A Question You HAVE To Ask Yourself
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 23 ส.ค. 2024
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Im currently on med school and I need to remind me of this constantly. I dont have to be here, I want to, despite of the stress and pressure that comes with it.
No no u have to be there or else u won't graduatate and be whatever it is ur studying for 😅 or else ur just wasting ur time for something u don't want ...
Whenever I feel like I'm trudging through something I try to remind myself that not long ago I was praying to be doing what I'm doing now. My husband is an MS3 so I get to see how rough it is- you'll get through this too!
I would be stressed if I lived on a med school too. Have you tried looking for an apartment?
Eventhough I don't know you ,I'm proud of you for such commitment. I love this awareness .I'm sure your going to make such a difference in the community. Wishing you much success 🙏🕊️✨
Beeach you are a dead meat if you ever encounter me.
You just described the breakthrough I had with therapy. For too long I had the mentality of “I have to do this to succeed” and I could never feel good or satisfied enough, even after I had a big achievement. Once I dropped that mentality, now I’m more “I want to do this because I want to”, even though it’s the exact same tasks and deadlines, but I don’t stress or procrastinate anymore, simply because I’m not burdened by the fear of failure or rejection.
✨
Thank you. Now I think I understand what Mike is saying.
That's how they trick you: saying you need to be "successful" (what does that even mean?), and giving you a recipe that just turns you into a cog. If you actually derive fulfillment from "contributing to society" or whatever that's a different story, but if you don't then you're just wasting your time and effort. I think the worst failure is when you fail with yourself, and just let external sources define things for you.
The difference is discipline and motivation I guess.
I dont get it
Often, it’s not that we want to do something, it’s that we don’t want the consequences of not doing that thing. This is because the consequence is usually more stressful than the thing we don’t want to do.
AMEN
THIS cuz if we go down this path technically we don’t have to do anything
Well put
I think it would've been better phrased as "we have a choice" instead of "we want to" - because I do totally agree with you, many things don't feel like we really want them because we do them out of necessity. psychologically though it does make a difference if you take a minute sometimes to reflect and become aware when you are frustrated with "having to do" certain things you don't really want to. at least it does help me, which is why I'll agree with the general message of this video: realizing you DO have a choice and you are choosing to do a certain thing because you are aware that the other choice(s) outcomes would be less desirable , even if it is a lesser evil, it still gives you a sense of ownership and control of the situation instead of feeling like a robot being made to do something they don't want. it is just a small shift, but really helps the brain and emotions put things into perspective. and sometimes it has helped me make a different choice and accept the uncomfortable outcomes because I was able to choose which "evil" I would be willing to and emotionally capable of dealing with at the time.
@@jencru1351if there are EXTREME negative social consequences to NOT doing something, then how is that truly a “want to do” activity? Aka if there’s an expectation that you will, then that isn’t actually a choice
This is so true, I’ve dealt with this before and seeing it through the lenses of “wanting” it makes it easier to decide what is best for us
Good afternoon Dr mike , it’s good .
FOOTBALL IS LIFE
Dani Rojas Rojas
That was random…
@@Lord_Medieval_Pizza It's a reference to this guy's character in Ted Lasso.
@@BrandenHooper OH THATS THAT DUDE I GET IT NOW THANK YOU
Thanks! I was just trying to remember who he is!!
My mom used to guilt trip me into things by saying, "You have to do this for family," and I would answer, "No, I DON'T have to do it. I will (or won't) do it, but I don't have to." Sometimes I did, often I didn't. People don't understand choice.
Or when they tell you: 'l did it for you', sorry, did l ask you to do it? No, so don't blame me 😅
My family is like this too. Especially when they are asking me to do something. Some day I want to say “If you can’t accept a no, then you aren’t really asking”.
It's important to know when to say no to people. As I have gotten older, I have be a lot quicker to say no and not do things I really don't want to do. Don't let people pressure you or guilt trip you into doing things. As you say, do it if you want to. But feel free to say no if you don't.
My mom did the same. She'd say "we all have to do things we don't want to"
Sometimes you do have to do things you don’t want to. For example feeding my child in the night. Changing diapers I don’t want to do it, I need to otherwise he will die and be completely full with fecals. 🤷♀️
Dani Rojas and Dr Mike. The crossover we didn’t know we needed.
My therapist put me through exercises to show how the way we phrase things to ourselves impacts us. "I should/I have to.." will give us a sense of guilt when we aren't able to accomplish the task or if stress starts up. "I would like to" makes it clear that its for pleasure and not a do or die responsibility and not a force to start building stress.
People get upset if I don’t do the things I’m saying I “have to do” (things Dr Mike would say I “want to do”). I Don’t truly and purely want to do something under duress.
I think this is very individual dependent. For me, saying I ‘have’ to do something means I’ll actually accomplish it and get it done. If I change it to ‘I want’ to do something, then my mind just realizes I could stop wanting it and then not have to do it anymore. Saying ‘I have to do my homework’ means homework will be getting done because there’s the external pressure and my brain is convinced we have to do it to survive. Saying ‘I want to do my homework’ means the only pressure is coming from me, so if I just change my thoughts then the source of the pressure is gone, so homework is not getting done😂
The words we use to talk to and about ourselves matter so much. The difference between "have to" and "want to" is huge. It takes from being a victim to having the power.
Or, "we *get* to do something." It's truly a privilege to be capable of doing things, especially even the mundane.
Agree
Sure but don’t guilt people into it cuz it’s hecking annoying
@@MsBluebotIt's your problem if you're easily guilt tripped.
For me this is generally more useful than "I want to." Because that's not always true. But it is always true to recognize the gift, the opportunity, the privilege of simply being alive and to participate in life.
I don't always want to, but I always get to. This is also less likely to fuel ego.
It is enough to be grateful to be able to do certain things, yes. But all this talk of 'privilege' these days is not only fake, it is also limiting as it is often being used to bash people in the head for the apparent sin of wanting more out of life. Moreover, the very idea of groups of people in society bearing some 'privilege' is seen as problematic and intolerable.
my therapist doesn’t allow “should’s” or “should not’s”!! game changer
My best friend and I tell each other to "quit shoulding on yourself"
(pun on 💩ing for anyone confused 😅)
A sense of control is so important to a persons health. I love this type of content.
Dr. Mike, as a former therapist I think you could be a wonderful mental health professional. I know you are in family medicine, which is wonderful because I know people aren't going into that specialty much anymore. Thanks for everything you do
This is the key thing that keeps me going at my current high stress job despite having quit my previous high stress job. I didn't WANT to be doing that. I HAD to, to make ends meet, to survive, and I was miserable about it. My current job doesn't pay as much and comes with its own stress about like, do I buy food or gas this week, but it's at least something I want to be doing.
I’m currently in this position and your answer helped! Questioning whether to move to a diff role within my company that will still be stressful, but something I WANT to be doing instead of what I’m doing right now.
Every time I want to do something or buy something, I go ask my father for his advice, and he always tells me: do you want it? Or do you need it? ... this mentality actually helped me through my college years because I realised that some things don't deserve to waste my time and money on, especially when I needed my time on other more important matters.
After you have a break in life do whatever you want.
I seriously wish I had a competent doctor like you. My doctor sucks
This might be one of the single greatest pieces of advice I've ever heard
100% agree, i have to always correct myself when i’m doing something that’s good for me and say “i want to do this.” always helps me to actually do it and i always feel better after
I was not ready for the cut to Danny Rojas with the absolute most focused and locked in face ever
Thank you Dr. Mike for the information you give us about what is correct and what is not correct that people should do and I send you a big hug for you also for dog bear and Roxy and when are you going to make a video again with bear, Roxy, your nephews and your sister 🤓
My therapist just brought this to light for me as well. It’s not just a way of working around mental roadblocks, it’s a whole new route that frees up energy for positive emotion and allows you to see more of the world and yourself. I’m still not sure how I fell into that line of thinking but I’m grateful to have the ability to now recognize that “trap” in real time.
The amount of truth in this is astoundingly HIGH! A lot of people need to hear this!
Thanks for inspiring me and millions of others, Mike. As entertaining as your videos are, they offer a lot of insight
Wow. This hit home with me. I’m feeling stuck right now in my life, stressing out over things I WANT to do but am too afraid or nervous. This is a game changer.
this honestly really reduces the stress of living for me, changing the mindset into doing things you want just makes living worthwhile because of the power of choice rather than being forced to do something you don't want to
*As Tony Robbins once said:*
_"We don't get what we want in life, but we get what we have to have!" 💯_
Had this conversation with my therapist recently! Taking ownership of our mental health can be difficult and scary, but if we look to see what the other side may be, we will want to do the work that will get us there!
I've literally just recently discovered this in my life, where a pattern of negative thinking and viewing things in my life as "necessary" was dragging me down. As soon as i decided to change my mindset and instead start telling myself that i was doing things not because i needed to, but because i wanted to, things got a lot better.
I think people massively underestimate the power of talking to yourself in a positive way, and most importantly, being kind to yourself with your own thoughts.
Greatest thing a therapist ever taught me. "I should" mindsets are bad for your mental health.
Note to self :- I want to do this, i want to learn this, I want to go deeper into this, I want to intutitively learn this, I want to have a first principles understanding of this, I want to be able to manage my time and everything to be able to do this very well.
Thanks for reminding me I want to do it and not just I have to even though I am feeling more like this is something I have to while totally forgetting this is something I really wanted.
I learned a long time ago the difference between I HAVE to do something and I NEED to do something. Changed my life ...
It's so true! I always say to my kids when we are working out: "We GET to work out! Not we HAVE to but we get to" It's totally changes your mindset ❤️
Totally agree . Put yourself first and your life is easy
Wow, this guy knows everything. Lived experience = zero . Entitled and self righteous, great combo.
This is a good mental exercise. Realizing that you're doing something because you want to, rather than because you have to, puts you in a totally different state of mind.
This Doctor helps to calm people down haha. All over the World 🌎 🙌 much love from a London fan!. 🎉❤
Thanks for the advice. Too many times have I been stressing myself out over things for others when I could’ve just said sorry, no! 😅
Like my mom’s family who used me for free babysitting. Luckily she was not on their side so now I don’t do that anymore! 😅😅
ahaha, nope nope nope. not my job. Im a princess. i do nothing.
Thank you thank you thank you! This is an incredibly important distinction! Thank you because this is so helpful for me to understand and realize. Have a great day
But, I don't WANT to brush my teeth. Or go to my CT scan. Don't we sometimes just have to do things?
No. You want to brush your teeth so they don't rot. You want to go to your CT for a reason as well. No one is forcing you to.
Not wanting to but have to due to other peoples expectations is a different story but it's still through the lense of a "want" somewhere down the line.
Yeah this is how I feel! I’m surprised the change actually works for so many people. I suppose it’s good if one doesn’t think about it too hard, but my brain thinks about everything too hard, so this way of thinking would quickly send me down the existentialism rabbit hole and nothing would ever get done
I imagine for most people it’s like ‘I want to brush my teeth, because clean teeth are good!”
But in my brain it would look more like ‘do I *want* to brush my teeth?? You know if the only reason why I’m doing this is because I want to, then couldn’t I just decide not to want this? Why should I ant what everybody else wants, what if rotting teeth are just what I think I don’t want because I’ve always been told that? If wanting is subjective then technically I should be allowed to want having no teeth at all, who’d to say that’s not really what I want? Dentures seem like a hassle but so is brushing teeth I technically didn’t even want to be born, but i still was, so why is wanting more important than being? Do I even want to be alive or am i just staying alive because I have to, if the only pressure is coming from myself and nothing else, then if I just stop wanting, then won’t that make the pressure stop without having to do anything?”
Way too exhausting to do that a million times a day, for every single decision. I have much more important things to put my energy towards, it’s a time saver to just view everything as a ‘have to’ so I actually have time to do the things that bring me genuine joy. It’s ok to ‘have to’ do some things in life, and want to do other things! This honestly just feels like toxic positivity to pretend everything is a want to activity
my brain works in a way that if i do something i dont want to but have to i get stressed and if i want to do it i can push myself through the stress, but when it comes to cleaning i have no joy of the thought of cleanliness, i dont feel joy when im finally done cleaning up or take a bath or do laundry so my brain just pushes it aside as a priority until i personally can stand looking or smelling at it and i basically have to get something i consider a reward in order to do these cleaning tasks or i simply just get too stressed and sick if i have to force myself to do it
thinking about weather you have to do something or want to do something, and thinking about what you need rather then what you want is very helpful
One of the exercises in CBT is to change every I “had to” of the day to I “chose to”. Even if it meant to say “I chose to get up for work” because it empowers you to understand you are in control of your actions and external stimuli don’t determine what you CHOOSE to do. Among many other lessons, but this is an actual CBT exercise for a reason!
I think this mentality can be described with the sentence "Fall in love with the journey, not the goal". If you do things because you enjoy doing them, it will remove most of the pressure to succeed.
He’s right. I’m so glad Dr. Mike created his TH-cam channel because there’s a lot of topics he brought up that I think would be beneficial for people to know or just be aware of. He’s a good ambassador for self care.
I love him in Ted Lasso, and such an important distinction to make
It is like how choosing to work extra hours vs. being forced to work extra hours feels very different. Freedom to choose is vital for good mental health!
That's a big thing I learned in Rehab. I know I wanted to get sober but I kept telling myself I needed to. When I learned to change my thinking it helped. Wasn't easy but more manageable.
This is true. When we prioritize them, they are "wants", not "have to dos"
This is much like the classic "you dont HAVE to, you GET to"
Great short here. Retraining the brain to think of something as an opportunity instead of a task seems really small but it's such a mental leap.
I remember offhandedly telling a friend “you don’t HAVE to do anything”. When she was telling me a story about this stressful Friday night. Instead of enjoying after a long week of work, she agreed to go to two different parties in opposite ends of the city. Coincidentally she’s also been a bridesmaid so many times because she’s very social and also a people pleaser. She just felt compelled that she had to accept when really she could choose to do what she wanted. A year or two later she thanked me and I didn’t even remember saying that or that it had registered so deeply with her.
This is one of my favorite shorts. Been using this a lot. It helps :)
That patient can still be there to celebrate her sister without being the maid of honor
I’m a therapist and this reframe is a regular talk I have with clients
True. I started saying “I’m going to school/work” and not I “have to”. Sometimes it’s I “get to” because many others don’t have my opportunity or can’t work and it helps me feel less stuck on a job.
I wish more people would say this. It would save so much drama and overthinking.
This kind of thinking alone helps tremendously!!
This reminded me of what Shantideva talked about in how when something is involuntary, as in “have” to do something, we are out of control, thus feel the unsatisfactoriness. When we take on something like responsibilities voluntarily, it feels lighters as it is done voluntarily. Mindset
Great point. I think Dr K touched on a similar topic further breaking down the "I want to do it" part. You could totally be wanting to do that thing because you still have that voice of society, parent, teacher etc inside of you. Dr K, was asked by a panelist on how to get through something difficult or stressful. Dr K said, you should tough things out when its something that you want. When you have been conditioned to want something/is part of your ego then it's not worth it or may not end well.
I changed it to "get". If I'm finding it difficult to find the motivation to wash the dishes or vacuum the house, I pause and think "I get to wash the dishes. I have clean running water, nice soap, a nice sponge, good dishes covered in remnants of a good meal. I have a safe warm home with nice carpets and a good working vacuum cleaner. I am grateful." I know what it's like to be in a position where I didn't have those things.
This is important and I also have to constantly remind myself of that. I teach and help children w/ special needs and a lot of my colleagues are quitting, so I often feel that I have to do it. But if I could make even a tiny difference for the children, then I want to be where I am at. I will probably retire from this field when I go back to take my master's, so I want to enjoy while it lasts.
💯 True be at peace with every decision and choice made in our lives ❤️🙏
This! This is a realization that took me far too long to have and caused me burnout. Being able to differ WANT and NEED is crucial and then being honest and stand your grounds.
Dani Rojas: "This is great info sir, but what does this have to do with Earl, the dog I killed?"
True, this slso applies to medical decisions. So many people talk like they have to follow a doctor's recommendations. In almost every case the patient has a choice. Own your choices.
Having obligations or expectations blurs the line between want and need.
Another way of reframing it is to say “I get to be the maid of honor”. Wanting something and also being grateful for it helps relieve the stress.
Mental health is extremely important. I was just working on a game that's stressful to me, but I do it for my followers on PS4, but I took a break to attempt to improve my mental health. I feel it surely has worked, but I'm approaching the end of the game, so once it's done, I can go on break for a while, and not have to worry about it. So I definitely understand where Mike is coming from.
And the next important step is to recognize *why* we want something. If something we want stresses us out so much, then maybe we should shift our goals.
Dr. Mike continually shows the world what it means to be a doctor of medicine.
I committed myself to helping my dad out with a big job fixing up my uncles house and garden. On days where I can't really be bothered I always remind myself that it's completely voluntary and no one is forcing me to do these jobs. It makes it much easier to just do what I said I would do. I don't have such an attitude when it's something I'm not forced into
We can also say that we “get to” do something; we have so many opportunities for things that we take on as obligations. Thanks for bringing the reframe to the discussion
I felt so bad and do still to this day for not being there for my best friend’s wedding. It was states away and my baby had been sick over and over and over for months. I ended up telling her I couldn’t be her maid of honor, but it felt so scary and sad. Thankfully she is a true friend. Sad I couldn’t be there, but she understood! She never held it against me. And now that she’s a mom… she would make the same choice.
Had a therapist say it was expectations. The sister probably expects her to be the maid of honor, and we feel ashamed when we can’t meet other people’s expectations.
It becomes difficult when you rely on those people or it’s your job and you need it to survive.
Words have power for sure. And being honest about why you are doing something.
Being intentional with our choices, decisions, actions, etc makes a world of difference in our lives. That is when you become aware and conscious of the present moment. Your internal compass (gut intuition) is powerful so please listen to it.
I just quickly tried applying this to a few of the "have to"s in my life and - wow - such a lovely shift in thought process and outlook!
What a great way to process through stressful times
I noticed that with when people mean to say they're working. It's always "I have to work". If you have to work and don't actually want to be at that job then it's best to asses your motivations to avoid stress and worse.
I’m having a super rough go of it rn in school and needed this to remind me I WANT to graduate, I WANT to go to school. Not that I have to
YES! There is always choice. And keeping that in mind should help us make decisions and commit only to what is truly important to us.
"Do you HAVE to do this or do you Want to do this?"
I HAVE to do this and I don't WANT to do this, but I WANT the result, thus I HAVE to do this.
This is what I've been thinking.
This is true. I found myself always thinking “I have to go to the gym tonight” for months, possibly years. Recently I realized, I’m only lifting weights this often because I want to. Don’t get me wrong, it’s still stressful at times but this small change made me happier.
The most stressed I was this year was when I invited about 20 coworkers to join me for pizza lunch in the park. I brought bricks, wood, kindling, pizza dough and sauce I made from scratch and a bunch of toppings and planned to build the oven and have the fire hot just in time to make their lunch as they arrived. Just as I was to leave home I was tempted to call it off. But I hustled instead and got the fire hot just in time and allowed everyone to get back to work before lunch hour was over. It was a major effort but once I remembered that this was my idea I just dug deep and had a great go of it. They also loved the food!
Accountability is an important part of mental health❤
Always awed by this man. He really is such an Earth angel out here lifting up humanity. We love you Doctor Mike!!
Yes! This so much!! Reminding myself that I wanted everything I was doing got me through law school while working and raising a child as a single parent 💪
It's very much a defense mechanism. When we understand that we could choose not to do the stressful thing, yes it gives us a sense of control but it also means we have to take personal responsibility for the stress. By giving up control linguistically, we also feel less responsible for the stress and guilt. This is also how religion works.
That is so insightful. I think this is going to be my new standard line of questioning when someone i love is stressed. Thank you Mike!
This man has his sh_t together more than anyone else in the medical profession.
Also changing “have to”, to “get to”
“I get to take my kids to school”
“I get to go to work”
“I get to cook dinner”
A lot of things we complain about are privileges.
Something similar I’ve found useful is rephrasing how my anxiety influences my thought process. (The unhealthy anxiety, not the normal anxiety that keeps you safe.)
A lot of the time, I say “I feel like so-and-so is upset with me, even though I know that’s probably not true.” I’ve been trying to start saying “*My anxiety is telling me* so-and-so is upset with me, even though I know that’s probably not true.” My anxiety is *part* of me, but it is *not* me. That small amount of separation makes it easier to examine the situation with a level head.
Imo, the problem is usually more an issue of competing wants than psychological framing of want vs need. She wants to be maid of honor for her sister, but the stress comes from having limited energy, competence, and resources. E.g., she also also wants to have time for her kids, go to the gym, go til bed on time, do a good job at work, arrange a bday for her partner etc.
This is sooo true. Perspective is everything! ❤️
Thank you for the information Dr. Mike
I like to say to myself “I don’t have to do this, I *get* to do this”
You're really smart, wise, intelligent, and eloquent! Thank you for making your content. It's far reaching and much appreciated!
So true! I also found that about quitting smoking years ago. As long as I said I "had" to, I failed. As soon as I switched to I "want" to quit....it was still hard, but I succeeded. 👍
Thank you ❤
I do it when something bothers me: what is in particular bothering me? Does it bother my ego or me?
And now you given me another helping tool, thank you ❤
Understanding early in life that all "needs" are subjective can be very helpful. I mean don't take this too literally, but you only "need" to breathe if you *want* to live. To some degree, everything is a chosen pursuit. It doesn't become invalid because of that