I relate so much , I’m also a short trans man with childish feminine features. Thankyou for this video and for sharing your experience, I hope it gets better and please don’t lose hope!!
Also, I think having a decorated room is way better than the boring 'more masculine and mundane' because of how much more you can express yourself. I think its sad that decoration is seen as a more feminine thing, because its awesome!!! (Your room looks cool to me i love the Beetlejuice poster)
That was very informative! First of all you be you ! No one else can comprehend exactly how you feel. Funilly I wasn't getting it either. Now I find that strange of me because I'm the loudest proudest Ally of anything lgbtq human rights type things I know to anyone that will listen and more that don't. Then I got it It's not for me to understand your feelings and situation, but to just be supportive. Somehow I feel I understand more by NOT knowing how you feel. Thanx for that. I wish you well on your journey ! ✨
I'm so sorry you're stuck in this situation, crawling in your skin, with no support from your family. Consider moving out as soon as you can afford to. For me it was a big step to start expressing myself with no extra pressure. Stay strong!
hey dude, 20 y/o mtf here, i relate to pretty much everything you said but in the opposite direction- i’ve known for about 6 years now and i know what it feels like to be where you are. i know it’s so incredibly hard, and every day feels like a mountain, but you *will* make it through, and one day you’ll get to live as a version of yourself you’d never dream was possible. i never thought i’d be able to truly see myself as a girl, especially since, in the complete opposite of your case, i’m 6’, broad shoulders, deep voice, super hairy, you name it. and even after i’ve been trying to transition for years, i still don’t pass at all and i’m still not on HRT, but i’ve finally made it to a point where if i really, really try with my outfit and makeup and hair, i can *maybe* convince myself i look pretty in a slightly feminine way. and that’s enough to keep me going, to keep believing that one day i’ll get there. and if i can do it, i know you can do it too. i know this probably sounds cheesy, but speaking from experience i know the hopelessness doesn’t last forever. wishing you all the best my man :)
Take note. A binder will never make you look completely flat, and it's not supposed to. If you have the right size (Always your actual size- dont size down, you will hurt yourself) it will do its job. Cis men are not completely flat. We all have chests. A binder is meant to contour your frame to tailor to your body and give it a more masc appearance. Some days we may want it flatter, but I can promise you, the binder is doing what is intended. Going too flat would look a bit odd. I know it's a dysphoria thing. Dysphoria warps or perception of self pretty intensely. It takes a lot of mental strength to self-reflect and figure out the truth of the situation. I'm a heavier guy. My binder will always help but i have a decent chest so sitting in it, I always feel like i need to adjust things but the more i thought about it, the more i realized "me in a cis male body would have the same amount of chest as i do in my binder" just based on my body type. If your binder is making you completely flat, it's probably too small (unless you were blessed with barely fitting into an A cup to begin with). Just my perspective on the matter. Something to think about so you can maybe explore what the binder is doing for you more and maybe you'll end up thinking about it in a better light in the future. Wishing the best for you on your journey. I know it's hard now but one day you will get to be you and love yourself and that is worth the time and effort alone
From one “short king” to another, you’re awesome and I hope you keep videos so you can look back one day and celebrate your glow up/transition. Keep your chin up.
man I felt the exact same way when I was 16, and now I'm 19 and it all feels like a bad dream looking back... If I could tell 16 year old me anything, I would say to just heckin go to the gym and eat a shit ton of protein lol. If you lift enough it will seriously transform your body, I know it's easier to gain muscle when you're on T but it's totally possible to do it without it, and it really helped me with my dysphoria, even chest because they start to read as pecs after awhile. If your brothers or dad go to the gym then you could try asking them to show you around it, my dad taught me and he wasn't very accepting of my transition at first but now all we talk about is lifting haha... Though it sounds like your parents are pretty difficult, my dad's side is also Catholic and they don't hate me, they're just kinda weird about it yk? But there are things you can try right now, the worst thing you can do is wait for your life to start, because it's already happening right now and it sucked knowing I spent so much time thinking there was nothing i could do. Also side note I personally love your hair it gives me metalhead vibes, I've been growing my hair out trying to get it like that xP (edit) also another thing is, if you like to sew at all or are open to picking that up, I like to tailor my clothes to fit my form better, so I'd recommend taking some old clothes and experimenting
So cool of you to share this. And you're not alone in this. It's so important to surround yourself with a supportive community. There are plenty of people out there who will genuinely see you as a boy even pre everything just because you let them know that you are one. But I trust you'll get there ☺
As another short trans masc, I feel you. I’m 5’2, and my height makes me super dysphoric. Also, this is some advice. You’re a man, regardless of what you look like. Regardless of what people tell you. You mentioned how you repress your identity, and try to force yourself to be a girl. I recommend two things. The first is joining a discord server with other trans masculine people in it. The second is to research queer repression. A really good movie that explores queer repression is I Saw The TV Glow. I really recommend watching it. That movie really changed my life, and forced me to accept myself, regardless of what society says. We only get one life, and it’s better to live authentically than pretending to be someone you’re not. Good luck on your journey, dude.
It does get better. I know how hard it is right hard, especially with family like that. I know it hurts right now but there's a community of people waiting to welcome you when you're capable of leaving the nest and spreading your wings. The community is far from perfect but there's a lot of amazing people in it.
Your story is valid and important. I relate a lotttt with hating the female/woman/feminine steriotypes projected onto me by others as a trans guy in my 20s. I still havent been able to get hrt as an adult bc of life circumstances but even so my life got so much better socially when i moved out and got away from my parents as an adult. I cannot tell you how much it means to me to have a support system and afferming friends. It gives me so much comfort to be with people who see and regaurd me as i want to be seen no matter what my body looks like. I even can wear pretty makeup and jewlery or pink and not be made fun of or invalidated for it. That may not be something you want in your gender presentation but i do and it makes me happy. Other times it doesnt but thats when we bring out the masc clothes and facial mascara lol. Also i reccomend 100% getting trans friends and find a trans support group in your area on facebook or discord or at a local community center because being around other people who understand what you are going through helps alot.
Things can get better. Gender Dysphoria is difficult. I wish things were better, more supportive, and accepting. I've seen so many older transgender men who take hormones, and they get so many testosterone sex characteristics that they look manly. I know that probably doesn't make things go away. I know how badly it hurts. It was courageous of you to share. It is strong of you to keep going. I see you. I accept you, and I know you are man. I wish you the best, dude.
As a trans woman, this is really interesting to listen to. Recently, I've been trying to accomplish the impossible task of understanding men. I wonder, does your hair length cause you dysphoria or do you just not care? For me it was like when I grew my hair out a lot of my dysphoria went away. The stuff about looking in the mirror and just wanting to scream and run is very relatable though.
@@Szymks it does cause me dysphoria from time to time and I do wish it was shorter but I also get dysphoria when I try to make it look short. I think this is due to the fact my long hair frames my face to be more masculine then when it is fully tuck away.
I gained a whole inch around 18-19, you might still grow. A small growth spurt around that age isn't uncommon in AFAB people. Anyway, short kings are great too.
I’m 18, AFAB, nonbinary, and I go by all pronouns, but I’m really starting to realize I might be transmasc. I feel so dysphoric every time the “she/her” piece is focused on, but I’ve been clinging to it because I’m scared of what might happen if I let it go. I’m so guilty of trying to force “girl” to appease others, be pretty for them... I almost feel like I just want to do something right, and if I can perform “girl” good enough, things might be okay…? I always end up going back to a more androgynous/masc presentation in the end. And the “he/him” never goes away. I relate to everything you described, and you’re not alone, dude. From the voice, to the performing “girl,” envying buff dudes, the foot size, loathing being shorter, being perceived as a “tomboy” or “butch” instead of what I am… It’s pain. I feel so hopeless sometimes. I wish I could wear makeup and stuff while still passing as male. :( I’m so jealous of he/they people, especially. Being enby makes it more confusing because I don’t even know where I stand on the binary at times… I can’t even guarantee that medically transitioning wouldn’t add a different kind of dysphoria into the mix-so that’s fun… Sending you support, dude.
For me, I’d rather be seen as butch rather than a femme woman. But my gender is a little fluid. I’m genderfaun. Which means my gender fluctuates between genders that aren’t feminine. Sometimes I’m enby, a demiguy, a d a trans guy. But I’m usually enby, and I still like to use the word lesbian to describe myself.
It breaks my heart hearing you struggle with so much dysphoria and not getting any support from your family. I relate so much to your experience of dysphoria and body issues (although inverted somewhat, as I'm transfem). Especially the voice! But luckily testosterone will help a lot for voice if you do eventually go that route. You could look very masculine later in life! I know it might not seem like there's much hope now, but you have a whole life ahead of you! There will be time. Look for trans support groups and find community. And channel it into your art, it looks so good! There are so many short cis guys that share a lot f your same struggles, btw, so you're not alone there lol. It will get easier! keep on keeping on! You are so awesome!
Another note and sorry for leaving books in your comments section XD: The thing about wearing feminine clothes. I can't say I relate now but when I was younger I tried everything. I defaulted to gender neutral options but I definitely wore dresses, rompers and I played female characters (usually) in the school play. I wore dresses to prom and a big white dress on my wedding day. I didn't realize I was trans until I was much older, yet there were a lot of things growing up that I look back on and ask myself how I didn't know. As far as feeling like a man in women's clothes... I didn't get that when I was younger. I just felt out of place and expected to be in those clothes (for special occasions at least) It wasn't until I explored my gender that I realized "I am a man... but one day I want to be a man who is confident enough to wear a skirt". I haven't worn dresses or anything super femme in years and I always attributed it to hating my body and just general self-hate. As far as the spectrum goes: I hated being seen as a soft butch or being called a lesbian. Didn't know why... I'm Pan and usually unbothered by most... Then I realized I loved being considered a femme boy. What this video has taught me about you is that you are very much in the Anxious chaos phase of your journey and you're really trying to figure it out. You will figure it out. All of what you're saying is valid because it's your experience. It's how you feel. There is no right or wrong because when you get the pieces together they will click into place and it'll be as if you never doubted yourself in the first place.
I relate to you on so many levels, especially height! Still trying to get in the mindset that it's nothing I can change and it doesn't define my gender! but it does get easier. There are so many men out there who are short! You will go far with your transition, you're still young. I know me just saying that probably won't help much but it will be worth it!
I can't help thinking your mum n dad should see and listen to this video and trully understand and accept your position. That said, I have no idea how they would react. The fact that religion has a presence concerns me as that can often be a problem. I do wish you strength and patience. There will come a time you will have place of your own where you feel comfortable expressing yourself in your own space. Listening to this video reminds me of my past feelings.. Being trapped and occasionally 'trying' to be a man. It's remarkable how similar MtF and FtM trans worries are. All the concerns you have about voice and body shape are what I experience in reverse. Hating my manly shape without having breasts or hips, my low voice. Things will get better for you in time. Just hang on in there and grow your confidence as a young adult.
I just typed a long comment and accidentally erased it lol :(. Anyway I watched your whole video and sorta relate to you but like in the opposite way. I’m amab and probably cis but do not relate to being a guy and relate with girls (and lgbtq people) a lot more. Like, the things (stereotypical cis) guys talk abt, I just don’t care. Most sports, cars, working out to get big muscles, having a lack of emotions, and the rest of the “guy” stuff is just not me and I dislike the fact that stuff is associated with me just because I’m born male. Like I said I relate to girls more, I wish I could be seen as one of the girls socially but I’m not by the girls that I know. I know if I was female that they would be friends with me because they are a lot more comfortable around girls. I feel like just bc I’m a guy that girls will think I’m straight and I like them (im not, I’m asexual and aromantic it makes me relate to being male even less). I also dislike how my voice just screams male bc that just how my voice sounds a lot. But I don’t always wanna look like a girl and don’t experience much dysphoric feelings so I’m prob not trans. I always think it’s fun to hear trans people’s experiences like yours though and I enjoyed your video. Maybe you can make some cool friends sometime that make you feel better abt being trans. Also I go to church too and I dislike how heavy the gender roles are there too so ya I relate with you there as well.
4:07 a lot of the idea that cis women and men are built differently in terms of shoulders and hips is not entirely accurate. Muscle definitely changes the width of your shoulders and that body shape generally and in our culture it is much more normalized for men to do weight training for all parts of the body than it is for women. Weight training is definitely something that has helped me to feel less dysphoria as a trans person. It's also very good for building a routine and physical as well as mental health resultingly, I find :)
you are quite unlucky and im sorry. ive fallen in love with a trans ftm person who has similar features to you and loves crabs. it's a 50/50 he passes but also gets misgendered sometimes and it makes me upset. this video helps me understand what he goes through. i dont feel dysphoria but im tall for a girl and have a masculine shape and I dislike it, I also dont like being taller than him. im bi and on the aroace spectrum but his gender fluidity negatively affects my attraction. like I dont know.
Hey, younger me would identify with you in many ways. Let me just tell you that things do get better, I didn't watch the whole video, but have you considered getting a haircut? That was one of the things that made me really happy when I was your age. I'm non-binery and for a long time I was thinking about it every day, every minute, thinking about what makes me dysphoric, about what I want and don't want, how I want to be seen and called... and now I'm in my late 20's and it seems like my brain has calmed down. There are still things that suck, but whatever. The older you get, the less you're worried about what others think. It doesn't matter. You're valid the way you are. You don't need to compare yourself to any societal norm of a man. If you are a man, you are a man, that's it. And with supportive friends live's so much easier. Now I have long hair again, but I feel more like a masculine person with long hair, which doesn't make me feel dysphoric. As I said, things will get better. Adults are usually not as mean as kids at school and you can choose the people you want to have around you.
I have been wanting a haircut for such a long time but it took so many years of begging to convince my mom to even get it this short😭😭 after I got it cut this short she says she never wants me to cut it again because I’m her “only daughter” and “my grandma would absolutely hate it” (she is catholic)
@@Horseshoecrab_lover Was gonna comment the same thing but then I found this comment. If it wouldn't endanger your safety you could insist on getting a masc haircut. It's your hair and how you express yourself anyway. Trust me, whoever's cutting your hair does not give a shit and your mum shouldn't be dictating your life and your choices. What you're saying sounds really familiar, similar thoughts I had when I was younger. Especially when I was still in school with uniforms and dress codes. I first cut my hair off when I was doing 2nd semester of my foundation year, was still closeted back then, but boy did it felt good when someone referred to me as "sir". I'm in my intermediate year at uni now, and with each semester I feel like I'm stepping out of the closet and embracing my transness a little bit more. I came out to my mom a while ago but she's erm...how do I put this...accepting but only surface talk. But eh, I can't really do anything about it. Where I'm from is extremely conservative, and I understand that she fears for me and my safety and only ever wants me to live "normally" whatever that means. It's definitely an interesting realization where I'm at in this point of time. I'm out socially as in with friends and strangers even, but still closeted in my house and amongst family. I don't have access to HRT currently and unlikely in the next forthcoming years, though I have shifted my view and perception of gender tremendously since entering uni, taking some classes on gender studies and self-broiling really. Lots of introspection, lots of thinking, lots of reflecting, just lots of spending time with myself essentially. From one trans to another, I hope you achieve everything you want in your journey. Lots of love! :D PS I used to get really dysphoric about my chest too but then I saw that nobody's chest is truly flat. Not sure where I know this from, but binders are supposed to give off the appearance of pecs and was never meant to give anybody a _flat_ chest.
@@tanderyy921 I have explore that identity a year before I found out I was transgender, for the dress thing I know I didn’t explain it well becuase I didn’t mean “didn’t care or mundane” I meant it as since I’m not dressing as a boy everyone will assume I’m a girl instead of seeing me as a girl when I’m trying to be masculine
I relate to a lot of stuff you said including the part where it seems like your mind is in denial and you try to dress feminine and be put in a mindset forcefully, but some things I haven't really heard of within trans guys. Not trying to say that there isn't most likely trans guys out there that feel that way, but maybe just explore? It doesn't hurt and it might just probably verify your identity even more as a trans man. I hope someday you will feel comfortable in your body, I have faith in you❤
@@Horseshoecrab_lover OH okay, I understand that. It's tough trying to dress as the gender you identify as and it's easier when people assume instead of questioning type thing?
Hey man, idk why this came up in my recommended but here we are lol. I'm 25 y/o transmasc and came out when I was your age. I very much feel you on the height thing, its one of my biggest dysphoria triggers as well. I will say, I always thought that it was too late for me to grow after high school (i was the same height from 7th grade till college), but i actually grew a whole inch in college, and I wasnt even on T at the time. If you can get on T when you turn 18 its very possible for you to still grow. But yeah platform shoes are a lifesaver 😂😂 YRU used to sell these sneakers from a brand called berness and they're my fave, just the right amount of height without looking clunky. And when it comes to clothes, thicker/sturdier fabrics are a lot better at hiding curves. Most fast fashion brands rn sell paper this stuff that hugs all the wrong places 😩 thrifted t shirts tend to be better if you cant access higher quality new clothes. Best of luck boss 🫡
Girl, you are perfect the way you are. You can act and dress however you want, but remember surgeries are permanent and can cause a loss of sensation s*xually and the hormones will be permanent as well. There’s always time ahead of you but you can’t change the past. I’m not a stuck up stooge, or a homophobe or anything like that. Sometimes the truth is just the truth. Sometimes there are multiple truths. Best of luck ❤
hey, first off they clearly don't like being referred to femininely, so I think the "girl" comment is highly unwarranted. Nobody needs your permission to act or dress any way, and certainly not for anything else either. I don't know what you're getting at here other than blatant transphobia, that's the "truth". Go read a book or touch some grass
Got this on my recommended feed, honestly knowing how I grew up and other trans men I would’ve guessed Pre-T you were 20 or so. I’m 27 now and can still relate to the annoying thing of looking younger than I am. I’m stuck forever at 5’5 height so I totally get an eyebrow raise in any new liquor store I walk in. I was told recently, people usually say unconsciously the first thing that’s on their mind. So I/you shouldn’t take a *gasp* you look so young! So seriously. They try and cover themselves by saying “oh but that means you’ll look young when you’re older!” But that doesn’t help cuz I’m currently not older lol. I’ve been trying to think of cis men like Andy Milonakis who probably also has to get annoyingly ID’d or maybe even misgendered idk. Clothes wise btw- I hear wearing stripe shirts helps with the illusion of the binder. Could also put up a pony tail tucked in a hat if u can’t get a haircut. U probably feel more like a guy in a dress because of the concept of cross dressing. Hope u can figure stuff out with ur fam, they gotta accept it at some point if u need to live as ur true self yknow? Just wanted to comment cuz I was just about ur age when I started figuring this trans stuff out too. Related to a lot of this
Im also a closeted trans guy who is pre anything and i never knew anyone else felt that way. In terms of when i look at myself in feminine things I see the man i am trapped and awkward but when i present masculinity all i see is everything wrong with my body
I relate so much , I’m also a short trans man with childish feminine features. Thankyou for this video and for sharing your experience, I hope it gets better and please don’t lose hope!!
Also, I think having a decorated room is way better than the boring 'more masculine and mundane' because of how much more you can express yourself. I think its sad that decoration is seen as a more feminine thing, because its awesome!!! (Your room looks cool to me i love the Beetlejuice poster)
That was very informative!
First of all you be you !
No one else can comprehend exactly how you feel.
Funilly I wasn't getting it either.
Now I find that strange of me because I'm the loudest proudest Ally of anything lgbtq human rights type things I know to anyone that will listen and more that don't.
Then I got it
It's not for me to understand your feelings and situation, but to just be supportive.
Somehow I feel I understand more by NOT knowing how you feel.
Thanx for that.
I wish you well on your journey !
✨
I'm so sorry you're stuck in this situation, crawling in your skin, with no support from your family. Consider moving out as soon as you can afford to. For me it was a big step to start expressing myself with no extra pressure. Stay strong!
hey dude, 20 y/o mtf here, i relate to pretty much everything you said but in the opposite direction- i’ve known for about 6 years now and i know what it feels like to be where you are. i know it’s so incredibly hard, and every day feels like a mountain, but you *will* make it through, and one day you’ll get to live as a version of yourself you’d never dream was possible. i never thought i’d be able to truly see myself as a girl, especially since, in the complete opposite of your case, i’m 6’, broad shoulders, deep voice, super hairy, you name it. and even after i’ve been trying to transition for years, i still don’t pass at all and i’m still not on HRT, but i’ve finally made it to a point where if i really, really try with my outfit and makeup and hair, i can *maybe* convince myself i look pretty in a slightly feminine way. and that’s enough to keep me going, to keep believing that one day i’ll get there. and if i can do it, i know you can do it too. i know this probably sounds cheesy, but speaking from experience i know the hopelessness doesn’t last forever. wishing you all the best my man :)
Take note. A binder will never make you look completely flat, and it's not supposed to. If you have the right size (Always your actual size- dont size down, you will hurt yourself) it will do its job. Cis men are not completely flat. We all have chests. A binder is meant to contour your frame to tailor to your body and give it a more masc appearance. Some days we may want it flatter, but I can promise you, the binder is doing what is intended. Going too flat would look a bit odd. I know it's a dysphoria thing. Dysphoria warps or perception of self pretty intensely. It takes a lot of mental strength to self-reflect and figure out the truth of the situation. I'm a heavier guy. My binder will always help but i have a decent chest so sitting in it, I always feel like i need to adjust things but the more i thought about it, the more i realized "me in a cis male body would have the same amount of chest as i do in my binder" just based on my body type. If your binder is making you completely flat, it's probably too small (unless you were blessed with barely fitting into an A cup to begin with). Just my perspective on the matter. Something to think about so you can maybe explore what the binder is doing for you more and maybe you'll end up thinking about it in a better light in the future. Wishing the best for you on your journey. I know it's hard now but one day you will get to be you and love yourself and that is worth the time and effort alone
Yep. I'm cis male, and I have obvious curves there when I raise up my chest, stand up straight and suck in my belly a bit to look more manly.
l
aop😅p
From one “short king” to another, you’re awesome and I hope you keep videos so you can look back one day and celebrate your glow up/transition. Keep your chin up.
man I felt the exact same way when I was 16, and now I'm 19 and it all feels like a bad dream looking back... If I could tell 16 year old me anything, I would say to just heckin go to the gym and eat a shit ton of protein lol. If you lift enough it will seriously transform your body, I know it's easier to gain muscle when you're on T but it's totally possible to do it without it, and it really helped me with my dysphoria, even chest because they start to read as pecs after awhile.
If your brothers or dad go to the gym then you could try asking them to show you around it, my dad taught me and he wasn't very accepting of my transition at first but now all we talk about is lifting haha... Though it sounds like your parents are pretty difficult, my dad's side is also Catholic and they don't hate me, they're just kinda weird about it yk?
But there are things you can try right now, the worst thing you can do is wait for your life to start, because it's already happening right now and it sucked knowing I spent so much time thinking there was nothing i could do.
Also side note I personally love your hair it gives me metalhead vibes, I've been growing my hair out trying to get it like that xP
(edit) also another thing is, if you like to sew at all or are open to picking that up, I like to tailor my clothes to fit my form better, so I'd recommend taking some old clothes and experimenting
So cool of you to share this. And you're not alone in this. It's so important to surround yourself with a supportive community. There are plenty of people out there who will genuinely see you as a boy even pre everything just because you let them know that you are one. But I trust you'll get there ☺
As another short trans masc, I feel you. I’m 5’2, and my height makes me super dysphoric.
Also, this is some advice. You’re a man, regardless of what you look like. Regardless of what people tell you. You mentioned how you repress your identity, and try to force yourself to be a girl. I recommend two things. The first is joining a discord server with other trans masculine people in it. The second is to research queer repression. A really good movie that explores queer repression is I Saw The TV Glow. I really recommend watching it. That movie really changed my life, and forced me to accept myself, regardless of what society says. We only get one life, and it’s better to live authentically than pretending to be someone you’re not. Good luck on your journey, dude.
It does get better. I know how hard it is right hard, especially with family like that. I know it hurts right now but there's a community of people waiting to welcome you when you're capable of leaving the nest and spreading your wings. The community is far from perfect but there's a lot of amazing people in it.
Your story is valid and important. I relate a lotttt with hating the female/woman/feminine steriotypes projected onto me by others as a trans guy in my 20s. I still havent been able to get hrt as an adult bc of life circumstances but even so my life got so much better socially when i moved out and got away from my parents as an adult. I cannot tell you how much it means to me to have a support system and afferming friends. It gives me so much comfort to be with people who see and regaurd me as i want to be seen no matter what my body looks like. I even can wear pretty makeup and jewlery or pink and not be made fun of or invalidated for it. That may not be something you want in your gender presentation but i do and it makes me happy. Other times it doesnt but thats when we bring out the masc clothes and facial mascara lol. Also i reccomend 100% getting trans friends and find a trans support group in your area on facebook or discord or at a local community center because being around other people who understand what you are going through helps alot.
Things can get better. Gender Dysphoria is difficult. I wish things were better, more supportive, and accepting. I've seen so many older transgender men who take hormones, and they get so many testosterone sex characteristics that they look manly.
I know that probably doesn't make things go away. I know how badly it hurts. It was courageous of you to share. It is strong of you to keep going.
I see you. I accept you, and I know you are man. I wish you the best, dude.
As a trans woman, this is really interesting to listen to. Recently, I've been trying to accomplish the impossible task of understanding men. I wonder, does your hair length cause you dysphoria or do you just not care? For me it was like when I grew my hair out a lot of my dysphoria went away. The stuff about looking in the mirror and just wanting to scream and run is very relatable though.
@@Szymks it does cause me dysphoria from time to time and I do wish it was shorter but I also get dysphoria when I try to make it look short. I think this is due to the fact my long hair frames my face to be more masculine then when it is fully tuck away.
@@Horseshoecrab_lover that's interesting
I gained a whole inch around 18-19, you might still grow. A small growth spurt around that age isn't uncommon in AFAB people. Anyway, short kings are great too.
Thank you for your video! I just came out to my parents as ftm and this is super helpful!
thank you for posting this video it’s really relatable and validating and it shows you that your not the only one struggling with these issues tysm (:
I’m 18, AFAB, nonbinary, and I go by all pronouns, but I’m really starting to realize I might be transmasc. I feel so dysphoric every time the “she/her” piece is focused on, but I’ve been clinging to it because I’m scared of what might happen if I let it go. I’m so guilty of trying to force “girl” to appease others, be pretty for them... I almost feel like I just want to do something right, and if I can perform “girl” good enough, things might be okay…? I always end up going back to a more androgynous/masc presentation in the end. And the “he/him” never goes away.
I relate to everything you described, and you’re not alone, dude. From the voice, to the performing “girl,” envying buff dudes, the foot size, loathing being shorter, being perceived as a “tomboy” or “butch” instead of what I am… It’s pain. I feel so hopeless sometimes.
I wish I could wear makeup and stuff while still passing as male. :( I’m so jealous of he/they people, especially. Being enby makes it more confusing because I don’t even know where I stand on the binary at times… I can’t even guarantee that medically transitioning wouldn’t add a different kind of dysphoria into the mix-so that’s fun…
Sending you support, dude.
For me, I’d rather be seen as butch rather than a femme woman. But my gender is a little fluid. I’m genderfaun. Which means my gender fluctuates between genders that aren’t feminine. Sometimes I’m enby, a demiguy, a d a trans guy. But I’m usually enby, and I still like to use the word lesbian to describe myself.
Your facial expression and demeanor comes across very manly. You can really tell that your a man/boy listening to you for a while
It breaks my heart hearing you struggle with so much dysphoria and not getting any support from your family. I relate so much to your experience of dysphoria and body issues (although inverted somewhat, as I'm transfem). Especially the voice! But luckily testosterone will help a lot for voice if you do eventually go that route. You could look very masculine later in life! I know it might not seem like there's much hope now, but you have a whole life ahead of you! There will be time. Look for trans support groups and find community. And channel it into your art, it looks so good!
There are so many short cis guys that share a lot f your same struggles, btw, so you're not alone there lol. It will get easier! keep on keeping on! You are so awesome!
Another note and sorry for leaving books in your comments section XD: The thing about wearing feminine clothes. I can't say I relate now but when I was younger I tried everything. I defaulted to gender neutral options but I definitely wore dresses, rompers and I played female characters (usually) in the school play. I wore dresses to prom and a big white dress on my wedding day. I didn't realize I was trans until I was much older, yet there were a lot of things growing up that I look back on and ask myself how I didn't know. As far as feeling like a man in women's clothes... I didn't get that when I was younger. I just felt out of place and expected to be in those clothes (for special occasions at least) It wasn't until I explored my gender that I realized "I am a man... but one day I want to be a man who is confident enough to wear a skirt". I haven't worn dresses or anything super femme in years and I always attributed it to hating my body and just general self-hate. As far as the spectrum goes: I hated being seen as a soft butch or being called a lesbian. Didn't know why... I'm Pan and usually unbothered by most... Then I realized I loved being considered a femme boy. What this video has taught me about you is that you are very much in the Anxious chaos phase of your journey and you're really trying to figure it out. You will figure it out. All of what you're saying is valid because it's your experience. It's how you feel. There is no right or wrong because when you get the pieces together they will click into place and it'll be as if you never doubted yourself in the first place.
I relate to you on so many levels, especially height! Still trying to get in the mindset that it's nothing I can change and it doesn't define my gender! but it does get easier. There are so many men out there who are short! You will go far with your transition, you're still young. I know me just saying that probably won't help much but it will be worth it!
I can't help thinking your mum n dad should see and listen to this video and trully understand and accept your position. That said, I have no idea how they would react. The fact that religion has a presence concerns me as that can often be a problem. I do wish you strength and patience. There will come a time you will have place of your own where you feel comfortable expressing yourself in your own space. Listening to this video reminds me of my past feelings.. Being trapped and occasionally 'trying' to be a man. It's remarkable how similar MtF and FtM trans worries are. All the concerns you have about voice and body shape are what I experience in reverse. Hating my manly shape without having breasts or hips, my low voice. Things will get better for you in time. Just hang on in there and grow your confidence as a young adult.
I just typed a long comment and accidentally erased it lol :(. Anyway I watched your whole video and sorta relate to you but like in the opposite way. I’m amab and probably cis but do not relate to being a guy and relate with girls (and lgbtq people) a lot more. Like, the things (stereotypical cis) guys talk abt, I just don’t care. Most sports, cars, working out to get big muscles, having a lack of emotions, and the rest of the “guy” stuff is just not me and I dislike the fact that stuff is associated with me just because I’m born male. Like I said I relate to girls more, I wish I could be seen as one of the girls socially but I’m not by the girls that I know. I know if I was female that they would be friends with me because they are a lot more comfortable around girls. I feel like just bc I’m a guy that girls will think I’m straight and I like them (im not, I’m asexual and aromantic it makes me relate to being male even less). I also dislike how my voice just screams male bc that just how my voice sounds a lot. But I don’t always wanna look like a girl and don’t experience much dysphoric feelings so I’m prob not trans. I always think it’s fun to hear trans people’s experiences like yours though and I enjoyed your video. Maybe you can make some cool friends sometime that make you feel better abt being trans. Also I go to church too and I dislike how heavy the gender roles are there too so ya I relate with you there as well.
4:07 a lot of the idea that cis women and men are built differently in terms of shoulders and hips is not entirely accurate. Muscle definitely changes the width of your shoulders and that body shape generally and in our culture it is much more normalized for men to do weight training for all parts of the body than it is for women. Weight training is definitely something that has helped me to feel less dysphoria as a trans person. It's also very good for building a routine and physical as well as mental health resultingly, I find :)
Jeez I’ve said the word “bad” so muchhh😭
Its hard to describe dysphoria, so saying things make you feel "bad" is a great word to use!
you are quite unlucky and im sorry. ive fallen in love with a trans ftm person who has similar features to you and loves crabs. it's a 50/50 he passes but also gets misgendered sometimes and it makes me upset. this video helps me understand what he goes through. i dont feel dysphoria but im tall for a girl and have a masculine shape and I dislike it, I also dont like being taller than him. im bi and on the aroace spectrum but his gender fluidity negatively affects my attraction. like I dont know.
Hey, younger me would identify with you in many ways. Let me just tell you that things do get better, I didn't watch the whole video, but have you considered getting a haircut? That was one of the things that made me really happy when I was your age. I'm non-binery and for a long time I was thinking about it every day, every minute, thinking about what makes me dysphoric, about what I want and don't want, how I want to be seen and called... and now I'm in my late 20's and it seems like my brain has calmed down. There are still things that suck, but whatever. The older you get, the less you're worried about what others think. It doesn't matter. You're valid the way you are. You don't need to compare yourself to any societal norm of a man. If you are a man, you are a man, that's it. And with supportive friends live's so much easier. Now I have long hair again, but I feel more like a masculine person with long hair, which doesn't make me feel dysphoric. As I said, things will get better. Adults are usually not as mean as kids at school and you can choose the people you want to have around you.
I have been wanting a haircut for such a long time but it took so many years of begging to convince my mom to even get it this short😭😭 after I got it cut this short she says she never wants me to cut it again because I’m her “only daughter” and “my grandma would absolutely hate it” (she is catholic)
Nvm holiness not catholic😓
@@Horseshoecrab_lover Was gonna comment the same thing but then I found this comment. If it wouldn't endanger your safety you could insist on getting a masc haircut. It's your hair and how you express yourself anyway. Trust me, whoever's cutting your hair does not give a shit and your mum shouldn't be dictating your life and your choices.
What you're saying sounds really familiar, similar thoughts I had when I was younger. Especially when I was still in school with uniforms and dress codes. I first cut my hair off when I was doing 2nd semester of my foundation year, was still closeted back then, but boy did it felt good when someone referred to me as "sir". I'm in my intermediate year at uni now, and with each semester I feel like I'm stepping out of the closet and embracing my transness a little bit more. I came out to my mom a while ago but she's erm...how do I put this...accepting but only surface talk. But eh, I can't really do anything about it. Where I'm from is extremely conservative, and I understand that she fears for me and my safety and only ever wants me to live "normally" whatever that means.
It's definitely an interesting realization where I'm at in this point of time. I'm out socially as in with friends and strangers even, but still closeted in my house and amongst family. I don't have access to HRT currently and unlikely in the next forthcoming years, though I have shifted my view and perception of gender tremendously since entering uni, taking some classes on gender studies and self-broiling really. Lots of introspection, lots of thinking, lots of reflecting, just lots of spending time with myself essentially.
From one trans to another, I hope you achieve everything you want in your journey. Lots of love! :D
PS I used to get really dysphoric about my chest too but then I saw that nobody's chest is truly flat. Not sure where I know this from, but binders are supposed to give off the appearance of pecs and was never meant to give anybody a _flat_ chest.
cis men have breasts as well and their chests aren't completely flat :)
If it makes you feel a little better, my brother's friend is around 5'3 and he's around 20.
As a trans man I don't mean to invalidate your feelings but maybe explore more into what it feels like to be gender fluid?
@@tanderyy921 I have explore that identity a year before I found out I was transgender, for the dress thing I know I didn’t explain it well becuase I didn’t mean “didn’t care or mundane” I meant it as since I’m not dressing as a boy everyone will assume I’m a girl instead of seeing me as a girl when I’m trying to be masculine
I relate to a lot of stuff you said including the part where it seems like your mind is in denial and you try to dress feminine and be put in a mindset forcefully, but some things I haven't really heard of within trans guys. Not trying to say that there isn't most likely trans guys out there that feel that way, but maybe just explore? It doesn't hurt and it might just probably verify your identity even more as a trans man. I hope someday you will feel comfortable in your body, I have faith in you❤
@@Horseshoecrab_lover OH okay, I understand that. It's tough trying to dress as the gender you identify as and it's easier when people assume instead of questioning type thing?
@@tanderyy921 yep!
As a genderfluid person, I don’t think so. Everything they are saying reads trans man.
Hey man, idk why this came up in my recommended but here we are lol. I'm 25 y/o transmasc and came out when I was your age. I very much feel you on the height thing, its one of my biggest dysphoria triggers as well. I will say, I always thought that it was too late for me to grow after high school (i was the same height from 7th grade till college), but i actually grew a whole inch in college, and I wasnt even on T at the time. If you can get on T when you turn 18 its very possible for you to still grow. But yeah platform shoes are a lifesaver 😂😂 YRU used to sell these sneakers from a brand called berness and they're my fave, just the right amount of height without looking clunky. And when it comes to clothes, thicker/sturdier fabrics are a lot better at hiding curves. Most fast fashion brands rn sell paper this stuff that hugs all the wrong places 😩 thrifted t shirts tend to be better if you cant access higher quality new clothes. Best of luck boss 🫡
Girl, you are perfect the way you are. You can act and dress however you want, but remember surgeries are permanent and can cause a loss of sensation s*xually and the hormones will be permanent as well.
There’s always time ahead of you but you can’t change the past. I’m not a stuck up stooge, or a homophobe or anything like that. Sometimes the truth is just the truth. Sometimes there are multiple truths.
Best of luck ❤
hey, first off they clearly don't like being referred to femininely, so I think the "girl" comment is highly unwarranted. Nobody needs your permission to act or dress any way, and certainly not for anything else either. I don't know what you're getting at here other than blatant transphobia, that's the "truth". Go read a book or touch some grass
babes u thought u ate fr..
@ huh?
Got this on my recommended feed, honestly knowing how I grew up and other trans men I would’ve guessed Pre-T you were 20 or so. I’m 27 now and can still relate to the annoying thing of looking younger than I am. I’m stuck forever at 5’5 height so I totally get an eyebrow raise in any new liquor store I walk in. I was told recently, people usually say unconsciously the first thing that’s on their mind. So I/you shouldn’t take a *gasp* you look so young! So seriously. They try and cover themselves by saying “oh but that means you’ll look young when you’re older!” But that doesn’t help cuz I’m currently not older lol. I’ve been trying to think of cis men like Andy Milonakis who probably also has to get annoyingly ID’d or maybe even misgendered idk. Clothes wise btw- I hear wearing stripe shirts helps with the illusion of the binder. Could also put up a pony tail tucked in a hat if u can’t get a haircut. U probably feel more like a guy in a dress because of the concept of cross dressing. Hope u can figure stuff out with ur fam, they gotta accept it at some point if u need to live as ur true self yknow? Just wanted to comment cuz I was just about ur age when I started figuring this trans stuff out too. Related to a lot of this
Im also a closeted trans guy who is pre anything and i never knew anyone else felt that way. In terms of when i look at myself in feminine things I see the man i am trapped and awkward but when i present masculinity all i see is everything wrong with my body