6 months was right when she bailed out of nowhere. We didn't have one argument in those 6 months and she love bombed the hell out of me and pulled me in sooo close, then boom, GONE FOREVER
We're comparing apples to biscuits. Even if they COULD love, it's not like normal people love. I wish they would just stick with each other and quit ruining lives and torturing the rest of us.
Interestingly, from the book, "Attached" it talks about how these people don't last in relationships together, because neither one of them would be willing to put in the work. Hence, long-term relationships guarantee that the other person has to be anxiously attached. I wish I understood all this 9 years ago.
@The-Plane-Guy I recently bought that book but haven't cracked it. I guess I should have said they DESERVE to be only with each other. They are miserable and akin to Narcs. Both know exactly what they're doing. Especially at 60 years old. Come on.
@@The-Plane-Guy I think my (2nd) wife and I are both moderately DA and it works, though with some bumps like any couple. But as you say, I don't think either of us wants to put in work, so it was about finding a match that was very very very compatible. We had known each other for years before we got together. We also each do a lot independently. I bet anxious people would look at us and say we're just roommates with kids, but we are both really happy with the life we've built together. We're finally in a partnership where no one feels controlled.
@@The-Plane-Guyyes, I’ve been promoting that book since I read it in November. There’s more avoidant’s on the dating market than anyone else. And anxious people have a bad habit of ignoring minor red flags in the dating stage and confusing their own attachment system giving them anxiety over these red flags, for butterflies and that these behaviours in others aren’t a danger. Boom, repeated relationships with emotionally unavailable people. I’ve interpreted the book saying ‘obviously you can’t just asked directly’ to me just asking directly on dating apps what people’s preferred level of emotional intimacy is and asking is leaning on someone and having someone lean on them, an integral part of what they are looking for, or is it just a given to expect that and they don’t really think about it, or do they think people should be a bit more independent than this? Put it across in a super casual way like “Ooh, let me ask you something” right in the middle of chatting s##t about pineapple on pizza. Ask about how many times they’ve been in love. Ask what their longest relationship is. Secure and anxious people won’t bat an eyelid at answering these questions. But watch how many people glitch in the middle of an otherwise good chat with you and either don’t message you back, or make legit-sounding excuses not to answer (“I’m uncomfortable talking about things by text when I don’t really know someone that well”) or unbelievably, some people will even get annoyed. I would put good money on all those reactions being avoidant people on the dating market. Try it for yourself, it’s brilliant. Also, don’t ignore the response but because the other person is super attractive / funny / you have loads of shared interests. Remember, you’ve been down this road before. Think how your avoidant ex who you know so well and still can’t answer properly, imagine their reaction to those questions if you’d have asked before they cause you pain. Have a good one :)
@@tredd9019 look at the comment I’ve just left the other guy. And try that advice next time you’re on a dating app. Remember, most single people, looking for a relationship, are avoidants, in way bigger numbers than secure or anxious. Avoidants are quicker to end things and they are quicker to get over an ex, so they are filling up the percentages of singles. Try those questions I’ve started to ask. There’s absolutely no harm in asking them, you’re trying to find a life partner, not someone to order a specific pizza with, ask those important questions and see how many people start squirming and making excuses not to give a straight answer…. They’re most likely avoidant’s. You’ve saved yourself a tonne of heartache.
We came back from a trip together that went really well. I felt bonded. She blurted out in anger, "I don't care what you do. You can stay, or go. I don't care!!" Later came the text, saying I was looking for more than she was, and that was the end... or was it? A few weeks later, we were together and she said, "I love you!". Roller coaster ride. I walked away. Numerous hoover attempts later it was done and I was gone.
So there wasn’t an argument or any type of tension before she blurted that out? Wow. I can relate to the “I love you” and then a week or so later, communication and actions that were opposite.
@@RayRayNDemUSA Nope, no argument. Things were just normal, friendly up to that. Blind-sided. Perhaps she too felt bonded which activated her avoidance.
So all that was not real? One and a half years! 😢 She was the love of my life. Five days before pulling the rug off, she was telling me that I’ll always be her man, that I’m the best man she’s ever known, that she loves me.. and then boom. It’s been six months and I was crying earlier in the afternoon today missing her. I leave justice to God because He will give me justice for the pain she caused me.
I feel you dude. Its been 6 months for me too. She blocked after 2 months because I reached out and told her I still care about her and her daughters. I doubt I'll ever hear from her again and I'm still fucked up over the whole thing. They say it'll get better over time but I still feel the same. Keep your head up
@@jdub1788 you too! Life is long. You will get over it because we're humans and we just do. It's just a tragedy that's all. We're smarter now. We didn't know in the beginning. If we did we could have saved ourselves the heartache.
Same here. 1 1/2 years and then boom, it’s over. However, I did beat myself up a bit because I saw red flag behavior and heard red flag communication and did not properly address it, much of it were strong indications of secretive behavior and other activities to damage and destroy the relationship. That won’t happen ever again.
@@SFW7 yeah they do that. Tell you they can’t live without you while their dropping their wedding rims on the table. Mind blowingly devastating especially when it’s on repeat. Just as you think things are going great boom. I had 21 yrs of it. Blame myself for caring enough to work on my marriage and our kids and grandkids. His own son has nothing to do with him for years. Says I lit all really
Yes. Likewise. Mine just finished after same amount of time. Apparently the most painful of all the types of breakups. Go no contact, it's agony but hang in there ....
Tomorrow will be 7 weeks no contact I was the one to walk away because I realised he would never change. The first break up was 11 months no contact and he said he had changed and was willing to try And out in the work I learned a lot about myself in the last year He did something mean and I just said please don’t call me again ! And he said fine and that was it. I missed his birthday, Christmas, new years so I’m proud of myself However Some days I feel so sad I always go back, but this time I’m trying to stay strong 😭
@@msrae78 Your story echoes mine. Please don't go back. I ended mine, and when I did, he said, "Good because I lost all feelings for you, and you are like a gangrene limb to me, so cutting you off will be easy." It felt as if he had stabbed my heart with a knife. I am in my 4th month and getting stronger.
@@msrae78 I’m in my 5th month of no contact. I promise you, it gets better, especially the more you learn to understand that one person can’t carry an entire relationship and in the end, it would have always ended up this way. It’s beyond painful. Give all that love to yourself now, you need and deserve it.
So accurate. Completely mis-aligned expectations from the outset never ends well. Especially when I made the mistake of asking the DA the fatal question "Hey.. are we ok...?". Dumped within 2 weeks of asking (after an amazing issue free 4 months). Then breadcrumbed ever since while she's with the new guy. Go figure... and good riddance.
Can you make a compassionate video that we can show a friend we think is an avoidant? I have a friend who is suffering, unaware of why their relationships aren't working, and I wonder if there is a way to gently point out their pattern?
Don't think I ever seen my ex even hug her daughter let alone tell her she loved her. But in saying that she spent all her time & effort doing every single thing she wanted, as a distraction/to distance from our relationship now I look back. Prioritized her & 13yo daughters opinion well over mine, strange relationship that one.
Going by this info....If a DA attempts to ever reach out to you in any way, it's most likely not for any form of trying to emotionally reconnect.In all likelihood it's just merely for validation & possibly the safety/security of having you as a "safety net" to fall back on if needed.Emotionally these people are actually very low functioning, it's both horrible & tragic.
i have date NPD. they are really really heartless, zero empathy, to the point that i almost crazy to think everyday that he always blaming me for everything. i sick at that moment and feel likes i loose my apetite, lose my weight in short period time. and for Avoidant, recently i date one. he have heart, feeling. can be happy, angry, sad, cry like a normal human it just that he always suddenly get distant and silence and it triggers fight between us and yup after 6 month we broke up. he just completely avoid me. for avoidant all i see is they show love by action, not words. just like bring you food, buying food for you, he come to my home which is very very far from him even when it's on heavy rain. he still deliver me to station on early morning before i comeback for christmas etc but yeah for me communication with them is difficult ....it triggers my wounds too
My ex said he loved his parent's health care workers more than he did his own kids. They are about the same age as his children, but are both narcissist. He had very little to do with his children as they were growing up, and now wants to have a relationship with them now that they are in their 40s. Sad.
Unfortunately, he doesn’t love himself therefore has no love to give. He just needs validation and love from others until he sucks the life right out of you.
And yes, it was brutal. After 5 years of flawless respect and care, he pulled the rug 2 weeks before I had major surgery. I was broadsided. I remember when I arrived at the hospital that morning, I knew that I wouldn't wake up from surgery with the text or a call. My mom was 84 at the time and she needed him more than I did. That's what broke my heart the most. He's a major celebrity and a multi-millionaire. And since we have become broken, he has built a mansion..but recently he told my mother that he is thinking of selling it before he'll even move in. Our plan was to buy crumbling lighthouses and restore them. A simple but meaningful pursuit. Instead he got a massive, empty vessel with hallways so big that they echo. And a hot girlfriend. People see him as so strong when he has such crippling anxiety that he won't drive a car. I was the only one that knew that. I'm deeply wounded, but I try to remember the best. It's interesting to think about how at the time I needed him the most, he disappeared. To me, that would have been unfathomable.
They dont have any emphaty to others , and they try to avoid vulnerability at all cost ! This situantion is not normal , I will never forget this and never forgive. I hope you doing well now
@@ik6577Most likely there were 🚩s early on but many people overlook them until it ends badly unfortunately.... I'm thankful this info is gradually getting out.
What I don’t understand how avoidant attachment could be treated with simple talking therapy if it’s hormones (serotonin, dopamine and oxytocin) balance in the body rules that behaviour 🤷🏻♀️.
Me neither. It's a disregulation of Oxytocin and they call it an attachment style. If you get dysregulation of Dopamine you get ADHD and you need to go to a psychiatrist to get a prescription for pills to take.
Hi coach Ryan Is it possible to do a direct message to you via email or some other way ? I would like to ask you something with my situation, to be able to understand in what situation I really am in ! Because in my situation there is not only the avoiding attachment that is present, but other stuff as well that makes it more complex ! And I would like your insight and your input/feedback to get a more clear picture of what could be the whole picture and getting some kind of closure (closure that I really could need to move on with my life) ! Thank you very much in advance coach Ryan ! And the Best Wishes for the New Year !!!
After only the 2 month mark the DA 🚹 I was trying to get to know had all his screwy behaviors start to surface...I 🏃🏻♀️ before it was even 3 months.If you're comfy expressing your emotions & talking about things you've experienced in your life, it'll trigger them sooner rather than later.Basically the more authentic YOU are, the faster they're going to become triggered....This is why you want to confidently approach the 2nd power struggle stage of a relationship so you can weed these avoidants out quickly, virtually all of them fail the 2nd stage but do fine for the basic more shallow romance 1st stage.
It was absolute Hell for 15 years!! We started dating really young and over time a switch flipped. I naively thought he would grow and mature as a person and I was wrong 😭. They are broken people and unaware of the hurt and damage they do to others. It's tragic.
I was married for 5.5 years. The beginning was amazing, love and love bombing. There were red flags I chose to ignore believing how love will fix everything. Always this sense of something being a bit off. We moved around a lot and she also had significant family issues so I think that kept her distracted and in relationship. I also had childhood trauma that left me prone to angry outburst. That plus really stressful time at work left me quite emotionally unavailable. As soon as things stabilized, i resolved my issues, started to show her more attention etc, some 3 years into the marriage, she started to distance herself. Then she started going to therapy and that's when things really fell off a cliff. I suppose therapist was encouraging her fears and anxieties and she withdrew her self completely stopped talking, started with distancing strategies. I on the other side continued to delude myself that she is busy and everything will be alright. On the end she discarded me over the phone while I was abroad dealing with my mothers affairs bc she has passed away. Completely heatless and without any empathy. I returned to an empty apartment and remember calling her in the middle of the night crying uncontrollably on the phone begging her to do something just to help me. I didn't need her back or anything I need just something to ease the pain, a hug, anything. Complete deadness on her side. Nothing. I believe these are deeply damaged individuals and if you ever meet one don't walk, run. No therapy can help them - mine was in therapy for a year and a half before the discard.
ok, I'll take a chance and reply as a DA husband. I'm in my second marriage - first made it almost 10 years before I left an anxious partner. I feel like my strengths are "50s dad" kinda things. I am very dependable, helpful, faithful, polite, respectful, and I work hard to earn a good living and look after my family. I'm even modern in the sense that I wash dishes and change diapers and take my kids to the playground. It's a great, stable, conventional home. As I partner, I care for & look out for you - but I mean that in very practical ways. Because I get it - trying to have an emotional discussion with me is like trying to describe colors to a blind man. Whatever problems people tell me about, my honest reaction is "sounds like you need to suck it up and do the hard thing" - which is how I try to live my own life too. And I don't handle conflict or criticism well. I'm not at all controlling, but I am stubborn as a mule about resisting anyone else controlling me. Love me or leave me. I'm incredibly resistant to change, even though I know it's a problem.
@@ivylin8103 The majority of healthy people and possibly anxiously attached people want labels. Without labels, they can have the freedom to do as they please with whoever they want without any restrictions.
@RayRayNDemUSA yes it's hard but I need to close the door to that person. and I hope those people knows about their attachment styles. to communicate properly to others
@@ivylin8103 I am with you on that. I only would date someone secure or anxiously attached. I can lean anxious at times and with my awareness, I can relate to them in a way that reassures and calms their anxiety.
Unfortunately they seem to believe love is a feeling and an emotion.
I could never get either FA to understand real love is a choice and a commitment.
6 months was right when she bailed out of nowhere. We didn't have one argument in those 6 months and she love bombed the hell out of me and pulled me in sooo close, then boom, GONE FOREVER
Facts. Same here. Try not to stress them. Hurts like hell but we deserve better.
Same here !
Almost same as me...
Same here. Six months and ghosted. Remember it's not your fault. Stay strong!
We're comparing apples to biscuits. Even if they COULD love, it's not like normal people love. I wish they would just stick with each other and quit ruining lives and torturing the rest of us.
Interestingly, from the book, "Attached" it talks about how these people don't last in relationships together, because neither one of them would be willing to put in the work. Hence, long-term relationships guarantee that the other person has to be anxiously attached. I wish I understood all this 9 years ago.
@The-Plane-Guy I recently bought that book but haven't cracked it.
I guess I should have said they DESERVE to be only with each other. They are miserable and akin to Narcs. Both know exactly what they're doing. Especially at 60 years old. Come on.
@@The-Plane-Guy I think my (2nd) wife and I are both moderately DA and it works, though with some bumps like any couple. But as you say, I don't think either of us wants to put in work, so it was about finding a match that was very very very compatible. We had known each other for years before we got together. We also each do a lot independently.
I bet anxious people would look at us and say we're just roommates with kids, but we are both really happy with the life we've built together. We're finally in a partnership where no one feels controlled.
@@The-Plane-Guyyes, I’ve been promoting that book since I read it in November.
There’s more avoidant’s on the dating market than anyone else.
And anxious people have a bad habit of ignoring minor red flags in the dating stage and confusing their own attachment system giving them anxiety over these red flags, for butterflies and that these behaviours in others aren’t a danger.
Boom, repeated relationships with emotionally unavailable people.
I’ve interpreted the book saying ‘obviously you can’t just asked directly’ to me just asking directly on dating apps what people’s preferred level of emotional intimacy is and asking is leaning on someone and having someone lean on them, an integral part of what they are looking for, or is it just a given to expect that and they don’t really think about it, or do they think people should be a bit more independent than this?
Put it across in a super casual way like “Ooh, let me ask you something” right in the middle of chatting s##t about pineapple on pizza.
Ask about how many times they’ve been in love.
Ask what their longest relationship is.
Secure and anxious people won’t bat an eyelid at answering these questions.
But watch how many people glitch in the middle of an otherwise good chat with you and either don’t message you back, or make legit-sounding excuses not to answer (“I’m uncomfortable talking about things by text when I don’t really know someone that well”) or unbelievably, some people will even get annoyed.
I would put good money on all those reactions being avoidant people on the dating market.
Try it for yourself, it’s brilliant.
Also, don’t ignore the response but because the other person is super attractive / funny / you have loads of shared interests.
Remember, you’ve been down this road before. Think how your avoidant ex who you know so well and still can’t answer properly, imagine their reaction to those questions if you’d have asked before they cause you pain.
Have a good one :)
@@tredd9019 look at the comment I’ve just left the other guy.
And try that advice next time you’re on a dating app.
Remember, most single people, looking for a relationship, are avoidants, in way bigger numbers than secure or anxious.
Avoidants are quicker to end things and they are quicker to get over an ex, so they are filling up the percentages of singles.
Try those questions I’ve started to ask. There’s absolutely no harm in asking them, you’re trying to find a life partner, not someone to order a specific pizza with, ask those important questions and see how many people start squirming and making excuses not to give a straight answer…. They’re most likely avoidant’s.
You’ve saved yourself a tonne of heartache.
We came back from a trip together that went really well. I felt bonded. She blurted out in anger, "I don't care what you do. You can stay, or go. I don't care!!" Later came the text, saying I was looking for more than she was, and that was the end... or was it? A few weeks later, we were together and she said, "I love you!". Roller coaster ride. I walked away. Numerous hoover attempts later it was done and I was gone.
So there wasn’t an argument or any type of tension before she blurted that out? Wow. I can relate to the “I love you” and then a week or so later, communication and actions that were opposite.
@@RayRayNDemUSA Nope, no argument. Things were just normal, friendly up to that. Blind-sided. Perhaps she too felt bonded which activated her avoidance.
@@angstrom1058 I am sorry you went through that experience. It’s like being with two different people in one body.
So all that was not real? One and a half years! 😢 She was the love of my life. Five days before pulling the rug off, she was telling me that I’ll always be her man, that I’m the best man she’s ever known, that she loves me.. and then boom. It’s been six months and I was crying earlier in the afternoon today missing her. I leave justice to God because He will give me justice for the pain she caused me.
Try 13 years of marriage and 4 kids, and loads of fun and great times and family building together.
I feel you dude. Its been 6 months for me too. She blocked after 2 months because I reached out and told her I still care about her and her daughters. I doubt I'll ever hear from her again and I'm still fucked up over the whole thing. They say it'll get better over time but I still feel the same. Keep your head up
@@jdub1788 you too! Life is long. You will get over it because we're humans and we just do. It's just a tragedy that's all. We're smarter now. We didn't know in the beginning. If we did we could have saved ourselves the heartache.
Same here. 1 1/2 years and then boom, it’s over. However, I did beat myself up a bit because I saw red flag behavior and heard red flag communication and did not properly address it, much of it were strong indications of secretive behavior and other activities to damage and destroy the relationship. That won’t happen ever again.
@@SFW7 yeah they do that. Tell you they can’t live without you while their dropping their wedding rims on the table. Mind blowingly devastating especially when it’s on repeat. Just as you think things are going great boom. I had 21 yrs of it. Blame myself for caring enough to work on my marriage and our kids and grandkids. His own son has nothing to do with him for years. Says I lit all really
Coach Ryan, you are a cool dude!
Dating them is quite similar like catching the thief who later escapes ...
Could you do a video on how to spot an avoidant before you get in a relationship with one.
Avoid the avoidants, that's the only sure way to save oneself a headache and heartbreak.
Absolutely incredible. So hard to hear but equally so helpful 🙏
My whole heart hurts … I just cannot deal!
3 years of my life waiting, trying, learning
I’m done for good !
Yes. Likewise. Mine just finished after same amount of time. Apparently the most painful of all the types of breakups. Go no contact, it's agony but hang in there ....
Tomorrow will be 7 weeks no contact
I was the one to walk away because I realised he would never change. The first break up was 11 months no contact and he said he had changed and was willing to try
And out in the work
I learned a lot about myself in the last year
He did something mean and I just said please don’t call me again ! And he said fine and that was it.
I missed his birthday, Christmas, new years so I’m proud of myself
However Some days I feel so sad
I always go back, but this time I’m trying to stay strong 😭
@@msrae78 Your story echoes mine. Please don't go back. I ended mine, and when I did, he said, "Good because I lost all feelings for you, and you are like a gangrene limb to me, so cutting you off will be easy." It felt as if he had stabbed my heart with a knife. I am in my 4th month and getting stronger.
@@msrae78 I’m in my 5th month of no contact. I promise you, it gets better, especially the more you learn to understand that one person can’t carry an entire relationship and in the end, it would have always ended up this way. It’s beyond painful. Give all that love to yourself now, you need and deserve it.
So accurate. Completely mis-aligned expectations from the outset never ends well. Especially when I made the mistake of asking the DA the fatal question "Hey.. are we ok...?". Dumped within 2 weeks of asking (after an amazing issue free 4 months). Then breadcrumbed ever since while she's with the new guy. Go figure... and good riddance.
Can you make a compassionate video that we can show a friend we think is an avoidant? I have a friend who is suffering, unaware of why their relationships aren't working, and I wonder if there is a way to gently point out their pattern?
My was 7 or 8 months just gone!!! 😂😂😂😂 What a sad life they must live on an emotional roller coaster 🎢!!!!
Infatuation with the fantasy they created in their mind about you..
Avoidants dont even love their own children. They will say they do but their actions show neglect and a complete disregard for them.
My ex didn't say I love you too his son. It baffled me. He would always say they just didn't have that type of relationship...red flag #125
This! As soon as he’s rebound he’s disengaged
Really?
The only time I saw my ex DA get tears in his eyes was when he was talking about not having a relationship with his son.
Don't think I ever seen my ex even hug her daughter let alone tell her she loved her. But in saying that she spent all her time & effort doing every single thing she wanted, as a distraction/to distance from our relationship now I look back. Prioritized her & 13yo daughters opinion well over mine, strange relationship that one.
Going by this info....If a DA attempts to ever reach out to you in any way, it's most likely not for any form of trying to emotionally reconnect.In all likelihood it's just merely for validation & possibly the safety/security of having you as a "safety net" to fall back on if needed.Emotionally these people are actually very low functioning, it's both horrible & tragic.
i have date NPD. they are really really heartless, zero empathy, to the point that i almost crazy to think everyday that he always blaming me for everything. i sick at that moment and feel likes i loose my apetite, lose my weight in short period time.
and for Avoidant, recently i date one.
he have heart, feeling. can be happy, angry, sad, cry like a normal human
it just that he always suddenly get distant and silence and it triggers fight between us
and yup after 6 month we broke up.
he just completely avoid me.
for avoidant all i see is they show love by action, not words.
just like bring you food, buying food for you, he come to my home which is very very far from him even when it's on heavy rain.
he still deliver me to station on early morning before i comeback for christmas etc
but yeah for me communication with them is difficult ....it triggers my wounds too
Exactly. Same
My ex said he loved his parent's health care workers more than he did his own kids. They are about the same age as his children, but are both narcissist. He had very little to do with his children as they were growing up, and now wants to have a relationship with them now that they are in their 40s. Sad.
Unfortunately, he doesn’t love himself therefore has no love to give. He just needs validation and love from others until he sucks the life right out of you.
I experienced the same thing with mine. They can't love you if they don't love themselves.
Exactly. 👍
So needed to hear this
And yes, it was brutal. After 5 years of flawless respect and care, he pulled the rug 2 weeks before I had major surgery. I was broadsided. I remember when I arrived at the hospital that morning, I knew that I wouldn't wake up from surgery with the text or a call. My mom was 84 at the time and she needed him more than I did. That's what broke my heart the most.
He's a major celebrity and a multi-millionaire. And since we have become broken, he has built a mansion..but recently he told my mother that he is thinking of selling it before he'll even move in. Our plan was to buy crumbling lighthouses and restore them. A simple but meaningful pursuit. Instead he got a massive, empty vessel with hallways so big that they echo. And a hot girlfriend. People see him as so strong when he has such crippling anxiety that he won't drive a car. I was the only one that knew that.
I'm deeply wounded, but I try to remember the best. It's interesting to think about how at the time I needed him the most, he disappeared. To me, that would have been unfathomable.
They dont have any emphaty to others , and they try to avoid vulnerability at all cost ! This situantion is not normal , I will never forget this and never forgive. I hope you doing well now
@@ik6577Most likely there were 🚩s early on but many people overlook them until it ends badly unfortunately.... I'm thankful this info is gradually getting out.
amazing content Ryan. many thanks
What I don’t understand how avoidant attachment could be treated with simple talking therapy if it’s hormones (serotonin, dopamine and oxytocin) balance in the body rules that behaviour 🤷🏻♀️.
Me neither. It's a disregulation of Oxytocin and they call it an attachment style. If you get dysregulation of Dopamine you get ADHD and you need to go to a psychiatrist to get a prescription for pills to take.
@@loopsearcherbotIt's like a baby step down from a full-blown mental health condition in my opinion.
thank you, your explanations really helps me and the patterns are so clear . would you maybe make a video for the avoidant to watch ;-)?
24 years
4 months no contact. She blocked me after her last text and haven't even read my answers...
😢ll
I ask myself this quite a bit. I believe there may have been some love but overall, she was using and abusing me.
Hi coach Ryan
Is it possible to do a direct message to you via email or some other way ?
I would like to ask you something with my situation, to be able to understand in what situation I really am in !
Because in my situation there is not only the avoiding attachment that is present, but other stuff as well that makes it more complex !
And I would like your insight and your input/feedback to get a more clear picture of what could be the whole picture and getting some kind of closure (closure that I really could need to move on with my life) !
Thank you very much in advance coach Ryan !
And the Best Wishes for the New Year !!!
6 months, try 2 weeks to 1 month. Avoidants are inconsistant and childish.
After only the 2 month mark the DA 🚹 I was trying to get to know had all his screwy behaviors start to surface...I 🏃🏻♀️ before it was even 3 months.If you're comfy expressing your emotions & talking about things you've experienced in your life, it'll trigger them sooner rather than later.Basically the more authentic YOU are, the faster they're going to become triggered....This is why you want to confidently approach the 2nd power struggle stage of a relationship so you can weed these avoidants out quickly, virtually all of them fail the 2nd stage but do fine for the basic more shallow romance 1st stage.
what is it like to be married to an avoidant man I wonder? Anyone have a spouse that's an FA or DA?
@@RancidPetals23 yes me. 5 yrs dating 16 married. Was hell. Just like coach describes and worse. Too much to chat bout publicly.
It was absolute Hell for 15 years!! We started dating really young and over time a switch flipped. I naively thought he would grow and mature as a person and I was wrong 😭. They are broken people and unaware of the hurt and damage they do to others. It's tragic.
@ I'm so sorry.. 😢
I was married for 5.5 years. The beginning was amazing, love and love bombing. There were red flags I chose to ignore believing how love will fix everything. Always this sense of something being a bit off. We moved around a lot and she also had significant family issues so I think that kept her distracted and in relationship. I also had childhood trauma that left me prone to angry outburst. That plus really stressful time at work left me quite emotionally unavailable. As soon as things stabilized, i resolved my issues, started to show her more attention etc, some 3 years into the marriage, she started to distance herself. Then she started going to therapy and that's when things really fell off a cliff. I suppose therapist was encouraging her fears and anxieties and she withdrew her self completely stopped talking, started with distancing strategies. I on the other side continued to delude myself that she is busy and everything will be alright. On the end she discarded me over the phone while I was abroad dealing with my mothers affairs bc she has passed away. Completely heatless and without any empathy. I returned to an empty apartment and remember calling her in the middle of the night crying uncontrollably on the phone begging her to do something just to help me. I didn't need her back or anything I need just something to ease the pain, a hug, anything. Complete deadness on her side. Nothing. I believe these are deeply damaged individuals and if you ever meet one don't walk, run. No therapy can help them - mine was in therapy for a year and a half before the discard.
ok, I'll take a chance and reply as a DA husband. I'm in my second marriage - first made it almost 10 years before I left an anxious partner.
I feel like my strengths are "50s dad" kinda things. I am very dependable, helpful, faithful, polite, respectful, and I work hard to earn a good living and look after my family. I'm even modern in the sense that I wash dishes and change diapers and take my kids to the playground. It's a great, stable, conventional home. As I partner, I care for & look out for you - but I mean that in very practical ways.
Because I get it - trying to have an emotional discussion with me is like trying to describe colors to a blind man. Whatever problems people tell me about, my honest reaction is "sounds like you need to suck it up and do the hard thing" - which is how I try to live my own life too. And I don't handle conflict or criticism well. I'm not at all controlling, but I am stubborn as a mule about resisting anyone else controlling me. Love me or leave me. I'm incredibly resistant to change, even though I know it's a problem.
Thanks!
Thanks Ryan. Am LMFT by trade but learning a lot.
Thank you ❤
I hate it when he get closer then cannot define what we are. cannot commit. and we act like we are partners coz we do what lovers/partners do
Relationships without labels is right up their alley.
@@RayRayNDemUSA I hate no labels
@@ivylin8103 The majority of healthy people and possibly anxiously attached people want labels. Without labels, they can have the freedom to do as they please with whoever they want without any restrictions.
@RayRayNDemUSA yes it's hard but I need to close the door to that person. and I hope those people knows about their attachment styles. to communicate properly to others
@@ivylin8103 I am with you on that. I only would date someone secure or anxiously attached. I can lean anxious at times and with my awareness, I can relate to them in a way that reassures and calms their anxiety.
God I miss her so much
100% true. Speaking from witnessing it
Same !
@@BruceJC75 you got fight it to survive and have a quality of life. Stay strong