A Mistake We All Make In Narcissistic Relationships
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We believe their lies. We believe that what they’re saying to us is true. As though they actually have something to bring to a relationship. When it’s just a void. And everything you give disappears without a trace. You don’t get it back. You leave the relationship drained and often a shell of who you used to be.
Yesss 💯!!
Yup, they will NEVER acknowledge what you've ever done for them, and the second you stop doing it you're actually harming them. They don't drive on two-way streets and they'll never acknowledge they've ever been on the one-way. They fully expect others to facilitate their wants, needs, and plans, but the second you're not on the job they take it as an offense. They will forever remind you of the smallest thing they did for you. Expect that to both be exaggerated and twisted to become a narrative where you were inferior and couldn't do something and they had to help. Don't let them help you with anything for that reason; they will weaponize it, like they do everything else. Sounds like a nonsensical exaggeration if you haven't experienced it or just haven't recognized that THAT is what someone in your life has always done. Don't continue if someone takes you for granted but you like to be helpful. They aren't like you.
@@Greenwings701 yes 🙌 to all of that! The most difficult thing to come to come to terms with, he never loved me, never could, never will. Hugs xx
Hey. I notice u post alot and often have insightful and i hear u comments. Just know u r not alone at all
Yes. It begs the question of whether they are even self-aware, or just self-serving automatons that consume the host as cancer does.
The abuse never ends. Leave and go no contact. It's the only way.
Agree. You always need an umbrella. Even if you run into them after you have gone no contact.
My soon-to-be-ex has gone from demanding a divorce and telling me how much he regrets meeting me to pretending that I am forcing him to get a divorce. Lol. Part of me wishes I could stick around to watch his next reltionship fall apart, but I have wasted too much of my life on men and refuse to waste another minute that isn't absolutely necessary.
@sonferguson4
I so totally agree with you. It most certainly is the best & only option, therapy & time to heal
Even though I'm divorced I still tend to sit on the edge of seats & I know it's the price I paid by still feeling I need to jump to attention/ to run for safety . I'm keeping a few umbrellas up least I ever forget how horrendous it actually was or could be if I ever give up going no contact & it really does rain a lot where I live
I always have my umbrellas very close
Out of the blue grey- rocked narc will still go back to previous energy hit sources like an addicted person rifling through their stash hiding nooks. Hold on.
Yes, but like she said, “don’t burn your umbrellas.” No contact is not the end. They will still find a way to weasel themselves back into your life, just like the rain is always coming.
Enough good days to confuse you. Enough bad days to break your heart..... Your #1 quote Dr. Ramani
Enough good days to confuse you like sunshine after the rain
The storm is never-ending and always impending
Enough good moments, probably. Not days. That's the madness.
Never let your guard down with a narcissist, even when they’re “being nice”. Some of the worst experiences of my life have been when I was my authentic self with a narcissist, only to be shot down and ridiculed. Best to stay quiet, and hope they don’t notice you.
Yes they act nice to get you to let your guard down. It’s so sad we can’t even enjoy the nice days cuz we know the storm is coming.
in my experience they play nice when they are afraid of losing you. i have experienced it over and over again in the workplace. it is completely fake though. i call it 'the honeymoon', with irony.
I've learned my lesson twice. First, with my mom) and I was lucky, she was so neglectful, so she didn't broke me to pieces, second was my ex, diagnosed now as NPD.
I think, by now, I can recognise from a far, almost from first few sentences, one with those traids. Plus Dr Ramani videos really helps.
My experiences are the same. I am working on escaping my toxic relatives as soon as possible.
I've had the same experience. You just have to be a grey rock.
To all those suffering from a narcissist in your life, may you find safety and healing, and may the narcissist also find healing and freedom from their disturbed mind.🙏
No contact works but healing ourselves is as much important. Their mind games made us doubt our self worth.
So well put! Thank God our worth Doesn’t come from them, especially if the narcs are our blood family. My worth is from God Above & I create my self worth by growing as a person.
They are like a grade 6 mean kid. Model student in the classroom, bully on the school yard. You can never win them over because they would see that as a loss of control and they have way too much of a lust for control. When they are being "nice", it's only to confuse you. They've shown you who they are!!
What I have recently experienced is that even in their laughter, you still need an umbrella. They feel it is okay to laugh at you through what they claim is teasing. It is painful.
Yea, the eternal bullies 🤮 Don’t let them get to you! Prayers your way
@@magorzatasanchez736 Thank you.
Yeah i hear u and i also point out lets make fun of u no ok. Then. He said we are gona be friends i said blunt comnunication doubtful cus i dont like u xD
@@potpourrioflife hey, we need to pray for one another 🙏🏼
Yes totally relate to the 'just' teasing or joking. When I get upset at his 'jokes' he doubles down and then gets hostile. The enablers in the room never get it.
In a narcissistic climate,people's souls die slowly.Find an environment that will nurture you instead of draining you.
Slow death of a thousand paper cuts.
The longer you know them, the fewer sunny days there are.
The accuracy!
The rainy days come more frequently and sunny days become rare.
This is a very good analogy, and oh so true.
It's a proverb from my culture "don't break pichers if you see clouds" means don't destroy your resources if you have a hope of something better.
Those sunny days kept me in for 13 years even though I was living in mostly a tornado. Been 6 weeks no contact and my head feels free and I can focus at work better. Hugs to everyone ❤️
Isn’t that a wonderful feeling! Stay strong and watch out for the second wave of hoovering. Remember, they don’t love you, they love how you make them feel.
@@christicarver1581 yesss 👏 thank you ❤️
Lucky you!! Keep it up!!
🎉 Stay strong and celebrate your victories!
I hope you can stay away. Prepare for the hovering, which I hope doesn’t happen!! Let us know how you are doing ❤
I just realised that if someone doesn't love you now, they might later on. That's fine. No problem or hard feelings. But if someone doesn't respect you, they never will.
Omg...... that just hit me soooo hard!!!!!!
This is where I am. No respect. Typical narcissist.
@@angiesmith9293 I feel you..... 😪
I feel you too 😢
This is so true
Guard your heart! Start peeling away people-pleasing, dont be too nice. Stay calm, observe, and (if ready)- don't tolerate as much (but it may become more stressful), start making decisions, learn to slow things down (for you), so you can process more effectively. And then get the clarity you need..❤
Christians emphasize hope but those blessed to live in a world without a narcissist add to our trauma when their platitudes are applied to human relationships. "Toxic faith" was very painful, but my unshakeable true faith in a God who saw my situation and gave me strength helped me separate God's Word from man's misinformation. It was a lonely journey of being misunderstood. I live in peace now but keep my "umbrella" always at hand.
can definitely understand all that… in the process of setting up the last step (cutting them off) and faith/ toxic faith has played a huge role but i’ve been given wisdom and clarity.
Toxic dogma, toxic teaching. And yes, toxic hope. 🥲
@vaska1999 Anything toxic is not truth and not from God. It is important not to abandon faith because of abuse. It is hard to separate faith in God from toxic realities, but it can be done.
Dr Ramani please include more descriptions of Narcissists that are not openly yelling and dominating. My ex was so covert and under the table with his abuse that he could do it, and always did it, in front of people. Family, our kids, friends, strangers, coworkers….but when you only describe the obvious abuse it’s hard for those of us who had it so utterly disguised that it was hard to see for even ourselves.
I understand what you are going through. The covert really pulls at your empathy strings. I consider myself good at detecting lies and bs but my ex was so sneaky and pretended to be so nice. The hardest part of it was that it took about seven years to start realizing something was seriously off. Come to find out he was hating on me the whole time and was intentionally antagonizing me as a punishment for getting bit by a tick and contracting Lyme disease. I didn’t even know that he had blamed me for my chronic illness. Sneaky covert narcissism is really hard to live with because they hide in plain sight so well. You may not understand the real dark thoughts they are having about you while saying nothing is wrong to your face. Another thing you might run into is that they have both covert and overt narcissistic behaviors and I haven’t found too much on that but Dr Ramani does have a video in that. Keep researching and reaching out, you will find the support you need and trust trust trust yourself. If words and actions are very different, ignore the words and take a sincere look at the actions and what they are saying. Ps they might make you feel bad for standing up for yourself. My ex would be a total jerk and then when I would try to gently correct and I do mean gentle, he would say to stop yelling at him (I wasn’t) and he would either make false future faking promises or run from the room. I hope some of this helps you, and remember, they don’t seek weak, so even if you feel weaker because of then you are strong, stronger than them, stay strong, you are already on your victory path because you refer to him as ex.
U got this awesome u learning
Look through her old videos, she did a series on the different types of narcissist.
@@microdosenyc4515She sure did. And she's masterful at it. She is fulfilling her purpose💖💖💖
The narc in my life is also this way. They are a communal narc and they do not like screaming or shouting. My therapist told me that people can gaslight with their eyes. That flipped the switch for me.
The body language guy on TH-cam does a really good job of describing what to look for in body language.
My narc would use tone of voice, gaslighting with their eyes, and using their height to control and dominate.
I found Encanto by Disney extremely helpful. The grandmother was very much like my narc. Though in Disney everything ends happily.
I love Dr Ramani but I also struggled with the less obvious signs of abuse.
I had to watch her videos again on gaslighting because once I knew how my narc worked it cleared up some things for me.
The name of the game for my narc is suppression. Imagine a heart rate monitor and it's just flat lined. That was what my narc wanted. No noise, no emotions, just no nothing, is that to hard to ask?
I often felt like I had the symptoms but not the sickness. It was just because the narc in my house liked suppression. So it looked different than most. Still narcissism just a different level or room.
It took me three years to really understand the narc in my life. I'm sure there is more I need to learn.
I hoped this helped. I know how frustrating the digging for answers can be.
Hang in there.
When you have narcissistic adult children it is beyond heartbreaking. There are just no words of comfort just grief. 😢
when your lovely child marries one and you never see your son again, its been eight years, he's gone and I worry about suicide
in the years to come ...
Avoid them.
My biggest fear is actually believing that I've had it all wrong. I imagine a moment when I stop watching and learning about narcissistic content for a long enough period, I'll have a moment of reflection in saying, "what have I been putting in my head all along?" And when I give my narc another chance and it fails once again, I'll be sure to come back here and preemptively tell myself, "told ya so".
I was thinking about this today. Narcissists are walking theatres. All of their behavior is false and acting roles designed to make you express emotions for their supply. Don’t buy into their theatre tickets. If you buy their theatre ticket, “I Did This For You!” - They want you obligated. Don’t buy it. They have many theatre drama tickets for sale.
"Don't burn your umbrellas".
I'm glad you explained it. My initial reaction would be: "I just try to avoid the rain by not going outside to begin with". I've been indoors for the last 3.5 years, initially due to Covid. But I enjoy my isolation away from people, so no reason to go outside where people are. I've had too many narcissists in my life, bringing drama, trauma and chaos. Isolation offers me calm, quiet, serenity. Not everyone is a narcissist, but I'm tired of narcissists, flying monkeys, enablers, and the ignorant. I'm tired of people. Isolation works well for me. An odd fact: I'm NEVER lonely when I'm alone. I'm only lonely when I'm among other people.
So I don't need an umbrella because I take the avoidant method instead. It works for me. But I know it's an over-simplistic solution to an imperfect world when I know the narcissists are out there in the world looking for their next victim. And I'm tired of constantly being someone else's victim of their abuse.
I guess avoid the rain if you can. And if you can't, then either take the umbrella or expect to get wet.
@@camoflash7621 My mother was a narcissist. I gave her a set of keys to my house "for emergencies". Instead, she'd just walk right in anytime she wanted. No calling in advance, no doorbell, no knocking. Just walking right in. And it didn't matter if I was awake or asleep, dressed or not, and if I was alone or with a "special someone" in intimate moments. She'd just walk RIGHT in. I had ABSOUTELY no privacy with her for YEARS.
I finally tried setting boundaries, but got stiff resistance. She finally started knocking on the door AS she was walking in.
Next, I got her knocking on the door and waiting a minute before walking right in.
Finally, I insisted she CALL FIRST before coming over. So, she'd call from my driveway.
Narcissists do not respect anyone's boundaries because they don't respect anyone. And they never will. They're permanently beyond logic and reason. I'm permanently done with them.
She finally passed away. Yay. I'm finally free of her. I FINALLY have privacy!!
I too am with you on this. Home alone is SAFE, CALM and HEARTACHE FREE ❤
@@amandahines9718o
So mote it be, brother! ... so mote it be. I am in the same headspace as you.
I still make friends but have tons of discernment. I think the facial expressions and body language can really tell if the person is mean or empathetic
The sunny days became so hopeful, we conceived my 2nd child. Will never regret having her, though.❤
I look at it like the eye of a hurricane you can tske a breath go walking around try and fix whatever you see but that eye wall is coming right up behind you.
That was my main Christmas wish; that we had a happy Christmas with no fights and nastiness.
Mine too, but yeah, that was never going to happen. When we moved to be closer to family (mistake), we decided we wouldn't be spending Christmases with family, because I didn't trust my dad to control his temper, and I didn't want my kids to feel that terror I felt when I was a child.
Nobody can live like this? I basically lived like this for the first 27 years of my life!
This is SO good! Of course I didn't have any umbrellas to start, because I didn't understand Narcissism, but I stocked up after my eyes were opened. I guess my ex didn't like umbrellas because he left! 😉
Anything that’s does not align with their needs will set them off so unless you’re willing to assume responsibility for predicting their needs and moods then you should never let that umbrella down. That’s where the trauma comes in because you’re in a constant state of worry. Unfortunately, you lose yourself because you’re always focused on them. You lose friends because you can’t be present for them. Your relationship with your children suffer because you can’t be present for them. Your relationship with yourself is destroyed because you can’t be present for yourself. 😢
My narcasitic husband ignored me for years, I wasn't aware he was doing this until 3 years into the marriage. I made excuses for him because he was always away with the army or that's what I believed. He didnt have an explosive nature?? That's what is confusing about narcassism . Sometimes they just ignore you invalidating you without you realising what behaviour they do not display in a marriage. Then they accuse you of being unaffectionate and make you doubt yourself! ??
Yes… the neglectful narcissist. It’s like you don’t exist.
I used to wonder how my sister could be so vicious. Makes sense- thank you.
I can relate I live in a tropical country... Just like the narcissist mood; you can't predict its weather pattern.. One minute they're sweet, then something trivial set them off and they'll go sour...
Yes something trivial. Then, you are left bewildered like what just happened?
@@angiesmith9293 Yep! Regardless of whatever you'll say to them if it triggers their fragile ego; they'll either go defensive or aggressive... 😁
He is almost gone…… calling all those friends I pushed off in caring mode…… calling all MY friends back. :)💜🧚🏻♀️💜
The world needs that programme for counsellors!❤
Needs the counselors to develop a program for high school and college students, too, just to have as a life skill. ❤
@@cc1k435 Now that's a good idea!🥳🥳👍
When I retire Asa mental health professional. I'm going to write a book, educate etc. This education is SO needed!! Thank you Dr.Ramini❤
Love the analogy Dr. Ramani. So true, I used to fall for the "sunny days" with my narcissistic father, not anymore. I'm keeping my umbrella handy. Thanks again for all you do! 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
I hear u
Same here with my narcissistic family members. I got burned and disappointed too many times, so I don't fall for the "good days" anymore.
I just fell for this!! This is my adult son who is doing very well financially. Also he will be married in January 2024. I thought I was seeing a more stable and happy personality. The rain came suddenly and unexpectedly. I almost fell in the mud too. I wrote a lengthy email about how my truth was different and disputed every point he made in his scathing tirade. Then I woke up and knew it would have no effect or release more rage. I deleted it. Thanks to you for all your teaching!! ❤
I'm so glad you're training therapists. I was SO damaged by therapy from an early age when everyone was trying to figure out what was wrong with me. Not to say I don't have faults - I DEFINITELY do - but the emphasis was on why a kid was so depressed and weird and I kept trying to be helpful to everyone and come up with reasons that wouldn't split my family. When I would say something true, I was encouraged to inquire what I could have done differently, which reinforced what was wrong with me in the first place.
I never understood how people could ever own slaves.
Now I do.
Most of the world's evils can be traced back to the profit motive.
Wow. This really resonates with my situation. Waiting for the next time he will rage about something, long good sunshine moments with laughter, staying quiet all of it hits home for me. Wish I could leave but I don’t feel I can right now
It is still so hard to accept for me that my mother is a narc. I started to realize 5 years ago, and had therapy throughout this time. I watched most of your videos and went no contact 9 months ago. But now i am expecting my first child and this is washing out all these beliefs that my mother instilled in me way back when. Ppl keep asking me how my mother reacted to the news or if it is hard going through this without her. And i have to say i am relieved that my child will never be exposed to her venom.
Be proud of yourself for being willing to make difficult decisions to protect your child; while that should be the bare minimum, it is a standard that many parents are happy to ignore. You know your relationship with your mom better than anyone else, so don't let anyone make you feel guilty or wrong for how you protect yourself and your family.
Congratulations for your pregnancy! It was hard for me too, to have my child no contact. I am 44, and I have been no contact most of my life. My kid is now 20. And my mom 73, so I decided to keep some contact, because she is getting old and her husband died recently. Having contact for me is more difficult than no contact. But at this time, I know my boundaries much better. She is not even interested really in her grandkids (she says she do but BS). The best thing I could do for my daughter mental health, was keeping her away from her grandma.
On the other hand, even when I was considerable a better mother than her, now I realize there are traits that after a narc mom and 10 and 15 years married to a narcissist myself, I also copied some mechanisms, and that affected my child. Not a bit as far as my mom, of course. But I still have to work in a lot of issues myself as a survivor.
I recommend you, as a mom, if you can, have a therapy as long as you need even if it is a lifetime, to help you, and help you raise your child much healthier.
Be strong, be happy, enjoy every moment with your child and always stay safe in body mind and spirit. Love and light for you 2
@@justinwatson1510 thank you for taking the time to write these kind words. I sometimes forget that there is this wonderful community on this channel that understands and is so supportive! I am proud that i will do everything in my power to do better and lucky to have a very loving and understanding husband by my side to help
@@ladelcolectivo thank you for sharing your experience and reflecting so openly. I am planning to stay in therapy and am lucky to have a great therapist who, for the first time in about 20 years, gave me hope that i could some day be completely healed. I hope you are doing well and can tolerate the contact you decided to have with your mum. My mother is 72 years old and so demetia-ridden that she wouldnt know me anymore anyway, so there is no point in exposing myself to her evil anymore. Even though i am hoping i would have cut contact either way to protect my child and my marriage to my very patient and supportive husband.
@@caromitgeige Having a good therapy is a blessing! You know you are doing the right thing, so you will be ok, it takes a lot of courage to get where you are now, so kuddos for you and have faith in yourself!! You will be a great mom!
Thanks Dr. Ramani, this is a good reminder not to let down your guard. When I told my adult nephew "don't tell your mother (the narcissist) that I said X, she works for so-and-so company" because I knew it would set her off, he nodded and said, "Oh yeah, you have to walk on eggshells." That should have warned me but I got sucked into her abuse for years. I truly believe either no or very minimal contact is the way to go regardless of sunny days.
Go away, never come back, get self educated cause THEY never change, and ask everyone trustworthy not to pass any information about you, not even if you got very sick and got hospitalised...THEY will use any information about you to make your life more miserable, trust me.... I'm 63 and only now learning about narcissism... And I got lucky 1i survived, all my children are alive, and most of them are well.
I'm living in far away country 36 years, I'm out of home 40 years, and I'm not coming even for a visit while my mom is alive
Very best of lucks to you!
Every video I watch with you, Dr Ramani, feels like you have a window into my soul and my childhood. I’m now 65 and my mother is 90. I have been the truth teller and the scapegoat for as long as I can remember. I recognized as a child that the way she behaved and the way she acted and talked was wrong and untruthful. My father was a raging alcoholic narcissist. I am hyper aware of others’ feelings, reading the mood in a room, etc. I am helping my niece now, who was raised by my very narcissistic sister. Thank you, Dr Ramani for giving me the words and the descriptions and the tools to deal with this even better in my life. I have gray rocked, distanced, and tried to make peace with these things for decades, and now I have more clarity and insight-and terminology-thanks to you. I live in the LA area, and I hope to meet you sometime! XXOO
My narc mother is her late 90's. She is worse by the
Day. She has been hateful since dad became ill and she put him in nursi
ng home. She jas chased awY every friend. Most have died. Sbe wants me talking to her and no matter the topic ends up going into a rage. I almost always avoid her. I have health problems and she resents my husband being a cancer surviver.
😮😮😢😮😢😮
@@deborahuetz1832. Praying for you.
@@deborahuetz1832 It is a constant struggle, and I am so sorry for you!
The sunny days are becoming fewer and fewer! Thankyou so much for more education for me!
Thank you Dr. Ramani. Your videos are so eye opening. I never thought my ex was a narcissist until I watched your videos about communal narcissist. 10 years I thought it was me and my depression the issue until I listened to you ❤🙏🏼
I view narcissist ppl as Medusa, I don't make eye contact. 🤣😂
This is so timely! My narc husband has been fairly even keeled through the summer but in the last few weeks has been pulling some of his “Golden Oldies” insults and manipulation tactics with me. I truly thought I had learned how to manage my reactions to him but there I was crying silently in the shower yet once more. My Life Coach has been trying to get me to let down the wall of protection I have against him so that I won’t always be on high alert. I’ve instinctively known that this is something I can never do. That umbrella goes where I go!
Keep keeping it at the ready 👍🏻
Please find a therapist as that "life coach" is a danger to your well-being.
Your metaphor is spot on, doc! And the problem is, until you get away from the creator of the storm, look back, introspect, find and watch videos like yours, you’ll have no idea what just happened to you. You’ll fight for the sunny days that get fewer and farther between, eventually never to return.
I finally realized even the good mornings, I love yous, I miss you, and other “good” things were completely hollow and dispensed by a robot to give me hope. Once you see through the mask,m and understand the real truth, you can’t unsee it. And that’s when you’re free and the sunny days return for good. 7 years of storms to eternal sunny days for me. Never again!!!
Thank you, Doc!
I had to let go of my parents, siblings, the x and now in the end my beloved children.
All gone on the whim of a narcissist and the power of suggestion!
I have myself.
I stay healthy, stay mindful and look to the future.
I am 59 now and my life a clean slate, my heart while broken still believes in love!
I am not jaded, i am wiser….
when I used a word or phrase the narcissistic brothers didn't understand such as , "siblings, or fly off the handle", they would inquire with rage as if I just smashed their big toe. It's no wonder I stumbled forming a complete sentence in the past, I was in survival mode. They tried to keep me under a rock. I can't and won't live like that.
Please don't then 🤗 hug ..
No, having a narcissistic parent is a million times more abuse than a parent who is an alcoholic. I have both. To anyone who is married to a narcissist and has children you need to get those kids to safety.
Update get kids to therapy.
Parents separated early was left with narcissistic parent. I can set boundaries with alcoholic father. If narcissistic finds address or phone number I have to move or change phone number.
If leaving she wants the kid half time. What then?
Check out The Crappy Childhood Fairy. Good advice for children of addicts and narcs, by someone who has been there.
There can't be an alcoholic (or any other addict) who isn't a narc (or cluster b in general)
I have the same combination...sadly the narcissistic parent is still alive and her real colour is even more evident!!!sadly one of the siblings is like that now and one is showing signs .. thankfully I was the scapegoat
@@tulip811No alcoholic might not be narc, they can be co dependent child of narc parent. My father was alcoholic but a kind n caring parent. Later I could figure out that grandfather was narcissistic and my dad was codependent who let others walk over him. So yeah he had his own issues growing up which turned him alcoholic 😢 but not an narc thankfully.
Yup; you can't ask anything of them. They have a radar to know when something might, in fact, be expected of them and they are so practiced at knocking that back as if it's a stunning imposition coming their way.
After four and a half Years in a busted up, broken down RV following my son's father's out of state ' plea' deal, he gets released from prison, gushes all kinds of apologies, promised one of his properties so we would have a place to Live , then went and got himself Re-arrested ( to force them to" re-open " his case, he said ) next thing I know I get an emergency phone call that there is a scheduled Raid ( to come in with force , guns drawn ) some search warrant ( possibly arrest warrant ) with My name on it , an emergency removal order for my child, at the supposedly promised property, we are Displaced , a friend is caring for my animals, I am beyond Devastated sincerely hoping Never to have to see Or deal with this man Ever again !
Sending you Love and light to you and this situation. Best and highest good to You.
Please survive 🙏🏻
This must be devastating. I have no sage advice, but just hope it all works out in your favor. I'm upset for you.
My mom is always needy and try’s to guilt me into doing things for her.
After I do what she wants,
Then the crickets come and I don’t hear from her until next time.
She cries, plays the victim when she’s the one who continuously lies and brings things on herself.
I use to think she just loves sabotaging herself or something.
I always say that’s it, I’m done and then the tears come and the - I don’t have food or something comes. She would have food after I spend $500 plus on groceries for her but then she cooks for her, & my sister who always comes over with her kids and eat .
Then when all is gone, I get a phone call 🙄
Just so tired of the roller coaster ride. But it’s my mom, wtf do I do?🙄🙄🙄
Help her, but a little less, and set boundaries as to the amount you will spend and the frequency
Boy ain’t this the truth! If he’s not getting supply during his work day, he’s a solemn, ugly energy. . .somebody at work will pay. . .coffee girl flirts with him or he can get attention from the cashier and he’s flying high and full of fun. Thanks Dr. Ramani.
This sounds like my nex. The performances I had to watch anytime we went anywhere together were draining. He'd spend hours talking to customer service people, etc., telling the same old stories. It was impossible for one person to feed his ego.
Whew, thanks for reminding me, with pungent clarity, why I'm blessed to be out of my last relationship.
Hi doctor..just wanted to tell you that your videos helped me immensely to get out of a narcissistic relationship. After a long struggle I was able to convince myself that I cannot change them, I can only protect myself. Its been three years since and it took me a while to heal from that trauma but Im doing so much better now.
PS : don’t burn your umbrellas!
When it was good, it was really really good. But when it was bad it was horrid. Having been born and raised in Houston, Tx I always carry 2 umbrellas in my car.....When he wasn't happy no one was happy.
I've finally learned how to sidestep that second shoe AND I throw it back at him. Still biding my time waiting for a rent controlled apartment to become available.
I believed without doubt the sunny days would come for 14 years. Today I am out of this relationship but I also believe there will never be a sunny day ever with whoever. I burned the umbrella and then finally myself….
Reminds me of raising.. a toddler........you always prepare..for all and anything that could happen.....and always..carry..an umbrella...
Exactly!! The WHIPLASH!! I was gray-rocking without even knowing it was a thing it was a survival instinct. The charm coaxed me out of my shell and then I would let my guard down sometimes it was good for 2 months, 4 months, and then BAM!!
This is a good reminder! Yesterday my ex came over to help me with some work and I showed him a draft of how we could split the assets in the divorce. Expectedly, he did not take the news well and started mocking me and getting angry. Of course he was disappointed that he was not getting more and was pissed that he can’t keep one of the properties all for himself. He ranted and was being so transactional about why things weren’t what he wanted. Later on we went shopping for something and he was being uncharacteristically kind and generous. He is nice looking and it was sort of fun to be seen with him again. I kept mentally throwing cold water on my face: I can’t let myself get sucked back in! Repeating the ick list in my mind!
Yeah, I know that the main reasons why I don’t say anything to set my hot headed, malignant narcissist of a sister off, is because our “relationshit”, will be over, once probate is over, although her house,’is a few doors, from my house. Yes, I do know, that she may actually be looking for a continued relationshit, in the form of trauma bonding, because she “may” both want to continue to be a bully and also doesn’t want to be stuck with just herself and no family, maybe even if she doesn’t. But, as with my mother, it is finished for me. No family. No kin. Not in life. Not in death.
I love art. And one day my narcissistic husband said to me, “what is it with you and pairings with umbrellas?” I asked what he meant. He pointed to all the paintings in the home. I almost fainted.
The beauty in creating art is that it really tells us what’s going on inside if we pay attention. Keep painting, it’s your soul trying to wake up your spirit.
@@christicarver1581 That is so beautifully said!
It's completely true. I never let go of my umbrella for the duration of my last relationship. I lived in constant fear and anxiety expecting heavy rain even when there was not a single cloud in the sky - for a reason. I felt more and more exhausted and stupid for carrying this umbrella with me all the time. So I broke up with her after 1.5 years of rollercoaster of great and horrible moments together. It's been over 2 months ago, but the trauma bond is still strong and I can't yet stop reminiscing about the good times. After a long period of idealization I held on to the visions of a bright future too hard without realizing that I don't even have the present.
Strongs to you my friend 💪🏻
Don't ruin your relationships by attracting situations that don't exist into happening.... mind over matter, it's called law of attraction. Be nice to oneself. Godspeed
Thank you for this video. I watch a Dr. Ramani video almost every day so I don't backslide. I think it is worse to have narcissists in your life than addicts. I went to Al Anon when I was leaving my alcoholic husband and lived near my polydrug addicted sister and I felt like it saved my life. However, when I moved away from my sister and divorced my husband I still had lots of anxieties and fears and got in all kinds of horrible relationships and Al Anon didn't quite fit anymore. It wasn't until I started watching these videos that I began to understand the forces that shaped my personality.
Tiptoeing through tripwires…indeed!
I loooove the umbrella's analogy !
I'll make sure to keep un umbrella close by in case of rain...and to bash the narcissist over the head if need be.
In the south of France we have a very similar proverb that goes (losely translated) "we remember to call the roofer only when it rains".
It means that we only remember to care for a problem (a bad roof) when it's bothering us and we can't actually do something about it (so, when it rains, and the roofer can't work). But when we could resolve it (when it's sunny) we forget about it because the bad roof has no consequences right now.
It suits narcissistic relationship like a glove...I never realized.
They're allowed to openly and blatantly criticize you or else you're labeled as being rigid, stubborn, closed minded, or lazy. But you're not allowed to criticize them back because then you're accused of being controlling, petty, manipulative, harsh, a bully, crazy, condescending, or weird.
But if you take their criticism to heart and try to enthusiastically implement it to appease them they'll say, "That's great, I hope you're doing that for yourself because that's what you really want to do and not to please me or anything...because if you're just doing it for me then that's really sad. I don't need anything from you. I just want you to want better for yourself. But not because I want that for you. I want you to just want that for yourself."
🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬
With my narc parents, it's exactly what you said. Even when you have "good moments" with them, you can't relax because they could start raging at you any time. Nothing good has ever lasted long, so this is my expectation for everything in life. Someone will eventually come along and ruin it for me.
You're spot on. There are good days with the narc...but when the really awful crap days with the narc come, they'll make you feel so low, so bad.
As I get knowledgeable about the narc, thanks to videos like this, I've decided to get the narc out of my life, once and for all. Those good days are too far and few. And even when they come, you KNOW that hell will follow.
We need ☂ to shield us from the 💩 storm that is ever-present when a narcissist is around.
As usual, wonderfully explained by Dr. Ramani. The metaphor related to umbrella is interesting and very accurate. The sunny days are temporary always and one just doesn't know when the storm will take you by surprise. It is even more tricky with covert narcissists. So, as she rightly remarked, this kind of relationship survives with realistic expectations. Also, once one knows that the other individual is a narcissist (covert/classical/malignant), one must remain cautious and never let the guard down. It is wise to educate oneself, keep interactions to a bare minimum and have a life of your own. Thank you very much, Dr. Ramani. 🌹🙏🏻
My sister, also I think a narcissist, has her Masters in Counselling Psychology ( which she got in her late '40's) and continually gaslights me & enables our narcissistic mother. The double abuse when she visits ( I am currently living at our 150 year old family farm with mother after Dad died) to take care of her and everything.
Everything you said, every word!, resonates with me.
I'm really really struggling 😢
Try and distance yourself from them. Your wellbeing is all that matters.
Try no contact. If you can.
Last night I dreamt I had reacted with great fear when I realized love bombing was coming at me. It's happening when I'm awake as well: "Don't you dare touch me" I said the other day in a steady voice, no yelling. Truth is I'm hurt, been working on radical acceptance consistently for five months now. Thank you Dr. Ramani, I will keep several umbrellas in strategic places now.
0:50 You and your team rock. What a brilliant idea.
You need a metal sheild with a narc to stop those poisoned arrows. There were no sunny days, just days that were flipped in a switch from worse to horrendous.
You are exactly correct, Doctor Ramini!! Maybe those “sunny days” happen so they can confirm that we’re still vulnerable to them, or to learn something about us that we didn’t tell them previously!!
Yes there is something in it for them.
I’m trying to explain a situation with my two narcissist daughters, and it is so convoluted that I can’t put the situation into words concisely. Is it any wonder I’m walking away from this family? I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t. I choose to keep my own company, and allow these people to wallow in their misery together. Dr. Ramani, in one of your videos. You said you are all about us the victims of abuse, and not about the abuser. I heard you. Thank you for all the work that you do.❤❤❤ps… I’m thinking about the holidays to come where I will be in my apartment by myself and all I feel is relief. Radical acceptance rules!🎉
Buy some good chocolate and a good book and enjoy the peace. It is great when you don't have to constantly defend yourself, even mentally.
@@pgray5223 great idea! Chocolate cheesecake sounds good💕😎
@@beverlyadams7205 it's the only way to survive the insanity. 😀
How exciting! Thank you for your new program to educate providers in 2024!! So critical to help us survivors - your impact knows no bounds ❤
I am just going through this now. Had a brief period of sunshine and it was so nice but it was fleeting as you said and then it became like ominous storm clouds (stonewalling, moody silence, or defensive reactions/ accusations along with the inevitable barrage of criticism) I took it too hard this time. It really hit me badly. I know there are cycles but this one feels like it came out of nowhere. The elements of gaslighting are usually constant even on sunny days but the tone and manner of delivery are different.
I need help. Its too much for me. Please help me. I feel like I shouldn’t be honest. I just want to be honest. Im so tired of secrecy and lies. Mine too.
Get out.
You are not alone ❤️🙏 its Hell i know .toghet we are stronger
As long as you're tied to a narcissist, it will never end. Educate yourself on narcissism, make plans to end the relationship, get therapy if possible and find outside relationships for support. You are not alone. Be safe.
My metaphor has been like they are fishing on a beautiful day. You're both enjoying the moment. Life isn't so bad. I believe the moment as my truth. I believe. I let my guard down. Then I'm hooked like that fish and its not going to be pleasant anymore.
Never thought I'd consider myself lucky that my narcissists were consistently abusive.
For me, there were no sunny days - at least not until I went full no-contact
I still miss my ex, but your videos remind me of WHY it never worked out. Of course there were sunny days where I felt vibrant and I was so much in love. I miss those days and I often feel weak. I need to be strong! Because the rainy days….were horrific!
I was so surprised when he bought me something I told him I needed. First I was shocked that he was actually listening and second it wasn't my birthday or Christmas.
I think of Poe's poem "The Raven" and his repeatedly saying "Nevermore." You don't want to admit it to yourself but the idea of a healthy and mutually respectful relationship with this person is a fantasy. So when my mind drifts to thinking of a scenario with the narc in my life, an immediate family member, I just repeat to myself...Nevermore, Nevermore, Nevermore. Thanks for all you do Dr. Ramani.
Thanks for all your advice, I just got a job interview and had given up, but I will keep trying to escape my cage and to become free! Thanks to the great Doctor and to this great community on the TH-cam comments board! Blessings to all here!
Don't give up .. please . This too will pass 💪🏻
@@christianmortimer6407 Thanks man, I will keep on.
This is all SO true, and I experienced it ALL! Plus the addition of alcoholism mixed with the narc I live with ..( I know it’s my choice) adds another “ not fun” layer…… yes, they need lots of sources of supply( their oxygen)…
Don't let your guard down. The first impression of a narcissist is the correct one. Heal from it and stay away.
This is exactly what happened to me, and is exactly what I have decided to do. Now, I have an easy term to remember this thanks to your video! Let me tell you shortly what happened. We are not together but due to lack of finances we still live together, we also have a son 8yo. We live in UK and his family lives in Germany. He decided to go to Germany by car and to take our son with him. I didn't want to go, his whole family is like him, but because he was taking our son I decided to go for my son. If they would've taken to plane I would've stayed home. Anyway, the trip was ok-ish, just one episode of not giving him enough good reasons of why it is not OK to leave our son awake in a locked car in a gas station in Belgium in the middle of the night. Other than that, the trip was well, no episode. On our way back though, when we are in Belgium, he proceeds, without me asking him nothing, a little horror history fact about Belgium. He likes to do this, to state facts about anything. I look at him and I ask him why did he tell me that, and that I don't want to hear about history facts and if he wants to talk history facts he should teach our son, not me, because I am not interested. He tells me that " ohh I'm telling you so you know how the world works" and I tell him back that I already know how the world works and he needs to stop telling me this kind of facts because I am not child. He lost it. We were in the car, driving really fast, no way for me to leave and he starts an episode. I started crying and I decided to stop talking. He continued to tell me that why should he give me money just because I am the mother of his son, what benefits for I bring him( I refuse to sleep with him anymire) and on and on about how I make him be like that. I started praying because I wanted to throw myself out if the car. Mind you, my son was still in the back, and the fact that I can't leave my son in this world with him and his family wasn't strong enough. That's how bad he had me. So I start praying as hard as I could, I was crying and praying . Eventually he stops talking, but this is the moment when I realised, I can't leave " my umbrella " at home.
@@beesinthegardens 😔😔😔 is the worst feeling isn't it? It takes a huge toll on our brain chemical producing so much imbalance that I literally feel my skull dry inside
😂 "tiptoeing through his trip wires" and the one I missed he made fun of me for tripping over 😂 such a good analogy for me personally because I have nerve damage in my left leg and if he couldn't take me down for anything else...
I get sad to hear you talk about how it is for children because I was that child. Long before I reached adulthood, I had started to dread having too much fun, being too happy, feeling too comfortable because it seemed that you paid for every bit of fun and happiness you had by the anger and terror of the rage that was going to happen. And maybe it was just my child mind, but I got to where I disliked the good times almost more than the bad times, because I discovered that yes, the worst of the bad times would eventually be over for a while, and that was better. But the good times and the happy times would be over too, and just a memory and it made the anger, fear and hurt seem even worse because you could help but wonder why you weren't loved enough for your parent to figure out that you would be willing for the great times to not be quite so great, just to have the bad times not quite so bad.
Later, as an adult, I found that when I was in romantic relationship, like one of my three marriages, the same thing would happen. And I soon learned to hate being treated to a nice evening out, or getting a nice gift, or being told how great I was, because the better it felt than, the worse I would feel when I was told how I was a waste of their time, and how I couldn't do anything right, and how everything wrong in their world was because they had been foolish enough to marry me. I don't trust sunny days and fair weather because I have been trained since childhood to know there was going to be a very high price to be paid for every good time or happy thing that came your way. And I also have been shamed enough by others about being too guarded, so reserved and not being spontaneous. I have been shamed when I have ever shared with others that a lot of joyous, fun situations are a bit stressful for me because I am afraid if I trust the feelings too much, it will just hurt more when the bill comes in and I have to pay for the good times. I do my best not to lose myself in joy or happiness, but I also don't tell anyone my secret. So when I am with people I smile a lot, I joke and tell stories, I make sure everyone sees me looking happy, because if I don't put on enough of a show than I will hear once again that there is something wrong with me.
😢 i can relate
Now that my narc husband has retired my exposure to his narcissism and rage is 24/7. 17 years of future faking and here we are - he wants to drive cross country to keep my commitment to spread ashes - I’d fly - but I cannot be locked in a car with him that long - I would be trapped. He is an aggressive driver and by the time I get out of the car after a local drive I am exhausted. I noticed when we drove to an appointment with his business friends he did not drive that way. Now I know why I slept for the entire first day when I visited relatives. The eggs shells are exhausting. But I know so much more now - he almost drove me crazy. I mourn for my former self. She was creative and happy… thank you Dr and all commenters - I am text book but now I know who is is.
The more I spot the narcissistics, the more I get even those from my past and how we need to stay apart from them ! I got the metaphor with the ☔!Very well said -the narcissistic love to be praised with order-I noticed it so very often!
Living with a Narcissistic Mom is really hard, especially when I'm sick I'm not taken seriously nor given any attention. Have been told many times I'm fine, and that I only want attention, when I'm sick or not feeling well. It is very draining on my spirit and self worth.
When you are with someone like this, no matter how hard you try, they will find a way, to blame and shame and move the goalposts when it comes to anything you hope goes well.
34 yrs of waiting for the other shoe to drop, walking on egg shells and the torrential rains...they ALWAYS happen.
They will always strike when you lower your guard ...stay shielded
This is how the last thing happened with my mother. I knew tho. It had been four whole years since I fell like that. Of course it was covert ya know. And I reckon she had to work very hard for a very long time but she finally did get one past me again. I say this Bcuz I know if I hadn’t kept my guard up for that long and so on, I’d have been hurt sooner. It’s not that she’s only horrible once every 4 years, it’s just that they can wear you down over time. And also Bcuz when it does finally go south, it’s extremely painful. She loves me, she loves me not. It’s just always gonna be that way with her. For her it often seems to be bouts of her pathological envy. Shooting me down suddenly and covertly after pretending to build me up. It’s easy for me to not fall for that with the overt step father but idk why it’s so much harder to do with my mother. And so it really does at the least for me now have to be low contact.
Thanks,I needed that to hold firm with a narcissistic friend I’m done totally with her calling me all day long saying the same complaints in her life.Never wanting to change her life. I can’t fix any one only myself I need and want every day to be rain free. However life does bring showers,I’ve come in out of the downpour!😅
You have given me sanity in a family of a narcissistic older sister (who was physically abusive to me when I was a child), and a narcissistic brother who just wants his mother to save him from his bad money decisions. The horror has been what they have been doing now to my elderly mother. Please talk about the narcissistic children who are mentally abusive to elderly parents and how they are manipulative about the care giving and stealing, and want my mom to just die so they can get her money. I used to be embarrassed about their behavior and would hide it from other family and friends.. now when I tell people most can't believe it. Yes I have grieved because they are my siblings, but you have taught me that self preservation is so important. I can't thank you enough from saving me from a mental breakdown.
It occurs to me that hope and radical acceptance are not incompatible. But , yeah, OK, I get it. My umbrella is always within reach. No one has a crystal ball . Life is just not predictable on the whole
I think of it more like a trust fall exercise - you decide to really lean in and expect the person to fully catch you, rather than only leaning a little so if they don't catch you, you merely stumble before righting yourself. So, you lean the whole way in and...they let you drop and hit the floor. Then blame you for doing that.