com het is the reason why a lot of people have this aunt who "never found love" and "lives with her lifelong roommate Susan". Sure Karen, they're roommates
"Pride is the opposite of shame" EXACTLY. And that's why "straight pride" makes no sense, because there's never been any kind of shame about being straight. Also, such an important video thank you *-*
I've always had kind of mixed feeling about that idea. I'll never forget once when I about 10 or 11. I off handedly mentioned my being Jewish to one of my teachers. For whatever reason I said that it was no big deal and she said "It is a big deal. You should be proud of who you are." I had literally no idea what the heck she was talking about. Because as far as I was concerned me being Jewish as about as relevant as me having black hair. It wasn't something I had anything to do with so why should it make me proud? For the longest time I really believed you can only be proud or ashamed of what you did. Not something you were born into or grew into through no control of your own. I've come to the conclusion that if we aren't made to feel ashamed what we are, we have little need to proclaim our pride. I hadn't experience anti-Semitism at that age, so I didn't feel the need to take something that was treated as a point of shame and reclaim it. That's what all those chanting "straight pride" just don't get. People don't want to proclaim their sexuality just to get attention. They want to uphold there self-worth in a world that brings them down because of their sexuality.
@@magicvortex Good question. I thought about it, and yes. You can take pride only in things you took shame before. It puts things into perspective, doesn't it? Whenever your parents said "son/daughter, I am proud of you", it basically mean, that they felt ashamed for being your parents before.
Within the lesbian experience, comphet can work to convince women that they can't be women without attraction to men. Despite always being comfortable being gay, I identified as bi/pan for all of my teen years, despite being repulsed and uninterested by the idea of relationships, sex, or intimacy with men. My hardest coming out process was saying I am a LESBIAN, and being assertive about my lack of attraction to men. I felt as though any emotion I experienced regarding men that wasn't active disgust was evidence that I couldn't be a lesbian. I felt that liking artists who were men meant I couldn't be a lesbian. And before I admitted to myself that I wasn't attracted to men, that I didn't want to have relationships with them, I was in a very complicated place with my gender identity. I didn't know why womanhood felt like it was being forced down my throat. That is, until I connected that feeling with how much womanhood is attached to attraction to men. When I accepted my Lesbiansm, I became comfortable knowing I was a woman, because I was redefining womanhood on my own terms and applying it to my lived experience.
I had never considered that I might have been fed the idea that my womanhood was attached to attraction to men 😳 this video and everything everyone’s sharing is truly rocking my foundations right now. Gonna read the infamous Am I a Lesbian doc as soon as I finish reading these. Thank you for sharing!
Thought this was a very well articulated and interesting video. I remember having a conversation with a heterosexual friend where she said "I'm straight and I have sat with myself and allowed myself to think what if I'm not, and that it's okay to be otherwise but I concluded that I'm straight." And I remember being really oddly comforted by that as it felt good to hear a heterosexual person even properly address the possibility that they might not be straight/might just be a victim of compulsory heterosexuality. Also had only heard of heternormativity before and not compulsory heterosexuality, so very glad to have a new word that sums up perfectly how I feel about the sexuality issues in society, even if its hard to say!!
*My main problem with the rainbow argument is that every single reason they give to try and justify it can be used for every other sexual scenario too.* *Two consenting adults: Adultery is between two consenting adults.* *It's found in the animal kingdom: Pee...dough...feel ya and rayp are also found in the animal kingdom.* *It's not a choice: Neck...row.. feel...ya is a men-tall diz-order therefore not a choice* *It can be safe if you use protection: N...sest can be "safe" if you use protection* *Love is love no matter who it's for: So if you want to love someone's lover, it's all good?*
This reminds me of a quote from the play Spring Awakening: "Shame is nothing but education". We aren't born to feel shame about things, it's drilled into us by a heteronormative system
i'm an aromantic bisexual and holy shit did comphet ruin my life - it affects so much more than most folks think and i'm so glad you're shedding some light on the subject. amazing video hannah!
hi dear! recently I’m trying to see if the “aromantic bisexual” label “fits” me because I can’t quite differentiate between romantic and platonic attractions, but I don’t know of anyone who experiences the same thing. So if you don’t mind (and truly, truly, no pressure) may I ask how you come to choose that label?
Buffie Nguyễn hi there! i really feel you on the romantic/platonic feelings struggle, it took me absolutely ages to figure it out and i still have issues with it. i would say that i chose these labels because after serious hindsight i've personally never felt any real romantic attraction to anyone and i can't ever really see myself dating - i just want to be able to be physically affectionate to my friends. one thing i realised at school actually is that everyone else had crushes but i just wanted to be friends with people, but i pretended like i had crushes just to fit in, and that actually screwed a few friendships :( the bisexual part is just that i do have sexual attraction to people of many genders but i don't want the romantic attachment that many people think should go along with sex and physical intimacy. i really hope this helps - i just want to say too that everyone experiences things differently and even if my experiences don't match with yours it doesn't mean that you should count it out :)
trxnxti Thank you so much for sharing, i can relate to a lot of what you said there. I’m in no rush to label, but it’s definitely nice to hear that I’m not alone :)
*My main problem with the rainbow argument is that every single reason they give to try and justify it can be used for every other sexual scenario too.* *Two consenting adults: Adultery is between two consenting adults.* *It's found in the animal kingdom: Pee...dough...feel ya and rayp are also found in the animal kingdom.* *It's not a choice: Neck...row.. feel...ya is a men-tall diz-order therefore not a choice* *It can be safe if you use protection: N...sest can be "safe" if you use protection* *Love is love no matter who it's for: So if you want to love someone's lover, it's all good?*
During this quarantine period, I finally acknowledged to myself, friends, and my long term male partner that I'm bi. Nothing changes. But I feel empowered and happy to know a little bit more about myself. It's great to feel comfy in your own shoes.
The same thing happened to me! Funny thing was my partner knew and made jokes about it way before I even acknowledged it to myself. Now looking back it's all so obvious. Talk about comp-het!
I'm glad you can be out and proud now! I'm also bi and in a long term relationship with a male partner and he knew from the very start I wasn't straight. It really helps with communicating fantasies and desires and being able to openly discuss a lot of things like that
*My main problem with the rainbow argument is that every single reason they give to try and justify it can be used for every other sexual scenario too.* *Two consenting adults: Adultery is between two consenting adults.* *It's found in the animal kingdom: Pee...dough...feel ya and rayp are also found in the animal kingdom.* *It's not a choice: Neck...row.. feel...ya is a men-tall diz-order therefore not a choice* *It can be safe if you use protection: N...sest can be "safe" if you use protection* *Love is love no matter who it's for: So if you want to love someone's lover, it's all good?*
I experienced this. When I first found out about asexuality, I thought of course I'm not ace, I like guys. I knew I wasn't a lesbian or bi or pan, etc because I didn't like girls, but it took me a while to realize that I also didn't like guys and that that was even an option. Thanks for the video!
I thought that I wasn't ace because I wanted to date girls (this was after I realized I liked girls). I thought that I couldn't be ace because I like girls. Then I learned about the difference between romantic and sexual attraction and realized that I never saw anyone in a sexual way.
It's taken me over the past year or so, and only since the start of this year to let people know about identifying as Ace, and even more recently a panromantic ace. It confuses a lot of people, myself included, but my new colleauges/friends simply just got it. They asked questions, made themselves aware and that's that. Parts of my family is a different story though. 😑
I also relate to this. I appear to be what is now called demisexual. I don't like guys, I like guy. Just that one. I don't like sex in general, I only like it (but I very much like it) with him. "Him" has not always been the same person for my whole life, though. And once it was "her." Having previously assumed I was just a straight woman with a low sex drive, that definitely threw me for a loop. It would have been very nice not to have felt like I was a little bit broken my whole life.
Holly Cow Hannah!!!!! That's about as powerful as it gets. If your ever asked to give a speech....... say that coz Dam!!! That really is deep but also so true. Society has created what is deemed to be the acceptable "norm" and anything or anybody that does not fit that standard is rejected as "not acceptable" to the point where most of this could never be discussed in a religious setting, a work place, or even at family social gatherings. I hope this video goes viral because it so needs to, to get everybody to take 9 minutes of there lives to just stop and think. WOW!
It is June 16, 2020. The day after the Supreme Court has confirmed that the LGBTQ community have the equal rights, under the 1964 Civil Rights Act, Title VII. I am heterosexual and I strongly welcome everybody the right to be happy and having a fulfilled life. There is plenty of room, for all of us. In the long wrong, we will all benefit.
Wow, yeah I read a lot about this back when I was first properly coming to terms with being a lesbian - but I don’t think I’ve *ever* actually heard a straight person talk about compulsory heterosexuality in depth without being dismissive of its severity. This was very fulfilling to watch, thank you Hannah xx
*My main problem with the rainbow argument is that every single reason they give to try and justify it can be used for every other sexual scenario too.* *Two consenting adults: Adultery is between two consenting adults.* *It's found in the animal kingdom: Pee...dough...feel ya and rayp are also found in the animal kingdom.* *It's not a choice: Neck...row.. feel...ya is a men-tall diz-order therefore not a choice* *It can be safe if you use protection: N...sest can be "safe" if you use protection* *Love is love no matter who it's for: So if you want to love someone's lover, it's all good?*
I thought I was straight until 2 years ago age 26, even though there were so many signs pointing towards me being into women as well as men. I just blocked or dismissed these thoughts throughout adolescence and adulthood. Then I met a girl who I fell for hard, and everything started to click. She's now my girlfriend, never been happier :)
Hannah, thank you so much for saying "sexual and romantic orientation". Those have always been different for me bc I'm mostly homosexual but also mostly heteroromantic. I cherish these little details of visibility and value your content so much for things like this
“You may actually believe that you are straight” hit me right in the heart. When I was younger I was in an environment where you could be straight or gay and being gay was presented as really hard to do, not necessarily a bad thing just people will make your life harder. I legit believed I was straight cause I was into men, it took until I was 19 and introduced to the idea of bisexuality that I realised I was bi. Until that point I thought all straight girls fantasised about what hot girls looked like in the shower and enjoyed the thought of kissing a girl. I was so confused but also happy when I was introduced to bisexuality.
So is it also possible that you may actually only believe that you are not straight? Oh no wait you're all a bunch of cherrypicking hypocrites with no consistent worldview :^)
YES HANNAH. THIS. I’m bi and only figured it out at the age of 22 bc of comphet. I was like “I like boys and that’s all I need to know” and went on pursuing boys and not understanding why that wasn’t working. Bc of comphet I assumed there must be something wrong w me and just shut out any feelings that weren’t straight. I had “friendships” w women and feelings for women that were just breezed past. When I finally figured out I wasn’t straight it felt like my whole concept of self was shattered and had to be put back together. I spent a few days in a haze, rethinking every relationship. I over self evaluated and self explained and have put so much EFFORT into understanding my sexuality and labeling it so that I could feel “normal” and it was so much easier to just be straight and I never was. I had a girl I was seeing refer to my struggle as compulsory heterosexuality and didn’t truly understand it. Letting it go is still difficult. Thank you for this
It’s so weird to be hearing about a concept i only found talked about in the dark conners of tumblr in the day of light! I really appreciate you talking about this, it makes me feel very optimistic about the future knowing great allies as you exist 🏳️🌈
Interestingly I never came out to anyone, I just did what I felt like with who I felt like and my attitude was that people could either be fine with it or f*ck off. I've really enjoyed both the freedom and the feeling of rebellion that's given me.
Love this. I remember when I first heard ideas about sexuality being a spectrum and not a permanent label that you have to constantly adhere to - it made so much sense to me! I think the world would be a much better place if, like you say, we embraced fluidity and looked inwards more. I had never heard about comp het until a month or so ago but again it made so much sense to me. Love this reminder that representation is so important.
This is so educational, thank you!! Also, I think this assumption of heterosexuality imposed by comphet is particularly relevant for bisexual people. Since we might fit in the box a little bit, it's so much easier to never (or rarely) question our sexuality. And I never truly realized pride was the opposite of shame, so true!! Shame is mostly a controlling mechanism in our society and it does so much harm.
I’ve seen videos of “gold star lesbians” complaining of how comp het doesn’t exist because they have always known they were gay, therefore lesbians with different experiences are somehow invalidated. I recently discovered after years of truly believing I was a bisexual woman, that I am a lesbian who has experienced the effects of comp het. When your entire life is based on what man you will marry or which boy at school you find the cutest is pushed into your face with no alternative option, you start to mistake your platonic feelings for romantic ones. It’s been a couple days since I’ve recognized my being lesbian and I’ve been struggling to except myself for it, it feels right to call myself a lesbian, but I still find myself feeling invalidated by past feelings related to comp het. About 5 years ago I learned that I liked women and what that meant, but I never questioned if I liked men, to me that was a given. I wasn’t repulsed by men, and I wanted to be friends with men, so I must want them romantically as well. A key point I’ve been remembering is that all the boys I thought I had crushed on have asked me out, and I rejected them all. Finally when the most recent boy asked me out I decided to give it a go. 13 hours in and I felt so sick to my core and that something was wrong. He wanted to hold hands and I refused, he wanted to hug and it made me so uncomfortable, but when we hugged outside of a relationship I was fine. I ended up telling him I couldn’t date him because I wasn’t ready for a relationship. Minutes afterwards I was smiling again and that sick feeling I had left. That is the moment I keep looking back too because while I find fictional men and celebrities attractive, I could never be in a fulfilling relationship with one and society has lead me to believe that I’ve liked them all along. Im two days into calling myself a lesbian, and it’s new and scary, but it feels more right than calling myself bi ever did.
That bit about platonic vs romantic feelings is how I ended up married to a guy for 14 years. I thought I was gay back in high school and had a long relationship with a woman in my early 20s. When that crashed and burned, I just automatically defaulted back to "must look for guy now" (realizing much later in life this was comp-het at work). Met a great guy friend and then we just sort of were planning being married... like that just seemed logical. He's probably the only person I've truly loved, but only in the last couple of years did I realize that I wasn't IN love... not romantically. I'm so glad you figured it out (you sound pretty young)... you be you. And don't listen to gold star lesbians... this is YOUR journey and your path and only you can walk it!
Damn this sounds just like me. I’ve always identified as bisexual ( with a strong pull to women), snd now, with a 9 month old I had with my dear friend ( we ‘dated’ for a bit but almost never had sex. Although I love him dearly). Luckily I had some good times with male lovers/friends... and I have my son whom I adore. But after having him and turning 34.... I realized I’d never, ever, want a sexual relationship with a man again. I think there is a word for that... lesbian? Lol
I've observed the phenomenon of compulsory heterosexuality, but never had a term for it so thank you for speaking about this! I think it's important to consider asexual and aromantic experiences in this conversation as well. In feeling little or no attraction at all, we also deviate from the comphet perscription. Our struggles with it might not be as visible, but growing up without experiencing the feelings that everyone is expected to have can be very damaging. It can lead to thoughts of being inadequate or even defective. It can force individuals into unwanted romantic or sexual relationships just to prove to themselves or others that they are "normal". A lot of people seem to believe that because ace/aro individuals aren't as obvious in their defiance of comphet ideals, they aren't significantly affected by them. That simply isn't true.
I've been questionning my sexuality and analysing it in more depth since I've heard about comphet and I've realised that when I hit puberty and started feeling sexual attraction it was mostly towards women. Before that I thought I was straight and imagined myself ending up with a man (because comphet) but I've never had the same awakening I had for women. I don't think I'm a lesbian but I now see that while I can be attracted to people of various genders I'm mostly attracted to women and the other people I'm attracted to tend to have a strong feminine side. I wish society didn't push us to assume we're straight until we realise otherwise because now I don't know how much of my attraction to men is compulsory vs legitimate lol
@@mephistopheles9644 they don't look like men, they look like women in masculine clothes, that's very different from a 6'2 muscular hairy dude with a beard. When I said dudes who look like women I wasn't excluding dudes who look like butch women, butch women do not look like men and saying they do is a very narrow minded way of thinking about gender
I dug into comp het a couple months ago after a youtuber I watch came out and mentioned it. This was thorough and informative! Thanks a lot! As a bi woman in a hetero relationship it has been weird to have this theory rattling around in my mind. It has led to me digging a bit deeper into the nuance of attraction and fantasy and some of the general weirdness I feel about being in a hetero relationship.
Contrapoints? Even if it's not, it's from her video that I learnt about comp het, and although I'd been questioning for years about whether or not I'm bisexual, it just made me question things even more. I find it interesting that it's normal that straight women have "girl crushes" and don't question their sexuality but if a straight guy were to have "guy crushes", people would immediately question whether that guy was actually straight
When I was younger I was pretty much pressured into being completely straight through media and my friends and family, now I knew that I liked girls as well as boys when I was young so said to peers and family that I was bisexual...........and holy sh*t did I get shamed, I was questioned constantly by people saying "are you sure" and I never really understood why there was such a stigma about it and why I had to conform to being straight and perfect on the basis on other people norms and values. I've only started becoming more comfortable with myself and who I choose to be. So now that you've made a video on this it all make sense to me as I've never seen anyone being shamed for being straight sooooooo 😂 anyway thank you for this 😊
It's so great to hear more people talking about comphet! I only learned about the term a few months ago and it would've been so helpful to know sooner. I literally wrote an essay last year called "Straight by Default" basically talking about comphet without knowing it was a thing. Only realized I was asexual when I was 19, and now I'm slowly realizing I might actually be lesbian. It took this long because I assumed I would know if I wasn't straight, without questioning why straight was the default setting
I haven't even watched yet and I'm already tearing up. HANNAH WITTON THANK YOU FOR SPEAKING OUT ABOUT THIS 😭😭. I might have come out before 24 were it not for this very thing!
Can you talk about demi sexuality? In this over-sexualized society (or mostly media) it's easy to feel deviant or wrong when being demisexual (or especially for asexuals). Really love your videos!! Also thank you for talking about compulsory heterosexuality!! I think it's a topic not brought up enough
Yes! I second this! Demi-sexuality is so often negated in the LGBTQ+ and it's hard to find more detailed research on it. I only learned the term in the last couple years and was like holy shit, that's what I am. I have a label if I want it! The whole time I felt in this weird undisclosed area between asexual and sexual. I have also realized in this past year that I. Am. Pan. even if I'm not sleeping with anyone. Lack of activity doesn't negate my identity or my right to inclusion. Oof, it's been an age of self discovery. What a time to be alive. 😁🥰
100% agree!! Part of how I realized I wasn’t heterosexual was that I didn’t look at people who I found attractive and immediately thought a lot about how I wanted to shag them. I wanted to get to know them and be romantic with them. I couldn’t be that way with any of the heterosexual men I been with and that’s when I started questioning my sexuality. I now consider myself panromantic - demisexual/greysexual. Those terms best describe my orientation 🙂
@@AlyssaADUB1D I'm gonna be honest I do not know any women who look at an attractive person and immediately think about sex, that's not really what attraction is, it's more of a physical feeling tbh. Before realising I was a lesbian I never thought about sex with girls, I usually just thought I really wanted to be their friend and hold their hand and be near them and stuff, or I just looked at them and thought they were really really pretty. I still do not think about sex when I see attractive girls, especially when it's in person. I usually just want to look at them a lot
"whatever you find in there, you should be proud" Hannah why you gotta be making me cry like this? I came out as gay at 18 and then bi at 20 and honestly now at 24 I don't even know. I know labels aren't anything, but it would be nice to not be as confused. Thank you for making this video Hannah xxx
i personally have found a lot of comfort in actually labelling myself /as/ questioning. for me it's been really good to have one word to say: i don't know, but that's okay and i don't need to know now or even ever. & sometimes i will call myself queer without specifying further as a kind of 'fuck you you don't get to put me in a smaller box than this'. and this should go without saying but of course you dont need to use those if theyre not for you! but i just wanted to share in case it helps in any way
*My main problem with the rainbow argument is that every single reason they give to try and justify it can be used for every other sexual scenario too.* *Two consenting adults: Adultery is between two consenting adults.* *It's found in the animal kingdom: Pee...dough...feel ya and rayp are also found in the animal kingdom.* *It's not a choice: Neck...row.. feel...ya is a men-tall diz-order therefore not a choice* *It can be safe if you use protection: N...sest can be "safe" if you use protection* *Love is love no matter who it's for: So if you want to love someone's lover, it's all good?*
i learned about the term comphet a few months ago and it has been SO illuminating to me in my reflections and self-image. am i even attracted to men, or did i just assume i had to be? it's been incredibly freeing to have a name for the system that influences my experiences. just knowing about comphet reduces its power, i think. i also really like the observation that people who aren't heterosexual are the only ones who ever really have to interrogate their sexuality. i spend so much time and energy thinking about my sexuality, and straight people just... don't. wild.
I see the same things said for gender. In general, if you own a privilege/well resourced in a situation, you don't naturally spend much time thinking about it - race, ability, orientation, attraction, gender, food (eg. allergies), money, family, class (working/middle/..), ... Did an exercise at a Stonewall Bi Empowerment training day that was enlightening for all of us, that showed the less we thought/worried about an aspect of our lives, the more privilege we had there.
Great video. I've spent my whole life assuming that I'll find my prince charming till thirty. I used to attribute my lack of interest and enthusiasm to my youth and stupidity. Guess who woke up one day as a 30 years old lesbian.
Gosh Hannah, have you read my mind?! This entire "never really thinking about your sexual orientation or desires" has been on my mind a lot lately. I've come to the realization that I might actually be a bit bi though I'm in a longterm commited hetero relationship. It is quite strange, because I've never had a girlfriend or really made out with another women but putting myself into the straight box just always felt a bit wrong. It's something I think about more now and how that actually affect me. Comphet man, it gets to ya!
I didn't even know I was bisexual for most of my life. It was only when I actually discovered the word "bisexual" did I start to consider that I might feel that way. I hadn't even considered it until I learned there was a way I coild identify other than straight
I defintely agree with the concept of just accepting you're straight without considering other options. Definitely something I see in myself, only more recently evolving to consider the fact that just because I'm a cis woman who likes men, doesn't mean I have to ONLY like men
I also think this plays into the idea that boys bully girls "because they fancy them". That idea really messed me up - I ended up feeling like being desired by men was inherently dangerous, because I had been told repeatedly by the adults around me that the boys who were bullying me and I KNEW were trying to hurt me were doing it "because they fancied me" (the girls bullying me were always "jealous" because clearly everything is about how sexually attractive you are as a just barely pubescent girl, ugh) It used to really bug me that people would always be asking me who I fancied and never really believed me when I said no one. I can only remember one occasion when someone thought to ask me if I was into girls when I said that I didn't fancy any boys, and honestly I hadn't really considered it at that point in time because I also assumed that I must be Het. I was absolutely terrified of boys finding me attractive (and hardly ever found anyone attractive myself) but I still assumed that I would be happily married to a man someday. As it so happens I am happily married to a man and now identify as Grey Asexual and maybe bi? I'm pretty certain I'm Grey A (not just traumatised by the whole bullying thing), but when I first came across the concept of CompHet I did a lot of soul searching to try and figure out if I am actually attracted to my husband (my only romantic/sexual relationship). I ended up concluding that I was, it is just that sexual attraction and interest is something that I only feel sometimes as I swing back and forwards along the Asexual axis . Still not sure if I'm attracted to girls or not, sexual attraction is just such a slippery, ephemeral feeling for me (asking Allosexual people what it is like to be their orientation on the homosexual/heterosexual axis really doesn't help figuring it out either). I'm just so frustrated that people assume that I'm sexual, but at the same time there is a kind of relief that comes from being in an apparently hetero-normative relationship because I mostly don't have to deal with the questions or the being hit on so much anymore. Tbh I'm not sure if I really want to figure out if I'm Bi or not because LGBT identities are so often heavily sexualized and I would really like people to stop sexualizing me please. Here's to a world where people don't assume other people's sexual identities.
Compulsory Heterosexuality is definitely played a HUGE part in me not knowing I was gay AF at an earlier age. I was never told any other "option" in life. Well done for breaking this down and educating, Hannah....as always! Happy Pride Month!
this was an amazing video, hannah! i found out about compulsory heterosexuality over a year ago and it has lead to me have some mini crises especially being a bi woman who prefers woman. i don't *think* i'm a lesbian but honestly....who knows what will happen in the future. saying that, a lot of stuff in this video really hit me and made a lot of sense to me. like the fact i didn't realise i was bi until i was 17, but when i look back at how i was when i was younger it's so obvious that i am. also the fact that before i realised that about myself whenever i saw a picture of a super attractive woman i would feel guilt and shame. my mind has been blown by the fact as well that straight people NEVER question their sexuality or why they feel the way they do???
This made me smile so much, IT ME. I realized only in my 20's that when I was younger I was already into girls, but because I never saw any lesbians in real life (not including porn here.. 'cause lets be real - it didn't teach me anything good), nobody talked about the option of not-being-straight, that I just assumed it was a phase and that it was just a really good friend who I loved very much. The fact that I wanted to smoosh booties with her got knocked out of my brain. And that is in spite of having no obvious "anti-LGTQ+" voices around me. I simply had no idea being not-straight is an option. Here I am, years later, tons of TH-cam later, knowing that if only it was culturally appropriate to talk about sexuality in a fluid way (curse 2000' sex-ed), I would have been pan and proud from when I was literally a child.
God, thanks for bringing up comphet being a gay male issue too! I always figured it was only for lesbians, despite constantly feeling bad for not liking women when all my friends and everyone around me did!
All my life I thought that finding women pretty was normal for a het woman. I convinced myself that I envied their looks, or just admired them. Took so long to even think of the possibility of being bi. Now, when looking up cute hairstyles/clothes/makeup on pinterest I have to actively consider if I like the hair/clothes/makeup for me, or if I just find the women cute haha. I 'came out' to my mom when she was saying (years ago) that she was glad that she didn't have to worry about how the world would treat me and my sister since we were straight and I was like 'err.. but i'm not really...' and my sister responded 'yeah.. I'm bi too, though.'. It was the first time it was ever mentioned in my household, since me and my sister are in het relationships but in that moment I just realized that.. I do like girls too.
I realized I was bisexual at 20 years old, despite going to a historically womens college and having many gay friends that admit they thought I was gay when they met me. They saw the gay in me before I did, and that's on comp het.
Love this! I 100% agree that anyone, even straight people should be questioning at some point and always keeping an open mind. Back when it was released your video with Ash about flexibility really helped me. I had my first crush on a girl at 26, and I always swore to myself I wouldn't go against the flow if I felt like something could happen.
Thank you for this video! 🌷 The more I hear people talking about their different sexualities the more I started thinking about myself and I found some interesting things
This is I think is one of yours most informative videos adressing sexuality and society. If anyone ever asks me about why compulsary heteresexuality is a problem, I'm just gonna send them this. Thank you for this! especially in times like this.
It happens the other way round too these days. If you deviate in any way from the "norm" people assume that you are gay or lesbian or whatever and even try to pressure you into admitting it even if you are aromantic or asexual or simply don't want to be in a relationship or reproduce . Just ask anyone who isn't married with kids by a certain age.
i’ve never seen comphet talked about as a concept as oppression, only as an experience non-straight people feel! this was really educational (you do learn something new every day!) and i’m surprised i haven’t seen it explained this way before! thanks hannah ♥️
Finally accepted that I’m lesbian after years of thinking that I was just picky with men. I’m not picky with anyone, I just don’t view men as attractive or someone I’d want a relationship with.
Thank you so much for the video, and especially that last minute and a half. I came out as bi a while ago, and this year started identifying as ace instead, so I've definitely had to question myself a lot. It's really scary to "change" such a big part of your identity, how you think of yourself, internally. That "cookie-cutter" experience of grow up, get married to a person of the "opposite" gender and have kids, doesn't fit me, and it took a long time to realize that, but I'm lucky enough that I live here and now when it's coming to light, thanks to representation and people like you.
I remember a couple of years ago I started to question what I was. While I'm definitely a deviant by the standards of comphet, I can most certainly say I'm heterosexual. I spent time considering wether or not I was bi or homosexual, but the conclusion is hetero.
I think the comphet thing is very vanilla, and is also wrapped up in very standardized gender roles. So if you fall into certain kinks or feel more comfortable with non-traditional relationship dynamics, it can still really affect you, even if you are hetero.
@@MRuby-qb9bd Totally. It's a system engineered to make everyone's sex lives conform to the same ideals. And I've always been against systems forcing people to conform.
Love this video. So well explained and a really great take on pride from someone straight who doesnt just want to speak on behalf of the experiences of others.
I’m familiar with heteronormativity but I had never heard of comphet before, even as a bisexual woman. But it definitely makes sense to me and my experience. It’s why I’m mostly open but still afraid to reiterate my sexuality to people that I’ve already come out to or to come out to anyone new, why I even have to reiterate my sexuality and come out in the first place, why I can pass as straight because I look a certain way or talk about certain things more than others, why I questioned my sexuality for a long time before finding an identity, and why I had to really to think about all this in the first place. Thanks for this enlightening video. I really feel like I should read the essays mentioned now.
And there's my explanation for why I didn't realize I was bi until I was 17 years old (even though I was fantasizing about women since I was thirteen). Great video, I really short but informative!
I think that's why so much internalised homophobia exists because (to me) in a word like comphet exists, it just seems easier to get by, without having to come out etc - and it's easier to just pretend than face reality. This pride month has taught me so much about the internalised fear that I've had for far too long, thank you for this :)
I was bisexual for about 4 years, and I only had a few real life boy crushes. The last male crush I had (8th grade) made me realize that boys are too hard to come by, then I had a real and FIRST relationship which was a girl in 9th grade... (I'm a 11th grader now). Recently I've come to realize that I'm actually lesbian. After coming out to my mom about being lesbian (shes very supportive), I feel like I have to prove to her that I'm into girls. She did say something the next day about how sex is a powerful thing and that one day I might get curious and sleep with a man. It hurt my ego a lot, and this was a few weeks ago. I didnt know what comphet was yet around that time. So for weeks, I've been kind of on and off... I know I'm a lesbian (not experienced) and that girls are what I'm attracted to. And having crushes on fictional male characters doesnt help it. So I'm in a twist.
You don't have to worry about knowing exactly what your sexual orientation is. You can just accept that you're gay but you might like guys, or you might not. It's a spectrum
comphet is the thing that made me think i was bi for the longest time and still made me question myself once i’d realised that i’m a lesbian. it means a lot to me that you made this video, more people need to know about this issue!
I'm glad to see someone talking about this! Comphet is something I struggled with more than I realised, I thought I *must* be bi/pan for so long just because boys are seen as a girl thing. It didn't really cross my mind that I wasn't actually attracted to men I just wanted to have someone and I was told it had to be a man. I got really into some women being subordinate to men kinks because I was that deep into comphet. I was so deep I was into the kink of men forcing me into a sexual relationship with them. I look back now and it's so obvious I was a lesbian the whole time
thank you for making this! as a bisexual woman, this explains aloootttt. I was aware of this sort of notion prior to watching, but I'd never had a name for it, i'm glad to have one now, will definitely be researching further about this!
Such a fantastic video! Comphet is a HUGE issue in the aromantic and asexual communities. I've run into so many "you should just grin and bear it" arguments from people in my life who try to offer me with they GENUINELY think are helpful solutions to the fact that we live in a world that is so much easier to navigate for monogamous coupled (specifically heterosexual) people. Comphet is that constant running argument in your head of "how bad would it really be to live your life in a way that is not authentic to you because it's what's expected of you." Comphet goes beyond keeping people from realizing they're not straight, it makes the argument for knowing you're not straight and pursuing heterosexuality anyway.
"And whatever you find in there, you should be proud" Ok, I FINALLY can say to straight people why being a straight proud in our culture is nonsense. I usually struggled to think about a clear way to say why and DAMN, now I will struggle no more. Thanks! Also, I usually thought about heteronormativity and compulsory heterosexuality being more or less the same thing. I now can think about the differences.
Hannah! I looove this video! I want to share it with absolutely everyone!!!! I have a problem putting what I feel into words, especially around these kinds of topics and you say everything I’m thinking about so beautifully and eloquently!!! I was like shaking my head and agreeing with you outloud whilst watching this video! It’s such an important video topic and the points you made are incredible and important and true. Thank you for making this video!!! Like I said, you truly put my thoughts into words in such a wonderful way!
Wow, this hit really close to home, especially the part where you said people who aren't straight can be made to think that they are just because of compulsory heterosexuality. That was me until I was 17 (!) and finally started to accept that I was a completely gay man. Would have been useful to know that there were other options that weren't treated as undesirable or less worthy than heterosexuality! Even now, at 20, I still struggle with feeling the need to be as masculine as I can, because that's the wish of society.
I've identified as pan and non-binary for a good few years now, and up until 9 minutes and three seconds ago, I was still thinking of het as the 'normal' and 'default' sexuality. Great video Hannah. I think I just learned that majority does not have to dictate norms. What a morning 🏳️🌈
This resounds so much with me. I'm a bi cis women and I didn't know it until a good straight friend if mine said one day, " You know you're gay, right?" I just blankley stared at him. He was right. I needed someone to give me the "room" to be myself. I will always be grateful to him for now I don't feel so squished. That compulsory Heterosexual Box is really cramped and small.
I thought this video was AWESOME so I tried to share it to my Facebook page... after a few hours I noticed no likes or comments. Seemed odd. Turned out it didn’t post to news feed, just my timeline. Suspicious... so I copied the link into a normal post and that did post to feed, BUT when people tried to view the video it came up as “RESTRICTED” 😶😶😶 shared a different, very vanilla video and it worked fine! This is one of the BEST videos you have posted about sexuality and it is being silenced!!! Honestly I’m beside myself here. Wondering if anyone else has noticed this.
Great way to contribute to Pride month as someone not in the community. Also, many many thanks for the consistent and continued subtitling of your channel!
I've labeled myself as bisexual ever since I was 13 because I am severely attracted to women, would love to grow old with a woman, fantasize about writing longing and pining letters to women, and can never imagine having a partner whom I call "my boyfriend/husband" but I also think male celebrities can be hot. so I just wanna say that thinking that guys look good doesn't make you automatically attracted to them! after reading more about comphet I realised im a BIG lesbian. It took six years to discover my own sexuality and it's ok if it changes as sexuality if fluid!!xx
Thank you SO much for talking about this Hannah!! If I’d known about comphet when I was questioning then I’d have figured out my sexuality loads earlier. There can never be enough awareness about this kind of stuff :)
I really loved this video. I was actually aware of comp het, I feel like its a term that people might discuss particularly in the bi community because there's often this big assumption made by society that if you are attracted to an 'opposite' gender then you must be straight. But even beyond that, I think there's actually a kind of pervasive (and very destructive) societal idea that you just shouldn't question your sexuality if that's the case, as if there is an element of choice about it, and you should chose to be 'normal'. I've just scrolled down and yes it does look like there are a lot of fellow bisexuals in the comments!
I really loved this video, Hannah! you're the best for educating people in these kinds of matters. If you're into topics like these, I recommend you looking for some Anthropological essays on gender, sex, and more. Social and cultural anthropology offers so much of that and really dismantle everything that has been implanted and forced into our brains while growing up through examples and analysis of cultural differences and diversity that prove gender roles, gender, sex and much more are concepts established and imposed by western culture through colonization and conquests over the last centuries.
Thank you Hannah for this video. I didn’t realise how deep it goes. I have massive internalised homophobia and just thinkin* that when I grow up then I’ll be “normal” and “find a man and fall in love and have kids” even though I know that it probably won’t happen. It scares me that because of comphet that I’ll just “get out of my phase” and be “normal” even though there is no normal. Thank you again
OH HELL YES this video was so interesting. I had never really thought about this concept but when you started explaining it I was like this is actually mindblowing
I think women in particular are presented the idea from a young age that we will grow up and meet our “Prince Charming”, our “Mr Right” and have this fairytale romance - in Disney films, in books, in Rom Coms. Something that I have personally struggled with is applying that same fantasy of romance to a lesbian relationship. Just one example of why, thanks to Compulsory Heterosexuality, I still scrutinise my sexuality. Even after 12 years of being ‘out’ as a lesbian.
Yes. Comp Het should be challenged. It hurts hetero men just as much as anyone else, just diiferently. We hetero men get messages that if we're not Chads, we're poor excuses for men. Without Comp Het we'd feel free to relate to people as people, not as potential conquests.
I am (as far as I know) heterosexual and -romantic cis woman. I feel damn lucky that I needed to question that, since I'm feminine-aesthetic. Aesthetically, feminine presenting people are just gorgeous for me. But interestingly it puts them in my head automatically to friend zone. "Oh my god. What a beautiful person!" -> "I want to be friends with them." Think pattern take a while to understand, since this is not the most typical think pattern to have. Since I needed to question myself, I understand way better other people than before the questioning phase of my life. And I'm happy I had that phase. I want to stand with you all and be proud of you.
5:23-6:00 exactly. I was simultaneously accepting of my attraction to women, while feeling like these feelings could never be acted on with the people in my life and environment because everyone in my inner circle are always assumed to be straight. So despite my feelings, I still thought I was straight/would end up marrying a man no matter what I felt.
to me i've always thought about the systemic/societal pressure to be hetero as heteronormativity, and the emotional/internal pressure/confusion caused by heteronormativity as comphet! but either way they obviously go very much hand in hand. speaking as a lesbian, i think something important to know about comphet is how it stays with you on a personal level for SO LONG. i just had my 10 year coming out-aversary and i've been extremely comfortable in my identity and sexuality for many years now - but every now and then there's this voice in the back of my mind popping in saying maybe a relationship / sex with men would be a good idea. when it, to me, would be a ridiculously horrible idea. and that voice would bring so much confusion, discomfort and shame, even if it's just the briefest thought. and i know this isn't a rare occurrence amongst other lesbians either. to me that seems like the biggest display of comphet with people a long time after coming out, as opposed to the early days before you're sure about everything when it can be more doubting yourself and your feelings, and "making" yourself having crushes on your guy friends or especially Unattainable Guys.
Thank you. For the video. It has given me answers that I am looking for. I think it is very, very valuable. I'm going to share it. I am also a part of the LGBTQIA+ community. Thanks to your video, I feel better and I know better what we're up against. I am so against any negative behavior when it comes to personal characteristics. I give you love ❤. And anybody should be able to feel safe with being and expressing who they are.
Comphet can also be a reason (obv not the only reason, sexuality is a complicated spectrum, for some people it's more fluid than others, etc) that some people first come out as bi before coming out as gay/lesbian - there's just so much pressure to be attracted to people of the opposite gender that it can be hard to work through that that's just not working for you. Also, as a lesbian, it's good that, at least in the communities I'm in, we're moving away from the concept of a "gold star lesbian" (never dated/had sex with a man). Comphet is a hell of a drug, and we shouldn't be dragging each other down over it.
loved this video!!! as someone who is always questioning my sexuality and gender expression is crazy to realise that straight people don't do that at all.
I wanted to say that I feel like you did a really good job on this video. It feels really well researched and informative, carefully thought out and accessible, with positive vibes too. I hadn't heard of comphet before so this was really educational for me and has opened my eyes a little. Thanks for the great video!
I’ve never dealt with much long term internalized homophobia, pretty much as soon as I identified that I was attracted to women I remember thinking “oh that’s chill too” I didn’t have any issue accepting my attraction to women, but I spent a year telling myself that I was bi because I had spent my entire childhood being told in order to be happy I have to like men. It took some time to realize that maybe my not being attracted to men meant I’m not attracted to men
This definitely gives me a lot to think about. I currently identify as bisexual but I've been wondering lately whether I'm just afraid of what people will think of me. It's almost like the idea of a boyfriend is comforting because it would make me feel more secure and normal. Do I actually think men are hot or is that just what I want to believe? Way more questions than answers here
I am very glad that my parents raised me in such a positive manner that heterosexuality was never really imposed on me, to the point that my mom actually picked up on the fact I had a big fat crush on one of my female best friend and said, without me having come out or anything that it would totally be okay for me to date a girl or whoever I chose to date ^^
This has come up at an important time for me. I came out as demisexual last year and since then I've spent a lot of time looking back on past experiences when people assumed I was gay, not interested in a relationship, or assumed I was too shy to get a girlfriend when I was young. None of these things were true yet I now realise what was happening was "comphet"
I'm heterosexual too. My only experience with comphet is just not wanting to be in a relationship but feeling that pressure because "oh by the age of 25 you need all your life figured out!!" I'm 24 with a college degree, in grad school plan on moving to NYC in the near future and attending law school. So I don't have the full experience of comphet and never really questioned my sexually. I just knew I had that attraction towards men I just don't give a damn about dating lol. So I like taking my time and love will find me 🥰
com het is the reason why a lot of people have this aunt who "never found love" and "lives with her lifelong roommate Susan". Sure Karen, they're roommates
OH MY GOD AND THEY WERE _ROOMATES_
(Sorry ik this is serious but I find serious things easier to talk about if I can joke about it)
Just Another PJ Fangirl OMG YESSS
Karen woooouuuullld never
@anne lister
I realized way too late in life that my aunt Karen wasn’t living with a “roommate” her entire life like my parents wanted me to believe 💀
"Pride is the opposite of shame" EXACTLY. And that's why "straight pride" makes no sense, because there's never been any kind of shame about being straight. Also, such an important video thank you *-*
You can take pride only in things you took shame before?
I've always had kind of mixed feeling about that idea. I'll never forget once when I about 10 or 11. I off handedly mentioned my being Jewish to one of my teachers. For whatever reason I said that it was no big deal and she said "It is a big deal. You should be proud of who you are." I had literally no idea what the heck she was talking about.
Because as far as I was concerned me being Jewish as about as relevant as me having black hair. It wasn't something I had anything to do with so why should it make me proud? For the longest time I really believed you can only be proud or ashamed of what you did. Not something you were born into or grew into through no control of your own.
I've come to the conclusion that if we aren't made to feel ashamed what we are, we have little need to proclaim our pride. I hadn't experience anti-Semitism at that age, so I didn't feel the need to take something that was treated as a point of shame and reclaim it. That's what all those chanting "straight pride" just don't get. People don't want to proclaim their sexuality just to get attention. They want to uphold there self-worth in a world that brings them down because of their sexuality.
@@magicvortex Good question. I thought about it, and yes. You can take pride only in things you took shame before. It puts things into perspective, doesn't it? Whenever your parents said "son/daughter, I am proud of you", it basically mean, that they felt ashamed for being your parents before.
This is EXACTLY why straight pride makes no sense. Yes.
@@9ansean that's a brilliant way of putting it.
Within the lesbian experience, comphet can work to convince women that they can't be women without attraction to men. Despite always being comfortable being gay, I identified as bi/pan for all of my teen years, despite being repulsed and uninterested by the idea of relationships, sex, or intimacy with men. My hardest coming out process was saying I am a LESBIAN, and being assertive about my lack of attraction to men. I felt as though any emotion I experienced regarding men that wasn't active disgust was evidence that I couldn't be a lesbian. I felt that liking artists who were men meant I couldn't be a lesbian. And before I admitted to myself that I wasn't attracted to men, that I didn't want to have relationships with them, I was in a very complicated place with my gender identity. I didn't know why womanhood felt like it was being forced down my throat. That is, until I connected that feeling with how much womanhood is attached to attraction to men. When I accepted my Lesbiansm, I became comfortable knowing I was a woman, because I was redefining womanhood on my own terms and applying it to my lived experience.
Wow, that is so well put
@@lornareilly9407
I had never considered that I might have been fed the idea that my womanhood was attached to attraction to men 😳 this video and everything everyone’s sharing is truly rocking my foundations right now. Gonna read the infamous Am I a Lesbian doc as soon as I finish reading these. Thank you for sharing!
This is articulated so well and has helped me with how I have been feeling - thank you so much for sharing!
Exactly what I been going thru rn!! Feels free to finally b getting there x
Thought this was a very well articulated and interesting video. I remember having a conversation with a heterosexual friend where she said "I'm straight and I have sat with myself and allowed myself to think what if I'm not, and that it's okay to be otherwise but I concluded that I'm straight." And I remember being really oddly comforted by that as it felt good to hear a heterosexual person even properly address the possibility that they might not be straight/might just be a victim of compulsory heterosexuality. Also had only heard of heternormativity before and not compulsory heterosexuality, so very glad to have a new word that sums up perfectly how I feel about the sexuality issues in society, even if its hard to say!!
I’ve also done what your friend did!
Hannah Witton do you consider yourself to have comp het? Or are you still heteroflexibke-bi?
Hannah Witton You sure that you completely hetero? I mean you enjoyed and crushed on 2 girls...
Hannah Witton Hello?
*My main problem with the rainbow argument is that every single reason they give to try and justify it can be used for every other sexual scenario too.*
*Two consenting adults: Adultery is between two consenting adults.*
*It's found in the animal kingdom: Pee...dough...feel ya and rayp are also found in the animal kingdom.*
*It's not a choice: Neck...row.. feel...ya is a men-tall diz-order therefore not a choice*
*It can be safe if you use protection: N...sest can be "safe" if you use protection*
*Love is love no matter who it's for: So if you want to love someone's lover, it's all good?*
literally just realised i’m a lesbian, not bi, after reading a massive google doc on the symptoms of comphet so i’m excited to watch this!
wow! I'm intrigued what was on that list of "symptoms"
@@hannahwitton tweet about it and a bunch of people will reply with the link haha, it's super interesting
el famoso Am I A Lesbian master doc I presume. Clicking on this link has changed my life, on God.
Sameeeeee
Hannah Witton here you go!! docs.google.com/document/u/0/d/1AA6RtNIJIYkXAb8pxguUZAUuA-zKv_y8kpE7WTaRDH4/mobilebasic#h.l9z9zzze83ui
This reminds me of a quote from the play Spring Awakening: "Shame is nothing but education". We aren't born to feel shame about things, it's drilled into us by a heteronormative system
love that play! We read it back in school when I was 15 and it stuck with me ever since
❤️❤️
I read this in school and I hated it
i'm an aromantic bisexual and holy shit did comphet ruin my life - it affects so much more than most folks think and i'm so glad you're shedding some light on the subject. amazing video hannah!
hi dear! recently I’m trying to see if the “aromantic bisexual” label “fits” me because I can’t quite differentiate between romantic and platonic attractions, but I don’t know of anyone who experiences the same thing. So if you don’t mind (and truly, truly, no pressure) may I ask how you come to choose that label?
Buffie Nguyễn hi there! i really feel you on the romantic/platonic feelings struggle, it took me absolutely ages to figure it out and i still have issues with it. i would say that i chose these labels because after serious hindsight i've personally never felt any real romantic attraction to anyone and i can't ever really see myself dating - i just want to be able to be physically affectionate to my friends. one thing i realised at school actually is that everyone else had crushes but i just wanted to be friends with people, but i pretended like i had crushes just to fit in, and that actually screwed a few friendships :( the bisexual part is just that i do have sexual attraction to people of many genders but i don't want the romantic attachment that many people think should go along with sex and physical intimacy. i really hope this helps - i just want to say too that everyone experiences things differently and even if my experiences don't match with yours it doesn't mean that you should count it out :)
trxnxti Thank you so much for sharing, i can relate to a lot of what you said there. I’m in no rush to label, but it’s definitely nice to hear that I’m not alone :)
Ikr
@Abigail bisexuals don’t all like men lol
God, I spent years thinking I was a broken straight person before realizing I’m gay. Comp Het is BLEAK
yuupppppp I'm sorry
same with me (though I'm somewhere on the ace spectrum)!
Same same same sweetheart ❤️❤️
WHY IS THIS ME
*My main problem with the rainbow argument is that every single reason they give to try and justify it can be used for every other sexual scenario too.*
*Two consenting adults: Adultery is between two consenting adults.*
*It's found in the animal kingdom: Pee...dough...feel ya and rayp are also found in the animal kingdom.*
*It's not a choice: Neck...row.. feel...ya is a men-tall diz-order therefore not a choice*
*It can be safe if you use protection: N...sest can be "safe" if you use protection*
*Love is love no matter who it's for: So if you want to love someone's lover, it's all good?*
During this quarantine period, I finally acknowledged to myself, friends, and my long term male partner that I'm bi. Nothing changes. But I feel empowered and happy to know a little bit more about myself. It's great to feel comfy in your own shoes.
💛💛💛
The same thing happened to me! Funny thing was my partner knew and made jokes about it way before I even acknowledged it to myself. Now looking back it's all so obvious. Talk about comp-het!
I'm glad you can be out and proud now!
I'm also bi and in a long term relationship with a male partner and he knew from the very start I wasn't straight. It really helps with communicating fantasies and desires and being able to openly discuss a lot of things like that
I also had the same experience over quarantine!! I’m so happy for you
*My main problem with the rainbow argument is that every single reason they give to try and justify it can be used for every other sexual scenario too.*
*Two consenting adults: Adultery is between two consenting adults.*
*It's found in the animal kingdom: Pee...dough...feel ya and rayp are also found in the animal kingdom.*
*It's not a choice: Neck...row.. feel...ya is a men-tall diz-order therefore not a choice*
*It can be safe if you use protection: N...sest can be "safe" if you use protection*
*Love is love no matter who it's for: So if you want to love someone's lover, it's all good?*
I experienced this. When I first found out about asexuality, I thought of course I'm not ace, I like guys. I knew I wasn't a lesbian or bi or pan, etc because I didn't like girls, but it took me a while to realize that I also didn't like guys and that that was even an option. Thanks for the video!
This is so important!! Ace visibility is practically nonexistent and it's hard to learn about things you don't see! ♠️
This is exactly what those video and the comments have made me think about... But honestly it's just made me more confused
I thought that I wasn't ace because I wanted to date girls (this was after I realized I liked girls). I thought that I couldn't be ace because I like girls. Then I learned about the difference between romantic and sexual attraction and realized that I never saw anyone in a sexual way.
It's taken me over the past year or so, and only since the start of this year to let people know about identifying as Ace, and even more recently a panromantic ace. It confuses a lot of people, myself included, but my new colleauges/friends simply just got it. They asked questions, made themselves aware and that's that. Parts of my family is a different story though. 😑
I also relate to this. I appear to be what is now called demisexual. I don't like guys, I like guy. Just that one. I don't like sex in general, I only like it (but I very much like it) with him. "Him" has not always been the same person for my whole life, though. And once it was "her." Having previously assumed I was just a straight woman with a low sex drive, that definitely threw me for a loop. It would have been very nice not to have felt like I was a little bit broken my whole life.
Holly Cow Hannah!!!!! That's about as powerful as it gets. If your ever asked to give a speech....... say that coz Dam!!! That really is deep but also so true. Society has created what is deemed to be the acceptable "norm" and anything or anybody that does not fit that standard is rejected as "not acceptable" to the point where most of this could never be discussed in a religious setting, a work place, or even at family social gatherings. I hope this video goes viral because it so needs to, to get everybody to take 9 minutes of there lives to just stop and think. WOW!
It is June 16, 2020. The day after the Supreme Court has confirmed that the LGBTQ community have the equal rights, under the 1964 Civil Rights Act, Title VII. I am heterosexual and I strongly welcome everybody the right to be happy and having a fulfilled life. There is plenty of room, for all of us. In the long wrong, we will all benefit.
That automatic default to heterosexuality just because I've never "been" with a woman is what kept me from realizing that I'm bisexual for a LOOOONG
Wow, yeah I read a lot about this back when I was first properly coming to terms with being a lesbian - but I don’t think I’ve *ever* actually heard a straight person talk about compulsory heterosexuality in depth without being dismissive of its severity. This was very fulfilling to watch, thank you Hannah xx
it's pretty damn serious and I whole heartedly believe straight people should care. I'm glad you liked the video xx
*My main problem with the rainbow argument is that every single reason they give to try and justify it can be used for every other sexual scenario too.*
*Two consenting adults: Adultery is between two consenting adults.*
*It's found in the animal kingdom: Pee...dough...feel ya and rayp are also found in the animal kingdom.*
*It's not a choice: Neck...row.. feel...ya is a men-tall diz-order therefore not a choice*
*It can be safe if you use protection: N...sest can be "safe" if you use protection*
*Love is love no matter who it's for: So if you want to love someone's lover, it's all good?*
I thought I was straight until 2 years ago age 26, even though there were so many signs pointing towards me being into women as well as men. I just blocked or dismissed these thoughts throughout adolescence and adulthood. Then I met a girl who I fell for hard, and everything started to click. She's now my girlfriend, never been happier :)
Hannah, thank you so much for saying "sexual and romantic orientation". Those have always been different for me bc I'm mostly homosexual but also mostly heteroromantic. I cherish these little details of visibility and value your content so much for things like this
“You may actually believe that you are straight” hit me right in the heart. When I was younger I was in an environment where you could be straight or gay and being gay was presented as really hard to do, not necessarily a bad thing just people will make your life harder. I legit believed I was straight cause I was into men, it took until I was 19 and introduced to the idea of bisexuality that I realised I was bi. Until that point I thought all straight girls fantasised about what hot girls looked like in the shower and enjoyed the thought of kissing a girl. I was so confused but also happy when I was introduced to bisexuality.
So is it also possible that you may actually only believe that you are not straight?
Oh no wait you're all a bunch of cherrypicking hypocrites with no consistent worldview :^)
YES HANNAH. THIS. I’m bi and only figured it out at the age of 22 bc of comphet. I was like “I like boys and that’s all I need to know” and went on pursuing boys and not understanding why that wasn’t working. Bc of comphet I assumed there must be something wrong w me and just shut out any feelings that weren’t straight. I had “friendships” w women and feelings for women that were just breezed past. When I finally figured out I wasn’t straight it felt like my whole concept of self was shattered and had to be put back together. I spent a few days in a haze, rethinking every relationship. I over self evaluated and self explained and have put so much EFFORT into understanding my sexuality and labeling it so that I could feel “normal” and it was so much easier to just be straight and I never was. I had a girl I was seeing refer to my struggle as compulsory heterosexuality and didn’t truly understand it. Letting it go is still difficult. Thank you for this
It’s so weird to be hearing about a concept i only found talked about in the dark conners of tumblr in the day of light! I really appreciate you talking about this, it makes me feel very optimistic about the future knowing great allies as you exist 🏳️🌈
I don't use tumblr anymore but tbh so much of my sex education and learning about this stuff at the beginning came from tumblr!
As an Indian gay man, I can attest to having experienced comphet. I only accepted my sexuality when I was 21.
Interestingly I never came out to anyone, I just did what I felt like with who I felt like and my attitude was that people could either be fine with it or f*ck off. I've really enjoyed both the freedom and the feeling of rebellion that's given me.
Love this. I remember when I first heard ideas about sexuality being a spectrum and not a permanent label that you have to constantly adhere to - it made so much sense to me! I think the world would be a much better place if, like you say, we embraced fluidity and looked inwards more. I had never heard about comp het until a month or so ago but again it made so much sense to me. Love this reminder that representation is so important.
this was such a good idea for a pride month video to make as a straight ally, thank you hannah!!!
This is so educational, thank you!! Also, I think this assumption of heterosexuality imposed by comphet is particularly relevant for bisexual people. Since we might fit in the box a little bit, it's so much easier to never (or rarely) question our sexuality. And I never truly realized pride was the opposite of shame, so true!! Shame is mostly a controlling mechanism in our society and it does so much harm.
I’ve seen videos of “gold star lesbians” complaining of how comp het doesn’t exist because they have always known they were gay, therefore lesbians with different experiences are somehow invalidated. I recently discovered after years of truly believing I was a bisexual woman, that I am a lesbian who has experienced the effects of comp het. When your entire life is based on what man you will marry or which boy at school you find the cutest is pushed into your face with no alternative option, you start to mistake your platonic feelings for romantic ones. It’s been a couple days since I’ve recognized my being lesbian and I’ve been struggling to except myself for it, it feels right to call myself a lesbian, but I still find myself feeling invalidated by past feelings related to comp het. About 5 years ago I learned that I liked women and what that meant, but I never questioned if I liked men, to me that was a given. I wasn’t repulsed by men, and I wanted to be friends with men, so I must want them romantically as well. A key point I’ve been remembering is that all the boys I thought I had crushed on have asked me out, and I rejected them all. Finally when the most recent boy asked me out I decided to give it a go. 13 hours in and I felt so sick to my core and that something was wrong. He wanted to hold hands and I refused, he wanted to hug and it made me so uncomfortable, but when we hugged outside of a relationship I was fine. I ended up telling him I couldn’t date him because I wasn’t ready for a relationship. Minutes afterwards I was smiling again and that sick feeling I had left. That is the moment I keep looking back too because while I find fictional men and celebrities attractive, I could never be in a fulfilling relationship with one and society has lead me to believe that I’ve liked them all along. Im two days into calling myself a lesbian, and it’s new and scary, but it feels more right than calling myself bi ever did.
That bit about platonic vs romantic feelings is how I ended up married to a guy for 14 years. I thought I was gay back in high school and had a long relationship with a woman in my early 20s. When that crashed and burned, I just automatically defaulted back to "must look for guy now" (realizing much later in life this was comp-het at work). Met a great guy friend and then we just sort of were planning being married... like that just seemed logical. He's probably the only person I've truly loved, but only in the last couple of years did I realize that I wasn't IN love... not romantically. I'm so glad you figured it out (you sound pretty young)... you be you. And don't listen to gold star lesbians... this is YOUR journey and your path and only you can walk it!
Damn this sounds just like me. I’ve always identified as bisexual ( with a strong pull to women), snd now, with a 9 month old I had with my dear friend ( we ‘dated’ for a bit but almost never had sex. Although I love him dearly). Luckily I had some good times with male lovers/friends... and I have my son whom I adore. But after having him and turning 34.... I realized I’d never, ever, want a sexual relationship with a man again. I think there is a word for that... lesbian? Lol
I've observed the phenomenon of compulsory heterosexuality, but never had a term for it so thank you for speaking about this! I think it's important to consider asexual and aromantic experiences in this conversation as well. In feeling little or no attraction at all, we also deviate from the comphet perscription. Our struggles with it might not be as visible, but growing up without experiencing the feelings that everyone is expected to have can be very damaging. It can lead to thoughts of being inadequate or even defective. It can force individuals into unwanted romantic or sexual relationships just to prove to themselves or others that they are "normal". A lot of people seem to believe that because ace/aro individuals aren't as obvious in their defiance of comphet ideals, they aren't significantly affected by them. That simply isn't true.
I've been questionning my sexuality and analysing it in more depth since I've heard about comphet and I've realised that when I hit puberty and started feeling sexual attraction it was mostly towards women. Before that I thought I was straight and imagined myself ending up with a man (because comphet) but I've never had the same awakening I had for women. I don't think I'm a lesbian but I now see that while I can be attracted to people of various genders I'm mostly attracted to women and the other people I'm attracted to tend to have a strong feminine side. I wish society didn't push us to assume we're straight until we realise otherwise because now I don't know how much of my attraction to men is compulsory vs legitimate lol
I used to think I was bi because I was attracted to dudes until my friend pointed out that all the dudes I called attractive looked like women lol
@@butasimpleidiotwizard that doesn’t matter lol. Some lesbians are attracted to women who look like men.
@@mephistopheles9644 they don't look like men, they look like women in masculine clothes, that's very different from a 6'2 muscular hairy dude with a beard. When I said dudes who look like women I wasn't excluding dudes who look like butch women, butch women do not look like men and saying they do is a very narrow minded way of thinking about gender
I dug into comp het a couple months ago after a youtuber I watch came out and mentioned it. This was thorough and informative! Thanks a lot!
As a bi woman in a hetero relationship it has been weird to have this theory rattling around in my mind. It has led to me digging a bit deeper into the nuance of attraction and fantasy and some of the general weirdness I feel about being in a hetero relationship.
Contrapoints? Even if it's not, it's from her video that I learnt about comp het, and although I'd been questioning for years about whether or not I'm bisexual, it just made me question things even more. I find it interesting that it's normal that straight women have "girl crushes" and don't question their sexuality but if a straight guy were to have "guy crushes", people would immediately question whether that guy was actually straight
When I was younger I was pretty much pressured into being completely straight through media and my friends and family, now I knew that I liked girls as well as boys when I was young so said to peers and family that I was bisexual...........and holy sh*t did I get shamed, I was questioned constantly by people saying "are you sure" and I never really understood why there was such a stigma about it and why I had to conform to being straight and perfect on the basis on other people norms and values. I've only started becoming more comfortable with myself and who I choose to be. So now that you've made a video on this it all make sense to me as I've never seen anyone being shamed for being straight sooooooo 😂 anyway thank you for this 😊
It's so great to hear more people talking about comphet! I only learned about the term a few months ago and it would've been so helpful to know sooner. I literally wrote an essay last year called "Straight by Default" basically talking about comphet without knowing it was a thing. Only realized I was asexual when I was 19, and now I'm slowly realizing I might actually be lesbian. It took this long because I assumed I would know if I wasn't straight, without questioning why straight was the default setting
I love you icon! Did you make that yourself?
I haven't even watched yet and I'm already tearing up. HANNAH WITTON THANK YOU FOR SPEAKING OUT ABOUT THIS 😭😭. I might have come out before 24 were it not for this very thing!
Hey, I also came out at 24! High-five!
@@jacquiz.6837 🙌🏻
Can you talk about demi sexuality? In this over-sexualized society (or mostly media) it's easy to feel deviant or wrong when being demisexual (or especially for asexuals). Really love your videos!! Also thank you for talking about compulsory heterosexuality!! I think it's a topic not brought up enough
Yes! I second this! Demi-sexuality is so often negated in the LGBTQ+ and it's hard to find more detailed research on it. I only learned the term in the last couple years and was like holy shit, that's what I am. I have a label if I want it! The whole time I felt in this weird undisclosed area between asexual and sexual. I have also realized in this past year that I. Am. Pan. even if I'm not sleeping with anyone. Lack of activity doesn't negate my identity or my right to inclusion. Oof, it's been an age of self discovery. What a time to be alive. 😁🥰
100% agree!! Part of how I realized I wasn’t heterosexual was that I didn’t look at people who I found attractive and immediately thought a lot about how I wanted to shag them. I wanted to get to know them and be romantic with them. I couldn’t be that way with any of the heterosexual men I been with and that’s when I started questioning my sexuality. I now consider myself panromantic - demisexual/greysexual. Those terms best describe my orientation 🙂
@@AlyssaADUB1D I'm gonna be honest I do not know any women who look at an attractive person and immediately think about sex, that's not really what attraction is, it's more of a physical feeling tbh. Before realising I was a lesbian I never thought about sex with girls, I usually just thought I really wanted to be their friend and hold their hand and be near them and stuff, or I just looked at them and thought they were really really pretty. I still do not think about sex when I see attractive girls, especially when it's in person. I usually just want to look at them a lot
"whatever you find in there, you should be proud"
Hannah why you gotta be making me cry like this?
I came out as gay at 18 and then bi at 20 and honestly now at 24 I don't even know. I know labels aren't anything, but it would be nice to not be as confused. Thank you for making this video Hannah xxx
i personally have found a lot of comfort in actually labelling myself /as/ questioning. for me it's been really good to have one word to say: i don't know, but that's okay and i don't need to know now or even ever. & sometimes i will call myself queer without specifying further as a kind of 'fuck you you don't get to put me in a smaller box than this'. and this should go without saying but of course you dont need to use those if theyre not for you! but i just wanted to share in case it helps in any way
@@rowan4684 I love the idea of this, it's so true
@@rowan4684 I've been default-straight, ace, and now I'm going with questioning. Feels right for me right now. Puts the confusion to rest/relax.
*My main problem with the rainbow argument is that every single reason they give to try and justify it can be used for every other sexual scenario too.*
*Two consenting adults: Adultery is between two consenting adults.*
*It's found in the animal kingdom: Pee...dough...feel ya and rayp are also found in the animal kingdom.*
*It's not a choice: Neck...row.. feel...ya is a men-tall diz-order therefore not a choice*
*It can be safe if you use protection: N...sest can be "safe" if you use protection*
*Love is love no matter who it's for: So if you want to love someone's lover, it's all good?*
i learned about the term comphet a few months ago and it has been SO illuminating to me in my reflections and self-image. am i even attracted to men, or did i just assume i had to be? it's been incredibly freeing to have a name for the system that influences my experiences. just knowing about comphet reduces its power, i think.
i also really like the observation that people who aren't heterosexual are the only ones who ever really have to interrogate their sexuality. i spend so much time and energy thinking about my sexuality, and straight people just... don't. wild.
I see the same things said for gender. In general, if you own a privilege/well resourced in a situation, you don't naturally spend much time thinking about it - race, ability, orientation, attraction, gender, food (eg. allergies), money, family, class (working/middle/..), ... Did an exercise at a Stonewall Bi Empowerment training day that was enlightening for all of us, that showed the less we thought/worried about an aspect of our lives, the more privilege we had there.
Great video. I've spent my whole life assuming that I'll find my prince charming till thirty. I used to attribute my lack of interest and enthusiasm to my youth and stupidity. Guess who woke up one day as a 30 years old lesbian.
YOU DID!! 💛
Gosh Hannah, have you read my mind?! This entire "never really thinking about your sexual orientation or desires" has been on my mind a lot lately. I've come to the realization that I might actually be a bit bi though I'm in a longterm commited hetero relationship. It is quite strange, because I've never had a girlfriend or really made out with another women but putting myself into the straight box just always felt a bit wrong. It's something I think about more now and how that actually affect me. Comphet man, it gets to ya!
I didn't even know I was bisexual for most of my life. It was only when I actually discovered the word "bisexual" did I start to consider that I might feel that way. I hadn't even considered it until I learned there was a way I coild identify other than straight
"Pride is the opposite of shame"
Uncle Iroh has a few things to say about that...
Very true, although I would argue that he was referencing a different kind of pride
I thought of the exact same thing. Pride is not the opposite of shame, but it’s source.
I defintely agree with the concept of just accepting you're straight without considering other options. Definitely something I see in myself, only more recently evolving to consider the fact that just because I'm a cis woman who likes men, doesn't mean I have to ONLY like men
I also think this plays into the idea that boys bully girls "because they fancy them". That idea really messed me up - I ended up feeling like being desired by men was inherently dangerous, because I had been told repeatedly by the adults around me that the boys who were bullying me and I KNEW were trying to hurt me were doing it "because they fancied me" (the girls bullying me were always "jealous" because clearly everything is about how sexually attractive you are as a just barely pubescent girl, ugh)
It used to really bug me that people would always be asking me who I fancied and never really believed me when I said no one. I can only remember one occasion when someone thought to ask me if I was into girls when I said that I didn't fancy any boys, and honestly I hadn't really considered it at that point in time because I also assumed that I must be Het. I was absolutely terrified of boys finding me attractive (and hardly ever found anyone attractive myself) but I still assumed that I would be happily married to a man someday.
As it so happens I am happily married to a man and now identify as Grey Asexual and maybe bi? I'm pretty certain I'm Grey A (not just traumatised by the whole bullying thing), but when I first came across the concept of CompHet I did a lot of soul searching to try and figure out if I am actually attracted to my husband (my only romantic/sexual relationship). I ended up concluding that I was, it is just that sexual attraction and interest is something that I only feel sometimes as I swing back and forwards along the Asexual axis . Still not sure if I'm attracted to girls or not, sexual attraction is just such a slippery, ephemeral feeling for me (asking Allosexual people what it is like to be their orientation on the homosexual/heterosexual axis really doesn't help figuring it out either). I'm just so frustrated that people assume that I'm sexual, but at the same time there is a kind of relief that comes from being in an apparently hetero-normative relationship because I mostly don't have to deal with the questions or the being hit on so much anymore. Tbh I'm not sure if I really want to figure out if I'm Bi or not because LGBT identities are so often heavily sexualized and I would really like people to stop sexualizing me please. Here's to a world where people don't assume other people's sexual identities.
Compulsory Heterosexuality is definitely played a HUGE part in me not knowing I was gay AF at an earlier age. I was never told any other "option" in life. Well done for breaking this down and educating, Hannah....as always! Happy Pride Month!
"and whatever you find in there, you should be proud" wow I'm genuinely crying I really needed that thank you Hannah
this was an amazing video, hannah! i found out about compulsory heterosexuality over a year ago and it has lead to me have some mini crises especially being a bi woman who prefers woman. i don't *think* i'm a lesbian but honestly....who knows what will happen in the future. saying that, a lot of stuff in this video really hit me and made a lot of sense to me. like the fact i didn't realise i was bi until i was 17, but when i look back at how i was when i was younger it's so obvious that i am. also the fact that before i realised that about myself whenever i saw a picture of a super attractive woman i would feel guilt and shame. my mind has been blown by the fact as well that straight people NEVER question their sexuality or why they feel the way they do???
This made me smile so much, IT ME. I realized only in my 20's that when I was younger I was already into girls, but because I never saw any lesbians in real life (not including porn here.. 'cause lets be real - it didn't teach me anything good), nobody talked about the option of not-being-straight, that I just assumed it was a phase and that it was just a really good friend who I loved very much. The fact that I wanted to smoosh booties with her got knocked out of my brain. And that is in spite of having no obvious "anti-LGTQ+" voices around me. I simply had no idea being not-straight is an option.
Here I am, years later, tons of TH-cam later, knowing that if only it was culturally appropriate to talk about sexuality in a fluid way (curse 2000' sex-ed), I would have been pan and proud from when I was literally a child.
God, thanks for bringing up comphet being a gay male issue too! I always figured it was only for lesbians, despite constantly feeling bad for not liking women when all my friends and everyone around me did!
All my life I thought that finding women pretty was normal for a het woman. I convinced myself that I envied their looks, or just admired them. Took so long to even think of the possibility of being bi. Now, when looking up cute hairstyles/clothes/makeup on pinterest I have to actively consider if I like the hair/clothes/makeup for me, or if I just find the women cute haha.
I 'came out' to my mom when she was saying (years ago) that she was glad that she didn't have to worry about how the world would treat me and my sister since we were straight and I was like 'err.. but i'm not really...' and my sister responded 'yeah.. I'm bi too, though.'. It was the first time it was ever mentioned in my household, since me and my sister are in het relationships but in that moment I just realized that.. I do like girls too.
I realized I was bisexual at 20 years old, despite going to a historically womens college and having many gay friends that admit they thought I was gay when they met me. They saw the gay in me before I did, and that's on comp het.
Love this! I 100% agree that anyone, even straight people should be questioning at some point and always keeping an open mind. Back when it was released your video with Ash about flexibility really helped me. I had my first crush on a girl at 26, and I always swore to myself I wouldn't go against the flow if I felt like something could happen.
Thank you for this video! 🌷 The more I hear people talking about their different sexualities the more I started thinking about myself and I found some interesting things
This is I think is one of yours most informative videos adressing sexuality and society. If anyone ever asks me about why compulsary heteresexuality is a problem, I'm just gonna send them this. Thank you for this! especially in times like this.
HECK YES !! Thanks for the great vid, Hannah! I'd be thinking about doing a post on comphet for a while and you crushed it!
Aw thanks Eva! That means a lot ☺️☺️
Yes, yes, yes! Thank your for covering this!!! CompHet is exactly why I struggled so long and still struggle to “define”. Happy Pride! ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜🖤🤍
It happens the other way round too these days. If you deviate in any way from the "norm" people assume that you are gay or lesbian or whatever and even try to pressure you into admitting it even if you are aromantic or asexual or simply don't want to be in a relationship or reproduce . Just ask anyone who isn't married with kids by a certain age.
i’ve never seen comphet talked about as a concept as oppression, only as an experience non-straight people feel! this was really educational (you do learn something new every day!) and i’m surprised i haven’t seen it explained this way before! thanks hannah ♥️
I've always wondered why straight always seemed to be the norm but this is amazing and I would never have thought about it
Finally accepted that I’m lesbian after years of thinking that I was just picky with men. I’m not picky with anyone, I just don’t view men as attractive or someone I’d want a relationship with.
Thank you so much for the video, and especially that last minute and a half. I came out as bi a while ago, and this year started identifying as ace instead, so I've definitely had to question myself a lot. It's really scary to "change" such a big part of your identity, how you think of yourself, internally. That "cookie-cutter" experience of grow up, get married to a person of the "opposite" gender and have kids, doesn't fit me, and it took a long time to realize that, but I'm lucky enough that I live here and now when it's coming to light, thanks to representation and people like you.
💛💛💛
I remember a couple of years ago I started to question what I was. While I'm definitely a deviant by the standards of comphet, I can most certainly say I'm heterosexual. I spent time considering wether or not I was bi or homosexual, but the conclusion is hetero.
I think the comphet thing is very vanilla, and is also wrapped up in very standardized gender roles. So if you fall into certain kinks or feel more comfortable with non-traditional relationship dynamics, it can still really affect you, even if you are hetero.
@@MRuby-qb9bd Totally. It's a system engineered to make everyone's sex lives conform to the same ideals. And I've always been against systems forcing people to conform.
Love this video. So well explained and a really great take on pride from someone straight who doesnt just want to speak on behalf of the experiences of others.
I’m familiar with heteronormativity but I had never heard of comphet before, even as a bisexual woman. But it definitely makes sense to me and my experience. It’s why I’m mostly open but still afraid to reiterate my sexuality to people that I’ve already come out to or to come out to anyone new, why I even have to reiterate my sexuality and come out in the first place, why I can pass as straight because I look a certain way or talk about certain things more than others, why I questioned my sexuality for a long time before finding an identity, and why I had to really to think about all this in the first place. Thanks for this enlightening video. I really feel like I should read the essays mentioned now.
And there's my explanation for why I didn't realize I was bi until I was 17 years old (even though I was fantasizing about women since I was thirteen). Great video, I really short but informative!
I think that's why so much internalised homophobia exists because (to me) in a word like comphet exists, it just seems easier to get by, without having to come out etc - and it's easier to just pretend than face reality.
This pride month has taught me so much about the internalised fear that I've had for far too long, thank you for this :)
Being a straight male, yes. The first 15 seconds are perfect
I was bisexual for about 4 years, and I only had a few real life boy crushes. The last male crush I had (8th grade) made me realize that boys are too hard to come by, then I had a real and FIRST relationship which was a girl in 9th grade... (I'm a 11th grader now).
Recently I've come to realize that I'm actually lesbian. After coming out to my mom about being lesbian (shes very supportive), I feel like I have to prove to her that I'm into girls.
She did say something the next day about how sex is a powerful thing and that one day I might get curious and sleep with a man.
It hurt my ego a lot, and this was a few weeks ago. I didnt know what comphet was yet around that time.
So for weeks, I've been kind of on and off... I know I'm a lesbian (not experienced) and that girls are what I'm attracted to. And having crushes on fictional male characters doesnt help it.
So I'm in a twist.
You don't have to worry about knowing exactly what your sexual orientation is. You can just accept that you're gay but you might like guys, or you might not. It's a spectrum
comphet is the thing that made me think i was bi for the longest time and still made me question myself once i’d realised that i’m a lesbian. it means a lot to me that you made this video, more people need to know about this issue!
I'm glad to see someone talking about this! Comphet is something I struggled with more than I realised, I thought I *must* be bi/pan for so long just because boys are seen as a girl thing. It didn't really cross my mind that I wasn't actually attracted to men I just wanted to have someone and I was told it had to be a man. I got really into some women being subordinate to men kinks because I was that deep into comphet. I was so deep I was into the kink of men forcing me into a sexual relationship with them.
I look back now and it's so obvious I was a lesbian the whole time
thank you for making this! as a bisexual woman, this explains aloootttt. I was aware of this sort of notion prior to watching, but I'd never had a name for it, i'm glad to have one now, will definitely be researching further about this!
Such a fantastic video! Comphet is a HUGE issue in the aromantic and asexual communities. I've run into so many "you should just grin and bear it" arguments from people in my life who try to offer me with they GENUINELY think are helpful solutions to the fact that we live in a world that is so much easier to navigate for monogamous coupled (specifically heterosexual) people. Comphet is that constant running argument in your head of "how bad would it really be to live your life in a way that is not authentic to you because it's what's expected of you." Comphet goes beyond keeping people from realizing they're not straight, it makes the argument for knowing you're not straight and pursuing heterosexuality anyway.
"And whatever you find in there, you should be proud"
Ok, I FINALLY can say to straight people why being a straight proud in our culture is nonsense. I usually struggled to think about a clear way to say why and DAMN, now I will struggle no more.
Thanks!
Also, I usually thought about heteronormativity and compulsory heterosexuality being more or less the same thing. I now can think about the differences.
Hannah! I looove this video! I want to share it with absolutely everyone!!!! I have a problem putting what I feel into words, especially around these kinds of topics and you say everything I’m thinking about so beautifully and eloquently!!! I was like shaking my head and agreeing with you outloud whilst watching this video! It’s such an important video topic and the points you made are incredible and important and true. Thank you for making this video!!! Like I said, you truly put my thoughts into words in such a wonderful way!
Wow, this hit really close to home, especially the part where you said people who aren't straight can be made to think that they are just because of compulsory heterosexuality. That was me until I was 17 (!) and finally started to accept that I was a completely gay man. Would have been useful to know that there were other options that weren't treated as undesirable or less worthy than heterosexuality! Even now, at 20, I still struggle with feeling the need to be as masculine as I can, because that's the wish of society.
I've identified as pan and non-binary for a good few years now, and up until 9 minutes and three seconds ago, I was still thinking of het as the 'normal' and 'default' sexuality.
Great video Hannah. I think I just learned that majority does not have to dictate norms. What a morning 🏳️🌈
This resounds so much with me. I'm a bi cis women and I didn't know it until a good straight friend if mine said one day, " You know you're gay, right?" I just blankley stared at him. He was right. I needed someone to give me the "room" to be myself. I will always be grateful to him for now I don't feel so squished. That compulsory Heterosexual Box is really cramped and small.
This is such a good video and I will share it with everyone!!
I thought this video was AWESOME so I tried to share it to my Facebook page... after a few hours I noticed no likes or comments. Seemed odd. Turned out it didn’t post to news feed, just my timeline. Suspicious... so I copied the link into a normal post and that did post to feed, BUT when people tried to view the video it came up as “RESTRICTED” 😶😶😶 shared a different, very vanilla video and it worked fine! This is one of the BEST videos you have posted about sexuality and it is being silenced!!! Honestly I’m beside myself here. Wondering if anyone else has noticed this.
Great way to contribute to Pride month as someone not in the community.
Also, many many thanks for the consistent and continued subtitling of your channel!
I've labeled myself as bisexual ever since I was 13 because I am severely attracted to women, would love to grow old with a woman, fantasize about writing longing and pining letters to women, and can never imagine having a partner whom I call "my boyfriend/husband" but I also think male celebrities can be hot. so I just wanna say that thinking that guys look good doesn't make you automatically attracted to them! after reading more about comphet I realised im a BIG lesbian. It took six years to discover my own sexuality and it's ok if it changes as sexuality if fluid!!xx
Thank you SO much for talking about this Hannah!! If I’d known about comphet when I was questioning then I’d have figured out my sexuality loads earlier. There can never be enough awareness about this kind of stuff :)
I really loved this video. I was actually aware of comp het, I feel like its a term that people might discuss particularly in the bi community because there's often this big assumption made by society that if you are attracted to an 'opposite' gender then you must be straight. But even beyond that, I think there's actually a kind of pervasive (and very destructive) societal idea that you just shouldn't question your sexuality if that's the case, as if there is an element of choice about it, and you should chose to be 'normal'. I've just scrolled down and yes it does look like there are a lot of fellow bisexuals in the comments!
Thank goodness there's still sanity on TH-cam! Thanks Hannah!
This was such a well constructed video that addresses such a complex issue and the impacts it has across literally everyone’s lives.
I really loved this video, Hannah! you're the best for educating people in these kinds of matters. If you're into topics like these, I recommend you looking for some Anthropological essays on gender, sex, and more. Social and cultural anthropology offers so much of that and really dismantle everything that has been implanted and forced into our brains while growing up through examples and analysis of cultural differences and diversity that prove gender roles, gender, sex and much more are concepts established and imposed by western culture through colonization and conquests over the last centuries.
Thank you Hannah for this video. I didn’t realise how deep it goes. I have massive internalised homophobia and just thinkin* that when I grow up then I’ll be “normal” and “find a man and fall in love and have kids” even though I know that it probably won’t happen. It scares me that because of comphet that I’ll just “get out of my phase” and be “normal” even though there is no normal. Thank you again
OH HELL YES this video was so interesting. I had never really thought about this concept but when you started explaining it I was like this is actually mindblowing
I think women in particular are presented the idea from a young age that we will grow up and meet our “Prince Charming”, our “Mr Right” and have this fairytale romance - in Disney films, in books, in Rom Coms. Something that I have personally struggled with is applying that same fantasy of romance to a lesbian relationship. Just one example of why, thanks to Compulsory Heterosexuality, I still scrutinise my sexuality. Even after 12 years of being ‘out’ as a lesbian.
Yes. Comp Het should be challenged. It hurts hetero men just as much as anyone else, just diiferently.
We hetero men get messages that if we're not Chads, we're poor excuses for men. Without Comp Het we'd feel free to relate to people as people, not as potential conquests.
Not only that but language itself is gendered , I find this theory just contradictory.
I am (as far as I know) heterosexual and -romantic cis woman. I feel damn lucky that I needed to question that, since I'm feminine-aesthetic. Aesthetically, feminine presenting people are just gorgeous for me. But interestingly it puts them in my head automatically to friend zone. "Oh my god. What a beautiful person!" -> "I want to be friends with them." Think pattern take a while to understand, since this is not the most typical think pattern to have.
Since I needed to question myself, I understand way better other people than before the questioning phase of my life. And I'm happy I had that phase. I want to stand with you all and be proud of you.
5:23-6:00 exactly. I was simultaneously accepting of my attraction to women, while feeling like these feelings could never be acted on with the people in my life and environment because everyone in my inner circle are always assumed to be straight. So despite my feelings, I still thought I was straight/would end up marrying a man no matter what I felt.
to me i've always thought about the systemic/societal pressure to be hetero as heteronormativity, and the emotional/internal pressure/confusion caused by heteronormativity as comphet! but either way they obviously go very much hand in hand.
speaking as a lesbian, i think something important to know about comphet is how it stays with you on a personal level for SO LONG. i just had my 10 year coming out-aversary and i've been extremely comfortable in my identity and sexuality for many years now - but every now and then there's this voice in the back of my mind popping in saying maybe a relationship / sex with men would be a good idea. when it, to me, would be a ridiculously horrible idea. and that voice would bring so much confusion, discomfort and shame, even if it's just the briefest thought. and i know this isn't a rare occurrence amongst other lesbians either. to me that seems like the biggest display of comphet with people a long time after coming out, as opposed to the early days before you're sure about everything when it can be more doubting yourself and your feelings, and "making" yourself having crushes on your guy friends or especially Unattainable Guys.
Thank you. For the video. It has given me answers that I am looking for. I think it is very, very valuable. I'm going to share it.
I am also a part of the LGBTQIA+ community. Thanks to your video, I feel better and I know better what we're up against. I am so against any negative behavior when it comes to personal characteristics. I give you love ❤. And anybody should be able to feel safe with being and expressing who they are.
Comphet can also be a reason (obv not the only reason, sexuality is a complicated spectrum, for some people it's more fluid than others, etc) that some people first come out as bi before coming out as gay/lesbian - there's just so much pressure to be attracted to people of the opposite gender that it can be hard to work through that that's just not working for you.
Also, as a lesbian, it's good that, at least in the communities I'm in, we're moving away from the concept of a "gold star lesbian" (never dated/had sex with a man). Comphet is a hell of a drug, and we shouldn't be dragging each other down over it.
loved this video!!! as someone who is always questioning my sexuality and gender expression is crazy to realise that straight people don't do that at all.
thank you so much for making this video and being an amazing ally!!
I wanted to say that I feel like you did a really good job on this video. It feels really well researched and informative, carefully thought out and accessible, with positive vibes too. I hadn't heard of comphet before so this was really educational for me and has opened my eyes a little. Thanks for the great video!
I’ve never dealt with much long term internalized homophobia, pretty much as soon as I identified that I was attracted to women I remember thinking “oh that’s chill too”
I didn’t have any issue accepting my attraction to women, but I spent a year telling myself that I was bi because I had spent my entire childhood being told in order to be happy I have to like men. It took some time to realize that maybe my not being attracted to men meant I’m not attracted to men
This definitely gives me a lot to think about. I currently identify as bisexual but I've been wondering lately whether I'm just afraid of what people will think of me. It's almost like the idea of a boyfriend is comforting because it would make me feel more secure and normal. Do I actually think men are hot or is that just what I want to believe? Way more questions than answers here
I am very glad that my parents raised me in such a positive manner that heterosexuality was never really imposed on me, to the point that my mom actually picked up on the fact I had a big fat crush on one of my female best friend and said, without me having come out or anything that it would totally be okay for me to date a girl or whoever I chose to date ^^
YES QUEEN 👏 thank you for discussing this in an easy to understand way
This has come up at an important time for me. I came out as demisexual last year and since then I've spent a lot of time looking back on past experiences when people assumed I was gay, not interested in a relationship, or assumed I was too shy to get a girlfriend when I was young. None of these things were true yet I now realise what was happening was "comphet"
I'm heterosexual too. My only experience with comphet is just not wanting to be in a relationship but feeling that pressure because "oh by the age of 25 you need all your life figured out!!" I'm 24 with a college degree, in grad school plan on moving to NYC in the near future and attending law school. So I don't have the full experience of comphet and never really questioned my sexually. I just knew I had that attraction towards men I just don't give a damn about dating lol. So I like taking my time and love will find me 🥰