You're used to it so it feels safe. You're afraid that if you become happy you might lose it again, which is scary. If youre already sad you have nothing to lose, that's safer. I think you can find videos on this, on depression and fearing happiness or being more comfortable being depressed.
Not sure. My depression and anxiety is like living in hell and one usually just wants to escape the mental torment - hence the high suicide rate around these ills. With yourself it may be more that you are accepting a life situation that is second best but safe - lacking confidence in yourself to go for better and a happier life
Amodini Choudhary Isn't it because the bad feelings are familiar and therefor "safe" in a weird way? I was so unfamiliar with kindness, so it scared me to begin with. Always expected it to turn into a vicious joke on my behalf. I got used to it gradually, that people not necessary had to be mean, or out to "get" you. Oh, it was a long process, and I had help from occational therapy, though I didn't trust her at all (she's got paid to say nice things to me, duh!) but she planted seeds that would grow long after the sessions were over. End of novel! Have faith, and be kind to yourself. Things don't stays the same. We live, we learn, we grow. 🍒✨
TofuDream I’ve always been afraid to be happy too or get my hopes up... there’s so man6 layers to this..... I’m having major health problems because of the trauma
One other way that children seem to adapt is by overcompensating. I noticed that within myself. I became a major people pleaser and codependent. A lot of people don’t realize that if you see someone giving too much and sacrificing too much that might also be a sign. It’s just something that I figured I’d mention since that is my experience.
Destiny DiMattei yes that’s the fourth “F” called fawning as a survival strategy. Fight, Flight, or Freeze are the other three. I go to flight or freeze in my situation.
I did the same thing. Trying to avoid more trauma by being invisible or as little trouble as possible. I think the people pleasing for me was a desperate attempt for some kind of positive affection.
Destiny, I agree. They can also be somewhat socially withdrawn or fearful of social situations, yet they'll force themselves to appear socially well-adjusted and to give to others while they feel undeserving of any praise, success or love.
I have major childhood trauma and I was still able to learn and succeed in school. School was my “safe” zone even though I was bullied and mistreated by people. I lost myself in my school work to escape the hell.
Jennifer Berry I’m glad you had some good teachers to help you along the way. I had a similar situation in which i was constantly bullied in school, and it also pushed me closer to my school work! Maybe it’s because we feel that’s something we can control? Especially in an environment that seems so uncontrollable.
OMG THAT WAS MY LIFE like I have a Masters but I cant maintain a longterm healthy sexual relationship because of the neglect from parents, emotional abuse from my mother and abuse from kids at school
And I have broken the cycle by overcoming my problems, changing my thoughts and behaviors, receiving an education and teaching my own kids. Half way to my psychologist's license, baby! No more transgenerational trauma is coming from me!
As someone who is experiencing guilt for not going back home for the holidays because of PTSD, this video couldn't have come out at a better time. As always, I appreciate the dedication you put into making these videos! Much love, Kati
@Lynn Honestly, I don't blame you. At the end of the day we need to do what's best for ourselves. I do hope you find a way to have a good time without your dad's family! Stay safe
I too decided it was best for me to not go home for the holiday. I know how I would feel after, so taking care of me had to be the priority! We deserve it!
Lingua...to solve your problem you have to "cut off" the codependency.. Listen to me..many say that to do so you have to move far from your toxic ppl..which is true IN PART..everything once again start from our brain. And here a sense of affection or even Faith if you want can help you. Okay..as codependent we know we lived for our toxics..and we still love them at your point of the SELF REALISATION OF THE EVENTS OF YOUR LIFE. It is fine cause..it is normal untill the Cut off havent been done. Do you want let's do it with me now? Go to that love you feel for them..your mommy..daddy..bro or sis..you are back like a child now...now from this perspective of love..think about THEIR CHILDHOOD ...you will see abusers somewhere around them too..stay in the feeling THEY SUFFERED in those situations...do you see how bad? You live them..you feel sad for them cause you know wt they went through and none helped them..no internet to clarify their own situations..reach out..nothing..they have been entrapped..into a cage of no feelings..no empathy..just to survive.. I know you feel their pain so awfull now..that i ask you TO PERDONE THEM..SEEING THEM TOO AS VICTIMS AS YOU HAVE BEEN TOO..But for them no chance to escape..so..would you..YOU arm againdt them any revenge..any hope they could understand you HAVING FELT HOW THEY WENT CUT IF FROM ANY SIGNIFICANCE IN LIFE JUST TO SURVIVE? leave the hope they will never change..cause since too long their Cut Off from fellings damaged them...THEY CANT ..love us at tbe way we need and would like..it is not that thay would not...they CANT.. PARDONE THEM SO.. YOU PARDONE THEM AND CUT OFF THE BOND OF CODEPENDENCY NOW CAUSE YOU KNOW ALSO HOWUCH THEY ARE TOXIC TO YOU..BUT THEY PAID IN ADVANCE THE BAD THEY UNWILLINGLY DID TO YOU..PARDINE THEM AND MOVE ON.. Stay in this..and after few days you will feel different..detached..ablecto carefully manage thd communucation with your toxics loved ones using time management..setting of inner boundaries and clear plain not aggresdive ASSERTIVE COMMUNICATION to stop any speach that you know already will and with hurting you. I am doing this with mines and I see the difference..now it is me to cut off if they insist and cause I did openly several time mjnes now even if resentful..stops the aggresdion as i stance firmely"You are going to say things that will depress me and cause i dont need thst..lets stop this topic" and cgange openly it.. You have still few days to digest your psychological cut off and self train in assertive sentences jn front of a mirror..go forge your armor..you can keep them only if you will wear it. Hope to have heloed, a huge hug!--&/@ and a virtual rose to you :)
Part of the problem with recognizing childhood abuse and abused children is that the abuse for so many children is their normal, so they don't even know they're being abused, that it's wrong, that it can be different. I've certainly found that to be true for me. I grew up not feeling loved by my parents, but this crazy making mix of terrorized by and yet dependent on them. It's taken me years, even decades to start to recognize it for what it is, let alone start to heal from it and believe I'm worth more.
My parents were extremely neglectful, my father was very emotionally abusive and my mom had stockhome syndrome. I never knew any of these growing up, I just thought people break a leg or dislocate their knee or jaw (all happened to me) and you just wait for it to heal. We weren’t allowed medical help. This has severely damaged my body as I’ve grown up. But it took me till 18ish to start realising all of this stuff was traumatic for me
Omg you said it best!!!! terrorized by yet dependent on them....wow.... this describes my experience with my parents 100%....people who have not been through this kind of abuse - mine was being raised by two pathological narcissists both with borderline tendencies - meant they were terrorists in the home but as their dependent, I was at their mercy for my survival and "well-being"... I'm only now admitting to what kind of monsters with a smile they really were...
If you dig deeper into society, the human race even, then you should come to the realization that everyone is abused; that abuse is the norm which continues, and that the consequence of the messed up human condition right now comes from child abuse. Child abuse still exists; humanity fails to end child abuse because it's abused and damaged. Humanity doesn't agree on what child abuse entails and that all so-called adults are guilty of not breaking the cycle. We're all immature and stupid, causing the same to new people, over and over again because we're too messed up to realize it, too messed up to get others to realize it, let alone stop it.
Ok, this was me as a child. By 2nd grade I was diagnosed with ADHD, but was dealing with physical and verbal abuse at home. So the testing showed I had an IQ of 145 and the school and parents decided I was just lazy. I had teachers tell me they had a better time when I wasn’t there. I was told I was bad. I had a teacher stuff my mouth with paper at recess. I was slapped and hit for things I was doing that screamed abuse. I was in 1st grade in 1967. These things were allowed. I had a horrible first 28 years of life. I’m now 58 and have been in weekly therapy for 3 years and am finally figuring out a lot of things.
@@alekroselle1043 I’ve recently started EMDR with my trauma psychologist and it is AMAZING! I’ve had some wonderful breakthroughs and so far we’ve only been doing the positive thoughts. It’s the first time I realized I may actually get well! ❤️
I just came across your comment, I grew up in the 70’s had a fucked up childhood, and traumatic home environment, I was sexually abused had a learning disability, no one wanted to talk about it, I had no therapy etc…Today I’m 53 I’m still pissed off been holding it in for years, and if it wasn’t for videos like this one I’d still be shutting down😒😒Im looking into therapy soon.
The 1970's wasn't a great period to be gifted at school, one had to play down the achievements and work slowly in class in order to fit in (even though it didn't work 😕 people figured out you were different still which resulted in bullying).
55 and just diagnosed with ADHD. My first grade teacher used to hit me across the back with a yardstick and call me stupid and dumb because I couldn't read. I was petrified of her. I cannot believe there were teachers like her. I would go home everyday and cry and tell my mother how abusive she was. I got her for 2nd grade and finally my mother went to school and demanded that I have another teacher. 55 years goodbye see posts about kids that were abused by this monster.
Another good topic how do you cope with this in adulthood? As a child of trauma. I notice I am starting to have more issues with my past the older I get. I’m 23.
Molly Monk EXCELLENT TOPIC SUGGESTION! I am precisely the same-the effects of growing up in trauma have only shown themselves (in my personal opinion) as I grew older around 17 and onward. It seems to get worse as I age, and I am 28 now and it is horrible. Kati please pursue this topic in a video!!!
I found myself in this very situation as I approached my 22nd birthday this past spring. The only actual thing that has helped was admitting I needed help and going to therapy with a really good and patient professional. It was especially important that she allowed me to slowly build trust and a sense of safety without ever forcing me to open up, so that I could begin autonomously getting glimpses at the essence of my trauma and dismantling the vicious bunch of defense mechanisms I'd entrenched myself behind. It took months of patience and hard work, but things eventually started to work out and fall into place. Therapy is hence essential, because childhood trauma victims NEED TO FEEL SAFE, and the therapeutic space and relationship are meant to provide that before everything else. That said, if you are or have already been in therapy but feel like it's not working, or getting worse, I'd begin wondering whether the approach used by your therapist is right for your case, and/or if your therapists doesn't have what it takes to consistently and safely help you. Long-term psychodynamic therapy works well for me (I don't take meds), but that of course can't apply to every trauma victim. Plus, it might require integration with CBT or other types of therapy (there are so many!) to keep some of the symptoms at bay. But, generally speaking, the explorative talk approach is great for slowly getting a hold of your past. Be safe and good luck!
I was one of the kids that withdrew as a response to the emotional abuse and neglect I experienced in childhood. I just want to point out that if someone had asked me at the age of 6, or 10, or 12, if there was anything wrong at home or if I was being mistreated, I would have said 'no'. I didn't realize it myself until years later. I grew up thinking I was some kind of freak because I didn't feel the way my mother taught me I should feel, and I couldn't find a way to fit in with my peers or my siblings. Admitting that anything was wrong with my parents, even admitting that to myself, would have been impossible. I was extremely uncomfortable when addressed directly by an adult, and would say whatever I thought would make them stop the fastest. I only found out a few years ago that my siblings felt much the same growing up. We had no aunts or uncles, and our grandparents lived thousands of miles away. I don't know how any adult that actually cared enough to try would have been able to reach us and help.
Me too, I belive I was the bad one, my sister so "perfect", my brother was more physically abused by mom firts but my dad put he feet down for him not for me. My mother find people who do abuse or didnt care and also make them say thing that valid her way. My aunt know but didnt know what to do and being realist in 90 all the end of story could be more bad.
I totally relate. I was very shy and a good child and teachers and neighbors loved me, but little did they know what I was dealing with the physical and mental abuse from my parents at home. I was the only child. My parents tried hard to tarnish my good reputation with those people by telling lies about me and teachers even came to me and ask me "what's going on in your house, your parents said you act out. " I couldn't even speak up and define myself, and so I would say nothing.
Physical abuse by Fathers is obvious and very well documented and recorded. But physical and emotional abuse by the human that brings you into the world ie your own mother gets a pass 90% of the time.
Me too man. I do wonder, I was a bully around 16. Teacher talked with me that fellow students complained about my bullying. I just said. Yeah I heard that from them, I am already stopping. End of conversation. I wonder if he would have asked me, why do you bully? Are you angry? With what? You think your parents would be okay with you bullying? I wonder if that would have opend anything in me and if it would have allowed help from outside too come in so that I didnt have too flee from my home and be institutionalized for a week 4 years later. And than I wonder, if I than would have gotten the right help instead of 8 years later just for me, how much of the relationship with my parents would be better/saved and how much better would it have been going for me right now. I think it would have helped me a lot too ask the right question back than too me since there was suspicion of abuse at my home but I was never asked directly. I really hope awareness raises in this. I think its of great importance.
Same here, It wasn't until I was old enough to go over to another school mate's house (age11 or12) did I realize my home life was extremely different and in a negative way. "you can't fix something unless you know how it is broken."
As a child and teen, I was brought up with hatred, violence....absolutely no love and this has rippled into my entire life up until just recently and I was able to rise above it all.
Same. I never knew what love looked like so I had a hard time in relationships. I am so lucky to have finally found someone who truly loves me and I could not be more happy!
When I was a child, I had no idea I was being abused or neglected. I didn't understand that the way I was being treated was wrong or unfair, and I actually believed for a long time that it was my fault and I deserved it. After all, I had nothing to go on but my own experiences. I developed a very strong fear of authority -- to this day I anticipate violent outbursts from bosses or landlords I interact with. I feel that this video has put another puzzle piece in place for me. School was impossible for me, I was in 8th grade the first time I received a passing grade in a class. I was told it was because I was bored in school and not being challenged, but that doesn't explain why I would finish 95 out of 100 questions on math homework and then not turn it in because it wasn't "good enough." I would then be reprimanded, albeit gently, by my teachers because they knew I could pass the tests but couldn't understand why I wasn't willing to put in the work. Truthfully, I don't feel like I was able to do the work at all. Most of my childhood is very foggy to me. I don't remember anything outside of a few very isolated events and general trauma. I just remember the feeling of being wrong, as though I were a burden on my family and teachers. I'm told I had a few friends, but I don't remember them. I'm still trying to understand the memory loss and how it ties into everything else in my childhood. I was fortunate enough to discover theatre at a young age, and once my situation at home became less precarious and I started to have some autonomy, I dove into it headfirst. I've since been a part of around 100 productions and through those innumerable opportunities to meet new people I've found myself a whole new family. I learned how to speak my mind, which I could never do before (I can't emphasize that enough). Suddenly, I didn't have to settle for "good enough mother" anymore. Now, even though I still sometimes have a very strong overreaction to very small stressors, I have a massive community of loved ones who support me and help me through hard times. Thank you for helping so many of us understand why we function the way we do. Knowing is, after all, half the battle. ❤️
I feel you completely since I experience the same. It might not turn violent but that constant defense hasnt left and its so tiring. When it does turn violent it only supports the unwanted defense mechanism. Hang in there.
Wow man ,I have been searching for years how to put this in words. Literally no one understands . I’m 24 now & I don’t understand why I can’t remember child hood stuff. I feel scared to stand up for myself most of the time even though I still do it . Moved out my moms recently but I remember being so stuck and scared in my room . Just to avoid anytype of convo bcus I knew it would trigger me.
Yes it's just a maladaptive survival/emotional regulation technique. My bulimia (i am recovered) was largely caused by childhood abuse and uneducated parents who couldnt provide us with enough. All better now
bryantppierce Exactly, which is why taking away someone’s adaptive strategies (even if it’s something ultimately harmful like substance/alcohol abuse) without replacing it with something good FIRST is harmful and re-traumatizing.
bryantppierce ...drug and alcohol abuse are an attempt to help solve a problem through killing the pain. The question shouldn’t be why the substance problem,,,,,it should be ,,,,,what is truly causing the pain ? Fix the mental pain and the substance abuse problem goes away on it’s own.
I’m 30 now and afraid to have children because I really do not want to cause them any trauma. 😔 my father was very violent and manipulative and my mother was always narcissistic and manipulative.
Same childhood situation... I know what NOT to with my kids. I have 3. All are very chilled out , doing well in school and happy. They know they are loved and valued. People like us need to have kids so there are more of us in the world than the other type You are not your parent.
I was bullied all throughout my childhood and although I feel many people dont count that as trauma it has caused me to have depression and suicidal thoughts and social and generalised anxiety. I have had cbt before but I feel I need therapy focusing on my trauma to really make a difference because one of the most triggering things is the memories that I get reminded of.
Yeah, I honestly don't see how people can say bullying is not traumatic. Bullying is where someone is trying to assert power over you in hurtful ways. Obviously that hurts, especially when you're young.
Hannah Lack It definitely has the potential to be traumatic, and I think people and professionals are catching on to that. To the point that some acknowledge it can even cause PTSD. If you’re regularly terrorized and/or marginalized by the people around you on a near daily basis, why WOULDN’T that produce some trauma? I haven’t finished reading it, but there’s this book called The Bully Society, which you might be interested in if you feel okay reading about that subject matter. Though understandably, it might prove too difficult to read depending on where you are in your recovery from your own trauma.
Bullying is 100% traumatic. Especially for people who haven’t grown up being encouraged or taught resilience. If you’re already sensitive or have self esteem issues, any bullying is traumatic.
I am 47 yrs old and I too was bullied from preschool through adulthood. Honestly, it’s an “ old belief “ that bullying is just part of growing up . I am with you, I too have emotional scars from bullying.... you’re not alone. The trauma is real .
I have eight out of 10. I too was shy and afraid of my own shadow. I feared adults because that is who abused me physically emotionally and sexually. Sorry this happened to you.
Gasp! I can't believe I haven't thought about helping with Spanish subtitles! Not too sure about how that works, but I'd be happy to lend a helping hand if need be. Either way, thank you to those who help with the subtitles!
Kati, with the holidays coming up, I've found that I keep having moments where I'll hear a certain Christmas song that takes me back to the Christmases before my parents divorce (some 20 years ago), and I just break down in tears. It's been catching me really off guard. Could you make a video about how the holidays may affect our mental health in a negative way and what we might be able to do to change that? I always dread this time of year, but I'd love to love the holidays again.
The trouble is what do you do when these children confess to abuse or abusive situations. It has to escalate to police or CPS. And that becomes a problem if it’s not physical abuse or obvious neglect. The options for children are limited.
We definitely need reform in the system - the options for kids are not great right now. Better than they used to be - but nowhere near ideal. Its really sad.
I agree the reality of digging further into childhood abuse thru emotional neglect requires reactive actions by an adult that will destabilize a child's life and unless a child growing into adulthood is wiling to attend to their own life they may expose an adult to feeling dis-empowered by rejecting their assistance. In some cases a child may fear for its capacity to be self reliant and resist shaming the portrait their parents paint as a legitimate household.
I think it's just about being the adult who is there for the child to get the nurturing they are willing to accept from you. They may just want to talk to someone and be validated or they might want a nice meal cooked for them or a cuddle. It's like they say in the video that people look for a surrogate. You can be that surrogate and do it with full awareness and as a collaboration between your self and the child/young person. It can and does make a big difference.
Destiny Lee It's awful. Been there, done that.. I learned a real good way to deal with it. Be your own mum. Comfort yourself, give good healthy advises to yourself. How? Visualise that you have two chairs. First you "sit" on one chair. Then you formulate your dilemma/issue to a parent on the other chair. "Swap" chair. Now you are "parent"and you visualise your child told you this. What would you say if your child said these things to you? Would you be harsh to your child? Would you condemn your child? Would you give bad advise to ypur child? I don't claim it will work for you, but it did for me. I'm a far better mum to myself, than my mum ever were, that's for sure. Give it a go! 😏
Honestly? I never had a “good enough” parent. My parents provided the basics and never hit me but they were so mean and unavailable. So was my extended family. My older brothers, I loved them but they lived far away. My teachers were all mean except for a few, but I was too afraid to open up so I often yelled or misbehaved or just cried..? Ummm... yeah I never had any adult that was there for me. I’m 24 and I have 2 kids now. My “good enough” parent was men, because sex was the only type of closeness I could get. I’m struggling so bad now because I’m in a relationship and I have a few friends and my brother and I are close but I just can’t open up. I can’t hug people I can’t be close. I’m so fucking resentful that I had no adults there for me! EVER!! and now I’m adult and I feel like I’m 6 years old. Yes I’m in therapy. Thanks for listening :)
I'm so sorry you've had this experience Taylor. I think we fall into the trap that society sets up for invalidating our experiences when they aren't "violent." Right? If our parent hasn't hit us or starved us, then somehow our experiences of emotional neglect or abuse is invalid. I'm so glad that you are in therapy, because your experience is so valid and healing can occur. Have you read the book "Toxic Parents" By Susan Forward? It's a good book for understanding various types of abuse.
Taylor Barnett, I so relate to the feelings of resentment. I feel (and in many ways behave) like a child. I long for what I needed as a child. Mostly an acknowledgment and validation of my pain. For someone to come pick up and comfort the crying mess of a toddler puddle I was (and still am inside).
The comment about Teal Swan. I agree. A lot of her stuff makes so much sense to me. Especially the one titled " the difference between a nice man and a kind man! Wow holy Tamoly. Everyone should watch it. I realize teal swan is pretty controversial however I take what I need and leave the rest!
Geez... I just remembered my "good-enough-mother". She was the mom of one of my friends back when I was still a child. Friendship lasted about 3 years or so, then they moved away... shortly after, she died. I didn't feel anything at that moment, not even shock or surprise, anything. It's been a decade now, and just having you mention the "good-enough-mother", and realizing what she meant to me in that short period of time.... I don't know, I just started crying. I guess I'm finally able to grief.
How can I get over feeling like my "trauma" is really just drama? And I'm so tired of feeling weak for the problems it's caused in my adult life, but it just doesn't seem bad enough for it to really count.
I feel the same way. My therapist says it's typical for trauma survivors to downplay what happened to us. It's a coping strategy. Because if we accept that what happened was traumatic, we have to deal with it. If you keep downplaying it, you don't have to take a closer look. Stay strong my friend. I hope you have all the support you need.
Actually I think it does not only have to be the denial that trauma causes (and it is not your fault, but I am afraid your responsibility to get out of it again), but to my personal experience (have a long thought, if this is also true for you, something might come up) it can also be caused by emotional abuse. The abuser will usually have some sort of guilt (it's not obvious to spot, don't judge yourself if you don't see it at first) building up, when they notice some bits of what they have done to someone and also when they are accused of it (which young children will still do often, but they learn...). Obviously this makes them uncomfortable and they don't want to deal with ut, not look at it, push it on the other person instead. So then they will devalidate the feelings of the abused or make them feel like they aren't feeling it 'correctly' or acting in a wrong way... I'll give you a personal example, to make it clearer (I know exactly how it feels): My mum severely emotionally abused me for my whole childhood (and also sorta sexual) and so she made me cry when I was little every then and so and I remember her reaction to that was something like: " Don't play drama. You little actress." (And then she would put a huge smile on which consumed me and forced me to smile.) And on and on she did it, I started to smile or shut down, when she was traumatizing me. And when I cried she shouted at me even more sometimes, so I was taught, that emotions are not okay. Unless they make others feel good. But it's not true, it is not. Emotiins aee their to help us. No matter which. And if you're struggling, that's alright. Life fucks people up, and you are just brave enough to admit it. Be proud of yourself! And have a thought about, whose voices have consolidated in your mind.
@@furkins6748 Yes, I am 25 and I barely recently decided to refer to certain episodes of my childhood as abuse, though if anyone else ever told me that such things happened to them I would definitely refer to it as abuse. Part of me just thinks "well others have it so much worse", but it's had real effects on me in my life so I try to acknowledge it now.
This video is brilliant Kati. As a child of trauma who now has a child - I find myself revisiting a lot of traumatic memories. This video is so helpful and I love the BEAR anology x
I took parenting classes... and hubby teases my library card will get red flagged from the tons of books I read 😂🤣😂🤣 I have worked hard to break patterns
I just turned 21 and some stuff that I thought I had buried has just come back up. I have nobody to talk to or trust and now I feel like it’s like eating me up inside. That would be a helpful topic
I feel like the emphasis on struggling at school is misleading, I struggled with severe ptsd for many years and was not believed because I had good grades and good behaviour at school, I think this is a really problematic understanding of trauma and presentations of trauma when we emphasise this so much, it can be true for some children but not true for others and many of us are misdiagnosed or nit believed as children because of this emphasis on the typical symptoms of childhood trauma
I totally agree! I been going through hell at home and mentally i was such a wrack. But memorizing irrelevant information for school and passing tests, that was what kept me sane. I loved to just read books, any books but particularly scientific ones. I loved to memorize stuff and burry my head in homework as an excuse not to leave my room. I agree that its very misleading saying that if you re good in school, you re emotionally and/or physically doing well as well.
This was also my experience and when I’d spoken up about it, the people I’d told thought I was overreacting and stretching the story because I was a good kid who stayed out of trouble (big people pleaser)
Same. Even in trauma I was aware that checking out/acting out was not going to help me. For some people self advocacy kicks in when family life is terrible. That doesn't mean we hurt less though. I had to learn to talk about my upbringing so that people wouldn't assume that I wasn't struggling.
yes! You become overadaptive. You can't even show your trauma symptoms because you know they're also not allowed... double sad. I've never been able to talk about any trauma for 28 years, because I literally didn't have the words, or ability to act out, which would have been more natural maybe. I was just killed off, emotionally. Completely passive, dead inside, constant anxiety insomnia depression ocd, but outwardly "perfect"
OMG!!! SO SO TRUE!!! I am a 53 year old survivor of nearly 20 years of abuse at the hand of my adoptive mother. My grades in school dropped as the abuse escalated, by the time I reached H.S. I graduated with a D- average. The abuse was so bad, it consumed my every thought while I was in school. It also gave my muther an added reason to beat me. When I got out of that environment and went to school for EMT training I graduated 2nd from the top of my class. So it was never about how smart I was, but proof of what living in a daily abusive environment can do to a school age child. 😥
I am loving your videos lately kati... slightly more toward the older audience.. I obviously understand you have a lot of younger viewers which you need to account for in a lot of your video but thank you for these videos!
My doctor scored me a 10 for ACE. Guess he wasn't joking when he said most people with my past don't make it to my age. It is quite something to process.
I love watching these on childhood trauma becuase I feel it makes me understand myself better. But, even if I logically know that i probably have experienced just that, whenever I do watch these I always end up with the thought of "my experiences are nothing in comparison" and then i fall back into telling myself how weak i am for not being able to put up with my past logically i know that's not how things work though, but logic does little in a battle with negative voices. please do keep these coming though, they're much appreciated.
So important to understand that what isn't traumatizing for one person could be really traumatizing for another people. Thank you for talking about this! I wish more people understood this fact.
I spent half my life (I’m only 22 to be fair) being an angry drug dealer with no self worth and it’s not until I sat down with a psychologist that i found out that reckless nature all stemmed from childhood abuse. I feel so bad that I turned out that way. All I wanted was love. That’s all I ever needed.
I’m always interested in learning more about how my childhood trauma effects me today. It’s affected so much of my choosing and relationships, not to mention my behavior and inner self talk. I love the videos you do on the long term effects, I hope you’ll do more
So mamy folks are dying because of the trauma that they have been experiencing etc.....Alack of self love is the root cause of all suffering in this universe!!!!
Elhadj Diallo self-love is the cause of abuse, there are too many victims of self-love. Love needs to be given an received, love for oneself is crooked and ugly. Find people who love you to love back. Many people try to love on themselves but it doesn’t work, it eventually fades.
Felipe please reach out for help because it DOES GET BETTER with the right help! Here is a helpful video as well th-cam.com/video/6n3XEbloPRI/w-d-xo.html
I have Complex PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder. I don't know if its ALL to blame on my childhood abuse and neglect but the abuse I then dealt with at my first "real" job from a harassment-filled hostile work environment (not seasonal, not under the table) and from my first "real" relationship (7 years of a nightmare) both pushed my brain over the edge.
I think childhood abuse make us vulnerable to more abuse. Because we are "shaped" for it, we also make ourself more vulnerable by using old coping skills that give redflag to abusive people. That thing also about remaking trauma without knowing because our brain try to understand, find a way to make thing ok, try to repairing the past by finding a way all that is not that bad. Wish you some peaceful day.
as someone who has been through intense domestic violence and finally left it..it feels like having been through a war.. like that constant level of nonstop stress for years. When I really resolved to leave and left and started actually recovering from ptsd I realized how bad it really was and how I used to think that kind of life normal. Just that constant attack and being in a crisis mode 24/7 and always being scared...it's like having been through a war. After a super scary experience I had that shook me to my core, I became really withdrawn, numb etc...I was scared of people and I was avoiding people. I didn't know that I had ptsd but I can see now that was what I was going through. Wow I see that now...
My 'good enough mom' was my grandma. She was the balance in my family, my best friend. She passed away when I was 9, and loosing her really afected me. I associate the spiraling downhill of my family life - and my life and trauma - with her passing. I'm 33 now and I still struggle not to cry whenever I talk about my grandma. I thought it was simply because I still missed her like she was just here yesterday, but after watching the video I understand the ramifications of it better. I had to pause at some point, because I started crying and sobbing out of the blue... Thank you for the video, guys.
I can relate to your experience with your Grandmother. Mine passed when I was still a teenager. I could not attend her funeral because it was overseas. My Mother did not make a copy of her birth certificate.
Ever since I've had to stop therapy this channel has helped me through my child trauma of being abused when I was 12. I'm 15 now but if I see the word 'abuse' it makes my body panic. Even right now it's hard to breathe, but I don't know why. I can talk to people about what happened but hearing or seeing the word triggers something in my body
I am so sorry to hear that!!! May God bless you, what I would do is to recognize when that happens and when it does talk your way through it. Tell yourself don't be afraid, no one is going to hurt you. I do that when I have anxiety and panic attacls and it does calm me down
so glad you brought up kids being withdrawn. Because I know I got over looked because I'm very quiet, timid and shy. so I never got help. But my brother acted out and people noticed it a lot more and got him more help.
How do you go about talking with your spouse about your past childhood abuse? It is awkward for the both of us, but it affects a lot of areas in our marriage.
Do you see a therapist or someone similar? I find it really helpful to model/role-play tough conversations in those sessions, especially when you still find them really awkward. For me, because of therapy, I've been able to tap into how I'm feeling and be aware of if I can make it a productive conversation, or at least not turn it into a massive downward spiral. It's really hard, but I hope you're able to practise.
I was maladaptive in hyper passivity. At school I was often in fights without action. Bullies would beat and kick me and I wouldn't move to defend myself. I would just take it. The school, unfortunately, had a zero tolerance policy for fighting. Thus I ended up in the principal's office getting a spanking for fighting even without lifting a hand in offense or defense. I have gone from abusive relationship to another. I never had that intervention, nor did I have an adult role model. I also went through a phase of suicide attempts through my 18th year. I gave it up by a promise, but that didn't solve the reasons for it. I still had suicidal thoughts, but I never acted on them directly. It did allow me to give up completely and nearly allow my 2nd wife to kill me. She came pretty close. I hope with early intervention there will be fewer adults like me growing up. Thank you for all both of you are doing.
Kati, I'm utterly amazed that you're posting these videos. I am looking to become a psychologist specialised in childhood trauma (as I am a sufferer myself and I am recovering). But I'm also a theist, so the fact that this appeared right now is to me nothing short of a literal godsend. I am thankful that you can play this very important part in my recovery. God bless you and your work, Kati!
You are not crazy, because I felt this way until a mental health special is expressed all the damage the violence in my past cause, this is not our fault. But we do have to do our best to get over this and heal!!
@@betzavel7865 if u saw my journal...u would think i am...my mom thinks i belong in one of those crazy nut housez where the kid is taken away and locked up for being crazy.
@@lindsayguillen7 if it says crazy stuff that is okay too, it was your way of coping!! You needed an outlet for all the negativity that happened to you. That's normal for all of us, and again you are not crazy!! You are a human being who has suffered and there is help for us for sure! My journal has some sick twisted stuff, this is not a competition, but for sure in time we will heal! We can do this, let's be positive
I don't like having to wake up everyday. My sister was 29 and my dad was 46 they both died 2 years apart from eachother. Every night their in my dreams. Last 10 years I've tried to not be selfish and stop feeling this way. I'm ready to go home.
you should hit up dr. brené brown and do a vid together! perhaps on the importance of vulnerability in the recovery process, or just therapy in general
I just turn the volume up at minute three, I’ve never heard anyone explain my childhood so well. At 49 I know I should’ve done a lot more therapy and I think I’m going to now, it’s never too late. Thank you thank you
I'm glad you included fight, flight, or freeze. Growing up, i heard the term "fight or flight." Relatively frequently, but my peers didn't seem to understand that sometimes when you are overwhelmed, you can do neither and you become petrified in place.
I feel as if you missed a few symptoms. I always tried to overcompensate and be the absolute best when i was a child. I tried to please everyone around me and end up sacrificing my happiness. Just my experience though.
This is true, PTSD can manifest in this way during childhood/teenage years, but it falls under the 'flight' category which was mentioned. Overcompensating and people-pleasing are behaviours we take on when trying to avoid /flee from potential or existing conflict. No eye contact, flinching when touched, etc. Avoiding all confrontation and instead overcompensating. This is how I was as a child. Always quiet, only spoke when spoken to, extremely polite and always anxious in social situations. I guess I'm still like this now as a young adult.
I was abused both physically and emotionally during my childhood. I was also bullied in school for many many years. I remember having anxiety attacks so powerful that I had to sit down and I couldn’t move - it literally paralyze me. This was back in the 1970s when there weren’t as many people that were so observant or any services that were either required or available. I am 55 years old now and honestly I don’t know how I made it this long. I have suffered from depression and generalized anxiety disorder all my life. It was a struggle to get through my school and I ended up dropping out of college. Of course all of this having a severe impact on my life overall. I realize now the smallest turns in the road along the way could’ve made the biggest differences.
I grew up with my grandma till 8 years old with very few memories of parents. After united with parents, I was neglected due to top student at school, and independence. Conflict between me and parents started occurring as teen, and became worse and worse, because we did not realize the root cause of the conflict. At 20, I suddenly understood all my life in the past, and attempted to heal myself. I must have done a horrible job to heal myself. I came to know childhood trauma recently, and found that it has been hunting me all the time. BTW, I'm 55.
Thank you for this! I recently started going to therapy ( partly because I found your channel and finally felt brave enough to) and for two sessions we have been talking only about my early childhood... I was surprised because I thought the “ truly” traumatic stuff happened to me in my late teens... But it turns out my years birth to ten had a HUGE impact on me, and I greatly underestimated the effect of early trauma. I’m also surprised at how emotional I felt after the session, I’m not usually like that. But I think it’s been healthy to finally acknowledge how hurt and Afraid my 4 year old self was, and that what happened to me as a young child matters. Thanks again!
This video couldn’t have come out at a better time! It’s so comforting to hear this. To know that I’m NOT crazy. I’m always in fight or flight mode, because of trauma. It’s rough to get through, but having the support of a therapist is amazing. It makes things so much easier, and it makes life seem livable. Thank you kati!❤️
ive been told so many times that what ive gone through wasnt trauma, and invalidaded so many times, i wwas actually told by a psyciatrist that i wasnt in a life or death situation that it wasnt trauma. i almost started crying when she gave the definition because ive been invalidated so many times that i started believing that i was just overreacting. im in a real struggle with ptsd right now and this just makes me feel kinda assured because im not just overreacting.
I remember hearing about generational trauma when I was 10 and dealing with an abusive father. I decided there and then that I would not have kids in fear that I would continue the abuse myself. 30 years on and I still feel like I have monster inside of me and cannot get close to anyone encase they see it too. Please be careful with this idea as it can be traumatic on it own. The last thing a victim of abuse wants to hear is that they might be just like their abusers. That said, I want to thank Kati for all her videos. They are encouraging me to fight to get some real help for the first time.
Thats so odd, my trauma encouraged me to learn and be an awesome parent as well as a psychologist, so I did the opposite There is not a monster in you, that is just fear and you can overcome it!
TofuDream - I feel like I’ve been trained to be a monster, but I feel like declaring celibacy would just be letting the enemy win. Reminded of a quote by C.S. Lewis concerning the devil about how the devil (proverbial or literal) wants people to fear him as ever-powerful but simultaneously wants people to forget that he exists; in short, whatever keeps people from properly dealing with the threat and properly challenging his influence. I respect your decision for your own life; your call. As for myself, I feel like having kids and being a living contradiction of the curse, being a good parent that I should have been all along, is a total power move and an effective “I’m God-fearing, alive, and with 3 healthy kids, fuck you” to this concept of a curse; I have no idea whether or not I’ll succeed in this goal, but if I do it’d be epic.
I'm the same ,I am too overprotective, I worry about my childrens psychological, physical and emotional health.It's hard for me to let go now that theyre growing up, but I do because I love them so much and would do anything if I know it would benefit them in a positive way.I judge myself too harshly (as a mother,) feeling not good enough. My mind is always going back to the physical emotional and mental abuse I had from my parents but I can proudly say I am nothing like them and my son and daughter know how much I love them and how proud I am of them. All the best to you , may we find the peace we couldn't find growing up. 😊
I had a teacher in my life when I was doing horribly and not being a good person, ( a lot due to trauma) She was extremely attentive, accepting, consistent, nurturing, caring, kind, ect. She absolutely changes my life, she taught me ow to be a good person and I was doing better than I ever have before and I was so happy. I can’t describe he peace and safety I felt, and joy. It’s been about two years since I’ve seen her and I now see the difference and the effect a consistent, loving, nurturing, open, parental figure a person can geniality have on someone. Just a support. A parental figure that everyone SHOULD have. It made me see how many people don’t have the bare minimum, including myself.
i think i hold a lot of resentment for teachers and adults in my life that saw me in elementary/middle school clearly being bullied and socially excluded from my peers. i exhibited all the classic signs of adhd, yet i got punished for my reactions and feelings. i know it isn’t the adults fault in my life. but seriously, shouldn’t they have supported me rather than discipline me for acting out due to my circumstances.i only bring this up because i am very much traumatized by that cycle of being bullied and adults minimizing me.
This is so important. Thank you for making this video. As a survivor of childhood abuse just thank you so much. You're making a difference and that gives me hope.
This video made me so validated and less needy for just wanting an accepting family not my abusive parents who treated me like what went wrong with me or my siblings was my fault
I was treated like a slave, punch bag, I was beaten, emotionally, mentally abused. My parents always told me that I was ugly, fat, useless, I suffered humiliation when visitors came making me feel worse, visitors who watch how I was treated they copied. I told my parents that one day I was going to write a book, they laughed at me saying that I can't spell my name which made me feel worthless. I have written a book about it and it is called in comfort of Mary by Bethany Ford its on amazon and its on TH-cam and you can read chapter one on TH-cam now. Tell me what you think x.
I learned about all this in my abnormal psych course but I absolutely love the fact that you talk about these topics in a way that the general public can understand. This information needs to be more accessible to people, thank you for making that happen!
OMG YOU ARE SERIOUSLY DESCRIBING MY LIFE!!!! I have been suffering from PTSD from my childhood... now i amy son and sister won't speak to me because I won't go to a home. m not only suffering with this and I have MS and i'm legally blind and wheelchair bound. My entire childhood I was beaten. brainwashed and enslaved.... and my mother and stepfather are out living there best lives and i am stuck in my home with very little human interaction... just lie my childhood...I really need y'alls help PLEASE I have been begging for help because i now live in my head most days and just relive every horrible thing again...I want to be happy... but how when I reemember my mother trying to literally kill me my entire life?
HEADY1313 you deserve to feel love. We want people to care and when they are insensitive creeps we internalize it as we are worthless when in fact they are.
Is there any way you can get yourself out of the house more often? Doesn't even have to be anything too big but ive found just being outside or in a public place can help the feeling of isolation a lot. And if you cant try finding some online communities to meet people with similar interests or struggles.
Happiness is hard to find. Look for something, anything, that brings you joy. For me, it's music. I listen to music in foreign languages so that I can pretend they're talking to me, and then I feel less alone. Maybe online chat rooms could help you feel less alone? Anything. The brain is a computer and it can be hacked. Find a way to hack it and infect it with happiness. When are you most likely to be affected by your emotions? (maybe during a meal, or one of your interactions with others?) Plan a happy activity immediately after that. Train your brain to be happy.
This explains everything. Thank you. They need to teach this to every teacher, coming up with some sort of program to help kids like myself because all teachers do is send you to detention or suspend you which doesn’t work at all.
I been dealing with childhood trauma by myself all my life..trying to share myself with someone is difficult. Because before everything was in my head and with it out I couldn't really handle that. Almost three years ago I was diagnosed with PTSD. I do see a therapist, but it's not the same when there is feelings towards someone.
i LOVE this video because i grew up traumatized by an abusive bipolar father. it finally got court ordered that i didn't have to see him anymore in april and i haven't seen him since. i'm still recovering from my shame and all that i have been through in the 15 years i was abused and working with my therapist on it. i'm discovering the strong girl i actually am and i'm 3 months clean. i love you kati, and i love these collabs. i might get to go to vidcon this year and if i get to meet you i'll be so happy!!
My kids are adults now. I remember we found different ones through different places, but some really good ones were offered by elementary schools for basically the cost of the materials.
Any healthy “surrogate mother” relationships I formed where quickly sabotaged by my mum... I went to 10 churches and 6 schools between the ages of 4-12 because of her.. It’s made it harder now to trust anyone enough, even though it’s all I want.. sigh oh well.. C'EST LA VIE ❤️ Thanks for another fab video..
I let out a little squeal when I saw you both in the thumbnail. Excited to learn more from you both, from your story and experience. Thanks for your input around such vital topics. You have no idea Kati and Alexa how much your tone and openness is softening hearts and educating us. Soooo grateful for you both. -xx-
So if you've been neglected and abused growing up, does that mean you're screwed and kind of destined to carry the past with you forever? Does it mean you're never going to be able to heal and move on?
You will carry the past with you forever, but you can learn how to work WITH it and move around it. It means you have a whole bunch to overcome, but NO, you're not screwed forever! I am living proof :):)
You can definitely move passed it. Fear not, humans are amazingly, amazingly resilient. Your instinct to survive can take you far. I recommend therapy and meditation. Brains are very plastic, or able to change and grow. I think only severe child abuse that stunts the brain (think genie who wasnt allowed to talk to people and thus couldnt use language) are closer to the 'beyond help' category, but even then you can still help them. ABA therapy is about lessening maladaptive behaviors in children with autism. They dont understand much of whats going on (severe levels of autism) but there are still therapies that can help them with emotional regulation, communication and independence.
I think it depends on the individual. There are those that were horribly abused or traumatized and you’d never know it. A male coworker friend of mine comes to mind. Then there’s those of us that have some serious mental health disorders that interfere with daily life challenges and social interactions. Again I think it varies person to person.
In my experience growing up, I looked for distractions, and one distraction was actually studying and learning at school. In one of my difficult years during middle school, when my mom was in a long distance emotionally and verbally abusive relationship (which had been going on for 7 years ), I buried myself in my schoolwork, and set myself a goal of achieving a 4.0 gpa for all four quarters. I achieved it, and even got a medal at the end of the year. So I think setting personal goals was what got me through that time, and knowing that while I couldn't control the situation, I could control what I focused on in my free time.
So stress belly is real!? I needed this video! My constant stress in my body has caused my thyroid to shut down. It’s crazy how emotions and a toxic home environment can affect your body. Thank you for this video! ❤️
It always blows my mind when I do research into how trauma affects us phyiscally and biologically! Crazy - but so true. It has such a physical effect on us. ❤️
I'm 24 years old and I have suffered severe childhood trauma. I can tell you that one thing that I learn is that your feelings are completely valid! No matter what anyone tells you. Your feelings do matter & are valid! I was brainwashed to believe that my feelings don't matter and I grew up to be very depressed. It wasn't until I starting doing drugs that I finally come to the realization that I had a problem. If you are stubborn like me and don't want to see a therapist first. I plead that you at least read a book on trauma & depression. It does get better!
The information you hade giving me. Open a door that made me think My childhood was ruff I was told in school that I needed to smarten up did not know that the effect of my home life would make it so hard to act normal This is a awesome video it woke me up to the fact that the problem was like that. THANK YOU
Why is it that I find comfort in my depression and anxiety? That I'm scared of happiness and feeling good about myself?
You're used to it so it feels safe. You're afraid that if you become happy you might lose it again, which is scary. If youre already sad you have nothing to lose, that's safer. I think you can find videos on this, on depression and fearing happiness or being more comfortable being depressed.
Not sure. My depression and anxiety is like living in hell and one usually just wants to escape the mental torment - hence the high suicide rate around these ills. With yourself it may be more that you are accepting a life situation that is second best but safe - lacking confidence in yourself to go for better and a happier life
Amodini Choudhary Isn't it because the bad feelings are familiar and therefor "safe" in a weird way? I was so unfamiliar with kindness, so it scared me to begin with. Always expected it to turn into a vicious joke on my behalf.
I got used to it gradually, that people not necessary had to be mean, or out to "get" you.
Oh, it was a long process, and I had help from occational therapy, though I didn't trust her at all (she's got paid to say nice things to me, duh!) but she planted seeds that would grow long after the sessions were over. End of novel! Have faith, and be kind to yourself. Things don't stays the same. We live, we learn, we grow.
🍒✨
TofuDream I’ve always been afraid to be happy too or get my hopes up... there’s so man6 layers to this..... I’m having major health problems because of the trauma
BUZ OSKARSON im definitely going to take mental health advice from an nazi. thank you so much
One other way that children seem to adapt is by overcompensating. I noticed that within myself. I became a major people pleaser and codependent. A lot of people don’t realize that if you see someone giving too much and sacrificing too much that might also be a sign. It’s just something that I figured I’d mention since that is my experience.
Destiny DiMattei yes that’s the fourth “F” called fawning as a survival strategy. Fight, Flight, or Freeze are the other three. I go to flight or freeze in my situation.
I did the same thing. Trying to avoid more trauma by being invisible or as little trouble as possible. I think the people pleasing for me was a desperate attempt for some kind of positive affection.
Destiny, I agree. They can also be somewhat socially withdrawn or fearful of social situations, yet they'll force themselves to appear socially well-adjusted and to give to others while they feel undeserving of any praise, success or love.
@@natthebratster Your identification of this response literally just changed y whole perspective of my trauma responses. THANK YOU!!
Henry S check out Peter Walker’s book Complex PTSD from surviving to thriving. It’s very eye opening and relatable. Life changing for me.
I have major childhood trauma and I was still able to learn and succeed in school. School was my “safe” zone even though I was bullied and mistreated by people. I lost myself in my school work to escape the hell.
I do have anger issues and so much more from my trauma. My teachers were amazing they kept me going
Can lead to ocd and dissociation and perfectionism from what I'm learning. Sending good vibes! ❤
Jennifer Berry I’m glad you had some good teachers to help you along the way. I had a similar situation in which i was constantly bullied in school, and it also pushed me closer to my school work! Maybe it’s because we feel that’s something we can control? Especially in an environment that seems so uncontrollable.
I'm so glad you had school as a safe zone to escape hell...but so sorry that life at home was hell.
OMG THAT WAS MY LIFE like I have a Masters but I cant maintain a longterm healthy sexual relationship because of the neglect from parents, emotional abuse from my mother and abuse from kids at school
My God. I am one of those kids and I am breaking the cycle by not having children.
And I have broken the cycle by overcoming my problems, changing my thoughts and behaviors, receiving an education and teaching my own kids. Half way to my psychologist's license, baby! No more transgenerational trauma is coming from me!
I'm breaking the cycle by kms.
Sameeee I refuse to pass this mess on.
I agree. I had a garbage childhood and chose not to have kids.
I am overcoming the pain by having my own kids and loving them, not spoiling but loving them and being emotionally there for them.
The words ‘be the person you needed when you were younger’ are like my mantra. Love to you all ❤️
YES!!!💗
My life's motto as well!
Same 👍💕
I needed someone to show me what it looked like to love yourself🙏
As someone who is experiencing guilt for not going back home for the holidays because of PTSD, this video couldn't have come out at a better time. As always, I appreciate the dedication you put into making these videos! Much love, Kati
Awe I am so glad. xoxo You have to take care of you :) xoxo
@Lynn Honestly, I don't blame you. At the end of the day we need to do what's best for ourselves. I do hope you find a way to have a good time without your dad's family! Stay safe
I too decided it was best for me to not go home for the holiday. I know how I would feel after, so taking care of me had to be the priority! We deserve it!
Lingua...to solve your problem you have to "cut off" the codependency..
Listen to me..many say that to do so you have to move far from your toxic ppl..which is true IN PART..everything once again start from our brain.
And here a sense of affection or even Faith if you want can help you.
Okay..as codependent we know we lived for our toxics..and we still love them at your point of the SELF REALISATION OF THE EVENTS OF YOUR LIFE.
It is fine cause..it is normal untill the Cut off havent been done.
Do you want let's do it with me now?
Go to that love you feel for them..your mommy..daddy..bro or sis..you are back like a child now...now from this perspective of love..think about THEIR CHILDHOOD
...you will see abusers somewhere around them too..stay in the feeling THEY SUFFERED in those situations...do you see how bad? You live them..you feel sad for them cause you know wt they went through and none helped them..no internet to clarify their own situations..reach out..nothing..they have been entrapped..into a cage of no feelings..no empathy..just to survive..
I know you feel their pain so awfull now..that i ask you TO PERDONE THEM..SEEING THEM TOO AS VICTIMS AS YOU HAVE BEEN TOO..But for them no chance to escape..so..would you..YOU arm againdt them any revenge..any hope they could understand you HAVING FELT HOW THEY WENT CUT IF FROM ANY SIGNIFICANCE IN LIFE JUST TO SURVIVE? leave the hope they will never change..cause since too long their Cut Off from fellings damaged them...THEY CANT ..love us at tbe way we need and would like..it is not that thay would not...they CANT..
PARDONE THEM SO..
YOU PARDONE THEM AND CUT OFF THE BOND OF CODEPENDENCY NOW CAUSE YOU KNOW ALSO HOWUCH THEY ARE TOXIC TO YOU..BUT THEY PAID IN ADVANCE THE BAD THEY UNWILLINGLY DID TO YOU..PARDINE THEM AND MOVE ON..
Stay in this..and after few days you will feel different..detached..ablecto carefully manage thd communucation with your toxics loved ones using time management..setting of inner boundaries and clear plain not aggresdive ASSERTIVE COMMUNICATION to stop any speach that you know already will and with hurting you. I am doing this with mines and I see the difference..now it is me to cut off if they insist and cause I did openly several time mjnes now even if resentful..stops the aggresdion as i stance firmely"You are going to say things that will depress me and cause i dont need thst..lets stop this topic" and cgange openly it..
You have still few days to digest your psychological cut off and self train in assertive sentences jn front of a mirror..go forge your armor..you can keep them only if you will wear it.
Hope to have heloed, a huge hug!--&/@ and a virtual rose to you :)
This is the first year for me
Part of the problem with recognizing childhood abuse and abused children is that the abuse for so many children is their normal, so they don't even know they're being abused, that it's wrong, that it can be different. I've certainly found that to be true for me. I grew up not feeling loved by my parents, but this crazy making mix of terrorized by and yet dependent on them. It's taken me years, even decades to start to recognize it for what it is, let alone start to heal from it and believe I'm worth more.
My parents were extremely neglectful, my father was very emotionally abusive and my mom had stockhome syndrome. I never knew any of these growing up, I just thought people break a leg or dislocate their knee or jaw (all happened to me) and you just wait for it to heal. We weren’t allowed medical help. This has severely damaged my body as I’ve grown up. But it took me till 18ish to start realising all of this stuff was traumatic for me
Omg you said it best!!!! terrorized by yet dependent on them....wow.... this describes my experience with my parents 100%....people who have not been through this kind of abuse - mine was being raised by two pathological narcissists both with borderline tendencies - meant they were terrorists in the home but as their dependent, I was at their mercy for my survival and "well-being"... I'm only now admitting to what kind of monsters with a smile they really were...
If you dig deeper into society, the human race even, then you should come to the realization that everyone is abused; that abuse is the norm which continues, and that the consequence of the messed up human condition right now comes from child abuse. Child abuse still exists; humanity fails to end child abuse because it's abused and damaged. Humanity doesn't agree on what child abuse entails and that all so-called adults are guilty of not breaking the cycle. We're all immature and stupid, causing the same to new people, over and over again because we're too messed up to realize it, too messed up to get others to realize it, let alone stop it.
So very true for me as well!
So well said. Thank you for sharing.. my first abusers were my parents in the abuse was horrifying and now that I know I had ADHD
Ok, this was me as a child. By 2nd grade I was diagnosed with ADHD, but was dealing with physical and verbal abuse at home. So the testing showed I had an IQ of 145 and the school and parents decided I was just lazy. I had teachers tell me they had a better time when I wasn’t there. I was told I was bad. I had a teacher stuff my mouth with paper at recess. I was slapped and hit for things I was doing that screamed abuse. I was in 1st grade in 1967. These things were allowed.
I had a horrible first 28 years of life.
I’m now 58 and have been in weekly therapy for 3 years and am finally figuring out a lot of things.
I’m glad you’ve been able to figure more stuff out.
@@alekroselle1043 I’ve recently started EMDR with my trauma psychologist and it is AMAZING!
I’ve had some wonderful breakthroughs and so far we’ve only been doing the positive thoughts. It’s the first time I realized I may actually get well! ❤️
I just came across your comment, I grew up in the 70’s had a fucked up childhood, and traumatic home environment, I was sexually abused had a learning disability, no one wanted to talk about it, I had no therapy etc…Today I’m 53 I’m still pissed off been holding it in for years, and if it wasn’t for videos like this one I’d still be shutting down😒😒Im looking into therapy soon.
The 1970's wasn't a great period to be gifted at school, one had to play down the achievements and work slowly in class in order to fit in (even though it didn't work 😕 people figured out you were different still which resulted in bullying).
55 and just diagnosed with ADHD. My first grade teacher used to hit me across the back with a yardstick and call me stupid and dumb because I couldn't read. I was petrified of her. I cannot believe there were teachers like her. I would go home everyday and cry and tell my mother how abusive she was. I got her for 2nd grade and finally my mother went to school and demanded that I have another teacher. 55 years goodbye see posts about kids that were abused by this monster.
Another good topic how do you cope with this in adulthood? As a child of trauma. I notice I am starting to have more issues with my past the older I get. I’m 23.
Molly Monk EXCELLENT TOPIC SUGGESTION! I am precisely the same-the effects of growing up in trauma have only shown themselves (in my personal opinion) as I grew older around 17 and onward. It seems to get worse as I age, and I am 28 now and it is horrible. Kati please pursue this topic in a video!!!
I'm 43 and it's only getting worse unfortunately
same shit , 26 even stuff that I would die for like art don't cut
I found myself in this very situation as I approached my 22nd birthday this past spring. The only actual thing that has helped was admitting I needed help and going to therapy with a really good and patient professional. It was especially important that she allowed me to slowly build trust and a sense of safety without ever forcing me to open up, so that I could begin autonomously getting glimpses at the essence of my trauma and dismantling the vicious bunch of defense mechanisms I'd entrenched myself behind. It took months of patience and hard work, but things eventually started to work out and fall into place. Therapy is hence essential, because childhood trauma victims NEED TO FEEL SAFE, and the therapeutic space and relationship are meant to provide that before everything else. That said, if you are or have already been in therapy but feel like it's not working, or getting worse, I'd begin wondering whether the approach used by your therapist is right for your case, and/or if your therapists doesn't have what it takes to consistently and safely help you. Long-term psychodynamic therapy works well for me (I don't take meds), but that of course can't apply to every trauma victim. Plus, it might require integration with CBT or other types of therapy (there are so many!) to keep some of the symptoms at bay. But, generally speaking, the explorative talk approach is great for slowly getting a hold of your past. Be safe and good luck!
Molly Monk absolutely correct
I was one of the kids that withdrew as a response to the emotional abuse and neglect I experienced in childhood. I just want to point out that if someone had asked me at the age of 6, or 10, or 12, if there was anything wrong at home or if I was being mistreated, I would have said 'no'. I didn't realize it myself until years later. I grew up thinking I was some kind of freak because I didn't feel the way my mother taught me I should feel, and I couldn't find a way to fit in with my peers or my siblings. Admitting that anything was wrong with my parents, even admitting that to myself, would have been impossible. I was extremely uncomfortable when addressed directly by an adult, and would say whatever I thought would make them stop the fastest. I only found out a few years ago that my siblings felt much the same growing up. We had no aunts or uncles, and our grandparents lived thousands of miles away. I don't know how any adult that actually cared enough to try would have been able to reach us and help.
Me too, I belive I was the bad one, my sister so "perfect", my brother was more physically abused by mom firts but my dad put he feet down for him not for me. My mother find people who do abuse or didnt care and also make them say thing that valid her way. My aunt know but didnt know what to do and being realist in 90 all the end of story could be more bad.
I totally relate. I was very shy and a good child and teachers and neighbors loved me, but little did they know what I was dealing with the physical and mental abuse from my parents at home. I was the only child. My parents tried hard to tarnish my good reputation with those people by telling lies about me and teachers even came to me and ask me "what's going on in your house, your parents said you act out. " I couldn't even speak up and define myself, and so I would say nothing.
Physical abuse by Fathers is obvious and very well documented and recorded.
But physical and emotional abuse by the human that brings you into the world ie your own mother gets a pass 90% of the time.
Me too man. I do wonder, I was a bully around 16. Teacher talked with me that fellow students complained about my bullying. I just said. Yeah I heard that from them, I am already stopping. End of conversation.
I wonder if he would have asked me, why do you bully? Are you angry? With what? You think your parents would be okay with you bullying?
I wonder if that would have opend anything in me and if it would have allowed help from outside too come in so that I didnt have too flee from my home and be institutionalized for a week 4 years later.
And than I wonder, if I than would have gotten the right help instead of 8 years later just for me, how much of the relationship with my parents would be better/saved and how much better would it have been going for me right now.
I think it would have helped me a lot too ask the right question back than too me since there was suspicion of abuse at my home but I was never asked directly.
I really hope awareness raises in this. I think its of great importance.
Same here, It wasn't until I was old enough to go over to another school mate's house (age11 or12) did I realize my home life was extremely different and in a negative way. "you can't fix something unless you know how it is broken."
As a child and teen, I was brought up with hatred, violence....absolutely no love and this has rippled into my entire life up until just recently and I was able to rise above it all.
How were you able to change?
How were you able to move on ? I’ve been thinking and it’s not good and it would really make me feel like am not alone
Same here, I'm in therapy and trying so hard but it's so difficult...
Same. I never knew what love looked like so I had a hard time in relationships. I am so lucky to have finally found someone who truly loves me and I could not be more happy!
I’m happy to hear you are rising. I too am getting clarity on the past and able to put it behind me. It’s never too late.
For some reason i’ve been really angry today because of thing that happend when i was a child so this video has perfect timing 👌🏻
Awe I am so glad. I hope the video is helpful!! xoxo
That rat studie is so interesting!
What happened, if you dont mind?
I can understand that completely. I have been in the same boat tbh. It might be that whole holiday timing.
@madelief ... don't give up, keep digging and accepting and evolve out of your bad place. Best, R
When I was a child, I had no idea I was being abused or neglected. I didn't understand that the way I was being treated was wrong or unfair, and I actually believed for a long time that it was my fault and I deserved it. After all, I had nothing to go on but my own experiences. I developed a very strong fear of authority -- to this day I anticipate violent outbursts from bosses or landlords I interact with.
I feel that this video has put another puzzle piece in place for me. School was impossible for me, I was in 8th grade the first time I received a passing grade in a class. I was told it was because I was bored in school and not being challenged, but that doesn't explain why I would finish 95 out of 100 questions on math homework and then not turn it in because it wasn't "good enough." I would then be reprimanded, albeit gently, by my teachers because they knew I could pass the tests but couldn't understand why I wasn't willing to put in the work. Truthfully, I don't feel like I was able to do the work at all.
Most of my childhood is very foggy to me. I don't remember anything outside of a few very isolated events and general trauma. I just remember the feeling of being wrong, as though I were a burden on my family and teachers. I'm told I had a few friends, but I don't remember them. I'm still trying to understand the memory loss and how it ties into everything else in my childhood.
I was fortunate enough to discover theatre at a young age, and once my situation at home became less precarious and I started to have some autonomy, I dove into it headfirst. I've since been a part of around 100 productions and through those innumerable opportunities to meet new people I've found myself a whole new family. I learned how to speak my mind, which I could never do before (I can't emphasize that enough). Suddenly, I didn't have to settle for "good enough mother" anymore. Now, even though I still sometimes have a very strong overreaction to very small stressors, I have a massive community of loved ones who support me and help me through hard times.
Thank you for helping so many of us understand why we function the way we do. Knowing is, after all, half the battle. ❤️
I'm sorry you had this experience Jawschlarsen! Your experience of abuse/neglect is so valid. This is such a validating video! I love it.
I feel you completely since I experience the same. It might not turn violent but that constant defense hasnt left and its so tiring. When it does turn violent it only supports the unwanted defense mechanism. Hang in there.
Love to tou Brother. I can really relate.
Wow man ,I have been searching for years how to put this in words. Literally no one understands . I’m 24 now & I don’t understand why I can’t remember child hood stuff. I feel scared to stand up for myself most of the time even though I still do it . Moved out my moms recently but I remember being so stuck and scared in my room . Just to avoid anytype of convo bcus I knew it would trigger me.
p
She was so right on about drugs and alcohol being an adaptive strategy, I’ve never heard anyone put it that way before but it’s spot on.
Yes it's just a maladaptive survival/emotional regulation technique. My bulimia (i am recovered) was largely caused by childhood abuse and uneducated parents who couldnt provide us with enough. All better now
bryantppierce Exactly, which is why taking away someone’s adaptive strategies (even if it’s something ultimately harmful like substance/alcohol abuse) without replacing it with something good FIRST is harmful and re-traumatizing.
bryantppierce ...drug and alcohol abuse are an attempt to help solve a problem through killing the pain.
The question shouldn’t be why the substance problem,,,,,it should be ,,,,,what is truly causing the pain ?
Fix the mental pain and the substance abuse problem goes away on it’s own.
I’m 30 now and afraid to have children because I really do not want to cause them any trauma. 😔 my father was very violent and manipulative and my mother was always narcissistic and manipulative.
Same childhood situation... I know what NOT to with my kids.
I have 3. All are very chilled out , doing well in school and happy. They know they are loved and valued.
People like us need to have kids so there are more of us in the world than the other type
You are not your parent.
Same.
Sounds like we’re siblings
@@jenster29what an absolute ridiculous reason for having kids
If it does not feel right. Don't do it. I am 55 and I do not regret One second for not having
I was bullied all throughout my childhood and although I feel many people dont count that as trauma it has caused me to have depression and suicidal thoughts and social and generalised anxiety.
I have had cbt before but I feel I need therapy focusing on my trauma to really make a difference because one of the most triggering things is the memories that I get reminded of.
Yeah, I honestly don't see how people can say bullying is not traumatic. Bullying is where someone is trying to assert power over you in hurtful ways. Obviously that hurts, especially when you're young.
Hannah Lack It definitely has the potential to be traumatic, and I think people and professionals are catching on to that. To the point that some acknowledge it can even cause PTSD. If you’re regularly terrorized and/or marginalized by the people around you on a near daily basis, why WOULDN’T that produce some trauma? I haven’t finished reading it, but there’s this book called The Bully Society, which you might be interested in if you feel okay reading about that subject matter. Though understandably, it might prove too difficult to read depending on where you are in your recovery from your own trauma.
Bullying is 100% traumatic. Especially for people who haven’t grown up being encouraged or taught resilience. If you’re already sensitive or have self esteem issues, any bullying is traumatic.
It is trauma. Dont listen to any nd that says otherwise
I am 47 yrs old and I too was bullied from preschool through adulthood. Honestly, it’s an “ old belief “ that bullying is just part of growing up . I am with you, I too have emotional scars from bullying.... you’re not alone. The trauma is real .
I have an ACE score of 7. I've known this for years. I was a timid, shy child. Watch for the quiet ones too please.
I have eight out of 10. I too was shy and afraid of my own shadow. I feared adults because that is who abused me physically emotionally and sexually. Sorry this happened to you.
English Captions AND Spanish Subtitles will be available on this video! The team is working on it now... might take 24hrs to show up.
Gasp! I can't believe I haven't thought about helping with Spanish subtitles! Not too sure about how that works, but I'd be happy to lend a helping hand if need be. Either way, thank you to those who help with the subtitles!
OMG Kati thank you for this video, it helps answer so much about what is wrong with me and where it originated. THANK YOU!!!
if you want someone to help with Arabic subtitles then I'm down! got a lot of free time on my hands
Do you still need help with translating videos to Spanish? I’d be happy to help.
Kati, with the holidays coming up, I've found that I keep having moments where I'll hear a certain Christmas song that takes me back to the Christmases before my parents divorce (some 20 years ago), and I just break down in tears. It's been catching me really off guard. Could you make a video about how the holidays may affect our mental health in a negative way and what we might be able to do to change that? I always dread this time of year, but I'd love to love the holidays again.
The trouble is what do you do when these children confess to abuse or abusive situations. It has to escalate to police or CPS. And that becomes a problem if it’s not physical abuse or obvious neglect. The options for children are limited.
We definitely need reform in the system - the options for kids are not great right now. Better than they used to be - but nowhere near ideal. Its really sad.
I agree the reality of digging further into childhood abuse thru emotional neglect requires reactive actions by an adult that will destabilize a child's life and unless a child growing into adulthood is wiling to attend to their own life they may expose an adult to feeling dis-empowered by rejecting their assistance. In some cases a child may fear for its capacity to be self reliant and resist shaming the portrait their parents paint as a legitimate household.
I think it's just about being the adult who is there for the child to get the nurturing they are willing to accept from you. They may just want to talk to someone and be validated or they might want a nice meal cooked for them or a cuddle. It's like they say in the video that people look for a surrogate. You can be that surrogate and do it with full awareness and as a collaboration between your self and the child/young person. It can and does make a big difference.
My abuser worked for Child and Family Services. If I called for help it would have rang the phone on her desk. Situations can be complex.
@Solveig St-Juste Have you been helped or is the situation still omgoing?
I blame myself for everything that ever happened to me and when I reach out no one actually wants to help me so I just deal alone.
Destiny Lee i can relate. Happy thanksgiving
same
Destiny Lee It's awful. Been there, done that..
I learned a real good way to deal with it. Be your own mum. Comfort yourself, give good healthy advises to yourself. How?
Visualise that you have two chairs. First you "sit" on one chair. Then you formulate your dilemma/issue to a parent on the other chair.
"Swap" chair. Now you are "parent"and you visualise your child told you this. What would you say if your child said these things to you? Would you be harsh to your child? Would you condemn your child? Would you give bad advise to ypur child?
I don't claim it will work for you, but it did for me. I'm a far better mum to myself, than my mum ever were, that's for sure.
Give it a go! 😏
Yeah, that's what happened to me.
Have you tried talking to a therapist?
Love that you’re doing so many collabs, it’s awesome to see your channel expanding :)
Awe thanks :) I hope you are enjoying them!! xoxo
Honestly? I never had a “good enough” parent. My parents provided the basics and never hit me but they were so mean and unavailable. So was my extended family. My older brothers, I loved them but they lived far away. My teachers were all mean except for a few, but I was too afraid to open up so I often yelled or misbehaved or just cried..? Ummm... yeah I never had any adult that was there for me. I’m 24 and I have 2 kids now. My “good enough” parent was men, because sex was the only type of closeness I could get. I’m struggling so bad now because I’m in a relationship and I have a few friends and my brother and I are close but I just can’t open up. I can’t hug people I can’t be close. I’m so fucking resentful that I had no adults there for me! EVER!! and now I’m adult and I feel like I’m 6 years old. Yes I’m in therapy. Thanks for listening :)
I'm so sorry you've had this experience Taylor. I think we fall into the trap that society sets up for invalidating our experiences when they aren't "violent." Right? If our parent hasn't hit us or starved us, then somehow our experiences of emotional neglect or abuse is invalid. I'm so glad that you are in therapy, because your experience is so valid and healing can occur. Have you read the book "Toxic Parents" By Susan Forward? It's a good book for understanding various types of abuse.
Taylor Barnett, I so relate to the feelings of resentment. I feel (and in many ways behave) like a child. I long for what I needed as a child. Mostly an acknowledgment and validation of my pain. For someone to come pick up and comfort the crying mess of a toddler puddle I was (and still am inside).
find videos online... Teal Swan, Marissa Peer - you are enough... find a way to "re parent" yourself.
The comment about Teal Swan. I agree. A lot of her stuff makes so much sense to me. Especially the one titled " the difference between a nice man and a kind man! Wow holy Tamoly. Everyone should watch it. I realize teal swan is pretty controversial however I take what I need and leave the rest!
Geez... I just remembered my "good-enough-mother". She was the mom of one of my friends back when I was still a child. Friendship lasted about 3 years or so, then they moved away... shortly after, she died. I didn't feel anything at that moment, not even shock or surprise, anything. It's been a decade now, and just having you mention the "good-enough-mother", and realizing what she meant to me in that short period of time.... I don't know, I just started crying. I guess I'm finally able to grief.
How can I get over feeling like my "trauma" is really just drama? And I'm so tired of feeling weak for the problems it's caused in my adult life, but it just doesn't seem bad enough for it to really count.
I feel the same way. My therapist says it's typical for trauma survivors to downplay what happened to us. It's a coping strategy. Because if we accept that what happened was traumatic, we have to deal with it. If you keep downplaying it, you don't have to take a closer look.
Stay strong my friend. I hope you have all the support you need.
Actually I think it does not only have to be the denial that trauma causes (and it is not your fault, but I am afraid your responsibility to get out of it again), but to my personal experience (have a long thought, if this is also true for you, something might come up) it can also be caused by emotional abuse. The abuser will usually have some sort of guilt (it's not obvious to spot, don't judge yourself if you don't see it at first) building up, when they notice some bits of what they have done to someone and also when they are accused of it (which young children will still do often, but they learn...). Obviously this makes them uncomfortable and they don't want to deal with ut, not look at it, push it on the other person instead. So then they will devalidate the feelings of the abused or make them feel like they aren't feeling it 'correctly' or acting in a wrong way... I'll give you a personal example, to make it clearer (I know exactly how it feels): My mum severely emotionally abused me for my whole childhood (and also sorta sexual) and so she made me cry when I was little every then and so and I remember her reaction to that was something like: " Don't play drama. You little actress." (And then she would put a huge smile on which consumed me and forced me to smile.) And on and on she did it, I started to smile or shut down, when she was traumatizing me. And when I cried she shouted at me even more sometimes, so I was taught, that emotions are not okay. Unless they make others feel good. But it's not true, it is not. Emotiins aee their to help us. No matter which. And if you're struggling, that's alright. Life fucks people up, and you are just brave enough to admit it. Be proud of yourself! And have a thought about, whose voices have consolidated in your mind.
That's something I am still working on. It's because, as horrible as it was it was "normal" to us and we adapted.
THIS
@@furkins6748 Yes, I am 25 and I barely recently decided to refer to certain episodes of my childhood as abuse, though if anyone else ever told me that such things happened to them I would definitely refer to it as abuse. Part of me just thinks "well others have it so much worse", but it's had real effects on me in my life so I try to acknowledge it now.
This video is brilliant Kati. As a child of trauma who now has a child - I find myself revisiting a lot of traumatic memories. This video is so helpful and I love the BEAR anology x
I took parenting classes... and hubby teases my library card will get red flagged from the tons of books I read 😂🤣😂🤣
I have worked hard to break patterns
Videos like this remind me that although trauma is incredibly agonizing, overcoming it makes the pain and the scars beautiful
What a beautiful, and true, comment. :-)
I just turned 21 and some stuff that I thought I had buried has just come back up. I have nobody to talk to or trust and now I feel like it’s like eating me up inside. That would be a helpful topic
I feel like the emphasis on struggling at school is misleading, I struggled with severe ptsd for many years and was not believed because I had good grades and good behaviour at school, I think this is a really problematic understanding of trauma and presentations of trauma when we emphasise this so much, it can be true for some children but not true for others and many of us are misdiagnosed or nit believed as children because of this emphasis on the typical symptoms of childhood trauma
I totally agree! I been going through hell at home and mentally i was such a wrack. But memorizing irrelevant information for school and passing tests, that was what kept me sane. I loved to just read books, any books but particularly scientific ones. I loved to memorize stuff and burry my head in homework as an excuse not to leave my room.
I agree that its very misleading saying that if you re good in school, you re emotionally and/or physically doing well as well.
Completely agree, this was my experience, too.
This was also my experience and when I’d spoken up about it, the people I’d told thought I was overreacting and stretching the story because I was a good kid who stayed out of trouble (big people pleaser)
Same. Even in trauma I was aware that checking out/acting out was not going to help me. For some people self advocacy kicks in when family life is terrible. That doesn't mean we hurt less though. I had to learn to talk about my upbringing so that people wouldn't assume that I wasn't struggling.
yes! You become overadaptive. You can't even show your trauma symptoms because you know they're also not allowed... double sad. I've never been able to talk about any trauma for 28 years, because I literally didn't have the words, or ability to act out, which would have been more natural maybe. I was just killed off, emotionally. Completely passive, dead inside, constant anxiety insomnia depression ocd, but outwardly "perfect"
OMG!!! SO SO TRUE!!! I am a 53 year old survivor of nearly 20 years of abuse at the hand of my adoptive mother. My grades in school dropped as the abuse escalated, by the time I reached H.S. I graduated with a D- average. The abuse was so bad, it consumed my every thought while I was in school. It also gave my muther an added reason to beat me. When I got out of that environment and went to school for EMT training I graduated 2nd from the top of my class. So it was never about how smart I was, but proof of what living in a daily abusive environment can do to a school age child. 😥
Thanks Kati! I would love more content on complex ptsd.
th-cam.com/video/1O3Y9ddzDG8/w-d-xo.html
Recent video on cptsd^
U can also search cptsd to find more of kati's videos on this!
Yes please!
yes, please!
Same here!
Yes please!
ACE kid here. So thankful for the research 🙏
It’s trauma. We all survived trauma as children. A harsh indictment of our society. But hope is power!❤️
I am loving your videos lately kati... slightly more toward the older audience.. I obviously understand you have a lot of younger viewers which you need to account for in a lot of your video but thank you for these videos!
My doctor scored me a 10 for ACE. Guess he wasn't joking when he said most people with my past don't make it to my age. It is quite something to process.
I got an 8. My mother wasn't battered (in fact, she was physically abusive towards my father) and no one in my house was put in prison.
Christ
Mine was 9
I don't do doctors but have been told noone has ever made it anywhere near that far and lived
What’s the test ?
I love watching these on childhood trauma becuase I feel it makes me understand myself better. But, even if I logically know that i probably have experienced just that, whenever I do watch these I always end up with the thought of "my experiences are nothing in comparison" and then i fall back into telling myself how weak i am for not being able to put up with my past
logically i know that's not how things work though, but logic does little in a battle with negative voices.
please do keep these coming though, they're much appreciated.
I'm 28 and was a foster kid. I feel like that speaks for itself
Does someone is crying while watching this? I just can't control the tears :'(
So important to understand that what isn't traumatizing for one person could be really traumatizing for another people. Thank you for talking about this! I wish more people understood this fact.
I spent half my life (I’m only 22 to be fair) being an angry drug dealer with no self worth and it’s not until I sat down with a psychologist that i found out that reckless nature all stemmed from childhood abuse. I feel so bad that I turned out that way. All I wanted was love. That’s all I ever needed.
We love you! Stay strong. I know it’s hard. We can be good if we want to hard enough
I’m always interested in learning more about how my childhood trauma effects me today. It’s affected so much of my choosing and relationships, not to mention my behavior and inner self talk. I love the videos you do on the long term effects, I hope you’ll do more
"You can't fix something if you don't know how its broken" im now practicing ying & yang to understand balancing emotions and this is Amazing :)
I struggle socially, because of my past. How can I learn to connect with others when I’ve been protecting myself for so long?
So mamy folks are dying because of the trauma that they have been experiencing etc.....Alack of self love is the root cause of all suffering in this universe!!!!
Elhadj Diallo self-love is the cause of abuse, there are too many victims of self-love. Love needs to be given an received, love for oneself is crooked and ugly. Find people who love you to love back. Many people try to love on themselves but it doesn’t work, it eventually fades.
@@kuzivaj.z great comment
Finally a serious video in youtube about what REALLY TRAUMA IS. Thank you very much
I was diagnosed with PSD when i was 11yrs old, been doing therapy for a long time and I found healing once I’ve started studying yoga.
I would love to see a video on how to release trauma on a cellular level. Great video!!
I struggle with suicidal thoughts daily. This was so informational. Thank you so much!
Felipe please reach out for help because it DOES GET BETTER with the right help! Here is a helpful video as well
th-cam.com/video/6n3XEbloPRI/w-d-xo.html
If you don't mind then how are you now buddy ??? Are you alright ??? Get some therapist .
I have Complex PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder. I don't know if its ALL to blame on my childhood abuse and neglect but the abuse I then dealt with at my first "real" job from a harassment-filled hostile work environment (not seasonal, not under the table) and from my first "real" relationship (7 years of a nightmare) both pushed my brain over the edge.
I think childhood abuse make us vulnerable to more abuse. Because we are "shaped" for it, we also make ourself more vulnerable by using old coping skills that give redflag to abusive people. That thing also about remaking trauma without knowing because our brain try to understand, find a way to make thing ok, try to repairing the past by finding a way all that is not that bad. Wish you some peaceful day.
"We don't treat the problem, we treat the symptom" so true.
as someone who has been through intense domestic violence and finally left it..it feels like having been through a war.. like that constant level of nonstop stress for years. When I really resolved to leave and left and started actually recovering from ptsd I realized how bad it really was and how I used to think that kind of life normal. Just that constant attack and being in a crisis mode 24/7 and always being scared...it's like having been through a war. After a super scary experience I had that shook me to my core, I became really withdrawn, numb etc...I was scared of people and I was avoiding people. I didn't know that I had ptsd but I can see now that was what I was going through. Wow I see that now...
Stunning woman Kati and great voice😍 I have childhood PTSD from neglect, severe bullying and arson due to the stress and horrible voices in my head.
The power of distribution and transformation is truly in everything
My 'good enough mom' was my grandma. She was the balance in my family, my best friend. She passed away when I was 9, and loosing her really afected me. I associate the spiraling downhill of my family life - and my life and trauma - with her passing. I'm 33 now and I still struggle not to cry whenever I talk about my grandma. I thought it was simply because I still missed her like she was just here yesterday, but after watching the video I understand the ramifications of it better. I had to pause at some point, because I started crying and sobbing out of the blue...
Thank you for the video, guys.
I can relate to your experience with your Grandmother. Mine passed when I was still a teenager. I could not attend her funeral because it was overseas. My Mother did not make a copy of her birth certificate.
Ever since I've had to stop therapy this channel has helped me through my child trauma of being abused when I was 12. I'm 15 now but if I see the word 'abuse' it makes my body panic. Even right now it's hard to breathe, but I don't know why. I can talk to people about what happened but hearing or seeing the word triggers something in my body
I am so sorry to hear that!!! May God bless you, what I would do is to recognize when that happens and when it does talk your way through it. Tell yourself don't be afraid, no one is going to hurt you. I do that when I have anxiety and panic attacls and it does calm me down
so glad you brought up kids being withdrawn. Because I know I got over looked because I'm very quiet, timid and shy. so I never got help. But my brother acted out and people noticed it a lot more and got him more help.
I was so isolated, I really wish I had that 'Safe' Person in my life.
You are all enough.
Me too. You’re enough too
How do you go about talking with your spouse about your past childhood abuse? It is awkward for the both of us, but it affects a lot of areas in our marriage.
Do you see a therapist or someone similar? I find it really helpful to model/role-play tough conversations in those sessions, especially when you still find them really awkward. For me, because of therapy, I've been able to tap into how I'm feeling and be aware of if I can make it a productive conversation, or at least not turn it into a massive downward spiral. It's really hard, but I hope you're able to practise.
I’m not married by any means 😂 but as i imagine you would reach a point in marriage to be comfortable with each other to talk about anything.
I was straight up because your demons will haunt him too and I believe you're doing a disservice to him by not letting him know this part of you
I think it's okay to let it be awkward, knowing your spouse is a safe place. If you're working with a therapist, definitely ask them for input!
I love my husband and he is a very sweet and caring person. I just think that i have kept those doors shut for so long, I don’t know how to open them.
I was maladaptive in hyper passivity. At school I was often in fights without action. Bullies would beat and kick me and I wouldn't move to defend myself. I would just take it. The school, unfortunately, had a zero tolerance policy for fighting. Thus I ended up in the principal's office getting a spanking for fighting even without lifting a hand in offense or defense.
I have gone from abusive relationship to another. I never had that intervention, nor did I have an adult role model. I also went through a phase of suicide attempts through my 18th year. I gave it up by a promise, but that didn't solve the reasons for it. I still had suicidal thoughts, but I never acted on them directly. It did allow me to give up completely and nearly allow my 2nd wife to kill me. She came pretty close.
I hope with early intervention there will be fewer adults like me growing up. Thank you for all both of you are doing.
Kati, I'm utterly amazed that you're posting these videos. I am looking to become a psychologist specialised in childhood trauma (as I am a sufferer myself and I am recovering). But I'm also a theist, so the fact that this appeared right now is to me nothing short of a literal godsend. I am thankful that you can play this very important part in my recovery. God bless you and your work, Kati!
This will help me a lot...since I have a lot of childhood trauma and I want to know more about this ..and will explain why I'm soo crazy 😊thank you!
You are so welcome! I hope my videos on trauma are helpful in your recovery process :) xoxo
@@Katimorton yes very much.. thank you!🤗🤗
You are not crazy, because I felt this way until a mental health special is expressed all the damage the violence in my past cause, this is not our fault. But we do have to do our best to get over this and heal!!
@@betzavel7865 if u saw my journal...u would think i am...my mom thinks i belong in one of those crazy nut housez where the kid is taken away and locked up for being crazy.
@@lindsayguillen7 if it says crazy stuff that is okay too, it was your way of coping!! You needed an outlet for all the negativity that happened to you. That's normal for all of us, and again you are not crazy!! You are a human being who has suffered and there is help for us for sure! My journal has some sick twisted stuff, this is not a competition, but for sure in time we will heal! We can do this, let's be positive
I don't like having to wake up everyday. My sister was 29 and my dad was 46 they both died 2 years apart from eachother. Every night their in my dreams. Last 10 years I've tried to not be selfish and stop feeling this way. I'm ready to go home.
you should hit up dr. brené brown and do a vid together! perhaps on the importance of vulnerability in the recovery process, or just therapy in general
I would die if I saw that video go up!! Brené and Kati together would be amazing 💜💜💜
I just turn the volume up at minute three, I’ve never heard anyone explain my childhood so well. At 49 I know I should’ve done a lot more therapy and I think I’m going to now, it’s never too late. Thank you thank you
Thank you for this Kati. Couldn’t be more needed ♥️♥️
I'm glad you included fight, flight, or freeze.
Growing up, i heard the term "fight or flight." Relatively frequently, but my peers didn't seem to understand that sometimes when you are overwhelmed, you can do neither and you become petrified in place.
I feel as if you missed a few symptoms. I always tried to overcompensate and be the absolute best when i was a child. I tried to please everyone around me and end up sacrificing my happiness. Just my experience though.
This is true for me
This is true, PTSD can manifest in this way during childhood/teenage years, but it falls under the 'flight' category which was mentioned. Overcompensating and people-pleasing are behaviours we take on when trying to avoid /flee from potential or existing conflict. No eye contact, flinching when touched, etc. Avoiding all confrontation and instead overcompensating.
This is how I was as a child. Always quiet, only spoke when spoken to, extremely polite and always anxious in social situations. I guess I'm still like this now as a young adult.
I was abused both physically and emotionally during my childhood. I was also bullied in school for many many years. I remember having anxiety attacks so powerful that I had to sit down and I couldn’t move - it literally paralyze me. This was back in the 1970s when there weren’t as many people that were so observant or any services that were either required or available. I am 55 years old now and honestly I don’t know how I made it this long. I have suffered from depression and generalized anxiety disorder all my life. It was a struggle to get through my school and I ended up dropping out of college. Of course all of this having a severe impact on my life overall. I realize now the smallest turns in the road along the way could’ve made the biggest differences.
My therapist recently said I have C-PTSD so definitely a timely video.
I grew up with my grandma till 8 years old with very few memories of parents. After united with parents, I was neglected due to top student at school, and independence. Conflict between me and parents started occurring as teen, and became worse and worse, because we did not realize the root cause of the conflict. At 20, I suddenly understood all my life in the past, and attempted to heal myself. I must have done a horrible job to heal myself. I came to know childhood trauma recently, and found that it has been hunting me all the time. BTW, I'm 55.
Thank you for this! I recently started going to therapy ( partly because I found your channel and finally felt brave enough to) and for two sessions we have been talking only about my early childhood... I was surprised because I thought the “ truly” traumatic stuff happened to me in my late teens...
But it turns out my years birth to ten had a HUGE impact on me, and I greatly underestimated the effect of early trauma. I’m also surprised at how emotional I felt after the session, I’m not usually like that. But I think it’s been healthy to finally acknowledge how hurt and Afraid my 4 year old self was, and that what happened to me as a young child matters. Thanks again!
Way to go taking such a huge step and starting therapy, that is amazing! I hope it continuess really well for you!
This video couldn’t have come out at a better time! It’s so comforting to hear this. To know that I’m NOT crazy. I’m always in fight or flight mode, because of trauma. It’s rough to get through, but having the support of a therapist is amazing. It makes things so much easier, and it makes life seem livable. Thank you kati!❤️
Thank you so much for this video...so so much. There are so many adults abused as children who are struggling day to day how to function.
ive been told so many times that what ive gone through wasnt trauma, and invalidaded so many times, i wwas actually told by a psyciatrist that i wasnt in a life or death situation that it wasnt trauma. i almost started crying when she gave the definition because ive been invalidated so many times that i started believing that i was just overreacting. im in a real struggle with ptsd right now and this just makes me feel kinda assured because im not just overreacting.
The first 5 minutes of this video were absolutely the most informative thing I've ever seen or heard on my situation. Thank you.
That rat licking story and the concept of the epigenome seems like it bonds the whole "nature vs nuture" sides together.
I remember hearing about generational trauma when I was 10 and dealing with an abusive father. I decided there and then that I would not have kids in fear that I would continue the abuse myself. 30 years on and I still feel like I have monster inside of me and cannot get close to anyone encase they see it too. Please be careful with this idea as it can be traumatic on it own. The last thing a victim of abuse wants to hear is that they might be just like their abusers. That said, I want to thank Kati for all her videos. They are encouraging me to fight to get some real help for the first time.
Thats so odd, my trauma encouraged me to learn and be an awesome parent as well as a psychologist, so I did the opposite
There is not a monster in you, that is just fear and you can overcome it!
TofuDream - I feel like I’ve been trained to be a monster, but I feel like declaring celibacy would just be letting the enemy win. Reminded of a quote by C.S. Lewis concerning the devil about how the devil (proverbial or literal) wants people to fear him as ever-powerful but simultaneously wants people to forget that he exists; in short, whatever keeps people from properly dealing with the threat and properly challenging his influence. I respect your decision for your own life; your call. As for myself, I feel like having kids and being a living contradiction of the curse, being a good parent that I should have been all along, is a total power move and an effective “I’m God-fearing, alive, and with 3 healthy kids, fuck you” to this concept of a curse; I have no idea whether or not I’ll succeed in this goal, but if I do it’d be epic.
You can tell that Dr. Altman has that rare healer presence that makes people feel better just being around her. So calm and grounded
My childhood was Horrible
And now I'm a over protective Mom .
I will never want my kids to go through what I went through
I'm the same ,I am too overprotective, I worry about my childrens psychological, physical and emotional health.It's hard for me to let go now that theyre growing up, but I do because I love them so much and would do anything if I know it would benefit them in a positive way.I judge myself too harshly (as a mother,) feeling not good enough. My mind is always going back to the physical emotional and mental abuse I had from my parents but I can proudly say I am nothing like them and my son and daughter know how much I love them and how proud I am of them. All the best to you , may we find the peace we couldn't find growing up. 😊
I was abused by my mom and held back in school in KINDERGARTEN due to anger/energy issues.
It even affected my education
I can relate.
I suffered childhood neglect and sexual abuse. Now I am 26 in college and hope to inspire people . help people through their struggles.
Kati!! Thankyou so much! And dr Alexa!! I’m so excited 😭♥️
I had a teacher in my life when I was doing horribly and not being a good person, ( a lot due to trauma) She was extremely attentive, accepting, consistent, nurturing, caring, kind, ect. She absolutely changes my life, she taught me ow to be a good person and I was doing better than I ever have before and I was so happy. I can’t describe he peace and safety I felt, and joy. It’s been about two years since I’ve seen her and I now see the difference and the effect a consistent, loving, nurturing, open, parental figure a person can geniality have on someone. Just a support. A parental figure that everyone SHOULD have. It made me see how many people don’t have the bare minimum, including myself.
i think i hold a lot of resentment for teachers and adults in my life that saw me in elementary/middle school clearly being bullied and socially excluded from my peers. i exhibited all the classic signs of adhd, yet i got punished for my reactions and feelings. i know it isn’t the adults fault in my life. but seriously, shouldn’t they have supported me rather than discipline me for acting out due to my circumstances.i only bring this up because i am very much traumatized by that cycle of being bullied and adults minimizing me.
This is so important. Thank you for making this video. As a survivor of childhood abuse just thank you so much. You're making a difference and that gives me hope.
Kati, I dmed you and this was literally an answer to my prayers stg. Holidays are always hard for my family. I'm so glad you posted this now
This video made me so validated and less needy for just wanting an accepting family not my abusive parents who treated me like what went wrong with me or my siblings was my fault
I was treated like a slave, punch bag, I was beaten, emotionally, mentally abused. My parents always told me that I was ugly, fat, useless, I suffered humiliation when visitors came making me feel worse, visitors who watch how I was treated they copied. I told my parents that one day I was going to write a book, they laughed at me saying that I can't spell my name which made me feel worthless. I have written a book about it and it is called in comfort of Mary by Bethany Ford its on amazon and its on TH-cam and you can read chapter one on TH-cam now. Tell me what you think x.
I learned about all this in my abnormal psych course but I absolutely love the fact that you talk about these topics in a way that the general public can understand. This information needs to be more accessible to people, thank you for making that happen!
OMG YOU ARE SERIOUSLY DESCRIBING MY LIFE!!!! I have been suffering from PTSD from my childhood... now i amy son and sister won't speak to me because I won't go to a home. m not only suffering with this and I have MS and i'm legally blind and wheelchair bound. My entire childhood I was beaten. brainwashed and enslaved.... and my mother and stepfather are out living there best lives and i am stuck in my home with very little human interaction... just lie my childhood...I really need y'alls help PLEASE I have been begging for help because i now live in my head most days and just relive every horrible thing again...I want to be happy... but how when I reemember my mother trying to literally kill me my entire life?
HEADY1313 you deserve to feel love. We want people to care and when they are insensitive creeps we internalize it as we are worthless when in fact they are.
HEADY1313. I’m hoping you are feeling even a tiny bit better.💜
Praying for you!
Is there any way you can get yourself out of the house more often? Doesn't even have to be anything too big but ive found just being outside or in a public place can help the feeling of isolation a lot. And if you cant try finding some online communities to meet people with similar interests or struggles.
Happiness is hard to find. Look for something, anything, that brings you joy. For me, it's music. I listen to music in foreign languages so that I can pretend they're talking to me, and then I feel less alone. Maybe online chat rooms could help you feel less alone? Anything. The brain is a computer and it can be hacked. Find a way to hack it and infect it with happiness. When are you most likely to be affected by your emotions? (maybe during a meal, or one of your interactions with others?) Plan a happy activity immediately after that. Train your brain to be happy.
This explains everything. Thank you. They need to teach this to every teacher, coming up with some sort of program to help kids like myself because all teachers do is send you to detention or suspend you which doesn’t work at all.
I been dealing with childhood trauma by myself all my life..trying to share myself with someone is difficult. Because before everything was in my head and with it out I couldn't really handle that. Almost three years ago I was diagnosed with PTSD. I do see a therapist, but it's not the same when there is feelings towards someone.
I hope you feel better. If journaling feels comfortable for you, I’d suggest that ❤.
i LOVE this video because i grew up traumatized by an abusive bipolar father. it finally got court ordered that i didn't have to see him anymore in april and i haven't seen him
since. i'm still recovering from my shame and all that i have been through in the 15 years i was abused and working with my therapist on it. i'm discovering the strong girl i actually am and i'm 3 months clean. i love you kati, and i love these collabs. i might get to go to vidcon this year and if i get to meet you i'll be so happy!!
My kids are adults now. I remember we found different ones through different places, but some really good ones were offered by elementary schools for basically the cost of the materials.
Any healthy “surrogate mother” relationships I formed where quickly sabotaged by my mum... I went to 10 churches and 6 schools between the ages of 4-12 because of her.. It’s made it harder now to trust anyone enough, even though it’s all I want.. sigh oh well.. C'EST LA VIE ❤️ Thanks for another fab video..
I let out a little squeal when I saw you both in the thumbnail. Excited to learn more from you both, from your story and experience. Thanks for your input around such vital topics. You have no idea Kati and Alexa how much your tone and openness is softening hearts and educating us. Soooo grateful for you both.
-xx-
So if you've been neglected and abused growing up, does that mean you're screwed and kind of destined to carry the past with you forever? Does it mean you're never going to be able to heal and move on?
Yes
You will carry the past with you forever, but you can learn how to work WITH it and move around it. It means you have a whole bunch to overcome, but NO, you're not screwed forever! I am living proof :):)
You can definitely move passed it. Fear not, humans are amazingly, amazingly resilient. Your instinct to survive can take you far. I recommend therapy and meditation. Brains are very plastic, or able to change and grow. I think only severe child abuse that stunts the brain (think genie who wasnt allowed to talk to people and thus couldnt use language) are closer to the 'beyond help' category, but even then you can still help them. ABA therapy is about lessening maladaptive behaviors in children with autism. They dont understand much of whats going on (severe levels of autism) but there are still therapies that can help them with emotional regulation, communication and independence.
I think it depends on the individual. There are those that were horribly abused or traumatized and you’d never know it. A male coworker friend of mine comes to mind. Then there’s those of us that have some serious mental health disorders that interfere with daily life challenges and social interactions. Again I think it varies person to person.
@@stephaniereed3248 Not true!
In my experience growing up, I looked for distractions, and one distraction was actually studying and learning at school. In one of my difficult years during middle school, when my mom was in a long distance emotionally and verbally abusive relationship (which had been going on for 7 years ), I buried myself in my schoolwork, and set myself a goal of achieving a 4.0 gpa for all four quarters. I achieved it, and even got a medal at the end of the year. So I think setting personal goals was what got me through that time, and knowing that while I couldn't control the situation, I could control what I focused on in my free time.
Thank u so much for this video Kati!!! It gives me a bit of hope for the future. U r the best!!!
So stress belly is real!? I needed this video! My constant stress in my body has caused my thyroid to shut down. It’s crazy how emotions and a toxic home environment can affect your body. Thank you for this video! ❤️
It always blows my mind when I do research into how trauma affects us phyiscally and biologically! Crazy - but so true. It has such a physical effect on us. ❤️
Perfect topic around Thanksgiving evening
John Senesi don't you think of the trauma the American Indians went through when you dig into that Turkey at Thanksgiving? Food for thought.
@@taskbeats1 like we need more guilt?
I'm 24 years old and I have suffered severe childhood trauma. I can tell you that one thing that I learn is that your feelings are completely valid!
No matter what anyone tells you. Your feelings do matter & are valid!
I was brainwashed to believe that my feelings don't matter and I grew up to be very depressed. It wasn't until I starting doing drugs that I finally come to the realization that I had a problem. If you are stubborn like me and don't want to see a therapist first. I plead that you at least read a book on trauma & depression. It does get better!
Me just realizing I have so much trauma...but I'm glad to know the healthy ways of filling the darkness with happy things instead
The information you hade giving me. Open a door that made me think My childhood was ruff
I was told in school that I needed to smarten up did not know that the effect of my home life would make it so hard to act normal
This is a awesome video it woke me up to the fact that the problem was like that. THANK YOU