For people who really dont realise they relate through enmeshment, the receiving of boundaries from others can often feel like rejection and unnecessary social exclusion or even malicious intent on the behalf of the person inserting the boundary.
True!! I'd freak out if my partner wanted time and space..saw is as abandonment and rejection. I sabotaged all my relationships..so been single now for over 5 years. Till I learn I can't afford to be in another one.
This really hit home. I was wondering for some time now why I, as a 22-year-old woman from a non-abusive family, who had a joyous childhood, still struggle so much with self esteem and independency. I haven't been abused and my family gave me lots of love. So why then? Then you said "bouncing up ideas to feel secure and validated" and "one family member's mood affects the whole family" and "oversharing". Now I understand what went wrong. I come from a family with too much love. I remember sharing every single thing with my mom and family, and the whole table listened to my school problems and I felt heard and could overcome it with them by consulting them. Also, my mom's mood is the mood of the family. If she has energy, the whole family has it. If not, no one has. So I probably learned to be emotionally depended on others from a very early age. In my relationships, I often put aside my self to focus on others, if they have a bad day etc. I am a sucker for that. But I also vent to them a lot. Emotional dumping, you would say. And I like to talk everything out. From small to big desicions. Also, I have noticed, as the relationship progresses, I become emotionally dependent on the other person. Like, really dependent. And I can start to make up stuff that is not real. Like, oh, they must hate me now if they don't write to me. So thank you. I really felt this video. I feel seen. And I have a lot to think about now. And I should not talk about it with my mom, I now have learned :) We do not need to talk about eeeeeverything together.
Sorry but you are fooling yourself. There is no such thing as "too much love". Enmeshment is not love, it is a pathological result of a traumatized parent. When your parent "loves you too much", that serves the parent, and is self-motivated. I cut contact with my mother because I asked her about several things to stop doing them, yet she kept doing that. How is that love? When the other tells you it HURTS, and you keep doing that? No such thing as too much love, enmeshment is an unhealthy thing.
I feel responsible always for other peoples emotions and experiences. Guilt is huge for me. Checking in and telling people what I’m going to do, even small things like, I’m going to the grocery store. I believed that was courteous but now I see it’s enmeshment. I had absolutely no boundaries and I become resentful I couldn’t place them also I didn’t know I didn’t have them. Yes all of my romantic relationships have been addictive.
Ang it has been a challenge for me because space felt like rejection. That feeling of rejection fueled my clingy behavior not realizing I need space to process too. I’ve had to really work on this.
My ex boyfriends family was completely emeshed and it was generational. I always noticed they had to spend every extra moment together and it was overwhelming to me as I was not raised that way. It literally felt toxic and I dreaded being around because the dynamic they had was so normal to them that I was deemed the dramatic and crazy one. It’s sad , but once I found a name for this odd behavior of theirs that I was able to make a decision about it. I chose me…
It’s incredible how some of the signs may appear and be considered totally and completely “normal”. Bouncing decisions off of others to find out how they feel about them so you can feel validated. So much truth in here. Thank you 🙏🏻
This is so good. I've found that as I've learned about where my boundaries have been violated, I can struggle to maintain a balance of what's an appropriate boundary for myself. I can become rigid or when someone gets upset by my boundary, I can lack empathy and be cold or question if I was too rigid, when it was, in fact, appropriate, but the other person just struggles with accepting it. This is hard stuff. Worth it, but so hard
Thank God for TH-cam. A year and a half ago I came across some videos on this topic, as I typed in "emotional abuse" . This has saved and changed my life. I never knew a thing about enmeshment and boundaries. Thank you for your work.
This is so assuring! I have a physical disability and my husband is my full-time caregiver. I'm working on making sure to have "me time" outside of work and it has helped tremendously in not feeling as affected if he's having a bad day. I've also felt like I'm obligated to be there emotionally in all relationships since I can't contribute physically, often to my own detriment. Boundaries, as hard as it is to say "no", are essential and my ability to be there for loved ones has become more meaningful because I'm not stretched so thin. Your videos are so helpful. Thank you.
Very helpful for me! I feel like this is something related to Trauma- Bonding, bc I found myself in this, too. Deep down the huge fear of getting abandoned...
I am an emotional sponge with nearly every schema mode. And it doesn't take me long to react. So much defective thoughts and critical thought's. Everything you share is helping . Thankyou
I found I decided to stop trying to control others and that helped a lot. I didn’t realize my actions were controlling until I started paying attention to my behaviors and words.
while most people would never admit their setbacks (as you mentiond how you didn't even know what emotions you were feeling at one point), i love how you keep it REAL, you are a human too, and because you have been in the same place as the rest of us, it gives confidence that you know what you are talking about because clearly, you have done some work so you've been there, done that. thanks for keeping it real. i admire you!
How do you continue to have a relationship with enmeshed parents without playing into your child hood "role" how do you even maintain contact when there constantly disrepecting you with put downs?
@@martaplanker2930 I did that. I even made my phone number secret so they couldn't call me. Eventually they turned around and started trying to be nice to me.
I hear you so much girl. But i think cutting them off wont reap true results. I believe that their behaviour is showing us something that is needed to be healed within ourselves. If it was not within us, we wouldnt have attracted such behaviours. So without judging or labelling ourselves, we must start the inner work first. The power of now book could help on understanding better.
You have to establish healthy boundaries. For me, I gave my parents one whole day per month. That day was theirs. I drove them around, took them out to breakfast, etc. My mother was never happy about this. I would take her home and she would say "Thank you. But next time..." I got to where instead of guilt or anger, I would just laugh about it. You don't have to cut yourself off completely. But you do have to decide what is healthy for you and what you can handle. It doesn't mean that I was always happy about it. But I made peace with it. Others in my families are the what this video describes. I have to deal with them too. That actually has been more difficult as my parents aged.
I can answer my own question now you place distance without constant infusion or seperation. You heal your inner child stop expecting so much. Take control over your reactions by responding with what you will and will not tolerate and most importantly learn the skill of forgiveness. No one is perfect. Forgive your parents and then realize there was never anything to forgive. People make decisions based off what makes since to them.
Clearly explained. Many people struggle with this but don't have the language to describe it's intensity. I always thought it was ' being close'. It's really the opposite and is destructive. Like many different colour paints blended into each other....
What an incredible video!! Thank you doctor! This covers many of the reasons why my recent relationship of 10 mos with a Fearful Avoidant/Covert Narcissist failed! It goes much deeper than this video, but ENMESHMENT with Codependency and LACK OF TK NO BOUNDARIES, killed our relationship. I totally take responsibility for my part and lack of healing and understanding. Hindsight is 20/20!!
Dude, this described me so much… this is the way I learned to process emotions. Just super open with my relationships and under confident in my own decisions. I’m still learning how to be my own person and find confidence within myself but have a long way to go. Thank you for this video!
Thank you for another amazing (and timely) video!! “I versus We” mentality is such a powerful paradigm shift! For me, this ripples out into shifting locus of control and realizing that I am not responsible for anyone’s emotions except my own. 🙌🏼 Boundary work is so hard, especially with parents,.. still default sometimes into retreat and avoidance rather than address guilt re: family obligation and address issues with others who aren’t ready to receive message. I can only control me. So work in progress always. Consistency and practice and baby steps. Thank you for sharing (and modeling) healing and showing it is possible at any age, ego work stage, or life circumstance. Much love and gratitude to you! ❤️🙏🏼
As a man that prioritizes my holistic health and evolution, I find your content so enriching and on point! I've been married for 16 years and have ridden the roller coaster for a very long time. Thank you for your knowledge, wisdom, and transparency. God bless!
this describes my maternal side of my extended family. No boundaries no privacy. My mother and uncle call all of everyone's shots and their other siblings bid their controls.
All my childhood and adolescence was about paying the closest attention to my parents', first of all my father's mood. Couldn't have a second without all my energy spent on watching out where the danger might come. He got angry, we got in trouble. He was all the time stressed out by his job with no respect or interest about anyone else's feelings or life. He literally beat the stress down on his closest family. I felt humiliated, lost, desperate with no hope of change, trying to hide all my feelings and act like it was normal, to survive. Until today, close to 40 I've struggled with relationships where I felt invisible, unable to tell my needs in a horrible fear of being left even if I ask for something really small or make an observation about what I like or don't like (something different than my partner's preference). I feel small and afraid inside and can't imagine being on a relationship with someone who could care about my needs.
That sounds exhausting. I hope you are finding your own spaces and looking after yourself. I know what its like growinh up with a controlling father. Mine was just passive aggressive but that can be oppressive
I can sure relate except it was my narcissist mother. She would dominate and control everything and everybody. I always lived in fear so it's no wonder that I have CPTSD depression and anxiety and at 57 after a traumatic loss of my only son to suicide I had a major breakdown...i heard from my son's friend that she was yellung at my son and calling him stupid and good for nothing (like she did to me all my life but especially in my teen years. I could never do anything to please her or make her accept me.) And told him in anger and resentment because she was having to drive him to urine testing after he lost his license to DUI that if he's such a loser he should just kill himself if he can't make it. But of course she vehemently denied it.when I brought it up and she blamed me for his death saying if I hadn't moved away he might still be here. He was 24. I just have so many horror stories but was always afraid to tell anyone because she gaslighted me and flying monkeys saying who would ever believe me and that I'm the problem and was the scapegoat for all problems. Oh and that we don't air our dirty laundry to anyone. And that no one cares about me or my problems and that I'm just shitting on my self and the family and I should be ashamed of myself for even thinking of telling anyone what goes on on in our family. No one could ever come over or ever have a sleepover at our house like other girls had. I couldn't go to sleepover parties either. First time I saw how my best friends parents were to her I was shocked! They actually talked and laughed and shared candidly openly and honestly and the parents listened and talked respectfully to her. Not demeaning and condescending. I remember one time in college I came home for mother's day thinking she'd be glad I thought of her and brought her a card and was excited to give her a gift and she belittled me and dehumanized me. I cannot even think of words to describe the horror I felt so small. I drove back to campus in tears and so distraught that I took a whole bottle and a half of my tricyclic antidepressants( serious rx) and tried to kill myself. When they came up after doctors called them she yelled at me saying what am I doing to her and I should be ashamed of myself and what are people gonna think and im an embarrassment.. I freaked and screamed..het her out of here doctors & nurses came running as I was bawling my eyes out. They were so controlling that they would not let me stay and get psychiatric help and signed me out against medical protocol. She started saying but we love you and care about you so much we don't understand why this is happening. In the car she yelled at me the whole way Sorry to ramble but your comment triggers flood of memories. A day in the life. As they say. My brother was the golden child and 10 years younger than me. I was basically his caretaker along with my grandma who lived with us..thats a whole other chapter. They wouldn't let me play sports even if the volleyball coach asked me to tryout because I had a killer serve..or music or art or tennis or any hobbies. The question always was do you have to do this? Is it necessary for school and your benefit and education? I stood up for my brother though as soon as I got my license I would take him to soccer abd signed him up behind their back. My brother says I need to write my stories...its so painful though and again I think of her and how can I do that and expose it? What woukd she think what would people think? She'd say I'm lying that it never happened. So am I crazy? A liar? Why would I make this horror up? I just found Dr Nicole a couple of months ago. So blessed for this. I. Read John Bradshaw years ago about embracing and parenting the inner child but never did the work really was afraid..and now after the loss of my son because of this horrible disease and dysfunction...my film broke so to speak. I have a daughter and when I caught myself repeating that cycle it really hurt and made me realize im still on autopilot. Scared me because I do love her and I was never gonna be like my mom..but here I was blindly being just like her! Tragedy. I have to break this cycle!! I must! Well dear I just wanted to share that you are not alone and we can overcome this trauma and abuse and maybe make a difference in someone else's lives. (My daughter's and maybe granddaughters..but she lives 10 hours away so I hardly get to see her. She is my son's little girl😥💔😭
I came here because I thought another family was dealing with an enmeshed relationship and turns out I am as well lol I was like ... well dang. Thank you for your enlightenment. This reminds me of the over functioning and under functioning relationship as well.
Thank you so so much you incredible human being, I am beyond grateful for you and your work, thank you for giving back so much to help others, I am so grateful, i wish you and your partner, as well as everyone watching this, reading this comment, or working through their own personal obstacles much love and hope to all 💗💗💗💗💗💗💗 we got this!
*sigh* I so wish I had found your videos 30 years ago! (Although you probably weren't even alive then!) They are so incredibly poignant, not only to my current relationship, but to ALL of my previous ones. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
To everyone dealing with this issue hang in there,including myself.While it is difficult to find the lessons in enmeshment they are there and just the fact that you are aware that you are in an unhealthy relationship is a big step!
4:09 • "Do you know about your own emotional needs are? Do you know how to go about meeting them? Sounds so simple, Again, I did not know how. I did not know what my emotions were? I did not know how to give them words. I did not even know how to start to meet my own emotional needs." I did not have the awareness I was numb, until thanks to Cannabis, i was able to start feeling again and integrating myself and my experiences. I was able to process my trauma and begin to pick myself up.
This is such significant insight. Usually when my mom is frustrated about money, she's gonna start ranting about how much she has to take care of us and how much the expenses are. It makes me feel like really just flying out of the house (which is really in my plans because im a single mum with kids). It's difficult to be independent emotionally when there's someone kind of holding u responsible for their stress.
This really explains why as the scapegoat once you escape the toxic parent and try to tell the other parent or sibling later they can’t understand wants going on because their emotions gravitate only to the toxic parent and they can’t empathize with you just like the toxic parent can’t. Their emotions are enmeshed with the toxic parent only. They don’t gaslight you but they stonewall you because their emotional intelligence is too low and they are the first to enable the toxic parent behavior and will try to make you come back to the family because you need to be loyal and forget about your own feelings, broken boundaries, and immoral actions acted upon towards you because one day “things will get better”. It is like how people who are abused act in abusing relationships. They stay with the abuser because of loyalty and they care about the abusers needs more than their own which is not love at all. It’s borderline idolatry. Then they give excuses for the partners behavior, are codependent of the abuser, and they think that they are supposed to stay with them because one day they will change, one day they will marry them, one day they will apologize.....I see now why my fathers enabling behavior of my mother toxic behavior caused me to grow up and be in relationships that were just as toxic thinking one day they will stop hurting me... they day never came and Jesus pulled me out and saved me.
Wow!!! You well said so clear and precise! I couldn't put my finger on the term...loyalty.. Family ties. I could have written this mysef but you said it perfectly! Thank you. My mom is a narc too and my dad enables her..well he doesn't do anything to shut her down and stop the abuse.
Ahh this is so helpful Thankyou so much!! You’ve helped me realise I’m in emotional trigger responses and projecting my pain out to the people I love in time I have been so unconscious of it. 😭😭 So painful but so needed 🙏🙏
*Thank you for doing what you do! Would you ever share a day-in-the-life vlog ? I'd just love to see something like that, but of course I understand if you prefer to keep that private.*
what about a day in the life revisting the past and then analyze and relate healing work and terminology and bring it back to center and what could be done in a particular situation to emulate a functional and healthy response and secure attachment style? ( Btw I have the other 3 attachments except that healthy one! So many failed relationships so much turmoil and loss and grief! Could be really effective teachable moments? !
I just discovered you! I’ve listened to about 7 videos in a row. These are awesome! Short and concise with tons of value. Thanks for sharing! I like your dress in this one too.
Thank you Dr. Nicole. I have related to all characteristics that you have listed. Thank you for sharing the wisdom that you do. It has been the most revelatory and helpful kind of knowledge for me.
Hi dr nicole. Ive been on a journey of self-healing and also started to date someone through an online relationship. He seems to be truly consistent and is very communicative, even as i try to find loopholes he seems to prove me wrong and that he is a stable individual. I find that during the times he is absent i get very anxious and like i did something wrong. It scares me that men need emotional space. This is something that brought me to tears because it was huge. I find that this is a natural thing in men and to me it affected me in huge ways. I really needed to face this. 😢😔❤️
Wow, I had to come back to this video because I totally forgot. Practice practice practice. I truly think it comes from the fear of being abandoned! I find this ebbs and flows throughout relationships, sometimes, I'm over caring, sometimes I remember to give space, we all need it for hobbies and other things.
the wisdom. this journey to not managing others' emotion has been incredibly empowering and incredibly vulnerable and guilt-provoking all in one. welcome to humanity...!
Wow! Thank you for this. I am guilty as charged. However, I have been working on boundaries and trying to meet my own emotional needs but its not easy. But I am determined to keep at it. I have been writing a gratitude journal for about 5 years now.
When you feel responsible for everyone else's reactions/emotions - 'over responsibility'? This is emeshment? Could it be one result of being an abuse survivor? I remember doing an exercise during a training day at work (teaching) which now I see was to discuss boundaries - we walked towards the other person until that person said stop. Because the person walking towards me was a warm person, a colleague I regarded as a friend they almost got up to my nose before I said "stop!" - this was before I even knew what boundaries are. Several years later I am still learning, while others see to naturally have boundaries? I can guess I will be learning about this most of my life.
This is so good, it has taken years to understand, what starts the process of enmeshment? For example a Mother or Father? Did they suffer a loss or what. What is the root cause?
I thought that when my (alcoholic) dad died last year, it will all be different, better. I will have space to breathe and not being afraid anymore something awfull is going to happen to my mom (former victim/enabler) and I can work on my coodependency to her & depression issues. Hell nooo! 😞. The patterns are still here, hard to break. Older sister lost it, left her husband, started drinking more and moved back to my mom. (I live there, am 40, never married, always trying to make her and everybody feel ok, protect her, working with her) With mom getting sick from Covid, the family dynamic worsened. There was a fight (older sister) which my mom mitigated?(made it look less severe than it was) so the next day I LEFT, also leaving family job behind. Staying with my younger, funktional sister. Now unemployed but in peace. Feeling huge guilt over leaving her. Very confused with my identity,🙆 my roles in life, everything is blurred, fighting the need to go back an comfort her🤦, being scared of starting from zero at this age...finding comfort in Bible and searching answers here on Ytube. Grateful I even had a place to run. Praying for those who dont.
Will you do a video on knowing your emotions? I definitely learned to ignore my emotions in order to better serve my narc mum and get emotions. I'm starting to get better at it, but that question really hit home
Am planning to leave my parents home for this reason I feel that I need time to gain myself, they dont understand this, its painful but I feel I have to do it
Great topic and so relevant to me right now, as I am going to be supporting a young teen who is a carer of her mum who has a chronic illness and they are enmeshed.
This was helpful but I am also wondering if we can find ourselves in similar enmeshed relationships outside our family until we have healed the wound. (I am currently at school and I feel like my roommate is offended that I am independent and like expects me to spend more time with her even though I don't click with her on a friendship level).This is exactly how I felt at home with my mom. Does this mean we both have to work on our boundaries? I don't know how to deal with this. Because I feel like spending time alone is crucial for me to heal, and then when I do people (my mom and my roommate) seem offended when I happen to interact with them and it makes me angry. It's like people view me as a threat. But I don't want to lash out because of course this would continue the cycle of enmeshment. I congratulate anyone who read this entire paragraph. I just really want to know if anyone is going through anything similar, because I feel confused as hell and am doubting myself.
Lol wow...so many boundary options. Not bad ones realizing I knew others yet not aware that I couldn't describe my own. Yet I'm a great space giver!! Lol
I’m curious to hear your insight on emotionally detached mothers/parents, and how to break the cycle with your own children. If there is a video like this can anyone point me in that direction? Thanks!
Good stuff. But 'too much love' is not possible. If there is a need to control boundaries and freedoms of another person that's not love. that's quite the opposite. ❤ Lol! Yes.. poster child.. me as well. 😊💕
My family dynamic is very much whatever happens to any of us gets aired out and talked about among all of us. I realize that isn't a healthy dynamic. I have a lot of adult siblings and we do often consult each other, check in, and talk through our decisions. My question is, isn't consulting others and talking through decisions to get advice to a certain degree normal? What's the difference between talking in that way with a friend vs a family member? And when does doing this become unhealthy...when it becomes a necessity to check in in order to make your own decisions? Because I feel seeking advice alone isn't necessarily unhealthy. I know I personally need to bounce many of my thoughts and feelings off other people to make sense of them, so I'm not sure what's crossing the line in all of this.
@@TheHolisticPsychologist Thank you for responding. Learning what exactly is unhealthy and where to draw the boundaries isn't always clear to me...I guess that's part of the journey.
What if the emotional roller coaster is because you have a child with constant medical needs? I so related to "if he's having a good day, I am" I say that all the time actually.
"Drunky-The-Clown" brother in law that thinks he's charming and cute. He has ruined every family dinner, ever. Because he's a provider to my Sister and helpful to our Mother everyone looks the other way when he's behaving poorly. Me, create boundaries by respectfully telling Mom, sister and family Myself, Wife & Daughter will not be participating in family dinners with "Drunky-The-Clown". We are so much happier now! Sometimes ya have to stand your ground and create boundaries.
My son has been going through a rough time and guess what? So have I, I feel his pain too deeply, I've been taking on the responsibility for keeping his spirits up, I'm suddenly too exhausted that I feel utterly drained.
Hai Nicole... been reading a lot about fight/flight mode n how an incident freezes in the brain causing a trauma. I have been trying to read stuff and follow almost all u say in dealing with it. is there anyway I could unfreeze or to overcome it... just recently I realized I have been attracting partners (potential) with similar inhibitions.. just wondering if could help.
Only you and your partner can decide that. Create your own world that the two of you can exist in peacefully....everyone is not the same and experience will teach you the best ..
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For people who really dont realise they relate through enmeshment, the receiving of boundaries from others can often feel like rejection and unnecessary social exclusion or even malicious intent on the behalf of the person inserting the boundary.
True!! I'd freak out if my partner wanted time and space..saw is as abandonment and rejection. I sabotaged all my relationships..so been single now for over 5 years. Till I learn I can't afford to be in another one.
This really hit home. I was wondering for some time now why I, as a 22-year-old woman from a non-abusive family, who had a joyous childhood, still struggle so much with self esteem and independency. I haven't been abused and my family gave me lots of love. So why then? Then you said "bouncing up ideas to feel secure and validated" and "one family member's mood affects the whole family" and "oversharing". Now I understand what went wrong. I come from a family with too much love.
I remember sharing every single thing with my mom and family, and the whole table listened to my school problems and I felt heard and could overcome it with them by consulting them. Also, my mom's mood is the mood of the family. If she has energy, the whole family has it. If not, no one has. So I probably learned to be emotionally depended on others from a very early age.
In my relationships, I often put aside my self to focus on others, if they have a bad day etc. I am a sucker for that. But I also vent to them a lot. Emotional dumping, you would say. And I like to talk everything out. From small to big desicions. Also, I have noticed, as the relationship progresses, I become emotionally dependent on the other person. Like, really dependent. And I can start to make up stuff that is not real. Like, oh, they must hate me now if they don't write to me.
So thank you. I really felt this video. I feel seen. And I have a lot to think about now. And I should not talk about it with my mom, I now have learned :) We do not need to talk about eeeeeverything together.
Awe❤ !
Sorry but you are fooling yourself. There is no such thing as "too much love". Enmeshment is not love, it is a pathological result of a traumatized parent. When your parent "loves you too much", that serves the parent, and is self-motivated. I cut contact with my mother because I asked her about several things to stop doing them, yet she kept doing that. How is that love? When the other tells you it HURTS, and you keep doing that? No such thing as too much love, enmeshment is an unhealthy thing.
I feel responsible always for other peoples emotions and experiences. Guilt is huge for me.
Checking in and telling people what I’m going to do, even small things like, I’m going to the grocery store. I believed that was courteous but now I see it’s enmeshment.
I had absolutely no boundaries and I become resentful I couldn’t place them also I didn’t know I didn’t have them.
Yes all of my romantic relationships have been addictive.
I can feel you Halie. Going through the same. Yet I am glad that I am at least aware of this pattern.
Not giving ppl space to process their emotions is huge!! Didn’t realize I haven’t given many partners space to process.
yep same here, always panicked they were going to leave me if they asked for space.
Ang it has been a challenge for me because space felt like rejection. That feeling of rejection fueled my clingy behavior not realizing I need space to process too. I’ve had to really work on this.
@Lexi 93 Do we have any chance to earn the relationship back while we are doing the work ? I really wish if I had given some space to my partner.
My ex boyfriends family was completely emeshed and it was generational. I always noticed they had to spend every extra moment together and it was overwhelming to me as I was not raised that way. It literally felt toxic and I dreaded being around because the dynamic they had was so normal to them that I was deemed the dramatic and crazy one. It’s sad , but once I found a name for this odd behavior of theirs that I was able to make a decision about it. I chose me…
It’s incredible how some of the signs may appear and be considered totally and completely “normal”. Bouncing decisions off of others to find out how they feel about them so you can feel validated. So much truth in here. Thank you 🙏🏻
I agree, so much of this is considered "normal." That's why I'm trying to speak to it. Thank you for being open.
Its because you know the other person doesnt have feelings for you. But tgey pretend to want to be with you. Thats a narcississt.
This is so good. I've found that as I've learned about where my boundaries have been violated, I can struggle to maintain a balance of what's an appropriate boundary for myself. I can become rigid or when someone gets upset by my boundary, I can lack empathy and be cold or question if I was too rigid, when it was, in fact, appropriate, but the other person just struggles with accepting it. This is hard stuff. Worth it, but so hard
Thank God for TH-cam. A year and a half ago I came across some videos on this topic, as I typed in "emotional abuse" . This has saved and changed my life. I never knew a thing about enmeshment and boundaries. Thank you for your work.
I still have hope in life only because of people like you who understand what we are going through and stand for us.. Thank you
I totally feel like I'm losing my self when I'm enmeshed with my family. I don't like my self when I'm living with them. No boundaries at all
Understanding you fully, you're not the only one. We have this in my family big-time, going way back, and until today.
Tell me about it
This is so assuring! I have a physical disability and my husband is my full-time caregiver. I'm working on making sure to have "me time" outside of work and it has helped tremendously in not feeling as affected if he's having a bad day. I've also felt like I'm obligated to be there emotionally in all relationships since I can't contribute physically, often to my own detriment. Boundaries, as hard as it is to say "no", are essential and my ability to be there for loved ones has become more meaningful because I'm not stretched so thin. Your videos are so helpful. Thank you.
Very helpful for me! I feel like this is something related to Trauma- Bonding, bc I found myself in this, too. Deep down the huge fear of getting abandoned...
Such awareness to know what the deep feeling is. Thanks for sharing Nessie!
Thank you so much!!! You are a gift to the world
So thoughtful, Chole. Thank you!
I am an emotional sponge with nearly every schema mode. And it doesn't take me long to react. So much defective thoughts and critical thought's. Everything you share is helping . Thankyou
I found I decided to stop trying to control others and that helped a lot. I didn’t realize my actions were controlling until I started paying attention to my behaviors and words.
while most people would never admit their setbacks (as you mentiond how you didn't even know what emotions you were feeling at one point), i love how you keep it REAL, you are a human too, and because you have been in the same place as the rest of us, it gives confidence that you know what you are talking about because clearly, you have done some work so you've been there, done that. thanks for keeping it real. i admire you!
I knew this was an issue for me but never knew there was a word for it. Thank you for this enlightening video!
How do you continue to have a relationship with enmeshed parents without playing into your child hood "role" how do you even maintain contact when there constantly disrepecting you with put downs?
sarah martinez you stop contacting them until they respect your boundaries
@@martaplanker2930 I did that. I even made my phone number secret so they couldn't call me. Eventually they turned around and started trying to be nice to me.
I hear you so much girl. But i think cutting them off wont reap true results. I believe that their behaviour is showing us something that is needed to be healed within ourselves. If it was not within us, we wouldnt have attracted such behaviours. So without judging or labelling ourselves, we must start the inner work first. The power of now book could help on understanding better.
You have to establish healthy boundaries. For me, I gave my parents one whole day per month. That day was theirs. I drove them around, took them out to breakfast, etc. My mother was never happy about this. I would take her home and she would say "Thank you. But next time..." I got to where instead of guilt or anger, I would just laugh about it. You don't have to cut yourself off completely. But you do have to decide what is healthy for you and what you can handle. It doesn't mean that I was always happy about it. But I made peace with it.
Others in my families are the what this video describes. I have to deal with them too. That actually has been more difficult as my parents aged.
I can answer my own question now you place distance without constant infusion or seperation. You heal your inner child stop expecting so much. Take control over your reactions by responding with what you will and will not tolerate and most importantly learn the skill of forgiveness. No one is perfect. Forgive your parents and then realize there was never anything to forgive. People make decisions based off what makes since to them.
Clearly explained. Many people struggle with this but don't have the language to describe it's intensity. I always thought it was ' being close'. It's really the opposite and is destructive. Like many different colour paints blended into each other....
What an incredible video!! Thank you doctor! This covers many of the reasons why my recent relationship of 10 mos with a Fearful Avoidant/Covert Narcissist failed! It goes much deeper than this video, but ENMESHMENT with Codependency and LACK OF TK NO BOUNDARIES, killed our relationship. I totally take responsibility for my part and lack of healing and understanding. Hindsight is 20/20!!
Dude, this described me so much… this is the way I learned to process emotions. Just super open with my relationships and under confident in my own decisions. I’m still learning how to be my own person and find confidence within myself but have a long way to go. Thank you for this video!
Thank you for another amazing (and timely) video!! “I versus We” mentality is such a powerful paradigm shift! For me, this ripples out into shifting locus of control and realizing that I am not responsible for anyone’s emotions except my own. 🙌🏼 Boundary work is so hard, especially with parents,.. still default sometimes into retreat and avoidance rather than address guilt re: family obligation and address issues with others who aren’t ready to receive message. I can only control me. So work in progress always. Consistency and practice and baby steps. Thank you for sharing (and modeling) healing and showing it is possible at any age, ego work stage, or life circumstance. Much love and gratitude to you! ❤️🙏🏼
Hey Teresa! Thank you as always for your warm energy and feedback. So grateful to have you in this community.
As a man that prioritizes my holistic health and evolution, I find your content so enriching and on point! I've been married for 16 years and have ridden the roller coaster for a very long time. Thank you for your knowledge, wisdom, and transparency. God bless!
this describes my maternal side of my extended family. No boundaries no privacy. My mother and uncle call all of everyone's shots and their other siblings bid their controls.
All my childhood and adolescence was about paying the closest attention to my parents', first of all my father's mood. Couldn't have a second without all my energy spent on watching out where the danger might come. He got angry, we got in trouble. He was all the time stressed out by his job with no respect or interest about anyone else's feelings or life. He literally beat the stress down on his closest family. I felt humiliated, lost, desperate with no hope of change, trying to hide all my feelings and act like it was normal, to survive. Until today, close to 40 I've struggled with relationships where I felt invisible, unable to tell my needs in a horrible fear of being left even if I ask for something really small or make an observation about what I like or don't like (something different than my partner's preference). I feel small and afraid inside and can't imagine being on a relationship with someone who could care about my needs.
That sounds exhausting. I hope you are finding your own spaces and looking after yourself. I know what its like growinh up with a controlling father. Mine was just passive aggressive but that can be oppressive
I can sure relate except it was my narcissist mother. She would dominate and control everything and everybody. I always lived in fear so it's no wonder that I have CPTSD depression and anxiety and at 57 after a traumatic loss of my only son to suicide I had a major breakdown...i heard from my son's friend that she was yellung at my son and calling him stupid and good for nothing (like she did to me all my life but especially in my teen years. I could never do anything to please her or make her accept me.) And told him in anger and resentment because she was having to drive him to urine testing after he lost his license to DUI that if he's such a loser he should just kill himself if he can't make it. But of course she vehemently denied it.when I brought it up and she blamed me for his death saying if I hadn't moved away he might still be here. He was 24. I just have so many horror stories but was always afraid to tell anyone because she gaslighted me and flying monkeys saying who would ever believe me and that I'm the problem and was the scapegoat for all problems. Oh and that we don't air our dirty laundry to anyone. And that no one cares about me or my problems and that I'm just shitting on my self and the family and I should be ashamed of myself for even thinking of telling anyone what goes on on in our family. No one could ever come over or ever have a sleepover at our house like other girls had. I couldn't go to sleepover parties either. First time I saw how my best friends parents were to her I was shocked! They actually talked and laughed and shared candidly openly and honestly and the parents listened and talked respectfully to her. Not demeaning and condescending. I remember one time in college I came home for mother's day thinking she'd be glad I thought of her and brought her a card and was excited to give her a gift and she belittled me and dehumanized me. I cannot even think of words to describe the horror I felt so small. I drove back to campus in tears and so distraught that I took a whole bottle and a half of my tricyclic antidepressants( serious rx) and tried to kill myself. When they came up after doctors called them she yelled at me saying what am I doing to her and I should be ashamed of myself and what are people gonna think and im an embarrassment.. I freaked and screamed..het her out of here doctors & nurses came running as I was bawling my eyes out. They were so controlling that they would not let me stay and get psychiatric help and signed me out against medical protocol. She started saying but we love you and care about you so much we don't understand why this is happening. In the car she yelled at me the whole way
Sorry to ramble but your comment triggers flood of memories. A day in the life. As they say.
My brother was the golden child and 10 years younger than me. I was basically his caretaker along with my grandma who lived with us..thats a whole other chapter. They wouldn't let me play sports even if the volleyball coach asked me to tryout because I had a killer serve..or music or art or tennis or any hobbies. The question always was do you have to do this? Is it necessary for school and your benefit and education? I stood up for my brother though as soon as I got my license I would take him to soccer abd signed him up behind their back. My brother says I need to write my stories...its so painful though and again I think of her and how can I do that and expose it? What woukd she think what would people think? She'd say I'm lying that it never happened. So am I crazy? A liar? Why would I make this horror up?
I just found Dr Nicole a couple of months ago. So blessed for this. I. Read John Bradshaw years ago about embracing and parenting the inner child but never did the work really was afraid..and now after the loss of my son because of this horrible disease and dysfunction...my film broke so to speak. I have a daughter and when I caught myself repeating that cycle it really hurt and made me realize im still on autopilot. Scared me because I do love her and I was never gonna be like my mom..but here I was blindly being just like her! Tragedy. I have to break this cycle!! I must!
Well dear I just wanted to share that you are not alone and we can overcome this trauma and abuse and maybe make a difference in someone else's lives. (My daughter's and maybe granddaughters..but she lives 10 hours away so I hardly get to see her. She is my son's little girl😥💔😭
Thank you for all you choose to share with us. Growing so much because of the tips you’ve given.
Hi Skye, its an honor to share here. Thank you!
I came here because I thought another family was dealing with an enmeshed relationship and turns out I am as well lol
I was like ... well dang.
Thank you for your enlightenment.
This reminds me of the over functioning and under functioning relationship as well.
Thank you so so much you incredible human being, I am beyond grateful for you and your work, thank you for giving back so much to help others, I am so grateful, i wish you and your partner, as well as everyone watching this, reading this comment, or working through their own personal obstacles much love and hope to all 💗💗💗💗💗💗💗 we got this!
*sigh* I so wish I had found your videos 30 years ago! (Although you probably weren't even alive then!) They are so incredibly poignant, not only to my current relationship, but to ALL of my previous ones. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
me too!!! Omg me too!! ❤
To everyone dealing with this issue hang in there,including myself.While it is difficult to find the lessons in enmeshment they are there and just the fact that you are aware that you are in an unhealthy relationship is a big step!
So❤True !
4:09 • "Do you know about your own emotional needs are? Do you know how to go about meeting them? Sounds so simple, Again, I did not know how. I did not know what my emotions were? I did not know how to give them words. I did not even know how to start to meet my own emotional needs." I did not have the awareness I was numb, until thanks to Cannabis, i was able to start feeling again and integrating myself and my experiences. I was able to process my trauma and begin to pick myself up.
This is so helpful in my relationship with my adult son. Thank you! (Enmeshment is different than love!)
This is such significant insight. Usually when my mom is frustrated about money, she's gonna start ranting about how much she has to take care of us and how much the expenses are. It makes me feel like really just flying out of the house (which is really in my plans because im a single mum with kids). It's difficult to be independent emotionally when there's someone kind of holding u responsible for their stress.
This really explains why as the scapegoat once you escape the toxic parent and try to tell the other parent or sibling later they can’t understand wants going on because their emotions gravitate only to the toxic parent and they can’t empathize with you just like the toxic parent can’t. Their emotions are enmeshed with the toxic parent only. They don’t gaslight you but they stonewall you because their emotional intelligence is too low and they are the first to enable the toxic parent behavior and will try to make you come back to the family because you need to be loyal and forget about your own feelings, broken boundaries, and immoral actions acted upon towards you because one day “things will get better”.
It is like how people who are abused act in abusing relationships. They stay with the abuser because of loyalty and they care about the abusers needs more than their own which is not love at all. It’s borderline idolatry. Then they give excuses for the partners behavior, are codependent of the abuser, and they think that they are supposed to stay with them because one day they will change, one day they will marry them, one day they will apologize.....I see now why my fathers enabling behavior of my mother toxic behavior caused me to grow up and be in relationships that were just as toxic thinking one day they will stop hurting me... they day never came and Jesus pulled me out and saved me.
Wow!!! You well said so clear and precise! I couldn't put my finger on the term...loyalty.. Family ties. I could have written this mysef but you said it perfectly! Thank you. My mom is a narc too and my dad enables her..well he doesn't do anything to shut her down and stop the abuse.
Ahh this is so helpful Thankyou so much!! You’ve helped me realise I’m in emotional trigger responses and projecting my pain out to the people I love in time I have been so unconscious of it. 😭😭
So painful but so needed 🙏🙏
yep i got all of them. thank you for another eye opening self healing video
You and me both. Much love to you!
*Thank you for doing what you do! Would you ever share a day-in-the-life vlog ? I'd just love to see something like that, but of course I understand if you prefer to keep that private.*
Hey! Really appreciate that idea. My life is just terribly boring!
@@TheHolisticPsychologist I totally understand the pressure xD but maybe treat it as an experiment to see how it goes and the audience ŕesponse?
@@TheHolisticPsychologist that's funny:)
what about a day in the life revisting the past and then analyze and relate healing work and terminology and bring it back to center and what could be done in a particular situation to emulate a functional and healthy response and secure attachment style?
( Btw I have the other 3 attachments except that healthy one! So many failed relationships so much turmoil and loss and grief!
Could be really effective teachable moments? !
@@blondiek8934 wow! That is unusually specific but I love it since I study psychology!
I just discovered you! I’ve listened to about 7 videos in a row. These are awesome! Short and concise with tons of value. Thanks for sharing! I like your dress in this one too.
Thank you Dr. Nicole. I have related to all characteristics that you have listed. Thank you for sharing the wisdom that you do. It has been the most revelatory and helpful kind of knowledge for me.
Hi dr nicole. Ive been on a journey of self-healing and also started to date someone through an online relationship. He seems to be truly consistent and is very communicative, even as i try to find loopholes he seems to prove me wrong and that he is a stable individual. I find that during the times he is absent i get very anxious and like i did something wrong. It scares me that men need emotional space. This is something that brought me to tears because it was huge. I find that this is a natural thing in men and to me it affected me in huge ways. I really needed to face this. 😢😔❤️
Omg yes. This is what I'm dealing with. It really sucks. I need my space. I don't want everyone around me all the time asking about whatever !
You are such an incredible teacher /therapist ' human being ' thank you soooooo much for these videos i feel so much more less alone 💛
Wow, I had to come back to this video because I totally forgot. Practice practice practice. I truly think it comes from the fear of being abandoned! I find this ebbs and flows throughout relationships, sometimes, I'm over caring, sometimes I remember to give space, we all need it for hobbies and other things.
Thank you so much for the work you do! I always appreciate your insights!
Thank you so much!
You are describing me. Thank you for helping me.
the wisdom. this journey to not managing others' emotion has been incredibly empowering and incredibly vulnerable and guilt-provoking all in one. welcome to humanity...!
"The journey of not managing other emotions" Katie- I am going to create around this!
@@TheHolisticPsychologist can't wait!
Learning! Wisdom! Truth! Thank you 💗
You're so welcome!
Allyson Muir I love it too❣️☺️
I love you. I’m so looking forward to your meditation event in LA ❤️
I love you. I'm so excited to meet you!
Wow! Thank you for this. I am guilty as charged. However, I have been working on boundaries and trying to meet my own emotional needs but its not easy. But I am determined to keep at it. I have been writing a gratitude journal for about 5 years now.
When you feel responsible for everyone else's reactions/emotions - 'over responsibility'? This is emeshment? Could it be one result of being an abuse survivor? I remember doing an exercise during a training day at work (teaching) which now I see was to discuss boundaries - we walked towards the other person until that person said stop. Because the person walking towards me was a warm person, a colleague I regarded as a friend they almost got up to my nose before I said "stop!" - this was before I even knew what boundaries are. Several years later I am still learning, while others see to naturally have boundaries? I can guess I will be learning about this most of my life.
So blessed to come on your channel to see how to heal properly and work on being a better person ❤️🙌🏽
Thank you for helping me and the world.
This video is amazing thank you so much for posting it. I’m going to go change my life.
This is so good, it has taken years to understand, what starts the process of enmeshment? For example a Mother or Father? Did they suffer a loss or what. What is the root cause?
Thank you so much for sharing this information! This definitely resonates and I really appreciate you taking the time to educate us about it! 🙏🏼💖
Hi Maru, I so appreciate the opportunity to teach and share.
Having an addict in the family means that my whole family really struggle with this 😔
So true. The whole family is dysfunctional and addicted. That's why groups like Alanon and adult children of alcoholics exist.
I thought that when my (alcoholic) dad died last year, it will all be different, better. I will have space to breathe and not being afraid anymore something awfull is going to happen to my mom (former victim/enabler) and I can work on my coodependency to her & depression issues.
Hell nooo! 😞.
The patterns are still here, hard to break.
Older sister lost it, left her husband, started drinking more and moved back to my mom. (I live there, am 40, never married, always trying to make her and everybody feel ok, protect her, working with her)
With mom getting sick from Covid, the family dynamic worsened. There was a fight (older sister) which my mom mitigated?(made it look less severe than it was) so the next day I LEFT, also leaving family job behind.
Staying with my younger, funktional sister. Now unemployed but in peace. Feeling huge guilt over leaving her. Very confused with my identity,🙆 my roles in life, everything is blurred, fighting the need to go back an comfort her🤦, being scared of starting from zero at this age...finding comfort in Bible and searching answers here on Ytube.
Grateful I even had a place to run.
Praying for those who dont.
Time for you to write a book! Thanks for a great video. I'll definitely share this with some of my own patients.
-- Abigail Shepherd, PhD
YAAAY I’m so excited to watch this 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
I hope this is helpful.
The Holistic Psychologist yes, I’m watching it a second time now ❤️ Tysm ❣️
This was incredibly helpful, thank you so much. Keep it up, all the best!
Will you do a video on knowing your emotions? I definitely learned to ignore my emotions in order to better serve my narc mum and get emotions. I'm starting to get better at it, but that question really hit home
This is soo important and such a relief.
This was so helpful. Thank you so much 🙏❤️✨
Hi Meredith! Thank you!
Am planning to leave my parents home for this reason I feel that I need time to gain myself, they dont understand this, its painful but I feel I have to do it
Your messages are so good 🌐🦋
Great topic and so relevant to me right now, as I am going to be supporting a young teen who is a carer of her mum who has a chronic illness and they are enmeshed.
Hi Carolyn, I'm so glad this is helpful!
I needed this video. ❤️❤️ Thank you.
Can I pls ask if there are transcripts for these amazing videos ?
This us such an important knowlege you share to us. Thank youuu...
Another amazingly helpful video, thank you so much 🥰
This was helpful but I am also wondering if we can find ourselves in similar enmeshed relationships outside our family until we have healed the wound. (I am currently at school and I feel like my roommate is offended that I am independent and like expects me to spend more time with her even though I don't click with her on a friendship level).This is exactly how I felt at home with my mom. Does this mean we both have to work on our boundaries? I don't know how to deal with this. Because I feel like spending time alone is crucial for me to heal, and then when I do people (my mom and my roommate) seem offended when I happen to interact with them and it makes me angry. It's like people view me as a threat. But I don't want to lash out because of course this would continue the cycle of enmeshment. I congratulate anyone who read this entire paragraph. I just really want to know if anyone is going through anything similar, because I feel confused as hell and am doubting myself.
Love your videos please keep them coming
Lol wow...so many boundary options. Not bad ones realizing I knew others yet not aware that I couldn't describe my own. Yet I'm a great space giver!! Lol
I’m curious to hear your insight on emotionally detached mothers/parents, and how to break the cycle with your own children. If there is a video like this can anyone point me in that direction? Thanks!
Good stuff. But 'too much love' is not possible. If there is a need to control boundaries and freedoms of another person that's not love. that's quite the opposite. ❤
Lol! Yes.. poster child.. me as well. 😊💕
such a great video, thanks!
My family dynamic is very much whatever happens to any of us gets aired out and talked about among all of us. I realize that isn't a healthy dynamic. I have a lot of adult siblings and we do often consult each other, check in, and talk through our decisions. My question is, isn't consulting others and talking through decisions to get advice to a certain degree normal? What's the difference between talking in that way with a friend vs a family member? And when does doing this become unhealthy...when it becomes a necessity to check in in order to make your own decisions? Because I feel seeking advice alone isn't necessarily unhealthy. I know I personally need to bounce many of my thoughts and feelings off other people to make sense of them, so I'm not sure what's crossing the line in all of this.
If consulting with family members through decisions is something that's helpful for you, no need to adjust anything!
@@TheHolisticPsychologist Thank you for responding. Learning what exactly is unhealthy and where to draw the boundaries isn't always clear to me...I guess that's part of the journey.
Thank you so much!!! I Love your Soul
Thank you! This is Lisa texastea22 I love you so much! You have helped me so much heal
fantastic - as always
What if the emotional roller coaster is because you have a child with constant medical needs? I so related to "if he's having a good day, I am" I say that all the time actually.
Excellent!!!
"Drunky-The-Clown" brother in law that thinks he's charming and cute. He has ruined every family dinner, ever. Because he's a provider to my Sister and helpful to our Mother everyone looks the other way when he's behaving poorly. Me, create boundaries by respectfully telling Mom, sister and family Myself, Wife & Daughter will not be participating in family dinners with "Drunky-The-Clown". We are so much happier now! Sometimes ya have to stand your ground and create boundaries.
what about if you can't remember what you loved doing as a child?
thank you.
This helped so much
WORD!
Thankyou so much
My son has been going through a rough time and guess what? So have I, I feel his pain too deeply, I've been taking on the responsibility for keeping his spirits up, I'm suddenly too exhausted that I feel utterly drained.
What do you call it when there wasn’t enough love but I still feel responsible their emotions?
🌸🦅ive got to rise above this, sigh..
What are the consequences of emotional enmeshment in adult age?how can I recognize this in my partner? He says he got lot of love from parents...
Thank you so much !!!!! 🙏
Hai Nicole... been reading a lot about fight/flight mode n how an incident freezes in the brain causing a trauma. I have been trying to read stuff and follow almost all u say in dealing with it. is there anyway I could unfreeze or to overcome it... just recently I realized I have been attracting partners (potential) with similar inhibitions.. just wondering if could help.
Thank you so much
What if you check all the markers ?
✅ good video
Hi, do we ever fully heal from emotional enmeshment?
feel into your emotions and liberate them!
What is a healthy expectation of emotional consideration from a partner, because if there is none, then that's not healthy either?
I also want to know
Only you and your partner can decide that. Create your own world that the two of you can exist in peacefully....everyone is not the same and experience will teach you the best ..
I’m avoidant attatchment and I just had my first new relationship after a few years and now I’m acting like this, god damn I have so much to work on😭
So helpful