Yes exactly! Diagnosed bpd age 22* I was a sensitive kid I was physically abused at age 6 I was dismissed about it by adults And left to deal with it alone It's not always parents fault But it's definitely caused by being in a situation of vulnerability
I would have to agree. And I think a lot of these diagnosis’s overlap. Like I’ve watched countless BPD vids on here and I see a lot of correlation with invalidation coupled with highly sensitive traits, along with empathy. Highly attuned to the energies and intentions of others. There’s such a focus on fear of abandonment but WHY is the more important question. Why do we fear being left? Why is life so incredibly scary and empty? Maybe we are highly intelligent at the same time. Maybe the fear of immortality plays a role as well. I think psychiatry is great as far as uncovering a baseline goes, but overall, I believe that life from an all encompassing viewpoint is much larger than any diagnosis can own to.
Childhood trauma such as abandonment, verbal abuse, emotional abuse, and neglect causes surges in the stress hormone cortisol. This chronic exposure to elevated cortisol affects the size of the amygdala and hypocampus. Essentially it's brain damage that can be seen on an MRI. These children are often invalidated and don't feel they are worthy people. This results in a very psychologically damaged person. It's quite common. It affects men as well. Seems some people think it's a female diagnosis. These individuals have a difficult time acknowledging they have a problem because they think they are normal. Therefore treatment is not sought out. When it is sought out it takes years and years of psychotherapy to see improvement. BPD is about emotional hurt. They hurt. They hurt 100 times more than you can imagine. That's why so many self harm. To release the emotional pain and transfer to physical pain, which is less pain than the emotional pain.
So true. Borderlines have been invalidated by their loved ones and in turn have been abandoned. They don’t trust people as a result and have had to be self reliant. However they have low self esteem, due to low self worth caused by trauma. Such a painful psychological disorder to have.
In people with BPD, the neural pathways between the amygdala and the parts of the frontal lobe associated with checking a person's behavioural responses have not formed properly. The usual feedback loop that typically develops to tone the amygdala down or act as a foil for it when there is a perceived threat isn't there, so the person's response to whatever they perceive as a threat (which may just be a misinterpreted remark) is totally unchecked by the more thoughtful and rational part of the brain. After the event, these parts of the brain are engaged (once the immediate threat is gone) and the person often regrets their response and feels bad. With the right kind of therapy, these pathways can be developed but it's a bit like learning a new language. The older you are, the harder it is and you'll probably never be fluent but you can still get there if you practice the things learned in therapy (assuming the therapy is appropriate).
Jennifer Duke I did an mri a couple of years ago and I didn’t have any damage or anything abnormal showing but I have had very bad borderline for several decades. I was verbally and emotionally abused as a child. Not validated.
I was psychologically & emotionally abused by my parents, they always told me to get over it...like it was all my fault...& they minimized their abuse...they never stood up for me, with other authority figures...they made me apologize even when it wasn't all my fault
Same here When i was being beaten by teachers(common thing in india) my parents used to cheer and encourage them to beat me more. The weird thing is when i grew up and called them out on their shit,they were like when did we do all that Then it hit me,it was just another Tuesday morning for these bastards while for me it was a memory seared into my brain creating mistrust. They have never apologised to me and never will at this point.They even try to pass it off like they did it for my welfare which is hilarious in it’s own right. But that’s what i learnt from my experience,No one wants to be wrong and no one will ever understand so it’s better to just shut up and suffer i guess That’s my 2 cents
i was diagnosed at 37. 20 years ive been fighting through everything and didnt know what what happening. If you learn about yourself in your 20s you are blessed.
my dad is neglectful and my moms an alcoholic and they both treat me like im crazy and a massive inconvenience. my mom likes to take her anger out on me and my dad when hes angry just talks about how he hates my mom and then disappears to work or to his girlfriends house since hes cheating on her without saying anytthing and hes prod of it which makes her anger that she takes out on me worse. so my dad was absent my entire life basically never really around except for short periods. when he is around he just complains about my mom and cheats and my mom complains about him but also shes sad and lonely so she is clingy controlling over me since she has no real power in her life she has to control me and abuse me verbally and mentally. my dad when i was a kid he made me torture a squirrel and shoot it in the head in a bucket full of bleach and other chemicals while we drowned it in them then shot it in the head aand i was like 7 years old it was my first trauma. over time my parents left me with a pedophile and i dont wanna say anything else i was aroudn 10 years old i cant say what happened its too much and then they forced me to go to bars before i was 16 and made me go to their country mid life crisis shithole where they own a "vacation house" but its a shitty vacation because no one lives there except like 80 year old alcoholics and there was no one around so i would be forced to spend my weekends over there instead of being allowed to spend them at home with my friends from school bc they think i was not talking enough even tho i did talk i just dont talk to drunk people and i rather talk to my friends than them so they were trying to force a relationship and happiness with me. i was diagnosed at 21 after my ex fiance overdosed in front of me when i got back from the store to get her cigs and then i started doing fentanyl. other things in my adult life happened i dont wanna talk about bc its worse than what i mentioned you say im blessed but i dont feel blessed at all.
@@skankwave5245 I'm trying to break free again like I did when I was 18 it's harder this time because I have trauma yhat gives me panic attacks if I go outside too long. I won't get into the trauma that caused this because it's not TH-cam appropriate
Emotional neglect. Parents who don't delight in you and don't help you explore the world safely, leave you to figure out everything for yourself the hard way. You cry for help, self harm and try to tell anyone who will listen you dont feel a sense of belonging and theres no one there to listen. You cling on to favrotie people that hurt and disappoint you but youve got no home to return to for stability, so you get swept away into the unknown, and it shatters your reality.
Until you go Within and discover the Infinite Well of Unconditional LOVE. LOVE IS WHAT HEALS, TRANSFORMS, LIBERATES THIS ABSOLUTE LIVING HELLISH DIAGNOSIS
Wow, I spent my entire life depressed and totally alone.....tried to get help.............turned away . Diagnosed at 70 yrs. old finally with BPD..who knew??!!!!! Only alive because of two great adult sons and a wonderful dog
Somehow your comment massively triggered a hostile troll who was unable to brainstorm how you could be alone and yet have kids. I’d guess you had relationships that didn’t last long and ditto for living with anyone else as well. People do have kids without ever living with the other parent.
I was diagnosed with BPD traits. My entire life has been a struggle between goals and failing in every way. I gave up eventually and just settled with what I have. Something always seems to be wrong or off. I have zero support from family, but they are good at pretending they care, as long as I buy into their bullshit. I hate them for making me like this then acting like it's my fault. I have so much rage that I am afraid of myself. Years of suppressing it to appease them, now I have become a monster. I hope to get back into therapy because it's hard to live like this, as if I'm being taken over by this rage.
“…making me like this then acting like it’s my fault” I strongly relate to this (and the anger). I have this theory that people with BDP symptoms and other mental health problems/ addictions have suffered scapegoat abuse. I’ve only recently been learning about this, but this book has been very helpful- Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed: Help and Hope for Adults in the Family Scapegoat Role (Rebecca C. Mandeville MFT)
I understand everything you described, I can relate 100%, and I fled at 25 to America, to escape my family. Addictions and anger eventually reigned in my life. In the last 7.5 years, I’ve done so much work, especially allowing myself to FEEL, it’s been helping me heal
I've just discovered this channel. 25 years ago I lost a dear friend, who had BPD, to a drug overdose. He was open with me and his friends, about his diagnosis. I watched him struggle for the two years that I knew him and did what I could as a friend, but his death left me so sad for him. He was horribly abused as a child, deeply sensitive and creative and a joy to be around. He was my first true friend when I moved to a new city and he supported me, and taught me so much. Thank you for this channel. It's helping me increase my understanding of him even decades after his death.
I completely agree! I'm a twin and my brother always had a hard time in school so I was ignored. I always heard "you'll be fine because you're smart". I was 8 when my parents divorced and my dad moved me to Alaska. My mom lived in Rhode Island. My dad was abusive and shortly after the divorce my mom stopped calling. Left home at 16. I'm 54 now, have survived a dozen suicide attempts and pray for death every day. I have no friends or support of any kind. For some reason I've always been open about my mental health issues hoping someone will help me. 😢
Hey 🙂 I don’t have all the answers but if you’d like someone to air things out with and go back and forth, I’m alright to bounce things off of. I think there are “spiritual” problems that present as “mental” problems, simply through how the world is today (and I don’t mean you should get to church lol). It’s not as simple as thinking positively and taking a pill. Anyway, I’m fairly open-minded and would like to exchange thoughts, ideas, whatever. I’ll see if I can send you my email privately. Keep on trucking. You are no mistake and have way more value than you or your parents know ❤
The emptiness we feel is there because nobody was there when we needed them most. I was a good girl. I did my best not to cause any trouble or be a burden... After coming out with my suicidality at around age 20 I'm suddenly a problem they cannot deal with.
🫂🫂🫂🫂yes, we were left alone. I'm withyou huney, I can beyour mom. I am my own Mom 2. The pain burns.....you're not alone hunney, I love you, Mom lovesyou, dont be sad 🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂
Fellow good girl turned burden checking in. The saddest part about growing up and reflecting on your past is realizing that you only ever had yourself to depend on - just a small kid in a big, scary, confusing world. I hope you can be kind to yourself and learn to be your own rock, but also find someone who will see through the defenses we put up, love you for who you are and always be there when you need them to. Sending a big virtual hug your way, god knows we need one.
I was diagnosed BPD in my 50’s . My father was fanatical fundamentalist! Possibly bipolar . Rage episodes almost daily .My mother was manic depressive .I was watched over by my older sister who resented my existence. I was an outcast at school too. My father wouldn’t let us do normal things with other kids . I was assaulted on the bus and injured severely . My parents refused to show any concern and wouldn’t look me in the face. That’s when I knew I was never wanted and I was a burden to them . My father had repeatedly said it ‘you kids are too expensive . You cost too much. I’m not buying you clothes every year ! ‘ I knew I was worthless then. I wanted to die but knew not how . I escaped into a world of alcohol & drugs and left home early. I refused to go back. Years went by with no connection to my family of origin. I developed into 2 people . One kind, timid, shy, and innocent . The other angry, mean spirited and full of vitriol and venom for anyone who got close enough . It took 40 yrs of therapy to get at why I was disturbed . The processing was painful . At 61 I am not back in my body full time . I do not use drugs or alcohol . I have a successful marriage and a home . I am not afraid to die now . Although I have many reasons to live . At least the fear of not knowing who I was and why I was so unstable is gone now. I hope I have some good years left now. I will never forget the amazing counselors, therapists , and sympathetic people who helped me through this journey . May your journey be softer and kinder to you than mine was
Thank you for sharing your story, and, most especially the goodwill that you extend to us who read about your life. I really appreciate your time, honest candor and willingness to remain open to the “goodness” which life offers. ✨💖✨
Living with bpd cptsd hsp addictions trouble at work and the guilt of failed relationships but most of all childhood trauma is a constant pain stuck in you're head. Thank God for TH-cam cause it's far more helpfull than all the therapy sessions combined. I pray that you all get the help you deserve.. including myself. Stay strong!
There is no image of self for me: constantly shifting between who I know I am, think I am, come across as, depending on social context and internal emotions. Just exhausting to not be able to understand yourself and having no stable image of who you are. Depends who I am with/relationships I have and the boundaries I push for the knowledge of who loves me and who doesn’t; and trying to figure it out. Constantly unstable in terms of my being.
In case someone is not allergic to Catholic theology and the philosophy of St. Thomas Aquinas, I'd recommend a hefty tome called Introduction to the Science of Mental Health by a priest called Chad Ripperger. The first part will introduce you all the faculties of the mind, i.e. what is will, what is memory, what are decisions, what is rote learning, how reality is interpreted in light of memory and individual habituations. The second part is about morality and spiritual considerations. But in the third part it is possible to learn, based on the first part, what is hypnosis, what is attention (i.e. which faculties in the mind bring it about or fail to do so), what are addictions, how nervous breakdown happens and a few other surprising and interesting things. It is eight hundred pages and I have about a hundred to go.
Watching my BPD GF being hallowed out by emotional dysregulation is horrifying ... watching her deteriorate whilst I beg her to seek treatment. No amount of Love I give can ameliorate her pain. It is tragic.
You must take care of yourself. Untreated BPD has the power to utterly wreck personal relationships. It can become hellish and cause real damage to partners/loved ones. I hope you are getting therapy to help you have boundaries to protect yourself. Hopefully she will come to realize that she's suffering tremendously, and that she doesn't need to face this struggle on her own.
healthy boundaries ARE the structure a BPD person needs to heal. It's the last thing they want but it's the qbsence of boundaries that did the damage in the first place
WHAT "CAUSES BPD" Some combination of: Neurological propensities, Sensitive temperment + Lack of attachment + Trauma + Invalidation of needs and painful feelings associated with invalidation = BPD propensity Trauma: especially abandonment or threat of abandonment gets personalized to the child's sense of self. Not only, "I must be bad if my parent or parents abandon me," but even deeper to identity i.e. "if I cannot make my most important person/people love me and stay with me and create safety for me, I do not exist." This creates a love hunger with unfortunate extreme feelings fueling behaviors that push people away, creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. Note: A death of a loved one feels like abandonment to a very young child.
@@morisnakus6108 what do u mean? I left that comment up there 10 months ago, I was about 1 month out from 13 yrs with someone. They split on me and took everything. It was just a bizzar experience and wasn't normal at all. I had to Google what the hell was happening to me actually. This past year in learned about NPD and how it all works via hg Tudor and Sam vaknin, among others. And I came across BPD and tried learning about that as well. It felt like NPD fit her way better than BPD bc she could have easily ZERO care about anyone. Was like a switch flipped or something. When her parent died, I carried her casket, she seemed real sad and I consoled her when she randomly cried etc. Then few months later she abandoned me. It's been almost a year now and haven't seen or heard from them. 😕 just walked right past me, down the hall, and out the front door. Poof, gone...like 13 yrs NEVER happened..
I think this guy is underplaying how a parent can create a very different relationship with different children, and how that can be internalised by the child (and then adult) about being who THEY are. By just focusing on the dynamic once it exists, he is missing a crucial part of what has caused it. For some reason many mental health professionals are wary of acknowledging this, but I think it’s crucial for the recovery of someone with these symptoms. If we look deeply at how parents felt about/ treated someone from birth/ early childhood, this can help to uncouple them from the shame that had nothing to do with who they were, and everything to do with how they were treated.
OMG exactly. I get that no one wants to parent-shame, but... Therapists have a front-row seat to the lifelong psychological suffering caused by unempathetic parenting, and yet so many of them still refuse to openly acknowledge just how damaging those early events / relationships can be. In order to appear... professional? Some things are more important than professionalism. The field of addiction counselling is especially guilty of this. I've been / seen / heard of so many people getting retraumatised unnecessarily because some addiction counsellor wanted to play peacemaker or have the attitude of "nobody is ever to blame for anything... except you for your addiction." And of course you want someone struggling with addiction to take responsibility for getting treatment and chasing sobriety, but this gaslighty attitude isn't the way to achieve that. One can know damn well where the cause of your mental illnesses lies and still take responsibility now for doing all you can to heal. I wish more professionals would understand that nuance. But I'm grateful for the seemingly handful of therapists that stick their necks out and don't shy away from calling a spade a spade when it comes to abusive / neglectful parenting.
@@cygnelle1232 Yes and by the "standard mental health logic" as well as rehabs, court systems, and 12 step groups I can have a kid and emotionally abuse and gaslight them all their life but as long as I have a job, house, clothe, and feed the kid, pay my taxes, take them to the doctor when they get sick or tear their ACL and need knee surgery, constantly pressure them to overachieve so I look better to my friends and coworkers and other relatives in exchange for handing out conditional transactional love like a raffle prize, co-sign some loans for them for college, and "presto" I'm 100% "blameless" if that "selfish", "ungrateful", "reckless, irresponsible, overdramatic, attention seeking" child "God forbid" ends up with emotional problems or fails out of college or a job due to BPD and depression and suffers from addiction because apparently I "tried my best as a parent" and my "terrible horrible black sheep of a kid keeps blaming me for all their problems". I'm 30 and childless and unmarried and I would never have children because unlike some cluster b's who like to have kids for status and birth robot extensions of themselves to blindly worship them, I'd never bring children into this world knowing full well I've got one of the worst personality disorders out there plus unresolved Complex PTSD. So ya I'm not going to torture some poor unsuspecting kid with my mental illness just so I can have a human pet or human show pony and then disown them when they get old and tired and damaged and stop bringing home the trophies, unlike my father.
@@PassionateFlower 100% Same, Roxy. I'm a few years older than you and choose to have no kids for very similar reasons. We have to play the hand we were dealt, and we can take responsibility for doing all we can in the moment to heal, but I will not let my parents' abuses go unacknowledged. Especially since they have shown zero remorse.
It's because people with graduate degrees tend to be overeducated idiots. They don't think in terms of systems and evaluating sets of data for the ways which they interrelate. I've never met a carpenter, a plumber, an electrician, or some other tradesman that couldn't have been a psycho-analyst/psychotherapist and I've never once encountered it the other way. For some people, it takes a heap of common sense to overcome an education.
@@MichaelAllen-po4eo I completely agree, my father graduated from UCLA with a PhD in Engineering and Plasma Physics and has worked for a government research laboratory for over 30 years that also builds nuclear weapons for the military but he's as dumb as a bag of rocks when it comes to true emotional intelligence, being in touch with one's internal state, and utilizing real genuine empathetic communication skills for mutually beneficial interpersonal effectiveness. But he just surrounds himself with desperate enablers and "yes people" who he can look down on, feel superior to, who need him for his money and book smarts or expertise more than they need their dignity intact so he keeps getting away with far too much of his b.s. that he thinks doesn't stink to high heaven. I've cut ties with that man he has gone too far this past year I don't need anything from that kind of an apathetic remorseless hollow shell of a human being he can take all his degrees and his accomplished nonsensical academia ego stroking garbage and shove it right up his narcissistic logical spock-like left hemisphere and get a clue or die a smart idiot with a daughter he damaged for life who has to spend all her money on private practice therapy for the rest of her life because he just had to have kids and live his American Dream life and trample anyone in the process even his own family, his own children.
Every person I’ve known with bpd has pretty severe, chronic attachment trauma or invalidation. It is the parents fault if we are fault finding, they are responsible for the emotional tone and family interactions.
Thank you for saying it. I prefer failure vs fault, either way unfortunately my parents and many others' parents will never take stock of why. Part of my recovery continues to be about accepting this and reversing the lost years as best I can. There are many onion layers to that kind of grief.
The problem with fault-finding is it’s bottomless. For example, in looking at the parents you have to consider their upbringing, the types of parents they had, how they learned to cope as children/adolescents and respond to their environment, and from there you have to consider how those experiences shaped them as people and informed their parenting approach and general outlook on the world. Be critical but maintain balance. It takes a lot of compassion. In the end, we’re only responsible for ourselves. To be better as people means to be better toward others and work on developing trust, compassion, resiliency and faith.
Develop coping strategies: Identify healthy coping strategies that work for you, such as deep breathing exercises, practicing relaxation techniques, engaging in creative outlets, or seeking social support when needed.
I would have to push back on that a little bit (but respectfully). As the father of a daughter with BPD, I don’t accept that it is my fault, nor would she even remotely push that point of view. Her mother/my wife died when my dtr was 3. I don’t think that was my fault or my dtr’s fault. I guess you could blame the mom for dying as the cause but…I am sure she would have chosen not to die had she been given the option. I also do not think my dtr would ever claim that I wasn’t there for her or allowed her to grieve. I think there is a genetic predisposition and the wrong circumstances can push things to wrong way. My dtr and I are both sensitive people and we regularly have long talks and hikes and chat about whatever. She’s an adult now.
I also suspect that many young people returned from WWI and WWII with great trauma that was swept under the rug, then tried to raise children without the emotional capacity to do so. Many people have grown up with BPD and NPD and other problems as a result.
I am 54. I was diagnosed by 1978 with "Severe Anxiety Neursis" a One page report from 1978 described me as it came from the BPD manual. Dysregulated, Stubborn, not wanting to live, etc. By 1980 I was diagnosed with ADHD and was put on Ritalin and Dexedrine. I was an only child. My parents were alcoholics. They divorced by 1978. My mother had become sober by the time I was 4ish.. My father never did. I know they did both love me and did their best, but struggled with their own issues. My mother was a successful anesthesiologist which was a very stressful job. I went to the best schools but struggled, was almost put into residential treatment. I have a master's degree but work in non profit barely above the poverty line actually. I have often wondered why I had this soo bad.. I lived most of my life understanding the anxiety and ADHD part.. but I never handled stress well, was always very dysregulated and it was the dysregulation part that had been "missing" from my understanding. My working theory of why I was so bad.. is partly epiginetic and partly environmental. My mother drank, smoked and took probably various stimulatns and sleeping pills (it was 1968 and she was a doctor)... THAT probably affected my system. PLUS she was a doctor in a very stressful profession. She worked up to the day or so before I was born (she admitted). She had worked late nights (on call) so all that most likly contributed to my cortisol dysregulation while in utero. When was born, she then got Pleurisy, could not breast feed and 1968 newborns were highly regulated and wierd about feeding times and things. I probably didn't bond as I should with her. THEN she probably had about a month? 6 weeks ? Of maternity leave (she still drank) and I was then left in the care of an elderly woman Rose, who who knows how I was cared for by her... THEN my father when I was 4? went overseas to Maylasia for a civil engineering traffic studies job and was gone for almost a year. My mother reported I was not responding well to him being gone and that I "didn't understand these things". He also had an affair while overseas, .. he comes home, there is domestic arguments etc.. I was never physically abused out of cruelty or neglect. BUT I witnessed bad fights (not really physical though) and then by 1978 my dad was gone. He was in Texas and did he best to be a father long distance but he struggled.. I know my parents loved me but those first 10 years somehow did a major number on me. YET because of my experiences that did not involved direct abuse, I always blew it all off and denied I should have a problem and that I was just a "spoilled bad kid"... and I lived most of my life with this stern, authortarian mindset that was filled with self loathing and disgust and very little pitty. I pushed myself hard, beating myself up all the time, all the while anxious and dysregulated. I started cutting sophmore year in College cause I saw a guy I was into did it and well.. there ya go. (he probably was bi polar actually or maybe even borderline himself). All this ruined my life. Prevented me from seeking better situations. better jobs.. being more actualized.. That is my story...
well.. your story is a text book case of a bpd person. The abandonment (or ignorance by narcistic parent etc.) at the young age is causing such a damage in a child and later causing problems like BPD. From my experience BPD is a self-destructing behaviour but there are some medicines who can really help (and of course therapy). I wish you all the best.
Self-care: Practice self-care activities that promote your emotional and physical well-being, such as exercise, mindfulness, journaling, or engaging in hobbies that bring you joy.
Wow!! Finally, someone else who had a "doctor mother!!!" Do I ever get it!! I was the first child of my "perfect" mother and since her "accomplishment was SO high at that time, she was viewed as a "perfect" person - by "everybody" Of course, I couldn't meet her standards.....ever....especially as a toddler..........it goes on from there...........And no one knew what her 'yelling, hypercritical, constantly negative parenting was like. You sound much more socially successful than myself - and probably more intelligent, too. During my entire life, I have always felt like something that had been ground into the cracks of old pavement, below the surface people walk on. And I'm with you on the "it ruined my life." Yes, I totally understand how you felt and do. You're not alone and I wish I could say something that could help.
Thank you for taking the time to write this. I had a very similar situation growing up. 41 years old and finally starting to understand myself and get help. It's so hard. I wish you the best in this life❤
Disclosure: my older bro and I were raised by a narcissistic, abusive (physically and emotionally) mother. What I find interesting as I take bits and pieces from each contributor's video is all the little details add up to form a more coherent picture to explain why I have such a poor sense of self! (lol.) Anyway, I remember when my bro was getting a lot of attention (of the bad variety) by acting out constantly, getting into legal trouble, etc. I was about 14, and my friend once told me later, "it's like you were invisible in that household." I think that's part of what happened. I was just there, bland and quiet, trying to escape the worst of the "attention" that my bro was getting (being shipped off to rehab, being arrested, etc.) and in doing so, I had no attention whatsoever to really know from the primary same-sex parent who I was, who I could be, what I was good at. And so, my identity became a sort of vacuum. It's weird, because even in my middle age now, when I find myself expressing a value, even if it's done quietly, I congratulate myself saying, "see, there's a you inside of you, after all." It's just taken a long time and may never be finished, but it's worth the lifelong effort. Edit: I know he doesn't exactly validate the abusive pasts predominating the lives of most BPD folks like me. I dunno, I guess I'm old enough to ignore that now and just take out the good bits. Would I see this guy in a therapeutic situation? Nah, I'd probably run for the hills after one session. But I see a little truth here to describe just one corner of the complex painting that is BPD.
What profound rendering of your experience and what a quietly painful childhood and how interesting, your interpretation of its lasting impact on you. I don't know if you write as a practice, but your ability to express your experience through writing is gutting and beautiful because you speak with such unvarnished vulnerability. I hope you write and I wish you much growth and courage.
Your sharing is so helpful! I was alone, abused, and aroused from constant stress and fear every day: violent mother, alcoholic relatives, mom encouraged me to k…ll myself… I’m turning 39 in 10 days and I’m struggling a lot.
@@AnnaSzabo for me it helps a lot to know that anytime I can do it. Just to be in a position where are many possibilities to do it in many ways, somehow helps to stay alive. Like sailing or paragliding... base jumping might help also I suppose.
Thank you Sacks Oh With inspiration from one of the videos on this channel featuring Dr. Yeomans I thought about the critique you posted at the end of your text. It is a question about empathy in therapy and not sympathy. The family tree I come from have some really problematic issues. In the center there were and still are addiction problems and mental issues (covert anti social behavior that no one sees combined with overt ”careerism” that makes one look great to outsiders). Today I live in a peaceful situation with the predominance of emotionally cut off relationships. It is like a family of living deads but I finally experience peace in life. I had some terrible decades until there was a breakthrough when authorities stepped in and put me in treatment. What held me back from mental health was my pathological feelings of entitlement to be seen as the righteous victim. It did not matter that I was barred at many social places in my community because of my anti social antics. I felt righteous and that the world owed me sympathy. That is way it is important to not get stuck in the past so the concepts and beliefs can change.
When I was born there was a pink Balloon in the room. The nurses were shocked at the fact that I was watching the balloon float around the room. I think this is a testament to the hyper sensitivity of my senses from day one. I was always introspective and very very sensitive my entire life. This is what got in the way of my happiness, yet I wouldn't give it up for anything.
Learn to identify triggers: Understanding what triggers your intense emotions or behaviors can help you anticipate and manage these situations more effectively.
@@lilyghassemzadeh there is a spiritual or observational concousness that is housed by and driving our physical bodies. Our 5 senses help navigate around. Imagine if these senses were like the components of a car. Being hyper sensitive would be like the gas and the breaks initiating after you barley tap them and the steering wheel feeling very loose. You might have to put more focus into operating around.
My sister has been killed by bpd. I will never forgive this. She is alive but no longer there. I will forever be bitter and resentful of this. I don’t think anyone will ever understand. I swear, she was the most innocent creature or this earth. But the household abuse took her away from me forever. I only wish to meet you again. Forever bitter I will be. I talk to you in my dreams in the secret language we had before we were born. My sister I’m sorry I couldn’t protect you from the screams and psychological defects we were brutally exposed to. Forever bitter I will be.
i feel you bpd ruined me as well ;/ my dad is neglectful and my moms an alcoholic and they both treat me like im crazy and a massive inconvenience. my mom likes to take her anger out on me and my dad when hes angry just talks about how he hates my mom and then disappears to work or to his girlfriends house since hes cheating on her without saying anytthing and hes prod of it which makes her anger that she takes out on me worse. so my dad was absent my entire life basically never really around except for short periods. when he is around he just complains about my mom and cheats and my mom complains about him but also shes sad and lonely so she is clingy controlling over me since she has no real power in her life she has to control me and abuse me verbally and mentally. my dad when i was a kid he made me torture a squirrel and shoot it in the head in a bucket full of bleach and other chemicals while we drowned it in them then shot it in the head aand i was like 7 years old it was my first trauma. over time my parents left me with a pedophile and i dont wanna say anything else i was aroudn 10 years old i cant say what happened its too much and then they forced me to go to bars before i was 16 and made me go to their country mid life crisis shithole where they own a "vacation house" but its a shitty vacation because no one lives there except like 80 year old alcoholics and there was no one around so i would be forced to spend my weekends over there instead of being allowed to spend them at home with my friends from school bc they think i was not talking enough even tho i did talk i just dont talk to drunk people and i rather talk to my friends than them so they were trying to force a relationship and happiness with me. i was diagnosed at 21 after my ex fiance overdosed in front of me when i got back from the store to get her cigs and then i started doing fentanyl. other things in my adult life happened i dont wanna talk about bc its worse than what i mentioned
@imcrystalzapata you are creating your reality with that sentence you repeated. "I will forever be bitter" Why not try instead to f#ck with the algorithm and become the opposite of what you were role modeled ❤
Good stuff. I realized quite early (childhood) that I evaded my parents emotionally. Looking back I'm amazed at how dysfunctional I was, and how impossible it is for me to explain myself. It's a very complex matter. Now at 43, I am errr... *ahem* yet again presented with the opportunity of a new life. But joking aside, I'm heartbroken. But never down and out.
Build a support network: Surround yourself with supportive and understanding individuals who can provide empathy, validation, and encouragement. Joining a support group for individuals with BPD can also be beneficial.
So basically our 'special' person is the one we are with when we learn about how we're supposed to act. I am MIND BLOWN RIGHT NOW!!! I know exactly who this is
Can you help me understand what he means by these special dependent relationships, where the person with bpd can feel like everyone else? I feel like I’m missing something... Thanks!
I was very very neglected as a child growing up, attacked and abused by them as well. Never really being able to connect with others the way I needed to. My mother died and my whole family left… that’s why I hold onto others with a deep fear of being forgotten and left
I’m highly sensitive and was given up for adoption. I do not have BPD. My adult daughter does though. I left her father when she was 6 months old due to abuse. He wasn’t in her life but it I still believe it was for the best. Is that an experience of abandonment? I spent my whole life missing my birth mother and never giving much of a thought about birth father. I did not know that would affect her. But this is the only abandonment trauma she had and was loved so much and well cared for
"Oh, I feel that. It's like Tupac said, 'Even a thug lady need love.' Absence and abandonment can definitely leave a mark. Stay strong like Biggie and keep pushing through, though."
@@ashatan4554 have you asked your daughter if she felt loved & cared for the way she needed to be or abandoned by you? It doesn't have to just be physical abandonment that leaves a child with abandonment wounds. A parent can be physically present but emotionally unavailable and that causes abandonment and rejection wounds much like a parent that physically abandons the child. Oftentimes that scenario is more traumatic because the child has to wrestle with feeling obligated to love the parent because they kept them physically alive, yet holding true at the same time that their parent was emotionally immature and neglectful and that can be one avenue of producing BPD in a child
My parents would've had me remain 3 forever if they could. They infantilized, co slept, and did everything for me until almost my teen years. At which point I began to feel suffocated and became very angry at them for violating normal boundaries
@ST-kr7hz - Your parents sound narcissistic as are mine (who I have gone no contact with). Narc parents tend to do exactly as you describe - they infantilize and in the process, just like how it was said in the video, we begin to get less and less out of their same old interactions. Our emotional needs stop being met because we are still treated like we are children. Our sense of self stops being developed because we are still being associated like children. Not to mention, in all this, our sense of self esteem begins to plummet. I think some kids who have these kind of parents, on some level, do sense that we are being neglected but also don't know quite how to cope with that neglect. I distinctly remember how envious I was of my peers, not because they had nicer materialistic things, but because they had a certain quality of peace that just radiated from their sense of high selfworth. They carried themselves differently, held their space differently. They were more self-assured. They were much more mature, but looking back I'd say they were where they were for their age -- it was I that had stunted / arrested development. For a very long time, I strived to meet my parents' expectations and approval. Even in my dating life, I would always use my parents as a metric of picking out guys (as in I'd pick out men based on who I thought my parents would approve). Now, after many years of therapy, I use them as a metric of how NOT to be -- it is they who are infantile and stunted. I went no contact with them because I finally realized that their emotional immaturity is not something I want any man I was interested in to see, and really I didn't want to be associated with their toxicity any more, certainly not on a daily basis. This video doesn't address how parents are actually the first people to instill (and prolong) BPD in their kids which can keep them stunted for life if not treated.
Yeah same. I never learned how to turn on the stove until I was 17. Never knew how to do laundry, wash dishes, yard work, or how to take out the trash until I was almost 20. I begged for the opportunity to grow and learn but I was forced to learn helplessness. Couldn’t make friends, couldn’t talk to women, couldn’t talk to my family, didn’t know how to communicate my feelings, was gaslighted everyday, was forced to be entirely accountable for my incompetence, and was wrongly blamed, and sometimes framed (by peers who caught on to my scapegoat nature), for things I did not do, I would silently take punishments and almost literally have my head explode trying to force words out in my defense. I remember I would wanna off my mom for taking out my trash with all my cum rags in it when I’ve been on my tenth year of telling her to stop. I never truly had personal space or something that I could call a possession until I moved out. She takes pride in eviscerating a persons self-worth. I can see how proud she is of it when she tells others about how much fear she is able to instill into me. I remember when I would get disciplined that I was expected to get on my knees and beg for forgiveness as my eyes were balling. It was almost a formality to announce the end of the beatings. She thought it made her tough when all it did was make me want to kill her lol obviously we can’t do that. I can’t do that because she actually loves me and does all this fucked up shit out of “love” so therefore harming her would be unjust. So we living in solitude and loving ourselves. 😎
@@PreYeah You took my unconscious mind out on a platter, and presented my own thoughts in a manner I haven’t ever been able to articulate. Thank you so much. Now I know it’s not my fault, even if they’re “so good to me”…
No opportunity to establish the kind of safe relationship that lets you know yourself in a way that is safe. Less and less opportunities for that in this world.
The one time i had that, I did get to the point where i learned my sexuality and trusted this best friend enough to come out, then was immediately dismissed and rejected, and then again by my sibling and both parents.
Medication: Some individuals with BPD may benefit from medication to manage symptoms such as depression, anxiety, or mood swings. Consult with a psychiatrist or healthcare provider to discuss medication options.
I think I'm bpd. I know I shouldn't self diagnose but my life has been hell up to this point. First it was aspergers which I was diagnosed when in foster care. My dad died when I was 3 and my mother was abusive. She used to let us kids at home with our older siblings while she would go to the bar or be at her drunken boyfriends house.. I still remember me and my sisters had the local bars phone numbers memorized. Calling and asking for her and hearing her slurring "I'm not here" in the background. Being in and out of foster homes. I became super depressed around age 15 and repeated 9th grade 4 times before dropping out.. I dunno where I'm going with this but I just feel like I've been ripped off a life. I'm suffering and I looked everywhere for help. I'm 33 now and I really think I'm in hell at times. I tried so hard to repair my mom's family and was never able to grow into the man the world requires me to be. The only way I am in anybodys life is if I make an effort to be.. It's like I need validation. I constantly struggle with my weight and self image.. it's like I'm not a person. I'm just constantly pretending to be. All I do is stress out about finances and my loneliness. I've never had anybody in my life that I didn't eventually feel was preying on me or using me and I feel like life almost requires us to do that to each other to a degree but I cant.. I was in a strict religious foster home and was abused by them... told me my dad was most likely in hell.. that my mom and everyone I was in school with was worldly.. I was all but amish.. it has me fucked up.. I've been cheated on by every girl I was ever with... idk anymore. I'm getting older and I'm scared I'm gonna commit suicide.. I'm probably not going to but God hates me is a thought that goes goes through my head daily.. he stole everything from me and makes me blame myself for it. I feel guilty for shit other people do.. fuck this life and everyone in it..people keep dying and I don't have it in me to give a fuck anymore.. I don't care about anybody... most don't care about themselves.everyone around me are either drug addicts who will betray u for a fix or they're holier than thou prudes who don't judge anybody but yet judge everybody... maybe they're both. Maybe I'm both. idk anymore. My life lacks purpose. I've been diagnosed with aspergers, major depressive disorder, ptsd, schizoaffective disorder bipolar type, and most recently schizophrenia. The mental health field is a joke tho anymore and I'm afraid they're going to give me a medication that will make me do something I don't want to do like I almost did before.. I'm always left on my own in my broken mind. I feel like I'm a madman
Hope you doing well my friend. Thank you for sharing your story. I am a psych student lemme try see. 1. You do have abandonment wound. 2. Difficulty in a having a centered Sense of self 3. Emotional distress 4. Loniless 5. Self harming behavior/ suicidal ideation They do match bpd symptoms. If you ask me these labels aren't doing anything You would definitely meet some cptsd traits because you went through developmental trauma and that's what you need to heal from with self compassion and healing the deep rooted shame. think and that's only tag you need to learn about.
Psychedelics are just an exceptional mental health breakthrough. It's quite fascinating how effective they are against depression and anxiety. Saved my life.
I wish they were readily available in my place. Microdosing was my next plan of care for my husband. He is 59 & has so many mental health issues plus probable CTE & a TBI that left him in a coma 8 days. It's too late now I had to get a TPO as he's 6'6 300+ pound homicidal maniac. He's constantly talking about killing someone. He's violent. Anyone reading this Familiar w/ BPD know if it is common for an obsession with violence.
Finally, someone gets it. Borderlines are not born this way or we don’t choose not to trust people. In conclusion, we were betrayed and abandoned by the people we were supposed to rely on, and this is projected to other relationships sadly. We are on never ending quests to find trust in others but at this point I have given up and only rely on myself sadly.
I know ppl who have, over time, been made the sacrificial lamb in their families. They aren’t treated like everyone else. There is exclusion and therefore disconnection. It’s very sad. They never got the chance to develop in a healthy way over time.
Treat yourself to items that bring you comfort and joy, such as scented candles 🕯, cozy blankets, or coloring books. Engaging in sensory activities can soothe and calm the mind.
I'm pretty sure I suffer from bpd. My father was emotionally absent. He was at home, but just not there. Never received any congratulations for anything, never got a hug from him, never had any talks with him at all. Never attended any graduations and the list goes on. I feel like us men yearn for acceptance and recognition from a father figure in life. At least a good job, I'm proud of you or an I love you and i never got that. If he was compactly not in the picture it might have been better because i wouldn't have kept trying to get his attention. In my culture you're told to just man up and push through. I am 30 years old now and because of this I've never had a true sense of self and still don't. I feel empty everyday. Constantly changing who I am, what my interests are, what I want to do in life. I've damaged relationships with women in my life because of it and constantly feel guilt. Its exhausting.
Chin up brother. You're not alone. It's a long road to walk, but if each step is with intention and carries withn it the assurance that you do not walk alone, the wrongs will begin to be set right.
The same thing happend to me. The lights are on but nobodys home dad. I got dumped by the best love i had to that point and i remember him unable to do or say anything as i cried on him
Resonate, but im a 40yrs old woman and hade that from my only caregiver - my mother. Dad died when I was 2yrs old. No good warm attachment at all. Struggels alot to, but I think we can heal whit awerness and a lot of inner work. Dont give up, hugs from sweden❤
I cannot argue with the speaker. I found what he said to be well spoken and mostly accurate. I personally believe that BPD is mostly founded in neglect. It is highly common for BPD to have co-morbidities such as CPTSD and DID which makes the sourcing extremely difficult. But what I find that most research neglects that would give them a stronger inclination to see neglect as the major disfunction that leads to BPD is that the parents lie about how the raise their child and just dont understand where a critical factor is missing. We all color our history. See ourselves as better parents than we were. People also want to avoid blame so they consciously and unconsciously lie to themselves and others. And perhaps the most critical is the not knowing what you should be doing. My parent s raised me this way so it is good when in fact it is not. Just not recognizing your child as an individual can be catastrophic. Nelglecting to give a child one on one face time to help them develope a sense of self is incredibly damaging. Trauma and abuse have a factor in BPD, generally as no one is only raised with neglect. But neglect retards the formation of self. The social functions of self are malformed so the individual has trouble relating to others. Validation of self is essential. Learning to love oneself is essential.
Plan a relaxing getaway ✈: Consider traveling to peaceful and scenic destinations such as nature reserves, beach resorts, or spa retreats to unwind and recharge.
And most people can't handle it because it invades their brain which is a safe place. They live life in denial of the sadness and tragedy until they are put in that place, in which case they turn to anti-depressants to numb their brain and feelings, to carry on like drones, as a productive and valued member of society.
Diagnosed at 16 now 61, I remember sitting in my highchair at 2 years old thinking...''Is this it!!?" I remember feeling what a stupid world, "I'm not bringing children into this!" Then I confirmed it at age 4. I'm so sensitive, this world is almost unbearable. It's not borderline, I absorb peoples energies and think they're mine😜 Takes me forever to get rid of them.
@user-jh8sm2ph5e well I'm definitely diagnosed with bpd and got the scars to prove it. I took them off a lady when I was 16. It took 15 years to fix it. The depression and suicidal behaviour was from my parents I think. But I'm super sensitive to foods as well, pink salt has lots of magnesium which makes me display real bpd behaviour. So honestly I have no clue🤷
Look up the H.I.S.S. of the A.S.P. (interesting anagram, I know) but it's actual documented scientific research that concludes, in part, that anomalously sensitive people are in fact, psychic. Our sensitivities are part of extra sensory perception. There is nothing wrong with us, we are just dealing with a gift that we didn't know we had, or that it even existed. Imagine if you were dosed with mushrooms or acid, but didn't know. Didn't even know hallucinogens existed ..what would you think? You would think you were crazy. Or in hell. But if you know about it, it's a whole different ball game. This "illness" is just the effect of a super power inside us that we don't know how to control. Read the H.I.S.S. of the A.S.P.. ❤
I'm a therapist who works with BPD patients and i myself have suffered from Borderline traits and my mother was a classic Borderline. I'm unclear about mentalization based therapy but I'm open to learning. I had some difficulty following his line of reasoning but I still intend to read the MBT literature
I don't think he expressed his ideas clearly. Apparently he thinks the person who will develop bpd has an inborn deficiency, an inability to learn development skills from others. And apparently this inability is compounded by inadequate parenting.
A bit late, but a lot of the ideas behind his view of development or psychoanalytic. From the outside it seems like analysts blame parents for everything, when that’s not necessarily what they’re saying. There’s a predisposition to not being a bit more sensitive and having higher needs, and the borderline traits come in when the parent is unable to meet those needs. That’s not to say the parent neglected their child (not on purpose), but that they couldn’t fulfill the needs of the child. This insecure attachment leads to a pattern of being misunderstood, which then leads to the child misunderstanding the world in return.
I identified immediately with what he said. Nobody really knew how to be there for me and I never knew how to ask... Because probably whenever I did I was discouraged to do so in some way or another. So, I just made up my own mind about things in life. Nobody to confide in or trust to bounce off the cooky ideas that were stirring in my head after some experiences out of my level of understanding as a child. I have a pervasive sense of self loathing and rejection that I fear might end in my doom. But love and A LOT of therapy is setting me free. Once you grow up and learn to trust beyond the five people you choose, life gets much more peaceful. All I wish for in life is peace of mind. And slowly but surely I have the keys to free myself from this choke hold my brain has had on me.
I was diagnosed at age 14 in 2000. My parents were informed about bpd and given literature about it. They only saw one word: manipulation. Oh yea, she's manipulative!!! It was like a license to blame me for everything and further want to rid themselves of me. They never even entertained the notion that their choice to barely acknowledge my existence and use material wealth instead of an actual relationship or parenting could have fucked me up.
And when that relationship turns it’s back and with no explanation stonewalls the borderline, it creates incredible pain and suffering. The borderline is created by inconsistent feedback, for one, starting very early in life. The child notices every inconsistency because they are bright and can’t be fooled but this is to a fault. The child somehow perceives abandonment as a cause of something they do not posses that others do and this is where the madness begins, they’re feeling left out , not equally loved by the parents when they see a sibling have intense connections that the borderline can somehow never quite have. It’s really not good to feel this way. There is recovery but like an addiction it is a serpent laying in wait. You must keep yourself in check.
For someone with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), it's important to prioritize self-care and find coping strategies that work for you. Here are some tips: 1. Practice mindfulness and self-awareness 🧘♂: Take time to check in with your emotions and thoughts, and learn to recognize triggers that may worsen your symptoms. 2. Seek therapy and support 🤝: Consider therapy, such as Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) or Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), to help you learn new skills for managing emotions and improving relationships. 3. Engage in creative activities 🎨: Crafts like painting, knitting, or journaling can be therapeutic and help you express yourself creatively. 4. Invest in self-care products 🛁: Treat yourself to items like scented candles, bath bombs, or cozy blankets to create a calming and soothing environment. 5. Plan a relaxing getaway ✈: Consider traveling to peaceful and scenic destinations such as nature reserves, beach resorts, or spa retreats to unwind and recharge. Remember to take things one step at a time and be gentle with yourself. You deserve support and understanding as you navigate living with BPD. #selfcare #mentalhealthawareness #bpdawareness
It is not fully the parent/s fault? I can't agree with that at all. BPD is developing in extreme conditions, so if there is another sibling involved and doesn't have BPD, he definitely has something else like strong codependency or narcissism or other crap, just please don't tell me that the other sibling is healthy and loving and the only the second one was unfortunate and got BPD. They both probably have a very shitty family, if any. BPD is not developing in families where parents love each other and they are great parents. Not at all.
Thank you! I come from such a family. I have BPD, but I detect narcissism, codependency and bipolar in come if my siblings who refuse to seek help and it’s because my parents were undiagnosed narcissists.
Thank you for pointing this out. I don’t see how a child can MAKE something difficult for a parent. Children are difficult in general; it is not an excuse for emotional neglect. If a parent is not mature enough to handle a child’s immaturity and vulnerability they should not have children. Period.
Remember to take things one step at a time and be gentle with yourself. You deserve support and understanding as you navigate living with BPD. #selfcare #mentalhealthawareness #bpdawareness
I had a counselor who at one point mentioned I had a personality disorder but never said which one it was. I haven't been to counseling since so I don't know. I do know both my mother and my father are narcissists. I have avoided any relationships for 10 years because of the pain I caused and the pain it caused me.
As for crafts that someone with BPD can do, here are some creative and therapeutic ideas: Knitting or crocheting 🧶 Painting or drawing 🎨 Scrapbooking or journaling 📔 DIY projects such as making jewelry or home decor items 💍🏠 Pottery or ceramics 🏺
guys.. he does not say it is not caused by trauma, he does not say it's victim's fault - he only describes the process behind the scenes and sounds very much relatable to me
He should explain how art that results from intense feeling and acuity is a form of brain damage. He should humbly submit his brain damage, turpitude, when it comes to ecstatically and inventively expressing one's optative or entering into another's.
My therapist and i surmised that my BPD was caused by an abusive friend i had as a child (my home life was great). But this "friend" treated me like we were in an abusive relationship and from then on, my relationships with friends/others has been difficult to traverse
I'm sorry you experienced this but very happy that you shared it because I believe that childhood relationships with friends and peers def. shape this outcome as well and no one ever covers it. My mom is diagnosed with BPD/NPD and I keep a close eye on my eldest son and haven't even put my other child in school yet because of her temperament, I don't want her to feel abandoned because she is very sensitive. VERY sensitive. I feel like I was like her and my mom was like her as a baby too so I gave myself more time at home with her as a small child. My eldest was not as easily wound up. Children can be brutal to one another and mimic what their family does.
BPD is a natural reaction to living in a cruel and unnatural world. Those who don’t have it are simply more emotionally repressed because they have experienced even more trauma than those with BPD. If a truly emotionally stable and unrepressed person(especially a woman) exists in this very sick and twisted world, I’ve certainly never encountered her. The two options for women in this world seem to be totally repressed and dissociated from reality, or emotionally unstable and less dissociated from reality.
@katieandnick4113 what you said really struck deep. You put into words something that I think I have always felt but not been able to quite put my finger on " the two options for women in this world seem to be totally repressed and dissociated from reality, or emotionally unstable and less dissociated from reality" For the longest time in my life I was the former, now I think I've become/I'm becoming the latter It's quite a daily challenge to struggle and cope. I believe an exception to this may be if one is raised by emotionally mature parents who develop secure attachment to their child...perhaps such individuals don't have this eternal "void" within them that warps/distorts how they perceive their relationship to the world and people in general...and the ever present agony of existing in such a state of consciousness
Bpd in the modern woman is what happens when women aren’t encouraged to reward good men with their love but instead, women are encouraged to reward evil men with their love. When these evil men do evil things, all the ingredients to create bpd are on place.
Not only is there a deficit in the trusting relationship with others but also with the internalised carer that they also distrust. They are caught between both an internal and external environments both of whom are untrustworthy..... it’s not a good place to be.
I think they’re like four different kinds of BPD I can’t fully remember but fear of abandonment isn’t a core trait in all of them or at least it doesn’t manifest in the way that’s commonly described I avoid people to avoid pain so I don’t really care for it anymore there is one human I speak to but I constantly think about not talking to them even though I get on with them the constant struggle to commit to a friend who is truly good is exhausting
in my opinion children cannot grow up healthy without being someone special to someone - Bessel van der Kolk says: Every child wants to be seen and special for somebody. Here in this videos it seems somtimes that People with BPD are too vulnerable because they want special relationships - I guess, if primary caregivers are not able to respond to the needs of there Baby and Toddler, those children will search for someone who is able their whole life. Maybe there is a underlying condition like ADHD which makes it more difficult for parents to adapt - but so much selfhatred in children must have a cause in how they were treated while growing up. Please dont blame the victim! and of course the victim has to work to not stay in the position of a victim -it shifts as you grow up and you need to believe that people can change and be good to you if you are willing to trust. We need to adapt as grown ups even if we never had the cozy childhood with parents who were always reliable. And, we should be able to forgive our parents for not being perfect (as long as they tried to be a good parent).
I have a friend born with ADD/ADHD and MDD. She developed BPD from CPTSD, then AUD. It's complex how things progress even with healing as the mind alone is beyond complex.
This is the most accurate description of how BPD presents and feels like to the person with BPD, which I do believe I have, as it is very hard to manage with a support system when you don't feel supported in your life experiences. Sharing your emotional experiences is extremely difficult to do, as everything is very intense, no matter what the emotion is, even happy feels like euphoria rather than general happiness, so naturally, I chose happy instead of sad, mad, disappointed, jealous, or any other emotion that I was not able to validate externally because it would be rejected and corrected (punishing emotional expressions without understanding the root cause). The only emotions that were accepted and connected to were good ones, polite ones, acceptable ones according to my sex, but my mind was trained to think autonomously, so I chose to analyze the world rather than experience it, ending up in observational mode for extended periods of time where your life appears to "be on autopilot " when trying to regulate states of thought (when emotions are "shut down" and unable to respond), and this "mode" shifting creates "borders" or "barriers" in our mind to better control ourselves. I learned to mask so well that I can create my personality based upon the needs of others, and I do best when I can be emotionally forward with people (because I learned to be polite, and still prefer polite conversations over disorganized ones, even though my thought process is very disorganized, my emotional process is systemically objective and narrow, which keeps me on track when I'm talking and I can time manage better). I make friends fast at work and whenever I meet someone, but I'm very careful to avoid close interpersonal connection at work to keep that environment professional (which I regulate will in these types of emotional states). Having a system of interpersonal understanding in your relationships does help a lot with emotional regulation when spending time with people. It feels good to connect with people who feel this struggle as intensely as I do.
Engaging in crafts can be a great way to express emotions, relax, and improve self-esteem. Find an activity that you enjoy and that helps you feel grounded and connected to your creative side 🌈✨. Remember to be gentle with yourself and prioritize self-care in your healing journey. #mentalhealthawareness #crafttherapy
@PoisonelleMisty4311 I appreciate the advice. Sadly, I am not very crafty, nor do I have the temperament for stillness too much, which I am working on through writing and meditation (which I guess are my hobbies that are non exercise related). I did paint when I was younger, and I may get back into that to help with the overwhelming need to know everything all the time.
Hi. 65 years old before I realised I had BPD. All my life felt different, and yes, I was eventually diagnosed as Autistic in my 40’s, but it was not until I realised I had BPD that I started to understand why I lived a completely different universe to everyone else. I now realise that happened when I was only 18 months old. I had a little sister who was 2 months old and she died overnight in her crib next to me. My parents absolutely refused to discuss it and I just let it go. I now realise that I must have been traumatised beyond belief when my mother discovered her and my relationship with my parents and the world was forever changed.
Any time i brought issues to my mother for help it was used to abuse me so often times it is cultivated by sick parents. Have a bad day at school it's probably because you did something wrong. Ask for food it's because you eat it all. Ask for clothes you wouldn't need any if you wouldn't forget them at your friend's house like that shirt 6 months ago. You have to find things within your self to survive yes physical pain feels more real than the gaslighting
I'm not sure if you mean sick parents as in ill, or maladapted. I'm autistic. I didn't know that when I had my children. It's been explained to me that my eldest child who went on to develop BPD would have experienced my autism as a kind of narcissistic abuse, as if I was a "dead mother". That's not the dynamic of our relationship, btw, but her emotional resilience would have been damaged in the same way. On the other hand, I have another child and brought up one of my grandchildren. They are also autistic, and we are absolutely on the same wavelength. It's not that we are closer in any way, or that I loved them more. We're all deeply introverted and understand each other's tetchiness about personal space. My eldest is extrovert and seems overwhelming because she is a person who needs people. This is all more understandable with hindsight. Hopefully future generations will be better prepared.
I'm sorry to hear that you have experienced such hurtful and invalidating responses from your mother. It's understandable that dealing with this kind of emotional abuse can be incredibly challenging and can deeply affect your self-esteem and mental well-being. Gaslighting, manipulation, and blaming are all forms of emotional abuse that can have a lasting impact on your mental health. It's important to remember that you are not to blame for the way your mother has treated you. It is not your fault, and you deserve to be treated with respect, kindness, and support. It can be helpful to seek support from a therapist or counselor who can help you process your feelings, heal from the emotional wounds, and develop coping strategies to navigate difficult situations. In the meantime, here are some self-care tips that may help you in coping with the effects of emotional abuse: 1. Practice self-compassion: Be gentle and kind to yourself. Recognize that you are worthy of love, respect, and care, and treat yourself with the same compassion you would give to a friend in a similar situation. 2. Set boundaries: Establish clear boundaries with your mother to protect yourself from further emotional harm. Limit your contact with her if necessary, and prioritize your own well-being. 3. Seek support: Reach out to trusted friends, family members, or a support group for emotional support. Talking to someone who understands and validates your feelings can be incredibly healing. 4. Engage in self-soothing activities: Find activities that bring you comfort, joy, and relaxation. This could include spending time in nature, practicing mindfulness or meditation, engaging in creative expression, or engaging in physical exercise. 5. Focus on your strengths: Remind yourself of your positive qualities, strengths, and achievements. Celebrate your resilience and inner strength in overcoming difficult challenges. Remember that healing from emotional abuse takes time and patience. It's okay to seek help and support as you navigate this journey towards healing and self-discovery. You deserve to be treated with love, respect, and understanding.
And sometimes we do need to start taking responsibility for our actions and anger issues which ultimately harm us and our relationships. If we want to heal that is and stop the generational trauma. Continuing victimhood is self indulgence and doesn't serve anyone.
BPD reminds me of the movie Ironman. In the beginning, the Humvee Tony Stark is in gets blown up, and the shrapnel gets lodged in his chest, working its way to his heart. The only thing keeping the shrapnel from killing him was a contraption his buddy pieced together with a bunch of junk and an old battery. And in the end, Tony's the guy who has to sacrifice himself for the good of humanity. Any of this sound familiar?
My mother most likely have this disorder , she struggles to see things through others perspective, if a person talks to her and they have a angry looking face she will immediately assume that person is pissed off at her and will go on and on about how bad that person , she will create ridiculous reasonings of why that person is rude to her when infact that other person is not even rude , as I am saying if she find your facial expressions unpleasant she will assume it is because the other person hates her or is jealous of her . When I reason her that the other person might be going through their own shit , she will refuse to except it and will say things like their life fantastic, they are very happy, she will often downplay others illnesses and over exaggerates our and her illnesses basically the pain of her loved ones and her is much more then others . She has almost cut contact with most of the family and friends and maintains a very small circle and drains them out of their energy because she does not talk to many people , she is very pushy as well as clingy. Her childhood and adult life was extremely traumatic , I mean she went through absolutely horrible shit , when the times changed she did not change and always tried to create that extremely toxic environment In our house as well even after so many years. From the last few years she got addicted to things like chalk , raw rice, soil , now she is so addicted to soil that she might kill herself , Whenever we bring the topic of moving out she always deflect and avoid the question , or ask us condescendingly where we are going to go, and we will be never be able to financialy support ourselves and we will always have to depend on her and my father , but sometimes she will be like we should work hard so that we can be independent and support ourselves . My parents relationship has always been a nightmare because my father was an abuser and my mother would always chase him, and still chase him, he constantly cheats on her but she keep on pursuing him although he is not abusive anymore and have genuinely changed , he also grew up in an extremely abusive environment and took it all out on us and our mother . My mother was abused by her parents as my her father had two wives and they hated each other . Since she grew up in an extremely patriotic environment being a women makes her feel worthless , she also always demeans other women except me her daughter , she is also a very loving mother when her mood is good , she. Derives her self worth from my father who doesn't give a damn about her he lives in another country and they haven't met since 5 years ,thank god for that My mother also have a shopping addiction which always creates financial problem for us and she puts the blame on my father for not sending enough money which is not true he sends us more then sufficient money, she is housewife because our country is very patriarchal and women are shamed and not encouraged to work although it is changing but only for our generation , people here even though they encourage young girls to work now ,still do not encourage older women to work and think of them beneath the younger educated independent women and older educated independent women, even though they had no say in their own life . She is also suffering from depression for more then 10 years and is completely dependent on medicine's .
You have a lot of burdens keep sharing you experiences with others in similar situations it you will find ways through it. You seem already very resilient and I hope you can lead a happier life yourself. not like your mothers.
I'm sorry, this was an extremely psychobabbl-y way of simply saying that invalidation or lack of attunement is a major factor in people developing BPD. And I'm also sorry to say, a child can only bear so much responsibility for constant invalidation and lack of attunement.
Never apologize for things that are or "were " out of your control...you dont need to say sorry for others being incompetent & their lack of accountability, plus the blame shifting of psychological abuse never ends until we give them the boot...they aren't good enough.
Agree. For me my parents were absolute nightmares and I lived in a prison. I will say that it's pretty much on them that I got BPD. I was a polite and quiet child however, BPD really blossomed in my teens, and shit turned for the worse. My brother never got BPD, because my parents used a facade as soon as he was around. I don't want anything to do with my parents, ever.
@@cosmo43095 first of all BPD is UNDER DIAGNOSED...Second of all, you need to seek a neurologist for a brain scan to determine anything...psychiatry has failed...nothing but a guessing game with NO science to back their diagnosis. CPTSD & personality disorders are both related to trauma. Personality disorders are physical brain injury in early development due to trauma...where the child lacks emotional attachment to the caretaker...which is how splitting a person's brain happens & the child feels no alternative or safe refuge...just like a tourture victim.
BPD is about relational rupture. I find it aggravating how commonly I hear behavior and treatment be conflated. Its the difference between equality and equity. As far as RELATIONAL NEEDS, the "same" behavior is NOT the "same" treatment: what matters is not the raw behavior but the *dynamic BETWEEN parent and child.* People in DIFFERENT CIRCUMSTANCES being treated the "same" IS them experiencing DIFFERENT TREATMENT. BPD comes from ruptures and misattunement in RELATIONSHIP. This is inevitable and may be more likely with more sensitive people, but it is not BECAUSE of their sensitivity. It is because of the disparity in sensitivity leading to less attunement. It reflects a feature of the RELATIONSHIP, *NOT* the individual. You punch the same way at two people and because they are different heights, one is hit in the chest and the other hit in the face. Same "behavior," different treatment. You go away on a business trip for 6 months and the kid who was 3y/o when you left still feels broadly secure and the kid who was 1y/o develops disordered attachment. Same "behavior," different treatment. Maybe you play ball w/ your kids as an expression of nurturance and the you've built a relationship with the older kid where that's experienced as a "love language" and the younger kid is functionally carried along for the ride and gets the same "engagement" on the surface but without the context of any of the contact and attunement. Maybe he doesn't like baseball and you haven't bothered to connect with him about art, which he enjoys. Same "behavior," different treatment. And then years and years you gaslight and blame HIM for behavior that reflects feeling more withdrawn, less motivated. It compounds again and again by blaming the victim for being victimized, and its one thing to have a difference in blame btwn two people and something else entirely to blame the one who has been wronged, much less blame them FOR experiencing being wronged. BPD results from insidious relational betrayal that requires some sensitivity to be affected by, as it also creates that sensitivity/sensitization. Often this starts so early even what is considered to be of innate origin is produced by nurture.
This guy is crazy, what the hell, Its all a result of being hurt, harmed so deeply that they become broken! How did he get so "mentalized" as to not see that simple human reality?
I can say my therapist is the best one I’ve ever had. I’ve been through it when I needed it most no one was there. I do have to agree with BPD you do find favorite people and you get so attached to, it makes them want to distance themselves and I feel so bad for the people I’ve done it to. I’ve never been willing to commit ever and I believe we can talk ourselves through it. It does take a lot of convincing tho… I wish my parents were there for me. But to anyone reading this trust me ik how hard it can be, but you gotta remember to live in the moment. Not in the past or future. Just remember to take a day at a time no matter how hard it can be. Remember distractions are our friends most of the time, but they have to be positive or else it can also lead to worse thoughts. And always remember to be the person you know you are because once you start acting like everyone else, you slowly become them. Not you. I wish everyone who reads this the best and I’ll send positivity your way. You can make it through the day I promise and everyday after that. Just remember no matter how hard it can be to get out of bed or out from under the covers, that is the first step. You got this! ❤
I have to disagree with one caveat - I was a BAD MOTHER but I only targeted my children no one else. I could never stand up to anyone else so I don't understand how you can state that BPD inflicts" pain on others" PS: My adult sons and I have discussed my mental disorder and they have been incredibly supportive and forgiving.
@@catherinecastle8576people become collateral damage since they will do anything to extract emotions from others. Example is my ex would say anything about me if she thought it would benefit her. She would play the victim regardless of how it would affect my perception or character. She had an inability to evaluate how it would affect me
@@truecynic1270that’s you. You’re not everyone. Thats black and white thinking. Maybe you affected people more than you’re aware and of course your kids would be most likely to understand and forgive. The borderlines I know have a VERY difficult time accepting they are in the wrong and hurt people…..hmm
Because THEY are victims. How can you blame a child for being traumatized by exterior factors? No one wants BPD even the ones who have it. They are the real victims not the parents. Once they get to a point where they need healing it’s up to them to either want to stay a victim or work on it to heal.
It is always the parents fault but clinicians won’t admit this because they would lose a client Edit…when I mean lose a client I mean when underage are in therapy they can’t tell the parents or child it’s the parents fault or they won’t bring the kid in anymore. I’ve seen this in multiple families when it was even suggested that they were somewhat responsible.
I agree that clinicians usually won’t admit this. As is the case in this video. But I don’t think it’s because they’re afraid of losing clients. I think most people with BPD desperately WANT a therapist to validate that their parents were to blame. But for some reason that I don’t understand, blaming the parents seems to be taboo to them. But then you also have to consider the fact that psychiatry/psychology experts are not and will never be immune to their own biases. I think a huge number of these professionals are narcissists themselves.
Sexually abused since I was 3,5 yo. Remember things like yesterday. Happened with other family members who passed me off like used toy. Got told I was a mistake, that world would be better off without me. My grandma said about me that I was a bastard Child and should have been aborted. Saw my mother get beat up by my ‘step’dad, her head smacked inbetween the fridge and its door. Always bullied at school. Moved a lot when I was younger, no trustable people around me. When I went to Highschool even teachers ignored my issues, got Treathened with knives by kids. Then fell further into my ED, drugs, self isolation. Tried going to police about abuse, they did not take me seriously and sent me off without ANY hope or hope to resolution. Been doing therapy for 8-9 years; stopped with the meds. Gave me horrible side effects. People who are supposed to help me with work/psychologist just did not show to their appointments with me so now my trust is even more down the drain … Life is suffering, holy hell. Oh and I’m almost 30 now. 😢 I feel like I’m wasting away
Thank you for sharing your story! I'm so sorry people have betrayed you and did not treat you like the precious person that you are. Don't give up. There are good people out there but you have to be patient because good people are not in high supply but I promise you, they are worth the wait.
For someone with borderline personality disorder (BPD), it's important to prioritize self-care and engage in activities that promote emotional well-being 🌿. Here are some tips and suggestions: 1. Practice mindfulness and grounding techniques to manage intense emotions. Try activities like meditation 🧘♂, deep breathing exercises, or yoga. 2. Express yourself through creative outlets such as art 🎨, journaling ✍, or music 🎶. Crafting can be a great way to channel your emotions and boost self-esteem. Consider trying activities like knitting, sewing, painting, or making jewelry. 3. Surround yourself with a support system of friends, family, or a therapist to help navigate the challenges of BPD. Building strong connections with others can provide validation and stability. 4. Treat yourself to items that bring you comfort and joy, such as scented candles 🕯, cozy blankets, or coloring books. Engaging in sensory activities can soothe and calm the mind. 5. Consider exploring nature and going on tranquil getaways to destress and rejuvenate. Travel to serene destinations like a peaceful beach 🏖, a quiet cabin in the mountains 🏔, or a relaxing spa retreat. Remember, self-care is a journey and it's important to be patient and kind to yourself along the way. #SelfCareSunday #MentalHealthMatters #CraftingTherapy #TravelInspo 🌟
IT CAN BE DONE!!!!!!!!!!! I love you borderlines. You are often the most gifted, sensitive, intelligent, loving people out there. Your development 0-5 and/or in puberty went wrong disastrously. Please don’t give up. There is literature. There is help. There are tactics that actually work. I know it’s a hell. But, so what? That just gives you a chance to ascend.
The only reason I wouldn’t have BPD is thanks to my late Grandmother and older brothers who were at my aid young in my life. To them I found worthiness. I feel like children who develop BPD don’t have someone they can hold onto safely and securely. But there’s an ego and superiority aspect that people don’t touch on enough. A lot of people with BPD I noticed have huge egos for some reason, probably just a personality trait, and felt spited that they weren’t validated the way they needed to be. Just my theory.
The part that peter said about being partly a result of family trauma but partly not at all is something I resonated with so deeply. When his hand moved away i saw the part of myself that couldn't be described through trauma. Yes there was trauma but it resulted from being a sensitive kid in an insensitive familiy. My sensitivity was as much 'responsible' for the personality that followed. I've been in therapy for 20 years and I've largely 'resolved' my trauma. I've grieved the losses endlessly. Mercilessly. But the chaos remains and in some respects is stronger than ever!
I don’t like that he is shifting blame from the parents……… let’s be real ... in 99% it’s abuse and the parents are to blame. Some therapists don’t say that because often times parents is the one who bay them so they lie
agreed. It's the environment for sure. As a HSP they can say I'm predisposed to it and that's true. However, focusing on that is somewhat like hitting a plate with a hammer and noticing that it breaks in a spiral pattern rather than most plates, which break in random pieces. The psychologist, in this example, would focus on the "predisposition to spiral fracturing" rather than the "getting hit with a hammer" part. I guess this presenter's argument is that it's more about parent and child being VERY dissimilar, not necessarily either's fault. I would disagree as being dissimilar is not enough. My sMother was a SENSATE and I'm an INTUITIVE and we are very dissimilar but she is also a very special princess who was never wrong about anything. Just being dissimilar is not enough, they have to be broken in their own way. The combination of their being broken AND dissimilar, I believe, is the key combination.
Remember, self-care is a journey and it's important to be patient and kind to yourself along the way. #SelfCareSunday #MentalHealthMatters #CraftingTherapy #TravelInspo 🌟
I have BPD. My childhood was very chaotic and my mom was very mentally unwell. She took her own life when I was in college. My olter brother fled when i was young. I havent seen him again. My sister died young. I think murder. My younger brother took his own life about 10 years ago. I feel totally insane most of the time. I live in a spaced out alternate reality of fantacy. Even at work. Thats sales person fake me. Not me. The only place i am myself a little is in youtube comments.
My mother up and left my sister and I when I was around 9 years old, my grandma raised us. Before my mom leaving she was extremely mean and unstable. Today she blames me for the abandonment. At 40 years old I overcompensate so much for my kids - I over do everything with my own children so they never end up like that but that in itself is exhausting. It’s a generational cycle and I pray everyday my own children don’t end up with BPD
This is why I'm reading the comments :D Some of the comments make much more sense to me. I wasn't exactly convinced by Peter Fonagy's rather vague 'explanation' if one can call it that. I appreciate that it's hard to say what causes a very complicated condition -however, in this case, I almost would have preferred the answer, "well it's complicated and it depends on the person and their circumstances" -that wouldn't have helped much but would have made better sense to me, in a way.
I always thought they were born with it cause most people say it can’t be healed and some psychologist won’t even work with them but if this is something that is created, shouldn’t be able “uncreate”?
my theory on this is that children with this kind of experience tuned out most of the time, as a coping mechanism for being neglected or abuse. so they move in autopilot, it's like the house lights is on but nobody's in there kind of thing. So memory is blocked including emotions.
@@beeez_05 You numb yourself to make the neglect tolerable, and by the time you're thrown into society you haven't learned the rules and haven't acquired any of the skills you need to function there. You observe and then mimic what you see others do, but you've never learned how to control your emotions..
I know right? That pisses me off, but I’m trying to look at it from this angle: my parents were abusers, raised by abusers, who were raised by abusers, raised by abusers. If you get my point. Abusers come from generations of abusers who refuse to seek help, so we are the lucky ones who will get well and build solid families/children etc.
Yes, there are several books and studies available that focus on adopted children and their experiences with maladjustment, including issues related to attachment, identity, and trauma. Here are a few recommendations: 1. "The Connected Child: Bring Hope and Healing to Your Adoptive Family" by Dr. Karyn Purvis, David R. Cross, and Wendy Lyons Sunshine - This book provides practical advice and strategies for parents of adopted children, focusing on building strong attachments and addressing behavioral challenges. 2. "Parenting the Hurt Child: Helping Adoptive Families Heal and Grow" by Gregory C. Keck and Regina Kupecky - This book addresses the unique challenges faced by adoptive families, including the impact of trauma and loss on a child's development. 3. "The Primal Wound: Understanding the Adopted Child" by Nancy Verrier - This book explores the psychological and emotional impact of separation from birth parents on adopted children, and offers insight into attachment issues and identity formation. 4. "Adoption, Attachment, and Relationship Development: Beyond the Orphanage" by Jean Mercer and Elinor B. Rosenberg - This book delves into the complex dynamics of attachment in adopted children, and offers practical guidance for parents and caregivers. Additionally, there are numerous research studies and academic articles on the topic of adoption and maladjustment in children. You can search online databases such as Google Scholar or PubMed to find relevant studies and research papers on this subject. As each adopted child's experience is unique, it can be helpful to consult a mental health professional or therapist who specializes in adoption issues to provide tailored guidance and support for your specific situation.
I likely have BPD, very strongly likely, but I also have Narcissistic traits and they make me sick (i am male). I lost a relationship due to my issues and I am filled with regret guilt and shame. It sucks. But one day I hope to change.
We hear you and bow down to you for the self examining. Totally a painful thing to do, but really imho a hopeful step. We have a number of videos on narcissism as well (Diana Diamond and Frank Yeomans talk extensively about it). Let us know if you have questions you would like us to pursue in future interviews. Hoping this channel is helpful to you.
Change happens when we accept our past, instead of griefing, and regret over and over.... I myself, just like you, have severe depression and regretting my past over and over in my head, i gaslit myself with harsh criticism, with big self hatred.... We need theraphy honestly, it's unhealthy....
@@Peanuts76 sorry this is super late but here is an update: I was diagnosed with BPD and SUD (Substance use disorder) alongside it, but they did not think I met the criteria for NPD. Life has not necessarily got better, but I am far less, erratic with my outbursts and control my emotions slightly better.
I am exquisitely sensitive and I always felt things far more intensely than other people. Having that your sense of feeling neglect skyrockets and creates a narrative about yourself and why you are neglected. And yes there is legitimate neglect, but for example, my parents were the same to me and my brothers. Why did I react differently? Now, he says BPD isn't genetic, but we bring an assortment of genes to the party that can push it into a diagnosis. Sensitivity is one of them.
I guess this presenter's argument is that it's more about parent and child being VERY dissimilar, not necessarily either's fault. I would disagree as being dissimilar is not enough. My sMother was a SENSATE and I'm an INTUITIVE and we are very dissimilar but she is also a very special princess who was never wrong about anything. Just being dissimilar is not enough, they have to be broken in their own way. The combination of their being broken AND dissimilar, I believe, is the key combination.
37 yo male vet - i can be shot at I can be blown up and its wild but I can deal with it. Watching as I repeatedly fail to be there for my wife because I'm so busy either hanging on to a constant simmering rage (that exists for no immediate reason) by my fingernails or feeling so empty I cant even understand in those moments how to be there for her that's what kills parts of me. To look at someone you know you love and loves you and to watch them break down from not knowing how to reach you and to stare blankly back screaming inside that I should feel . Some days im grateful for the guilt, its been the only thing keeping me here for a while. Or i could sit here commenting on 6 year old YT videos..fuck
I'm 27, and I always felt that growing up with undiagnosed ADHD, being punished for what I thought was essentially me being normal, finding everything hard when other people just glided into it naturally, and then being invalidated for this. I feel this has contributed to me developing something like BPD.
I fell in love with a girl ten years ago who was later diagnosed with BPD. When she was diagnosed I tried my best to understand it. I studied. Changed how I interacted with her. These videos helped me understand her. Unfortunately no matter what I changed she is sick and won't get the proper kind of help she needs. Last I spoke to her I basically said why do you treat me worse than those who have actually hurt and abused you? Why am I treated as lesser than them? How can you admit you treat me like shit and even laughed about it, but not do anything to change your behavior? Why do you even talk to me if you do not seem to like anything about me? Haven't heard from her in months since. Hahaha she blocked me after that last text. Fucked up but I honestly felt just as much peace as I did pain cuz she told me everything i needed to know.
Wow, sounds like my ex GF. Dated her (was engaged) 10 yrs. Never a compliment, sarcastic, devoid of empathy, demanded apologies when her’s or no one’s fault, her family is always first, mercurial temperament, gossiper. I assumed she was bi-polar - and when I suggested that, she said I was bi-polar lol! I felt warring inside me everyday. I took in her sick mom until she passed and I cooked, cared for her. She was a lovely woman. I began to see some unhealthy personality traits in my GF that reminded me of my own crazed mother. After living together for 2 yrs, I sold my house and left her. I didn’t return calls/texts for 6 mos. I felt inner peace for the first time in a while. Don’t think for a minute your ex GF does NOT talk sh*t about you behind your back. Stay away from her. Don’t take her calls or texts. One day I promise you, she will begrudgingly admit you were/are a good man. By then, you’ll be over it and you’ll wonder why you put up with her for all that time.
I was diagnosed with BPD at age 21 and I believe being a sensitive person plus childhood trauma is the cause.
I think you're totally correct
Bpd is unhealed trauma it is caused from childhood trauma abuse and neglect
My exact situation
Yes exactly!
Diagnosed bpd age 22*
I was a sensitive kid
I was physically abused at age 6
I was dismissed about it by adults
And left to deal with it alone
It's not always parents fault
But it's definitely caused by being in a situation of vulnerability
I would have to agree. And I think a lot of these diagnosis’s overlap. Like I’ve watched countless BPD vids on here and I see a lot of correlation with invalidation coupled with highly sensitive traits, along with empathy. Highly attuned to the energies and intentions of others. There’s such a focus on fear of abandonment but WHY is the more important question. Why do we fear being left? Why is life so incredibly scary and empty? Maybe we are highly intelligent at the same time. Maybe the fear of immortality plays a role as well. I think psychiatry is great as far as uncovering a baseline goes, but overall, I believe that life from an all encompassing viewpoint is much larger than any diagnosis can own to.
Childhood trauma such as abandonment, verbal abuse, emotional abuse, and neglect causes surges in the stress hormone cortisol. This chronic exposure to elevated cortisol affects the size of the amygdala and hypocampus. Essentially it's brain damage that can be seen on an MRI. These children are often invalidated and don't feel they are worthy people.
This results in a very psychologically damaged person. It's quite common. It affects men as well. Seems some people think it's a female diagnosis.
These individuals have a difficult time acknowledging they have a problem because they think they are normal. Therefore treatment is not sought out. When it is sought out it takes years and years of psychotherapy to see improvement.
BPD is about emotional hurt. They hurt. They hurt 100 times more than you can imagine. That's why so many self harm. To release the emotional pain and transfer to physical pain, which is less pain than the emotional pain.
So true. Borderlines have been invalidated by their loved ones and in turn have been abandoned. They don’t trust people as a result and have had to be self reliant. However they have low self esteem, due to low self worth caused by trauma. Such a painful psychological disorder to have.
In people with BPD, the neural pathways between the amygdala and the parts of the frontal lobe associated with checking a person's behavioural responses have not formed properly. The usual feedback loop that typically develops to tone the amygdala down or act as a foil for it when there is a perceived threat isn't there, so the person's response to whatever they perceive as a threat (which may just be a misinterpreted remark) is totally unchecked by the more thoughtful and rational part of the brain. After the event, these parts of the brain are engaged (once the immediate threat is gone) and the person often regrets their response and feels bad. With the right kind of therapy, these pathways can be developed but it's a bit like learning a new language. The older you are, the harder it is and you'll probably never be fluent but you can still get there if you practice the things learned in therapy (assuming the therapy is appropriate).
Jennifer Duke I did an mri a couple of years ago and I didn’t have any damage or anything abnormal showing but I have had very bad borderline for several decades. I was verbally and emotionally abused as a child. Not validated.
@@aboukirman3508 😔
Jennifer you know what you are talking about! Thanks well said. ;-)
I was psychologically & emotionally abused by my parents, they always told me to get over it...like it was all my fault...& they minimized their abuse...they never stood up for me, with other authority figures...they made me apologize even when it wasn't all my fault
Same here
When i was being beaten by teachers(common thing in india) my parents used to cheer and encourage them to beat me more.
The weird thing is when i grew up and called them out on their shit,they were like when did we do all that
Then it hit me,it was just another Tuesday morning for these bastards while for me it was a memory seared into my brain creating mistrust.
They have never apologised to me and never will at this point.They even try to pass it off like they did it for my welfare which is hilarious in it’s own right.
But that’s what i learnt from my experience,No one wants to be wrong and no one will ever understand so it’s better to just shut up and suffer i guess
That’s my 2 cents
Professionals would never say this is the cause of bpd but for sure in my case it was too!
@@JohnSmith-ww2mgI’m from India as well with similar issues experiences. Do you want to connect?
Recovery from BPD can be a long and challenging process. Be kind and patient with yourself as you work towards healing and growth.
Same here modern parents can be pretty bad
i was diagnosed at 37. 20 years ive been fighting through everything and didnt know what what happening. If you learn about yourself in your 20s you are blessed.
my dad is neglectful and my moms an alcoholic and they both treat me like im crazy and a massive inconvenience. my mom likes to take her anger out on me and my dad when hes angry just talks about how he hates my mom and then disappears to work or to his girlfriends house since hes cheating on her without saying anytthing and hes prod of it which makes her anger that she takes out on me worse. so my dad was absent my entire life basically never really around except for short periods. when he is around he just complains about my mom and cheats and my mom complains about him but also shes sad and lonely so she is clingy controlling over me since she has no real power in her life she has to control me and abuse me verbally and mentally. my dad when i was a kid he made me torture a squirrel and shoot it in the head in a bucket full of bleach and other chemicals while we drowned it in them then shot it in the head aand i was like 7 years old it was my first trauma. over time my parents left me with a pedophile and i dont wanna say anything else i was aroudn 10 years old i cant say what happened its too much and then they forced me to go to bars before i was 16 and made me go to their country mid life crisis shithole where they own a "vacation house" but its a shitty vacation because no one lives there except like 80 year old alcoholics and there was no one around so i would be forced to spend my weekends over there instead of being allowed to spend them at home with my friends from school bc they think i was not talking enough even tho i did talk i just dont talk to drunk people and i rather talk to my friends than them so they were trying to force a relationship and happiness with me.
i was diagnosed at 21 after my ex fiance overdosed in front of me when i got back from the store to get her cigs and then i started doing fentanyl.
other things in my adult life happened i dont wanna talk about bc its worse than what i mentioned
you say im blessed but i dont feel blessed at all.
@@nuckat520 bro wtf. So sorry to hear that. Always reach out if you need someone to talk to. You have every right to feel the way you do.
@@skankwave5245 I'm trying to break free again like I did when I was 18 it's harder this time because I have trauma yhat gives me panic attacks if I go outside too long. I won't get into the trauma that caused this because it's not TH-cam appropriate
@@nuckat520 feel ya bro. If you wanna chat I have the same handle on ig
@@skankwave5245 kay ill add u soon
Emotional neglect. Parents who don't delight in you and don't help you explore the world safely, leave you to figure out everything for yourself the hard way. You cry for help, self harm and try to tell anyone who will listen you dont feel a sense of belonging and theres no one there to listen. You cling on to favrotie people that hurt and disappoint you but youve got no home to return to for stability, so you get swept away into the unknown, and it shatters your reality.
100% my experience. 🖤
This made me cry...
Very nuanced said👌😢
Until you go Within and discover the Infinite Well of Unconditional LOVE. LOVE IS WHAT HEALS, TRANSFORMS, LIBERATES THIS ABSOLUTE LIVING HELLISH DIAGNOSIS
This sounds like it 100%. 🖤🙃
Emptiness is that. No proper emotional mirroring, so self soothing is very difficult.
Wow, I spent my entire life depressed and totally alone.....tried to get help.............turned away . Diagnosed at 70 yrs. old finally with BPD..who knew??!!!!! Only alive because of two great adult sons and a wonderful dog
Bless you x keep strong muma x
How the hell did you have 2 sons totally alone? Adopted or did you invent cloning?
Ok so you aren’t alone, but claim alone. Typical lying BPD
@@johnElden8760Oh aren’t you so very clever. Keyboard smart-@*^ ? Dial yourself back. And keep looking at mental health videos. Excellent idea.
Somehow your comment massively triggered a hostile troll who was unable to brainstorm how you could be alone and yet have kids. I’d guess you had relationships that didn’t last long and ditto for living with anyone else as well. People do have kids without ever living with the other parent.
I was diagnosed with BPD traits. My entire life has been a struggle between goals and failing in every way. I gave up eventually and just settled with what I have. Something always seems to be wrong or off. I have zero support from family, but they are good at pretending they care, as long as I buy into their bullshit. I hate them for making me like this then acting like it's my fault. I have so much rage that I am afraid of myself. Years of suppressing it to appease them, now I have become a monster. I hope to get back into therapy because it's hard to live like this, as if I'm being taken over by this rage.
I’m at a lost to wanting to go hospital but not loose my son!!!!
Sounds about right....
“…making me like this then acting like it’s my fault” I strongly relate to this (and the anger). I have this theory that people with BDP symptoms and other mental health problems/ addictions have suffered scapegoat abuse. I’ve only recently been learning about this, but this book has been very helpful- Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed: Help and Hope for Adults in the Family Scapegoat Role (Rebecca C. Mandeville MFT)
I understand everything you described, I can relate 100%, and I fled at 25 to America, to escape my family. Addictions and anger eventually reigned in my life. In the last 7.5 years, I’ve done so much work, especially allowing myself to FEEL, it’s been helping me heal
Hang in there..find what works for you
I've just discovered this channel. 25 years ago I lost a dear friend, who had BPD, to a drug overdose. He was open with me and his friends, about his diagnosis. I watched him struggle for the two years that I knew him and did what I could as a friend, but his death left me so sad for him. He was horribly abused as a child, deeply sensitive and creative and a joy to be around. He was my first true friend when I moved to a new city and he supported me, and taught me so much. Thank you for this channel. It's helping me increase my understanding of him even decades after his death.
I completely agree! I'm a twin and my brother always had a hard time in school so I was ignored. I always heard "you'll be fine because you're smart". I was 8 when my parents divorced and my dad moved me to Alaska. My mom lived in Rhode Island. My dad was abusive and shortly after the divorce my mom stopped calling. Left home at 16. I'm 54 now, have survived a dozen suicide attempts and pray for death every day. I have no friends or support of any kind. For some reason I've always been open about my mental health issues hoping someone will help me. 😢
Hey 🙂 I don’t have all the answers but if you’d like someone to air things out with and go back and forth, I’m alright to bounce things off of.
I think there are “spiritual” problems that present as “mental” problems, simply through how the world is today (and I don’t mean you should get to church lol). It’s not as simple as thinking positively and taking a pill.
Anyway, I’m fairly open-minded and would like to exchange thoughts, ideas, whatever.
I’ll see if I can send you my email privately. Keep on trucking. You are no mistake and have way more value than you or your parents know ❤
Praying that you are doing better. God loves you. He heard you.
The emptiness we feel is there because nobody was there when we needed them most.
I was a good girl. I did my best not to cause any trouble or be a burden... After coming out with my suicidality at around age 20 I'm suddenly a problem they cannot deal with.
🫂🫂🫂🫂yes, we were left alone. I'm withyou huney, I can beyour mom. I am my own Mom 2. The pain burns.....you're not alone hunney, I love you, Mom lovesyou, dont be sad 🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂
Let them talk, they willnever understand. You are wonderful, I am proud of you.
Fellow good girl turned burden checking in. The saddest part about growing up and reflecting on your past is realizing that you only ever had yourself to depend on - just a small kid in a big, scary, confusing world. I hope you can be kind to yourself and learn to be your own rock, but also find someone who will see through the defenses we put up, love you for who you are and always be there when you need them to. Sending a big virtual hug your way, god knows we need one.
I FELT THIS IN THE DEPTHS OF MY SOUL WND SPIRIT
@@julietastes181 you're in the midst of psychosis. Seek help.
Diagnosed at 27. I can barely function in life. I hate it all.
Hey guys!
Glad to say 2 years after careful recovery I’ve gotten better and no longer meet the criteria for BPD!
Wow super happy to hear you improved. I haven't been able to function in 7 years. Hope to get there one day.
@@ChocolateSoda1hey I’m proud of you! 💗💗💗
Very happy to read that. Well done ❤
I'm tearful reading this. Well done and thank you!
I was diagnosed BPD in my 50’s . My father was fanatical fundamentalist! Possibly bipolar . Rage episodes almost daily .My mother was manic depressive .I was watched over by my older sister who resented my existence. I was an outcast at school too. My father wouldn’t let us do normal things with other kids . I was assaulted on the bus and injured severely . My parents refused to show any concern and wouldn’t look me in the face. That’s when I knew I was never wanted and I was a burden to them . My father had repeatedly said it ‘you kids are too expensive . You cost too much. I’m not buying you clothes every year ! ‘ I knew I was worthless then. I wanted to die but knew not how . I escaped into a world of alcohol & drugs and left home early. I refused to go back. Years went by with no connection to my family of origin. I developed into 2 people . One kind, timid, shy, and innocent . The other angry, mean spirited and full of vitriol and venom for anyone who got close enough . It took 40 yrs of therapy to get at why I was disturbed . The processing was painful . At 61 I am not back in my body full time . I do not use drugs or alcohol . I have a successful marriage and a home . I am not afraid to die now . Although I have many reasons to live . At least the fear of not knowing who I was and why I was so unstable is gone now. I hope I have some good years left now. I will never forget the amazing counselors, therapists , and sympathetic people who helped me through this journey . May your journey be softer and kinder to you than mine was
Thank you for sharing your story, and, most especially the goodwill that you extend to us who read about your life.
I really appreciate your time, honest candor and willingness
to remain open to the “goodness” which life offers.
✨💖✨
Living with bpd cptsd hsp addictions trouble at work and the guilt of failed relationships but most of all childhood trauma is a constant pain stuck in you're head. Thank God for TH-cam cause it's far more helpfull than all the therapy sessions combined. I pray that you all get the help you deserve.. including myself. Stay strong!
There is no image of self for me: constantly shifting between who I know I am, think I am, come across as, depending on social context and internal emotions. Just exhausting to not be able to understand yourself and having no stable image of who you are.
Depends who I am with/relationships I have and the boundaries I push for the knowledge of who loves me and who doesn’t; and trying to figure it out. Constantly unstable in terms of my being.
Exactly .
Get out my head😂
Literally!!
I wish I could meet someone like you to talk with. I don't believe that any psychiatrist / therapist can ever truly understand. I'm very tired.
In case someone is not allergic to Catholic theology and the philosophy of St. Thomas Aquinas, I'd recommend a hefty tome called Introduction to the Science of Mental Health by a priest called Chad Ripperger. The first part will introduce you all the faculties of the mind, i.e. what is will, what is memory, what are decisions, what is rote learning, how reality is interpreted in light of memory and individual habituations. The second part is about morality and spiritual considerations. But in the third part it is possible to learn, based on the first part, what is hypnosis, what is attention (i.e. which faculties in the mind bring it about or fail to do so), what are addictions, how nervous breakdown happens and a few other surprising and interesting things. It is eight hundred pages and I have about a hundred to go.
Watching my BPD GF being hallowed out by emotional dysregulation is horrifying ... watching her deteriorate whilst I beg her to seek treatment. No amount of Love I give can ameliorate her pain. It is tragic.
You must take care of yourself. Untreated BPD has the power to utterly wreck personal relationships. It can become hellish and cause real damage to partners/loved ones. I hope you are getting therapy to help you have boundaries to protect yourself. Hopefully she will come to realize that she's suffering tremendously, and that she doesn't need to face this struggle on her own.
healthy boundaries ARE the structure a BPD person needs to heal. It's the last thing they want but it's the qbsence of boundaries that did the damage in the first place
if she's not in treatment then you should think about yourself and your future, do you want to throw all your love, time and energy into a BPD vortex?
Been there. What you’re doing is destroying yourself. You won’t win. I promise.
Stfu 🙄 You’re NOT a hero.
Stop ENABLING her 🚮🤡.
WHAT "CAUSES BPD"
Some combination of: Neurological propensities, Sensitive temperment + Lack of attachment + Trauma + Invalidation of needs and painful feelings associated with invalidation = BPD propensity
Trauma: especially abandonment or threat of abandonment gets personalized to the child's sense of self. Not only, "I must be bad if my parent or parents abandon me," but even deeper to identity i.e. "if I cannot make my most important person/people love me and stay with me and create safety for me, I do not exist." This creates a love hunger with unfortunate extreme feelings fueling behaviors that push people away, creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Note: A death of a loved one feels like abandonment to a very young child.
The absence of a parent cuz he has his own family ! That's a huge void in a child's life !
What if a narcissist parent dies? What happens to the borderline person.?
@@daviedood2503 celebration happens.
@@morisnakus6108 what do u mean? I left that comment up there 10 months ago, I was about 1 month out from 13 yrs with someone. They split on me and took everything. It was just a bizzar experience and wasn't normal at all. I had to Google what the hell was happening to me actually.
This past year in learned about NPD and how it all works via hg Tudor and Sam vaknin, among others. And I came across BPD and tried learning about that as well.
It felt like NPD fit her way better than BPD bc she could have easily ZERO care about anyone. Was like a switch flipped or something. When her parent died, I carried her casket, she seemed real sad and I consoled her when she randomly cried etc. Then few months later she abandoned me. It's been almost a year now and haven't seen or heard from them. 😕 just walked right past me, down the hall, and out the front door. Poof, gone...like 13 yrs NEVER happened..
@@daviedood2503 from your writing it is hard to determine if it is NPD or BPD. Why do you care? Forget it.
I think this guy is underplaying how a parent can create a very different relationship with different children, and how that can be internalised by the child (and then adult) about being who THEY are. By just focusing on the dynamic once it exists, he is missing a crucial part of what has caused it. For some reason many mental health professionals are wary of acknowledging this, but I think it’s crucial for the recovery of someone with these symptoms. If we look deeply at how parents felt about/ treated someone from birth/ early childhood, this can help to uncouple them from the shame that had nothing to do with who they were, and everything to do with how they were treated.
OMG exactly. I get that no one wants to parent-shame, but... Therapists have a front-row seat to the lifelong psychological suffering caused by unempathetic parenting, and yet so many of them still refuse to openly acknowledge just how damaging those early events / relationships can be. In order to appear... professional? Some things are more important than professionalism.
The field of addiction counselling is especially guilty of this. I've been / seen / heard of so many people getting retraumatised unnecessarily because some addiction counsellor wanted to play peacemaker or have the attitude of "nobody is ever to blame for anything... except you for your addiction." And of course you want someone struggling with addiction to take responsibility for getting treatment and chasing sobriety, but this gaslighty attitude isn't the way to achieve that.
One can know damn well where the cause of your mental illnesses lies and still take responsibility now for doing all you can to heal. I wish more professionals would understand that nuance. But I'm grateful for the seemingly handful of therapists that stick their necks out and don't shy away from calling a spade a spade when it comes to abusive / neglectful parenting.
@@cygnelle1232 Yes and by the "standard mental health logic" as well as rehabs, court systems, and 12 step groups I can have a kid and emotionally abuse and gaslight them all their life but as long as I have a job, house, clothe, and feed the kid, pay my taxes, take them to the doctor when they get sick or tear their ACL and need knee surgery, constantly pressure them to overachieve so I look better to my friends and coworkers and other relatives in exchange for handing out conditional transactional love like a raffle prize, co-sign some loans for them for college, and "presto" I'm 100% "blameless" if that "selfish", "ungrateful", "reckless, irresponsible, overdramatic, attention seeking" child "God forbid" ends up with emotional problems or fails out of college or a job due to BPD and depression and suffers from addiction because apparently I "tried my best as a parent" and my "terrible horrible black sheep of a kid keeps blaming me for all their problems".
I'm 30 and childless and unmarried and I would never have children because unlike some cluster b's who like to have kids for status and birth robot extensions of themselves to blindly worship them, I'd never bring children into this world knowing full well I've got one of the worst personality disorders out there plus unresolved Complex PTSD. So ya I'm not going to torture some poor unsuspecting kid with my mental illness just so I can have a human pet or human show pony and then disown them when they get old and tired and damaged and stop bringing home the trophies, unlike my father.
@@PassionateFlower 100% Same, Roxy. I'm a few years older than you and choose to have no kids for very similar reasons. We have to play the hand we were dealt, and we can take responsibility for doing all we can in the moment to heal, but I will not let my parents' abuses go unacknowledged. Especially since they have shown zero remorse.
It's because people with graduate degrees tend to be overeducated idiots. They don't think in terms of systems and evaluating sets of data for the ways which they interrelate. I've never met a carpenter, a plumber, an electrician, or some other tradesman that couldn't have been a psycho-analyst/psychotherapist and I've never once encountered it the other way.
For some people, it takes a heap of common sense to overcome an education.
@@MichaelAllen-po4eo I completely agree, my father graduated from UCLA with a PhD in Engineering and Plasma Physics and has worked for a government research laboratory for over 30 years that also builds nuclear weapons for the military but he's as dumb as a bag of rocks when it comes to true emotional intelligence, being in touch with one's internal state, and utilizing real genuine empathetic communication skills for mutually beneficial interpersonal effectiveness. But he just surrounds himself with desperate enablers and "yes people" who he can look down on, feel superior to, who need him for his money and book smarts or expertise more than they need their dignity intact so he keeps getting away with far too much of his b.s. that he thinks doesn't stink to high heaven. I've cut ties with that man he has gone too far this past year I don't need anything from that kind of an apathetic remorseless hollow shell of a human being he can take all his degrees and his accomplished nonsensical academia ego stroking garbage and shove it right up his narcissistic logical spock-like left hemisphere and get a clue or die a smart idiot with a daughter he damaged for life who has to spend all her money on private practice therapy for the rest of her life because he just had to have kids and live his American Dream life and trample anyone in the process even his own family, his own children.
Every person I’ve known with bpd has pretty severe, chronic attachment trauma or invalidation. It is the parents fault if we are fault finding, they are responsible for the emotional tone and family interactions.
Thank you for saying it. I prefer failure vs fault, either way unfortunately my parents and many others' parents will never take stock of why. Part of my recovery continues to be about accepting this and reversing the lost years as best I can. There are many onion layers to that kind of grief.
The problem with fault-finding is it’s bottomless. For example, in looking at the parents you have to consider their upbringing, the types of parents they had, how they learned to cope as children/adolescents and respond to their environment, and from there you have to consider how those experiences shaped them as people and informed their parenting approach and general outlook on the world. Be critical but maintain balance. It takes a lot of compassion. In the end, we’re only responsible for ourselves. To be better as people means to be better toward others and work on developing trust, compassion, resiliency and faith.
Develop coping strategies: Identify healthy coping strategies that work for you, such as deep breathing exercises, practicing relaxation techniques, engaging in creative outlets, or seeking social support when needed.
I would have to push back on that a little bit (but respectfully). As the father of a daughter with BPD, I don’t accept that it is my fault, nor would she even remotely push that point of view. Her mother/my wife died when my dtr was 3. I don’t think that was my fault or my dtr’s fault. I guess you could blame the mom for dying as the cause but…I am sure she would have chosen not to die had she been given the option. I also do not think my dtr would ever claim that I wasn’t there for her or allowed her to grieve. I think there is a genetic predisposition and the wrong circumstances can push things to wrong way. My dtr and I are both sensitive people and we regularly have long talks and hikes and chat about whatever. She’s an adult now.
I also suspect that many young people returned from WWI and WWII with great trauma that was swept under the rug, then tried to raise children without the emotional capacity to do so. Many people have grown up with BPD and NPD and other problems as a result.
I am 54. I was diagnosed by 1978 with "Severe Anxiety Neursis" a One page report from 1978 described me as it came from the BPD manual. Dysregulated, Stubborn, not wanting to live, etc. By 1980 I was diagnosed with ADHD and was put on Ritalin and Dexedrine. I was an only child. My parents were alcoholics. They divorced by 1978. My mother had become sober by the time I was 4ish.. My father never did. I know they did both love me and did their best, but struggled with their own issues. My mother was a successful anesthesiologist which was a very stressful job. I went to the best schools but struggled, was almost put into residential treatment. I have a master's degree but work in non profit barely above the poverty line actually. I have often wondered why I had this soo bad.. I lived most of my life understanding the anxiety and ADHD part.. but I never handled stress well, was always very dysregulated and it was the dysregulation part that had been "missing" from my understanding. My working theory of why I was so bad.. is partly epiginetic and partly environmental. My mother drank, smoked and took probably various stimulatns and sleeping pills (it was 1968 and she was a doctor)... THAT probably affected my system. PLUS she was a doctor in a very stressful profession. She worked up to the day or so before I was born (she admitted). She had worked late nights (on call) so all that most likly contributed to my cortisol dysregulation while in utero. When was born, she then got Pleurisy, could not breast feed and 1968 newborns were highly regulated and wierd about feeding times and things. I probably didn't bond as I should with her. THEN she probably had about a month? 6 weeks ? Of maternity leave (she still drank) and I was then left in the care of an elderly woman Rose, who who knows how I was cared for by her... THEN my father when I was 4? went overseas to Maylasia for a civil engineering traffic studies job and was gone for almost a year. My mother reported I was not responding well to him being gone and that I "didn't understand these things". He also had an affair while overseas, .. he comes home, there is domestic arguments etc.. I was never physically abused out of cruelty or neglect. BUT I witnessed bad fights (not really physical though) and then by 1978 my dad was gone. He was in Texas and did he best to be a father long distance but he struggled.. I know my parents loved me but those first 10 years somehow did a major number on me. YET because of my experiences that did not involved direct abuse, I always blew it all off and denied I should have a problem and that I was just a "spoilled bad kid"... and I lived most of my life with this stern, authortarian mindset that was filled with self loathing and disgust and very little pitty. I pushed myself hard, beating myself up all the time, all the while anxious and dysregulated. I started cutting sophmore year in College cause I saw a guy I was into did it and well.. there ya go. (he probably was bi polar actually or maybe even borderline himself). All this ruined my life. Prevented me from seeking better situations. better jobs.. being more actualized.. That is my story...
well.. your story is a text book case of a bpd person. The abandonment (or ignorance by narcistic parent etc.) at the young age is causing such a damage in a child and later causing problems like BPD. From my experience BPD is a self-destructing behaviour but there are some medicines who can really help (and of course therapy). I wish you all the best.
Self-care: Practice self-care activities that promote your emotional and physical well-being, such as exercise, mindfulness, journaling, or engaging in hobbies that bring you joy.
Wow!! Finally, someone else who had a "doctor mother!!!" Do I ever get it!! I was the first child of my "perfect" mother and since her "accomplishment was SO high at that time, she was viewed as a "perfect" person - by "everybody" Of course, I couldn't meet her standards.....ever....especially as a toddler..........it goes on from there...........And no one knew what her 'yelling, hypercritical, constantly negative parenting was like. You sound much more socially successful than myself - and probably more intelligent, too. During my entire life, I have always felt like something that had been ground into the cracks of old pavement, below the surface people walk on. And I'm with you on the "it ruined my life." Yes, I totally understand how you felt and do. You're not alone and I wish I could say something that could help.
Hi, I can't delve into details now but I really relate with your story. Sending love.
Thank you for taking the time to write this. I had a very similar situation growing up. 41 years old and finally starting to understand myself and get help. It's so hard. I wish you the best in this life❤
Disclosure: my older bro and I were raised by a narcissistic, abusive (physically and emotionally) mother. What I find interesting as I take bits and pieces from each contributor's video is all the little details add up to form a more coherent picture to explain why I have such a poor sense of self! (lol.) Anyway, I remember when my bro was getting a lot of attention (of the bad variety) by acting out constantly, getting into legal trouble, etc. I was about 14, and my friend once told me later, "it's like you were invisible in that household." I think that's part of what happened. I was just there, bland and quiet, trying to escape the worst of the "attention" that my bro was getting (being shipped off to rehab, being arrested, etc.) and in doing so, I had no attention whatsoever to really know from the primary same-sex parent who I was, who I could be, what I was good at. And so, my identity became a sort of vacuum. It's weird, because even in my middle age now, when I find myself expressing a value, even if it's done quietly, I congratulate myself saying, "see, there's a you inside of you, after all." It's just taken a long time and may never be finished, but it's worth the lifelong effort. Edit: I know he doesn't exactly validate the abusive pasts predominating the lives of most BPD folks like me. I dunno, I guess I'm old enough to ignore that now and just take out the good bits. Would I see this guy in a therapeutic situation? Nah, I'd probably run for the hills after one session. But I see a little truth here to describe just one corner of the complex painting that is BPD.
What profound rendering of your experience and what a quietly painful childhood and how interesting, your interpretation of its lasting impact on you. I don't know if you write as a practice, but your ability to express your experience through writing is gutting and beautiful because you speak with such unvarnished vulnerability. I hope you write and I wish you much growth and courage.
Your sharing is so helpful! I was alone, abused, and aroused from constant stress and fear every day: violent mother, alcoholic relatives, mom encouraged me to k…ll myself… I’m turning 39 in 10 days and I’m struggling a lot.
@@AnnaSzabo for me it helps a lot to know that anytime I can do it. Just to be in a position where are many possibilities to do it in many ways, somehow helps to stay alive. Like sailing or paragliding... base jumping might help also I suppose.
Thank you Sacks Oh
With inspiration from one of the videos on this channel featuring Dr. Yeomans I thought about the critique you posted at the end of your text.
It is a question about empathy in therapy and not sympathy.
The family tree I come from have some really problematic issues. In the center there were and still are addiction problems and mental issues (covert anti social behavior that no one sees combined with overt ”careerism” that makes one look great to outsiders). Today I live in a peaceful situation with the predominance of emotionally cut off relationships. It is like a family of living deads but I finally experience peace in life. I had some terrible decades until there was a breakthrough when authorities stepped in and put me in treatment. What held me back from mental health was my pathological feelings of entitlement to be seen as the righteous victim. It did not matter that I was barred at many social places in my community because of my anti social antics. I felt righteous and that the world owed me sympathy. That is way it is important to not get stuck in the past so the concepts and beliefs can change.
When I was born there was a pink Balloon in the room. The nurses were shocked at the fact that I was watching the balloon float around the room. I think this is a testament to the hyper sensitivity of my senses from day one. I was always introspective and very very sensitive my entire life. This is what got in the way of my happiness, yet I wouldn't give it up for anything.
Learn to identify triggers: Understanding what triggers your intense emotions or behaviors can help you anticipate and manage these situations more effectively.
Thank you for sharing this.
What do you mean by “sensitive“?
Same
@@lilyghassemzadeh there is a spiritual or observational concousness that is housed by and driving our physical bodies. Our 5 senses help navigate around. Imagine if these senses were like the components of a car. Being hyper sensitive would be like the gas and the breaks initiating after you barley tap them and the steering wheel feeling very loose. You might have to put more focus into operating around.
My sister has been killed by bpd. I will never forgive this. She is alive but no longer there. I will forever be bitter and resentful of this. I don’t think anyone will ever understand. I swear, she was the most innocent creature or this earth. But the household abuse took her away from me forever. I only wish to meet you again. Forever bitter I will be. I talk to you in my dreams in the secret language we had before we were born. My sister I’m sorry I couldn’t protect you from the screams and psychological defects we were brutally exposed to. Forever bitter I will be.
i feel you bpd ruined me as well ;/
my dad is neglectful and my moms an alcoholic and they both treat me like im crazy and a massive inconvenience. my mom likes to take her anger out on me and my dad when hes angry just talks about how he hates my mom and then disappears to work or to his girlfriends house since hes cheating on her without saying anytthing and hes prod of it which makes her anger that she takes out on me worse. so my dad was absent my entire life basically never really around except for short periods. when he is around he just complains about my mom and cheats and my mom complains about him but also shes sad and lonely so she is clingy controlling over me since she has no real power in her life she has to control me and abuse me verbally and mentally. my dad when i was a kid he made me torture a squirrel and shoot it in the head in a bucket full of bleach and other chemicals while we drowned it in them then shot it in the head aand i was like 7 years old it was my first trauma. over time my parents left me with a pedophile and i dont wanna say anything else i was aroudn 10 years old i cant say what happened its too much and then they forced me to go to bars before i was 16 and made me go to their country mid life crisis shithole where they own a "vacation house" but its a shitty vacation because no one lives there except like 80 year old alcoholics and there was no one around so i would be forced to spend my weekends over there instead of being allowed to spend them at home with my friends from school bc they think i was not talking enough even tho i did talk i just dont talk to drunk people and i rather talk to my friends than them so they were trying to force a relationship and happiness with me.
i was diagnosed at 21 after my ex fiance overdosed in front of me when i got back from the store to get her cigs and then i started doing fentanyl.
other things in my adult life happened i dont wanna talk about bc its worse than what i mentioned
me pretending I’m your sister to receive this love
@@rachelmartinofficialmusic and me relating to have lost a sister to narcissism sad
@@rachelmartinofficialmusic❤❤❤
@imcrystalzapata you are creating your reality with that sentence you repeated. "I will forever be bitter"
Why not try instead to f#ck with the algorithm and become the opposite of what you were role modeled ❤
My friend was severely sexually abused by her father but she's got the biggest heart and is incredibly courageous. She's a beautiful soul.
Some people are literally angels in this world. ❤
Shes a red flag tho
Good stuff.
I realized quite early (childhood) that I evaded my parents emotionally. Looking back I'm amazed at how dysfunctional I was, and how impossible it is for me to explain myself.
It's a very complex matter.
Now at 43, I am errr... *ahem* yet again presented with the opportunity of a new life.
But joking aside, I'm heartbroken. But never down and out.
I can so relate
@@heathernikki5734 sorry to hear that... Be well.
Build a support network: Surround yourself with supportive and understanding individuals who can provide empathy, validation, and encouragement. Joining a support group for individuals with BPD can also be beneficial.
This gave me strength
@@PnkSupreme Happy to hear that :)
Keep your head up.
So basically our 'special' person is the one we are with when we learn about how we're supposed to act. I am MIND BLOWN RIGHT NOW!!! I know exactly who this is
This is great by the way
Can you help me understand what he means by these special dependent relationships, where the person with bpd can feel like everyone else?
I feel like I’m missing something...
Thanks!
Part of this relationship sounds healthy and maybe healing, as described. But certainly the dependence part is unhealthy...
Oooo that's a dark thought...
Yh if you dont meet their standards, you are scapegoated as a borderline
I was very very neglected as a child growing up, attacked and abused by them as well. Never really being able to connect with others the way I needed to. My mother died and my whole family left… that’s why I hold onto others with a deep fear of being forgotten and left
Being sensitive and having one or both parents abandon you. That’ll do it.
Physical-, Verbalabuse, abandonment, and unstable relationships, mostly in your childhood years, will give you a personality disorder like BPD.
Me ✋🏾 but I focus on making and focusing on the life God had planned for me all along I'm rather numb to bs stuff noww..
I’m highly sensitive and was given up for adoption. I do not have BPD. My adult daughter does though. I left her father when she was 6 months old due to abuse. He wasn’t in her life but it I still believe it was for the best. Is that an experience of abandonment? I spent my whole life missing my birth mother and never giving much of a thought about birth father. I did not know that would affect her. But this is the only abandonment trauma she had and was loved so much and well cared for
"Oh, I feel that. It's like Tupac said, 'Even a thug lady need love.' Absence and abandonment can definitely leave a mark. Stay strong like Biggie and keep pushing through, though."
@@ashatan4554 have you asked your daughter if she felt loved & cared for the way she needed to be or abandoned by you?
It doesn't have to just be physical abandonment that leaves a child with abandonment wounds. A parent can be physically present but emotionally unavailable and that causes abandonment and rejection wounds much like a parent that physically abandons the child. Oftentimes that scenario is more traumatic because the child has to wrestle with feeling obligated to love the parent because they kept them physically alive, yet holding true at the same time that their parent was emotionally immature and neglectful and that can be one avenue of producing BPD in a child
My parents would've had me remain 3 forever if they could. They infantilized, co slept, and did everything for me until almost my teen years. At which point I began to feel suffocated and became very angry at them for violating normal boundaries
@ST-kr7hz - Your parents sound narcissistic as are mine (who I have gone no contact with). Narc parents tend to do exactly as you describe - they infantilize and in the process, just like how it was said in the video, we begin to get less and less out of their same old interactions. Our emotional needs stop being met because we are still treated like we are children. Our sense of self stops being developed because we are still being associated like children. Not to mention, in all this, our sense of self esteem begins to plummet. I think some kids who have these kind of parents, on some level, do sense that we are being neglected but also don't know quite how to cope with that neglect. I distinctly remember how envious I was of my peers, not because they had nicer materialistic things, but because they had a certain quality of peace that just radiated from their sense of high selfworth. They carried themselves differently, held their space differently. They were more self-assured. They were much more mature, but looking back I'd say they were where they were for their age -- it was I that had stunted / arrested development.
For a very long time, I strived to meet my parents' expectations and approval. Even in my dating life, I would always use my parents as a metric of picking out guys (as in I'd pick out men based on who I thought my parents would approve). Now, after many years of therapy, I use them as a metric of how NOT to be -- it is they who are infantile and stunted. I went no contact with them because I finally realized that their emotional immaturity is not something I want any man I was interested in to see, and really I didn't want to be associated with their toxicity any more, certainly not on a daily basis. This video doesn't address how parents are actually the first people to instill (and prolong) BPD in their kids which can keep them stunted for life if not treated.
Yeah same. I never learned how to turn on the stove until I was 17. Never knew how to do laundry, wash dishes, yard work, or how to take out the trash until I was almost 20. I begged for the opportunity to grow and learn but I was forced to learn helplessness. Couldn’t make friends, couldn’t talk to women, couldn’t talk to my family, didn’t know how to communicate my feelings, was gaslighted everyday, was forced to be entirely accountable for my incompetence, and was wrongly blamed, and sometimes framed (by peers who caught on to my scapegoat nature), for things I did not do, I would silently take punishments and almost literally have my head explode trying to force words out in my defense. I remember I would wanna off my mom for taking out my trash with all my cum rags in it when I’ve been on my tenth year of telling her to stop. I never truly had personal space or something that I could call a possession until I moved out. She takes pride in eviscerating a persons self-worth. I can see how proud she is of it when she tells others about how much fear she is able to instill into me. I remember when I would get disciplined that I was expected to get on my knees and beg for forgiveness as my eyes were balling. It was almost a formality to announce the end of the beatings.
She thought it made her tough when all it did was make me want to kill her lol obviously we can’t do that. I can’t do that because she actually loves me and does all this fucked up shit out of “love” so therefore harming her would be unjust. So we living in solitude and loving ourselves. 😎
@@PreYeah You took my unconscious mind out on a platter, and presented my own thoughts in a manner I haven’t ever been able to articulate. Thank you so much. Now I know it’s not my fault, even if they’re “so good to me”…
@@PreYeah thank you for this comment!
I wasn't always this way. Childhood trauma, abusive relationships and grief, being abandoned and let down constantly all combined. Boom 💥 BPD
No opportunity to establish the kind of safe relationship that lets you know yourself in a way that is safe. Less and less opportunities for that in this world.
The one time i had that, I did get to the point where i learned my sexuality and trusted this best friend enough to come out, then was immediately dismissed and rejected, and then again by my sibling and both parents.
Medication: Some individuals with BPD may benefit from medication to manage symptoms such as depression, anxiety, or mood swings. Consult with a psychiatrist or healthcare provider to discuss medication options.
Love yourself, you are worthy, you do matter, God loves you ❤
If God existed and loved us none of this would happen. Not if he claimed to be omnipotent and to love us.
So this dude was just walking down the street with his coffee and scored an interview
Seems that way. He doesn't have a clue. Let him spend a day in my mind.
goated comment
I think I'm bpd. I know I shouldn't self diagnose but my life has been hell up to this point. First it was aspergers which I was diagnosed when in foster care. My dad died when I was 3 and my mother was abusive. She used to let us kids at home with our older siblings while she would go to the bar or be at her drunken boyfriends house.. I still remember me and my sisters had the local bars phone numbers memorized. Calling and asking for her and hearing her slurring "I'm not here" in the background. Being in and out of foster homes. I became super depressed around age 15 and repeated 9th grade 4 times before dropping out.. I dunno where I'm going with this but I just feel like I've been ripped off a life. I'm suffering and I looked everywhere for help. I'm 33 now and I really think I'm in hell at times. I tried so hard to repair my mom's family and was never able to grow into the man the world requires me to be. The only way I am in anybodys life is if I make an effort to be.. It's like I need validation. I constantly struggle with my weight and self image.. it's like I'm not a person. I'm just constantly pretending to be. All I do is stress out about finances and my loneliness. I've never had anybody in my life that I didn't eventually feel was preying on me or using me and I feel like life almost requires us to do that to each other to a degree but I cant.. I was in a strict religious foster home and was abused by them... told me my dad was most likely in hell.. that my mom and everyone I was in school with was worldly.. I was all but amish.. it has me fucked up.. I've been cheated on by every girl I was ever with... idk anymore. I'm getting older and I'm scared I'm gonna commit suicide.. I'm probably not going to but God hates me is a thought that goes goes through my head daily.. he stole everything from me and makes me blame myself for it. I feel guilty for shit other people do.. fuck this life and everyone in it..people keep dying and I don't have it in me to give a fuck anymore.. I don't care about anybody... most don't care about themselves.everyone around me are either drug addicts who will betray u for a fix or they're holier than thou prudes who don't judge anybody but yet judge everybody... maybe they're both. Maybe I'm both. idk anymore. My life lacks purpose. I've been diagnosed with aspergers, major depressive disorder, ptsd, schizoaffective disorder bipolar type, and most recently schizophrenia. The mental health field is a joke tho anymore and I'm afraid they're going to give me a medication that will make me do something I don't want to do like I almost did before.. I'm always left on my own in my broken mind. I feel like I'm a madman
Hope you doing well my friend. Thank you for sharing your story. I am a psych student lemme try see.
1. You do have abandonment wound.
2. Difficulty in a having a centered Sense of self
3. Emotional distress
4. Loniless
5. Self harming behavior/ suicidal ideation
They do match bpd symptoms.
If you ask me these labels aren't doing anything
You would definitely meet some cptsd traits because you went through developmental trauma and that's what you need to heal from with self compassion and healing the deep rooted shame.
think and that's only tag you need to learn about.
When I go through hard situations in life I know deep down in my spirit that Jesus loves
He heals he set us free from captivity
We just need to to ask
🙏😭
Psychedelics are just an exceptional mental health breakthrough. It's quite fascinating how effective they are against depression and anxiety. Saved my life.
I wish they were readily available in my place.
Microdosing was my next plan of care for my husband. He is 59 & has so many mental health issues plus probable CTE & a TBI that left him in a coma 8 days. It's too late now I had to get a TPO as he's 6'6 300+ pound homicidal maniac.
He's constantly talking about killing someone.
He's violent. Anyone reading this
Familiar w/ BPD know if it is common for an obsession with violence.
Microdosing helped me get out of the pit of my worst depressive episode, a three year long episode, enough to start working on my mental health.
Can dr.porass send to me in UK?
I dropped acid on several occasions in the 70’s and 80’s. For the most part it was interesting and a little disturbing but it has helped a bit.
Botshamed
Finally, someone gets it. Borderlines are not born this way or we don’t choose not to trust people. In conclusion, we were betrayed and abandoned by the people we were supposed to rely on, and this is projected to other relationships sadly. We are on never ending quests to find trust in others but at this point I have given up and only rely on myself sadly.
I know ppl who have, over time, been made the sacrificial lamb in their families. They aren’t treated like everyone else. There is exclusion and therefore disconnection. It’s very sad. They never got the chance to develop in a healthy way over time.
Treat yourself to items that bring you comfort and joy, such as scented candles 🕯, cozy blankets, or coloring books. Engaging in sensory activities can soothe and calm the mind.
Apart from the close-ups on his mouth , this is brilliant, cristal clear explanations
I don’t agree, this is only a small part of the explanation
Practice mindfulness and grounding techniques to stay present in the moment 🧘♀🌿.
I'm pretty sure I suffer from bpd. My father was emotionally absent. He was at home, but just not there. Never received any congratulations for anything, never got a hug from him, never had any talks with him at all. Never attended any graduations and the list goes on. I feel like us men yearn for acceptance and recognition from a father figure in life. At least a good job, I'm proud of you or an I love you and i never got that. If he was compactly not in the picture it might have been better because i wouldn't have kept trying to get his attention. In my culture you're told to just man up and push through. I am 30 years old now and because of this I've never had a true sense of self and still don't. I feel empty everyday. Constantly changing who I am, what my interests are, what I want to do in life. I've damaged relationships with women in my life because of it and constantly feel guilt. Its exhausting.
Sending you hugs. I really resonate with what you wrote
Me too. Really resonates. Thanks for posting it.
Chin up brother. You're not alone. It's a long road to walk, but if each step is with intention and carries withn it the assurance that you do not walk alone, the wrongs will begin to be set right.
The same thing happend to me. The lights are on but nobodys home dad. I got dumped by the best love i had to that point and i remember him unable to do or say anything as i cried on him
Resonate, but im a 40yrs old woman and hade that from my only caregiver - my mother. Dad died when I was 2yrs old. No good warm attachment at all. Struggels alot to, but I think we can heal whit awerness and a lot of inner work. Dont give up, hugs from sweden❤
I cannot argue with the speaker. I found what he said to be well spoken and mostly accurate. I personally believe that BPD is mostly founded in neglect. It is highly common for BPD to have co-morbidities such as CPTSD and DID which makes the sourcing extremely difficult. But what I find that most research neglects that would give them a stronger inclination to see neglect as the major disfunction that leads to BPD is that the parents lie about how the raise their child and just dont understand where a critical factor is missing. We all color our history. See ourselves as better parents than we were. People also want to avoid blame so they consciously and unconsciously lie to themselves and others. And perhaps the most critical is the not knowing what you should be doing. My parent s raised me this way so it is good when in fact it is not. Just not recognizing your child as an individual can be catastrophic. Nelglecting to give a child one on one face time to help them develope a sense of self is incredibly damaging.
Trauma and abuse have a factor in BPD, generally as no one is only raised with neglect. But neglect retards the formation of self. The social functions of self are malformed so the individual has trouble relating to others. Validation of self is essential. Learning to love oneself is essential.
I always find alot of people with BPD myself included like dark humour
I’m in on that one.
Amen brother!
Anthony Jeselnik! Huge fan!
Plan a relaxing getaway ✈: Consider traveling to peaceful and scenic destinations such as nature reserves, beach resorts, or spa retreats to unwind and recharge.
And most people can't handle it because it invades their brain which is a safe place. They live life in denial of the sadness and tragedy until they are put in that place, in which case they turn to anti-depressants to numb their brain and feelings, to carry on like drones, as a productive and valued member of society.
Diagnosed at 16 now 61, I remember sitting in my highchair at 2 years old thinking...''Is this it!!?" I remember feeling what a stupid world, "I'm not bringing children into this!" Then I confirmed it at age 4.
I'm so sensitive, this world is almost unbearable.
It's not borderline, I absorb peoples energies and think they're mine😜 Takes me forever to get rid of them.
@user-jh8sm2ph5e well I'm definitely diagnosed with bpd and got the scars to prove it. I took them off a lady when I was 16. It took 15 years to fix it. The depression and suicidal behaviour was from my parents I think. But I'm super sensitive to foods as well, pink salt has lots of magnesium which makes me display real bpd behaviour. So honestly I have no clue🤷
61 too. Absorber too. No children either. High chair would have been a luxury.
@@janetennyson131 😂 hang in there, got to be our time soon! 👍
Look up the H.I.S.S. of the A.S.P. (interesting anagram, I know) but it's actual documented scientific research that concludes, in part, that anomalously sensitive people are in fact, psychic. Our sensitivities are part of extra sensory perception. There is nothing wrong with us, we are just dealing with a gift that we didn't know we had, or that it even existed. Imagine if you were dosed with mushrooms or acid, but didn't know. Didn't even know hallucinogens existed ..what would you think? You would think you were crazy. Or in hell. But if you know about it, it's a whole different ball game. This "illness" is just the effect of a super power inside us that we don't know how to control. Read the H.I.S.S. of the A.S.P.. ❤
You just described an INFJ on the Meyers Briggs Type Index.
I'm a therapist who works with BPD patients and i myself have suffered from Borderline traits and my mother was a classic Borderline. I'm unclear about mentalization based therapy but I'm open to learning. I had some difficulty following his line of reasoning but I still intend to read the MBT literature
It takes a while to grasp. Try reading Jon Allen's work on mentalizing.
Are borderline traits close to being "normal"? Are Highly sensitive people more at risk for being afflicted with borderline personality disorder?
I don't think he expressed his ideas clearly. Apparently he thinks the person who will develop bpd has an inborn deficiency, an inability to learn development skills from others. And apparently this inability is compounded by inadequate parenting.
A bit late, but a lot of the ideas behind his view of development or psychoanalytic.
From the outside it seems like analysts blame parents for everything, when that’s not necessarily what they’re saying.
There’s a predisposition to not being a bit more sensitive and having higher needs, and the borderline traits come in when the parent is unable to meet those needs. That’s not to say the parent neglected their child (not on purpose), but that they couldn’t fulfill the needs of the child. This insecure attachment leads to a pattern of being misunderstood, which then leads to the child misunderstanding the world in return.
I identified immediately with what he said. Nobody really knew how to be there for me and I never knew how to ask... Because probably whenever I did I was discouraged to do so in some way or another. So, I just made up my own mind about things in life. Nobody to confide in or trust to bounce off the cooky ideas that were stirring in my head after some experiences out of my level of understanding as a child. I have a pervasive sense of self loathing and rejection that I fear might end in my doom. But love and A LOT of therapy is setting me free.
Once you grow up and learn to trust beyond the five people you choose, life gets much more peaceful. All I wish for in life is peace of mind. And slowly but surely I have the keys to free myself from this choke hold my brain has had on me.
Childhood depression/anxiety + traumatic experiences is what infected me with bpd.
I was diagnosed at age 14 in 2000. My parents were informed about bpd and given literature about it. They only saw one word: manipulation. Oh yea, she's manipulative!!! It was like a license to blame me for everything and further want to rid themselves of me. They never even entertained the notion that their choice to barely acknowledge my existence and use material wealth instead of an actual relationship or parenting could have fucked me up.
I'm sorry 🫂
And when that relationship turns it’s back and with no explanation stonewalls the borderline, it creates incredible pain and suffering. The borderline is created by inconsistent feedback, for one, starting very early in life. The child notices every inconsistency because they are bright and can’t be fooled but this is to a fault. The child somehow perceives abandonment as a cause of something they do not posses that others do and this is where the madness begins, they’re feeling left out , not equally loved by the parents when they see a sibling have intense connections that the borderline can somehow never quite have. It’s really not good to feel this way. There is recovery but like an addiction it is a serpent laying in wait. You must keep yourself in check.
The "keeping myself in check" part was scary to discover... But all good now
For someone with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), it's important to prioritize self-care and find coping strategies that work for you. Here are some tips:
1. Practice mindfulness and self-awareness 🧘♂: Take time to check in with your emotions and thoughts, and learn to recognize triggers that may worsen your symptoms.
2. Seek therapy and support 🤝: Consider therapy, such as Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) or Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), to help you learn new skills for managing emotions and improving relationships.
3. Engage in creative activities 🎨: Crafts like painting, knitting, or journaling can be therapeutic and help you express yourself creatively.
4. Invest in self-care products 🛁: Treat yourself to items like scented candles, bath bombs, or cozy blankets to create a calming and soothing environment.
5. Plan a relaxing getaway ✈: Consider traveling to peaceful and scenic destinations such as nature reserves, beach resorts, or spa retreats to unwind and recharge.
Remember to take things one step at a time and be gentle with yourself. You deserve support and understanding as you navigate living with BPD. #selfcare #mentalhealthawareness #bpdawareness
It is not fully the parent/s fault? I can't agree with that at all. BPD is developing in extreme conditions, so if there is another sibling involved and doesn't have BPD, he definitely has something else like strong codependency or narcissism or other crap, just please don't tell me that the other sibling is healthy and loving and the only the second one was unfortunate and got BPD. They both probably have a very shitty family, if any. BPD is not developing in families where parents love each other and they are great parents. Not at all.
Thank you! I come from such a family. I have BPD, but I detect narcissism, codependency and bipolar in come if my siblings who refuse to seek help and it’s because my parents were undiagnosed narcissists.
Thank you for pointing this out. I don’t see how a child can MAKE something difficult for a parent. Children are difficult in general; it is not an excuse for emotional neglect. If a parent is not mature enough to handle a child’s immaturity and vulnerability they should not have children. Period.
You can't blame everything on the parents. Too simplistic
@@TK-fm5ud children are NOT difficult
@@annekerotterdam7499 Sorry let me clarify what I meant. Some/most parents may find the raising of children a difficult task in general.
This seems to assume that “others” are somehow benign or altruistic. I think BPs are conscious of the double binds that others force them into.
This
I’m BDP Sir. You Are Wright ... Thanks for your seriously and intelligent and sensibility.
Thanks so much Simon
You are Right...(sorry )
You can edit your comment, you know.
Remember to take things one step at a time and be gentle with yourself. You deserve support and understanding as you navigate living with BPD. #selfcare #mentalhealthawareness #bpdawareness
I had a counselor who at one point mentioned I had a personality disorder but never said which one it was. I haven't been to counseling since so I don't know. I do know both my mother and my father are narcissists. I have avoided any relationships for 10 years because of the pain I caused and the pain it caused me.
As for crafts that someone with BPD can do, here are some creative and therapeutic ideas:
Knitting or crocheting 🧶
Painting or drawing 🎨
Scrapbooking or journaling 📔
DIY projects such as making jewelry or home decor items 💍🏠
Pottery or ceramics 🏺
guys.. he does not say it is not caused by trauma, he does not say it's victim's fault - he only describes the process behind the scenes and sounds very much relatable to me
He should explain how art that results from intense feeling and acuity is a form of brain damage.
He should humbly submit his brain damage, turpitude, when it comes to ecstatically and inventively expressing one's optative or entering into another's.
Practice mindfulness and grounding techniques to manage intense emotions. Try activities like meditation 🧘♂, deep breathing exercises, or yoga.
The fact that many people felt that way means that he did. Stop justifying this turd.
My therapist and i surmised that my BPD was caused by an abusive friend i had as a child (my home life was great). But this "friend" treated me like we were in an abusive relationship and from then on, my relationships with friends/others has been difficult to traverse
I'm sorry you experienced this but very happy that you shared it because I believe that childhood relationships with friends and peers def. shape this outcome as well and no one ever covers it. My mom is diagnosed with BPD/NPD and I keep a close eye on my eldest son and haven't even put my other child in school yet because of her temperament, I don't want her to feel abandoned because she is very sensitive. VERY sensitive. I feel like I was like her and my mom was like her as a baby too so I gave myself more time at home with her as a small child. My eldest was not as easily wound up.
Children can be brutal to one another and mimic what their family does.
BPD is a natural reaction to living in a cruel and unnatural world. Those who don’t have it are simply more emotionally repressed because they have experienced even more trauma than those with BPD. If a truly emotionally stable and unrepressed person(especially a woman) exists in this very sick and twisted world, I’ve certainly never encountered her. The two options for women in this world seem to be totally repressed and dissociated from reality, or emotionally unstable and less dissociated from reality.
This is such garbage.
Oh boo ho poor woman
@katieandnick4113 what you said really struck deep. You put into words something that I think I have always felt but not been able to quite put my finger on
" the two options for women in this world seem to be totally repressed and dissociated from reality, or emotionally unstable and less dissociated from reality"
For the longest time in my life I was the former, now I think I've become/I'm becoming the latter
It's quite a daily challenge to struggle and cope.
I believe an exception to this may be if one is raised by emotionally mature parents who develop secure attachment to their child...perhaps such individuals don't have this eternal "void" within them that warps/distorts how they perceive their relationship to the world and people in general...and the ever present agony of existing in such a state of consciousness
Histrionic Personality Disorder
Bpd in the modern woman is what happens when women aren’t encouraged to reward good men with their love but instead, women are encouraged to reward evil men with their love. When these evil men do evil things, all the ingredients to create bpd are on place.
I came from a horrible abusive family and lost both my parents as a kid
It really ruined me 😢
Thanks for being here. -P
Not only is there a deficit in the trusting relationship with others but also with the internalised carer that they also distrust. They are caught between both an internal and external environments both of whom are untrustworthy..... it’s not a good place to be.
Bpd is most associated with abandonment/trauma.
Marcy Allison Yes, I also recall a study which showed that lack of parental nurturing specifically, which is abuse
I think they’re like four different kinds of BPD I can’t fully remember but fear of abandonment isn’t a core trait in all of them or at least it doesn’t manifest in the way that’s commonly described I avoid people to avoid pain so I don’t really care for it anymore there is one human I speak to but I constantly think about not talking to them even though I get on with them the constant struggle to commit to a friend who is truly good is exhausting
in my opinion children cannot grow up healthy without being someone special to someone - Bessel van der Kolk says: Every child wants to be seen and special for somebody. Here in this videos it seems somtimes that People with BPD are too vulnerable because they want special relationships - I guess, if primary caregivers are not able to respond to the needs of there Baby and Toddler, those children will search for someone who is able their whole life. Maybe there is a underlying condition like ADHD which makes it more difficult for parents to adapt - but so much selfhatred in children must have a cause in how they were treated while growing up.
Please dont blame the victim! and of course the victim has to work to not stay in the position of a victim -it shifts as you grow up and you need to believe that people can change and be good to you if you are willing to trust. We need to adapt as grown ups even if we never had the cozy childhood with parents who were always reliable. And, we should be able to forgive our parents for not being perfect (as long as they tried to be a good parent).
I have a friend born with ADD/ADHD and MDD. She developed BPD from CPTSD, then AUD. It's complex how things progress even with healing as the mind alone is beyond complex.
This is an excellent explanation thank you
Good luck to everyone with getting healthy. There's always a chance and hope
This is the most accurate description of how BPD presents and feels like to the person with BPD, which I do believe I have, as it is very hard to manage with a support system when you don't feel supported in your life experiences. Sharing your emotional experiences is extremely difficult to do, as everything is very intense, no matter what the emotion is, even happy feels like euphoria rather than general happiness, so naturally, I chose happy instead of sad, mad, disappointed, jealous, or any other emotion that I was not able to validate externally because it would be rejected and corrected (punishing emotional expressions without understanding the root cause). The only emotions that were accepted and connected to were good ones, polite ones, acceptable ones according to my sex, but my mind was trained to think autonomously, so I chose to analyze the world rather than experience it, ending up in observational mode for extended periods of time where your life appears to "be on autopilot " when trying to regulate states of thought (when emotions are "shut down" and unable to respond), and this "mode" shifting creates "borders" or "barriers" in our mind to better control ourselves. I learned to mask so well that I can create my personality based upon the needs of others, and I do best when I can be emotionally forward with people (because I learned to be polite, and still prefer polite conversations over disorganized ones, even though my thought process is very disorganized, my emotional process is systemically objective and narrow, which keeps me on track when I'm talking and I can time manage better). I make friends fast at work and whenever I meet someone, but I'm very careful to avoid close interpersonal connection at work to keep that environment professional (which I regulate will in these types of emotional states). Having a system of interpersonal understanding in your relationships does help a lot with emotional regulation when spending time with people. It feels good to connect with people who feel this struggle as intensely as I do.
Engaging in crafts can be a great way to express emotions, relax, and improve self-esteem. Find an activity that you enjoy and that helps you feel grounded and connected to your creative side 🌈✨. Remember to be gentle with yourself and prioritize self-care in your healing journey. #mentalhealthawareness #crafttherapy
@PoisonelleMisty4311 I appreciate the advice. Sadly, I am not very crafty, nor do I have the temperament for stillness too much, which I am working on through writing and meditation (which I guess are my hobbies that are non exercise related). I did paint when I was younger, and I may get back into that to help with the overwhelming need to know everything all the time.
Quite indulgent in the father and mother role
Hi. 65 years old before I realised I had BPD. All my life felt different, and yes, I was eventually diagnosed as Autistic in my 40’s, but it was not until I realised I had BPD that I started to understand why I lived a completely different universe to everyone else. I now realise that happened when I was only 18 months old. I had a little sister who was 2 months old and she died overnight in her crib next to me. My parents absolutely refused to discuss it and I just let it go. I now realise that I must have been traumatised beyond belief when my mother discovered her and my relationship with my parents and the world was forever changed.
Any time i brought issues to my mother for help it was used to abuse me so often times it is cultivated by sick parents. Have a bad day at school it's probably because you did something wrong. Ask for food it's because you eat it all. Ask for clothes you wouldn't need any if you wouldn't forget them at your friend's house like that shirt 6 months ago. You have to find things within your self to survive yes physical pain feels more real than the gaslighting
I'm not sure if you mean sick parents as in ill, or maladapted. I'm autistic. I didn't know that when I had my children. It's been explained to me that my eldest child who went on to develop BPD would have experienced my autism as a kind of narcissistic abuse, as if I was a "dead mother". That's not the dynamic of our relationship, btw, but her emotional resilience would have been damaged in the same way. On the other hand, I have another child and brought up one of my grandchildren. They are also autistic, and we are absolutely on the same wavelength. It's not that we are closer in any way, or that I loved them more. We're all deeply introverted and understand each other's tetchiness about personal space. My eldest is extrovert and seems overwhelming because she is a person who needs people. This is all more understandable with hindsight. Hopefully future generations will be better prepared.
I'm sorry to hear that you have experienced such hurtful and invalidating responses from your mother. It's understandable that dealing with this kind of emotional abuse can be incredibly challenging and can deeply affect your self-esteem and mental well-being. Gaslighting, manipulation, and blaming are all forms of emotional abuse that can have a lasting impact on your mental health.
It's important to remember that you are not to blame for the way your mother has treated you. It is not your fault, and you deserve to be treated with respect, kindness, and support. It can be helpful to seek support from a therapist or counselor who can help you process your feelings, heal from the emotional wounds, and develop coping strategies to navigate difficult situations.
In the meantime, here are some self-care tips that may help you in coping with the effects of emotional abuse:
1. Practice self-compassion: Be gentle and kind to yourself. Recognize that you are worthy of love, respect, and care, and treat yourself with the same compassion you would give to a friend in a similar situation.
2. Set boundaries: Establish clear boundaries with your mother to protect yourself from further emotional harm. Limit your contact with her if necessary, and prioritize your own well-being.
3. Seek support: Reach out to trusted friends, family members, or a support group for emotional support. Talking to someone who understands and validates your feelings can be incredibly healing.
4. Engage in self-soothing activities: Find activities that bring you comfort, joy, and relaxation. This could include spending time in nature, practicing mindfulness or meditation, engaging in creative expression, or engaging in physical exercise.
5. Focus on your strengths: Remind yourself of your positive qualities, strengths, and achievements. Celebrate your resilience and inner strength in overcoming difficult challenges.
Remember that healing from emotional abuse takes time and patience. It's okay to seek help and support as you navigate this journey towards healing and self-discovery. You deserve to be treated with love, respect, and understanding.
@@PoisonelleMisty4311 it's very good advice thanks for your compassion the world can be a hard place sometimes
And sometimes we do need to start taking responsibility for our actions and anger issues which ultimately harm us and our relationships. If we want to heal that is and stop the generational trauma. Continuing victimhood is self indulgence and doesn't serve anyone.
BPD reminds me of the movie Ironman. In the beginning, the Humvee Tony Stark is in gets blown up, and the shrapnel gets lodged in his chest, working its way to his heart. The only thing keeping the shrapnel from killing him was a contraption his buddy pieced together with a bunch of junk and an old battery. And in the end, Tony's the guy who has to sacrifice himself for the good of humanity. Any of this sound familiar?
That was genius
My mother most likely have this disorder , she struggles to see things through others perspective, if a person talks to her and they have a angry looking face she will immediately assume that person is pissed off at her and will go on and on about how bad that person , she will create ridiculous reasonings of why that person is rude to her when infact that other person is not even rude , as I am saying if she find your facial expressions unpleasant she will assume it is because the other person hates her or is jealous of her .
When I reason her that the other person might be going through their own shit , she will refuse to except it and will say things like their life fantastic, they are very happy, she will often downplay others illnesses and over exaggerates our and her illnesses basically the pain of her loved ones and her is much more then others .
She has almost cut contact with most of the family and friends and maintains a very small circle and drains them out of their energy because she does not talk to many people , she is very pushy as well as clingy.
Her childhood and adult life was extremely traumatic , I mean she went through absolutely horrible shit , when the times changed she did not change and always tried to create that extremely toxic environment In our house as well even after so many years.
From the last few years she got addicted to things like chalk , raw rice, soil , now she is so addicted to soil that she might kill herself ,
Whenever we bring the topic of moving out she always deflect and avoid the question , or ask us condescendingly where we are going to go, and we will be never be able to financialy support ourselves and we will always have to depend on her and my father , but sometimes she will be like we should work hard so that we can be independent and support ourselves .
My parents relationship has always been a nightmare because my father was an abuser and my mother would always chase him, and still chase him, he constantly cheats on her but she keep on pursuing him although he is not abusive anymore and have genuinely changed , he also grew up in an extremely abusive environment and took it all out on us and our mother . My mother was abused by her parents as my her father had two wives and they hated each other . Since she grew up in an extremely patriotic environment being a women makes her feel worthless , she also always demeans other women except me her daughter , she is also a very loving mother when her mood is good , she. Derives her self worth from my father who doesn't give a damn about her he lives in another country and they haven't met since 5 years ,thank god for that
My mother also have a shopping addiction which always creates financial problem for us and she puts the blame on my father for not sending enough money which is not true he sends us more then sufficient money, she is housewife because our country is very patriarchal and women are shamed and not encouraged to work although it is changing but only for our generation , people here even though they encourage young girls to work now ,still do not encourage older women to work and think of them beneath the younger educated independent women and older educated independent women, even though they had no say in their own life .
She is also suffering from depression for more then 10 years and is completely dependent on medicine's .
Jesus Christ, I thought I was reading about my mother. Are you Korean as well?
That's not borderline.. your mother sounds narcissistic.
Stay strong, and always fight for life, fight for survival of your own better future
Addicted to soil? What? She eats dirt? I'm confused.
You have a lot of burdens keep sharing you experiences with others in similar situations it you will find ways through it. You seem already very resilient and I hope you can lead a happier life yourself. not like your mothers.
I'm sorry, this was an extremely psychobabbl-y way of simply saying that invalidation or lack of attunement is a major factor in people developing BPD. And I'm also sorry to say, a child can only bear so much responsibility for constant invalidation and lack of attunement.
yeah I was like… wtf is he saying? it felt too complicated where it seemed like it really shouldn’t have been
Never apologize for things that are or "were " out of your control...you dont need to say sorry for others being incompetent & their lack of accountability, plus the blame shifting of psychological abuse never ends until we give them the boot...they aren't good enough.
Agree. For me my parents were absolute nightmares and I lived in a prison. I will say that it's pretty much on them that I got BPD. I was a polite and quiet child however, BPD really blossomed in my teens, and shit turned for the worse. My brother never got BPD, because my parents used a facade as soon as he was around. I don't want anything to do with my parents, ever.
@@cosmo43095 first of all BPD is UNDER DIAGNOSED...Second of all, you need to seek a neurologist for a brain scan to determine anything...psychiatry has failed...nothing but a guessing game with NO science to back their diagnosis. CPTSD & personality disorders are both related to trauma. Personality disorders are physical brain injury in early development due to trauma...where the child lacks emotional attachment to the caretaker...which is how splitting a person's brain happens & the child feels no alternative or safe refuge...just like a tourture victim.
Fonagy has written excellent books on the subject.
BPD is about relational rupture. I find it aggravating how commonly I hear behavior and treatment be conflated. Its the difference between equality and equity. As far as RELATIONAL NEEDS, the "same" behavior is NOT the "same" treatment: what matters is not the raw behavior but the *dynamic BETWEEN parent and child.*
People in DIFFERENT CIRCUMSTANCES being treated the "same" IS them experiencing DIFFERENT TREATMENT. BPD comes from ruptures and misattunement in RELATIONSHIP. This is inevitable and may be more likely with more sensitive people, but it is not BECAUSE of their sensitivity. It is because of the disparity in sensitivity leading to less attunement. It reflects a feature of the RELATIONSHIP, *NOT* the individual.
You punch the same way at two people and because they are different heights, one is hit in the chest and the other hit in the face. Same "behavior," different treatment.
You go away on a business trip for 6 months and the kid who was 3y/o when you left still feels broadly secure and the kid who was 1y/o develops disordered attachment. Same "behavior," different treatment.
Maybe you play ball w/ your kids as an expression of nurturance and the you've built a relationship with the older kid where that's experienced as a "love language" and the younger kid is functionally carried along for the ride and gets the same "engagement" on the surface but without the context of any of the contact and attunement. Maybe he doesn't like baseball and you haven't bothered to connect with him about art, which he enjoys. Same "behavior," different treatment.
And then years and years you gaslight and blame HIM for behavior that reflects feeling more withdrawn, less motivated. It compounds again and again by blaming the victim for being victimized, and its one thing to have a difference in blame btwn two people and something else entirely to blame the one who has been wronged, much less blame them FOR experiencing being wronged.
BPD results from insidious relational betrayal that requires some sensitivity to be affected by, as it also creates that sensitivity/sensitization. Often this starts so early even what is considered to be of innate origin is produced by nurture.
This guy is crazy, what the hell, Its all a result of being hurt, harmed so deeply that they become broken! How did he get so "mentalized" as to not see that simple human reality?
I agree with you..he began to confuse me
I can say my therapist is the best one I’ve ever had. I’ve been through it when I needed it most no one was there. I do have to agree with BPD you do find favorite people and you get so attached to, it makes them want to distance themselves and I feel so bad for the people I’ve done it to. I’ve never been willing to commit ever and I believe we can talk ourselves through it. It does take a lot of convincing tho… I wish my parents were there for me. But to anyone reading this trust me ik how hard it can be, but you gotta remember to live in the moment. Not in the past or future. Just remember to take a day at a time no matter how hard it can be. Remember distractions are our friends most of the time, but they have to be positive or else it can also lead to worse thoughts. And always remember to be the person you know you are because once you start acting like everyone else, you slowly become them. Not you. I wish everyone who reads this the best and I’ll send positivity your way. You can make it through the day I promise and everyday after that. Just remember no matter how hard it can be to get out of bed or out from under the covers, that is the first step. You got this! ❤
Saddest part is how a lot of BPD’s inflict so much pain on others by being professional victims
Huh?
I have to disagree with one caveat - I was a BAD MOTHER but I only targeted my children no one else. I could never stand up to anyone else so I don't understand how you can state that BPD inflicts" pain on others" PS: My adult sons and I have discussed my mental disorder and they have been incredibly supportive and forgiving.
@@catherinecastle8576people become collateral damage since they will do anything to extract emotions from others. Example is my ex would say anything about me if she thought it would benefit her. She would play the victim regardless of how it would affect my perception or character. She had an inability to evaluate how it would affect me
@@truecynic1270that’s you. You’re not everyone. Thats black and white thinking. Maybe you affected people more than you’re aware and of course your kids would be most likely to understand and forgive. The borderlines I know have a VERY difficult time accepting they are in the wrong and hurt people…..hmm
Because THEY are victims. How can you blame a child for being traumatized by exterior factors? No one wants BPD even the ones who have it. They are the real victims not the parents. Once they get to a point where they need healing it’s up to them to either want to stay a victim or work on it to heal.
Wow to hear it in words just acknowledges everything I was thinking about in my head
It is always the parents fault but clinicians won’t admit this because they would lose a client
Edit…when I mean lose a client I mean when underage are in therapy they can’t tell the parents or child it’s the parents fault or they won’t bring the kid in anymore. I’ve seen this in multiple families when it was even suggested that they were somewhat responsible.
I agree that clinicians usually won’t admit this. As is the case in this video. But I don’t think it’s because they’re afraid of losing clients. I think most people with BPD desperately WANT a therapist to validate that their parents were to blame. But for some reason that I don’t understand, blaming the parents seems to be taboo to them. But then you also have to consider the fact that psychiatry/psychology experts are not and will never be immune to their own biases. I think a huge number of these professionals are narcissists themselves.
Sexually abused since I was 3,5 yo. Remember things like yesterday. Happened with other family members who passed me off like used toy.
Got told I was a mistake, that world would be better off without me. My grandma said about me that I was a bastard Child and should have been aborted. Saw my mother get beat up by my ‘step’dad, her head smacked inbetween the fridge and its door.
Always bullied at school. Moved a lot when I was younger, no trustable people around me. When I went to Highschool even teachers ignored my issues, got Treathened with knives by kids.
Then fell further into my ED, drugs, self isolation. Tried going to police about abuse, they did not take me seriously and sent me off without ANY hope or hope to resolution.
Been doing therapy for 8-9 years; stopped with the meds. Gave me horrible side effects. People who are supposed to help me with work/psychologist just did not show to their appointments with me so now my trust is even more down the drain … Life is suffering, holy hell. Oh and I’m almost 30 now. 😢 I feel like I’m wasting away
Thank you for sharing this. Appreciate you here, and wishing you well. -P
Thank you for sharing your story! I'm so sorry people have betrayed you and did not treat you like the precious person that you are. Don't give up. There are good people out there but you have to be patient because good people are not in high supply but I promise you, they are worth the wait.
I feel like a lot of people in the forces have his because their emotions are rarely validated. They get treated like crap mostly from within.
For someone with borderline personality disorder (BPD), it's important to prioritize self-care and engage in activities that promote emotional well-being 🌿. Here are some tips and suggestions:
1. Practice mindfulness and grounding techniques to manage intense emotions. Try activities like meditation 🧘♂, deep breathing exercises, or yoga.
2. Express yourself through creative outlets such as art 🎨, journaling ✍, or music 🎶. Crafting can be a great way to channel your emotions and boost self-esteem. Consider trying activities like knitting, sewing, painting, or making jewelry.
3. Surround yourself with a support system of friends, family, or a therapist to help navigate the challenges of BPD. Building strong connections with others can provide validation and stability.
4. Treat yourself to items that bring you comfort and joy, such as scented candles 🕯, cozy blankets, or coloring books. Engaging in sensory activities can soothe and calm the mind.
5. Consider exploring nature and going on tranquil getaways to destress and rejuvenate. Travel to serene destinations like a peaceful beach 🏖, a quiet cabin in the mountains 🏔, or a relaxing spa retreat.
Remember, self-care is a journey and it's important to be patient and kind to yourself along the way. #SelfCareSunday #MentalHealthMatters #CraftingTherapy #TravelInspo 🌟
IT CAN BE DONE!!!!!!!!!!!
I love you borderlines. You are often the most gifted, sensitive, intelligent, loving people out there.
Your development 0-5 and/or in puberty went wrong disastrously.
Please don’t give up.
There is literature. There is help. There are tactics that actually work.
I know it’s a hell. But, so what? That just gives you a chance to ascend.
What a nice thing to say. It's not often people pay attention to our good qualities.
Thanks✨️
The only reason I wouldn’t have BPD is thanks to my late Grandmother and older brothers who were at my aid young in my life. To them I found worthiness. I feel like children who develop BPD don’t have someone they can hold onto safely and securely. But there’s an ego and superiority aspect that people don’t touch on enough. A lot of people with BPD I noticed have huge egos for some reason, probably just a personality trait, and felt spited that they weren’t validated the way they needed to be. Just my theory.
The part that peter said about being partly a result of family trauma but partly not at all is something I resonated with so deeply.
When his hand moved away i saw the part of myself that couldn't be described through trauma. Yes there was trauma but it resulted from being a sensitive kid in an insensitive familiy. My sensitivity was as much 'responsible' for the personality that followed.
I've been in therapy for 20 years and I've largely 'resolved' my trauma. I've grieved the losses endlessly. Mercilessly. But the chaos remains and in some respects is stronger than ever!
I don’t like that he is shifting blame from the parents……… let’s be real ... in 99% it’s abuse and the parents are to blame. Some therapists don’t say that because often times parents is the one who bay them so they lie
agreed. It's the environment for sure. As a HSP they can say I'm predisposed to it and that's true. However, focusing on that is somewhat like hitting a plate with a hammer and noticing that it breaks in a spiral pattern rather than most plates, which break in random pieces. The psychologist, in this example, would focus on the "predisposition to spiral fracturing" rather than the "getting hit with a hammer" part.
I guess this presenter's argument is that it's more about parent and child being VERY dissimilar, not necessarily either's fault. I would disagree as being dissimilar is not enough. My sMother was a SENSATE and I'm an INTUITIVE and we are very dissimilar but she is also a very special princess who was never wrong about anything. Just being dissimilar is not enough, they have to be broken in their own way. The combination of their being broken AND dissimilar, I believe, is the key combination.
@@taketheredpill1452 thank You for this wonderful comment .. you did explain very well with great example 👍👍👍👍👏👏👏👏👏👏👏 I totally agree
Marvelous!!! To listen to this guy is a like having a spiritual experience!!! ❤🙌🏻👍🏻
Remember, self-care is a journey and it's important to be patient and kind to yourself along the way. #SelfCareSunday #MentalHealthMatters #CraftingTherapy #TravelInspo 🌟
I have BPD. My childhood was very chaotic and my mom was very mentally unwell. She took her own life when I was in college. My olter brother fled when i was young. I havent seen him again. My sister died young. I think murder. My younger brother took his own life about 10 years ago.
I feel totally insane most of the time.
I live in a spaced out alternate reality of fantacy. Even at work. Thats sales person fake me. Not me.
The only place i am myself a little is in youtube comments.
Thank you for being here, and for sharing this. -P
I suffer from severe sleep order as a child. Started about 10, had not a night of serene sleep for decades.
Please get some help and trust in your higher self. May you be blessed 🙏
Thank you for the explanation.
My mother up and left my sister and I when I was around 9 years old, my grandma raised us. Before my mom leaving she was extremely mean and unstable. Today she blames me for the abandonment. At 40 years old I overcompensate so much for my kids - I over do everything with my own children so they never end up like that but that in itself is exhausting. It’s a generational cycle and I pray everyday my own children don’t end up with BPD
Well, am I the only person who did not fully understand that?
This is why I'm reading the comments :D Some of the comments make much more sense to me. I wasn't exactly convinced by Peter Fonagy's rather vague 'explanation' if one can call it that. I appreciate that it's hard to say what causes a very complicated condition -however, in this case, I almost would have preferred the answer, "well it's complicated and it depends on the person and their circumstances" -that wouldn't have helped much but would have made better sense to me, in a way.
I always thought they were born with it cause most people say it can’t be healed and some psychologist won’t even work with them but if this is something that is created, shouldn’t be able “uncreate”?
It just sucks that idk where the trauma comes from. I can’t remember my childhood at all. Maybe some bits n pieces but that’s it.
my theory on this is that children with this kind of experience tuned out most of the time, as a coping mechanism for being neglected or abuse. so they move in autopilot, it's like the house lights is on but nobody's in there kind of thing. So memory is blocked including emotions.
@@beeez_05 You numb yourself to make the neglect tolerable, and by the time you're thrown into society you haven't learned the rules and haven't acquired any of the skills you need to function there. You observe and then mimic what you see others do, but you've never learned how to control your emotions..
Does it come down to selfishness and narcissism and lack of empathy?
Not my parents fault that they abused me psychologically? Bs.
I know right? That pisses me off, but I’m trying to look at it from this angle: my parents were abusers, raised by abusers, who were raised by abusers, raised by abusers. If you get my point. Abusers come from generations of abusers who refuse to seek help, so we are the lucky ones who will get well and build solid families/children etc.
Are there any books or studies available on adopted children and this type of mal adjustment?
Yes, there are several books and studies available that focus on adopted children and their experiences with maladjustment, including issues related to attachment, identity, and trauma. Here are a few recommendations:
1. "The Connected Child: Bring Hope and Healing to Your Adoptive Family" by Dr. Karyn Purvis, David R. Cross, and Wendy Lyons Sunshine - This book provides practical advice and strategies for parents of adopted children, focusing on building strong attachments and addressing behavioral challenges.
2. "Parenting the Hurt Child: Helping Adoptive Families Heal and Grow" by Gregory C. Keck and Regina Kupecky - This book addresses the unique challenges faced by adoptive families, including the impact of trauma and loss on a child's development.
3. "The Primal Wound: Understanding the Adopted Child" by Nancy Verrier - This book explores the psychological and emotional impact of separation from birth parents on adopted children, and offers insight into attachment issues and identity formation.
4. "Adoption, Attachment, and Relationship Development: Beyond the Orphanage" by Jean Mercer and Elinor B. Rosenberg - This book delves into the complex dynamics of attachment in adopted children, and offers practical guidance for parents and caregivers.
Additionally, there are numerous research studies and academic articles on the topic of adoption and maladjustment in children. You can search online databases such as Google Scholar or PubMed to find relevant studies and research papers on this subject.
As each adopted child's experience is unique, it can be helpful to consult a mental health professional or therapist who specializes in adoption issues to provide tailored guidance and support for your specific situation.
If you don't understand what he's saying, it's not his fault. He is using very precise language, not simple English.
If fear of abandonment is one of the major symptoms why would that not be the cause? I feel my fear of abandonment triggers all other symptoms
I likely have BPD, very strongly likely, but I also have Narcissistic traits and they make me sick (i am male).
I lost a relationship due to my issues and I am filled with regret guilt and shame. It sucks. But one day I hope to change.
We hear you and bow down to you for the self examining. Totally a painful thing to do, but really imho a hopeful step. We have a number of videos on narcissism as well (Diana Diamond and Frank Yeomans talk extensively about it). Let us know if you have questions you would like us to pursue in future interviews. Hoping this channel is helpful to you.
Change happens when we accept our past, instead of griefing, and regret over and over....
I myself, just like you, have severe depression and regretting my past over and over in my head, i gaslit myself with harsh criticism, with big self hatred....
We need theraphy honestly, it's unhealthy....
Did you have problem with substance abuse? Or any addictions perhaps?
Tell her you are sorry regardless.
@@Peanuts76 sorry this is super late but here is an update: I was diagnosed with BPD and SUD (Substance use disorder) alongside it, but they did not think I met the criteria for NPD. Life has not necessarily got better, but I am far less, erratic with my outbursts and control my emotions slightly better.
I am exquisitely sensitive and I always felt things far more intensely than other people. Having that your sense of feeling neglect skyrockets and creates a narrative about yourself and why you are neglected. And yes there is legitimate neglect, but for example, my parents were the same to me and my brothers. Why did I react differently? Now, he says BPD isn't genetic, but we bring an assortment of genes to the party that can push it into a diagnosis. Sensitivity is one of them.
Strongly agree
That’s me. Thank you. I am 36 yo male.
Diagnosed at 20. Recently got it amended to Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Not sure what to believe anymore. Am probably a lost cause.
I guess this presenter's argument is that it's more about parent and child being VERY dissimilar, not necessarily either's fault. I would disagree as being dissimilar is not enough. My sMother was a SENSATE and I'm an INTUITIVE and we are very dissimilar but she is also a very special princess who was never wrong about anything. Just being dissimilar is not enough, they have to be broken in their own way. The combination of their being broken AND dissimilar, I believe, is the key combination.
I was diagnosed with BPD years ago. As I've aged, the symptoms have become much less.
37 yo male vet - i can be shot at I can be blown up and its wild but I can deal with it. Watching as I repeatedly fail to be there for my wife because I'm so busy either hanging on to a constant simmering rage (that exists for no immediate reason) by my fingernails or feeling so empty I cant even understand in those moments how to be there for her that's what kills parts of me. To look at someone you know you love and loves you and to watch them break down from not knowing how to reach you and to stare blankly back screaming inside that I should feel . Some days im grateful for the guilt, its been the only thing keeping me here for a while. Or i could sit here commenting on 6 year old YT videos..fuck
Thank you for this description of some of what you're experiencing, and for being here. Wishing you well. -P
I'm 27, and I always felt that growing up with undiagnosed ADHD, being punished for what I thought was essentially me being normal, finding everything hard when other people just glided into it naturally, and then being invalidated for this. I feel this has contributed to me developing something like BPD.
I fell in love with a girl ten years ago who was later diagnosed with BPD. When she was diagnosed I tried my best to understand it. I studied. Changed how I interacted with her. These videos helped me understand her. Unfortunately no matter what I changed she is sick and won't get the proper kind of help she needs. Last I spoke to her I basically said why do you treat me worse than those who have actually hurt and abused you? Why am I treated as lesser than them? How can you admit you treat me like shit and even laughed about it, but not do anything to change your behavior? Why do you even talk to me if you do not seem to like anything about me?
Haven't heard from her in months since. Hahaha she blocked me after that last text. Fucked up but I honestly felt just as much peace as I did pain cuz she told me everything i needed to know.
Proud of you
Wow, sounds like my ex GF. Dated her (was engaged) 10 yrs. Never a compliment, sarcastic, devoid of empathy, demanded apologies when her’s or no one’s fault, her family is always first, mercurial temperament, gossiper. I assumed she was bi-polar - and when I suggested that, she said I was bi-polar lol! I felt warring inside me everyday. I took in her sick mom until she passed and I cooked, cared for her. She was a lovely woman. I began to see some unhealthy personality traits in my GF that reminded me of my own crazed mother. After living together for 2 yrs, I sold my house and left her. I didn’t return calls/texts for 6 mos. I felt inner peace for the first time in a while.
Don’t think for a minute your ex GF does NOT talk sh*t about you behind your back.
Stay away from her. Don’t take her calls or texts. One day I promise you, she will begrudgingly admit you were/are a good man. By then, you’ll be over it and you’ll wonder why you put up with her for all that time.