What helped me to be more stable and secure is learning: 1. I have needs 2. Verbally express needs to myself 3. Express needs to others 4. Having a partner that understands communication and is emotionally safe and stable to talk about any need I have. 5. Then I feel I can trust more and express more 6. I feel relaxed and happy
I think my "ex" had quiet BPD. I tried to encourage them and tried to give them a safe space. But they had a warped idea of intimate relationship that they would not show flaws or weakness to their partner and would not seek help from them. They moved on to another and still wanted me to be in their life but I cut contact. I can support them with all my strength as a partner but cannot do that otherwise cause I got almost nothing in return. I still love them and want to cherish them but still I need to put my needs and health first. I feel they feared abandonment a lot so they put me in "a safe zone as a close if not the closest friend" so I would not leave, but that exact same thing made me leave them.
I’m the opposite with my BPD and relationships. The honeymoon phase never ends for me and I always view the person I’m with as perfect and value them. They leave the honeymoon phase while I’m still in it, then I start to assume they don’t love me anymore because I’m still obsessed with being in the honeymoon stage and extreme lovey dovey actions while they’re weening out. THEN I start to devalue them when they say I’m smothering them and want to distance themself. Then the yo-yoing starts 😭
@@onthelinecommunity Kayla, maybe to a lesser decree don't all relationships experience this? I don't know anyone who saw textbook healthy parent modeling. I think we all get in a relationship or marriage and it's an adjustment when the honeymoon/limerance wears off. And, the partner may not have good styles either.
Very greatful for your channel. There's at least 4 channels where the therapist, coach, person -with-a-vendetta against their INDIVIDUAL partner hold BPDs in disgust, contempt and really bash BPDs! You know, people without BPD aren't perfect either. And, they can have their own mental illness, axis B and addictions. If the partner cheats or lies and is unkind that isn't on the BPD. Our society isn't very healthy right now. Every one needs love understanding and compassion. BPDs can and do recover over time with good therapy and support! Thank you.❤️
I'm so glad you wrote this! There is a channel where the woman coach speaks as if in a relationship it's all the fault of BPD. It takes 2 people to working together to be successful. My husband was a gaslighter and terribly passive-aggressive. I would hold it in until I couldn't any longer and then explode. Then he'd act all smug and say, I can't take your mood swings. He tormented me and was cruel like that. I might have BPD but I wasn't crazy and I really wasn't causing the blow up.
Ive heard many girls tell me ill know it when i see it. Thank you for confirming to me that that is false confidence. I was too logical for a long time and i always meet women too emotional. Balance is clearly becoming the sweet spot these days.
There is a song I like a lot, it's one of my fav songs which reminds me of this (especially the honeymoon phase thing). It's The Spoils by Massive Attack (also Cate Blanchett is in the music video, how much better can it get?). In the mv Cate Blanchett becomes less and less human-like and turns into stone, barely recognizeable. The lyrics compliment this: "But I somehow slowly love you And wanna keep you the same Well, I somehow slowly know you And wanna keep you away" I realized this is how all my relationships are in general, not just romantic. I start liking someone more and more, but then at one point face the reality that they are not the same person I liked actually, I like an ideal version of them in my head. Because I like them, I overlook the things I did not like about them and magnify what I like in them or even add things they may not even have (the last part happens in long term). The more I get to know the "real" them, I just wanna keep them away from ruining that ideal, ruining that perfect person for me. Pushing them away. And somehow I slowly like them even more, the idealized version of them, and wanna keep them the same that way. Pulling them in. This is how it's been for me in friendships, romantic relationships, even acquintances that weren't even friends but an idealized version of them felt like a friend to me in my head, their image, while the actual person was not my friend or that close to me.
Thank you so much for your videos, they’ve been so informative. I just ended a relationship with someone with bpd and during our relationship, I felt like I was on a rollercoaster. If I tried to set boundaries and express how I felt, I got the silent treatment, stonewalling, my ex would pout or found a way to blame me. It honestly got to the point to where my ex didn’t talk to me for a whole day and cancelled a date I was excited about after I kindly told her that I was overwhelmed with how fast things were going. When I broke up with her, she went from blaming me for everything to professing her love to me 🤯 Needless to say, the yo-yo pattern you mentioned makes sense lol
How do I overcome the shame of knowing I've done this too? It really hurts knowing how this impacts the partner ( you). Please know if your ex girlfriend had better skills and therapy to cope with her own dysregulation she wouldn't have done this crazy making. If you were inside us, those quick cycles actually make sense. I'm really sorry you had to experience this! 🙏🏼🙏🏼
@@wendi2819 as long as you (as a BPD partner) use non violent communication, are open, want to change and take action - thats fine with me. Otherwise, there is no point. BPD people need to/l actively seek help
I’m experiencing this as well. He’s now my ex and he truly believes I’m a narcissist because I try to share my needs and place boundaries over his extreme behaviors. I’m absolutely exhausted and the way I was treated got so bad that I’m currently feeling disgust. I haven’t been this angry at an ex in over 20 years. I feel less confident after he called me a narcissist. He doesn’t raise his voice, he always stays passive aggressive or stonewalls for days to weeks. My system is burned out. I had more stamina in the beginning to put up with it and to be compassionate but that just ramped him up. The only way he will calm down is if I confess my undying love and apologize repeatedly- every single time…..so I’m done with the one sided relationship. I realize he’s not comfortable staying his needs either, he says he doesn’t need anything besides sex and that I should also be independent enough to not depend on him. It’s the coldest relationship I’ve ever been in. I’m glad it got as ugly as it did because all hope is gone and now I can heal.
This is a good topic to cover as I believe our internal models clash with outsides partners. Trying to find clarity in a healthy way can be so difficult and its so much a case of testing the water and being mindful of reactions to situations to separate what is healthy and what is toxic. I'm trying with forming healthy friendships first and a positive, this is working much better than it has been and the future looks bright. Thanks for your work in this subject
Hello. I'm so glad I found your channel. For so long I felt so alone... it's SO easy for me to go down a spiral of feeling like no one cares about me & that I'm worthless. I am working on this with my therapist now that I have my diagnosis. It's really hard to feel like I deserve friends/ connections or love. And it's so sad that I fall into that habitual thought ALL THE TIME. It really takes a lot to pick myself up again. I find a lot of people don't understand and feel that I'm just a horrible person because they don't know what I'm going through and I often don't want to tell them. Anyways, you give me HOPE. Thanks so much
This is precisely what happens to me. I alternate between avoidant and anxious attachment style patterns in a romantic relationship. Apart from that, I also struggle with recognizing ''what's real'' and ''what's made up''. I can't make sure if what I am thinking is actually a red flag of my partner or if it's just another made-up delusion I have in my mind. So I have to ask my friends or family members all the time if my partner is free of ''red flags'' but I always end up being more confused. What should I do?
I was with my ex with BPD for 6 months before she broke up with me on Valentine's. Everything was perfect and smooth sailing, she was telling me how much she loves me and how much she appreciates me for being patient with listening and comprehending her feelings, just being her safe space. And then boom, she told me all of these hurtful things and gave me a list of things I did that she didn't like. Then proceeds to say I never change and she doesn't trust me. She was already talking to this new guy a week ago and they immediately got together after our breakup. I'm just baffled because I was extremely cautious to avoid stepping on eggshells. But I feel like I triggered her by setting a boundary on how much time we went together, I told her that I've been feeling exhausted for work since I'll stay up with her until 3 AM and it would be 12 AM her time, and yes this was an LDR.
I’m so sorry that happened, that sounds really devastating. It sounds like you invested a lot into the relationship and you absolutely didn’t deserve to be treated that way. I think it’s really important for you to take time for yourself intentionally after a breakup and especially after a relationship that seemed so intense. Cry, feel your feelings, journal and process your emotions. If maintaining contact with her and seeing her activity is too painful, blocking and/or going no contact might be a good idea too. Sending you positive vibes ❤
My wife ended our marriage, we have a daughter, and 5 year relationship in exactly the same way. We lost our virginities together. She slept with a man off tinder who was 14 years older than her a week after leaving. She is diagnosed. It’s been living hell. I have tried not to give up on her but she only seems to get more out of touch and entrenched in these delusional negative feedback loops. Our entire love and relationship seems like amnesia to her now. BPD is a very evil disorder.
My pwBPD would assign a personality to me that wasn't actually me, and then use that as the excuse for why she'd hold me at arm's length, and when she started to devalue me, they would be turned into why I wasn't the right one, according to her friends (triangulation?) That was tough.
This hell started a bit over two .months ago and it's had some of the most heartwrenching moments I've ever experienced. To see screenshots of this incredibly special person to you who only days or weeks ago would spend every minute of every day talking to you and brightening each others' days now saying horrible things about you and making other people think you're some monster and talking to him you hear nothing but denial of anything being wrong while he won't even tell you anything about this huge event he's been looking forward to for a year and you're sidelined. If that had only been the worst part. It just keeps getting more and more hellish. I promised to myself I'd never use his abandonment issues to manipulate his behavior at all so I've tried to be as steady and unconditional as I possibly can but it's backfired. He still tests me with a myriad of things to see it he gets me to walk but at baseline he's a block of ice and he's gone as far as not even calling me by my name anymore, I used to miss him calling me by his nickname for me but now I apparently don't even deserve to be called by my name most of the time.
To heal attachment style, selfcompassion, and healthy boundarieto keep my inner child and true self safe, and advocating for my needs in healthy ways to keep finding available people ,where I can share my true self and get my needs for connection met and embrace communication, when you have the difficult conversations or you ask when you need to clarify something it shows a lot about the other persons availability, some people will flat out try invalidating or gaslighting which is the cue that I need to stay true to me , speak ym truth and then disengage! :) and keep choosing rather the available people for workable relationships , respect is a huge component, communication , boundaries, mutuality and vulnerability and healthy connection happens when there are some of these elements in place specially boundaries which allow my true self to be safe and safely expressed, and me to take my space in the world, as well. , , , im worth it in a good way were worth it. With gentleness humor love and respect were worth it!!!!!! :) God speed were worth it !:) with gentlnesshumor love and respect were worth it. Thanks for the video friend!
Your videos are so good. I have just discovered them. THANK YOU! I am convinced my W suffers from QBPD. Our relationship suffers from exactly the push-pull dynamic that you describe. I feel very devalued over time and am getting tired of being treated like this. Yet on the surface to all others this is invisible. I only see this because I am closest to her. I am trying to understand this so I can better learn how to deal and cope with this as I love her and don’t want to leave her but may if things don’t improve. The thing is this - she refuses to recognise this, won’t get any help/therapy and so won’t change or at least try and recognise this. So what do I do? PLEASE do a podcast on how partners of those with QBPD or BPD in general cab better cope and handle this.
Just show her you miss her when she pulled away. With bpd you have distrust in people and want to see exactly how much they REALLY care about you. So you pull away out of fear of rejection and if the other person doesn't look you up after a bit, you start believing they are glad to be rid of you. Dpd people need a lot of understanding and safe space, and a lot of love, since they were neglected as childern.
I’m really sorry you’re going through this. Unfortunately, if someone isn’t willing to acknowledge their issues and do the work to improve their coping skills and relationships, there isn’t much you can do. You absolutely don’t deserve to be devalued in your relationship and one of my favorite tiktok creators (who has bpd) made an excellent point by saying, “in no part, place or community in the world is it ok to devalue your partner”. It’s awesome that you’re seeking out resources on bpd but I hope your partner’s able to meet you there and recognize this pattern ❤️
@@PCLHHthat is understandable and I have a lot of empathy for my exwbpd but at some point I, like many others, simply ran out of energy to prove over and over again that I care while the bar kept getting higher and higher. I was very patient with them and tried to get them out of their lows as best as I could but at some point I sat there for sometimes 8+ hours trying to help while being pushed away repeatedly. It's like being tested over and over again for the same thing that has little to do with me. At some point it felt like another full time job just to prove to this person that I care. It's a big burden to expect that from someone else. It's more often than not not as easy as just "showing them you miss them" because if you say so they will not believe you and demand you to prove it in more and more draining and oddly specific ways (without ever expressing what they actually want). In my experience anything less than 100 percent availability, energy and mind reading won't cut it and even then you have to do this enormous effort over and over again which isn't healthy. It's not fair to play these mind games of pulling away so "I can see how much you REALLY care and it's your job to prove it to me!!" It really messes with the other person.
This all happened with my partner, the problem is after the first 2 break ups i started clinging to her in fear of her breaking up with me again and that pushed her even further away. I'm just hoping we can get back together again i want to be there for her, be supportive and understanding, she has already been divorced twice, i just want to be the man who will be understanding and give her some sort of happiness for the rest of her life.
These videos sometimes make me think how much my emotions were invalidated as a child because I was "too sensitive" and idk if they could have caused the trauma but now I'm invalidating my own feelings too, like even now I'm thinking "they were such simple stuff though, there's no way those could have altered the structure of my brain right" and now, I honestly don't know how to feel
im trying to learn better so i can empathize with BPD but it is extremely scary and painful getting in any type of relationship with them. just getting a glimpse of it in the past has affected me deeply.
Your videos are great. My girlfriend has bpd. Our relationship in general is amazing she recognizes she has bpd and has set herself great boundaries that keep our relationship strong. Now on new years eve she was a victim of a violent assault attempted murder by strangulation from what was supposed to be a longtime family friend of hers. Do you have any suggestions for me to best help her thru this without overwhelming her? Physically she is mostly ok but she is very shook up and almost doesn't even want me to touch her.
I love your hair color change (or it could be the lighting?). Either way, looks great and this video was very helpful and timely for my life currently. Thank you.
I guess I am on the outside looking in. I find this quite strange. Distancing yourself because you are afraid of someone abandoning you. When you do distance yourself, your spouse or someone you are dating choose to leave you alone. When they leave you alone, that makes you want to come back. It is pretty wild. I don't know, I think something should click in their mind. something like, maybe I should show them properly love despite what I fear. I think that will yield better results.
When my pwbpd stops communicating with me for days I think they’re lying to me and possibly have another relationship right under my nose. Anyone with bpd should be aware how they disrespect the loving person who keeps being patient and nice even though we feel abused
Someone close to me exhibits this kind of behavior. There have been multiple times where its felt like we were breaking through to more closeness/intimacy then she got scared and pushed me away. Is there hope, that with enough time and patience and emotional safety these patterns will soften? Can someone with (suspected) BPD learn to trust?
My ex boyfriend was diagnosed with ADHD and said also has OCD tendencies. He early on started to show insecurities, that I would be tired of him and leave, when I was smitten. And soon it turned into focusing on flaws, from body details to mannerisms to any thing I said. I thought that was relationship OCD. He felt torn and tormented to "have to" break up, because he loved "so many things about me". But he did. I wondered if that could have been BPD all along, although I didn't feel idealised. Because he also has the impulsivity, lot of shame and negative self concept (and I didn't like his narcissistic family)... So could it be "just" ADHD.. A year later, he's contacted me and seems to want me bacK. Any thoughts from people who know BPD?
It’s next to impossible to fit in that perfect model. I guess I came the closest with my ex as our honeymoon period lasted 3 years but my needs to have my own place to live essentially ruined everything in her mind even though I spent 5 days a week with her. Still not enough. We still love each other but she’s out there finding that person who will live with her - even though I checked off ALL the other boxes. I’m 7 minutes from her house & gave her unconditional love - despite all the crap she’s put me through. Heartbreaking 💔
This true with me but I am a paraplegic and get ill often. So, I thought it was more my illness. BPD runs in my family, but most are not the quiet BPD. 😂 I was hopeful I was not BPD. 😂
I suggest you ( ON THE LINE ) also advice thsoe with BPD to also get treatment for these BPD patterns of behaviors,.. instead of only advice them to take ownership in those patterns and then you want them to say,.."this is me and who I am through a so called embracing those patterns as some kind of an IDENTITY .... instead of getting therapy and treament for those patterns, because that is to take FULL RESPONISIBILLITY for having BPD... .. ..because its very confusing for fellow human beings to related to those with BPD especially in that PUSH PULL scenario and especially when its relates to those who are in the cathegory being a QUIET BPD, in combination with GHOSTING and also when they do MONKEY BRANCHING in the GHOSTING PERIOD and then yet again starts the PUSH & PULL and its all ending up being a complete MESS of complete confusion ... and as mention it is extra confusing trying to relate to those who being a QUIET BPD, in combination with GHOSTING and also when they do MONKEY BRANCHING in the GHOSTING PERIOD and also when being in relation to someone and then yet again starts the PUSH & PULL... in an on and off patterns both during GHOSTING PERIOD / AND WHEN BEING TOGETHER... ....& I do not write this from a victim mentality perspective ...cause I myself oneself do take fully responsibillity for what and whom I do relates to and involve myself oneself into and ido take responsilbillity to stop relate and or invole with something or someone or a sutuation that is NOT good for me,... BUT still..its very confusing to relate to someone with BPD and especiially those who do have the QUIET BPD patterns and i did also find a lot of info that helped me understand aka innerstand from within myself oneself when I did came across this woman www.youtube.com/@bpdbreakupcodependencyrecovery that also do talk and explain a lot about this BPD topic and she do it very deeply from may years of experiences and many years of helping and treathing people. DO FURTHER NOTICE with that said I also willl say that I am in gratitude for my experiences I have had with someone with BPD ( quiet one ) cause through this relation I got to discover and became FULLY aware of my own CO-DEPENENCY patterns that did came from my own childhood, ( they became established in my very early childhood ) and II have taken my FULL responsibillity for those patterns and then I have transformed, healed and released those patterns 😉
I know a few bpd people and narcissist and I don’t understand why they feel the need to be attached to someone I don’t want anything with someone that is constantly changing and wants to emotionally hurt me what a bpd person needs to do is go get therapy and dont date until they are healed no one should have to suffer for another suffering that they didn’t cause I try to keep I tried showing love and the person act like an idiot so why should i remain where someone is so sick they can’t accept normal relationship I just want these people to leave me alone and go get help but they keep coming towards me to interact I think all cluster bs should not be in relationship because they are very selfish and evil don’t have a good word to say if I wasn’t strong and clued up I would have not recovered from the abuse I been through with these people so to all of you bpd or narcissist sociopaths etc go and get help it’s not other people’s fault you’ve been hurt and abused in childhood go get therapy and stop projecting on everyone that’s not like you
Having been through this type of relationship the hardest part is actually not knowing wth is going on. How do you deal with something when you don't know what you are dealing with? You love this person and you too are suffering but you just don't know what to do and end up feeling that you yourself are the problem.
![ค้าง (STILL) - GEMINI [ OFFICIAL MV ]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/Ftxx3hk5vkU/mqdefault.jpg)
What helped me to be more stable and secure is learning:
1. I have needs
2. Verbally express needs to myself
3. Express needs to others
4. Having a partner that understands communication and is emotionally safe and stable to talk about any need I have.
5. Then I feel I can trust more and express more
6. I feel relaxed and happy
Great tips!
I think my "ex" had quiet BPD. I tried to encourage them and tried to give them a safe space. But they had a warped idea of intimate relationship that they would not show flaws or weakness to their partner and would not seek help from them. They moved on to another and still wanted me to be in their life but I cut contact. I can support them with all my strength as a partner but cannot do that otherwise cause I got almost nothing in return. I still love them and want to cherish them but still I need to put my needs and health first. I feel they feared abandonment a lot so they put me in "a safe zone as a close if not the closest friend" so I would not leave, but that exact same thing made me leave them.
Dealing with it right now one moment we are together loving one another the next they don’t want nothing to do with me then back to loving each other
I’m the opposite with my BPD and relationships. The honeymoon phase never ends for me and I always view the person I’m with as perfect and value them. They leave the honeymoon phase while I’m still in it, then I start to assume they don’t love me anymore because I’m still obsessed with being in the honeymoon stage and extreme lovey dovey actions while they’re weening out. THEN I start to devalue them when they say I’m smothering them and want to distance themself. Then the yo-yoing starts 😭
That sounds very difficult, I’m sorry!
@@onthelinecommunity Kayla, maybe to a lesser decree don't all relationships experience this? I don't know anyone who saw textbook healthy parent modeling. I think we all get in a relationship or marriage and it's an adjustment when the honeymoon/limerance wears off. And, the partner may not have good styles either.
Same
This is me
Relatable. You’re not alone ❤
Very greatful for your channel. There's at least 4 channels where the therapist, coach, person -with-a-vendetta against their INDIVIDUAL partner hold BPDs in disgust, contempt and really bash BPDs! You know, people without BPD aren't perfect either. And, they can have their own mental illness, axis B and addictions. If the partner cheats or lies and is unkind that isn't on the BPD. Our society isn't very healthy right now. Every one needs love understanding and compassion. BPDs can and do recover over time with good therapy and support! Thank you.❤️
Thank you for that nice comment ☺️
I'm so glad you wrote this! There is a channel where the woman coach speaks as if in a relationship it's all the fault of BPD. It takes 2 people to working together to be successful. My husband was a gaslighter and terribly passive-aggressive. I would hold it in until I couldn't any longer and then explode. Then he'd act all smug and say, I can't take your mood swings. He tormented me and was cruel like that. I might have BPD but I wasn't crazy and I really wasn't causing the blow up.
Ive heard many girls tell me ill know it when i see it. Thank you for confirming to me that that is false confidence. I was too logical for a long time and i always meet women too emotional. Balance is clearly becoming the sweet spot these days.
You’re the absolute best. The only person who was able to help me understand what I also exactly go through. Thank you!!!
Aww thank you for that 🥰
Please keep making videos!! They’re amazing.
There is a song I like a lot, it's one of my fav songs which reminds me of this (especially the honeymoon phase thing). It's The Spoils by Massive Attack (also Cate Blanchett is in the music video, how much better can it get?). In the mv Cate Blanchett becomes less and less human-like and turns into stone, barely recognizeable. The lyrics compliment this:
"But I somehow slowly love you
And wanna keep you the same
Well, I somehow slowly know you
And wanna keep you away"
I realized this is how all my relationships are in general, not just romantic. I start liking someone more and more, but then at one point face the reality that they are not the same person I liked actually, I like an ideal version of them in my head. Because I like them, I overlook the things I did not like about them and magnify what I like in them or even add things they may not even have (the last part happens in long term). The more I get to know the "real" them, I just wanna keep them away from ruining that ideal, ruining that perfect person for me. Pushing them away.
And somehow I slowly like them even more, the idealized version of them, and wanna keep them the same that way. Pulling them in. This is how it's been for me in friendships, romantic relationships, even acquintances that weren't even friends but an idealized version of them felt like a friend to me in my head, their image, while the actual person was not my friend or that close to me.
Thank you so much for sharing this! It’ll be very helpful to others ☺️
Thank you so much for your videos, they’ve been so informative. I just ended a relationship with someone with bpd and during our relationship, I felt like I was on a rollercoaster. If I tried to set boundaries and express how I felt, I got the silent treatment, stonewalling, my ex would pout or found a way to blame me. It honestly got to the point to where my ex didn’t talk to me for a whole day and cancelled a date I was excited about after I kindly told her that I was overwhelmed with how fast things were going. When I broke up with her, she went from blaming me for everything to professing her love to me 🤯 Needless to say, the yo-yo pattern you mentioned makes sense lol
It can definitely make dating very tricky! Be proud of yourself for being able to do what’s right for you ultimately.
How do I overcome the shame of knowing I've done this too? It really hurts knowing how this impacts the partner ( you). Please know if your ex girlfriend had better skills and therapy to cope with her own dysregulation she wouldn't have done this crazy making. If you were inside us, those quick cycles actually make sense. I'm really sorry you had to experience this! 🙏🏼🙏🏼
@@wendi2819 as long as you (as a BPD partner) use non violent communication, are open, want to change and take action - thats fine with me. Otherwise, there is no point. BPD people need to/l actively seek help
@@fx4147 thanks. I agree.
I’m experiencing this as well. He’s now my ex and he truly believes I’m a narcissist because I try to share my needs and place boundaries over his extreme behaviors. I’m absolutely exhausted and the way I was treated got so bad that I’m currently feeling disgust. I haven’t been this angry at an ex in over 20 years. I feel less confident after he called me a narcissist. He doesn’t raise his voice, he always stays passive aggressive or stonewalls for days to weeks. My system is burned out. I had more stamina in the beginning to put up with it and to be compassionate but that just ramped him up. The only way he will calm down is if I confess my undying love and apologize repeatedly- every single time…..so I’m done with the one sided relationship. I realize he’s not comfortable staying his needs either, he says he doesn’t need anything besides sex and that I should also be independent enough to not depend on him. It’s the coldest relationship I’ve ever been in. I’m glad it got as ugly as it did because all hope is gone and now I can heal.
This is a good topic to cover as I believe our internal models clash with outsides partners. Trying to find clarity in a healthy way can be so difficult and its so much a case of testing the water and being mindful of reactions to situations to separate what is healthy and what is toxic. I'm trying with forming healthy friendships first and a positive, this is working much better than it has been and the future looks bright. Thanks for your work in this subject
Anytime! ☺️
Hello. I'm so glad I found your channel. For so long I felt so alone... it's SO easy for me to go down a spiral of feeling like no one cares about me & that I'm worthless. I am working on this with my therapist now that I have my diagnosis. It's really hard to feel like I deserve friends/ connections or love. And it's so sad that I fall into that habitual thought ALL THE TIME. It really takes a lot to pick myself up again. I find a lot of people don't understand and feel that I'm just a horrible person because they don't know what I'm going through and I often don't want to tell them.
Anyways, you give me HOPE.
Thanks so much
This is precisely what happens to me. I alternate between avoidant and anxious attachment style patterns in a romantic relationship. Apart from that, I also struggle with recognizing ''what's real'' and ''what's made up''. I can't make sure if what I am thinking is actually a red flag of my partner or if it's just another made-up delusion I have in my mind. So I have to ask my friends or family members all the time if my partner is free of ''red flags'' but I always end up being more confused. What should I do?
That's interesting.
My ex pwBPD would ask questions like that of others, but they would be tainted, so she would get back answers that were not me.
I was with my ex with BPD for 6 months before she broke up with me on Valentine's. Everything was perfect and smooth sailing, she was telling me how much she loves me and how much she appreciates me for being patient with listening and comprehending her feelings, just being her safe space. And then boom, she told me all of these hurtful things and gave me a list of things I did that she didn't like. Then proceeds to say I never change and she doesn't trust me. She was already talking to this new guy a week ago and they immediately got together after our breakup. I'm just baffled because I was extremely cautious to avoid stepping on eggshells. But I feel like I triggered her by setting a boundary on how much time we went together, I told her that I've been feeling exhausted for work since I'll stay up with her until 3 AM and it would be 12 AM her time, and yes this was an LDR.
Oh might I add that she's untreated and has no plans on getting treated, I tried my best to convince her for her own wellbeing.
What happened since then? If not treated, stay away
I’m so sorry that happened, that sounds really devastating. It sounds like you invested a lot into the relationship and you absolutely didn’t deserve to be treated that way. I think it’s really important for you to take time for yourself intentionally after a breakup and especially after a relationship that seemed so intense. Cry, feel your feelings, journal and process your emotions. If maintaining contact with her and seeing her activity is too painful, blocking and/or going no contact might be a good idea too. Sending you positive vibes ❤
My wife ended our marriage, we have a daughter, and 5 year relationship in exactly the same way. We lost our virginities together. She slept with a man off tinder who was 14 years older than her a week after leaving. She is diagnosed. It’s been living hell. I have tried not to give up on her but she only seems to get more out of touch and entrenched in these delusional negative feedback loops. Our entire love and relationship seems like amnesia to her now. BPD is a very evil disorder.
It is not her fault. Everybody was BPD has been abused as a child. The book “get me out of here” really helped me understand it.
Watched a few videos, big fan so far. I like the calm and measured delivery of the info
I appreciate it ☺️
My pwBPD would assign a personality to me that wasn't actually me, and then use that as the excuse for why she'd hold me at arm's length, and when she started to devalue me, they would be turned into why I wasn't the right one, according to her friends (triangulation?)
That was tough.
The exactly same thing happened to me with my ex! 😊
This hell started a bit over two .months ago and it's had some of the most heartwrenching moments I've ever experienced. To see screenshots of this incredibly special person to you who only days or weeks ago would spend every minute of every day talking to you and brightening each others' days now saying horrible things about you and making other people think you're some monster and talking to him you hear nothing but denial of anything being wrong while he won't even tell you anything about this huge event he's been looking forward to for a year and you're sidelined. If that had only been the worst part. It just keeps getting more and more hellish. I promised to myself I'd never use his abandonment issues to manipulate his behavior at all so I've tried to be as steady and unconditional as I possibly can but it's backfired. He still tests me with a myriad of things to see it he gets me to walk but at baseline he's a block of ice and he's gone as far as not even calling me by my name anymore, I used to miss him calling me by his nickname for me but now I apparently don't even deserve to be called by my name most of the time.
To heal attachment style, selfcompassion, and healthy boundarieto keep my inner child and true self safe, and advocating for my needs in healthy ways to keep finding available people ,where I can share my true self and get my needs for connection met and embrace communication, when you have the difficult conversations or you ask when you need to clarify something it shows a lot about the other persons availability, some people will flat out try invalidating or gaslighting which is the cue that I need to stay true to me , speak ym truth and then disengage! :) and keep choosing rather the available people for workable relationships , respect is a huge component, communication , boundaries, mutuality and vulnerability and healthy connection happens when there are some of these elements in place specially boundaries which allow my true self to be safe and safely expressed, and me to take my space in the world, as well. , , , im worth it in a good way were worth it. With gentleness humor love and respect were worth it!!!!!! :) God speed were worth it !:) with gentlnesshumor love and respect were worth it. Thanks for the video friend!
Your videos are so good. I have just discovered them. THANK YOU! I am convinced my W suffers from QBPD. Our relationship suffers from exactly the push-pull dynamic that you describe. I feel very devalued over time and am getting tired of being treated like this. Yet on the surface to all others this is invisible. I only see this because I am closest to her. I am trying to understand this so I can better learn how to deal and cope with this as I love her and don’t want to leave her but may if things don’t improve. The thing is this - she refuses to recognise this, won’t get any help/therapy and so won’t change or at least try and recognise this. So what do I do? PLEASE do a podcast on how partners of those with QBPD or BPD in general cab better cope and handle this.
Just show her you miss her when she pulled away. With bpd you have distrust in people and want to see exactly how much they REALLY care about you. So you pull away out of fear of rejection and if the other person doesn't look you up after a bit, you start believing they are glad to be rid of you. Dpd people need a lot of understanding and safe space, and a lot of love, since they were neglected as childern.
I’m really sorry you’re going through this. Unfortunately, if someone isn’t willing to acknowledge their issues and do the work to improve their coping skills and relationships, there isn’t much you can do. You absolutely don’t deserve to be devalued in your relationship and one of my favorite tiktok creators (who has bpd) made an excellent point by saying, “in no part, place or community in the world is it ok to devalue your partner”. It’s awesome that you’re seeking out resources on bpd but I hope your partner’s able to meet you there and recognize this pattern ❤️
@@PCLHHthat is understandable and I have a lot of empathy for my exwbpd but at some point I, like many others, simply ran out of energy to prove over and over again that I care while the bar kept getting higher and higher. I was very patient with them and tried to get them out of their lows as best as I could but at some point I sat there for sometimes 8+ hours trying to help while being pushed away repeatedly. It's like being tested over and over again for the same thing that has little to do with me. At some point it felt like another full time job just to prove to this person that I care. It's a big burden to expect that from someone else. It's more often than not not as easy as just "showing them you miss them" because if you say so they will not believe you and demand you to prove it in more and more draining and oddly specific ways (without ever expressing what they actually want). In my experience anything less than 100 percent availability, energy and mind reading won't cut it and even then you have to do this enormous effort over and over again which isn't healthy. It's not fair to play these mind games of pulling away so "I can see how much you REALLY care and it's your job to prove it to me!!" It really messes with the other person.
This all happened with my partner, the problem is after the first 2 break ups i started clinging to her in fear of her breaking up with me again and that pushed her even further away.
I'm just hoping we can get back together again i want to be there for her, be supportive and understanding, she has already been divorced twice, i just want to be the man who will be understanding and give her some sort of happiness for the rest of her life.
These videos sometimes make me think how much my emotions were invalidated as a child because I was "too sensitive" and idk if they could have caused the trauma but now I'm invalidating my own feelings too, like even now I'm thinking "they were such simple stuff though, there's no way those could have altered the structure of my brain right" and now, I honestly don't know how to feel
im trying to learn better so i can empathize with BPD but it is extremely scary and painful getting in any type of relationship with them. just getting a glimpse of it in the past has affected me deeply.
Your videos are great. My girlfriend has bpd. Our relationship in general is amazing she recognizes she has bpd and has set herself great boundaries that keep our relationship strong. Now on new years eve she was a victim of a violent assault attempted murder by strangulation from what was supposed to be a longtime family friend of hers. Do you have any suggestions for me to best help her thru this without overwhelming her? Physically she is mostly ok but she is very shook up and almost doesn't even want me to touch her.
I would recommend she go speak to a mental health professional to help her cope with that traumatic event!
Thank you for being such an amazing partner to your girlfriend. I am praying for both your recovery. Please keep us updated about her progress 😊
So sorry for this trauma she's experiencing and you're also going through it.
She needs therapy for her traumatic ordeal, she may have ptsd.
I love your hair color change (or it could be the lighting?). Either way, looks great and this video was very helpful and timely for my life currently. Thank you.
Yes I did change it and thanks so much! 😊
12 to 18 months. Wow! That seems so long for honeymoon phase.
Omo my ex kept doing this to me and I almost lost it in the process
How to stop it. I can’t stop it. He broke up now I want him back but when he comes back I will leave to reverse te break up and the pain
I guess I am on the outside looking in. I find this quite strange. Distancing yourself because you are afraid of someone abandoning you. When you do distance yourself, your spouse or someone you are dating choose to leave you alone. When they leave you alone, that makes you want to come back. It is pretty wild. I don't know, I think something should click in their mind. something like, maybe I should show them properly love despite what I fear. I think that will yield better results.
When my pwbpd stops communicating with me for days I think they’re lying to me and possibly have another relationship right under my nose. Anyone with bpd should be aware how they disrespect the loving person who keeps being patient and nice even though we feel abused
Someone close to me exhibits this kind of behavior. There have been multiple times where its felt like we were breaking through to more closeness/intimacy then she got scared and pushed me away.
Is there hope, that with enough time and patience and emotional safety these patterns will soften? Can someone with (suspected) BPD learn to trust?
My ex boyfriend was diagnosed with ADHD and said also has OCD tendencies. He early on started to show insecurities, that I would be tired of him and leave, when I was smitten. And soon it turned into focusing on flaws, from body details to mannerisms to any thing I said. I thought that was relationship OCD. He felt torn and tormented to "have to" break up, because he loved "so many things about me". But he did. I wondered if that could have been BPD all along, although I didn't feel idealised. Because he also has the impulsivity, lot of shame and negative self concept (and I didn't like his narcissistic family)... So could it be "just" ADHD.. A year later, he's contacted me and seems to want me bacK.
Any thoughts from people who know BPD?
People get better❤
It’s next to impossible to fit in that perfect model. I guess I came the closest with my ex as our honeymoon period lasted 3 years but my needs to have my own place to live essentially ruined everything in her mind even though I spent 5 days a week with her. Still not enough. We still love each other but she’s out there finding that person who will live with her - even though I checked off ALL the other boxes. I’m 7 minutes from her house & gave her unconditional love - despite all the crap she’s put me through. Heartbreaking 💔
This true with me but I am a paraplegic and get ill often. So, I thought it was more my illness. BPD runs in my family, but most are not the quiet BPD. 😂 I was hopeful I was not BPD. 😂
I suggest you ( ON THE LINE ) also advice thsoe with BPD to also get treatment for these BPD patterns of behaviors,.. instead of only advice them to take ownership in those patterns and then you want them to say,.."this is me and who I am through a so called embracing those patterns as some kind of an IDENTITY .... instead of getting therapy and treament for those patterns, because that is to take FULL RESPONISIBILLITY for having BPD... ..
..because its very confusing for fellow human beings to related to those with BPD especially in that PUSH PULL scenario and especially when its relates to those who are in the cathegory being a QUIET BPD, in combination with GHOSTING and also when they do MONKEY BRANCHING in the GHOSTING PERIOD and then yet again starts the PUSH & PULL and its all ending up being a complete MESS of complete confusion ... and as mention it is extra confusing trying to relate to those who being a QUIET BPD, in combination with GHOSTING and also when they do MONKEY BRANCHING in the GHOSTING PERIOD and also when being in relation to someone and then yet again starts the PUSH & PULL... in an on and off patterns both during GHOSTING PERIOD / AND WHEN BEING TOGETHER...
....& I do not write this from a victim mentality perspective ...cause I myself oneself do take fully responsibillity for what and whom I do relates to and involve myself oneself into and ido take responsilbillity to stop relate and or invole with something or someone or a sutuation that is NOT good for me,... BUT still..its very confusing to relate to someone with BPD and especiially those who do have the QUIET BPD patterns and i did also find a lot of info that helped me understand aka innerstand from within myself oneself when I did came across this woman www.youtube.com/@bpdbreakupcodependencyrecovery that also do talk and explain a lot about this BPD topic and she do it very deeply from may years of experiences and many years of helping and treathing people.
DO FURTHER NOTICE with that said I also willl say that I am in gratitude for my experiences I have had with someone with BPD ( quiet one ) cause through this relation I got to discover and became FULLY aware of my own CO-DEPENENCY patterns that did came from my own childhood, ( they became established in my very early childhood ) and II have taken my FULL responsibillity for those patterns and then I have transformed, healed and released those patterns 😉
I am attracted to my therapist,, what to do? Plz tell me....
Go see another one
I know a few bpd people and narcissist and I don’t understand why they feel the need to be attached to someone I don’t want anything with someone that is constantly changing and wants to emotionally hurt me what a bpd person needs to do is go get therapy and dont date until they are healed no one should have to suffer for another suffering that they didn’t cause I try to keep I tried showing love and the person act like an idiot so why should i remain where someone is so sick they can’t accept normal relationship I just want these people to leave me alone and go get help but they keep coming towards me to interact I think all cluster bs should not be in relationship because they are very selfish and evil don’t have a good word to say if I wasn’t strong and clued up I would have not recovered from the abuse I been through with these people so to all of you bpd or narcissist sociopaths etc go and get help it’s not other people’s fault you’ve been hurt and abused in childhood go get therapy and stop projecting on everyone that’s not like you
Omg i need some serious help. I know its me .
its such a damaging trait
My about to be ex wife is this but denies it. Thus…ex
EUPD not BPD
Having been through this type of relationship the hardest part is actually not knowing wth is going on. How do you deal with something when you don't know what you are dealing with? You love this person and you too are suffering but you just don't know what to do and end up feeling that you yourself are the problem.