I love this woman. Me and my mom watch her together. I feel very lucky to be able to grow with my mother. It's nice to find a genuine person on TH-cam who actually walks the talk. Who actually practices what they preached and made it to the other side. You are a earth angel and I'm so thankful for you. I just got a job and bc of her payment plans I can afford to take her classes soon. What a class act. She isn't just in it for the money this is her life calling but also deserves all the prosperity and abundance that comes her way.
@@KateStantonSings yes I totally relate.. I was groomed in my childhood to behave this way. It has caused me so much pain and loss, including the loss of my authentic self and trusting red flags 🚩
@xSalted Caramel wow 😯 this is exactly what my mom and her familytold me when I was growing up. They said that life and the living is for other people and not me. They even convinced me by conspiring with an evil therapist that I am my 4 year old cousin child who has a severe brain disease and can’t sleep, can’t eat, can’t drink and when I volunteered for autistic kids before that they tried to tell me she has autism which she doesn’t have and also sent her mother to that autism children organization and she cried and pretended that she was grateful I was helping and then said that my other cousins want to join and help and then they told another volunteer to scare me and tell me police said they will close the organization and put us in prison for volunteering and that I should save my dad and protect my dad who conspired with them too. They all were trying to corrupt my mind to think that I have degenerative brain disease, that I am an alcoholic, a sex addict, a gay woman going to hell, an insane person and that I am a fallen woman and to think that my husband who loved me and they broke our marriage is my mother’s brother who abused me sexually, touched my breasts and to think that my kind husband who loved me is my cousin who abused me and they told me to think that is why they tried to tell me I have that brain disease that has no cure and that probably is caused by that my uncle married his direct cousin and also my other cousins were born with an illness in their stomachs because their parents are direct cousins. They were telling me to think that they are God and that God is abusing me and that I can’t pray to God because it is as if I am praying to abusers and to think that they are victims of God and to scapegoat God. That is what they were trying to corrupt my mind to think by conspiring with evil therapists. They were 50 or more people in my mother’s family, my sisters, therapists, coaches conspiring against me, turning me against my dad, my dad’s family, turning my dad and his family against me and turning me against my ex husband and his family and turning my ex husband and his family against me. I hope that I will be able to overcome the trauma of them destroying everything in my existence including my health, faith, marriage, masters studies, job with my dad, financial situation, friendships, instincts, impulses, trust, discipline, time management, focus.
Its true. But I think they don't mean full on daily abusers . They mean those people who could have a really bad life and probably get treated like crap so much that it finally makes them go crazy on people in a grocery store. And they start yelling at you if you didn't do something perfectly. Anytime I encounter someone in public or at work and they are VERY rude and mean I just take a deep breath and continue to be friendly and nice. (I have anxiety disorder too lol) They end up leaving with a smile on their face calling me "honey" or "sweetie" OR.... they are even still really angry but apologize LOL Honestly its the best feeling in the world!!!! But I grew up abused , and I agree it is NOT okay to treat people like crap. Its basically kissing ass. But it Honestly really does feel good not to be angry or affected by frustration and angry people. I have alot of disorders that make me an anxious, nervous, highly sensitive person. So it's difficult, but so satisfying when you try to learn where someone may be coming from. If they want to stay an arsehole, so be it! But I won't become them if that's what they want!!! 🤣 Men_tal ill_ness is a thing to keep in mind too! ... that's so important. There could be something really wrong with them
“Killing with kindness” has me maintaining control. Not allowing someone or thing ruining my day. I stopped taking things personally a long time ago. If one is rude and a bully, this is their issue, nor mine. I continue on. What I learned is: “People see in me what they are not.” I was told I cared too much (was attentive towards children that had been abused - physically, mentally & sexually) , too honest (because I documented the facts) and worked too hard (got my work completed and asked if others needed help - I would feed anyone who could mot feed themselves even if I went without my meal as it was important they eat to heal - open wounds from hot water dunking. I’m bad was the message. I was okay with any criticism as I was doing what needed to be done. Daily I was told I was spoiling the children as I was attentive to their needs. Children that are abused either are withdrawn, say nothing or whine a lot. I wanted them to feel safe. While doing my documentation I would bring them in my environment and acknowledge them. One day I got so tired of being told I was spoiling the children, I turned to all and said, “I only know how my mom treated me when I was sick” and that created every person present to evaluate how they were treated. What a rise of unhappiness within some of these people. Some I watched abuse other clients and interjected of coarse. That was something else they did not like. Not my issueS. Nor was I going to allow this inappropriate behavior to stand. Yes, in the end they wanted to destroy me. Not my issue. I ask myself why was I put into a position to observe the things I had. I feel the lord uses people to do things that need to be done. If I said nothing I could not have peace within as the act(s) were blatantly a personal issue that needed to be resolved. I was never a groupie nor played follower to inappropriate behavior. I have always tried to live a Christ like life. Doing the right things in life is not always easy as others “see in you what they are not” and hopefully encourages them to do the right thing. Learn who you are and maintain those boundaries. Know-one can make you feel any way if you know who you are.
I was once told to “kill them with kindness” when a customer was rude to me… I almost ask what they thought I was doing before! It’s disgusting how much CS caters to rude people in general..
I have trouble with boundaries because I'm an empath and am too nice because I don't like others to be upset and also I don't like others to be either upset with me or because of me. I was raised to be a people pleaser.
@77ranko Wow! Thank you so very much for taking the time to share all of this. You explained it so well from many perspectives for me, I just love your clear response as I found it so helpful that I plan to write it down for my own personal use. Thank you again! 💜
I lived this way also. Now, I am alone most of the time. If you don't change, nothing changes. It's never too late to develop a little bitchiness (excuse the language). Tough love does work sometimes! Bless you and learn to love yourself!☀️
Two things which really thrill these monsters: *turning friends, family, and authorities against you; *getting you to return for another dogfoodbowl of abuse
We have a son n law that purposely abused & tortured our daughter's 2 oldest boys from the time they were toddlers, they are 1 yr 3 weeks apart, they are not his kids, they are hurting very bad from their childhood abuse, it was 1st degree Aggravated Premeditated cruelty with malicious intent, he planned to do things to them when they got older, which he followed through with it, our state has a severe case against him, he has not ever paid for what he did to them, he also bullies me for standing up to them, he is a severe Malignant Narcissist with some sadism too, the boys are 21 & 20, their is a younger one that is his with our daughter he is 18, he witnessed his dad beat & torture his brothers, now he threatens them not to tell me anything he did to them especially when they were living in a certain place that I couldn't protect them cause of we were in a different county, same state, the case is so severe he is looking at 25 yrs to life, he comes from a Narcissistic family they are all cruel, both parents, I'm the only one that has fought the state defacs & even took the case to our state senate office & sent them the case I had typed up, they sent a copy to the head of defacs telling them to help me, I went to the children's rights organization & every place & now have a lawyer going to take more serious action now.
My mom and father always told me be kind, be nice don’t be rude disrespectful and just ignore it it’ll go away but that they never taught me to stand up for myself to not let people walk all over me because I’m kind all the time, I’ve been called your so nice, your too kind, I don’t mind being sweet but it’s like there’s no way to talk without being pushed around because I don’t know how to establish a back bone.
Trust me, you are not "too nice"... The world isn't nice enough ! But as a people pleaser myself I kick myself for doing stupid things. Like doing things I DON'T want to do, or giving things away I really didn't want to give away. I don't regret being kind I regret letting people walk all over me too. I think the REAL FEAR we need to actually worry about the most are Narcissistic people. They looooove sweet, vulnerable people 🤣 I've come to think they are just pretty pathetic and have nothing better going for themselves. They must nkt be able to "help it" So what's really to fear? To fear them is to give in and I'm not doing that anymore. It sucks that I can't just stay happy and kind, but that's life. Please don't let people walk all over you. You are wonderful, kind, and strong . If people want to be miserable after you show your kindness, SO BE IT. Let it be. And if they don't stop , push them away from your life
My parents tried teaching me the same thing, but I think I was just too honest for my own good and I wasn’t one to easily hide emotions. So, if I was angry I usually expressed it outright; verbally or physically. I have mostly been a free thinker with a fairly low boiling point. Rude people and bullies won’t just go away if you ignore them or comply. If you do that you are just rewarding them for their toxic behavior. Also, the golden rule applies both ways. If someone treats you like crap, then that is how they want to be treated. So why not oblige them? I would rather not verbally engage with a narcissist, since they won’t hear you anyway. My mom has always had some sort of malevolence in her. She would preach the words of nobility, but would non verbally make exceptions for herself. We were only Methodist, so I wasn’t deeply indoctrinated with religion and never bought the whole thing. I think the one thing my mom said that was the big red flag, was when I blew through the ez- pass lane without an ez-pass or cash and had to turn my plates in, I got a bunch of grief for it. Then I said to my mom, “I guess I tested the bounds of your love.” And she said, “Yup.” I was very codependent at the time, and knew she wasn’t genuine earlier in my childhood and mocked my sadness, gaslighted my frustration, withheld love out of disapproval, and told me she wished I was never born. My dad is too whipped and dissonant to call her out, plus his hearing is near gone and he won’t get a hearing aid, which only tells me that he doesn’t care to hear or listen to any one. I was mostly a lone wolf with few long term friends, and trust issues, so I just try to weed out toxicity as much as I can. I just get annoyed and wish people would drop the kindness act. It’s a facet. If I want to find real unconditional love, I turn to dogs and my cat. I’m tired of the charades that people play.
@@sidewaysonhighways "tired of the charades that people play". so true; animals r more honest with their emotions which r revealed in body language - speaks louder than words. Much depends on our own perceptions/interpretations which N.s love to confuse us with their pretentions.
@@sidewaysonhighways Yes I get it I have a dog that gives me more unconditional love then my own family ..I agree charades people play are so fake I am tired of it..
I was always taught to "turn the other cheek". I made sure to teach my 4 children the opposite (chose your battles but always stand up for yourself and always trust your intuition).
A sure sign of a destructive relationship is the one-up game. Abused adult children may have experienced this with a jealous mother or raging father. For instance, when an innocent child comes home from school and is proud of a good grade only to get knocked down with a snide remark by one of their parents. In adult relationships, you will notice this when one of the partners expresses vulnerability and that share is weaponized. When we are in relationships with people who suffer from incredibly wounded egos, we don’t always understand the cost this takes on us personally. A narcissist is someone who MUST dominate and control. Domination occurs through trivializing accomplishments, diminishing goals, marginalizing emotions, and weaponizing past pains. When we are abused adult children, we don’t always know what healthy looks like. Many of us stay in demeaning relationships because we don’t know how to stand up for the self. When the ones we love have programmed us to believe our accomplishments mean nothing, we don’t have the data to know how to expect others to offer us respect. One of the most important things we can do is to become aware of how damaging the one-up game is. Partners should not demean or demoralize one another and vulnerabilities should be honored, not exploited. The next time someone plays the one-up game with you, recognize this as a sign of wishing to gain power over you. Keeping you small is the way people like this make themselves feel big. If someone reveals that they are not to be trusted with your vulnerabilities, accomplishments, pains, dreams, or goals, do yourself a favor and get a journal. Instead of sharing with people who enjoy the one-up game, hold onto all of that deliciousness for yourself and share it in your journal. If you know someone has the ability to use your vulnerabilities against you, it is time to learn about what NOT to share. Hold onto yourself Dear One--you got this! #emotionalabuse #codependency #codependencyrecovery #niceguysyndrome #peoplepleaser #lisaaromano #selflove #selfcare #selflessness #acoa
I remember you saying this years ago so I stopped telling my mother & husband anything they could use against me later. I eventually stopped speaking to her at all, because even 5 min conversations were turned into opportunities to throw darts at me. I decided I didnt deserve that behavior, and despite family pressure , Ive been no contact with her for 3 years. My marriage & family business arent so easy to walk away from, BUT I no longer get dragged down the rabbitt hole of thinking "if I could just make him see how much I love him he'll understand he's wrong to treat me so badly" NOPE. NADA. Dont even want that T-shirt!! Not my fault. Not my responsibility. Not my circus. Im no longer riding that train to Crazytown..... Thank you for reminding me that Im not being selfish by requiring ppl to behave in a civil manner towards me or they can go darken someone else's door (soul). Namaste
I don’t know how to not share! I’m trying to learn. I am underdeveloped I feel naïve about people and the world. Sometimes I feel like I’m 5 years old like I look at everyone from this lens that they are like me! Wrong I’ve been taken advantage of by partners and business people. I also loose relationships And I take a serious hit!
@@OneWhoKnowz I lots of times feel like my mind was shortchanged. Why don't I know what others know. From childhood I've felt one step behind. Kinda pisses me off.
We are trained to be nice all the time. 1. This is what the abuser must do so that the abuse can easily continue. 2. It then teaches us that we should not expect anything in return for our kindness. 3. Using God against us is just another aspect of fear. When we no longer fear the abuser this is their next level of control. This is the abuser becoming your God. 4. Being nice to the abuser because we fear God will punish us is the control over us. 5. So we were taught it is a sin against God to be rude to the abuser and refuse the abuse. It is all a huge lie. God did not create you to be a compliant servant to your abuser. Thank you for helping us free our minds. That is the first step in our full freedom.💕💕💕
@perfectly I just left a comment that when Lisa talked about spirituality in this, it occurred to me later that Jesus told us to "Love others AS we love ourSELVES"---He never said to love others MORE THAN ourselves! When I read the Gospels, I see that Jesus was no doormat. Yes, on the cross He prayed "Father forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing," BUT, He left places where He was persecuted. In fact, He said "When you are persecuted in one place, flee to another." Profound insights there.
I thought I was being noble to return kindness for cruelty, but all I did by forgiving ppl who never repented of harming me was, I gave them permission to keep harming me. Smh
Believe me, I’ve learned the hard way many times that being nice to ppl just doesn’t work. They just sets you up to be used snd taken advantage of. I’ve been screwed and scammed out of thousands of dollars being selfless and this nice person. My own kids come at me and treat me like a cash cow. Women just need to grow balls, and start telling ppl no. Just say no. Had I said no, I never would’ve gotten myself in some situations that could have easily been avoided by saying no. Take care of yourself first, everybody else last, and don’t feel guilty when someone calls you a selfish ---. It’s ok to be selfish. Yeah I’m selfish and I’m proud of it.
That's exactly why I've become more blunt and direct with people and if we argue about it then so be it but you're not going to keep disrespecting me. I steer clear from and will not pursue a person that I don't get along with, I don't care how GOOD the woman looks. Self love, self respect, and a peace of mind is mandatory for me.
Its a EVIL narcissist thats a partner w my son and mother ,, of my 2 grandchildren,,, HE has no idea what the hell to do w her and the children are learning her insanity !!!!!!!!!!
Being nice all the time. Makes life worst. This specified as people pleasers. Being nice should be an extension of. Cause and effect that rectified purpose. For all those involved. There are people that feed off. The nice and kind mannerisms of others as well. Which is preferred to as users. Family members has the tendency of taking full advantage of their loveones too. Therefore saying the word no. Clarifies the answer to a question. Even nice people. Will draw the line to being nice. And not feel guilty for doing so.
It doesn't matter if you give up yourself to others or finally stick up for yourself and say no, people will hate you no matter what. I just learned to let it go in one ear and out the other.
Thank you Lisa! 💕 This one hits deep for me. Being nice is mentally, physically & emotionally exhausting. And the guilt that follows the rare times we actually say no & put ourselves first, is a total mental torture.
I have always been the giver. Even at my church people take advantage. They know my situation and take advantage of that. And it is wrong. Not sure how to deal with it. I am a VERY selfless person. I have started working on saying no. I am finally taking time for myself and working out everyday...
Good video. My neighbours regularly take advantage of me and try to be charming to get round me, but I have stopped being nice and they hate it. I was nice before.. but now they are only nice when they want something and when I say no, they gaslight me. I know their game now.
When I left my ex covert physcopath ex husband and started taking care of myself...I got accused of "Life being all about me." Words according to my grown daughter. 🙄I had to tell her that "No. I am taking care of myself." I have also had to tell her that I am not the scapegoat of the family anymore. No contact for awhile now. 😄 Thank you Lisa for this video.😍🙏💪🌹
This is me. :( I try not to be so nice but I am a sweet soul and want everyone to get along. It backfires on me and I get burnt by the people I am nice to. 😓
My mind is blown every time I watch one of Lisa's videos. It's like she's in my brain and my heart. It's always the message I need to hear at the exact moment I need to hear it.
AMEN!!! I was TOO NICE WHEN I was with the Narcissist...I am sorry that is how I am, that is how I was raised...but I finally realized after he was LOVE BOMBING his new supply which I saw on his phone, I knew that it was time for me to go, to leave and head back home away from him....So THANKFUL I GOT AWAY!!! HOPING THAT HE DOES NOT RETURN....
I love to help others... yes even the abusers but when I discovered that they were taking advantage of me and even with all my efforts it was never enough but when I wanted their help I was faced with abused, this is when I said no more. I learned to say no and establish boundaries which was very difficult for me because it is not in my nature but I needed to put limit with people or hence I knew the cycle of abuse will repeat. If you give the opportunity to people to exploit you, they will because by letting them exploit you you are indirectly giving them permission to continue. I admit my own responsibility hence I put limit on my level if interaction with others and what I will not tolerate. Was I critisize? Yes. Was I judge? Yes. Was I blamed? Yes. Insulted? Yes. But I least I by distancing I stop giving them the "opportunity" and they got tired of asking because they knew I will not give them what they want. It is still painful but I am getting used to it cause at least now I have peace.
I was thinking about what you said about spirituality, when the words of Jesus came back to me--He actually said to "Love others AS you love yourSELF." It was a profound insight for me, that He never said to love others MORE than ourselves, so why did I ever think I was being a good Christian to subject myself to abusive treatment? And most importantly, I wasn't being "real" with how I genuinely felt. I was stuffing my feelings down, and feeling what I thought I "should" feel, as if I didn't have a "right" to feel anger and resentment!!! Also, Jesus said "When you are persecuted in one place flee to another." He NEVER said to stay and take abuse.
This has been me for 73 years. I am presently seeing it all, so now I don't know what to think about my daily life. It's in my nature to be helpful to others. Now I will watch who is receiving and who is taking!
Wow, true. It does make them disrespect you more and I 100% agree wholeheartedly but I was raised to believe two things, that the bigger person walks away and take the high road and doesn't succumb to anger or stopping down to their pathetic antagonistic level or and this was just advice in retail that whenever someone is rude to you, smile, even though every part of yourself doesn't want to, because (retail assistants do take a lot of abuse, we can't argue back with the customers or we'll be had) and I remember Mom saying when someone is irrate be smiley because there's nothing more that infuriates them but you can't be pulled up for anything. These, however I find haven't helped myself it's just causing me to be further disrespected so I stop being my warm friendly self and deal with them as an unpleasant customer, I don't need to answer them back, it's just a look, of I'm not taking this but I'll be professional about it. If wheelchair abusers start I stand taller. Considering that they need help some can be downright cruel but I have to think it shows them up to the world what a nasty horrible unpleasant person they are and I've stopped apologising to my family my sister once said to me by apologising people think they're in the right (I might think I'm being te bigger person) but I'm not. Being the bigger person leads to resentment and anger issues. You don't feel good about being able to have that kind of strength however isn't that a little like gray rock or very low contact and that's the only way to win?
Finally making sense of this dark place that is swallowing me. I've been the designated caregiver for my father for 13 years after my mother died of cancer. I even retired from my teaching career (which I loved) to care for him. He is now 95. Now my husband is in stage four COPD. I have to find a road back to myself. Thank you Lisa for being comprehensively honest and real about the situation. No superficial answers. You are Willing to go deep.💕
I tell my girls every day I love them and ask how they feel through out the day and we have mommy and me talking sessions lol they act like I'm annoying and then get sad if we miss one lol 🤣
My childhood damaged me so much I'm broken but I'm trying to fit all my broken parts back together. It's taken all my life and I'm still broken. I am so much the person you are describing. In my heart I always knew things should not have been that way. I would pray for God to give me the strength and ability to survive and to find a way to support myself so I could move out when I was old enough. This is when I was a child!
Lisa, thank you ❤️ I just ended a 13.5 year relationship with my partner. He doesn't believe in boundaries, he says all they do is put up walls. He doesn't believe in self- love, that it is an idiotic concept and he says people don't need to heal. That we can just change with a snap of our fingers. You have brought so much awareness to my life and I am FOREVER GRATEFUL for you!
I notice this in my oldest sister.....she is selflesss & I never see her express emotions - when I wake up so many times I feel so much anxiety that I reach out to a narcissistic friend......this video confirms for me what I’m doing & that I have to feel and process my negative feelings myself so I don’t reach out to negative influences to “soothe myself”......which is an illusion! TY Lisa 🌸🌺
My Mom has always put me down, ignored my opinion, thoughts, feelings, has told me for years I will NOT go to heaven because I am not Mormon and beat me, punished me in numerous ways. It took me years to feel worthy of most everything. I have was never told I was loved, never hugged.
Lisa, you are the "spiritual mother", I needed these past 34yrs. Thank You, so much for teaching me being selflessness isn't helpful for you or the individuals you are being selfless for. This is has mentally kept me entrapped for decades.
Exhausted! After seeing my doctor over and over, blood tests were fine and she had no answer to my sheer exhaustion. Then i realized it was trying to do so much for family and friends, being on the phone countless hours to friends who were down, running errands, and not saying no. Thank you for this awakening. Growing up i always had the need to protect my mom from the abuse of my father. I never knew who i was or what self love meant. On the road to finding my self. Thank you Lisa
I like many others on here have c-PTSD, PTSD and such from childhood abuse, neglect and abandonment. I have much better boundaries today thanks to years of therapy from a great Social Worker and a great Psychologist. Almost two sessions(one each) every 14 days for 11 years. Yes, 11 years! Cost me a fortune and insurance covered little so since I was paying out of pocket, I extracted every cent worth of use from the therapy. I am an INFP, highly sensitive and empath. I am nice as it's part of my soul and being a sob just isn't the way to achive things for me. Clearly defined boundaries to me are one of the best ways to prevent Narcs and other dark triad evil sob from using your niceness against you. Learn to say "no." At 54y, I survived childhood neglect, raped 14 times from age 7-11, failed two grades in school, never finished college and thrived(work for myself for 12 years now and doing ok) while so many who I knew growing up took their own life, got caught up in addictions and such. I learned what not to do from all of them. No one gets in my way anymore to living my life! I use to bow down to my Narc father and tolerated bullying from idiot neighbors, co workers. No more, now since I learned how to put my needs first and proper boundaries in an assertive way while I am still a nice guy.
There's a huge difference between being "nice" and allowing other's to abuse you. We cannot divide people into good and bad people, there are no good or bad people, and we are not able to judge, as we cannot possibly know everything about everyone. We are all connected, so if we are not nice to everyone, we are only hurting ourselves and many others, we're hurting the entire system. I believe we should be "nice" to everyone all the time, and if they try to be abusive to us, we can be "nice" by being a good example for them, as that is all that some people need, and showing them that we are not going to allow them to change our behavior - we should not allow them to make us behave in a "not nice" way, because if we do, we are their slaves, and we are under their control, not free. Everyone, narcissistic or not, deserves to be shown kindness, and all people deserve to see what it looks like to not allow your behavior to be controlled by someone else, to see what is possible. If Lisa decided to not be "nice" to strangers and to only those who "deserved" it, (only those who were kind to her first) we would not have the opportunity to see what is possible, to learn from her example.
Dear Lisa, I have read and watched a lot of material on the subject of selfless. I'm almost 70 and have carried childhood issues into my relationship. you have made me see the issue so clearly. You have lifted me up... Thank you for your insight...
I’ve wondered how as wounded people can turn out to be a narc yet some of us become empaths. Lisa you’ve touched yet again on thoughts I’ve had that narcissists have a dark energy about them. An energy when I feel it makes me want to run for my life. Thank you once again for putting into words what I’ve felt intuitively. ❤ from Mary from Long Island ❤
I'm just learning this in deeper levels right now. My unhealed codependency issues allowed me to personalize the love & compassion I felt for Narcissist Cybersecurity IIA Psyop Players that swarmed me in TH-cam 4+ yrs ago before I found out my Exhubby was a dead CIA Minister. I'm learning to grow in strength from the painful lessons I opened myself up to to by reaching out for connection with like minded souls. TY for your time & channel. I really appreciate your gift.🙏
Lisa said " Domination occurs through trivializing accomplishments, diminishing goals, marginalizing emotions, and weaponizing past pains" ( trivializing, marginalizing, diminishing and weaponzing --- she nailed their playbook ).
This is what Dr Gabor Mate says And he notes that women in particular suffer from more disease (stress related) due to the inability to say no, no, no!
Women are perfectly capable of saying, no. It’s just that our misogynistic culture severely punished women for being assertive. Gabor, of course, doesn’t recognize this.
I’m a woman myself, so I completely understand we’re capable of saying no. But yes we are taught to always say yes, and if we say no we have to deal with negative repercussions. It’s our right to say no! Learning that helped change my life. God bless you
I never heard the term LOVE YOURSELF ... Growing up. I am 57 now i am still learning what that is. My mom never openly talked about things. I heard the term 2 yrs ago n i was like what is that. I still dont know who i am. Im a mom. I raised my children n now im alone. I took care of everyone n no one takes care of me.
Think about the people you admire or respect, look up to, wish you were like…. They are NICE. They are giving…. BUT…. They are ALSO very FIRM AND GRUFF with you, if you cross THEIR line(s).
Love this Lisa!!! After 17 years…. I finally made the decision that I was no longer willing to live in a toxic and dysfunctional relationship. Thanks for bringing in the light!!❤️
Lisa, this is one of the best videos you have ever made. This little bit of knowledge changed my life. "Jesus said, "If those who lead you say to you, 'See, the kingdom is in the sky,' then the birds of the sky will precede you. If they say to you, 'It is in the sea,' then the fish will precede you. Rather, the kingdom is inside of you, and it is outside of you. When you come to know yourselves, then you will become known, and you will realize that it is you who are the sons of the living father. But if you will not know yourselves, you dwell in poverty and it is you who are that poverty." The Gospel of Thomas Verse 3 Lambden translation.
Lisa you help me tremendously. At the same time I'm in my 40s and over the bullshit and just want to be as far away from people as I can. I'm convinced they're not worth it. I never heard of a narcissistic dog.
You are awesome, and you don't even realise that God is using you to reach the multitudes of hurting people world wide. I live in New Zealand 🇳🇿 and you have truly touched my soul. Thank you Lisa.
I read Lisa's book "My Road Beyond The Codependent Divorce" completely the first time I opened it.. ... I just want to encourage every body to read it, it's an eye opener and a soul soother for the hope it brings.. which is necessary to combat the thoughts and feelings that can overcome you when you realize your life has consisted of abandoning yourself.. and THANK YOU Lisa, for sharing your thoughts and beliefs so freely. You honestly have changed my life.
Lisa thank you so much from your channel. All my life I’ve been a doormat to everyone to step on because I’ve always been empathetic towards everyone, kind and friendly, always smiling, even when I feel they hurt me or disrespected me. I currently live with my narcissist psychopath ex-bf, who has completely broken me down, in every way for past 16 years. He’s so cruel to me, he either ignores me, hurts me with his silent treatment neglects me or when does, he talks down to me, calls me every name in the book, yells and complains about everything I do. He wants to discard me and kick me out of the house, but I can’t move because of financial reasons. So I have to walk on eggshells every day, since I’m living under his roof, he pays the big bills, and I do my part by getting all the groceries and keep the house clean and spotless. I know I’m definitely codependent following my mother’s footsteps, as my dad used to emotionally and physically abuse both me and my mom. Unfortunately, I’ve ended up in same situation but without physical abuse. Last year with COVID I was laid off from a stable job and since then I’ve worked small part-time jobs and receive unemployment but it’s not enough for me to just pickup and move out, I don’t have any family member or friends who I can go to. Or I would have left him by now, And he knows that, so he continues to wear me down with his insults and silent treatment. I have 2 cats, one who is 15 years old and has diabetes so I have to take her to vet every few weeks and get her insulin which is very expensive and car payments too. But with recently finding Lisa’s channel and others on TH-cam, it’s actually opening my eyes to soooo many things that I DO, that allows this monster to disrespect and abuse me mentally and emotionally. By reading all the other comments from the community, is also helping me feel a little more empowered, every day, and I don’t feel as pathetic, hopeless and alone anymore. I’m so happy I found this channel. I’m going to try my hardest to not be so nice and kind towards him.
Thank you for another great one Lisa. However I do believe that more than words said to them, children pick up on the energies of those close to them. Just like ur ex could smell a needy woman, children can smell if there’s love, if there’s ease, if their needs can be met or they have to switch on their survival mode. There’s an old episode of Oprah where a 3 year old girl constantly talks about how fat and ugly she is, and although her mom never said things like that to her, the girl picked it up from how the mom felt about herself. It’s here on TH-cam somewhere. Love u
You've just described me as a child. Family life ,now am on my own its my time loving me for the first time in my life, the narc journey as taught me so many things about myself, loving everything about me ,healing,whole complete every decided I've made in my life has led me to this day ,am free ,I don't regret anything I am me .
I needed to hear this! Thank you I didn't realize I was using it as a distraction until I really started seeing how comfortable people were with dismissing me and stroking their egos
@@dennisrobinson8008 Yes I absolutely was,I survived one MUCH more powerful than him before I was with him and rebuilt myself quite strongly. I think he was trying to see if he could get me back to that point and feel the type of power himself.What was hilarious is that I was already put on game and saw it a mile away. I dissected him mentally and had a little experiment of my own.
Lisa thank you immensely. You are saving my life these past few weeks. And I am hoping I can take your classes once I get back on track. I'm currently in a spot where I am completely controlled by bf, narc. So, one little thing a day I am making progress and I know I AM confident for my breakthrough and escape. Going no contact moving forward. Working on myself to help with my emotional response. Long way to go, but I KNOW it is worth it. Hugs and love to you and what you have been through, to share with us and be of HELP and guidance from a POSITIVE place and with support. We love you!❤🙏🏼😇
Who am I when I’m not being pliable and nice? I get resentful because I don’t know how to get respect ✊🏿 from people? How do you have reciprocal relationships? Also, Can you become a person with bi-polar or BPD? From the abuse?
Great video! Thanks Lisa! I have been doing the work and have finally gotten to a place where I do love myself. It has made all the difference in my life...left a narsasstic relationship, dropped 70 pounds, blood pressure is finally normal, stopped drinking, sleep through the night, and so much more. I have much more work to do and I really enjoy the process and journey (even the uncomfortable parts). Handling strong emotions is key for me. Thanks again Lisa!
I’m just beginning to open my eyes, with Lisa’s videos. I’m so happy for you, I really hope I get to the point you’re at. I’m still living with my narcissist tormentor of 16 years, financially I can’t just yet. Looking for stable work. I want to stop drinking to numb myself from his abuse, I want to work out again to lose the weight, and sleep peacefully without waking with panic attacks. I want to be happy and healthy, but as long as I’m stuck here, it’s so hard. So hard. But I’m going to try.
profound thing you said..the kindness you give has to come from within. Reminds me what RuPaul always says.."if you can't love yourself, how the hell can you love anyone else?" Its really hard to break the people pleasing. I have gotten better with boundaries, and just avoiding people who are like that...but there comes times where i am afraid to speak up. Being the peacemaker and in btwn of all fights at home, i was raised to be a people pleaser.."what will people say" ran a lot in my house.
My spirit is doing backflips and cartwheels! I am resonating with everything in this talk. Thank you Lisa for sharing so much wisdom and truth. For so long I have felt like I have had no legs. Everything I tried to be, do, create has crumbled, ended in burn out and exhaustion. I have never had a solid foundation to build on- a healthy sense of self. I understand now it is the omission of empathy, encouragement, affirmation, warmth, affection, love, nurturing, joy, relationship, open and fair communication, inclusion… Also the impact of narcissism; blame, guilt, shame, character assassination, criticism, judgement, triangulation, codependency and the absolute denial, blame shifting, emotional dumping and scapegoating that is normal in our family. The alcoholism seems like the easy bit to understand compared to all these invisible emotional, vibrational, energetic elements! The part about handling strong, powerful, dark emotions is SO helpful. I am now in ACA working the 12 steps and experiencing a reconnection with years of stuffed feelings. With your help and an amazing ACA sponsor I am learning how to cope with the triggers when they arise. I am learning to connect with my inner family (0-40 years ) to slow my life right down and simplify everything to cope with the feeling of overwhelm. Sometimes the grief feels like a huge crashing wave that comes over me and I can hardly breathe. In those moments I use Yin Yoga to breathe deeply and help my body to release the tension. My root chakra is often aching with tension and this also helps to ease the physical pain. I am using the self-check ins regularly throughout each day to stop and ask myself how I feel. I keep a journal open on my phone so I can write as much as I need to until I am clearer about where the feelings are coming from. I am learning that my inner critics/ego appear when they think I am ‘breaking the rules’ and recognising that they have served a purpose in trying to keep me safe but now I inform them that I am reparenting myself with love, gentleness and humour. It is ok to allow my authentic self to emerge one day at a time and to listen, understand and meet my own needs. If you have any other practical advise about how to handle the strong emotions I would love to hear. I know this takes time. Raising healthy children takes time and practice :) I am convinced that emotional well-being is the root of most of my issues today and that this work is worth every step that we take 🙏🏼 And YEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS to the divine feminine creative energy 💖💯💖💯🙌🏼💯💖💯💖💯
Right now in my situation I have come to the conclusion that if I continue to be nice and show love to this person that I believe is just out to hurt me he has no fuel to use against me and as angry as it makes him that I will not respond to his destructive ways I feel better about myself that I showed him love and understanding. I will continue to pray and be what God teaches me to be through scripture, prayer and hope in return he will change his ways and become a Christ follower like myself and that is all you need to truly change and become a new person. I have dealt with the same things he is dealing with right now and If I can change I have hope through Christ that He will change him the same way he changed me. ❤
Lisa's insights and heart has helped me understand the impacts of growing up with alcoholic parents. I am learning how to greive that child. Thank you❤
I love this woman. Me and my mom watch her together. I feel very lucky to be able to grow with my mother. It's nice to find a genuine person on TH-cam who actually walks the talk. Who actually practices what they preached and made it to the other side. You are a earth angel and I'm so thankful for you. I just got a job and bc of her payment plans I can afford to take her classes soon. What a class act. She isn't just in it for the money this is her life calling but also deserves all the prosperity and abundance that comes her way.
Maegan you said it perfectly. Her videos have literally saved my life. ❤️🩹 🙏🏻
@@KateStantonSings yes I totally relate..
I was groomed in my childhood to behave this way. It has caused me so much pain and loss, including the loss of my authentic self and trusting red flags 🚩
@@KateStantonSings 💔 I’m so sorry.
How lovely to know that we are not alone and there is nothing wrong with us. Love to you all.
@xSalted Caramel wow 😯 this is exactly what my mom and her familytold me when I was growing up. They said that life and the living is for other people and not me. They even convinced me by conspiring with an evil therapist that I am my 4 year old cousin child who has a severe brain disease and can’t sleep, can’t eat, can’t drink and when I volunteered for autistic kids before that they tried to tell me she has autism which she doesn’t have and also sent her mother to that autism children organization and she cried and pretended that she was grateful I was helping and then said that my other cousins want to join and help and then they told another volunteer to scare me and tell me police said they will close the organization and put us in prison for volunteering and that I should save my dad and protect my dad who conspired with them too. They all were trying to corrupt my mind to think that I have degenerative brain disease, that I am an alcoholic, a sex addict, a gay woman going to hell, an insane person and that I am a fallen woman and to think that my husband who loved me and they broke our marriage is my mother’s brother who abused me sexually, touched my breasts and to think that my kind husband who loved me is my cousin who abused me and they told me to think that is why they tried to tell me I have that brain disease that has no cure and that probably is caused by that my uncle married his direct cousin and also my other cousins were born with an illness in their stomachs because their parents are direct cousins. They were telling me to think that they are God and that God is abusing me and that I can’t pray to God because it is as if I am praying to abusers and to think that they are victims of God and to scapegoat God. That is what they were trying to corrupt my mind to think by conspiring with evil therapists. They were 50 or more people in my mother’s family, my sisters, therapists, coaches conspiring against me, turning me against my dad, my dad’s family, turning my dad and his family against me and turning me against my ex husband and his family and turning my ex husband and his family against me. I hope that I will be able to overcome the trauma of them destroying everything in my existence including my health, faith, marriage, masters studies, job with my dad, financial situation, friendships, instincts, impulses, trust, discipline, time management, focus.
I hate it when people go on about 'killing them with kindness' when someone has abused you. Why not just invite them to destroy you?
Its true. But I think they don't mean full on daily abusers . They mean those people who could have a really bad life and probably get treated like crap so much that it finally makes them go crazy on people in a grocery store. And they start yelling at you if you didn't do something perfectly.
Anytime I encounter someone in public or at work and they are VERY rude and mean I just take a deep breath and continue to be friendly and nice. (I have anxiety disorder too lol) They end up leaving with a smile on their face calling me "honey" or "sweetie"
OR.... they are even still really angry but apologize LOL
Honestly its the best feeling in the world!!!! But I grew up abused , and I agree it is NOT okay to treat people like crap. Its basically kissing ass. But it Honestly really does feel good not to be angry or affected by frustration and angry people.
I have alot of disorders that make me an anxious, nervous, highly sensitive person.
So it's difficult, but so satisfying when you try to learn where someone may be coming from. If they want to stay an arsehole, so be it! But I won't become them if that's what they want!!! 🤣
Men_tal ill_ness is a thing to keep in mind too! ... that's so important. There could be something really wrong with them
Whoa sorry u don't gotta read that. It was a rant 🤣😅
“Killing with kindness” has me maintaining control. Not allowing someone or thing ruining my day. I stopped taking things personally a long time ago. If one is rude and a bully, this is their issue, nor mine. I continue on. What I learned is: “People see in me what they are not.” I was told I cared too much (was attentive towards children that had been abused - physically, mentally & sexually) , too honest (because I documented the facts) and worked too hard (got my work completed and asked if others needed help - I would feed anyone who could mot feed themselves even if I went without my meal as it was important they eat to heal - open wounds from hot water dunking. I’m bad was the message. I was okay with any criticism as I was doing what needed to be done. Daily I was told I was spoiling the children as I was attentive to their needs. Children that are abused either are withdrawn, say nothing or whine a lot. I wanted them to feel safe. While doing my documentation I would bring them in my environment and acknowledge them. One day I got so tired of being told I was spoiling the children, I turned to all and said, “I only know how my mom treated me when I was sick” and that created every person present to evaluate how they were treated. What a rise of unhappiness within some of these people. Some I watched abuse other clients and interjected of coarse. That was something else they did not like. Not my issueS. Nor was I going to allow this inappropriate behavior to stand. Yes, in the end they wanted to destroy me. Not my issue. I ask myself why was I put into a position to observe the things I had. I feel the lord uses people to do things that need to be done. If I said nothing I could not have peace within as the act(s) were blatantly a personal issue that needed to be resolved. I was never a groupie nor played follower to inappropriate behavior. I have always tried to live a Christ like life. Doing the right things in life is not always easy as others “see in you what they are not” and hopefully encourages them to do the right thing. Learn who you are and maintain those boundaries. Know-one can make you feel any way if you know who you are.
I was once told to “kill them with kindness” when a customer was rude to me… I almost ask what they thought I was doing before! It’s disgusting how much CS caters to rude people in general..
@@nancycrisman7496 awesome comment. I screenshot all of it.
I have trouble with boundaries because I'm an empath and am too nice because I don't like others to be upset and also I don't like others to be either upset with me or because of me. I was raised to be a people pleaser.
I know the feeling This video needs to be watched over and over. It says it all.. Thank you LISA
@@audreypistor4610 Yes, I agree. I love Lisa's openness and sharing with us, she's so kind and caring. 🌸
@77ranko Wow! Thank you so very much for taking the time to share all of this. You explained it so well from many perspectives for me, I just love your clear response as I found it so helpful that I plan to write it down for my own personal use. Thank you again! 💜
I lived this way also. Now, I am alone most of the time. If you don't change, nothing changes. It's never too late to develop a little bitchiness (excuse the language). Tough love does work sometimes!
Bless you and learn to love yourself!☀️
@@d-marierasberry3449 Thank you. 💜
Two things which really thrill these monsters:
*turning friends, family, and authorities against you;
*getting you to return for another dogfoodbowl of abuse
Wow
We have a son n law that purposely abused & tortured our daughter's 2 oldest boys from the time they were toddlers, they are 1 yr 3 weeks apart, they are not his kids, they are hurting very bad from their childhood abuse, it was 1st degree Aggravated Premeditated cruelty with malicious intent, he planned to do things to them when they got older, which he followed through with it, our state has a severe case against him, he has not ever paid for what he did to them, he also bullies me for standing up to them, he is a severe Malignant Narcissist with some sadism too, the boys are 21 & 20, their is a younger one that is his with our daughter he is 18, he witnessed his dad beat & torture his brothers, now he threatens them not to tell me anything he did to them especially when they were living in a certain place that I couldn't protect them cause of we were in a different county, same state, the case is so severe he is looking at 25 yrs to life, he comes from a Narcissistic family they are all cruel, both parents, I'm the only one that has fought the state defacs & even took the case to our state senate office & sent them the case I had typed up, they sent a copy to the head of defacs telling them to help me, I went to the children's rights organization & every place & now have a lawyer going to take more serious action now.
My mom and father always told me be kind, be nice don’t be rude disrespectful and just ignore it it’ll go away but that they never taught me to stand up for myself to not let people walk all over me because I’m kind all the time, I’ve been called your so nice, your too kind, I don’t mind being sweet but it’s like there’s no way to talk without being pushed around because I don’t know how to establish a back bone.
Trust me, you are not "too nice"...
The world isn't nice enough !
But as a people pleaser myself I kick myself for doing stupid things. Like doing things I DON'T want to do, or giving things away I really didn't want to give away.
I don't regret being kind I regret letting people walk all over me too.
I think the REAL FEAR we need to actually worry about the most are Narcissistic people. They looooove sweet, vulnerable people 🤣
I've come to think they are just pretty pathetic and have nothing better going for themselves. They must nkt be able to "help it" So what's really to fear? To fear them is to give in and I'm not doing that anymore. It sucks that I can't just stay happy and kind, but that's life.
Please don't let people walk all over you.
You are wonderful, kind, and strong . If people want to be miserable after you show your kindness, SO BE IT. Let it be. And if they don't stop , push them away from your life
My parents tried teaching me the same thing, but I think I was just too honest for my own good and I wasn’t one to easily hide emotions. So, if I was angry I usually expressed it outright; verbally or physically. I have mostly been a free thinker with a fairly low boiling point. Rude people and bullies won’t just go away if you ignore them or comply. If you do that you are just rewarding them for their toxic behavior. Also, the golden rule applies both ways. If someone treats you like crap, then that is how they want to be treated. So why not oblige them? I would rather not verbally engage with a narcissist, since they won’t hear you anyway. My mom has always had some sort of malevolence in her. She would preach the words of nobility, but would non verbally make exceptions for herself. We were only Methodist, so I wasn’t deeply indoctrinated with religion and never bought the whole thing. I think the one thing my mom said that was the big red flag, was when I blew through the ez- pass lane without an ez-pass or cash and had to turn my plates in, I got a bunch of grief for it. Then I said to my mom, “I guess I tested the bounds of your love.” And she said, “Yup.” I was very codependent at the time, and knew she wasn’t genuine earlier in my childhood and mocked my sadness, gaslighted my frustration, withheld love out of disapproval, and told me she wished I was never born. My dad is too whipped and dissonant to call her out, plus his hearing is near gone and he won’t get a hearing aid, which only tells me that he doesn’t care to hear or listen to any one. I was mostly a lone wolf with few long term friends, and trust issues, so I just try to weed out toxicity as much as I can. I just get annoyed and wish people would drop the kindness act. It’s a facet. If I want to find real unconditional love, I turn to dogs and my cat. I’m tired of the charades that people play.
@@sidewaysonhighways "tired of the charades that people play". so true; animals r more honest with their emotions which r revealed in body language - speaks louder than words. Much depends on our own perceptions/interpretations which N.s love to confuse us with their pretentions.
@@sidewaysonhighways Yes I get it I have a dog that gives me more unconditional love then my own family ..I agree charades people play are so fake I am tired of it..
I was always taught to "turn the other cheek". I made sure to teach my 4 children the opposite (chose your battles but always stand up for yourself and always trust your intuition).
I was too nice.
A sure sign of a destructive relationship is the one-up game. Abused adult children may have experienced this with a jealous mother or raging father. For instance, when an innocent child comes home from school and is proud of a good grade only to get knocked down with a snide remark by one of their parents. In adult relationships, you will notice this when one of the partners expresses vulnerability and that share is weaponized.
When we are in relationships with people who suffer from incredibly wounded egos, we don’t always understand the cost this takes on us personally. A narcissist is someone who MUST dominate and control. Domination occurs through trivializing accomplishments, diminishing goals, marginalizing emotions, and weaponizing past pains.
When we are abused adult children, we don’t always know what healthy looks like. Many of us stay in demeaning relationships because we don’t know how to stand up for the self. When the ones we love have programmed us to believe our accomplishments mean nothing, we don’t have the data to know how to expect others to offer us respect.
One of the most important things we can do is to become aware of how damaging the one-up game is. Partners should not demean or demoralize one another and vulnerabilities should be honored, not exploited. The next time someone plays the one-up game with you, recognize this as a sign of wishing to gain power over you. Keeping you small is the way people like this make themselves feel big.
If someone reveals that they are not to be trusted with your vulnerabilities, accomplishments, pains, dreams, or goals, do yourself a favor and get a journal. Instead of sharing with people who enjoy the one-up game, hold onto all of that deliciousness for yourself and share it in your journal.
If you know someone has the ability to use your vulnerabilities against you, it is time to learn about what NOT to share.
Hold onto yourself Dear One--you got this!
#emotionalabuse #codependency #codependencyrecovery #niceguysyndrome #peoplepleaser #lisaaromano #selflove #selfcare #selflessness #acoa
I remember you saying this years ago so I stopped telling my mother & husband anything they could use against me later. I eventually stopped speaking to her at all, because even 5 min conversations were turned into opportunities to throw darts at me. I decided I didnt deserve that behavior, and despite family pressure , Ive been no contact with her for 3 years.
My marriage & family business arent so easy to walk away from, BUT I no longer get dragged down the rabbitt hole of thinking "if I could just make him see how much I love him he'll understand he's wrong to treat me so badly" NOPE. NADA. Dont even want that T-shirt!! Not my fault. Not my responsibility. Not my circus. Im no longer riding that train to Crazytown.....
Thank you for reminding me that Im not being selfish by requiring ppl to behave in a civil manner towards me or they can go darken someone else's door (soul). Namaste
I don’t know how to not share! I’m trying to learn. I am underdeveloped I feel naïve about people and the world. Sometimes I feel like I’m 5 years old like I look at everyone from this lens that they are like me! Wrong I’ve been taken advantage of by partners and business people. I also loose relationships And I take a serious hit!
I love you lisa
Oh Lisa, you have NO IDEA how much I could be your poster child. I am your lesson entity.
@@OneWhoKnowz I lots of times feel like my mind was shortchanged. Why don't I know what others know. From childhood I've felt one step behind.
Kinda pisses me off.
We are trained to be nice all the time.
1. This is what the abuser must do so that the abuse can easily continue.
2. It then teaches us that we should not expect anything in return for our kindness.
3. Using God against us is just another aspect of fear. When we no longer fear the abuser this is their next level of control. This is the abuser becoming your God.
4. Being nice to the abuser because we fear God will punish us is the control over us.
5. So we were taught it is a sin against God to be rude to the abuser and refuse the abuse.
It is all a huge lie. God did not create you to be a compliant servant to your abuser.
Thank you for helping us free our minds. That is the first step in our full freedom.💕💕💕
Thank you so true..
Awesome.
@perfectly I just left a comment that when Lisa talked about spirituality in this, it occurred to me later that Jesus told us to "Love others AS we love ourSELVES"---He never said to love others MORE THAN ourselves!
When I read the Gospels, I see that Jesus was no doormat. Yes, on the cross He prayed "Father forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing," BUT, He left places where He was persecuted. In fact, He said "When you are persecuted in one place, flee to another." Profound insights there.
I thought I was being noble to return kindness for cruelty, but all I did by forgiving ppl who never repented of harming me was, I gave them permission to keep harming me. Smh
YES..
@@Nicki7208 Exactly.
Believe me, I’ve learned the hard way many times that being nice to ppl just doesn’t work. They just sets you up to be used snd taken advantage of. I’ve been screwed and scammed out of thousands of dollars being selfless and this nice person. My own kids come at me and treat me like a cash cow. Women just need to grow balls, and start telling ppl no. Just say no. Had I said no, I never would’ve gotten myself in some situations that could have easily been avoided by saying no. Take care of yourself first, everybody else last, and don’t feel guilty when someone calls you a selfish ---. It’s ok to be selfish. Yeah I’m selfish and I’m proud of it.
That's exactly why I've become more blunt and direct with people and if we argue about it then so be it but you're not going to keep disrespecting me. I steer clear from and will not pursue a person that I don't get along with, I don't care how GOOD the woman looks. Self love, self respect, and a peace of mind is mandatory for me.
same here. I want people to know I am not a walkover
Lol
Its a EVIL narcissist thats a partner w my son and mother ,, of my 2 grandchildren,,, HE has no idea what the hell to do w her and the children are learning her insanity !!!!!!!!!!
Being nice all the time.
Makes life worst.
This specified as people
pleasers.
Being nice should be
an extension of.
Cause and effect that
rectified purpose.
For all those involved.
There are people that
feed off. The nice and
kind mannerisms of
others as well. Which is
preferred to as users.
Family members has the
tendency of taking full
advantage of their loveones
too. Therefore saying the
word no. Clarifies the answer
to a question.
Even nice people. Will draw
the line to being nice. And
not feel guilty for doing so.
Yes! Nice people do have a final line you can't cross. When we are done, we are done!
@@realhealing7802
Amen!
It doesn't matter if you give up yourself to others or finally stick up for yourself and say no, people will hate you no matter what. I just learned to let it go in one ear and out the other.
Thank you Lisa! 💕
This one hits deep for me. Being nice is mentally, physically & emotionally exhausting. And the guilt that follows the rare times we actually say no & put ourselves first, is a total mental torture.
Your right
It's better to be "nice" by being a good example, and we should be nice to everyone, as everyone deserves to see what is possible.
Omg this
YES!!! WHY?!?!? !!!! I've wondered my entire life and been treated like CRAP for it!!!! TY for this video!!!!
@@christianpulisic7784 Thank you.😊
@@desireericheymesser1951 yep
Same
I have always been the giver. Even at my church people take advantage. They know my situation and take advantage of that. And it is wrong. Not sure how to deal with it. I am a VERY selfless person. I have started working on saying no. I am finally taking time for myself and working out everyday...
Good for you!! ... you DO know how to handle it bc you just stated that you started saying no. You go😍! And GROW!🙏🏼❤
Big ((Hugs)) to you!!!
The church, praying with your fellow human on a Sunday, then they pray on thier fellow human on a Monday.
Good video. My neighbours regularly take advantage of me and try to be charming to get round me, but I have stopped being nice and they hate it. I was nice before.. but now they are only nice when they want something and when I say no, they gaslight me. I know their game now.
When I left my ex covert physcopath ex husband and started taking care of myself...I got accused of "Life being all about me." Words according to my grown daughter. 🙄I had to tell her that "No. I am taking care of myself." I have also had to tell her that I am not the scapegoat of the family anymore. No contact for awhile now. 😄
Thank you Lisa for this video.😍🙏💪🌹
Maybe "Love" needs to be redefined like you are talking about. "Light of our own Soul. Speak the truth of who I am."
Yes!
This is me. :( I try not to be so nice but I am a sweet soul and want everyone to get along. It backfires on me and I get burnt by the people I am nice to. 😓
YES OVER AND OVER AGAIN WE NEED TO CHANGE OUR THINKING AND START TO RESPOND DIFFERENTLY , i GET IT.i AM WORKING ON THAT TOO.
@@audreypistor4610 same. To me, its easier to grow my nails than that... and I cannot grow my nails for nothing lol
❤️
Yes, be selfless, but please don't bow down to wickedness. They give sickness. 🤧🤒🤕
This explains why I’ve kept attracting narcissists my whole life and they were abusive awful personalities!
This is my-life to a T .. I’m 58 in August and I’m doing the work finely.. ❤️
Good for you beauty!! Keep go...groWing!💪🏽🙏🏼❤💫
Awesome sauce, girlfriend!! 😇
My mind is blown every time I watch one of Lisa's videos. It's like she's in my brain and my heart. It's always the message I need to hear at the exact moment I need to hear it.
Truth ❤🙏🏼
AMEN!!! I was TOO NICE WHEN I was with the Narcissist...I am sorry that is how I am, that is how I was raised...but I finally realized after he was LOVE BOMBING his new supply which I saw on his phone, I knew that it was time for me to go, to leave and head back home away from him....So THANKFUL I GOT AWAY!!! HOPING THAT HE DOES NOT RETURN....
🙏🏼
I love to help others... yes even the abusers but when I discovered that they were taking advantage of me and even with all my efforts it was never enough but when I wanted their help I was faced with abused, this is when I said no more. I learned to say no and establish boundaries which was very difficult for me because it is not in my nature but I needed to put limit with people or hence I knew the cycle of abuse will repeat. If you give the opportunity to people to exploit you, they will because by letting them exploit you you are indirectly giving them permission to continue. I admit my own responsibility hence I put limit on my level if interaction with others and what I will not tolerate. Was I critisize? Yes. Was I judge? Yes. Was I blamed? Yes. Insulted? Yes. But I least I by distancing I stop giving them the "opportunity" and they got tired of asking because they knew I will not give them what they want. It is still painful but I am getting used to it cause at least now I have peace.
I was thinking about what you said about spirituality, when the words of Jesus came back to me--He actually said to "Love others AS you love yourSELF." It was a profound insight for me, that He never said to love others MORE than ourselves, so why did I ever think I was being a good Christian to subject myself to abusive treatment?
And most importantly, I wasn't being "real" with how I genuinely felt. I was stuffing my feelings down, and feeling what I thought I "should" feel, as if I didn't have a "right" to feel anger and resentment!!!
Also, Jesus said "When you are persecuted in one place flee to another." He NEVER said to stay and take abuse.
This has been me for 73 years. I am presently seeing it all, so now I don't know what to think about my daily life. It's in my nature to be helpful to others. Now I will watch who is receiving and who is taking!
Wow, true. It does make them disrespect you more and I 100% agree wholeheartedly but I was raised to believe two things, that the bigger person walks away and take the high road and doesn't succumb to anger or stopping down to their pathetic antagonistic level or and this was just advice in retail that whenever someone is rude to you, smile, even though every part of yourself doesn't want to, because (retail assistants do take a lot of abuse, we can't argue back with the customers or we'll be had) and I remember Mom saying when someone is irrate be smiley because there's nothing more that infuriates them but you can't be pulled up for anything. These, however I find haven't helped myself it's just causing me to be further disrespected so I stop being my warm friendly self and deal with them as an unpleasant customer, I don't need to answer them back, it's just a look, of I'm not taking this but I'll be professional about it. If wheelchair abusers start I stand taller. Considering that they need help some can be downright cruel but I have to think it shows them up to the world what a nasty horrible unpleasant person they are and I've stopped apologising to my family my sister once said to me by apologising people think they're in the right (I might think I'm being te bigger person) but I'm not. Being the bigger person leads to resentment and anger issues. You don't feel good about being able to have that kind of strength however isn't that a little like gray rock or very low contact and that's the only way to win?
Finally making sense of this dark place that is swallowing me. I've been the designated caregiver for my father for 13 years after my mother died of cancer. I even retired from my teaching career (which I loved) to care for him. He is now 95. Now my husband is in stage four COPD. I have to find a road back to myself. Thank you Lisa for being comprehensively honest and real about the situation. No superficial answers. You are Willing to go deep.💕
I wish for us all to be able to open ourselves up to change and love, especially love for ourselves. We deserve it. 🙂
I tell my girls every day I love them and ask how they feel through out the day and we have mommy and me talking sessions lol they act like I'm annoying and then get sad if we miss one lol 🤣
Good for you!! Keep going ... and GROWING🙏🏼❤😇👑💪🏽💫
Wish I had this
My childhood damaged me so much
I'm broken but I'm trying to fit all my broken parts back together. It's taken all my life and I'm still broken. I am so much the person you are describing. In my heart I always knew things should not have been that way. I would pray for God to give me the strength and ability to survive and to find a way to support myself so I could move out when I was old enough. This is when I was a child!
Lisa, thank you ❤️ I just ended a 13.5 year relationship with my partner. He doesn't believe in boundaries, he says all they do is put up walls. He doesn't believe in self- love, that it is an idiotic concept and he says people don't need to heal. That we can just change with a snap of our fingers. You have brought so much awareness to my life and I am FOREVER GRATEFUL for you!
I notice this in my oldest sister.....she is selflesss & I never see her express emotions - when I wake up so many times I feel so much anxiety that I reach out to a narcissistic friend......this video confirms for me what I’m doing & that I have to feel and process my negative feelings myself so I don’t reach out to negative influences to “soothe myself”......which is an illusion! TY Lisa 🌸🌺
My Mom has always put me down, ignored my opinion, thoughts, feelings, has told me for years I will NOT go to heaven because I am not Mormon and beat me, punished me in numerous ways. It took me years to feel worthy of most everything. I have was never told I was loved, never hugged.
7:20 "You don't have to tell a child that you think they are ugly. Just never tell them that they're beautiful."
Lisa, you are the "spiritual mother", I needed these past 34yrs. Thank You, so much for teaching me being selflessness isn't helpful for you or the individuals you are being selfless for. This is has mentally kept me
entrapped for decades.
Exhausted! After seeing my doctor over and over, blood tests were fine and she had no answer to my sheer exhaustion. Then i realized it was trying to do so much for family and friends, being on the phone countless hours to friends who were down, running errands, and not saying no. Thank you for this awakening. Growing up i always had the need to protect my mom from the abuse of my father. I never knew who i was or what self love meant. On the road to finding my self. Thank you Lisa
Lisa, I'm NOT trying to feed your ego here, but you ARE a cosmic teacher and inspiration. 👍
Lisa, I’m very grateful I found your channel.
it is an honor to serve your light!
'Enter into the light of your own soul and then expand that' - Love you Lisa x
I like many others on here have c-PTSD, PTSD and such from childhood abuse, neglect and abandonment.
I have much better boundaries today thanks to years of therapy from a great Social Worker and a great Psychologist. Almost two sessions(one each) every 14 days for 11 years. Yes, 11 years! Cost me a fortune and insurance covered little so since I was paying out of pocket, I extracted every cent worth of use from the therapy.
I am an INFP, highly sensitive and empath. I am nice as it's part of my soul and being a sob just isn't the way to achive things for me.
Clearly defined boundaries to me are one of the best ways to prevent Narcs and other dark triad evil sob from using your niceness against you. Learn to say "no."
At 54y, I survived childhood neglect, raped 14 times from age 7-11, failed two grades in school, never finished college and thrived(work for myself for 12 years now and doing ok) while so many who I knew growing up took their own life, got caught up in addictions and such. I learned what not to do from all of them.
No one gets in my way anymore to living my life! I use to bow down to my Narc father and tolerated bullying from idiot neighbors, co workers. No more, now since I learned how to put my needs first and proper boundaries in an assertive way while I am still a nice guy.
Actions speak louder than words I don't think children need to hear I love you I think they need to be shown I love you
Being kind felt good before, loving and helping etc. But its not my strength it just a survival technique that keeps backfiring low self esteem.
There's a huge difference between being "nice" and allowing other's to abuse you. We cannot divide people into good and bad people, there are no good or bad people, and we are not able to judge, as we cannot possibly know everything about everyone. We are all connected, so if we are not nice to everyone, we are only hurting ourselves and many others, we're hurting the entire system. I believe we should be "nice" to everyone all the time, and if they try to be abusive to us, we can be "nice" by being a good example for them, as that is all that some people need, and showing them that we are not going to allow them to change our behavior - we should not allow them to make us behave in a "not nice" way, because if we do, we are their slaves, and we are under their control, not free.
Everyone, narcissistic or not, deserves to be shown kindness, and all people deserve to see what it looks like to not allow your behavior to be controlled by someone else, to see what is possible. If Lisa decided to not be "nice" to strangers and to only those who "deserved" it, (only those who were kind to her first) we would not have the opportunity to see what is possible, to learn from her example.
I learned this the hard way.
Dear Lisa, I have read and watched a lot of material on the subject of selfless. I'm almost 70 and have carried childhood issues into my relationship. you have made me see the issue so clearly. You have lifted me up... Thank you for your insight...
I’ve wondered how as wounded people can turn out to be a narc yet some of us become empaths. Lisa you’ve touched yet again on thoughts I’ve had that narcissists have a dark energy about them. An energy when I feel it makes me want to run for my life. Thank you once again for putting into words what I’ve felt intuitively. ❤ from Mary from Long Island ❤
I'm just learning this in deeper levels right now. My unhealed codependency issues allowed me to personalize the love & compassion I felt for Narcissist Cybersecurity IIA Psyop Players that swarmed me in TH-cam 4+ yrs ago before I found out my Exhubby was a dead CIA Minister. I'm learning to grow in strength from the painful lessons I opened myself up to to by reaching out for connection with like minded souls. TY for your time & channel. I really appreciate your gift.🙏
Lisa said " Domination occurs through trivializing accomplishments, diminishing goals, marginalizing emotions, and weaponizing past pains" ( trivializing, marginalizing, diminishing and weaponzing --- she nailed their playbook ).
Tell a child that you love them and abuse them, and they will believe that abuse is what love is.
I cant even listen to this right now without breaking down
Sending you gentle hugs 🥰🤗
This is what Dr Gabor Mate says
And he notes that women in particular suffer from more disease (stress related) due to the inability to say no, no, no!
Women are perfectly capable of saying, no. It’s just that our misogynistic culture severely punished women for being assertive. Gabor, of course, doesn’t recognize this.
I’m a woman myself, so I completely understand we’re capable of saying no. But yes we are taught to always say yes, and if we say no we have to deal with negative repercussions.
It’s our right to say no! Learning that helped change my life.
God bless you
I never heard the term LOVE YOURSELF ... Growing up. I am 57 now i am still learning what that is. My mom never openly talked about things. I heard the term 2 yrs ago n i was like what is that. I still dont know who i am. Im a mom. I raised my children n now im alone. I took care of everyone n no one takes care of me.
Think about the people you admire or respect, look up to, wish you were like…. They are NICE. They are giving…. BUT…. They are ALSO very FIRM AND GRUFF with you, if you cross THEIR line(s).
I so so so agree!
Love this Lisa!!! After 17 years…. I finally made the decision that I was no longer willing to live in a toxic and dysfunctional relationship. Thanks for bringing in the light!!❤️
Yes it does!! Be nice to your self diary then if no one is nice how you are to your self shut the door run! Don’t be nice be smart!!!
Lisa, this is one of the best videos you have ever made. This little bit of knowledge changed my life. "Jesus said, "If those who lead you say to you, 'See, the kingdom is in the sky,' then the birds of the sky will precede you. If they say to you, 'It is in the sea,' then the fish will precede you. Rather, the kingdom is inside of you, and it is outside of you. When you come to know yourselves, then you will become known, and you will realize that it is you who are the sons of the living father. But if you will not know yourselves, you dwell in poverty and it is you who are that poverty." The Gospel of Thomas Verse 3 Lambden translation.
Lisa you help me tremendously. At the same time I'm in my 40s and over the bullshit and just want to be as far away from people as I can. I'm convinced they're not worth it. I never heard of a narcissistic dog.
You are awesome, and you don't even realise that God is using you to reach the multitudes of hurting people world wide. I live in New Zealand 🇳🇿 and you have truly touched my soul. Thank you Lisa.
I read Lisa's book "My Road Beyond The Codependent Divorce" completely the first time I opened it.. ... I just want to encourage every body to read it, it's an eye opener and a soul soother for the hope it brings.. which is necessary to combat the thoughts and feelings that can overcome you when you realize your life has consisted of abandoning yourself.. and THANK YOU Lisa, for sharing your thoughts and beliefs so freely. You honestly have changed my life.
They wipe their feet on you more.
Yes!!!!!
This all hits home inside of me. Self awareness is the key for sure. Denial, leaves one stuck.
Lisa thank you so much from your channel. All my life I’ve been a doormat to everyone to step on because I’ve always been empathetic towards everyone, kind and friendly, always smiling, even when I feel they hurt me or disrespected me. I currently live with my narcissist psychopath ex-bf, who has completely broken me down, in every way for past 16 years. He’s so cruel to me, he either ignores me, hurts me with his silent treatment neglects me or when does, he talks down to me, calls me every name in the book, yells and complains about everything I do. He wants to discard me and kick me out of the house, but I can’t move because of financial reasons. So I have to walk on eggshells every day, since I’m living under his roof, he pays the big bills, and I do my part by getting all the groceries and keep the house clean and spotless. I know I’m definitely codependent following my mother’s footsteps, as my dad used to emotionally and physically abuse both me and my mom. Unfortunately, I’ve ended up in same situation but without physical abuse. Last year with COVID I was laid off from a stable job and since then I’ve worked small part-time jobs and receive unemployment but it’s not enough for me to just pickup and move out, I don’t have any family member or friends who I can go to. Or I would have left him by now, And he knows that, so he continues to wear me down with his insults and silent treatment. I have 2 cats, one who is 15 years old and has diabetes so I have to take her to vet every few weeks and get her insulin which is very expensive and car payments too. But with recently finding Lisa’s channel and others on TH-cam, it’s actually opening my eyes to soooo many things that I DO, that allows this monster to disrespect and abuse me mentally and emotionally. By reading all the other comments from the community, is also helping me feel a little more empowered, every day, and I don’t feel as pathetic, hopeless and alone anymore. I’m so happy I found this channel. I’m going to try my hardest to not be so nice and kind towards him.
Thank you for another great one Lisa. However I do believe that more than words said to them, children pick up on the energies of those close to them. Just like ur ex could smell a needy woman, children can smell if there’s love, if there’s ease, if their needs can be met or they have to switch on their survival mode. There’s an old episode of Oprah where a 3 year old girl constantly talks about how fat and ugly she is, and although her mom never said things like that to her, the girl picked it up from how the mom felt about herself. It’s here on TH-cam somewhere. Love u
You've just described me as a child. Family life ,now am on my own its my time loving me for the first time in my life, the narc journey as taught me so many things about myself, loving everything about me ,healing,whole complete every decided I've made in my life has led me to this day ,am free ,I don't regret anything I am me .
I needed to hear this! Thank you I didn't realize I was using it as a distraction until I really started seeing how comfortable people were with dismissing me and stroking their egos
you must've been full of juice
@@dennisrobinson8008 Yes I absolutely was,I survived one MUCH more powerful than him before I was with him and rebuilt myself quite strongly. I think he was trying to see if he could get me back to that point and feel the type of power himself.What was hilarious is that I was already put on game and saw it a mile away. I dissected him mentally and had a little experiment of my own.
@@LuckyOuijaBoy17 The old bait and switch and "g" you for your "stuff". They do that to men and women alike.
Thankyou for explaining the CPTSD response.
I need to watch this twice because you helped me learn al the things that was wrong in my childhood! Damn how did I miss those things?
Lisa thank you immensely. You are saving my life these past few weeks. And I am hoping I can take your classes once I get back on track. I'm currently in a spot where I am completely controlled by bf, narc. So, one little thing a day I am making progress and I know I AM confident for my breakthrough and escape. Going no contact moving forward.
Working on myself to help with my emotional response. Long way to go, but I KNOW it is worth it.
Hugs and love to you and what you have been through, to share with us and be of HELP and guidance from a POSITIVE place and with support. We love you!❤🙏🏼😇
Lisa, we are so lucky to have you as a mentor. Feeling more and more powerful everyday just listening to you. Hugs💖
If someone is capable of evil They no longer exist for me.
It's ok to help as long as people don't demand or make you fell guilty.
Who am I when I’m not being pliable and nice? I get resentful because I don’t know how to get respect ✊🏿 from people? How do you have reciprocal relationships? Also,
Can you become a person with bi-polar or BPD? From the abuse?
Just what I needed to hear..
Thank you ❤️🙏❤️
Your videos bring me so much more than you could ever imagine. Thanks a million for doing what you are doing, Lisa.
Great video! Thanks Lisa! I have been doing the work and have finally gotten to a place where I do love myself. It has made all the difference in my life...left a narsasstic relationship, dropped 70 pounds, blood pressure is finally normal, stopped drinking, sleep through the night, and so much more. I have much more work to do and I really enjoy the process and journey (even the uncomfortable parts). Handling strong emotions is key for me. Thanks again Lisa!
I’m just beginning to open my eyes, with Lisa’s videos. I’m so happy for you, I really hope I get to the point you’re at. I’m still living with my narcissist tormentor of 16 years, financially I can’t just yet. Looking for stable work. I want to stop drinking to numb myself from his abuse, I want to work out again to lose the weight, and sleep peacefully without waking with panic attacks. I want to be happy and healthy, but as long as I’m stuck here, it’s so hard. So hard. But I’m going to try.
Very awesome topic 👍
So true 🙏
Your thumbnail is just superb...
Never BITE the hand that feeds you ! 😡
I just love you so much. Thank you so much for showing up every day
Incredible. So greatful. How to handle emotions. Beautiful. Observe them, let them pass out of you. 🙏
profound thing you said..the kindness you give has to come from within. Reminds me what RuPaul always says.."if you can't love yourself, how the hell can you love anyone else?" Its really hard to break the people pleasing. I have gotten better with boundaries, and just avoiding people who are like that...but there comes times where i am afraid to speak up. Being the peacemaker and in btwn of all fights at home, i was raised to be a people pleaser.."what will people say" ran a lot in my house.
This is a serious issue I have been struggling with my whole life, and never really knew it. I am so blown away by this!
My spirit is doing backflips and cartwheels! I am resonating with everything in this talk. Thank you Lisa for sharing so much wisdom and truth. For so long I have felt like I have had no legs. Everything I tried to be, do, create has crumbled, ended in burn out and exhaustion. I have never had a solid foundation to build on- a healthy sense of self. I understand now it is the omission of empathy, encouragement, affirmation, warmth, affection, love, nurturing, joy, relationship, open and fair communication, inclusion… Also the impact of narcissism; blame, guilt, shame, character assassination, criticism, judgement, triangulation, codependency and the absolute denial, blame shifting, emotional dumping and scapegoating that is normal in our family. The alcoholism seems like the easy bit to understand compared to all these invisible emotional, vibrational, energetic elements!
The part about handling strong, powerful, dark emotions is SO helpful. I am now in ACA working the 12 steps and experiencing a reconnection with years of stuffed feelings. With your help and an amazing ACA sponsor I am learning how to cope with the triggers when they arise. I am learning to connect with my inner family (0-40 years ) to slow my life right down and simplify everything to cope with the feeling of overwhelm. Sometimes the grief feels like a huge crashing wave that comes over me and I can hardly breathe. In those moments I use Yin Yoga to breathe deeply and help my body to release the tension. My root chakra is often aching with tension and this also helps to ease the physical pain. I am using the self-check ins regularly throughout each day to stop and ask myself how I feel. I keep a journal open on my phone so I can write as much as I need to until I am clearer about where the feelings are coming from. I am learning that my inner critics/ego appear when they think I am ‘breaking the rules’ and recognising that they have served a purpose in trying to keep me safe but now I inform them that I am reparenting myself with love, gentleness and humour. It is ok to allow my authentic self to emerge one day at a time and to listen, understand and meet my own needs. If you have any other practical advise about how to handle the strong emotions I would love to hear.
I know this takes time. Raising healthy children takes time and practice :) I am convinced that emotional well-being is the root of most of my issues today and that this work is worth every step that we take 🙏🏼
And YEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS to the divine feminine creative energy 💖💯💖💯🙌🏼💯💖💯💖💯
FAKE IT UNTIL YOU MAKE IT!!!! 🏋️🏋️🏋️🏋️🏋️🏋️
What you say resonates with me as something I need to implement for healthy relationships in my future.
Were have you been all my life ! Glad I found you now !
Thank you so much... ...💙
Thank you for all your videos! I’ve been watching for over a year, and everything you talk about has helped so much!!
Thank you for this one. I've been watching you for 2 years now and this one just really hit me. So helpful thank you.
Helping should not interup your life, or take away any thing that's do you.
Thank you Lisa 😊!!!
THANK you Lisa for being so open and honest about your feelings and your life . I can resonate with so much of what you share. much love to you.
💯INDEED!!!
Right now in my situation I have come to the conclusion that if I continue to be nice and show love to this person that I believe is just out to hurt me he has no fuel to use against me and as angry as it makes him that I will not respond to his destructive ways I feel better about myself that I showed him love and understanding. I will continue to pray and be what God teaches me to be through scripture, prayer and hope in return he will change his ways and become a Christ follower like myself and that is all you need to truly change and become a new person. I have dealt with the same things he is dealing with right now and If I can change I have hope through Christ that He will change him the same way he changed me. ❤
Love you Li❤️
Lisa, you are so intelligent! Thank for educating us.
Lisa's insights and heart has helped me understand the impacts of growing up with alcoholic parents. I am learning how to greive that child. Thank you❤
Grieving our inner child is such a process! Sending you strength! 💪🏻
A veryyy precious, precise and veryy beautiful video hits the nail.