Protecting Teenagers
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 17 ธ.ค. 2024
- An advance look at Gavin de Becker’s Master Class series based upon his book, The Gift of Fear. giftoffear.com
Since this is an advance look, some classes might change - and new classes are being added.
Episode 106
I wonder how many women, after having watched this, have had horrible memories come flooding back that they had forgotten - or blocked out when they were young?
Me, for one. I’m so much more grateful for my wonderful husband who drives me crazy sometimes but has not once crossed this line.
Every woman and teenage girl needs to see this masterclass. Thank you.
Boys have to be taught this too. So they don't become like animals.
Keep away from porn/ violent games
- encourage giving to the poor- teaches empathy
- some children turn out to be horrible abusive adults because of their parents.
The interviews of serial killers / rapists are interesting- many were not taught empathy/ right effction/ love- some were abused themselves, others went to church and had ok childhood.
Many boys and teenage boys are learning about sex from porn. And it can become an addiction.
Many men are addicted to date sites.
i dont have that much to live and i must find a way to convey this lesson to my little daughter. plus she's italian, its not like i can just make her watch a video in english.
@@alaskamattel1165❤🤔
Agree.
I usually say, "I said no. That means stop." Whenever I've said no and someone continues disrespecting my boundary, they usually get the hint that I'm not going down without a fight when I say that. Please stay safe.
I always say I have to go clean the popcorn machine.
Being "nice" and not saying "no" can also lead to cancers and other illnesses. Dr. Gabor Mate has several books and videos on the subject. He has a book called 'When the Body Says No.'
Bingo
@@007nadineLabsolutely
This is such a valuable video. Thank you Gavin. As a father of 2 daughters and a teacher I am now promising myself I will share this great information with my fellow human beings.
This is why the "be kind" message is odious. It's usually about putting others' needs before your own - to the extent that they might even be dangerous to you. I would love this workshop to roll out into every high school on the planet. One thing that enrages me is that the onus is all on the girls to defend themselves. What about stopping the boys from treating girls and women with such contempt, never mind violence.
I think you are confusing being kind with being nice. What you are talking about is being nice. Being nice makes one passive and easy to control due to the behaviors that you describe. However being kind is more selective as it involves active decision making on part of the individual as to who is deserving of the kindness and who is not.
In short being nice=be kind to every body irrespective of your situation
being kind= help people if you are able and if they deserver it.
Another problem is that young girls and even older women are often attracted to aggressive (not neccesarily violent) men who can be abusive. They see kind ,considerate men as dull and boring. And we often have these situations. I dont want to blame the victim but really women are the gatekeepers here.
@@rao8559 You literally are blaming the victim here.Women are socialised, as are men. The stereotype of women liking nasty men is just that - a stereotype. It's not provable.
@@deborahevans4811 You see it is this type of lack of internal reflection that is the flipside of overabiding to patriarchal norms that is also harming women. Have you never been a young woman. Are you saying you have never been attracted to an anti social type?
Every woman at some point of her life has gone through this stage. It is only one of degree. For some , probably many girls , it is just a relatively harmless guy with a motorcycle and speaks rudely to policeman and teachers. But for many women it is quite severe. Burying your head in the sand and whining about me "blaming the victim" doesnt help anybody.
I would not prefer to walk around wearing gold jewellry speaking loudly on my latest iphone attracting attention late at night in a shady part of town. Of course when the inevitable happens, I am not to exclusively blame for the mugger who robbed me but I have to take some responsibility in not engaging in such stupid activities
I told the man no. When this stranger asked me why I didn’t want to go have a drink with him, my response was,
"I don't have to have a reason why. The answer is no," in my best Judge Judy tone.
JJ has normalized power tone for women and girls.
It only I knew how to say "no" when I was a teenager . . .
Thank you so much for this, Gavin. I forwarded it to my daughter so she can discuss it with my teenage grandchildren.
This is great information,I am reading. The Gift of fear for the second time in 2023....great job Gavin .
I hope Gavin releases another book like Gift of Fear, these videos are good!
My brother’s best friend, who was three years older than me(I was 13), offered to walk me home after a party he had invited me to. Just going over there to play video games, and he asked if I wanted some juice and I said yes. I remember thinking at the juice tasted somewhat fermented, but drank it anyway. I have been playing baseball all day. These were back in the days when parents didn’t keep tabs on their kids all the time. Within 20 minutes I started to feel very lightheaded and not so good so I said “I’m gonna go home. I don’t feel so good” my brothers friend, offered to walk me home, since my house was close, but it was a wooded area between the houses. As soon as we got into the woods, he forcefully kissed me and started tearing at my clothes. Sadly, this was my first kiss. I screamed and yelled and kicked and fart and he must’ve been scared that somebody would hear me because he took off and ran away. My brother was away at a camp, so when he was not at a party. Not that he would’ve protected me because my brother was not very nice. Anyway I get back to my house and it’s about 9:30 PM. At this point, I figured out that obviously he had put a large amount of alcohol in my drink, and I was feeling sick and could hardly walk. But I was terrified to tell my parents. I knew that they would accuse me of being stupid for walking alone with a boy and going to a party. Because a lot of people do that. They blame the girl and her choices. I was a child. I was wearing my baseball uniform. Not that it should matter. Yes, girls need to be taught self awareness, but I am so sick of people telling girls that it’s the way they dressed or the things they did because back in the Victorian days when women were covered from neck to toe women still got raped at the same rate it’s not about the clothes
This was the wisdom of young girls having a chaparone.
Yes it’s a great idea.wish it had been in my day. It was a day & night mare in the 60s
Also, do what you can so your daughter doesn't have to wait tables or bartend
I was never a big Sarah Silverman fan, but her story broke my heart. I'm so sad that happened to her.
I never had anything to that level happen to me, but I can relate, I definitely had people who made me so uncomfortable. I was 21. It didn't even completely register.
20 years later, I'm horrified for my 21 year old self. As women, we have to protect our girls, our young men too.
Thank God for programs like this.
I knew my classmates disliked me, so I was fine with them being kinda afraid. They didn't cross my boundaries. I carried that same attitude elsewhere. My family taught me to be safe first, not caring about being polite or agreeable.
I also had a teacher hug me in a way that felt weird. My classmates thought it was bad to react the way I did. I just told him not to do that again and repeated my no when he started talking.
Also, I remember being very conscious about safety. I wasn't afraid of being punished by my parents, I was afraid of other people. That's why I didn't drink or do other risky things.
My Dad always said there is no such thing as a "Platonic Relationship". He was proved to be right time after time...
My father has a tendency to do this when sitting near my mom they are both in their 90s and Dad has dementia. We caught him doing this while the three of us where watching the Olympic gymnastics many years ago he was Turned on by the young female gymnasts. Mom quickly realised what he was doing and she quickly changed the Chanel and told him to go to bed. I asked her is that the first time he has done that and she said no. I only visit them now when mom is home with Dad, even though Dad is 91 years old I don’t want to be alone with him in case he dose it around me. Mom also has to keep him away from the other females in the family and any female friends of moms. Mom won’t allow him to have a female doctor because of his behaviour recently. He never was like this years ago it’s only been in the last 5 years that he has started behaving like this. Mom and my older stepsister think it is because of he’s dementia that he is acting this way. It’s a little distressing for my mom however Dad has a model train hobby and that keeps he’s mind occupied most of the time. It seems to be at night whilst watching the tv whilst sitting next to mom that brings it on. The football will bring it on which is unusual because they are all men.
Omfg
It is because of his dementia. All research will tell you and other people. Investigate for yourself and you will feel so much better. It’s part of his gradual decline. Medication is given for it.
He doesn’t understand. He’s not himself.
I disagree. I think people with dementia are actually the most themselves in the world. They no longer have the social control over their deep instincts.
My MIL has been a horrible person to me in private for years. Now that dementia has taken over, she’s treating her children the same way. They are all shocked, my husband most of all. I reminded him that years ago I had shared what she would say to me.
My experience is limited but I think dementia just allows their true identity to surface. I just hope that I’m reasonably nice when it’s my turn. It could go either way.@@PatriciaS-t1x
I don't think this is just dementia. Actually I think dementia destroyed the "control" wall and now his prevalence became "public"
I would be afraid, I would be very afraid and never be with him alone ever again, I would not let the grandkids around alone ever again, I'm sorry for your mom. She might know more than she's telling you about and she might be ashamed that she "chose him".
3:08 Thank you for making that distinction 🚫🍻
The woman speaking 40 minutes in seems tone deaf. The room should be a safe space for these brave women. Two women tell stories of blaming themselves for SA and she immediately talks about teen girls being more "responsible" for entering dangerous situations. Jessica Savitch, one of the first network news anchorwomen, stated that SA "is the one crime where the victim has to prove her innocence”.
agreed. he should do another masterclass targeted at men to try and actively change the culture. being aware of your personal safety is important, but sarah silverman is absolutely right -- it needs to start with raising boys differently.
Should we train murderers to not murder? Should we train lions not to lion? No, we should give potential victims the ability to defend themselves.
Agreed. I didn't like her comments at all.
Yes we should absolutely train murderers not to murder. Yes yes we should. Also people are not lions. Is the expectation that a boy behave better than a lion too much? Boys are humans- they can handle it
No
Get lost
Just found this video. Excellent!
Yep..... I was that teenage girl.
This video is SO valuable in spite Sarah Silverman who "shoulds" all over the place. WE have to work within reality and it's norms, on it's terms .... feeding delusional thinking isn't mitigating suicide rates
I was surprised by how ANGRY she looked (and for no reason).
@@kristinstrickland1038 Wtf? She has every reason to.
@@npineapple3077 I meant angry at the man interviewing her (the author - I forget his name). She was looking at him personally with a lot of scorn for a few moments. I didn't feel he had said or done anything to warrant that. I watched her full interview in another video and thought she did a great job overall - I liked her.
the only delusional thinking that exists is patriarchy and purity culture. It's people like you who holds society back because you don't propose BETTER ways of constructing society but instead bend over and resign yourself into accepting this dystopian nightmare. give me a freaking break.
Yep
Vote Bear 2024
Females can be clever/ persuasive aswell. We MUST also TEACH boys rules boundaries and what is wrong/ not acceptable with rejecting others respectfully without being rude UNLESS they don't know how to accept NO.
That dynamic is statistically irrelevant
We shouldnt have hide are bodys
Disturbing to hear a woman (40 min. in) who seems to believe teen girls are responsible for their SA if they don't behave the right way. DeBecker explains that teen girls can feel invincible, they're exploring their sexuality, and they want to feel they are independent in explaining why their vulnerable to SA.
She explicitly say she doesn't. Don't twist people's opinions, just because you don't want to take them into account.
It happens to a lot of young woman
29:00 girl r u serious ?? U have no one to blame but urself who lets a strange man they don’t even know give them a massage.
Live and learn
That's an insane story, but some people are overwhelmingly pushy.
Hey so this is victim blaming. She consented to a massage. Not being fondled. She was so vague about the story; you don’t know the manipulation he used.
He touble please beware
I appreciate the discussion on boys being friends with girls, teenagers vs adults.
As a bisexual, I find it bigoted to claim men can't be friends with women due to possible sexual attraction. In theory, I could be attracted to every single one of my friends, but that doesn't mean I need to be kept at a farther distance or be banned from friendships. If I harass a friend into being sexual, that behavior is unacceptable but that's the problem. The behavior, not the attraction
I don't care what you think. I'm going to keep myself safe
Very well stated: “the behavior, not the attraction”. I sense that you interact appropriately with those around you.
There are millions of people who maintain friendships with potential partners without pushing the issue. As a married woman I was surprised one day to feel attracted to my husband’s coworker. I’m clearly not going to ACT on that attraction but it was there.
I think the vast majority of people can maintain proper boundaries with each other. I just don’t think it’s wise to assume they WON’T cross the line OR that they WOULD cross the line if given half a chance. The first attitude leaves one vulnerable while the second makes one paranoid. The only absolute in personal relationships is that there ARE NO absolutes.
Is there anything more embarrassing than to have a son
Wtf
Excuse me? That's a terrible thing to say.
I agree with you. I am glad I have a daughter.
Having a son and not teaching him to respect girls/women boundaries
That lady who said she has lots of guy friends. Sounds like my ex. She knows they like her but she will only say something if they interject when she doesn't like it. She basically uses them. Why else would they be friends, they think they have a chance. My ex used guys like that for a long time. She doesn't have the capacity to think about it? Takes 2 seconds.
Get a grip.
oh boo hoo, someone got burned. get over it
If she can get anything out of these male friends why shouldn't she? It's their problem not hers
@@007nadineL with girls like that, their whole life becomes a problem over time
Sarah is just as beautiful as she is funny. That is, none of each. But f- that. I wouldn't wish that kind of abuse on the worst comedian who ever lived, which again, is Sarah Silverman.
We shouldnt have hide are bodys