Dr. Tom, I have a question. How would you suggest a type 2 (me) address the constant criticisms coming from a type 1 (roommate)? I hesitate because I know he's a 1 and I don't want to come off as another critic, but his constant judgements are really getting to me. Is it possible to address something like this in a video? Thank you!
I don't think you can be any worse than his own critic. So long as you're clear, firm and kind (as is possible) then 👍, can't guarantee the outcome but at least it'll be off your chest and you'll get some kind of feedback to give you more perspective on what you want to do after that.
Hey! I'm a type 1, so I'll say -- be gentle. We are constantly criticizing ourselves, what you're getting is a fraction of how much we beat ourselves up. It feels like piling on when people criticize us. So, be as kind and gentle in your approach as possible. Bring up how it makes you feel, because 1s can relate to feeling uncomfortable under other's criticism.
I say express what you want/need clearly and specifically. Don't beat around the bush, and don't focus on the what's wrong so much as what you want them to do instead. -1w9
I just want to say that taking offense to something can be very complex, and while I know the world is not black-and-white I think it’s important to disclaimer that there are people who are truly toxic and taking offense, isn’t necessarily an indication of a fixed personality state, but I love all the comments and you’re spot on I love all the videos.
As a 1, I don’t so much mind you criticizing us, but why do you want us to change so badly? Think about it, if everybody was a 1 there would be a lot less crime, all bills would be paid on time, all spaces would be clean and everyone would show up on time for everything. Admit it, the people in your life that you can depend on the most are all Ones!!
Order is subjective, keeping with responsibilities is necessary but priorities look different for all people. Also right and wrong is based on personal morality.
The one's reforming superpower, if you will, becomes an unbearable burden. The point is to break out of the restraints of our types to be healthier people.
@@yeahh267 Order is not subjective. It’s based on criteria that support a specific goal. If a train runs 15 minutes late, people are not thinking, “Well, it wasn’t late for me.” They agree that it did not meet its time target. The individual determination that is subjective is whether you want to meet a certain target. Also, there are values and morality that are widely enough held to be enforced. For example, people shouldn’t impose their beliefs, people shouldn’t murder, etc. Putting up viewpoints like people should impose their beliefs, people should murder, etc. on the same level and saying it’s all subjective and therefore meaningless is just a way to avoid accountability for harmful behavior. It’s also disingenuous and intellectually lazy. Obviously this is a simplification to make a point, so there’s no need to get into whataboutisms. Also, just because morality is subjective doesn’t mean you can’t hold people accountable to their own standards by checking for consistency. For example, a person can virtue signal on social media about about how employers should not exploit people, and then in their personal/dating life that same person exploits people for money, attention, sexual gratification, etc. No integrity at all.
Um... as a 2 married to a 1 I can say that it depends on how DEVELOPED the 1 is. They can be very driven to do and get things done however NEGELECT the important details cause they're SO FOCUSED on doing and being the best ignoring the parts they're not good at and need to get better at. AVOIDANCE on accepting where you're NOT prefect can actually be way more better than just DEMANDING and CRITICIZING how imperfect it is and attacking it. Just gradually give yourself and everyone around you some grace so you can work on being GRADUALLY better. NOT PERFECT cause nothing will EVER be
I was getting to know a 1 (I'm a type 4w3) and he took all my humor (teasing) as serious criticisms. I was not aware of how sensitive ones are to criticism, big mistake. Also revealing my vulnerabilities got read as imperfections and baggage. I would like to say idealism is common between 1s and 4s but ones seem to go to extremes to make it a reality ignoring how everyone has their imperfections and they are not necessarily wrong.
You are the one who thought me about the sub types of each type . I was always confused whether i'm a 1 or not because i didn't relate to the general idea of being a 1 . That's because i'm a self-preservation 1 . I used to read about social 1s as if i'm reading about someone who i don't know at all . + i'm an si dom (istj) My full personality is istj 1w9 sp/so Which is very different from istj so1 or sx or whatever So when you talk about 1s in general , it doesn't make sense ! Because the subtypes are very different + can be related to different way of thinking . I think it's obvious but it's okay i'm gonna give an examplr about type 6 Socil 6s follow rules to be safe Sexual 6s break rules to be safe The concept is integrity but look how ! Wish every body think about this
As a 5w4 I like to have conversations with people where we look at out beliefs from different angles and dismantle peoples ideas. I find it hard with 9s and 1s in my life because sometimes the 9s think this is conflict and aviod talking with me and sometimes the 1 gets very frustrated at me when I do this. Any advice for this problem? I am also only in year 8 so I am not sure if some of the types are different as kids or not.
I’m a type 9: I usually do avoid people who argue about belief systems mostly because I don’t care enough to try to change another persons beliefs. 9s accept most things as they are unless it’s something that’s really hurting others. We act on stuff that matters highly. We don’t like things being imposed on us and we don’t like imposing on others. Personally I don’t see the point of arguing with someone cause I’m content letting someone believe whatever they want as long as it’s not effecting me and negatively effecting others
As a 1, I get frustrated when we both talk as though there is one right way or belief, and I come across that more with 5s. It may be because we both have that tendency.
Hey! I remember when I was in year 8 as an enneagram 1 (almost 10 years ago) I must admit that it was incredibly difficult to listen to people with whom I shared no interest with. My best bet is that if you wish to converse with a 1, find some common ground and after a fair bit of time you could show the 1 why you’re pretty cool to be around and they may do the same to you. My partner is a 5 and although we share the ability to converse, we have huge differences in opinions but it really does take a lot of growing on both parts. Time is your best friend to help understand yourself and those around you, and I applaud you for finding an interest in this so early! Hope this helps! 😊
"Return" is funny to me. That implies that's our normal state. I have experienced observing and letting that voice pass so rarely I can think of 3 times. As a 1, I very much know what needs to happen to improve and make my life better, I struggle with the practical application of how when it's such an abstract concept to me.
I feel like as a One that criticism is hard to take, even if it’s given as critique, because I’m already trying the best I know how to do my work. It’s especially hard when the standards are not black and white, but based on feel and personal opinion. Like how can I ever measure up and know I’m doing well if the standards aren’t solid?
I find many type 1's hard to get along with. And ive been told I get along with most people. But some 1's(perhaps unhealthy 1's) are so unpleasant... An example of a unhealthy one is Beverly Keane from the Netflix show, Midnight Mass. When I serve them to taste their own medicine for criticism. They get even more frustrated. As a freedom respecting loving 7w6 or a 6w7, mind your business, I'd say, or get served your own medicine of criticism. 😅 I perceive 1's to have a stick up their butt and I'm the guy who tries to remove that stick or wriggle it. 🤣🤣🤣🤣
As a 1w9, 7s are both the people I admire most, and the people most frustrating to work with. And I think it's rooted in jealousy. Jealousy that you don't seem to have that harsh critic always so loud in your head.
@@blank_notyou That's the thing though. I don't go around criticising people, in fact, I try to see the best in people whenever possible(ENFP), unless they're constantly on my back. Or ruining the mood by being overly critical. As an assertive 7 type. If you're gonna dish out criticism constantly, be prepared to get it served back. It's only fair. 🤷🏻♂️ As the saying goes, do unto others what you want done to yourself. For a personal example, I had a '1' group leader who had no chill, couldn't laugh at herself at all and I didn't get along with her despite me being well liked by everyone else in the group. She always took things so seriously with no regard for being warm to others. She was hyper fixated in doing things her way as the only way to run things. And it was often cold and overly formal. Probably an unhealthly ISTJ.
Wow, 1s (ISTJ) with lines to 7 (ENFP) & 4 (INFP/ISFP)! Ne/Fi is brought up the function stack for 1! 8s bark at others; 1s bark at themselves. 1s ask, “What needs to be done?” Laugh at yourself and don’t take things so seriously.
I have yet to meet a type 1 that I get along well with... I've got an aunt, brother, stepmother, and friend who I think are all type 1s. Sometimes they seem to be so focused on what they think I'm doing wrong, that it gets in the way of our relationship. I feel like they don't see me, they only see what they believe are faults and shortcomings in me. I know I'm broken, and I know I have problems, but I wish they could just be a friend without constantly trying to fix me. (Btw, I'm a sx 7 with an almost equal 6-wing.) Also, I don't mean to offend anybody reading this who is a 1... 🙂💙 this is just my experience with 1s. Hopefully this gives you some insight on how it can feel for others when you're super focused on trying to make them a better version of themselves. (Take the rest of this comment with a grain of salt... I'm by no means a sage. 😅) To any 1s reading this, just remember... I think it's okay to be a work in progress. 😊 That goes for both you and your friends. It's not necessarily that we don't care about growth... sometimes we just are growing in our own way and at our own pace. Sometimes God is working on us in ways that aren't visible to you. My advice for trying to help your friends be better versions of themselves is, it's okay to talk to them about their faults and how they can improve, but be sensitive to how your words make them feel... when your every interaction with them is about their faults and what you think they should be doing differently, it can make them feel like crap. Also, what you believe is right may not actually be right, or it may not be the right thing for them... none of us knows everything. So I would encourage you to not just decide that they are immoral or foolish simply for disagreeing with you or seeing things differently. And if they do disagree, try to look past it and still see them and love them as a person, and respect their freedom to disagree with you.
Oh my!! I have been on the receiving end of this so many times! I have a 'one' friend who is a good person, but whenever I spend time with her I feel like I'm being evaluated by her standards of perfection and she is putting red marks all over my paper. I have gone through some tough things and I'd like to get some credit for what I'm doing right. I have a couple friends who love me unconditionally (like God does) and it gives me strength rather than feeling discouraged. I believe that I need to be open to corrections, but not petty little things that are simply preferences. I love this in your comment, "respect their freedom to disagree with you" --respect is a huge part of a healthy relationship.
It’s incredible how you, as a 7, can speak about the 1 with so much compassion and understanding. Like you could look into our thoughts.
Dr. Tom, I have a question. How would you suggest a type 2 (me) address the constant criticisms coming from a type 1 (roommate)? I hesitate because I know he's a 1 and I don't want to come off as another critic, but his constant judgements are really getting to me. Is it possible to address something like this in a video? Thank you!
I don't think you can be any worse than his own critic. So long as you're clear, firm and kind (as is possible) then 👍, can't guarantee the outcome but at least it'll be off your chest and you'll get some kind of feedback to give you more perspective on what you want to do after that.
@@cmtm5108 That sounds fair and reasonable, thank you for advice. 🙂
Hey! I'm a type 1, so I'll say -- be gentle. We are constantly criticizing ourselves, what you're getting is a fraction of how much we beat ourselves up. It feels like piling on when people criticize us. So, be as kind and gentle in your approach as possible. Bring up how it makes you feel, because 1s can relate to feeling uncomfortable under other's criticism.
@@graceoneil3730 Thank you for the insight!
I say express what you want/need clearly and specifically. Don't beat around the bush, and don't focus on the what's wrong so much as what you want them to do instead.
-1w9
I just want to say that taking offense to something can be very complex, and while I know the world is not black-and-white I think it’s important to disclaimer that there are people who are truly toxic and taking offense, isn’t necessarily an indication of a fixed personality state, but I love all the comments and you’re spot on I love all the videos.
Haven't watched yet, but I am a 1 and live with two 4s and two 8s. Pray for me.
Ohhhhh maannnnnnn lol...how is that?
@@meganpitt lots of arguing. Haha. I try to stay out of it when possible. I want harmony, but it is just chaos.
I am praying for you! The 8 living with my lovely 5&1 🥰
As a 1, I don’t so much mind you criticizing us, but why do you want us to change so badly? Think about it, if everybody was a 1 there would be a lot less crime, all bills would be paid on time, all spaces would be clean and everyone would show up on time for everything. Admit it, the people in your life that you can depend on the most are all Ones!!
Order is subjective, keeping with responsibilities is necessary but priorities look different for all people. Also right and wrong is based on personal morality.
The one's reforming superpower, if you will, becomes an unbearable burden. The point is to break out of the restraints of our types to be healthier people.
@@yeahh267 Order is not subjective. It’s based on criteria that support a specific goal. If a train runs 15 minutes late, people are not thinking, “Well, it wasn’t late for me.” They agree that it did not meet its time target. The individual determination that is subjective is whether you want to meet a certain target.
Also, there are values and morality that are widely enough held to be enforced. For example, people shouldn’t impose their beliefs, people shouldn’t murder, etc. Putting up viewpoints like people should impose their beliefs, people should murder, etc. on the same level and saying it’s all subjective and therefore meaningless is just a way to avoid accountability for harmful behavior. It’s also disingenuous and intellectually lazy. Obviously this is a simplification to make a point, so there’s no need to get into whataboutisms.
Also, just because morality is subjective doesn’t mean you can’t hold people accountable to their own standards by checking for consistency. For example, a person can virtue signal on social media about about how employers should not exploit people, and then in their personal/dating life that same person exploits people for money, attention, sexual gratification, etc. No integrity at all.
Um... as a 2 married to a 1 I can say that it depends on how DEVELOPED the 1 is. They can be very driven to do and get things done however NEGELECT the important details cause they're SO FOCUSED on doing and being the best ignoring the parts they're not good at and need to get better at. AVOIDANCE on accepting where you're NOT prefect can actually be way more better than just DEMANDING and CRITICIZING how imperfect it is and attacking it. Just gradually give yourself and everyone around you some grace so you can work on being GRADUALLY better. NOT PERFECT cause nothing will EVER be
It’s the self righteousness that makes you the villains
I was getting to know a 1 (I'm a type 4w3) and he took all my humor (teasing) as serious criticisms. I was not aware of how sensitive ones are to criticism, big mistake. Also revealing my vulnerabilities got read as imperfections and baggage. I would like to say idealism is common between 1s and 4s but ones seem to go to extremes to make it a reality ignoring how everyone has their imperfections and they are not necessarily wrong.
Love your way of teaching, maybe because I have a wing in 7 😊🦋
Love my #1 niece ✨🔆💛
You are the one who thought me about the sub types of each type . I was always confused whether i'm a 1 or not because i didn't relate to the general idea of being a 1 . That's because i'm a self-preservation 1 . I used to read about social 1s as if i'm reading about someone who i don't know at all .
+ i'm an si dom (istj)
My full personality is istj 1w9 sp/so
Which is very different from istj so1 or sx or whatever
So when you talk about 1s in general , it doesn't make sense ! Because the subtypes are very different + can be related to different way of thinking .
I think it's obvious but it's okay i'm gonna give an examplr about type 6
Socil 6s follow rules to be safe
Sexual 6s break rules to be safe
The concept is integrity but look how !
Wish every body think about this
Great advice! Thank you for sharing!
As a 5w4 I like to have conversations with people where we look at out beliefs from different angles and dismantle peoples ideas. I find it hard with 9s and 1s in my life because sometimes the 9s think this is conflict and aviod talking with me and sometimes the 1 gets very frustrated at me when I do this. Any advice for this problem? I am also only in year 8 so I am not sure if some of the types are different as kids or not.
I’m a type 9: I usually do avoid people who argue about belief systems mostly because I don’t care enough to try to change another persons beliefs. 9s accept most things as they are unless it’s something that’s really hurting others. We act on stuff that matters highly. We don’t like things being imposed on us and we don’t like imposing on others. Personally I don’t see the point of arguing with someone cause I’m content letting someone believe whatever they want as long as it’s not effecting me and negatively effecting others
As a 1, I get frustrated when we both talk as though there is one right way or belief, and I come across that more with 5s. It may be because we both have that tendency.
Hey! I remember when I was in year 8 as an enneagram 1 (almost 10 years ago) I must admit that it was incredibly difficult to listen to people with whom I shared no interest with. My best bet is that if you wish to converse with a 1, find some common ground and after a fair bit of time you could show the 1 why you’re pretty cool to be around and they may do the same to you. My partner is a 5 and although we share the ability to converse, we have huge differences in opinions but it really does take a lot of growing on both parts. Time is your best friend to help understand yourself and those around you, and I applaud you for finding an interest in this so early!
Hope this helps! 😊
"Return" is funny to me. That implies that's our normal state. I have experienced observing and letting that voice pass so rarely I can think of 3 times.
As a 1, I very much know what needs to happen to improve and make my life better, I struggle with the practical application of how when it's such an abstract concept to me.
This is good advice for an unhealthy type 1. As for higher levels of health, I would say this is pretty much common sense...
I feel like as a One that criticism is hard to take, even if it’s given as critique, because I’m already trying the best I know how to do my work. It’s especially hard when the standards are not black and white, but based on feel and personal opinion. Like how can I ever measure up and know I’m doing well if the standards aren’t solid?
Fine to see ya back and nope you need to meet the 5 points instead no 1..heeheehee welcome chez nous 🤣😁🥰😊🤭😂🤓
Hi! Thanks from Spain!!
I find many type 1's hard to get along with. And ive been told I get along with most people. But some 1's(perhaps unhealthy 1's) are so unpleasant... An example of a unhealthy one is Beverly Keane from the Netflix show, Midnight Mass. When I serve them to taste their own medicine for criticism. They get even more frustrated.
As a freedom respecting loving 7w6 or a 6w7, mind your business, I'd say, or get served your own medicine of criticism. 😅
I perceive 1's to have a stick up their butt and I'm the guy who tries to remove that stick or wriggle it. 🤣🤣🤣🤣
As a 1w9, 7s are both the people I admire most, and the people most frustrating to work with. And I think it's rooted in jealousy. Jealousy that you don't seem to have that harsh critic always so loud in your head.
Criticizing a 1 will make them more critical of you, especially in any way you may be hypocritical
@@blank_notyou That's the thing though. I don't go around criticising people, in fact, I try to see the best in people whenever possible(ENFP), unless they're constantly on my back. Or ruining the mood by being overly critical.
As an assertive 7 type. If you're gonna dish out criticism constantly, be prepared to get it served back. It's only fair. 🤷🏻♂️
As the saying goes, do unto others what you want done to yourself.
For a personal example, I had a '1' group leader who had no chill, couldn't laugh at herself at all and I didn't get along with her despite me being well liked by everyone else in the group. She always took things so seriously with no regard for being warm to others. She was hyper fixated in doing things her way as the only way to run things. And it was often cold and overly formal. Probably an unhealthly ISTJ.
I'm 1w2 and it's good to be bad))
Wow, 1s (ISTJ) with lines to
7 (ENFP) & 4 (INFP/ISFP)!
Ne/Fi is brought up the
function stack for 1!
8s bark at others; 1s bark at themselves.
1s ask, “What needs to be done?”
Laugh at yourself and don’t take things so seriously.
Avg 1s easily get bothered
I have yet to meet a type 1 that I get along well with... I've got an aunt, brother, stepmother, and friend who I think are all type 1s. Sometimes they seem to be so focused on what they think I'm doing wrong, that it gets in the way of our relationship. I feel like they don't see me, they only see what they believe are faults and shortcomings in me. I know I'm broken, and I know I have problems, but I wish they could just be a friend without constantly trying to fix me. (Btw, I'm a sx 7 with an almost equal 6-wing.)
Also, I don't mean to offend anybody reading this who is a 1... 🙂💙 this is just my experience with 1s. Hopefully this gives you some insight on how it can feel for others when you're super focused on trying to make them a better version of themselves.
(Take the rest of this comment with a grain of salt... I'm by no means a sage. 😅)
To any 1s reading this, just remember... I think it's okay to be a work in progress. 😊 That goes for both you and your friends. It's not necessarily that we don't care about growth... sometimes we just are growing in our own way and at our own pace. Sometimes God is working on us in ways that aren't visible to you.
My advice for trying to help your friends be better versions of themselves is, it's okay to talk to them about their faults and how they can improve, but be sensitive to how your words make them feel... when your every interaction with them is about their faults and what you think they should be doing differently, it can make them feel like crap.
Also, what you believe is right may not actually be right, or it may not be the right thing for them... none of us knows everything. So I would encourage you to not just decide that they are immoral or foolish simply for disagreeing with you or seeing things differently. And if they do disagree, try to look past it and still see them and love them as a person, and respect their freedom to disagree with you.
Oh my!! I have been on the receiving end of this so many times! I have a 'one' friend who is a good person, but whenever I spend time with her I feel like I'm being evaluated by her standards of perfection and she is putting red marks all over my paper. I have gone through some tough things and I'd like to get some credit for what I'm doing right. I have a couple friends who love me unconditionally (like God does) and it gives me strength rather than feeling discouraged. I believe that I need to be open to corrections, but not petty little things that are simply preferences. I love this in your comment, "respect their freedom to disagree with you" --respect is a huge part of a healthy relationship.
THIS! Now that is insight! Love it.
My numbers are a healthy 1-8-9. Is that normal to have 1 and 8 both?
Your tritype would have to come from each triad.