When I was growing up, there was a fist size hole in my hollow core bedroom door, and one of the living room lamps had been badly broken and glued back together. When I was about 10 years old, I asked my mother why my father was so nice to his friend's children (who all called him Uncle Don), but he was so mean to us. She had no answer. When I was about 11 or 12, I asked her to please divorce my father. (She didn't).
Thank you for this Podcast and for this story. I see myself in parts of this story. My mother and step-father were both narcissists and we had a narcissistic family system and our mother was very abusive towards us. What was worse was that they were abusive towards each other. For years and years I felt like it was my fault until I went into therapy and support group and was diagnosed with PTSD, Depression, and anxiety. I realized the root of all of it was the abuse I went through. My and my other siblings cut off my mother and step father which happened to be both my sister's father. My life has been more enjoyable than ever. I'm not in a romantic relationship or married because I'm working on myself so that I don't pass down some of these patterns. Once again thank you for doing this.
When you said that you would've taken on that acquaintance and explained why, I was like: THANK YOU! FINALLY SOMEONE SAID IT! I've been saying this for years and I was told that I was being petty and just needed to forgive and that I was making excuses. Thank you! I knew that my approach wasn't crazy!
100%, people like that aren't healthy because they're invalidating. Invalidation is what we all already went through, to grow and feel good about ourselves, we don't need more of it!✌
I was with a covert abuser. He caused sooooooooooooo much damage, and he hardly raised his voice. If I hadn't come across knowledge about covert narcissism, I would have landed in a mental institution. My real life story is weirder than any fiction.
I'd agree with dr. Ramani, the culture of 'you should be over it now, you're an adult' impeded any real true healing for me, for a long time. Dropping the expectations of others was the beginning. Our lives are shaped by the I but also who we were at our core, our dna, and everyone is different. I didn't have children, deliberately because I wasn't about to put anyone through the same. I don't regret that because at that time I wasn't ready and I took that very seriously!
@39:00 I completely agree. And as an African American it is truly believed that you are supposed to spank (beat) your children, or you’re a bad parent. When black ppl see a misbehaving child having a melt down, the first thing said is... “they need their azz beat.” I have never believed this. I don’t have children, but i could never beat my niece when she acted up. There has got to be something wrong with a Person who could repeatedly inflict pain on another person, and not stop. Especially a child. I can understand one swat, but stripping your children and beating them with switches and extension cords is insane. (I know people who grew up like this) if you can do that to a child, for any reason, you need help. Desperately. That is not parenting. It does not help. Discipline is supposed to teach. Beating is lazy parenting. It’s abuse.
I couldn't agree with you more on this subject matter. Being African American myself having a traumatic experience I believe there are different ways to discipline a child without laying a hand, a belt, a switch, or a shoe on that matter on a child. I also don't believe in talking down or cussing at a child to me that is even worse than physical abuse. As a people we have to educate ourselves and learn to do better. Because the "Old School" way hasn't and does not work.
I agree. I felt like my parents enjoyed beating me. I was their emotional punching bag. I got spanked for the dumbest stuff. Spilling water, accidently breaking something, and other things. It was a nightmare growing up in my toxic family system.
It's largely due to the African-American diaspora. Slavery, poverty doesn't allow for a lot of insight and nurturing to be developed. I'm mixed race and have had to do a lot of inner work. ❤
Well if you don't know how to discipline your child then you are the problem. But abusing your children and then whine that it's somehow discipline is outright stupid and lazy.
The spaghetti story brought me to tear! I'm in the same situation, and I'm only become aware of my parent's narcissism for a couple weeks. I have so much to heal, now I feel like my world is crumbling down. Sad!
As I'm listening to this, I can resonate with this. I can feel the inner pain that she feels. When she said that her dad would beat her worth a metal belt buckle or a 2x4 then he would say "Now give me a hug. I love you." I was like "WUUUUGH 😮"
@ Janathena Sorry to read that you experienced such a sad life as a child I can empathise with you , it was exactly the same as mine, pleading with my Mother to do the exact same thing & like you she never did My own parenting was to do exactly the opposite I have seen various therapists for most of ĺife, mostly to learn how to parent my own children and how to love them well in a healthy way I know that I looved them well ! Excellent podcast Dr.Ramini Dr.Ramini
When I was growing up, there was a fist size hole in my hollow core bedroom door, and one of the living room lamps had been badly broken and glued back together. When I was about 10 years old, I asked my mother why my father was so nice to his friend's children (who all called him Uncle Don), but he was so mean to us. She had no answer. When I was about 11 or 12, I asked her to please divorce my father. (She didn't).
Thank you for this Podcast and for this story. I see myself in parts of this story. My mother and step-father were both narcissists and we had a narcissistic family system and our mother was very abusive towards us. What was worse was that they were abusive towards each other. For years and years I felt like it was my fault until I went into therapy and support group and was diagnosed with PTSD, Depression, and anxiety. I realized the root of all of it was the abuse I went through. My and my other siblings cut off my mother and step father which happened to be both my sister's father. My life has been more enjoyable than ever. I'm not in a romantic relationship or married because I'm working on myself so that I don't pass down some of these patterns. Once again thank you for doing this.
When you said that you would've taken on that acquaintance and explained why, I was like: THANK YOU! FINALLY SOMEONE SAID IT! I've been saying this for years and I was told that I was being petty and just needed to forgive and that I was making excuses. Thank you! I knew that my approach wasn't crazy!
100%, people like that aren't healthy because they're invalidating. Invalidation is what we all already went through, to grow and feel good about ourselves, we don't need more of it!✌
I was with a covert abuser. He caused sooooooooooooo much damage, and he hardly raised his voice. If I hadn't come across knowledge about covert narcissism, I would have landed in a mental institution. My real life story is weirder than any fiction.
I'd agree with dr. Ramani, the culture of 'you should be over it now, you're an adult' impeded any real true healing for me, for a long time. Dropping the expectations of others was the beginning. Our lives are shaped by the I but also who we were at our core, our dna, and everyone is different. I didn't have children, deliberately because I wasn't about to put anyone through the same. I don't regret that because at that time I wasn't ready and I took that very seriously!
doing the lords work Dr. Ramani ❤️
@39:00 I completely agree. And as an African American it is truly believed that you are supposed to spank (beat) your children, or you’re a bad parent. When black ppl see a misbehaving child having a melt down, the first thing said is... “they need their azz beat.” I have never believed this. I don’t have children, but i could never beat my niece when she acted up. There has got to be something wrong with a Person who could repeatedly inflict pain on another person, and not stop. Especially a child. I can understand one swat, but stripping your children and beating them with switches and extension cords is insane. (I know people who grew up like this) if you can do that to a child, for any reason, you need help. Desperately. That is not parenting. It does not help. Discipline is supposed to teach. Beating is lazy parenting. It’s abuse.
I couldn't agree with you more on this subject matter. Being African American myself having a traumatic experience I believe there are different ways to discipline a child without laying a hand, a belt, a switch, or a shoe on that matter on a child. I also don't believe in talking down or cussing at a child to me that is even worse than physical abuse. As a people we have to educate ourselves and learn to do better. Because the "Old School" way hasn't and does not work.
I agree. I felt like my parents enjoyed beating me. I was their emotional punching bag. I got spanked for the dumbest stuff. Spilling water, accidently breaking something, and other things. It was a nightmare growing up in my toxic family system.
It's largely due to the African-American diaspora. Slavery, poverty doesn't allow for a lot of insight and nurturing to be developed. I'm mixed race and have had to do a lot of inner work. ❤
Well if you don't know how to discipline your child then you are the problem. But abusing your children and then whine that it's somehow discipline is outright stupid and lazy.
When I started writing things I realised that there were no good memories & I didn't love him, I was always afraid of him.
The spaghetti story brought me to tear! I'm in the same situation, and I'm only become aware of my parent's narcissism for a couple weeks. I have so much to heal, now I feel like my world is crumbling down. Sad!
Two of my children did that & I couldn't understand why they'd gone to live with him.
As I'm listening to this, I can resonate with this. I can feel the inner pain that she feels. When she said that her dad would beat her worth a metal belt buckle or a 2x4 then he would say "Now give me a hug. I love you." I was like "WUUUUGH 😮"
It's training for trauma bonding that's what it is.
I relate. I didn't catch it for my children 🤔 My daughter's did❤️
@ Janathena
Sorry to read that you experienced such a sad life as a child
I can empathise with you , it was exactly the same as mine, pleading with my Mother to do the exact same thing & like you she never did
My own parenting was to do exactly the opposite
I have seen various therapists for most of ĺife, mostly to learn how to parent my own children and how to love them well in a healthy way
I know that I looved them well !
Excellent podcast Dr.Ramini Dr.Ramini