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Do you Love/Live with/Work with Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder?
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 15 ธ.ค. 2013
- Do you have a loved one, co-worker, or roommate with Borderline Personality Disorder? This video is a companion piece to "Understanding Borderline Personality Disorder". It offers ideas for living with and loving people with BPD.
I have been married to a borderline for nearly 20 years. I cannot begin to describe what I have been through. My pastor, elders and deacons in my church and friends of mine who are missionaries and theology professors have all warned me that she will destroy me. I am a shell of the man I was 20 years ago and I have lost all sense of self-identity. The rage and vitriol and histrionics and suicide threats and shameless manipulation have gone on unabated for two decades. My wife and her daughters are riddled with anxiety. One daughter is on drugs and has danced in strip clubs since she turned 20. If anyone reading this is considering marrying a borderline I beg of you: run from him or her. In doing so you might very well save your life.
I broke up with someone who has BPD. Sometimes I still feel guilty for it, especially when I stumble into videos that talk about dealing with someone who has BPD.
I start questioning myself whether I am a good person and really loved her.
After all, she said I am not a good person if I could just leave her and that I did not love her.
But then, I remember my own codependency and need of being with someone who is abusive towards me and manipulative. I remember that I only feel that I a being loved if that love is depending on me and it can be taken away in a split of a second.
I need to remember, that is why I left her. Because I want to get better and accept that I deserve love even when I am not perfect.
So much of what we are taught is that enabling is bad... It seems that with BPD the line between boundaries and pushing back vs hearing them and enabling them gets all very messy!!
My brother has bpd ,I’m literally depressed and every time we have a good conversation it ends with a fight ,he always says hurtful things to me that i don’t think I’ll ever forget and when someone interferes he fights with them and hates them for standing against him ...I’m literally in pain .I wish I can live in a calm environment.I sometimes even think of committing suicide......
"Detaching with love" is kind of impossible when you are always on the receiving end of unprovoked bpd rage. There should be some videos on how to simply get through each day.
No one in their right mind expects you to get through that. Healthy people will tell you to get out of that as soon as humanly possible and to seek professional treatment for the trauma you've experienced before you develop PTSD. Yes, seriously.
My mother has BPD and she's constantly terrorized my life and it's been really hard for me even now to understand her behaviors
I tried all this for 16 years, but all I received was lie after lie, being ignored, being snapped at if I disagreed and basically as long as everything was going her way it was fine but as soon as you go against them all hell breaks loose, and they don't seem to care less of the emotional mental damage they cause to others, yes I understand they are suffering but why should others have to walk on eggshells everyday take verbal abuse being lied to daily etc and especially when they won't even get help... We all have worries and scars from our lives but don't treat others like that.. I left the friendship after 16 years of constant lies belittling walking on eggshells and being verbally abused with them telling mot but out if I dared to voice an opinion
+finn191275 i am at the 16 year mark now and my partner is only just getting diagnosed. Your situation sounds very familiar to that of my own but i feel like i can't give up on her because i know that there is a decent person in there i see it probably 70% of the time, the other 30% is pure hell i really hear you on that. Did you find yourself becoming further away from your family and friends to save embarrasment etc, and avoiding social situations because of how she reacted?
i work with someone who I think has BPD (if they dont have it they definitely display traits). At first I would listen to them and try to help and calm them down etc but it just got worse. Then I realised I was encouraging them by making it 'safe' for then to act out. Now I dont really engage and its much better so I agree with the 'detach with love' advice. Even just detach with civility. These people are hurting but they are a nightmare and you have to think about your own wellbeing.
Lived through the same situation! The book “how to stop caretaking the borderline and narcissist” helped me so much.
I tried to set a boundary I was told " who do you think you are don't try to social work me". I'm a social worker and she used this against me. I have de cided to detach . I cant have friendships who don't understand my boundries. My life and job are emotionally draining and I can't be on the ball the way she needs me to be
The hardest thing for me is not taking it personally. I always seem to be the main target of undiluted rage, and the last thing I can think of to tell myself in that moment is "it's not about you".
I'm so sorry that you're in that situation :( My sister is the one with BPD, so unfortunately leaving isn't an option for me. I've never been in a really abusive romantic relationship, but I helped my best friend leave someone who was physically and emotionally abusive in a very serious way, and i've seen how hard it is to build yourself back up after someone has broken you down. I don't know you, but know that no matter the circumstance, that's unacceptable whether he has BPD or not. Is this fear and misery better than being alone? Is this this the kind of love and attention you really want?
I agree the strongest need is to feel heard, validated and understood.
However, when you are the intimate partner and the center of her life, those needs just grow too huge. Then fulfilling them becomes impossible, or at least extremely overwhelming.
You say that the stuff they go through is not about us. But that doesn't hold true. Maybe you are talking about your experience as a therapist. In real life, people who get their lives drained out by the borderline individual are the closest ones, especially the intimate partner. Seen as the primary source of need fulfillment, any minor imperfection or accidental slip turns the loved one into a rage target again.
It is NOT about you. She would do this with anyone. Let me repeat that. She will do the same thing with any intimate partner.
You may think you are special to her, but she has done this with every. single. intimate partner. before. you.
Right now, you are what is known as her "favorite person". You should learn what that is if you don't already know what that means to someone with BPD. Therapists also get drained by people with BPD...every single day. They are also rage targets.
Your intimate partner is not special or unique. She is just like all the other many people with BPD who is abusive and expects perfection in others while having no intention of being perfect herself. Educate yourself. Do research. You will learn how UNspecial and UNunique your situation.
Moreover you will learn how predictable her behavior is, even if you don't recognize it now (and it is so difficult to think straight when you are under constant assault from a batshit crazy giant toddler who acts like an emotional terrorist).
Ask me how I know (if you haven't already figured it out). lol
Please tell me more!my bf is exactly how you explained!😭
It's so hard living and trying to love someone with BPD. I cant handle it
Jonathan, if I could live my life 1000 times I would not have married the woman I married 999 times. Unfortunately, we pass this way but once. Despite multiple friends - including the pastor who married us - pleading with me not to go through with it I did not heed the multitude of counselors who tried in vain to open my eyes. I cannot overstate the profound pain I have endured. I have been emasculated, hit, spit upon, threatened, lied to, manipulated, and have gone from being loved and idealized during our courtship to being hated and vilified for years. My wife looked at our son square in the face when he was four years old and repeatedly told him, "Mommy hates Daddy." She would threaten him and scream at him to the point where he would wet himself. She repeatedly told her daughters and our son that I am the devil and called me Satan in front of the children. With her second husband she tried to run him over and threatened to leap from the edge of a three story building.
I cannot advise you to divorce your wife if you are married but if you are not married I cannot urge you more strongly to run - don't walk - away. It will not get better and you will lose all sense of who and what you are the longer you stay. Save yourself Jonathan.
Agreed
Yes. My mother has the disorder, the high functioning kind. It is so imbedded in her personality (=personality disorder), that I find myself not loving her as a person. If I want to keep my sanity, I need to do constant reality checks around her and be very strict about my boundaries. I need to see her for what she is. But how do I love her then?
She has good traits. She does. But it all seems to little compared to how much harm she does to herself and others. And I'm ashamed that I don't love my mother. It's part of the game, I know. Maybe I will see things more positively once I moved out. But will that positivity be honest? Or will that be just a prettified reality like my relatives have?
My parents really appreciated your video. They told me you helped them understand my issues in a very empathetic way and they felt validated that hope is possible and they were comforted by your empathy and your tone. Thank you.
my BPD loved one can't stand to get a boundary. she feels entitled to have free range to anything and everything her heart desires.
Fed Up I feel you. My husband has this too. If I try to show boundaries he just says 'your not gonna control me' It's like what do you do with that?
Candace Hood that's when you say, "I'm actually controlling me." In the example she gave in the video, she said she would walk away if the behavior continued. She is controlling her response to the behavior, not saying the behavior must be changed.
This is SO effective when done in a compassionate and forthright way. I had to do it multiple times with a loved one and because they didn't want me to leave, they gradually learned that their behavior needed to change if they wanted me to stay. The final straw was when this person relentlessly screamed at my husband while driving him home from an event 40 minutes away. When he arrived in tears, I asked what happened. I called the person thanked them for their willingness to be the carpool driver, acknowledged the round-trip time that it took from their daily schedule and encouraged them to speak up if they felt uncomfortable with a time commitment because there are other people carpooling and so this person wasn't obligated. I then explained that the behavior was so hurtful that we needed time to heal and would not be accepting calls, texts or visits for a month. Oh the protests! but I explained the parameters of the "time out" again, told them that I would miss them and look forward to talking to them in a month and hung up. A month later, we got together and there was no mention by either of us about what had happened. I knew not to expect an apology. So we just moved forward from there. Its been five years. The friendship is now more healthy, fun and genuine than ever. my husband even thoroughly enjoys being around this person.
People with this diagnosis (or without--but who exhibit all the traits) can recover and live very healthy, fun and fulfilling lives.
Thank you so much. My partner just had a bpd episode and as always I was very invalidating and dismissive towards her and so we ended up having a fight. But I took your advise and validated what she's feeling and treated her better and she became more open and calmer. I shouldn't have taken everything she was saying personally and I should have been unselfish towards her. I love her so much because she's the most wonderful person but her bpd is crippling her and it tests out relationship sometimes. She's not had therapy for a while now since she couldn't find a therapist that she's fine with but we really can't push this aside any longer. She's a wonderful person and I want the best for her and I always want her to be happy.
I work with what I believe to be a high functioning borderline co-worker. She has told me that she has had serious altercations with fellow staff members throughout her past working career. She has also attempted to slash her wrists in the past and can be extremely antagonistic if she believes her needs are not being met. I have tried to understand and appease her, but I have found that this approach simply makes her view me with ever increasing levels of contempt. Whats worse is the fact that she tries to export her borderline thinking to others in order to manipulate them into believing that the problems in the organisation do not reside at her door. Im so sick of treading on egg shells with her. She txts me crap about her arguments and altercations with co-workers everyday. It is completely bizzare. She appears to be in a constant flush of anger 24/7 too. I think the classic sign that you are mixed up with a BPD individual, is the feeling of being stuck in an inverted vortex where you begin to question your own sanity.
+Gwen Andrus Thank you. This woman has now left my organisation. She was involved in a physical fight with a co-worker and opted to change company. She continues to txt me though, obviously still desiring control...
I've been in Therapy for over a year now, I can say surrounding myself with supportive people like this has been so good. Great Video ❤️
At the request of some of the viewers of my last video, "Understanding Borderline Personality Disorder", I have just produced a new video: "Do you Love/Live With/Work With Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder?" You can find it here:
thank you. this was very helpful. a former friend has BPD,(didn't know it at the time) and some years ago had a manic episode during a little get together. Things escalated quickly and i handled it the best i knew how. after their threat of suicide i called the police. they took her to the nearest psych ward, only to have been released twice. She herself was a social worker and knew what to say to get out. She fooled them and us. I no longer talk to her as that she blocked me and i'm ok with that. I just wish i would seen this video years ago and knew better tactics on how to deal w/ someone w/ BPD
Thank you much for posting this video. As someone who deals with a close family member who has borderline personality disorder it can get frustrating on what to do to help the person without losing control of my own emotions. It's not easy. I appreciate you posting this video. Thanks.
Interesting! I am researching about narcissism after seeing a video earlier today, where someone recorded their narcissistic parent, so I am curious to learn more. During my reseach, I had seen borderline personality disorder described from time to time so here I am researching this also. Quite interesting video explanation! Thanks for posting.
Thank you for sharing. My daughter is pre diagnosed with BPD and she is 12. There was no physical abuse in the home as I have two older daughters that do not have a disorder. Dr.s first said she had ADD, then depression and thankfully the last psychiatrist mentioned BPD. The symptoms fit. I like the way you give examples of how to speak to someone with this diagnosis. I wish you were local.
Empty. Nailed that
I am an avid #MentalHealthAwareness advocate and performer, and I love this so much. I travel the country trying to bring that awareness on stages, in classrooms, hospitals, and on my TH-cam channel, so I get excited when I see other advocates. 💙❤
I suffer from bpd. i watched your videos and find your very kind and understanding. but i have always hated the word boundaries and i hate them. i hate when people im getting close to make rules or put walls up to me. makes me even more frustrated at them.
+Borderline Realperson I'm with you on your last point here
Men with BPD urgently require validation of their personality or emotional regulation disorders.
It always amazes me how many soft spoken professionals speak of validation while inconsistently applying neutral gender pronouns when talking about BPD. Most of the literature (including walking on eggshells) and the vast majority of "experts" speak of BPD as a female disorder. And, honestly, as a man with chronic BPD I feel like this gendering of the condition is hampering the recovery of many men with the BPD/EUPD (or whatever the new name is)
Thanks for watching and for commenting. I am strongly not-a-fan of "Walking on Eggshells" and if you go to my website you'll find a booklist of resources that are far more validating (and better researched). As I note in my videos, there are some historical and cultural reasons why BPD is overdiagnosed in women and underdiagnosed in men. That's changing - and I have a video on BPD in men as well. I explain in this video that I use him/her because BPD *does* show up in men - that said, it's a fact that more women carry the label and the stigma. I agree with you that the gendering of this (or any) condition hampers the recovery of those who have it. Thanks again.
This is great. Wish more people knew about the things you talk about!
This behavior from a coworker is unhealthy and quite unfair.
Xelbuad I hear you - I work in a psych hospital with a coworker with BPD and she’s having definite flare ups with no insight into it. She has poor boundaries with patients and discloses her issues to them (counter transference) and splits the patients against the staff. She doesn’t act as a team player with us. We are at a loss. I’ve tried for so long to have compassion for her and my patience is running thin. She needs to take time off but my bosses keep enabling the behavior. By saying they understand and validate they still aren’t addressing the underlying issue. Her work productivity is harming our team and the patients which prevents us from doing our jobs successfully. My boss said she agrees with us but is afraid to fire her because she is afraid she will hurt herself.
What if someone with BPD hurt you and you react and they make you feel guilty, cause I have anxiety due to the threats she made before and when she hurts someone and people go to calm her down she gets angry at them/us for getting hurt or sad for reacting to emotion pain and I'm scared as hell and I have been having anxiety attacks and she has emotionally manipulated me and I feel the need to confront her cause I can't handle her and she's threatened suicide and I'm freaking out and feeling just fear and rage fear cause of the threat and her guilt tripping and her screaming how I have no sympathy and rage cause im in pain I can't breathe and I still care for her to much to just walk dispite her doing this to me does mental illness justify them for hurting others? What should I do? If she hurts me an I get upset do I no longer have that right to tell her to stop hurting me? What if she triggers anxiety attacks cause she has i can tolerate her for quite an amount of time and because it's impossible to tell her to stop so what then? Suggestions please cause my "moment to calm down" has been fear and worry and crying and panic attacks and my therapist is usually helpful but this feels worse.
You can check out my website, www.drkristiwebb.com, and go to the Resources tab. You'll find a reading list there as well as links to other websites. There are lots of books and sites that can help you navigate this difficult situation. Best of luck to you.
@@DrKristiWebbChapelHill
Just saw your video ...but still walk on eggshell to satisfy bpd needs....all about them them them...
I wish people over here (uk) had the same thoughts as you. I have been told over and over 'ooh it might be tricky to find a therapist, most stay clear of patients that are complicated with BPD'. I have over a year wait to start DBT. I have recently been diagnosed and feel lost but your video helped me to start to understand. I have sent a link to my mum too in hope that she might start to understand it too and see that it is something and not nothing. I wish I was in the US and could talk with someone who has as much passion as you!
You can take DBT online from someone here in the US until you can get into DBT in the UK. You are likely to need more than one or two years of DBT, so it would not hurt to get start now to alleviate some of your intense emotional sufferings.
No one deserves BPD. I don't have it but I know people who do and it is an absolute nightmare of a disorder. I would not wish it on my worst enemy. Links below...
emotionallysensitive.com/
behavioraltech.org/training/online-training-courses-2/ (Marsha Linehan is the professional who created DBT and she suffers from BPD herself...this is her website)
www.hopeforbpd.com/borderline-personality-disorder-treatment/family-dbt-and-communications-skills-coaching
www.dbtselfhelp.com/
Take action for yourself now. You've suffered long enough. You will likely require more than one or two years of DBT so get started sooner rather than waiting for an available space.
Lastly, you may want to check out courses in Canada and Australia, as well. Start being an advocate for your own wellness. You can do it!
This the most eloquent person ever. It sounds like she's READING
My girlfriend seems to have BPD. When she gets upset over something so so small I'm so baffled, that I say "that's not a big deal" and man she blows up. Never tell her anything isnt a big deal. Yet she will easily tell ME something isn't a big deal when I'm upset about something horrible she's doing to me. Right now our 2 year relationship is teetering. Her need for other male attention is the thing I CAN'T live with. How does guy "friends" relate to a girl with BPD. I noticed she has some serious NPD traits too. She keeps messing up this relationship with her need to hang out with other guys or text them so much. She calls me possessive, abusive and controlling when all I've said is it makes me uncomfortable if she goes out with guys that are interested in her. Like a child she screams they are just friends. I don't even think she will cheat, but her seeking that specific male attention is something I hold dear, that's nearly emotional cheating FOR ME. She says I'm guilting her when I tell her I'm uncomfortable by what shes doing, and then its all about how dare I give her this guilt. Its never about me... how do you get through to her? Surely just allowing her to keep being irrational to calm down can't be permanent? I'll NEVER get my boundaries heard. Thank you.
This sounds really hard! On my website, drkristiwebb.com/Resources, there is a reading list. Check it out - there are many books and websites there that can give you helpful ideas for your situation. Best of luck to you!
Dr. Kristi Webb thank you, i have looked over your website before. I'll look again. The whole ordeal is exhausting. I was wondering though, is the need for many guys around her a BPD related thing at all?
It's not a symptom of BPD. There are several possible reasons for it.
It's not a symptom of BPD. There are several possible reasons for it.
Or himself, I have a very close male member of my family who has been diagnosed with B.P.D .
6months ago I walked into his flat (apartment)and found him in a coma from massive over use of a benzodiazapine .
He used these to self medicate to such a degree that the consultant at the A&E said he had taken enough to kill a horse and he didn't know how he was still alive.
I believe it was a genuine attempted suicide.
He has since been diagnosed with B.P.D
But I digress, this video,as with your other videos, is excellent and that you take the time to make these shows the kind of human being you are .
Just like to say thank you.
Another great insightful video...
Many thanks
Such a great video. I wish I could share it with my whole family, but I'm afraid they'll think that I'm just trying to get away with my behavior :-(
here is my question what about when someone has bpd co morbid with npd that was the case with my ex and i dont want to be judgemental and i want to understand but i feel like she behaved more lie a malignanht narcissist than a borderline but she was diagnosed with both and borderline beign the intial diagnosis i am so confused i feel like she just destroyed me
What do you do if you have a child with a borderline female, but wish to end the relationship?
This sounds harder when you are in a romantic relationship with one. They just cheat when you put down boundries.
I hope someone is listening because I feel like I'm a BPD person that needs their own space while I recover because even on proper meds and counseling I'll be too much for the people around me. I fully realize whatever extreme I go to with certain topics you I can't have someone talk down to me about the worst. I regularly do what I would perceive as the worst for my personal health which would mean self harm in the most personal way at any time. if i can damage myself at all (physically without people noticing and seeing what's going on and never downplay it) it should be taken seriously because at the base level I'll pick any self harm level and escalate in any perceived level of hostility.
I hope that you'll find a DBT therapist who can help you learn not to self-harm, not to think so poorly of yourself, and not to go to extremes. There are resources on my website, and in another one of my videos, called "If you have watched my videos and you have questions." Best to you.
My daughter was recently diagnosed with BPD. I knew absolutely nothing about this diagnosis until about a week ago. She is currently at Austin Riggs in MA. My question is: How do we find a good therapist for BPD? She has been struggling with depression and binge eating for several years, but none of her therapists ever mentioned BPD.
+warren kruger Take a look at my video, "If you have watched my videos and you have questions". You'll find lots of resources mentioned in there. Best of luck to you!
I personally think Im with a person who suffers from this disorder because she is extremely intelligent academically but yet its difficult for her to differentiate right from wrong. In fact, she is never wrong and never did she admit any wrong doing. I love her to death but its extremely hard to communicate with her especially if there's an existing issue between her and myself her solution is to run, avoidance, escaping from the reality and not addressing the issue. Here's an example, We were having problems in the relationship and I decided to seek out and get help. I went to a psychiatrist. When I told her she told me I shouldn't have done that because I'm not the victim.
Hey I no sure if ur g friend has bpd. But I do I self screened first thru black dog institute, I looked at the 9 symptoms, a diagnosis can be given with 5. I had 16 yrs off mental health issues on and off from High-school to 34. It's not always this way but I won't go into details but I am taking a med negligence case against Edinburgh psychiatric hospital. I was discharged twice, and it was missed in my notes that I was suspected bpd in 2011/2012 and treat for depression at present. I thru high school was anti drugs, but I fell into heavy substance misuse. Obv a lot happened but tbh its diff for everyone the causes. ect but I do know usually bpd causes substance misuse. But I was told suspected bipolar and bpd and was staying hospital
Thank you so much for explaining. It really helps me to understand my son.
Why didn't I find all this out earlier... I have been misbehaving with her all along... She already hates me already... what am I going to do... I love her
Sad, but true. I should have run, but instead I stayed for almost 2 years.
asif imtiaz neon good communication is the key. that goes for everything from setting expectations (i.e. I won't be available this afternoon to talk because I have a meeting, but I will be available after work.), verbalizing what you appreciate--even the little things (I.e I appreciate the way you change the toilet paper roll 😉), and setting/maintaining your own personal boundaries. explain the "why" behind the boundaries so that the person understands.
How could one diferenciate a BPD person with a malignan narcisist? I know most of the BPD patients are women but there are certain features that resemble, both cheat , lie, etc, etc?
This is a great question. You might find some answers in this video of mine on the topic: th-cam.com/video/GYLJl8nSvtQ/w-d-xo.html
It seems that BPDs connect at an unconscious level with other people. They are very sensitive in this regard. It´s as if that first unconscious connection with the mother was damaged and since then, they got stuck in a very early developmental stage. I truly believe that healing can only come if that unconscious connection is reestablished again with the therapist. The coniunctio, as some Jungians point out.
It's a genetic disorder. www.mdedge.com/psychiatry/article/81185/personality-disorders/borderline-personality-disorder-heritable-brain (if the link doesn't work, just Google "Borderline Personality Disorder is a heritable brain disease" and the journal article citing the MULTIPLE studies on the genetic link will come up.
Thank you immensely for your videos!
I have a roommate with BPD. I would try to express my intentions but, I have Avoidant personality disorder. The thing that sucks is instead of expressing her frustrations toward me, she directs them at my cousin; who is her fiancée.
O_O sorry to get in the conversation but...BOTH? it most be hard, I have only Avoidant personality disorder and things are really difficult sometime so...
This video is still about the borderline and not the companion.
No, she is giving you statements to use...and statements to avoid.
She has told you want might trigger them...and statements you can use that soothe their fears so they can then hear you.
She has told you they need structure and boundaries...not suggestions...and that they need red light and green light directions (and don't do well with yellow light suggestions or any grey areas). She even gave you an example.
She told you that you may not be the person who can handle this...and if not to detach with love.
So, you may need to rewatch the video again...and listen.
If you need a video about how to HEAL yourself from the trauma you experienced by being in a relationship with someone with BPD, then you need to be more specific in what kind of help you are asking to receive.
Thank you Doc! Can you recommend a doctor here in the Charlotte, NC area? Thanks!
Thank you so much for this video
Sadly I see my husband not able to deal with my disorder in this way which he does the opposite I'm constantly confused on top of my constant splitting as well it's hell for us both I know he tries but he just doesn't get it I pray he tries to understand my disorder and help fix the relationship, or leave if he needs to I'd understand and because I do love him I will let him go :(
The key is to have a lot of empathy.
I noticed you used the term ‘her’ and ‘she’. Do this still apply to men?
Absolutely. You can take a look at another of my videos, on exactly this topic: BPD and men.
She said a lot of him or her.
Dr. Kristi Webb isn’t it more likely in females though?
BPD is diagnosed more frequently in women than in men, but that doesn't mean it occurs more frequently in women than in men. There are issues of sexism and culture in the diagnostic description, as well as differences in how men and women interact with the mental health (or criminal justice) system.
Very nicely done!
hi I have girlfriend with borderline personality disorder and she is getting angry for small things what shall I do to make her happy.
Nothing. You cannot make her completely happy because it is something she needs to work out herself. Trust me my girlfriend has BPD and it can be a nightmare dealing with her and her not trusting me even though he has cheated on me but I have not cheated on her. Your girlfriend needs therapy like mine is doing. But if she doesn't do something then you need to leave for your own sanity.
I know I'm responding late.
You can't fix it.
You can use techniques that Dr. Webb has mentioned to train her, or you can leave.
If the training doesn't work, then leaving is the best option.
Hi Dr. Webb. I have a question in one of your comments you respond about Walking On Eggshells book. Why is it that you don't agree with that popular best selling book by paul mason md and diane kreuger ph.d. I have a friend of mine who highly recommend the Stop Walking On Eggshells book that it's the best book out there along with Stop Caretaking The Borderline Or Narcissist. ??
Dear Aubrey, Most DBT therapists (including me) don't like that book because it is highly judgmental, critical, and shaming of the person who is emotionally sensitive and who may have BPD. After all, these are people who - no matter how upsetting their behavior may be to you - are doing the best they can, without benefit of the skills to do better. They're just trying to get their needs met. It is far more effective to validate their pain and their needs and teach them to be more skillful, than to shame and blame and be angry and rejecting - which is what that book advocates. I do like what it says about setting boundaries, but it's possible to do so in a loving way.
Dr. Kristi Webb I understand it all make sense.
Hi dr kristi, how About when they hate you, like my husband does right now, he has BPD! He screem at me and Call me names, what can l do at those moments when he is very angry at me for no reason? Thanks in advance
Have you had a chance to look at my video, "If you've watched my videos and you have questions"? In it, I offer some resources (websites, books) that I am sure you will find helpful. Best of luck to you.
+kandooma2010 Let him have some space or find some space yourself i find helps at times, others not so much as she will just follow me around. Having time to deal with their emotion is important though and i find that when i give my partner space she calms down much quicker and re-attaches with reality.
+Stephen Barnes Dealing with the triggers also helps i may add.
kandooma2010 Let the person calmly collect their thoughts. The outbursts usually come in waves in my experience and time is the only thing that calms my partner down. Giving her space solves the aggression every time.I just hate the grin and look of "i got one over on you" after.
Thank you so much!
Could you also do a video on ptsd and intimate relationships. I am a veteran with Ptsd amongst other things I find it hard to voluntarily maintain any human relationships and I don't know why.
Christina, Thanks for watching and thank you for the idea for my next video. In the meantime, have you watched my video on PTSD? You may find that it covers some of what you are wondering about.
Best,
k
Any advice on how to handle the BL behaviour escalating when accepting, validating are automatically escalated anyway. I try and use the 4 d's alot and try to never react or feed the moods but it usually ends badly and i give up in utter dispair and confusion. Admittedly, this happens during a big booze up, something she struggles to control.
There is a lot going on in this situation! On my website, www.drkristiwebb.com, under "Resources" there is a booklist (it's toward the bottom of the page). You may find some helpful books there. "Stop Walking on Eggshells" is one that many people like and that you may find useful, although it has a judgmental tone that is not for everyone. I also have links on that page to several websites about BPD. Best of luck to you both! k
You should be saying he/she to start with, then you bring up walking away from a relationship with someone diagnossed with BPD like its a cake walk when there biggest fear is of abadonment. You should go into that part with some great detail.
Your tone suggests entitlement. She does not owe you, or me anything. She is sharing her knowledge and time for free here.
fbringiton I agree
Great advice
I need to discuss my problem with you but can't afford to post a comment publicly. Is there somewhere I can mail you at?
Someone in my family deals with BPD and they don't even know they have it. Another one has some kind of disorder I don't know about. It wrecks havoc on me and my mother trying to handle the situation and hide it from the other one.
Please watch my video, "If you have watched my videos and you have questions." Thank you.
yes
As a BPD sufferer it is very hard for me to hold my attention when you always refer to the BPD sufferer as "she,or her " Would have been better if you said " The person or they" unless this video is for women only ?
It's all good.I've met a few men with it,but many more women than men. I just finished a DBT 6 month group and I was the only guy.I will say tho that no matter woman/man, our thinking is exactly the same :/
Simple question. Why do you only say she?
+N/A Thanks for watching and commenting. You'll notice that I don't always say "she" in the video. Even though I also use "he" and "him" I also explain that the diagnosis of BPD is disproportionately given to women. It's certainly possible that women are more emotionally sensitive than men, but more likely the reason is that the diagnosis was originally written in such a way that it describes women more readily than it does men. In other words, the problem may be with the diagnostic criteria.
+Dr. Kristi Webb my mistake
I'm my husband's carer
"herself" "help her" "she's already feeling ashamed" - I'm not a girl! lol..just say them/they
Valid point. It may help to make a note of the approximate age of this therapist. She's not under 50 years old. She came up during a time when therapists were told females had BPD and males were AsPD.
le th, actually that's not true; please don't try to speak for me, thank you. What is true is that I make very clear at the start of my videos why I tend to use "her" and that it's not because I agree with it. Thanks for watching.
I agree 100% with what you are saying but wonder why you always use the pronoun 'she'? Maybe you are a feminist or maybe you don't realize that men suffer from this condition too. You have great insight and maybe I'm being too sensitive but, as a male, it isn't easy being told you have a disorder that affects mostly women. Go Heels!
You are absolutely right: BPD affects men, too. I use the pronoun "she" because statistically it is more likely that women will be diagnosed with it. There is a lot of debate in the literature about whether this is because only women seek help; because the psychiatric community pathologizes "feminine" behavior such as striving to maintain relationships; because men tend to be diagnosed with a different disorder instead; or for some other reason. Thank you for skillfully pointing out that I didn't make clear why I use "she" more often than "he" in my descriptions.