Masking is so automatic for me now. I can meet another person’s social comfort level almost without thought. It can be very satisfying, I have learned so much about the way other people think and predict a lot of their words and actions. This ability significantly reduces my exhaustion levels but I still need to retreat and rest on a regular basis. I honestly don’t know who I am without a mask. I often feel that who I am is simply a person who can shift personality like a chameleon.
I have no idea. The test completely stumped me. I’m a mass of contradictions. Almost ever pair of statements equally described. If one was weighted a little more heavily it was almost impossible to tell.
I was just diagnosed! I had no idea how exhausting that masking for 50+ years had been. It was really taking its toll on me. I have felt so validated and free now!
@@nataliesirota2611 Happy birthday from another 58 year old! I'm still waiting for my assessment - having watched a lot of videos and read a lot of books whilst I've been waiting I'm sure I'll be joining you!
I keep coming back to this video being an older female undiagnosed but diagnosed myself definitely I relate to everyone and I am so thankful for every one of you women up there
I love that she said she would like people to know she is not arrogant and not trying to intimidate someone. Boy, I have got that my whole life. My directness, is confused with arrogance and intimidation. I have never understood that. Its why people on meeting me, will take an instant dislike of me. I have to constantly check myself.
I think this is a big difference about being an autistic female. Being direct and knowledgeable is valued if you're male, but not if you're female. I've also had this problem, especially when I was growing up, and I couldn't figure out why people thought I was a "snob".
I believe women on the Autism Spectrum have more pressure on them in terms of socializing. It is extremely painful to socialize for over an hour. Even less when I can't stop hitting the wrong moments to speak and I get drowned out from getting my turn to speak. This is in any situation I'm in that I get ignored it feels like. I learned from my doctor that my mind is younger than my actual age. Very weird, not everyone understands it. But, some may see it in their lives. What I would like nuerotypical people to know about me as someone at age 25 on the spectrum is I can't completely get what your'e saying the first few times, such as directions even just a few. My mind is like a circuit board and I have loose wires connecting in the wrong place and too many in general. But, it's not simple to communicate when staring at me no matter how polite feels as if the sun is beating down at me. All I feel is uncertainty on what to do next it's socially awkward and freezing up. Like a deer in the headlights. Hopefully, parents of a nuerodivergent children learn from this is give us time, being patient relieves so much stress! And we are unique and different. With weaknesses and strengths that must have boundaries and respect. Thank you for those who are listening. Merry Christmas!
Oh my goodness! I have been thinking I might be on the spectrum and then I read your comment about your mind being younger than your age and I KNOW that's me! I'm 67 and I am always talking with younger people. When we voted recently my husband pulled into a spot marked "senior parking and entrance". I told him we couldn't park there! I forgot that we are seniors. Not dementia forgetting - I just don't think that way. I don't fit in and would never go to our senior center because they act like old people. I'm trying to figure this out and my husband said "there is a difference between acting young and acting juvenile". I think he's right. I'm just me. I don't try to dress like a 20 something - I dress comfortably and try to look chic because I don't know what's "correct" I look at YT for women my age who dress nicely to help me sort it out. I don't understand "old". Thank you so much for posting! So many things are coming together for me now.
You might think, by my name, that I'm male, but I can better relate to the female presentation of autism than the male one. I have been told that with my mind, it cuts both ways. For example, when I was 12, I went to a birthday party for a man who was 50. Fortunately, I was able to get out of my parents' sight (the host and his wife liked to separate children and adults, and I didn't get on with their youngest son, who was 15 months older than me, and I sat with a woman old enough to be my mother and had a good conversation with her. Along came an older man, and he put his foot into it with the woman). So, I was intellectually older, but I can also have a childlike innocence when it comes to some things, and I've had people tell me some terrible lies. I have found that some autistic women can get on better with men but some autistic men or AMABs can get on better with women. I remember, when i was younger, my mother used to send me off with the males, but you might as well have been a Swedish person in Japan who didn't speak English and a Japanese person talked to you in English and you have to say, in Japanese, "No, I'm Swedish, I don't speak English." I remember once, we were at a free event and there was a display of American football, which didn't interest me in the slightest, but my mother sent me off with my father and brother, rather than letting me sit by myself or with her. I have always had difficulty relating to kids even when I was a kid.
Being autistic in a neuro-typical world is exhausting. Trying to cope with the complexities of working and all the unwritten rules is exhausting....My diagnosis was only a few years ago but all the hardships I've gone through suddenly made sense. I'm female, have never had a lot of friends and as a biker, spent most of my time with blokes where I can be blunt and be absorbed as a 'petrol head'. Not massively common among women in my experience! And like my English counterpart, I'm bored quickly with small talk....but, masking, I feel, isn't conscious...it's just getting through each day in a world that is over stimulating, where people don't say what they mean and trying to work out subliminal social nuisances..... But, we are also amazing with the right support and understanding. Our deep absorbtion and fascination in things that interest us is a joy!!! And Paul, your You Tube channel has helped me so much. Thank you 😊 Caz
We want you to know that we are fing 5 minutes away from losing it 24/7 because of the exhausting work that it is masking. Privately at home having constant melt downs on a daily basis and utterly exhaustion to the point of feeling like passing out tired. We are tired of being gaslit, and told our tics are fake and that we are "manic" or having "feminine mania". There's no mania, we just want to be ourselves.
Amen! My masking took such a heavy toll that I had a neurological collapse. Even at that point not one healthcare professional would help me. About seven years later our son was diagnosed with Aspergers, and I was self/family diagnosed at that time. Still no help for me, and that was about 10 years ago now. The saddest realization for me was knowing that there were only two people in the whole world who believed me and wanted to help me - my husband and our son. All the years of masking and playing the "social" game meant absolutely nothing. Not one "friend" stuck by me. The gaslighting from family and healthcare professionals was staggering, and at this point my family has no contact with me as they continue to believe that I'm just making everything up. Thankfully my husband has encouraged me to just be myself, quirks and all. Not sure how I got so blessed to have found him (39 years and still going!), but I'm sure glad I did.
Then there is that terrible moment when your mask drops for a second, and you make an awkward remark or do the wrong thing. And you just can't forgive yourself for being so stupid.
Yessss.... I cried at work once 5 years ago while under high stress and I still haven't forgiven myself for letting my mask slip like that in front of a few coworkers.
@@timhadaway9093 That's a good question, and I get this all the time from people: "But I feel this too, sometimes " . What you need to understand is the spectrum part of ASD. Is something like I mentioned a thing that happens to you sometimes, or is it structural, inhibiting you always in situations? I'd advise you to look up a video that goes into this topic.
I went to a school reunion and one of the women there had worked as a teacher and she said that she'd taught autistic kids, but many of them were cranky. I said to her that I would try to hold it together at school, but sometimes I couldn't, and when I arrived home, I'd lose it.
I already thought being social with ASD was tough enough. It's upsetting to see that my daughter has to deal with even more social pressures than I do. It is encouraging to see greater awareness and I greatly appreciate this channel because it continues to show the many faces of ASD and how we all find different ways to function within a world that is mostly blind to our challenges.
Hi, Paul! I just needed to come back to this particular recording to let you know that when I watched it about 3 weeks ago, it changed my “world”! I started watching it as someone that was just interested and supportive to the autistic community. (I have an adult son that was diagnosed at 17) I ended up realising that I had some things in common with every person sharing , in this recording. Still the penny did not drop for me, but my husband started watching , over my shoulder and encouraged me to do “the test” afterwards. The results lead to so many different and conflicting emotions AND denial… I tested very high! I was autistic!! Surely I would have known if I was masking!!? Then, there was Angie, that spoke about masking to herself! I realised that I am unclear when I journal and write everything in “code”… Cutting the story short: After several tests and retests… I am admitting to myself that I am on the spectrum! My husband is encouraging me to go for formal diagnosis. I’m still processing!! Denial had become regret that I did not discover ( admit to myself) all of this , years ago!! Paul THANK YOU for all the information, you share and for all the brave people that share their TRUTH with the world!!! You are all AWESOME and I am honoured to be one of you🥰 ( which will encourage me as I slowly start relaxing some of my masks 🎭) 😬💗
I'm trying to figure out how to not mask so much, but after doing it for 55 years, (since I was 4) I don't have a clue who I am so I need to work on that. This was comforting. I have severe social anxiety and agoraphobia now, and I need to work on that too.
Thank you for sharing this. My realisation came very late at 71 !. . It has answered so many questions for me. My two kids are autistic too. Being undiagnosed for them has been traumatic, devastating , life changing, still ongoing everyday of their lives. heart breaking for me as their mother. " IF ONLY " COMES UP A LOT FOR US.
Just diagnosed this week! I suspect I've been masking my whole life, but unsure of the extent of it. Two main questions are looming: Who was I? And who am I now? Pretty profound. Really appreciate these videos by a fellow Aussie and the plethora of topics available. It's wonderful to be able to access information like this in such a timely way. So thank you! 💛💛💛
Thanks for another great video!! I love ones that platform multiple high-masking autistic people, it's great to show others who don't believe I'm autistic. Proving it presents in such different ways for different people. Although I'm working on letting go of my need to convince people. I just want my needs/accomodations to be respected and not belittled. Gonna join an online autism support group soon so I can have more people in my life who accept and respect me. Unmasking is a bitch but it's been so worth it. Weeding out those that I don't need around ✨
Don’t you hate it when a friend or coworker says “what do do think of this?!” And you think they are asking your opinion or inviting you to brainstorm with them. Really, they are asking you to validate the choice they have already made, and get more and more angry with you as you make other suggestions. I am always dumbfounded when they seem upset with me. And when they tell me that they have already done the thing, I feel so set up, but end up feeling guilty.
Thank you all so much.. & Paul for your channel - I'm 53, diagnosed aged 48, adhd too, still learning esp as menopause seems to have unexpected effects, can't seem to get my act together any more, not that i ever really did, but i got by being rather a loner and "eccentric" but now manage to mask only briefly and not very well & it's not only exhausting but also more bewildering than I used to find it. Grateful to be in such lovely company even if only online at the moment.. be wonderful to meet some 'tribe' in person .. love to you all ~
This was very helpful. Thank you, all! I am not autistic, but I do suffer from major depressive disorder, and masking is something that I have done my entire life without really even understanding until fairly recently. It's part of what makes being neurotypical so exhausting. But it is a skill that I think neurotypical people should be proud of having.
Chronic disorders or atypical experiences are so intertwined with masking as a way to get along in life. I'm thinking of chronic depression and anxiety, ptsd, chronic fatigue, endometriosis, and all those limitations we feel we have to just ignore and be 'normal'.
Oh the irony... I'm a bit younger than you but basically in a similar situation; when I was young there was no knowledge about the fact that "high functioning" girls could be autistic; now I'm in the situation that the question comes up "what good is it now to know or even getting diagnosed?" I'm still trying to get my answers, I feel it's not too late yet; and I guess it never is. All the best wishes to you! :)
@@anniestumpy9918 I think there is an awful lot of good to come from knowing. You can start to adapt and change your behaviour, and take steps to protect yourself and to nourish and feed that inner side, become more conscious. It’s life changing - more so at an older age. At the same time it feels because it is all happening inside tout really and very few others are equipped to understand what us going on.
Expectations, expectations! Turns out two of my special interests are fashion and makeup, and still it isn't good enough for most of NT's around me. I've been told I come across as "too preoccupied for giving a certain image" (whatever that means), and apparently that's a sinonym of being fake; mix it with also being intelligent and blunt and you have the perfect formula for rejection and even losing jobs. A man can be very appreciated despite his unpolite manners, there are even these "endeering jerks" in media (characters like Sherlock, Dr House, Rick Sanchez...), but a woman... she could'nt possibly be one of them, she's just a cold b*tch. All my life I've felt I'm in danger if I show myself unmasked, and sometimes that fear has been very harshly confirmed. I'm almost 40, in the process of being diagosed, and finally learning to stop repressing who I am.
I'm self diagnosed and my doc for my ADD didn't even question it, but I feel I need an official diagnosis just in case. But the testing Psych says he needs to talk to my mom, who lives about 5 hours away. But nothing else makes sense to me, and some of these comments point out yet -more- things that point at it.
So some of these things are totally what I experience, like pretending to be interested in what other people expect, but I dont really consider it as autistic. A lot of these things seem to be more linked to "being different" in general - having different interests or being not conforming to what society expects - especially what is expected from women or girls. I feel like maybe those issues are more a secondary effect from being quirky or weird or an outsider generally and then for autistic women the reason for being an outsider or weird is autism while for others it may be something else but then the effect will in the end be the same - being weird and having to pretend to be "normal" if one desires to fit it.
Yes, I'm in the process of "who am I now" as well. Noticing what parts of me have been a mask and what are authentic may take some time to tease apart.
I always think about how even in my earliest years of childhood masking incredibly prevalent. I absolutely insisted on having long hair, wearing only dresses and skirts, only playing with dolls, choosing pink things… and my parents would ask me “why” I wanted these things. My reply was because “that’s what girls are supposed to do.” My parents, would argue “but you don’t have to like those things! What do YOU want?” I could never answer, because I didn’t know. I only knew what society expected from me, and I insisted on following it. Following societal norms with a certain rigidity has followed me my whole life, that I still sometimes don’t know if what I’m doing is because it’s what I want, or if it’s what society expects of me.
The thought occurred to me this week that masking may be a form of dissociation. I self-diagnosed at 46 and find it very difficult to unmask mostly for fear of rejection. I mean there's a reason we mask right? 🤣
The points all of the women made were really very good. When Shannon referenced humor it resonated with me. Humor is a big go to when things get to be abit much. The points everyone made in the end were very important to hear as I'd like to see those changes.
This is excellent, as I could be in this video. You look like my soul sisters, and thanks for hosting this panel. Indeed, women can't contain multitudes for them. Them isn't every neurotypical person, but many or sometimes most.
OUTSTANDING!!! This was so good! Thank you so much. Please do more! I wish I could watch hours and hours of this. I heard so much of myself in these women and I want to listen to them all day to better understand myself.
I'm tearing up - I wish I could give this a billion thumbs up. This has hit so many buttons it's hard to stand it. I hope I can make it through the long video without a different kind of meltdown into a limp puddle on the floor. {O.O}
Self diagnosed Autie from CT here. Loved the content, there were many interesting points! The interview style made it hard to watch though. I'd recommend sending the questions to your guests beforehand. I know my difficulty with memory recall can turn me into a deer in headlights often times, and being able to make notes beforehand is hugely helpful. Also more of a discussion style would be better. It would have been interesting to hear the other women's thoughts on points that the other women had made.
I am very afraid to find out that I can actually be autistic. But the more videos I watch the more I can resonate. I’m not sure why this underlying fear. I’m actually terrified
Don't be afraid. If you should find out, that you really are autistic you have been autistic your whole life. It might help you to find out more about the real you. And if you are not.... then you might still have some problems in life which need to be solved.
I totally resonate and agree with Angie!! I think masculinity is policed a lot more and men have smaller boxes of behavior and traits they're allowed to express according to society
I like, when the one lady with the glasses said, being blunt is not a very feminine trait the things I have come out of my mouth people wondered what the hell is wrong with me why am I being so rude to me is being logical and to me, it’s saying exactly how I feel what’s on my mind at that time unfortunately to everybody else is being rude and have dare I say what I said but I tell people like it is and on top of that when they get mad then I shut down I hate that physical trait of myself and I’m just now coming to learn that it is probably autism with the symptoms that I had from when I was very little when they were really not diagnosing it or they totally missed it till my age now at 47. I’m finally as soon as I go to the doctor. I’m going to get tested for it.
My therapist, an autism specialist, says that autism in women is very different than it is in men, which is why females have been underdxed. Males - as usual - have been the standard. But females, as an example, are usually more naturally social. So even if it's masking, we can socialize better than males, and appear more neurotypical. I worked in a public library for 34 years, and dealt with at minimum about 60 people/day. When I left work I'd think "I can breathe again". I was not dxed at that time. I felt the same when I left grade school and high school. I come from a largish family - 5 siblings, and then their spouses + kids/their spouses, and then my great nieces/nephews. I'm always exhausted! However, it's hard for me to see the difference between masking and manners. They seem to often be identical. For example, the woman who mentioned baby showers. I am not fond of them. But because I like or respect or am related to at least one of the parent's-to-be, I attend the shower. There are social expectations, obligations. Not all can be avoided. So, is my struggle to go part of autism or because I just don't want to go but am stuck because of manners?
Hi, I love you all for who you are. You should be your weird self and it is ok to be you. I love girly girls myself but also love having male friends particularly I think it would be fun to have a few gay male friends. However I love feminine women who love doing their hair and wearing makeup and move feminine things. And I love birthday parties and hens nights etc. And I always wanted a girly best friend who wore care bears onesies with me and loved the colour purple and loved to wear best friends necklaces and bracelets, wanted to read fun books or magazines in bed, loved to craft and draw like anime. And just moved girly and artistic things and liked buying each other cute gifts and wear matching outfits sometimes like I get one colour and she gets the other maybe a little bit different but anyway that is beyond the point. But anyways love you all, you are special ladies❤
I dont agree with the gender roles. I agree with general roles of conduct. People dont like it blunt, male or female. Wich I understand, the same info can be expresed in many ways. Agresive or non agresive.
It's also culture related. I suppose there are cultures where gender roles are more or less strict. For exaple in eastern European IT office men are more blunt and use curses, women curse less and are less blunt when talking to each other. Men sometimes apologise for cursing when a woman is present (unless she is one of cursing and blunt IT middle aged women). As a women in spectrum (late diagnosed) and also an author I spent much time observing my work environment like reality tv XD
I’d like to see a video about masking and non-binaries. Some I love dearly is ASD and non-binary, and I think their situation would have been two types of masking. I’d like to learn more about this
Being female simply means that you are a large gamete producer by design. Being feminine is different and is a set of outdated gender 'rules' of what a woman 'should be' according to sexist thinkers. There is a danger that autistic young women think they are male because they are 'not feminine enough' when we will always be VERY female as masculine females / non-feminine females and feminine males/ non masculine males exist.
And once again, I'm going to post this: Stop using the term "masking" to describe a vital skill that every person--neurotypical or autistic--must master in order to thrive in the social environment, namely, fitting in. If you think neurotypicals don't downplay their quirks and individuality smoothly as they transition from work to friends to family, you are much mistaken. If you think it doesn't take effort on their part and isn't tiring for them, you are much mistaken. Stop accusing autistic women of "masking" and "hiding" and "faking it" when they exercise the vital skill of "fitting in". For a humorous take on this skill, see Woody Allen's movie Zellig.
@@havethedayyouwishforothers your comment is more heat than light. Understanding one's neurology is an admirable goal. Assuming that autistic traits are necessarily pathological and must be "untrained" is dangerous as well as demeaning. My point is that autistic women have a STRENGTH that should not be demeaned or dismissed by labeling it "masking."
I see your point. simply trying to fit in and masking can look quite similar. and both are very difficult and tiresome to do, especially in certain cultures where fitting in is particularly valued, like Japan. But there's a huge difference: NT's who are trying to fit in have a natural instinct to assess the group and their values and behaviors. what makes them different has to do with their personal characteristics, like being withdrawn for example. They typically know what they would need to do to fit in, like be more confident/open, look more like them, be willing to make connections, find things in common, engage with the group) even if the action itself is stressful and difficult. they dont have to think about how to operate their bodies and minds when doing those things. they will typically be a natural version of themselves - the "clean" version everyone is when they are just just getting to know each other. This may include some white lies, a little more polite, etc. this is fitting in - being a version of yourself that is more like the group. but still you. Autistic masking however, is forcing yourself to operate your body and mind completely differently from how you normally would, not to be a part of the group, but to simply be approachable, even as a stranger, before saying hi. and we force ourselves to do this, to feel more comfortable around other people, around anyone. because we have no natural social instinct to even want to be part of the group, growing up. we just eventually realize there are benefits later on when it's too late. worrying about fitting in comes later on when we have an idea of what looks neutral on the outside to begin with.
I am 69 years old, have graduate degrees, and am a retired special education teacher - I was thrilled to watch Paul's videos and I love that he calls it masking. It is a mask! And the term fits perfectly. I am Aspie. Around 53 years old I learned what a divergent thinker was. I knew I was Aspie and a divergent thinker - However, unlike now, 20 years ago no one was discussing women on the Spectrum. Denise, Paul is not accusing women of anything. Why are you so angry? As time has gone by and I understand what my own masking has done to me, it is such a pleasure to feel the mask coming on and I recognize it now and tell it - NOPE - I don't want you.
I appreciate what you're saying in terms of de-stigmatizing and normalizing fitting in, but as an AuDHD woman (and one of the panelists), I do find value of a word or term to describe the extent to which I learned to deny my own experience and behave in a way that made others more comfortable at my own expense. It's definitely beyond what is healthy and has caused me a lot of harm over the course of my life. I see the same behavioral conditioning processes happening now with children in my life and it is painful to witness. Please listen to what we have to say before dismissing the only language we currently have to talk about it. If you have another term that you think fits our description of our experiences better, I'd love to learn more about it. Thanks for considering my request.
![[Raw & Uncut] Autistic Women Reveal the Truth About High Masking - FULL INTERVIEW](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/ZRZVkx9481Q/mqdefault.jpg)
“Making is Internal facing too… The ways that I had explained my differences to myself…” THIS.
I'm interested to learn more about this. I suspect this is true for me but I never put my finger on it.
Yes! I've been trying to self diagnose for 50 years. Nothing quite fit, but I was always looking for clues about how to fit in.
@@maryluhorkowitz6758 Same!
Masking is so automatic for me now. I can meet another person’s social comfort level almost without thought. It can be very satisfying, I have learned so much about the way other people think and predict a lot of their words and actions. This ability significantly reduces my exhaustion levels but I still need to retreat and rest on a regular basis.
I honestly don’t know who I am without a mask. I often feel that who I am is simply a person who can shift personality like a chameleon.
Hey, I wonder if you're enneagram type 3? They're good at being a social chameleon and tend to be very likeable as a result :)
I have no idea. The test completely stumped me. I’m a mass of contradictions. Almost ever pair of statements equally described. If one was weighted a little more heavily it was almost impossible to tell.
This is exactly how I feel. I’ve wondered for years if I’m on the spectrum.
I was just diagnosed! I had no idea how exhausting that masking for 50+ years had been. It was really taking its toll on me. I have felt so validated and free now!
I was diagnosed at 50 years old. It was one of the biggest reliefs of my life!
@@susanmann5286 I feel you sister! I will be 58 this weekend, and received my diagnosis just last week, what a wonderful gift it's been.
@@nataliesirota2611 happy birthday! i hope you have a lovely time
@@nataliesirota2611 Happy birthday from another 58 year old! I'm still waiting for my assessment - having watched a lot of videos and read a lot of books whilst I've been waiting I'm sure I'll be joining you!
I keep coming back to this video being an older female undiagnosed but diagnosed myself definitely I relate to everyone and I am so thankful for every one of you women up there
I love that she said she would like people to know she is not arrogant and not trying to intimidate someone. Boy, I have got that my whole life. My directness, is confused with arrogance and intimidation. I have never understood that. Its why people on meeting me, will take an instant dislike of me. I have to constantly check myself.
I think this is a big difference about being an autistic female. Being direct and knowledgeable is valued if you're male, but not if you're female. I've also had this problem, especially when I was growing up, and I couldn't figure out why people thought I was a "snob".
I believe women on the Autism Spectrum have more pressure on them in terms of socializing. It is extremely painful to socialize for over an hour. Even less when I can't stop hitting the wrong moments to speak and I get drowned out from getting my turn to speak. This is in any situation I'm in that I get ignored it feels like. I learned from my doctor that my mind is younger than my actual age. Very weird, not everyone understands it. But, some may see it in their lives. What I would like nuerotypical people to know about me as someone at age 25 on the spectrum is I can't completely get what your'e saying the first few times, such as directions even just a few. My mind is like a circuit board and I have loose wires connecting in the wrong place and too many in general. But, it's not simple to communicate when staring at me no matter how polite feels as if the sun is beating down at me. All I feel is uncertainty on what to do next it's socially awkward and freezing up. Like a deer in the headlights. Hopefully, parents of a nuerodivergent children learn from this is give us time, being patient relieves so much stress! And we are unique and different. With weaknesses and strengths that must have boundaries and respect. Thank you for those who are listening. Merry Christmas!
Oh my goodness! I have been thinking I might be on the spectrum and then I read your comment about your mind being younger than your age and I KNOW that's me! I'm 67 and I am always talking with younger people. When we voted recently my husband pulled into a spot marked "senior parking and entrance". I told him we couldn't park there! I forgot that we are seniors. Not dementia forgetting - I just don't think that way. I don't fit in and would never go to our senior center because they act like old people. I'm trying to figure this out and my husband said "there is a difference between acting young and acting juvenile". I think he's right. I'm just me. I don't try to dress like a 20 something - I dress comfortably and try to look chic because I don't know what's "correct" I look at YT for women my age who dress nicely to help me sort it out. I don't understand "old". Thank you so much for posting! So many things are coming together for me now.
It's exactly how you explained it. It's ON POINT EXACTLY HOW I FEEL!
You might think, by my name, that I'm male, but I can better relate to the female presentation of autism than the male one. I have been told that with my mind, it cuts both ways. For example, when I was 12, I went to a birthday party for a man who was 50. Fortunately, I was able to get out of my parents' sight (the host and his wife liked to separate children and adults, and I didn't get on with their youngest son, who was 15 months older than me, and I sat with a woman old enough to be my mother and had a good conversation with her. Along came an older man, and he put his foot into it with the woman). So, I was intellectually older, but I can also have a childlike innocence when it comes to some things, and I've had people tell me some terrible lies. I have found that some autistic women can get on better with men but some autistic men or AMABs can get on better with women. I remember, when i was younger, my mother used to send me off with the males, but you might as well have been a Swedish person in Japan who didn't speak English and a Japanese person talked to you in English and you have to say, in Japanese, "No, I'm Swedish, I don't speak English." I remember once, we were at a free event and there was a display of American football, which didn't interest me in the slightest, but my mother sent me off with my father and brother, rather than letting me sit by myself or with her. I have always had difficulty relating to kids even when I was a kid.
Excellent comment. I can socialize for hours if I drink, which is undoubtedly not the answer. I feel many of these things too. Merry Christmas.
I'm male but you just described me lol, I also masked my autism for 19 years, now I'm trying to unmask, it's hard but it's possible
Being autistic in a neuro-typical world is exhausting. Trying to cope with the complexities of working and all the unwritten rules is exhausting....My diagnosis was only a few years ago but all the hardships I've gone through suddenly made sense. I'm female, have never had a lot of friends and as a biker, spent most of my time with blokes where I can be blunt and be absorbed as a 'petrol head'. Not massively common among women in my experience! And like my English counterpart, I'm bored quickly with small talk....but, masking, I feel, isn't conscious...it's just getting through each day in a world that is over stimulating, where people don't say what they mean and trying to work out subliminal social nuisances.....
But, we are also amazing with the right support and understanding. Our deep absorbtion and fascination in things that interest us is a joy!!!
And Paul, your You Tube channel has helped me so much. Thank you 😊 Caz
Well said. Thank you so much!
We want you to know that we are fing 5 minutes away from losing it 24/7 because of the exhausting work that it is masking. Privately at home having constant melt downs on a daily basis and utterly exhaustion to the point of feeling like passing out tired. We are tired of being gaslit, and told our tics are fake and that we are "manic" or having "feminine mania". There's no mania, we just want to be ourselves.
Amen! My masking took such a heavy toll that I had a neurological collapse. Even at that point not one healthcare professional would help me. About seven years later our son was diagnosed with Aspergers, and I was self/family diagnosed at that time. Still no help for me, and that was about 10 years ago now. The saddest realization for me was knowing that there were only two people in the whole world who believed me and wanted to help me - my husband and our son. All the years of masking and playing the "social" game meant absolutely nothing. Not one "friend" stuck by me. The gaslighting from family and healthcare professionals was staggering, and at this point my family has no contact with me as they continue to believe that I'm just making everything up. Thankfully my husband has encouraged me to just be myself, quirks and all. Not sure how I got so blessed to have found him (39 years and still going!), but I'm sure glad I did.
NTs should really just f*** off
Thank you Paul. To the generous panelists, thank you; this is the first sisterhood I’ve ever seen myself in.
Then there is that terrible moment when your mask drops for a second, and you make an awkward remark or do the wrong thing. And you just can't forgive yourself for being so stupid.
Yessss.... I cried at work once 5 years ago while under high stress and I still haven't forgiven myself for letting my mask slip like that in front of a few coworkers.
this is so relatable!!
And then people drop their respect for you. Well, mental health professionals do in my experience. And gaslight and manipulate you.
@@timhadaway9093 That's a good question, and I get this all the time from people: "But I feel this too, sometimes " . What you need to understand is the spectrum part of ASD. Is something like I mentioned a thing that happens to you sometimes, or is it structural, inhibiting you always in situations? I'd advise you to look up a video that goes into this topic.
I’m gonna need to ask you to quit stalking me. 😂 This is exactly how it is in my life. 😅
"My house is burning down but I can let you know that I'm ok".... you said everything !
It's just exhausting. I can never relax until I'm totally, completely alone.
That is so recognizable. When I am alone, I can forget about myself, and just be.
I went to a school reunion and one of the women there had worked as a teacher and she said that she'd taught autistic kids, but many of them were cranky. I said to her that I would try to hold it together at school, but sometimes I couldn't, and when I arrived home, I'd lose it.
I already thought being social with ASD was tough enough. It's upsetting to see that my daughter has to deal with even more social pressures than I do. It is encouraging to see greater awareness and I greatly appreciate this channel because it continues to show the many faces of ASD and how we all find different ways to function within a world that is mostly blind to our challenges.
Thank you so much Paul, and to all the women who spoke! ❤❤
Hi, Paul! I just needed to come back to this particular recording to let you know that when I watched it about 3 weeks ago, it changed my “world”! I started watching it as someone that was just interested and supportive to the autistic community. (I have an adult son that was diagnosed at 17)
I ended up realising that I had some things in common with every person sharing , in this recording. Still the penny did not drop for me, but my husband started watching , over my shoulder and encouraged me to do “the test” afterwards. The results lead to so many different and conflicting emotions AND denial… I tested very high! I was autistic!! Surely I would have known if I was masking!!? Then, there was Angie, that spoke about masking to herself! I realised that I am unclear when I journal and write everything in “code”… Cutting the story short: After several tests and retests… I am admitting to myself that I am on the spectrum! My husband is encouraging me to go for formal diagnosis. I’m still processing!! Denial had become regret that I did not discover ( admit to myself) all of this , years ago!! Paul THANK YOU for all the information, you share and for all the brave people that share their TRUTH with the world!!! You are all AWESOME and I am honoured to be one of you🥰 ( which will encourage me as I slowly start relaxing some of my masks 🎭) 😬💗
I'm trying to figure out how to not mask so much, but after doing it for 55 years, (since I was 4) I don't have a clue who I am so I need to work on that. This was comforting. I have severe social anxiety and agoraphobia now, and I need to work on that too.
Thank you for sharing this. My realisation came very late at 71 !. . It has answered so many questions for me. My two kids are autistic too. Being undiagnosed for them has been traumatic, devastating , life changing, still ongoing everyday of their lives. heart breaking for me as their mother. " IF ONLY "
COMES UP A LOT FOR US.
Just diagnosed this week! I suspect I've been masking my whole life, but unsure of the extent of it. Two main questions are looming: Who was I? And who am I now? Pretty profound. Really appreciate these videos by a fellow Aussie and the plethora of topics available. It's wonderful to be able to access information like this in such a timely way. So thank you! 💛💛💛
I get a lot out of your videos thanks Paul. They are very well researched and insightful. Wishing you an enjoyable Christmas and 2023. Take care.
Thanks for another great video!! I love ones that platform multiple high-masking autistic people, it's great to show others who don't believe I'm autistic. Proving it presents in such different ways for different people. Although I'm working on letting go of my need to convince people. I just want my needs/accomodations to be respected and not belittled. Gonna join an online autism support group soon so I can have more people in my life who accept and respect me. Unmasking is a bitch but it's been so worth it. Weeding out those that I don't need around ✨
Don’t you hate it when a friend or coworker says “what do do think of this?!” And you think they are asking your opinion or inviting you to brainstorm with them. Really, they are asking you to validate the choice they have already made, and get more and more angry with you as you make other suggestions. I am always dumbfounded when they seem upset with me. And when they tell me that they have already done the thing, I feel so set up, but end up feeling guilty.
Thank you all so much.. & Paul for your channel - I'm 53, diagnosed aged 48, adhd too, still learning esp as menopause seems to have unexpected effects, can't seem to get my act together any more, not that i ever really did, but i got by being rather a loner and "eccentric" but now manage to mask only briefly and not very well & it's not only exhausting but also more bewildering than I used to find it. Grateful to be in such lovely company even if only online at the moment.. be wonderful to meet some 'tribe' in person .. love to you all ~
I'd like to learn more about the interaction between neurodiversity and menopause. Thanks for bringing that out.
I wish this had been longer. Thanks for organizing it!
I believe there is a longer, uncut version..
This was very helpful. Thank you, all! I am not autistic, but I do suffer from major depressive disorder, and masking is something that I have done my entire life without really even understanding until fairly recently. It's part of what makes being neurotypical so exhausting. But it is a skill that I think neurotypical people should be proud of having.
I wish we lived in a world where it is safe to express who you are openly. Not going to happen any time soon.
Chronic disorders or atypical experiences are so intertwined with masking as a way to get along in life. I'm thinking of chronic depression and anxiety, ptsd, chronic fatigue, endometriosis, and all those limitations we feel we have to just ignore and be 'normal'.
Thank you so much for this content, Paul. As a high masking self-diagnosed woman, this is incredibly helpful for me and helps me feel I'm not alone.
When I was a child there was no such thing as autistic, then it was only in children. Here I am at 65 and still told I am too old to be autistic
Oh the irony... I'm a bit younger than you but basically in a similar situation; when I was young there was no knowledge about the fact that "high functioning" girls could be autistic; now I'm in the situation that the question comes up "what good is it now to know or even getting diagnosed?" I'm still trying to get my answers, I feel it's not too late yet; and I guess it never is.
All the best wishes to you! :)
@@anniestumpy9918 I think there is an awful lot of good to come from knowing. You can start to adapt and change your behaviour, and take steps to protect yourself and to nourish and feed that inner side, become more conscious. It’s life changing - more so at an older age. At the same time it feels because it is all happening inside tout really and very few others are equipped to understand what us going on.
Expectations, expectations! Turns out two of my special interests are fashion and makeup, and still it isn't good enough for most of NT's around me. I've been told I come across as "too preoccupied for giving a certain image" (whatever that means), and apparently that's a sinonym of being fake; mix it with also being intelligent and blunt and you have the perfect formula for rejection and even losing jobs.
A man can be very appreciated despite his unpolite manners, there are even these "endeering jerks" in media (characters like Sherlock, Dr House, Rick Sanchez...), but a woman... she could'nt possibly be one of them, she's just a cold b*tch. All my life I've felt I'm in danger if I show myself unmasked, and sometimes that fear has been very harshly confirmed. I'm almost 40, in the process of being diagosed, and finally learning to stop repressing who I am.
Same here, and I love shopping. I just would prefer to not have to talk to anyone whilst doing it.
Such a relief to hear these accounts. Thanks, all of you!
I'm self diagnosed and my doc for my ADD didn't even question it, but I feel I need an official diagnosis just in case. But the testing Psych says he needs to talk to my mom, who lives about 5 hours away. But nothing else makes sense to me, and some of these comments point out yet -more- things that point at it.
Thank you so very much all of you !
So some of these things are totally what I experience, like pretending to be interested in what other people expect, but I dont really consider it as autistic. A lot of these things seem to be more linked to "being different" in general - having different interests or being not conforming to what society expects - especially what is expected from women or girls. I feel like maybe those issues are more a secondary effect from being quirky or weird or an outsider generally and then for autistic women the reason for being an outsider or weird is autism while for others it may be something else but then the effect will in the end be the same - being weird and having to pretend to be "normal" if one desires to fit it.
Yes, I'm in the process of "who am I now" as well. Noticing what parts of me have been a mask and what are authentic may take some time to tease apart.
I always think about how even in my earliest years of childhood masking incredibly prevalent. I absolutely insisted on having long hair, wearing only dresses and skirts, only playing with dolls, choosing pink things… and my parents would ask me “why” I wanted these things. My reply was because “that’s what girls are supposed to do.” My parents, would argue “but you don’t have to like those things! What do YOU want?” I could never answer, because I didn’t know. I only knew what society expected from me, and I insisted on following it. Following societal norms with a certain rigidity has followed me my whole life, that I still sometimes don’t know if what I’m doing is because it’s what I want, or if it’s what society expects of me.
The thought occurred to me this week that masking may be a form of dissociation. I self-diagnosed at 46 and find it very difficult to unmask mostly for fear of rejection. I mean there's a reason we mask right? 🤣
The points all of the women made were really very good. When Shannon referenced humor it resonated with me. Humor is a big go to when things get to be abit much. The points everyone made in the end were very important to hear as I'd like to see those changes.
This is excellent, as I could be in this video. You look like my soul sisters, and thanks for hosting this panel. Indeed, women can't contain multitudes for them. Them isn't every neurotypical person, but many or sometimes most.
OUTSTANDING!!! This was so good! Thank you so much. Please do more! I wish I could watch hours and hours of this. I heard so much of myself in these women and I want to listen to them all day to better understand myself.
I'm tearing up - I wish I could give this a billion thumbs up. This has hit so many buttons it's hard to stand it. I hope I can make it through the long video without a different kind of meltdown into a limp puddle on the floor.
{O.O}
Self diagnosed Autie from CT here. Loved the content, there were many interesting points! The interview style made it hard to watch though. I'd recommend sending the questions to your guests beforehand. I know my difficulty with memory recall can turn me into a deer in headlights often times, and being able to make notes beforehand is hugely helpful. Also more of a discussion style would be better. It would have been interesting to hear the other women's thoughts on points that the other women had made.
I believe there is a longer, uncut version..
Thanks Paul, I really needed this today.
I am very afraid to find out that I can actually be autistic. But the more videos I watch the more I can resonate. I’m not sure why this underlying fear. I’m actually terrified
Don't be afraid. If you should find out, that you really are autistic you have been autistic your whole life. It might help you to find out more about the real you. And if you are not.... then you might still have some problems in life which need to be solved.
I totally resonate and agree with Angie!! I think masculinity is policed a lot more and men have smaller boxes of behavior and traits they're allowed to express according to society
Beyond chuffed for this topic!
I like, when the one lady with the glasses said, being blunt is not a very feminine trait the things I have come out of my mouth people wondered what the hell is wrong with me why am I being so rude to me is being logical and to me, it’s saying exactly how I feel what’s on my mind at that time unfortunately to everybody else is being rude and have dare I say what I said but I tell people like it is and on top of that when they get mad then I shut down I hate that physical trait of myself and I’m just now coming to learn that it is probably autism with the symptoms that I had from when I was very little when they were really not diagnosing it or they totally missed it till my age now at 47. I’m finally as soon as I go to the doctor. I’m going to get tested for it.
I can't wait to watch this, thank you :)
I'll be listening more than watching.🎶
Thank-you so much for this.
Thank you, Paul.
🙃 is a fav emoji for me as well
My therapist, an autism specialist, says that autism in women is very different than it is in men, which is why females have been underdxed. Males - as usual - have been the standard. But females, as an example, are usually more naturally social. So even if it's masking, we can socialize better than males, and appear more neurotypical. I worked in a public library for 34 years, and dealt with at minimum about 60 people/day. When I left work I'd think "I can breathe again". I was not dxed at that time. I felt the same when I left grade school and high school. I come from a largish family - 5 siblings, and then their spouses + kids/their spouses, and then my great nieces/nephews. I'm always exhausted! However, it's hard for me to see the difference between masking and manners. They seem to often be identical. For example, the woman who mentioned baby showers. I am not fond of them. But because I like or respect or am related to at least one of the parent's-to-be, I attend the shower. There are social expectations, obligations. Not all can be avoided. So, is my struggle to go part of autism or because I just don't want to go but am stuck because of manners?
Hi,
I love you all for who you are. You should be your weird self and it is ok to be you.
I love girly girls myself but also love having male friends particularly I think it would be fun to have a few gay male friends. However I love feminine women who love doing their hair and wearing makeup and move feminine things.
And I love birthday parties and hens nights etc. And I always wanted a girly best friend who wore care bears onesies with me and loved the colour purple and loved to wear best friends necklaces and bracelets, wanted to read fun books or magazines in bed, loved to craft and draw like anime. And just moved girly and artistic things and liked buying each other cute gifts and wear matching outfits sometimes like I get one colour and she gets the other maybe a little bit different but anyway that is beyond the point.
But anyways love you all, you are special ladies❤
I'm really looking forward to this one.
Any Enneagrammers watching this? I'm curious about low social vs autistic. Are they necessarily the same thing?
Felt this thank you ❤
I totally connected with Shannan
Thank you for your kind comment!
Please more content about woman! Thank youuuu
Amazing thank you ❤
I dont agree with the gender roles. I agree with general roles of conduct. People dont like it blunt, male or female.
Wich I understand, the same info can be expresed in many ways. Agresive or non agresive.
It's also culture related. I suppose there are cultures where gender roles are more or less strict.
For exaple in eastern European IT office men are more blunt and use curses, women curse less and are less blunt when talking to each other. Men sometimes apologise for cursing when a woman is present (unless she is one of cursing and blunt IT middle aged women).
As a women in spectrum (late diagnosed) and also an author I spent much time observing my work environment like reality tv XD
very nice
I’d like to see a video about masking and non-binaries. Some I love dearly is ASD and non-binary, and I think their situation would have been two types of masking. I’d like to learn more about this
💟
Being female simply means that you are a large gamete producer by design. Being feminine is different and is a set of outdated gender 'rules' of what a woman 'should be' according to sexist thinkers. There is a danger that autistic young women think they are male because they are 'not feminine enough' when we will always be VERY female as masculine females / non-feminine females and feminine males/ non masculine males exist.
The Secret of all mystical secrets is said to be hidden in plain sight
Funny that
My thought exactly, so much more here than is apparent.
Angie is beautiful she must of had a tough life as she will get a lot of attention
masking and not knowing you are masking is exhausting and so futile. It's a race not to be shamed for being behind while working twice as hard.
And once again, I'm going to post this: Stop using the term "masking" to describe a vital skill that every person--neurotypical or autistic--must master in order to thrive in the social environment, namely, fitting in. If you think neurotypicals don't downplay their quirks and individuality smoothly as they transition from work to friends to family, you are much mistaken. If you think it doesn't take effort on their part and isn't tiring for them, you are much mistaken. Stop accusing autistic women of "masking" and "hiding" and "faking it" when they exercise the vital skill of "fitting in". For a humorous take on this skill, see Woody Allen's movie Zellig.
@@havethedayyouwishforothers your comment is more heat than light. Understanding one's neurology is an admirable goal. Assuming that autistic traits are necessarily pathological and must be "untrained" is dangerous as well as demeaning. My point is that autistic women have a STRENGTH that should not be demeaned or dismissed by labeling it "masking."
Great video: We Are Proud Autistic Women th-cam.com/video/P76_KGy4dXY/w-d-xo.html
I see your point. simply trying to fit in and masking can look quite similar. and both are very difficult and tiresome to do, especially in certain cultures where fitting in is particularly valued, like Japan. But there's a huge difference: NT's who are trying to fit in have a natural instinct to assess the group and their values and behaviors. what makes them different has to do with their personal characteristics, like being withdrawn for example. They typically know what they would need to do to fit in, like be more confident/open, look more like them, be willing to make connections, find things in common, engage with the group) even if the action itself is stressful and difficult. they dont have to think about how to operate their bodies and minds when doing those things. they will typically be a natural version of themselves - the "clean" version everyone is when they are just just getting to know each other. This may include some white lies, a little more polite, etc. this is fitting in - being a version of yourself that is more like the group. but still you.
Autistic masking however, is forcing yourself to operate your body and mind completely differently from how you normally would, not to be a part of the group, but to simply be approachable, even as a stranger, before saying hi. and we force ourselves to do this, to feel more comfortable around other people, around anyone. because we have no natural social instinct to even want to be part of the group, growing up. we just eventually realize there are benefits later on when it's too late. worrying about fitting in comes later on when we have an idea of what looks neutral on the outside to begin with.
I am 69 years old, have graduate degrees, and am a retired special education teacher - I was thrilled to watch Paul's videos and I love that he calls it masking. It is a mask! And the term fits perfectly. I am Aspie. Around 53 years old I learned what a divergent thinker was. I knew I was Aspie and a divergent thinker - However, unlike now, 20 years ago no one was discussing women on the Spectrum. Denise, Paul is not accusing women of anything. Why are you so angry?
As time has gone by and I understand what my own masking has done to me, it is such a pleasure to feel the mask coming on and I recognize it now and tell it - NOPE - I don't want you.
I appreciate what you're saying in terms of de-stigmatizing and normalizing fitting in, but as an AuDHD woman (and one of the panelists), I do find value of a word or term to describe the extent to which I learned to deny my own experience and behave in a way that made others more comfortable at my own expense. It's definitely beyond what is healthy and has caused me a lot of harm over the course of my life. I see the same behavioral conditioning processes happening now with children in my life and it is painful to witness. Please listen to what we have to say before dismissing the only language we currently have to talk about it. If you have another term that you think fits our description of our experiences better, I'd love to learn more about it. Thanks for considering my request.
not really a related topic for me I don't identify myself with the woke ideology