I hope the video is at least the teeniest, tiniest bit helpful. I know it’s so hard, particularly when our bodies struggle to tolerate advice. I tried to make this somewhat tolerable! If you don’t know what I’m talking about when I say PDA, these videos might be helpful… This one is about the 10 Traits of PDA: th-cam.com/video/1Uq1n8UQ3hc/w-d-xo.html In this one I watch Paige Layle’s TikToks about being PDA and talk about when I first discovered the profile: th-cam.com/video/8bKavXJa524/w-d-xo.html Here I talk about what PDA actually FEELS like, because so much of the info online is about externalised PDA: th-cam.com/video/bO6Nua9jkBQ/w-d-xo.html And, finally, this one is taking a 50-question-long PDA test with me: th-cam.com/video/XTdx_oSjLBs/w-d-xo.html Thank you so so much for being here. I’m hoping at some point I can start posting more frequently than once per week. I have sooo many video ideas rattling around my little brain!! 💛💛💛
Posting more frequently sounds like a demand 😂 but, if you’re up for it I’m sure we’ll all be here! Keep up the great work, wait, that sounded like a demand as well…so all I can say is I hope you continue to enjoy creating content for us! And have a great week.
I’m audhd and I don’t believe I’m PDA profile, though I’ve not gone through any process to verify. But, watching this, there’s perhaps a bit of an underlying humor to the observation of someone with a PDA profile telling others with a PDA profile to do something. Food for thought.
Your good, it’s done in an honest none judgemental way. Too many therapists bullying type languages your is advice I’d give myself and realistic. Doesn’t mean we will face it. With depression and anger at the moment my desire to cook has gone to ratshit. So had salads snd snacks not to say salads are bad but I had chicken nuggets and Crisps and sausage and chips, days before. Not the healthiest but depression and burnout behind the scenes does what it does
Latin teacher here. “Perfect” comes from the Latin word “perficere” which means “to finish, complete, carry out” NOT “to make flawless.” “Finished” is all we need to go for to attain “perfect,” if we think about the etymology of the word. 😊
Cool. Pretty awesome. Oh wait... language changes it's meaning on how it's used and the only thing that matters is how a word is used and not what the dictionary says. Those of you paying attention will notice "Cool, pretty, and awesome" were all used "wrong" Prescriptivism screws over autistic people more than anything else does when it comes to learning how to communicate with people.
I studied Latin. Note the _perfect_ tense, wherein the adjective is indeed an example of the interpretation then in use. This is found in the roots: _Per_ (through) + _facere_ (to do/make). However, languages change over time. They evolve. (Sometimes they progress; sometimes, arguably, they pejorate.) In this case, we have taken the view that to complete something is indeed to rid it of error as far as possible. (For example, when in the Qur'an Allah tells us, "I have perfected your faith for you," He means that He has completed it. However, He also means that He has removed from it all that falls short of His standard, which is beyond all possibility of reproach.) Classical etymology notwithstanding, that is the sense in which we now understand perfection.
I've got ADHD, and similar to "done is better than good" I often tell myself "Anything worth doing is worth doing half way" to get myself to start a task. I think that's the best piece of advice I've ever heard.
The best piece of advice I ever heard for my neurodivergent brain is "anything worth doing is worth doing poorly." It may not apply for absolutely everything, but vast majority of demands that I face don't warrant the amount of stress and anxiety I give myself. Not to mention, having something done poorly is usually preferable to being paralyzed by perfectionism and never touching the task. If I start a task with the mindset of doing it poorly, I generally still get it done perfectly adequately, but the little act of rebellion makes getting it done far easier and sometimes even a bit fun.
One of my dear friends has the saying "C's get degrees" which hit me really hard since it took me like 13 years to get a college degree (arguably I switched countries and schools and majors a lot), due in part to my perfectionism (I got all A's and just one B when it came to the final degree), and my idea that I had to get a degree in something "hard" rather than something I enjoyed and knew a lot about already. I at least finally gave myself permission to get the degree I wanted, not the one I "should" get... But doing things to max spec is still a very serious vice that I have to put aside every day. And you are right --- that permission to do things adequately has made a world of difference.
I love this! I long ago internalized the "...worth doing well" version of this saying, and that's been a catastrophe lol. Going to replace it with this version starting now.
Yeah this doesn't work for me lol. I figure "Why do the thing at all if it's poor?" Also, that time could be spent doing something else such as napping or staring at my ceiling... which I end up doing.
yes. "anything worth doing is worth doing poorly" is something one of my first therapists said. I really need to remind myself of it more often. It's so easy to get caught up in the black and white thinking and perfectionism without even realizing it.
@Heyu7her3 Not OP, but thats where we differ i guess. I am always trying to learn (because i like learning), and there's paraphrased sayings about "if you aren't willing to be bad at something, you will never be good at it". Don't take this as me saying you are wrong for the way you approach things, but this is my perspective.
The advice "Fake it till you make it" caused the worst burnout in my life. That was about 7 years ago and I haven't gotten better. It was really great advice, until it wasn't.
I had the same thing happen. There must be some way to figure out when it is reasonable to push yourself a bit, and what is too damned much, but if so I have no idea how. I could kind of tell I was pushing too much, but I still cant look back and tell if there was an amount that would have been okay. It sure as hell disabused me of the notion that pushing through the pain makes me more resilient. Stress does permanent damage.
One thing about PDA that I find really strange is that if I'm planning to do something and then someone tells me to do that thing then I won't want to do that thing anymore, because then it's assumed that I did the thing because I was instructed and not because I made the decision to do it myself.
Oh the "lights out struggle". That one is so hard, even though I know the lack of sleep is going to tank me the next day. "Revenge bedtime procrastination" is a Japanese concept of avoiding bedtime to prolong the time leading to the next work day. You are shorting yourself on sleep, trying to rebel against the reality that tomorrow will come, and you may have to go back to your daytime responsibilities. To me, this concept is so PDA 🙂. I do this. As though not going to bed is a rebellion against tomorrow's responsibilities.
god the interview one hit so hard i pretend im streaming and when i get angry at a thing im doing you'll hear me go "ARE YOU SEEING THIS CHAT??? CHAT IS THIS REAL?????" and that scratches the same itch
Oh man... what you said about holidays is exactly how weekends are for me. Every single weekend is just two days straight of stress and anxiety because I know I'm supposed to somehow use that time to catch up on chores and "recharge", but two days isn't enough time to catch up on chores and I don't even know how to recharge, and the clock starts ticking the moment I wake up on Saturday morning, so I spend most of the weekend paralyzed and I'm a total wreck by Sunday night.
When I was down the "am I autistic?" Rabbit hole 3 years ago, I was having issues with the fact that I didn't hit all the points. But then I saw a video of a teen explaining what PDA felt like from inside, and it was so accurate I cried. I do the headphones while cleaning thing, and have been using the "done is better than perfect" quote for about a year now, its quite helpful
I have one tip was not mentioned: instead of telling myself "I have to get up" I instead say "I have to sit here and feel my body" just switching that narrative allows me to chose which option I want to do. Sometimes it feels like a release of pressure and I can enjoy sitting there instead of being angry at myself for not doing something. Other times it will allow me to stand up when previously I was unable to move. I also found this works for book/movie/game recommendations from friends. If they say "I really think you will like it" or "you have to check it out!" I feel so much pressure. I feel this demand to like the thing and my brain catastrophizes what will happen if I don't enjoy it. If they say "I am not sure it is your thing but I really liked it" I am more likely to try it. So sometimes I have my friend jokingly say "it is awful don't try it" after giving a recommendation and that takes the pressure off.
Thinking about your method some more… it’s a bit like code switching, but within. It gives you a choice, more freedom to move or to stay. Anyway, I like it.
“I have to sit here and feel my body” sounds kinda… gross… am I the only one? Can I not just sit here and not try to “feel” anything, because I’m self aware enough as is
A big challenge for me is starting a task because i can't pick a place to start. I tell myself, "I'm starting in the middle," and suddenly my hands start filling papers or potting plants, etc... It's a magical experience!
I have to pause immediately and thank you profusely for a) using “self acceptance” instead of “self compassion,” and b) giving me permission to NOT love myself. I have the same feelings and always have: loving oneself is not objective, and objectivity is important to me. In return, I will share my concept for the week, which is “positivity shaming,” where someone (like self help gurus or some therapists) who is just naturally very positive tries to convince me that I CAN be a font of positive emotions, and it will change my life. They mean well, but since that is not me, and it is not an outlook that grounds me, rather than making me feel “I can do this!” -- it makes me feel like not being "positive enough" means I’m broken. Which is not exactly self acceptance.
@@nailati Someone sent me a TED talk on depression at one point, and in it the speaker described an experiment someone tried, where they had a group of people with clinical depression, and a control group, each play some game without keeping score. At the end, they asked the members of each group how they thought they did. The depressed people assessed their scores fairly accurately. The people in the control group consistently thought they scored better than they actually did. :)
Positivity shaming. I'm stealing that if you don't mind. It's not even deliberate I reckon, just ... inconsiderate / poorly thought through. If I'm feeling crap and there's not really any clear reason for me to feel better, then how is gaslighting myself that I'm great going to help? It just holds up more of a mirror to the actual situation and having the contrast of "how I should/could be feeling if I was a normal person" laid bare against how I am actually feeling as a not-normal person stings so much harder and, yes, brings on the feelings of brokenness, when before I was maybe just generally a bit dysphoric / dysthymic. How shamefully rubbish are you if you can't even bully yourself into being happy? 9_9
I tell those people that being a pessimist actually makes me a happier person than they are. Because no matter what happens, I'm either pleasantly surprised, or I'm right. Whereas their chirpy outlook on life leaves them open to devastation. I still enjoy when things go well, and I'll keep trying if it makes logical sense to do so, I just don't hold any expectations that everything will turn out for the best. Statistically that's only going to happen half of the time anyway.
Your tricks to beat PDA are actually good for everybody that has a tendency to procrastinate. And we all procrastinate at some moments and in some ways.
Your video on PDA made my entire life make sense. I had suspected that I have autism but that video was quite literally like you had stepped into my head to explain everything for me. This video even has made me sigh of relief. I’m allowed to be myself and others understand me. I’ve been stuck for months now and this video really gave me hope. Thank you so much for helping.
Agreed. It's amazing to know that other people struggle with this, and to have a different label to put on it other than "I guess I'm just an asshole" lol
Same here, it's so cool having someone put into words all the stuff you've gone through in life and be like "This?? This right here??? There WAS a reason for why you did it and it doesn't make you completely mad in the head!"
a tiny thing that has helped me sometimes was when i heard "if there's something you need to do but hate doing, do it faster so it's over faster!" which like, can't apply to everything, but when i'm really struggling to shower or brush my teeth or something, i'm like 'oh yeah, i let me speed run this' 😂🤣 especially since 90% of the time (!) the struggle actually lies in STARTING the task, and once it's happening i don't feel the same need to rush to end it hahaha
The worst part of discovering I have this pattern is realizing how much I avoid demands I make of myself. As someone forced into searching for self-employment, it's a nightmare. Thank you so much for this video!
I totally get the "self love" thing feeling inauthentic, but I came across a good description of it by Heidi Priebe recently that made it make a lot more sense to me. Imagine you have a child (maybe you actually do) or a niece/nephew/nibling that you care about. Presumably you love them. You love them when they're cute and adorable and thriving, and you still love them when they're struggling or angry or sad or when they mess up. You love them even though they're flawed, because everyone is flawed. You accept them for who they are. In fact, your love might come out more strongly when they're struggling or feeling bad or feeling ashamed. You probably want to encourage them. You might tell them that life's hard and everyone struggles sometimes and that's ok. You might tell them that it's ok to screw up, that they shouldn't beat themselves up because everything screws up. You might encourage them if they're feeling down. You might do some extra things for them or allow them some extra space if they're feeling overwhelmed. You might tell them that they can come to you if they need to talk or need a shoulder to cry on. Would you do that for a someone your own age? Now ask yourself if you'd do that for yourself. Would you give yourself empathy if you feel down or sad? Would you tell yourself that honest mistakes happen to everyone, and that you should try to make amends where you can, learn from your mistake, and then move on as best you can? Would try to give yourself extra space or get yourself extra support when you're struggling? Would you seek out a supportive person to listen to you or give you a shoulder to cry on? Would you accept yourself for who you are, flaws and all? The idea of self love is not to stoke your ego - "Love ya champ! You da best! Get it monarch!" - it's to give yourself the acceptance and support and space and grace that you need when you need it. In many ways self love is that deep self acceptance.
It sounds controversial (dismissing "love yourself"), but thinking about it in the context of love-as-a-feeling vs love-as-an-action makes more sense. You can't always shoehorn yourself into having the warm fuzzies about yourself (or anything), but you can always acknowledge your dignity as a human and child of God and treat yourself like another "other": not selfishly, but with the same compassion and acceptance we would normally reserve for others, while still acknowledging and validating what our feelings may be trying to indicate to us
@@nonamelegend_vaporto many of us, the thought of “loving yourself” or “being proud of yourself” is husr foreign, and I get extremely uncomfortable by it I want others to like me, I think i deserve rights, I think some parts of my body look good, but I don’t think of “me” as “someone” you know? Sorry im full on rambling here, but I had no idea other people felt the same until today
While i don't think I have PDA (I generally don't get angry at requests), I'm watching this for strategies on how to deal with the paralyzing anxiety/gloom that I feel around getting started on tasks that I dislike or things that seem complicated. My therapist always attributed this to my anxiety/depression/perfectionism, though I'd characterize myself as a "failed perfectionist", haha.
I also don't mind requests. Of course, they have to be requests, not demands, and I have to be on board with the why... I am happy to help a friend clean their home if they are going through something, but I am definitely not happy to clean up after roommates or partners as a matter of course, for example. I am still a bit on the fence as to whether it's PDA or anxiety, but the overlap is real, and I think looking at childhood and seeing if, say, you asked "why?" a lot when your parents demanded you do something, was present then. That may disambiguate things for you. It did for me -- I was absolutely not happy to do things because anyone "said so", and I was also much happier doing things on my own time and at my own speed. And this was true when I was like, two years old. And I found it pretty astounding that most people were able to just "hop to" and follow orders, or do things just because they were asked to.
God, I wish I had videos of myself as a child. Or even that my parents were still alive so I could ask them if I remember correctly or just imagine I was doing something.
I love the imagination tip! I do that too. When I make myself wash dishes, I imagine I’m at Hogwarts from Harry Potter and create a scene in which I’m washing dishes as part of the story. It makes it bearable. I’m okay once I start the task, just getting started is hard.
Omg now i get why sometimes its fine to do stuff and sometimes it gets really hard lol like thise fine times are when im imagining im in a game and controlling my hands like through some imaginary game controller and stuff if it makes sense loll but yeah ill start doing this more consciously i think that'll make it easier
Something I tell myself when I'm procrastinating and avoiding doing something is "just do it and it's done". Somehow that works for me as it pushes me to want to get the task over and done with.
Every time I have doubts about whether or not I’m autistic I always come back to PDA because there is Nothing else that explains the way I am quite like it, and your videos about it make me feel so seen. Thank you so so so so much, you’ve seriously changed my life!! 💛💛💛
Chores are especially hard for me not only because they are a demand, but also because i really don't have the patience and i progressively get more and more irritated while i do them. But remeber guys, we don't have to necessarily finish a task right then and there. We can take brakes and do them in doses! 😂
Yes to impatience and irritability! ADHD seems to be the biggest component for me where impatience is concerned...I discovered that on meds I can do the dishes without going: “oh god, there’s another one...and another...and another!!” 😂
Some of the best advice I have seen is exactly that: just give yourself a time limit "I'll do this for 10 minutes" and then set an alarm and actually stop so you train yourself that the chore won't go on forever just because you started it. And especially when it comes to cleaning, those chores are never fully finished, so it feels like you are constantly having to do them, and are always at a deficit.
I loved this video! The hardest thing I found is demand avoidance related to hobbies/interests. Similar to what you said about going on holiday, I think its partly due to the expectation of having to have a good time. So it's usually much easier for me to work/study than it is to do my hobbies as there's no external deadline. I have all these hobbies and things that I want to do but doing them is just so hard, I usually just do what I "have" to do instead. Would love if anyone has experienced this and how they deal with it! Because while feeling the fear and doing it anyway works for things I have to do, when I try and apply it to my hobbies is just saps the fun out of it :/
This is for a different reason but I avoid doing hobbies because if I get too much into them I can't stop doing them even when I want to stop. Sometimes I won't stop to use the bathroom, eat or sleep. It is torture.
Oh absolutely. I was always so confused about why I felt like this, and I thought it was due to depression (losing interest in hobbies can be a symptom), but I actually think PDA makes more sense. I procrastinate doing things that I like to a degree that makes me angry at myself! I'd skip out on sports as a child and then be like, why did I do that, I love this sport! I had a period of time where I wondered if my hobies even still count as hobbies because I was doing them so rarely. I haven't touched my ukulele in months. I haven't found a lot of great strategies to overcome this. Sometimes it happens organically because a certain thing suddenly really hooks me into it. I got a new book and I immediately need to read all of it!! I found this super cool crochet pattern (proceeds to crochet for 2 days straight), but that's not reliable. With some things, I just need to push through the initial effort. For example, going to a dance class. I need to muster up the strength to actually go there, but once I did that, I'm there and I'm not gonna leave now. And maybe the most helpful thing is, modifying something/picking the lower-demand "version" of your hobby. I like drawing, but often times doing a full detailed digital piece is just too much pressure. So instead I doodle in my notebook for a bit. Sometimes I'll get into it and end up doing a more elaborate piece, and sometimes I don't and that's okay too. I hope you find this a little helpful at least! Anyway, it's nice to know other people experience it as well.
I tend to just set alarms for like 30mins or an hour, so then it's like I have a deadline. And it's not boring for me either because I allow myself to get absorbed in the hobby because I know my alarm will bring me out of it. Obviously this may or may not work for you, and it's not something you have to try if you don't want to. However, if you did want to and you haven't already, it might be worth a try.
I have similar but i think executive dyafunction plays a big role. All day I feel like I am waiting to draw or play work on my music. I schedule these activities weekly, 2 days in a row each. But when it's time to do what I want, it's so intense, it feels like too hard to start. I circle around it, slowly getting together the supplies. If I can get around to it I can focus so intensely but I feel like I just don't have enough time and I don't feel at home with it because it's like, I only have 2 hours per week to do this it's a lot of pressure sincei have projects I want to get done but sometimes it seems so slow
I think you have such an important point when it comes to just doing the thing through the anxiety. One of the most dysfunctional things I have seen people do in my life, and that I have done myself, as well, is to just give in to the paralysis. Because also, the less you do, the less you will do. As you refuse more and more things, it becomes harder and harder to try anything that induces any kind of anxiety. I have seen people become complete recluses because of that... I was so very lucky to have had people in my life (beginning with my amazing parents), who would acknowledge my stress (like when about to rip off a plaster -- they didn't sit there and berate me for feeling anxious about it, or belittle me for feeling pain) and then encourage me to do it anyway, and that they would be there to dry my tears and celebrate my victories. Many of us haven't had that as children, but you can do this for yourself, and recruit friends and therapists to help. You can be there for yourself, and acknowledge that what you are doing is hard, and then tell yourself that there is likely a reward on the other end (if nothing else that you have tried something new), and continue to challenge yourself while giving yourself permission to be scared, and acknowledging that sometimes things don't work out (even if you are prepared and/or "the best" at something) and that's okay. Life is actually a lot of chances. A lot of failures. A lot of missteps and re-evaluation. It's okay to falter and fail. We all do.
I'd never even head of PDA until about a year ago--it's not an official diagnosis in the US--but as soon as I did, I really resonated with certain aspects of the diagnosis. Watching this video, I identify with so much of it. It makes sense to me and my life. I'm late-diagnosed autistic, also diagnosed ADHD as a teenager, and I've always resented being told what to do... even by myself, even when it's things I WANT or need to do. It's starting to make so much sense now. I have a lot of trouble getting things done, but these tricks look like they might be really helpful.
When I was about 12, I went to another girl's house and saw a little scheduled list of chores, homework and rest her mother did to her, everything timed from the time she woke up to the time she went to bed. I had a feeling of anxiety mixed with anger and felt lucky my parents didn't do the same to me. I pittyed the girl and wanted to help her but couldn't. I wondered how was it possible to be so obedient? I would never go along with that, no matter what you take away from me to bargain.
I relate a lot to the idea of "tricking" your PDA-perhaps conceptualized as a playful strategy rather than a combative one. For instance, tiny changes in language, like "I COULD work on xyz" rather than "I SHOULD work on xyz", can disarm my inner resistance to a seemingly disproportionate extent. It took me many years to learn this about myself, because it seems "dumb" and like it shouldn't work, but in hindsight it makes so much sense as viewed through the lens of PDA.
I recovered from burnout over years and still couldn't do anything. Especially for a job... Was such a confusing, lost feeling. Your videos helped me realise it could be PDA and you've literally improved my whole sense of self. Thank you so much ❤
Finding these videos has been a revelation for me, and I can’t thank you enough for sharing. I burned out with employment a few years ago at the age of 27, and I could NOT explain why. I couldn’t explain why every time I went to a shift at ANY job, no matter how low effort it was, I felt like I was emotionally and psychologically being crushed to death. And why after 4 or so months at every job I’ve ever had I would start having anxiety attacks. Just having to get out of bed and go to a job was enough to cause a complete meltdown. And I just didn’t understand WHY. After my ADHD diagnosis, I started evaluating my experiences through the ND lens. I had ideas about why every work environment was so stressful for me, like sensory overstimulation and masking, but the BIGGEST part of the problem was just this FEELING. This invisible weight that I couldn’t explain or understand, smothering me. And as I’ve been going through my health journey, people in my life keep asking me these questions trying to understand why I am perusing disability, like they’re trying to decide if its really justified. And while I have a lot of conditions and reasons to pursue disability, these conversations make me feel like I can’t breathe, because the biggest hurdle for me is this invisible thing that I couldn’t explain. When I explain my other issues I hear a lot of “maybe you could do {this}” or “in the future, {this} might become a possibility” and eventually I get to the point where I can feel my heart racing and I just want to scream “NO NO I CAN’T I JUST CAN’T AND I DON’T KNOW WHY, PLEASE DON’T MAKE ME!” But that isn’t a socially acceptable response, so I just sit there and try to explain the struggles of ADHD in hopes of appeasing them. It’s SO invalidating and SO exhausting and I just know people don’t understand. Your videos… holy s***. Learning that this isn’t just a me thing, that this is an actual PHENOMENON, a CONDITION that has been observed and studied, with explanations and evidence… this is amazing. I feel SEEN, for this debilitating thing that even I couldn’t understand. Now I have the language to help other people understand it too. THANK YOU, SO SO MUCH.
This is so very interesting! Upon your suggestion, I took the tests on Riko's page, and scored pretty high on both. I have in the past taken pretty much all the ASD tests I could find, and also score high on them. I am 47, and never got a formal diagnosis for ASD, but was finally diagnosed ADHD at age 42, despite spending years at the child psychiatrist's office as a child, because I was *extremely* weird. Of course, that was the early eighties, and girls were rarely diagnosed with ASD or ADHD, so that played a huge part. I was also hyper verbal, hyperlexic, and quite affectionate -- all symptoms that pretty much excluded you from the ASD diagnosis at the time. I thank my lucky stars every single day that my parents were really great with me, giving me lots of autonomy while providing me with structure and keeping me away from danger as much as possible with a kid so driven to do their own thing. They were willing to explain every rule, and let me poke holes in it ad nauseam. I am also super grateful for Montessori school, because I was stifled by traditional kindergarten, and would probably have burnt myself out completely in a traditional elementary school. Once I got to middle school, I definitely had more coping skills and was able to put up with it, though there were a lot of little tricks, and things my parents and teachers didn't understand. I so clearly remember going to the library to find books on assigned subjects, rather than reading the assigned chapter in our books. Or steadfastly refusing to do assignments I found stupid or boring, or too repetitious. You couldn't get me to read a book or watch a movie twice, despite my abiding love for cinema and writing. I eventually dropped out of high school at sixteen, after being held back a year, and made up for three years of coursework in a year by just studying myself. And I completely failed math because I decided I was gonna get the highest possible marks in everything else so that I wouldn't have to touch that subject I so disliked. I got to study mostly on my own schedule (though I did have a commitment to 4 hours a day, which I generally did in the morning when there weren't other fun things to do out in the world) and wherever I wanted (so many mornings sitting in the park under a tree reading books!). When I later tried to go to university and had to jump through all kinds of hoops, as well as be present at each and every lecture, I really couldn't do it. It took me probably 7 years to figure out how to get myself through higher education, and it started with doing just one course per semester, and, yep, by working not only on my own schedule, but working ahead so as to have an out for bad days or weeks and not feel too pressured. And when I went full time it was incredibly hard until I got recognized as disabled (for my depression), and had letters I could use to get out of class or turn in assignments late. I rarely used them, but just knowing I *could* and that I didn't have to save my one excused absence a semester for a day when I had pneumonia and literally couldn't stand, was so liberating and made me able to work quite hard while not feeling like the world was on the verge of ending every day. I, too, have mostly worked for myself, and it is truly the only way I can really function without burning out. TBH, that is not only the pressure, but also the fact that I generally do not get along with people in workplaces -- small talk, having to keep up with fashion and pop culture to "fit in", not mentioning a lot of the "strange" interests and lifestyle choices I make, sensory issues from clothing and noises... All of it. I worked really hard on finding a career that allowed me to work from home and somewhat at my own pace, and my whole life fell apart when that profession basically became obsolete and the jobs available were severely under-paid (I was a translator and interpreter). I am now in a phase of my life where I find it incredibly hard to find a new career, between choice paralysis and just the pressure of having to do something that I am not sure I like or that may require me to go out in the world... But watching your videos and reading up on PDA and other autistic traits has definitely led me to increased self-acceptance, as well as learning new strategies to short-circuit some of my odd behaviors. And it honestly feels fantastic to know that it's not just me. I remember having class mates, especially in university/college who had two jobs, went to school full time, had three kids, and volunteered in their free time, and thinking "they are either lying, or I am a complete and utter failure as a person". It has felt very lonely and I have judged myself very harshly for this stuff, and knowing there are others who feel the same is so important. Now I do my "mandatory" two things a day with the knowledge that I am not alone, not deficient, and certainly not doomed to just live out my life unfulfilled and jobless.
21:00 Living life with PDA has always felt like I'm walking through thick underbrush with thorns sprinkled in. I never *feel* right when I do stuff, but I don't have anyone else who might do something with or instead of me, so I just have to power through.
22:45 #12 Demand Free Time It goes nicely with Wait But Why's idea of the Dark Playground, where instead of just taking demand free time, and actually enjoying ourselves, we do other idle procrastinating activities like doom scrolling.
Number 7 is probably the one I resonate with the most. Before I found out I might be autistic, I never understood why I have always had a visceral reaction to doing things when asked to vs when I choose “I’m going to do this”, and especially how any small presence can make tasks easier. I’ve always found having company while showering, doing dishes, folding laundry etc has made it 1000x easier. I used to have my brother talk to me through the door when I showered and as an adult, I would call someone or have my fiancé come in and keep me company or shower with me. When doing dishes I would call friends or have my brother dry them, now I have my fiancé talk to me on the phone when he’s on break or hang out in the kitchen with me. Just having someone present and there helps me forget how daunting so many things seem.
I think where I am struggling the most is convincing others that I have autism and not just severe social anxiety. I relate so much to PDA it makes me want to cry to know I’m not lazy or overall stubborn. But I don’t have an autism diagnosis and no one in my family or close friends see that I’m autistic. I’m not sure if (a) I hide it well, (b) they don’t understand actual autism and not the older profiles of “typical” autism, or (c) I’m not actually autistic but I identify because I am ND with a different diagnosis. I guess my question to anyone who can relate is: is autism mostly an anxiety based ND? I know many traits are based in anxiety and anxious behaviours. But experts are also saying that PDA is only a diagnosis under an autism diagnosis not other ND diagnoses. Social anxiety falls under an ND umbrella but if PDA is anxiety based, doesn’t that mean others with anxiety could experience PDA and not be autistic but severely anxious? My head is spiralling lol and these are all questions people might not have answers to. Thank you for your videos, I have been able to relate so much to many of your experiences as a 28 year old female. It has been a help for me mentally this summer!
I'm no authority but I relate so much... I vividly remember trying to explain PDA to my best friend, before I even knew it existed. I said: "I don't usually struggle with a lot of stuff. Or maybe I'm just slow and I don't realise it. But the same things, when asked to do it or being watched I freeze up. Maybe I feel less allowed to be slow? But I can't move and usually someone else has to do it for me." He said it was social anxiety. I can say for a fact I don't have social anxiety. I talk to strangers sometimes and say stuff often to get a funny reaction out of people or just speak in riddles where the only valid answer is that what I said makes no sense lol. So in this moment I remember being so confused... it was something I couldn't answer my entire 20 years of life until like a few days ago. Asking if autism is anxiety based, I feel like is more difficult to answer because everyone has an ultimately isolated understanding of anxiety. You could say every decision a person makes is anxiety based. Everyone avoids anxiety to an extent. But it's important to not have that overshadow those with anxiety disorders. I don't think anxiety defines autism itself. Especially when traits of autism don't disappear with lowered anxiety. Given freedom to not mask and be in a safe place I feel like the tendencies actually increase. But I think the diagnosis is anxiety based! Usually people seek diagnosis as a reason to explain all the anxiety they deal with. At least thats how it worked for me. Then hopefully leading to a result where diagnosis leads to reduced anxiety. Where less anxiety actually allows people more freedom to simply be themself. I think its incredibly interesting to think about autism relating to anxiety. I am so glad to finally see a place where people casually bring up stuff I hated so much and never believed others could understand...
There is a ton of overlap between anxiety and autism, and of course autism and ADHD (so much so there are researchers who are trying to reclassify ADHD as one of the ASD presentations). I finally got diagnosed at 42 with ADHD and wondered how it got missed. Probably cause I was AFAB and it was the early eighties, but, I mean, I was known as "The Earthquake" *lol* Anyway, I think it is very much a chicken or the egg problem, because (especially undiagnosed and/or untreated) NDs can cause anxiety, which then makes living in the world harder. So one of the things I (and many clinicians) look at is "when did this start?" I have always been this way -- and I can remember quite far back. I often struggled to find a defining moment, some trauma that caused me to be this way, and I was always like "did I repress some memory?" until I realized I was ND. Sure, I was bullied in childhood cause I was so weird, but the weird came first. And while many children chose to adapt to social pressure, I literally couldn't. Like at some point we moved back to Italy, which is mostly Christian, and my family was atheist and raised me as such. And because I was tired of the bullying I figured a fresh start and pretending to be more like others would help me gain acceptance. I studied Catholicism, and learned when to cross myself and all that -- but I just couldn't pretend. It wasn't that I was bad at performing as a Catholic -- it simply felt wrong and caused me all kinds of distress to lie.The charade lasted less than a few months, and I just gave up on pretending to be "normal." Another defining feature is related: this is part of who I am as a person. I don't have social anxiety -- I am perfectly comfortable with the family and friends who accept me (and are mostly ND themselves). There are people I fit with. But there are also lots of people who give me turbo anxiety: for example, when words don't match actions, or when they refuse to make small concessions to my sensitivities (like turn off the TV while talking to me, or not wear a scent I dislike). I am not of the school that I just have to be taken as I am an not make concessions to the people around me -- I absolutely think it is a two-way street. And I also think it's helpful to try new things and expand your horizons, so for example I am very glad that my parents forced me to try eating a very wide variety of foods. Their approach may have been a little too forceful (the only scenes in our family were around meal times, pretty much), it has been really important to expand my palate, because I would have stuck to very few foods. But, ultimately, no matter how much I have tried, certain textures and flavors just don't agree with me. I don't do bitter -- period, in any form, for example. I have tried to acquire the taste -- it's just not a thing I can abide. And while I certainly have gotten "used to" fluorescent and overly-bright electric lighting, I will absolutely make sure the lighting is soft and pleasant to me in any kind of environment where I do have control over it. It has always been that way, and it always will be, I reckon. I am writing very off the cuff here, while I myself am processing a bunch of information and still struggle to fully assert I am autistic because I don't have a formal diagnosis (yet), so I hope this makes sense.
I'm Audhd, diagnosed. My climbing partner says I'm an extroverted-introvert: I'm perfectly able to function with others in social situations in regards to the stresses (though a coworker I disclosed to told me while I tend to do well one-on-one, in a group setting, say, lunch with several others, I clearly struggle to make things work) and I'm not at all full of anxiety in such situations. If I were, I'd not be able to do my job and interact with complete strangers (customers) with no warning, possibly having to tell them over a Teams call they're doing things wrong, or have various live meetings with people at work. I work in tech. My formal training is electronics and robotics, though most of my career has been in software development as the primary focus. As such, I've got a lot of background to analyze the nature of autistic neurology and behavior (note: I was diagnosed unexpectedly in 2002, at 31) and I've had AI as a special interest since the late 80s. I've also got a solid understanding of the architectures of modern CPUs work, including speculative execution of instructions, for example, (most relevant here) including branch prediction. In a CPU that does branch prediction, that's usually in a looping scenario where the loop repeats more than once. The prediction, therefore, if it has executed enough times in a short time, is to loop again. Because of that, the CPU executes the start of the next loop, speculatively, on the basis of that prediction, as it may save time. It has a time cost if the branch prediction was wrong. Autistic neurology and resultant behavior strongly resembles in so many aspects the same concept, where what was done most recently is what is optimized for the next operation, and it has a cost if there is a reason to break that: that provides a bit of stress that is felt. This looping of behavior and processing in general is autistic inertia, and the reason I unexpectedly found myself with a diagnosis, because I recognized whether I was in a high-energy state or the opposite for behavior, it was very hard to break out of it, all while having no emotional component, no depression, no mania, but it causes stress to change out of the loop. This goes to the pattern of sameness that's part of autistic life. Unplanned/unwanted changes cause stress because the autistic brain optimizes execution (and executive functioning has a cost of energy) for what it has been doing previously, and it's instinctive to use as little energy to live as possible. So, no: social anxiety is perhaps a common thing that goes along for the ride, but I'd argue it's not even fully correct to say the resistance to change is anxiety as part of the nature, it's that depending on personality, one may develop greater anxiety dealing with change. What change does, is it causes mental caching to be flushed, and that's stressful and costs a meaningful amount of stress. I'm pretty laid back but there is ultimately a limit to how much things can randomly change before it gets to be too much. Being Audhd mitigates a bit of the rigidity, though I seem to do best with random novel stuff in a regularly scheduled and controlled environment.
PDA can also look like Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD). I don't know much about ODD but I heard that. It used to be that only more obvious cases of autism were diagnosed. Now people can be diagnosed even if they don't show it as much. I hope you can figure things out.
@@strictnonconformist7369 That's brilliant insight. I love your way of explaining your experience because abstraction and analogy is about the only way I can understand and/or describe. To see, and explain, parallels with machine learning (would what you are describing be called 'machine learning'?) is so illuminating. Do you think ALL humans (maybe all lifeforms) are victims of branch prediction errors? Or is it the already non standard people that take the biggest hits and have the most false starts? Can we alter our own (probably flawed) algorithms so we are not trying to conserve energy by predicting and implementing past reactions before they are actually called for? I mean - is it the very act of branch prediction that's bad or is it the algorithms that branch prediction is using? It's amazing how you have set it out. Thank you for putting the time in to explain your theory. :) "What change does, is it causes mental caching to be flushed, and that's stressful and costs a meaningful amount of stress." I love it. Also, good job getting in with AI on the ground floor! I am one of the people that is not afraid of AI (I'm really enthusiastic about how it might super charge our evolution towards something we may currently only dream of). I hope I don't get proven wrong. I am now closer to being ready to fuse with the hive mind :D !! Either it's God that's watching, and approving/disapproving of, me - or it's AI. Don't know. Always feeling like a subject in a 'study' is probably not healthy. Were you, perchance, involved with the Sunderland fish (talking about the robotics)? I tried to promote, using the robotic fish, that area of learning to my son. He did go on to study computer science at university but, sadly, robotics had no part in it. Edit: 'I am now closer to being ready to fuse with the hive mind.' ..... If it will have me :) . Also, I reckon autistic spectrum people are a lot more embracing of AI than non autistic people. This whole idea that AI will take our jobs (well, let's face it, it will) and we will, consequently, end up fat/listless/pointless is wrong (for me). I believe the organic brain will always have the Promethean edge on AI and rather than having nothing to do we will just do new and different things. We'll keep finding new and different ways to evolve and be always just ahead of the AI nipping at the heels of our currently appropriate paradigms. We're on the brink of a really wild ride!
I absolutely feel the same about needing everything I do to have a bigger purpose than just "having fun" or else I struggle with guilt and it seeming too frivolous. I even rush through showers because taking my time to "indulge" while getting clean seems too frivolous and selfish (even though logically this makes no sense because my kids are grown adults and I work from home and set my own hours). To work through this illogical guilt, I just got an Xbox for my birthday (at the age of 44 LOL) and my "self-help therapy" is to play on it at least an hour a day for the sheer sake of having fun.
there was an interesting moment I had a few years back. my car broke down as I was driving to work, which for most people would be highly stressful, but I basically built my cars, I have multiple in case one goes down unexpectedly, and I'm totally fine walking a few miles home if need be. so I actually felt really comfortable with this situation. I just called my boss, let her know I'd be a bit late, fiddled with the car I'd taken a bit, parked it in a safe spot, and started walking home to get the other car. once I got in to work, however, there were weird new problems nobody foresaw that I was being asked to fix, and day to day situations I didn't like dealing with, and all of this was why I considered it fair that I was being paid. and it occurred to me that I was much more comfortable and at peace with everything when handling the broken down car than I was doing the normal life stuff that everyone expects me to comfortable with. for me I don't think it's about control, really. because if I were truly in control then there wouldn't be a car breaking down that I have to repair, and there wouldn't be a 2 mile hike back to my house to fetch the other car. saying that's a situation where I feel in control is absurd. but it is a situation that I know very well how to handle, and it's a situation where mistakes only affect me. at work I'm probably actually more in control, but I'm doing things that affect everyone, and I'm being forced to follow guidelines laid out by people who've never done these things themselves, so having a healthy skepticism that the situation can be handled as expected is just realistic. so while people looking in at my life often accuse me of always wanting to be in control, that's not correct. in fact I'm extremely comfortable being out of control as long as I can trust that everyone will end up being safe and the vitally important parts of the desired outcome are likely to happen. or in other words, I really just have a problem with flagrant incompetence.
just this evening I found a snake in one of my quail cages, looking for eggs to eat. apparently when I removed her I left the door open long enough for a few of the birds to get out. me and my daughter held the snake for a while, admiring her shiny scales, and released it away from the birds. then discovered the escaped quail. my daughter was very worried that they'd escape, but having been hand raised, only ever living in captivity, and wanting to stay near the birds still in the cage, I knew it was unlikely they'd go anywhere. so I just herded them back toward the cage, and slowly recaptured them one by one. this is another situation where no element of it has me being in control, but it's a very calm and comfortable situation, because I know how to handle it. if I were in control there wouldn't be snakes eating the freshly laid eggs. if I were in control there wouldn't be domestic animals loose in the yard, vulnerable to hawks, or should they remain out after dark, owls and bobcats.
I feel very similarly. The seemingly out of control moments are opportunities to take control especially when I know what to do and nobody else is involved.
I've been doing something like advice number two since my start in college, except slightly different, where I write what I have to do, and then just the date it needs to be done by! This is a daily process, because I also have 2 different highlighters. One for if I finish a task and another for when I'm for sure putting it off for another day. It really helps me keep track of my tasks without making me feel either controlled or unproductive! The extra highlighter really makes it feel okay to not do everything on the list at once! I was doing this without even knowing about PDA and now I have an explanation for why this worked so much better than my previous to-do lists!
Thank you so much! I am in burnout and I know I want to and have the capability to work from home and have the career I want, but I’ve struggled so much. This has helped make so much sense of what I’m struggling with, and how I can tackle it without shaming myself or forcing myself into further burnout. You are an angel!! TYSM for your work!!! 🖤🖤🖤
It is borderline shocking to hear that one tactic is to pretend you are a character on TV. I don't know how I feel about that because I know how horrible it feels like to feel like I am watched at all times. I wouldn't want someone to develop the paranoia of feeling watched all the time like I have. I believe I feel this way because I am high masking and have trauma linked with not masking hard enough or correct enough in the past around peers. It developed into feeling like all my behaviors are being scrutinized by others even when I am alone. I feel mostly okay in my bedroom but everywhere else, even in my living room or my backyard, I feel like I am being monitored. I think it is similar to the concept of "internalized male gaze" when a woman feels like they need to be presentable to men all the time regardless of where they are or what they are doing. It feels like that but with my behavior not how I look. I guess you could call it an "internalized allistic gaze."
Oh I relate to that. I had the same thought about that strategy. I suppose the key is thinking it’s pretend, not real, but it still sounds so scary, for all the reasons you outlined. I resonated with Meg wanting to express her opinion, and yes, in the moment, I want someone to hear my thoughts, I process better that way too. After I actually put them out there to people, though, I tend to freak out. Why did I say that?? People will judge me...stuff like that.
Omg yes!! The reason I've had such a hard time doing chores or even cooking is because I live in a shared flat and the idea of someone watching me while doing it is horrifying! When I'm alone, it's a bit better, but I still relate to what you're saying about feeling watched all the time. I believe this is called "paranoid thinking" - this underlying feeling of being observed/scrutinized, despite knowing no one is actually watching, as opposed to paranoia, where you genuinely believe someone is watching/following/etc. I think I would actually have an easier time cleaning while pretending I'm in my own apartment where no one cares how I do it lol
The top floor (the attic) of my three story cottage was my least observed place (which is daft because, technically, I can't be observed anywhere indoors). Had to move myself to the middle floor because I'm fifty three and my bladder demands proximity to the bathroom! I do feel much better way up top, though. And it's further away from the road and the traffic noise (I believe it's the noise that has me feeling like I'm right out there, roadside in a puddle of diesel, being watched and judged - I **** despise the traffic). The immediacy of that damned road.
So as an alternative you can think of it as ‘getting into character’ or ‘pretending to be someone else’ like someone you really admire, a celebrity, close friend whose always on top of things etc. I totally understand the aversion to feeling as you’re being watched - one of the main reasons I had to leave university and give up my dream degree is because I couldn’t stand living in the dorms where I felt as though I had a thousand eyes on me and the constant threat of having someone walk into the kitchen or shared bathroom and judge/watch my behaviour and what I was doing. Even the thought now makes my skin crawl. I tried the share house thing too - hoping it would be less intense with less people but I fear it just made everything worse because then I felt the pressure to develop these really close relationships even with people I really didn’t like and then I had the pressure of a newer friend judging and watching my every move or someone I disliked potentially having a problem with me and my actions too. I can safely say since living alone my mental health has gone from recommended weekly psych appointments, high dose meds and constant skin crawling anxiety to where I’ve barely needed to see my psych for 12 months, I’ve completed 2 certificates/degrees, reduced meds and doses and I’m so much happier with just my life in general. I’ve started 2 moderately successful businesses that allow me to work from home and have been able to focus enough on my physical health to really make some improvements with my chronic illnesses. I truly didn’t realise how much the ‘living with other people’ thing was stressing me out until I wasn’t forcing myself to do that anymore!
Same here. I can't do ANYTHING while being watched - as myself. But weirdly, when I was in theatre, I didn't experience that same sensation while I was actually on stage, because the audience wasn't watching ME, they were watching my character. So I can sometimes find it useful to imagine not so much that people are WATCHING me try to get things done, but that doing the things is "in the script." So if someone is present and might be watching, they're not watching ME but a scene. Sometimes I'll even pick someone else in the area and decide they're the main character and I'm an extra, so no one is actually paying attention to what I'm doing. I'm just there to add realism to someone else's big scene. It's a way of separating self from the gaze instead of internalizing the expectations of the gaze. I control when I perform, and as soon as I'm done, it doesn't matter what observers want from me. Obviously not going to work for everyone, doesn't even always work for me, but I can sometimes get past the paranoia of being watched by pretending that the activity is supposed to be watched.
In hindsight I shouldve realized that hearing advice from others really fits PDA. And I wish I recognized that the apprehension towards this topic stemmed from that. I guess the blindspot comes from spending nearly a decade self constructing habits and introspective patterns of thought to try and stay in line for myself. I had to teach myself to accept advice, Ive come to deeply appreciate it because it lets me exercise sonder. Its just felt like I disagreed with the profile because I dont give a shit about demands if theyre actually explained to me. They just have to make sense. Im even willing to capitulate and accept "Yeah its dumb but we gotta or else its our livelyhood." Self acceptance is great. Embrace absurdity, do as you please as long you dont hurt, instead preferablly confuse others.
17:36 I think this is why I find working during 9-5 so stressful but working after hours (if I have the energy) actually kinda fun. I'm a software engineer so my main job is sitting in front of a text editor reading and writing code, but there's so many other small tasks that pop up during the work day like meetings or help questions or our service breaking and having to find a fix or needing to review other team members' code or having one of the juniors ask for help or see another small task that would take less than two hours to fix and then suddenly it's 5pm and haven't had any uninterrupted time to get done what I actually need to do! But as soon as it hits 5pm, there's no expectation to do those other things, so I'm free to sit down and mentally get into a task and push through for several hours uninterrupted. I've started actually starting my work day more around 10am, and then usually one night per week I'll work back late and get _so much done_ and it feels so good, and the hours roughly balance out on average. Edit: Also the sense that I'm _choosing_ to work on this at this time, rather than this being what's _required_ to be done at this time. That whole demand avoidance thing. It's just so much less stressful making progress when I know I'm not _expected_ to be making progress at this exact time, but also still having that "deadline" of shame of not having completed the task yet to push the ADHD side of me into action at all (I don't have strict deadlines for most of my tasks but it doesn't look good to my manager if things aren't moving)
Your work day sounds so similar to mine and it's gotten much worse with the added distraction of "Teams" and Instant messaging. I used to start my "real work" at 5pm. But then during the first COVID outbreak, I started getting up early and doing my "real work" in the morning, 2 hours before my expected start time. This really helped me to push myself to get things done before my precious quality time was gone for the day. It also gave me the incentive that if I got certain things done by Wednesday, then on Thursday and Friday I could sleep in or goof off and start at my normal work time.
(sometime on the 6min mark) About the to-do list and putting more stuff that you can do: I remember reading/watching somewhere that the average person usually can tackle six to seven items maximum. So I'd expect any neurodiverse person to maybe tackle two to five items on any given day?? Depending on executive function, PDAing your way through the day... Personally what works best for me is arrange to do half of any chore because I noticed my brain sometimes can go "urgh, no, don't do this anymore, I-hate-it-I-hate-it" halfway through so having a "way out" as you put it tends to make things more manageable!
For me (I have physical disabilities as well) I try to pick the most important thing to get done the next day and try to do that. One thing seems less overwhelming.
Role Playing is EXTREMELY helpful for me. I'm 26. I still pretend to be my favorite cartoon character for a specific situation, or one of my own characters, to get around my PDA. For example, when i need to clean, i pretend to be Pearl from Steven Universe, because i imagine she loves cleaning.
I hope this doesn't come across as weird or inappropriate , (if it does, i am sorry.) but I have been following this channel for afew months now and I just wanted to say i really enjoy seeing your videos pop up on my notifications and I find your voice soothing. It might just be my brain adding you into my weekly routine but I wanted to say thank you 😊 Life has been hard af recently but having you around makes me feel less alone ❤
11:28 Honestly thank you so much for including this part in the video! I used to (and still do sometimes) feel so weird about doing that sort of stuff to make mundane tasks easier to get through, like either pretending I'm an actor or a character in a show or book or pretending I'm being interviewed by someone while I'm talking to myself through an opinion / thought I'm having. Like I work at a gas station and regularly get through the day by pretending I'm in medieval times manning a trading post and all my customers are merchants, travellers, etc who are going off on D&D style adventures and are stopping at the trading post for supplies 😂 And you're so right, it really feels so silly and cringey but gosh darnit IT! WORKS!!! These PDA geared videos have just been so, so helpful. Like there's such a disconnect for me when I read all the medical articles and such about it, but hearing it come from someone who actually lives through it and can really put into words the frustration and anxiety that comes with it really helps! It makes the label feel more comfortable for me and it makes all the little quirks I have and do to get through the day feel just a little less weird to do
"Done is better than good" Literally brought a tear to my eye. I've wasted so much energy on perfectionism in my life. Lately I've been really trying to do a worse job at everything so I can have some of my mental health back
I just want to say how much I love your childhood videos. I don’t have the luxury of remembering my childhood much. We don’t have videos from the 1960’s. Mom is passed, Dad was busy. There were four of us. So, I am loving my early un-diagnosed self by loving you as a child. That was maybe me as a child. Or my free to be me self, if I wasn’t so shy.
Laugh with me... Instead of showering, I decided to volunteer to make 3 ingredient vegan ricotta cheese (to use in Vegan Lasagna). 😂 I absolutely laughed in the moment too, because the novelty & fun-ness of the idea tickled my brain. 😊 I have such a hard time brushing my teeth, I finally ordered some finger brush/wipes to keep by my bedside.
I find it amusing that I do many of these things already (didn’t know about PDA until very recently when I discovered your channel and had my big Aha! moment about myself), things I slowly figured out the hard way that help. That loose approach to a to-do list and wearing headphones and listening to music or podcasts to help myself through tasks have been huge helpers for me.
This describes my inner world and my childhood. I pretended to be on a talk show to get my homework done. It's the first time in 35 years that I hear other people describe these same experiences.. I'm almost 1 year into research and 3 months into autism screening. Currently trying to beat the demand to finish my report, I've answered all the questions in my head, but actually typing and formatting (doing the work) is absolutely hell. :D
I'm PDA and my partner is PDA--WEEEEEEEEE... Fun times! (So is my mother) One thing I do sometimes to work with or manage my own PDA when I have a project to do--e.g. we renovate a 100-year-old wood craftsman-style house in Los Angeles, it's a lot of heavy DIY--is project preparation. I'll start just by planning, gathering the tools and materials, and staging those things where the main task or work must be done. Setting up for projects helps me segue into the actual getting whatever the project started. It gives me confidence because I'm confident that I'm prepared. Preparation is almost everything. Once I get started then comes my challenge is maintaining myself--food and hydration--and when to stop for the day. That aspect kind of drives my partner nuts, because I'm bad at taking care of myself once I dive in and dive deep. I tend to get into a flow state and get locked into that mode. That's a difference between me and my partner. I lock into a hyper-focused high-endurance flow state, she does not.
Thank you so much for this video, especially tip 10 and 11. I'm an autistic self-employed writer and often struggle to just start because I overthink even my regular work schedule and get frightened by it. But the bandaid analogy made so much sense for me, I try to incorporate it in my day.
If you say "F*** it" but actually the unbleeped word, the fact that you're swearing actually interrupts the brain's thought processes for 3 to 5 seconds. This allows you to then jump in and do whatever you need to do that you have a fear of doing, such as phone calls. It works in the same way that you do it before your brain catches up.
A trick I use involves treating myself like another person. At night, before bed, I write a list of things I need to do the next day. I always include things I know I’ll do anyway to keep momentum. That way I feel like I’m still in control of what I’m doing, but I have a structure to operate in already, and don’t have to try so hard to motivate myself.
Finding these vids on Demand Avoidance/Anxiety has been a large help. It's helped characterize a lot of things I'd thought of as Executive Dysfunction, and knowing why it can happen helps me SO much to negotiate with myself. Still working on figuring out some good ways to sort out larger projects, but it's progress.
This unlocked something for me: why the Pomodoro method was never looked effectual for me. Then I found a reddit post about this exact thing. Having trouble with transitions (AKA "context switching") as we do, there is no way in hell that starting and stopping every 20 mins or whatever can be any good. I also struggle with feeling that i have to be doing something useful and productive constantly. Like i wouldnt have gone to a candle-making class or whatever people do, because it's a "waste of time" that would in no way contribute to my career or future. But that can be a CPTSD thing too.
I have done the whole doing something else that needs to be done to avoid doing another thing that needs to be done. I've always called it productive procrastination. 😅
Oh my goshhhhhhh self interview!! As soon as I’m alone in the house (and not working), it begins and it goes for literally hours. I never even considered that other people might do this so it caught me by surprise here, but I always have felt really ashamed that I do that, no one in my life knows about it cuz I find it super embarrassing, but now that I know it’s ok, maybe I can embrace it more 😊😊 I have so many opinions and not enough people who would be interested so this is the only outlet 😅
This is a great title! I’m a personal trainer and instead of advise I try to let clients know what has been helpful to me. Take it or leave it. Unless I can tell they’re actually at risk of injury it’s a good idea to let people figuire it out with some guidance and/or parameters.
I've been watching your videos for so long, but have deliberately avoided clicking on this video in my recommended since you've uploaded it because then I knew I'd have no excuse for avoiding everyday tasks.
Theres another creator i watch called struthless, he embraces the cringe of self love. Not in an extreme way, but i feel like a little bit of self love cringe actually does help, and I'm for the most part in complete agreeance with the pointless feeling of shallow affirmations. Its the pretending the cringe doesnt exist that erks me so bad. I also love productive procrastinating, having so many things i want to do that no matter what i avoid, I'm still doing something that future me will be pleased about.
I have a tendency to feel like anything I do for someone (ie, wife, boss, etc) has to be so amazingly well done that it makes up for whatever other things I didn't do/ did late for that person, which of course means I procrastinate even more
I agree with laughing I know I would struggle more if I didn't, I tend not to make jokes with people but instead just never take myself too seriously which helps me be a bit more relaxed. I'm uncertain if I am a PDA as the NHS in the UK aren't great at helping adults that are neurodivergent at least in my experience, but I do laugh at myself when I immedietly want to tell someone no or procrastinate at even a suggestion of doing something if i'm not ready to do it. Never be afraid of being yourself, just because we can struggle at times does not mean we are incapable and i'm certain that there are amazing people out there that come up with creative ways to do things no matter how mundane or difficult.
You are right, everything in moderation -- too much “just do it” is one of the things that drove up my fight or flight response into crazy person territory. I ended up with a job that involved a lot of that, and I was genuinely surprised and impressed with myself that I was able to manage. At the same time, I kept saying to myself, “I like this job, and am grateful for it, but I can feel it changing me” - in some bad ways I did not understand. It’s frustrating now to look back and think “okay, actually you couldn’t do it.” I went places and did things that I have some good memories of. But I’m struggling to stay regulated now, stressing out my wife, and wondering if, had I not pushed myself so hard, I would still have a life.
Omg yes the to-do list. That's what I do too! If I actually try to schedule my tasks for the day, I won't do them. If I have a brain dump list, I will pick and choose what I feel like at the time while probably avoiding other tasks I don't want to do, but in the end it all gets done eventually.. or dropped because it wasn't actually necessary anyway or something has changed. Getting it all out on paper or in an app relieves most of the anxiety around the tasks and you can turn your attention to something else you'd rather be doing knowing you won't forget anything important because you wrote It down and can do it later! Oh! and throughout the day, I write down on my schedule the things I actually did from my brain dump list to see how much I've actually accomplished at the end of the day and don't have to feel down on myself for not completing a to-do list.
Awesome video, thanks Meg. I try to go with, 'what do I need to do to stay alive till bedtime?' To choose a task. If there is something I WANT to do, then use that as a reward for doing the thing I am avoiding. I have learned that although the deep breath, just do it. Is something I have to do, it also comes with significant fall out symptoms. That need a lot of recovery time. So I save that for emergency use as much as possible.
Devon Price is brilliant. i read "Unmasking Autism: Discovering the New Faces of Neurodiversity" when it came out and it changed my life. a great introductory overview that addresses quite a few concepts quite eloquently for such a short book. highly recommend it.
I used to massively struggle with menus, and still sometimes do, but what I find sometimes works for me is to just read until there's something that seems good and avoiding looking at the rest of the menu.
at 9:10 I saw the cleaning spray show up and had a visceral reaction to the memory of how awful so many of those sprays smell! Most people I meet are surprised by this and tell me they associate the smell of bleach with the idea of cleanliness. I just can't even - it is overwhelming and it feels like I can taste it. Anyway, time to watch the rest of the video lol
I love these videos! I just had my husband watch your other video about PDA and he was like "what's next? What do we do?" And then there was your video! Perfect timing! 😊 These videos have been so helpful for me, so thank you!
Recently, I started to plan my week in my digital calendar throughout the whole week. And than I shuffle all the planned tasks around during the week and readjust constantly. By this I managed to get things done (because I’m reminded I need/want to do them) but I can mainly choose when I do what. Also podcasts or music for chores is a must. Helps to mind them so much less.
My mom taught me "If it's worth doing, it's worth doing right". Not good for my perfectionism. At all. I heard a revised version I live by "If it's worth doing, it's worth doing wrong as well, better than not doing". I also tell myself, when I can, that I WANT to do something. Not I have to, but want to. I find the language I use with myself helps a lot. I can even ask myself why do I want to do it, and come up with an answer. Example: No, bad alarm, shut up, sleep. But, the alarm is going off for a reason, why? Oh yeah, work, shut up alarm. Wait, I need, um, want to get up. Why? Cause I need, um, want to go to work. Why????? Cause I want money. You can see, the method is not perfect, but when I can get it to work, it works for me.
I think art is the best way to overcome overthinking. When you get into the zone, you're bypassing the left side of your brain(the logic side) and using mainly your right brain(the artistic side). I think that lines up with what you said about playing a character, maybe role playing uses your right brain. My personal theory is that the anxiety and overthinking comes from the logic side of your brain. Finding ways to use your right brain is really helpful :) this was a great video, it really got me inspired to get some work done
#2 - write a crappy todo list is SO USEFUL for me. I don't know if it's some ADHD thing or something, but I think trying to keep track of things in my head is itself anxiety inducing and uses brain cycles. Just writing a few things down often gets me started doing ANYTHING and often I never go back to the list again, just the act of starting the list is sometimes enough.
I always relate to your videos and think they are really well done! I just wanted to mention the fear of not having a good time in enough time or running out of time on vacation has been a recurring stress dream for me for over 3 years now. I always dream I'm at the beach with my friends, but somehow it's the last day of the trip and there is no time to go to the beach and weve wasted the trip. So much feels like it clicked just now, haha
My favorite channel yay 😊 im waiting on a diagnosis for autism and your videos help a lot with understanding and help explain how i feel to people because i find it so hard to explain stuff to people. I just wanted to say thank you from my heart 💟 because you have helped my life in so many ways 😊
im only on point #2 but this video is amazing already!! ive ALWAYS avoided certain demands by doing other demands, i just called it "productive procrastination" but im pretty sure i quite resonate with PDAers lol. #12 is a great reminder too, it is important to have demand-free time! i've noticed when i have a very busy day without much demand-free chill time, then i tend to get much less accomplished the next day, almost like im in need of a recovery period from demands.
Thank you for your videos!💗 Someone gave me this trick and sometimes; it's really efficient. He suggested me to put a countdown of 10min., try to do some tasks on my to-do list then stop for the day at the ringing of the bell. I've been surprised because I done more than I could imagine. This video was really relevant for me, thanks again!🌼
so far the way that kinda works for me to keep the burn out minimal is to have after a day of getting somethings done ( mostly i pack too many things onto that day ) ,a day where everything is just an option, but with a couple of ideas what would be good to get done. followed by a day or two where time does not exist and i just do whatever i feel like in the moment. and if that means having a day without brushing teeth or without going to bed and instead just doing small naps, than so be it. it´s not a super well working strategie i guess , but i haven´t found jet another way to not get burned out after a week of doing basic things like meeting people and other appointments, buying food and so on, without needing afterwards a couple of weeks to recover. so i call that an improvment😅
I have a failure of pre-emption. See, pre-emption is a concept in multitasking operating system design, where task switching occurs whether the running process likes it or not.
I am in the research phase of developing an app to help with poor introception & executive functioning, but i want to make sure it isnt too demanding and accommodates for PDA. I am autistic/PDA but this is still helpful since i have trouble analyzing myself.
One "antidote" to inertia is to make tasks as effortless as possible. For one thing, being as organized as possible. Also, different ways of doing things: I've found that writing notes on my phone feels less "claustrophobic" and more "effortless" than writing notes on paper or typing on my computer. (I could make a video of all the things I do.)
I hope the video is at least the teeniest, tiniest bit helpful. I know it’s so hard, particularly when our bodies struggle to tolerate advice. I tried to make this somewhat tolerable!
If you don’t know what I’m talking about when I say PDA, these videos might be helpful…
This one is about the 10 Traits of PDA:
th-cam.com/video/1Uq1n8UQ3hc/w-d-xo.html
In this one I watch Paige Layle’s TikToks about being PDA and talk about when I first discovered the profile:
th-cam.com/video/8bKavXJa524/w-d-xo.html
Here I talk about what PDA actually FEELS like, because so much of the info online is about externalised PDA:
th-cam.com/video/bO6Nua9jkBQ/w-d-xo.html
And, finally, this one is taking a 50-question-long PDA test with me:
th-cam.com/video/XTdx_oSjLBs/w-d-xo.html
Thank you so so much for being here. I’m hoping at some point I can start posting more frequently than once per week. I have sooo many video ideas rattling around my little brain!! 💛💛💛
Posting more frequently sounds like a demand 😂 but, if you’re up for it I’m sure we’ll all be here! Keep up the great work, wait, that sounded like a demand as well…so all I can say is I hope you continue to enjoy creating content for us! And have a great week.
I’m audhd and I don’t believe I’m PDA profile, though I’ve not gone through any process to verify.
But, watching this, there’s perhaps a bit of an underlying humor to the observation of someone with a PDA profile telling others with a PDA profile to do something. Food for thought.
@@Warspite03But if her demand is one, can she pull one over on herself by doing more? :^3 “Ha HA! Take THAT, me!”
Your good, it’s done in an honest none judgemental way. Too many therapists bullying type languages your is advice I’d give myself and realistic. Doesn’t mean we will face it. With depression and anger at the moment my desire to cook has gone to ratshit. So had salads snd snacks not to say salads are bad but I had chicken nuggets and Crisps and sausage and chips, days before. Not the healthiest but depression and burnout behind the scenes does what it does
I think I’m more defiant in a righteous sense of justice. Than I am pda but there is bits of it and depression snd aging make it harder
Latin teacher here. “Perfect” comes from the Latin word “perficere” which means “to finish, complete, carry out” NOT “to make flawless.” “Finished” is all we need to go for to attain “perfect,” if we think about the etymology of the word. 😊
Love this sooo much!! Thank you 💛💛💛
This helps so much
Cool. Pretty awesome. Oh wait... language changes it's meaning on how it's used and the only thing that matters is how a word is used and not what the dictionary says. Those of you paying attention will notice "Cool, pretty, and awesome" were all used "wrong"
Prescriptivism screws over autistic people more than anything else does when it comes to learning how to communicate with people.
This is incredible, tyvm for the kind words 🖤
I studied Latin. Note the _perfect_ tense, wherein the adjective is indeed an example of the interpretation then in use.
This is found in the roots: _Per_ (through) + _facere_ (to do/make).
However, languages change over time. They evolve. (Sometimes they progress; sometimes, arguably, they pejorate.)
In this case, we have taken the view that to complete something is indeed to rid it of error as far as possible.
(For example, when in the Qur'an Allah tells us, "I have perfected your faith for you," He means that He has completed it. However, He also means that He has removed from it all that falls short of His standard, which is beyond all possibility of reproach.)
Classical etymology notwithstanding, that is the sense in which we now understand perfection.
I've got ADHD, and similar to "done is better than good" I often tell myself "Anything worth doing is worth doing half way" to get myself to start a task. I think that's the best piece of advice I've ever heard.
That's an amazing phrase!! Love it!
That's a great mindset. I'm gonna try remembering this, thank you!
I remember hearing something similar.
"It's better to half ass a task than not do it at all"
@@absolutelegobuilds Takes the pressure off when you're a perfectionist.
@@absolutelegobuildsliterally a personal motto of mine.
The best piece of advice I ever heard for my neurodivergent brain is "anything worth doing is worth doing poorly." It may not apply for absolutely everything, but vast majority of demands that I face don't warrant the amount of stress and anxiety I give myself. Not to mention, having something done poorly is usually preferable to being paralyzed by perfectionism and never touching the task. If I start a task with the mindset of doing it poorly, I generally still get it done perfectly adequately, but the little act of rebellion makes getting it done far easier and sometimes even a bit fun.
One of my dear friends has the saying "C's get degrees" which hit me really hard since it took me like 13 years to get a college degree (arguably I switched countries and schools and majors a lot), due in part to my perfectionism (I got all A's and just one B when it came to the final degree), and my idea that I had to get a degree in something "hard" rather than something I enjoyed and knew a lot about already. I at least finally gave myself permission to get the degree I wanted, not the one I "should" get... But doing things to max spec is still a very serious vice that I have to put aside every day. And you are right --- that permission to do things adequately has made a world of difference.
I love this! I long ago internalized the "...worth doing well" version of this saying, and that's been a catastrophe lol. Going to replace it with this version starting now.
Yeah this doesn't work for me lol. I figure "Why do the thing at all if it's poor?" Also, that time could be spent doing something else such as napping or staring at my ceiling... which I end up doing.
yes. "anything worth doing is worth doing poorly" is something one of my first therapists said. I really need to remind myself of it more often. It's so easy to get caught up in the black and white thinking and perfectionism without even realizing it.
@Heyu7her3 Not OP, but thats where we differ i guess. I am always trying to learn (because i like learning), and there's paraphrased sayings about "if you aren't willing to be bad at something, you will never be good at it". Don't take this as me saying you are wrong for the way you approach things, but this is my perspective.
The advice "Fake it till you make it" caused the worst burnout in my life. That was about 7 years ago and I haven't gotten better. It was really great advice, until it wasn't.
I had the same thing happen. There must be some way to figure out when it is reasonable to push yourself a bit, and what is too damned much, but if so I have no idea how. I could kind of tell I was pushing too much, but I still cant look back and tell if there was an amount that would have been okay. It sure as hell disabused me of the notion that pushing through the pain makes me more resilient. Stress does permanent damage.
Yeah I never understood that one. It just fundamentally sounds like bad advice, and I don’t like lying, or masking
One thing about PDA that I find really strange is that if I'm planning to do something and then someone tells me to do that thing then I won't want to do that thing anymore, because then it's assumed that I did the thing because I was instructed and not because I made the decision to do it myself.
I USED TO NOW I DONT LISTEN SINCE MY MOM MAKES ME STAY AT HOME ALL DAY BY DEPRESSING ME AND IM ALREADY DYING HERE
@@bushraa6527WHY ARE YOU SCREAMING?
@@MaximusLongusWHAT IS GOING ON WHY ARE WE ALL SCREAMING
@@str4nger-d4ngerOH U LOVE THIS COMMENT SECTION I WANTED TO JOIN IN ON THE SCREAMING DJSJSJ(≧▽≦)
like frrr and the already exhausting thing i was supposed to do becomes ten times more exhausting
Oh the "lights out struggle". That one is so hard, even though I know the lack of sleep is going to tank me the next day. "Revenge bedtime procrastination" is a Japanese concept of avoiding bedtime to prolong the time leading to the next work day. You are shorting yourself on sleep, trying to rebel against the reality that tomorrow will come, and you may have to go back to your daytime responsibilities. To me, this concept is so PDA 🙂. I do this. As though not going to bed is a rebellion against tomorrow's responsibilities.
It’s getting harder and harder to do anything. I just get paralyzed.
Omg you explained it soo well i struggle with this so much
god the interview one hit so hard
i pretend im streaming and when i get angry at a thing im doing you'll hear me go "ARE YOU SEEING THIS CHAT??? CHAT IS THIS REAL?????" and that scratches the same itch
Oh man... what you said about holidays is exactly how weekends are for me. Every single weekend is just two days straight of stress and anxiety because I know I'm supposed to somehow use that time to catch up on chores and "recharge", but two days isn't enough time to catch up on chores and I don't even know how to recharge, and the clock starts ticking the moment I wake up on Saturday morning, so I spend most of the weekend paralyzed and I'm a total wreck by Sunday night.
When I was down the "am I autistic?" Rabbit hole 3 years ago, I was having issues with the fact that I didn't hit all the points. But then I saw a video of a teen explaining what PDA felt like from inside, and it was so accurate I cried. I do the headphones while cleaning thing, and have been using the "done is better than perfect" quote for about a year now, its quite helpful
I have one tip was not mentioned: instead of telling myself "I have to get up" I instead say "I have to sit here and feel my body" just switching that narrative allows me to chose which option I want to do. Sometimes it feels like a release of pressure and I can enjoy sitting there instead of being angry at myself for not doing something. Other times it will allow me to stand up when previously I was unable to move.
I also found this works for book/movie/game recommendations from friends. If they say "I really think you will like it" or "you have to check it out!" I feel so much pressure. I feel this demand to like the thing and my brain catastrophizes what will happen if I don't enjoy it. If they say "I am not sure it is your thing but I really liked it" I am more likely to try it. So sometimes I have my friend jokingly say "it is awful don't try it" after giving a recommendation and that takes the pressure off.
Lmao I feel the same way, i never understood why other people say "you will LOVE this" and expect me to agree 😂
I like the way you describe this. It makes it (PDA) seem like a dance or an art form: complicated, yet possible, and potentially beautiful.
Yes. I think what you are talking about is using reverse psychology on yourself! It's the brave PDA person that will give it a go, though.
Thinking about your method some more… it’s a bit like code switching, but within. It gives you a choice, more freedom to move or to stay. Anyway, I like it.
“I have to sit here and feel my body” sounds kinda… gross… am I the only one?
Can I not just sit here and not try to “feel” anything, because I’m self aware enough as is
A big challenge for me is starting a task because i can't pick a place to start. I tell myself, "I'm starting in the middle," and suddenly my hands start filling papers or potting plants, etc... It's a magical experience!
"who doesn't have fantasies about getting interviewed about their opinions?"
*laughs and smiles while internally screaming*
i read this comment while i was "interviewing" myself speaking in front of my imaginary audience lmao
i do that so often i make myself cringe every time 😭
For what it's worth, my reaction to the original video was, "Oh yeah, that resonates...I'll do something about it later."
D'oh.
I have to pause immediately and thank you profusely for a) using “self acceptance” instead of “self compassion,” and b) giving me permission to NOT love myself. I have the same feelings and always have: loving oneself is not objective, and objectivity is important to me. In return, I will share my concept for the week, which is “positivity shaming,” where someone (like self help gurus or some therapists) who is just naturally very positive tries to convince me that I CAN be a font of positive emotions, and it will change my life. They mean well, but since that is not me, and it is not an outlook that grounds me, rather than making me feel “I can do this!” -- it makes me feel like not being "positive enough" means I’m broken. Which is not exactly self acceptance.
I agree! "Toxic Positivity" is absolutely a real phenomenon.
@@nailati Someone sent me a TED talk on depression at one point, and in it the speaker described an experiment someone tried, where they had a group of people with clinical depression, and a control group, each play some game without keeping score. At the end, they asked the members of each group how they thought they did. The depressed people assessed their scores fairly accurately. The people in the control group consistently thought they scored better than they actually did. :)
I would rather be inaccurate than depressed though.
Positivity shaming. I'm stealing that if you don't mind. It's not even deliberate I reckon, just ... inconsiderate / poorly thought through. If I'm feeling crap and there's not really any clear reason for me to feel better, then how is gaslighting myself that I'm great going to help? It just holds up more of a mirror to the actual situation and having the contrast of "how I should/could be feeling if I was a normal person" laid bare against how I am actually feeling as a not-normal person stings so much harder and, yes, brings on the feelings of brokenness, when before I was maybe just generally a bit dysphoric / dysthymic. How shamefully rubbish are you if you can't even bully yourself into being happy? 9_9
I tell those people that being a pessimist actually makes me a happier person than they are. Because no matter what happens, I'm either pleasantly surprised, or I'm right. Whereas their chirpy outlook on life leaves them open to devastation. I still enjoy when things go well, and I'll keep trying if it makes logical sense to do so, I just don't hold any expectations that everything will turn out for the best. Statistically that's only going to happen half of the time anyway.
I'm autistic and your videos made me feel way better thank you 🙏
Very much agreed 😊😊😊
Your tricks to beat PDA are actually good for everybody that has a tendency to procrastinate. And we all procrastinate at some moments and in some ways.
Your video on PDA made my entire life make sense. I had suspected that I have autism but that video was quite literally like you had stepped into my head to explain everything for me. This video even has made me sigh of relief. I’m allowed to be myself and others understand me. I’ve been stuck for months now and this video really gave me hope. Thank you so much for helping.
Yes! I felt the same way! It's such a relief to hear my whole world explained.
Agreed. It's amazing to know that other people struggle with this, and to have a different label to put on it other than "I guess I'm just an asshole" lol
@@nailati right!! i always thought like “dang maybe i just have anger issues, i’m a bitch, etc” it all makes so much sense now
Had the exact same experience!!
Same here, it's so cool having someone put into words all the stuff you've gone through in life and be like "This?? This right here??? There WAS a reason for why you did it and it doesn't make you completely mad in the head!"
a tiny thing that has helped me sometimes was when i heard "if there's something you need to do but hate doing, do it faster so it's over faster!" which like, can't apply to everything, but when i'm really struggling to shower or brush my teeth or something, i'm like 'oh yeah, i let me speed run this' 😂🤣 especially since 90% of the time (!) the struggle actually lies in STARTING the task, and once it's happening i don't feel the same need to rush to end it hahaha
The worst part of discovering I have this pattern is realizing how much I avoid demands I make of myself. As someone forced into searching for self-employment, it's a nightmare. Thank you so much for this video!
I totally get the "self love" thing feeling inauthentic, but I came across a good description of it by Heidi Priebe recently that made it make a lot more sense to me.
Imagine you have a child (maybe you actually do) or a niece/nephew/nibling that you care about. Presumably you love them. You love them when they're cute and adorable and thriving, and you still love them when they're struggling or angry or sad or when they mess up. You love them even though they're flawed, because everyone is flawed. You accept them for who they are. In fact, your love might come out more strongly when they're struggling or feeling bad or feeling ashamed. You probably want to encourage them. You might tell them that life's hard and everyone struggles sometimes and that's ok. You might tell them that it's ok to screw up, that they shouldn't beat themselves up because everything screws up. You might encourage them if they're feeling down. You might do some extra things for them or allow them some extra space if they're feeling overwhelmed. You might tell them that they can come to you if they need to talk or need a shoulder to cry on.
Would you do that for a someone your own age?
Now ask yourself if you'd do that for yourself. Would you give yourself empathy if you feel down or sad? Would you tell yourself that honest mistakes happen to everyone, and that you should try to make amends where you can, learn from your mistake, and then move on as best you can? Would try to give yourself extra space or get yourself extra support when you're struggling? Would you seek out a supportive person to listen to you or give you a shoulder to cry on? Would you accept yourself for who you are, flaws and all? The idea of self love is not to stoke your ego - "Love ya champ! You da best! Get it monarch!" - it's to give yourself the acceptance and support and space and grace that you need when you need it. In many ways self love is that deep self acceptance.
No im not good at conflicts
I felt a surge of relief at your dismissal of “love yourself”. That’s exactly how I feel, and I thought I was broken because of it.
It sounds controversial (dismissing "love yourself"), but thinking about it in the context of love-as-a-feeling vs love-as-an-action makes more sense. You can't always shoehorn yourself into having the warm fuzzies about yourself (or anything), but you can always acknowledge your dignity as a human and child of God and treat yourself like another "other": not selfishly, but with the same compassion and acceptance we would normally reserve for others, while still acknowledging and validating what our feelings may be trying to indicate to us
@@nonamelegend_vaporto many of us, the thought of “loving yourself” or “being proud of yourself” is husr foreign, and I get extremely uncomfortable by it
I want others to like me, I think i deserve rights, I think some parts of my body look good, but I don’t think of “me” as “someone” you know?
Sorry im full on rambling here, but I had no idea other people felt the same until today
While i don't think I have PDA (I generally don't get angry at requests), I'm watching this for strategies on how to deal with the paralyzing anxiety/gloom that I feel around getting started on tasks that I dislike or things that seem complicated. My therapist always attributed this to my anxiety/depression/perfectionism, though I'd characterize myself as a "failed perfectionist", haha.
I also don't mind requests. Of course, they have to be requests, not demands, and I have to be on board with the why... I am happy to help a friend clean their home if they are going through something, but I am definitely not happy to clean up after roommates or partners as a matter of course, for example.
I am still a bit on the fence as to whether it's PDA or anxiety, but the overlap is real, and I think looking at childhood and seeing if, say, you asked "why?" a lot when your parents demanded you do something, was present then. That may disambiguate things for you. It did for me -- I was absolutely not happy to do things because anyone "said so", and I was also much happier doing things on my own time and at my own speed. And this was true when I was like, two years old. And I found it pretty astounding that most people were able to just "hop to" and follow orders, or do things just because they were asked to.
'failed perfectionist' oh noooooo
another set of words to put reality directly in my face
my condolences.
Your use of home videos is really cool and helped me identify a few things about my own childhood behaviors!
I'm so glad it's helpful!
God, I wish I had videos of myself as a child. Or even that my parents were still alive so I could ask them if I remember correctly or just imagine I was doing something.
I love the imagination tip! I do that too. When I make myself wash dishes, I imagine I’m at Hogwarts from Harry Potter and create a scene in which I’m washing dishes as part of the story. It makes it bearable. I’m okay once I start the task, just getting started is hard.
Omg now i get why sometimes its fine to do stuff and sometimes it gets really hard lol like thise fine times are when im imagining im in a game and controlling my hands like through some imaginary game controller and stuff if it makes sense loll but yeah ill start doing this more consciously i think that'll make it easier
Something I tell myself when I'm procrastinating and avoiding doing something is "just do it and it's done". Somehow that works for me as it pushes me to want to get the task over and done with.
Every time I have doubts about whether or not I’m autistic I always come back to PDA because there is Nothing else that explains the way I am quite like it, and your videos about it make me feel so seen. Thank you so so so so much, you’ve seriously changed my life!! 💛💛💛
Chores are especially hard for me not only because they are a demand, but also because i really don't have the patience and i progressively get more and more irritated while i do them. But remeber guys, we don't have to necessarily finish a task right then and there. We can take brakes and do them in doses! 😂
Exactly! I sometimes like to give myself time limits. I'll just clean for 10 mins etc
Same!
I just gone rougue . I need to clean my home and been for procrastinating for months now.
Yes to impatience and irritability! ADHD seems to be the biggest component for me where impatience is concerned...I discovered that on meds I can do the dishes without going: “oh god, there’s another one...and another...and another!!” 😂
Some of the best advice I have seen is exactly that: just give yourself a time limit "I'll do this for 10 minutes" and then set an alarm and actually stop so you train yourself that the chore won't go on forever just because you started it. And especially when it comes to cleaning, those chores are never fully finished, so it feels like you are constantly having to do them, and are always at a deficit.
I loved this video! The hardest thing I found is demand avoidance related to hobbies/interests. Similar to what you said about going on holiday, I think its partly due to the expectation of having to have a good time. So it's usually much easier for me to work/study than it is to do my hobbies as there's no external deadline. I have all these hobbies and things that I want to do but doing them is just so hard, I usually just do what I "have" to do instead. Would love if anyone has experienced this and how they deal with it! Because while feeling the fear and doing it anyway works for things I have to do, when I try and apply it to my hobbies is just saps the fun out of it :/
I want to know too. My jaw dropped when she said that, this is the thing that has been driving me insane
This is for a different reason but I avoid doing hobbies because if I get too much into them I can't stop doing them even when I want to stop. Sometimes I won't stop to use the bathroom, eat or sleep. It is torture.
Oh absolutely. I was always so confused about why I felt like this, and I thought it was due to depression (losing interest in hobbies can be a symptom), but I actually think PDA makes more sense. I procrastinate doing things that I like to a degree that makes me angry at myself! I'd skip out on sports as a child and then be like, why did I do that, I love this sport! I had a period of time where I wondered if my hobies even still count as hobbies because I was doing them so rarely. I haven't touched my ukulele in months.
I haven't found a lot of great strategies to overcome this. Sometimes it happens organically because a certain thing suddenly really hooks me into it. I got a new book and I immediately need to read all of it!! I found this super cool crochet pattern (proceeds to crochet for 2 days straight), but that's not reliable.
With some things, I just need to push through the initial effort. For example, going to a dance class. I need to muster up the strength to actually go there, but once I did that, I'm there and I'm not gonna leave now.
And maybe the most helpful thing is, modifying something/picking the lower-demand "version" of your hobby. I like drawing, but often times doing a full detailed digital piece is just too much pressure. So instead I doodle in my notebook for a bit. Sometimes I'll get into it and end up doing a more elaborate piece, and sometimes I don't and that's okay too.
I hope you find this a little helpful at least! Anyway, it's nice to know other people experience it as well.
I tend to just set alarms for like 30mins or an hour, so then it's like I have a deadline. And it's not boring for me either because I allow myself to get absorbed in the hobby because I know my alarm will bring me out of it.
Obviously this may or may not work for you, and it's not something you have to try if you don't want to. However, if you did want to and you haven't already, it might be worth a try.
I have similar but i think executive dyafunction plays a big role. All day I feel like I am waiting to draw or play work on my music. I schedule these activities weekly, 2 days in a row each. But when it's time to do what I want, it's so intense, it feels like too hard to start. I circle around it, slowly getting together the supplies. If I can get around to it I can focus so intensely but I feel like I just don't have enough time and I don't feel at home with it because it's like, I only have 2 hours per week to do this it's a lot of pressure sincei have projects I want to get done but sometimes it seems so slow
I think you have such an important point when it comes to just doing the thing through the anxiety. One of the most dysfunctional things I have seen people do in my life, and that I have done myself, as well, is to just give in to the paralysis. Because also, the less you do, the less you will do. As you refuse more and more things, it becomes harder and harder to try anything that induces any kind of anxiety. I have seen people become complete recluses because of that... I was so very lucky to have had people in my life (beginning with my amazing parents), who would acknowledge my stress (like when about to rip off a plaster -- they didn't sit there and berate me for feeling anxious about it, or belittle me for feeling pain) and then encourage me to do it anyway, and that they would be there to dry my tears and celebrate my victories. Many of us haven't had that as children, but you can do this for yourself, and recruit friends and therapists to help. You can be there for yourself, and acknowledge that what you are doing is hard, and then tell yourself that there is likely a reward on the other end (if nothing else that you have tried something new), and continue to challenge yourself while giving yourself permission to be scared, and acknowledging that sometimes things don't work out (even if you are prepared and/or "the best" at something) and that's okay. Life is actually a lot of chances. A lot of failures. A lot of missteps and re-evaluation. It's okay to falter and fail. We all do.
I'd never even head of PDA until about a year ago--it's not an official diagnosis in the US--but as soon as I did, I really resonated with certain aspects of the diagnosis. Watching this video, I identify with so much of it. It makes sense to me and my life. I'm late-diagnosed autistic, also diagnosed ADHD as a teenager, and I've always resented being told what to do... even by myself, even when it's things I WANT or need to do. It's starting to make so much sense now. I have a lot of trouble getting things done, but these tricks look like they might be really helpful.
When I was about 12, I went to another girl's house and saw a little scheduled list of chores, homework and rest her mother did to her, everything timed from the time she woke up to the time she went to bed. I had a feeling of anxiety mixed with anger and felt lucky my parents didn't do the same to me. I pittyed the girl and wanted to help her but couldn't.
I wondered how was it possible to be so obedient? I would never go along with that, no matter what you take away from me to bargain.
As children you don't have much choice. Supposed to be prisoners.
@@psmith6512 Yeah, people don't usually give much voice to children.
That sounds nice, to have such a detailed concise list
That may just cause I’ve had a list of the school day for myself for like 7 years or something
Ugh. I ignore those now.
I relate a lot to the idea of "tricking" your PDA-perhaps conceptualized as a playful strategy rather than a combative one.
For instance, tiny changes in language, like "I COULD work on xyz" rather than "I SHOULD work on xyz", can disarm my inner resistance to a seemingly disproportionate extent.
It took me many years to learn this about myself, because it seems "dumb" and like it shouldn't work, but in hindsight it makes so much sense as viewed through the lens of PDA.
I recovered from burnout over years and still couldn't do anything. Especially for a job... Was such a confusing, lost feeling. Your videos helped me realise it could be PDA and you've literally improved my whole sense of self. Thank you so much ❤
Finding these videos has been a revelation for me, and I can’t thank you enough for sharing.
I burned out with employment a few years ago at the age of 27, and I could NOT explain why. I couldn’t explain why every time I went to a shift at ANY job, no matter how low effort it was, I felt like I was emotionally and psychologically being crushed to death. And why after 4 or so months at every job I’ve ever had I would start having anxiety attacks. Just having to get out of bed and go to a job was enough to cause a complete meltdown. And I just didn’t understand WHY.
After my ADHD diagnosis, I started evaluating my experiences through the ND lens. I had ideas about why every work environment was so stressful for me, like sensory overstimulation and masking, but the BIGGEST part of the problem was just this FEELING. This invisible weight that I couldn’t explain or understand, smothering me. And as I’ve been going through my health journey, people in my life keep asking me these questions trying to understand why I am perusing disability, like they’re trying to decide if its really justified. And while I have a lot of conditions and reasons to pursue disability, these conversations make me feel like I can’t breathe, because the biggest hurdle for me is this invisible thing that I couldn’t explain. When I explain my other issues I hear a lot of “maybe you could do {this}” or “in the future, {this} might become a possibility” and eventually I get to the point where I can feel my heart racing and I just want to scream “NO NO I CAN’T I JUST CAN’T AND I DON’T KNOW WHY, PLEASE DON’T MAKE ME!” But that isn’t a socially acceptable response, so I just sit there and try to explain the struggles of ADHD in hopes of appeasing them. It’s SO invalidating and SO exhausting and I just know people don’t understand.
Your videos… holy s***. Learning that this isn’t just a me thing, that this is an actual PHENOMENON, a CONDITION that has been observed and studied, with explanations and evidence… this is amazing. I feel SEEN, for this debilitating thing that even I couldn’t understand. Now I have the language to help other people understand it too. THANK YOU, SO SO MUCH.
This is so very interesting! Upon your suggestion, I took the tests on Riko's page, and scored pretty high on both. I have in the past taken pretty much all the ASD tests I could find, and also score high on them. I am 47, and never got a formal diagnosis for ASD, but was finally diagnosed ADHD at age 42, despite spending years at the child psychiatrist's office as a child, because I was *extremely* weird. Of course, that was the early eighties, and girls were rarely diagnosed with ASD or ADHD, so that played a huge part. I was also hyper verbal, hyperlexic, and quite affectionate -- all symptoms that pretty much excluded you from the ASD diagnosis at the time.
I thank my lucky stars every single day that my parents were really great with me, giving me lots of autonomy while providing me with structure and keeping me away from danger as much as possible with a kid so driven to do their own thing. They were willing to explain every rule, and let me poke holes in it ad nauseam. I am also super grateful for Montessori school, because I was stifled by traditional kindergarten, and would probably have burnt myself out completely in a traditional elementary school. Once I got to middle school, I definitely had more coping skills and was able to put up with it, though there were a lot of little tricks, and things my parents and teachers didn't understand. I so clearly remember going to the library to find books on assigned subjects, rather than reading the assigned chapter in our books. Or steadfastly refusing to do assignments I found stupid or boring, or too repetitious. You couldn't get me to read a book or watch a movie twice, despite my abiding love for cinema and writing. I eventually dropped out of high school at sixteen, after being held back a year, and made up for three years of coursework in a year by just studying myself. And I completely failed math because I decided I was gonna get the highest possible marks in everything else so that I wouldn't have to touch that subject I so disliked. I got to study mostly on my own schedule (though I did have a commitment to 4 hours a day, which I generally did in the morning when there weren't other fun things to do out in the world) and wherever I wanted (so many mornings sitting in the park under a tree reading books!). When I later tried to go to university and had to jump through all kinds of hoops, as well as be present at each and every lecture, I really couldn't do it. It took me probably 7 years to figure out how to get myself through higher education, and it started with doing just one course per semester, and, yep, by working not only on my own schedule, but working ahead so as to have an out for bad days or weeks and not feel too pressured. And when I went full time it was incredibly hard until I got recognized as disabled (for my depression), and had letters I could use to get out of class or turn in assignments late. I rarely used them, but just knowing I *could* and that I didn't have to save my one excused absence a semester for a day when I had pneumonia and literally couldn't stand, was so liberating and made me able to work quite hard while not feeling like the world was on the verge of ending every day.
I, too, have mostly worked for myself, and it is truly the only way I can really function without burning out. TBH, that is not only the pressure, but also the fact that I generally do not get along with people in workplaces -- small talk, having to keep up with fashion and pop culture to "fit in", not mentioning a lot of the "strange" interests and lifestyle choices I make, sensory issues from clothing and noises... All of it. I worked really hard on finding a career that allowed me to work from home and somewhat at my own pace, and my whole life fell apart when that profession basically became obsolete and the jobs available were severely under-paid (I was a translator and interpreter). I am now in a phase of my life where I find it incredibly hard to find a new career, between choice paralysis and just the pressure of having to do something that I am not sure I like or that may require me to go out in the world...
But watching your videos and reading up on PDA and other autistic traits has definitely led me to increased self-acceptance, as well as learning new strategies to short-circuit some of my odd behaviors. And it honestly feels fantastic to know that it's not just me. I remember having class mates, especially in university/college who had two jobs, went to school full time, had three kids, and volunteered in their free time, and thinking "they are either lying, or I am a complete and utter failure as a person". It has felt very lonely and I have judged myself very harshly for this stuff, and knowing there are others who feel the same is so important. Now I do my "mandatory" two things a day with the knowledge that I am not alone, not deficient, and certainly not doomed to just live out my life unfulfilled and jobless.
21:00 Living life with PDA has always felt like I'm walking through thick underbrush with thorns sprinkled in. I never *feel* right when I do stuff, but I don't have anyone else who might do something with or instead of me, so I just have to power through.
That's such a great description of how it feels. Thank you for sharing 💛
22:45 #12 Demand Free Time
It goes nicely with Wait But Why's idea of the Dark Playground, where instead of just taking demand free time, and actually enjoying ourselves, we do other idle procrastinating activities like doom scrolling.
Number 7 is probably the one I resonate with the most. Before I found out I might be autistic, I never understood why I have always had a visceral reaction to doing things when asked to vs when I choose “I’m going to do this”, and especially how any small presence can make tasks easier. I’ve always found having company while showering, doing dishes, folding laundry etc has made it 1000x easier. I used to have my brother talk to me through the door when I showered and as an adult, I would call someone or have my fiancé come in and keep me company or shower with me. When doing dishes I would call friends or have my brother dry them, now I have my fiancé talk to me on the phone when he’s on break or hang out in the kitchen with me. Just having someone present and there helps me forget how daunting so many things seem.
I think where I am struggling the most is convincing others that I have autism and not just severe social anxiety. I relate so much to PDA it makes me want to cry to know I’m not lazy or overall stubborn. But I don’t have an autism diagnosis and no one in my family or close friends see that I’m autistic. I’m not sure if (a) I hide it well, (b) they don’t understand actual autism and not the older profiles of “typical” autism, or (c) I’m not actually autistic but I identify because I am ND with a different diagnosis. I guess my question to anyone who can relate is: is autism mostly an anxiety based ND? I know many traits are based in anxiety and anxious behaviours. But experts are also saying that PDA is only a diagnosis under an autism diagnosis not other ND diagnoses. Social anxiety falls under an ND umbrella but if PDA is anxiety based, doesn’t that mean others with anxiety could experience PDA and not be autistic but severely anxious? My head is spiralling lol and these are all questions people might not have answers to.
Thank you for your videos, I have been able to relate so much to many of your experiences as a 28 year old female. It has been a help for me mentally this summer!
I'm no authority but I relate so much... I vividly remember trying to explain PDA to my best friend, before I even knew it existed.
I said: "I don't usually struggle with a lot of stuff. Or maybe I'm just slow and I don't realise it. But the same things, when asked to do it or being watched I freeze up. Maybe I feel less allowed to be slow? But I can't move and usually someone else has to do it for me."
He said it was social anxiety.
I can say for a fact I don't have social anxiety.
I talk to strangers sometimes and say stuff often to get a funny reaction out of people or just speak in riddles where the only valid answer is that what I said makes no sense lol. So in this moment I remember being so confused... it was something I couldn't answer my entire 20 years of life until like a few days ago.
Asking if autism is anxiety based, I feel like is more difficult to answer because everyone has an ultimately isolated understanding of anxiety. You could say every decision a person makes is anxiety based. Everyone avoids anxiety to an extent. But it's important to not have that overshadow those with anxiety disorders.
I don't think anxiety defines autism itself. Especially when traits of autism don't disappear with lowered anxiety. Given freedom to not mask and be in a safe place I feel like the tendencies actually increase.
But I think the diagnosis is anxiety based! Usually people seek diagnosis as a reason to explain all the anxiety they deal with. At least thats how it worked for me. Then hopefully leading to a result where diagnosis leads to reduced anxiety. Where less anxiety actually allows people more freedom to simply be themself.
I think its incredibly interesting to think about autism relating to anxiety. I am so glad to finally see a place where people casually bring up stuff I hated so much and never believed others could understand...
There is a ton of overlap between anxiety and autism, and of course autism and ADHD (so much so there are researchers who are trying to reclassify ADHD as one of the ASD presentations).
I finally got diagnosed at 42 with ADHD and wondered how it got missed. Probably cause I was AFAB and it was the early eighties, but, I mean, I was known as "The Earthquake" *lol*
Anyway, I think it is very much a chicken or the egg problem, because (especially undiagnosed and/or untreated) NDs can cause anxiety, which then makes living in the world harder. So one of the things I (and many clinicians) look at is "when did this start?" I have always been this way -- and I can remember quite far back. I often struggled to find a defining moment, some trauma that caused me to be this way, and I was always like "did I repress some memory?" until I realized I was ND. Sure, I was bullied in childhood cause I was so weird, but the weird came first. And while many children chose to adapt to social pressure, I literally couldn't. Like at some point we moved back to Italy, which is mostly Christian, and my family was atheist and raised me as such. And because I was tired of the bullying I figured a fresh start and pretending to be more like others would help me gain acceptance. I studied Catholicism, and learned when to cross myself and all that -- but I just couldn't pretend. It wasn't that I was bad at performing as a Catholic -- it simply felt wrong and caused me all kinds of distress to lie.The charade lasted less than a few months, and I just gave up on pretending to be "normal."
Another defining feature is related: this is part of who I am as a person. I don't have social anxiety -- I am perfectly comfortable with the family and friends who accept me (and are mostly ND themselves). There are people I fit with. But there are also lots of people who give me turbo anxiety: for example, when words don't match actions, or when they refuse to make small concessions to my sensitivities (like turn off the TV while talking to me, or not wear a scent I dislike). I am not of the school that I just have to be taken as I am an not make concessions to the people around me -- I absolutely think it is a two-way street. And I also think it's helpful to try new things and expand your horizons, so for example I am very glad that my parents forced me to try eating a very wide variety of foods. Their approach may have been a little too forceful (the only scenes in our family were around meal times, pretty much), it has been really important to expand my palate, because I would have stuck to very few foods. But, ultimately, no matter how much I have tried, certain textures and flavors just don't agree with me. I don't do bitter -- period, in any form, for example. I have tried to acquire the taste -- it's just not a thing I can abide. And while I certainly have gotten "used to" fluorescent and overly-bright electric lighting, I will absolutely make sure the lighting is soft and pleasant to me in any kind of environment where I do have control over it. It has always been that way, and it always will be, I reckon.
I am writing very off the cuff here, while I myself am processing a bunch of information and still struggle to fully assert I am autistic because I don't have a formal diagnosis (yet), so I hope this makes sense.
I'm Audhd, diagnosed.
My climbing partner says I'm an extroverted-introvert: I'm perfectly able to function with others in social situations in regards to the stresses (though a coworker I disclosed to told me while I tend to do well one-on-one, in a group setting, say, lunch with several others, I clearly struggle to make things work) and I'm not at all full of anxiety in such situations. If I were, I'd not be able to do my job and interact with complete strangers (customers) with no warning, possibly having to tell them over a Teams call they're doing things wrong, or have various live meetings with people at work.
I work in tech. My formal training is electronics and robotics, though most of my career has been in software development as the primary focus. As such, I've got a lot of background to analyze the nature of autistic neurology and behavior (note: I was diagnosed unexpectedly in 2002, at 31) and I've had AI as a special interest since the late 80s. I've also got a solid understanding of the architectures of modern CPUs work, including speculative execution of instructions, for example, (most relevant here) including branch prediction. In a CPU that does branch prediction, that's usually in a looping scenario where the loop repeats more than once. The prediction, therefore, if it has executed enough times in a short time, is to loop again. Because of that, the CPU executes the start of the next loop, speculatively, on the basis of that prediction, as it may save time. It has a time cost if the branch prediction was wrong.
Autistic neurology and resultant behavior strongly resembles in so many aspects the same concept, where what was done most recently is what is optimized for the next operation, and it has a cost if there is a reason to break that: that provides a bit of stress that is felt. This looping of behavior and processing in general is autistic inertia, and the reason I unexpectedly found myself with a diagnosis, because I recognized whether I was in a high-energy state or the opposite for behavior, it was very hard to break out of it, all while having no emotional component, no depression, no mania, but it causes stress to change out of the loop. This goes to the pattern of sameness that's part of autistic life. Unplanned/unwanted changes cause stress because the autistic brain optimizes execution (and executive functioning has a cost of energy) for what it has been doing previously, and it's instinctive to use as little energy to live as possible.
So, no: social anxiety is perhaps a common thing that goes along for the ride, but I'd argue it's not even fully correct to say the resistance to change is anxiety as part of the nature, it's that depending on personality, one may develop greater anxiety dealing with change. What change does, is it causes mental caching to be flushed, and that's stressful and costs a meaningful amount of stress. I'm pretty laid back but there is ultimately a limit to how much things can randomly change before it gets to be too much. Being Audhd mitigates a bit of the rigidity, though I seem to do best with random novel stuff in a regularly scheduled and controlled environment.
PDA can also look like Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD). I don't know much about ODD but I heard that.
It used to be that only more obvious cases of autism were diagnosed. Now people can be diagnosed even if they don't show it as much.
I hope you can figure things out.
@@strictnonconformist7369 That's brilliant insight. I love your way of explaining your experience because abstraction and analogy is about the only way I can understand and/or describe. To see, and explain, parallels with machine learning (would what you are describing be called 'machine learning'?) is so illuminating.
Do you think ALL humans (maybe all lifeforms) are victims of branch prediction errors? Or is it the already non standard people that take the biggest hits and have the most false starts? Can we alter our own (probably flawed) algorithms so we are not trying to conserve energy by predicting and implementing past reactions before they are actually called for? I mean - is it the very act of branch prediction that's bad or is it the algorithms that branch prediction is using?
It's amazing how you have set it out. Thank you for putting the time in to explain your theory. :)
"What change does, is it causes mental caching to be flushed, and that's stressful and costs a meaningful amount of stress." I love it.
Also, good job getting in with AI on the ground floor! I am one of the people that is not afraid of AI (I'm really enthusiastic about how it might super charge our evolution towards something we may currently only dream of). I hope I don't get proven wrong. I am now closer to being ready to fuse with the hive mind :D !! Either it's God that's watching, and approving/disapproving of, me - or it's AI. Don't know. Always feeling like a subject in a 'study' is probably not healthy.
Were you, perchance, involved with the Sunderland fish (talking about the robotics)? I tried to promote, using the robotic fish, that area of learning to my son. He did go on to study computer science at university but, sadly, robotics had no part in it.
Edit: 'I am now closer to being ready to fuse with the hive mind.' ..... If it will have me :) .
Also, I reckon autistic spectrum people are a lot more embracing of AI than non autistic people. This whole idea that AI will take our jobs (well, let's face it, it will) and we will, consequently, end up fat/listless/pointless is wrong (for me). I believe the organic brain will always have the Promethean edge on AI and rather than having nothing to do we will just do new and different things. We'll keep finding new and different ways to evolve and be always just ahead of the AI nipping at the heels of our currently appropriate paradigms. We're on the brink of a really wild ride!
I absolutely feel the same about needing everything I do to have a bigger purpose than just "having fun" or else I struggle with guilt and it seeming too frivolous. I even rush through showers because taking my time to "indulge" while getting clean seems too frivolous and selfish (even though logically this makes no sense because my kids are grown adults and I work from home and set my own hours). To work through this illogical guilt, I just got an Xbox for my birthday (at the age of 44 LOL) and my "self-help therapy" is to play on it at least an hour a day for the sheer sake of having fun.
there was an interesting moment I had a few years back.
my car broke down as I was driving to work, which for most people would be highly stressful, but I basically built my cars, I have multiple in case one goes down unexpectedly, and I'm totally fine walking a few miles home if need be. so I actually felt really comfortable with this situation. I just called my boss, let her know I'd be a bit late, fiddled with the car I'd taken a bit, parked it in a safe spot, and started walking home to get the other car.
once I got in to work, however, there were weird new problems nobody foresaw that I was being asked to fix, and day to day situations I didn't like dealing with, and all of this was why I considered it fair that I was being paid. and it occurred to me that I was much more comfortable and at peace with everything when handling the broken down car than I was doing the normal life stuff that everyone expects me to comfortable with.
for me I don't think it's about control, really. because if I were truly in control then there wouldn't be a car breaking down that I have to repair, and there wouldn't be a 2 mile hike back to my house to fetch the other car. saying that's a situation where I feel in control is absurd. but it is a situation that I know very well how to handle, and it's a situation where mistakes only affect me.
at work I'm probably actually more in control, but I'm doing things that affect everyone, and I'm being forced to follow guidelines laid out by people who've never done these things themselves, so having a healthy skepticism that the situation can be handled as expected is just realistic.
so while people looking in at my life often accuse me of always wanting to be in control, that's not correct. in fact I'm extremely comfortable being out of control as long as I can trust that everyone will end up being safe and the vitally important parts of the desired outcome are likely to happen. or in other words, I really just have a problem with flagrant incompetence.
just this evening I found a snake in one of my quail cages, looking for eggs to eat. apparently when I removed her I left the door open long enough for a few of the birds to get out.
me and my daughter held the snake for a while, admiring her shiny scales, and released it away from the birds. then discovered the escaped quail. my daughter was very worried that they'd escape, but having been hand raised, only ever living in captivity, and wanting to stay near the birds still in the cage, I knew it was unlikely they'd go anywhere. so I just herded them back toward the cage, and slowly recaptured them one by one.
this is another situation where no element of it has me being in control, but it's a very calm and comfortable situation, because I know how to handle it. if I were in control there wouldn't be snakes eating the freshly laid eggs. if I were in control there wouldn't be domestic animals loose in the yard, vulnerable to hawks, or should they remain out after dark, owls and bobcats.
You have some good points.
I feel very similarly. The seemingly out of control moments are opportunities to take control especially when I know what to do and nobody else is involved.
I've been doing something like advice number two since my start in college, except slightly different, where I write what I have to do, and then just the date it needs to be done by! This is a daily process, because I also have 2 different highlighters. One for if I finish a task and another for when I'm for sure putting it off for another day. It really helps me keep track of my tasks without making me feel either controlled or unproductive! The extra highlighter really makes it feel okay to not do everything on the list at once!
I was doing this without even knowing about PDA and now I have an explanation for why this worked so much better than my previous to-do lists!
Thank you so much! I am in burnout and I know I want to and have the capability to work from home and have the career I want, but I’ve struggled so much. This has helped make so much sense of what I’m struggling with, and how I can tackle it without shaming myself or forcing myself into further burnout. You are an angel!! TYSM for your work!!! 🖤🖤🖤
YES! RP and chatting to myself both help me get things done. Answering my own questions also helps. Sometimes, I surprise myself.
I also recommend How To Keep House While You are Drowning as a good read for getting things done when you are overwhelmed.
It is borderline shocking to hear that one tactic is to pretend you are a character on TV. I don't know how I feel about that because I know how horrible it feels like to feel like I am watched at all times. I wouldn't want someone to develop the paranoia of feeling watched all the time like I have. I believe I feel this way because I am high masking and have trauma linked with not masking hard enough or correct enough in the past around peers. It developed into feeling like all my behaviors are being scrutinized by others even when I am alone. I feel mostly okay in my bedroom but everywhere else, even in my living room or my backyard, I feel like I am being monitored. I think it is similar to the concept of "internalized male gaze" when a woman feels like they need to be presentable to men all the time regardless of where they are or what they are doing. It feels like that but with my behavior not how I look. I guess you could call it an "internalized allistic gaze."
Oh I relate to that. I had the same thought about that strategy. I suppose the key is thinking it’s pretend, not real, but it still sounds so scary, for all the reasons you outlined. I resonated with Meg wanting to express her opinion, and yes, in the moment, I want someone to hear my thoughts, I process better that way too. After I actually put them out there to people, though, I tend to freak out. Why did I say that?? People will judge me...stuff like that.
Omg yes!! The reason I've had such a hard time doing chores or even cooking is because I live in a shared flat and the idea of someone watching me while doing it is horrifying! When I'm alone, it's a bit better, but I still relate to what you're saying about feeling watched all the time. I believe this is called "paranoid thinking" - this underlying feeling of being observed/scrutinized, despite knowing no one is actually watching, as opposed to paranoia, where you genuinely believe someone is watching/following/etc.
I think I would actually have an easier time cleaning while pretending I'm in my own apartment where no one cares how I do it lol
The top floor (the attic) of my three story cottage was my least observed place (which is daft because, technically, I can't be observed anywhere indoors). Had to move myself to the middle floor because I'm fifty three and my bladder demands proximity to the bathroom! I do feel much better way up top, though. And it's further away from the road and the traffic noise (I believe it's the noise that has me feeling like I'm right out there, roadside in a puddle of diesel, being watched and judged - I **** despise the traffic). The immediacy of that damned road.
So as an alternative you can think of it as ‘getting into character’ or ‘pretending to be someone else’ like someone you really admire, a celebrity, close friend whose always on top of things etc.
I totally understand the aversion to feeling as you’re being watched - one of the main reasons I had to leave university and give up my dream degree is because I couldn’t stand living in the dorms where I felt as though I had a thousand eyes on me and the constant threat of having someone walk into the kitchen or shared bathroom and judge/watch my behaviour and what I was doing. Even the thought now makes my skin crawl. I tried the share house thing too - hoping it would be less intense with less people but I fear it just made everything worse because then I felt the pressure to develop these really close relationships even with people I really didn’t like and then I had the pressure of a newer friend judging and watching my every move or someone I disliked potentially having a problem with me and my actions too. I can safely say since living alone my mental health has gone from recommended weekly psych appointments, high dose meds and constant skin crawling anxiety to where I’ve barely needed to see my psych for 12 months, I’ve completed 2 certificates/degrees, reduced meds and doses and I’m so much happier with just my life in general. I’ve started 2 moderately successful businesses that allow me to work from home and have been able to focus enough on my physical health to really make some improvements with my chronic illnesses. I truly didn’t realise how much the ‘living with other people’ thing was stressing me out until I wasn’t forcing myself to do that anymore!
Same here. I can't do ANYTHING while being watched - as myself. But weirdly, when I was in theatre, I didn't experience that same sensation while I was actually on stage, because the audience wasn't watching ME, they were watching my character.
So I can sometimes find it useful to imagine not so much that people are WATCHING me try to get things done, but that doing the things is "in the script." So if someone is present and might be watching, they're not watching ME but a scene. Sometimes I'll even pick someone else in the area and decide they're the main character and I'm an extra, so no one is actually paying attention to what I'm doing. I'm just there to add realism to someone else's big scene. It's a way of separating self from the gaze instead of internalizing the expectations of the gaze. I control when I perform, and as soon as I'm done, it doesn't matter what observers want from me.
Obviously not going to work for everyone, doesn't even always work for me, but I can sometimes get past the paranoia of being watched by pretending that the activity is supposed to be watched.
In hindsight I shouldve realized that hearing advice from others really fits PDA. And I wish I recognized that the apprehension towards this topic stemmed from that. I guess the blindspot comes from spending nearly a decade self constructing habits and introspective patterns of thought to try and stay in line for myself. I had to teach myself to accept advice, Ive come to deeply appreciate it because it lets me exercise sonder.
Its just felt like I disagreed with the profile because I dont give a shit about demands if theyre actually explained to me. They just have to make sense. Im even willing to capitulate and accept "Yeah its dumb but we gotta or else its our livelyhood."
Self acceptance is great. Embrace absurdity, do as you please as long you dont hurt, instead preferablly confuse others.
17:36 I think this is why I find working during 9-5 so stressful but working after hours (if I have the energy) actually kinda fun. I'm a software engineer so my main job is sitting in front of a text editor reading and writing code, but there's so many other small tasks that pop up during the work day like meetings or help questions or our service breaking and having to find a fix or needing to review other team members' code or having one of the juniors ask for help or see another small task that would take less than two hours to fix and then suddenly it's 5pm and haven't had any uninterrupted time to get done what I actually need to do! But as soon as it hits 5pm, there's no expectation to do those other things, so I'm free to sit down and mentally get into a task and push through for several hours uninterrupted. I've started actually starting my work day more around 10am, and then usually one night per week I'll work back late and get _so much done_ and it feels so good, and the hours roughly balance out on average.
Edit: Also the sense that I'm _choosing_ to work on this at this time, rather than this being what's _required_ to be done at this time. That whole demand avoidance thing. It's just so much less stressful making progress when I know I'm not _expected_ to be making progress at this exact time, but also still having that "deadline" of shame of not having completed the task yet to push the ADHD side of me into action at all (I don't have strict deadlines for most of my tasks but it doesn't look good to my manager if things aren't moving)
Your work day sounds so similar to mine and it's gotten much worse with the added distraction of "Teams" and Instant messaging. I used to start my "real work" at 5pm. But then during the first COVID outbreak, I started getting up early and doing my "real work" in the morning, 2 hours before my expected start time. This really helped me to push myself to get things done before my precious quality time was gone for the day. It also gave me the incentive that if I got certain things done by Wednesday, then on Thursday and Friday I could sleep in or goof off and start at my normal work time.
(sometime on the 6min mark) About the to-do list and putting more stuff that you can do: I remember reading/watching somewhere that the average person usually can tackle six to seven items maximum. So I'd expect any neurodiverse person to maybe tackle two to five items on any given day?? Depending on executive function, PDAing your way through the day...
Personally what works best for me is arrange to do half of any chore because I noticed my brain sometimes can go "urgh, no, don't do this anymore, I-hate-it-I-hate-it" halfway through so having a "way out" as you put it tends to make things more manageable!
That's a great idea!
For me (I have physical disabilities as well) I try to pick the most important thing to get done the next day and try to do that. One thing seems less overwhelming.
Role Playing is EXTREMELY helpful for me.
I'm 26. I still pretend to be my favorite cartoon character for a specific situation, or one of my own characters, to get around my PDA. For example, when i need to clean, i pretend to be Pearl from Steven Universe, because i imagine she loves cleaning.
I hope this doesn't come across as weird or inappropriate , (if it does, i am sorry.) but I have been following this channel for afew months now and I just wanted to say i really enjoy seeing your videos pop up on my notifications and I find your voice soothing.
It might just be my brain adding you into my weekly routine but I wanted to say thank you 😊
Life has been hard af recently but having you around makes me feel less alone ❤
11:28 Honestly thank you so much for including this part in the video! I used to (and still do sometimes) feel so weird about doing that sort of stuff to make mundane tasks easier to get through, like either pretending I'm an actor or a character in a show or book or pretending I'm being interviewed by someone while I'm talking to myself through an opinion / thought I'm having. Like I work at a gas station and regularly get through the day by pretending I'm in medieval times manning a trading post and all my customers are merchants, travellers, etc who are going off on D&D style adventures and are stopping at the trading post for supplies 😂
And you're so right, it really feels so silly and cringey but gosh darnit IT! WORKS!!!
These PDA geared videos have just been so, so helpful. Like there's such a disconnect for me when I read all the medical articles and such about it, but hearing it come from someone who actually lives through it and can really put into words the frustration and anxiety that comes with it really helps! It makes the label feel more comfortable for me and it makes all the little quirks I have and do to get through the day feel just a little less weird to do
"Done is better than good"
Literally brought a tear to my eye. I've wasted so much energy on perfectionism in my life. Lately I've been really trying to do a worse job at everything so I can have some of my mental health back
I just want to say how much I love your childhood videos. I don’t have the luxury of remembering my childhood much. We don’t have videos from the 1960’s. Mom is passed, Dad was busy. There were four of us. So, I am loving my early un-diagnosed self by loving you as a child. That was maybe me as a child. Or my free to be me self, if I wasn’t so shy.
Laugh with me...
Instead of showering, I decided to volunteer to make 3 ingredient vegan ricotta cheese (to use in Vegan Lasagna). 😂 I absolutely laughed in the moment too, because the novelty & fun-ness of the idea tickled my brain. 😊
I have such a hard time brushing my teeth, I finally ordered some finger brush/wipes to keep by my bedside.
I find it amusing that I do many of these things already (didn’t know about PDA until very recently when I discovered your channel and had my big Aha! moment about myself), things I slowly figured out the hard way that help. That loose approach to a to-do list and wearing headphones and listening to music or podcasts to help myself through tasks have been huge helpers for me.
This describes my inner world and my childhood. I pretended to be on a talk show to get my homework done. It's the first time in 35 years that I hear other people describe these same experiences.. I'm almost 1 year into research and 3 months into autism screening. Currently trying to beat the demand to finish my report, I've answered all the questions in my head, but actually typing and formatting (doing the work) is absolutely hell. :D
I'm PDA and my partner is PDA--WEEEEEEEEE... Fun times! (So is my mother) One thing I do sometimes to work with or manage my own PDA when I have a project to do--e.g. we renovate a 100-year-old wood craftsman-style house in Los Angeles, it's a lot of heavy DIY--is project preparation. I'll start just by planning, gathering the tools and materials, and staging those things where the main task or work must be done. Setting up for projects helps me segue into the actual getting whatever the project started. It gives me confidence because I'm confident that I'm prepared. Preparation is almost everything. Once I get started then comes my challenge is maintaining myself--food and hydration--and when to stop for the day. That aspect kind of drives my partner nuts, because I'm bad at taking care of myself once I dive in and dive deep. I tend to get into a flow state and get locked into that mode. That's a difference between me and my partner. I lock into a hyper-focused high-endurance flow state, she does not.
Thank you so much for this video, especially tip 10 and 11. I'm an autistic self-employed writer and often struggle to just start because I overthink even my regular work schedule and get frightened by it. But the bandaid analogy made so much sense for me, I try to incorporate it in my day.
If you say "F*** it" but actually the unbleeped word, the fact that you're swearing actually interrupts the brain's thought processes for 3 to 5 seconds. This allows you to then jump in and do whatever you need to do that you have a fear of doing, such as phone calls.
It works in the same way that you do it before your brain catches up.
A trick I use involves treating myself like another person. At night, before bed, I write a list of things I need to do the next day. I always include things I know I’ll do anyway to keep momentum. That way I feel like I’m still in control of what I’m doing, but I have a structure to operate in already, and don’t have to try so hard to motivate myself.
Wow I need to include things I do anyway too that's a great idea
Finding these vids on Demand Avoidance/Anxiety has been a large help. It's helped characterize a lot of things I'd thought of as Executive Dysfunction, and knowing why it can happen helps me SO much to negotiate with myself. Still working on figuring out some good ways to sort out larger projects, but it's progress.
This unlocked something for me: why the Pomodoro method was never looked effectual for me. Then I found a reddit post about this exact thing. Having trouble with transitions (AKA "context switching") as we do, there is no way in hell that starting and stopping every 20 mins or whatever can be any good.
I also struggle with feeling that i have to be doing something useful and productive constantly. Like i wouldnt have gone to a candle-making class or whatever people do, because it's a "waste of time" that would in no way contribute to my career or future. But that can be a CPTSD thing too.
I have done the whole doing something else that needs to be done to avoid doing another thing that needs to be done. I've always called it productive procrastination. 😅
Yesss!! 😂
Oh my goshhhhhhh self interview!! As soon as I’m alone in the house (and not working), it begins and it goes for literally hours. I never even considered that other people might do this so it caught me by surprise here, but I always have felt really ashamed that I do that, no one in my life knows about it cuz I find it super embarrassing, but now that I know it’s ok, maybe I can embrace it more 😊😊 I have so many opinions and not enough people who would be interested so this is the only outlet 😅
Advice as a demand, totalllllllyyyyy. F off with it!! I'm too busy navigating your world. Another good video thank you x
This is a great title! I’m a personal trainer and instead of advise I try to let clients know what has been helpful to me. Take it or leave it.
Unless I can tell they’re actually at risk of injury it’s a good idea to let people figuire it out with some guidance and/or parameters.
This video is a huge revelation to me. I’m late diagnosed with ASD and this is the first time I’m hearing about PDA. Wow, thank you!
I've been watching your videos for so long, but have deliberately avoided clicking on this video in my recommended since you've uploaded it because then I knew I'd have no excuse for avoiding everyday tasks.
Theres another creator i watch called struthless, he embraces the cringe of self love. Not in an extreme way, but i feel like a little bit of self love cringe actually does help, and I'm for the most part in complete agreeance with the pointless feeling of shallow affirmations. Its the pretending the cringe doesnt exist that erks me so bad.
I also love productive procrastinating, having so many things i want to do that no matter what i avoid, I'm still doing something that future me will be pleased about.
Im so thankful for this channels existence
I LOVE your content but this video in particular called out SO MANY things I relate to that I thought were a bit more niche. Thank you for sharing
I have a tendency to feel like anything I do for someone (ie, wife, boss, etc) has to be so amazingly well done that it makes up for whatever other things I didn't do/ did late for that person, which of course means I procrastinate even more
Genious! Life changing that I stumbled on your channel and heard of pda for the first time
I agree with laughing I know I would struggle more if I didn't, I tend not to make jokes with people but instead just never take myself too seriously which helps me be a bit more relaxed.
I'm uncertain if I am a PDA as the NHS in the UK aren't great at helping adults that are neurodivergent at least in my experience, but I do laugh at myself when I immedietly want to tell someone no or procrastinate at even a suggestion of doing something if i'm not ready to do it.
Never be afraid of being yourself, just because we can struggle at times does not mean we are incapable and i'm certain that there are amazing people out there that come up with creative ways to do things no matter how mundane or difficult.
I’m autistic and your video resonates with me in so many ways that it’s almost scary.
(I also sent this video to my therapist)
You are right, everything in moderation -- too much “just do it” is one of the things that drove up my fight or flight response into crazy person territory. I ended up with a job that involved a lot of that, and I was genuinely surprised and impressed with myself that I was able to manage. At the same time, I kept saying to myself, “I like this job, and am grateful for it, but I can feel it changing me” - in some bad ways I did not understand. It’s frustrating now to look back and think “okay, actually you couldn’t do it.” I went places and did things that I have some good memories of. But I’m struggling to stay regulated now, stressing out my wife, and wondering if, had I not pushed myself so hard, I would still have a life.
Omg yes the to-do list. That's what I do too! If I actually try to schedule my tasks for the day, I won't do them. If I have a brain dump list, I will pick and choose what I feel like at the time while probably avoiding other tasks I don't want to do, but in the end it all gets done eventually.. or dropped because it wasn't actually necessary anyway or something has changed. Getting it all out on paper or in an app relieves most of the anxiety around the tasks and you can turn your attention to something else you'd rather be doing knowing you won't forget anything important because you wrote It down and can do it later! Oh! and throughout the day, I write down on my schedule the things I actually did from my brain dump list to see how much I've actually accomplished at the end of the day and don't have to feel down on myself for not completing a to-do list.
Awesome video, thanks Meg. I try to go with, 'what do I need to do to stay alive till bedtime?' To choose a task. If there is something I WANT to do, then use that as a reward for doing the thing I am avoiding. I have learned that although the deep breath, just do it. Is something I have to do, it also comes with significant fall out symptoms. That need a lot of recovery time. So I save that for emergency use as much as possible.
I’m putting this on my watch later for when I’m ready for advice 😂
Devon Price is brilliant. i read "Unmasking Autism: Discovering the New Faces of Neurodiversity" when it came out and it changed my life. a great introductory overview that addresses quite a few concepts quite eloquently for such a short book. highly recommend it.
I used to massively struggle with menus, and still sometimes do, but what I find sometimes works for me is to just read until there's something that seems good and avoiding looking at the rest of the menu.
at 9:10 I saw the cleaning spray show up and had a visceral reaction to the memory of how awful so many of those sprays smell! Most people I meet are surprised by this and tell me they associate the smell of bleach with the idea of cleanliness. I just can't even - it is overwhelming and it feels like I can taste it. Anyway, time to watch the rest of the video lol
I love these videos! I just had my husband watch your other video about PDA and he was like "what's next? What do we do?" And then there was your video! Perfect timing! 😊 These videos have been so helpful for me, so thank you!
This video is an absolute banger and I really needed it today, thanks so much
you are refreshing and kind. thank you.
Recently, I started to plan my week in my digital calendar throughout the whole week. And than I shuffle all the planned tasks around during the week and readjust constantly. By this I managed to get things done (because I’m reminded I need/want to do them) but I can mainly choose when I do what.
Also podcasts or music for chores is a must. Helps to mind them so much less.
My mom taught me "If it's worth doing, it's worth doing right". Not good for my perfectionism. At all. I heard a revised version I live by "If it's worth doing, it's worth doing wrong as well, better than not doing".
I also tell myself, when I can, that I WANT to do something. Not I have to, but want to. I find the language I use with myself helps a lot. I can even ask myself why do I want to do it, and come up with an answer.
Example: No, bad alarm, shut up, sleep. But, the alarm is going off for a reason, why? Oh yeah, work, shut up alarm. Wait, I need, um, want to get up. Why? Cause I need, um, want to go to work. Why????? Cause I want money.
You can see, the method is not perfect, but when I can get it to work, it works for me.
I think art is the best way to overcome overthinking. When you get into the zone, you're bypassing the left side of your brain(the logic side) and using mainly your right brain(the artistic side). I think that lines up with what you said about playing a character, maybe role playing uses your right brain. My personal theory is that the anxiety and overthinking comes from the logic side of your brain. Finding ways to use your right brain is really helpful :) this was a great video, it really got me inspired to get some work done
#2 - write a crappy todo list is SO USEFUL for me. I don't know if it's some ADHD thing or something, but I think trying to keep track of things in my head is itself anxiety inducing and uses brain cycles. Just writing a few things down often gets me started doing ANYTHING and often I never go back to the list again, just the act of starting the list is sometimes enough.
I always relate to your videos and think they are really well done! I just wanted to mention the fear of not having a good time in enough time or running out of time on vacation has been a recurring stress dream for me for over 3 years now. I always dream I'm at the beach with my friends, but somehow it's the last day of the trip and there is no time to go to the beach and weve wasted the trip. So much feels like it clicked just now, haha
Thank you 🖤 literally sitting here rotting trying to make coffee and eat food, this video is so needed.
My favorite channel yay 😊 im waiting on a diagnosis for autism and your videos help a lot with understanding and help explain how i feel to people because i find it so hard to explain stuff to people. I just wanted to say thank you from my heart 💟 because you have helped my life in so many ways 😊
im only on point #2 but this video is amazing already!! ive ALWAYS avoided certain demands by doing other demands, i just called it "productive procrastination" but im pretty sure i quite resonate with PDAers lol.
#12 is a great reminder too, it is important to have demand-free time! i've noticed when i have a very busy day without much demand-free chill time, then i tend to get much less accomplished the next day, almost like im in need of a recovery period from demands.
Thank you for your videos!💗
Someone gave me this trick and sometimes; it's really efficient. He suggested me to put a countdown of 10min., try to do some tasks on my to-do list then stop for the day at the ringing of the bell. I've been surprised because I done more than I could imagine.
This video was really relevant for me, thanks again!🌼
so far the way that kinda works for me to keep the burn out minimal is to have after a day of getting somethings done ( mostly i pack too many things onto that day ) ,a day where everything is just an option, but with a couple of ideas what would be good to get done. followed by a day or two where time does not exist and i just do whatever i feel like in the moment. and if that means having a day without brushing teeth or without going to bed and instead just doing small naps, than so be it. it´s not a super well working strategie i guess , but i haven´t found jet another way to not get burned out after a week of doing basic things like meeting people and other appointments, buying food and so on, without needing afterwards a couple of weeks to recover. so i call that an improvment😅
I have a failure of pre-emption. See, pre-emption is a concept in multitasking operating system design, where task switching occurs whether the running process likes it or not.
This never happens, so I get stuck in deadlocks.
I am in the research phase of developing an app to help with poor introception & executive functioning, but i want to make sure it isnt too demanding and accommodates for PDA. I am autistic/PDA but this is still helpful since i have trouble analyzing myself.
One "antidote" to inertia is to make tasks as effortless as possible.
For one thing, being as organized as possible.
Also, different ways of doing things: I've found that writing notes on my phone feels less "claustrophobic" and more "effortless" than writing notes on paper or typing on my computer.
(I could make a video of all the things I do.)