This was painful to hear - on all sorts of levels. There is so much truth in this video and so much resonated with me. The excruciatingly deep sadness, for me, was the total lack of a truly loving and supportive relationship as a child. And the continuation of that pattern throughout my life. Although I’ve had therapy - I still find relationships stressful and problematic and so I find it easier to be alone. But it’s not ideal. Best of luck to all of you here in the comments. Xx
Sometimes it just takes ONE good friend that gives you unconditional love that can help heal. Jesus is the Greatest Healer and provider of unconditional love.
a lot of things are right here but that fantasy thing was not my case. But my father was unavailable as part of is part of his bipolar. He was stolen from my life and I never got the relationship a normal kid. I now see that I should have been a better son by making sure I included him in my life more often As an adult. I'm so sorry dad. I wish it could have been different. My mom was unavailable because she was putting food on the table.. Then it gets worse because my son has bipolar bipolar and I can't have a relationship with I can't Have relationship with him that's normal . He suffers so bad from panic and doesn't and doesn't know why and no one will treat him. Sad you're right. So sad. Thanks for explaining however hard part it is for me. Thank you sister Donna and I am counting on Jesus for his forgiveness. I'm a software with unbelievable pain that the government pain 20 years. Our boy is 5 years ago the government the government took our pain medication nearly away. Don't know how I can go on.
A modification - I couldn't please my parents so I hid and learned to hate myself. I appreciate this video and hope I and everyone else who suffers finds the strength and gets the help they need to face self-hate and the emptiness of this deficit.
When I started to compleately indivudate, my covert narc mom told me: YOU ARE NOT "MINE" anymore. It was sooo scary, the voice she spoke these words with.
Yes, it gives me goosebumps, as well. I was denied the right to be MY SELF. I carried so much toxic shame. I could not make any decision wuthout my mom. Father was an alcoholic. Untill I went no contact with her and went through patilogical lonliness, I stayed codepebdent...yes that was me. I questioned if I am lovable. Now, a recovering codependent
It is very unsettling that a stranger can describe my life almost exactly spot on. And it's very painful to realize that my entire life of almost 65 years has been subject to narcissists. I have never been free of them. Now I understand why I have always felt trapped and have a lot of health issues from stuffing my needs to take care of others.
I USE TO CRY A LOT NOT A LOT IN FRONT OF PEOPLE BUT MOSTLY TO MYSELF, AND WHEN I REACHED A CERTAIN AGE MANY THINGS DID NOT MATTER ANYMORE, THEN WHEN I GOT MARRIED I NEVER CRIED SO MUCH IN MY LIFE AND THEN I CRIED FOR NEARLY THIRTY YEARS STRAIGHT AND THEN I CRIED SOME MORE NOT NEARLY AS MUCH AND NOW I AM FREE THANKS 🙏 TO GOD AND PEOPLE LIKE YOU ROSS AND MANY OTHER CHANNELS!!!!!!!!!!!!
I feel like I was raised by two codependents 🧐 I was taught to please people and not to get angry. To never ask for things I need, but expect the other person to just know what I need because we can’t be selfish.
@@SilentFigure1 I believe the opposite is true. Deep emotional crying wakes up a suppressed immune system and the cold is the way the body releases the emotional toxins. Curious. Did you end up watching this?
Ross, this is brilliant wisdom. As an extension to this, as my father was a virulent, alcohol-guzzling, malignant narcissist, I was trained repetitively and operantly to be a self-sacrificing, tragic martyr. This is actually the best preparation and training for a future career in medicine. Because medicine can really be a sick profession. Think of it! There are twenty-five people in your waiting room with metastatic cancer with all of its attendant complications - and then there's you. Medical school selection committees can smell out codependents with an avid delight! So narcissistic parentification is essentially a program in "pre-med". When I grew up I was perfectly groomed for medicine. Then I became a medical doctor and let everyone get everything out of me: a doormat. I couldn't get enough liquor at night to try to kill the pain. I eventually when into the garage to hang myself with an extension cord. So, pathological narcissist parents must be at least congratulated: they are the most abundant source of tomorrow's medical doctors.
@@rosaartemisg5027 Thank you for this kindness. I eventually, after much help, 'grew up' to be kind and compassionate, including to myself, and have since raised two well-adjusted and loving children. Because I recovered I thank God I never had to pass it on --- I mean narcissistic parentification. We can get well - we can recover! Blessings to you.
I wasn't expecting to cry when watching this video. When I was 7 I broke my arm at school. I remember not crying there or at the hospital when the doctor was fixing it because I didn't want to upset people or cause more trouble. It was one of the worst pain I have ever felt in my life. The doctor mentioned he never saw a child going throught that with a straight face before.
So part of my trauma was the silent abuse/silent treatment, the complete and utter silence. I didn't exist and until I apologized after much chasing to give the apology, the silence continued. When I finally ended my last sldd/covert narcissist relationship in 6/18, I did seek closure before therapy. I did however state in every conversation, I do not want you back, the relationship is over period. I did react for 5 years to the silent abuse, by begging and chasing to make it stop. Thank you for all you do.
I have never resonated with anything more than everything you described in this video. 1000%. Just hearing my life spoken through this teaching already began a massive healing in my heart. Thank you for sharing this.
Thank you so much for sharing Haley! Please also consider exploring Ross's resources at www.selfloverecovery.com/ to help you heal, grow and learn. Cheers!
Ross, your theory is really amazing!! No other personality theory explains codependents so accurately the way your SLDD theory does. Understanding of SLDD has helps me in treating my patients in a satisfactory way. My best wishes to you!!
Thank you so much for sharing! Please consider exploring Ross's resources at www.selfloverecovery.com/. You and your patients/clients may benefit from his full-length video seminars. Cheers!
That was deeply painful and true to the bones!!! Thank you for helping us connecting the dots and bringing this vicious cycle to our awareness ❤️ On the bright side, that means we are not worthless, flawed or damaged by default, it was just a coping mechanism to survive, quite a brilliant one actually
That about sums it up! Thank you for all you share. My guilt for temporarily going no contact with my mother and her family was consuming me and it's through your help and others I understand exactly why. This video described my childhood and chameleon behavior perfectly. I still remember being complimented for my ability to fit in anywhere. That always stuck with me and now I know why. Watching this video again.
Nailed it.... my life, your life for all those that found this to resonate so deeply. Ross, found you a few years back after being crushed by an NPD Boss. Then realized that was my dad... That was my Ex... That was my life. After coming to terms with NPD and being a codependent. Life has gotten a bit better. Thank You!
I remember when I was 13 years old my dad took my instrument away since he found out that I complained to my aunt about my situation at home. She told him or my mother what I said and I was punished right away
They have their flying monkeys. My maternal uncle said, when I complained to him that my mom hits me, that she hits me because she loves me. I as a child looked at him and knew he was on her side and I couldn’t trust any adult. My alcoholic dad abandoned me emotionally and physically so he never protected me. I get angry and agitated when I think of my childhood which groomed me to be attracted to and marry a narcissist for 20 years followed by loving another narcissist for a couple of years after that. I’m now watching all these videos in hopes of healing, I’m willing to stay single until I can honestly say that I have self love.
@@socol76 thanks for sharing, the hardest to accept are the many lost years in pain and lack. And your uncle knew he would risk or even loose the relationship with his sister if he sided with you. And would not be able to keep in touch anymore
I am listening to you and I just have no works! Reminds me of me when I was little! My mom liked to drink and I remember I could tell when she was really buzzed! Her face changed! Lol thank you for your insight!
Painfull but Thank god found the RigHt therapist, what Ross says is sooo true, of you don,t go through the stages you Will never be free and feel like a lovable and loved person with integrity and self respekt.
Great content… ex was a Narc and mentally and emotionally abuses our teenage. He responds with ‘pleasing’ responses… I try and reinforce‘boundaries’ and be grounded in his own reality!
I guess this country is pretty messed up. A lot of people (including me) experienced this in their childhood. Some became mean hateful narcissists, while others became saints and enjoyed helping others. I am the martyr type myself. An empath too. I enjoy being alone most of the time except I have my dog and cats and animal friends. I don't mind being me at all. My favorite thing to do is help others.
You are making so much sense. I'm here because of narcisstic abuse. My question to myself is why did I put up with it 35 yrs... I've read enough about narcissism, where do I fit in... Thank you for this insight, extremely thought provoking... A
To say thank you for your videos seems woefully inadequate!! I am watching every one and in today's video you could have subtitled it, me, Lisa Nelke 😮🥺🙏💘
My mother didn't want kids. She repeatedly told me how she aborted my older sibling but cudn't abort me due to increased cost. Also my paternal grandfather was inept because the herbs he gave her didn't work. I was her punching bag - mentally, physically, emotionally, socially, mentally financially - all areas
Oh this fantasy of a perfect child which is supposed to make the parent/s happy is so true. This planet has a huge problem with forwarded trauma/ancestral trauma.
I’ve been asking myself where it came from because I was the Golden child of our borderline mother. I didn’t even know my Narcissistic Father was alive til I was 26 😓. I didn’t realize it’s not always a lack of affection, but it could be smothering and instability. My mother is chronically ill and moved us around all the time. There was always a’bad guy’ out to kill us and she drove us to dv shelters several times a year. I couldn’t keep friends because they didn’t trust me not to disappear to a different school.
So number of this resonated and some of this. I am the adult child of an alcoholic mother. She was high functioning and very creative and painted over 100 paintings and I still have 100 of them in my apartment that never got sold since she died of liver cancer back in 1998 less than a month after my 17th birthday. My parents were not abusive. I was involved in sports ⚽️ basketball 🏀 baseball ⚾️ 🏈 in elementary school and middle school and choir and theater in high school But I had two older half brothers who were eight years and 10 years older than me and so in many ways I grew up as an only child. My mom and dad love me a lot, but I had to spend a lot of time entertaining myself by playing with Tonka trucks in the backyard and riding my bike and Exploring the neighborhoods around me and watching construction equipment. I had one good friend until fifth grade when I made another good friend. And then I had a lot of friends in high school theater because I could be myself
I am trying to learn more about creativity, and I am curious about how codependency and creativity work as different potentials in a person's psychological system.
@Julie Bucker I agree with what you said. What I mean is - i started to wonder if the situations that cause codependence might cause is to abandon creativity or to do the opposite and use creativity to come up with eays to cope - like if we use our skills trying to make up ways to placate an addict or narcissist, or make up other strategies to survive, like writing stories or living in a dream world to stay out of one we cannot successfully interact with. So, I don't want to say that one causes the other at all. I wonder what happens to the fanciful mind in a harsh, no-win situation. I think of Emily Bronte, her care of her alcoholic sibling, attendance of an abusive school, and her early creation of an imaginary kingdom. So, yeah.
@Julie Bucker I wish we were in a group discussion of this together. What fun to have a free exchange of ideas. I do think our society embodies this problem of imposing things on a large scale.
I have actually my many imaginary worlds, different personalities and it serves as coping skills from very early childhood. But I am realizing that trauma cannot be skill building that I was never able to think of myself, my real likes and dislikes. When you are no more able to escape from real issues you will surely have breakdown.
This saddens me to no end. I raised a son alone who is co-dependent. I may have my problems and by far am not perfect but I'm in no way a narcissist. Could there be other reasons this could happen? I've done a lot of soul searching to find the answer.
Of course there is another possible reason The example of our parents could be the that reason Let us not torture ourselfs Jesus said : Fadher forgive them for they not know what they are doing “ He has the answer.
Lol, u know that's what literally almost all say, ..... especially the ones who are labeled or blamed for something, but I guess ? Everyone already knows this, I'm assuming.
I´ve seen this before. Hard to put into words. It is not only the missing 2nd parent (i presume, its the father), which makes themselves feel less worthy than other children when comparing oneself to other families. the one parents behaviour & self-worth is copied to some extend, when evaluating oneselfs worth and standing in the world & how to be a accepted member under fellow humans. Wish you the best, hope that helps, its not my language.
Please consider exploring Ross's resources and video seminars at: www.selfloverecovery.com/. You may be interested in: www.selfloverecovery.com/collections/video-seminars-downloads/products/the-codependency-cure
That explains YOUNG SHELDON: The oldest boy wants to emancipate early and start a family with an older woman. That is why the sister is largely quiet in the story. The focus on Sheldon takes away from the other kids AND the parents from each other. The siblings are neglected. Sheldon is high functioning but on the spectrum with either Autism or Asperger. So the parents are dealing with a super gifted child plus a spectrum kid. TY.
I resonate with all of your videos. It almost scares me because it's as if you're describing me. I would like to get a therapist that specializes in codependency do you have any recommendations for Sacramento County.
Hi Susan, thanks for the support! Unfortunately, we cannot recommend a specific therapist. This other video may be helpful: th-cam.com/video/a8xtIr_5BKA/w-d-xo.html, or the guide Ross created to help find a good therapist: www.selfloverecovery.com/collections/video-seminars/products/the-buyers-guide-to-psychotherapy
This confused me because I’m the first born that watched my sister all the time and learned to cook and do stuff early . I was also molested by other people so I was very aware of everything early, but I didn’t become an overachiever or the best or very independent, I was and underachiever cause I had no confidence or thought it doesn’t matter and I became immature as I got older feeling like I was stuck as a kid, but I’m everything you described in a relationship. People pleaser everyone liked always smiling no matter what so why was my situation a little different. Also I’m gay and super sensitive so mother hated that and never let me express my feelings or validate them
I find your teaching and instruction insightful and invaluable. I also want to give you some constructive feedback, I've watched a couple of videos and so for both of them have somehow editing basically taking out dead space or filler words like um. Could you please some possibly just let the flow happen naturally? It's distracting to listen to as you can hear the cutouts, and especially hard to watch the visually when images and people's faces are jumping around on the screen. Hope that's not being selfish and sacrifice to direct! Thank you so much for all that you do!
Yep. I lost my dad at 4yo. My mum said I was the man of the house and lumped all that responsibility on me and then my sister. She unintentionally forced me to grow up fast while babying my sister who has now an 'unadult' no job no prospects in life and no drive. She can function ok but has 0 drive or social skills to the point of taking 6 months to reply to a message. I had to learn about being a man by myself and never had a single positive male role model in my life. This didn't set me up very well as far as relationships go as I never had a refrence for what healthy relationships look like.
Thank you so much Ross. It's like someone understand my early childhood. And after all this time I can have an logical explaintion, why he changed so quickly to a monster. I wrote him an farewell letter with 11, because he gaved me a book, where I read buddhist burned themself for demonstration against the war, I really don't remember exactly, but it gaves me this crazy idea. I wanted to kill myself, because I hoped maybe he realise, that my siblings need my mum and parents, who are there and not all this stuff to be a happy family. He found the letter before I was able to kill myself. But after this, everything changed for me, it was like he hated me and he punished me. He never physical abused me before 11, but after that it was like he tried to break me. And he did things to my siblings and my mum. I had to hate him and fight back, if I didn't want that he hurt them. And I still don't understand after all this, after everything he did to me, why I'm not able to hate him, why I still care. I only able to stop caring, when I know nothing about him, look away. Move in another city. I do everything, so he is not able to contact me. I also stoped the contact to my siblings, if they do and try to explain me, that our childhood is over and he is diffrent now. I just don't want to see him anymore. I need to.
Hmmmm, Im definitely co-dependent BUT I 100% did NOT have disordered parents. I was well loved, nurtured, and emotionally supported. Yes, my parents were appropriately critical, but also extremely loving.
A quick question: In what order do you recommend using your material from your website? Which program should be purchased first for effective recovery? If you could please mention the order for learning your material, it will help in streamlining. Also if you can elaborate on the method or 'How' to work with your material so that it is most effective. Thank you very much.
Thank you for the questions! Ross's video seminars are educational tools loaded with helpful information that can be useful for independent self-help work. The seminars are better to be used together with therapy, but in the absence of it, they have been proven to be very helpful. Ross always recommends to start with The Codependency Cure. It is a very complete seminar, with the presentation of the SLDD/SLA pyramids, Ross’s definition of codependency as Self-Love Deficit Disorder, and a first review of the 10 stages. This is the recommended order to watch them: www.selfloverecovery.com/collections/video-seminars-downloads
Dr Ross i suppose you are familiar with the dysfunctionality of families that it gets “inherited” to coming Generations, in my therapy I did a family tree, trying to identify all the violence osychological, dysfunctions, etc, And this does affect us if no one stops the circle.
Know this well. Years of living this and coming to the end of life, I wonder if anyone can heal from this. I have tried everything. To see me is to see the damage thinking you are or deserve to be unloved. As I watch and experience the need for love, my own love for myself seems impossible . Circles.
Spellbinding.I learn how to walk without emotional crutches.That was my life up to this point , still walking my mom through her marriage and child trauma while she struggles to be an adult.She treated me badly as a child ***emotional incest.omg😐
Toxic mother syndrome ~ it it ever fair to blame the father? Sons and daughters tied to mother's apron strings, then trying to break free, or scared of breaking free?
Not sure i agree. I have been codependent. Neither parent abusive addictive or particularly nassacitic. However I was brought up in post war England, rationing still in place and emotionally repressive. I assumed I was simply emotional constipated. My career greatly benefitted from my lack of emotion and problrm solving abilities. But alas 65 years of career re-enforement has left me with no significant internal emotions.
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This was painful to hear - on all sorts of levels. There is so much truth in this video and so much resonated with me. The excruciatingly deep sadness, for me, was the total lack of a truly loving and supportive relationship as a child. And the continuation of that pattern throughout my life. Although I’ve had therapy - I still find relationships stressful and problematic and so I find it easier to be alone. But it’s not ideal. Best of luck to all of you here in the comments. Xx
I feel you !
Sometimes it just takes ONE good friend that gives you unconditional love that can help heal. Jesus is the Greatest Healer and provider of unconditional love.
@@donnavorbach215 Thanks Donna - yes he’s my friend now. 💕
@@donnavorbach215 wow I felt that 🥺!
a lot of things are right here but that fantasy thing was not my case. But my father was unavailable as part of is part of his bipolar. He was stolen from my life and I never got the relationship a normal kid. I now see that I should have been a better son by making sure I included him in my life more often As an adult. I'm so sorry dad. I wish it could have been different. My mom was unavailable because she was putting food on the table.. Then it gets worse because my son has bipolar bipolar and I can't have a relationship with I can't Have relationship with him that's normal . He suffers so bad from panic and doesn't and doesn't know why and no one will treat him. Sad you're right. So sad. Thanks for explaining however hard part it is for me. Thank you sister Donna and I am counting on Jesus for his forgiveness. I'm a software with unbelievable pain that the government pain 20 years. Our boy is 5 years ago the government the government took our pain medication nearly away. Don't know how I can go on.
This is the best treatment of this subject I’ve ever heard. He is literally telling the story of my childhood. I wept. I’m glad I saw this.
A modification - I couldn't please my parents so I hid and learned to hate myself. I appreciate this video and hope I and everyone else who suffers finds the strength and gets the help they need to face self-hate and the emptiness of this deficit.
I am a child of one narissistic and one alcoholic parent. Who created the SLDD in me??
When I started to compleately indivudate, my covert narc mom told me: YOU ARE NOT "MINE" anymore. It was sooo scary, the voice she spoke these words with.
Yes, it gives me goosebumps, as well. I was denied the right to be MY SELF. I carried so much toxic shame. I could not make any decision wuthout my mom. Father was an alcoholic. Untill I went no contact with her and went through patilogical lonliness, I stayed codepebdent...yes that was me. I questioned if I am lovable. Now, a recovering codependent
I learned helplesness and dependence on my mother.
It is very unsettling that a stranger can describe my life almost exactly spot on. And it's very painful to realize that my entire life of almost 65 years has been subject to narcissists. I have never been free of them. Now I understand why I have always felt trapped and have a lot of health issues from stuffing my needs to take care of others.
"This children unconditional love those how conditional loved them" 😭.....when I hear this I burst into tears
I USE TO CRY A LOT NOT A LOT IN FRONT OF PEOPLE BUT MOSTLY TO MYSELF, AND WHEN I REACHED A CERTAIN AGE MANY THINGS DID NOT MATTER ANYMORE, THEN WHEN I GOT MARRIED I NEVER CRIED SO MUCH IN MY LIFE AND THEN I CRIED FOR NEARLY THIRTY YEARS STRAIGHT AND THEN I CRIED SOME MORE NOT NEARLY AS MUCH AND NOW I AM FREE THANKS 🙏 TO GOD AND PEOPLE LIKE YOU ROSS AND MANY OTHER CHANNELS!!!!!!!!!!!!
I feel like I was raised by two codependents 🧐 I was taught to please people and not to get angry. To never ask for things I need, but expect the other person to just know what I need because we can’t be selfish.
I relate with this statement so much. I was also raised to keep quiet. Not ask for what I need and to excessively please others. 😥
Omg same!!!!
Explains why in dating, bad = good, and guys treating you with respect get tossed out.
@@07wrxtr1humans like what is familiar
❤❤
This is my lifeee from start to finish, and as a result im left codependent. Thank you Ross
This made me cry it opened up a deep wound
Me too.
@@matcabliii Now I am afraid to listen. I find deep emotional crying really somehow turns off your immune system and lets in colds viruses.
@@SilentFigure1 I believe the opposite is true. Deep emotional crying wakes up a suppressed immune system and the cold is the way the body releases the emotional toxins. Curious. Did you end up watching this?
Me too.
Ross, this is brilliant wisdom. As an extension to this, as my father was a virulent, alcohol-guzzling, malignant narcissist, I was trained repetitively and operantly to be a self-sacrificing, tragic martyr. This is actually the best preparation and training for a future career in medicine. Because medicine can really be a sick profession. Think of it! There are twenty-five people in your waiting room with metastatic cancer with all of its attendant complications - and then there's you. Medical school selection committees can smell out codependents with an avid delight! So narcissistic parentification is essentially a program in "pre-med". When I grew up I was perfectly groomed for medicine. Then I became a medical doctor and let everyone get everything out of me: a doormat. I couldn't get enough liquor at night to try to kill the pain. I eventually when into the garage to hang myself with an extension cord. So, pathological narcissist parents must be at least congratulated: they are the most abundant source of tomorrow's medical doctors.
I'm glad you didn't go through with the hanging. We cannot let them win! We are important too!! WE MATTER TOO!!
We who depend on you collectively thank you and I hope we can appreciate you for you not just what you do.
Im happy you're here with us to share your experiences and wisdom!
Hang in there ! 🌻
@@rosaartemisg5027 Thank you for this kindness. I eventually, after much help, 'grew up' to be kind and compassionate, including to myself, and have since raised two well-adjusted and loving children. Because I recovered I thank God I never had to pass it on --- I mean narcissistic parentification. We can get well - we can recover! Blessings to you.
You are a hero in my book, so glad you didn’t hurt yourself. Never to late to reset your life. I think I turned the corner at the age of 59.
I wasn't expecting to cry when watching this video.
When I was 7 I broke my arm at school. I remember not crying there or at the hospital when the doctor was fixing it because I didn't want to upset people or cause more trouble. It was one of the worst pain I have ever felt in my life. The doctor mentioned he never saw a child going throught that with a straight face before.
Thanks for sharing Alice.
🥺
And he probably knew.
So part of my trauma was the silent abuse/silent treatment, the complete and utter silence. I didn't exist and until I apologized after much chasing to give the apology, the silence continued. When I finally ended my last sldd/covert narcissist relationship in 6/18, I did seek closure before therapy. I did however state in every conversation, I do not want you back, the relationship is over period. I did react for 5 years to the silent abuse, by begging and chasing to make it stop. Thank you for all you do.
I have never resonated with anything more than everything you described in this video. 1000%. Just hearing my life spoken through this teaching already began a massive healing in my heart. Thank you for sharing this.
Thank you so much for sharing Haley! Please also consider exploring Ross's resources at www.selfloverecovery.com/ to help you heal, grow and learn. Cheers!
"Emotional Insest" is the best way to describe how it feels ☹😩
....yep
Holy shit. Did you have a camera install during my childhood? Now I feel like I'm in the Truman show. This is EXACTLY my experience down to the letter
I again listened to this and every time i get more from this talk on my healing journey. Thank you Dr Rosenberg 🙏
You are so welcome, Sindhu.
Ross, your theory is really amazing!! No other personality theory explains codependents so accurately the way your SLDD theory does. Understanding of SLDD has helps me in treating my patients in a satisfactory way. My best wishes to you!!
Thank you so much for sharing! Please consider exploring Ross's resources at www.selfloverecovery.com/. You and your patients/clients may benefit from his full-length video seminars. Cheers!
I've never heard myself described so completely.
That was deeply painful and true to the bones!!! Thank you for helping us connecting the dots and bringing this vicious cycle to our awareness ❤️
On the bright side, that means we are not worthless, flawed or damaged by default, it was just a coping mechanism to survive, quite a brilliant one actually
You are so welcome April.
Very good description of what happened in my home when I was a child. I'm sending it to my sister.Still feeling the effects so many years later.
Thanks for sharing.
Your brilliant Ross, where have you been!!! Finally a professional who knows what he's talking about........
Thank you so much for the support. Glad this is helpful.
Cried cathartic tears while watching...this child was me.
Thanks for sharing.
That about sums it up! Thank you for all you share. My guilt for temporarily going no contact with my mother and her family was consuming me and it's through your help and others I understand exactly why. This video described my childhood and chameleon behavior perfectly. I still remember being complimented for my ability to fit in anywhere. That always stuck with me and now I know why. Watching this video again.
Thanks for sharing!
Thank you so much Ross. Two narc parents. This helps me so so much.
❤
I can relate to this. Really helps healing and understanding where I went wrong too . Thankyou x
This is what has happened to me in my life. Every word you say is true, based in reality. Thank you for your work, you are saving people’s lives!
Thank you for educating us and therefore helping us to understand better our interpersonal relationships.
So good. I cried. Thank you.
Nailed it....
my life, your life for all those that found this to resonate so deeply.
Ross, found you a few years back after being crushed by an NPD Boss.
Then realized that was my dad... That was my Ex... That was my life.
After coming to terms with NPD and being a codependent.
Life has gotten a bit better.
Thank You!
Thanks so much for sharing. Keep up the good work!
It’s not your fault
For the first time in my life I felt understood. This is my life. WOW! Ross you are a genius!
Thanks for sharing Michaella. Glad this is helpful!
I just hope people can recover from this. I think some institute or firm needs to be estabalished to investigate and prevent narcissistic child abuse.
I remember when I was 13 years old my dad took my instrument away since he found out that I complained to my aunt about my situation at home. She told him or my mother what I said and I was punished right away
They have their flying monkeys. My maternal uncle said, when I complained to him that my mom hits me, that she hits me because she loves me. I as a child looked at him and knew he was on her side and I couldn’t trust any adult. My alcoholic dad abandoned me emotionally and physically so he never protected me. I get angry and agitated when I think of my childhood which groomed me to be attracted to and marry a narcissist for 20 years followed by loving another narcissist for a couple of years after that. I’m now watching all these videos in hopes of healing, I’m willing to stay single until I can honestly say that I have self love.
@@socol76 thanks for sharing, the hardest to accept are the many lost years in pain and lack. And your uncle knew he would risk or even loose the relationship with his sister if he sided with you. And would not be able to keep in touch anymore
Looking forward to it, your one of my favorites on this subject.
Glad to hear it!
Thanks so much Dr. Ross. So painful yet so true. 🌸🌸🌸🌸
You are so welcome. Thanks for listening.
I am listening to you and I just have no works! Reminds me of me when I was little! My mom liked to drink and I remember I could tell when she was really buzzed! Her face changed! Lol thank you for your insight!
Thank you for sharing and for your support!
Painfull but Thank god found the RigHt therapist, what Ross says is sooo true, of you don,t go through the stages you Will never be free and feel like a lovable and loved person with integrity and self respekt.
My father was happy ~ my mother wasn't ~ my sister and I tried to cheer her up ~ we both failed ~ but trying to cheer her up taught us a lot !!
Thank you, on the road to healing.
You are welcome. Glad this can help.
I had to watch it twice to let it sink in..😬
Great content… ex was a Narc and mentally and emotionally abuses our teenage. He responds with ‘pleasing’ responses… I try and reinforce‘boundaries’ and be grounded in his own reality!
Lots of love from Egypt to you Ross... ❤️❤️💐💐💐
Thank you!
This needs to be taught at schools! Not university, school. So Children realize that on time and get a chance to grow up healthy adults.
agree agree agree
I guess this country is pretty messed up. A lot of people (including me) experienced this in their childhood. Some became mean hateful narcissists, while others became saints and enjoyed helping others. I am the martyr type myself. An empath too. I enjoy being alone most of the time except I have my dog and cats and animal friends. I don't mind being me at all. My favorite thing to do is help others.
Thanks so much for sharing Christine.
You are making so much sense. I'm here because of narcisstic abuse. My question to myself is why did I put up with it 35 yrs... I've read enough about narcissism, where do I fit in... Thank you for this insight, extremely thought provoking... A
Thanks for listening. 🙏
To say thank you for your videos seems woefully inadequate!! I am watching every one and in today's video you could have subtitled it, me, Lisa Nelke 😮🥺🙏💘
Fascinating thank you so much
Glad you enjoyed it.
It’s like you got in my head and are able to see my past
Blow my mind!!!!!! This is so true!
Glad this video resonated with you.
My mother didn't want kids. She repeatedly told me how she aborted my older sibling but cudn't abort me due to increased cost. Also my paternal grandfather was inept because the herbs he gave her didn't work. I was her punching bag - mentally, physically, emotionally, socially, mentally financially - all areas
Marcia, same here! But we've survived against all odds!
Oh this fantasy of a perfect child which is supposed to make the parent/s happy is so true. This planet has a huge problem with forwarded trauma/ancestral trauma.
I’ve been asking myself where it came from because I was the Golden child of our borderline mother. I didn’t even know my Narcissistic Father was alive til I was 26 😓. I didn’t realize it’s not always a lack of affection, but it could be smothering and instability. My mother is chronically ill and moved us around all the time. There was always a’bad guy’ out to kill us and she drove us to dv shelters several times a year. I couldn’t keep friends because they didn’t trust me not to disappear to a different school.
Every word struck home, I was this child. This is a very insightful talk, it has to be given by one who surely experienced this. Thanks.
Thanks for sharing, and for watching. 🙏
This is soo me,my heart aches for myself and my inner child
You always clarify i appreciate you
Well shit. Thats me. Thats my childhood.
So number of this resonated and some of this. I am the adult child of an alcoholic mother. She was high functioning and very creative and painted over 100 paintings and I still have 100 of them in my apartment that never got sold since she died of liver cancer back in 1998 less than a month after my 17th birthday. My parents were not abusive. I was involved in sports ⚽️ basketball 🏀 baseball ⚾️ 🏈 in elementary school and middle school and choir and theater in high school But I had two older half brothers who were eight years and 10 years older than me and so in many ways I grew up as an only child. My mom and dad love me a lot, but I had to spend a lot of time entertaining myself by playing with Tonka trucks in the backyard and riding my bike and Exploring the neighborhoods around me and watching construction equipment. I had one good friend until fifth grade when I made another good friend. And then I had a lot of friends in high school theater because I could be myself
I am trying to learn more about creativity, and I am curious about how codependency and creativity work as different potentials in a person's psychological system.
@Julie Bucker I agree with what you said. What I mean is - i started to wonder if the situations that cause codependence might cause is to abandon creativity or to do the opposite and use creativity to come up with eays to cope - like if we use our skills trying to make up ways to placate an addict or narcissist, or make up other strategies to survive, like writing stories or living in a dream world to stay out of one we cannot successfully interact with. So, I don't want to say that one causes the other at all. I wonder what happens to the fanciful mind in a harsh, no-win situation. I think of Emily Bronte, her care of her alcoholic sibling, attendance of an abusive school, and her early creation of an imaginary kingdom. So, yeah.
@Julie Bucker I wish we were in a group discussion of this together. What fun to have a free exchange of ideas. I do think our society embodies this problem of imposing things on a large scale.
I have actually my many imaginary worlds, different personalities and it serves as coping skills from very early childhood.
But I am realizing that trauma cannot be skill building that I was never able to think of myself, my real likes and dislikes.
When you are no more able to escape from real issues you will surely have breakdown.
Oh my goodness.......... it's my life and the pathological loneliness is deafening and heart wrenching. God help me :'( My heart :'(
Ur English accent so clear n smooth 💗
The truth. It's not comfortable, but it's reality.
This saddens me to no end. I raised a son alone who is co-dependent. I may have my problems and by far am not perfect but I'm in no way a narcissist. Could there be other reasons this could happen? I've done a lot of soul searching to find the answer.
Of course there is another possible reason
The example of our parents could be the that reason
Let us not torture ourselfs
Jesus said : Fadher forgive them for they not know what they are doing “
He has the answer.
Lol, u know that's what literally almost all say, ..... especially the ones who are labeled or blamed for something, but I guess ? Everyone already knows this, I'm assuming.
I´ve seen this before. Hard to put into words.
It is not only the missing 2nd parent (i presume, its the father), which makes themselves feel less worthy than other children when comparing oneself to other families. the one parents behaviour & self-worth is copied to some extend, when evaluating oneselfs worth and standing in the world & how to be a accepted member under fellow humans.
Wish you the best, hope that helps, its not my language.
One of the best descriptions of the problems I ever heard
What's the solution? I am wanting to reverse this.
Covert Emotional Incest survivor here.
Please consider exploring Ross's resources and video seminars at: www.selfloverecovery.com/.
You may be interested in: www.selfloverecovery.com/collections/video-seminars-downloads/products/the-codependency-cure
Merci.
TRULY YOU ARE A GOD SEND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
being parented by a narcissist parent! Life is just not fair. Damaged for life. The NM's moods!
That explains YOUNG SHELDON: The oldest boy wants to emancipate early and start a family with an older woman. That is why the sister is largely quiet in the story. The focus on Sheldon takes away from the other kids AND the parents from each other. The siblings are neglected. Sheldon is high functioning but on the spectrum with either Autism or Asperger. So the parents are dealing with a super gifted child plus a spectrum kid. TY.
Painful and heartbreaking
I resonate with all of your videos. It almost scares me because it's as if you're describing me. I would like to get a therapist that specializes in codependency do you have any recommendations for Sacramento County.
Hi Susan, thanks for the support! Unfortunately, we cannot recommend a specific therapist. This other video may be helpful: th-cam.com/video/a8xtIr_5BKA/w-d-xo.html, or the guide Ross created to help find a good therapist: www.selfloverecovery.com/collections/video-seminars/products/the-buyers-guide-to-psychotherapy
Very interesting video 👍
Thanks for visiting.
This confused me because I’m the first born that watched my sister all the time and learned to cook and do stuff early . I was also molested by other people so I was very aware of everything early, but I didn’t become an overachiever or the best or very independent, I was and underachiever cause I had no confidence or thought it doesn’t matter and I became immature as I got older feeling like I was stuck as a kid, but I’m everything you described in a relationship. People pleaser everyone liked always smiling no matter what so why was my situation a little different. Also I’m gay and super sensitive so mother hated that and never let me express my feelings or validate them
I find your teaching and instruction insightful and invaluable. I also want to give you some constructive feedback, I've watched a couple of videos and so for both of them have somehow editing basically taking out dead space or filler words like um. Could you please some possibly just let the flow happen naturally? It's distracting to listen to as you can hear the cutouts, and especially hard to watch the visually when images and people's faces are jumping around on the screen. Hope that's not being selfish and sacrifice to direct! Thank you so much for all that you do!
Thank you so much for the feedback Megan! We are always trying to improve the quality of Ross's material. Cheers!
Yep. I lost my dad at 4yo. My mum said I was the man of the house and lumped all that responsibility on me and then my sister. She unintentionally forced me to grow up fast while babying my sister who has now an 'unadult' no job no prospects in life and no drive. She can function ok but has 0 drive or social skills to the point of taking 6 months to reply to a message. I had to learn about being a man by myself and never had a single positive male role model in my life. This didn't set me up very well as far as relationships go as I never had a refrence for what healthy relationships look like.
Thank you so much for sharing.
Thank you so much Ross.
It's like someone understand my early childhood.
And after all this time I can have an logical explaintion, why he changed so quickly to a monster.
I wrote him an farewell letter with 11, because he gaved me a book, where I read buddhist burned themself for demonstration against the war, I really don't remember exactly, but it gaves me this crazy idea. I wanted to kill myself, because I hoped maybe he realise, that my siblings need my mum and parents, who are there and not all this stuff to be a happy family. He found the letter before I was able to kill myself.
But after this, everything changed for me, it was like he hated me and he punished me. He never physical abused me before 11, but after that it was like he tried to break me. And he did things to my siblings and my mum. I had to hate him and fight back, if I didn't want that he hurt them.
And I still don't understand after all this, after everything he did to me, why I'm not able to hate him, why I still care.
I only able to stop caring, when I know nothing about him, look away. Move in another city. I do everything, so he is not able to contact me. I also stoped the contact to my siblings, if they do and try to explain me, that our childhood is over and he is diffrent now.
I just don't want to see him anymore. I need to.
Good job summing up my life 😅❤
Ross you are the Boss just the loud music low audio is kinda crazy. WOW that woke me up.
Well neighbours woke up also. LMAO.
A child needs absolute unconditional love from birth until 3 .
Hmmmm, Im definitely co-dependent BUT I 100% did NOT have disordered parents. I was well loved, nurtured, and emotionally supported. Yes, my parents were appropriately critical, but also extremely loving.
A quick question: In what order do you recommend using your material from your website? Which program should be purchased first for effective recovery? If you could please mention the order for learning your material, it will help in streamlining. Also if you can elaborate on the method or 'How' to work with your material so that it is most effective.
Thank you very much.
Thank you for the questions! Ross's video seminars are educational tools loaded with helpful information that can be useful for independent self-help work. The seminars are better to be used together with therapy, but in the absence of it, they have been proven to be very helpful. Ross always recommends to start with The Codependency Cure. It is a very complete seminar, with the presentation of the SLDD/SLA pyramids, Ross’s definition of codependency as Self-Love Deficit Disorder, and a first review of the 10 stages. This is the recommended order to watch them: www.selfloverecovery.com/collections/video-seminars-downloads
Dr Ross i suppose you are familiar with the dysfunctionality of families that it gets “inherited” to coming
Generations, in my therapy I did a family tree, trying to identify all the violence osychological, dysfunctions, etc,
And this does affect us if no one stops the circle.
This other video may be helpful: "stop passing the baton" th-cam.com/video/fYzLYO2lT-Q/w-d-xo.html
Actual my mom said she didn’t want us until after we were born. Then she loved us she said
How would one differentiate between codependency and quiet bpd?
I wish I knew this when I was a kid.
Omg thank you
Thanks for listening.
I got goosebumps
Can someone tell me what
EMM stands for please?
I'm going to have to watch this again because i'm a little dumb struck atm😮
Know this well. Years of living this and coming to the end of life, I wonder if anyone can heal from this. I have tried everything. To see me is to see the damage thinking you are or deserve to be unloved. As I watch and experience the need for love, my own love for myself seems impossible . Circles.
Thanks for sharing. Please consider exploring Ross's resources to help you: www.selfloverecovery.com/
Spellbinding.I learn how to walk without emotional crutches.That was my life up to this point , still walking my mom through her marriage and child trauma while she struggles to be an adult.She treated me badly as a child ***emotional incest.omg😐
Truth 🎓🎓🎓to Roots
Can this be prevented if I notice this in a child right now???
Hi all
PEOPLE NEED TO GET A LICENSE TO HAVE CHILDREN, THEY REALLY DO, BECAUSE PARENTS CAN SCREW UP THEIR CHILDREN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wow. 🤯
Can't be there, Europe timeline... 😞
I don't know if I am that child but my kid does as she wants. She is not conditioned at all.
Toxic mother syndrome ~ it it ever fair to blame the father?
Sons and daughters tied to mother's apron strings, then trying to break free, or scared of breaking free?
This is me.
Wow !
😳 whoa triggering! On more than one level.
Oh my god it’s me
Wow
Not sure i agree. I have been codependent. Neither parent abusive addictive or particularly nassacitic. However I was brought up in post war England, rationing still in place and emotionally repressive. I assumed I was simply emotional constipated. My career greatly benefitted from my lack of emotion and problrm solving abilities. But alas 65 years of career re-enforement has left me with no significant internal emotions.
What does that EMM mean