I think School of Life should win a Nobel Prize. The content is soooo universally relatable; and I am always touched that these videos are overarchingly optimistic about each human's capacity to face their shit. In a world where our screens are constantly filled with garbage, this content is actually compassionate, thought-provoking, and useful.
@@440hastenot really, but in anyway it's just a hint for what you have to feel/do yourself. Knowledge tempts you to take it as experience, but that's not what it is... Find your own traces, i'm sure, so more you identify, so more you'll find - good luck!
1) Grow Ambition of who want to become In future 2) Identify Defence mechanism 3) What was the purpose of any type of defence mechanism 4) why the specific defence mechanism needed and how it started 5) Feel proud that u had that defence mechanism 6) Now Assure to oneself that defence mechanism is expired 7) Figure out why it is becoming a hindrance in yourself and just get rid of it 8) now just waive it off and sail ur own ship
My psychological barrier is feeling worthless because my parents abandoned me. At 43 I struggle with it everyday. I frequently feel alone, Isolated, unwanted and that I have nothing to offer anyone. -Best wishes to all who suffer I pray for you ❤
This video is a very gentle lead into childhood trauma or cptsd as it is known. Patrick Teahan has a great YT channel dedicated to cptsd. Abandonment is one of my biggies. 🤍🙏
This is so sad to hear. The pain of this kind of abandonment runs incredibly deep, it is just indescribable. But it wasn't your fault. Perhaps there was something in your parents' pasts which meant they just couldn't manage to care for a child. Maybe they couldn't bear to be reminded of their own childlike dependence so couldn't nurture it in others.
Your worth is inherent and never changes from the moment you're born to the moment you die, no matter what. It's only your perception of it that can change, but just because we can't see the sun when it's dark, doesn't mean it's not there❤
I advocate often for more people to be child free or at the very least logically think through their capabilities of raising a child than do it out of societal expectations because of experiences like yours and mine. I’m 23 and I’m so fluent in loneliness, it’s like a shadow that’s been with me forever, it’s embarrassing because my family does not offer much or any emotional closeness, it left me seeking out closeness in outside companionships till I have to be alone because they are with their family and once again I’m reminded how I might never have a huge chunk of what makes a human life more bearable and less lonely. Adults get to have the choice of having kids but kids they just have to accept wherever they end up and the consequences of that will be a weight for them to carry forever.
It's really hard because after years in therapy and identifying many of my defence mechanisms - they are quite stubborn and let's just say 'putting them on a boat and waving goodbye hasn't got rid of them'. Still trying though!
At lot of these defence mechanisms as causes apply to me. 1: mom was never there 2: dad was erratic 3:bullying siblings I hope I learn to love people and trust them again.
I struggle with very low self esteem, so when I saw "sadness, depression" as a result of never having to feel hopeful because you're so afraid of being disappointed; I just felt like this was connected. It hits really hard.
This isn't saying much and has unhelpful connotations for me at least - "accountable"? You're not "accountable" for anything, you had to survive and you did. "Take responsibility" for what exactly and.. respond "wisely"?? What does that word even mean??? It's too bloated, too airy, much too uncertain
@@Nerf_Jeez I heard just today that 'taking responsibility' for what is happening to us in simple terms is 'giving response'. This formulation took off this burden for me to understand why I am responsible. Because it sounds scary and I resist. Yet the world always offers us situations that I have to react to, even I was just walking by. Even not reacting is my response I'm giving. Very interesting to be unpacking all of this.
'Independence and self containment' really hits for me and I don't have many friends because I've learnt not to rely on them. Thankfully, having a family with 4 kids has saved me. They're always there, kind of because they have to be... but also because they rely on me and I'm grateful for them saving me from loneliness.
I am not trying to be mean, I would like to know , please, did you create the path for your kids to rely on you ...like an unconscious plan in order not to feel alone, not the be abandoned? Please accept my sincere appreciation and apologies !❤
@@fabianmitrache5799 I think kids naturally rely on their parents up to a certain age. If my defence mechanism were truly toxic, I would try to force them to never leave. Thankfully, that's not me.
“Not having children derives not from dislike, but from love too great to bring them into this world, too limited, too vain, too cruel.” ― Michel Onfray
Now is exactly the right time to have children. Less poverty, tech development, knowledge growth, humanity is on the cusp of something. Having children now and giving them the benefits of humanities development is most important. Unless of course your psychological barriers are so great you find it difficult to see past tomorrow, which is understandable but quite Nihilistic.
@@fatherburning358 You go ask modern youth about what they feel about all the "benefits" current system gives them, like the prospect of being in debpt for life, having trouble finding jobs, and all other wonderful things of late stage capitalism.
I was literally journaling and pontificating on this very issue, trying to identify my normalised dysfunctional psychological issues then this notification popped up ❤
The way this video was structured made me feel present in the moment. Never for a second did I check how much time had passed and how much time was left for the video to end. Something about the visuals, the voice and the overall content of the it, generated a feeling that had been absent for a long time. A sense of having understood and being understood at the same time. Thankyou
I don't know if this needs to be always in the childhood, but in my late teenage years my first boyfriend passed away in an accident, and this made me develop a very depressed and sadness view of life for a long 10 years, especially in the first years. I still struggle to this day to feel more hopeful for the future and my relationships. I really fear loss them abruptally in the same way. This tragedy made me a more loveable and caring person with the people that i love, but deep in me lies a constant melancholy and sadness that one day i will lose everyone i love.
To be honest, we all inevitably will lose those we love, sooner or later. The difference is how do you cope with this fact of life. Can you accept it, and still find meaning?
I love the pauses so that we could really take a moment to read what you guys were trying to tell us. Thought it was very powerful and useful. I deal with being hyper vigilant (my anxiety is tough), depression, and even addiction. It’s a tough life to live sometimes and I hope that I can get better and do better. Bc if I’m being honest, sometimes I don’t always do my best or all that I can. I appreciate the timing of this video because in this moment in life I feel very aware of my defense mechanism and see how much they take away and have taken away from me and my life. Thank you for the video, very informative and affirming. Now I know I need to do the work to let these mechanisms go and live a better life.
My father was ill from the time I was 5 - seems like I developed huge independence and self containment as a lot of my mother’s time went to helping and caring for him. What’s interesting is I ended up marrying someone who had the same thing as a child. His father had a heart attack when he (son) was 5 and ended up on permanent disability. He was farmed out to friends and relatives while his mother cared for his dad until he had sufficiently recovered. So we’re both very independent and self sufficient. Our go-to statement is ‘just easier to do it myself…’ so we don’t rely on others. The downside is we don’t learn that there is help there for us; the upside that we don’t get disappointed by others.
2:15 this hit really hard. I'm an AP and my ex was a DA, the thought that she was potentially unable to miss me after the breakup boggles my mind. It does make sense tho. She met someone new only a few weeks later and they're now together. I have no idea how some ppl don't have the want or ability for deep connection and that they're also able to move on so fast. But i am learning more and more that the actions of others are a full reflection of them and not of myself. You cannot change others, you are only responsible for yourself and your actions and reactions
Wowwwww, This is a very logical and detail way of explaining how to overcome psychological trauma from personality disorder friends/family. It is easy to just delete those people from our lives, but when those are someone close to us like family or relatives, long term relationship with these people develop mental health problems and confidence issues. This is a very well explained video which I highly recommend to those who are experiencing a close relationship with personality disorder people
Mate you were soo close, you got the analysis of the problem down but you were thin on the practical strategies for overcoming the problems. Saying goodbye is really not an answer to lifelong self abuse like this. FTR I love your site.
My mom has always been encouraging, and affectionate and nurturing and playful with me. Love is the answer to everything, she taught me that and I agree 💯
8:43 "Our defense mechanisms are, in fact, past their sell-by date" Here's the thing: because these defense mechanisms have both good and bad sides, we might still judge the good outweighs the bad, deciding to keep them even during adulthood (just because those mechanisms were made in the past, that doesn't imply they don't make sense now, especially considering their upsides are still valid at any point in time). Self-awareness doesn't necessarily lead to change (personal values still factor in).
However, the more honest and connected to yourself you are the more your unhealthy defense mechanisms will hurt you and the more you will want to change. You might judge it as "worth" now, but if you really understood yourself you would also understand there is a better way for you to work twords. This is not to dismiss anyones experience or judge anyone for not changing. Personally im struggling wanting to quit smoking weed, a habbit i know i developed in adult hood to defend myself. This habbit is very much not past its sell by date, and realistically the reasons i smoke will never go away. But i also know that if i really listen to myself its not smoking that i want or need, and i know its bad for me. In a perfect world where i have a perfect relationship with myself i would stop and i can recognize that but at the same time i know right now im not quitting so my next step is to find out why. The same goes for any behavior you find troubling. If you do something you know hurts you, there is a valid reason why you do. Find out why, and then find out if there is another way. Its my personal belief that there is always a better way because all unhealthy behaviors are patchwork jobs, if you put the effort and time in you can do it properly with healthy habbits/behaviors/defense mechanisms
@@HaloMyDudes You make a good point in that a defense mechanism can possibly mask an underlying issue, but I don't think defense mechanisms are always a suboptimal strategy (but of course, than depends on your own values). The thing about these mechanisms (like the ones at 6:18) is that they are a way of giving us certain kinds of guarantees, which can be our best option if we value those above all else. I'm always wary of just accepting what other people label as "healthy" or "unhealthy" (particularly from a psychological standpoint), since there can be societal biases defining what psychological disorders even are. In the end, there's always gonna be a trade-off of some kind, so while I do take external input into account (when making my decisions), I make sure I'm applying my own values (as opposed to living the kinda life other people expect from me).
@pedrostormrage you assume i was talking about socially enforced version of healthy and unhealthy. I ment no such thing, generally i think most of the time when we have unhealthy mental faculties we know on some level that it isnt quite right no matter how hard we suppress it and thats what im talking about. And if you know its bad for you then by definition its suboptimal
This might be TSOL's best vid to date 😊 really well thought out and organized, and is quite synonymous with the path I've been trying to take lately. This vid honestly made my day and was extremely validating and brilliant 👍
Thank you for the deep dive! It can be quite difficult to let go. The defense mechanisms seem so ingrained in one's personality. Things seem unstable and frightening at first. It takes very kind people around me to continue letting them by.
My psychological barrier is the inability to feel enough or worthy of becoming successful at something, even though I know the thing and I'm good at it.
This reminds me of Mari Kondos guide of what to do when you come across something that doesnt bring joy.. 1. Determine that the thing doesnt bring joy 2. Thank it for its service 3. Think of what you now will have more space and energy for
Same here. And since my husband is a stubborn mess who absolutely REFUSES to take any steps towards improvement, I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to be happy.
I love these videos but I often find that I can’t identify the symptoms because my childhood and my parents were and are very nourishing and supportive. Even though they are not perfect, I can relate to having psychological barriers yet I can’t relate to having a destructive caregiver or the more extreme examples in these videos. I’d love to know if others experience this.
It could be very subtle. For example, perhaps your parents make you feel you like never want to disappoint them (they never got mad; they just got quiet). Or when you were sad and you wanted to discuss what happened to you at school, they didn't want to hear it and made you feel like you also needed to always appear positive and cheery no matter what.
Despite the 10 minute duration of this video, it has felt shorter than others and very entertaining and interesting in an educational way. Thanks you for explaining and guiding people who struggle with defense mechanisms on how they can overcome it. Thank you for the very good effort you placed in this video and have a nice day! ❤
Well i wouldnt phrase it as "getting rid of".. and me personally i dont lists neither. Your body gravitates to heal and it might be chaotic and even superficial the truth of it, even if its painful.
I have forgotten how much I miss this channel. I have tried to limit my interaction with world but deleted my joys of watching other successful people in the field of my future profession. If I am not surrounded by others who made it then what am I left with? Nothing but the memories of a very horrible past life and that life is killing me. My war is on the home front now and although I feel the war is right outside my front door. I am on a compound with 3 lock and the situation and war is being handled by the police or government. If that is truely the case then why will my mind not let go and surrender control? Its bc i have seen when leaders become complacent and drop their guard and caused the death of their soldiers or themselves. I have been through what they are currently going through. I pity them, their families, childeren war victims not on the side of any other but through the eyes of a person on the ground fighting kicking in door and seek and destroy missions. I see the rotting soldiers and civilians and every door you close in the effort to avoid reminding myself that the danger is in a far off land, I turn on the tv or youtube and there are the dead in the streets, the uniforms on the road, the blown up trucks and cars. You don't have to seek them out, they are sent my way buy another proxy. My family says i concentrate on the wrong things and i see she is correct. I will reopen my favorite youtube people and motivators who are where I want to be and fill my life with them. Thank you for the videos I have missed hearing the advice. My symptoms are stable when I have something to focus on while helping others. Everyday is a battle of wit against this disease. America is a child in this world It has only been around for a short amount of time. I exited the military in 2012 and as a full grown man approaching middle age, I should know how to do but I dont understand it. War, death, killing the enemy and protecting the American citizen is my understanding. not money, taxes, conversation about things that the average person talks about. I am a 14 year old boy in the world with no real experience dealing with certain situation and choices. The people who I look up to work in a field I have not conquered yet but I will get there. I hate that I have the mind of a child out here as a civilian and approach every situation thinking this person might harm me better keep my distance. Every time have to reset, its depressing bc I am back at the beginning but i wont quit. At some point my plan will hold and I wont give up on me or my ambition to save others I HATE THE RESET BUTTON it conveys failure. If I am not meant to save others and help others then why in world was I spared 3 deployments. I could have taken my younger friends place in death. (i miss you guys everyday) I am here until the mission is complete. RIP guys save my spot.
Thank you so much for this video. You dont know how much this validates my own journey of self forgiveness, and self love. I love the fact that logic about our defense mechanisms is the only way to overcome and understand ourselves. It is very empowering to hear that. When we understand, we can be free and happy. A literal example of Knowledge is Power
“The problem with our defense mechanisms is that they always exact a price. While they protected us very well at a certain age the more time passes the more they become unsuited to the conditions that we face in the here and now. What were once ingenious adaptations to a hostile environment become over the years the causes of behaviors that limit our chances and ruin things for us.”
I’ve been in therapy for a couple years now, and i definitely feel I’ve gone through these 7 steps in one way or another, and I’m now at this point where I have all the knowledge I need, I just need to let my emotions and body make the change. It feels like a daily struggle of sliding back into these old defense mechanisms, almost so much so that I’ve developed a new one; I’m over protective of my own well being, so much so that I don’t let true intimacy form out of fear of being retraumatized.
I’ve been here a long time following SoL and they still manage to amaze me with how consistent they are in delivering deep quality content. There’s sheer beauty in what you’re doing here on YT, School of Life. ❤
So first one needs self-awareness… But most of these defense or coping mechanisms are there precisely to circumvent awareness of one’s true emotions which are either too painful or shameful. How does one dismantle these mechanisms if they are invested in not being aware of their presence?
You first have to realize there is a problem. Many addicts describe "hitting bottom." That can look like all manner of increasingly intolerable and chronic situations and their related behaviors and consequences. Loneliness, divorce, legal or money troubles, and on and on. When you either get tired of the pattern and/or suffer greatly because of it, that is what causes the search for answers.
These videos have been so helpful to me in my life and understanding how to move forward and heal. Understanding myself and those around me. Great work! Thank you so much for all the time and effort you put into these they are helping so many people around the world. Love from Morocco!
If only it was as simple as just deciding to let go of defense mechanisms... as if that's all it would entail, rather than a complete overhaul of our personality that has grown around them.
Thank you for this longer format and delving deeper into this topic. This video helped me see how my trauma and defense mechanism are affecting my relationships.
Having been exposed to all sorts of abuses as a child i now find myself stuck in an abusive mariage that i could easily walk away from but can't due to all sorts of nonsense fears
or too much emotional reactivity or outpouring from the parents, in return i learned to contain myself and feel less or else id get so much hurt and noise
Ok, I need opinions or advice on this- how are people not terrified of depending on someone? What if they let you down? Abandon you or misunderstand you? What happens then? What am I to do? I hope someone is kind enough to give me some perspective on this, help me end my misery maybe?
I wish you would do a whole video like this just for the depression defense mechanism. I feel like, for me personally, my depression came from dealing with problems that are not fixable or are not reversible (such as physical illness + abuse that happened in the past and thus cannot be changed). I paused the video and wrote this down and, surprinsingly, once I resumed it the suggested example for a possible wound for depression given by the video was "A parent fell ill and died". Again, death, a problem that is permanent, not mutable, that there is nothing to be done about it, which perfect aligns with the way I have described my own problems that led to depression. The symptoms of apathy come from a total lack of hope, and the pointlessness of whatever it is. It sounds simple but it can very complex and tricky to deal with at times.
I still dont understand why im still anxious and unmotivated even though i dont dwell on the past and the trama that happened to me had been addressed already 152863 times before and i still feel terrible all the time and unmotivated and anxious for no reason at all alot. Im extremely extremely self aware of myself i know why my defense exist and how they existed and what they are and why isnt not a good thing to rely on anymore. But i still feel terrible all the time and anxious. I have no idea what is wrong with me its like in physically sick. I cant control my sickness
damn I see many people commenting this under some videos but HOLY SHIT THIS JUST CAME AT THE RICHT TIME I have an examen to succeed at in a few days and if I fail I am going to get kicked out of university. I have struggled to get myself to learning for such a long time now and it is getting critical, this video and its application might have saved a lot for me! Thank you so much! I'm going to share this!
Mindblowing, I've been doing a depression's treatment and when I saw on your spreadsheet one of the causes of a depression mood It's the death of a parent you was like you were talking with me because my mom and brother died 5 years ago. Also, you guys been improving my street english. I stop the video all the time to search the meaning of some words 😂😂
.....or someone told (me) that I would not graduate to the second grade. The reasons were something to do with my maturity, and of all things, my penmanship!. No problem. Suck it up and catch up, right? Seven decades later and I am finally nearly free of all of the negative self images my young mind adopted in that brief traumatic moment. There was no malice on anyone's part; yet I suffered mightily nonetheless. I am now dedicated to having the best life I can in the time left to me.
This is a massively helpful blueprint for navigating how we break self-inhibiting habits! Thank you so much for this. On an unrelated note, have The School of Life considered collaborating with Psych2Go? While both channels discuss similar topics, this channel goes into greater detail about said topics and I’d love to see what both could make together if that’s of interest. Food for thought.
@@cognitivadissonantia I feel more like it's the opposite, with every fail and trauma experienced time passes, you are still unable to create bonds, you lose any hope and it just gets worse with self confidence.
@@Dodo.isp22it is not enough to change yourself, but also your surroundings and social circles, in which you were traumatised and re-traumatised in the first place.
I love this. This is such a beautiful and succinct video that essentially breaks down what a lot of therapy is. If internalized correctly it could very well change your life for the better. Thanks for the amazing video at School of Life.
This such a great video! I always wanted to have a chart and clear course of action rooted in logic and in exactly how. I was trying to let go without understanding first. Thanks school of life!
Great insights on the importance of recognizing and overcoming defense mechanisms! Understanding and letting go of these outdated strategies is crucial for personal growth and a healthier, more fulfilling life. 🌱
😮woah! This is Gold. - the visual chart was extremely helpful, beneficial. Been wondering what my deal has been with “underperforming at work,” you spelled it all out clear as day, and my mind is blown. - Not having to risk jealously and envy, I hate that feeling, back when I was a kid, I was really good at basketball and it made all the people on the team seem really mad at me, because they weren’t getting attention. It made me feel horrible & I’m certain I’ve been carrying that around for decades, now. Acting like I don’t care if I’m bad at something, or quitting something if it looks like people are starting to think I’m doing well at it. It makes me want to puke now, seeing how this has been playing out in my life for these years. Now, I’ve learned how to take control of it and I’m paralyzed with anxiety🥴. I can’t make excuses for myself anymore… let’s see how this goes.🤔
I wish you'd added a column at the end with "by letting go of this defense mechanism, I can allow ___" and "a way i can feel safe moving into this new way of being is ___"
Thank you so much for creating this content 😊, it is kind, accessible, organized, and enjoyable. I was just happen to think about the similar thing my therapist told me and was kind of struggle to understand it, but this video really helped!!❤
Thanks, but I still need my psychological barriers. I like being alone, but unfortunately there are lot of people on this world, and I can't avoid them. That's why I prefer to be numb when dealing with them.
As always thanks again the school of life. A well constructed and explained view of how many of us function through life due to early life experiences that were beyond our control. Saddening though that we've had to adapt in such a way and found ourselves pushing away some significant people in our lives due to our own defence mechanisms, thanks again Alain, much appreciated.
The ability to notice your expressions, however unconscious or vague, give you a mear glimpse as to what is under the table. You see a portion of what your unconscious expresses and learning to sail your own boat involves you following the thread of those bad or unmanageable desires. Learn to nurture what you express by noticing it, from what i have learned controlling your expression is you becoming set which limits your development or growth. Hopefully that makes sense or helps. The more you notice the cycles of your expression, or the way you emotionally respond to various scenarios or interactions, the easier, less frequent and more organized those expressions become. A reaching idea for you to see it, its like your speaking but from the inside and mostly without words and you can notice the effect it has on your thoughts and desires. I really do hope to help 🙏
I think School of Life should win a Nobel Prize. The content is soooo universally relatable; and I am always touched that these videos are overarchingly optimistic about each human's capacity to face their shit. In a world where our screens are constantly filled with garbage, this content is actually compassionate, thought-provoking, and useful.
Exactly ❤ I'm so glad SoL is on here.
Great comment
I actually agree
Yes.
Agreed!
Being nearly 66 now and working on this topic for quite a while i feel younger every day- its never too late 😊
That's beautiful.
Do you know of where I can find more examples of like what is written on the board?
@@440haste in therapy you can find your own board ❤
KEEP WORKING
@@440hastenot really, but in anyway it's just a hint for what you have to feel/do yourself.
Knowledge tempts you to take it as experience, but that's not what it is... Find your own traces, i'm sure, so more you identify, so more you'll find - good luck!
1) Grow Ambition of who want to become In future
2) Identify Defence mechanism
3) What was the purpose of any type of defence mechanism
4) why the specific defence mechanism needed and how it started
5) Feel proud that u had that defence mechanism
6) Now Assure to oneself that defence mechanism is expired
7) Figure out why it is becoming a hindrance in yourself and just get rid of it
8) now just waive it off and sail ur own ship
Thank.u mate
Do you know of where I can find more examples of like what is written on the board?
❤🎉
Would collapsing the bigtech giants be a barrier lmao
This vid is so slow and bleh
My psychological barrier is feeling worthless because my parents abandoned me.
At 43 I struggle with it everyday.
I frequently feel alone, Isolated, unwanted and that I have nothing to offer anyone.
-Best wishes to all who suffer I pray for you ❤
Thank you for sharing. That was worth something for me. And it came from you. Maybe that helps a bit. Cheers! Chris :)
This video is a very gentle lead into childhood trauma or cptsd as it is known. Patrick Teahan has a great YT channel dedicated to cptsd. Abandonment is one of my biggies. 🤍🙏
This is so sad to hear. The pain of this kind of abandonment runs incredibly deep, it is just indescribable.
But it wasn't your fault. Perhaps there was something in your parents' pasts which meant they just couldn't manage to care for a child. Maybe they couldn't bear to be reminded of their own childlike dependence so couldn't nurture it in others.
Your worth is inherent and never changes from the moment you're born to the moment you die, no matter what. It's only your perception of it that can change, but just because we can't see the sun when it's dark, doesn't mean it's not there❤
I advocate often for more people to be child free or at the very least logically think through their capabilities of raising a child than do it out of societal expectations because of experiences like yours and mine.
I’m 23 and I’m so fluent in loneliness, it’s like a shadow that’s been with me forever, it’s embarrassing because my family does not offer much or any emotional closeness, it left me seeking out closeness in outside companionships till I have to be alone because they are with their family and once again I’m reminded how I might never have a huge chunk of what makes a human life more bearable and less lonely.
Adults get to have the choice of having kids but kids they just have to accept wherever they end up and the consequences of that will be a weight for them to carry forever.
I appreciated the pause on the table of wounds and defense mechanisms.
I second.
Give you time to read and a moment to reflect
I didn't expect this and paused myself lol
I’ve been listening to the School of Life for over 10 years and never get tired of hearing Alain’s voice 😊
Awwww
❤❤❤
That's some dedication! And lol just some time and love
Same; his voice is wonderful. :)
He sounds like John Oliver‘s therapist.
This 🙏
Same
It's really hard because after years in therapy and identifying many of my defence mechanisms - they are quite stubborn and let's just say 'putting them on a boat and waving goodbye hasn't got rid of them'. Still trying though!
Love the silence in the video.
Yeah, took me a second to realize he was allowing time to read the grid. Perfect!
At lot of these defence mechanisms as causes apply to me.
1: mom was never there
2: dad was erratic
3:bullying siblings
I hope I learn to love people and trust them again.
Perhaps you used to trust people before your family taught you not to.
I struggle with very low self esteem, so when I saw "sadness, depression" as a result of never having to feel hopeful because you're so afraid of being disappointed; I just felt like this was connected. It hits really hard.
Always a work in progress. I don’t want my past defining who I am.
Take responsibility for yourself and respond wisely~
Hold yourself accountable without beating yourself up~
Balance ~ Stability ~ Agility
Awww
❤
This isn't saying much and has unhelpful connotations for me at least - "accountable"? You're not "accountable" for anything, you had to survive and you did. "Take responsibility" for what exactly and.. respond "wisely"?? What does that word even mean??? It's too bloated, too airy, much too uncertain
@@Nerf_Jeez do you know the word 'discernment'?
This comment is written for more advanced trailblazers, you'll get there.
@@Nerf_Jeez I heard just today that 'taking responsibility' for what is happening to us in simple terms is 'giving response'. This formulation took off this burden for me to understand why I am responsible. Because it sounds scary and I resist. Yet the world always offers us situations that I have to react to, even I was just walking by. Even not reacting is my response I'm giving. Very interesting to be unpacking all of this.
Its ok to admit and feel these pains. Be kind to yourself, u were just a child. Dont hate the defenses. Release the pain and grow. You got this
Everyone needs to watch this
Yes
Truely.
For real
Sure
I just had this conversation with my therapist. Extremely helpful to hear it explained differently while having a visual reference. Thank you.
My psychological barrier is the desire to be the first to comment for external validation.
Here’s your validation bro
You should probably dump that and go get some actual validating goals.
Mines wanting to have my comment “pinned”
You have been noticed, now don't do that again xoxo
Lmaooo
Noiceee comment
Lol
'Independence and self containment' really hits for me and I don't have many friends because I've learnt not to rely on them.
Thankfully, having a family with 4 kids has saved me. They're always there, kind of because they have to be... but also because they rely on me and I'm grateful for them saving me from loneliness.
to be fair, you dont really need many friends. you just need at least 1 for them to be there when you need them and vice versa.
I am not trying to be mean, I would like to know , please, did you create the path for your kids to rely on you ...like an unconscious plan in order not to feel alone, not the be abandoned? Please accept my sincere appreciation and apologies !❤
@@fabianmitrache5799 I think kids naturally rely on their parents up to a certain age.
If my defence mechanism were truly toxic, I would try to force them to never leave.
Thankfully, that's not me.
“Not having children derives not from dislike, but from love too great to bring them into this world, too limited, too vain, too cruel.”
― Michel Onfray
"that's a load of old bollocks" - richard
@@December151791 wow
At this point world in its sorry state is not a good place for children.
Now is exactly the right time to have children. Less poverty, tech development, knowledge growth, humanity is on the cusp of something. Having children now and giving them the benefits of humanities development is most important. Unless of course your psychological barriers are so great you find it difficult to see past tomorrow, which is understandable but quite Nihilistic.
@@fatherburning358 You go ask modern youth about what they feel about all the "benefits" current system gives them, like the prospect of being in debpt for life, having trouble finding jobs, and all other wonderful things of late stage capitalism.
I was literally journaling and pontificating on this very issue, trying to identify my normalised dysfunctional psychological issues then this notification popped up ❤
The way this video was structured made me feel present in the moment. Never for a second did I check how much time had passed and how much time was left for the video to end. Something about the visuals, the voice and the overall content of the it, generated a feeling that had been absent for a long time. A sense of having understood and being understood at the same time. Thankyou
I don't know if this needs to be always in the childhood, but in my late teenage years my first boyfriend passed away in an accident, and this made me develop a very depressed and sadness view of life for a long 10 years, especially in the first years.
I still struggle to this day to feel more hopeful for the future and my relationships. I really fear loss them abruptally in the same way.
This tragedy made me a more loveable and caring person with the people that i love, but deep in me lies a constant melancholy and sadness that one day i will lose everyone i love.
To be honest, we all inevitably will lose those we love, sooner or later. The difference is how do you cope with this fact of life. Can you accept it, and still find meaning?
@@alexxx4434 10 years trying find a meaning to fit it
I love the pauses so that we could really take a moment to read what you guys were trying to tell us. Thought it was very powerful and useful.
I deal with being hyper vigilant (my anxiety is tough), depression, and even addiction.
It’s a tough life to live sometimes and I hope that I can get better and do better. Bc if I’m being honest, sometimes I don’t always do my best or all that I can.
I appreciate the timing of this video because in this moment in life I feel very aware of my defense mechanism and see how much they take away and have taken away from me and my life. Thank you for the video, very informative and affirming. Now I know I need to do the work to let these mechanisms go and live a better life.
My father was ill from the time I was 5 - seems like I developed huge independence and self containment as a lot of my mother’s time went to helping and caring for him. What’s interesting is I ended up marrying someone who had the same thing as a child. His father had a heart attack when he (son) was 5 and ended up on permanent disability. He was farmed out to friends and relatives while his mother cared for his dad until he had sufficiently recovered. So we’re both very independent and self sufficient. Our go-to statement is ‘just easier to do it myself…’ so we don’t rely on others. The downside is we don’t learn that there is help there for us; the upside that we don’t get disappointed by others.
2:15 this hit really hard. I'm an AP and my ex was a DA, the thought that she was potentially unable to miss me after the breakup boggles my mind. It does make sense tho. She met someone new only a few weeks later and they're now together. I have no idea how some ppl don't have the want or ability for deep connection and that they're also able to move on so fast. But i am learning more and more that the actions of others are a full reflection of them and not of myself. You cannot change others, you are only responsible for yourself and your actions and reactions
Wowwwww,
This is a very logical and detail way of explaining how to overcome psychological trauma from personality disorder friends/family. It is easy to just delete those people from our lives, but when those are someone close to us like family or relatives, long term relationship with these people develop mental health problems and confidence issues. This is a very well explained video which I highly recommend to those who are experiencing a close relationship with personality disorder people
Mate you were soo close, you got the analysis of the problem down but you were thin on the practical strategies for overcoming the problems. Saying goodbye is really not an answer to lifelong self abuse like this. FTR I love your site.
1:26 THANK YOU for leaving that on the screen to the point where u didn’t have to pause to read.
My mom has always been encouraging, and affectionate and nurturing and playful with me. Love is the answer to everything, she taught me that and I agree 💯
She's a teacher so I definitely understand the nurturing she raised me with
And any man she broke up with, to spend more time with me only solidified her love for me. More and more
And any time she would stand up for me when she didn't need to correct me for something I didn't do wrong made me feel valued by her the most
8:43 "Our defense mechanisms are, in fact, past their sell-by date" Here's the thing: because these defense mechanisms have both good and bad sides, we might still judge the good outweighs the bad, deciding to keep them even during adulthood (just because those mechanisms were made in the past, that doesn't imply they don't make sense now, especially considering their upsides are still valid at any point in time). Self-awareness doesn't necessarily lead to change (personal values still factor in).
However, the more honest and connected to yourself you are the more your unhealthy defense mechanisms will hurt you and the more you will want to change. You might judge it as "worth" now, but if you really understood yourself you would also understand there is a better way for you to work twords.
This is not to dismiss anyones experience or judge anyone for not changing. Personally im struggling wanting to quit smoking weed, a habbit i know i developed in adult hood to defend myself. This habbit is very much not past its sell by date, and realistically the reasons i smoke will never go away. But i also know that if i really listen to myself its not smoking that i want or need, and i know its bad for me. In a perfect world where i have a perfect relationship with myself i would stop and i can recognize that but at the same time i know right now im not quitting so my next step is to find out why. The same goes for any behavior you find troubling. If you do something you know hurts you, there is a valid reason why you do. Find out why, and then find out if there is another way. Its my personal belief that there is always a better way because all unhealthy behaviors are patchwork jobs, if you put the effort and time in you can do it properly with healthy habbits/behaviors/defense mechanisms
@@HaloMyDudes You make a good point in that a defense mechanism can possibly mask an underlying issue, but I don't think defense mechanisms are always a suboptimal strategy (but of course, than depends on your own values). The thing about these mechanisms (like the ones at 6:18) is that they are a way of giving us certain kinds of guarantees, which can be our best option if we value those above all else. I'm always wary of just accepting what other people label as "healthy" or "unhealthy" (particularly from a psychological standpoint), since there can be societal biases defining what psychological disorders even are. In the end, there's always gonna be a trade-off of some kind, so while I do take external input into account (when making my decisions), I make sure I'm applying my own values (as opposed to living the kinda life other people expect from me).
@pedrostormrage you assume i was talking about socially enforced version of healthy and unhealthy. I ment no such thing, generally i think most of the time when we have unhealthy mental faculties we know on some level that it isnt quite right no matter how hard we suppress it and thats what im talking about. And if you know its bad for you then by definition its suboptimal
This might be TSOL's best vid to date 😊 really well thought out and organized, and is quite synonymous with the path I've been trying to take lately. This vid honestly made my day and was extremely validating and brilliant 👍
I always feel like I’m missing out on something vital but elusive when I watch these videos
Thank you for the deep dive! It can be quite difficult to let go. The defense mechanisms seem so ingrained in one's personality. Things seem unstable and frightening at first. It takes very kind people around me to continue letting them by.
Perfect timing. Many thanks!
How to do self therapy 101. I really enjoyed this,will help me on my healing journey.
Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. We have to be careful on the wounds we get and how to manage those wounds the right way.
Alain,you have been a real blessing to many of us......really grateful to you and your team....!
I’m wondering how much of this is rooted in the scientific method and empiricism.
My psychological barrier is the inability to feel enough or worthy of becoming successful at something, even though I know the thing and I'm good at it.
Too many failures can lead to this. It's almost pavlovian. The elephant chained to a chair.
This reminds me of Mari Kondos guide of what to do when you come across something that doesnt bring joy..
1. Determine that the thing doesnt bring joy
2. Thank it for its service
3. Think of what you now will have more space and energy for
The baggage from my past has taken over my personality … idk who i am apart from the trauma
Same here. And since my husband is a stubborn mess who absolutely REFUSES to take any steps towards improvement, I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to be happy.
I love that this video is twice longer than the others. Thank you so much for this I learned a lot. ❤
I love these videos but I often find that I can’t identify the symptoms because my childhood and my parents were and are very nourishing and supportive. Even though they are not perfect, I can relate to having psychological barriers yet I can’t relate to having a destructive caregiver or the more extreme examples in these videos. I’d love to know if others experience this.
It could be very subtle. For example, perhaps your parents make you feel you like never want to disappoint them (they never got mad; they just got quiet). Or when you were sad and you wanted to discuss what happened to you at school, they didn't want to hear it and made you feel like you also needed to always appear positive and cheery no matter what.
Despite the 10 minute duration of this video, it has felt shorter than others and very entertaining and interesting in an educational way. Thanks you for explaining and guiding people who struggle with defense mechanisms on how they can overcome it. Thank you for the very good effort you placed in this video and have a nice day! ❤
Well i wouldnt phrase it as "getting rid of".. and me personally i dont lists neither. Your body gravitates to heal and it might be chaotic and even superficial the truth of it, even if its painful.
Ever since my critical thinking prof. Sent us this, the whole class has been attending the school of life ever since.
Thank you!
I have forgotten how much I miss this channel. I have tried to limit my interaction with world but deleted my joys of watching other successful people in the field of my future profession. If I am not surrounded by others who made it then what am I left with? Nothing but the memories of a very horrible past life and that life is killing me. My war is on the home front now and although I feel the war is right outside my front door. I am on a compound with 3 lock and the situation and war is being handled by the police or government. If that is truely the case then why will my mind not let go and surrender control? Its bc i have seen when leaders become complacent and drop their guard and caused the death of their soldiers or themselves. I have been through what they are currently going through. I pity them, their families, childeren war victims not on the side of any other but through the eyes of a person on the ground fighting kicking in door and seek and destroy missions. I see the rotting soldiers and civilians and every door you close in the effort to avoid reminding myself that the danger is in a far off land, I turn on the tv or youtube and there are the dead in the streets, the uniforms on the road, the blown up trucks and cars. You don't have to seek them out, they are sent my way buy another proxy. My family says i concentrate on the wrong things and i see she is correct. I will reopen my favorite youtube people and motivators who are where I want to be and fill my life with them. Thank you for the videos I have missed hearing the advice. My symptoms are stable when I have something to focus on while helping others. Everyday is a battle of wit against this disease. America is a child in this world It has only been around for a short amount of time. I exited the military in 2012 and as a full grown man approaching middle age, I should know how to do but I dont understand it. War, death, killing the enemy and protecting the American citizen is my understanding. not money, taxes, conversation about things that the average person talks about. I am a 14 year old boy in the world with no real experience dealing with certain situation and choices. The people who I look up to work in a field I have not conquered yet but I will get there. I hate that I have the mind of a child out here as a civilian and approach every situation thinking this person might harm me better keep my distance. Every time have to reset, its depressing bc I am back at the beginning but i wont quit. At some point my plan will hold and I wont give up on me or my ambition to save others I HATE THE RESET BUTTON it conveys failure. If I am not meant to save others and help others then why in world was I spared 3 deployments. I could have taken my younger friends place in death. (i miss you guys everyday) I am here until the mission is complete. RIP guys save my spot.
Thank you so much for this video. You dont know how much this validates my own journey of self forgiveness, and self love. I love the fact that logic about our defense mechanisms is the only way to overcome and understand ourselves. It is very empowering to hear that. When we understand, we can be free and happy. A literal example of Knowledge is Power
“The problem with our defense mechanisms is that they always exact a price. While they protected us very well at a certain age the more time passes the more they become unsuited to the conditions that we face in the here and now. What were once ingenious adaptations to a hostile environment become over the years the causes of behaviors that limit our chances and ruin things for us.”
I’ve been in therapy for a couple years now, and i definitely feel I’ve gone through these 7 steps in one way or another, and I’m now at this point where I have all the knowledge I need, I just need to let my emotions and body make the change. It feels like a daily struggle of sliding back into these old defense mechanisms, almost so much so that I’ve developed a new one; I’m over protective of my own well being, so much so that I don’t let true intimacy form out of fear of being retraumatized.
I’ve been here a long time following SoL and they still manage to amaze me with how consistent they are in delivering deep quality content. There’s sheer beauty in what you’re doing here on YT, School of Life. ❤
So first one needs self-awareness… But most of these defense or coping mechanisms are there precisely to circumvent awareness of one’s true emotions which are either too painful or shameful. How does one dismantle these mechanisms if they are invested in not being aware of their presence?
You first have to realize there is a problem. Many addicts describe "hitting bottom." That can look like all manner of increasingly intolerable and chronic situations and their related behaviors and consequences. Loneliness, divorce, legal or money troubles, and on and on. When you either get tired of the pattern and/or suffer greatly because of it, that is what causes the search for answers.
Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant work, @The School of Life!
How can I thank The School of Life and Alain de Botton enough. Thank you.
These videos have been so helpful to me in my life and understanding how to move forward and heal. Understanding myself and those around me. Great work! Thank you so much for all the time and effort you put into these they are helping so many people around the world. Love from Morocco!
If only it was as simple as just deciding to let go of defense mechanisms... as if that's all it would entail, rather than a complete overhaul of our personality that has grown around them.
Thank you for this longer format and delving deeper into this topic. This video helped me see how my trauma and defense mechanism are affecting my relationships.
So much wisdom, and so compassionately delivered ❤
The more I watch this channel, the more I understand myself, and the more I wish I could shrink into a dot and disappear.
This is top tier content and I'm so so so thankful that it's available for free.
Having been exposed to all sorts of abuses as a child i now find myself stuck in an abusive mariage that i could easily walk away from but can't due to all sorts of nonsense fears
or too much emotional reactivity or outpouring from the parents, in return i learned to contain myself and feel less or else id get so much hurt and noise
Ok, I need opinions or advice on this-
how are people not terrified of depending on someone? What if they let you down? Abandon you or misunderstand you? What happens then? What am I to do?
I hope someone is kind enough to give me some perspective on this, help me end my misery maybe?
Being very independent removes and neutralizes narcissists' control over you.
I wish you would do a whole video like this just for the depression defense mechanism. I feel like, for me personally, my depression came from dealing with problems that are not fixable or are not reversible (such as physical illness + abuse that happened in the past and thus cannot be changed). I paused the video and wrote this down and, surprinsingly, once I resumed it the suggested example for a possible wound for depression given by the video was "A parent fell ill and died". Again, death, a problem that is permanent, not mutable, that there is nothing to be done about it, which perfect aligns with the way I have described my own problems that led to depression. The symptoms of apathy come from a total lack of hope, and the pointlessness of whatever it is. It sounds simple but it can very complex and tricky to deal with at times.
I still dont understand why im still anxious and unmotivated even though i dont dwell on the past and the trama that happened to me had been addressed already 152863 times before and i still feel terrible all the time and unmotivated and anxious for no reason at all alot. Im extremely extremely self aware of myself i know why my defense exist and how they existed and what they are and why isnt not a good thing to rely on anymore. But i still feel terrible all the time and anxious. I have no idea what is wrong with me its like in physically sick. I cant control my sickness
One point that may help for that last step is to replace the old expired belief with a new one, rather than just removing the old one
damn I see many people commenting this under some videos but HOLY SHIT THIS JUST CAME AT THE RICHT TIME
I have an examen to succeed at in a few days and if I fail I am going to get kicked out of university. I have struggled to get myself to learning for such a long time now and it is getting critical, this video and its application might have saved a lot for me! Thank you so much! I'm going to share this!
More videos with such practical examples please.... with the writting of columns... thank you
Mindblowing, I've been doing a depression's treatment and when I saw on your spreadsheet one of the causes of a depression mood It's the death of a parent you was like you were talking with me because my mom and brother died 5 years ago. Also, you guys been improving my street english. I stop the video all the time to search the meaning of some words 😂😂
I feel like the defense mechanisms I developed back then are still required in my current environment
Me as well.... Stay strong.
Beautiful video! Soul-based Coaching offers a gently powerful approach to seeing, releasing and replacing our past defense mechanism.
And how exaxtly do you let Go of that meachanism If your mind is Holding onto it Like to a life West on the Titanic?
.....or someone told (me) that I would not graduate to the second grade. The reasons were something to do with my maturity, and of all things, my penmanship!. No problem. Suck it up and catch up, right? Seven decades later and I am finally nearly free of all of the negative self images my young mind adopted in that brief traumatic moment. There was no malice on anyone's part; yet I suffered mightily nonetheless. I am now dedicated to having the best life I can in the time left to me.
Thank you. The content keeps getting better and better every time. 💐
This is a complete masterpiece.
This is a massively helpful blueprint for navigating how we break self-inhibiting habits! Thank you so much for this.
On an unrelated note, have The School of Life considered collaborating with Psych2Go? While both channels discuss similar topics, this channel goes into greater detail about said topics and I’d love to see what both could make together if that’s of interest. Food for thought.
Life plot twist: and then you get re-traumatized in new relationships.
the good thing is we will be stronger and more trusting of ourselves :) and the trauma might not affect us as fatally as before!
@@cognitivadissonantia this 100%
Everyone perceive's things differently...@@cognitivadissonantia
@@cognitivadissonantia I feel more like it's the opposite, with every fail and trauma experienced time passes, you are still unable to create bonds, you lose any hope and it just gets worse with self confidence.
@@Dodo.isp22it is not enough to change yourself, but also your surroundings and social circles, in which you were traumatised and re-traumatised in the first place.
I always try to be the psychological barrier for someone elses progress. Imagine if someone passes me by 😂
wow. this channel is one of my favorites, been watching for years now. thanks to all he people who make this channel what it is. Thank you all.
I love this. This is such a beautiful and succinct video that essentially breaks down what a lot of therapy is. If internalized correctly it could very well change your life for the better. Thanks for the amazing video at School of Life.
You’re spot on with this one. Well done.
You’re doing a great job in healing the world!
This such a great video! I always wanted to have a chart and clear course of action rooted in logic and in exactly how. I was trying to let go without understanding first. Thanks school of life!
8:05 Am looping this :) I love #5 and also the way AdeB says, "Fifthly"❤
Great insights on the importance of recognizing and overcoming defense mechanisms! Understanding and letting go of these outdated strategies is crucial for personal growth and a healthier, more fulfilling life. 🌱
The silence in between is beautiful! 🤩
Thank You! SOL never disappoints and always get me thinking about how to break the chains.
This video is actually very helpful; thanks! :)
Iv been a fan of SoL for years and i must say, this is the best self help video ever xx
I asked and received! Thank you for the illustration. I love this channel and it has and continues to alter the course of my destiny.
This is the exact video I needed to see today. And the chart was super helpful for me! (2 or 3 boxes applied personally) Thank you for making this!
😮woah!
This is Gold. - the visual chart was extremely helpful, beneficial.
Been wondering what my deal has been with “underperforming at work,” you spelled it all out clear as day, and my mind is blown. - Not having to risk jealously and envy, I hate that feeling, back when I was a kid, I was really good at basketball and it made all the people on the team seem really mad at me, because they weren’t getting attention. It made me feel horrible & I’m certain I’ve been carrying that around for decades, now. Acting like I don’t care if I’m bad at something, or quitting something if it looks like people are starting to think I’m doing well at it. It makes me want to puke now, seeing how this has been playing out in my life for these years. Now, I’ve learned how to take control of it and I’m paralyzed with anxiety🥴. I can’t make excuses for myself anymore… let’s see how this goes.🤔
I too appreciate the sweet deliberate pauses. Thanks School of Life
Thanks.
I wish you'd added a column at the end with "by letting go of this defense mechanism, I can allow ___" and "a way i can feel safe moving into this new way of being is ___"
Thank you so much for creating this content 😊, it is kind, accessible, organized, and enjoyable. I was just happen to think about the similar thing my therapist told me and was kind of struggle to understand it, but this video really helped!!❤
Thanks, but I still need my psychological barriers. I like being alone, but unfortunately there are lot of people on this world, and I can't avoid them. That's why I prefer to be numb when dealing with them.
As always thanks again the school of life.
A well constructed and explained view of how many of us function through life due to early life experiences that were beyond our control.
Saddening though that we've had to adapt in such a way and found ourselves pushing away some significant people in our lives due to our own defence mechanisms, thanks again Alain, much appreciated.
The ability to notice your expressions, however unconscious or vague, give you a mear glimpse as to what is under the table.
You see a portion of what your unconscious expresses and learning to sail your own boat involves you following the thread of those bad or unmanageable desires.
Learn to nurture what you express by noticing it, from what i have learned controlling your expression is you becoming set which limits your development or growth.
Hopefully that makes sense or helps.
The more you notice the cycles of your expression,
or the way you emotionally respond to various scenarios or interactions,
the easier, less frequent and more organized those expressions become.
A reaching idea for you to see it, its like your speaking but from the inside and mostly without words and you can notice the effect it has on your thoughts and desires.
I really do hope to help 🙏
Let's find out.
Glad to see videos got slower and longer, as I gave this feedback once! thank you.