Parenting the Child or Teen with ADHD - Talk Less, Touch More
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 14 ต.ค. 2024
- This brief video sets forth an important principle for parents of a child or teen with ADHD. That principle is to stop talking so much and instead focus on making your statements, commands, praise, or reprimands shorter and more effective by following some simple rules.
You can find more information on this topic in my books, Taking Charge of ADHD: The Complete Authoritative Guide for Parents, and 12 Principles for Raising a Child or Adolescent with ADHD.
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hi dr barkley, first let me say thank you for your tenacity in attempting to understand these struggles. I have worked with kids and adolescents for 30+ yrs (clinical psychologist). there is so much i would like to say, but for this post i just want to comment that my whole career i have been tactile with kids. Human touch is powerful. a gentle hand on a shoulder, a light squeeze of a forearm, a pat on the back , to say nothing of when a child runs to hug you.... It has been hard to explain this to colleagues in light of the politics of sexual abuse. touch is an organic way to communicate, I am like that with everyone. no one has ever misinterpreted. (before anyone says it, yes, i am aware that some kids dont like touch and we find other ways to enhance our communication. ) There have been so many times when i am watching a kid lose interest in our conversation (because dr fran can talk too much) and i will immediately say it , make fun of myself and if they are sitting next me, i might grab their forearm to bring them back , to joke with me and acknowledge that they had drifted. so many of our kids are primed to get in trouble, that gentle touch says "you are not in trouble, let's try this again, maybe in a different way" so much more say, but already too long. thanks for legitimizing a gentle hand.
Wow thank you for sharing . So valuable
Oh - my - gosh ....
I have adhd, have a few adhd kids ... all grown now.
House was full of love and values and healthy food and it was always safe ... but there was that chaotic element. I asked my mom, as a young mother, what was I doing wrong. My mom, who has adhd herself, looked at me, puzzled but with love, and said, "I don't know, sweetheart, but you use too many words." Now, I am 73, and I value many of my mom's sparsely worded truisms, and repeat them to the grown kids and grandkids, to reinforce and honor family values and share her love, even though she is now passed. Summary, in the 1970s, my moms advice to me as a young mother was, "You use too many words." I couldn't implement her advice, though, probably because I was not diagnosed until 2001, when I was 51 years old. (Love you, mom ❤)
I need to have this advice taped to the wall of every room of my house. And because I'm an ADHD parent, and because we know that ADHD isn't about NOT KNOWING WHAT TO DO but rather NOT DOING WHAT WE KNOW, I also have to think up a reward system for myself that encourages me to frequently and consistently implement this wise advice. Thanks so much for caring so much about us, and for giving us great advice we can actually use to improve our oft-fraught familial relationships, Dr. B. 💙
Aw I totally agree. It kinda hurts to remember.
I think I did WAY better in grade school when the teachers felt more comfortable giving hugs, high-fives, picking you up, or even just gently physically redirecting my body to a task like adjusting the directions your shoulders face, holding hand to the location of a task etc. But as you grow up, or have more teachers of the opposite gender, physical contact becomes less common, which is probably appropriate most of the time anyway.
Even with summer camp counsellors who were willing to get a little more hands on and silly (probably because of proximity in age and the more physical nature of camp), I can remember physical contact like a counsellor (gently) turning my head or chin to point to an activity I was supposed to do, or bear hugs to scoop me up and put me directly in front of something else they wanted me to do.
Maybe it's a good tip to share with educators or people who are supervising a young kid, provided your kid is comfortable with it.
With my mom, by my early teens I was telling her she was talking and yelling too much lol. I wasn't a bad kid, but I especially struggled with (and still struggle with) procrastination and boring tasks like cleaning. Which of course drove my mom bonkers. But her excessive talking drove me bonkers, and it became a vicious cycle. I don't think my mom has ADHD. She's very organized, has a boring job which requires immense focus, she doesn't procrastinate or divert from her original task. I think I get ADHD from my dad. But my mom definitely talks too much for me lol. She's even told me she feels like she has an "external monologue" and not an inside one lol. Mine is definitely "inside", I can't imagine have thoughts as slow and as focused as the pace of speech.
Thanks for sharing this Russell! It is such an effective and much needed strategy ❤
Thank you so much. You have made a difference in our live. We have a 8 years old child with Adhd and your books have been so usuful.
Hey Russell,
I don't know if you read comments but I thought I'd write one anyway just in case.
I wanted to say thank you for everything you have done and continue to do for ADHD.
I find your content really informative and refreshing as I find that lot of information on ADHD out there on social medias is often sensationalised, outdated or just plain wrong. You break down scientific literature really well and I've subscribed and followed you for a few months now.
I have ADHD and I work as a teaching assistant and a lot of my job is helping support kids with ADHD in the classroom. A lot of my kids are struggling with the demands of education at the moment, and I can't help but think the education system is designed to put them at a disadvantage most of the time.
Have you ever considered doing a presentation on how best to support young people with ADHD in education? I think the topic would be very interesting and it is something I would find extremely useful.
Thanks you again,
Ivanova
Ps - I appreciate your dad jokes
I love the "practicing what you preach" of this 6 minute video!
Thank you! I needed to hear this about 12 hours ago but hearing it now helps me see what I could have done differently with my youngest little scientist.
Haha same here except we have a little anthropologist
This is legit advice 💯🔥 works on me definitely. And I'm an adult
Thank you for this
That's exactly what I observed with my son. Getting physical Loving Connection and short instructions Work Wonders.
Well said. Touch definitely helps with our son (nine years old) to get his attention and to help things sink in. I never really thought about it a lot though. I should look for more situations to use that technique. Thanks!
Love the short "tip" format. Thank you!
You are great. By 2 small tips I had a great thesis about adults adhd who my professors even cannot give a number to it. Because it was more than excellent. Thanks for everything
This helpful. I could sense that it's not effective or helpful when I get into the mode of talking too much, but hearing it plainly helps me solidify the idea that touch with fewer words needs to be my default approach.
I love your content!!!! Thank you so much all the way from Colombia 😊
I am loving your content! Thank you so much!!
Glad to come across this video.. A great remainder for me while dealing with my ADHD Kid. Definitely she doesn’t like much talking. Now came to know the reason through this video.. thanks a lot 😊
thanks for the info doctor it means a lot
Your content is invaluable 🙏.
Thank you form this information really helped me
Back in the 1970's my mom advised me that I used too many words. Once again, mom, you were right ❤
Like so much of your work, this validates thoughts I've been having for a long time. This comunication Style of comunication helps me a lot as well, and I'm in my early 20s. Also if you're like me and you're working to correct maladdaptive childhood experiences such as attachment trauma, this video helps too.
Starting to think this talking thing is partly becoming an issue in therapy sessions. Just nothing is sinking in and so much is just immediately forgotten. Verbal interaction is already the form I'm least likely to remember. Add to that a ton of anxiety, and it is like trying to catch water with a sieve...
Would so love to hear Dr. Barkley's thoughts on adapting therapy to ADHD clients, and *not* using therapy to treat ADHD symptoms, which is mainly what has been studied up tp now. If you have ADHD and another issue, and you're trying to treat this other issue, how does ADHD affect being able to absorb the whole therapy thing, which is very verbal. Interested in hearing about other modalities aside from CBT. CBT had limited impact because I don't do homework LOL (among many other reasons).
Indeed, though my little one also hates too much physical touch. Indeed, she will run or squirm away from you at all costs and will usually turn down a request for physical intimacy when asked. I think its a sensory thing. At this point the parenting advice Ive been given over the years has been turned upside down flip flop every which way. Ive gotten to the point where I am convinced I need to interact with her as little as possible, and make the sparse interactions I do have be very meaningful if at all possible.
The keyword is Compassion aka Love. And in a typical day to day crisis management environment, agree this principle is key...
But the message sent and received can be grossly different, regardless of the loving intentions.
We are talking about teens here!
And let's be honest you're not always going to feel loving. At all!
So touch can be a wild ride into intrusive and potentially abusive signalling.
The entire thrust of DrB (remembering the intensity of his public lectures in vivo) and namechecking Clint Make My Day Eastwood...
He doesn't realise the power of his own male dominant output. I can imagine building huge resentful resistance if he was to put his hand on my arm and whisper "you know I'm right, just go do it like I told you'.
As Malcolm Reynolds once said "violence will ensue "...
Mantra: Soft, Short & Sweet.
Ive been watching your videos recently and so thankful i did. My husband and 2 of my 4 children are diagnosed adhd we suspect our 3rd has it and the fourth is only a baby . One of the diagnosed is very severe. I have found your explanations on how it isnt anything i did in raising them, extremely helpful and freeing but I have also been sobered to the fact this isnt going to change. Do you have recommendations on preventing burn out?
The caption alone should speak volumes about the agenda at work.
Lcvcc
That goes for adults too ..?🤔
For myself yes
Yes, this is how my husband gets my attention to communicate with me and it's extremely effective and appreciated even when I'm hyperfocused.
This is a better communication method for me too
I think so.
Good to know, I will have my wife start doing this with me when she needs me to actually do something and not just forget about it until she gets angry.
Tech glitch-this only gives me the option to thumbs down…I definitely want to “like” this video!
How would this work for comorbidity with ASD?
Please notice:
If the child has autism aswell the touching may not be as likely to help/be okay
Does the talking less rule affect how you prepare for lectures or videos?
what about adhd children who hate being touched.?
If you look at ADHD as a spectrum, would you say that the children on the more severe end develop ODD?
I wonder it it works on adults too
Short like Clint Eastwood? 🤔 I have got to practise my: "I tried being reasnoble, I didn't like it!" and "Go ahead, make my day!" and "Do you feel lucky, punk?!"
Are comments being deleted
Is there any way I can have a reunion with you ?
Thank you for creating and sharing this insightful video on ADHD. As a channel focused on skills development, we found the principles you outlined to be incredibly valuable. It's essential for parents of children or teens with ADHD to understand the importance of concise and effective communication. By following these simple rules, parents can create a more supportive environment for their children's growth and development. We wholeheartedly agree with your message and believe it's crucial for fostering understanding and empathy. Keep up the great work! We have been posting ADHD videos but they don't seem to resonate with parents. th-cam.com/video/31DnnTbcMA4/w-d-xo.htmlsi=T3YdQmoX8SSo8PTE
No need to touch because it's another uninformative distraction(for some even an irritation); it's better to draw their attention, wait a bit, and slowly, unimotionally say your message. Business-like, to the point and calm(emotional garbage is also distracting).
On board with the talk less part but as someone who is also autistic the touch part less so. I would say that if parents could demonstrate and do things with their child, again being less lazy in their parenting than just shouting commands at them, that goes far. Do the task with your child a few times so they get the process then give them space to take over or say how much support they need from then on in doing the thing. (body doubling and accountability right there)That way the child also gets that closeness with the parent/s without the sensory reaction of being touched if they're not expecting it or wanting it.