And who doesn't mind to hurt their significant other? Only those who don't really care about their partner.
@@sushimamba4281 I think you miss the point. 95% of people might want a monogamous relationship, but only 50% can actually do it. And that is the point, knowing your own limitations and understanding the limitations of others. That's what this video is saying. Too many people have 'expectations' of what a relationship or partner should be, without actually understanding their own limitations and imperfections first
@@zeus-ow8li cheating is not a limitation of yourself or your partner. There is absolutely no excuse for it. A partner or relationship that has cheating involved in either party and calling it wrong is absolutely an expectation, not the inverse. You cheat? (Not trying to single you out just doing it for sentence fluency) Well you’re some of the most disgusting humans on earth and you don’t deserve a relationship so congratulations on that one. Cheating is never just a mistake.
"expectations lead to resentments"
These videos saved my life a little while ago. Thanks you
If all I wanted was to be seen, understood and sympathized with, I'd prefer being with a friend not a boyfriend /girlfriend. A romantic partner should be much more than that. This is literally the bare minimum.
I AGREE!
He's in short saying that your boyfriend/girlfriend should be a very good friend, if not your best friend, in your life. That friendship is the foundation for a great romantic relationship. Lots and lots of people end up in romantic relationships where they don't treat each other like friends. Yes, they do all the romantic things, they live a relationship that follows all the "rules" we expect of a relationship. But they're not friends. And those are the relationships that end up being miserable and toxic. A great example of this is found in the show "Mad Men," where Don Draper, the "perfect" husband, has the "perfect" marriage with Betty, the "perfect" wife. Everyone around them assumes they're "perfect" and happy. So on the surface they look like they have it all. But scratch a little deeper and they're extremely miserable with each other. And that has mostly to do with Don not being a good friend to Betty and vice versa.
Cute cat
I agree and want to add... Being friends first, honesty, and communication.
And you did it again: Helping save our relationship with your tremendous wisdom and kindness. I am truly greatful!
Sound worried
Its all about accepting each other differences and respect them , as long as the other partner is always trying to make things work🌸💕
I know its not the same for everyone, but for me the moment you take out sex from the equation its just an amazing friendship. Me personnaly, i cant be totally happy in a romantic relationship with just these three.
The fact that i am in a long distance relationship and suffering even tho i am with the love of my life just proves it. We have all 3.
Really. Then you should be in a sexual relationship
Thank you 🙏🏼 this really helped! I've been wondering if I was on the right path. Those points are, and have always been my focus in my love life. Now, I'm married and feel a true connection with my wife.
Asking questions about your partner's sexuality is caring for yourself too.
@Kendl erm your sexual health? It confirms whether or not you're with the right person? If your partner is out there cheating you can get serious diseases which definitely CONCERNS you. Promiscuity is the reason behind all these stds. You can prevent making a huge mistake by being with someone who doesn't care about you. It can save you A LOT of trouble if you just know what that person is doing behind your back. As a person who's experienced this I can tell you that finding a partner who's willing to be sexually and romantically involved with you and you only is VERY VERY VERY HELPFUL. If you get the opposite well... You get psychological trauma, stds, you end up making huge irreversible choices with that person and they end up fucking up your life. Things like faithfulness are very important in a relationship FOR A REASON
I have all 3 and more (plenty of mental connection, and understanding), but I still get frustrated because I feel I have to push for every.single.thing related to a future together. Like someone else said: I might as well keep him as a friend (with benefits for now) and go find someone to share a future with (someone who really wants it)...
Thank you, I needed this as my mind has anxiously been picking apart my relationship for stupid things, and it’s all clearly rooted in my expectations! Your videos are always the perfect reminder
Hello beautiful
I love how strong and cheeky the visualization is, its all so good
"1. Kindness
2. Shared vulnerability
3. Empathy and Understanding."
Yes, but it starts inwards. Get to know yourself so you become true and honest and understanding and kind to yourself so you do not seek missing part to patch and you share with joy your moments with someone. Definition of good relationship is relative term and i add usually to finalize: "There is no better one to change in order to consume after, it is just different, so i might as well stick with one i have now". Other person is, has been, will be a mirror of your imperfection, and it would be quite silly to strive to become one perfect, which does not exist and it is irrelevant. Sticking to same way of introspecting is very important, it ultimately boils down to principles to go inwards first, talk to yourself, be conscious what you say is what you do, we call them Tolteques nowadays :) Being able to compare when you are in the same situation or dilemma it is an art, it is a life time worth activity :)
And it really baffles, poetry, romantic movies, Tinder and other superficial tools which have become the pillar of our understanding of the relationship. Women would like men to be kind, well that is same question to them? And kind in what, action, words, reproach or even stating hypocrisy? Well movies and poetry and other tools show you, how the projection of the world could look like, it does not change though anything in our lives unless we start to deep dive in ourselves to understand our reason for longing being loved. So we end up all traumatised which matches the narrative in the video, we have been projected from manipulators perspective, we did not know, that it can harm us later. But we are stuck, we share the same story which repeats. Kind in that maybe? Sharing story that we are traumatised and over edge, because it is not that simple to find one good and kind. To make matters even more confusing, the principle of inverse statement to want someone kind: "You are too good for me". What does it even mean?
‘You are too good to me.’ It could be a perception of what kindness mean to a person without realizing what kindness means. Sometimes people used through people who will not respect others for various reasons yet did not respect the boundaries within the schools.
To continue reducing complexity... For starters, I would reduce this list to the two items: 1) empathy and 2) honesty.
Ad 1. Empathy includes acceptance (this is how Alain describes "kindness") and curiosity (this is how Alain describes "understanding").
Ad 2. Honesty includes being yourself, authentic (this is how Alain describes "shared vulnerability").
So from three positions you get two.
These two elements are part of the NVC model of building understanding between people, so I would eventually add the rest of them, or at least 3) the elimination of contact blocks (judgement, generalizations, beliefs, etc.).
I think you are misunderstanding those concepts. Empathy usually comes after some emotional reaction or as a thought of how someone may feel after something. Kindess is a guide to all relations, and is bigger than empathic moments. Also, honesty can be quite unkind. And you can be honest without letting the other to be vulnerable or without letting them to see your own vulnerability. Also, it's difficult to be always honest, because we trick ourselves very often into thinking we want certain things or even get confused about how we feel about something. So it's always best to strive to shared vulnerability than for honesty, because honesty will come naturally after it, but the other way around is not so true.
So, with kindness, shared vulnerability and understanding, both keep themselves open to the other one and their feelings, and also feel a real connection, with acceptance and trust. That thought alone already gives a peaceful feeling that only "empathy + honesty" don't.
I love the scripts of this channel's videos. And the voice is so calming.
I just sent this to my boyfriend, along with my older siblings who are in relationships that could use this advice. Helps to be reminded how simple it is. We really complicate it.
this channel is spying on me.
department of fine arts and human behaviour, FBI
Shared vulnerability is a good one - it's related to trust and respect. Creating lifelong love requires commitment, even when things aren't going so well.
Hello that's true, nice to meet you
Dude, have at least some standards, love is not a booty call...
Up, up, up with this comment!
This is even less than a booty call since "you don't need to see each other or even know about each other's sex lifes"
To each their own...
i think this video wasn't specifically targeted towards couples but relationships in general i.e friendships
I was going to share this lovely video with my gf, but when I saw that it ended with an ad on "stay or leave". I'd rather not give her the thought of that option.
To be sympathised with.
Seen and understood.❤💜 this channel has brought so much perspective into my life than all my psychology classes!! Thank you
We all want to be sympathized with, seen and understood especially by our chosen person. Beautiful analysis
I have been suspecting my girlfriend has been doing something with another man , and so after taking a service from SOLUTIONCOMPLAINT on Instagram truely you are God sent. ...my thoughts were turned out to be true.Thanks so much for that proof..
Literally such an important video on relationships. I've been thinking about breaking up with my partner and this really made me aware of what I'm missing in my relationship.
When I'm looking at my relationships with my closest friends, those are all the things I really value in those relationships
If people had same expectations of their signficant other as say one of their best friends, it'd be a lot easier
For now it's still only_If_ but we will probably be in that position in a few decades.
Maybe we will even live to see it happen. After all, a lot of this is just biology and will be influenced by progress in science even faster as time passes.
I mean....yes...but also you want to be attracted to the person that you are with.
Youre a very wise person
So true. I noticed how different I am with people I’m close with and people I’m friends with.
....Not really, that’s kinda what distinguishes the position of being significant other as opposed to just being one of their best friends lol. For example, I expect my best friend to date who she wants, but I’d expect my significant other to only date me since I’m not into open relationships.
Its the first time i am watching on time of this video released, i am here to say my gratitude for u school of life, coz u guys makes my life get better and get rid of my worries of anxiety🙏thank 😊
Hi Sonia. Your profile pops up in my feed and decided to check it out and found it interesting. If you don’t mind, may i keep your company ?
I don't get why people think being in the friend zone is a bad thing. If I'm interested in a person, I try to befriend them first. Try to see what she really is and who she really is.Thus, making my motto, "Physical appearance attracts people, but their personalities are what binds them together."
Ok, but what if they say that they aren't going to date you and they're going to see other people, while being friends with you?
@@makingsense7914 you can wait a little but not too long. See where it goes if he/she did not see the good qualities in you and your ability to be vulnerable, kind and understanding then you have the option to leave and search somewhere else where you will be properly reciprocated.
I love this! A lot of people don't understand where I come from when I say that what I expect from marriage is companionship and happiness, not having someone be perfect for me 100% of the time and in all aspects of life: as a friend, a lover, a housemate, a parent, an adventure companion, and someone who I find fascinating and agree with all the time. Like, it's cool if they are, but that's not the main reason at all!
Loyalty should have been in the list. No person is perfect, but if they own up to their mistakes and put the effort to salvage the relationship it shows how much they care :)
Y’all have consistently hopeful things to say about relationships. Thank you for the encouraging words.
Beautiful video. For me this is an important reminder also for friendships!!
Shared vulnerabilities are the toughest ones, I believe. Kindness should be a given. And understanding is the basis of any relationship. However, shared vulnerability is something that is so hard to maintain and keep equal. Checking in with each other and keeping your vulnerabilities open is a weighted measure that can easily feel heavy. I want my partner to be vulnerable but the second I don't feel that they are, then I have to make sure I don't pull back in order to keep that door open for them.
In my experience my friendships have been my best relationships
Tell each other your deepest darkest secret that makes you believe that no one could ever love you if they knew that secret. My wife and I did this after about 7 years together and we have never been stronger and it combines all 3 of these requirements.
This is one of the best videos on the topic ❤👏🏼
Stepping across the “expectations”word together to get to each other was my favorite part of the video.
1:44 - love this bit, I agree those things can be good but it is too much and definitely can feel like a burden of expectation!
From a male perspective, I'd add 2 more 'requirements': 4, Appreciation/respect' - for our skills and capabilities; and 5. affection/attraction - the kind of 'chemistry' which is either there...or not...and is hard to will into being
Not only male perspective. My husband and I over the years have identified respect to be a highly valued trait going both ways and it trickles into many other aspects. Great one of you to highlight! I've not seen anyone else mention it.
Also from a female perspective
Agreed - not my favourite video from this channel, personally speaking.
May I ask you, Steve, as a man, do you have any particular feelings towards the mentioning of fidelity as being an "unreasonable expectation"? As I vehemently disagreed with that and find it awfully unsettling.
@@craigr4763 did the video say fidelity or just explain that a partner isn't going to experience attraction outside of the relationship?
School of Life is truly the best channel on TH-cam.💯
try Menis Yousri
This video has made me incredibly happy to have the burden of expectation lifted.
Very clear and higjly instructive talk...I listen to this reguarlily in order to remember and stay calm about the fact, that my partner is afraid of commitment....trusting he might relax knowing we are both free to do what we want !!❤
Am watching just incase that special someone comes into my life
Smart!!! :)
I could add Respect too
if you are kind, you will respect too..
well if you have the three I think you are by default respectful
@Wei Li agree completely
Perfect Concept:
Kind, vulnerable and understanding!
I love how realistic this is. Thank you. And I love the graphs and pics depicting same-sex couples.
This video seems more applicable to platonic friendships than romantic ones mainly bcoz it says nothing about sexual attraction or compatibility.
There is a comment above that says most romantic relationships fail because there is no friendship. Sexual attraction is mostly a derivation of the beauty we perceive but sadly beauty fades - will you leave your partner because you no longer find them beautiful and attractive? Compatibility ties to the notion that you need to enjoy the same interests, have the same outlook, feel more familiar to the kind of love you were raised with and the sort. If only people were attracted to people based on things that time doesn't chip away at like beauty and wealth but instead kindness, understanding and empathy then most people would be successful. Our love maps are complicated and it is up to you to figure it out.
Remember: This is just my opinion and not a fact.
These 3 are essential and true, as I've learned many years later! Also, adoration is a must. If you love but not adore the other... and it's doomed.
Hello
Hello beautiful😍
Thanks for this! Reassuring and much needed. One of my fav videos to date.
This is truly perfect, I’ve this experience and I say that it works!
I love this video, but I disagree with the last part. I think the three requirements based on my experience are kindness, vulnerability, and COMMITMENT. I don't have to understand everything that my partner does, nor does he have to, because if we both had to, there are some things we might never make sense of. Still, we are committed to each other, no matter how confusing things might get.
I agree, making the conscious choice to be with this person and stay committed is definitely a requirement. I think the understanding is to an extent, that your partner feels understood and validated for the most part, and still loved in the areas you may not understand them.