The very title of the video is pure propaganda which goal is to transform an Objective action into a Subjective one. Nobody assigns anything at birth (Subjective). People just take note of the child's sex, Male, Female and in rare cases, Hermaphrodite (Objective), based on the child's factual Anatomy (again Objective)
This makes so much sense, as a biological female I was forced to wear dresses and such from a young age, when I got older as a teen I started to do what I want by becoming more of a "Tom boy" wearing male clothing etc, but when I got to 24, nearly 25, I started to realise that due to my family circumstances I can't transition so I started to get into makeup and dresses and more feminine clothing, Its not me but I try so hard to fit in, it's making my dysphoria worse but I don't know how to break out of the cycle.
I did this for some years. Skirts, long hair, I even had a go with make up. It was "ok" for a while because it misdirected my dysphoria. It felt like the "I feel like I'm wearing a costume" feeling came just from my clothes and so if I could pull off them, it'd be ok.
I overcompensated by forcing myself to hangout with my guy friends. I would play poker, golf, Frisbee golf. When I wasn't with my guy friends, I started going to the gym to build that muscle. I also went to lose weight, but that was part of it too. I wanted to show the world I have this awesome male physique. I definitely see what I was doing, in retrospect, and I realize that I was prolonging the inevitable.
Yes I did overcompensate many times as I was gowning up and even today sometimes. In 7th grade I tried to join the football team! It was crazy here I was setting on the floor reading this parent permission slip I was suppose to get my parents to sign and thinking to myself, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!? Luckily my stepmother said no and really did saved me. At church I used to wear a suit. While all the other guys were dressed casual I was in a tie and suit. I kept thinking the more manly I looked to more manly I would feel...but that didn't last. I grew a beard for a while, real manly right? Wrong, the problem with growing a beard to cover my face is that it didn't cover my "eyes." Every time I would look in to my eyes in the mirror it was like I could hear her say, "I know what you're trying to do." Then I'd look away really fast and try not to think about it. Amazing how many head games we play..
I overcompensated before transition because I thought the reason I felt so terrible was because I hadn’t really done it “right”. It also allowed me to disassociate and disconnect from the discomfort, because it wasn’t me. In the end I was a mother goddess, beautiful high femme and I finally was able to accept that this made me feel worse not better. I began transition just shortly after a 15th year vow renewal ceremony where I can say without a doubt that I was absolutely beautiful and performing femininity flawlessly. After the wedding my body crashed, couldn’t stay awake, I was bedridden for three months. I started hrt a few months later and I’ve never felt better. Accepting the man I was meant to be has been tough, esp starting at 38, but it’s been nothing short of life saving.
I overcompensated by getting the most masculine guy I could find as my boyfriend (I am not even romantically attracted to men...) an dressing in a way that was so feminine that I out-shined most women I came across. Now when coming out to my friends they are so confused because they would have never expected me to be trans. It certainly makes coming out more difficult because I'm scared that some people will refuse to believe me (it didn't happen so far, my friends are lovely, but the fear persists).
I'm afab and I definitely overcompensated. I thought if I just lived long enough as the absolute stereotype, one day it would have to 'make klick'. So I embraced the image of a 50s housewive. In the beginning of my teenage years I started adopting the roles that a traditional woman should have. I even took ballet lessons to learn to move more feminine, l almost exclusively wore skirts and dresses, just for make up I often was too lazy xD (I'm 25, btw) I even recognized myself that I overcompensated and I knew it didn't do me any good, but I just couldn't bring myself to stop, until I accepted that I am transgender and slowly, bit by bit, I'm exploring my true self, allowing myself more and more to express myself the way I actually feel. I have to thank my best friend for a lot of this. They were the one who slowly but surely broke my shell open and helped me getting away from the influence of my family, learning that I don't need to please them, that I first need to think of my own mental health.
I very much can relate. It’s almost as though I’m just an actor playing a role, like I’m not even completely real. I’ve spent so long trying to convince others that I was a man, when I was actually just trying to convince myself.
Wait, I’ve been struggling with this for a while and I’ve been questioning myself over and over because i tend to overcompensate and say “I’m just a girl, a girl who likes girls and dresses masculine.” It was hard to follow through but I’d do it to erase the thoughts of me ever transitioning or allowing the acceptance of me being trans, i was overwhelmed by the thought of me being a man, so i tried to be happy being female, i had a phase where I’d wear crop tops and skinny jeans and i tried to play with my hair. I cut my hair and I’ve accepted already liking girls, now it’s hard because I’ve erased these weird things I’ve done throughout my life that pointed out i might be trans. The most torturous thing i can do is dress really feminine and go out thinking “I’m a girl and people will see me that way”, I’ve been wanting to do it so i can avoid me accepting me being trans. I’ve been overcompensating through little things, like right now i feel so guilty about myself so I’ve been waking up and trying to be comfortable with it being female, everything i do i say “I’m a girl” and it’s hurting me in ways i can’t explain but I’m comfortable because I’ve done it for so long, repeatedly.
I know those feelings of guilt so well. If I may share with you what I've learned so maybe you can apply it to your personal situation... You have no reason to feel guilty. You didn't do this to yourself or create these feelings out of whole cloth. I know that's easy to say but I went through the same guilt for decades knowing I was MTF until I realized that I didn't do this to myself nor did I ask for this condition. We are people like any cis person. We love & hate & hurt, laugh, cry & ponder just like our neighbors. You have no less value than anyone else. And whether you go through life presenting as female or male always know you have more value than a ton of gold or a mountain of jewels because you can reach out a helping hand or offer a shoulder to cry on. Guilt seems to go hand in hand with being trans but it has no power over us if we understand our personal value includes being of value to someone else. Rock on, Berri.
Johnnie you really made me happy. I got so emotional i cried(I’m crying as i type this) you deserve so much and i love you for your kind words and helpful advice. I will cherish them for as long as i live. Thank you so so much
Thanks for sharing, I have pain everyday from not being a girl. Same but opposite of you. SO. FUCKING. HARD. I love these videos and relate in so many ways. I only went out dressed once as a girl and am terrified to change or even explore. So hard to even get thru life sometimes....
Another way how I overcompensated was how I started drinking beer when I was 16 to be a 'tough guy', and would drink it at concerts to come across tougher. Not only did I make the wrong friends doing this, I also got very addicted to alcohol and weed. Because when I would be drunk/high, I wouldn't feel dysphoria because the alcohol and weed would make me feel artificial hapiness instead. I've been addicted to so many other, much worse drugs because of exactly this reason. It got me stuck in a vicious circle for years and years until I finally managed to break out of it in January this year. I lost the friends that I made once they got to know me better and realized I was putting up a fake personality to conform to stereotypical gender standards, but most importantly I lost so many years and money on getting high and drunk that I could've spent on exploring my gender identity instead.
I did this LOADS as a preteen before I figured out I was trams!! Wore super feminine clothes that made me feel really uncomfortable, loads of makeup etc. Didn’t know how many other people did this!! Thank you!!!
ive been struggling with doubt because i was overcompensating so much before. i would try so hard to look gorgeous and feminine and it always felt like i was putting on a show. i could accept that it made me look good, but i still didnt feel good about myself and i always wondered why. knowing that i looked good as a girl always made me doubt if i was trans, but through this video, im realizing that i was really just overcompensating because i didnt want to accept that i was trans.
Holy shit... I had no idea that that's what I was doing. I went through a phase where i acted really "girly" and grew my hair out and wore cleavage showing tops but none of it was for me. I cut off all my hair and went back to wearing mens clothes and products and feel way more comfortable with myself. Thank you for this video
This is so me. I tend to do this when i take selfies too, i try those filters with makeup and i look like such a pretty woman, that i tell myself "don't do this. You'll be ugly as a man, you wont pass, and it all will be more difficult. But look at how pretty you look, how well you come off as female. Its not worth it" which is also such a ridiculous thing.... I honestly think my female performance is the least genuine there can be 😅 everyone tells me im so delicate and so feminine all the time... And it shocks me because i dont see it. Anyway, i definitely do overcompensate, usually after i come out (ive come out like 2 or 3 times, to myself and my mom). I start wearing A LOT of makeup and wearing tight feminine clothing and listening to Christian music and going to church as another form of overcompensation (im a good Christian girl, i would never be trans, thats a sin!!) Lol
This subject is so real for me, and is something I have thought a lot about. All of the overcompensating things you mentioned I did and/or experienced. The result of it was an internalized anger that I carried with me for years. That anger damaged many relationships and made my life choices much more problematic.
Hi Dr. Z! Another great video about a very serious subject. I managed to do the same sorts of damage to myself by a slightly different route - In seems like I always find new ways to accomplish the same sorts of effects. I have said this previous comments - I knew at a very young age that I was really a girl and chose to hide the fact. I was a great at mimicking and found it easy to hide. I rarely showed my skirt, and, when I slipped, no one seems to have noticed. I usually didn't try to overcompensate and was never at home just being one of guys - I was always a little outside the group and pretty much a loner. I did manage to get into a few fights over this in high school. What I did instead of overcompensating was to systematically cut off anything that would give me away. The pain of hiding my true self became normal and so did my dysphoria. I also suffered severe depression and suicidal ideations since the start of puberty and those also became normal. I managed to hide for six decades before it all fell apart (I had been planning to take my secret to the grave). I was foolish to even try. Who in their right mind would spend a lifetime following plans concocted by a child who wasn't even three years old at the time. Well, I guess that would be me, but then again, they were my plans to begin with. I also became so dysfunctional over time that I was unable to address what I considered more serious issues, like four traumas each causing PTSD. When I finally sought help from a therapist, it wasn't to address being trans but it seems that therapists aren't willing to ignore the elephant in the room. I haven't been hit with PTSD in over four months now, lost everything, am going through an ugly divorce, and started HRT about four months ago (hmmm). I should never have tried to wear a mask all those years, It was just about the most idiotic and destructve thing I could have done to myself. Wow, I always seem to run on and on ... LoL! Much love! 🤗😘💋❤❤❤💃💞
Thank you. I am currently in the process of (very slowly) coming out as transgender and it's not ideal. While coming out I think that I thought me presenting myself more feminine would let me see the beauty in femininity and that it would lead to me accepting my biological sex as my gender identity. I just want to say: "Hey, I was wrong. I'm totally cis and I won't have to deal with my name, my pronouns, transitioning when I am ready, telling everyone that I identify as trans and suddenly having to deal with everyone having an opinion about my existence". For me, the idea of transitioning is so scary because people will know something changed, they will question it and I just want to be normal. I am not an outgoing person and so the thought of having to come out and explain myself to everyone multiple times freaks me out as well. The pain I feel right now is something I know so it feels less scary. Thank you for this video. You asked for our experiences and this is mine so far. I think I will try to do what feels right and not what I think other people say is the right way to be from now on. It's really not easy, though.
Yes! I feel I can relate to this in some way. I went to an all girl's school. (I'm FtM) I didn't overcompensate in terms of clothing or makeup but rather mannerisms and just generally how I interacted with others. I hid my true self and only spoke/interacted when I knew how to in a feminine way with girls in school, so I was very quiet growing up. I had a close friend and I picked up a lot on how she interacted. Now I've transitioned, I still find it hard to shake off those learnt mannerisms, it's like a man-made default setting, especially when I'm around girls. Behaving in that way makes me feel dysphoric, and when I do, I just want to shut down. I feel like an empty shell because I have been socialised as female and overcompensating in this way, and because of that I feel there's a huge gap in who I truly am. I'm trying to crack the shell by transitioning. Given time, when I interact more with other guys, I think I will become more in touch with myself. Another indicator to me that I was trans, was that I felt a mental click with guys, this is what I'm talking about. I hope I make sense! It's been good to type this out anyway. Thanks for making these videos
First of all, I wish I had found this video a couple of years ago. Being said that it means I overcompensated. I sort of consciuosly did it between 2017 and 2019. I started working out to build masculine features in my body; I also grew a thick beard, and wore clothing that I consider could call the attention from girls...shirts in most of the cases (which is a piece of clothing I really despise wearing.) It was crazy, each time I got a compliment from a girl by my looks I thought "She's saying that just because of the shirt, not me. I am a fraud." Still kept overcompensating, but it was toxic. Trying to be masculine enough felt like looking at the Everest and being forced to reach its peak. Horrible. For the record, I am MtF, agender; it just doesn't feel ok with me being called either man or woman. At the end of 2018 I couldn't bear the feeling of being a "fraud." So, at the beginning of 2019 I started shaving my beard and my arms. That last move was really difficult. I felt exposed, I don't know why. But as days went by I felt empowered. I saw that that little step took me beyond the Everest. Then, I slowly got rid of those male shirts and T-shirts, and got female T-shirts. I felt like being in heaven. I saw I could do a lot of things...and it wasn't painful! 2020 arrived, I started LHR (still on it), I am trying to get HRT, but the medical system in Colombia is just hell... slow like a snail. A big step was to go with my male appearance to a felmale store and try on items. I did it in Stradivarious; they just didn't care about my gender! They assissted me in a very respectful manner and were really willingly to provide the best attention they could. Today I was downtown wearing skinny jeans and a female T-shirt. Some people eveb adressed my with female pronouns. Geez, I simply smiled behind that damn mask we need to wear due to the pandemic. I sometimes get sad at the time wasted overcompensating, but when compared with the big achievements I've got in one year that sadness goes away. I am planning to get FFS, if it is not possible, at least I'll feminize my nose. Please, do not do overcompensate, it leads to depression and self harm. To conclude, I share here something I told myself while taking a step (i.e. trying female items in a store). That thing I told myself was the litany agaist fear written by Frank Herbert in his master piece DUNE: "I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."
I started overcompensating in high-school. I joined the same strength and conditioning class as the football players. After I graduated, I got a job in construction working rebar for concrete. Then I joined the military. That was a total mess. Atleast I went with the Air Force and not the Marines. One general discharge later, I finally quit overcompensating, but still had many years of avoidance before I finally accepted myself.
Very insightful video. My main over compensation tends to be growing a beard, repeating the words "I am a man" manically to myself in the mirror and fighting so hard to repress my femininity and trans nature. Biologically after all, I am am man, and here is me doing it again!
It's spectacular how internally descriptive you are and you are possibly the first therapist that has EVER been precise and considerate.. thanks much Doctor Z - You're like trans The Incredibles
This is exactly what I needed to hear. I've normalised pain for the last 6 years. Every time I get through something that makes my dysphoria worse, I think: "wow I can do this. I don't have to transition. I can just love this way and keep everyone happy". I haven't really experienced over compensating to be honest, but I've just been in a sort of gender limbo for a long time. I haven't tried to be overly feminine but I also haven't cut my hair, got surgery, hormones, etc. to deal with my dysphoria. I still live with my parents (I'm 19) who tell me to just accept myself. They feel sorry for me but they would hate for me to do anything about it.
I used to try to look super feminine, girly clothes, hair, makeup. I developed an eating disorder in high school that I feel may have been partially due to dysphoria.
Wow I’ve experienced everything you said . When I did this for years it just brought me sadness and I felt lost . Made me be in denial and delay my transition. It’s still happening to an extent but I’ve been expressing my desired gender and growing my hair . But the thoughts are still happening on why put myself though all that work and risk if I can stay a certain way even though transition if what I desire most
Thanks Dr. Z. This is a good one. Before I accepted myself, I used to compensate mostly through resignation and fatalism. I always felt like a failure. I recognised overcompensation as the opposite side of that same coin, and mostly avoided it (so I could pretend to "accept" myself as a failure), but there were times I definitely "went there" with angry music or toxic politics. It can be dangerous to the soul and to society, even if it's not in the most stereotypically masculine forms!
So true! I try to compensate and lie myself two decades, until my dysphoria getting worse and unsuportabile! From the moment when a analyze honestly myself ...."who are really you?" How affect me? In the beggining was ok, i didn't realise, but then i subpress all the signs that apear (comming with a lot of frustration in my relationship, work and personal life!). You feel empty some days, unsettled other days, have more struggle everyday when time past by. I become anxious, and not just lie myself, but trying to do exact the opus it! Fears and unsecurity become more present and you find in a place that you couldn't find any solutions to cope and deal with it! Now...i accept what i am, a Woman, not a man, and become more easier to fight with my disphoria. Thank You, Doctor Z, it help me to confirm what i believe about danger of compensating.
I definitely compensated a lot for a couple years. After my depression was better I hung on to the idea of being conventionally attractive and accepted and dressed and acted stereotypically feminine. But it was so much insecurity. After more therapy I eased so far up on that and then realized I’m non-binary 🤷 after I had more confidence I could think about what made me feel good and not about getting others to like me. Which is crazy, I used to think I could never be happy, so why try. I’ve never been happier to be wrong.
You hit that nail perfectly. 50 yrs old and have done exactly what you spoke about. Heavy equipment mechanic, can outwork any man around. Refuse to get sick. Don't seek help even when it's evident I need it. Until recently, unable to get therapy for dysphoria because it would make me realize I have a sickness that needs treatment. Listening to your videos, I have finally felt comfortable enough to seek a therapist even though I haven't seen him yet. Thanks again!
Dr Z, this video resonates so strongly. I’ve always known that I am trans, but spent years running from it to include a career in the military, participating in high risk/high adrenaline hobbies, and even taking testosterone in hopes to push the feeling away. I’ve held on to the belief that transition would take away the parts of me that give me pride and the sports I enjoy. It’s just compounded to my fear and is holding me back. Thank you for articulating so well these topics that are very real.
I am still overcompensating I was going to go into the Marine Corp I got talked out of that ,so I went to diesel school to learn truck's , I worked on truck's for 7 year's got laid off ,then I got my CDL done over the road for a while hauling equipment, now I'm up here in North Dakota driving mud / ice road , now I don't really know how to be soft ,I try to stay busy enough to not think about it, but I feel like I have lost a part of me along the way just trying to make everyone else happy.
Hey friend, I just want to tell you one thing. There is only one person you can make happy in life and that is yourself. I spent literally decades trying to live a life that pleased other people only to get abandoned by them all and still be miserable myself. No more! I'm doing what makes ME happy. Everyone else is not my problem. I hope that helps you. Much love.
Dr. Z, Your "Overcompensating" episode really put my life under a microscope. Spent way too much time chasing young women during the sexual revolution of the '60s and '70s, so you likely can do the math and realize I am way past middle-age, yet preparing for HRT, even this late in the game. I could have pursued transition two or three good times years ago, but always found excuses and overreaction to stop what I should have done. But, to hell with lost time. I'm thrilled to be starting a new life.
Wonderfully said! I massively overcompensated many many times. When I was seven I wore all pink everything, had pink hair, pink was even my favorite artist. Even earlier, when I was three or four, i would put on every single feminine thing I had until I was a pile of beads and feathers. I knew people got a kick out of it and I loved seeing them so happy. It felt like the only thing I could do to be accepted, and thats all i remember for most of my childhood. Sadly this means my family thinks I was/am the girliest girl to ever girl. Other kids priorities were learning how to make people laugh, how to impress them with drama or smarts, how to be sweet and considerate, (or just trying to get by like me), and while I hope I have some of those qualities too, I was totally obsessed with figuring out how to be a girl. I read books about girls, my closest friends were girls, i watched movies about disney princesses, had braids and ponytails, and did my best to not think about how forced it all felt. I was so lonely, sad, irritable, and restless. I came out to boyfriends a few times when I was in my late teens, but until my ex fiance there wasn't much bite behind the bark. I started coming out more and more, and started hormones when I was 19 or 20. Fast forward a few years of being recloseted and cycling between dissociating and having breakdowns, and I had my last (hopefully ever) overcompensation period. I started thinking about myself and my gender again and almost immediately spent a few hundred dollars on makeup, dresses, shoes, whatever. My hair was long by that point and I started dressing up and going on dates. Then corona hit, and I had to live with myself and was like oh wait, that wasn't me. That wasn't a life, that was an act. I am absolutely a man, always have been, and always will be. And if I let my family or anyone else wedge me back in the closet again I won't be able to forgive myself. It was very uncomfortable and I've made a lot of calls to the trans lifeline, but it's gonna be worth it. Recently I've been skipping my T and hesitating to give away my high femme clothes, so I was worried another overcompensation period was coming, but this video reminded me of this whole history and how much it'll hurt if I go back. Thank you so much for all the time and effort and care you put into making these videos and responding to us.
Thanks for sharing and there is nothing wrong with hitting a period of doubt and want to skip T or get some femme clothes. Suggest you allow some femme stuff in and just observe if it feels right. Chances it wont and you'll at least be able to move forward leaving the doubt behind.
Is there a video that is about MTF and nothing but full of joy and just glowing? From the moment I found myself I’ve not been angry a single day, happy, sometimes sad but I allow myself the time to dance with these emotions. Within three months I lost crazy weight just dancing, my full body orgasms like MTF explain on HRT began before I knew what HRT was, my testicles literally are like there non existent they retract into the body 90% of the day no tucking needed, I love science and have studied psychology and the psychology behind this transition is wonderful. And I just can’t imagine I’m the only one with this mutual arrival of mind, body and soul. It’s a beautiful life, I am so lucky to have only taken 37 years to get to this year to live free and begin the transition physically, but only after the transition of the mind took place. Thank you for your videos, they have ment a great deal to my female partner and I, she experienced many doubts, but watched it all unfold the pictures of transitioning of the mind before HRT are already amazing
I did this for 40+ years starting in highschool. Grew a mustache and then beard when able, wore roughneck style clothing and not concerned about appearance because of working in the trades. Only been this last year or so that I really started a hard look at myself and my life and I realized that I was unhappy for a reason and what the cause was or is. Probably be in better health if I would have sat down and thought of it 10 or 20 years ago. Finally have some peace of mind and a direction to work towards in seems like forever.
This hits deep. I went so deep on what I thought was manly sports,shooting,trucks and I honestly don't really like those. Not understanding what I was doing forced me deeper into denial until it came back and hit me so hard that I realized it's now or never. At 30 I feel it's my last chance to live the life I always wanted by being passable
Dr Z, I need you to be my companion who will give me continuous confidence- and explain my appearance and behavior to everyone I encounter in everyday life. And normalize my transitional gender to me and everyone else!
To the dot, Dr Z. Very very accurate. I lived many decades this way and its done so much damage to my mental and physical health, and in so many aspects of my entire life... Thank you for sharing your expertise with the world...
This video reads me like a book over the last 20 years. I overcompensated in playing sports and relationships but in the end I always ended back at square one questioning my gender. One of the more common forms of overcompensating is getting married and trying to start a family to prove your a male I did this twice and each marriage ended up in failure because my dysphoria it would lead to arguments and fights. Now that I look back it was more of being angry with myself and taking it out on others because I couldn't be who I wanted to be. What I felt I lost was something important to all of us was time. I think of all those years that passed by I could have transitioned and been living a much happier life. I'd glad I finally took the steps last February to beginning addressing my gendered issues while I have a long road to go (not fully out yet) I've felt the best I've felt in years because I'm on the right path. This is a subject that I think a lot of therapist didn't properly address in the 90s. Mine just told me to focus on living and dressing as a female when she should have told me to let go of those behaviors and activities that I would fall back on when I questioned my transition at the time and had doubts. Again another great topic! Why does it feel like I'm viewing the story of my life when I watch your videos and you know the ending?!?
So glad I've found your channel 💚 i did this. First when I thought I was a woman because I was hearing all homophobia and transphobia growing up so I tried being straight... that didnt work obviously so I let myself be open to other attraction too and had a crush on a woman right away 🙃😅🥰 and later on I heard about nonbinary, in my twenties. In Finland we call nonbinary "other gender(s)" so until something happened I didnt give myself a chance at that yet. But once I did, my starting point was "I'm a femme/agender gender fluid person" and that was also a little bit overcompensating because I had recent trauma and lots of problems to work through and in a way that was a mask and I had this weird thing where I felt like I owed femininity something or femininity to someone... but truthfully, that does not feel right to me. And I've noticed that even my sexual preference has changed away from straight guys completely due to this. I feel more like a gay demiboy/neutral at this point... so we'll see how hormones will shift that or if it will LOL
I did body building in my 20’s in an effort to feel comfortable with my body. I have pretty mild dysphoria and that was a big reason I did not identify that I was a trans woman. I figured you needed to have this massive issue with yourself to the point where looking in the mirror was painful to be trans. That was the lie I told myself for decades that I needed to suffer more in order for transitioning to be worth it. So I just rationalized that these feelings of incongruity was because I was insecure about the fat on my body. So I got big arms and thick thigh muscles but I was still not feeling right. Then I tried to project an overly (toxic) alpha male persona. I dated women even though I was openly gay just to affirm my masculinity. I cringe when I think about it now but now that I’m accepting these feelings about my gender identity I feel like I was a textbook case of overcompensation. I used every trick in the book down to TH-cam video hypnosis to be more Alpha. I tried so hard to be something I never felt fully comfortable with and it made me super depressed. The endorphins from working out made my dysphoria a little better but I still never felt like I was myself. I went to vocal coaches to learn how to speak in a lower voice but now I can’t stand to hear myself. I did everything to remove my feminine aspects to the point where I felt uncomfortable expressing my natural behavior. Now because I was so gung-ho about being an Man with a capital M I’m terrified that my family will believe that I’m faking or that it’s a phase or worse that my LGBTQ+ friends put these thoughts into my head. It’s so hard for me to convey to cisgendered people the feelings of “wrongness” that trying to deny what you are makes you feel because I couldn’t understand them myself until now. I just want to wear cute tops and skirts and feel affirmed that I am a woman but this male body keeps me from enjoying it to the fullest. I now avoid mirrors at all cost because my dysphoria is so much worse because I overcompensated in my youth. These muscles that I thought would make me happy are now my biggest regret. I can’t wait to go on HRT some days because I just want to remove some of this nasty bulk. At least I’m healthy and fit so I try to take that as a net positive.
I joined the military very young thinking it would help, it didn't. I started bodybuilding, same. I'm finally starting on HRT in my early 30s, as of a few weeks ago. I felt more clear-headed as Dr Z mentions in another video, I can't describe it properly but she does! Lol... Thank you so much Dr Z, you've been such an amazing help. 🙏🏳️⚧️💖
Me too. I've shown the world a collection of manly-man facets, shining on the surface I presented, but distorting reality from the inside looking out. I'm just starting this journey but the more I look and listen, the more I see and hear. So it's totally One Day at a Time toward a destination only dimly perceived. Each day brings another discovery. Thanks, Doc.
Thank you for another great video. This video helped me so much it reminded me of what I've been doing for the last 21 years. The first time ever expressed myself in a feminine way I was meant with negativity from my parents. They told me that I couldn't do that because I and biologically male and males don't do that. Well because of this I tried to suppress any feelings that I ever had of being feminine out of fear of it being wrong like I was told. The feelings never went away they just got suppressed but they always came back. I always had the desire for wearing women's underwear because it felt the most comfortable and it was something that I could keep hidden from the world. But it allowed me to feel feminine and feel like myself. It felt right when I would do it at least at the start but it wouldn't last very long because of the fear of what I was told. It feels like I've lived the last 21 years of my life on autopilot. Just constantly trying to suppress the feelings every time they come trying to overcompensate by being a man and doing manly things because I I felt like I couldn't be a woman because it was wrong. There was one time about 5 years ago when I did actually consider transitioning but that also didn't last long out of fear of not fully understanding what transgender meant and what it meant to transition. I felt it meant that I could only be a man or a woman and that scared me it made me feel like I had to have all or nothing. When I look back at it now I'm reminded of how I was told that it's wrong to be feminine as a man since men can't do that. Ultimately this is caused gender confusion and confusion on whether I really am transgender or have gender dysphoria. I have noticed though as I have been exploring my gender for the last 3 months that I am noticing signs of gender dysphoria and things that are making me uncomfortable. I'm also having the same fear and it's causing me to question whether I'm just making up my feelings of gender dysphoria and that I'm just trying to convince myself that something's wrong so that way I can feel justified being transgender. But watching your videos is helping me and I'm learning to just keep reminding myself that when I'm actually experiencing gender dysphoria it is real and that everything I am doing right now to transition is not permanent and I can stop whenever I want. I've determined to start social transition as much as I can as a way to help me determine how I feel exactly and what it is I want. I'm also speaking with counselors and am looking into gender therapy. All of this is helping the thoughts are still there but I finally had to tell myself look what you've done the last 21 years you keep trying to suppress your feelings sure they go away temporarily but they always come back. It's like you said in one of your videos you can't outrun gender dysphoria.
You helped me realize that my overcompensation came in the form of having to excel at everything I engaged in. Hence I have had big dreams and big ideas that hung over me and always made and males me feel burdened by having to always achieve. As a result in the past I consistently succeeded in my field, won major awards and accolades. They didn’t then and don’t now allow me rest and relaxation. When you describe compensating It is a missing element of why I cannot enjoy things as they are.
I've been overcompensating by doing so much powerlifting and basically living in the gym. It gave me an escape. It made me numb feelings that question whether I have gender dysphoria or not. Just how drugs and alcohol were able to numb those feelings as a teen, in my early 20s as a "man" the gym made me numb those feelings. Thank you for this video. It took me so long to realize I was essentially running away from my dysphoria, but you can't outrun it, ever.
Looking back, there are so many things I used to want to do but never did because I felt that they were too girly or not appropriate for a man. I remember girl friends joking/proposing to do makeup for the guys at parties I went to and really wanting it while also feeling like I had to go in lockstep with every other guy in refusing. I've also spent the last 3-4 years going to the gym very regularly, exercising daily almost (cardio + weight training). This was after a lifetime of me being terminally unhappy with my own body image as a chubby kid/teen, and I felt like getting in shape would help. And to an extent it did, but I also realize now how this still didn't bring happiness either: there was always something to work towards too, a body goal I would need to reach before being "truly happy" with myself.
Thank you for this interesting video! I am thinking about this for a while now. For about three years (I‘m 30) I thought that I am genderfluid, because there are days in which I feel feminine and enjoy wearing feminine clothes. But then there are these days in which I feel so dysphoric and ask myself if I am just trying to keep going on as a woman. I just wished I would be sure what I am, no matter what the outcome would be. But I am married, a mom, I have a job.. so I know there are enough reasons to overcompensate. So either I am actually genderfluid or trans and overcompensating. Can you maybe do a video about genderfluidity? If feeling like this is a real thing or just a symptom?
Hi and thanks for sharing. Great topic and I will for sure do a video on gender fluid because you can also experience dysphoria but stemming more of a social dysphoria vs body dysphoria. Thanks for suggestion.
I wrote a stupid long comment but there was an error and I don't have the heart to write it again, but yeah I 100% did this and in the long run, it made me hate almost everything about myself. It took contemplating suicide for me to finally accept who I was. I'm very early in my transition and am only out to a few people but, I'm finally hopeful about the future. Thank you for making this content, I do have a therapist but it is still very helpful when I feel doubtful or confused.
Look at my photo, overcompensating I was. I joined the army, played sports & did MMA 😂😂😂 it's so funny now looking back. Hearing your videos makes everything Ive been through make sense.
I'm so guilty of this; I had my long hair cut off in 2014 and even though people close to me said I looked good with short hair, I felt so uncomfortable and ugly with my looks all of the time after cutting it. While I can't bear seeing myself presenting male in pictures, with short hair this feeling was amplified even more. I had it cut initially because I didn't want to be an easy target when starting on my new studies at college. In 2019 I started lifting weights because I thought I was uncomfortable because I was lacking selfconfidence. I started looking better as a male and it did make me feel a little bit better because people would actually respect me more, but I realized after a while that I was only lifting weights to fit into ideal image of how a biological male should look. I also realized that I was lacking so much selfconfidence because I was so uncomfortable with the gender identity I was assigned birth and the lack of me expressing that identity. When I started expressing myself more freely by wearing more feminine clothing I would always feel better but it would never be quite enough, the fact of it being clothing made for males still carries a certain amount of uncomfortability for me so I've started socially transitioning and getting rid of male clothes step by step, which feels really good but also a bit scary sometimes. This is also where I'm at right now in my journey
Overcompensation can be overcome by a change of environment, by my experience Means replacing, friends, loved ones and environment, all if you can, some cannor because of family commitments and other ties. Its detrimental in the long run, your not who you are and want to be. My 2 cents. Dr Z is spot on in her assessment.🙂
For me I feel like I'm overcompensating concerning the thoughts I have about myself. I still like presenting masculine (I'm afab) but my head is always like "no, stop making up you're trans. just try being a woman etc.". Is that a form of overcompensation too?
I did go through an overcompensating phase but it was short lived at 14 through 16 and then my life situation has fscilitaded me living in an avoidant state as i run my fsmilly bussness and live in a dense comunity of gate keeping circles which i learnrd that term in this channel once . Im not going to remove my self from my beloved enviroment but those sho opose will have to make dew eventually as i make progress . 😁
This is (again) so spot on!! This was so very validating, thank you so much. Random question, would you mind putting your pronoun(s) in your main disclaimer or in the video description? Thnx!
I remember when I was in my mid 20’s, I was very un happy with my body. The reason I associated with this was being over weight. So I lost about 130 lbs and got in shape, huge boost to my confidence and self esteem, but the effects were short lived. I would end up lapsing back in and out of dysphoria, I would also keep my self busy with projects. Learning trade skills and building stuff, though when ever I would find a lull, dysphoria would be there waiting.
I watched this video again, like I do many of your videos. Thanks for your reply on my previous comments. I recently looked at pictures I took during the brief period I decided to grow a full beard when I was trying to over compensate and trying to tell myself that I didn't need to transition. I tell you, I completely hate those pictures now and I'm like, what on earth was I thinking!!! 😂😂😂
about 5 years ago I went back to college after having to quit my job due to arm injuries. At my former job I had to be clean shaved and this change allowed me to grow facial hair again. I typically had long hair because as part of my cope was to have long hair. I cut off my hair and grew a beard and during that 2 year course I started a family with my wife. This overcompensation eventually lead me to where I am now. After a few part time and unsuccessful insurance career, I took whatever job I could to support my family. This landed me in a hyper masculine Industrial Truck/Trailer cleaner for an International trucking company. I lost myself in this job but its effects on me are quite clear. I became even more miserable, lashing out constantly, always full of rage. To me it was like going to hell to be paid. I had always felt more comfortable working with women then other men. It should have been so obvious but the denial was strong. When I took time off during the pandemic to take care of my newborn girl, the relief i felt not having to go back there was overwhelming. It was over this past year that I have blew up my relationship even more then I had already been doing, but I ended up with me finally accepting that I am Trans. She thinks this is just another way to hurt her. I have always been searching to an answeer o my problem and now that I truly understand it, she thinks its just another obsession.
I tried really hard for years to build muscle without any results , as a little kid I left art education for basketball which I only liked at the beginning, the list goes on.
I have recently started transitioning MTF but I did this for a long time. Working out, dieting, modeling and GOGO dancing and working hard to be a man and it actually increased my dysphoria because presenting in a much more masculine way felt even more incongruous to me.
Excellent video Dr Z. I have taken to heart your earlier advice to try social transition. Yup, I did the overcompensation thing. Paratrooper, testosterone etc. It just made things worse. Thanks for the valuable information you provide.
After a few on HRT it got worse for me because now I just work and go to the gym as my new gender role because my body changed but I wish I had enough money for face surgery already and it’s hard to be in public because of people looking at me I feel lower and lost but just want it all to be complete I took too many estrogen also and made me sick I just hate being a boy it’s a horrible feeling! But god send me people like u to see to keep me going and be happy x
This is very common but there is another problem. Overcompensating (Either hyper masculine or hyper feminine) creates the impression to those around you that you are happy and succeeding in that gender. When you eventually come out, its a major shock to friends and family because its such an extreme U-turn from who they thought you were. Any ideas on how to ease the distress on both sides?
Thank you for bringing up an important point. This often does happen and is a major cause for missudnerstanding. I think best way is to explain to the family how much overcompensating behavior you were actually engaging in.
I recognize this in myself. Married 3 times and had two children as well, and still miserable and confused. I screwed my whole life up. It wasn’t until my late 40’s I figured myself out. At 56, this the year I get therapy and by this winter or next spring I get my top surgery.
I took up many physical hobbies. It did not help i was working with my family doing construction. Boxing, jiu-jitsu, weightlifting. I got bigger and stronger. I never fit into those social circles though. I tried my hardest. Now I'm proud of the strength and accomplishments I did but they still feel empty. Those things feel like they define me and i did throw myself hard at them. manically and haphazardly. I try to represent as female now but all the working out and large body genetics make that hard for me. My learned habits from being around those masculine environments and playing at fitting in hurt my ability to just accept myself.
For me, a HUGE part of my journey came when I realized _I had been pretending to be a male all my life._ I had seen myself as a male with aberrant feminine characteristics since I was small. I embraced my femininity in secret ways, finding a sex-neutral position in my social and work life, but always tilting masculine for appearance' sake. After a while I came to the realization that acting male was taking up so much of my mental effort. I avoided almost all social interaction because of the mental stress it was to _'go out and be a boy again.'_ Sure, looking decent with my masculine features is hard work, too, but that's physical work, and it's actually emotionally fulfilling and fun! I'm at the age where I wear makeup every day and it's barely a thought, it's basically automatic. Seeing myself as a feminine person opened my mind and heart up to being a lot less critical of myself. I'm not a fraud, I'm feminine.
What's coming up is almost too painful to even write a little bit about... Trying on the masculine stereotypes lead me down a deep dark spiral of depression because I wasn't taking my body seriously. I was living within a false bubble of cotton-candy like facades that rotted my teeth so to speak I did not become a strong man I became weaker and more insecure and overly sensitive to criticism and cut off friendships and parts of myself that were really beautiful. Being trans, it's both mental and physical and my body wanted to be accepted for the feminine and basically my doubts and fears and toxic environment I ended up in just put crusty layers on the surface when I could have been uncovering a truer sense of self that I am honoring today. My mind just went on a spiral out of control doing literally the same things over and over insanely trying to reroute my entire life experience into a false cracked not even 5% there shell and it just felt like the whole time I was looking through a teeny rose colored glass but mostly I could see that there was always something wrong with how I was. I need to take my body seriously and my mind does still have big scars from when I got hurt playing a role that didn't even exist. It just brings up disgust with my body and mind even though when I honor my transness and my life experiences I feel much more peace and happiness and calm and focus in the day-to-day life. It's truly remarkable the difference and I wish I could be more clear about these effects so anyone reading could try to avoid them but it is not easy to pull out the goopy messes and examine them they just feel like big depressing blobs of jelly that ultimately leave me feeling sickly and tired and crazed. This is serious stuff and I just don't know what else to say I wish I could say so much more because I know exactly what you're talking about.
It's almost like there are ancient ghosts of masculinity weighing down on my life and I have to transcend the curse so to speak it's really freaky s*** and the daily work to battle it has become larger than other good parts of my life which still puts me in depression and isolation. Do take it seriously. Be aware of the reality of transitioning but also know if you are meant to transition you need to transition it is not a choice or a silly need or a frivolous mistake or spree it is real and worth it and honoring it is not wrong.
I spent the vast majority of my life over compensating as a CIS male and the interesting thing is that no matter what, I STILL never felt accepted as a "real man". I've jumped out of airplanes for the military, was infantry, I've done cage fighting and body building and no matter what space I STILL always felt feminine and not accepted as a man by other men. Both men AND women would always tell me how feminine I was. I wish it wouldn't have taken me nearly 45 years of overcompensating to realize what I really am - a woman.
Okay i feel like I was overcompensating my entire childhood. Once someone gifted a hairdressthingbox to me and my sister. One blue and one pink one. I was so afraid to take the blue one. I fought over having the pink one which my sister actually liked more just to idk proof that I am a woman. I would not even touch or look at the blue set of hairbrushes. Then the nail polish phase took over bc everyone was doing it and to mention: I thought it was very practicable with hiding how dirty my nails were😂. But was it fun? I liked to paint them in a very artistic way but felt uncomfortable walking around with painted nails. Then I felt like I had to do so in order to be a woman. A few jears back I let myself talk into growing my hair out (short excurs: when I was little I never brushed them, hoping that someday the hairdresser would see no way in saving it bc I saw no other way to get the approval to cut them off. I was okay with a "women short hair cut" but always looked at people like Justin Bieber and wished to have a haircut like this.) First it was okay, then I absolutely threw myself into taking care of it excessively and style it. (I mean, it was some sort of fun) but at some point I started hating it soo much I couldn't bear it anymore. At the end I kind of forced myself to let it grow so long I could donate it to idk justify cutting all of again. At the end what I was feeling when I looked into the mirror was the purest sort of dysphoria. Luckily I'm grown up now and found someone who is exited to making it short. But since I have it short for 2 jears now (gets boring, thinking of trying out a "man bun" with undercut soon) my dysphoria doesn't allow me messing around with it anymore, shifts to my body, especially my breasts. I was forced to buy my first bra when they were a grown out e cup. (I was quite fat, lost almost 20kg last jear due to a more healthy lifestyle. Silly that I didn't even intend a weight loss but still. Breast tissue. Why) I was crying for the rest of the week, felt so uncomfortable. I thought i hated them bc they weren't okay or sth, went to push up. But now, wearing silly tight and almost unbreathable sports bras with sorry, but saggy tits and strechmarks (silly how much they were out of fat) I feel better seeing how flat i am now compared to then really not bad and objectively good boobs. Would admire them on another woman but... )I feel so grossed out by having other woman and) "on me" (standing in the same sentence.) I get mistaken for a boy often, don't feel bothered, don't correct. Even more extreme i feel shitty when people think i am a woman. What I like most about me is my sharp jawline (which I hated before bc its anything but feminine looking) I remember telling my cousin on a hike that I "wanted to be a man" -wearing the pink dress my mum put me in-, tugging the umbrella between my legs and kicking it while walking. My uncle walked by and said sth like "you won't grow a penis from that", having overheard this entire conversation. i was always such a depressed, miserable and aggressive child, harming myself since primary school, looking at old pictures i want to scream and ask if Noone ever noticed that there was something wrong with me. and now I kind of see anything from a different perspective. I have this deep feeling that I am anything but cis, allowing myself to do so i would say I see myself as demiboy. But I am still confused and so twisted in my mind that I don't think I could make such an impactful decision, can't even tell what I want to have for breakfast, is it bread ist ist oatmeal? Choosing the wrong one i will be unsatisfied but unable to eat the other one since im full. You see? Im scared I overinterpret everything and rush into loosing my parents due to them making clear they wouldn't approve me being a lesbian after I kind of dropped having a thing for a female classmate. (I'd say I'm pan/ace but only sex positive with wimen since I strike for the role of the man, can't bear being sexual with men even though I don't see anything different in sense of attraction between persons of any gender) I didn't even know that trans was "a thing", having no name for what was wrong with me all that time. I am so sure (never had a "gut feeling" before with anything, guess I never listened and now it is so unbearably strong and I'm afraid it betrays me. its so hard for me to trust anything i don't even trust my own mistrust) and confused at the same time, overall paralyzed by this internal fear. Okay wow, that comment grew as I was letting myself go more than I intended to
i sought out sexual partners. i tried to cope by 'getting help' from other girls to help me look like a real girl and try to fit in with how other girls looked or dressed or acted. i felt like i had to do this to fit in. i have felt nothing but shame for all of these things for years.
You're absolutely right! I've done this to myself in the past. I started going to the gym, smoking and drinking and even wanted to join the military because I thought these were all very masculine things. Living as a gay male, I surpressed my fem side and tried not to appear camp... I even enjoyed doing these things sometimes that I tried to convince myself that maybe I wasn't a trans female.
I really like this video. I think it can go the other way as well. Trans women will never wear anything masculine even if they still pass and even if they like it because they're afraid it makes them less trans. Same with trans men not wanting to wear more feminine clothing even if they like it. I love your videos!
I'm AFAB and I'm starting to think my social anxiety stems from dysphoria. I tend to overcompensate in the way I speak and act by subconsciously speaking in a higher pitch and acting more feminine around people I don't know well. I feel like people are judging me and I try to overcompensate my gender depending on the situation. I even act a lot more feminine when around my grandmother because she's old fashioned. When I'm with my brother or a close friend, I sound so much more masculine and relaxed. I think I spend so much time alone because it's like a weight is lifted off of me.
... It almost feels like you can read my mind.. I've been overcompensating & throwing myself to gender critics theories to discourage myself from transitioning.. I've been doing that for so long but I really cannot play pretend anymore
I can relate a bit. I figured out I was trans relatively late, but when I had the realization it came to my mind that when I was 12 or 13 (and had a hard time coping with the fact that the differences between girls and boys became clearer and clearer ;)) classmates told me I should wear more formfitting clothes like hot pants and other things I really didn't feel like wearing. I remember buying hyperfeminine bras (satin bras with lots of bows and laces) and forcing myself into tight t-shirts I felt really uncomfortable in (I didn't know why at the time and soon came to the conclusion that I just had to wait some time until I start liking all those things). I only stopped when I became aware of that I might be trans. I sometimes wonder if I might have known earlier if I hadn't tried to force myself in an unfitting role.
For 2 decades of my life, I often did the "what was expected of my birth sex (male)" or at least what I thought was expected. Though I didn't get into sports (because I have never liked main stream sports), I did refrain from some of the things I really wanted to try, because it might be seen as too feminine. Things like dance, theater, and art, which is weird when I think about it now, because none of those things are inherently feminine and I even knew guys back then that did it. But because it could, in my mind, remotely possibly be considered feminine, I didn't do it when I was young. I know I missed out on some experiences that I would have loved to have. It's really only been the last few years that I have tried some of those things, and I have really enjoyed it. What's worse, is because I didn't like my male expression, I allowed some health related things fall through the cracks.
Last year I got out of a relationship with a person who didn’t want me to express any masculinity. And then I jumped into a relationship with someone who allowed me to express my femininity or masculinity whenever I wanted and that made me feel more like my identity as non-binary because forcing femininity on me just gives me burnout and depression. (Still have physical dysphoria though sadly)
I overcompensated from the day in 4th grade, when a bully broke in my locker and found my make up until i was 40 and couldn't stop being mad at someone at work. Dug in, found my identity, then over compensated the other direction. I have found more balance now, but I still over compensate with obsessing over diet and voice tone, etc.
Didn't even know this was a thing. I've always had this feeling that I'm not masculine enough, always had this desire to be that tough strong guy. Couldn't really tolerate gym or sports since they all kind of make me uncomfortable, that feeling of insecurity and not being good enough between men comes back. Best I can do is to look and "act" grumpy and serious most of the time.
My "overcompensation" has led to 50 years of discomfort and denial. Everyone loved the "me" that I invented and presented ... it made me look elsewhere for fulfillment instead of inside to realize I have a screaming female in me dying to express herself.
I wonder how much of this overcompensation is imposed by parents and family pressure? Often, we don't choose our own clothes, hair, and activities. Which is a problem in and of itself.
I think I over-compensated as a kid and in college. As a kid, it was because my parents had two miscarriages between my 2 older brothers and me trying to get their little girl. So even though I felt more like one of the boys, when I was told I was special because I was the only girl, I wanted to lean into that. I started complaining that there weren't enough girls in fantasy adventure stories or video games because I wanted to see myself in the media I loved, but the truth is, I already identified with the male characters I had been playing. I only wanted to play as a girl because I thought I was supposed to. I think I then carried on that over compensation in high school and college at times because I wanted to be attractive to guys. I thought that I needed a man, and I wanted to attract one. So even though I hated my chest, I sometimes wore clothes that accentuated them because I thought it would make me attractive. And sometimes it did make me feel like I was attractive to others and would make me feel confident and good, but I didn't really feel like me. I've always been a "tomboy" to my core. It wasn't until I entered a longterm relationship with a long-time friend who really knows me and loves me for who I am that I started to realize that when I dressed more feminine I didn't feel like me, and I didn't have to do it anymore because I already have a partner. I've been identifying as nonbinary for almost a year but have kept questioning if I might be a man because I have very vivid childhood memories of wanting to be a man and grow facial hair and everything. I'm still not sure if I still want those things -- part of me definitely does, but part of me isn't sure -- or if I'm more comfortable sticking with nonbinary. Right now, I'm mostly focusing on top surgery because I know for a fact that my chest has ruined my life for over half my life even if I'm not a trans man, and I would be 100% happier and healthier without my chest curses. I haven’t felt comfortable in my own body since puberty because of my chest curses, and I'm almost 31 now. I'm not sure how much of it is because of my sensory issues with how they feel and how bras/binders feel and how much is the mental discomfort of the genderedness of having them, but it doesn't really matter as far as top surgery goes because there's no doubt in my mind that having a masculine chest would make me so much more comfortable in my body, regardless of the reason. But I live in Oklahoma, so... might have some trouble getting top surgery.
Hi, Dr Z! This is a great video that illustrates an aspect of my pre-transition self too. Prior to transition, I also over-compensated. It was always so awkward. My question extends from this to the other side. Have you found a correlary over-compensation with some post-transition women to go to extremes in femininity?
Hi and thanks for posting such a great question. Yes I would say I see that correlation for sure. Hmmm interesting to make a video on this too. Thanks.
I'm 31. Been overcompensating since childhood. I didn't want to be mocked for acting how I felt inside so I did what the boys did. I was terrible at sports so I gave up. I've always been a bit of a loner so I never had the chance to talk about myself on a real level. Went through high school and my 20s trying to be the manliest man I could and everyday I hated myself more. I look like a caveman and have the bone structure of one, too. I spent countless hours fantasizing of reincarnation as a female. I always thought someone like me was too big of a loser or too tall or too wide framed to consider transition. Still struggling with that. Told my wife and yah things are not going well on that front. She says I hurt her really bad by not being upfront in the first place but I didn't even have a word for this feeling until I was 30.
lol I joined the infantry, went to the gym, tried to get into sports, listened to angry fast metal music, hung out with the bros at bars on the weekend, tried to make my voice deeper, just trying to push it all away as far down as I could. I'm glad I stopped and decided to transition. Now I feel like I have a life, and I'm more relaxed and happy (except when I feel the "m*n in a dress" feeling).
What about over compensating with a beard? One of the reasons I paused my transition is because I would look at old pictures and like how I looked with a beard. The main dysphoria I feel is bottom dysphoria so it's never really been about my facial hair... Just my genitals and chest really.
![BABYMONSTER - 'DRIP' M/V REACTION [WAS NOT EXPECTING THIS!!!]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/t0Lpgr1jo3Y/mqdefault.jpg)
You are a miracle. Every time i struggle with something and I’m having problems, you come with another video and answer all these questions.
So glad to hear!
Yes I feel the same x
Same.
The very title of the video is pure propaganda which goal is to transform an Objective action into a Subjective one.
Nobody assigns anything at birth (Subjective). People just take note of the child's sex, Male, Female and in rare cases, Hermaphrodite (Objective), based on the child's factual Anatomy (again Objective)
This makes so much sense, as a biological female I was forced to wear dresses and such from a young age, when I got older as a teen I started to do what I want by becoming more of a "Tom boy" wearing male clothing etc, but when I got to 24, nearly 25, I started to realise that due to my family circumstances I can't transition so I started to get into makeup and dresses and more feminine clothing, Its not me but I try so hard to fit in, it's making my dysphoria worse but I don't know how to break out of the cycle.
Thank you for sharing and I am so sorry for your pain.
I did this for some years. Skirts, long hair, I even had a go with make up. It was "ok" for a while because it misdirected my dysphoria. It felt like the "I feel like I'm wearing a costume" feeling came just from my clothes and so if I could pull off them, it'd be ok.
It hurts to see how common it is among comments and I am so sorry for you pain.
THIS. I was in the military and my feminine clothes always felt more like a costume than my service uniform.
I overcompensated by forcing myself to hangout with my guy friends. I would play poker, golf, Frisbee golf. When I wasn't with my guy friends, I started going to the gym to build that muscle. I also went to lose weight, but that was part of it too. I wanted to show the world I have this awesome male physique. I definitely see what I was doing, in retrospect, and I realize that I was prolonging the inevitable.
Thank you for sharing as your sharing shows, this is sadly so common.
@@DRZPHD during this video, all i could think about was Bruce Jenner at the '76 Olympics.
Yes I did overcompensate many times as I was gowning up and even today sometimes.
In 7th grade I tried to join the football team! It was crazy here I was setting on the floor reading this parent permission slip I was suppose to get my parents to sign and thinking to myself, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!? Luckily my stepmother said no and really did saved me.
At church I used to wear a suit. While all the other guys were dressed casual I was in a tie and suit. I kept thinking the more manly I looked to more manly I would feel...but that didn't last.
I grew a beard for a while, real manly right? Wrong, the problem with growing a beard to cover my face is that it didn't cover my "eyes." Every time I would look in to my eyes in the mirror it was like I could hear her say, "I know what you're trying to do." Then I'd look away really fast and try not to think about it.
Amazing how many head games we play..
Ohhh my so much covering up we do. Things we put ourselves through and for what? For whom? Totally hear you.
I overcompensated before transition because I thought the reason I felt so terrible was because I hadn’t really done it “right”. It also allowed me to disassociate and disconnect from the discomfort, because it wasn’t me. In the end I was a mother goddess, beautiful high femme and I finally was able to accept that this made me feel worse not better. I began transition just shortly after a 15th year vow renewal ceremony where I can say without a doubt that I was absolutely beautiful and performing femininity flawlessly. After the wedding my body crashed, couldn’t stay awake, I was bedridden for three months. I started hrt a few months later and I’ve never felt better. Accepting the man I was meant to be has been tough, esp starting at 38, but it’s been nothing short of life saving.
Wow what a story and thank you for sharing. You demonstrate what a toll overcompensation takes.
I overcompensated by getting the most masculine guy I could find as my boyfriend (I am not even romantically attracted to men...) an dressing in a way that was so feminine that I out-shined most women I came across. Now when coming out to my friends they are so confused because they would have never expected me to be trans. It certainly makes coming out more difficult because I'm scared that some people will refuse to believe me (it didn't happen so far, my friends are lovely, but the fear persists).
Thanks for sharing and that form of compensation also common and I agree, can make things more challenging when you do come out.
I'm afab and I definitely overcompensated. I thought if I just lived long enough as the absolute stereotype, one day it would have to 'make klick'. So I embraced the image of a 50s housewive. In the beginning of my teenage years I started adopting the roles that a traditional woman should have.
I even took ballet lessons to learn to move more feminine, l almost exclusively wore skirts and dresses, just for make up I often was too lazy xD (I'm 25, btw)
I even recognized myself that I overcompensated and I knew it didn't do me any good, but I just couldn't bring myself to stop, until I accepted that I am transgender and slowly, bit by bit, I'm exploring my true self, allowing myself more and more to express myself the way I actually feel.
I have to thank my best friend for a lot of this. They were the one who slowly but surely broke my shell open and helped me getting away from the influence of my family, learning that I don't need to please them, that I first need to think of my own mental health.
Thank you for sharing and I am glad you have people such as your best friend to be there for you!
I very much can relate. It’s almost as though I’m just an actor playing a role, like I’m not even completely real. I’ve spent so long trying to convince others that I was a man, when I was actually just trying to convince myself.
Thanks for sharing and I am so sorry to hear.
I feel you
Wait, I’ve been struggling with this for a while and I’ve been questioning myself over and over because i tend to overcompensate and say “I’m just a girl, a girl who likes girls and dresses masculine.” It was hard to follow through but I’d do it to erase the thoughts of me ever transitioning or allowing the acceptance of me being trans, i was overwhelmed by the thought of me being a man, so i tried to be happy being female, i had a phase where I’d wear crop tops and skinny jeans and i tried to play with my hair. I cut my hair and I’ve accepted already liking girls, now it’s hard because I’ve erased these weird things I’ve done throughout my life that pointed out i might be trans. The most torturous thing i can do is dress really feminine and go out thinking “I’m a girl and people will see me that way”, I’ve been wanting to do it so i can avoid me accepting me being trans. I’ve been overcompensating through little things, like right now i feel so guilty about myself so I’ve been waking up and trying to be comfortable with it being female, everything i do i say “I’m a girl” and it’s hurting me in ways i can’t explain but I’m comfortable because I’ve done it for so long, repeatedly.
Thanks for sharing and I am so sorry you have spend so much time overcompensating especially since you seem so young.
I know those feelings of guilt so well. If I may share with you what I've learned so maybe you can apply it to your personal situation... You have no reason to feel guilty. You didn't do this to yourself or create these feelings out of whole cloth. I know that's easy to say but I went through the same guilt for decades knowing I was MTF until I realized that I didn't do this to myself nor did I ask for this condition. We are people like any cis person. We love & hate & hurt, laugh, cry & ponder just like our neighbors. You have no less value than anyone else. And whether you go through life presenting as female or male always know you have more value than a ton of gold or a mountain of jewels because you can reach out a helping hand or offer a shoulder to cry on. Guilt seems to go hand in hand with being trans but it has no power over us if we understand our personal value includes being of value to someone else. Rock on, Berri.
Johnnie you really made me happy. I got so emotional i cried(I’m crying as i type this) you deserve so much and i love you for your kind words and helpful advice. I will cherish them for as long as i live. Thank you so so much
@@sir.maccc- Love you too, sweetie.
Thanks for sharing, I have pain everyday from not being a girl. Same but opposite of you. SO. FUCKING. HARD. I love these videos and relate in so many ways. I only went out dressed once as a girl and am terrified to change or even explore. So hard to even get thru life sometimes....
Another way how I overcompensated was how I started drinking beer when I was 16 to be a 'tough guy', and would drink it at concerts to come across tougher. Not only did I make the wrong friends doing this, I also got very addicted to alcohol and weed. Because when I would be drunk/high, I wouldn't feel dysphoria because the alcohol and weed would make me feel artificial hapiness instead. I've been addicted to so many other, much worse drugs because of exactly this reason. It got me stuck in a vicious circle for years and years until I finally managed to break out of it in January this year.
I lost the friends that I made once they got to know me better and realized I was putting up a fake personality to conform to stereotypical gender standards, but most importantly I lost so many years and money on getting high and drunk that I could've spent on exploring my gender identity instead.
I did this LOADS as a preteen before I figured out I was trams!! Wore super feminine clothes that made me feel really uncomfortable, loads of makeup etc. Didn’t know how many other people did this!! Thank you!!!
Yes it is very common way to avoid dealing with dysphoria. Thanks for sharing.
ive been struggling with doubt because i was overcompensating so much before. i would try so hard to look gorgeous and feminine and it always felt like i was putting on a show. i could accept that it made me look good, but i still didnt feel good about myself and i always wondered why. knowing that i looked good as a girl always made me doubt if i was trans, but through this video, im realizing that i was really just overcompensating because i didnt want to accept that i was trans.
Thank you for sharing and I am glad the video helped you realize.
You are like TH-cam's trans mom
Ohh thats an excellent point of how one can overcompensate. I'd say that may arise out of deep desire to fit in.
Holy shit... I had no idea that that's what I was doing. I went through a phase where i acted really "girly" and grew my hair out and wore cleavage showing tops but none of it was for me. I cut off all my hair and went back to wearing mens clothes and products and feel way more comfortable with myself. Thank you for this video
Glad you are aware now. Overcompensation can really affect you.
This is so me. I tend to do this when i take selfies too, i try those filters with makeup and i look like such a pretty woman, that i tell myself "don't do this. You'll be ugly as a man, you wont pass, and it all will be more difficult. But look at how pretty you look, how well you come off as female. Its not worth it" which is also such a ridiculous thing.... I honestly think my female performance is the least genuine there can be 😅 everyone tells me im so delicate and so feminine all the time... And it shocks me because i dont see it.
Anyway, i definitely do overcompensate, usually after i come out (ive come out like 2 or 3 times, to myself and my mom). I start wearing A LOT of makeup and wearing tight feminine clothing and listening to Christian music and going to church as another form of overcompensation (im a good Christian girl, i would never be trans, thats a sin!!) Lol
Thank you for sharing.
This subject is so real for me, and is something I have thought a lot about. All of the overcompensating things you mentioned I did and/or experienced. The result of it was an internalized anger that I carried with me for years. That anger damaged many relationships and made my life choices much more problematic.
I am so sorry to hear.
Hi Dr. Z! Another great video about a very serious subject. I managed to do the same sorts of damage to myself by a slightly different route - In seems like I always find new ways to accomplish the same sorts of effects. I have said this previous comments - I knew at a very young age that I was really a girl and chose to hide the fact. I was a great at mimicking and found it easy to hide. I rarely showed my skirt, and, when I slipped, no one seems to have noticed. I usually didn't try to overcompensate and was never at home just being one of guys - I was always a little outside the group and pretty much a loner. I did manage to get into a few fights over this in high school. What I did instead of overcompensating was to systematically cut off anything that would give me away. The pain of hiding my true self became normal and so did my dysphoria. I also suffered severe depression and suicidal ideations since the start of puberty and those also became normal. I managed to hide for six decades before it all fell apart (I had been planning to take my secret to the grave). I was foolish to even try. Who in their right mind would spend a lifetime following plans concocted by a child who wasn't even three years old at the time. Well, I guess that would be me, but then again, they were my plans to begin with. I also became so dysfunctional over time that I was unable to address what I considered more serious issues, like four traumas each causing PTSD. When I finally sought help from a therapist, it wasn't to address being trans but it seems that therapists aren't willing to ignore the elephant in the room.
I haven't been hit with PTSD in over four months now, lost everything, am going through an ugly divorce, and started HRT about four months ago (hmmm). I should never have tried to wear a mask all those years, It was just about the most idiotic and destructve thing I could have done to myself. Wow, I always seem to run on and on ... LoL! Much love! 🤗😘💋❤❤❤💃💞
Ohhh thank you for sharing and so glad to hear HRT made all the difference.
Thank you.
I am currently in the process of (very slowly) coming out as transgender and it's not ideal. While coming out I think that I thought me presenting myself more feminine would let me see the beauty in femininity and that it would lead to me accepting my biological sex as my gender identity. I just want to say: "Hey, I was wrong. I'm totally cis and I won't have to deal with my name, my pronouns, transitioning when I am ready, telling everyone that I identify as trans and suddenly having to deal with everyone having an opinion about my existence". For me, the idea of transitioning is so scary because people will know something changed, they will question it and I just want to be normal. I am not an outgoing person and so the thought of having to come out and explain myself to everyone multiple times freaks me out as well. The pain I feel right now is something I know so it feels less scary.
Thank you for this video. You asked for our experiences and this is mine so far. I think I will try to do what feels right and not what I think other people say is the right way to be from now on. It's really not easy, though.
Thank for sharing and yes, be true to yourself vs trying to find a label or box to fit in.
Yes! I feel I can relate to this in some way. I went to an all girl's school. (I'm FtM) I didn't overcompensate in terms of clothing or makeup but rather mannerisms and just generally how I interacted with others. I hid my true self and only spoke/interacted when I knew how to in a feminine way with girls in school, so I was very quiet growing up. I had a close friend and I picked up a lot on how she interacted. Now I've transitioned, I still find it hard to shake off those learnt mannerisms, it's like a man-made default setting, especially when I'm around girls. Behaving in that way makes me feel dysphoric, and when I do, I just want to shut down. I feel like an empty shell because I have been socialised as female and overcompensating in this way, and because of that I feel there's a huge gap in who I truly am. I'm trying to crack the shell by transitioning. Given time, when I interact more with other guys, I think I will become more in touch with myself. Another indicator to me that I was trans, was that I felt a mental click with guys, this is what I'm talking about. I hope I make sense! It's been good to type this out anyway. Thanks for making these videos
Thanks for sharing and you make complete sense.
First of all, I wish I had found this video a couple of years ago. Being said that it means I overcompensated. I sort of consciuosly did it between 2017 and 2019. I started working out to build masculine features in my body; I also grew a thick beard, and wore clothing that I consider could call the attention from girls...shirts in most of the cases (which is a piece of clothing I really despise wearing.) It was crazy, each time I got a compliment from a girl by my looks I thought "She's saying that just because of the shirt, not me. I am a fraud." Still kept overcompensating, but it was toxic. Trying to be masculine enough felt like looking at the Everest and being forced to reach its peak. Horrible. For the record, I am MtF, agender; it just doesn't feel ok with me being called either man or woman. At the end of 2018 I couldn't bear the feeling of being a "fraud." So, at the beginning of 2019 I started shaving my beard and my arms. That last move was really difficult. I felt exposed, I don't know why. But as days went by I felt empowered. I saw that that little step took me beyond the Everest. Then, I slowly got rid of those male shirts and T-shirts, and got female T-shirts. I felt like being in heaven. I saw I could do a lot of things...and it wasn't painful! 2020 arrived, I started LHR (still on it), I am trying to get HRT, but the medical system in Colombia is just hell... slow like a snail. A big step was to go with my male appearance to a felmale store and try on items. I did it in Stradivarious; they just didn't care about my gender! They assissted me in a very respectful manner and were really willingly to provide the best attention they could. Today I was downtown wearing skinny jeans and a female T-shirt. Some people eveb adressed my with female pronouns. Geez, I simply smiled behind that damn mask we need to wear due to the pandemic. I sometimes get sad at the time wasted overcompensating, but when compared with the big achievements I've got in one year that sadness goes away. I am planning to get FFS, if it is not possible, at least I'll feminize my nose. Please, do not do overcompensate, it leads to depression and self harm. To conclude, I share here something I told myself while taking a step (i.e. trying female items in a store). That thing I told myself was the litany agaist fear written by Frank Herbert in his master piece DUNE:
"I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."
Thank you for sharing and for including powerful quote from DUNE.
I started overcompensating in high-school. I joined the same strength and conditioning class as the football players. After I graduated, I got a job in construction working rebar for concrete. Then I joined the military. That was a total mess. Atleast I went with the Air Force and not the Marines. One general discharge later, I finally quit overcompensating, but still had many years of avoidance before I finally accepted myself.
Thank you for sharing.
Very insightful video. My main over compensation tends to be growing a beard, repeating the words "I am a man" manically to myself in the mirror and fighting so hard to repress my femininity and trans nature. Biologically after all, I am am man, and here is me doing it again!
So sorry to hear of what sounds like "forced" attempt at bender you dont feel comfortable with.
It's spectacular how internally descriptive you are and you are possibly the first therapist that has EVER been precise and considerate.. thanks much Doctor Z - You're like trans The Incredibles
Thank you! I love Trans the Incredibles!
This is one of the reasons why the military has a large number of transgender individuals.
Oh I can see that correlation with people trying to over compensate.
I thought the reason is, that military can cover for hrt. Not sure tho, not an american here.
This is exactly what I needed to hear. I've normalised pain for the last 6 years. Every time I get through something that makes my dysphoria worse, I think: "wow I can do this. I don't have to transition. I can just love this way and keep everyone happy". I haven't really experienced over compensating to be honest, but I've just been in a sort of gender limbo for a long time. I haven't tried to be overly feminine but I also haven't cut my hair, got surgery, hormones, etc. to deal with my dysphoria. I still live with my parents (I'm 19) who tell me to just accept myself. They feel sorry for me but they would hate for me to do anything about it.
Thanks for sharing and glad it was helpful.
I used to try to look super feminine, girly clothes, hair, makeup. I developed an eating disorder in high school that I feel may have been partially due to dysphoria.
I am sorry to hear that, eating disorders are quite common alongside Gender Dysphoroia.
Wow I’ve experienced everything you said . When I did this for years it just brought me sadness and I felt lost . Made me be in denial and delay my transition. It’s still happening to an extent but I’ve been expressing my desired gender and growing my hair . But the thoughts are still happening on why put myself though all that work and risk if I can stay a certain way even though transition if what I desire most
So sorry to hear of your pain.
DR Z PHD it’s ok I have a therapy session today
Thanks Dr. Z. This is a good one. Before I accepted myself, I used to compensate mostly through resignation and fatalism. I always felt like a failure. I recognised overcompensation as the opposite side of that same coin, and mostly avoided it (so I could pretend to "accept" myself as a failure), but there were times I definitely "went there" with angry music or toxic politics. It can be dangerous to the soul and to society, even if it's not in the most stereotypically masculine forms!
Thanks for sharing and I am so sorry to hear of your pain.
So true! I try to compensate and lie myself two decades, until my dysphoria getting worse and unsuportabile! From the moment when a analyze honestly myself ...."who are really you?"
How affect me? In the beggining was ok, i didn't realise, but then i subpress all the signs that apear (comming with a lot of frustration in my relationship, work and personal life!). You feel empty some days, unsettled other days, have more struggle everyday when time past by. I become anxious, and not just lie myself, but trying to do exact the opus it! Fears and unsecurity become more present and you find in a place that you couldn't find any solutions to cope and deal with it!
Now...i accept what i am, a Woman, not a man, and become more easier to fight with my disphoria.
Thank You, Doctor Z, it help me to confirm what i believe about danger of compensating.
I definitely compensated a lot for a couple years. After my depression was better I hung on to the idea of being conventionally attractive and accepted and dressed and acted stereotypically feminine. But it was so much insecurity. After more therapy I eased so far up on that and then realized I’m non-binary 🤷 after I had more confidence I could think about what made me feel good and not about getting others to like me. Which is crazy, I used to think I could never be happy, so why try. I’ve never been happier to be wrong.
Thanks for sharing.
You hit that nail perfectly. 50 yrs old and have done exactly what you spoke about. Heavy equipment mechanic, can outwork any man around. Refuse to get sick. Don't seek help even when it's evident I need it. Until recently, unable to get therapy for dysphoria because it would make me realize I have a sickness that needs treatment. Listening to your videos, I have finally felt comfortable enough to seek a therapist even though I haven't seen him yet. Thanks again!
Thank you and glad it resonated.
Dr Z, this video resonates so strongly. I’ve always known that I am trans, but spent years running from it to include a career in the military, participating in high risk/high adrenaline hobbies, and even taking testosterone in hopes to push the feeling away. I’ve held on to the belief that transition would take away the parts of me that give me pride and the sports I enjoy. It’s just compounded to my fear and is holding me back. Thank you for articulating so well these topics that are very real.
Thank you for sharing and I am so sorry for all the overcompensation you had to go through.
I am still overcompensating I was going to go into the Marine Corp I got talked out of that ,so I went to diesel school to learn truck's , I worked on truck's for 7 year's got laid off ,then I got my CDL done over the road for a while hauling equipment, now I'm up here in North Dakota driving mud / ice road , now I don't really know how to be soft ,I try to stay busy enough to not think about it, but I feel like I have lost a part of me along the way just trying to make everyone else happy.
I am so sorry to hear that.
Hey friend, I just want to tell you one thing. There is only one person you can make happy in life and that is yourself. I spent literally decades trying to live a life that pleased other people only to get abandoned by them all and still be miserable myself. No more! I'm doing what makes ME happy. Everyone else is not my problem. I hope that helps you. Much love.
Dr. Z, Your "Overcompensating" episode really put my life under a microscope. Spent way too much time chasing young women during the sexual revolution of the '60s and '70s, so you likely can do the math and realize I am way past middle-age, yet preparing for HRT, even this late in the game. I could have pursued transition two or three good times years ago, but always found excuses and overreaction to stop what I should have done. But, to hell with lost time. I'm thrilled to be starting a new life.
Thanks for sharing and I am glad to see that the "past" is not holding you hostage!!!!
Wonderfully said! I massively overcompensated many many times. When I was seven I wore all pink everything, had pink hair, pink was even my favorite artist. Even earlier, when I was three or four, i would put on every single feminine thing I had until I was a pile of beads and feathers. I knew people got a kick out of it and I loved seeing them so happy. It felt like the only thing I could do to be accepted, and thats all i remember for most of my childhood. Sadly this means my family thinks I was/am the girliest girl to ever girl. Other kids priorities were learning how to make people laugh, how to impress them with drama or smarts, how to be sweet and considerate, (or just trying to get by like me), and while I hope I have some of those qualities too, I was totally obsessed with figuring out how to be a girl. I read books about girls, my closest friends were girls, i watched movies about disney princesses, had braids and ponytails, and did my best to not think about how forced it all felt. I was so lonely, sad, irritable, and restless.
I came out to boyfriends a few times when I was in my late teens, but until my ex fiance there wasn't much bite behind the bark. I started coming out more and more, and started hormones when I was 19 or 20. Fast forward a few years of being recloseted and cycling between dissociating and having breakdowns, and I had my last (hopefully ever) overcompensation period.
I started thinking about myself and my gender again and almost immediately spent a few hundred dollars on makeup, dresses, shoes, whatever. My hair was long by that point and I started dressing up and going on dates. Then corona hit, and I had to live with myself and was like oh wait, that wasn't me. That wasn't a life, that was an act. I am absolutely a man, always have been, and always will be. And if I let my family or anyone else wedge me back in the closet again I won't be able to forgive myself. It was very uncomfortable and I've made a lot of calls to the trans lifeline, but it's gonna be worth it. Recently I've been skipping my T and hesitating to give away my high femme clothes, so I was worried another overcompensation period was coming, but this video reminded me of this whole history and how much it'll hurt if I go back. Thank you so much for all the time and effort and care you put into making these videos and responding to us.
Thanks for sharing and there is nothing wrong with hitting a period of doubt and want to skip T or get some femme clothes. Suggest you allow some femme stuff in and just observe if it feels right. Chances it wont and you'll at least be able to move forward leaving the doubt behind.
Is there a video that is about MTF and nothing but full of joy and just glowing?
From the moment I found myself I’ve not been angry a single day, happy, sometimes sad but I allow myself the time to dance with these emotions. Within three months I lost crazy weight just dancing, my full body orgasms like MTF explain on HRT began before I knew what HRT was, my testicles literally are like there non existent they retract into the body 90% of the day no tucking needed, I love science and have studied psychology and the psychology behind this transition is wonderful. And I just can’t imagine I’m the only one with this mutual arrival of mind, body and soul. It’s a beautiful life, I am so lucky to have only taken 37 years to get to this year to live free and begin the transition physically, but only after the transition of the mind took place.
Thank you for your videos, they have ment a great deal to my female partner and I, she experienced many doubts, but watched it all unfold the pictures of transitioning of the mind before HRT are already amazing
Thank you for sharing.
My overcompensation has lead to my low self esteem and feelings of inadequacy. Wow what a mistake that has been.Now at 66 I am finally sorting it out.
So glad to hear you are focusing on it now.
I did this for 40+ years starting in highschool. Grew a mustache and then beard when able, wore roughneck style clothing and not concerned about appearance because of working in the trades. Only been this last year or so that I really started a hard look at myself and my life and I realized that I was unhappy for a reason and what the cause was or is. Probably be in better health if I would have sat down and thought of it 10 or 20 years ago. Finally have some peace of mind and a direction to work towards in seems like forever.
Thank you for sharing!
I'm in a similar boat friend! See my comment above.
This hits deep. I went so deep on what I thought was manly sports,shooting,trucks and I honestly don't really like those. Not understanding what I was doing forced me deeper into denial until it came back and hit me so hard that I realized it's now or never. At 30 I feel it's my last chance to live the life I always wanted by being passable
Thanks for sharing.
Dr Z, I need you to be my companion who will give me continuous confidence- and explain my appearance and behavior to everyone I encounter in everyday life. And normalize my transitional gender to me and everyone else!
Hi! I think you are fully capable of being your own confidant companion :)
To the dot, Dr Z. Very very accurate. I lived many decades this way and its done so much damage to my mental and physical health, and in so many aspects of my entire life... Thank you for sharing your expertise with the world...
I am so sorry to hear. Overcompensation can be so deceiving.
This video reads me like a book over the last 20 years. I overcompensated in playing sports and relationships but in the end I always ended back at square one questioning my gender. One of the more common forms of overcompensating is getting married and trying to start a family to prove your a male I did this twice and each marriage ended up in failure because my dysphoria it would lead to arguments and fights. Now that I look back it was more of being angry with myself and taking it out on others because I couldn't be who I wanted to be. What I felt I lost was something important to all of us was time. I think of all those years that passed by I could have transitioned and been living a much happier life. I'd glad I finally took the steps last February to beginning addressing my gendered issues while I have a long road to go (not fully out yet) I've felt the best I've felt in years because I'm on the right path. This is a subject that I think a lot of therapist didn't properly address in the 90s. Mine just told me to focus on living and dressing as a female when she should have told me to let go of those behaviors and activities that I would fall back on when I questioned my transition at the time and had doubts. Again another great topic! Why does it feel like I'm viewing the story of my life when I watch your videos and you know the ending?!?
Thank you for sharing and you bring up an excellent point that I also should have address; overcompensating with marrying and having kids!
So glad I've found your channel 💚 i did this. First when I thought I was a woman because I was hearing all homophobia and transphobia growing up so I tried being straight... that didnt work obviously so I let myself be open to other attraction too and had a crush on a woman right away 🙃😅🥰 and later on I heard about nonbinary, in my twenties. In Finland we call nonbinary "other gender(s)" so until something happened I didnt give myself a chance at that yet. But once I did, my starting point was "I'm a femme/agender gender fluid person" and that was also a little bit overcompensating because I had recent trauma and lots of problems to work through and in a way that was a mask and I had this weird thing where I felt like I owed femininity something or femininity to someone... but truthfully, that does not feel right to me. And I've noticed that even my sexual preference has changed away from straight guys completely due to this. I feel more like a gay demiboy/neutral at this point... so we'll see how hormones will shift that or if it will LOL
Thank you for sharing and I am sorry for the pain you endured.
I did body building in my 20’s in an effort to feel comfortable with my body. I have pretty mild dysphoria and that was a big reason I did not identify that I was a trans woman. I figured you needed to have this massive issue with yourself to the point where looking in the mirror was painful to be trans. That was the lie I told myself for decades that I needed to suffer more in order for transitioning to be worth it. So I just rationalized that these feelings of incongruity was because I was insecure about the fat on my body. So I got big arms and thick thigh muscles but I was still not feeling right. Then I tried to project an overly (toxic) alpha male persona. I dated women even though I was openly gay just to affirm my masculinity.
I cringe when I think about it now but now that I’m accepting these feelings about my gender identity I feel like I was a textbook case of overcompensation. I used every trick in the book down to TH-cam video hypnosis to be more Alpha. I tried so hard to be something I never felt fully comfortable with and it made me super depressed. The endorphins from working out made my dysphoria a little better but I still never felt like I was myself. I went to vocal coaches to learn how to speak in a lower voice but now I can’t stand to hear myself. I did everything to remove my feminine aspects to the point where I felt uncomfortable expressing my natural behavior. Now because I was so gung-ho about being an Man with a capital M I’m terrified that my family will believe that I’m faking or that it’s a phase or worse that my LGBTQ+ friends put these thoughts into my head.
It’s so hard for me to convey to cisgendered people the feelings of “wrongness” that trying to deny what you are makes you feel because I couldn’t understand them myself until now. I just want to wear cute tops and skirts and feel affirmed that I am a woman but this male body keeps me from enjoying it to the fullest. I now avoid mirrors at all cost because my dysphoria is so much worse because I overcompensated in my youth. These muscles that I thought would make me happy are now my biggest regret. I can’t wait to go on HRT some days because I just want to remove some of this nasty bulk. At least I’m healthy and fit so I try to take that as a net positive.
Thank you for sharing.
I joined the military very young thinking it would help, it didn't. I started bodybuilding, same.
I'm finally starting on HRT in my early 30s, as of a few weeks ago. I felt more clear-headed as Dr Z mentions in another video, I can't describe it properly but she does! Lol... Thank you so much Dr Z, you've been such an amazing help. 🙏🏳️⚧️💖
So glad to hear!!! Best of luck to you
I've done this for over 43 years. This answers so many questions. Thank-you.
I am sorry to hear that but I am glad it clarified things for you.
Me too. I've shown the world a collection of manly-man facets, shining on the surface I presented, but distorting reality from the inside looking out. I'm just starting this journey but the more I look and listen, the more I see and hear. So it's totally One Day at a Time toward a destination only dimly perceived. Each day brings another discovery. Thanks, Doc.
Thank you for sharing.
I did this most of my life. It was killing me.
I am so sorry to hear.
Thank you for another great video. This video helped me so much it reminded me of what I've been doing for the last 21 years. The first time ever expressed myself in a feminine way I was meant with negativity from my parents. They told me that I couldn't do that because I and biologically male and males don't do that.
Well because of this I tried to suppress any feelings that I ever had of being feminine out of fear of it being wrong like I was told. The feelings never went away they just got suppressed but they always came back. I always had the desire for wearing women's underwear because it felt the most comfortable and it was something that I could keep hidden from the world. But it allowed me to feel feminine and feel like myself. It felt right when I would do it at least at the start but it wouldn't last very long because of the fear of what I was told.
It feels like I've lived the last 21 years of my life on autopilot. Just constantly trying to suppress the feelings every time they come trying to overcompensate by being a man and doing manly things because I I felt like I couldn't be a woman because it was wrong. There was one time about 5 years ago when I did actually consider transitioning but that also didn't last long out of fear of not fully understanding what transgender meant and what it meant to transition. I felt it meant that I could only be a man or a woman and that scared me it made me feel like I had to have all or nothing.
When I look back at it now I'm reminded of how I was told that it's wrong to be feminine as a man since men can't do that. Ultimately this is caused gender confusion and confusion on whether I really am transgender or have gender dysphoria. I have noticed though as I have been exploring my gender for the last 3 months that I am noticing signs of gender dysphoria and things that are making me uncomfortable. I'm also having the same fear and it's causing me to question whether I'm just making up my feelings of gender dysphoria and that I'm just trying to convince myself that something's wrong so that way I can feel justified being transgender.
But watching your videos is helping me and I'm learning to just keep reminding myself that when I'm actually experiencing gender dysphoria it is real and that everything I am doing right now to transition is not permanent and I can stop whenever I want. I've determined to start social transition as much as I can as a way to help me determine how I feel exactly and what it is I want. I'm also speaking with counselors and am looking into gender therapy. All of this is helping the thoughts are still there but I finally had to tell myself look what you've done the last 21 years you keep trying to suppress your feelings sure they go away temporarily but they always come back. It's like you said in one of your videos you can't outrun gender dysphoria.
Thank you for sharing and I wish you all the best.
You helped me realize that my overcompensation came in the form of having to excel at everything I engaged in. Hence I have had big dreams and big ideas that hung over me and always made and males me feel burdened by having to always achieve. As a result in the past I consistently succeeded in my field, won major awards and accolades. They didn’t then and don’t now allow me rest and relaxation. When you describe compensating It is a missing element of why I cannot enjoy things as they are.
Yes, over achievement is huge for trans people when it comes to overcompensation especially working working working.
I've been overcompensating by doing so much powerlifting and basically living in the gym. It gave me an escape. It made me numb feelings that question whether I have gender dysphoria or not. Just how drugs and alcohol were able to numb those feelings as a teen, in my early 20s as a "man" the gym made me numb those feelings.
Thank you for this video. It took me so long to realize I was essentially running away from my dysphoria, but you can't outrun it, ever.
Thank you for sharing and I am glad this video was helpful.
Looking back, there are so many things I used to want to do but never did because I felt that they were too girly or not appropriate for a man. I remember girl friends joking/proposing to do makeup for the guys at parties I went to and really wanting it while also feeling like I had to go in lockstep with every other guy in refusing.
I've also spent the last 3-4 years going to the gym very regularly, exercising daily almost (cardio + weight training). This was after a lifetime of me being terminally unhappy with my own body image as a chubby kid/teen, and I felt like getting in shape would help. And to an extent it did, but I also realize now how this still didn't bring happiness either: there was always something to work towards too, a body goal I would need to reach before being "truly happy" with myself.
Thanks for sharing.
Thank you for this interesting video! I am thinking about this for a while now. For about three years (I‘m 30) I thought that I am genderfluid, because there are days in which I feel feminine and enjoy wearing feminine clothes. But then there are these days in which I feel so dysphoric and ask myself if I am just trying to keep going on as a woman. I just wished I would be sure what I am, no matter what the outcome would be. But I am married, a mom, I have a job.. so I know there are enough reasons to overcompensate. So either I am actually genderfluid or trans and overcompensating. Can you maybe do a video about genderfluidity? If feeling like this is a real thing or just a symptom?
Hi and thanks for sharing. Great topic and I will for sure do a video on gender fluid because you can also experience dysphoria but stemming more of a social dysphoria vs body dysphoria. Thanks for suggestion.
I wrote a stupid long comment but there was an error and I don't have the heart to write it again, but yeah I 100% did this and in the long run, it made me hate almost everything about myself. It took contemplating suicide for me to finally accept who I was. I'm very early in my transition and am only out to a few people but, I'm finally hopeful about the future. Thank you for making this content, I do have a therapist but it is still very helpful when I feel doubtful or confused.
Thank you for sharing and I am so glad to hear you doing well and are hopeful about the future. I wish you all the best.
Look at my photo, overcompensating I was. I joined the army, played sports & did MMA 😂😂😂 it's so funny now looking back. Hearing your videos makes everything Ive been through make sense.
Time to change the photo :)
@@DRZPHD I did!!! Thank you!! Your channel is the best. A diamond 💎 in the rough on youtube
I'm so guilty of this; I had my long hair cut off in 2014 and even though people close to me said I looked good with short hair, I felt so uncomfortable and ugly with my looks all of the time after cutting it. While I can't bear seeing myself presenting male in pictures, with short hair this feeling was amplified even more. I had it cut initially because I didn't want to be an easy target when starting on my new studies at college.
In 2019 I started lifting weights because I thought I was uncomfortable because I was lacking selfconfidence. I started looking better as a male and it did make me feel a little bit better because people would actually respect me more, but I realized after a while that I was only lifting weights to fit into ideal image of how a biological male should look.
I also realized that I was lacking so much selfconfidence because I was so uncomfortable with the gender identity I was assigned birth and the lack of me expressing that identity. When I started expressing myself more freely by wearing more feminine clothing I would always feel better but it would never be quite enough, the fact of it being clothing made for males still carries a certain amount of uncomfortability for me so I've started socially transitioning and getting rid of male clothes step by step, which feels really good but also a bit scary sometimes. This is also where I'm at right now in my journey
Thank you for sharing your experience and I am glad you started to express yourself more.
Overcompensation can be overcome by a change of environment, by my experience Means replacing, friends, loved ones and environment, all if you can, some cannor because of family commitments and other ties. Its detrimental in the long run, your not who you are and want to be. My 2 cents. Dr Z is spot on in her assessment.🙂
Thank you for sharing.
Very noce channel must be promoted
Nice
For me I feel like I'm overcompensating concerning the thoughts I have about myself. I still like presenting masculine (I'm afab) but my head is always like "no, stop making up you're trans. just try being a woman etc.". Is that a form of overcompensation too?
Hi and thanks for sharing. That sounds like your brain is over analyzing and justifying to avoid fearful situation.
I did go through an overcompensating phase but it was short lived at 14 through 16 and then my life situation has fscilitaded me living in an avoidant state as i run my fsmilly bussness and live in a dense comunity of gate keeping circles which i learnrd that term in this channel once . Im not going to remove my self from my beloved enviroment but those sho opose will have to make dew eventually as i make progress . 😁
Totally hear you! Set your own boundaries!
@@DRZPHD yes 👍 thank you 😊
This is (again) so spot on!! This was so very validating, thank you so much. Random question, would you mind putting your pronoun(s) in your main disclaimer or in the video description? Thnx!
Absolutely!!
I remember when I was in my mid 20’s, I was very un happy with my body. The reason I associated with this was being over weight. So I lost about 130 lbs and got in shape, huge boost to my confidence and self esteem, but the effects were short lived. I would end up lapsing back in and out of dysphoria, I would also keep my self busy with projects. Learning trade skills and building stuff, though when ever I would find a lull, dysphoria would be there waiting.
Thank you for sharing.
I watched this video again, like I do many of your videos. Thanks for your reply on my previous comments.
I recently looked at pictures I took during the brief period I decided to grow a full beard when I was trying to over compensate and trying to tell myself that I didn't need to transition. I tell you, I completely hate those pictures now and I'm like, what on earth was I thinking!!! 😂😂😂
Yes those past photos are telling and helpful to affirm where you at.
about 5 years ago I went back to college after having to quit my job due to arm injuries. At my former job I had to be clean shaved and this change allowed me to grow facial hair again. I typically had long hair because as part of my cope was to have long hair. I cut off my hair and grew a beard and during that 2 year course I started a family with my wife. This overcompensation eventually lead me to where I am now. After a few part time and unsuccessful insurance career, I took whatever job I could to support my family. This landed me in a hyper masculine Industrial Truck/Trailer cleaner for an International trucking company. I lost myself in this job but its effects on me are quite clear. I became even more miserable, lashing out constantly, always full of rage. To me it was like going to hell to be paid. I had always felt more comfortable working with women then other men. It should have been so obvious but the denial was strong.
When I took time off during the pandemic to take care of my newborn girl, the relief i felt not having to go back there was overwhelming. It was over this past year that I have blew up my relationship even more then I had already been doing, but I ended up with me finally accepting that I am Trans. She thinks this is just another way to hurt her. I have always been searching to an answeer o my problem and now that I truly understand it, she thinks its just another obsession.
Thanks for sharing and I wish you well.
I tried really hard for years to build muscle without any results , as a little kid I left art education for basketball which I only liked at the beginning, the list goes on.
I have recently started transitioning MTF but I did this for a long time. Working out, dieting, modeling and GOGO dancing and working hard to be a man and it actually increased my dysphoria because presenting in a much more masculine way felt even more incongruous to me.
Thanks for sharing.
Excellent video Dr Z. I have taken to heart your earlier advice to try social transition.
Yup, I did the overcompensation thing. Paratrooper, testosterone etc. It just made things worse. Thanks for the valuable information you provide.
Thanks for sharing!
After a few on HRT it got worse for me because now I just work and go to the gym as my new gender role because my body changed but I wish I had enough money for face surgery already and it’s hard to be in public because of people looking at me I feel lower and lost but just want it all to be complete I took too many estrogen also and made me sick I just hate being a boy it’s a horrible feeling! But god send me people like u to see to keep me going and be happy x
Sorry to hear it got more difficult. Hope it will get better.
This is very common but there is another problem. Overcompensating (Either hyper masculine or hyper feminine) creates the impression to those around you that you are happy and succeeding in that gender. When you eventually come out, its a major shock to friends and family because its such an extreme U-turn from who they thought you were. Any ideas on how to ease the distress on both sides?
Thank you for bringing up an important point. This often does happen and is a major cause for missudnerstanding. I think best way is to explain to the family how much overcompensating behavior you were actually engaging in.
This is so true.
I recognize this in myself. Married 3 times and had two children as well, and still miserable and confused. I screwed my whole life up. It wasn’t until my late 40’s I figured myself out. At 56, this the year I get therapy and by this winter or next spring I get my top surgery.
Sorry to hear of your pain and glad to see you are staring to live your life.
I took up many physical hobbies. It did not help i was working with my family doing construction. Boxing, jiu-jitsu, weightlifting. I got bigger and stronger. I never fit into those social circles though. I tried my hardest. Now I'm proud of the strength and accomplishments I did but they still feel empty. Those things feel like they define me and i did throw myself hard at them. manically and haphazardly. I try to represent as female now but all the working out and large body genetics make that hard for me. My learned habits from being around those masculine environments and playing at fitting in hurt my ability to just accept myself.
Thank you for sharing and I am sorry you spend so much time over compensating.
For me, a HUGE part of my journey came when I realized _I had been pretending to be a male all my life._ I had seen myself as a male with aberrant feminine characteristics since I was small. I embraced my femininity in secret ways, finding a sex-neutral position in my social and work life, but always tilting masculine for appearance' sake. After a while I came to the realization that acting male was taking up so much of my mental effort. I avoided almost all social interaction because of the mental stress it was to _'go out and be a boy again.'_ Sure, looking decent with my masculine features is hard work, too, but that's physical work, and it's actually emotionally fulfilling and fun! I'm at the age where I wear makeup every day and it's barely a thought, it's basically automatic. Seeing myself as a feminine person opened my mind and heart up to being a lot less critical of myself. I'm not a fraud, I'm feminine.
What's coming up is almost too painful to even write a little bit about... Trying on the masculine stereotypes lead me down a deep dark spiral of depression because I wasn't taking my body seriously. I was living within a false bubble of cotton-candy like facades that rotted my teeth so to speak I did not become a strong man I became weaker and more insecure and overly sensitive to criticism and cut off friendships and parts of myself that were really beautiful. Being trans, it's both mental and physical and my body wanted to be accepted for the feminine and basically my doubts and fears and toxic environment I ended up in just put crusty layers on the surface when I could have been uncovering a truer sense of self that I am honoring today. My mind just went on a spiral out of control doing literally the same things over and over insanely trying to reroute my entire life experience into a false cracked not even 5% there shell and it just felt like the whole time I was looking through a teeny rose colored glass but mostly I could see that there was always something wrong with how I was. I need to take my body seriously and my mind does still have big scars from when I got hurt playing a role that didn't even exist. It just brings up disgust with my body and mind even though when I honor my transness and my life experiences I feel much more peace and happiness and calm and focus in the day-to-day life. It's truly remarkable the difference and I wish I could be more clear about these effects so anyone reading could try to avoid them but it is not easy to pull out the goopy messes and examine them they just feel like big depressing blobs of jelly that ultimately leave me feeling sickly and tired and crazed. This is serious stuff and I just don't know what else to say I wish I could say so much more because I know exactly what you're talking about.
It's almost like there are ancient ghosts of masculinity weighing down on my life and I have to transcend the curse so to speak it's really freaky s*** and the daily work to battle it has become larger than other good parts of my life which still puts me in depression and isolation. Do take it seriously. Be aware of the reality of transitioning but also know if you are meant to transition you need to transition it is not a choice or a silly need or a frivolous mistake or spree it is real and worth it and honoring it is not wrong.
The hate and frustration I felt toward myself translated to others and was sometimes reflected because I just wasn't connecting with others.
There's an "I Love Me" Playlist on my channel it is filled with love for u to check out th-cam.com/play/PLkEahSXxlPB0a8RQ_6aSL30uBFIjpAham.html
Thank you for sharing and I am so sorry for the pain overcompensation has caused you.
I spent the vast majority of my life over compensating as a CIS male and the interesting thing is that no matter what, I STILL never felt accepted as a "real man". I've jumped out of airplanes for the military, was infantry, I've done cage fighting and body building and no matter what space I STILL always felt feminine and not accepted as a man by other men. Both men AND women would always tell me how feminine I was. I wish it wouldn't have taken me nearly 45 years of overcompensating to realize what I really am - a woman.
Okay i feel like I was overcompensating my entire childhood. Once someone gifted a hairdressthingbox to me and my sister. One blue and one pink one. I was so afraid to take the blue one. I fought over having the pink one which my sister actually liked more just to idk proof that I am a woman. I would not even touch or look at the blue set of hairbrushes. Then the nail polish phase took over bc everyone was doing it and to mention: I thought it was very practicable with hiding how dirty my nails were😂. But was it fun? I liked to paint them in a very artistic way but felt uncomfortable walking around with painted nails. Then I felt like I had to do so in order to be a woman. A few jears back I let myself talk into growing my hair out (short excurs: when I was little I never brushed them, hoping that someday the hairdresser would see no way in saving it bc I saw no other way to get the approval to cut them off. I was okay with a "women short hair cut" but always looked at people like Justin Bieber and wished to have a haircut like this.) First it was okay, then I absolutely threw myself into taking care of it excessively and style it. (I mean, it was some sort of fun) but at some point I started hating it soo much I couldn't bear it anymore. At the end I kind of forced myself to let it grow so long I could donate it to idk justify cutting all of again. At the end what I was feeling when I looked into the mirror was the purest sort of dysphoria. Luckily I'm grown up now and found someone who is exited to making it short. But since I have it short for 2 jears now (gets boring, thinking of trying out a "man bun" with undercut soon) my dysphoria doesn't allow me messing around with it anymore, shifts to my body, especially my breasts. I was forced to buy my first bra when they were a grown out e cup. (I was quite fat, lost almost 20kg last jear due to a more healthy lifestyle. Silly that I didn't even intend a weight loss but still. Breast tissue. Why) I was crying for the rest of the week, felt so uncomfortable. I thought i hated them bc they weren't okay or sth, went to push up. But now, wearing silly tight and almost unbreathable sports bras with sorry, but saggy tits and strechmarks (silly how much they were out of fat) I feel better seeing how flat i am now compared to then really not bad and objectively good boobs. Would admire them on another woman but... )I feel so grossed out by having other woman and) "on me" (standing in the same sentence.) I get mistaken for a boy often, don't feel bothered, don't correct. Even more extreme i feel shitty when people think i am a woman. What I like most about me is my sharp jawline (which I hated before bc its anything but feminine looking) I remember telling my cousin on a hike that I "wanted to be a man" -wearing the pink dress my mum put me in-, tugging the umbrella between my legs and kicking it while walking. My uncle walked by and said sth like "you won't grow a penis from that", having overheard this entire conversation. i was always such a depressed, miserable and aggressive child, harming myself since primary school, looking at old pictures i want to scream and ask if Noone ever noticed that there was something wrong with me. and now I kind of see anything from a different perspective. I have this deep feeling that I am anything but cis, allowing myself to do so i would say I see myself as demiboy. But I am still confused and so twisted in my mind that I don't think I could make such an impactful decision, can't even tell what I want to have for breakfast, is it bread ist ist oatmeal? Choosing the wrong one i will be unsatisfied but unable to eat the other one since im full. You see? Im scared I overinterpret everything and rush into loosing my parents due to them making clear they wouldn't approve me being a lesbian after I kind of dropped having a thing for a female classmate. (I'd say I'm pan/ace but only sex positive with wimen since I strike for the role of the man, can't bear being sexual with men even though I don't see anything different in sense of attraction between persons of any gender) I didn't even know that trans was "a thing", having no name for what was wrong with me all that time. I am so sure (never had a "gut feeling" before with anything, guess I never listened and now it is so unbearably strong and I'm afraid it betrays me. its so hard for me to trust anything i don't even trust my own mistrust) and confused at the same time, overall paralyzed by this internal fear.
Okay wow, that comment grew as I was letting myself go more than I intended to
Thank you for sharing.
By the way I want to thank you again you were the one that help me get my paperwork done. Thank you for that you are a wonderful ally.
Anytime! 🤗
i sought out sexual partners. i tried to cope by 'getting help' from other girls to help me look like a real girl and try to fit in with how other girls looked or dressed or acted. i felt like i had to do this to fit in. i have felt nothing but shame for all of these things for years.
Thank you for sharing and I am so sorry to hear.
You're absolutely right! I've done this to myself in the past. I started going to the gym, smoking and drinking and even wanted to join the military because I thought these were all very masculine things. Living as a gay male, I surpressed my fem side and tried not to appear camp... I even enjoyed doing these things sometimes that I tried to convince myself that maybe I wasn't a trans female.
Glad you notice now in retrospect.
Hit the nail on the head!
I really like this video. I think it can go the other way as well. Trans women will never wear anything masculine even if they still pass and even if they like it because they're afraid it makes them less trans. Same with trans men not wanting to wear more feminine clothing even if they like it. I love your videos!
I agree. Thanks for including that as well.
I'm AFAB and I'm starting to think my social anxiety stems from dysphoria. I tend to overcompensate in the way I speak and act by subconsciously speaking in a higher pitch and acting more feminine around people I don't know well. I feel like people are judging me and I try to overcompensate my gender depending on the situation. I even act a lot more feminine when around my grandmother because she's old fashioned. When I'm with my brother or a close friend, I sound so much more masculine and relaxed. I think I spend so much time alone because it's like a weight is lifted off of me.
Thanks for sharing.
... It almost feels like you can read my mind.. I've been overcompensating & throwing myself to gender critics theories to discourage myself from transitioning.. I've been doing that for so long but I really cannot play pretend anymore
So glad it resonated.
Your videos are so informative and helpful thank you so much!
You are so welcome!
I can relate a bit. I figured out I was trans relatively late, but when I had the realization it came to my mind that when I was 12 or 13 (and had a hard time coping with the fact that the differences between girls and boys became clearer and clearer ;)) classmates told me I should wear more formfitting clothes like hot pants and other things I really didn't feel like wearing. I remember buying hyperfeminine bras (satin bras with lots of bows and laces) and forcing myself into tight t-shirts I felt really uncomfortable in (I didn't know why at the time and soon came to the conclusion that I just had to wait some time until I start liking all those things). I only stopped when I became aware of that I might be trans. I sometimes wonder if I might have known earlier if I hadn't tried to force myself in an unfitting role.
Thanks for sharing.
For 2 decades of my life, I often did the "what was expected of my birth sex (male)" or at least what I thought was expected. Though I didn't get into sports (because I have never liked main stream sports), I did refrain from some of the things I really wanted to try, because it might be seen as too feminine. Things like dance, theater, and art, which is weird when I think about it now, because none of those things are inherently feminine and I even knew guys back then that did it. But because it could, in my mind, remotely possibly be considered feminine, I didn't do it when I was young. I know I missed out on some experiences that I would have loved to have. It's really only been the last few years that I have tried some of those things, and I have really enjoyed it. What's worse, is because I didn't like my male expression, I allowed some health related things fall through the cracks.
Sorry to hear about your health. When we often neglect one part of us, the overall being suffers.
Last year I got out of a relationship with a person who didn’t want me to express any masculinity. And then I jumped into a relationship with someone who allowed me to express my femininity or masculinity whenever I wanted and that made me feel more like my identity as non-binary because forcing femininity on me just gives me burnout and depression. (Still have physical dysphoria though sadly)
So glad to hear you are with someone who is ok with you exploring yourself.
Hiii it’s nice to see you again !
I overcompensated from the day in 4th grade, when a bully broke in my locker and found my make up until i was 40 and couldn't stop being mad at someone at work. Dug in, found my identity, then over compensated the other direction. I have found more balance now, but I still over compensate with obsessing over diet and voice tone, etc.
I am so sorry to hear.
Didn't even know this was a thing. I've always had this feeling that I'm not masculine enough, always had this desire to be that tough strong guy. Couldn't really tolerate gym or sports since they all kind of make me uncomfortable, that feeling of insecurity and not being good enough between men comes back. Best I can do is to look and "act" grumpy and serious most of the time.
Thanks for sharing.
I have. It is like you said, it made me believe I am not trans, and that I can live fine as a man.
I am sorry. Our mind convinces us of many things which are not true.
My "overcompensation" has led to 50 years of discomfort and denial. Everyone loved the "me" that I invented and presented ... it made me look elsewhere for fulfillment instead of inside to realize I have a screaming female in me dying to express herself.
I am so sorry to hear.
@@DRZPHD Better late than never ... 2022 is my year ... my spouse is being very supportive.
I wonder how much of this overcompensation is imposed by parents and family pressure?
Often, we don't choose our own clothes, hair, and activities. Which is a problem in and of itself.
Very true.
I think I over-compensated as a kid and in college. As a kid, it was because my parents had two miscarriages between my 2 older brothers and me trying to get their little girl. So even though I felt more like one of the boys, when I was told I was special because I was the only girl, I wanted to lean into that. I started complaining that there weren't enough girls in fantasy adventure stories or video games because I wanted to see myself in the media I loved, but the truth is, I already identified with the male characters I had been playing. I only wanted to play as a girl because I thought I was supposed to. I think I then carried on that over compensation in high school and college at times because I wanted to be attractive to guys. I thought that I needed a man, and I wanted to attract one. So even though I hated my chest, I sometimes wore clothes that accentuated them because I thought it would make me attractive. And sometimes it did make me feel like I was attractive to others and would make me feel confident and good, but I didn't really feel like me. I've always been a "tomboy" to my core. It wasn't until I entered a longterm relationship with a long-time friend who really knows me and loves me for who I am that I started to realize that when I dressed more feminine I didn't feel like me, and I didn't have to do it anymore because I already have a partner. I've been identifying as nonbinary for almost a year but have kept questioning if I might be a man because I have very vivid childhood memories of wanting to be a man and grow facial hair and everything. I'm still not sure if I still want those things -- part of me definitely does, but part of me isn't sure -- or if I'm more comfortable sticking with nonbinary. Right now, I'm mostly focusing on top surgery because I know for a fact that my chest has ruined my life for over half my life even if I'm not a trans man, and I would be 100% happier and healthier without my chest curses. I haven’t felt comfortable in my own body since puberty because of my chest curses, and I'm almost 31 now. I'm not sure how much of it is because of my sensory issues with how they feel and how bras/binders feel and how much is the mental discomfort of the genderedness of having them, but it doesn't really matter as far as top surgery goes because there's no doubt in my mind that having a masculine chest would make me so much more comfortable in my body, regardless of the reason. But I live in Oklahoma, so... might have some trouble getting top surgery.
Thanks for sharing and I wish you all the best.
Hi, Dr Z! This is a great video that illustrates an aspect of my pre-transition self too. Prior to transition, I also over-compensated. It was always so awkward. My question extends from this to the other side. Have you found a correlary over-compensation with some post-transition women to go to extremes in femininity?
Hi and thanks for posting such a great question. Yes I would say I see that correlation for sure. Hmmm interesting to make a video on this too. Thanks.
@@DRZPHD thank you, Dr Z! I will be sure to watch it!
I'm 31. Been overcompensating since childhood. I didn't want to be mocked for acting how I felt inside so I did what the boys did. I was terrible at sports so I gave up. I've always been a bit of a loner so I never had the chance to talk about myself on a real level. Went through high school and my 20s trying to be the manliest man I could and everyday I hated myself more. I look like a caveman and have the bone structure of one, too. I spent countless hours fantasizing of reincarnation as a female. I always thought someone like me was too big of a loser or too tall or too wide framed to consider transition. Still struggling with that. Told my wife and yah things are not going well on that front. She says I hurt her really bad by not being upfront in the first place but I didn't even have a word for this feeling until I was 30.
Thank you for sharing and I am so sorry to hear about your struggles.
lol I joined the infantry, went to the gym, tried to get into sports, listened to angry fast metal music, hung out with the bros at bars on the weekend, tried to make my voice deeper, just trying to push it all away as far down as I could. I'm glad I stopped and decided to transition. Now I feel like I have a life, and I'm more relaxed and happy (except when I feel the "m*n in a dress" feeling).
Wow that's quite compensation. Sorry you had to go through it.
What about over compensating with a beard? One of the reasons I paused my transition is because I would look at old pictures and like how I looked with a beard. The main dysphoria I feel is bottom dysphoria so it's never really been about my facial hair... Just my genitals and chest really.
Yes, many compensate with facial hair as well.
Any knowledge on mtf srs in thailand? I'm looking to fly overseas for my surgery
Hi. I have listed a few great surgeons in Thailand on my website resource page so take a look. www.drzphd.com