How Many Chances Should You Give Someone Who Has An Addiction?
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 7 ก.ย. 2022
- When is enough enough? You've given them chance after chance, but it seems like they'll never get past their addiction. How long should you try and support an addict/alcoholic before it's time to walk away?
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Your videos are So Helpful!!! Thank you!!!
Just remember, addiction is not the primary problem, addiction is the secondary problem that is caused by the primary problem of Pain & Hurt!
Yes but because of what drugs do to the brain, the addiction needs to be taken care of before you can work on the pain and hurt. Or at most at the same time
However, it is not uncommon for pa in and hurt to regulate itself in sobriety and recovery.
One of greatest fears is to come home and find him dead, or worrying about him getting beat up and robbed like he has before and his dad was his Nurse in Emerg both times.
My final fear is that he is going to freeze to death on the street.
I pray he doesn’t meet with tragedy or give up before we figure out how to help him, he has such wonderful attributes.
Me and my ex BF have made up and broke up probably 300 times In the last 15 yrs. Each time I sent him back to his mother's *to think about things* and then let him come back after he passed a drug test. Dumb me, it never lasted long. His problem Cocaine, Heroin and Fentanyl. He's been gone 10 months this time. He tried to come back but I couldn't take it anymore and I wouldn't let him back in my house. Even tho it's been almost a year it's still a struggle missing him 😪
It's really difficult to hold those hard boundaries, but you have to get it enough time to see whether the changes are going to stick.
Sending love! Bless you no 9ne knows how hard it is when your on that receiving end of all the crap that comes with their addiction its so unfair to have to deal with it isn't it.
Me and my ex have broken up and mended a lot too, he’s a functional alcoholic and we met in college when I used to drink a lot but I’ve changed. It’s hard and feels impossible to let go when you’ve gone through so much with someone ❤ you’re not alone!
My ex broke up with me after I caught her messed up at her dads… I don’t understand. She obviously mad at herself and not me… she ended up at county jail. Gets out in 2 weeks. Haven’t spoke since January. I miss her so much and I’m here for her. I’m living my life… if she reaches out I’m here for her…. We lived together, 2 years.
❤ sending love! I completely get this!!! Living this …. I miss the man that he once was! Addiction is so hard
This is such a hard decision at all levels
It’s scary when it’s your kid. My daughter started at 12/13 years old. Getting it from others at school. She’s 25 now. She started with other issues then drugs. She’s been in probably 10 different rehabs & detox. Mental hospital for being so messed up she passed out at a mall & they sent her to a hospital. Weve sent her to a rehab in another State to get her away from bad friends and bad boyfriend that she still has and we can’t get them separated. Getting her home from there was a nightmare. I’ve chased her physically trying to stop her from running off. Weve used every resource out there. She did really well for a little over a year. Got into fitness and helping the elderly. Then relapsed again. It’s this ten times over and over. She won’t get away from her addict bf. He got kicked out of his house with no where to live and she left with him. Sleeping in cars, hotels, Airbnb etc. for almost 2 months. Kept saying she was coming home everyday and wouldn’t show. Her car broke down. Her bf went into detox. She comes home and we say find a detox cause theyre doing Percaset and Fetanyl now. Her Dad takes her to the detox last week she set up to go to. We then find out after she went to the one her bf is at! They shouldn’t be together. He’s already OD and died then ODd 16 hrs after! They had to bring him back to life before and he still won’t learn. I’m frightened someone will end up dead. So both in detox apparently together which is sneaky of her and she doesn’t get it after we said no more of him. So she’s there in detox for 7 days. Then what? I’ve been her biggest cheerleader tried the tough love too and I’m at the point that I have no answers. I told her Im stepping back and will love her from here but that I can no longer support her choices and will not enable her. Her Dad has had it but still helping her. I just miss my daughter and feel robbed that I can’t enjoy my kid like other Moms. I’m scare she will never change or she’ll die.
I'm sorry Michelle, I'm really right there with u!
An incredibly tragic story.
Doesn't that show you then that they do need to hit bottom and have consequences? Rather than them pulling through with patience and kindness they do it when people are going to stop being there for them.
I'm watching this today even though it was 4 months ago. I feel like I know Micki. I feel like I understand. I hate myself when I fall apart and lose it. It's so hard❤️
When the family falls back into old behavior, I call it a relapse (just like with the addict). The best thing to do is acknowledge it, and then get right back on track. Don't let it get you down too much. You're only human. We all just do the best we can.
You’re not alone Micki! I related to your story so much. Thank you for sharing so openly. Stay strong x
My whole family I can't, thank you, this is so hard. I am going to show my grief to them.
I find bringing on a live respondent
Is sooo helpful, thank you both I listened every second.
Micki I joined last year for one addict in my life but now I realize my husband is a high functioning AH I really appreciate you opening your experience 💕
I think it’s cause they realize how much live and affection you gave to get them that far and when you say you’re giving up, they see even all the love you gave they still there and it’s probably soul crushing
I never gave up on my cousin, even when he stepped over the line multiple times. Even when everybody gave up.
He lived with me and my wife(In an outdoor room of course he could not stop stealing)
8 years later: He sobered up, became extremely succesful, paid for my house and gave me and my wife a decent sum money.
I love that fool so much. Never give up on those who gave up on themselves and Life. You never know who that person wil be in 10 years.
Love this!
That's a beautiful success story but they don't all end up that way and no one should feel guilty for being done with the constant struggle of being a carer for another adult. In 10 years the person might still be an addict and their loved one a shadow of themselves.
Very, very, very rare. Like "never" type rare. Sorry.@@sunbeam9222
Listed to micki talk really had my heart ♥️ I feel so similar. Sending my love and support to everyone watching today!
Me too! 💓
Micki, I'm so sorry that you are going through this. It is so frustrating when all we feel like we can do is just watch. I think being in prayer is most important and the stuff Amber is giving you sounds so good.
Wow! Micki!
Your story is so similar to mine. I also lost my brother to liver failure brought on by excessive alcohol use when he was 44.
My husband also has similar drinking habits and behaviors that are completely opposite when he’s been drinking.
My heart goes out to you…I feel your pain and am walking in the same shoes as you and it sucks to see our loved one struggling with their addiction to drinking.
Also, like you, Amber has given me the strength to hang in there and try to maintain the faith and hope that one day…before it’s too late…that he’ll change his habits and become the awesome man that I know he can be when he is sober.
I have started the Invisible Intervention and am looking forward to trying some of the strategies. Thank you for sharing and giving me a little extra strength that progress can happen…one day at a time. Sending you hugs and support!❤
My name is Gary, from Australia. I am really connecting with this..I am on day 3 LoL. I am ashamed and am sure I will do this.
Hello my Australian friend! So glad you're here. 💪🏻💪🏻💪🏻
Stay strong Gary, you can do this!
Idk if this is right, but I often video tape my husband's actions and show them to him when he's sober. I just ask him what how he thinks I should react to that.
I have seen many changes in our marriage but he just holds on the alcohol. I dont understand but I don't try to anymore. I just show him exactly my emotions and he has to deal with them.
I think that responsibility over his family is slowly making him come to terms.
Amber, this is so helpful. I need to have a vision for what my role looks like during this season.
You are awesome Amber! Thanks for what you do, it ain't easy. God Bless you.
Thank you! You too!
I’ve been in a situation like this for seven years and I’m ready to separate myself finally. Of course, I’m second-guessing myself. I agree with Amber that people usually turn it around. The problem is, when a spouse or partner is involved and they don’t feel it’s genuinely getting better, there isn’t unlimited patience.
Micki thank you for your bravery to share
Amber, you have tremendous insight. Thanks.
Wow, thanks Crilf!
God bless you! You’re out here doing god’s work!
This story really hit home for me 😢 I have a similar story… waiting for my belly to be full 😢
I am glad I watched this tonight. Thankyou.
So glad it was helpful, Bethan!
It's been 5 years, he is an alpha, 50 year old successful business man... he says he likes to drink, then he will say he needs to "calm out down". I don't trust him anymore... he is verbally abusive, anxious, and angry when SOBER. Nice guy when he drinks. I'm struggling with leaving/staying, I love him.
I'm so sorry you're wrestling with this. Whether it's our spouse or child or anyone else we love, it's SUCH a fine line, as well as a heartwrenching 😔🙏
Reading this makes me think, he's probably developed a physical dependency. Please take care of yourself, Susan.
I am a addict my self and want to stay sober and at times I fall . I don't want to say it because of my boyfriend but he is a trigger for me. I have told him to stop but be always says that I think that I am better then him just because I am not drinking but that who am I to say if I been a alcohol and drug abuser. It's so hard because I want us to have a better life together and he claims that drugs and alcohol saved his life. I have been going through this with him and I am losing hope and I love him and it brakes my soul that I can't reach him.
I know the phenomenon about when I'm about to give up, it can be part of the shift...
Great video. Loved hearing from some one rkse
Heres what ive personally done to my mom who would act a fool while drunk. I started recording her. She didnt know she was being recorded, and when she seen how she acted, it horrified her. It worked.
People need to SEE their behavior. They understand how it effects you, but they drink/snort/ thise emotiins away. When sober, they tell you everything you want to hear, then YOU FEEL like theyre getting it. But they aren't. An addict is a mastor manipulator, the drug of choice makes their decisions, so, if youve had the conversation, and they keep saying theyre working on it, but youre seeing no results, they aren't working in it.
They're babysitting your comfort. Its a bad situation, and very difficult.
Thank you 🙏🏼 Amber , thank you Mickey . ❤️🩹
Thank you for watching, Kari and especially for taking time to leave a comment! 💟
I wish i sould have seen these video's years ago. I didnt realize i was dealing with my husband wrong. Thank you.
You’re amazing Amber 🌟xxxxx
Wow, thanks Rachael 💞
I plan on listening to this a little later when I have time, but just reading the title is something that resonates with me deeply.
My son (my only child) who's 31 and been on the streets 2yrs now (addicted to fentanyl) has come close to entering detox/rehab the past several months. He walked out the first time after nearly 3 days and after that, had several chances with an available bed but at last minute didn't go. The last time was almost 2 months ago and he went in and THEY had to make him leave cuz he tested positive for covid uughh 😫
Since then it's been nothing but false promises and I'm at my wits end.
The title "how many chances do you let them" hits wicked close to home because on one hand, I totally get it and understand it but on the other hand I don't feel I should ever give up hope!!
Anyways, I can't wait to listen to the whole thing and I'm hoping it'll help me figure out how to reconcile BOTH of these!! 🙏
My heart is with you. My 19 year old has been using fentanyl for 4 yrs now and is living on the streets. He just left his 1st stent of rehab after 2 weeks of sobriety. Not sure how much more I can take.
@@ladonnaramirez1533 oh my heart breaks for you 💔 😢
My son got himself off it a few times prior to being on the streets (he's been on it since 2019) before he lost his job, car, apartment, but he the longest he stayed clean was a couple months. Once he got on the streets, he never even TRIED until recently.
I totally know what you're feeling right now cuz I've been there several times now.
I guess the only thing I can tell you is this- I finally learned the only way I could even remotely deal with it without completely giving up, was to accept only my son could make it happen and rely on my faith in God. I refuse to believe I was blessed to have been given my son, only to have THIS be his life!! I ask God to keep my son safe every night and everyday I wake up, and he's still alive, I thank our Lord. As long as my son is still alive and breathing he has the chance to live once again, instead of simply existing. Your son has SO many more years and you can never stop believing he can beat this, even though it can take several tries, but the more times they try and fail, the closer they get to success!
I know that isn't gonna make you feel any better, and it took me a couple of years to get to this mindset, but it's all we can do.
We miss our REAL children everyday because the person they become when using, doesn't allow their true selves to be- that part of them gets pushed way down deep because the drugs take control of every aspect of their being.
Like I said in my original comment, I will NEVER give up hope and you can't either. The moment you give up hope, the drugs and darkness win and our sons NEED us to never give up
I've said a prayer and asked God to give you the strength to keep moving forward. Yes, you're entitled to have bad days where you feel completely defeated and to just break down and cry. But as mom's we also have the strength and the will to do ANYTHING for our kids and I know you're stronger than you feel right now!! God bless you and your son and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers!!! Much love and peace for both of you! 🙏😊❤️
@@jenniferandrews8449 What a blessing your words are. They are balm to soothe my soul. Sometimes I feel like Im drowning in the darkness of his addiction. He has a baby (my 1st grandchild) due February 23rd and I can only hope & pray that he will be alive to see it. The GF has her addictions as well and is homeless with him...that baby has renewed my strength to continue to fight. Im not sure what the future holds but your words will stay with me. My son has honestly never really been a joy. Lots of behavioral issues since age 2. Fentanyl has only exacerbated the issues....You and your son will be in my daily prayers. May peace & kindness & wellbeing find us both ❤
💟💖
@@ladonnaramirez1533 in one respect, I'm SO sorry there's an new baby coming to them soon (only because of the worry you have over the situation) but in the other hand I'm wicked happy that baby is giving you the strength to continue AND something wonderful to look forward to.
I will include your grandchild in my prayers as well!!!
As much as my husband and I would love to have a grandchild, we're so thankful he's never had one because of his addiction.
There are things we may not like about what our children do and sometimes even hate those things, but the love remains constant and your heartfelt concern for your son IS that love!!!!
Have faith that God knows what's to come and He always does!
Never give up and like you said, you have even more of a reason to keep fighting because that little baby will need you just as much as your son needs you!!
I'm glad I was able to make you feel even a little better and us "moms of addicts" need to stick together and lift each other up whenever possible! 😊❤️🙏
Wow your guest is a parallel to my situation!
I can attest. I was taking my son to NA meetings. I want with him 2x then the last 4 i took him and picked him up. Day 7 I picked him up and I could tell he was hyper, not comfortable. We got into a fight, i know I triggered him and he left the house and used.
He took a spiral…..
I pray him constantly ❤
There's two hurricanes happening in my uncle's life who is the addict 1) he couldn't take his rehab so after 2-3 wks he had his wife come and get him but she didn't want him back in the house and 2) his wife has been just diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. But I think he's too sick to understand. So he's got a protective order against him and she needs support to get through her current emergency. It's like 2 emergencies at the same time! You got any advice? Love your videos. They are both older like 60's, he just retired 3 years ago during covid, and he was on a job where he drank for 30 days and didn't drink for 30 days. So when he retired he drank every day and his health is now really really bad. I don't know where your business is but I am definitely going to be referring them to you. Thank you for everything you do!
They don’t need any chances from me. They need to make the chance for themselves. If they don’t, knowing help’s available, then that is a choice toward their end. I can chose to participate or not in their program. In their choice. I can say I’ll support them getting qualified help and their healthy lifestyle but I’ll be putting boundaries up to protect me and mine from any unhealthy decision they might make that could affect us negatively.
So sorry Micki.
Thanks!
Wow! Thanks Debbie! 😊😊😊
I gave my person 22 years of chances, finally said enough, left and got my own place. And then my person decided to get help.
WT everloving F? It took this?
A similar thing happened to me with my ex-husband. We were together for four years. He was sober for 2yrs before he had an MVA. I will always wonder if he was sober or not when that happened. Watching your best friend obliterate themselves is awful!
Here, I am experiencing a similar situation again, except I didn't marry the guy. I'm in no hurry to marry. That little paper changes everything and how you're treated sociologically. I learned that in sociology.
I'm about to drop the hammer on him and walk away after six years of a roller coaster ride. I've been distancing myself and keeping busy. Learning to be on my own again. Regaining my trail blazing spirit.
He can't see the forest for the trees. I've told him he is at the helm of his ship. He steers left and hits the iceberg and steers he steers right He avoids said proverbial iceberg. I also said to him, the choice He makes will choose his fate.
He has no social skills to keep
a job/AUD problems, and hates people.
I can't be with someone like that any longer. I want someone who lives not to exist and just be there. Grab life be the horns and ride it!
Look at Chris Herren he came back after years of terrible addiction. There’s hope. That’s what I cling to.
He has a wonderful story. So inspirational!
i’m stop drinking tomorrow my girlfriend would say . always tomorrow and tomorrow never comes
Here is the concept of Al-anon: I am powerless over their addictions/alcoholism, etc. I am NOT powerless of me! I cannot change them. I can only change me.
My 45 year old said he hated my guts today because I would not do what he wanted, it was like a dagger through my heart, but I know he didn’t mean it!
Lol... a 45 year old saying "hates your guts" ... embarrassingly childish statement... something a teen might say to his mom.
I feel you Sabrina. My 27 year old has told me that as well. God bless you 🙏
No, unfortunately he did mean it. So now tell him to go f..k himself. And mean it!
I’m so curious to know how things are going with Micki and her AH. Is there an update a year later?
12 steps.
What is you show your sadness and they just don’t care or get mad at you?
My boyfriend family doesn’t care about him anymore they’re tired of him they even said we don’t care even if he dead that’s why I’m all alone fighting for our relationship I can’t even talk to his family specially my family
I’m so sorry. I know this kind of pain and despair. Hugs.
I really appreciate this video today. I been living with my boyfriend for almost 4 years and he’s yo-yoed back and forth. Recently the change talk has been brought up a lot. He’s seen his best friend and both his parents die due to alcoholism. I think he wants to change but doesn’t know how. I want to help him but again I don’t know how. He’s gone to some AA meeting but says it’s not for him. He doesn’t have insurance so that’s been an issue too. He recently said he’d do rehab if he had insurance but the other issue is he doesn’t want to take the time off without pay. Any suggestions?
Go to Al-Anon.
Smart meetings may help him.
how do you hold boundaries when they deny ?
Does it make a difference if we don't overreact. Sometimes I freak out and it just makes my son go deeper into denail. I think addiction must be different for men than women. Because men have this inbuilt intuition that they are supposed to protect and provide but they have also built a pathway in the brain that says they care more about the substance and don't care who they hurt in order to get it. I think this must cause a cognitive dissonance in them which is painful because while they inately feel the pull to be protector they also feel the pull towards addiction and not caring. This adds a level of pain of failure that is so deep they just want to run and so, rather than our expressions of pain or frustration or fear or sadness or even being manipulated leading to them stopping, it actually must make them want to run further into denial and the way to do that is by using again. So, I'm thinking as I'm listening to you, Amber, that having faith that they will be released from this addiction and have realistic expectations in the meantime that include relapses and still be there to be the encourager and the one who won't take any crap from them is the best approach. Am I hitting the bulls eye or at the least the target? It feels so much like you are in the battle with them but at what point does it become co-dependency?
As the spouse of an alcoholic, which videos should I watch (that Micki was talking about) on how to react to this? I have recently asked him to leave the house, he's staying with his mother for now, but I don't want our marriage to end, I just want him to stop. Please direct me to the videos for me and even him to watch.
for Micki, have you ever thought of filming him?
what is the drama triangle and what is the empowerment triangle that one of the chat peeps, Amber, talks about?
My son (40)has been addict for over 20 years using many drugs ( heroin, meth. Etc.). Went to methadone clinic for several years and recently switched to suboxone at my suggestion. I wanted him to go to the injection or implant to prevent cheating which he keeps putting off. My question should we keep talking about this or wait until he decides ? He Has been to rehab and drug court without much success. He also uses alcohol to excess but works every day.
I thought going to clinic would stop them from using. I saw it was so they won't detox.
Do you do online therapy for families?
We don't do therapy for people out of South Carolina, but we do offer virtual consultation sessions or short term coaching. Here's a link to learn more: www.familyrecoveryacademy.online/consultations
How can I get extra 1 on 1 help. My husband does not want to quit at all. He says I met him when he was drinking and I’m the one that has changed not him. He is a full functional alcoholic and does not see a problem with his drinking. I am trying to learn to cope with a person with addiction who doesn’t see it and does not want to change or quit.
We offer coaching sessions if you're interested. Here's a link to learn more: www.familyrecoveryacademy.online/consultations
I also think our Invisible Intervention program might be helpful for you: www.familyrecoveryacademy.online/invisible-intervention
What if my heart is broken?
I am 2
Ha ha, my husband use to get on me for not rolling the toothpaste tube up. So just started buying his and her toothpaste.
Good solution
The good stories are what keeps me in an abusive relationship 🥺
Take a book
There is no excuse for people who choose to continue in destructive behaviors. There are plenty of tools that can be utilized to overcome. Bottomline those who choose their addictions are lazy and selfish and don't want to do the work. They rather take the easy lazy selfish way.
Get out early, don’t waste 3+ years like I did. The heartache is NOT worth it.
What do you do when your son has used IV meth and he refused to even do drug tests to keep his daughter. Says he’s not an addict and hasn’t worked in 13 years. Living in a motor home. I have cut all money off. I just need him to hit bottom.
Crying
How do I get there
??
❤
48:13 so true!
Thanks 😍
Are addict's narcissist? Or do they just seem that way when using?
Hi Sandi, here's a video on that exact topic: th-cam.com/video/HmsWgb3OxEU/w-d-xo.html
I'm here now
Sorry
Thank you for sharing your story.
Im 50 split up from yet another lovely girfriend , im seriously done with weekend binge drinking and cocaine..
How are you doing now?
You get to find help! Hang in there - you are worth it.
2
So what are you supposed to do when you just don’t have anyone else to watch your kids and you work??
There’s always a way just just have to reach out and find the options in your area. Kid’s safety comes first. Leaving a child in the care of anyone in active addiction for any reason is a bad idea on every level.
Zero!
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Sorry M.D. We did the number thing when it was LIVE. Don't worry thought, we'll be doing it again tomorrow at our 1pm (eastern) live show.
Girl!! I just listened to your share and so feel you!! I hope you are doing well and I would love to be an ear if you need it. I’m going through the exact same thing!!
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300x times? When are you going to learn?
I’d love to be on with you. 68
It is really hard to hear what you are saying when you use "like" so much. Please try to stop using the word like so much!
Puh-lease. Speaking mannerisms are part of each of our unique presentation. You be you, and accept that others aren’t just like you.