Ep. 31 | 2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
ฝัง
- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 28 ส.ค. 2024
- Bert Kreischer and Tom Segura are back in the cave once again. Bert has a new perspective on Karl Malone. Tom and Bert then start going doing lists to see which alt comics don't know them, which leads them to a more fun conversation on which black comedians don't know them. We even call up black expert Neal Brennan to weigh in! We find out Tom’s experience driving a McLaren after he gives the Kreischer girls a ride. We then get into the discussion of fighting and each of the bears have their own technique. Tom is really aching to cause damage to someone. Will anybody volunteer? Plus, reactions to more of your comments and memes!
yourmomshousepo...
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I think it’s incredibly sweet that Tom let’s his handicapped friend read the sponsors for him. So thoughtful and inclusive for the disabled community.
Bert is Tom's wack pack member. He's ALMOST as funny as try it out guy.
It’s incredibly sweet that his fans let him perform handicapped "standup" too.
That ship station ad was a doozy
You know, disabled is considered derogatory. Curb your ablism
And they say Tom can't say retarded after all his help of this tic toc...
*Petition to have Tom purchase a shock collar so he can zap Bert whenever he talks over him*
I’ve actually never seen a better idea in my entire life. Fuck the drinking game, this would get him to stop doing all the stuff featured in that game
ha ha gold
PLEASE
Signed
Oh you mean the B Schaub collar
All I know is I started saying “a hunderred percent” and I can’t stop. Please save me.
a HUNDRED percent
Shannon DeVaughn bro I JUST said it and had the same thought.
Take a shot!
Sam Tripoli got me saying it too
Im doing it too... and im danish...
Are we just not going to acknowledge how awkward it was when Nadav interrupted a whole conversation to beg Tom to elbow him in the face.
weird asf
Yh i was like... its weird for tom and bert to be weirded out like that hahahha
Man I missed that, what's the time stamp?
@@maximilianraley2457 59:52
@@liltoasty5215 Thank you!
Bert doesn't want people to know his address but wants to be the only house in the state with a moat.
He could disguise his house as a mountain and just live as a bear
@@Ipipeyourmom you could also make more accounts to like your own comment. 1 thumbs up 👍 is preety damn lonely.
@@hunterthompson6295 no thumbs for u
@@hunterthompson6295 not as lonely as your zero, mate
This needs to be the top comment
Listening to Bert trying to read an ad is like listening to a toddler trying to tell you about their day
Yup they start with the middle and then end with the beginning
this has me cryin
Pretty sure it's the same thing
In a way it is ..
He reads like the 3rd best kid in preschool
“Would Cosby like Bert?”
He’d probably like Ari more...
Cosby walked so Ari could run
Burrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrn.
Ha! That was a good one. -
Did anyone else find it super weird that nadav literally interrupted the podcast to make a genuine offer to let Tom elbow him in the face for no reason?
Was really strange
@@rokeflame5288 Search Your Moms house Podcast.
And Either add to it
“Nadav vs Tom fight” Tom Segura snaps at Nadav
“Tom Segura poem to Nadav”
“The Into Wars” was 100% definitely a part of it.
I don’t want to spoil anything because I keep my jeans high and tight. Keep Feathering it brother!
I’m really proud of Brett, he made it a full 4 seconds before stuttering!
That’s a restart not a stutter
And a whole 20 without berating his wife for humour!
He’s fully Tok’d for sure
Brandon Dancer Look out guys, Bit-Killer Jones has returned
And a whole 3 seconds after the intro before making a racist comment!
I think we may need to start a GoFundMe now for Nadav’s inevitable and necessary therapy
To address his CONSTANT need to please Tom 🤔
More like for his jaw after Tom’s elbow...
I bet Tom would fund his assisted suicide
That was one of the weirdest things i've witnessed
I don’t get that whole thing is it like some ongoing gag?
Bert: *Talking for literally 5 minutes straight*
"Can i tell a story for a second?"
Tom: "Yeah sure!"
Bert: “By the way I’m being very vague about this “....
**Describes EVERY detail **
😂😂😂
My 3 day old son, just got his 2nd hearth surgery. Thank you for doing what you are doing, it makes my day a loot brighter and normal
Hopes he’s recovering well. Keep feathering it brother
Blessings bro
It's tough time brother, I'll have you and your family in my prayers!
@@hunterkaimi Thank You! You can't imagine how much these words mean, even though i dont know you! I will keep feathering and i hope my little Jacob will feather one day too! Next week he has one more operation, just for a second, if you can, send good thoughts to my son Jacob in Latvia. I dont believe in god or higher power, but since Jacob i have no other choice but to trust surgeons and hope there is higher power to whom i am begging every hour for Jacobs life
@@torianj37 Thank You, it means a lot. It is weird, but it really means a lot. Me and my wife have cried since 23d of april, and we have also cried happy tears after each succesful surgery, and after each nighy he is still alive and fighting his ass of
This podcast would be so much better if Tom Segura was on it
I dont get it....
HAHA
@@antifa19 bc Bert wont let him talk
This podcast has turned into burnt trying to call celebrities and them not answering the phone lmao
Words gotten out that being on the podcast is the kiss of death
New favorite podcast duo . I love how Tom sits back and watches Bert slit his own wrists but finds a positive message somewhere in his story
This podcast has started out as two friends hanging out and it has slowly devolved into one of the friend’s watching the other dig holes he can’t fill fast enough.
The first episode Tom fed Bert an entire plate of donuts and three beers. It's always been that 😂
@@TylerSimco you can't forget about the hot server. The one that is now Bert's spin instructor.
To be honest, Bert could stand to dig a few holes & refill themI!!
every intro
Bert: Do you need a website? Are you as dumb as my wife? Well have we got the product for you
It increased tenfold probably
I'm so happy to see Patrice still at the top of the ranks of best comedians years after his passing.
6 5th floor is 7th March and they are going to stay for the weekend 5 6ty6r6d6d dt and R 75 chi
I feel like the life line of this show is the distant laughter
Bert talking about himself endlessly while Tom zones out
It's the Bart Kreisther show ft. Tom Segura
He’s a selfish lying alcoholic. Typical. Addict. Good thing he’s such a buffoon. Anyone with an IQ over 80 can figure out Bert is a compulsive liAr. Poor Bart.
@@notpaulrudd6376 so why are you here, and commenting?
NotPaulRudd We got the comment psychologist here 🙄
@@ScorpionP2C because some of us like Tom Segura. I only watch bill and Bert for bill. Every episode turns into Bert's fantasy hour of narcissist bullshit.
3:03 for intro, 3:38 for episode.
40:54 for first ad.
1:06:40 for second.
It’s been out for 11 minutes how
@@lockedboat4782 Through the magic of racism courtesy of Berty bert.
King
Thanks
This is what I’m talking about 👏
At 28:39 Bert literally stops in the middle of a conversation to smell his fingers. If that's not already part of the drinking game, it needs to be.
lol
I love when Tom impersonates Leeann with a heavy southern accent😂🤣
Tom would nail Leanne in a second I think. Just so he could tell bert about it and laugh maniacally.
Bernt Krischner: and the train WALKED RIGHT BY HER!
Heard this too
Uhhhhhhhhhhh hundred percent!
“That’s great honey”
This bothered me too.
i love the way Tom bullshit agrees with Bert just to see how deep of a hole he can dig himself into.
Tommy's a provocateur
This episode: Bert talks about himself while playing with his phone.
Same as all the other episodes.
“I wonder if Eddie Murphy ever thinks about me💁🏻♂️😍”
Did he yell at tom for messing with his phone while bert talks Bout himself tho?
“You’re acting like you know me, homie” needs to get put on a shirt!
Apparently reading wasn’t a requirement during Bart’s 6 years in college
@@bobvance9519 Maybe it was just Colours. He tells them what colour they're pointing at and he gets a degree.
18-25, 7... he went to college for 7 years. (*ノ_
I am in love with this comment
Nude Millennial Cyanide Crust kudos, best comment I’ve read all week
He went to Florida State. It's practically a state sponsored keg stand that lasts for 4 years.
Just now realizing that Bert Kreishna is a real life Peter Griffin.
No way, Homer Simpson, he’s balding with a goatee and a gut, he’s conservative but doesn’t really know why, he has two daughters and an annoying/lovable dog, and he was at his best in the 90s.
He’s Homer yo.
Ummm... that’s not accurate in any way. Peter Griffin is funny, Bert is not. Peter May say dumb and semi racist stuff but he’s a cartoon character and goes in on everyone, Bert is just a racist. The first time I saw him, I’ve always disliked him. He present laughs to make his jokes seem funnier than they are and he’s basically a closet racist. He is not funny and is as fake as titties in LA.
@@JesseJames-zp6dh nah
JesseJames613 how is he racist. What did he do/say?
@@britishcodfish1472 you don't watch this often, do you? 🤣
Bert and Tom ONE HHUNDRED PERCENT ... is now part of our vernacular... my friend said it we looked at each other and said BEERRRTTTTT ... your reach is global your humour is universal , thanks lads
Bert: "This is the best fitness tracker I've ever used"
Also Bert: "This is the only fitness tracker I've ever used"
Let's say we had a friend who partied excessively into their 40s, stuttered profusely, and can't maintain a single uninterrupted thought for more than two seconds. Would you recommend sobriety for our friend?
only if he was fat and sounded like a walrus on helium laughing
Imagine thinking his stand-up is good too. Oof.
It worked for Trump.
Bert's stand up IS good, don't be an ass. You don't know the guy...
@@terrybird993 it genuinely is not good. Without podcasting he would have no following.
Tom looking a little Bert around the waist
“Looking a little bert” 😂😂😂
I commented this last episode, too. Getting chonky
its because he's getting heavy into weed and mgs eating a lot
WalkingCane his waist does not look like it beats his wife
How does someone's waist look racist?
Been having a rough week and driving back and forth between Columbus and Dayton for some family issues so listening to them as I drive has kept me sane
2 bears number one wishes
Tom: free top tier supercar
Burt: full bottle of Tito's and unfiltered racism making a comeback.
Next week Nadav will have "property of Mr. Tom" tattooed on his chest while Bert rains elbows and Mystic Rick delivers the Turkey Slicer
Show starts:
Tom: First and foremost...
Bert: BY THE WAY!!
He's on all kinds of drugs
He just wanted to avoid his persona becoming more racist.
How have I just now started listening to this podcast ???? Just starting to get into podcasts , so glad I found two bears man! You guys are killing it !
Thank you , don’t stop !
Bert: this is going to be a GREAT episode!
Spends half the pod staring at his phone.
*Bert takes up dip, red bull, racism, drinking again*
"I love it when you get a new habit" -Tom
Racism isn't new for Bert
I wish I had that kind of support in my life
Bert reading Whoop commercial: "You wake up. Have you had medication? Have you had caffine??" (drinks Red Bull).. "Nope. and then you see your results in the app."
I love Burt so much. It's like a drunk stepdad at a bbq including me in the conversation.
When Neil answered and said hey buddy...is this about black stuff? I thought it was toms dad
Bert Kreischer: I cannot have 2 beers and then do anything.
Bert having little Chinese kids making his flip flops. His dreams come true.
Its so Florida of Bert to want a moat built around his house
Florida need's to burn to the ground
So a moat in England is classy but it somehow loses it class when it’s in Florida surrounding a two story double wide?
More of a Quahog thing
@@bdawggification It's not classy in England, and in England we're lucky to have walls and a roof
Jack Murphy Were not speaking of the peasant class, now we know they don’t get moats. If you think the moat surrounding Fulham palace doesn’t ooze class, you ain’t black, as Joe Biden may put it.
I have been playing the drinking game for the last 10 episodes and I think I'm starting to develop brain damage, thanks bert!
"I CAN NOT have 2 beers and go do ANYTHING" This entire podcast has literally been "Stuff Bert did after having 2 beers"
I wish we had a show of Patrice feeding Bert lines over a ear piece to pick up ladies
Please isolate Bert saying : "This is just for white people." It is somewhere around 14th minute.
Edit: 13:58.
When he was talking about the phone switching thing, which was something Bobby Lee did in his podcast.
Do you even get jokes?
this week on Tom and Bert Play with Their Phones: Bert reads a list and says yes or no
Tom saying "Just let me see your phone" seems a lot like what I think it was like for Bert to have Ellis say "Hey fat sticks, want a glass of water?"
I hope Tom's sons grow up to be tag team champions.
Like Earl Thomas?
Clicked right off JRE Kevin Hart once I saw this. Gotta go with the bears first.
same
Same
Both of Kevin's episodes were just self promotion and jerking off. They're not really worth watching.
Neil Brennan type of dude to call you and say, "There's my guy" when you pick up.
one of the best things ever to happen on this show
rewatching this and still dying over the fact that Nadav entirely interrupted the conversation just to offer up his face to be elbowed by tom
"Is this about Black stuff?"
You already know it is, Neal
Neil Brennan type of dude to call you and say, "There's my guy" when you pick up.
Bert searching through his phone was riveting.
The dummy never heard of a search function thats present in every email app/website. He actually scrolled through his mail.
Searching through phone every episode. Bert "You don't need to cut this out, this is what makes podcasting great..."
No, no it is not. Please cut out the telephone searching/scrolling, and the UNanswered calls. It adds nothing but time to the video. - "Ain't nobody got time for that!"
Bad podcasting is just people who can't be bothered to edit out the boring shit.
@@VideoNozoki That was my favorite part of the pod, my guy.
"I can really quickly go into fantasies." like its a super power
Bert hates Blueban so much and its so entertaining
I hope Tom gets paid more than Bert for his Ad reads
"My one goal in life is to go through life without my daughters seeing me get beat up in my front yard" - You'd never guess that Bert was raised in Florida...
I never thought I'd enjoy a podcast so thoroughly. I love Tom's psychosis and Bert's racism.
The look that Tom gives Nadav when talking about being bad at searching was genuinely wholesome. That kind of side smile that shows they have an inside joke was actually really nice.
Listening while grilling and decided to eat less cause I don’t want to end up like Bert.
No one does.
Eating less doesn't help people not be racist
Are you grilling Tito's?
Bert is fat I get it 😂
Bart "Hey watch me scroll thru my phone for 20 minutes" Chrysler
Apparently it's what makes podcasts great 😂
@@JCrownMusic Like most things Bert says, he is wrong.
Tom’s face when Bert changes the subject mid sentence.
God this podcast is fucking glorious...best start to any week listening to Bert's senseless ramblings
Bert is smooth brained. He needs a care taker.
Hes got a Koala brain
The sycophant laughing in the background sounds like he's starving for food and is laughing at gunpoint
Hes a company man, sooooo
There’s absolutely no way he finds everything so funny where he laughs at loud. That’s just impossible.
Shpongle for real tho!! the laughter is obviously forced and kinda annoying and it’s been pretty notable in the past few episodes and it was ramped up for this one
Who needs a laugh track when you can force it out of someone?
Shpongle lol nah, some people are very happy and are annoyingly quick to laugh
Watching Bert on his phone is such a breath of fresh air.
Tom talks to Nadav the same way I talk to my dog after he took a shit in the house
The thing I love most about Bert is that it is impossible to hear/see him laugh and not start laughing, no matter what he's saying. If I'm feeling down, I just watch the 2Bears podcast or one of his standup specials or him on, "This Is Not Happening", and, bam, instant joy.
Same
I thank the YMH squad for all the laughs. And all the craziest shit from all corners of the earth for us all to feel better about ourselves. Great team of people. Great conversations
I love how Neal answered the phone the most Neal way. "Hi Buddy"
RIP Patreeky
Watching this instead of Rogan interviewing The Rock's son.
Literally the only option was this or joe and the rocks dick interview
😂😂😂
miguel torres check out Bad Friends if haven’t already.
I fukn loved these guys!! I love how Tom just sits back and let's Burt go wild like a priest at a boy scout camp.😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
That company man elbow in the face shit was fuckin hilarious
Something to look forward to every Monday.
I forgot it was Monday, till this popped up
Yup, use to look forward to TFATK... But, that crashed and burned when they turned into whiny little cunts.
this and bad friends loo
Bert spending 5 minutes in silence looking up something on his phone makes great podcasting
"Best part"... can't even imagine why anyone would seamlessly edit that out.... or when Bert calls someone and they don't answer the phone.... = "best part of podcasting"
Neal Brennan!!! I will watch this religiously if you bring on Neal on the reg.
10 minutes of Bert staring at his phone. Good podcast guys.
Hearing Bert throw something into the universe that's a complete guess, like Colorado followed by "Isn't that crazy?" like it's going to be right, is fully brought home when he discovers he's wrong. Reminds me of when a dog farts and wonders what just happened to its butt, and then forgets it happened 5 seconds later.
Wow Bert set a new record this ep for the most n bombs in an hour
That Bert plate in your head subject would make the best soundbyte hahahaja
That would be a great documentary series. Call it “the goats” or something like that, and each episode is about each athlete who are/were total beasts!
Listeners must go through a completely different experience without Tom's facial expressions
The only reason I really watch it since Bert talks most of the time. Tom's expressions make the show.
I listen first, then come back and watch. See if the moments I think line up with Tom making a face.
Every YMH show reminds me of how good Tim Dillon is at ad-reads.
Life in the big city.
In a stunning estate.
It’s a knife fight out there
Tom talking about his interaction at the gas station is literally my everyday lol
I love the guy laughing in the back it cracks me up every time lol
Bert is nice. He told I’m an okay black guy after his show.
This podcast should be called
“ two bears play with their phones”....
Bert: "This is corporate sponsorship works in this day and age"
Tom: "tell me" knowing this is going to be gold
when bert pulled his hair back he weirdly looked like "no neck ned" 🤣🤣🤣
Can’t wait to have the outro song in my head after this
Outro song is great!
I feel like they had a ton of stuff to talk about but then they got distracted.
"First and foremost..."
"Oh by the way..."
*Drinks*
Well, we can all live out our lives totally satisfied now knowing whether or not every single comic who's ever existed knows &/or likes Bert! Great show guys! Maybe next time Bert can list off EVERY person he's ever met that's liked or disliked him? Now I know why native wanted a punch to the face!
"This is just for white people" 13:58
-Burnt Chrysler
2020
Did that say “Free Whites” on the bottom of the racists guy’s flip flop?