Matteo Lane - Gay VS Straight Dating
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 15 ก.ย. 2024
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"Be alone at night in a park, and stare at him directly in the eye."
This line sounds like what a feature that a horror movie would include into their movie.
literally me last night
Movie trailer voice: This summer, you won't expect it coming, but it'll come to you. GAYS
@@en9719 "This summer, you won't expect it coming, but it'll come on you. GAYS IN THE PARK"
Who among us does not recall a memory of literally doing that at a park at night?
That's what I used to think as an ultra closeted gay with homophobic parents. I thought that meeting a another guy would end up with murder. I wasted so many years. I started going to the park, bar and later blind dates off the internet/apps and I am still alive and happy.
"he's in med school"
I'm wheezing. Matteo is a genius.
😁😁😁😁
"if you know how to use a semicolon, get in this colon."
- Matteo Lane
I got printed in The Washington Post using semicolons... correctly. Matteo: I can use colons correctly, also.
HA just gave you your 666th like
There are exactly 666 likes on this comment and I just can't ruin that.
see-my-colon
That was my favorite line of this bit. Semen-colon.
“He’s in med school” 💀💀💀💀
LOLOL
"I'll be back in 10 you guys" didn't get nearly a big enough laugh
Had me picturing some guy at the other end of the bar doing charades to mime being in med school.
Do lesbian dating next. How they’ve adopted 13 cats, got a joint checking account and are looking for a house by the end of the second date.
Before they meet the first time 🙃
You know the trope, so why should Matteo recycle it? He's a gay man, not a lesbian. The Venn diagram of gay men and lesbians barely touches.
Yeah, let's leave the lesbian jokes to the lesbians.
Hahahahaha
Lesbians keep u-haul in business
He’s absolutely right about the eye contact thing. I’m really socially awkward so I have weird things with eye contact. And apparently my go to polite eye contact etiquette is a spot on reciprocal gay eye contact. Even though I’m straight. So I’ve made a few gay friends that way.
Omg!! This is so funny.
What do you do exactly? I am gay and I don't think I got it down 😵
@@solidagold115 OK so apparently, what you want to do is - if you’re sitting across the bar from someone and they’re making eye contact with you, you make eye contact back and then smile a little bit and immediately look away. And then look back at them to see if they’re still looking at you and if they are do the exact same smile, but nod a little bit this time and immediately look away again. This one guy was like “but you nodded and everything!” 😂
@@illeaglememes9176 *starts taking notes*
@@illeaglememes9176 😂😂 I would be confused as well if you looked at me like that 😂
I think this perfectly explains why pickup artistry doesn't work on women. Because that's how men hit on other men! 😂
Explains Andrew tates methods
aaah
How would you describe this artistry looks like in action?
As a straight guy I agree , that's how i pick cute homies
@@thereality3398Are you sure you are straight? 😊
Not only great looking, but his humor is off the charts......glad to see a Mateo doing so well!!!
“If you know how to use a semicolon, get in this colon.”
That is both the “gayest” and most hilarious thing I’ve heard all day!
This guy is going places 😂
That's the joke I did not care for. Gross. Some things are too much. He is hilarious though
Idve gone even further and said "if you know how to use a semicolon, you can park your semi in this colon"
@@slappymcslapster8845 if a straight man made a joke about getting laid, you wouldn't bat an eye. You're just homophobic
@@slappymcslapster8845lol sounds like it made an impact on you tho😂😂😂
The eye contact thing always makes me sad. When I was younger, I gravitated towards being more friendly, making eye contact, etc. Eventually this led to what you'd expect, men hitting on me, following me, etc. Initially I thought okay well, I LIKE that I'm friendly, I LIKE that I put people at ease, I won't compromise that for myself just because some guys are creeps.
Buuuut gradually I did just that. Now when I go out I avoid direct eye contact as a rule, and like magic, those things stopped happening. But it makes me sad.
SAME. I used to be such a sweetheart.
Well I'm always gonna ask out people who are nice to me. Because I know not everyone nice likes me but everyone who likes me is gonna be nice, so it's a good clue.
But then If I get a no I go back to normal and never ask again but maybe half the chicks I ask will just stop engaging with me the same from then on.
Which I can't realistically do anything about because I can't die alone by not asking women out.
"Why can't I get myself a nice trad wife?" - Joe, 33, unemployed for the last 3 years. Diet consists of junk food and red meat only. Does not know what water tastes like. Probably has at least 2-3 misdemeanors.
Definitely don't envy y'all, you've got it rough.
i wouldn't say the first thing but i feel kinda called out that most of those descriptors apply to me lol.
And has never washed his hands or properly wiped his ass.
He knows that water tastes like beer, specially bud light.
There are plenty of guys just like that or worse, married with multiple kids, maybe even multiple marriages.
I love matteo lane so much; his jokes are always so original and make me laugh so much
Edit : I am aware that I appear to have forgotten to include a period. I apologise to the elder gays, and am revoking my grindr privileges and moving to a catholic village as we speak. No longer will any gay have to suffer my incompetence. Farewell, friends.
PERIOD.
and his delivery is soooo smooth. he is a riot
hope you get that Italian sausage, son.
Good semicolon placement but you missed the comma. NEXT
that edit made me wheeze
This is why sometimes I wish I was gay. That's how I know sexuality isn't a choice.
ME TOO !! SERIOUSLY !!
@@Rakx10lmao ive never met a straight guy who wouldnt give up the craziness of women to get down with the boys if only they could, met plenty of closeted guys who wouldnt dare even think about being homosexual though...
Dude, I think it’s a pity there aren’t therapies that work to change people’s sexuality. Imagine if we could all choose? And if we could change it across our lifespan? And if homophobia wasn’t a factor in making those choices? I think many people would choose to become gays or lesbians or pansexuals 😂😂
the storytelling is always so accurate!!
Bwahahaha "if you know how to use a semi-colon get in this colon" 🤣🤣 I'm straight as an arrow but damn that has me second guessing
Sometimes confidence and attitude can be very attractive lmao
Ever heard of the archer's paradox?
@@Randomdudefromtheinternet like Sterling Dutchess? 😂
↩️🔄🔀 - lotta arrows fam
One of the most hilarious specials i've ever seen
I almost crushed myself with weights at the gym coz i went weak at “if he uses a semicolon, get in this colon” 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
This was hilarious. Matteo looks as if he's in a Castro Street bar (the Elephant Walk or the Midnight Sun, maybe?), in the middle of the 1970s, moustache and all, getting ready for the weekly adventure of a lifetime.
Only thing missing? The All American Boy t-shirt.
Thanks for posting!
I can be so depressed and listen to this guy, instantly happier. Love him ❤️
2:17 "I'll be back in ten you guys!"
Special was fantastic, and loving all your podcast guest spots 🙌
I wish I could give Matteo a big hug... his clips never miss!
"i read this article; it was on buzzfeed, so it wasn't real"
Mr. Matteo not only are you funny but you’re so beautiful thank you for all the laughter
I think that humor can contain a high level of sociological analysis... Intelligent, sensitive and extremely funny ❤️
Matteo is one of those people that you always wanted to have as a friend in your life!
This man needs a Netflix special
I absolutely adore this guy! Guaranteed laughs every single effing time! I’d love to see him in person!
I spat my coffee on the semicolon joke 🤣
Matteo is one of the best comedians ever 😂
"If you know how to use a semi colon - get in this colon". Lol'd so hard!
"He is in Med School." 😂👏👏👏
“Do you have friends?” Lmfaooooo
It’s been said countless times on your videos but thank you for giving a straight man an exclusive glimpse into gay lifestyle
"Life style"
Correction : life
No, I am gay myself and thankfully this is neither my life nor my life style. And I doubt I am the only gay guy out there who doesn’t do hook-ups and lives monogamous, even though I assume I‘m part of a minority within a minority.
Man, the semi-colon is one of my favorite tools in the grammar toolbox; it allows you to complete a thought without turning it into a run-on sentence. Now that I know that is all it takes to get laid, I can add it to any future bio I probably won't make because I don't trust those apps, and given the state of our society, I don't trust my using them to not be used against me in the future. I also wish I knew how much of this was even remotely close to reality. I also don't have any stereotypical gay friends, they are all engineers, mathematicians, scientists, and journalists, not the kinds of people who go to gay bars and parties, and most are not really part of the whole LGBT movement. The point is I know very little about gay culture or straight culture, but ask me about a geographic culture or any of two dozen nationalities, and prepare to be bored to tears.
My mom's a lawyer she would ask me their name to look them up for my safety. Me "Uh it was....fuck." "Wait you didn't even know their name?!" "HE DIDNT HAVE IT IN HIS PROFILE!"
If gays had a recruiting center like the military, Mateo would write their elevator pitch!
When guys stare at me, I feel really AWKWARD. The first thought that comes to my mind is "IS HE INTERESTED IN ME? OR IS IT JUST A MERE COINCIDENCE?" 😆 😆
I get that, it's a whole thing. Someone has to talk first
My thought is: is he into me, or is he a flirt? (I know, those aren't quite mutually exclusive)
I wish this were true, but sadly sexual assault happens as frequent in gay communities as other populations. Gay men just don't report on sexual assaults as often as other individuals in the broader community, for a variety of reasons. Hopefully that will start to change generationally as the legal system improves.
It’s not as frequent. It happens more than straight men. But women have gone from 1 in 4 to 1 in 3 and that’s with under reporting being a norm and a small number of men ever actually being sentenced nor making it to court when women do report, hence the giant back catalogue of ever growing rape kits. Then there’s women regularly sexually assaulted and raped in marriage which only became illegal in recent decades but many states still have a loophole for so it’s rarely a hard line. Coercion is a norm and pay gaps with gender roles women find forced on them via partners and hiring practices only reinforce this. Femicide itself is now not just a global issue the UN says is a top priority but the US is an odd duck in that for being a high income nation, the murder of women and girls is increasingly normalized. So while I do know domestic and sexual violence need to be addressed in queer communities. And it’s something I talk about myself, I’m not into this idea where some people think it’s allyship to downplay what happens to women or start saying they have information that doesn’t add up. The two don’t have to be compared in such a way in serious contexts. People just need to leave women who experience violence from men out the conversation if they wanna discuss someone else because it’s hard enough getting awareness, true awareness that isn’t turned into humor from straight men that laughs at violence or just protests of a not all men which isn’t hitting with the numbers because it must be a large number then which makes exceptions irrelevant hinderances if they’re not trying to do the work to secure women’s and girl’s futures, and that includes the regularly sexually brutalized and murderer trans women who cops don’t see as women and think they can be lazy about since many have to do survival sex work and consider it almost their fault if they die when it’s an issue they have to even do something that could introduce them to men-who aren’t all straight-that will take heir lives betting on it being easy to get away with. So women have a lot coming at us from all angles. And it’s not to overlook anyone else but now this has to be said because of the comparison. I should mention this is an area of expertise for me via gender and sexuality studies. Not that being a woman doesn’t give a lot of insight but to say I don’t have a blind spot to other plights with violence as I said earlier.
Why did I not know about him earlier???? He is such a mood booster...
The guy from across the room didn’t say he’s “in med school”, he said “I’m a top”
I'm in the closet, but there's a gay trainer in my gym and all I needed was a movement with my eyebrows and a "i love your tatoos, i like owls too" to let him know
0:10 Bob, what are you doing here ?? Hahaha
"I don't have that kind of confidence!" So clever.
As someone from Quebec - I really didn't expect to be seeing a comedian performing wearing a shirt from Magog :)
"Be alone at night in a park" looking for a guy? I do it all the time lol
“If you know how to use a semi-colon get in my colon” 😆 finally a room I can feel classy. I mean just barely but still😅
When I was at a residential (behavioral health) facility, one of the staff was a gay man
One of the patients there was a lesbian who had a full blown conversation with him about being gay, and
“Why do all gay people always move in with each other after the first date??”
To which he responded:
“No, the difference is that after lesbians have a first date, they get a U-HAUL right after
After gay men have a first date, they go home and-“
That’s literally where he paused and did like a hand gesture that signified the implication that you could most likely fill in the blank from there
That was one of the funniest conversations I had heard the entire time I was there
Saw the shorts, cackled accordingly. Saw the full clip, and I don't actually remember what oxygen is anymore. Matteo, you need a Netflix special at the very least!
That pause before "He's in med school" cracks me up every time.
The eye contact thing was apsolutly gold hahahaha
I’m sure everyone asks this but I need an Australian tour please! Specifically Sydney.
Love you videos but I’m sure your show would be soooo much better irl
if you can use a semi colon, get in THIS COLON hahahahaha im rolling
I’ve seen the gay look in action. It was amazing. David Attenborough would have a field day.
Lmaoooo a semicolon 😂
He’s speaking facts. Yesterday, as a 22 yr old gay guy I got into a car with a 48 yr old gay man and drove around with him. Spent a little time with him. Given he didn’t murder me but yeah, gay men do some stupid things in the name of getting some D. Sometimes you really gotta emphasize “the look” to see if he’s interested haha. But the risk level is there, a lot of gay men go missing after a Grindr hookup. Be safe gens and ladies
48 year old really ?
I thought gay men liked nice body and stuffs lmao .
Just my experience from them
@@thereality3398 And how would age dispute that? Everyone ages.
The confidence to hold the second pause for THATl long.Dude, do good.
My new favorite comic! Impeccable timing!!
0:26 this just reminded me of me and my friend way too much
That last bit had me 🤣 🤣 🤣 🤣 🤣 🤣 🤣 🤣 Matteo is f@#$ing hilarious! Subscribed.
Those gays have it too good,
I’m jealous. 😩
Gay men are very straight forward when they want you and they come at you with confidence and I envy them for that cause I get nervous talking to both sides and have zero confidence in any social activity
I almost exploded laughing this was so good 🤣
“If you know how to use a semi colon, get in this colon” 😂😂😂😂
You got all that from a look ..? TEACH me!!! 😭😭
"he's in med school" :D
Matteo, it's the five-second rule for look-backs when cruising. Five four three two one… look back! 👍
My neurodivergent brain just losing the ability to language when im around a cute queer: "dude hahaha fr fr" 👁💧👄💧👁
Ask them out
This is SO accurate
I am a gay man but the complete opposite of Matteo. I've been celibate for three years because no one has passed my screening process yet lol
Oh you’re like a straight woman.
I love it when Margret Cho says when she's in a gay bar and her gay friends meet someone they will leave you! You know how to get home..right???
I feel fucking called out about the first look for eye contact, then try again for second round of it shortly after, good damn🤣💀
Semicolon joke is a masterpiece 🔥
1:27 no we don’t get outta here
it’s a joke…
@@TheAutisticFrog …..that… doesn’t matter lmao
Isn't that what you do when you run into a strange dog? Don't be alone with them in the park, and never look at them directly in the eye?
Matteo....? It's me, your special stalker friend who still wants a got damn date!
This tee-shirt man, this tee-shirt.
The semi-colon bit was the best lmao, Matteo is my new favourite comedian. You rock dude!
OMG I am from Quebec! seeing that Tshirt!! when did you came up here?!!!
He is so true and Funny.
Love him. (i laugh again and again. great acting, timing, diction and … experience 😊)
When you go to like a comment, but then see the "White Lives Matter" icon. 🚩🚩🚩
@@i_perpetuated_a_white_savi344 - Yes. ‘White’ savior.
@@louisdewit4429 Don't forget the "complex". As in, neurosis. I know gay-cons hate context, but it's important.
he's in med school............!!!! i choked right there!!!! good stuff!
0:54 BuzzFeed may be wrong here but they are real
"If you know how to use a semicolon, get in _this_ colon."
omfg
He's in med school made me choke
He's in med school, yes all are 😭 😂
There are not enough gay stand ups out there, and this was fucking funny!! Netflix better jump
Missed joke: if you know how to use a semicolon, get your semi in this colon
That’s good😭🤚
Girl, You Are Just Fabulous!! I must see you in person before I die, You Are Fabulous.
I live in Atlanta and I still can't find a gay friend as cool as you.
Matteo - no pun intended - do your thang ALONE! Do NOT couple with anyone else in your skits…just standup comedy. Because my dear fellow, you ARE hysterical in and of yourself! You don’t need any backup or a foil to get the laughs - you’re awesome by yourself! Happy New Year!💓👨🏼🤝👨🏽🎉🥳🥂🍾💫🎆
[gay English teachers have entered the chat]
"If you know how to use a semicolon, get in THIS colon." Outfuckingstanding
Omg this is so true for women dating men. I decided to get to know the men before having sex…I’ve been without for a while now…😳 It’s scary out there.
I supposed this would be a comparison of two gay dudes dating each other vs two straight dudes dating each other.
Can't believe it took him so many looks to find out the guy was in med school and there was a ten minute fuck on the cards. I find one look is more than enough to find out all you need to know.
The secret, hold the look long enough to allow time for a yes/no decision to be made.
However, I've once had to walk around a whole town centre for two hours just to shake a guy I looked at for a second too long.
I'm miss the 90s and the internet killed cruising.
Rant over - Gen X here, it's been a long millennium so far.
At least such guys aren't a thing any more
@@jasonhaven7170 Depends on where you go ;)
@@YourBeingParanoid Where are you talking about?
@@jasonhaven7170 If you want somewhere near to you, I'll need location details xxx
@@YourBeingParanoid UK, you?
'if you know how to use a semicolon get in this colon' I'm dead
Clearly havent developed my gay skills yet, conversations from across the room would make everything truly easoer
Hysterical!!
Dude you are so funny! So many truths were told as well! Keep up!
Chile, it's dangerous out here for women. Netflix has an entire series of specials about women dying from not screening dates. It's wild af out here. 😁🥰