AVOIDANT MEN - How to tell when he's HOPELESS versus when to INVEST your LOVE in him
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 5 ก.พ. 2025
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He's a scared cat, but not ready for change. He didn't want to hurt me and I don't think he intended to. But he did by disappearing for weeks on end when he was overwhelmed by shame. I was kind and empathetic. I tried showing him that I wasn't like his ex. Ultimately, I realized I couldn't make his brain/body believe that I didn't want to hurt and manipulate him. I communicated openly and kindly and expressed my boundaries. I finally honored myself and walked away. It hurts, but it was necessary for my own well-being.
This is me right now !!! It’s the worst feeling ever . And he blames me for trying to talk it out and then sees me as his ex any time I remotely bring up a issue we have
@@nicolelauderdale3919 I'm so sorry. Mine never blamed me. He knew I wasn't doing anything wrong, but he did go deep into shame and wouldn't respond to me only poking his head back in weeks, sometimes months later. It sucks. It's just a bit over a week after deciding I was done and I think about him often wishing things could be different. It's clear they can't right now or maybe they never could. I think about him reaching out to me again at some point in the near future and I just know nothing would be different. It would be more of the same and I don't want to waste anymore of my time and energy. If he were actively blaming me for things and being mean I would've been done with him sooner honestly. You deserve better treatment. It's always good to question and consider why you're accepting how he treats you. I've thought about it plenty and learned a lot about myself in the process. I wish you the best in navigating this mess 🫂
38:05 this both saddened and empowered me. To know I can’t ever love him enough to ever bring him to secure attachment is devastating.
But it allows me to make a plan and set my boundaries and expectations and standards.
As a man with avoidant tendencies, I can attest that when a woman gives me consequences and takes a position of “I need this”, it get my attention and gets through to me. I also tend to feel closer to her, too.
Adam you are great, thanks,2 years of this patern. Comming and going like a injurded animal. I had a lot of experience and patience with difficult horses and I feel sure in myself, so I saw the pattern. With an open heart I protected myself. Saw sometimes the very sweet man inside, but also the wall again. This week I decided to choose for myself and take my freedom again. I love him but he can't be in my world. I stay number 1 and love myself.
I truly believe that this is a great decision and I also think it is the right time also specially during the holidays and the new year to start fresh and loving yourself more
I'm doing the same. I gave enough chances. It's so funny... Adam said you can't love him into changing. In my last message to him, before I even watched this video, I said I realized that no amount of care, empathy, and support will encourage him to change. I abandoned myself and my needs for 8 months. I'm DONE. He wanted to change, but ultimately he wasn't ready I guess. I can't and won't wait around anymore and I will no longer tolerate him going away for weeks when he feels ashamed and coming back when his nervous system is regulated. I feel bad that I'm yet another person who has left him, but I'm not self-sacrificing anymore. I deserve better. Kudos to you for making the hard decision to cut your losses and walk away. I wish you the best 🫂
no, you can't love a man into changing... but you can provide safety and peace for someone to learn to start letting down their defenses. to be willing to try to fix problems together.
This is the best avoidant attachment content I have ever come across. Thank you! And Me, yeah. He's a scared cat. I am thinking of walking away although I'm secure attachment.
I wish someone made videos like these about adhd and relationships. I am not sure my partner has avoidant attachment (likely does), but has adhd and this channel has helped me stay balanced and safe for him. But it's sometimes really hard to understand how to deal with the adhd part.
What a great video Adam. It resonated with me so much. It literally described to a 't' an individual that I was in what I could best describe as a 'situationship' Never any clarity, nothing could be defined, always deflection, disappearing and reappearing acts and criteria that I would need to conform to that seemed to be ever changing. The push pull and mind games, surface level conversation and lack of emotion became unbearable for me. I was called 'needy' and 'demanding' for wanting to see this person more often and was met with "I just spent a whole week with you 3 months ago". The final straw came when I set a boundary and asked if we could compromise start slow at first with seeing each other more often and was met with 'I do not negotiate or compromise'. Welp, like all people who want to exert large amounts of control they usually lose all control. I hope they are happy. 100% manipulative avoidant from what you described.
Thank you so much for watching this video and I believe you need to watch the Situationship video that I made. It was really helpful.
Thanks so much Adam! Pulling it up riht now! You are a blessing you gave me so much clarity and reinforced that my instincts were right and something was not normal in this situation.
11:30 it’s hard to not believe that magic switch exists when we’ve seen people finally lose you… and then turn around and become the person you wanted them to be for years only after they’re with someone else. You have that happen a few times and it becomes nearly impossible to break the belief of “maybe it really all is my fault and I’m the only one who can force things to be better”
The haven't changed. They're taking all that toxic baggage on to the next victim
And do you truly believe that you have changed and how can you tell?
Yes, I met an avoidant guy we dated 10 months then I told him that I had feelings for him, He said that love was not for him, I broke off the relationship said I couldn't be in a relationship where the hearts aren't open and I thanked him for our time (I didn't know the avoidant language at that time). Several weeks later, he text me saying he missed me wanted to get together for an intimate connection, I told him no that I was experiencing a emotional heartbreak, and I had to step out of the relationship cuz I felt him pushing away so I had to honor myself and let go and said an adult conversation might be a healthier approach - I haven't heard from him for 2 months
Yes, thank you, soooooo much!!!! For this video!!!!! I feel you heard me❤ thank you Adam!!!!!!
😂😂😂the intro was hysterical. I've decided he's hopeless.
And is it final?
This video was SOOOO helpful- it’s everything I want and need to say to my avoidant partner. I took that step to state my boundaries and standards and he came back but I need him to show real change and that he’s rising to the challenge. I’m afraid he’s going to try to continue our unhealthy patterns. We shall see.
Good luck! I just cut mine off and blocked him. I tried so hard. I'm done. I hope you have a better outcome.
Thank you- I hope I do too. Love him lots!
Such a great video thank you!! The prompts on how to have these convos is 😘 👌🏼
Thank you so much for that and please don’t miss the upcoming episodes for the holidays
This was a really good reminder. Thank you so much Adam😊😊😊
You’re absolutely welcome thank you so much for watching and please let me know which part was your favorite
@@AttachmentAdam The part when you said that love won't change a man. Only through pain and suffering will he want to change.
I can’t wait to see the interviews with the avoidant women. That’s gonna be dope
Thanks for a great live as always! 👩🏾💻📚💜
Can you clearly define "emotional intimacy" ?
I have an entire video called, what is emotional intimacy? Go check it out.
This is so brilliant, Adam, and painful for me to hear. I had an intense and beautiful 3 weeks with a man who suddenly pulled away and said he wasn't ready for commitment. I wish I'd listened to this video 4 weeks ago! It's over now and I'm in huge pain and wishing I'd realised he was an avoidant even though I sensed it at the beginning. Is there any point in reaching out to him now? He's gone back online dating (where I met him...we are both in our mid 60s) and his by line thing is 'Is this the last chance saloon?' so yes, I'm looking on the site too because I am ready for a relationship....so now I'm punishing myself saying he just couldn't tell me that it wasn't me he wanted but EVERYTHING about him was moving towards me during the time we saw eachother. How can I stop feeling attached to him? It's hurting.
3 years in an on and off relationship with a very avoidant man. Exhausting. Let's me in and tosses me out. It's very painful. I've considered hiring you to help us. We're on opposite sides of the country.
If you ever needed any help, please email me at support@adamlanesmith.com and we could find a solution for that
7:45 My female partner is 9 years is avoided It's been hair-raising. Really have to get your help on figuring this out If you can point me any more videos on this I'd really appreciate it
reach out to support@adamlanesmith for assistance!
11:29 That's how it is in the movies. That's how I was raised as a man. And guess what I get women just like this. All I am is a wallet. All I am is a wallet. All I am is a wallet "Man Wallet"
You are just a "resource generator" If you think of it in gaming terms
Adam, tell me. Hopeless or not?
5 months in a relationship with an avoidant. and he's already pulled away or pushed me away 3 times (but he always looked for me after a day or two).
the third time was today. First he told me that he lacked fire, but that i’am excellent to him and a great friend, he didn't want to lose that. Now he says it's better if we stay apart for a while, and we'll talk again after the hollidays. Is this normal?
He says that he has been acting badly to me and that he doesn't want to hurt me. I asked him not to decide things for me. but he says that For now it's better this way. without sitting down and talking to me. Just decided and that’s it.
While you don't want to commit fundamental attribution error, behaviour is a language.
It reads like you have already lost novelty, you have not yet build an emotional bond, and he's keeping you in the periphery for whatever reason (slow fade, you might be useful in the future, you could be an option if he has no other option left, etc).
I think he doesn't want the responsibility expectations of Christmas gifts/cards etc it's too much pressure for them
@@FaithfulandTrue777 Maybe you're right. He was shocked when I said I already had a gift for him
@@Amoki86 I confess that I’m confused. I have seen a lot of information and sometimes I don't know how to analyze or what to do....
@@MonicaAmaral-j6k Here's the thing: commitment, love, intention should not be confusing.
If he's making no effort to clear up the confusion, he's not interested in being clear. Either press into that, move on, or both.
Got to good behavior only so you can do those nice things like cooking with old man and I am right but only if he’s been being good, just can’t reward bad behavior
That intro 🤣
Too much masculine in a man can create distance
I left him … he’s back promising the world
Thanks for telling women the traits of a bad cat. So many relationship experts give advice without telling you what the bad cats look like. They’re too afraid to “emasculate” men. You don’t know how many times I’ve applied advice meant for scared cats to the bad cats and I got pulverized by the bad cats. The “experts” lead me to slaughter because they were trying to reach a wide audience and omitted very pertinent information that caused many women dangerous pain. One of the experts admitted it and said sorry to her entire base while explaining what a dangerous man is FINALLY. But it was too late and I lost all faith in her omitting information that caused me to waste literally 10 years on a bad cat. It was so irresponsible. She held that important information and only had it in one of her paid workshops so all this advice all these innocent women were trying on bad cats was a waste all because of Alison’s irresponsibility and greed. So thank you for not holding back what the bad traits are in a manipulative avoidant. You should do an entire podcast on it because so many women cannot tell the difference.
YES....! He absolutely should, I agree.
so, if he calls me mean names?
ok..29:00...got it:///
Almost 17 years
I’m pretty burnt out
Not married
How stupid can someone feel? Pretty stupid
Anxious-me
Avoidant-partner
Ugh sounds like me. These men will string you along for decades and see nothing wrong with it. In fact to them it's just "smart." It's ridiculous how they don't feel ashamed of their behavior.
You know who has full power to make that 18 years or not.
"Know when to hold em know when to fold en know when to walk away".
(The Gambler, Kenny Rogers)
@@evadebruijn Not helpful, though you might have intended well with your comment, in my opinion. It's pretty obvious she realizes her part, no need to point that out for someone who is likely hurting over hanging on all those years. 🤷🏻♀️
The easiest solution is not to get involved with an avoidant person. Very simple. It's not one's role to be their therapist.
Once a month? I was seeing him almost everyday and every weekend.
And how did that work out for you?
Not good, i mean it felt nice but he still slow faded away.
I am the avoidant! Help!!!
15:56 All I can think of is cooking in the nude is both a health and safety hazard. 🤢
28:02 ❤❤❤❤
From my experience, avoidant men don't like to be touched.
And have you seen my other videos that talks about how to bond with an avoidant?
@@AttachmentAdam Yes, I have.
Avoidant man will change based on circumstances. What will make an avoidant woman change?
Interesting? What part of the video can I find this talking point ? (I don't have time to watch entire video right now)
I'm an avoidant woman. I think it's the same... Broken marriage, then a relationship with another avoidant man made me find out about attachment styles. And my two young children. I don't want to raise them the same way, how I was raised.
I avoid relationships now and do therapy.
I think most people have absolutely no idea about their avoidant attachment style.
You just need to wait for the upcoming videos as I will be dedicating one to avoid in women
I have been working in oxytocin bonding into the last couple of times we had sex, and my scared cat's testosterone (in midlife) went through the roof... hahaha. He had already written off his sexual performance for the rest of his life, suddenly feels like superman, and it seems like its making him abut 50% less scared. We also now have plans to do more dates way in advance and he's calling me to talk about nothing for two hours at a time... just because he wants to hear my voice. So, I'll keep working on this for a few more months and see if he continues to move towards security.
wow. you are a real one for doing that for both of you
10:10 💯
Me🥺
16:33 ❤❤❤❤❤❤
Around 15 minutes in:
That is so disrespectful, to not consider someone being serious, only unless they wield leverage/put consequenses. If you do not take a spoken request seriously, you do not take the other person seriously, you do not have respect for that person, period.
Which you claim to love and be your partner? That is ludicrous. IMO such people deserve to be dropped like a hot potato.
Testing how far they can take it, that is behavior fit for a toddler. What a massive turn off.
See the Gottmann's studies pointing out how turning away instead of toward is detrimental to the quality of the relationship. Quality is built. Excellence does not fall from the bloody sky. Why is that obvious for stuff like cars and Formula 1 racing, but not strong, healthy relationships?
Failure to take notice and complacency for sure are no building blocks for a happily ever after. So if it is easy street you want, you will end up alone. (Or together at a therapist office, if you're lucky)
Can you do a video on ethical avoidants who are in long term relationships who are otherwise loving and supportive but too risk averse to marry?
He tells me he wants to marry me and wishes we were by now, but he hasn't because marriage makes him concerned about money and thinking I will be able to tell him what to do and risks to his finances and what if I divorce him, and everyone he knows is in unhappy marriages, and I struggle with anxiety and he says divorce rates are even higher when a partner has anxiety, on and on. His overanalyzing of risks is out of control when we discuss this so he exhausts himself arguing his points in circles so we never come to an actual resolution. It always ends with him being exhausted and just asking if we can be done talking. Nothing I say makes any difference he always has a counter argument or the risk is too great. While at the same time saying he does love me and wants to marry me eventually. He says he just wants to "get along better" first and he's talking about my anxiety, he needs my anxiety about not being married to be down first before he can feel comfortable marrying me. Like a catch 22
do Adam's "how to love an avoidant man" video! If you have clear evidence he is an ethical avoidant, start learning to talk in accountant/COO-speak (risk-tracking, risk mitigation, benefit delivery, intentionality/purpose) and demonstrate that you are a person who keep your word.
On the other hand, also make sure you're not neglecting yourself and geting traumatised. If you are feeling like you are walking on egg-shell, make sure you are doing things to burn cortisol (active sweating during exercise) and doing stress-release stuff, but also do not ignore your "gut" feeling.
(I'm a FA in recovery. Accountant/COO-speak is how my avoidant side gets engaged)
@@Amoki86 Thanks. Yes I'm sure he's ethical avoidant, he shows all the other signs and I even know what most likely contributed - in college his parents literally dropped him off, gave him $100 and said good luck. They were going for tough love but it backfired. He had to go hungry a lot as he was struggling to survive at school, he often brings that up as to why he's so careful now. I just don't know if I can or should believe he ever will actually commit or if my behavior will never be "good enough" for him no matter what. He says he just wants us to "get along" better first but idk what exactly that means or if should even trust it.
And when he’s saying that he wants to marry you, is he planning for that? Does he have a specific timeline for it?
@@AttachmentAdam Nope not at all. He can't give me that. He always says he just wants to get along better first. And always talks about wanting peace and how he's never had peace. I think this is all problems inside him and he's thinking me changing will make him feel better. maybe I'm wrong, but will me fixing my anxiety actually make him commit? I don't want to throw this relationship away, we have been together many years and things are otherwise good except this marriage issue destroying us. Tbh I know you're not supposed to use sex as a weapon but i'm at that point bc I don't know what else I can possibly do except say I think it's best to wait for marriage now since nothing else is motivating you.
@ 32 the chick labels the man a coward, he is rightfully avoiding you. You will always cause Men to leave. You.
Me
That sounds like BS. 1:12
This episode is far yoo filled with interminanle bla bla bla gilled with far too many asides yo be watchable abd get any value. Stick ti the topic
Avoidant man will change based on circumstances. What will make an avoidant woman change?
The answer to this question would be soon in my upcoming videos, as I am dedicating a one for avoidant woman
Me
Me