What Is Emotional Incest?
ฝัง
- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 7 ส.ค. 2024
- Emotional incest is when a parent doesn’t have any healthy boundary between themselves and their child. They rely on their child for emotional support and treat them like a partner instead of a child. Meaning that they may cry to their child about their divorce or a break up, even sharing sexually explicit details with their child treating them like a friend or even a spouse. This can be a huge burden on the child and make them feel pressure to “fix” whatever’s going on. In a perfect world, a child would be free to be a child, and socialize with other children. In an emotionally incestual relationship, a child often feels guilty if they leave their parent at home or knows just how much their parent needs them so they won’t engage in after school activities.
If a parent is sharing things that as a child you shouldn’t know, that’s a red flag. Now I know that may be hard to recognize, so ask your friends, and see what their parents share with them...
I'm Kati Morton, a licensed therapist making Mental Health videos!
#katimorton #therapist #therapy
MY BOOKS (in stores now)
Traumatized geni.us/Bfak0j
Are u ok? bit.ly/2s0mULy
ONLINE THERAPY
While I do not currently offer online therapy, BetterHelp can connect you with a licensed, online therapist, please visit: betterhelp.com/kati
Join this channel to get access to perks:
/ @katimorton
PATREON www.katimorton.com/kati-morto...
YOU CAN SUPPORT THE CHANNEL BY SHOPPING WITH OUR AFFILIATE LINKS
Instacart: www.instacart.oloiyb.net/y2j2GB
Amazon: www.amazon.com/shop/katimorton
PARTNERSHIP
Linnea Toney linnea@underscoretalent.com
PLEASE READ
If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, please call a local emergency telephone number or go immediately to the nearest emergency room.
I feel sick. I didn’t know this had a word. My mother gave me details of her sex life with my dad and with my step dad and she cried on my shoulder constantly. She talked to me about her sexual desires. 😐
Courtney, it took me decades to realize how sick family can be. I’m now 6 months no-contact and not playing along anymore. While it’s sad it’s also beyond my control. There’s no going back to the crazy for me.
I'm so sorry she did that to you. I hope you are able to get some good counseling. I didn't know how much it affected me. I am in healing process. 💕
That's normal
Ouch
Holly And they say that family comes first. I personally have a problem with this phrase because of you're talking about. Can anyone relate?
Sees title
“that sounds weird”
Reads description
“Holy shit it’s my mom”
LMFAO
This was my exact reaction
Same reaction...
I KNOW😮
My parents' boundaries seem to be 'NO TALKING about anything we did to you when you were younger, no talking about the trauma you sustained from what we did, no talking in general about anythign that makes us remotely uncomfortable'. No talking.
Same. It’s even worse they have a therapist enabling them to act like this by literally validating their abuses as them just “doing their best”. Makes me wonder if they’re not telling the whole story to the therapist or if the therapist is as sick in the head as them.
I just got out. It took me 30yrs but I’m out. For the first time in my life I don’t feel alone. I have great people in my life who make me feel like I can grow as a person.
Someday.
Thank you for sharing.
How did you get out?
@@Rogue.29 he found the key, I don't know he never told us
I'm reading this 2 years later, but feel happy for you.
i didn’t even know this was a thing. but it sounds like what my mom does. this kind of reminds me of a parentified child
marisa swanson I was thinking the same about it being like a parentified child
Yes! Parentified! I was responsible for my mom’s emotional state as far as never being able to express negative emotions that they inflicted but that’s more narcissistic, I think.
I was definitely parentified. I had to take care of my you her siblings. My mom would be upset and guilt trip me anytime I went out because it made it harder for her to carry on her affair which she often shared the explicit details of with me. I didn’t know this was a thing but now I’m like horrified at how much I can relate.
Sadly I can deeply relate to this .
@@MDWLRK7 yes i can relate so much to that.
Holy shit. Thank you. I had no idea I went through that. Just a couple of weeks ago, I was having some suicidal idéations because I was feeling so guilty over not being able to “save” my mother emotionally... wow.
I am so glad this was helpful and came at a good time. xxoo
I think I just put together why I had OCD and counting rituals I did repeatedly to 'protect' my Mom. For years. Holy hell. What a revelation. Had she been normal none of that would have developed. Wow.
I am 44 years old. I just realized emotion incest was part of my childhood. Thank you for your video
I had no knowledge of emotional incest until now, and it's shocking to me that my relationship with my mother is exactly like this.
Emotional incest is what happens when Mom is a selfish, needy, irrational narcissist. Yay…
Kati’s advice about moving out is the best advice. Parents may never work through their issues and be part of healthy relationships. That doesn’t mean that we have to stay locked into the toxicity. Set yourselves free and love your parent from afar if need be.
My mom is also a selfish need irrational narcissist. But also a drunk lol.
But also don't love if you don't want.
Until they get older and need taking care of and you cant afford to put them in a home...
You need to be clearer about this since you are giving advice... Emotional Incest isn't about Mothers. Anyone with a close personal relationship to a child can be guilty of this.
I suffered emotional incest from my mom. Her husband was emotionally unavailable, she laid almost all her distresses on my back. I couldn't have friends that weren't hers too (her friends were women and grandmas). Fortunately she passed away 8 years ago, she rest in peace, and I can walk the path of healing. Thank Kati.
Fortunately 😂😂
Some people don't respect their parents, who brought them into this world. Honestly, such disrespect.
@@Happydancer9 💯💯
What a horrible person
@Count Roy My comment was really old, so I don't see why it would be replied to after a year. In any case, I don't see why you can't "follow your dreams". Nobody talked about slaves. The person who commented above said "Fortunately she passed away" - it's rather ill to speak of the deceased. That is my only concern - the lack of disrespect towards the deceased and to parents in general.
My mom talks about her sex life all the time. Her preferences and how often she has it with my dad. Like she talks about how much she loves his thing, and she doesn't get why I want to vomit. It's freaking gross.
Pinky Dinky I’m sorry you have to listen to that! ☹️
I’m so sorry, that’s awful
That's awful 😭
that's disgusting
Eww. I would be grossed out if my mom did the same thing that I would up just say, "YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, I DON'T NEED TO HEAR THAT!" As I retreated to my room very quickly. I don't care if it's my family or a friend, I don't need to hear the details of their sexual experience!
Both my parents do this and I only realized it thanks to this video. My mom talks about my dad, my dad talks about my mom, they both try to guilt trip me into staying with them or spending time with them. My dad likes to tell me that my Mom’s a prude. It’s like they think I’m their mariage counsellor. It’s exhausting.
It's frustrating I've deal with this too and this video made me realize this.
Kaminailia As a child of divorce I can relate. My mom didn’t overshare but my step-dad would talk down to my mom. My mom did place a lot of responsibility on me at a young age as if I was a spouse.
That sounds like triangulation. Its something I experience too.
I have experienced exactly the same thing too. Because of that I only have very few friends. I couldn't even talk or hang out with them as I wanted to. I am so homesick now. Still feeling sad because there isn't even one who I can call my best friend.
I think I’m the guilty one with my story I was like this towards my goddaughter and her parents got upset and separated us because of my issues not just with obsessed with her also other issues I had too I haven’t seen her in 3 years and she’s 16 now I’m 28
Worst thing is I bet she forgot all about me and she’s still in my head rent free more recently since her bday passed by and when I found her on tik tok I made one because of her but I didn’t say anything to her because I can’t risk saying anything especially what happened years ago with me and her parents
My mum always talks about personal things about her body health issues or she will just unlock the bathroom door when I’m in there and walk in and say it’s only me. She thinks it’s her just being free and open but it’s creepy and pisses me off
I am sorry you have to go through this. Your mum is not respecting your personal boundaries, your privacy. If you feel uncomfortable then it is wrong. I hope you can reach out to someone for help.
@@alexcole4970 Well the first person to reach out to is her mum, just "would you mind not doing this".
@@hailandplaice if she feels safe doing so then of course. I was not making assumptions of there relationship. I was making the point that finding support and talking about it was important.
Sam Cole thanks I went no contact a couple of weeks ago but luckily I live far away from her now
@@alexcole4970 I think it's always best to not escalate things or make things seem more serious than are, when they can just be dealt with by discussing stuff with a parent. Obviously if the parent just carries on and ignores the requests, that's a problem and kids should and either ask a trusted elder sibling/aunt/uncle/grand parent to try and persuade the parent to act differently or see a school counsellor or medic if that is not possible.
Oh wow. I didn't know this was an unhealthy thing, all of my family treats me like that. I have complex PTSD and this video just solidified my suspicions towards why. I mean, I have been through physical and mental abuse, as well as neglect, but if my parents were having a "normal" day, that is how they would treat me. They cried, yelled and shared their insecurities with me, but I was never allowed to do the same and was brushed off. And it is still like this. I am 23 years old and my mother won't stop trying to keep me around her at all times, asking me very personal stuff and going through my things. I thought all parents were like this...
nope! this is unusual. I'm glad you've realized; it sounds like they have been dealing with you in unhealthy ways
My situation exactly. Solidarity.
My heart goes out to you and everyone who has been treated so inappropriately - such things infuriate me. Got some of that too back then...
I had a very similar experience with my family, where this sort of situation where I had to be the adult and teach them how to express their emotions in a healthy way happened over and over...me thinking I could fix them is what landed me getting kicked out and not prepared for it, cuz these emotionally immature or "incestuous" as Kati Morton puts it (which I love, since it really shows how heartbreaking, difficult, and unfair it is for a child) days were their good days. On their worst or worse days, they were neglectful our outright emotionally or physically abusive, and it wasn't just my parents but my older brother as well. It's funny really reflecting on it now, because I see that on the days when my mother isn't literally pinning my sister against the wall or incapacitating me by holding me down, she has turned into a sickeningly sweet almost child-like creatures who ponies her children around like accessories and forces us, esspECIALLY my little brother who is so sweet and caring, to care for her every need, even help her do her job if necessary and definitely do emotional labor for her. I feel bad because my little brother (who is the only one who lives with them now, as they have chased all the rest of us away, really dangerously for my sister and I who were pushed out far before we had any semblance of financial stability) will literally tell me stories of how he says things like "I see what you are saying, is it ___?" to my mother, or something else to validate and pacify her. He is possibly not as emotionally or physically abused and me and my other siblings who are all older than him, but I am sure that this pain is something he does carry and will carry as well for the rest of his life. I really hope that all of us with these unhealthy family dynamics can heal as best as we can, doing our best everyday, and reclaim our abilities that we learned in these toxic situations back for ourselves and the truly healthy support systems that we develop in our lives outside of the toxic and abusive home environment.
It's not unsual for a parent to be caring and protective. Its just simply fucking unbearable.
My mother shares a bed with me even though she has her own room and when i tell her to sleep in her own room she gets angry and guilt trips me into caving in. I'm 18
If you can afford someplace else to live, do it! If not lock your bedroom door. Explain to her it makes you uncomfortable. If you're in college get a dorm room, if not try to earn enough to get an apartment. This is kind of bizarre behavior. ❤
That's a little far.
What the hell.. Didn't know this was a thing
That’s some real serious attachment issues especially at this age. Please seek help.
xisobelx373 Wow, that’s seems like it was so violating. Hope you can get help.
My mom does this a lot. When growing up she treated me like a partner even sharing her sexual experiences that she has had. By the time I became an adult I was emotionally dead. I just didn't feel anything for her anymore. My siblings and I were all adults and we left her house together. She tried to use these techniques on my brother for the first couple of weeks. Getting him to visit her on his weekends and help her garden or do random housework. One day I saw how frustrated he was about having to go see her. I told him if he wants his weekends back he was going to have to accept being a bad child. We went together since I had some business with her and he stood up to her. She really tried to guilt the both of us. I calmly told her we had grown up and it was time for her to do the same. Of course she was upset and claimed we didn't love her anymore and my brother and I just left. While we were in the car I could tell my brother felt guilty. I told him that guilt you feel is how you know you still care. He said that helped him feel a lot better and I told him this doesn't mean you won't see her again it just means it will be on your terms not hers.
8743051749 whatsaap me
"You don't love me anymore," the catchphrase of the emotionally incestual parent. It's sad that to this point in time now it's true
I hated to go on a youth trip or spend the night with my friends and then going home because there was no privacy or I was treated like an extension of my mother. It was 20 questions as soon as I got home with no breathers. If I didn’t feel like talking, she got mad and guilt tripped me and would say, “Fine! I won’t say another word!” It wasn’t a physically abusive environment but VERY manipulative and neither of my parents had the tools to understand when they were crossing boundaries except my dad was more open to realizing he was wrong and would eventually apologize. My mother’s apologies, if there was one, would always end with, “but let me tell you what you did” or manipulate me more or just lie. When I wanted to go to prom my junior year, (and I knew my family had the money because again, they talked about everything around us) she made me feel like a horrible person and lashed out bc I wanted to go. It really caught me off guard bc it was SO out of the blue.
QuirkFrame Industries I am so sorry you experienced this growing up. I had a similar situation although my dad passed when I was nine so my mother was a single mom. I was her crutch and she would lash out at me but at the same time I defended her behavior by saying she was just doing the best she could. Now I’m 22 and my counselor told me something very powerful: yes your mother might have been doing her best but that doesn’t mean it was the best for you. This was validating to me without bashing my mom which made me feel good to know it wasn’t my fault but it wasn’t hers either. I hope this helps. 🙂
I am so sorry you went through all of that growing up :( But thank you so much for sharing your experience. I hope this helps others out there who may be struggling... and I also hope this video was helpful :) xoxo
Kati Morton Thanks, Kati! I’m pretty sure she’s a cluster B personality. She goes through these times where she’ll be nice and that might last for months. Then the claws come out again. She can be ruthless and make promises to your face when she’s lying. Idk. There’s so much I could share. Lol. She’s going through a degenerative disease and my dad wants to spend time with her and be all buddy-buddy but she’s done some terrible things.
Sounds VERY familiar but if you don't mind me asking, because you used past tense, do you have a relationship with them now?
Janelle Lloyd Yes I do. I don’t have much of one with my mom bc she’s done some really creepy and scarring stuff. I had to stifle my emotions and one day (I was so parentified) I was walking on eggshells and addressing the thing she said that hurt me and I was calm and trying to communicate my negative feelings and she got mad, called herself a terrible mother and said she would kill us both and end it. She drove us both into oncoming traffic and veered out of the way just in time. I didn’t tell my dad. She groped me as a teenager and I finally told my dad as an adult and he has trouble processing it as he says and can’t even get angry at her for it. I want out but I have no money bc I’m disabled bc of my own mental health, (ocd, panic). I’m so frustrated and I don’t wanna sink further into govt assistance because I already feel like a failure.
My mother did this when I was a child. It left me heavily emotionally scarred. Not only was I her best friend, therapist, spouse, caretaker she would recount her sexual abuse to me starting at age 5. It made me terrified (and critical) of men very early on before the age of 10 in fact leading to a full blown phobia as an adult. She was paranoid and bipolar and maybe borderline and I call the relationship what is was, abusive. The first time I put up a boundary, which was to shut down those conversations about her childhood sexual abuse I was 21 and she didn't respect it. I had to quit talking to her for a year before she stopped. I tried having a relationship with her but I've learned it's impossible. I grew up emotionally and she didn't. In therapy I've learned what was abuse and what wasn't okay and how to have healthy boundaries. For me, I can't have contact with her, it triggers so muhh anxiety and ptsd I end up a wreck. I'm healthier without her in my life and I'm able to heal. See I know how to work on myself and do so, but she has no idea and I had to learn that she's not my responsibility to fix and coddle and take care of. I didn't even know how to take care of me until I began healing because I was always taking care of her. This is a horrible type of covert abuse. Emotional incest is abuse and you don't have to tolerate it. I never did anything as a child, never saw my friends, got straight A's and she threw me away once she learned I was gay and not Christian leaving me homeless. Its not an actual loving relationship, this type of parent/child dynamic, it's projection and ownership and abuse. I'm 32 and still healing. It leaves lasting scars. I've decided to never have kids because I don't want them to ever have my own shit put on them, I literally don't think I'll heal enough to ever have kids and be a competent parent so I'll just abstain. I wish my mother had.
Your story moved me deeply. Thank you for sharing it. It is so helpful to see the abuse for what it is now, and never look back.
I pray you've found healing and are in a good place in your life. Your last sentence was so heartbreaking. I don't know you, but I'm glad your mother didn't abstain.
You NAILED it about this not being a relationship of love about *ownership* !!
Also…
I am really sorry💔
I am so sorry this happened to you! It sounds just horrible. I understand you needed to leave but I also do hope (I apologize if I come across as being niave about your situation) that one day your mom can recognize and began to change her ways, and that maybe you can have a relationship (with healthy boundaries) with her once again. I realize that may not be posible or if you just may not find it worth it to try. I truly can understand that and maybe it's the least bad option, or maybe not. Still, I do genuinely hope (conditionally, not knowing her or the details of your relationship) otherwise, because I do in general in such circumstances.
Based on my own life experience I just don't accept convenient and sometimes useful but ultimately destructive and inaccurate simplifications about abusive relationships that often get repeated and are institutionalized within our culture such that it can often be risky to speak against them.
What I mean is that abusive situations are much mire complex and more varied then is typically acknowledged. As for myself, I had a mom with borderline personality who often treated me with emotional incest but in my case it was more complicated, as my mom while abusive was also often genuinely supportive, loving in a healthy manner, and eventually became much more respectfull of my own independence as well. But she also caused me a lot of damage and eventually I turned some of this back on her as well as lashing out at others in ways that were, without going in to details, harmful and counterproductive at best...
Ultimately my mother was a very badly damaged person who was often genuinely loving and had strong values, but was also mentally ill and could be be very manipulative and unbearable at times. She was very unstable in this regard, and in time I became very unstable myself and I in time became abusive myself as well which I deeply regret.
I have often debated if I should share this last part, or if I keep it to myself and have concluded that there isn't a always right answer but for the most part it's important to not overshare, especially online, but that still, sometimes some things need to be said that are risky and difficult.
My mom did try to and indeed did genuinely change for the better however, though late in life and not completely. We both ended ended up expressing some profound regrets and forgive each other before she died (I also profoundly hurt her as an adult more then once in ways that were truly wrong). I often deeply miss my mom, and feel sad that thing's didn't get better then they did, but I am also slowly healing and finding myself more now, slowly learning to become more stable without being stagnant.
Often, leaving an abusive relationship is necessary or at least the best decision, but not always, and sometimes (often!) we must choose between various less then good options that all frankly suck. I chose to stay for right and or wrong, and tried to make the best of it. This sure isn't the best choice for everyone but each case is different and one size definately does not fit all!
Ultimately, abuse can take diverse forms and those who engage in it range from sociopaths to merely disfunctional though also genuinely caring people in deep denial, both of which I usually want nothing to do with, to those who actually know and regret their own behavior but are struggling to change or at least minimize it within often dificult situations, are not always successful, and especially not in short order or in a way that always lasts: This latter situation I truly view as a case by case situation as to how much or how little (if at all) such relationships are worth being continued or not. I know that's a very controversial thing to say but it is what I genuinely believe. Again, there is often no great option but instead various difficult sucky ones each with theur own risks, and one type of action is not right for everyone!
There are also many degrees and forms of mutual abuse (no matter how much we are told this isn't posible or a thing, it really is!) as well as much more clear cut and one sided sinareos. Abuse isn't a simple thing and the many refrequantly repeated one size fits all approaches and attempts to explain the motivations for an abuser are damagingly simplistic even as these false beliefs are also ingrained and institutionalized within our cultures.
I hope you continue to find healing in your journey and that you can regain some of the trust and openness you say you have lost though without becoming niave. Best of luck that you may both recieve and give many blessings to come!!!
Lol, "Im just gonna walk away..."
Sure... followed by yelling, slamming things. and the silent treatment.
"Oh, sure! Just walk away! No one cares about MYYY feelings! Seems to me Im there when you need something but the moment I say something you dont like Im going to *in a mocking tone* Walk away! Just Walk away! Fine! I don't need you! I don't need anyone. I can take care if myself!" Should I keep going? I mean I have this pretty well memorized.
Yeah that is absolutely wonderful advice just walk away I wonder if this therapist is a therapist
Leave anyway and let them throw their adult tantrum. Don’t let them manipulate you.
If you can financially support yourself do it.
I’m sorry to hear you have been through this. It sounds very familiar to what I have been through.
When you have the capacity and freedom to walk away, and can truly get away, it is good advice. It can still be a process and there is the matter of understanding that just because you set boundaries doesn’t mean an abuser will respect them. And understanding where you have to pick your battles while still setting your boundaries as much as you can over time and hopefully getting away completely at some point. And completely cutting them off if necessary. I recommend “The Verbally Abusive Relationship” for some more insight into this. (it discusses relationships between partners and abusers - as emotional incest mimics that, it should still make total sense to anyone who’s been through this or any sort of abusive relationship)
I really like this video, but I was a little disappointed that it only briefly touched on the aspect of emotional responsibility/enmeshment. I grew up in an emotionally incestuous household, but I would never have thought that based on the traditional definition. My parents were very clear that they were the parent and their personal lives were none of my business, but they made me responsible for their happiness in other ways. Whenever I did anything wrong or my parent was upset about something, I had to apologize and beg and promise to do anything they wanted and "make up" for their bad mood in a million different ways. I find that this type of emotional incest is often underrepresented in resources about emotional abuse.
They seem to have been manipulative, but I think emotional incest is a subcategory
Yeah, I do think it can manifest in other ways. Like a parent inserting themselves into your relationship, never having time to interact, that emotional estrangement of a spouse and expecting the child to fill that role to the point that the relationship is poisoned between the left out spouse and the child because the left out spouse is almost seeing the kid as competition for the affections of their loved one.
Remembering Mommy dearest going to my first job (behind my back) to see if they would make paycheck out to HER!! My mgr was astounded. 😂 I know she wanted control. Wanted me to stay home. No help to get DL, and when I did move out - I was 'running' away in her eyes. Would refuse to visit my place. Also an abusive narcissist till her death. Now I am learning.
Ugh!! I am so sorry that happened to you!! That's terrible. I am so glad you are out of that house and I hope you are able to get into therapy to process through it all and heal. xoxo
I stuffed, fought back and became successful at all I did. I finally saw her jealousy when I began to make more $ than her. I detached in business - for Her sake. Didn't see any of the abuse fm her or SA until she died. I'm 63 and trying to find My truth. Can't believe I was raised on foundation of lies. Rebuilding. Tiring 😏
Same actually. My parents didn’t give us birth certificates or socials so we actually couldn’t leave.
@@TheEpicPlace OMGosh That's even worse! I'm so sorry. Hope you are no contact and healing. 💕
Mine did that too! I got my first job at 12 at the same place she worked at but different department, she got it all made out to her, didnt see a check for years! But was too young and isolated to know anybetter or do much about it. I also did the majority of her job for her before i started my own shift. What a fool i was 😌
My mom used to call me her best friend when I was a young teenager, and when she found out I had lost my virginity, it opened up this weird relationship with her where she just decided I was the best friend who had to listen to her complain about all of her relationships, I’m 21 and she still will text me all the time to complain or talk about the intimate stuff
My mom did this to my sister and I for years when her and my dad broke up.
Julie Drake for a long time it was like, “me and my mom are so close, she lets me get away with things that your parents would never let you get away with” and I felt cool, even now my mom and I are close but I don’t feel cool. When she talks about her relationships it’s like therapy for her and it creeps me out to my bones. I have memories of my mom telling me cringey stories and I will probably never be able to get that out of my head 😂
Kylynn Tanner I’m sorry this is been hard for you. It’s never too late to set that boundary. I hope these memories can lose their emotional charge for you. Peace ✌️
Julie Drake thank you for listening! Haha it was a nice release to come here and talk about it and have nice people like you care 😊✌🏼
gee thats akward my mom always complains about how we used to be best freinds and ahe has lost me even tho im still here im just growing up and want boundries
Whoa. Thank you for mentioning homeschooling. My mother homeschooled me and my brother for exactly this reason, so that she could keep us to herself and vet all of our influences. I'm 27 years old and still regularly am shocked to learn what I've done my whole life that's not normal outside that household.
My case of emotional incest was very subtle because my mom never actively guilted me or intimidated me into being her source of emotional support. She would mainly just take advantage of me anytime I happened to show vulnerability.
Because of this, rather than feeling guilt or fear, I mainly have emotional flashbacks in the form of visceral disgust. I can only imagine safely experiencing intimacy in my daydreams, but when I get close to somebody in real life, it triggers feelings of being violated and a strong urge to self-isolate. I once heard somebody compare it to how victims of sexual assault often feel.
Although guilt can be a huge part of emotional incest, I think it's equally important to address the feelings of repulsion towards other people because it really gets in the way of forming healthy relationships, let alone relationships at all.
Omgggggg i can relate to the feeling of repulsion. I didn’t have words until I read your comment and it resonated with me 100%.
I have an older cousin who gives me the ick and now have more clarity to why.
Thank you for sharing
I love how you always say welcome in such a jolly way 😊
Truth Magpie Right! It’s so calming haha
Awe thanks :) xoxo
Truth Magpie I listened to that part like 3 times lol
same its so welcoming haha
@@Katimorton no problem! Thankyou for the videos
This makes me think of Jane the Virgin and the relationship dynamic between Jane & Xo. It’s not always unhealthy, but the show does show the unhealthy side of a child “parenting” a parent.
Man, I knew that the way my dad always treated me was wrong in some way, but I never had any way to describe it and didn't really linger on it since it wasn't as bad as the emotional abuse from my mother, but...it was emotional incest. From a very young age he would vent to me about the way my mother treated him, tell me about how his alcoholic ex-wife left him as soon as she started to recover and how he still felt hurt and bitter about that, and even talk to me bluntly about his thoughts of suicide, expecting me to just listen and not even cry. The one time I made the mistake of crying he was very upset with me. He also always stressed how I was sometimes the only thing keeping him alive. I'd always thought this was normal since he didn't (and doesn't) really have anyone else to talk to, but...clearly not, in retrospect. Now that I'm an adult I don't mind shouldering his burdens as much, but he had no right to say those things to me back then.
That's awful. I'm so sorry.
I was married to a guy who had an emotional incest relationship with his mom. It had a contributing factor in our breakup. He felt like a hero and felt confused when *I* was happy. I couldn't see it because of my own struggles until he did something I just couldn't blame myself for. Now that I'm out over 25 years, I have a lot of pity for him. He could never break free of being his mom's emotional support person.
It is a horrible heavy weight to carry through ones life. I was a mommas boy growing up. Never knew this Covert Incest existed until a few years ago. I am a terrific person, hilarious, intelligent and a gentleman (young man with a kind of an old soul); however my relationships would never last long because I would grow bored and irritated by it. I hate it when a woman would tell me they love me, just disgusts me and pushes me away.
I noticed when my friends started saying "i don't get why does your mom acts as if you're your brother's mom" or "you just said that you couldn't sleep because your mom felt bad when she got home and you were asleep?!"
I started my healing process just this month, and it still feels very hard.
I feel a bit guilty that I don't love my parents... I wish they would just leave me alone but especially my mother always wanna talk to me and then she makes me feel bad
You have the right to abstain from interacting with people who make you feel bad, family or not.
I am so sorry that your parents make you feel bad.. especially your mom. It can be so hard when society tells us we have to be in touch and love our family and parents. Know that you don't have to have relationships with anyone who is harmful or makes you feel bad. xoxo
I am the same with my parents, I don’t have the same love and feelings everybody else does for their parents. I never felt close to my parents at all, and a lot of the time wish I didn’t have to deal with them at all.
@@Katimorton I have been reading almost all of the replies from everyone from this subject. It is kind of a relief to hear you say that society tells us we should love our families. Most all my life I never felt I even belonged to my family, I was even teased a lot from my father that I was found under a rock. I shouldn't have taken that personal but I always did. I never really loved my father, my mother who I kind of felt close to (even though we didn't talk much we did do a lot of stuff together) I loved too much, I put her on a pedestal. But that is another story. and I have 2 brothers that are now sick, I care about, but I can't say I feel I love them. I don't know were these feelings come from but after reading what you wrote maybe I should stop feeling guilty about it.
Sachich Nich I couldn’t have a worse connection with my family I fucking hate them
I want to leave
My 79 yr old mom has done this to me for years and continues to do so. She tells me about my dad’s sexual improprieties while they were married. It’s stuff like how her wedding night was so horrible and how demanding he was for sex and how she would allow him to have sex with her while she would say to him repeatedly while it happened: “I hate you, I hate you…” I actually heard some of this going on when I was a kid and it really messed me up. I’ve been sober for nearly 10 years and that addiction was completely my fault, however, I saw way too much as a kid. I feel like in a way I was sexually abused. I remember being as young as 6 or 7, and walking down the hallway to my room, seeing my dad masturbating. He would see me and ask me to close his door, while not missing a stroke. It’s disgusting. I’m still having sexual issues at 52 years old with my husband of 16 years because of this. I’ll never be totally ok.
I'm so glad you made this video. When I met my husband, his mom had this relationship with him. I had to put in a lot of boundaries for what's normal because he really didn't realize it was so odd. She treated him like a spouse (she is a widow) and wanted him to stay at home FOREVER and not ever cook or clean or work or have a gf or even do laundry. He couldn't even make eggs. She even tried to get me to move in when she realized he was pulling away and investing in another person emotionally. Instead of setting him up for success, she did everything for him and made him rely on her. She even made him act like a father to his brother. Very uncomfortable for me. We moved 2 hours away and we do visit but the boundaries are a lot clearer. He can and does cook and clean and has a great job and more independence. He's a lot happier to be himself and progress with his life and have more freedom, rather than be kind of at her beck and call and exist to be her companion. It's not his responsibility to be a spouse fill in or a father fill in. I hope other people like this find independence too. You may think that person can't live without you and feel guilty but they can and will. It gets better.
Reminds me of Norma and Norman in Bates Motel.
Yes, and as someone on who had a mom relationship like that, made that show extremely creepy for me. I have dissociative symptoms too so I worry I may hurt people. I'm not psychopathic tho.
Maybe just sociopathic lol.
If you want another example, watch Sex education. The sex therapist mom does emotional incest.
I was about to say this.
That show was like watching me and my mom. Scary shit.
I was thinking that
Never mind the fact that she looks just like Norma
Now I have a name for the term of what my parents did to me , as well as being a child victim of sexual / physical abuse .
Thank goodness I am in therapy now , thank you for sharing your time and energy with us all Kati .
💜💜💜
Azarah Eden I hope you’re healing x
I am so sorry this happened to you :( I am glad you're in therapy now and I hope having a word to describe what happened is helpful. xxoo
My dad and my mum would both treat me like a therapist and a go between when they had arguments all through my childhood, I'd say from the age of 8, I tried to set a boundary when I was 16 but it wasn't really respected.. I've just discovered parentification and I cried when I was reading about it because it suddenly made sense, and I can name it now.
This is a huge reason as to why I have to move out and have been struggling very hard to save up enough money to do so. My mother has always bragged that her and I are more like friends than mother-daughter and it is cause for so much pain in my life & a whole bunch of issues. The main one is that she uses me for free childcare/house work with my 2 highly disabled brothers to the point that I can barely work enough hours to save up and it is something that is done on purpose so I can't move. For those of you who will say "Well just put your foot down and tell her no" trust me I have tried but she threatens to kick me out if I try that, so either be homeless or slowly save up (I don't have family I can move in with or friends, I don't have time for a social life). It's painful to have a parent like this but I do have hope that with enough one-on-one therapy then eventually family therapy together we can have a semi-normal relationship when I'm living in my own place.
Elana Renee ck out this video Kati has on dealing w/ toxic parents. Hope it helps! ❤️ th-cam.com/video/HfU3vliw_08/w-d-xo.html
Study hard in school and try to get a practical major for college. It will be hard but you can do it! Your whole life is ahead of you, just keep your intentions quiet, pretend like you'll always be around.
I chose to live abroad in a place where everything is cheaper. you can save whatever you can at home and then go theres something called workaway where you work in exchange for a place to stay and you can take side jobs for extra money . You can also hide leaving so you wont have to deal with the nonsense that comes along with it . It makes a world of a difference . You will never get these years back. When i realized that it changed my whole perspective . You have options its up to you if you want to utilize them or not and take the risk . I relied on god and was very taken care of . I wish you the best of luck .
Did you manage to get or is your situation getting better?
This was my mom for a long time while we dealt with my father’s alcoholism. She was a great parent but I felt responsible for her feelings above my own as a child and now I feel like I can’t ask for what I need in other relationships and still struggle with it. Thanks for this video!!
I know how that feels. Whenever my mom has financial problems I always get really anxious even though it's not my problem as deeply as it is hers. To this day it still gives me anxiety about when I'm going to get a job and how much money I'm going to earn and get to spend.
Well this made me sad; I didn't realize it was a thing that was happening to me. I guess I have something new to talk about with my therapist!
Oh no.. I am so sorry!! But I hope it ends up being helpful in therapy. xoxo
@@Katimorton, thank you! My mom died in June of last year, so I've been having a weird time dealing with her death and not feeling as sad as I feel I should. I think this might be why I feel more relief than anything else...
@@chicgirl85 I just wrote a comment this morning about this topic. I too felt a lot of relief when my father died, that was about 10 years ago. To this day, I still don't understand why. Neither one of my parents ever talked about that stuff to me, and even never kissed or hugged each other in front of me. I am 57 years old and I am still confused why I have always been afraid of my father and I really never liked him.
i was in my apartment sleeping after a 16 hour shift at work i didnt answer my phone one day and my mom called the fire department to break in my apartment and see if i was alive i really wish my mom would stop being so clingy and give me some damn space.
This is definitely my Dad to a T! I often forget who’s the parent!? The lines are so blurred. I’ve told him countless times over and over to seek professional help, but he just keeps saying “I don’t need counselling, I’ve got my friends and family”, “I’m past that now, too old to get help” (he’s only 53!) or “what’s that gonna do”. I’ve honestly given up trying. So sick of it. I am not his therapist, I’m his daughter! Ugh 😫
This is pretty much what my parents did (mostly my mom). I was homeschooled and they couldn’t afford to sign me up for any activities and they didn’t let me go outside and play very often. So not only was I my mom’s only friend but she was my only friend too. I heard all about her relationship with my dad, and when he started being unfaithful I was her shoulder to cry on. I had to be strong while she talked about how they were gonna get divorced. They ended up working it out and they’re still together but then at a time in my life when I needed her most, when I needed a friend and a shoulder to cry on, she no longer had time for me because she was rebuilding her marriage. But if I ever left or spent time with friends she would (and still does) contact me constantly. “Are you ok?” “Where are you?” “What are you doing?” “When will you be home?” “Your cat is sad and misses you! When are you coming home?”
She has other friends now but she refuses to open up to them or rely on them. She even blames me for what she has to deal with alone when I’m gone! It’s not been easy.
She really needs a therapist.
Oh my gosh, that's awful. I'm sorry.
My mom didn't do this, but she would walk around naked getting ready which bothered me and I told her it bugged me but she was like too bad don't look then and she had a point. I can look away or stay away when she's getting ready.
Now that I have my own kids I tried to always hide my body from them but they won't let me, lol, if I'm on the toilet they bug me and when I am done showering they come in and give me towels. It's cute and i guess cuz they're still very little. But I'm prepared to try and hide when the day comes they are uncomfortable, because I don't want them to look back and feel awkwardly about me.
Tzara omg both my parents used to do this, I hated how icky I felt after.
At least she wasnt trying to get you to touch her and do more.
i used to feel ashamed that this happened with my mum but i'm not the one who should feel ashamed
Maybe it's not so much about hiding- it's about having boundaries that create a safe feeling and environment for yourself and your kids.
my dad sat naked on furniture. or walked around in underwear.
yes it really added to the mess.
I really want this to be called something else. I cant show my family this when the words emotional incest keep coming up. That makes me very uncomfortable
It's called Spousification
My dad got real angry when I tried to leave him while he was telling me his problems. No boundaries at all. I couldn't protect myself. I'm 50 and now I'm walking away. I can't believe I spent my life worrying about him. He doesn't even understand it's wrong to do this to someone. I hate him for ruining my life. I worry about everything
Katie can you do a video about financial abuse?
Yes please. It's a form of abuse not talked about enough!
YES
YESSS my coworker goes through this and it’s awful!!
My mother financially abuses me.
I'm sending this to my niece & would LOVE to have a vid about financial abuse to her. Her mom has controlled her life, she is an insecure, socially isolated virgin at 26. This is so tough for her & I fear for her emotional health & the very real possibility of her being manipulated by any future partner.
Mmm this is an interesting topic. Luckily my mom isn't like this at all. Thanks for the information it can help a lot of people.
So glad at least a few people in the comments havent experienced this. Hopefully you didn't have to deal with any other kind of abuse either.
I am so glad you found it interesting, and I am so glad this isn't happening to you. xoxo
You’re lucky if your parents don’t do this to you
I feel like for me it’s not really her being emotionally attached to me, but she tells me everything. Her work life, stuff about her boyfriend, just everything about her. She then wants me to comfort her and thinks that I can understand everything. I’m like her therapist except I don’t give advice I just sit and nod 😶 (I’m 15 👺)
I relate a lot with this. She makes me feel insanely guilty and obligated to protect her from harm. It got extremely inappropriate when she interacted with my spouse. It was almost like she was competing for attention.
My mother told me about her childhood molestation before I even knew what sex was. She also spoke openly about her lost virginity at age 12, about the abortion at 13, along with a detailed account of spontaneously delivering a stillborn baby. That was 2 years before I was born. She often reminded us, my younger brother and I, that she did not want to have kids (but biology took care that and here we are). She refused get counseling, preferring to act as though all of her mental health flaws were dismissable, because of trauma she endured while keeping the sexual abuse secret. I tried to help her parent my brother, since she often complained of his behavior. She told me all of her complaints about her husband, my dad, and their financial woes in-depth in accounting terminology. I hated living with her and will do everything in my power to never have to live under the same roof with her again.
Kati, no matter how many times I hear it, I just love your "welcome"!😍🤗
Awe I am so glad :) xoxo
@@Katimorton 🤗🤗
I see this a lot whenever the child gets married.... the parent continues this type of abuse and becomes jealous of their child’s partner. This is seen in a lot of in laws
It’s really great how you deal with pretty heavy topics in an upbeat and objective way. You lay it all out there and don’t shy away from the nitty gritty, but totally without negativity or judgement. It makes your videos easy to watch and non-triggering. Keep it up!
My mom made me sleep in her bed, massage her feet, and discussing a multitude of things that were inappropriate including committing crimes. When I tried to set boundaries, I was met with rage. I eventually went no contact. I find it easier to set boundaries with people who haven't become accustomed to disregarding them and try to excute it as a power over me.
hi Kati, my parents emoitionally and physically abused me for my whole childhood. and now as a 15 year old with bpd, ptsd, depression, anxiety, ocd, psychotic episodes, an autoimmune diease and many health issues i am often moody and "have an attitude". my mother has recently started calling ME abusive because i snap at her and are somtimes a little agressive, which i recognise but i am so hostile towards my whole family because i hate them.
marley abbott you are not what's wrong. You're not bad. If you can seek help please do. Move out as soon as possible. Chin up. You're not alone.
@@HarrietFitzgerald580 i have seen many therapists but i cannot move out. if i tried to run away, i couldn't. they lock the doors and hide the keys. i've wanted to move out for my whole life, but i can't
marley abbott once you are of age they cannot stop you. I'm not saying it'll be easy. Please don't give up hope. Try not to engage with your mother. Believe me I too was the "abusive" daughter. Our last conversation actually was all about how I'm a horrible person who continues to cause her much pain. I am nearly 30 and have just recently gone no contact. I found the courage to move out at 24; following a suicide attempt, caused by mother kicking me out and causing me much distress. I suffer from IBS and my relationship with my mom was contributing to my sickness. Sending you big, big hugs!! 💕
I really hope you're doing well love ❤️
My mom isn't an extreme form of this. But as a teenager, and even somewhat to this day, there were enough symptoms present that I can see how it kinda screwed me up as far as connecting to others and my expectation in a relationship. We now act more like siblings than a parent and child because of how much she needed me emotionally as a teenager.
I had no idea this had a name! I’m 41, but my mom’s done this to me since I was 5!! Except I was forced to listen to everything and if I tried to tell her I wasn’t comfortable, she’d get violent & I wasn’t allowed to have friends over at all or go anywhere with friends. She controlled every aspect of my life, and I had to hear the most disgusting things. Thank u for letting me know this had a name, I always thought everything was my fault.
When I was around 14 and had guy friends over, my mom used to get them over to wherever she was , drinking, flirting with them, and sharing inappropriate things about herself and me to them (I grew up female). This really screwed me up...
same!
I’ve always said my mom treats me more like a friend than a daughter... never knew there was an actual term for it.
My parents were both like this my whole life. They would overshare and make us feel uncomfortable and guilty and I grew up never wanting to do the same thing to any other kid. But one day when i was babysitting my little cousin i was fighting with my partner thru text and decided to take some alone time to cry. My little cousin found me and asked why i was upset and i messed up and told him I was just "upset" at my partner. I saw the worry in his little face and how he rushed to make me a ton of drawings to make me feel better and i felt terrible. A child should never worry about an adults problems and so I made up a lie saying that everything was ok. Now I watch my emotions EVEN more around kids. I just dont want to traumatize them like how my parents traumatized me.
this is everything i talk to my therapist about. I feel so stuck and can’t wait to move out for college but i’m so scared because i’m scared my mom will be so lonely. it’s so hard for me to be happy when i’m out with my friends because of the guilt i’m constantly feeling. when my mom isn’t home, i get so excited and have to go hangout with my friends because then she won’t know and won’t be upset. i needed this video. thank tou
My father needed me more than he needed my mother, and my mother was emotionally needy. They were both invested in my having a "happy childhood", which to them meant it was unacceptable for me to ever appear to experience frustration, anger, sorrow, or boredom. I didn't know what it was like to have parents for whom "parent" was a verb, not a title. I had an anxious, miserable, educationally worthless childhood. It was as if it never even crossed their minds (and later, after they divorced, my father remarried, and I joined that stepfamily at 9, my stepmother's) for what kind of future they were preparing me. The term "emotional incest" occurred to me the last time i visited my father when i was in my early 20's, I'd never heard it and wasn't even sure it was recognized (this was in the mid-80"s; was it?). Thank you for this video, which validates feelings I've had for over 30 years.
I'm 30 and I just realized this was what's going on..... And why me and my dad have a better relationship than me and my mom..... Definitely thinking this through to start making some plans... Wow. Thanks Kati. 💛
Thank you for posting this 💛 I'm also 30 and still dealing with this kind of situation from both of my parents..I was hesitant to comment on this video because of my age.... Seeing your comment really made me feel better and more confident about making the changes that Kati suggests 😊
I'm 30 this year and just learning about this term. And horrified that I now recognize the manipulation. How I wasn't wrong in asking my mom to stop sharing her emotions with me as a child. The manipulation continued up until now, of which I am embarrassed to admit due to sheer age. The ongoing trauma significantly affected me long term but I have finally made steps to distance myself, hopefully for the final time.
I'm another person in their 30s dealing with this, and it's like I'm trapped
Didn’t know this had a name.. I knew that how my parents had a relationship with me was not right.. By the time I was 14 I knew my older brother was a ‘mistake baby’ I was just sibling for baby, and my twin baby brothers (two at the time) was their way of trying to keep there marriage going... Which was pretty rubbish, especially as there marriage was awful. It really messed me up when I was suicidal as I believed I should have never been born in the first place... My mum loves to one upmanship on people’s grief so when I told her a few years ago that I was s.abused she of course tried to ‘one up’ that... Im 30 now with a daughter myself, feel my parents are naive, ignorant, self absorbed and stupid..
Can you do helicopter parents in adulthood?
Nice kitty cat picture!
Omg yes, I second this.
@@rose4490 ty she helps me a lot when I battle my demons of depression and anixety
Stating a boundary like that..... oh man, the guilt tripping is going to come on full force! (Just be forewarned)
"Oh, you don't care about me! Don't you love me?" et cetera. And then you might even get the silent treatment, which SUX (although, silver lining, then they're not sharing too much anymore).
You'll have to build a bit of a wall between your heart and the guilt tactics. Just keep telling yourself, "I'm not responsible for my parent's emotional well being"
They may even try to tell you that you ARE responsible, but it's not true. If they do say that, they're just trying to project it onto you, because they don't want to take responsibility for themselves. You also have to keep reminding yourself that how they feel is not your fault.
thequestess ck out this video Kati has on dealing w/ toxic parents. Hope it helps! ❤️ th-cam.com/video/HfU3vliw_08/w-d-xo.html
I know how do you even set up boundries, my mom gets defensive over anything
@@melissag8270 Check out the video the previous commenter linked.
It's tough! Especially when you grew up with parents who tried to lay all their baggage on you, so it feels normal to feel guilty and be the fixer or the confidant. But learning how to set boundaries and sticking to them, while hard at first, feels better in the long run, and is better FOR us.
@@thequestess thank you ❤ I'll have to check out that video
Can you still be a victim of emotional incest even if you aren’t a child anymore?
megan rebeschi DEFINITELY!
Yes! My older brother is in his 40's and still lives at home (he's a freeloader). Anyway, our dad complains to my brother about stuff ALL of the time! Our dad will even bring up stuff that happened 10, 20, 30 years ago. He will even complain about me- and I moved out of the house years ago! I don't even come for visits anymore because all our dad does is blame, accuse, and guilt us... oh, and tell me that I'm going to Hell because I don't go to church.
Yes
Thank you so much for this video. It came out in right time I needed it.. I'm so proud I am a part of this community.. You're the best!❤
Debora Styles #KinionStrong
This made me cry. My mom did this to me, basically treated me like her partner and not her daughter. I even tried to be like her therapist to help her. I used to be very passionate about being a therapist and it was a dream of mine, but seeing that no matter what I tried I wasn't able to help her made me feel like I wouldn't be able to help anyone.
She even tried to get me to have a fulltime job when I was in highschool so I could give her all my money. Then just the over all like I wasn't allowed to have any friends and when I did get into a relationship she got even worse with the abuse. She kicked me out then wrote me as a runaway to try and get my boyfriend and I in trouble.
Once again, timing is perfect haha ❤ I'm writing a letter to my mom (not to send, just to get all of the feelings out) and I listed literally all of these things and here you are, saying these words out loud and putting a name to them. It has been almost a year since I last talked to my mom and it's been a sad process, but today I'm finally addressing a letter to her. I had hoped these were all things that I would have been able to say to her, but I know now that I won't ever have that closure with her. When I set boundaries with her, she deliberately crosses them. I won't have that, I much prefer the people that surround me now, with love and support ❤
I think a good example of this is the relationship between Susan and her daughter on Desperate Housewives (old school DH, none of that “real” DH of...” garbage!)
First thing I thought of when I heard it.
YES!!!
Oh my god, exactly. This is a perfect example. All of Wisteria sees them as having a normal close relationship, but behind closed doors... It's toxic. And Julie is well aware of it.
Now I want to re-watch the series. UGH. 😭
@ᎽօʊᏒ ᏢᎬᏁᎥᏕ For one, her daughter basically had to parent herself & Susan through the whole series, but especially after Karl had left her. Susan would constantly overshare with Julie about her relationships (even going into sex details) & expect her to reassure her & tell her what to do.
I'm 20 years old and I was finally able to break away from my mother a month ago because she's been doing this to me my whole life... I just didn't know what it was called.
Hi Kati, thanks for this video it made me cry honestly. I’ve been going to a therapist for the last three months and I’ve always had this feeling of guilt when I leave to go to college in another city from mine, my mom lost two children and she always tells me that I’m everything she has. My therapist has been telling me similar things that you say in the video, it’s really hard to be honest. I’ve always been there for my mom but I want to live my life without the weight in my shoulder that she’s sad missing me or anything. I’ll talk about this with my therapist but it really helped me to open my eyes. Thank you so much, I really appreciate your work and dedication. Thank you!
Wow! This was eye-opening for me. I had no idea there was a name for this. This is exactly how my relationship with my mom was growing up. I only recently got the courage to set some hard boundaries with her, and gave myself permission to finally do things that make me happy, without feeling guilty about not spending all my time/energy on her (I'm 30 years old, by the way.) Thank you so much for this video! And for the comments -- it's comforting to know I'm not alone in this, as I've felt most of my life. Thank you, thank you. Wishing us all healing. ♡♡♡
My therapist helped me realize that my ex husband was abusive. Can you do a video on spousal abuse? I’m just now realizing that I was a victim of it. I was never able to call all of it abuse, because when I was married to him, I had pretty bad depression and anxiety. Everything he did to me was blamed on “the way I was acting” ie, the depression. He also used to corner me physically in the bathroom and blamed it on me and my depression, so I couldn’t call that abuse either we have a child together so I’m stuck with him. He’s married again, and his wife just absolutely won’t hear my side of the story at all. She’s also a VIP with the league of women voters. She is appalled that I’m now saying he was abusive (because my therapist acknowledged that it was all abuse) and is also saying that I brought the way I was treated on myself and that I caused how he acted. Isn’t that great? I am probably the only woman on earth that a feminist organization will blame for being abused by a man!
It's tough to be in that position. My ex husband abused me too, but I couldn't say anything to the new girlfriend (multiple now), because I would just be the "grudge holding, evil ex." So I just had to bear knowing what was either happening to the new GF, or would be happening, and not say anything. It's hard to watch that from the outside, and to not be able to do anything about it.
With his first GF though, we did get to commiserate after they broke up. It was pretty therapeutic for both of us. And yes, in that process, I did hear that he had her convinced that I was a terrible person who couldn't be trusted. So, it was a good thing I never even tried to say anything to her in the beginning anyway.
BR I HAHAHAHAHA try telling her that
BR I I wasn’t laughing because I am happy. I was laughing at how ridiculous it is to suggest that he’s abusing her. He never would, because she doesn’t suffer the same mental health struggles I do.
thequestess Exactly. He has convinced her the exact same way about me. She’s this super wonderful suburban involved mom who gives the impression of being almost perfect. She has a great job, she’s involved in these political and feminist things, she’s in PTA, etc. sanctimommy. So her being convinced that I’m so horrible and crazy and lying about abuse is that much harder, because not many people see her as someone who would be wrong about someone.
You should read the book "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" it's an amazing book that helps you realize just how we can be manipulated by a partner or spouse. It helped me a lot.
I love how you put the content of the video in text in the description. That is the sweetest thing.
I struggled with this as a child with my mother. she didn't really talk about sex but every fight with my dad was a family affair. I was homeschooled and never had my privacy. the whole family had to know when I got my period and when I started wearing a bra, none of which I was comfortable sharing especially with my father. I was her "special helper" slept with her, showered with her. I almost had a kind of Stockholm syndrome where I couldn't even think bad things about her without feeling guilty. I am trying to instill boundaries now and come to terms with the truth but its left me feeling so existentially panicked as I've been living in a pretend world for the majority of my life. I've taken a good portion of my 20's and devoted it to getting better. thank you for your insight.
Yes my mom has shared me all sexual details and hugs too much and has told me since a teen she was married to me in an innocent way... no one ever understood me and blamed me for not loving her back when she did these things. I felt guilty to place boundaries sometimes and is very controlling and all my family think I’m a bad child.
Oh Katie, thank you so much for this. I've struggled with this for so long in my life. I found the words for it way too late. I'm NC now, thankfully, but it was so difficult to escape. It took me 35 years. I want others to see it for what it is and get free!
I am so grateful you named this as you did. It is so validating. I had both parents and there were a lot of mind games as well. Thank you!!!!!
Kati- when you say “child” are you referring to people under the age of 18? Do you think that young adults/people in their 20s can be victims of emotional incest? Or is it normal to take on a more “friend-like” role at this age? Thanks!
Not a therapist but this type of discussion was only between me and my sister (15 years older than I am) after I was in my 30s. Think about how it makes you feel, if you feel uncomfortable, tell her. Just because your "legal" doesn't make you your mom's bestie.
I feel like it could happen at any age but when you get older it's expected to me more open about it. So yes and no. Honestly if it makes you uncomfortable make the boundary if it doesn't then there is not problem.
Also not a therapist, but my thought is part of why it’s so damaging is the imbalance of power. The older you get, and the less you rely on your parents, the less damaging I believe the behavior would be (to a degree) because you have more options. Especially if the onset is after you’re an adult. If it’s followed you though to adulthood, that’s a different situation. But it seems in healthy relationships, parents can transition from a traditional fully parental role (which includes setting rules and punishments) to a mentoring one (geared mainly toward guidance) and even to a friendly one (closer to equals than the others, more of a two way street).
It’s a very interesting question. My brother is getting his Master’s in Clinical Psychology and I’m going to see what he thinks.
My partner is 40 and we have two kid together and still a victim.... No age limit to this....its really sickening
Thank you so much for making this video. My mom has been treating me like this since I was born basically and I always thought it was normal. But she has always put so much of a burden on me and makes me feel so guilty whenever I try to leave. I think I'm going to leave for real this time. Honestly, thank you so much.
Abuse of any kind leaves it's mark on you When the person who brought you here abuses you it is just painful and the sad part is they never seem to notice how thier rejection and pain hurts you. ..!
"You can't get upset, you're my rock" when I was sixteen was probably the one I hated most from my mom. At 38 when talking about my new therapist she said "YOU'RE my therapist." It's exhausting but working on boundaries.
Growing up my dad would always complain about my mom to me whenever I was stuck in the car while he was driving me somewhere. IT was awful.
Shit. My parents did that with me. They made me feel guilty to have friends or to go away to see friends. I had to be secretive about friendships. I one time for example as a teen even came home from a picnic I was given permission to go to, and my parents made me feel guilty for going right as I got home. I had to always be there for mom or else I was a bad child, like even if I walk a few feet away from my mom, I was viewed as rude. I even do certain things around peers to this day, like I cant walk so many feet ahead of my spouse. My parents even did it in my college years too if I had to go home, no where else to go. I ran away once because I took summer courses and my family made me feel guilty for that too, because i was depended on.
We lived on a farm. I was expected to help with everything. To the point if my sister had a melt down or my brother acted like a pompous disobediant jerk, it was all put on me.
Yeah, that happened to me, but not in that aspect. Whenever my mom is drunk she'll get all mad about work and sometimes rave about me not caring about her when I do and always have cared about her. It's really weird and she never remembers it the next day. I just hope when she gets older she won't become senile and say, "You and your brother never cared about it, not once!" Or else I'm gonna just hate to part with her like that even though I know it's not the truth.
Your channel has helped me so much. I realized I went through CEN because of your channel and now I realize I also went through emotional incest. I feel like I’m not crazy anymore, I feel like I have names to things and it wasn’t all in my head. Thank you so much.
I've never heard of this! That's why I love your channel...always something new to learn!
Thank you so much for this Kati. This is the stuff that hurts the most for me, and hearing you talk about it helps, hearing that I am doing the right thing in making my own life, and that a child is not responsible for their parent. Validation is, as you say, so important. Thank you.
This is my mother to an absolute textbook T. I was hardly ever allowed out of the house to spend time with friends, homeschooled for a portion of adolescence, and my mother was a single, overprotective, stay-at-home Mom until I was 12 when she realized that she had to start working. She is a perpetual victim that has decided that she is unloved by the world, which always made me feel terrible for not being able to fix as a child. She imposed an unhealthy version of love onto me not only in the form of coddling, but worshiping me in a way that looks like kindness but is absolutely awful for a child's sense of reality. As Laura McNally says, 'It's a long road to developing your own foundational sense of self when you have a parent (in our case the mother) has decided that they are a perpetual victim." This still hasn't changed on her end, but I've since decided to leave guilt behind across the country. I try to keep a healthily-distant relationship with. her, as my goal is to be the opposite of her, and she's cut off every other member of her family, refusing to go to therapy or counselling herself, but therapists like yourself (and faith) have given me such ground work for healing and moving forward. I wish I had gotten out and left unapologetically the moment I realized that I could have. It makes us feel mean and nasty, but sometimes it has to be done.
Thank you so much for making this video! My mother has been mentally ill since she was a teen, and she is really dependent on us children, especially me. I really feel like I can't live too far away from her, because she might get even more ill because of me, and that's just devastating to think about. She knows it's a problem, and we are trying to work on it with our family therapist, but it really is a slow process.
But what has worked best for me, is telling her exactly what it does to me, when she says or does certain things, because then she will take responsibility and try to do better and I won't keep having a grudge against her, for making me feel that way.
EXTREMELY interesting topic. This is one of the most fascinating areas you've covered. Thank you Kati! Love you Kinions!
My mom was very much like this. My parents were on and off again over and over and when they were separated I became the emotional caretaker. I wish I knew how to heal from this because I cannot afford therapy right now
have been living under this for a big part of my life, having to be "needed" by my parents to be their emotional support/validate them all the time/befriending me in a lot of ways without allowing me to build up my own boundaries. ARGH. just wanna say thank you for saying this out for me and the tips :)
this reminds me of my parents using me as a connector to complain and unload their emotional baggage.
my dad likes to complain about my mom and her flaws and say backhanded things about her, and conversely my mom will get drunk and then tell me about how she wishes they were still together and that she has depression and misses him.
And then there’s the group chats with my mom and dad arguing and me that get so heated.
I feel like I don’t trust and respect my mom and dad and I can’t confide in anyone, especially not my friends.
This is my mom. She has 7 kids and expects us to take care of her all the time and going to us for comfort when it should have been the other way around.
I didn't know this wasn't normal
I had never heard the term "emotional incest" until this video. I knew my mother always had an unclear sense of boundaries with me, but I never knew it was something that had its own name. I think much of her emotionally incestuous tendencies were unintentional, I think she just desperately wanted to feel closer to me as a result of her own guilt for being absent and struggling with addiction for the first half of my life. Her idea of what constituted healthy closeness was skewed though, clearly, and it made me uncomfortable and feel almost claustrophobic. It really damaged my ability to trust her and to tell her things I probably should have, like that at 13 I was in an emotionally manipulative relationship with an older guy that I didn't know how to get out of on my own, but I didn't want to encourage her by giving her a reason to hover over me even more, so I struggled with it by myself because that seemed like the lesser of two evils. I really believe that her mindset of "If I have a child, I will raise that child to love me so much, because I will never do all the terrible things MY mother did to me, and this child will give me a reason to live and a sense of purpose" was the driving force behind her EI behaviors. Her love was more about her self-oriented need to feel important and needed by me, rather than to allow me to decide my purpose. I always felt like she only brought me into this world as a tool to help her love herself, and that never felt fair. It actually made me feel pretty lost during my adolescence, and since her death a couple years ago and going off to college, it's really been a battle for me to form my own sense of identity without her influence. Thanks for this video, Kati.
This sounds like my parents. They always complain about their problems and i feel uncomfortable when they do vent to me. When I have children I just want to guide them and whatever your supposed to do but definitely won't tell them my problems.
Thank you for this. My mom did this to me, and I never had a word for it. She passed a couple years ago, and I had pretty much stopped talking to her much the last year of her life because of it.
This is a great topic to discusses. Thank you for creating this amazing video and explaining the difference and giving me some tools to use
I never knew there was a word to explain the relationship I experience with my mom and this video was very eye opening and also feels a bit relieved to know there is an explanation for my situation thank you Kati