How to date with a disorganized attachment style
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 7 ก.พ. 2025
- Disorganized attachment is a mixture of anxious and avoidant attachment styles. It stems from a childhood where the caretakers couldn't be counted on, and were also, at some level, abusive.
This person has learned that connection isn't regularly available, and, when they do get it, it might be unsafe anyway.
I'm going to show you how this push/pull relationship type plays out in dating and what to do about it - whether you're dating as a disorganized, or you're dating someone who is disorganized.
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If anyone else with DA is watching this and made the unfortunate mistake of reading the comments from blessed children that weren't abused, take a breath. They don't speak for everyone and they have their own underlying issues for looking down on those less fortunate. You have been through hell. You will continue to go through hell. You've got a hell of a lot more work to do for love, and that will make your love more worth it and so much stronger than others. Hang in there. When you find that securely attached person that works with you, doesn't even give you the chance to act crazy, and shows you what real love is... you'll realize you weren't the problem. You were a victim. Maybe you still are. But you heal. You work for it, you seek help. That is why you are here. You are trying. Some people don't have to try, so they never apppreciate the gravity of what it is to achieve love after trauma. To never stop working to improve yourself because you know what you want. So, don't give up. Don't ever be discouraged. Onto the next video, onto the next article, whatever it takes.
Thank you. You made me cry. I'm already a good ways on my healing journey, but that was exactly what I needed to hear as I'm in the midst of a rough day with my toddler. I had just entered the comment section and saw some of those comments right before I saw your comment. Much love and hugs to you on your healing journey as well. ❤
Thank you so much for saying what so many of us need to hear (and want to say!)
Thank you ❤
Thank you! I tend to fall for addicts avoidants manipulators etc with one right now and we now have a child together. This relationship has been SO rocky and unstable he’s either avoidant or disorganized like me. I’m betting more on disorganized because he’s clingy when I pull away and pulls away when I’m clingy. The type we’ll never fully be on the same page. And I keep trying to break up with him especially now since he hasn’t been home in 2 weeks. But everytime I do and I try to bring his stuff to him where he’s at he reels me back in with I love yous and such and I feel guilty I feel bad and I also do love him so it’s hard to let go. But I also realize it’s unhealthy and our daughter doesn’t need to go through that she doesn’t deserve to have to believe this is how mommy’s and daddy’s are. This is how relationships are because I’ve seen healthy loving relationships and it’s nothing like this. I tell him, I want to get more help especially for my post partum. Because he won’t just be there for me it’s always a damn competition of who’s got it worse. And he always somehow “wins” in that department and I somehow end up comforting him. So im hurt, tired and giving up the fight until he seeks help like I have and we can have a proper healed loving relationship and if he doesn’t well he’s gonna have to watch me move on the same way he watched his first baby mama move on.
Thank you for that.
At 48 i just learned why i always craved intimacy but am terrified of it. Sad to see how it has affected my life but happy i finally know so i can work on it.
Kudos
I have a couple years on you and I'm in the same boat. Not an easy road, but narrow is the path as they say
@@LastEarBender I never heard that saying before. As painful as it is, I'd rather the narrow path after seeing the destruction others have created.
@@sspencer4036 💯
One of the things that’s helped me and partners as an “earned” secure attachment style, previously DA is honesty. Being honest with my partner about my desire to pull away or cling generally helps me calm my nervous system and communicates to my partner that what they are experiencing is real (no gaslighting) and that my fear is likely unrelated to something they are intentionally doing. Communication is key.
Started counseling, he is an avoidant, I'm secure attachment. 5 months of roller coaster, all long distance, both late 50's. Both took a decade off from relationships/dating. I'm investing because I think he's worth it & the pro's outweigh the con's. Not giving up.
I feel like when I started dating my current gf (8yrs and now my fiance ce) I was securing attached to begin with, then after a year or so, it was clear to me that she is a DA. This combined with life stresses brought me into being a AP. After years of attempting and failing to get her to open up & us to be closer, I'm definitely on this disorganized attachment spectrum.
It's not that I don't want us to be closer, it's that I'm out of ideas.. like a kicked puppy.. I just shutdown & avoid anything meaningful. I'm essentially worn down to nothing with nothing else to give. -JSFG / Afterthought
Enmeshment. Check out Heidi Priebe, she has great videos on the topic.
I know you love this person, but you're not married yet. Is this what you want for the rest of your life? Is this other person improving at all or working to meet your needs as you endlessly try to meet theirs?
Ouch, that sounds painful and you deserve so better. You are having a tough time leaving not the person you e described, but the one you created in your head that you think she is or will be. No reason to get married until you accept what you wrote is your reality.
Leave, before it's too late. Do not get married if you don't want a life time of the problematic behaviour. You said you was a secure attachment, now this girl's turned you avoidant? My love, the writing is on the wall.... Exit stage left ⬅️
Love should heal you, not make you sick.
I have this. First I'm madly in love with someone next thing i know i can't stand them anymore and want them gone even from my memory
So I’m curious about your view on the concept of attachment styles shifting with time and experiences? My therapist told me a while back she thinks my attachment style might actually be disorganized. It was wild to hear because I’ve only had long standing and stable relationships up until the last few years. An eleven year relationship that I assumed was stable up until the last few years, left me with some intense betrayal trauma (cptsd) I’ve been unpacking and working through. I’ve found now later in life that I have this push / pull with relationships of all sorts, that’s indicative of a disorganized attachment style. Where my childhood, and my previous love life seemed to be fairly secure. But yeah. I don’t see as much research or literature talking about attachment styles changing over time and experience.
They are most highly at risk of developing codependency. So long as their partner is not being narcissistic, and being patient and consistent and stable and committed, and know and are supportive of their individual interests and family and friend relationships instead of trying to push/drag them to bond only through their own interests/hobbies/passions, things will improve.
thank you
Is this the same as BPD?
Thank yu man that really helps
thanks man 🙏
Very said!
Many thanks for the video. Am starting to see a girl now for about little over a month and we have been on about 11 dates. Am defiently have the disorganized style and it seems like she is having a more calm/secure style. I reallyt want this to work and i dont want to push her way, by demanding to much, because am insecure if she wants me, like i want her. For me its really much about, that i want to feel her emotionly more, that see wants me by telling that in lovely ways and doing initiative, so it not always me fx thats takes initiative to sex or holding hands and so on, or saying kinds word about me.
My question is. Is okay to ask her to be more emotionly showing her feelings for me, so it makes me more stabil and relaxed? I have notice that she not often uses a lot of emotionely describing words about my like (i really like you or i love to be around you and so on). We are not yet calling eachother a couple, but we are not dating other, but i really hope to be a couple with her :) Fuck am so confused about her feelings for me :(
Chill until she asks for commitment bro. As hard as it is, when we get anxious. Just try to ride it out. If she pulls away, don't freak out. If she comes towards you don't smother her.
Or if you’re me as an DA, the easiest step is don’t bother thinking about dating/marriage.
Can’t pass on the baggage/trauma to anyone else, no toxic relationships, and you live a stress free life.
Yes. I can't take it anymore. I'd rather be alone. All the work I have done to change hasn't made anything easier or better in relationships. I just get out faster because I am less toxic so I don't hold people to my side anymore. I just let them go.
That’s kinda what I’m doing right now😂 It could also be cuz of my last relationship with a narcissist. Now my trust issue worsen than ever 🤪
This applies to deep friendships, too? Or only when some level of emotional bonding gets involved?
Doesn't really sound stress free tbf.
Additionally, I think I can overcome my traume and all of it's consequences, at least to a point where I can have a meaningful, happy and , fulfilling relationship.
No, you will not live a stress-free life. Not only do you not have another person to split your mental load or to bounce ideas off, and not only are you missing out on richer aspects of human life, you will also live a shorter life. A lonely life is the equivalent of smoking 12 cigarettes a day, and the GABA-release pathway (which comes from oxytocin bonding) is unavailable to you.
The "cope" way is to don't bother. The courageous way is to face down your trauma and do somthing about it.
So who is going to pay for this therapy? Sounds like the best thing to do is just remain isolated if you cant afford this magic therapy 😅
IKR??? I tried and failed to find therapists. I gave up.
They're problematic and toxic especially to secure attachment people. Don't ask questions just slip away if you know their behaviour is not 🚫 for you. Then watch videos that expose their behaviour and take notes so you can discern the next person you date well. If you're not careful you'll be turned into an avoidant by trying to have a relationship, or you could become anxious. I've dogged both now I understand their behaviour better and I try to have a friendship only, I don't want my peace disturbed constantly, but I want to understand so I know who to date and who to turn away sooner rather than later. You've been warned, especially secure attachment people just because we can deal with avoidant people does not mean we should always and risk our own sanity, they must get therapy and do the work. Let them date each other or not at all, we are not door mats with endless empathy for their behaviour.
Exactly! Hear! Hear! These avoidants are low key narcissists, I'm telling you! You could be as secure as they come, with double padlocks and CCTV, they will turn you anxious just by the sheer nature of the push/pull game they play. Nah, I'm not buying it sorry. They're not worth it, they're not 'THAT' special. And besides most are boring. Really, really boring!
@@LivingBeyondBeauty That's... disgusting.
I agree, avoidant behaviour is disgusting.....
No, sorry. You misunderstood. I meant everything you've said here is really disgusting. The lack of empathy especially. I'm really sorry about whoever hurt you enough to come here and start taking it out on the people this video was meant to help. But I think you should find professional help and learn to heal and forgive.
@meli4329 I'm fully aware of the meaning or intent behind the comment. And I'm unapologetic about what I wrote. That's because it's true. I do have empathy, I really do. However, the hurt and pain inflicted on others by avoidants are simply unacceptable!
Just don't. :(
Maybe you're right ... But I have this attachement style, I'll work a lot on it, and I hope I find at last a beautiful, stable, very long-term relationship
@@adelacelleall the best to you. 🙏
I hear you! I’m secure but was sating an FA, it’s not cool :(
@@dominiquecadet5976 FA is the toughest one. You are dealing with two people at the same time, one Anxious, one avoidant. In my experience they appear as secure first, with some anxious tendencies (often telling you to not leave them), then finally shift into their avoidant side, which often is surprisingly strong towards DA. Also I believe many FAs had some really intense and devastating experiences in their lives, family tragedy, severe abuse... it's a bit more than just a parent being a somewhat neglectful or not always being there for them.
@@corumeach Sounds exactly like my ex gf! I knew she had some self esteem issues but for the most part pretty grounded. Early on she was definitely anxious, sometimes I'd tell her "we need to talk" she always thought I was going to break up with her. Then as we got closer and started to open up more she followed my lead but got spooked and started to pull away. She started acting cold and mean; hoping I'd just leave. I was willing to communicate and work things. Things were starting to get real and she was uncomfortable. Shame.