Amazing video. To me being adopted means having two sets of parents. Adoptive parents need to understand no matter how great a life you've given to your adopted child, a piece of them is missing. To adoptive parents out there - let your adopted kids know it's okay to feel sad, it's okay to long for your birth parents, and it's okay to find them. It wasn't until I searched for my birth mother that I discovered how much i actually longed for her. Sadly, once I found her she already passed away. It's not easy being adopted. My hope is that I can allow my adopted daughter the space and support to make sense of her story.
I am an adoptee. When I read about adoptive mothers like yourself who UNDERSTAND - I can't tell you how much that means to me. Amazingly, there are adoptive mothers who are not adoptees and still understand, too. Best of luck to you and your lucky daughter.
To Tracy: so sorry you did not get to see your mother I do hope you found other family members who could share memories and photos of her (I realise this is far from ideal) but hope you found some things out to complete your puzzle of an adoptees life chain :) health love and light to you (the gal from oz)
I just want to sit down and have coffee with all of these incredible people. As an adoptee, I wish I had more adoptees to talk about our experiences with.
So good to hear fellow adoptee's sharing their real adoption experience and dispelling the attitude we should all be grateful. We adoptees feel what we feel, and no amount of public opinion or suggestion will change that. Thank you to the participants of this video for sharing your personal truths.
It's okay to be ungrateful for having everything. That way you can be THE SAME as every other ungrateful non-adopted child society rightfully mocks. Why should adopted kids be any different?
The Gotcha Day really hit a spot with me. My mom used to celebrate it every year even though I used to tell her all the time, I didn't want to celebrate it. It hurt because it made that day uncomfortable and it hurt because I wasn't respected enough by my mom for her to listen. The not knowing where I belong also really made a lot of sense to me.
Thank you for sharing this. As an adoptive parent, I greatly appreciate your perspective. I hear a lot of "what not to do" in this and other videos, but not very much "what to do". Would love some advice from adoptees on what TO do to make sure our adopted children feel loved, accepted, and secure while not overlooking their loss.
As a adoptee and a realist I realize that in some certain situations adoption is unfortunately necessary. Kinship caregivers for children needing a home would be my first choice then if the child wants to be adopted then it would be their choice. Traci, the best thing you can do for your adopted children is to try to reconnect them if possible and 8f they want to their bio parents and extended families. It wouldn't mean you would loose your children and be less of a mom to them. You would actually gain a incredible amount of respect from your children because it would mean you understand the Primal wound and their adoption trauma. Read The Primal Wound. It is the adoptees bible so to speak. Also check out some videos on TH-cam by Jeanette Yoffe. She is a adoption psychotherapist and also a adoptee. I believe you can also find her by Jeanette-ically. She can better explain all the DO's with the don'ts.
Adoption has terrible consequences for the child. Do not ask the child to understand, they will not, be absolutely honest, yeah don't adopt. Children need to stay in touch with real siblings and family rather than being totally alone when the adopted family doesn't want them anymore. Open dialogue with the child and family about this.
@@mylalababy666 There are always other care paths, i.e. foster care, guardianship for a child who becomes an adult without stealing their identity, without cancelling their birth certificate and legally severing them from family for life - I see no situation which would require adoption - how can any child have enough life experiences or be fully informed as to the lifelong consequences of adoption to make an informed decision - most adults are not informed enough to make an informed decision
Hi, what about international adopting ? Adopting an orphan, from the third world countries , that have a mortality rate of 60%? I love open adoptions,and why not keeping their name as well ?@PeterMoore
They could have been biten by flies and mosquitoes and eaten alive by rats in the dumpter their LOVING but poor, but teenage, but drug user parents left them in. But militant adoptees don't WANT TO admit that birth parents can, a lot of the time, be HORRIFIC NIGHTMARE PARENTS.
As an adoptee, I was made to feel that my feelings didn't matter. It was about what everyone else needed from me. As a mother, I wasn't really needed, or important, because I didn't matter. I was replaceable anyway. I felt that was my fate. Never had the tools to understand how what happened to me affected my life. To be able to understand my trauma, so to not let it cause me to make poor decisions, and hurt other people that I truly love.
wish i would have found out it wasn't just all in my head . know i look back at my own identity and dont know how much is me or what i built up as a coping method. and im trying to explain it to my birth mother who i just meet.and i cant seem to word and i dont know if im trying to get past the pain or I don't want say something wrong and lose her again. and my adoptive parents were nothing but loving and put up with a world of bs from me .which i have to give them that ,but it never made that feeling of emptiness in the m soul go away . And if you never felt it , you really dont know what its like . great video thanks
My daughter placed my grandson about 8 months ago. It is so difficult to deal with peoples negative reactions. People act like because she chose to place him we are not allowed to grieve nor are we allowed to miss him. We are lucky that it is a open placement and my dream for him to one day know how much we love him that he was not discarded but placed in a wonderful home to give him the best life. Thank you for your courage and your stories
Such a powerful message. We need to listen and open up more to the voices of adult adoptees. We need to support, encourage and LISTEN those who have been adopted in order to best serve the adoption community as a whole. They don't have a single message, they aren't all wonderful, they aren't all bad, but we need to listen to all of them. Yes, I celebrate adoption because it has expanded my family, but there has been a loss there and I hope that others realize that as well. We do not celebrate any sort of "gotcha day". When you parent, you look for advice, perspective and guidance. It is time to start seeking that perspective from people who have experience with it.
Brilliant! Please let your voices be heard! I'm adopted. I adopted my son. I'm a HUGE orphan advocate with my own organization, Orphan World Relief. So I gave myself a voice and platform to speak from... but not all children or adult adoptees have the same platform. This video is well done and covers a great many voices... but no MALE voices! That opens up a different perspective not represented here. I'm proud of who I've become, but the struggle was HUGE for a good deal of my life.
I've wanted to adopt all my life but this video has me seriously reconsidering. Highly doubt I would after seeing this. I didn't know it was so horrible being adopted. I hope all the women in this video find peace.
If you REALLY want to adopt I'd recommend adopting a child who truly has been abandoned. Adopt a child whose parent's parental rights were surrendered. Don't try to find a perfect little girl to try and convince her to turn her baby over to you. I can't believe the people who want to adopt and cry about a woman who "changes her mind." Biologically MOST women WANT to raise the children they give birth to. Instead of celebrating a natural process, potential adoptive parents grieve that they don't get what they want. There are children out there whose parents are dead or who have signed over their parental rights. Adoption should be about giving a child a loving home who has none.
I know adoption is a difficult process, and more grueling with few kittens and rainbows than others, and some of these women certainly sounded like they’d put a great deal of thoughtfulness into their contributions. However, tbh some of them just sounded bratty. And it’s terrible that they would “flip the script” in a direction that would DISCOURAGE people from adopting. There are already more kids in need of - and desperately wanting - a family to adopt them than there are families that are willing to. Speak to a local adoption worker. Volunteer at a Heart Gallery event and meet some of these kids. They don’t all feel the way some of these women do.
@gt345 not able to judge the claims someone makes because they’re “traumatized?” That’s called manipulation. There’s a big difference between bratty and trauma. Ungrateful, complaining, accusations over perceived slights? Bratty.
@@t.j.7789 completely agree. Is parenting about “getting to be a parent” or about “getting to give a child what they need.” Very big difference and very often adoption is just about what adults want; not what kids need. Not always, of course. I known many people that are adopted who had fantastic, loving parents. My husband and I have a group of five sisters and we talk about/ pray for their first mom & dad all the time. The severing of biological families, no matter how terrible the parents may be, is still devastating for kids, even into adulthood.
@gt345 Do you know what an apologist is? It's someone who provides a reasonable explanation or defense of something that there's disagreement over. Since I was talking about the alleged "victims" as opposed to the alleged"abusers" you can't accuse me of "giving exclamation or defense "for the abusers. But go ahead and just keep throwinh ad hominems instead of actually comprising an argument 👍🏼
One question I always get is "so are you going to go and find your "real" parents" and I'm like we I don't need to I live with them. What you mean to ask is will is go and find my birth parents.
As someone in reunion for the last three years, I find the very concept of “real parents” so, so offensive. ALL of my parents are my “real” parents, in different ways. I don’t have “fake” parents. I have biological parents, adoptive parents, and “birth-step-parents” (for lack of a better term). I have biological half-siblings, and adoptive siblings. They are all “real”. They aren’t fake people. They exist. We have different relationships. None of it is “fake”.
Thank you SO much for this video! As an aunt adoptee, I've often wondered why adoption campaigns and ads don't have adoptee voices, why only proud new parents with their new "prize" smiling big happy smiles... It sounds bad or bitter, but it's painful.
Wow Angela, your commentary is so profound and hits the nail on the head. Our thoughts are so complex and definitely not easy to understand, and it is really heartbreaking that so many do not want to hear what we have to say and are uncomfortable when we say it. And the last thing we want to do is make anyone uncomfortable, and so many of use choose silence. Thank you for all you do.
Wow! Watching this is bringing up so many emotions for me! I was also adopted. I was adopted as a baby (at 3 months) and thankfully, I was told all my life about it and was free to talk about it or ask questions. My parents didn't have a lot of answers to give, however, as it was a closed adoption. I never overtly felt like I was abandoned but eventually, I ended up asking my mom to help me find my birth family. It took me becoming severely ill with an illness the doctors couldn't figure out and were therefore constantly asking me about family history. We had one paragraph about my birth mother and her side of the family. That was it. At that point, we reached out and found her and to make a super complex and long story short, she wanted me and was supposedly so excited we had found each other and wanted me to move closer etc but then *poof* she couldnt deal with her emotions and stuff on her side and she didn't want me around anymore. This time, I WAS abandoned. I was thrown away. Now, I do feel that pain. I still love my sister and brother and my aunts and uncles. I love my birth mother in a really different and also complex way. I also feel like this for my birth father who doesn't even know I exist! Can you imagine, men who are reading this, that you could have an adult "child" out there- who could look like you and want to meet you & love you and you don't even have a clue! I think that was really unfair of her to do to him.... I do NOT however, love my birth mother or birth father anywhere near how I love my mom and dad. They are my family and always be. LOVE IS THICKER THAN BLOOD sometimes! Anyways.... Listening to these other ladies talk is like a light bulb moment. It's crazy because I never thought others felt like this and also there are topics I hadn't really thought of yet but listening to them blows my mind and I can't seem to figure out how to express my feelings from watching this! I wish I could give all of those ladies a huge hug and talk to them! I wish we COULD flip the script! Sorry this is so long- I didn't mean for it to be, but... wow.... the parts about people saying those things to us about how wonderful our parents are and how lucky we were is spot on! Those comments are so full of crap! I know some ppl who were adopted who ended up severely abused and having horrible lives. It also sends the message that all of my accomplishments are not my own doing- but happened because of my saint parents who adopted me! I worked my ass off for things! For example, I was just named valedictorian for my graduating class in university- with a 3.98 GPA while living with several chronic and severe, life threatening illnesses and disabilities.... are you meaning to say that I only accomplished these things because of my parents? That's crap! My parents don't care about that- they love me but we have had our ups and downs like any family with a "child" with health issues (I was 19 when I got sick and stuff) They had A very minimal role in these accomplishments. When you say those comments, you are taking everything I accomplished away! It's like that lady who's family were mad at her for taking on her birth last name. I think some in my family would be pissed at me too! But they shouldn't take that away from her! It was important to her to take it back on and they took that joy and those feelings that she deserved and earned, away from her! 😐 I dogress, sorry. I am just feeling a tidal wave of feelings from watching this video and hearing these ladies. Thank you so much for doing this video!
My husband and I are going through foster process to adopt. Adoption has always been something I have felt the calling to do since I was very young but I have never been exposed to it as much as I have in the past couple of years and I'm 31. I like this video and others because I want to know what my child will be thinking and feeling. I know that every child is different but I rather get a good wide variety then be oblivious. Every new thing is so alien to me but I am quickly learning. I don't expect my child to ever love me like I will or to fully accept us as his/her family (because now I see whit all of your voices what is real) but I know that it will never matter because I will love them unconditionally until the day I die. If they see me as a friend I will be most blessed by even that small gesture. So I'm ready for the storm.
@@forgottonbabyforgottendeca1483 she said something so gracious, so compassionate, yet you STILL smack her down? What else can you describe these adoptees feelings and behaviors except a storm, yet she is still willing to give a good home and potentially one sided love? Yet for you, that’s a negative? She’s acknowledging their feelings which is what you all say you want. Then you criticize! Shame on you!
9 years had passed so my question now does your child think the same as the women stated in the video? I don't think so because every person is different.
I'm glad i was adopted as the alternative would have been much worse. My birth mother couldn't keep me, so it would have been children's homes or fostering which would have probably finished me off. I was a relatively happy child but had some deep darkness inside from all the unanswered questions i had. It's very isolating having no-one around that you're genetically connected with. My adopted parents were great but i really don't think they had a clue on what depths of emotion i had at times. They also had 2 of their own children, which despite their best attempts, were definitely favoured. I just wanted to be normal, not the 'adopted' show cased child. I needed a lot more information on why i was adopted and photos to see where i came from. It's the mystery of it that is so mind consuming. I have met my birth mother and got most of my answers. We get on well but the bond is not as strong as with my mum that brought me up. I feel awkward all round really but they all seem to handle it quite well.
So important for prospective adoptive parents to listen to adoptees. We share this video with participants in our family planning courses so they learn from what you have to say. Thanks for this.
I loved hearing all of these adoptee voices. Thank you so much. I had to tell my Mom that I didn’t want a card from her anymore on my arrival day. Because I didn’t share the same joy that she did. I had to gently inform her that that was also the day that I forever lost my connection to my Mother and country. She hasn’t sent a card since or mentioned it. I also had to bring up that my biological mother suffered a loss, while she gained. And that she should recognize her and be thankful to her as well. She did. And that was probably only time she spoke of my biological mother into existence other than telling me she couldn’t afford to raise me. Such simplistic narratives we’re left with.
Wow. I have needed to hear these conversations. I am adopted and have a hard time trying to explain how it feels to be an adoptee. I have been having to listen to my parents story and only their story about my adoption. I habe never had a voice about how it feels. My adopted family become extremely offended if I ever speak up, so I had chosen to silence myself. What struck me about this video was when one of the women mentioned that we are told our life before our adoption was in the past so it should be left there. I have never been able to accept this. The members of my family all are all genetically related to one another. They have no clue how it feels to be in a room full of "family" knowing that you do not share the same DNA with anyone in that room. They don't realize that there is a possibility that we may never know how it feels to be next to just one person who we share genes with. They take that for granted then expect us to leave our past in the past. One cannot ignore that and leave it behind.
I'm adopted as well and I struggle with that feeling of connection as well... It is so so difficult to navigate through. I really hope that things have gotten easier for you❤️
Thank you for sharing😊 For me it feels like they trash talk my real family, my genes. Especially my adoptive mother did this, but I think she did it intentionally because she felt threatened by it. My older adoptive brother and her sees it as a betrayal that I want to know more. He doesn't care about being adopted, it hurts that they won't let me be myself and have contact with my half siblings without them reacting like that. Like I have to choose. I'm sorry for rambling, I'm just tired of the narrative are mostly seen from the adoptive parents view rather than the biological mother/father and adoptees. I love this video❤️
@michellelowe7127 In my experience as an adult adoptee , adoption issues follow us around for life. Two things have helped me understand and come to terms with it , are Transactional Analysis & the book "Coming Home to Self" by Nancy Newton Verrier. With best wishes for all in the adoption triad
Wow how insightful. After watching this video, I have decided not to adopt anymore. I have been doing tons of research but this is it for me. If sounds like it's almost a crime taking care of someone's child. Thanks foe sharing
It's great that this group of adult adoptees has gotten together to raise their collective voices and speak about their experiences, thoughts, and feelings regarding adoption. What I found problematic was the assertion made my one of the participants regarding adoptive parents' capacity for loving adopted and biological children the same way. I have adopted and biological children, and no one, other than me, is equipped to talk about my experiences or capacity for love. We are all different people, some of us have common experience, but no two people are the same, or view the world the same way, or react to their circumstances equally. So, please, when you are talking about your experience, refrain from attempting to speak in overarching general terms! You may not love your adopted child the same as your biological children, but the same does not hold true for me and many other adoptive parents.
I could not agree with this more, as an adoptive mom. That line made me very sad - I know it's possible for people to feel this way, and some do, but to me that's a sign that maybe they weren't fully emotionally equipped to care for an adopted child, not a reflection of the normal relationship between adoptive parents and kids. I would hate for my children to read this and think that is how most parents feel, because it truly isn't.
To lamenena & to the small things as an adoptee bought up in a family of 2 natural kids and 1 adopted (me) it really hurt what that lady said however I respected it's her feelings however I kind of wondered why she adopted in the first place she felt this way?! For me as anaadoptee my 2 step children I love them unconditionally and I could not love them anymore if I tried (even if they don't feel the same way) anyway lol thanks to you both health love and light to you both and all your family and friends (fee the gal from oz)
I'm not a woman but I fail to see how you couldn't feel differently about a life force that grew from and in you versus a child that did not. On the simple basis of DNA and biology there would be a special bond, not to mention mental and spiritual characteristics. I was raised by very simple creatures that tried to play that game too but please do not insult me by suggesting I couldn't very obviously and intuitively feel and see the difference between their birth child and myself. As an adoptee I developed an almost sixth sense to perceive the very thing I was missing that other families and my own adoptive family shared. Familiar and parental bonds. Perhaps the lack of spirituality is why western culture so readily and easily participates in adoption without considering these things.
I think she was speaking from her personal experience because she said she is both an adoptee and an adoptive mom. I don't think she is meaning to assert that all adoptive parents feel the same way she does. I think she only means that the common narrative told about loving all children the same is not the only narrative and not her experience. I also don't think she's saying she loves her adoptive or biological children any less than the other. I think she's just talking about how for her it is different. Not necessarily less. She might feel love for her children differently and it may be nuanced but I don't think she's saying she loves any of her children less than the others. I think some adoptive parents do have days where they don't necessarily like or feel the lovey feelings for their child. It doesn't mean they don't truly love them out can't continue to love them in actions when the feelings aren't all there. I know some can struggle when parenting is particularly hard and they are weary. That doesn't mean they are not capable adoptive parents. Though she doesn't say that this is what she's talking about I know others have felt such feelings on hard days. I think her point is that she feels there are more perspectives and stories and it's not all the same for everyone. I don't think she meant that her experience is that of all adoptive parents or that others shouldn't say they love all their kids the same.
Bryan, again, thank you so very much for this work. You let our voices be heard bravely, honestly and widely. It is always a pleasure to work with you!
It never come to my mind that adoption can be a challenging to both adoptive parents and adopted child. I thought when someone take them home provide them love care protection shelter food clothing and security would change their life and them better because there are so many homeless children longing to have a roof over their heads wish someone could provide them but it's not so. Human life is so complicated.
Many thanks to all of you who had the courage and insight to produce this and to "flip the switch." I am the parent of two adoptees who welcomes this discussion for the benefit of all parties.
BLADY HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE SAY OH YOUR SO LUCKY OH U WERE CHOSEN IM LIKE FUCK U YOUR FUCKING LUCKY YOU NEVER FELT MY LOSS OR SUFFERED MY TRAUMA NOR HAVE U SUFFERED MY ADOPTION TORMENT ON A DAILY BASIS THANK YOU FOR GETTING US ADOPTEES NOTICED & HEARD I LOVE U
It was very emotional for me to hear what adoptees are saying because this is what my grandson will say in a few years. He is Brazilian/American adopted by a Mexican couple who is now divorced and living in poverty. The social workers gave him away because they said that as a grandmother I had no rights and because they had promised "a baby" to this woman who could not have kids.
Is there a "lost sons" version? As the father of a son, I would love to hear from male adult adoptees. Not that I can't learn anything from these women - I can, and did. I'm just wondering where all of the men are.
Exactly, the past will be your future! I wish all of you adoptees all of the best in your futures with your bio families, please reach out to them if you haven't yet ...time is so precious
@sherisetodd591 yes, but may be the exact opposite!! Alot of birthmothers/birth fathers dream of the moment that they FINALLY meet their precious long lost child!!
@@delicatemoves123 then at least some will have closure about the whole thing. Then there is some that the bio parents dream that they do FINALLY meet them!
Adoptees have had many diverse experiences, good and bad, although almost ALL of us have a curiosity about our biological family. Adoption can be good, but it also begins with a negative experience for both the mother and infant. It may go on to be great, but it may not. Our feelings should be validated not put down, or told that we are ungrateful because we have feelings that non-adoptive children don't have. I believe as one woman said here, an adoptive child is not the same as a biological child to the adoptive parent or the adoptee. "She loved you so much she gave you away", wwwhaaa???! All of these statements are so very important for adoptive parents to try to be open to and understand because they are real and true! Please listen to your adopted children, their feelings are valid!
+Voice of Adam; If you have only/ever felt, a sense of belonging & security, from your adoptive family, which is what I think your saying?... then you're probably right in saying you find nothing to relate to in this video. Because it either doesn't relate to you at all, & maybe never will; or it just doesn't relate to you yet, based on your current level of consciousness. You can then relax, & celebrate & rejoice in your good fortune, & in the knowledge that you ARE loved. But many adult adoptees were either abused, or haunted by memories of a former life, or traumatised in/by the foster care system, etc. Many were adopted thru closed adoption. Some were international adoptions, which I imagine, at least in some of those cases, if not all, that it would make finding their birth family, if they chose to search for them, that much more difficult to locate. All of which can & does cause trauma. It causes attachment disorders, seperation/ anxiety disorders, etc. And when you're going around carrying around trauma, that no one around you is either aware of/ or can relate to/ or cares to acknowledge, that can be a very lonely place indeed. That is what this video is about. The feelings of others that get projected onto us growing up as adoptees, like word vomit. Insensitive & even cruel things that people say, (or do), to an adopted child, that get internalised because they have no way to filter it, or understand it, until they get older. These women are just trying to create change, where change is due. For instance, the laws surrounding closed adoption should have been changed by now. It's outrageous to make it so hard for an adult adoptee to find their birth family in this era. It's continuing to treat them like a child with no rights. It's antiquated, & it's inhumane. Every human should have the right to know their origin. But only those who were raised in their birth families, or those who've been through open adoption, are granted that right. So as I see it, they are not being ungrateful, or trivializing "unconditional love", or saying or doing anything, that should be offensive to anyone. They are simply speaking their truth, their story, their offense to things that they feel needs to be addressed, because they've woken up to some of what's been going on, but never felt like they had a voice to be heard before. Outrage toward government, & towards peoples insensitive attitudes & behaviour. Blessings & Peace to you.
Thank you so much for shining a light on a side of adoption that is often silenced. My husband and I are considering adopting in the future and I've been seeking out stories from adoptees and also biological family sides of the adoption narrative. Adoption is not all about the adoptive parents.
As a birth mother who gave my 3rd child up for adoption at birth, I never thought about this side of the issue. My birth son won't speak to me. It's just something I have to accept. I wish him the absolute best of everything and I will die dealing with my own broken heart. 💔
Transracial late discovery adoptee here and I DESPERATELY needed this!!! If anyone knows of a good group to join for community, PLEASE share. I just found out at 32, 10 years ago, and I JUST started searching. I feel SO ALONE.
I hate to be the voice of dissent, nor do I want to disparage or trivialize the very real feelings and experiences that others have dealt with and are continuing to deal with, but as an adoptee, I found very little common ground with anyone in this video. I never felt any sense of abandonment or loss at having been separated from my biological parents. I've never felt deprived for not having any meaningful connection with them, and I've never been anything other than happy that they did what they felt was best for me (and for themselves) in giving me over to a family that was better able to care and provide for me than they themselves would have been. And I've never, NEVER, felt that my adoptive parents ever loved me any differently than my brother, their biological child... and I have to say that I'm more than a little horrified to see the idea of unconditional parental love written off as part of a false "narrative." Please be aware that I'm not trying to invalidate the experiences of anyone who had the courage to speak in this video, nor of the multitudes of others with whom it may resonate. But I feel that, in trying to combat the effects of having one monolithic narrative, the video seems to be trying to replace it with another that could be just as harmful. So I wanted to add my own voice here, unwelcome as it might be, in saying that not everyone who was adopted has had to deal with deep-seated emotional hardship. My parents were always open with me about my adoption and I was never discouraged from talking with them or anyone else about it, and I have never been considered - by me, by my parents, or by anyone else - to be anything more or less than a normal, full-fledged member of the family to which I am a part. And I honestly wouldn't have it any other way.
Voice of Adam, I completely love that you replied here. By voicing your story, you are lending your voice in the collective that is Flip the Script. Flip the Script is not anti-adoption, but pro-adoptee. For a little more on my views, feel free to read and please comment on my blog: mothermade.blogspot.com/2013/01/the-road-taken.html
Voice of Adam As a fellow adoptee, I validate your right to speak your truth, even if it does not agree with #flipthescript. Please note; however, that nobody in the video implied or stated that "unconditional parental love is a false narrative". I know many of these ladies did receive unconditional love from their parents. No need to feel horrified by adoptees raising their voices in response to the very loud and same old script we hear during National Adoption Awareness Month.
I could have written exactly what you wrote and believed it with all of my heart until the day the fog lifted and the Kool-aid stopped flowing. I never gave adoption a second thought either until that moment . The feelings of loss were overwhelming and I learned that most first families do not want to give up their child even me. I did not even thing my own mother was real, just a woman I could hide inside of me. The pain was overwhelming I and I understood why I had hidden it from myself for so long. Things also started making sense and adoption was the culprit. Good luck
I was adopted as well and you bring up valid points. I too never felt those feelings until AFTER I went and found my birth mother (which was ONLY done to see if they could shed any light on a serious illness I was suddenly dealing with and was constantly being asked for "family history"). After I met her, I originally had an amazing time... until she out of the blue decided she wanted nothing to do with me anymore. Just like that. That's when I felt the pain and abandonment type feelings. Thankfully my mom and dad were there to comfort me and I can call them and talk to them about these feelings (which I am still dealing with 13 years later)... Anyways, I just wanted to tell you that I understand and support some of the things you said AND some of the ones these ladies said as well. You phrased your comment so politely and I really respect the way you wrote your comment. Kuddos to you because so many people are the opposite of you ;) 😉
Moxie & Alyssa D Oh Moxie (said with hugs), No one should enter reunion without counseling (Lots of luck finding professionals that can help). That includes our birth family getting help. It is such a horrible thing to do to have to give up your kid. Have you ever noticed the rich do not give up their kids.They never have to make a adopting plan. They get to make a parenting plan. Are you crazy to give up your kid or does giving up your kid make you crazy. Peace fellow adoptee.
I am adopted. It definitely isn't easy. I think adoption on its own is not bad if done right. I think it often is more based on money than the kids or bo families.
This is an important narrative. Keep the conversation going from adoptee point of view. I have been a foster care mom for a few years and am learning more about the grief and loss from the children’s perspective . It is real and needs to be acknowledged .
I greatly respect every point of view in this video as well as the comment section. As the mother of an adopted son would it be appropriate of me to ask a few questions? After watching this I am worried that my son is never going to be whole even though we have a fully open arrangement with his biological family, both sides. Many of them are even coming to his 2nd birthday party, from biological grandparents to aunts and siblings. Someone in the comments section mentioned that they weren't grateful for being adopted even though they loved their family. They said that instead of adoption they wish that someone would have helped their mother keep them. I mean no disrespect but how do you "love" your adoptive family if you wish that you were never a part of their family? Another adoptee said that adoption is a cruel separation of a child from his/her mother. :'( That totally breaks my heart. So if all of this is true, should we have tried to convince our son's biological mother to keep him even though she didn't think that she could handle another child? Loving a child, wanting a child and handling the responsibility for a child are completely separate issues. Our son's biological mother is the single mother of a six year old son. Though she loves all of her children very much, she placed a daughter two years before our son was born, she didn't feel like that she could care for more than one child. Her reasons weren't just financial, she didn't think that she could physically or emotionally handle more than one child. She told us that she isn't a patient person and has never been very good with kids. She expressed to us how important it was to her that the children she placed are in stable, patient, nurturing and loving homes. Some argue that "If she doesn't want more children then she shouldn't be having them." but I'm just going to say that it isn't my place to judge her actions. I never want my son to feel like he was EVER unwanted or unloved. I want him to KNOW that his biological mother and father did want him, but her desire that he have more stability outweighed that. I know of several situations where people were convinced and helped to keep their children after considering adoption and things turned out badly. In one case the mother ended up losing her children to the foster system because she was neglectful of them. Another mother resented the child for her lost freedom and never felt closely bonded. I know that there are many cases where the mothers are coerced or even forced to give up their children and that is terribly wrong, but the majority of the ones I have met chose the option themselves. I wiped the tears of my son's biological mother and hugged her as she cried and kissed his sweet face in the hospital. She said she could never have let him go if she hadn't been absolutely sure it was the best thing for him. I KNOW she loves him and wanted him, she just couldn't handle the responsibility of raising him. Raising a child is quite possibly the most difficult job a person can undertake, and while it is also likely the most rewarding, it is not something that everyone can or should do or is something that someone should limit themselves on. Every story is different but what can I do, if anything, to make sure my son never feels the way these beautiful ladies feel? Is blood really so strong as to negate everything my husband and I do? I would be devastated and heartbroken if our son one day chose to change his last name. We gave him that name as a gift, out of love, and hope he will be proud to own it, honor it, and respect it. No we aren't heroes for adopting a child, we certainly aren't saints, but like most adoptive parents we love our child and are forever thankful for him. It's not all love that adoptive parents give, they also sacrifice parts of themselves for the well being of their child just as any parent would. They give their time and energy, both physically and emotionally, as well as their love. They do the best they can with what they have and know and are going to make mistakes sometimes.
Recoradyn I greatly appreciate your comment. I wanted to adopt with my now ex husband (but best friend) and I am so glad I didn’t ... that said, I do plan on fostering because I want to help have a loving safe home for those taken away. I do have a different mentality after seeing this 2 years ago. I want to help moms keep their babies but if the moms have no desire to keep their children then I will work with the social workers to place them in loving homes like yours. I won’t lie, this video was a big factor in my decision to step away from adopting. BUT I feel the calling to help children and I have the patience and the love and the financial means to care and foster. Thank you again for your comment.
Thank you for your comment. Ethically, I do believe that we should encourage family preservation. It’s the best arrangement. Have you read the primal wound? It talks about how separation from ones mother evokes a sense of ptsd in infancy. That is why we don’t feel “whole.” It’s not bc we aren’t loved or happy. It’s bc this chronic condition isn’t addressed adequately
I was adopted by a wonderful family. I've always stated my real parents are my mother and father who took me home, loved me and raised me. I never liked it when I would tell people I was adopted and they would then refer to my REAL parents as the biological ones. I always felt awful that people would say that. My parents are the ones who raised me. That's it. My parents earned the respected titles of Mother and Father. I'm crying as I write this. My unconditional love is for my adoptive family. So many of them passed away and I miss them more than anything.
I'm happy that for the first time after the hundreds of videos I've watched trying to listen adoptees experiences someone said that leaving a baby is NOT an act of love. I feel tired of listening this. How come leaving your baby is considered an act of love?! It sounds to me as giving an excuse to the act of leaving the child instead of trying to fight for him. Then you see tons of comments saying that she's a hero for leaving the baby. Also many adoptive parents raise the children with the belief that they have to love the birth mum and to be thankful to her because of the great act of love she did by leaving him. As for me this is harmful. Love is fighting for your child and trying to overcome any difficulties you have.
The leave your past in the past also was something my ex-husband used to say to me, it used to hurt so bad, I just wanted someone to try and understand. Adoption is a blessing and a curse.
This is fantastic. Thank you so refreshing. I feel as an adoptee I am fighting this type of force that is out there...stigma, judgmental thoughts, insecurities, etc that try to shh the adoptees own thoughts. I feel like I have been encountering a great community out there of people who get it. Why can't we just talk honestly? And empower all sides of the coin, adoptees, birth families and adopted families? An adoptee should be raised out of love, complete love. Otherwise why are you adopting in the first place? Anyways thanks for the great video. I completely agree I think work needs to be done to work towards healthy adoptions. And many of the voices that are out there are speaking not knowing fully what its like. I think these types of voices such as in the video need to be more heard along with adopted parents sides of course. But a quote I have heard, is ..it is the child thats in the middle. So maybe we should question who's voice it is that gets heard the most?
What A wonderful Perspective!! You all are among the brightest woman I have ever had the honor of hearing, but also thank you all for sharing your story. You have truly effected me and I have learned from this. Keep up the BRAVERY!!
Everyone has a right to their blood history and their heritage. Hiding this or obscuring this information from adopted people is a human rights violation, in my opinion. .
Heyyyyy guys this is sooooooo cool, I guess what we as adoptees are screaming inside for is to be heard TO BE ACKNOWLEDGED IN WHAT IS RATHER THAN THE RUBBISH LANGUAGE WHICH IS SO OFTEN USED !!!!!!! Yayyy I feel so liberated watching you all talk about how YOU ALL FEEL !!!! Awesomeness you all rock thank you health, love and light to all (the gal from oz)
Hey Fiona McInnes, I've always thought about adopting but I'm not so sure about it now that I've researched more on adoption. I'm now thinking of sponsoring poor families instead of adopting their child. I feel like adoption in some circumstances is selfish and it's better to help the child's family so they can all stay together.
To unknown vampire: yes I have done much research also and being an adoptee it's pretty confronting! However we would like a sibling group 10 plus years and up with an open adoption (whatever the kids want really) if it means building a mini home for the mother ect I would do anything......well this was my thoughts what's yours on this (if the govt has totally ruled the children returning it's almost nearly impossible to reverse) hence I would feel better about what's best for the kids with open adoption/fostering first :) I just hope we can all make a positive difference to eachother, to families and especially for the kids (it's about what they want and giving them that voice) just like I had wished I had :) (a voice and choice!) health, love and light to you and yours feef :)
This .....hurts. I hear hurt from the adoptees and yet I know there must be so much hurt also on the part of the adopters. And I have to admit, it makes me feel like maybe we - as a world - should end/get rid of adopting all together. It is not (apparently) solving anything for the adoptees. It isn't helping the family that needed/wanting them. Who is it helping? Just the birth mother it seems like. She is the only one I ever hear "winning". She gets to put them up for adoption when it's good for her and then she gets to have them back, be forgiven, and have the future with them. It makes me want to say "no" as someone who was considering adopting.
I agree. I think society needs to rethink the idea of adoption altogether. Of course in cases of severe abuse and neglect we need to do WHATEVER is best for the child. However, in other cases we need to figure out how to support mothers or give them the help they might need instead of adoption agencies that prey on vunerable girls and women. We also need to find ways to reunify the child to the bio family in every situation possible. This idea that severing the biological relationship needs to be changed. (Unless in the case of severe abuse and neglect or something like that) Society needs to re-evaluate alot of things we do surrounding this topic.
I love my adoptive family unconditionally. The best years of my life were my childhood. I met my bio parents and never once felt any natural connection to them. I just wanted to learn about my biological history. It's not an adoptive parents fault. I just think now, with social media and adoptees trying to figure out why they are unable to connect closely with other adults, we are trying to figure it out as best we can. I feel constant guilt that I suffered so much depression even though doctors never could figure me out. My parents didn't understand me, neither did I. When the book, Primal Wound came out it struck a nerve. It made some sense. It still won't heal me, but it makes some sense. My unconditional love for the two parents that gave me love and a home will never abate. However, life has been hell on earth. I struggle to understand why I'm alive. I feel like I'm dead and breathing. No one can understand the depth of my loneliness. Being unable to connect to another human that understands is unbearable. My love and happy childhood memories for family is the only emotion that keeps me alive.
Yes,its better to leave children in 3rd world orphanages with no real love, constantly changing caregivers, inadequate medical care, and if they survive, be released onto the streets of their third world country at age 16 with no family support or education, to be usually swept into sex trafficking or a life of crime. Yes, That is SO much better for them. Then they wouldn’t have to deal with all this. We really should encourage first world couples who have love and a stable home to not consider adoption, but instead spend that money and their time on a fancier home, world travels, fancy clothes, a life of ease, etc. it would make at least two sides of the “triangle” so much happier and more fulfilled.
11:07 she makes so much sense. I feel so sad on my birthday and often seek to be alone. My birth date is a trauma for me. I aim to change that. This year turning 60 I will spend it either my biological family for the very first time. 4 siblings, partners, nieces, nephews and my bio parents.
Thank you for this! We adopted out of the CPS system. We hate gotcha day. We do not celebrate it. But my husband and I do something special with the kids each year as a family to have a new experience together. The adoption culture in American churches and agencies are toxic. We do not associate with them for a lot of the reasons explained in the video. All of my kids have the opportunity to visit their mom and extended family when they become adults. She is not in a safe place, but I keep tabs on her so when it’s time, they each individually have the option to pursue her and I can be there to support each of them however they choose. I recognize that I will never have the biological connection that you talk about and I would never ask my kids to replace her or to be thankful or grateful for the life I’ve given them. My hope is that what I have handed to them is an opportunity to heal from their trauma and become the best people they can be. I love hearing your voices, ladies. You remind me that their story is the most important thing they have and I love what you are doing to help heal the hearts and validate adoptees stories. Keep doing what you’re doing. National Adoption Day and Gotcha Day is not what it seems. Thank you again keep flipping the script!!!
I would love to hear more opinions from adoptees. A person in my family is adopted and wasn't told until they were an adult which i dont agree with (but it wasnt my choice because i was a child as well). But now I am planning on adopting. Are there any adoptees here who can tell me their opinion on books for little ones like 'I wished for you; An adoption story' to read to little ones who are adopted? It is supposed to be from an adopted child's pov but i dont think the child can fully understand this. I want to do this right and not create more trauma for the baby I intend to adopt. What is the opiniom of adoptees - ehould they be told from the beginning... Or should they be told when they are old enough to understand it?
What would you do if you were conceived in an act of violence against a woman or removed from your birthparents who were abusive. Is that something that adoptees should be able to know?
How can I connect with you. I was given to a foster family after birth. They abused me and another adoptee for years! The state never checked on us and we literally knew nothing else. Tied to box spring beds every day and locked in a room. This went on until I was 10. Next was the foster care system and group homes. A family adopted us in the next year. Happy beginning because they think there saving us and we were just happy to be treated Soo good. Well we had issues!! We were finally seeing what life was like outside of abuse and foster care staff and all that good shit right. We had behavior issues. My brother had alot of anger from the abuse we went through I was able to manipulate to avoid some of beatings and other abuse but he got it worse. Now think I'm 11 he's 13. Were already more than halfway to being an adult and I'm eating McDonald's for the 1st time. The parents were not prepared to deal with it. They had no idea how to relate and it angered them that they we would get in trouble and we were told everyday how ungrateful we were. But get this they adopt another boy. Same behavior issues now all 3 of us are ungreatful. The new boy was the first to be kicked out. My brother now 16 was next to go. And when I was 15 my adoptive parents had me call a shelter because they were just so upset I couldn't be greatful and stop misbehaving. Well they took it a step further now I'm an adult, never recovered but I hid it well. Developed a drinking problem and couldn't figure out why I can't just be normal. Adoptive parents pop in give money and FORGIVE me for being ungreatful but the next mistake I made they disowned me. Turned off cellphones took my car they payed for they took everything for me to start over with nothing. This happened 3 times. This last time I was officially told I don't deserve there last name I should go back to the abusive home because I don't know who my real family is and again took everything. If you think adoption is fucking all roses and sunshine I would love to really tell you ALL of my story. It's too long to put here. I'm 27 now started Altruistic LLC and I'm going to spend the rest of my life changing this system and giving the as many kids as possible a real opportunity to be successful and understood. Actually give these kids the resources and materials to be successful just like a NORMAL Child. And think the ones that age out are setup on government programs and sent out to fail.
Rosita, we actually met briefly at the Kaan conference last year. If we ever cross paths again I would love to hear about your experience with Goal. I went in 2012. Nice video btw. I do have a question that mirrors one of the other people who commented. I am curious about the absence of male adoptees in the video as well. Was it because it grew out of your lostdaughters blog and the women featured were voices from your blog?
Ian Hoffman-Jin Yes, it was a initiative from my post at Lost Daughters (www.thelostdaughters.com/2014/11/flipthescript-on-nationaladoptionmonth.html). We are not opposed to hearing from the men. I know Bryan is very busy with other projects, but perhaps we should talk a bit more about producing a male driven vid other the coming months. I will be at KAAN this year as a speaker. If you are there, please introduce yourself. GOA’L was amazing. Find out more here (mothermade.blogspot.com/search/label/G.O.A.’L.). Also, I encourage you to submit writing and/or artwork to the #FliptheScript Anthology. (www.anyadiary.com/search?updated-max=2015-03-13T15:28:00-07:00&max-results=1)
We are just starting the adoption process. We have two boys that are grown and on their own. We certainly did NOT do everything right or very little right when raising them. This video makes me question is trying to love and help even enough?
@@KimberleeMelissa leave them in the lonely poverty stricken orphanage, with caregivers to whom its just a day job, , or to cycle thru the foster system. Yep. That is sooo much better!
@@Julia29853 There isn't oversight once they are stripped of identity/adopted. Often times they are adopted into terrible situations having long lasting and horrendous results. That being the case, with no benefits to the children enforced or even looked at, and to no longer be a part of their own or even be able to find out, to top it all off, is too much for too many.
FLIP THE SCRIPT- Adoption is trauma and not this beautiful wonderful gift we are always told it is. Besides, children aren't gifts. They aren't presents. This is someone's life we often here talked about like it's an object. A child isn't a gift to be unwrapped. And I'm glad people who have a story to share are doing it. Biology matters and to think otherwise is going to hurt children.
What I want freedom of with my adopted parents is that I come from a birth family that is bilingual speaking German and English…I speak and hate speaking English and I self taught myself my second language Japanese which as an bilingual adult adoptee I feel like English is my worst language yet living with my elderly adopted parent I was told to speak English and not Japanese at home😢 That just breaks my brains heart…
Thanks for sharing your stories. I know that adoption is not a solution to adult problems, but then what is an adoptive parent supposed to say to their adoptee if they chose to grow their family through adoption due to infertility? Is it ok as long as the adoptive parents don't see the person as the solution to their problems and still acknowledge their painful story? The issues are complex and stories are individual, but I'd just like to hear some thoughts on it as we consider adoption.
Sylvia A That is a valid question. As an adoptee and one of the Lost Daughters, I will try to answer your question. I grew up knowing my mother could not have children due to a benign tumor which caused an early hysterectomy. This was presented to me as a factual situation when I was old enough to understand the concept of infertility. This information did not harm me because of the way it was presented. You get into trouble when you ask your child to feel like they are the answer to your infertility grief. Talk to your therapist or support group about your infertility -- not your child. And more importantly, fully grieve your infertility before adopting so your child does not feel responsible to become a "replacement".
Hi Sylvia! I had an experience much like the lady above me- my parents couldn't have children due to my mom having had a tubal pregnancy that resulted in severe damage and lead to a hysterectomy. Like the other lady who replied, this was also presented to me in a factual fashion, as was the fact that my birth mother was 14 and unable to give me the life she dreamt of me having. I was told that she wanted me badly but really cared about my needs 1st and was realistic in that at her age, she just could not raise me. As for the rest of the other commenter's post, she hit the nail exactly on the head about how to go about it! :)
Sylvia: In that case the adoptive parents should get some counselling and understand why they cannot face their own infertility issues. An adoptee is not there to make an infertile couple feel whole! Your comment shows your ignorance of someone who is too IGNORANT to SHUT AND LISTEN AND LEARN. You have no experience of adoption so listen to those who do!
@@rrickarr what a rude brat you are! This person asked a respectful question, wanting to hear what the adoptees feel, so they can do things the most sensitive way and best for a child they might adopt, and you smack them down? Shameful, spoiled and bratty attitude!
It seems that everyone wants to be upset about and with the adoptive patents. Yes. You should be appreciative and GRATEFUL! These are people who opened their hearts, lives and homes to nurture someone else's child, just to have it slapped back in their faces. It's complicated for all sides and that is just the reality of adoption. It's not the adoptive parents fault that the child underwent trauma. They are providing a life and opportunity for children who were, for whatever reason, removed from the home.
Queen Elle: You are totally clueless and simply display your ignorance. Why should an adopted child be any more grateful than a child who is not adopted? Your comment makes all type of assumptions that you know nothing about. You make a huge mistake in assuming that being adopted is better than staying in an institution!
@@rrickarr I agree. I think her comment just showcases the problems with adoption. The adoptee is made to feel like they owe some gratitude that a biological child is not made to feel. And if a biological parent were to imply a biological child should be greatful for the love and care they get, we would find that disgusting. Yet, it's acceptable to do and say to an adopted child?! No child should feel like they owe anyone anything for being loved, fed, and cared for. And it's not okay to put that on adopted children and act like it's acceptable.
You completely missed the point. I don’t know if you are an adopted but your voice is incredibly ignorant and dismissive of our struggle. I get what you are trying to say but it is an incredibly harmful mentality and focuses too much on the adopted parents and less on the victim of the adoption triad - (the child) . You are completely ignoring what WE are going through which once again misses the point.
As adoptive parents, what can you really do. I feel like dam if you do, dam if you don’t. I understand the trauma. But is it fair to fight adoptive parents who only want the best for the children. Should I just give up on them💁🏾♀️ Sometimes I don’t what to do to help them through. Love is not enough.
Great to hear adoptees speak out, instead of those who try to speak for us.
Amazing video. To me being adopted means having two sets of parents. Adoptive parents need to understand no matter how great a life you've given to your adopted child, a piece of them is missing. To adoptive parents out there - let your adopted kids know it's okay to feel sad, it's okay to long for your birth parents, and it's okay to find them. It wasn't until I searched for my birth mother that I discovered how much i actually longed for her. Sadly, once I found her she already passed away. It's not easy being adopted. My hope is that I can allow my adopted daughter the space and support to make sense of her story.
Tracy, I am so sorry to hear of your losses. You have beautifully written a narrative that deserves to be read. Thanks for commenting!
Thank you!
I am an adoptee. When I read about adoptive mothers like yourself who UNDERSTAND - I can't tell you how much that means to me. Amazingly, there are adoptive mothers who are not adoptees and still understand, too. Best of luck to you and your lucky daughter.
CR Trystate exactly what this girl said!!!! (You said it sooo well!)
To Tracy: so sorry you did not get to see your mother I do hope you found other family members who could share memories and photos of her (I realise this is far from ideal) but hope you found some things out to complete your puzzle of an adoptees life chain :) health love and light to you (the gal from oz)
I just want to sit down and have coffee with all of these incredible people. As an adoptee, I wish I had more adoptees to talk about our experiences with.
me too.
Same x
Ditto
I am adopted. I am not against adoption. My issue is my rights were taken away from me.
But as an adult you have all your rights, and you must do what makes " YOU" happy.
So good to hear fellow adoptee's sharing their real adoption experience and dispelling the attitude we should all be grateful. We adoptees feel what we feel, and no amount of public opinion or suggestion will change that.
Thank you to the participants of this video for sharing your personal truths.
To I reunion: amen to that!! I think it's full of awesomeness :) health, love and light to you and yours (the gal from oz)
It's okay to be ungrateful for having everything.
That way you can be THE SAME as every other ungrateful non-adopted child society rightfully mocks.
Why should adopted kids be any different?
The Gotcha Day really hit a spot with me. My mom used to celebrate it every year even though I used to tell her all the time, I didn't want to celebrate it. It hurt because it made that day uncomfortable and it hurt because I wasn't respected enough by my mom for her to listen. The not knowing where I belong also really made a lot of sense to me.
I am so sorry that your adoptive mother would not respect your request.
My experience as an adoptee mirrors that of each speaker. Thank you.
Thank you for sharing this. As an adoptive parent, I greatly appreciate your perspective. I hear a lot of "what not to do" in this and other videos, but not very much "what to do". Would love some advice from adoptees on what TO do to make sure our adopted children feel loved, accepted, and secure while not overlooking their loss.
As a adoptee and a realist I realize that in some certain situations adoption is unfortunately necessary. Kinship caregivers for children needing a home would be my first choice then if the child wants to be adopted then it would be their choice.
Traci, the best thing you can do for your adopted children is to try to reconnect them if possible and 8f they want to their bio parents and extended families. It wouldn't mean you would loose your children and be less of a mom to them. You would actually gain a incredible amount of respect from your children because it would mean you understand the Primal wound and their adoption trauma. Read The Primal Wound. It is the adoptees bible so to speak. Also check out some videos on TH-cam by Jeanette Yoffe. She is a adoption psychotherapist and also a adoptee. I believe you can also find her by Jeanette-ically. She can better explain all the DO's with the don'ts.
Adoption has terrible consequences for the child. Do not ask the child to understand, they will not, be absolutely honest, yeah don't adopt. Children need to stay in touch with real siblings and family rather than being totally alone when the adopted family doesn't want them anymore. Open dialogue with the child and family about this.
@@mylalababy666 There are always other care paths, i.e. foster care, guardianship for a child who becomes an adult without stealing their identity, without cancelling their birth certificate and legally severing them from family for life - I see no situation which would require adoption - how can any child have enough life experiences or be fully informed as to the lifelong consequences of adoption to make an informed decision - most adults are not informed enough to make an informed decision
Hi, what about international adopting ? Adopting an orphan, from the third world countries , that have a mortality rate of 60%? I love open adoptions,and why not keeping their name as well ?@PeterMoore
Let them know that it's OK to feel what they feel... let them know that they can ask you " ANYTHING "
We're listening! Thank you for starting the dialogue.
Before an adoptee gains anything, first they lose EVERYTHING. And they are expected to be "grateful"?
This right here !!!
They could have been biten by flies and mosquitoes and eaten alive by rats in the dumpter their LOVING but poor, but teenage, but drug user parents left them in.
But militant adoptees don't WANT TO admit that birth parents can, a lot of the time, be HORRIFIC NIGHTMARE PARENTS.
How is you guys losing everything your adoptive parents' fault? Huh?
@@LB-uo7xyour adoptive parents take us from our first parents
As an adoptee, I was made to feel that my feelings didn't matter. It was about what everyone else needed from me. As a mother, I wasn't really needed, or important, because I didn't matter. I was replaceable anyway. I felt that was my fate. Never had the tools to understand how what happened to me affected my life. To be able to understand my trauma, so to not let it cause me to make poor decisions, and hurt other people that I truly love.
wish i would have found out it wasn't just all in my head . know i look back at my own identity and dont know how much is me or what i built up as a coping method. and im trying to explain it to my birth mother who i just meet.and i cant seem to word and i dont know if im trying to get past the pain or I don't want say something wrong and lose her again. and my adoptive parents were nothing but loving and put up with a world of bs from me .which i have to give them that ,but it never made that feeling of emptiness in the m soul go away . And if you never felt it , you really dont know what its like .
great video thanks
My daughter placed my grandson about 8 months ago. It is so difficult to deal with peoples negative reactions. People act like because she chose to place him we are not allowed to grieve nor are we allowed to miss him. We are lucky that it is a open placement and my dream for him to one day know how much we love him that he was not discarded but placed in a wonderful home to give him the best life. Thank you for your courage and your stories
Melanie Ritchey
You or someone in your family could have taken them both in.
@@sissyrayself7508 how do you know that? How could you possibly know these people's situation?
Such a powerful message. We need to listen and open up more to the voices of adult adoptees. We need to support, encourage and LISTEN those who have been adopted in order to best serve the adoption community as a whole. They don't have a single message, they aren't all wonderful, they aren't all bad, but we need to listen to all of them. Yes, I celebrate adoption because it has expanded my family, but there has been a loss there and I hope that others realize that as well. We do not celebrate any sort of "gotcha day". When you parent, you look for advice, perspective and guidance. It is time to start seeking that perspective from people who have experience with it.
Brilliant! Please let your voices be heard! I'm adopted. I adopted my son. I'm a HUGE orphan advocate with my own organization, Orphan World Relief. So I gave myself a voice and platform to speak from... but not all children or adult adoptees have the same platform. This video is well done and covers a great many voices... but no MALE voices! That opens up a different perspective not represented here. I'm proud of who I've become, but the struggle was HUGE for a good deal of my life.
I've wanted to adopt all my life but this video has me seriously reconsidering. Highly doubt I would after seeing this. I didn't know it was so horrible being adopted. I hope all the women in this video find peace.
If you REALLY want to adopt I'd recommend adopting a child who truly has been abandoned. Adopt a child whose parent's parental rights were surrendered. Don't try to find a perfect little girl to try and convince her to turn her baby over to you. I can't believe the people who want to adopt and cry about a woman who "changes her mind." Biologically MOST women WANT to raise the children they give birth to. Instead of celebrating a natural process, potential adoptive parents grieve that they don't get what they want. There are children out there whose parents are dead or who have signed over their parental rights. Adoption should be about giving a child a loving home who has none.
I know adoption is a difficult process, and more grueling with few kittens and rainbows than others, and some of these women certainly sounded like they’d put a great deal of thoughtfulness into their contributions.
However, tbh some of them just sounded bratty. And it’s terrible that they would “flip the script” in a direction that would DISCOURAGE people from adopting. There are already more kids in need of - and desperately wanting - a family to adopt them than there are families that are willing to.
Speak to a local adoption worker. Volunteer at a Heart Gallery event and meet some of these kids. They don’t all feel the way some of these women do.
@gt345 not able to judge the claims someone makes because they’re “traumatized?” That’s called manipulation. There’s a big difference between bratty and trauma. Ungrateful, complaining, accusations over perceived slights? Bratty.
@@t.j.7789 completely agree. Is parenting about “getting to be a parent” or about “getting to give a child what they need.” Very big difference and very often adoption is just about what adults want; not what kids need.
Not always, of course. I known many people that are adopted who had fantastic, loving parents. My husband and I have a group of five sisters and we talk about/ pray for their first mom & dad all the time. The severing of biological families, no matter how terrible the parents may be, is still devastating for kids, even into adulthood.
@gt345 Do you know what an apologist is? It's someone who provides a reasonable explanation or defense of something that there's disagreement over. Since I was talking about the alleged "victims" as opposed to the alleged"abusers" you can't accuse me of "giving exclamation or defense "for the abusers. But go ahead and just keep throwinh ad hominems instead of actually comprising an argument 👍🏼
I'm an adoptee working on a graphic memoir about my experience. Thank you. Thank you for this.
One question I always get is "so are you going to go and find your "real" parents" and I'm like we I don't need to I live with them. What you mean to ask is will is go and find my birth parents.
As someone in reunion for the last three years, I find the very concept of “real parents” so, so offensive. ALL of my parents are my “real” parents, in different ways. I don’t have “fake” parents. I have biological parents, adoptive parents, and “birth-step-parents” (for lack of a better term). I have biological half-siblings, and adoptive siblings. They are all “real”. They aren’t fake people. They exist. We have different relationships.
None of it is “fake”.
Thank you so much for this--from a fellow adoptee. Such a breath of fresh air!
Thank you SO much for this video! As an aunt adoptee, I've often wondered why adoption campaigns and ads don't have adoptee voices, why only proud new parents with their new "prize" smiling big happy smiles... It sounds bad or bitter, but it's painful.
Wow Angela, your commentary is so profound and hits the nail on the head. Our thoughts are so complex and definitely not easy to understand, and it is really heartbreaking that so many do not want to hear what we have to say and are uncomfortable when we say it. And the last thing we want to do is make anyone uncomfortable, and so many of use choose silence. Thank you for all you do.
OMG, yes! Thank you all for speaking your truths.
Wow! Watching this is bringing up so many emotions for me! I was also adopted. I was adopted as a baby (at 3 months) and thankfully, I was told all my life about it and was free to talk about it or ask questions. My parents didn't have a lot of answers to give, however, as it was a closed adoption. I never overtly felt like I was abandoned but eventually, I ended up asking my mom to help me find my birth family. It took me becoming severely ill with an illness the doctors couldn't figure out and were therefore constantly asking me about family history. We had one paragraph about my birth mother and her side of the family. That was it. At that point, we reached out and found her and to make a super complex and long story short, she wanted me and was supposedly so excited we had found each other and wanted me to move closer etc but then *poof* she couldnt deal with her emotions and stuff on her side and she didn't want me around anymore. This time, I WAS abandoned. I was thrown away. Now, I do feel that pain. I still love my sister and brother and my aunts and uncles. I love my birth mother in a really different and also complex way. I also feel like this for my birth father who doesn't even know I exist! Can you imagine, men who are reading this, that you could have an adult "child" out there- who could look like you and want to meet you & love you and you don't even have a clue! I think that was really unfair of her to do to him.... I do NOT however, love my birth mother or birth father anywhere near how I love my mom and dad. They are my family and always be. LOVE IS THICKER THAN BLOOD sometimes! Anyways....
Listening to these other ladies talk is like a light bulb moment. It's crazy because I never thought others felt like this and also there are topics I hadn't really thought of yet but listening to them blows my mind and I can't seem to figure out how to express my feelings from watching this! I wish I could give all of those ladies a huge hug and talk to them! I wish we COULD flip the script!
Sorry this is so long- I didn't mean for it to be, but... wow.... the parts about people saying those things to us about how wonderful our parents are and how lucky we were is spot on! Those comments are so full of crap! I know some ppl who were adopted who ended up severely abused and having horrible lives. It also sends the message that all of my accomplishments are not my own doing- but happened because of my saint parents who adopted me! I worked my ass off for things! For example, I was just named valedictorian for my graduating class in university- with a 3.98 GPA while living with several chronic and severe, life threatening illnesses and disabilities.... are you meaning to say that I only accomplished these things because of my parents? That's crap! My parents don't care about that- they love me but we have had our ups and downs like any family with a "child" with health issues (I was 19 when I got sick and stuff) They had A very minimal role in these accomplishments. When you say those comments, you are taking everything I accomplished away!
It's like that lady who's family were mad at her for taking on her birth last name. I think some in my family would be pissed at me too! But they shouldn't take that away from her! It was important to her to take it back on and they took that joy and those feelings that she deserved and earned, away from her! 😐
I dogress, sorry. I am just feeling a tidal wave of feelings from watching this video and hearing these ladies. Thank you so much for doing this video!
My husband and I are going through foster process to adopt.
Adoption has always been something I have felt the calling to do since I was very young but I have never been exposed to it as much as I have in the past couple of years and I'm 31.
I like this video and others because I want to know what my child will be thinking and feeling.
I know that every child is different but I rather get a good wide variety then be oblivious.
Every new thing is so alien to me but I am quickly learning.
I don't expect my child to ever love me like I will or to fully accept us as his/her family (because now I see whit all of your voices what is real) but I know that it will never matter because I will love them unconditionally until the day I die. If they see me as a friend I will be most blessed by even that small gesture.
So I'm ready for the storm.
Ready for the storm? That's not a very good beginning
@@forgottonbabyforgottendeca1483 she said something so gracious, so compassionate, yet you STILL smack her down? What else can you describe these adoptees feelings and behaviors except a storm, yet she is still willing to give a good home and potentially one sided love? Yet for you, that’s a negative? She’s acknowledging their feelings which is what you all say you want. Then you criticize! Shame on you!
9 years had passed so my question now does your child think the same as the women stated in the video? I don't think so because every person is different.
I'm glad i was adopted as the alternative would have been much worse. My birth mother couldn't keep me, so it would have been children's homes or fostering which would have probably finished me off. I was a relatively happy child but had some deep darkness inside from all the unanswered questions i had. It's very isolating having no-one around that you're genetically connected with. My adopted parents were great but i really don't think they had a clue on what depths of emotion i had at times. They also had 2 of their own children, which despite their best attempts, were definitely favoured. I just wanted to be normal, not the 'adopted' show cased child. I needed a lot more information on why i was adopted and photos to see where i came from. It's the mystery of it that is so mind consuming. I have met my birth mother and got most of my answers. We get on well but the bond is not as strong as with my mum that brought me up. I feel awkward all round really but they all seem to handle it quite well.
So important for prospective adoptive parents to listen to adoptees. We share this video with participants in our family planning courses so they learn from what you have to say. Thanks for this.
I loved hearing all of these adoptee voices. Thank you so much.
I had to tell my Mom that I didn’t want a card from her anymore on my arrival day. Because I didn’t share the same joy that she did.
I had to gently inform her that that was also the day that I forever lost my connection to my Mother and country.
She hasn’t sent a card since or mentioned it.
I also had to bring up that my biological mother suffered a loss, while she gained. And that she should recognize her and be thankful to her as well.
She did. And that was probably only time she spoke of my biological mother into existence other than telling me she couldn’t afford to raise me. Such simplistic narratives we’re left with.
Wow. I have needed to hear these conversations. I am adopted and have a hard time trying to explain how it feels to be an adoptee. I have been having to listen to my parents story and only their story about my adoption. I habe never had a voice about how it feels. My adopted family become extremely offended if I ever speak up, so I had chosen to silence myself. What struck me about this video was when one of the women mentioned that we are told our life before our adoption was in the past so it should be left there. I have never been able to accept this. The members of my family all are all genetically related to one another. They have no clue how it feels to be in a room full of "family" knowing that you do not share the same DNA with anyone in that room. They don't realize that there is a possibility that we may never know how it feels to be next to just one person who we share genes with. They take that for granted then expect us to leave our past in the past. One cannot ignore that and leave it behind.
I'm adopted as well and I struggle with that feeling of connection as well... It is so so difficult to navigate through.
I really hope that things have gotten easier for you❤️
Thank you for sharing😊 For me it feels like they trash talk my real family, my genes. Especially my adoptive mother did this, but I think she did it intentionally because she felt threatened by it. My older adoptive brother and her sees it as a betrayal that I want to know more. He doesn't care about being adopted, it hurts that they won't let me be myself and have contact with my half siblings without them reacting like that. Like I have to choose. I'm sorry for rambling, I'm just tired of the narrative are mostly seen from the adoptive parents view rather than the biological mother/father and adoptees. I love this video❤️
@michellelowe7127
In my experience as an adult adoptee , adoption issues follow us around for life. Two things have helped me understand and come to terms with it , are Transactional Analysis & the book "Coming Home to Self" by Nancy Newton Verrier. With best wishes for all in the adoption triad
Wow how insightful. After watching this video, I have decided not to adopt anymore. I have been doing tons of research but this is it for me. If sounds like it's almost a crime taking care of someone's child. Thanks foe sharing
Hi. Did you change your opinion?
thank you so much for creating this and to everyone who participated. So important to get this into the world!
It's great that this group of adult adoptees has gotten together to raise their collective voices and speak about their experiences, thoughts, and feelings regarding adoption. What I found problematic was the assertion made my one of the participants regarding adoptive parents' capacity for loving adopted and biological children the same way. I have adopted and biological children, and no one, other than me, is equipped to talk about my experiences or capacity for love. We are all different people, some of us have common experience, but no two people are the same, or view the world the same way, or react to their circumstances equally. So, please, when you are talking about your experience, refrain from attempting to speak in overarching general terms! You may not love your adopted child the same as your biological children, but the same does not hold true for me and many other adoptive parents.
I could not agree with this more, as an adoptive mom. That line made me very sad - I know it's possible for people to feel this way, and some do, but to me that's a sign that maybe they weren't fully emotionally equipped to care for an adopted child, not a reflection of the normal relationship between adoptive parents and kids. I would hate for my children to read this and think that is how most parents feel, because it truly isn't.
To lamenena & to the small things as an adoptee bought up in a family of 2 natural kids and 1 adopted (me) it really hurt what that lady said however I respected it's her feelings however I kind of wondered why she adopted in the first place she felt this way?! For me as anaadoptee my 2 step children I love them unconditionally and I could not love them anymore if I tried (even if they don't feel the same way) anyway lol thanks to you both health love and light to you both and all your family and friends (fee the gal from oz)
I'm not a woman but I fail to see how you couldn't feel differently about a life force that grew from and in you versus a child that did not. On the simple basis of DNA and biology there would be a special bond, not to mention mental and spiritual characteristics. I was raised by very simple creatures that tried to play that game too but please do not insult me by suggesting I couldn't very obviously and intuitively feel and see the difference between their birth child and myself. As an adoptee I developed an almost sixth sense to perceive the very thing I was missing that other families and my own adoptive family shared. Familiar and parental bonds. Perhaps the lack of spirituality is why western culture so readily and easily participates in adoption without considering these things.
I think she was speaking from her personal experience because she said she is both an adoptee and an adoptive mom. I don't think she is meaning to assert that all adoptive parents feel the same way she does. I think she only means that the common narrative told about loving all children the same is not the only narrative and not her experience. I also don't think she's saying she loves her adoptive or biological children any less than the other. I think she's just talking about how for her it is different. Not necessarily less. She might feel love for her children differently and it may be nuanced but I don't think she's saying she loves any of her children less than the others. I think some adoptive parents do have days where they don't necessarily like or feel the lovey feelings for their child. It doesn't mean they don't truly love them out can't continue to love them in actions when the feelings aren't all there. I know some can struggle when parenting is particularly hard and they are weary. That doesn't mean they are not capable adoptive parents. Though she doesn't say that this is what she's talking about I know others have felt such feelings on hard days. I think her point is that she feels there are more perspectives and stories and it's not all the same for everyone. I don't think she meant that her experience is that of all adoptive parents or that others shouldn't say they love all their kids the same.
@@brianjames9946 You know, the key there is "I'm not a woman". That's where it all explains itself.
Bryan, again, thank you so very much for this work. You let our voices be heard bravely, honestly and widely. It is always a pleasure to work with you!
It never come to my mind that adoption can be a challenging to both adoptive parents and adopted child. I thought when someone take them home provide them love care protection shelter food clothing and security would change their life and them better because there are so many homeless children longing to have a roof over their heads wish someone could provide them but it's not so. Human life is so complicated.
Many thanks to all of you who had the courage and insight to produce this and to "flip the switch." I am the parent of two adoptees who welcomes this discussion for the benefit of all parties.
I am a LDA and I really appreciate your words, now I feel part of something and that I am not alone 🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏❤️
BLADY HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE SAY OH YOUR SO LUCKY OH U WERE CHOSEN
IM LIKE FUCK U YOUR FUCKING LUCKY YOU NEVER FELT MY LOSS OR SUFFERED MY TRAUMA NOR HAVE U SUFFERED MY ADOPTION TORMENT ON A DAILY BASIS
THANK YOU FOR GETTING US ADOPTEES NOTICED & HEARD I LOVE U
I love you women. As an adoptee, I am proud to be a part of such a smart, compassionate, powerful gang. You make me feel better.
It was very emotional for me to hear what adoptees are saying because this is what my grandson will say in a few years. He is Brazilian/American adopted by a Mexican couple who is now divorced and living in poverty. The social workers gave him away because they said that as a grandmother I had no rights and because they had promised "a baby" to this woman who could not have kids.
Hi, that’s so sad, you had to keep him…😢
so much good is said here . . . so much listening needs to be done. thank you. cant wait to hear more . . .
Is there a "lost sons" version? As the father of a son, I would love to hear from male adult adoptees. Not that I can't learn anything from these women - I can, and did. I'm just wondering where all of the men are.
Finally landing on a video that feels like "my tribe"! This dialogue was relevant & honest and appreciated. Thank you
Exactly, the past will be your future! I wish all of you adoptees all of the best in your futures with your bio families, please reach out to them if you haven't yet ...time is so precious
What if the bio parents are jerks and reject the adult child.
@sherisetodd591 yes, but may be the exact opposite!! Alot of birthmothers/birth fathers dream of the moment that they FINALLY meet their precious long lost child!!
@@delicatemoves123 then at least some will have closure about the whole thing. Then there is some that the bio parents dream that they do FINALLY meet them!
I have only seen 3 minutes and I already feel validated. I am always shut down with my siblings that were adopted too.
Adoptees have had many diverse experiences, good and bad, although almost ALL of us have a curiosity about our biological family. Adoption can be good, but it also begins with a negative experience for both the mother and infant. It may go on to be great, but it may not. Our feelings should be validated not put down, or told that we are ungrateful because we have feelings that non-adoptive children don't have. I believe as one woman said here, an adoptive child is not the same as a biological child to the adoptive parent or the adoptee. "She loved you so much she gave you away", wwwhaaa???! All of these statements are so very important for adoptive parents to try to be open to and understand because they are real and true! Please listen to your adopted children, their feelings are valid!
fellow adoptee, this means so much to me, what the girl says around 9:00 was perfection,
I'm an adoptee and a first mom. I love this video and the truth it speaks.
Great...mirrored my thoughts so eloquently.. ThankYou
+Voice of Adam; If you have only/ever felt, a sense of belonging & security, from your adoptive family, which is what I think your saying?... then you're probably right in saying you find nothing to relate to in this video. Because it either doesn't relate to you at all, & maybe never will; or it just doesn't relate to you yet, based on your current level of consciousness. You can then relax, & celebrate & rejoice in your good fortune, & in the knowledge that you ARE loved. But many adult adoptees were either abused, or haunted by memories of a former life, or traumatised in/by the foster care system, etc. Many were adopted thru closed adoption. Some were international adoptions, which I imagine, at least in some of those cases, if not all, that it would make finding their birth family, if they chose to search for them, that much more difficult to locate. All of which can & does cause trauma. It causes attachment disorders, seperation/ anxiety disorders, etc. And when you're going around carrying around trauma, that no one around you is either aware of/ or can relate to/ or cares to acknowledge, that can be a very lonely place indeed. That is what this video is about. The feelings of others that get projected onto us growing up as adoptees, like word vomit. Insensitive & even cruel things that people say, (or do), to an adopted child, that get internalised because they have no way to filter it, or understand it, until they get older. These women are just trying to create change, where change is due. For instance, the laws surrounding closed adoption should have been changed by now. It's outrageous to make it so hard for an adult adoptee to find their birth family in this era. It's continuing to treat them like a child with no rights. It's antiquated, & it's inhumane. Every human should have the right to know their origin. But only those who were raised in their birth families, or those who've been through open adoption, are granted that right. So as I see it, they are not being ungrateful, or trivializing "unconditional love", or saying or doing anything, that should be offensive to anyone. They are simply speaking their truth, their story, their offense to things that they feel needs to be addressed, because they've woken up to some of what's been going on, but never felt like they had a voice to be heard before. Outrage toward government, & towards peoples insensitive attitudes & behaviour. Blessings & Peace to you.
thank you so much for your vulnerable hearts. God bless each of you.
Thank you so much for shining a light on a side of adoption that is often silenced. My husband and I are considering adopting in the future and I've been seeking out stories from adoptees and also biological family sides of the adoption narrative. Adoption is not all about the adoptive parents.
As a birth mother who gave my 3rd child up for adoption at birth, I never thought about this side of the issue.
My birth son won't speak to me. It's just something I have to accept. I wish him the absolute best of everything and I will die dealing with my own broken heart. 💔
This is a sad video. It is so true. I am a adoptee too. But I try to keep to myself about my life story.
Transracial late discovery adoptee here and I DESPERATELY needed this!!! If anyone knows of a good group to join for community, PLEASE share. I just found out at 32, 10 years ago, and I JUST started searching. I feel SO ALONE.
I hate to be the voice of dissent, nor do I want to disparage or trivialize the very real feelings and experiences that others have dealt with and are continuing to deal with, but as an adoptee, I found very little common ground with anyone in this video.
I never felt any sense of abandonment or loss at having been separated from my biological parents. I've never felt deprived for not having any meaningful connection with them, and I've never been anything other than happy that they did what they felt was best for me (and for themselves) in giving me over to a family that was better able to care and provide for me than they themselves would have been.
And I've never, NEVER, felt that my adoptive parents ever loved me any differently than my brother, their biological child... and I have to say that I'm more than a little horrified to see the idea of unconditional parental love written off as part of a false "narrative."
Please be aware that I'm not trying to invalidate the experiences of anyone who had the courage to speak in this video, nor of the multitudes of others with whom it may resonate. But I feel that, in trying to combat the effects of having one monolithic narrative, the video seems to be trying to replace it with another that could be just as harmful. So I wanted to add my own voice here, unwelcome as it might be, in saying that not everyone who was adopted has had to deal with deep-seated emotional hardship.
My parents were always open with me about my adoption and I was never discouraged from talking with them or anyone else about it, and I have never been considered - by me, by my parents, or by anyone else - to be anything more or less than a normal, full-fledged member of the family to which I am a part. And I honestly wouldn't have it any other way.
Voice of Adam, I completely love that you replied here. By voicing your story, you are lending your voice in the collective that is Flip the Script. Flip the Script is not anti-adoption, but pro-adoptee. For a little more on my views, feel free to read and please comment on my blog: mothermade.blogspot.com/2013/01/the-road-taken.html
Voice of Adam As a fellow adoptee, I validate your right to speak your truth, even if it does not agree with #flipthescript. Please note; however, that nobody in the video implied or stated that "unconditional parental love is a false narrative". I know many of these ladies did receive unconditional love from their parents. No need to feel horrified by adoptees raising their voices in response to the very loud and same old script we hear during National Adoption Awareness Month.
I could have written exactly what you wrote and believed it with all of my heart until the day the fog lifted and the Kool-aid stopped flowing. I never gave adoption a second thought either until that moment .
The feelings of loss were overwhelming and I learned that most first families do not want to give up their child even me.
I did not even thing my own mother was real, just a woman I could hide inside of me. The pain was overwhelming I and I understood why I had hidden it from myself for so long.
Things also started making sense and adoption was the culprit. Good luck
I was adopted as well and you bring up valid points. I too never felt those feelings until AFTER I went and found my birth mother (which was ONLY done to see if they could shed any light on a serious illness I was suddenly dealing with and was constantly being asked for "family history"). After I met her, I originally had an amazing time... until she out of the blue decided she wanted nothing to do with me anymore. Just like that. That's when I felt the pain and abandonment type feelings. Thankfully my mom and dad were there to comfort me and I can call them and talk to them about these feelings (which I am still dealing with 13 years later)... Anyways, I just wanted to tell you that I understand and support some of the things you said AND some of the ones these ladies said as well. You phrased your comment so politely and I really respect the way you wrote your comment. Kuddos to you because so many people are the opposite of you ;) 😉
Moxie & Alyssa D Oh Moxie (said with hugs), No one should enter reunion without counseling (Lots of luck finding professionals that can help). That includes our birth family getting help. It is such a horrible thing to do to have to give up your kid. Have you ever noticed the rich do not give up their kids.They never have to make a adopting plan. They get to make a parenting plan. Are you crazy to give up your kid or does giving up your kid make you crazy. Peace fellow adoptee.
I am adopted. It definitely isn't easy. I think adoption on its own is not bad if done right. I think it often is more based on money than the kids or bo families.
I was adopted from Brazil at the age of 14 years old and it fell through within the first 5 years… I’ve been on my own since I was 17 in America
This is an important narrative. Keep the conversation going from adoptee point of view. I have been a foster care mom for a few years and am learning more about the grief and loss from the children’s perspective . It is real and needs to be acknowledged .
I was also adopted and wish there was a support group in South Africa to strengthen each other.
I greatly respect every point of view in this video as well as the comment section. As the mother of an adopted son would it be appropriate of me to ask a few questions? After watching this I am worried that my son is never going to be whole even though we have a fully open arrangement with his biological family, both sides. Many of them are even coming to his 2nd birthday party, from biological grandparents to aunts and siblings. Someone in the comments section mentioned that they weren't grateful for being adopted even though they loved their family. They said that instead of adoption they wish that someone would have helped their mother keep them. I mean no disrespect but how do you "love" your adoptive family if you wish that you were never a part of their family? Another adoptee said that adoption is a cruel separation of a child from his/her mother. :'( That totally breaks my heart. So if all of this is true, should we have tried to convince our son's biological mother to keep him even though she didn't think that she could handle another child? Loving a child, wanting a child and handling the responsibility for a child are completely separate issues. Our son's biological mother is the single mother of a six year old son. Though she loves all of her children very much, she placed a daughter two years before our son was born, she didn't feel like that she could care for more than one child. Her reasons weren't just financial, she didn't think that she could physically or emotionally handle more than one child. She told us that she isn't a patient person and has never been very good with kids. She expressed to us how important it was to her that the children she placed are in stable, patient, nurturing and loving homes. Some argue that "If she doesn't want more children then she shouldn't be having them." but I'm just going to say that it isn't my place to judge her actions. I never want my son to feel like he was EVER unwanted or unloved. I want him to KNOW that his biological mother and father did want him, but her desire that he have more stability outweighed that. I know of several situations where people were convinced and helped to keep their children after considering adoption and things turned out badly. In one case the mother ended up losing her children to the foster system because she was neglectful of them. Another mother resented the child for her lost freedom and never felt closely bonded. I know that there are many cases where the mothers are coerced or even forced to give up their children and that is terribly wrong, but the majority of the ones I have met chose the option themselves. I wiped the tears of my son's biological mother and hugged her as she cried and kissed his sweet face in the hospital. She said she could never have let him go if she hadn't been absolutely sure it was the best thing for him. I KNOW she loves him and wanted him, she just couldn't handle the responsibility of raising him. Raising a child is quite possibly the most difficult job a person can undertake, and while it is also likely the most rewarding, it is not something that everyone can or should do or is something that someone should limit themselves on. Every story is different but what can I do, if anything, to make sure my son never feels the way these beautiful ladies feel? Is blood really so strong as to negate everything my husband and I do? I would be devastated and heartbroken if our son one day chose to change his last name. We gave him that name as a gift, out of love, and hope he will be proud to own it, honor it, and respect it. No we aren't heroes for adopting a child, we certainly aren't saints, but like most adoptive parents we love our child and are forever thankful for him. It's not all love that adoptive parents give, they also sacrifice parts of themselves for the well being of their child just as any parent would. They give their time and energy, both physically and emotionally, as well as their love. They do the best they can with what they have and know and are going to make mistakes sometimes.
Recoradyn I greatly appreciate your comment. I wanted to adopt with my now ex husband (but best friend) and I am so glad I didn’t ... that said, I do plan on fostering because I want to help have a loving safe home for those taken away.
I do have a different mentality after seeing this 2 years ago. I want to help moms keep their babies but if the moms have no desire to keep their children then I will work with the social workers to place them in loving homes like yours.
I won’t lie, this video was a big factor in my decision to step away from adopting. BUT I feel the calling to help children and I have the patience and the love and the financial means to care and foster.
Thank you again for your comment.
Thank you for your comment. Ethically, I do believe that we should encourage family preservation. It’s the best arrangement. Have you read the primal wound? It talks about how separation from ones mother evokes a sense of ptsd in infancy. That is why we don’t feel “whole.” It’s not bc we aren’t loved or happy. It’s bc this chronic condition isn’t addressed adequately
I was adopted by a wonderful family. I've always stated my real parents are my mother and father who took me home, loved me and raised me. I never liked it when I would tell people I was adopted and they would then refer to my REAL parents as the biological ones. I always felt awful that people would say that. My parents are the ones who raised me. That's it. My parents earned the respected titles of Mother and Father. I'm crying as I write this. My unconditional love is for my adoptive family. So many of them passed away and I miss them more than anything.
@@butterfliesandfate thank you. This entire comment thread has broken my heart.
I loved this video! I'm adopted from Nicaragua and I understand what these ladies are saying as it affects me as well!
I'm happy that for the first time after the hundreds of videos I've watched trying to listen adoptees experiences someone said that leaving a baby is NOT an act of love.
I feel tired of listening this. How come leaving your baby is considered an act of love?!
It sounds to me as giving an excuse to the act of leaving the child instead of trying to fight for him.
Then you see tons of comments saying that she's a hero for leaving the baby.
Also many adoptive parents raise the children with the belief that they have to love the birth mum and to be thankful to her because of the great act of love she did by leaving him. As for me this is harmful.
Love is fighting for your child and trying to overcome any difficulties you have.
Thank you.
Excellent!
The leave your past in the past also was something my ex-husband used to say to me, it used to hurt so bad, I just wanted someone to try and understand. Adoption is a blessing and a curse.
I wonder why there were no men in this video.
This is fantastic. Thank you so refreshing. I feel as an adoptee I am fighting this type of force that is out there...stigma, judgmental thoughts, insecurities, etc that try to shh the adoptees own thoughts. I feel like I have been encountering a great community out there of people who get it. Why can't we just talk honestly? And empower all sides of the coin, adoptees, birth families and adopted families? An adoptee should be raised out of love, complete love. Otherwise why are you adopting in the first place? Anyways thanks for the great video. I completely agree I think work needs to be done to work towards healthy adoptions. And many of the voices that are out there are speaking not knowing fully what its like. I think these types of voices such as in the video need to be more heard along with adopted parents sides of course. But a quote I have heard, is ..it is the child thats in the middle. So maybe we should question who's voice it is that gets heard the most?
Yes!
@7:40 Correct. As much as they would like it to be the same, it's never the same between biological and adopted children and siblings.
What A wonderful Perspective!! You all are among the brightest woman I have ever had the honor of hearing, but also thank you all for sharing your story. You have truly effected me and I have learned from this. Keep up the BRAVERY!!
Everyone has a right to their blood history and their heritage. Hiding this or obscuring this information from adopted people is a human rights violation, in my opinion. .
Awesomely done!
Thank you for this.
Great work. Raw and authentic. Really loved it.
Heyyyyy guys this is sooooooo cool, I guess what we as adoptees are screaming inside for is to be heard TO BE ACKNOWLEDGED IN WHAT IS RATHER THAN THE RUBBISH LANGUAGE WHICH IS SO OFTEN USED !!!!!!! Yayyy I feel so liberated watching you all talk about how YOU ALL FEEL !!!! Awesomeness you all rock thank you health, love and light to all (the gal from oz)
Hey Fiona McInnes, I've always thought about adopting but I'm not so sure about it now that I've researched more on adoption. I'm now thinking of sponsoring poor families instead of adopting their child. I feel like adoption in some circumstances is selfish and it's better to help the child's family so they can all stay together.
To unknown vampire: yes I have done much research also and being an adoptee it's pretty confronting! However we would like a sibling group 10 plus years and up with an open adoption (whatever the kids want really) if it means building a mini home for the mother ect I would do anything......well this was my thoughts what's yours on this (if the govt has totally ruled the children returning it's almost nearly impossible to reverse) hence I would feel better about what's best for the kids with open adoption/fostering first :) I just hope we can all make a positive difference to eachother, to families and especially for the kids (it's about what they want and giving them that voice) just like I had wished I had :) (a voice and choice!) health, love and light to you and yours feef :)
This .....hurts. I hear hurt from the adoptees and yet I know there must be so much hurt also on the part of the adopters. And I have to admit, it makes me feel like maybe we - as a world - should end/get rid of adopting all together. It is not (apparently) solving anything for the adoptees. It isn't helping the family that needed/wanting them. Who is it helping? Just the birth mother it seems like. She is the only one I ever hear "winning". She gets to put them up for adoption when it's good for her and then she gets to have them back, be forgiven, and have the future with them. It makes me want to say "no" as someone who was considering adopting.
I agree. I think society needs to rethink the idea of adoption altogether. Of course in cases of severe abuse and neglect we need to do WHATEVER is best for the child. However, in other cases we need to figure out how to support mothers or give them the help they might need instead of adoption agencies that prey on vunerable girls and women. We also need to find ways to reunify the child to the bio family in every situation possible. This idea that severing the biological relationship needs to be changed. (Unless in the case of severe abuse and neglect or something like that) Society needs to re-evaluate alot of things we do surrounding this topic.
I love my adoptive family unconditionally. The best years of my life were my childhood. I met my bio parents and never once felt any natural connection to them. I just wanted to learn about my biological history. It's not an adoptive parents fault. I just think now, with social media and adoptees trying to figure out why they are unable to connect closely with other adults, we are trying to figure it out as best we can.
I feel constant guilt that I suffered so much depression even though doctors never could figure me out. My parents didn't understand me, neither did I. When the book, Primal Wound came out it struck a nerve. It made some sense. It still won't heal me, but it makes some sense.
My unconditional love for the two parents that gave me love and a home will never abate. However, life has been hell on earth. I struggle to understand why I'm alive. I feel like I'm dead and breathing. No one can understand the depth of my loneliness. Being unable to connect to another human that understands is unbearable. My love and happy childhood memories for family is the only emotion that keeps me alive.
People definitely need to stop telling people who are struggling with infertility to "just adopt." For multiple reasons.
This video makes me feel the same. Especially all the other adoptee comments. It’s kinda sad.
Yes,its better to leave children in 3rd world orphanages with no real love, constantly changing caregivers, inadequate medical care, and if they survive, be released onto the streets of their third world country at age 16 with no family support or education, to be usually swept into sex trafficking or a life of crime. Yes, That is SO much better for them. Then they wouldn’t have to deal with all this. We really should encourage first world couples who have love and a stable home to not consider adoption, but instead spend that money and their time on a fancier home, world travels, fancy clothes, a life of ease, etc. it would make at least two sides of the “triangle” so much happier and more fulfilled.
Adoption is trauma on everyone that touches it. An adoptee is so traumatized. It lingers for life.
SO TRUE!!!!!!
Depends on each case.
THIS NEEDS TO BE PUT ON FACEBOOK
Thank you!
Fantastic!
Thanks for sharing this! I was adopted and felt like I was along for the ride with my other 2 siblings after my bio parent's death.
11:07 she makes so much sense. I feel so sad on my birthday and often seek to be alone. My birth date is a trauma for me. I aim to change that. This year turning 60 I will spend it either my biological family for the very first time. 4 siblings, partners, nieces, nephews and my bio parents.
Thank you for this! We adopted out of the CPS system. We hate gotcha day. We do not celebrate it. But my husband and I do something special with the kids each year as a family to have a new experience together. The adoption culture in American churches and agencies are toxic. We do not associate with them for a lot of the reasons explained in the video. All of my kids have the opportunity to visit their mom and extended family when they become adults. She is not in a safe place, but I keep tabs on her so when it’s time, they each individually have the option to pursue her and I can be there to support each of them however they choose. I recognize that I will never have the biological connection that you talk about and I would never ask my kids to replace her or to be thankful or grateful for the life I’ve given them. My hope is that what I have handed to them is an opportunity to heal from their trauma and become the best people they can be. I love hearing your voices, ladies. You remind me that their story is the most important thing they have and I love what you are doing to help heal the hearts and validate adoptees stories. Keep doing what you’re doing. National Adoption Day and Gotcha Day is not what it seems. Thank you again keep flipping the script!!!
Momma Mirp “The adoption culture in American churches and agencies is toxic.” Accusation. Care to give an example or two of what you’re referring to?
Good stuff. Thank you.
You guys are some of the most likable people on You Tube because you're so REAL!
7:52 that's your experience. You don't speak for all parents.
I loved all of this!
I would love to hear more opinions from adoptees. A person in my family is adopted and wasn't told until they were an adult which i dont agree with (but it wasnt my choice because i was a child as well). But now I am planning on adopting. Are there any adoptees here who can tell me their opinion on books for little ones like 'I wished for you; An adoption story' to read to little ones who are adopted? It is supposed to be from an adopted child's pov but i dont think the child can fully understand this. I want to do this right and not create more trauma for the baby I intend to adopt. What is the opiniom of adoptees - ehould they be told from the beginning... Or should they be told when they are old enough to understand it?
What would you do if you were conceived in an act of violence against a woman or removed from your birthparents who were abusive. Is that something that adoptees should be able to know?
How can I connect with you. I was given to a foster family after birth. They abused me and another adoptee for years! The state never checked on us and we literally knew nothing else. Tied to box spring beds every day and locked in a room. This went on until I was 10. Next was the foster care system and group homes. A family adopted us in the next year. Happy beginning because they think there saving us and we were just happy to be treated Soo good. Well we had issues!! We were finally seeing what life was like outside of abuse and foster care staff and all that good shit right. We had behavior issues. My brother had alot of anger from the abuse we went through I was able to manipulate to avoid some of beatings and other abuse but he got it worse. Now think I'm 11 he's 13. Were already more than halfway to being an adult and I'm eating McDonald's for the 1st time. The parents were not prepared to deal with it. They had no idea how to relate and it angered them that they we would get in trouble and we were told everyday how ungrateful we were. But get this they adopt another boy. Same behavior issues now all 3 of us are ungreatful. The new boy was the first to be kicked out. My brother now 16 was next to go. And when I was 15 my adoptive parents had me call a shelter because they were just so upset I couldn't be greatful and stop misbehaving. Well they took it a step further now I'm an adult, never recovered but I hid it well. Developed a drinking problem and couldn't figure out why I can't just be normal. Adoptive parents pop in give money and FORGIVE me for being ungreatful but the next mistake I made they disowned me. Turned off cellphones took my car they payed for they took everything for me to start over with nothing. This happened 3 times. This last time I was officially told I don't deserve there last name I should go back to the abusive home because I don't know who my real family is and again took everything. If you think adoption is fucking all roses and sunshine I would love to really tell you ALL of my story. It's too long to put here. I'm 27 now started Altruistic LLC and I'm going to spend the rest of my life changing this system and giving the as many kids as possible a real opportunity to be successful and understood. Actually give these kids the resources and materials to be successful just like a NORMAL Child. And think the ones that age out are setup on government programs and sent out to fail.
Rosita, we actually met briefly at the Kaan conference last year. If we ever cross paths again I would love to hear about your experience with Goal. I went in 2012. Nice video btw. I do have a question that mirrors one of the other people who commented. I am curious about the absence of male adoptees in the video as well. Was it because it grew out of your lostdaughters blog and the women featured were voices from your blog?
Ian Hoffman-Jin Yes, it was a initiative from my post at Lost Daughters (www.thelostdaughters.com/2014/11/flipthescript-on-nationaladoptionmonth.html). We are not opposed to hearing from the men. I know Bryan is very busy with other projects, but perhaps we should talk a bit more about producing a male driven vid other the coming months. I will be at KAAN this year as a speaker. If you are there, please introduce yourself.
GOA’L was amazing. Find out more here (mothermade.blogspot.com/search/label/G.O.A.’L.).
Also, I encourage you to submit writing and/or artwork to the #FliptheScript Anthology. (www.anyadiary.com/search?updated-max=2015-03-13T15:28:00-07:00&max-results=1)
We are just starting the adoption process. We have two boys that are grown and on their own. We certainly did NOT do everything right or very little right when raising them. This video makes me question is trying to love and help even enough?
Adoption will take away their true identity. Please don't do it.
@@KimberleeMelissa leave them in the lonely poverty stricken orphanage, with caregivers to whom its just a day job, , or to cycle thru the foster system. Yep. That is sooo much better!
@@Julia29853 There isn't oversight once they are stripped of identity/adopted. Often times they are adopted into terrible situations having long lasting and horrendous results. That being the case, with no benefits to the children enforced or even looked at, and to no longer be a part of their own or even be able to find out, to top it all off, is too much for too many.
Thank you ❤
Wow - wow - wow
FLIP THE SCRIPT-
Adoption is trauma and not this beautiful wonderful gift we are always told it is. Besides, children aren't gifts. They aren't presents. This is someone's life we often here talked about like it's an object. A child isn't a gift to be unwrapped. And I'm glad people who have a story to share are doing it. Biology matters and to think otherwise is going to hurt children.
What I want freedom of with my adopted parents is that I come from a birth family that is bilingual speaking German and English…I speak and hate speaking English and I self taught myself my second language Japanese which as an bilingual adult adoptee I feel like English is my worst language yet living with my elderly adopted parent I was told to speak English and not Japanese at home😢 That just breaks my brains heart…
To be picked you had to first be unpicked. That is the source of our abandonment trauma. We fear it ever happening again.
Can anyone add English captions and transcript to make it accessible for me and others who need them please? Thank you.
Thanks for sharing your stories. I know that adoption is not a solution to adult problems, but then what is an adoptive parent supposed to say to their adoptee if they chose to grow their family through adoption due to infertility? Is it ok as long as the adoptive parents don't see the person as the solution to their problems and still acknowledge their painful story? The issues are complex and stories are individual, but I'd just like to hear some thoughts on it as we consider adoption.
Sylvia A That is a valid question. As an adoptee and one of the Lost Daughters, I will try to answer your question. I grew up knowing my mother could not have children due to a benign tumor which caused an early hysterectomy. This was presented to me as a factual situation when I was old enough to understand the concept of infertility. This information did not harm me because of the way it was presented. You get into trouble when you ask your child to feel like they are the answer to your infertility grief. Talk to your therapist or support group about your infertility -- not your child. And more importantly, fully grieve your infertility before adopting so your child does not feel responsible to become a "replacement".
Hi Sylvia! I had an experience much like the lady above me- my parents couldn't have children due to my mom having had a tubal pregnancy that resulted in severe damage and lead to a hysterectomy. Like the other lady who replied, this was also presented to me in a factual fashion, as was the fact that my birth mother was 14 and unable to give me the life she dreamt of me having. I was told that she wanted me badly but really cared about my needs 1st and was realistic in that at her age, she just could not raise me. As for the rest of the other commenter's post, she hit the nail exactly on the head about how to go about it! :)
Sylvia: In that case the adoptive parents should get some counselling and understand why they cannot face their own infertility issues. An adoptee is not there to make an infertile couple feel whole! Your comment shows your ignorance of someone who is too IGNORANT to SHUT AND LISTEN AND LEARN. You have no experience of adoption so listen to those who do!
@@rrickarr agree!!!
@@rrickarr what a rude brat you are! This person asked a respectful question, wanting to hear what the adoptees feel, so they can do things the most sensitive way and best for a child they might adopt, and you smack them down? Shameful, spoiled and bratty attitude!
It seems that everyone wants to be upset about and with the adoptive patents. Yes. You should be appreciative and GRATEFUL! These are people who opened their hearts, lives and homes to nurture someone else's child, just to have it slapped back in their faces. It's complicated for all sides and that is just the reality of adoption. It's not the adoptive parents fault that the child underwent trauma. They are providing a life and opportunity for children who were, for whatever reason, removed from the home.
Queen Elle A.men.
Queen Elle: You are totally clueless and simply display your ignorance. Why should an adopted child be any more grateful than a child who is not adopted? Your comment makes all type of assumptions that you know nothing about. You make a huge mistake in assuming that being adopted is better than staying in an institution!
@@rrickarr I agree. I think her comment just showcases the problems with adoption. The adoptee is made to feel like they owe some gratitude that a biological child is not made to feel. And if a biological parent were to imply a biological child should be greatful for the love and care they get, we would find that disgusting. Yet, it's acceptable to do and say to an adopted child?! No child should feel like they owe anyone anything for being loved, fed, and cared for. And it's not okay to put that on adopted children and act like it's acceptable.
You completely missed the point. I don’t know if you are an adopted but your voice is incredibly ignorant and dismissive of our struggle. I get what you are trying to say but it is an incredibly harmful mentality and focuses too much on the adopted parents and less on the victim of the adoption triad - (the child) .
You are completely ignoring what WE are going through which once again misses the point.
@@jamiejokersin354 exactly! Thanks Jamie for your response! Responses like these are horrid.
As adoptive parents, what can you really do. I feel like dam if you do, dam if you don’t. I understand the trauma. But is it fair to fight adoptive parents who only want the best for the children. Should I just give up on them💁🏾♀️
Sometimes I don’t what to do to help them through. Love is not enough.