Wizard Insurance | Late Night Tumblr Posts
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Two things I know about Greg:
1. Wizard insurance covers getting killed by him.
2. He kills often enough for wizard insurance to cover getting killed by him.
Counterpoint; we can also infer that while getting killed by him is a notable possibility, the chances of it happening aren't high enough for the insurance company to consider covering it a guaranteed loss; this implies that if proper precautions are taken it is an avoidable hazard.
also since it's in "Wizard Insurance" it means that he spessifically kills wizards, otherwise it would have been in regular insurance or spellcaster insurance
@@bitethedust3561 Wizards are quite notoriously the "fuck around and find out" group of spellcasters. I mean witches are generally concerned with minding their own business and occasionally cursing those who have wronged them. It's like, just be nice to people and don't go stealing from stranger's gardens and they aren't really a problem. Warlocks have more in common with a political activists or lobbyists representing certain magical groups that are marginalized in the human world, like demons or fairies or other creatures that just get a bad wrap. Powerful, sure, but ultimately probably not worth dealing with? Artificiers have OSHA to worry about. Sorcerers are basically just magic socialites with a genetic condition and rarely cause problems. Clerics and Druids already have people keeping them in check.
But wizards are just out there, doing whatever, opening portals between the bottom of the ocean and the surface of the moon to see what will happen or just leaving prophecies and magic swords laying about because they can make those with wizardry. How often do you hear about ancient druid circles trying to bind eldritch horrors that hate everything to guard their vault of weapons that will kill everything? Artificiers might make an army of the dead, but they just use them to build primitive computers by having the undead perform simple yes/no responses, and generally with a purpose because resources like that aren't cheap and can better go to other things.
So, yeah, I can definitely see a bunch of old dudes with reality warping powers, off their rockers on mercury as often as not, causing enough problems that someone would have to specialize.
@@Rodomist Reading this made my day.
@@Rodomist t-thank you Greg
Okay, a bee the size of a cat would be a freaking horror. Imagine getting stung by a bee that large, then having its harpoon-like stinger getting ripped out of its body once the sting is done. Then, imagine the terror you'd feel as, once the bee's attack pheromones are released, you hear the angry buzzing of hundreds of vengeful bees ready to sting you as well. *Nightmarish.*
@@AM9436. Thanks for that horror image in my head.
@@AM9436. I think that increasing the amount of oxygen in the atmosphere wouldn't increase the size of cats since they have proper lungs and hearts, it increases the size of insects because they're dependant on simpler concentration differentials to distribute oxygen around their bodies unlike mammals and other large animals that have dedicated organs to filter and pump it by force.
@@AM9436.mice would be the size of us.
😼FEAR ME TOY HUMAN.
It's like they didn't even see the space bee episode of Futurama.
Yeah, there's never just *one* bee.
"A bee the size of a cat would be nice"
Maybe, maybe. But that would imply sharing the world with _dog-sized wasps_ , and I think I would rather throw myself off a cliff than even think about it
But with the personality of a dog?
Might I propose: Bees the size of dogs and wasps that die immediately when it rains?
I happen to be very good friends with the local paper wasp nest. They live in my window and protect my room from incursion by ladybugs and horseflies.
@@Kovacs343 lady bugs are nice but horseflies can go die in the fires of hell
EVERYONE would take Charizard as their starter Pokemon. EVERYONE.
I like to believe Wizard Insurance had in mind for Top Surgery something like “You got your upper half turned into a crow’s one, don’t worry we got you” but then were just cool with covering transitions and never went back to clarify the original meaning since they didn’t care about it much.
Why would I want to turn my upper half back into a normal one? Crows are fuckin rad.
@@CoraCreates It's hard to cast spells with wings, and you can't fly because your lower half is still human (presumably)
@@mathybrain8 just get the lower half transformed too. duh. magic crow.
It would be annoying if you just got transformed into a dragon and/or wanted to go for the shambling pile of moss look, or dangerous if you have an allergy to feathers and/or birdseed. Also, keep in mind the insurance doesn't just cover crow transformations - imagine if a wizard made your top half look like a stereotypical Karen.
@@mathybrain8 I could probably learn how to use a wand with my beak.
"I don't have a Bunny" You do too! At least 5, don't lie to me. Now make sure Cyana gets a little smooch for me. And Grape. And Acai. And Solaria. And you too, make sure you get yourself a little smooch ya lil' void bun.
P.M.: “I don’t have a bunny.😢”
Me: “No, but you got something better.” Points to Cyana
“I need better insurance, this is the 40th time this year an assassin witch has tried to kill me and just turned my leg into a random object instead.”
Anyone else have weird hankerin' for some food you either know doesnt exist or isnt feasible for you considering where you are?
Edit: O-O uhhhmmm.... UUHHHH, I DIDNT EXPECT TO BRING TOGETHER ALL THESE PEOPLE!
....
....
Y'know what? I'm just gonna take some chalk and use it to Section the area a bit so we aren't so crowded. Think I'll just do 42 sections so we got plenty of room.
French food
Gib me you location and desires and I'll see what I can do
me, I've been craving Takoyaki for over 2 years now
problem is I live in Israel, and there isn't even a _single place_ in this country that serves Takoyaki (I checked)
we had exactly 1 and they stopped
The doesn't exist part for me. I want all-round healthy food that doesn't require 10+ dishes to count
Me with most potato products (in America. I just want the fun stuff we have too many fries-)
As a cleaner, I think I speak for us all when I say that if I ever catch someone deliberately making a mess the shop and thinking they did me a favour... I will straight up knock them to the floor and make them clean it up.
I'm reminded of that meme where kids would smash two gallons of milk on the floor for likes. Then that one kid slipped, broke his jaw, and got negative sympathy.
Yeah, no, if the oxygen density is high enough for giant bees, then it's high enough for giant arthropods in general. And I for one will embrace nuclear annihilation before I am forced to live in such a hell-world.
But there’s a chance mothra becomes a reality
@Sacc_the_bambaspis
I don't mind Mothra, it's when Aragog becomes a reality that I'm gonna have a problem.
But I'd love a world where Vi the Bee, Kabbu the Beetle, and Leif the Moth are real!
@@tbotalpha8133 time for a helldive boys
Did expect to see a Bug Fables comment on here.
That thing about sweeney Todd does makes sense, like lovett really does go from "shame about my pie shop" to "consider... cannibalism" within the span of a few musical numbers
I read the title as insurgence and expected wizard violence
That can be arranged.
To whom, and how much is requested?
Their insurance covers that too.
2:41 me: *gestures wildly at Cyana, Grape, and the other cosmic bunnies* YES YOU DO!! AND WE LOVE THEM! ❤
"I don't have a bunny" P.M, Pario, Ainanis, and Vacuo would all like to have a word with you. How that works, I dunno, it'd probably be non-canon because all 3 are technically the same person but at the same time that would be the most chaotic thing I can think of.
0:10 See, I work at a grocery store. If someone did that, the urge to commit a felony would be VERY STRONG.
3:05 As someone with a deathly fear of wasps which has extended to anything buzzing in my ear, I would just never go outside again.
0:43 Is something I genuinely do. Especially for shows that I *love*.
I don't want to be watching my favourite show when I'm sick, and have the fact that I feel like shit weigh down the enjoyment I could be getting out of it, and ultimately associate that show with 'that time I felt absolutely like ass'.
And of course, there are some things you just have to be in a certain mood for- who watches a horror movie at noon, when the sun is shining and it's bright out and the noise pollution from the streets is seeping into your walls? When you could be watching the horror movie, in the middle of the night, when it's dark... and quiet... and the only sounds you can hear, are the sounds of the snapping of bones as the monster takes yet another victim...
Although, to an extent it kind of is a problem. My "Watch Later" list is massive, bloated with videos that 'I genuinely, really want to watch... I just wasn't in the mood to watch it then and there when I first saw it on my feed, and/or saw some other, shinier thumbnail, that fit my mood better in the moment, catch my eye in the moment and just added the video to my watch later list before I started the video with the shinier thumbnail instead.
I once drew a pixie sitting with a bumblebee in her lap like a cat. Because I headcanon that the small fae keep bumblebees and ladybugs as pets to cuddle and play with.
3:00 As somewhat of a writer myself, I figured out one of the possible reasons for this. When you publish something, you get excited about your fans' reaction, and your attention fixates on it. If the reaction is too little/not what you expected, you get disappointed and lose motivation to write further. If the reaction, miraculously, matches your expectations, you get even more excited and continue paying all your attention to it, and, again, not to writing further. It's especially bad with WIPs, because a finished story doesn't require much of a writer's work anymore (maybe only some small corrections), while WIPs do. So, for the writers out here, be careful to not fall into the trap of external motivation, and remember that the best time to publish a story, or even a chapter, is when it's done and you're sure about it! :)
3:06 okay pet fluff bee sounds nice and all, but the *mosquitoes are coming for you*
Here in Georgia, we just call that summer. (Or roughly from February to October)
@@rayanderson5797 Same for Florida. And probably the rest of the South US
The first one just reminds me of the shopping cart theory.
Edit: it's a bit td;lry but I figure I should probably add what that is for the unaware.
"The shopping cart is the ultimate litmus test for whether a person is capable of self-governing.
To return the shopping cart is an easy, convenient task and one which we all recognizes the correct, appropriate thing to do. To return the shopping cart is objectively right. There are no situations other than dire emergencies in which a person is not able to return their cart. Simultaneously, it is not illegal to abandon your shopping cart. Therefore, the shopping cart presents itself as the apex example of a person would do what is right without being forced to do it. No one will punish you for not returning the shopping cart. No one will fine you or kill you for not returning the shopping cart. You gain nothing by returning the shopping cart, you must return the shop and cart out of the goodness of your own heart. You must return the shopping cart because it is the right thing to do because it is correct.
A Person who is unable to do this is no better than animal, an absolute savage who can only be made to do what is right by threatening them with a law and the force that stands behind it.
The shopping is what determines whether a person is a good or bad member of society."
Do I count as a good person if I take the shopping cart out of the carpark, walk all the way home with it, put my groceries away, store it my garage for 1 to 8 months along with a collection of other shopping carts that just sort of accumulate every time I go shopping and forget to bring the one in my garage back, and then just bring them all back to the store in one long conga line of borrowed shopping carts?????
@@Lunam_D._Roger this is what we call. chaotic good/neutral energy. You inconvenienced people with your theft, but followed through with returning the carts.
And then you have those that actively will go out of their way to make things difficult. Such as lifting one cart onto the backs of several others in such a way that you can’t move them.
@@Gorbihn Bro, I've seen shopping carts put on top of those huge, multilayer fountains in public parks. Dunno how tf someone got them up there. Some people are way too determined to be a nuisance.
I like how the reply to that first one implies that when you leave a shopping cart lying around in the parking lot, the store has to hire a new employee to go get it
2:40
Patrick, I need Shiro giving Cy a little snoot smooch.
2:45 They call it a “die” because that’s what you do when it hits you
I need me a cat sized bumble bee but I'm afraid of how loud it would be buzzing around. Could you imagine having to brush flower dust off of it before you let it come inside the house lol.
3:14 we’d die if the amount of oxygen in our atmosphere was above 20%
Just wear protective gear, or pace your breathing
@@feuerling no like instantly 1 breath and you’d drop dead you would overload your body with oxygen and die
Plus that viscous force that allows bees to fly would not be affected by the change in oxygen that much in comparison to the inertial force that allows planes to fly.
0:55 oh boy this is me with both avatar and voltron atm i know i love them both but i cant just sit and watch them whenever because my brain just goes "nah not feelin it"
@@HungryAbyss31415 Voltron’s gone.
Most shows, honestly.
I've tried to start The Owl House four times over the last year, but my depression keeps turning off my serotonin production :/
The last show that I started and actually kept watching was Delicious in Dungeon in September, and only because I had an eye infection and needed to use the TV to keep my bad eye staring forward and stop trying to look around at everything.
3:26 I should know.
I once did nothing but teleport bread for three days.
"and then you never hear about it again"
Me: oop-
Me: *slowly pulls out my google docs to continue my wip that hasn't been worked on in 3 years*
Engineer-snom has done nothing but teleport bread for the last 3 days...
1:27 THAT WAS SMOOTH.
I love that I can (9/10 times) tell when a video is about to be over because pm gets worked up and starts yelling
At my local grocery store there was a parking spot reserved for “our friends in law enforcement”
Customers decided it was the new cart return pretty quick
0:58 - "Name it" implies that there's only one piece of media I apply this standard to, as opposed to ALL OF THEM.
that's not a die, that's a kill
3:20 You have alerted the TF2 fans. Prepare.
I have done nothing but teleport bread for 3 days
I have done nothing but teleport bread for 3 days
@@geraldalexander8093what!?
The one about being in the right head space or I can't. That hit me beyond my soul.
0:51 oh so many things. How the list grows. May it one day stop.
Sometimes I take the plunge and watch something that I expected to need a specific mindset for only to be pleasantly surprised that I didn’t. One such show is Banana Fish, though I did get triggered by one scene in the last episode involving a drill… it was an amazing watch.
2:58
Why you gotta call me out like this? I'm telling you, I'll finish that story when I get to it, but I have all this fanfiction to write first. After all, these GokuXAllMight Love stories won't write themselves!
Okay that gay name post *sent me*
That man has no right to be so fucking smooth and romantic what the fuck!
Bodies are scary, that is why I am doing my part and sticking them in the freezer.
"It's called 'creating jobs.'"
It's called "broken window fallacy" and it's bullcrap. You're not creating jobs; you're destroying someone else's and taking credit for the repairs.
That dice looks like the numbers are made from bullets
I shouted "KESTIN" out loud as soon as you mentioned him :D
0:43
I get your naming a specific piece of media, but I have to do a little prep to myself before I consume media because of my weird brand of autism, like if I'm in a goofy mood that hour I can't play or watch certain things and enjoy it *when I really want to*
0:57, why is this true? I had been wanting to watch Big Hero 6 for like 7 years and only found a place that has it a week ago, but had to wait a few days to get in the right headspace for no discernible reason. I don't even know what headspace it was, just that it wasn't good enough for a few days. Finally watched it and found my new favorite animated movie.
I’d like to add to the sweeny todd post:
In the tim burton adaptation (and probably the stage play) we’re also told that his hatred for london is a factor in his killing, but in the original penny dreadful he was also just a crazed murderous maniac
0:11 Aisle 7 is for the peanut butter, jams/jellies, honey, juice boxes, cookies, coffee beans, premade coffee, and tea bags. Everyone knows that the cereal aisle is 6 along with the raisins, granola, protein bars, ambient milk, and oatmeal.
3:13 FINALLY!! Someone's acknowledging the requirements for bigger arthropods!! Everyone just talks about bigger bugs, but never the incredibly different world that they needed to get to that size
He needs to reach his friend about his wizard's extended warranty.
I'm glad that somebody else has had the thought of "giant pet insects"
Personally though, I prefer the thought of having a giant pet moth!
Can't wait to get middle surgery
would middle surgery be switching what hormone glands you have? or am I mis interpretating this
@@woofie3917 that is the answer that makes the most sense honestly. i think the op wasn't thinking that deep tho 😅
3:09 Okay but imagine Wasps with stingers like massive snake fangs.
You'd have to carry around fuckin' SPEARS AND A SHIELD to defend yourself for the majority of human history, and GOD HELP YOU if you smell the distinct smell of its attack pheromones.
3:18 at least 8 years later that idea still gets a giggle out of me.
Miss you Rick may.
Loving the Sweeney Todd post, thank you sir
0:51 The Owl House.
My girlfriend has been trying to get me into it for ages, and I just can’t.
0:43 - The pain of ADHD. I swear the stars have to align perfectly to make me just sit down and _watch_ something. Not listen to it in the background. Not watching a few minutes at a time as a wander back and forth to it. SIT. DOWN. AND. WATCH.
Also I left halfway through this video to eat food and do laundry.
I can only watch movies under the social pressure of other people watching them with me.
3:05 ok but consider. big wasps. big mosquitos. big cockroaches. big flies and consequentially big maggots. imagine something rotting and flies as big as your hand swarming it. narsty
As soon as my brain hits the sweetspot I will watch Mythic Quest season 3
That’s the first time I’ve seen someone actually care about and think kindly about the koroks
All folk are folk horror because folks are scary :’)
0:58
My friend asked me to watch Beastars so he’d have someone to talk about it with. I watched the first episode- and then 4 months later I finished the first season because the vibes around me were off
Relatable
0:21 Not college but Jr. and Sr. year of High School I've had 4 teacher who fit that description and all were batshit insane in their own way.
If with higher oxygen density implies that bees are now normal cat sized, imagine the size of cats in that world...
3:09 spiders would be the size of corgis and Tarantulas would be the size and aggression level of a fuckin' Mountain Lion.
And the wasps...
"roll for damage"
"alright" I drop a massively heavy dice on the table, the table survives, but I rolled a 6, so the table suddenly collapses
"you killed everyone, including yourself, why did you even have that dice"
"I..." I think for a second, then roll for wisdom, natural 6, my body collapses from the weight of the dice, leaving me dead.
Just a short story based on the massive dice, thought it was funny.
me: writes the first chapter of a post-post-apocalyptic revival of the species slice of life comic…in 2007, posts it and gets great feedback, and never touches it again.
PM: calls me out like that.
this is so wild i legit reblogged that wizard insurance post just yesterday
I heard you say "my friend Kestin" and I *immediately* thought "Ah, Zane Ro'meave. Carry on."
0:56
I usually enjoy things that put me in a certain headspace, because I can plan around having that vibe as a starting point.
" Name it" The Space Age is Here to Stay
3:07 Giant, venomous, flying arthropods that live in colonies of thousands? No thank you
0:56 This is me with just about everything. No, literally everything.
I can't finish watching a good movie because I'll get up to go get popcorn or do something else and then not unpause it.
I cannot finish a series once I start it, because I'll simply forget I've done so up until something reminds me rather abruptly that oh, yeah, the next chapter exists.
I'll begin playing a great game, reach a critical checkpoint, then accidentally spoil the ending for myself in some overconvoluted way and not want to pick it back up afterwards.
I cannot sit down and read a book unless it's by candle light when the electricity's gone to shit and the planets align in just the right way that I can read the words by virtue of a full moon. Or a solar eclipse. Or plain old light pollution given a richer part of town paid some people off not to take theirs.
You get the gist. I suck at finishing things. It's a problem.
0:55 im surprised that I didn’t make that because that is me
Body horror is mid next to real life where your appendix can implode at any moment literally JUST CAUSE!
our dnd table is made from a granite pool table and free heavy lumber... it would survive the die
This is perfect for my 2:17am TH-cam binge!
As Greg himself, I can confirm that wizards do mildly hate me since I keep killing.
2:41 It’s ok PM, I have two bunnies and gave both of them a smooch on the snoot on your behalf.
That metal dice: Roll for damage to the table
2:52 Me: "I roll to break the table"
*Throws a 1 and 3/4 lb Steel die*
Table: *Breaks*
Me: "Success!"
The DM: *Sighs deeply as he sees i have somehow rolled a NAT 20 on a six sided die*
"Roll for damage"
Damage to what, the table? Pretty sure a 1 would do plenty.
over the years it seems every aspect of shrek becomes a profound revelation....
somehow
Dudes that professor one is on point my tenure professor doesn’t believe that climate change is a bad thing.
He teaches *Earth Science* !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Each dot on that dice corresponds to the number 10 that dice can go up to 60 points of damage
Betta fish? Nah, I'm an alpha fish.
Sigma Fish grind
@@hotelroom404 You. You get it.
Unstable, unfinished and barely working?
That steel die looks like what Number Man's dice would be made out of.....how else is Number Man gonna do damage in Battle Network
Edit:Snom are you sure you want to go to the past and possibly face paradox Pokémon from that time period?
"I don't have a bunny ;-;" girl you **are** the bunny c'mere
0:45
Me with ANYTHING that has strong shipping vibes. I'm a hopeless romantic, but I also have issues with Amatonormativity. If I'm in the right headspace and the romance isn't just used for tension or drama, I can enjoy watching a relationship develop and grow. If I'm not in the right headspace, it makes me feel lonely, depressed, broken, and called out as a freak.
oh I feel you. The worst I think for me is the forced, very straight romance with zero chemistry nor progression, but "it's a girl and a guy, of course they HAVE to be in love !!" that lessens a prior platonic relationship.
@@darcycrossingbooks
Oof! Those do stink. It's as if the Allos don't see any value in strong platonic relationships.
I'm asexual and demiromantic, so that probably has a significant impact on how I view this stuff. 😅
Glue traps are so unethical for your blorbos, cause then you could trap the innocent blorbos of your friends that are higher up on the food chain! Not to mention how dangerous a glue trap is to the health of anything they may catch- Try a bucket trap, they're far less traumatic :)
I rewatched the entire series of Samurai Jack in preparation for the (at the time) new season, waited for it to finish so I could binge it, and then didn't, and now I feel like I have to do it all again and be in the right head space to do so...
Higher oxygen wouldn't just get us bigger bees, but bigger SPIDERS. Imagine an eight-legged freak the size of a large cat. Those really existed at one point. Screw higher oxygen levels.
2:58 I'm actually right now finishing up several WIPs I'd left hanging, so I can confidently say that at least this time that doesn't apply to me :)
Wasps would also be like spy cameras in that Simpsons game.
0:43
...God dammit, STOP CALLING ME OUT!!!
I saw the thumbnail and immediately thought "throw for damage"
I don't have a bunny, but I'll give my little dwarf hamster a kiss on the snoot for you
regarding table destroyers, they make rpg dice out of solid tungsten. they're sized like normal dice but like 1lb each.
i am tempted to get a set, but it's like $600. would probably last a lifetime though...
Any set of dice can last a lifetime if you make that lifetime short enough.
The dice will last a lifetime, but what about your table?
@@Tarbal40 solid tungsten table
Hey, ADHD makes it hard to keep a WIP going. I may have gotten distracted but I still like the concept
The last comment on the first post emulates chaotic evil
1:05 ngl, I'm gonna go internet spelunking for "sculpture by blind artist" now.