7 Clear Signs a Dismissive Avoidant Likes You | Relationship Insights
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In this video, Thais Gibson unveils 7 signs a dismissive avoidant is interested in you. Watch now to find out if any of these 7 signs apply to you as Thais offers up some useful insight and tips. To learn more, explore the empowering course, "Advanced Dismissive Avoidant Attachment Style Course," for powerful tools you can begin using immediately.
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00:00:00 - Intro
00:00:30 - Sign #1: Consistency
00:02:54 - Sign #2: Clear Communication Of Needs
00:04:09 - Sign #3: Needs Are Communicated In The Positive
00:05:07 - Sign #4: They Will Text You Back
00:06:03 - Sign #5: Open Up In Smaller Ways
00:06:39 - Sign #6: They Will Let You Know They Need Space
00:07:59 - 7-Day Free Trial: Dismissive Avoidant In the Six Stages of A Relationship
00:08:48 - Sign #7: They Will Bring You Around Friends
00:09:33 - Conclusion
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DAs! Does this video resonate with you!? What would you add to the list?
Spot on about responding to texts
When a DA takes ownership instead of flaw finding, they are definitely showing their version of vulnerability. I never got an "I'm sorry", but as an FA, I understood that he could not handle any perceived short comings. Eventually short emotional bandwidth, me also deactivating, and low reinforcement for my effort ran its course. We are amicable ex- never weres and probably would have been better as friends.
this video was accurate!
@@journeytojoy3443😊
DAs can grow too; though, they have to be aware of their attachment issues and work on themselves. I’m a DA that didn’t understand my patterns. I spent 5 years doing therapy (emdr, cbt, etc.) without realizing or being told by my therapist about attachment theory. I have been working on my attachment for about a year. I’m recognizing my patterns and healing. I have a high EQ partner and she understands to check in with me and to give me space when I’m feeling overwhelmed. I’ve recognized that there is hope for me. People can change; and I find the comments related to DAs pretty narrow, critical, and difficult to read; though, i suppose you’ve all been hurt and feel justified (even if you’re not practicing the skill of not being critical with a DA); plus I’m sure you all methodically analyzed your relationship with the DA well enough to know it was entirely the DAs fault.
Being with a DA is like constantly idling your engine, waiting to start the voyage. Only to find out that your tank will be empty by the time they want to start.
wow, yeh this was my experience
I like this analogy. I wish someone explained it to me 8 YEARS AGO!!
I think I've tortured myself enough having hope that we will be able to come together and communicate, heal and grow together to become this amazing strong loving power couple like you and your man. Unfortunately he only wants to have superficial situationships with girls that don't see what's coming.
I'm gonna fill up my own tank with premium self respect & enjoy what's left of my prime heart. Embracing this solo road trip of self love + unconditional grace and all my favorite treats to treasure the amazing unconditional loving woman these difficult and hard lessons taught me.
Hallelujah 😢
Exactly. My tank was empty when he finally wanted to pursue. Sad. I liked him.
just like yesterday as I am excited to talk to them but when I was with them its just gone I'm tired
It's the fact that you need to watch a youtube video to figure out if they like you
😂 right? It's because their actions and words are full of cognitive dissonance..
Lmao word
😢
😢
It's a push and pull dynamic, hot and cold, you can never get comfortable around them, if you want a healthy relationship, don't get involved with them.
PRECISELY ‼️😑
I'm anxious dating an avoidant, do you think it's worth it?
@@serene1486, No. I'm currently married to one for the last 12 years. If you like being avoided by an avoidant and your wants being dismissed then continue on with a Dismissive Avoidant. My DA wife was awesome the first 2 years together, then okay for the next 4, and has been a full blown avoidant since.
@@serene1486I am a healing AP. Better focus on yourself. Get secure, and then you will see. I have been with a DA gf. for 7 yrs. Now in No Contact. Focus on yourself otherwise it will be a torture for you. They will pull all your triggers…
try your last shot tell them about attachment styles and ask them to find out their attachment style (dont tell them that they are avoidant let them find out themselves) then see if they are interested they might look like at beginning when you explaining ! then ask them to watch videos of this channel at least DA playlist. if they come up with excuses that they had things to do bluh bluh.... by time period of one month or they did watch but you see no change then let them go @@serene1486
Save yourself the heartache. Become secure so you can attract and find a secure partner. This is from someone who went from very insecure to secure. Get out of the insecure dating pool, you will be glad you did.
That sounds good, but you don't become secure without having practice from being in relationships.
@Heyu7her3 That is inaccurate, Thais whose video you are watching was single for 4 years while doing her healing work. Also a romantic relationship is not the only route to healing attachment, you also do it with family, friends and coworkers. I didn't say you had to be 100% secure, but you do need to be more secure to find another secure partner. Also whatever is left over to workout can be done with a secure partner and actually do it with a safe person.
EXACTLY THE ADVICE I GIVE TO PEOPLE ‼️ Become secure so you won’t even be attracted to these types.💯
@cappygurl8599 correct! Use all of your relationships to become more secure; not just romantic relationships.
@@cappygurl but how does One become securely attached, when One has had 2 grossly inadequate parents? and if You as an insecure find a secure Partner, does that not cause that Partner suffering because of your own inadequacies? regards.
The journey with the DA ex ended a few years ago. I’m still on this journey to undo what he did to me. I’m so damaged.
Ditto
I tell myself I need to give up on him (DA) but I can’t. I know he’s a lot of work but I’m sooooo attached and I hate it.
Never let someone play with your mind. Take your control back and be you again. I know for certain I am. My ex wasted 5 yrs of my life. I'm back to myself again. What they do is on the border of Narcissistic
@@michaeldulsky8492I’m pretty sure that the DA I know is a malignant narc.
I feel you! Avoid, avoid, avoid the avoidant.
Their input in relationship with you feels like nasal drops and that is spread over long period of time… Virtually it is a torture being with them…
Regardless of what the explanation is, you can be considerate without having to partner with someone. It’s not your job to fix anyone’s attachment style and if you’re not being loved the way you need to, staying with someone who doesn’t have the capacity deprives you of meeting someone who actually does. Don’t explain your feelings away. If it hurts and affects your self esteem then leave it.
I admire Thais spinning dismissive avoidants in such a positive light, where they actually communicate. I really want to believe this fantasy, but I wouldn't want to waste much time on a dismissive avoidant.
Guess my DA has never been interested :/. He says he loves me but doesn't text, isn't consistent and doesn't care about my needs when I am clear and direct. Tired from this better without.
It gets worse. Then when you get along good all is fine. They will sabatoge it. Walk if can or run. I had to walk away. Went thru what you said. He wouldn't reciprocate when I had a serious clear talk.
I'm a DA. I haven't done any special work on myself and I can NEVER talk about my feelings with my husband but I rarely ever ignore or neglect responding to a text from him. This guy is showing you less than the minimum effort. I'd run.
This is what I noticed too, the better things are the worse his sabotaging became, I had anxiety through the roof by the time I was finally able to walk away
Texting back is something that almost seems impossible. I hate that. I stopped texting
It is so sad that one's self-esteem has to be so severely damaged to the point of getting attracted by crumbs of attention...like-if the person texts you back at all !
I think you missed the entire point of the video. Please re-watch, and pay special attention to the misconceptions Thais highlights. You need to re-watch the entire thing.
@@florencecattedrale2083 I don't need to re-watch the entire thing,the video is great,and I got it's point;that was my opinion on people's self-esteem getting attracted by DA's.
@@careitina1412being involved with a DA does not necessarily imply lacking self esteem or being bread crumbed unless the person involved has specific expectations from the DA.
Another way of looking at it is loving a person for their exceptional value, what they are, and not for what they can offer us.
This is perhaps the true definition of love, not for what we receive but what you can offer.
This of course does not make the DA a suitable life partner, but we can love and admire a garden without pulling out the flowers.
@@careitina1412 You do. You seemed to suggest DAs would breadcrumb and also not text back at all, having the stereotypical bigoted understanding of DAs and/or reinforcing this stereotypical understanding of them. Thais specifically outlined indicators that a DA is interested in someone, and proves not all DAs are the same. People in the attachment community like scapegoating DAs as a cruel heartless group, instead of not generalising their differences within this group, and instead of understanding that they're not all the same.
Seems like it bothered you personally that I ( unknown to you person) think that DA's positive signes of liking you feels like breadcrumbing.If it doesn't feel to you as breadcrumbing,good luck with them) Also,I didn't say THEY are cruel.That is what you came up with.I said you must have really a tone of patience and poore self esteem to be ok with a text respons within 24 hours.
It doesn't matter if she likes me or not. This kind of relationship is not good for my mental health. So I have to leave her even if I like her. It's just not possible for me...
And for some people like an FA like me these things will still not be enough
I been watching information about DAs for about a month (off and on) cuz I’m knowledge driven rather than soaking in my emotions. From my experience with one, and listening to numerous videos- dealing with a DA is like settling and their behavior will not work EVER with a woman who knows her worth and value. That’s probably why the DA and I ended after a month. A nice connection at first, but soon as I see any signs that I’m no longer a priority to you- im gone! If I treat myself as a priority, why be in a relationship that tries to treat me less than I treat MYSELF 🤔🤔.. #standards
This happened to me too, we only dated 3 months and I was becoming anxiety ridden, I had to get myself out of that situation
I am a DA, maybe not on the extreme end but I am married to a secure attached and have learned a lot from him. I've actually dated more extreme DA in the past and that was not easy, but I think I managed it because I have the same traits. I can't speak for everybody, but I go through the world alone and I don't believe anyone should help me. Asking for help doesn't even cross my mind most of the time. I find being vulnerable very difficult and worry about people's judgement when I open up. I'm slowly learning how to go about it. It takes a lot of work, recognition and self reflection to change these habits learned from childhood. I know people are really rough on DAs (trust me, I know it can be a nightmare to date one) but some of us at least..when we find someone who loves us and teaches us what real love is, I am sure we can return that love in the way we know how and work on ourselves.
Did you do the push pull with your secure and how did they handle it I walked away after they said they didn't want a relationship for the 3rd time even though I never asked for one in the 6 months we talked because I knew they felt insecure so I wanted to make sure I didn't move fast I felt no need to chase although I knew why they left could've been talked out they did the whole you deserve better thing and wanted to be friends I didn't want friendship because I knew we'd end up back here again but he's a sweetie just don't understand how other secures do it
@@amari2aj553 I don't really do the push pull thing..but I think that's more of a fearful avoidant trait. I would say the thing my secure husband had to deal with was my massive need for space and alone time, plus the fact that I used to be a terrible communicator/bad with conflict because I didn't know how I felt, I'd be like "everythings fine" but I wouldn't confide in him. However, I think there is a lot more at play with individuals, not just attachment style.. some people are more empathetic, some people can see that something is wrong and they want to change, not everyone wants to change or thinks they need to change. I have kids now, and I have so much love to give, I have far less need for alone time, I love sharing my time with my hubby and kids, I can open up more easily. It takes a lot of time to get better. I had a terrible relationship before, with a fearful avoidant leaning DA, and I can relate to how it feels. The push pull thing was frustrating and for me it wasn't worth it. Avoidants don't really work well together anyway, because the relationship always remains surface level unless one person becomes vulnerable..which avoidants don't.
Great video. Made me realise that my DA ticked all these boxes. 6 weeks ago I asked him if there was anything between us after 15 months and he couldn’t answer me. So I had no choice than to walk away. I’m so sad about it, but know I can’t guess forever. This video made a lot of sense. Thank you
Mine was ticked the box in the first 1.2 years during long distance. Was horrible when we are short-distanced. on-and-off goes one for almost two years. When he says he like me still want to do stuff with me but has no intention to commit. I have no choice to walk way also.🙃
Same here. Check on all boxes. But I just felt exhausted and drained just to accommodate him. Finally I had to let him go.
We deserve better.
Hope you have healed and recovere
I had no idea people like this existed!
They sure look like people, at least. 😢
@@pysq8 They wear a mask . They also know what their issue is, but it’s difficult for them to change. My guy told me it’s not you ; it’s me. At least he admitted it.
Stay the fuck away from them
This was helpful but It would be even more helpful to also know the timeframe around these things, eg when will they start to open up about family, when will they begin to introduce you to the people in their life, etc. what will they do in dating phase vs relationship phase?
It was about 3-4 months before they began sharing anything about their family. We dated around 4 months and they never introduced me to the people in their life. It was super exhausting, yet they’d become exasperated with me when I’d tell them they didn’t have feelings for me - that I’ve had men be really into me and this was not what it looks like. Idk if it’s healthy for me to date a DA again. As an FA whose primary love language is quality time, It all wore me out. Just speaking once a day for 15-30 min/one text a day, just seeing each other once a week/every other week. I always felt like I had to stretch myself by 80% to meet them at 20% effort.
I had a friend who fits the DA description pretty well. Even just as a friend it took about 2 and a half years for him to introduce me to his sister (who lives closer to me than he does). I actually met her first before meeting him. I finally met him a year later (after knowing each other for 3 years) and he was very quiet and almost acted like he was afraid of me. I ended up chatting with his sister and friend more than him. I tend to like more lowkey friendships and relationships anyway, so I was always fine with him having his space, but even as a friend it took a LONG time. He's opened up about the endless struggles he's had with finding a partner after his divorce 7 years ago, can't get a relationship to last more than a few months and if he is truly a DA or anxious avoidant, I can see why he's been having problems.
They cant understand our needs, but they can understand other womens/mens need! Ive tried to express my needs- he said I was clingy. I explained that I dont feel safe when he saves memes about his ex. He said- I was jealous. I said I need a better communication. He said: Men are not good communicaters. I asked him to help me get a clousure. He said: I cant help you.
I told him I need to have intimacy with him, not only him. He didnt say anything. And never changed. They are tragic people! I do understand where it stems from, but it doesnt matter.
A dismissive avoidant has just started to share personal stories with me about his childhood (unprompted). Things like his favourite book growing up, information about his relatives: what they were like, the jobs they did, where they grew up, traits etc. He’s also started to share information about the present as well - including sharing his plans for the weekend, and talking about his siblings and parents which would’ve never happened a few months ago.
We work together and he frequently brings me food, sweets or drinks (I do the same) and has started to “break some of his own rules”.
He starts conversations with me throughout the day, has the most incredibly intense eye contact, always looks to me first if he makes a joke or something funny happens, will always be the first to offer his help if I need anything, and spends money on things that we both use. He’s also told me that he trusts me which just melted my heart.
He’s aware that I have feelings. Does it seem like he may have too, or am I overthinking it?
Unless if he’s really working on themselves, it’s not worth.
He seems to have at least the stirrings of feelings… ask him and let him know you’re interested in him!
Let him make the moves most of the time. Sounds pretty promising to me. I, too, have a d a friend who I care for very much. Be patient.
He has a soft spot for you. This is what I've learned, they might not want to do anything with that let alone have feelings for you. I think where you at you need clarity before it becomes bigger than it should be. Althow they are infamous for wanting things to be vague so they don't have to commit to anything. If they truely have feelings they can chase you actually romantically. But yea I wish I hadn't put somuch depth in his signals and understood that fliring doesn't equal feelings and just accepted that he wasn't ready for a relationship. Try to do what secure attached people do, maybe give him a hint first and than have a vulnerbale conversation with no expectations but maybe express your hope?
For sure if you pursue this guy, learn abt attachment theory ( wish I had) . Pretty sure she said a DA yokes with a secure best. I am a Fearful Avoidant and had no idea this stuff existed, was mistaking him for a Narcissist, which he does have some narcissistic tendencies but is a DA for sure.
Thank you so much. This clarifies a lot of things about my beloved dismissive avoidants needs.
❤
This video is spot on and it brings me smile while I remember these actions mentioned from my DA. I am an FA leaning anxious. Watching Thais video helps me become secure and to establish healthy boundaries with my DA. I've struggled a lot before I started watching her videos and was very anxious (especially after some alcohol intoxication) with my partner not being very loving just like in the movies and what society teaches about love. I learned that you can work out your relationship and work on your own healing at the same time. Thanks, Thais! 💪🏼🙂
So tiring living in their dysfunction. He's finally worn me out. I'm done. I'm gone. Buh-bye. I feel relieved.
I got dumped the day after I met the parents.. oops!
I've been dumped on his birthday, randomly out of the blue, and then he always comes back. I have learned to hold the line so he can't come back.
Maybe the parents wanted to dismiss you as well 😂
Then it was all for the better!
Relationship with a DA I had no prior knowledge of attachment styles until they disappeared. If anything I learned from it, was to be more direct in the future. I was always very open and accepting, but also ambiguous. It still consumes my thoughts all of my hours now for a couple years. Its like I couldn’t be straight with them about anything because I was always responding to my intuition about unspoken cues in their body language, texts, and actions. Its as if I felt in my body the implications of expressing my feelings towards them with too much intensity would have them running. I didn’t want to push them away, and I didn’t want to live in a fantasy. I never said “I love you,” but I “loved” them for years. I ended up pushing them away anyways because I could only hold my repressed discontent and frustration for so long until I spilled my beans
This is very similar to how I felt with my DA. I wanted to be open, honest, and direct which I was initially but then became ambiguous with my responses.
One time my DA actually asked me to be truly transparent. We were separated at the time but still dealing with each other. One night we went out together and she genuinely asked me how I felt about her talking to other people. I told her it was pointless to tell her because she was still going to do whatever she wanted. She said no she wanted to know so we could be on the same page and she wanted to hear me out.
I trusted her and felt safe in that moment and told her it didn’t make sense to me that she was flirting with other people and trying to get their number when she was out with me and I preferred that she didn’t and just enjoy the night out with me (mind you she was also staying at my place while visiting and hooking up with me).
She said thanks for sharing but I’m still going to do what I want to do because I’m single. It had me so enraged because why even ask my thoughts and feelings.
Then she proceeded to flirt with the bouncer and he was unattractive and gave him her number. I told her it just shows she lacks self respect because any typical woman that I hand out with would have just smiled and kept walking but she entertained an unattractive man for over 10mins.
Now I think back on these things and just wish I would have ended things sooner, the situation was so unhealthy and I endured it.
Ugh. I feel both of your situations so much. It was only four months together and I finally called him out on how he made me feel and he decided to end things because he "shouldn't be dating cause his life was chaotic and he wasn't making a great partner and I'm amazing and it's not me, it's him"! I am fixated on what I could have done differently, and it can consume me sometimes. I hate it.
This was very helpful in understanding the ways the DA I know was showing me she wasn't interested in me. Thank you.
You're the best! Could you pls do a video on chronic illness? Dealing with grief, uncertainty, mental & physical limitations, identity loss, isolation, burnout, etc. I'm sure many are experiencing this since covid also. Thanks for everything 🥰
Loved the video! It was very accurate as always!
Well... this was certainly timely. Thanks as always Thais.
You're welcome ❤
Thank you for this video !
I can attest to this video as a DA. These are in fact things I do when first getting to know someone. However, I do these things to make sure the woman I'm interested in reciprocates that interest. There's no use in "letting it all hang out" if she isn't interested in me. 🤷🏿♂️ Great breakdown!
I used to be a fearful avoidant, and I can attest to the fact that in the end I would freak out and leave anyway. Would a DA do that too? Or would they hang in there, but just remain a bit distant?
@@amandajane7760 it depends on how far in the scale the DA falls. Contrary to popular belief, most people are a mix of at least two attachment styles, it's just that one tends dominate the other. For example I'm a DA, but most of the behaviors described in this page don't apply to me as I don't run from my emotions and I always speak my mind. I do however CONTROL my emotions and am slower to open up because I want to make sure that person not just going to be there for a season (especially in romantic relationships). So to answer your question in a single phrase, "it depends!" 😆
@@sifublack192 that's interesting. Thanks. And yes, I guess none of us are that black and white. And of courseif we're not healed ourselves, we'll often be attracting other unhealthy people. So how much behaviour is "avoidant" and how much is an accurate response the person in front of us and just spotting their red flags 🤷♀️
@@amandajane7760 precisely, we learn through experience! For example, despite being a DA, I can be TOO lenient when setting boundaries (to my detriment of course). My ex was an alcoholic/prescription drug addict who was also a misandrist. Despite this, I tried to make things work for eight months. It wasn't until after the break-up that I realized the same toxic behavior she was exhibiting was EXACTLY the same toxic behavior my mother and sister exhibited when I was growing. I had just learned to tune it out because I was stuck living with them growing up. 🤷🏿♂️ Now I know the 🚩🚩🚩 and run as fast as I can in the opposite direction when I see them! 🏃🏿
@@sifublack192 oh boy, that must have been fun 🤦♀️ I guess you wished your DA had kicked in a bit more.. would have saved you a lot of grief! But I suppose we attract the toxicity we know until we learn better. And maybe that's what healing is all about
The 7 Signs ✅
1. They are consistent in pursuing you
2. They make an effort once the needs are clearly communicated
3. Needs are communicated in the positive
4. They will text you back
5. Open up in smaller way
6. They will let you know when they need space
7. They will bring you around their friends
What if they do not do 6 and 7
well… one might ask how 1. can happen if dismissive avoidance is practised consistently, as eg cptsd-wise, no advance on followed-through trust is granted. but maybe that‘s an intj-like take, relatedly. of course then, not much from 2. on downwards will be happening | registered either. but the list does sound plausible otherwise, conceptually.
You put out such great content! Easy to understand and very relatable. I’m 58 years old and have been married three times without having insight into the patterns you describe. I’m watching your videos carefully and trying to use the knowledge to make me a better partner in my current relationship. Thank you 🙏 ❤!
I think I’m done with this channel. It’s great and she’s certainly helping a lot of people, but I’ve wasted some good years trying to date and help DA’s heal and it’s honestly the worst thing emotionally I can imagine for anyone. It’s this sick cycle of opening up and forgiving and then getting rejected and hurt. Over and over again. Weeks, months, years, until you’re so scarred and jaded and numb that you truly don’t care anymore and it’s almost impossible to discern and seek secure attachment.
😢
Pretty sure it's not about getting y'all to try and fix us. No one not even da's will get better unless they want to.
I think the danger of watching these videos with an insecure attachment is that one can easily avoid one's own avoidance. It is tempting to focus on fixing someone else and making them the obstacle on the way to happiness when really one wouldn't be attracted to someone emotionally unavailable if one was emotionally available.
Serious cognitive bias can kick in with this channel--first that the problem lies almost completely with them and not ourselves, and also that the DAs used as examples are the 1% (or less) seeking help.
Are you sure you want to dismiss this channel? And avoid it completely? 🤣
The thing is that you tried to heal a DA while dating them. That just doesn't work. Every DA that wants to solve their issues needs a really good friend that they can rely on, who will consistently show up, keeps promises and rewire their brain when they see there's another way. The reason why you need to be a friend, is that when they push you away, you need to be able to instantly give them space and not have any of your own needs needing to be met. The DA will come back to you when they see they shot themselves in the foot. But that is not a healthy romantic relationship mechanic.
I don’t know if he’s a DA but he’s an ISTJ in the Myers-Briggs personality test. They withhold affection. He started telling me how to fix up my house and I instantly said “Back off!’ And he did. It seemed to help him to trust me and respect me.
They just need to be self aware. I was a DA until my girl left me. Huge wake up call.
Thank you Thais. My DA friend does all of these, which makes me feel like he’s not deliberately selfish.
Thank you 🙏 ❤
Thank you so much.
You're welcome! ❤
Here I am again trying to make my relationship work but at least this time he wants it to work.
Pro tip: If a DA Likes you... LEAVE.
The 7 signs in the video:
1. Consistency: they will operate in fear versus interest. The pivotal part is that fear appears when they find they are getting attached at some level, not at the start. Shame, rejection, etc. they do not come in line, but when they start feel vulnerable.
2. They make an effort when needs are communicated directly: they will put the work when they are interested and you communicate needs correctly. Because of this, when not communicated directly, they can understand you do not have them.
3. They make an effort when needs are communicated in the positive: “you never do the dishes” versus “I could use your help”. If interested, they will show up when in the positive.
4. Texting back: not as quickly as other attachment styles. DA will take longer to respond but at a slow pace: 24h at most…
5. They will open up but in smaller ways: “I enjoy spending time with you” but not “I miss you”. They are less vulnerable than other attachment styles
6. They will let you know that they need space: that is what they expect. But they will want you to understand that if interested in you. If not, not interested.
7. They will bring you around their friends: not immediately, not a lot of them, but they will. Slowly but surely.
The only one of these I (FA) don’t see in my friend/hopefully-romantic-partner is the texting back. He will talk to me (online; LD) about the most intimate things for hours - sometimes literally 10 hours straight - but definitely texts less than in the beginning when there was less attachment. He says he just doesn’t like to text. 🤷♀️
Edit: I take that back. He told me early on that sometimes he would be away for a few days, but he doesn’t yet tell me each time that’s about to happen. 😞
Edit #2, 4 weeks later: He’s coming along and definitely texting more! He’s also starting to make comments that are opening up to what his base fears are. I let the comments be and continue to not push. 🤷♀️
In my experience, I don’t think it’s quite as cookie-cutter as this video states. I am a former DA who is in a relationship with a female DA. She has opened up to me on multiple occasions in ways that are extremely vulnerable, and yet is not good at all at returning texts. She has wanted me to talk to her father which I did . Yet the consistent communication piece is the piece that’s the hardest. She wanted to buy a house with me and yet has a hard time returning texts, so I would just encourage people that it might not be exactly is cookie cutter at some of these videos portray. With no disrespect meant to the great work by Thais.
I also believe they can get scared off right away, and not just when "attachment has formed."
It's nice that the DA's like however it's nicer that I have self love n respect
I “dated” a dismissive avoidant for three years all the while they insisted that we weren’t a thing. So I went off and eventually found someone else to date. I naively thought the DA would be happy for me. Instead, they threw a tantrum and called me a shit friend. It doesn’t matter if they like you or show they like you; it is always on their terms. They want you close but not too close for their comfort. We deserve better than that.
Recently learned I'm a DA. Now I understand some of the dumb things I've done to blow things up right when it was getting good.
4 1/2 years with a Dismissive Avoidant man.
Yes, this is him.
Has anyone else out there been in a LTR with a DA?
My experience has been pretty good with him.
Not always easy, especially the longer you are together.
This video is more about the beginning of a relationship with a DA.
What's a LTR with a DA like? Is it always like they have one foot out? Or do they just like to maintain their space?
@@amandajane7760 I'd say a little of both.
That is actually making me if I'm a dismissive avoidant... I listened to the book and i was the anxious, but this sounds like me
I was in a situationship with a DA and it is long distance, on different continents. It's funny because he shows these signs to me but I'm pretty sure he also shows these signs to 2 or 3 other girls he is communicating with. Lol. No hard proof yet but I just know.
You can’t communicate with a DA! I’m trying to let go now and it’s hard but I’ll get there
My DA has grown his affection over time, leaving me less afraid he'll bolt. He cooks dinner every bught, Still, the affection and follow-thru is far less than the average guy.
Why are they so mean? Do they enjoy upsetting someone? Why do they believe nothing lasts forever?
Imagine this DA I know...
Mom's first marriage did not work out, and his biological father abandoned him and his older brother has not been part of the family for decades.
Mom soon has a new relationship, DA still being 2 years old, with what sounds to me like an alcoholic narcissist. He verbally, emotionally, physically and sexually terrorizes his family. DA is a silent victim of CSA for YEARS. DA is beaten and ridiculed regularly.
When that relationship blows up, mom and him move to another country, leaving another two younger brothers behind.
Mom decides to take DA to court hearings, as she is studying to be a lawyer, to make him listen in on divorce settlements and the problems of choosing the wrong person.
Could you imagine that someone with such experiences does not believe something good can ever last? That it is painful and terifying to be close?
Wow this is heartbreaking. My ex never told me about his life growing up and it seems he and mom are close. He did mentioned his oldest brothers leaving him behind at a young age but never went beyond with more detail. I always thought it was something deeper but didn’t dare ask knowing he wouldn’t tell it. In the end he just blamed me for it ending which I asked that we seek therapy for communication. He said he didn’t want to fix it, so I moved out without a word.
I know I'm mean but it doesn't actually feel that way to me. I only know it because I've been told by so many people through my life. To me it feels like I'm just being honest and giving you the respect of not sugar coating (lying) about things. I also think my meanness comes from the fact I treat and view myself terribly so I'm just behaving the same to everyone else as I do to myself. I think relationships can last forever but idk how many are actually happy and fulfilled.
Thanks for this information. This is interesting to me. I think my ex thought the same way, but he also had this way of speaking as if he is scolding you. Such a disappointing tone as if you are all wrong and he is correcting you to be better. I appreciate your honest and insight from your end.
Listening to this video was like looking in the mirror. I think I'm the definition of a DA. Damn it.
It’s a great thing you have discovered this. Now you know what you need to work on. That is a gift.
I have a problem with this one, this is a guide for getting in trouble. As a healing fearful avoidant I find this one almost provocative. It doesn't matter how clear you communicate with a DA you'll always get run over. And no it's not your responsibility to tell them when they behave like shit, they KNOW when they are crossing the line and it's their responsibility to to correct their behavior. And it's not mind reading it's called human decency and it doesn't matter how much you go out of your way to communicate in a positive manner they will only lash out at you and and the more you put yourself in that position the more broken down you'll be. It's just gonna end with you losing your sanity trying to communicate with someone that has splitt from teir shadow-self.
Sounds like you believe all DAs are the same? This was your experience; and perhaps with someone that wasn’t working on themselves or self aware. I’m a DA with a fairly high EQ that communicates and is kind to my securely attached girlfriend when my issues arise. People are not static; though some are thoroughly unaware. I’m sorry for your experience with your ex. Good luck.
Thanks for the video! When starting a new relationship would it be good to communicate your attachment style and that your working on becoming secure?
I think so. It is easier to communicate more honest if it is known from the beginning.
The DA I dated thought they were secure - Me communicating my attachment style didn’t help or hurt really. It did little to change the way they operated since they were convinced they were securely attached
oh damn... i thought this guy i was dating was dismissive avoidant but i think he was just playing games with me.
According to this my DA situation of 2 years he cares about me and likes me a lot but sometimes has been very unhappy in the dynamic
Who need this sitt ???
I wish I had this video 2 months ago when it actually came out 😭 3 months of confusion and disappointment 😂
Simple rules for my felow brothers, you don't date DA. It is a painfull process to love one and save yourself from the pain. Let them living their life by themselves, move on.
What about disorganised attachment styles
Each avoidant should be advertised as a rubics cube
Being with a DA is an exteme waste of time, D.A. Don't Associate
I asked my DA friend about this woman he had "quickly" mentioned to me three times over the course of our conversations. I wanted clarification to know if hecwas seeing her. I gave known the DA for a year and he refuses to define our relationship. So I asked him?about the woman he mentioned and he has gone silent. I then sent him an email asking if he wanted to still be friends--- he's still has not responded. I'm not sure what he wants.
I dont want to generalize and say all DA's are bad people, but they generally are.
That was great advice!
When will you be posting about dating a sociopathic disassociated schizophrenic? I've been dating an SDS for a few months now and want to learn how I can better take responsibility for all the chaos that their mental illness produces in our relationship.
;)
Hmm. Sounds like sarcasm. You don't like this content?
Everything s 10x harder. So exhausting
I am very insecure and anxious. I could never have a Partner. on the 1 hand, I would feel massively insecure if my Partner was around other People of the opposite sex because I would be scared that my Partner would find SomeOne better and ditch Me, although I would most likely not voice it, just suffer in silence like I do regarding vast majority of interpersonal aspects, on the other hand I wouldn't like if my Partner had something against Me hanging out with my People of whatever sex/gender, and if that was the case it would make Me VERY ANXIOUS, but I wouldn't want to discontinue seeing my People because doing something against Myself in order to please and appease Somebody Else would make Me VERY UNHAPPY, so it would be a hellish dilemma-either be constantly anxious or be incredibly unhappy due to doing what Partner wants Me to and not what I want, so it's better to stay single-no "headache". regards.
Well, you are here.
Maybe there's something in it for you?
I took the quiz in the description box and found out I am 40% Anxious, 20% Fearful Avoidant, 20% Dismissive Avoidant, and 20% Secure Attachment style.
I'm not in a relationship. It seems I'm only attracted to fearful or dismissive avoidants.
With my "mixture," I don't feel confident about finding a compatible partner, and certainly less so due to my age.
However, as I was formerly what I would guesstimate at 90% Anxious Attachment style, I suppose I've made progress. I've been working on myself for years.
I just discovered attachment styles this year, so I feel I might have made better progress had I learned about them earlier.
I'm seriously considering enrolling in this program she offers.
I wish you and me and everyone here happiness, success in love, and healing.
🙏❤️🙏
@@ohdear2275 I also wish You happiness, progress and success. regards.
Hello I love your videos please can anyone point me in the right direction to find out my own attachments style thankyou so much
They have a test on their website. In my opinion, it is quite good.
Do you definietly need all the signs to be sure that he is interested?
What if they say they are bad at communication?
Well in my case after 7 months of casual dating and not talking consistently he flipped and and we are texting non stop all day. I know that’s strange for a DA. Is it love bombing or he’s filling a void? Shouldn’t it be in a more lineal progression?
@Katie8ginny he may be love bombing as a result of losing something and redirecting that energy towards someone that he already knows is in to him. It's his way of gaining reassurance and restoring his self esteem.
Not that you asked, but I would advise you to play it cool and try not to get too excited and hopeful about this newfound time and energy that he's spending on you.
You may have unknowingly been placed in the "I like having experiences with this person but I don't see a future with this person" category.
Continue to live your life as you've been doing and make sure not to bend or change too many of your plans to accommodate his sudden plans or ideas of a good time together. During your talks, be sure to mention how you want to be treated in a romantic relationship and your ideas of what's healthy for you.
This will give him the opportunity to determine if he deems you too needy just because you've expressed to him that you would expect a return text before 24 hrs or if u say that you like to talk on the phone at least 3 times a week for example.
Then you'll see his true intentions.
He may be just a good time but nothing to get serious about.
@@woodnymph3063it’s very rare for an avoidant to text all day. I’m letting him do that but I’m afraid In a while he will feel suffocated
@@imm0rtalitypassi0nthis is mine too.
@@imm0rtalitypassi0n Jesus...this is exactly what theDA I know does right now to me-push pull due to other handful of women,than he comes back to me as if nothing happened,and I am just trauma bonded to him,and can never stop this...feels so defeating!! Than we have the most wonderful connection again only for him to pause me again right in the middle of it and date another person.
I work on myself every single day! How I wish I would finally be free !!! Just being able to remain good friends with him,but never being drawn back into this madness!
@@careitina1412This! I recently called the person I was seeing out on this. We met a bunch of times in the beginning and then he kept me online for over a year, only coming forward to see me a couple of times. He works in my hometown and lives 25 minutes away from me. I was very clear about not wanting to be a pen pal, but he wouldn’t ever make time for me in person. I was never invited to his home or to hang out in public.
I would get frustrated and remove myself from his social media to go back in a circle. Then I noticed other women were doing the same on and off and back on his socials.
Then I clocked his thing with Only Fans women and realised that there’s either a long term partner or that this man is only capable of living in a fantasy land and keeping relationships at arms length so he never has to risk getting hurt, but instead hurts the women he strings along.
It’s all so sad and I feel hurt and stupid. I’m back in therapy because I want a loving, healthy relationship, and don’t want to end up hard and cold.
I tried to get the FREE course you mentioned (Advakced Dismissive Avoidant Attachment Style Course" - Master the 6 stages of a relationship, overcome fears, and reprogram limiting beliefs to find lasting fulfillment), but it shows up as being over $100!
How do I get the version that you said is free?
With the unlimited pass (it currently costs 67 dollars or so) you can access all courses and check out the ones you want.
I think the 14 days offer is currently over, but if you pay a month and don't like it, you can cancel within 7 days and get a refund.
That course can be easily be watched in a few days.
Well seems like he does not 😂😂
Are there any DAs that can confirm if these signs are correct or add anything else you do when you like someone? Thanks!
I'd say very accurate. Primarily DA this side
As a former DA, I did all of the things. I didn't know about deactivating strategy until I started researching and realized what I used to do.
I am DA, and yes, this is pretty accurate. I need clear communication from people, for one thing. An expectation of mind reading will frustrate me a lot and cause me to lose interest. I text quickly if I am interested and even if I don't want to talk to someone because I do not like being rude. Also, I will have a romantic interest meet family and friends, but that is not really an issue if I like the person. My thing is I just don't respond very emotionally to people, it is more of an intellectual and or physical connection. I need consistency and I am also consistent except if I am no longer interested in the person. If not interested I really don't put any effort into connection and will avoid as much as possible. If in a relationship for a long period of time and it is not something I am terribly committed to or wanting to get out of, I will slow fade out of their life.
@@cachectin23wow that last part sounds too familiar to what i experienced. Ouch. 🤢
@@dangfd551 as a DA yourself? Or from someone who might be DA?
never tell your feelings or needs to a DA. You shouldn't ever have to explain to people how you want to be treated. People should just feel compelled to take care of you and give you what you need without ever having to be told. DAs can't handle any form of human interaction or conversation. They'll think you are a worthless burden on them and hate you for having feelings, because they pride themselves on not having feelings and being robots from the Vulcan planet. They can't handle being told that they are wrong, doing something wrong, or anything that has to do with feelings. They're only capable of pretending to care until they get bored of you, then they ghost you. I'm sick and tired of being ghosted by DAs because I'm a human being and they pride themselves on being Vulcans. You can't tell a DA that they are human and not Vulcan, because they will hate you for telling them that. My longest relationship with a DA was only because I had to pretend that neither of us had feelings or needs. Even then, I still got ghosted even though I gave her what she wanted (a needless, feelingless relationship). Like Jesus Christ! I'm sorry for being a human being who needs human interaction. But apparently, that's a sin and makes me a burden according to all my relationships. I'm sorry I will never be their perfect Vulcan Barbie.
You are 💯 percent right. That is why I left the relationship. Felt the lack & scarcity more & more unequal to my care,showing up and loving nature. They don't give room for anyone else's thoughts feelings or emotions. They suppress theirs, so you have to or else. Good riddance. Shouldn't have to dilute yourself numb to be accepted all while abandoning yourself.
@hibiscushoney3759 exactly! Thank you for sharing! Personally, I don't believe in communicating needs and feelings. I think that all human beings are born knowing what people are thinking, feeling, and needing. We are born knowing exactly how to behave and how to treat people. DAs just choose not to use this ability because they don't care about anyone but themselves. I really don't believe there is actually a difference between narcissists and DAs. And based on most of the comments, most people would agree. We are naturally wired to meet others needs without needing to ever speak about them. Social cues and body language. I agree with everything that Thais is saying except for the communicating needs part. I think communicating needs is complete BS and people should just be more hypervigilant to fending for the people they care about. We all owe it to each other to be the caregivers that our parents weren't. Romantic relationships replace our parent figures. So a romantic partner is supposed to be a secondary parent figure and meet all your needs without needing to be told. This is what ALL humans want in life.
@hadleybranham182 You are on point. Selfish,non accountable, will never see their wrongs or care to right them . If do it's on superficial level with a agenda. The loudest way to love someone is to hear,see and try to understand them.
@@hibiscushoney3759 bingo! Mouths were only invented to be used by those who aren't empathic enough to read social cues. If I have to speak up, it's because no one ever cared enough to figure me out. It's their job to figure me out and parent me. And I'll also be the perfect parent to them as well
It's really fucked up to me to expect people to mindread and parent you without communicating. It seems to me you have vulnerability issues for not being willing to express yourself. This dehumanizing manner of describing other people does not come across like you'd be a safe communicator.
No amount of love is worth the abuse a DA dishes out. There may be some that recognize and work on their problems. Mine recognized and told me that she thinks this might be her. Then never worked on them and proceeded to slowly tear me apart. Selfish creatures.
I just ask
I'm looking for advice on something. I was wondering if this could be a sign that the woman is interested in me. She used to work at the bakery I go to a lot, and we chatted and connected so many times. On her last day, she said my coffee was on her. One day, I ran into her at the bar. We chatted, and I said something about her bravely coming out of her shell better than me (however I worded it) because of her singing karaoke during her first time here. Not long after, when she and her friends were singing again, she gestured me toward them and pointed to the lyrics on the screen. What's funny is I had told her I didn't like being in the spotlight during the said "out of shell" conversation. Not to criticize her action and encouragement! Just saying it's interesting and I'm wondering about her motive, perspective, and if it could've meant something. What do you guys think? We had always gotten along so well at the bakery. There's a swing dance next month. If I run into her by chance, should I ask her to go with me?
That small gesture could literally mean anything and would be impossible to guess.
Is it something a person with NO romantic interest in you would do? Yes, if they are trying to be nice and include/encourage you as a friend.
Is it something a person with romantic interest in you would do? Yes, if they're trying to get your attention.
@@anniiKnActually, there's been an update. I saw her a few nights ago at a different bar. I pretended I didn't see her in the dancing crowd, she noticed me (I think after I accidentally bumped into her), put her hand on my arm to get my attention, and said hi. It was a very brief talk, given the dancing and loudness. So of course, I did not ask for her number or to be my date at the swing dance next month. But it's not just that. She was with a group of friends, and one of them was a guy she talked with. He *could* have been her boyfriend. What would be the signs (aside from kissing, obviously). I'm curious about the connection (or contradiction) between the potential "she-likes-me" signs and the idea of her having a boyfriend. He's the main reason I didn't ask her anything.
@@johnrainsman6650 "I'm curious about the connection (or contradiction) between the potential "she-likes-me" signs and the idea of her having a boyfriend. " - Girls and guys both flirt even when they are in a relationship.
1. She could be flirting and not like you (people play games for attention all the time)
2. She could like you but like her boyfriend more
3. She could just be being friendly and you're reading the little attention she gave to you wrong.
It's all impossible to know.
I would continue to pursue, if I was you, until you find out she has a boyfriend. Just don't be completely certain she has feelings or else you might get hurt.
Number seven was a thing
Could them still be interested in you if they do everything but introducing you to friends?
Yes, it will take a long time.
It’s been years for me and still haven been introduced to friends
@@user-mn3ry6ls6n It can become exhausting and feel empty with the inconsistency. Sometimes it's healthier to move on even when giving up on love. I am currently thinking about moving on from my DA.
So… he doesn’t like me 😢😔
I think he is DA. I thought he was FA.
Just date someone healthy 🤷♀️
Bs
Mine , super cutie pie.....keeps coming back when I go no contact. Wtf!!
Reminds me of toddlers who don't want a toy unless someone else does. 😮
All of this information is irrelevant once you find companionship with a dog. Woof
Okay can you send me a gift card now