it’s ok to have a different favorite color … but I don’t see a healthy relationship between two people with totally different values. being friends with all kinds of people well rounds you .. but your partner should be someone who shares and understands your goals and values. It’s ok to want the best for you. No apologies. 🙏❤️✨
“He’s doing an ok job of accepting you.” No, he’s not. He told her that people who share her views are stupid, he said he HATES people with strong political views like hers, and she even cried over a denigrating remark he made. Someone who takes your feelings into account doesn’t behave like this. So, you’re right in thinking she has contempt for him, but he has equal contempt for her, too. Ridicule may seem harmless, but it’s actually death by 1,000 cuts. I agree this isn’t a fluke, but disagree that she’s dating him because she secretly wants her views to be challenged. There’s nothing in her letter to indicate that secret desire. Instead, she could be dating guys who disrespect her because she disrespects herself. You attract what’s not healed inside. If she fears intimacy, then attracting a partner where true intimacy is unlikely keeps her safe. Listening to people who challenge your views is a good thing. By weighing both sides, you make an informed decision about your beliefs rather than an impulsive one. However, I believe shared values are what make a relationship last. You should feel your partner has your back and that won’t happen if they believe you’re stupid, naive, or crazy.
Idk it makes sense she’s attracted to the kind of guys that are produced by or at least drawn to the opposite political opinion. Maybe there’s a reason for that. However, being in a relationship with someone you disagree with on fundamental things sounds like a nightmare. I don’t believe compartmentalizing like that is healthy.
Yeah I’ve done this , too, and it made me feel awful compromising my values. It was especially harmful to my self esteem and relationships because the things he believed politically were actively harmful to marginalized groups, and most of my friends and family were apart of these groups (black, trans, gay, etc.). I didn’t know how to look my friends in the eye when I knew I was dating someone who believed awful things about them and I didn’t share those views. I eventually left and I still feel pretty guilty for being with such an icky person, knowing the things he said perpetuated harmful stereotypes and dangerous rhetoric towards people I love
Maybe I'm weird, but no, nope, n'uh-uh, uh-uh, nahh, nothanx, nowayJose...and no. Though like bees, there's no way to avoid triggers, but why go into potential hornet nests? I want to be with someone who doesn't have such a large built-in friction problem with me already.
~Ive met 7 different men that i liked over the past few years, that i chose not to date because of political differences~He must share my basic values for it to work~
also, if i was doubting so much that i wrote in to someone about my relationship, that to my mind is seeking approval/permission to initiate a breakup.
I was in relationships with opposing views. At first it was good, but when family came into the picture their family was very harsh towards my opinions. They made me so uncomfortable to even speak up, they said some hurtful things about race, I brought this up in the relationship due to it being my ethnicity. The person dismissed it and I had to end it. Now I only talk to people who share my values, it really drove me into a depression having to be afraid to speak up.
Letter: "My current boyfriend thinks the values I hold are stupid. He hates people with strong political views like mine, even though I explain 'these are MY views.' And it made me cry when he said something I considered denigrating about people with my views." Fairy says: "It doesn't seem to bother him that much that you're different." ...apart from him openly saying that he hates people like her. Fairy says: "...it sounds like he doesn't respect some values that you hold to be true and dear and IF I'm hearing you correctly, he's doing an ok job at accepting you." That sounds like a pretty big if. Fairy, I know you're trying to walk a fine line in terms of reconnection in a relationship and reconnection in a wider community sense (in a very divided world). But I feel you're overvaluing this as a community reconnection teaching opportunity, rather than specific advice for someone who is clearly dating someone who denies the validity of some of her most fundamental values that she's held since she was a teenager and that she wants those values to be a big part of her life in the future: "My political views have been a huge part of my life since I was a teenager and in my current work and in my plans for the future." In any other situation you wouldn't hesitate to say get the hell out! But because it's politics, I fear you're trying to make it a teachable moment. A conflict in fundamental values is a ginormous red flag for a relationship - especially for someone with cptsd - and will have significant consequences for all aspects of life - family, children, friends, career, ...
Also not for nothing she might feel like she’s coming for her because she (fairy) has some right wing values herself, I’ve picked up on that for sure watching her channel
If a person has no respect for your values, then he is not the person that you want in your life. Trust me.I married someone with very different values and no respect for me.I regret it.
just like someone else said: you don’t just marry an individual but their family, religion, and values as well. i don’t have kids but that’s what comes to mind. if me and my partner had different religions i would think, “ how would we raise our kids” and it’s almost the same with politics IF you hold them as close as religion. i agree it’s good to understand and try to appreciate others views, but it just gets very messy when others like kids or parents are involved.
Politics are more than opinions. These are values systems. I refuse to date people with certain political leanings, not because I fail to understand their point of view, or am unwilling to do the work, but because I find them to be incurably selfish, entitled, regressive, and sometimes openly hostile toward marginalized groups in ways that play out over and over and over again. I would rather be alone (I am quite happy alone). These may be armchair discussions for many who speak from a place of privilege, but 'politics' has very dire real-world consequences for many, and it's bigger than just triggering trauma. Anyone who tells me any of my firmly-held beliefs are 'stupid' and makes me cry about it does not respect or value me as a person. I hope this girl listens to her anger and leaves this toxic situation. I hope she finds healing to love herself and value her views and not settle for anyone who will treat her like this.
I cant do it, ive tried...The conversations are just too un-easy, I dont care for debate topics...they make me not want to be around that person. If someone thinks more along my lines, it's seems just easier to get along.
It’s one thing not agreeing on certain political policies and another when witnessing fanatical views/behaviours or expecting a partner to agree with you on every aspect of your political ideology. In short, extremes never seem to be able to adapt to a happy compromise. If someone’s political views make you sick from the outset, isn’t it better to scroll/walk on by? No amount of explaining or trying to debate on your part will ever bring them round. At best you’ll get a temporary ‘agree to disagree’ but mostly, usually when there’s an audience to lose face in front of, it results in anger, frustration, exhaustion and that feeling like you’ll never get that time back. There are so many people in the world to have good relationships with, who will share similar views, why endure your closest relationship with someone whose views create so much revulsion in you? Yes I agree with CCF that sometimes learning more about WHY others hold certain views can be educational - even if it’s just affirming that what you thought originally was correct. However, in my experience, for what it’s worth, eventually views and beliefs that revolt you about a partner at the start only deepen and harden over time. I hope the enquirer works out what she wants from this or any relationship...or perhaps what she doesn’t want. Avoiding endless debate or agreeing not to talk about certain things just wouldn’t be my idea of a full and fulfilling relationship. I wish her well it’s a tough one whether trauma based or not. ❤️ As an aside - it strikes me there might be a fear to move on here. Like perhaps it’ll be hard to get another partner if this one is given up. May be the underlying issue to address is not whether to compromise political views but whether to compromise happiness and the freedom to seek a relationship in which you’re comfortable to express all kinds of views around each other’s families. There’s no harm in being able to tolerate and be civil to people with different views etc it’s another to want them at your table or in your bed...there’s no shame in finding your tribe and in finding those there’s often a special person for you. ❤️
We don't tend to discuss politics, as it tends to come across like baiting for an argument. After 45 years of marriage I love her too much to do that to both of us. Besides, everybody has the right to be wrong...and as upon occasion that happens to be ME, I guard how much hangin' rope I'm paying out.
My take; Her advice is appropriate for family work and friendship relationships where politics differ one doesnt want to be in a bubble etc etc but a romantic relationship, you want to be on the same team, in harness together pulling in the same direction towards the same family goals, ethics, morals n values his denigrating attitude about her politics is a big red flag n would be constant friction n triggering IMO IMO she will squash herself in this relationship to 'keep the peace' I too cautioned my family about my ex, while i was still 'madly in love' with him. I think its fine to b in a relationship with someone without any strong political views, if one does, or if both have a polite curiosity and seek understanding of the other side. He clearly does not have this. I think this 'political pattern' is because the Lady is attracted AND repelled by intimacy, much like how i keep going for 'dominant' men who are 'cold' towards me, cos i feel suffocated otherwise, even tho i long for relationships with more affection, im also repelled XD so could be my own projection lols!
Thanks for the wonderful video! I think a big issue is sometimes people don't realize that their views or political stance can mean something completely different to another person. One person could say they believe x thing and the other person makes assumptions that this person may be vindictive, hateful, or even against some specific groups of people's human rights (human rights should not be seen as political!). But neither of these people are inherently wrong and without communication there cannot be any compromise It's hard but opening yourself up to communicate how you interpret something another person says or even taking the time to seperate someones views from their character can help keep you from jumping to conclusions that the individual is hateful and instead is either misguided or doesn't realize how you interpreted their views. They might be saying something completely different from what you've assumed. We all have different experiences and come from different places in life. Being open minded to all views (except those that are a facade for hate and control) is how we teach each other, learn together, and grow together as a community. Teaching and understanding through open mindedness and patience leads to healthier relationships And you mentioned some similar things I mentioned here I just like elaborating from my own understanding because it's how I learn best
I don't understand how you say something good in this relationship when he says things that make her cry. A big component is is he interested in coming together because it doesn't sound like he is by her letter. My hope is that he will listen to this video with her because if she is the only one looking for a solution I doubt this will get better
Because she's a snowflake that cries just because he doesn't agree with her political beliefs. It's not like he's beating her, calling her names or cheating on her otherwise that would have been mentioned.
@@EsotericOccultist "It's not like he's beating her".... your standards are low for what constitutes abuse. You're namecalling her.... I don't think you're being helpful here.
Please remember that there is a difference between politics and being racist/homophobic/transphobic etc. Lot of people on both sides of the spectrum like to hide behind the label of politics when they try to justify taking away people's basic human rights.
I have to push back on your interpretation of the boyfriend. You say that having a difference of opinion is not the same thing as hating and stereotyping and disrespecting a person for their opinion. Isn't the boyfriend exhibiting hateful behavior when he calls strangers at the other end of political spectrum "morons"? Maybe he's nice to Emma because she's hiding, or at least not expressing her strong political views to him in fear that she'll lose him = therefore he does not beat her up over it. She doesn't want him to talk politics with her family because she knows they'll reject him. I draw the line when someone judges others without knowing them, and I'm just guessing he would laugh if she offered him a book to read, lol But I like your final comments :)
Love yes. Successful relationship no. In my country there are many different political parties, not just two. Me and my bf dont vote for the same party but they are both liberal groups and we have similiar values. Agree on the most important stuff like human rights and climate policy and disagree on some stuff thats not that important. Thats fine. But a far left and far right would never work.
Lost 88 years of friendships over politics. The worst part is, I have never been political. Independent all the way. Free thinker. Then I saw the unthinkable, democratic leaders demanding others to aggressively confront anyone who disagrees with platform. Amazing
It’s so timely that you brought this up! If you substitute partner for therapist... there’s my dilemma, right there. I saw a wonderful lady for over a year. She was very liberal progressive...I am a conservative..... We matched perfectly until she started treating me differently as things heated up politically especially after Jan 6 when conservatives were blamed for that awful mess at the Capitol building. I stopped seeing her soon after & it was very hurtful to me as I opened up to her a lot... Now I’m starting therapy again after a family death & am TERRIFIED of bringing up politics again now. I don’t want to lose this therapist too....so I told him I won’t talk abt certain things- but that’s not good communication. It’s very messy- this NEW WORLD. And very sad.
Your right things have completely changed last couple years. Politics used to be safe for small talk, now many on your therapists side believe no disagreement is allowed.
@@lindaspiess3545 How do you know your postmans politics? Everyone has the right to protest of course there are idiots out there but I think most of it was staged. Be careful before judging people.
@@lindaspiess3545 There are creepy people out there. They come from all political areas and religions. I hold boundaries by not discussing politics with the mailman, the garbage man or the cashier at the grocery store. Its none of my business.
As a therapist, it was inappropriate for her to express her political stance. Remember back in the day that was one of things we werent supposed to talk about at work? Its time to start calling these people out and getting them out of these positions. They are poison to society.
I can't imagine being married to someone with opposing politics now. 10 years ago both sides were much more centrist and had overlap but that's all changed last 2 years. It is now truly opposing worldviews. Thank god my wife and children are with me on politics. A couple of extended family members have cut us off just by knowing our opinion on vaccine or on BLM without even discussion, ( or agreement not to discuss.)
Exactly true. Before 2016, things were different. Right now, democracy itself is on the line. That makes one's political views (and voting decisions) all the more critical.
Anne, this is the first time ever I hear you projecting your trauma into your work. I am sorry your parents fought and did so violently. But condoning staying in a relationship with such disrespect it is not healthy. Politics are also related to morality and integrity. So yes you can differ on opinions but NOT moral values. Very iffy area you touched there. For example: she gets pregnant and wants to abort for whatever reason. She believes it is the best thing to do He believes she should keep it at all cost. See how opinions cannot converge?
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy oof… to hit a “you are projecting” back with a curt [equivalent to] “no, YOU are projecting”…. I get why OP wouldn’t engage further.
In my case, I would say "yes, of course" to the question! I also have my own political view and when I was dating my husband back then, I knew he's from a totally different side of the political spectrum. However, different political views do not define me or him or our relationship. Our relationship has been healthy because we can discuss our different (political and whatever) views and sometimes laugh about them. I don't have to agree with him totally, and when he does not agree with me, it doesn't indicate that he stops loving me. Sometimes his different point of view actually helps me to walk away from my blind spots and I appreciate it!
Here's the thing, I do this all the time, but in my case the political is personal, and the way someone aligns themselves politically has real world effects that my community lives and feels. So for me it's almost an attempt to be humanized in the eyes of those who aren't seeing me and don't really care to, like my family did. What a great realization! That'll take a little rewiring, lol 🧠🧠 But yes, certain "political" mindsets are a deal breaker.
Thanks so much for this video! In my journey of therapy, trying to fix myself, and learning how to think more clearly about myself and the world, I ended up reading a lot of fundamental books about the world and epistemology/uncertainty in particular. Now, I can no longer think of my political "opponents" as evil or stupid, but real people with rich lives, experiences and intelligence. My political opinions, too, have changed a lot, taking me from a moderate on one side of the spectrum to closer to the centre. The downside of this is now I feel extremely alone when it comes to my friends, as they are still moderates/towards the end of the spectrum, and are quick to label me with denigrating terms whenever I question how certain we can be about our political beliefs. I realise now that I had found solace in them as "open minded" people when I had the perception that people on the other side of the spectrum were threatening our way of life. I still find it disheartening that politics today can cut through friendship and family when these are usually the most meaningful things we have in life. I come from a country where religious riots are not rare, and even then I've never had disputes with friends over religion. But these days, any mention of politics is a minefield. I'd love it if you could also do a video of how to deal with this when it comes to friends and family too.
I don't have to watch this one to know the answer: Yes! One of my closest friends and I have completely opposite political views. We just can't discuss politics, because it's unnecessary and nothing productive ever comes of it. But she's a wonderful friend and a wonderful person. For a partner relationship, that'd be different for me. Among the other qualities I'm looking for, being on or at least near the same page would be important.
You gave great advice to this woman. The sad thing is that people with so committed views, can sometimes be unlikely to change. Politics and the side people choose, is definitely related to mental health. The ability to learn and to change and to entertain new ideas, requires people to have got to square one on the self-discovery road.
I may not entirely agree with your answer, but I love that you did a video on this! I've wondered about this for ages. I have friends who are married to people with opposite political views and I respect them for it, but also acknowledge it's not what I want for myself. I have friendships with differing political views, but I just don't want that in a partner.
Before making callous remarks on other peoples posts in this community, keep in mind we are on this channel for a reason. My MIL "dreaming of me dying" so her son could go back to being Catholic while you assumed I pressured him into choosing a different religion is false. We dont go to church at all anymore because of my CPTSD and being triggered everytime we go. Its been 8 years. The next time my MIL harasses me she is getting a restraining order. Then you claim why would you care if he went back to being catholic, you would be dead! Thats not the point. The point was this woman was so mad he joined a lutheran church (after not going to ANY church for 10 years) she is hoping I would die or divorce I suppose and felt like she needed to tell me about it out of the blue, a couple years after the fact. Its creepy. Being invalidated makes it a whole lot worse.
I broke up with my boyfriend or he broke up with me (it was unclear) when we had a political disagreement 1 month in. 1) He was ideologically rigid and needed us to have consensus on it 2) I'm ideologically flexible, my views are well backed up, and I understand people create different solutions to reach the same goal I chose not to bend in that situation because... I want a lifetime partner & family. Our views will diverge numerous times over that period. I didn't want our future hanging on my willingness to always conform to his views. So I refused to do appeasement right out of the gate. He got to choose between resolving his toxic behavior OR immediately producing the eventual consequences of that behavior continuing. He chose the latter, ended things right there, and that was it. I was depressed for months BUT I saved myself years of suffering
You want to be, and be with intelligent people who can have a deep discussion, understand themselves, and have resolved much of their trauma. The peace of mind and harmony this brings is profound and not buyable.
to "emma": 18 months is nothing, moving in together is way too early. you'll end up disrespecting eachother. break up, your "love" is just something from your childhood you felt for a parental figure. you're just filling in gaps. not having the same politics means not having the same values. if you hate yourself and date somebody he is a punishment to yourself from yourself. don't go on to think love must be the fixpoint you'll have to orientate after, it's a feeling that'll pass. nothing but luxury. also, crappy childhoof fairy says in an other video you can't trust your gut feelings. so, you know. just break up.
I couldn't do it. This is why: We call it "politics", but what it really is , is our core values. Our fundamental principles. I have cut family and friends out of my life because the prior administration showed me who the people in my life really are. That may be harsh, yes but I refuse to spend any of my precious time with ppl who don't feel the same about humanity, the planet, human rights etc etc as I do. I don't really care if we are related or not. It's MY free time and I'll spend it with whomever I choose. It's MY choice.
Honestly you're kind of part of the problem if you label people as bad or evil solely because of what political side they're on. It's not such a black and white thing. There are good people on both sides, as well as bad people on both sides.
@@HyliaFell I never said there wasn't good & bad on both sides. I never mentioned bad or evil....you did. I just believe with ALL the bs that played out over 4 yrs and with very few ppl having the guts to hold him or any of his minions accountable (and some still don't), a lot of damage was done to our country. I don't want any part of anyone that condones that. I disagree with you totally.
You are completely brainwashed. I lost 88 years of friendships because of this divisiveness. You are losing more because of your delusional thinking about Trump. I know people like you. You are die hard heels in the sand will not listen to the other side. Think for yourself
@@Suzibird307 These things aren't exclusive to just him. If you pay attention to things from all sides, you will see bad stuff (often times even worse than recent things) have been occurring for decades. I didn't like any candidate, but I guess I just come from a different culture than you. Where I was at during this, it didn't matter who people voted for. You didn't break off family and friendships over something like politics. People could healthily disagree with each other about different things, candidates, etc, but it was rare to see someone cut ties with friends or family over it because we fortunately had the common sense not to do something so stupid. If you want to be like that, that's your choice, and I'm sure the people you cut out are probably having better lives for it as well to not be associated with someone shallow and ignorant.
@@HyliaFell This video and post asked for MY opinion and I gave it. If you don't like that, then scroll on. How does it make you feel to call me names? Does that make you feel superior? I can see why you're here. It sounds like you have a lot of work to do on yourself. Stop talking to me like you know me or the people in my life. You don't. Let me ask you 2 questions and let's see if you have the gonads to answer them. I bet you won't. 1. Do you even LIVE in the US? and 2. How old are you? Looking forward to see if you will put your money where your mouth is and answer me.
For me personally this is a hard no. But I have two friends who are both married to men with opposite political views. So it really comes down to how respectful two people are when talking about the subject. As well as maybe agreeing to not discuss it and then truly honoring that, not one person always getting in jabs while the other person stays quiet in order to keep the peace. For me it comes down to, we don't have to have the exact same political views on everything, but we need to be in the same ballpark value wise. There's some political areas that I don't feel that strongly about because I get what the other side is thinking/feeling and while I may not agree entirely I do understand. So essentially I'm more in the center with those or see the value in having balance between the two sides. But other areas are too deeply ingrained in my personal values that they are not negotiable - meaning I need a match on them when it comes to a partner.
I'm reading a lot of comments,a lot of people on here seem to be mixing values and politics,they are two very different subjects.a couple that support two different political parties can have the same values,although a couple can support the same political party and have different values and morals.people tht have opposing political beliefs can get on fine.although people with different values will definently struggle.thts my views anyway.im in the UK, every countries different.
Politics is important with someone. You either believe in peoples right to chose what they do with their bodies and possessions, or you’re an authoritarian. Politics is someone’s morality.
Yes. We need to get over the childish notion of "us vs. them" dispute how awful you feel about yourself. More over build better realtionships and reject the modern way of cult politics. If you look for differences, you will only find reasons to be radical.
do you want to hear a good one? i met and dated a gal for two years and we both were childhood victoms of family neglect and truma. yeah, we both had full blown cptsd but didnt know about it at that time. so you can imagine the wild emotional swings of each as we were in complete opposite stances both religious beliefs and politically. it was both the best of times and the worst of times for me. the good parts were we had a love connection, a wonderful intimatcy phisical connection, and our personalites connected as well. that is why it endured for two years. but on the other hand our core beliefs, world views, educations, life experiences, concepts, ideas, spirituality, and philosophical perspectives were as far apart as the west coast from the east. literally, she was from washington and i from new york.
Only Americans are making such a huge deal of opposing political parties at the minute though. To the point that something like COVID even gets politicised. Americas tribalism is cringy…
Excellent topic! Your answer, Anna, covered every aspect of the situation. Glad you covered this as I just started dating and turned someone down this weekend over differences I thought might become a problem later. Now I know I did the right thing. Thanks so much, you always have helpful topics!
I think we're missing one vital piece of information and that's the context in which letter-writer's boyfriend said he thought the values she holds are stupid and that he hated people with strong views like hers. Is it his real self coming through or a line he's learnt to parrot down the years to get accepted by his group? And if it was his real view, had he thought it through? Has he rethought it since meeting the letter-writer?
I see the fairy liked this one. So, I'm thinking that maybe he told her that he used to think that before he met her. In this case, I reiterate my reply to the fairy--you should not have redacted the letter so much that we could not understand what is actually going on. I'm an English teacher, and if you were presenting this in my class, you would not get a passing mark. You would, however; be allowed to do the assignment again. Which I would really like to see as the class and I are quite confused.
I don't like the smell of this. Maybe I'm biased, having been through something similar, but I don't think it's so much THAT your views diverge as HOW you disagree. If feelings are being hurt, it's often symptomatic of deeper trouble. In the course of a tempestuous 4 year relationship with a man 10 years my senior when I was about 20, I was once horrified when, having stupidly confided to him that my uncle, a frequent visitor at our house, was gay, found myself in the middle of a very unpleasant situation one Christmas. My boyfriend lived (rent-free) with my family for a time, and had our guest bedroom. One Christmas eve when we were out drinking, I casually mentioned that my uncle would be staying the night, as it was a twin room, and would be sleeping in the other bed. The 2 of them were well aquatinted and got on well. Unfortunately my boyfriend had very strong anti-gay views (he believed they 'should all be lined up and shot'), and adamantly refused to share the room with him that night, telling me that he'd sleep at a friend's before going home to bed! Even though he could see how distressed I was, as I didn't know what to say to cover for his absence, he would not budge. It always bothered me that he held those views, but I was more upset by the fact that in the context of my family, he didn't care how upset and embarrassed it made me, whilst openly discriminating against my uncle - who'd have been very hurt if he'd found out.
@@Starfish2145 😂 Thanks. He really was.. and then some! Only after we broke up was I told by people who i'd assumed would be on his 'side', the extent to which he had badly mistreated all his old gf's.
I couldn't disagree more. Okay, let's not talk about today. Cast your mind back 50 or 60 years. Would you want to accept the views of someone who proudly participates in lynchings?
People who have strong political views, conservative or liberal, see the world in different ways. This is probably where a romantic relationship would struggle.
There might be groups that meet around the same political persuasions, party, or candidates. There might be a nice single man there. It might be worth a try to find a like minded person.
Amazing video! I really, really appreciated this video! I am so tired of people demonizing others for their beliefs. I think it’s so important to learn WHY another person may feel the way they feel. I also think that it was incredibly astute of you to acknowledge that I don’t think that it is random that this women is picking certain men. I don’t think it is just haphazard. Maybe she really likes some characteristics about them - but maybe she is just super fearful about her own family’s and friends’ reactions. And I don’t say that lightly - it can be really nerve-wracking to “buck” the system or one’s family and friend network. And people can be tremendous bullies nowadays regarding politics and ostracizing people. I think the issue can be calmly addressed with her family and friends (if she wants to) as you said that some people just have some different ideas and to calm down! As long as these ideas don’t wind up being extremely offensive to her as a person, I think that you are right that some people are coming from different places and experiences. Also, as you said, we really don’t know the exact situation why this woman is picking people different from her, but I think it’s good for her to explore this - maybe even with a safe counselor (who is open to hearing different political beliefs). For example, one person might have had a horrible experience with cops, and another person might have had a great experience with cops. I think it’s important to hear each other’s stories and learn from them. Thank you so much for such an awesome video and for not bringing politics into your talks. I SO appreciate that! God bless you and your channel!! 🙏💖
I am in the same boat. It is frustrating, but i can see how his chidhood has him caught in the whirlwind. I wish we could agree to disagree on some things and still be okay in ourselves.
Someone who gives little importance to human rights, and believes they are somehow more entitled to anything is someone who I’d be quickly disenchanted with; in fact, have been. That says everything I need to know about their values. I’ve never had a thoughtful response from anyone of this bent when I’ve asked: “what policies do you support, and what is it you like about this person (politician)”. Immediate defensiveness has been the reaction followed by a superficial one liner; the kind one would get from a teenager. No true knowledge of the issues. Not even a basic understanding; if anything, woefully misinformed by a single propaganda outlet touting itself as “news”. As a trained documentary filmmaker, which is essentially an investigative journalist, I have no patience for this, either 1) willful or 2) lazy ignorance. I’m really not attracted to them, either. So, it’s fair to say such a relationship would have no future! .
Thanks. Interesting perspective. I wouldn't stay with someone who insults others no matter the politics. I used to try to appreciate other's perspectives, but I can't be with someone who is incompatible. I think it's toxic to subject yourself to someone who is incompatible (politics, religion & money).
Good subject. Had a disagreement with a friend that's so far left that whatever the extremists state are true. He agreed me to backup what I stated. I did, and it came from the director of this agency. She held a news conference.I look at fact. It keeps me more in the middle. Fact infuriated him to the point he Vegas the director was a buddy double actor, and it was a lie. I wasn't arguing with him, he was just livid. Idk if the truth hit home, or he is that extreme. Politics aside, if he'd listened to his docs in the first place, he wouldn't be in the physical condition he's in. He did suffer a traumatic loss of his fiance. He's my friend, but there's only a few subjects we can talk about at this time because anything stated the wrong way is taken personally even if it was a simple verbal mistake. I wish he'd get help for himself soon the healing over the loss can begin, and he can get some of the super nice guy back that's hiding under all the hurt.
I guess for me the question is why does she keep getting involved with people whose political views are so different from hers? Is she subconsciously trying to balance her views? Does she feel like she gets her value from trying to change their political beliefs? Maybe she doesn’t feel comfortable unless she’s struggling against someone in a relationship. I think it is possible to be friends with people with different views on political issues as long as both people can discuss things rationally and not emotionally, but too many people are too emotional these days.
With more “extreme” diametrically opposed views on moral issues, I can see how incompatibility could result if the couple were wanting to have children and teach them their own values. For a far right and a far left take on abortion, there doesn’t seem to be any obvious way for each side to transmit those values to their children without producing a lot of dissonance in the child who is being taught two different things.
Check out interviews with James Carville and his wife Mary Matlin. They are both former political strategists, one on the right, the other on the left. They fell in love regardless and don't manage to change each others' minds much but they can banter about politics in a healthy way. Watching them discuss, and even bicker in good humor is something to see, and very refreshing.
@@kariwattsup James Carville is a Democrat and political strategist, married to a Republican strategist. He's pretty center Democrat so that would help with them not being too far apart in that regards, especially if she is center Republican. He's from Louisiana and she's from Chicago, so they both grew up with probably many people around them having opposite political parties given that Louisiana where he's from is red and Chicago is blue. All of that would help, but regardless I give anyone willing and able to do that an honorary medal in how to maintain love and respect despite such different opinions. A sense of humor would be absolutely a requirement! And it sounds like they have it. :-)
@@kariwattsup a different James Carville. The one being mentioned here is highly intelligent, articulate, and full of humor as is his wife who is on the other end of the political spectrum.
has the boyfriend actually said “your values are stupid” and “i hate people who hold such views”? what was that “denigrating” statement? the letter, at least as redacted here, doesn’t provide concrete examples. that might be one reason why the fairy is offering an alternative interpretation of the situation.
That's exactly right. I redacted the letter a lot and in it's whole form, what I saw is that for her, the disagreement was more personal. He was not critical of her directly.
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Could you redo this video, reading out the letter in its entirety? It would help to resolve a lot of confusion about this video and your reply to her.
Some big ego issues surface in these situations. Marriage is one of many social relationships and familial relationships we have. Does the writer also refuse to respect coworkers who have opposing viewpoints?
I know this is slightly off topic but which kanban app do you use? I tried looking all over to see if you posted it somewhere other than talking about it but I cannot find it.
Maybe the reason she's attracted to men on his political spectrum is because they generally have more attractive attributes (like stability). I've seen this happen so many times so I'm guessing he's probably a conservative and considering how her families ENTIRE IDENTITY is their beliefs, they probably leftists. Commonly they are the most passionate, triggered and gather in groups for safety. Whereas a conservative can be alone with little support, but still love and protect the rights of the people around them. Notice how she's the one warning her family about him.
I have learned so much from you and your channel and will continue to listen. However, I think you missed the mark on this one. The boyfriend is not kind and respectful with his words towards her. You ignored that part and then said he has no issues with her views. I’m unclear and puzzled after listening to you today. Something is not making sense to me.
If you can’t get along with someone who has different political views, you need to grow up. This is the reason the USA is on the verge of a civil war. When you stop listening, you stop learning. If you put politics above basic human decency, you’re lost.
If a guys politics were too much for me we would not be together. I'm not a political person. It is crucial to stay informed all the way around. See, God KEEPS giving her the opportunity to outgrow her head from her butt. Get over that crud. Life is supposed to be good.
it’s ok to have a different favorite color … but I don’t see a healthy relationship between two people with totally different values. being friends with all kinds of people well rounds you .. but your partner should be someone who shares and understands your goals and values. It’s ok to want the best for you. No apologies. 🙏❤️✨
I agree. Being with someone you have to explain, and explain, and explain to and just doesn't get it is exhausting. And lonely.
Absolutely
“He’s doing an ok job of accepting you.”
No, he’s not. He told her that people who share her views are stupid, he said he HATES people with strong political views like hers, and she even cried over a denigrating remark he made. Someone who takes your feelings into account doesn’t behave like this.
So, you’re right in thinking she has contempt for him, but he has equal contempt for her, too. Ridicule may seem harmless, but it’s actually death by 1,000 cuts.
I agree this isn’t a fluke, but disagree that she’s dating him because she secretly wants her views to be challenged. There’s nothing in her letter to indicate that secret desire. Instead, she could be dating guys who disrespect her because she disrespects herself. You attract what’s not healed inside.
If she fears intimacy, then attracting a partner where true intimacy is unlikely keeps her safe.
Listening to people who challenge your views is a good thing. By weighing both sides, you make an informed decision about your beliefs rather than an impulsive one.
However, I believe shared values are what make a relationship last. You should feel your partner has your back and that won’t happen if they believe you’re stupid, naive, or crazy.
Thank you for stating this so eloquently.
thats my take too, im finding it hard to watch the rest of the vid, cos she dismissed this IMO
Idk it makes sense she’s attracted to the kind of guys that are produced by or at least drawn to the opposite political opinion. Maybe there’s a reason for that. However, being in a relationship with someone you disagree with on fundamental things sounds like a nightmare. I don’t believe compartmentalizing like that is healthy.
Yeah I’ve done this , too, and it made me feel awful compromising my values. It was especially harmful to my self esteem and relationships because the things he believed politically were actively harmful to marginalized groups, and most of my friends and family were apart of these groups (black, trans, gay, etc.). I didn’t know how to look my friends in the eye when I knew I was dating someone who believed awful things about them and I didn’t share those views. I eventually left and I still feel pretty guilty for being with such an icky person, knowing the things he said perpetuated harmful stereotypes and dangerous rhetoric towards people I love
I totally agree.
Maybe I'm weird, but no, nope, n'uh-uh, uh-uh, nahh, nothanx, nowayJose...and no. Though like bees, there's no way to avoid triggers, but why go into potential hornet nests?
I want to be with someone who doesn't have such a large built-in friction problem with me already.
~Ive met 7 different men that i liked over the past few years, that i chose not to date because of political differences~He must share my basic values for it to work~
also, if i was doubting so much that i wrote in to someone about my relationship, that to my mind is seeking approval/permission to initiate a breakup.
I was in relationships with opposing views. At first it was good, but when family came into the picture their family was very harsh towards my opinions. They made me so uncomfortable to even speak up, they said some hurtful things about race, I brought this up in the relationship due to it being my ethnicity. The person dismissed it and I had to end it. Now I only talk to people who share my values, it really drove me into a depression having to be afraid to speak up.
Letter: "My current boyfriend thinks the values I hold are stupid. He hates people with strong political views like mine, even though I explain 'these are MY views.' And it made me cry when he said something I considered denigrating about people with my views."
Fairy says: "It doesn't seem to bother him that much that you're different." ...apart from him openly saying that he hates people like her.
Fairy says: "...it sounds like he doesn't respect some values that you hold to be true and dear and IF I'm hearing you correctly, he's doing an ok job at accepting you." That sounds like a pretty big if.
Fairy, I know you're trying to walk a fine line in terms of reconnection in a relationship and reconnection in a wider community sense (in a very divided world). But I feel you're overvaluing this as a community reconnection teaching opportunity, rather than specific advice for someone who is clearly dating someone who denies the validity of some of her most fundamental values that she's held since she was a teenager and that she wants those values to be a big part of her life in the future:
"My political views have been a huge part of my life since I was a teenager and in my current work and in my plans for the future."
In any other situation you wouldn't hesitate to say get the hell out! But because it's politics, I fear you're trying to make it a teachable moment. A conflict in fundamental values is a ginormous red flag for a relationship - especially for someone with cptsd - and will have significant consequences for all aspects of life - family, children, friends, career, ...
I agree with what you say. I hope Anna/Fairy will reconsider.
To
Me too it sounded like she should book for the hills.
Also not for nothing she might feel like she’s coming for her because she (fairy) has some right wing values herself, I’ve picked up on that for sure watching her channel
If a person has no respect for your values, then he is not the person that you want in your life. Trust me.I married someone with very different values and no respect for me.I regret it.
@@ComradeFromRhody401 so?
just like someone else said: you don’t just marry an individual but their family, religion, and values as well. i don’t have kids but that’s what comes to mind. if me and my partner had different religions i would think, “ how would we raise our kids” and it’s almost
the same with politics IF you hold them as close as religion. i agree it’s good to understand and try to appreciate others views, but it just gets very messy when others like kids or parents are involved.
Do not enter relationships with people who advocate violence against you.
Amen. I'll never forget Maxine Waters demanding democrats revolt against anyone who thinks differently
Politics are more than opinions. These are values systems. I refuse to date people with certain political leanings, not because I fail to understand their point of view, or am unwilling to do the work, but because I find them to be incurably selfish, entitled, regressive, and sometimes openly hostile toward marginalized groups in ways that play out over and over and over again. I would rather be alone (I am quite happy alone). These may be armchair discussions for many who speak from a place of privilege, but 'politics' has very dire real-world consequences for many, and it's bigger than just triggering trauma. Anyone who tells me any of my firmly-held beliefs are 'stupid' and makes me cry about it does not respect or value me as a person. I hope this girl listens to her anger and leaves this toxic situation. I hope she finds healing to love herself and value her views and not settle for anyone who will treat her like this.
I cant do it, ive tried...The conversations are just too un-easy, I dont care for debate topics...they make me not want to be around that person. If someone thinks more along my lines, it's seems just easier to get along.
Why would you want to in the first place?
It’s one thing not agreeing on certain political policies and another when witnessing fanatical views/behaviours or expecting a partner to agree with you on every aspect of your political ideology. In short, extremes never seem to be able to adapt to a happy compromise. If someone’s political views make you sick from the outset, isn’t it better to scroll/walk on by? No amount of explaining or trying to debate on your part will ever bring them round. At best you’ll get a temporary ‘agree to disagree’ but mostly, usually when there’s an audience to lose face in front of, it results in anger, frustration, exhaustion and that feeling like you’ll never get that time back. There are so many people in the world to have good relationships with, who will share similar views, why endure your closest relationship with someone whose views create so much revulsion in you? Yes I agree with CCF that sometimes learning more about WHY others hold certain views can be educational - even if it’s just affirming that what you thought originally was correct. However, in my experience, for what it’s worth, eventually views and beliefs that revolt you about a partner at the start only deepen and harden over time. I hope the enquirer works out what she wants from this or any relationship...or perhaps what she doesn’t want. Avoiding endless debate or agreeing not to talk about certain things just wouldn’t be my idea of a full and fulfilling relationship. I wish her well it’s a tough one whether trauma based or not. ❤️
As an aside - it strikes me there might be a fear to move on here. Like perhaps it’ll be hard to get another partner if this one is given up. May be the underlying issue to address is not whether to compromise political views but whether to compromise happiness and the freedom to seek a relationship in which you’re comfortable to express all kinds of views around each other’s families. There’s no harm in being able to tolerate and be civil to people with different views etc it’s another to want them at your table or in your bed...there’s no shame in finding your tribe and in finding those there’s often a special person for you. ❤️
Exactly. Thanks for the comments.
If you feel like you have to compromise your moral (not just political) values to be with someone, you’re not a match.
We don't tend to discuss politics, as it tends to come across like baiting for an argument. After 45 years of marriage I love her too much to do that to both of us. Besides, everybody has the right to be wrong...and as upon occasion that happens to be ME, I guard how much hangin' rope I'm paying out.
My take;
Her advice is appropriate for family work and friendship relationships where politics differ
one doesnt want to be in a bubble etc etc
but a romantic relationship, you want to be on the same team, in harness together pulling in the same direction towards the same family goals, ethics, morals n values
his denigrating attitude about her politics is a big red flag n would be constant friction n triggering IMO
IMO she will squash herself in this relationship to 'keep the peace'
I too cautioned my family about my ex, while i was still 'madly in love' with him.
I think its fine to b in a relationship with someone without any strong political views, if one does, or if both have a polite curiosity and seek understanding of the other side. He clearly does not have this.
I think this 'political pattern' is because the Lady is attracted AND repelled by intimacy, much like how i keep going for 'dominant' men who are 'cold' towards me, cos i feel suffocated otherwise, even tho i long for relationships with more affection, im also repelled XD so could be my own projection lols!
Thanks for the wonderful video!
I think a big issue is sometimes people don't realize that their views or political stance can mean something completely different to another person.
One person could say they believe x thing and the other person makes assumptions that this person may be vindictive, hateful, or even against some specific groups of people's human rights (human rights should not be seen as political!). But neither of these people are inherently wrong and without communication there cannot be any compromise
It's hard but opening yourself up to communicate how you interpret something another person says or even taking the time to seperate someones views from their character can help keep you from jumping to conclusions that the individual is hateful and instead is either misguided or doesn't realize how you interpreted their views. They might be saying something completely different from what you've assumed. We all have different experiences and come from different places in life. Being open minded to all views (except those that are a facade for hate and control) is how we teach each other, learn together, and grow together as a community.
Teaching and understanding through open mindedness and patience leads to healthier relationships
And you mentioned some similar things I mentioned here I just like elaborating from my own understanding because it's how I learn best
I don't understand how you say something good in this relationship when he says things that make her cry. A big component is is he interested in coming together because it doesn't sound like he is by her letter. My hope is that he will listen to this video with her because if she is the only one looking for a solution I doubt this will get better
Because she's a snowflake that cries just because he doesn't agree with her political beliefs. It's not like he's beating her, calling her names or cheating on her otherwise that would have been mentioned.
@@EsotericOccultist "It's not like he's beating her".... your standards are low for what constitutes abuse. You're namecalling her.... I don't think you're being helpful here.
Please remember that there is a difference between politics and being racist/homophobic/transphobic etc. Lot of people on both sides of the spectrum like to hide behind the label of politics when they try to justify taking away people's basic human rights.
Thank you. Exactly.
I have to push back on your interpretation of the boyfriend. You say that having a difference of opinion is not the same thing as hating and stereotyping and disrespecting a person for their opinion. Isn't the boyfriend exhibiting hateful behavior when he calls strangers at the other end of political spectrum "morons"? Maybe he's nice to Emma because she's hiding, or at least not expressing her strong political views to him in fear that she'll lose him = therefore he does not beat her up over it. She doesn't want him to talk politics with her family because she knows they'll reject him. I draw the line when someone judges others without knowing them, and I'm just guessing he would laugh if she offered him a book to read, lol But I like your final comments :)
Love yes. Successful relationship no. In my country there are many different political parties, not just two. Me and my bf dont vote for the same party but they are both liberal groups and we have similiar values. Agree on the most important stuff like human rights and climate policy and disagree on some stuff thats not that important. Thats fine. But a far left and far right would never work.
Lost 88 years of friendships over politics. The worst part is, I have never been political. Independent all the way. Free thinker. Then I saw the unthinkable, democratic leaders demanding others to aggressively confront anyone who disagrees with platform. Amazing
It’s so timely that you brought this up!
If you substitute partner for therapist... there’s my dilemma, right there.
I saw a wonderful lady for over a year. She was very liberal progressive...I am a conservative.....
We matched perfectly until she started treating me differently as things heated up politically especially after Jan 6 when conservatives were blamed for that awful mess at the Capitol building.
I stopped seeing her soon after & it was very hurtful to me as I opened up to her a lot...
Now I’m starting therapy again after a family death & am TERRIFIED of bringing up politics again now. I don’t want to lose this therapist too....so I told him I won’t talk abt certain things- but that’s not good communication. It’s very messy- this NEW WORLD. And very sad.
Your right things have completely changed last couple years. Politics used to be safe for small talk, now many on your therapists side believe no disagreement is allowed.
@@lindaspiess3545 You wont let your postman on your property? Why?
@@lindaspiess3545 How do you know your postmans politics? Everyone has the right to protest of course there are idiots out there but I think most of it was staged. Be careful before judging people.
@@lindaspiess3545 There are creepy people out there. They come from all political areas and religions. I hold boundaries by not discussing politics with the mailman, the garbage man or the cashier at the grocery store. Its none of my business.
As a therapist, it was inappropriate for her to express her political stance. Remember back in the day that was one of things we werent supposed to talk about at work? Its time to start calling these people out and getting them out of these positions. They are poison to society.
I can't imagine being married to someone with opposing politics now. 10 years ago both sides were much more centrist and had overlap but that's all changed last 2 years. It is now truly opposing worldviews. Thank god my wife and children are with me on politics. A couple of extended family members have cut us off just by knowing our opinion on vaccine or on BLM without even discussion, ( or agreement not to discuss.)
Exactly true. Before 2016, things were different. Right now, democracy itself is on the line. That makes one's political views (and voting decisions) all the more critical.
Anne, this is the first time ever I hear you projecting your trauma into your work.
I am sorry your parents fought and did so violently.
But condoning staying in a relationship with such disrespect it is not healthy.
Politics are also related to morality and integrity.
So yes you can differ on opinions but NOT moral values.
Very iffy area you touched there.
For example: she gets pregnant and wants to abort for whatever reason.
She believes it is the best thing to do
He believes she should keep it at all cost.
See how opinions cannot converge?
I think you are projecting.
@@lindaspiess3545 Core values are aborting for whatever reason?
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy oof… to hit a “you are projecting” back with a curt [equivalent to] “no, YOU are projecting”…. I get why OP wouldn’t engage further.
In my case, I would say "yes, of course" to the question! I also have my own political view and when I was dating my husband back then, I knew he's from a totally different side of the political spectrum. However, different political views do not define me or him or our relationship. Our relationship has been healthy because we can discuss our different (political and whatever) views and sometimes laugh about them. I don't have to agree with him totally, and when he does not agree with me, it doesn't indicate that he stops loving me. Sometimes his different point of view actually helps me to walk away from my blind spots and I appreciate it!
Here's the thing, I do this all the time, but in my case the political is personal, and the way someone aligns themselves politically has real world effects that my community lives and feels. So for me it's almost an attempt to be humanized in the eyes of those who aren't seeing me and don't really care to, like my family did. What a great realization! That'll take a little rewiring, lol 🧠🧠 But yes, certain "political" mindsets are a deal breaker.
Well said! 👍🏼
Thanks so much for this video! In my journey of therapy, trying to fix myself, and learning how to think more clearly about myself and the world, I ended up reading a lot of fundamental books about the world and epistemology/uncertainty in particular. Now, I can no longer think of my political "opponents" as evil or stupid, but real people with rich lives, experiences and intelligence. My political opinions, too, have changed a lot, taking me from a moderate on one side of the spectrum to closer to the centre. The downside of this is now I feel extremely alone when it comes to my friends, as they are still moderates/towards the end of the spectrum, and are quick to label me with denigrating terms whenever I question how certain we can be about our political beliefs. I realise now that I had found solace in them as "open minded" people when I had the perception that people on the other side of the spectrum were threatening our way of life.
I still find it disheartening that politics today can cut through friendship and family when these are usually the most meaningful things we have in life. I come from a country where religious riots are not rare, and even then I've never had disputes with friends over religion. But these days, any mention of politics is a minefield. I'd love it if you could also do a video of how to deal with this when it comes to friends and family too.
I don't have to watch this one to know the answer: Yes! One of my closest friends and I have completely opposite political views. We just can't discuss politics, because it's unnecessary and nothing productive ever comes of it. But she's a wonderful friend and a wonderful person. For a partner relationship, that'd be different for me. Among the other qualities I'm looking for, being on or at least near the same page would be important.
You gave great advice to this woman. The sad thing is that people with so committed views, can sometimes be unlikely to change. Politics and the side people choose, is definitely related to mental health. The ability to learn and to change and to entertain new ideas, requires people to have got to square one on the self-discovery road.
I may not entirely agree with your answer, but I love that you did a video on this! I've wondered about this for ages. I have friends who are married to people with opposite political views and I respect them for it, but also acknowledge it's not what I want for myself. I have friendships with differing political views, but I just don't want that in a partner.
Before making callous remarks on other peoples posts in this community, keep in mind we are on this channel for a reason. My MIL "dreaming of me dying" so her son could go back to being Catholic while you assumed I pressured him into choosing a different religion is false. We dont go to church at all anymore because of my CPTSD and being triggered everytime we go. Its been 8 years. The next time my MIL harasses me she is getting a restraining order. Then you claim why would you care if he went back to being catholic, you would be dead! Thats not the point. The point was this woman was so mad he joined a lutheran church (after not going to ANY church for 10 years) she is hoping I would die or divorce I suppose and felt like she needed to tell me about it out of the blue, a couple years after the fact. Its creepy. Being invalidated makes it a whole lot worse.
I broke up with my boyfriend or he broke up with me (it was unclear) when we had a political disagreement 1 month in.
1) He was ideologically rigid and needed us to have consensus on it
2) I'm ideologically flexible, my views are well backed up, and I understand people create different solutions to reach the same goal
I chose not to bend in that situation because... I want a lifetime partner & family. Our views will diverge numerous times over that period. I didn't want our future hanging on my willingness to always conform to his views. So I refused to do appeasement right out of the gate.
He got to choose between resolving his toxic behavior OR immediately producing the eventual consequences of that behavior continuing. He chose the latter, ended things right there, and that was it. I was depressed for months BUT I saved myself years of suffering
You want to be, and be with intelligent people who can have a deep discussion, understand themselves, and have resolved much of their trauma.
The peace of mind and harmony this brings is profound and not buyable.
I'm being amazed by the explanation! ... its warmth, its logic, its depth... A REAL FAIRYLIKE ATTITUDE
Why thank you! This one really pissed off some people.
to "emma": 18 months is nothing, moving in together is way too early. you'll end up disrespecting eachother. break up, your "love" is just something from your childhood you felt for a parental figure. you're just filling in gaps. not having the same politics means not having the same values. if you hate yourself and date somebody he is a punishment to yourself from yourself. don't go on to think love must be the fixpoint you'll have to orientate after, it's a feeling that'll pass. nothing but luxury. also, crappy childhoof fairy says in an other video you can't trust your gut feelings. so, you know. just break up.
Please don't have children together....
I couldn't do it. This is why: We call it "politics", but what it really is , is our core values. Our fundamental principles. I have cut family and friends out of my life because the prior administration showed me who the people in my life really are. That may be harsh, yes but I refuse to spend any of my precious time with ppl who don't feel the same about humanity, the planet, human rights etc etc as I do. I don't really care if we are related or not. It's MY free time and I'll spend it with whomever I choose. It's MY choice.
Honestly you're kind of part of the problem if you label people as bad or evil solely because of what political side they're on. It's not such a black and white thing. There are good people on both sides, as well as bad people on both sides.
@@HyliaFell I never said there wasn't good & bad on both sides. I never mentioned bad or evil....you did. I just believe with ALL the bs that played out over 4 yrs and with very few ppl having the guts to hold him or any of his minions accountable (and some still don't), a lot of damage was done to our country. I don't want any part of anyone that condones that. I disagree with you totally.
You are completely brainwashed. I lost 88 years of friendships because of this divisiveness. You are losing more because of your delusional thinking about Trump. I know people like you. You are die hard heels in the sand will not listen to the other side. Think for yourself
@@Suzibird307 These things aren't exclusive to just him. If you pay attention to things from all sides, you will see bad stuff (often times even worse than recent things) have been occurring for decades.
I didn't like any candidate, but I guess I just come from a different culture than you. Where I was at during this, it didn't matter who people voted for. You didn't break off family and friendships over something like politics. People could healthily disagree with each other about different things, candidates, etc, but it was rare to see someone cut ties with friends or family over it because we fortunately had the common sense not to do something so stupid. If you want to be like that, that's your choice, and I'm sure the people you cut out are probably having better lives for it as well to not be associated with someone shallow and ignorant.
@@HyliaFell This video and post asked for MY opinion and I gave it. If you don't like that, then scroll on. How does it make you feel to call me names? Does that make you feel superior? I can see why you're here. It sounds like you have a lot of work to do on yourself. Stop talking to me like you know me or the people in my life. You don't. Let me ask you 2 questions and let's see if you have the gonads to answer them. I bet you won't. 1. Do you even LIVE in the US? and 2. How old are you? Looking forward to see if you will put your money where your mouth is and answer me.
For me personally this is a hard no. But I have two friends who are both married to men with opposite political views. So it really comes down to how respectful two people are when talking about the subject. As well as maybe agreeing to not discuss it and then truly honoring that, not one person always getting in jabs while the other person stays quiet in order to keep the peace.
For me it comes down to, we don't have to have the exact same political views on everything, but we need to be in the same ballpark value wise. There's some political areas that I don't feel that strongly about because I get what the other side is thinking/feeling and while I may not agree entirely I do understand. So essentially I'm more in the center with those or see the value in having balance between the two sides. But other areas are too deeply ingrained in my personal values that they are not negotiable - meaning I need a match on them when it comes to a partner.
I'm reading a lot of comments,a lot of people on here seem to be mixing values and politics,they are two very different subjects.a couple that support two different political parties can have the same values,although a couple can support the same political party and have different values and morals.people tht have opposing political beliefs can get on fine.although people with different values will definently struggle.thts my views anyway.im in the UK, every countries different.
If her views were so important to her, why is she with him? I totally agree with everything you've mentioned.
Politics is important with someone. You either believe in peoples right to chose what they do with their bodies and possessions, or you’re an authoritarian. Politics is someone’s morality.
Yes. We need to get over the childish notion of "us vs. them" dispute how awful you feel about yourself. More over build better realtionships and reject the modern way of cult politics. If you look for differences, you will only find reasons to be radical.
do you want to hear a good one? i met and dated a gal for two years and we both were childhood victoms of family neglect and truma. yeah, we both had full blown cptsd but didnt know about it at that time. so you can imagine the wild emotional swings of each as we were in complete opposite stances both religious beliefs and politically. it was both the best of times and the worst of times for me. the good parts were we had a love connection, a wonderful intimatcy phisical connection, and our personalites connected as well. that is why it endured for two years. but on the other hand our core beliefs, world views, educations, life experiences, concepts, ideas, spirituality, and philosophical perspectives were as far apart as the west coast from the east. literally, she was from washington and i from new york.
Only Americans are making such a huge deal of opposing political parties at the minute though. To the point that something like COVID even gets politicised. Americas tribalism is cringy…
Yes there is no political conflict anywhere else in the world. Only in America. brilliant point genius🙄
@esotericoccultist you have a good point but maybe edit to take that unkind comment off the end? This is a no-put-down zone.
you havent been paying attention to the uk then lol
The problem in America is that all politics stand in the spectrum on the right. There is no real left just centered right
@@EsotericOccultist No other country is turning its politicians into global celebrities though, and its not just Trump......
Excellent topic! Your answer, Anna, covered every aspect of the situation. Glad you covered this as I just started dating and turned someone down this weekend over differences I thought might become a problem later. Now I know I did the right thing. Thanks so much, you always have helpful topics!
I think we're missing one vital piece of information and that's the context in which letter-writer's boyfriend said he thought the values she holds are stupid and that he hated people with strong views like hers. Is it his real self coming through or a line he's learnt to parrot down the years to get accepted by his group? And if it was his real view, had he thought it through? Has he rethought it since meeting the letter-writer?
I see the fairy liked this one. So, I'm thinking that maybe he told her that he used to think that before he met her. In this case, I reiterate my reply to the fairy--you should not have redacted the letter so much that we could not understand what is actually going on. I'm an English teacher, and if you were presenting this in my class, you would not get a passing mark. You would, however; be allowed to do the assignment again. Which I would really like to see as the class and I are quite confused.
No. My political beliefs are based on morals I refuse to compromise.
I don't like the smell of this. Maybe I'm biased, having been through something similar, but I don't think it's so much THAT your views diverge as HOW you disagree. If feelings are being hurt, it's often symptomatic of deeper trouble.
In the course of a tempestuous 4 year relationship with a man 10 years my senior when I was about 20, I was once horrified when, having stupidly confided to him that my uncle, a frequent visitor at our house, was gay, found myself in the middle of a very unpleasant situation one Christmas. My boyfriend lived (rent-free) with my family for a time, and had our guest bedroom. One Christmas eve when we were out drinking, I casually mentioned that my uncle would be staying the night, as it was a twin room, and would be sleeping in the other bed. The 2 of them were well aquatinted and got on well. Unfortunately my boyfriend had very strong anti-gay views (he believed they 'should all be lined up and shot'), and adamantly refused to share the room with him that night, telling me that he'd sleep at a friend's before going home to bed! Even though he could see how distressed I was, as I didn't know what to say to cover for his absence, he would not budge. It always bothered me that he held those views, but I was more upset by the fact that in the context of my family, he didn't care how upset and embarrassed it made me, whilst openly discriminating against my uncle - who'd have been very hurt if he'd found out.
@@Starfish2145 😂 Thanks. He really was.. and then some! Only after we broke up was I told by people who i'd assumed would be on his 'side', the extent to which he had badly mistreated all his old gf's.
We all need to learn to get along and accept others views,...
I couldn't disagree more. Okay, let's not talk about today. Cast your mind back 50 or 60 years. Would you want to accept the views of someone who proudly participates in lynchings?
People who have strong political views, conservative or liberal, see the world in different ways. This is probably where a romantic relationship would struggle.
There might be groups that meet around the same political persuasions, party, or candidates. There might be a nice single man there. It might be worth a try to find a like minded person.
Amazing video! I really, really appreciated this video! I am so tired of people demonizing others for their beliefs. I think it’s so important to learn WHY another person may feel the way they feel.
I also think that it was incredibly astute of you to acknowledge that I don’t think that it is random that this women is picking certain men. I don’t think it is just haphazard. Maybe she really likes some characteristics about them - but maybe she is just super fearful about her own family’s and friends’ reactions. And I don’t say that lightly - it can be really nerve-wracking to “buck” the system or one’s family and friend network. And people can be tremendous bullies nowadays regarding politics and ostracizing people.
I think the issue can be calmly addressed with her family and friends (if she wants to) as you said that some people just have some different ideas and to calm down! As long as these ideas don’t wind up being extremely offensive to her as a person, I think that you are right that some people are coming from different places and experiences.
Also, as you said, we really don’t know the exact situation why this woman is picking people different from her, but I think it’s good for her to explore this - maybe even with a safe counselor (who is open to hearing different political beliefs).
For example, one person might have had a horrible experience with cops, and another person might have had a great experience with cops. I think it’s important to hear each other’s stories and learn from them.
Thank you so much for such an awesome video and for not bringing politics into your talks. I SO appreciate that!
God bless you and your channel!! 🙏💖
I am in the same boat. It is frustrating, but i can see how his chidhood has him caught in the whirlwind. I wish we could agree to disagree on some things and still be okay in ourselves.
Someone who gives little importance to human rights, and believes they are somehow more entitled to anything is someone who I’d be quickly disenchanted with; in fact, have been. That says everything I need to know about their values. I’ve never had a thoughtful response from anyone of this bent when I’ve asked: “what policies do you support, and what is it you like about this person (politician)”. Immediate defensiveness has been the reaction followed by a superficial one liner; the kind one would get from a teenager. No true knowledge of the issues. Not even a basic understanding; if anything, woefully misinformed by a single propaganda outlet touting itself as “news”.
As a trained documentary filmmaker, which is essentially an investigative journalist, I have no patience for this, either 1) willful or 2) lazy ignorance. I’m really not attracted to them, either.
So, it’s fair to say such a relationship would have no future!
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Thanks. Interesting perspective. I wouldn't stay with someone who insults others no matter the politics. I used to try to appreciate other's perspectives, but I can't be with someone who is incompatible. I think it's toxic to subject yourself to someone who is incompatible (politics, religion & money).
Good subject. Had a disagreement with a friend that's so far left that whatever the extremists state are true. He agreed me to backup what I stated. I did, and it came from the director of this agency. She held a news conference.I look at fact. It keeps me more in the middle. Fact infuriated him to the point he Vegas the director was a buddy double actor, and it was a lie. I wasn't arguing with him, he was just livid. Idk if the truth hit home, or he is that extreme. Politics aside, if he'd listened to his docs in the first place, he wouldn't be in the physical condition he's in. He did suffer a traumatic loss of his fiance. He's my friend, but there's only a few subjects we can talk about at this time because anything stated the wrong way is taken personally even if it was a simple verbal mistake. I wish he'd get help for himself soon the healing over the loss can begin, and he can get some of the super nice guy back that's hiding under all the hurt.
I guess for me the question is why does she keep getting involved with people whose political views are so different from hers? Is she subconsciously trying to balance her views? Does she feel like she gets her value from trying to change their political beliefs? Maybe she doesn’t feel comfortable unless she’s struggling against someone in a relationship. I think it is possible to be friends with people with different views on political issues as long as both people can discuss things rationally and not emotionally, but too many people are too emotional these days.
I'm with you! Most commenters didn't seem to pick up that she was going for the type again and again, and said she would again.
I think this used to be possible, but it isn't anymore.
With more “extreme” diametrically opposed views on moral issues, I can see how incompatibility could result if the couple were wanting to have children and teach them their own values. For a far right and a far left take on abortion, there doesn’t seem to be any obvious way for each side to transmit those values to their children without producing a lot of dissonance in the child who is being taught two different things.
Check out interviews with James Carville and his wife Mary Matlin. They are both former political strategists, one on the right, the other on the left. They fell in love regardless and don't manage to change each others' minds much but they can banter about politics in a healthy way. Watching them discuss, and even bicker in good humor is something to see, and very refreshing.
They're both predators?
Do you mean James Carville the one who is or was the grand wizard for the KKK? Or am I having an inaccurate memory moment?
@@kariwattsup James Carville is a Democrat and political strategist, married to a Republican strategist. He's pretty center Democrat so that would help with them not being too far apart in that regards, especially if she is center Republican. He's from Louisiana and she's from Chicago, so they both grew up with probably many people around them having opposite political parties given that Louisiana where he's from is red and Chicago is blue. All of that would help, but regardless I give anyone willing and able to do that an honorary medal in how to maintain love and respect despite such different opinions. A sense of humor would be absolutely a requirement! And it sounds like they have it. :-)
@@kariwattsup Drunk text?
@@kariwattsup a different James Carville. The one being mentioned here is highly intelligent, articulate, and full of humor as is his wife who is on the other end of the political spectrum.
She should date someone else that has TDS like she does 🤷♂️
Thank you for your totally sane response Anna. There is far too much division over ‘polytrix’. Spirituality is far more important.
Why I avoid Twitter..
My British friends call it something far more appropriate. Just replace its first vowel with the first vowel of the alphabet. 😉
has the boyfriend actually said “your values are stupid” and “i hate people who hold such views”? what was that “denigrating” statement? the letter, at least as redacted here, doesn’t provide concrete examples. that might be one reason why the fairy is offering an alternative interpretation of the situation.
That's exactly right. I redacted the letter a lot and in it's whole form, what I saw is that for her, the disagreement was more personal. He was not critical of her directly.
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Could you redo this video, reading out the letter in its entirety? It would help to resolve a lot of confusion about this video and your reply to her.
I only care what she thinks about Murray Rothbard.😁
Beautiful loving words of wisdom Anna. I really like the anthropologist attitude you're advising. Not always easy but high payoff.
Definitely not
Quite!
Big challenge lol we all feel we are right,is rather not go there!! Id rather talk health care!!
Eh….NO!!!
Hi. Have you ever done a video on cptsd patients who end up in affairs with their therapists?
Some big ego issues surface in these situations. Marriage is one of many social relationships and familial relationships we have. Does the writer also refuse to respect coworkers who have opposing viewpoints?
I have a family member who suffers from TDS, hates anyone who ever voted for him.
I know this is slightly off topic but which kanban app do you use? I tried looking all over to see if you posted it somewhere other than talking about it but I cannot find it.
kanbanflow
N. O. No.
Hi. Have you ever done a video on cptsd patients who end up in affairs with their therapists?
No
No. Not possible. But great topic
Maybe the reason she's attracted to men on his political spectrum is because they generally have more attractive attributes (like stability).
I've seen this happen so many times so I'm guessing he's probably a conservative and considering how her families ENTIRE IDENTITY is their beliefs, they probably leftists. Commonly they are the most passionate, triggered and gather in groups for safety. Whereas a conservative can be alone with little support, but still love and protect the rights of the people around them. Notice how she's the one warning her family about him.
:)
I have learned so much from you and your channel and will continue to listen. However, I think you missed the mark on this one. The boyfriend is not kind and respectful with his words towards her. You ignored that part and then said he has no issues with her views. I’m unclear and puzzled after listening to you today. Something is not making sense to me.
If you can’t get along with someone who has different political views, you need to grow up. This is the reason the USA is on the verge of a civil war. When you stop listening, you stop learning. If you put politics above basic human decency, you’re lost.
Emma: toxic feminist who wants an actual man, not a they/them non person. The boyfriend should run away and get a real woman
If a guys politics were too much for me we would not be together. I'm not a political person. It is crucial to stay informed all the way around.
See, God KEEPS giving her the opportunity to outgrow her head from her butt. Get over that crud. Life is supposed to be good.
We all have to be with people (in relationships) who will treat us with dignity and respect. Period. Full stop.
Nope nope nope!!!